#which was so weird bc we were having fun yesterday :(

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

speech loss is weird I’ve just decided

[callixton]

sort of keep remembering ways my friend is mean to me i am so goddamn tired of it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[astrxealis]

finally actually working towards fixing my blogs lol 💪

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

asked them out properly today btw don't worry guys we got it cleared up

hi tumblr i think i got a girlfriend today not entirely sure though

[liloinkoink]

hey guys, someone just sent me a weird ass ask claiming my incredibly close friend cherri @cherrifire secretly hate me and is talking abt me behind my back. i was not the only person to get one of these identical slanderous asks. i’ve already blocked the anon but like. open letter to them, and for the benefit of anyone else who gets an ask like this….

1) anon, you’re genuinely fucking stupid

2) hysterical to send this when i was actively chatting w her, while we were in the process of fleshing out yet another renchanting au, something we have done all day every day for… gosh, how long has it been now? nearly two years? i would say that it was really bad timing to send this ask to me while i was actively chatting aus w her but there really isn’t any moment you could have sent this that i wouldn’t have been.

3) if you thought i wasn’t gonna call bullshit and snitch immediately you don’t know shit about me or cherri, which, granted, is evident by the ask in general, but you really are stupid

4) if a gc like this existed—which it does not, bc cherri is not like this and would not do this—i would be in it. this idiot doesn’t even know im cherri’s emotional support writer. do you have any idea how many gcs and servers she’s dragged me into w her.

5) get your facts right cherri talks shit about me to my face. this is mutual. fake ass fan. if you were a real cherri friend you would know this smh

6) no, actually, you’re right, she definitely hates me. that’s why i met her irl literally like 3 months ago on her invitation, we hung out for a genuine week, spent basically the whole time arm in arm or hand in hand. this is also why we were planning a second meetup last night. you idiot. you fool. you complete and utter moron

anyway, if anyone gets this ask:

it’s complete bullshit. theyre sending this to cherri’s best friends for some godforsaken reason. it’s very weird and deeply cringe. also incredibly poorly planned. idk how many ppl you sent this to, but a few of us are in a gc and we have been making fun of this ask for like an hour (anon, im one of cherri’s friends and she’s been telling a small group of friends about you— lol. lmao even)

anyway like. to reiterate. cherri’s one of my best friends, she’s absolutely lovely and i’m lucky every day to know her. we hang out and chat constantly and we’ve met irl and it was an incredible experience i would love to repeat. i have told her things i have not fuckin told anyone else and you could not otherwise waterboard out of me. i love talking to her all the time and i miss her when she’s busy for even like, an hour. i love writing w her and creating things w her. she’s an incredibly bright spot in my life, often the first person i think of upon waking and the last i think of before i sleep. she is kind and funny and i love her a lot.

i’m a bitch tho so like @ this anon go fuck yourself. you better hope that when you die that the devil finds you before i do. sending this ask to a bunch of our friends, trying to turn the people she cares about against her, and for what? you clearly don’t know her well enough to be talking like this. trying to ruin my friend’s reputation and friendships w a vague as hell and entirely baseless copy paste is super fucking weird. why would you do this? and like, do you think we were born yesterday to fall for this? i’m insulted for her for whatever it was you were trying to pull and i’m insulted on behalf of myself and everyone else you sent this to that you think we’re as stupid as you are. what is your damage. get a hobby.

[whoslaurapalmer]

hi. I can't sleep so here's a cute lil super vague picture of my mom, and me, from when I was born 💖

this was taken september 28th, the year i was born, when I was finally able to come home from the hospital, because I was born a whole two months premature. I'm so tiny!! and my mom's smile is so big!!!!!

when I look at pictures of her I can really see. how badly she'd been doing the past few months. I knew she wasn't doing well, but when you see somebody every day, sometimes you still don't always see-see it, you know? anyway this is how I want to remember her. not sick. but cute and precious and with her big smile, and with me. (even if this week I still told her she looked cute. cause she's my mom, of course she's always cute.)

she did pass away today. everybody who's been to the house has been so, so kind to me. the hospice nurse, even, was so surprised that everything happened so quickly. she thought there would be just a little more time. she gave me like three hugs, and when I told her, "I know this is part of your job, but you give great hugs." she dropped her bags and went "OH, you haven't SEEN the kind of hugs I can give." and hugged me AGAIN and said "you think I give out hugs to just anyone?? come on." which, damn. that was a squeeze. and the funeral arrangement guy who was here yesterday came back today, of course, and even he was in tears about my mom. best friend came over and we talked for hours, about my mom, about the usual everything we talk about. I got into contact with one of my high school friends just the other day, and we talked about how much my mom meant to him when we were teenagers. and I'm really happy there are people who got to meet my mom and understand how special she was and got to feel loved by her.

there's lots of people who are gonna help me with the house, and with me, and where I go now. so im trying not to be, uh, too horrified about that. our neighbors, my aunt, we actually JUST ran into someone who used to help my brother when he worked, who's now on a committee for senior and special needs housing -- she's engaged to the guy fixing my grandmother's septic tank??? what are the odds????? so. I keep telling myself that's gonna be okay. I made my brother pasta for dinner, and we ate it with our aunt, and we watched mythbusters. things are gonna be weird and not always. easy. but I'm gonna be okay. because my mom told me she knew I could do anything, so. I can be okay. And I don't always have to be, either. But I can be okay.

ive kept it together like. really well today. bc there's lots of things I have to help my aunt take care of. and while I had already been thinking a lot about like. my mom not being here. and rearranging my brain around that idea. i know it's still gotta really sink in. that she's not here. im gonna wake up tomorrow and she wont be here, waiting for me. she's not gonna be able to hold my hand when I'm upset or hug me or call me food nicknames or hang out with me. but we were really, really happy, the day after she came home from the hospital, when we talked about how much fun we've had doing things together. always together. and how we wouldn't change anything, and how we'd do it all over again. so i felt like we'd said everything we needed to to each other. I know she was so proud of me, always. and that she thought my silly bill crafts were the coolest things ever. and that I could never make her upset. and she could never make me upset either. she was so silly and so loving and so fun, and wanted more than anything to be a mom, and to be loving and caring, and she was so good at it. and I'm so happy she was my mom.

[wallbeatjournal]

Have you ever noticed there are loads of surface level plot similarities between the pilots of riverdale and dawsons creek. Also mr honey is the actor who played jack and greg berlanti worked on both projects. Just a topic i used to like to think about a lot….

yes yes yes omg yes!! sibling shows!! and this is intentional for sure, i was looking at articles about riverdale from pre-series (circa 2015-16) yesterday to cite the perks of being a wallflower movie as a core inspiration for s1 and roberto mentioned dawson's creek regularly, too. actually way before the twin peaks pastiche started getting promoted, dawson's and perks were coming up.

it's really really wonderfully apparent if you're into the gay-auteur genre of teen dramas or the intersection between teen dramas and gay horror media. dawson's creek ran so riverdale could soar (lean in even harder on genre-archetype-and-trope-as-social-construct, not be hung up by don't-ask-don't-tell era tv writing restrictions...except by choice for queerbaiting fun and spite). and even failing to soar, dawson's creek season 2 might remain a perfect season of television for me.

(note for the readers who aren't operating in the 5th dimension like me and anon, yet: kevin williamson made our favorite genre-aware homoerotic slasher movie, scream, and dawson's creek both, and the only functional difference between them is what genre conventions he was allowed to play with to make it. in scream he got to have his repressed closet cases do murder. in dawson's creek, dawson must pick up the camera and make his friends into Characters, instead.)

dawson's creek and riverdale are suuuuch spiritually similar shows, at least the parts of DC that williamson was involved with - so for sure seasons 1-2, and then his comeback many seasons later for the finale (which i think the riverdale finale also riffed on heavily. mwah). you've got:

the original controversial "teenagers don't fucking talk like this omg cringe" ft. heightened theatrical hyperstylized dialogue full of movie references

comphet camp. no character is truly coherent unless you pepper in the fact that they're lgbt and repressing it as hard as they can. barchie, meet dawson/joey. it sucks here sooo bad but it's certainly in the social script and legacy expectations. might try to make it last a lifetime!

meta plot about the whole show possibly being the creation of the most repressed and judgmental (and asexual) control freak main character. plus many in-universe metaplots where said character makes autobiographical work romanticizing/projecting all over his friends

titular location (riverdale, the creek) is both a story setting AND a narrative mousetrap that the characters are trapped in.

there are tons of direct DC<>rvd plot and character riffs and web-weaves. like anon mentioned, principal honey really does play like a later-in-life continuation of kerr smith's role as jack in dawson's creek, with dawson creek jack's values and beliefs. most of the s1 rvd characters make more sense in the context of dawson's creek archetypes, too (especially jughead, veronica, kevin imo). many plots seem yanked off a teen drama tropes bingo card that dawson's creek filled out for them (complimentary!!!!).

they also both just have a really similar character writing approach to their campy genre pulp. the shows are very arch and into their coding games and doublespeak, the text is a fluid thing never taken too seriously or held too dearly. but the characters are nearly always treated earnestly and with love, we're allowed to grow so fond of them as an audience bc the narrative is one of love (sometimes an oppressive love full of meta-projections from its unreliable narrator-creator, but LOVE!!). it's a priority that while the weird tropey shit is happening, we still really are allowed to care about how it feels to be archie or pacey or jen or betty, and the emotional repercussions of any weird tropey happenings are carried through fairly consistently*. dawson is THE WORST. but he's beloved. he's vivid. he's coherent. his feelings are wrong but they're real and we do care. we do!! we must!!

anyway. you made me go back and look at posts from when i went back and rewatched dawson's creek in 2022. here's an assortment of random hot takes and fawning fond adorationisms, if you even care. look at my closeted friends from the creek. they're stuck like this!

PS: i made a list one time of the 6 essential dawson's creek episodes (i would add the 2-part whole series finale to this list in retrospect, so 8 episodes total) that one could watch out-of-context to open their <understanding gay-auteur camp teen drama comphet-lamenting queer-coding tropes and conventions> third eye. it's here on my personal blog! most recommend the daddy/mommy issues fishing trip ep (parent<>child dynamics and gender...riveressentials) and the gay two-parter (principal honey!!).

PPS: @kevin-keller-artistic-director used to post about rvd and dawson's creek semi regularly and probably would have great thoughts about this topic beyond what i just dredged up <3 also interested if anyone else wants to riff on the topic of riverdale as a successor/sibling to dawson's creek 👀

*pacey's CSA plot (DEROGATORY) a notable exception to this. but that's because dawson's creek isn't trying to depict abuse, it's trying to do a queer closet metaphor, where "being in high school but dating an adult woman" is the same as "having a same-sex relationship with a peer" in terms of secrecy and shame and social impact...just NO thought to power dynamics or trauma AT ALL. it's basically the kevin/moose plot from riverdale and pacey is impacted by it like kevin is. gross!!!!

[bcofl0ve]

on a more lighthearted europe note- some random observations as a born and bred american that made made me ???

y'all do not sell tampons with applicators and that's kinda on me for not simply packing my own but booo. booo this is me booing.

i feel like the food comes out hotter than it does in the states??? not that i'm ever served *cold* food in the usa but i am super sensitive to hot food/drinks and i feel like ive had to wait longer here to start eating than i do when i'm home.

how long it takes to bring the check at restaurants (though i do really like that everything is digital at the table and not putting your card in a little book/waiting for it to come back). a german buddy said this is because culturally here in europe people tend to stay after the meal and talk more, whereas americans are used to just up and leaving right away. which i mean, yeah sounds about right haha!

minus being freaked out by an intercom system glitch during class yesterday- as a school shooting survivor ive always wondered if i'd actually feel safer in europe. and i do! which is a bit of a weird thing to process!

i don't drive so i take uber quite a bit in the states, and it was very much a thing in the netherlands but not in germany which has been slightly annoying. though the weather has been great here so far, thankfully!

and the walk to class here in nuremberg is really pretty with literal castle buildings lol i'm not ready to go back to my boring walk to school in the midwest usa.

i already kinda knew this from tiktok but in all the travel chaos i forgot people generally dont wear athleisure out until my friend and i went out to eat right after we got to germany in gym clothes bc we were traveling and someone we walked past literally said "look at them" to their friend lmfao. yes, we are americans!!! *eagle noises*

(this is a post made for fun. in all seriousness i am having the time of my life here and i know i'm gonna bawl like a baby when it's time to go home. excited to go to poland thursday-sunday!)

[mrs-monaghan]

I'm a jikooker and I'm done with the narrative change few bloggers here are doing remarks bday because somehow Jimin couldn't meet JK on his bday and they don't wanna accept that.

bc nowhere has jm or jk said that "jm didn't see jk" anon...

jk said he was going to be very busy, jm said he called jk on Aug 31st and jk was busy and he hopes jk maintains his health, jm said for fans to wish jk happy birthday

said JK was busy ON THE day of his bday and Mingyu may have met him at company..now that JK already confirmed he didn't went to work and was lying all day, they are changing their narrative to JK being busy on 31st, which he was and Mingyu went to meet him at home.

bc the boy (jk) did a nine minute long live just to go lie down all day??

also as it has been said many times, jk said he was going to busy, so that's not a crazy assumption to make, mingyu works at hybe (seventeen) so that was an option for them to see eo

also changing/correcting your opinion after coming across new information isn't inherently wrong, it's normal lol

we knew nothing about what jk did on his actual birthday, now we know he at least was lying down for most of it

In both cases according to what Jimin said its crystal clear he didn't saw JK on his bday and WHY ARE WE NOT ACCEPTING IT ???? ok, he used to meet JK for all his previous bdays and ? Does that make Jimin not meeting JK for his 2023 bdah impossible? NOPE.

no it's not??

it's a little confusing if before no matter how far away or busy jm was, he saw jk on his (jk's) birthday

getting mad a people bc (1) we don't have all the facts and people are making assumptions or spreading lies (2) we're adjusting to a possible first time for jm and jk, is actually insane anon...

If he saw JK he would've said i saw him yesterday/today (LIKE HE SAID HE COULDN'T MEET JOON FOR HIS LAST BDAY SO HE DOESNT HAVE ANY PROBLEM IN SHARING WHETHER HE MET OR DIDNT MET MEMBERS FOR THEIR BDAYS).

"like he said he couldn't meet nj" exactly, jm didn't say sh*t about whether he saw jk or not on the day of jk's birthday

and he has no problem saying if he didn't so...

But that didn't happened, He spoke to JK on 31st night and that's it, accept it already.

that's not it... tf are you actually talking about??

Now if one day JK come live and say he didn't saw Jimin, then what ? Will they change their narratives again????

well yes... we'll have all the information and one of jkk would have actually said "jm did not see jk on jk's birthday" for the first time

Can I ask why tf this is so important?

(1) it's doesn't make sense (a first, both in skr, lying down all day)

(2) debunking lies (jm never said he didn't meet jk)

I haven't seen Jkkrs being this invested in what JK does for Jimin's bday.

why are you lying???

(1) before jk posted the iconic "it's not over yet" selca before tokyo, jkkrs were being downright vile to jk... and when jm posted his tokyo vlogs and jk hadn't posted gcft, jkkrs were acting like jk didn't have fun on the trip and only jm cares in their relationship

(2) bts were in amsterdam on tour (2018) and jk hadn't yet posted for jm's bday, jm's birthday ended in SOUTH KOREA but it was STILL JM'S BDAY WHERE BTS WERE and jkkrs were being weird as hell to jk, then jk did post on jm's birthday in the time zone they were in

(3) jk didn't post for jm and was crucified, not only by jkkrs but army

(4) before the thirst trap video dropped, jkkrs were once again being weird to jk, joking about dropping him and jikook bc hobi was spamming about jm

Some years he didn't even wished jimin on sm let alone seeing or giving him gifts..so why is it only Jimin held to a high standards?

jk was attacked so many times for that... tf are you talking about?

Please stop this clownery when we don't have any evidence in Jimin meeting JK on 1st. If anything, as of now it seems like all Jimin did was to call JK on 31st. And that's OK

no it doesn't??

y'all making snap judgements either way is weird, just wait if you are doubtful, bc this is verging on calling jm and/or jk a liar

Louder anon, for those haters in the back!

[tildeathiwillwrite]

Storms I love when a bunch of little things going wrong gang up on me and ruin my evening

First it's like okay my calves are sore af from yesterday so it's unpleasant to walk up slopes and stairs

And then I fuck up the bread I made for the halloween party today where it didn't rise properly so the texture is weird

and then we get to said party on time but everyone else is like an hour late

and normally i love hanging out with this group of people they're my irl friends i love them but the vibes were off tonight idk what it was

and then I agree to play ghosts in the graveyard with them and nearly sprain my ankle round 1 and in round 2 i fall off a slope which i did not know was there until i fell down it onto fucking concrete

so then i'm in more pain so i just quit (the tears are already there the pain wasn't even that bad but idkkkkk)

(it was like 3 feet. I didn't fall that far and i scraped the side of my hand and landed on my hip and thigh. nothing was broken, i wasn't bleeding, that pain was gone in like ten minutes but some bruising might be there tomorrow)

then more people get there even later and it's fine for a while but then i start thinking of leaving bc it's getting late and the person i carpooled with has to get up for work tomorrow

i'm having a really fun conversation with this one person who came later and then a couple of the initial group joins us and is like hey we're gonna play mafia wanna join?

and i'm like we should leave soon but we can do one round

so i get up to go but??? no one else moves??? and then I go to where mafia is gonna be and there's one other person and nobody else comes for like five minutes

finally they show up but they're all chatty and i gently suggest mafia several times

every time i am ignored by everyone except the person i carpooled with

either that or nobody heard me but stilllllll

and nobody else even brings up mafia until fifteen minutes later when i finally am like okay we literally gotta go

proceed to be all noooo let's play now

seriously it's a 45 minute drive home for me and another 30 for my carpool buddy we gotta GO

and i feel kinda bad bc i was seriously at the end of my rope by then but i was definitely a lot ruder than i should have been

i probably should apologize but rn i'm still too upset to even think about it without tears welling up so i might just wait and see if anyone reaches out first until i've gotten over it enough to formulate a genuine apology

seriously i love these people but idkkkkk what was going on

honestly at the end of the day it's probably spiritual warfare so i should probably do something about that but anioveiomvaoemviaomviomavoembiambioemb

thank God for my carpool buddy who recognized that i was getting upset and had my back for getting us to actually leave

[boyswanna-be-her]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

[dadsdaugther]

TW: anxiety, vent post

I was supposed to meet A with some of her friends and then my sister and we were supposed to go to a club together which I had been look so much forward to but i had so much anxiety yesterday and today. And then I had a nightmare about my mom scolding me and shit after all that stuff so I woke up at 5am. Slept 4 hours and then went to work and I’ve just had so much anxiety as well today. And it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt like this and it just sucks so bad. So now I kinda canceled with A also bc that girl drinks a lot and she’s very much that person that thinks it’s fun to drink a lot. And im not like that at all. And im just not in the mood for that but I was just looking forward to having fun at a queer club with queer ppl. But I just feel like shit rn and I know I will find a solution to it and feel better soon. It’s just rn it’s a bit weird and hard and idk where to put my emotions so now im putting them here. And everything just feels extremely uncomfortable

And im not writing this for ppl to dm me I just needed a place to put all this stuff

[queenofzan]

had a wild experience with my doctor visit yesterday

So my GP is a man I actually followed from the last clinic he was at, where I had been getting care for like. Nine years. I still go there for like, gynecology, because there is a nurse/midwife there whom I would die for, but I only have to see her like every five years or whatever. I had in fact only seen Dr. Brown twice before I followed him to the other clinic lmao, but both of those experiences were like. Honestly excellent. I think he was the first doctor I ever saw who spontaneously asked for my pronouns before I was out or started T, like. This was part of his introduction to a new patient was giving his name and pronouns and then asking mine, bc the paperwork didn't. Wild shit.

He was also the doctor I saw when it had been five weeks and I still had COVID symptoms, and he was very nice and wrote a letter that I should not have needed for my shitty ableist program.

Like, I've seen several other doctors at that clinic, but never really liked any of them that much? I didn't really click with Mom's doctor, and I was not about to start seeing the doctor who doesn't listen to her unless I'm in the room, even if she does seem to like me.

Anyway, like, this is a doctor I really like, for many reasons. The only reason I initially didn't see him again after the first time was because I was like, a male doctor? Who sees men on purpose? But like. Gaining more weight and getting more visibly trans it's like. Yes I would actually like the large man who did not bring up my weight or make weird remarks about my gender, and somehow immediately diagnosed my migraines as allergies and was correct, thank you.

But this visit on Thursday, there was a student doctor with him, and she was the one to do the first part of my visit, and like. Jesus H Christ it's night and day with these people. She didn't ask very many questions OR listen to my whole explanation, regurgitated textbook information that I KNOW was textbook information because I did research on my symptoms and the treatments for it before I even made the appointment, and was just like. Recommending lifestyle interventions like eating around acidic foods. Which I've been doing...for ten years....Not helpful. But she was still going to give me the meds I figured I needed, so like, I was going to just zone out and deal with it.

At the end Dr. Brown stepped in again and was like, hey here's some information (confirming my suspicions) that was, IMO, clearly drawn from actually listening to me, and also, here's a fun fact about testosterone and the medication we're giving you, the t has a protective effect against the negative side effects! So hopefully you will have an even better outcome than most people.

And like I said, I've seen him like. Three times. Only once did we go over my family history, and I don't think Mom's probable GERD was included then. But I said I'd been dealing with heartburn for a while, and Dr. Brown was like, "How long did you say you'd been dealing with this?" (I didn't say specifically; she didn't ask) and then was like, yeah, you're probably going to end up on this medication long-term, just shoot me a message via mychart and we can schedule an endoscopy so we can keep an eye on any potential side effects moving forward, no need to come back in, just keep taking them.

This was like the five minutes at the end of the visit! And it demonstrated so much better listening and understanding of his patient!

Anyway. Nothing like having a "typical" medical experience to make you appreciate how good your doctor that you specifically followed to a new practice is.

[monsterhunting]

Hello! I was re-reading -i bet you think about me- yesterday, and saw your reblog about the commentary posts 👀 would v much enjoy some info on the writing process for that fic. It's my favourite modern-era version of Jonathan, that perfect mix of grumpy and sweet 🧡 also love how that fic gently played around with the mean/petty elements of both Steve and Jonathan's personalities (v underappreciated character traits of theirs in my opinion)

[i bet you think about me; from this ask meme!]

omg well firstly this is very very nice of you to say!!!!! i am very honored that is a fic you would want to reread, i had a lot of fun writing that one!

and ok so originally i thought that fic might be a long oneshot (this happens very often I fear.) once i outlined and started writing, I realized that wouldn’t be the case, but before that?l? the idea for the fic was inspired by the fact that my Alexa is synced to my Spotify, which means sometimes i’m listening to music on my phone or laptop and it randomly cuts off bc my mom started listening to the Alexa at home. (Luckily this hasn’t screwed my algorithm up too badly. although i did get an email the other month thanking me for being one of earth wind & fire’s top fans.) ((also: i realize now this is a weird jump to “hmm stonathan exes to lovers au where….�� but that was indeed the jump i made.))

so for several months the fic sat in my Google docs with just a few lines of prose/dialogue here and there and a couple of notes with ideas. I think the first little bit i wrote was the beginning when steve tells robin about realizing Jonathan still has his Spotify (and by that i mean that for a while the only words in the Google docs were “you know what’s funny about this? You and Jonathan have, like, the opposite taste in music.”) and then for a while I’d randomly come up with little ideas and quickly add them to the doc. In fact, i distinctly remember driving home from a vacation with my family in the car, coming up with a bunch of ideas, and quickly writing them down when we stopped at the Starbucks drive thru. (I think that was when I threw in the what makes you beautiful karaoke flashback and also the scene post-confrontation where Nancy tells steve Jonathan is seeing someone and then has to clarify it’s a therapist lmao)

So that was the ~early stage stuff, and then i fully outlined it and started actually writing and then posting it in chapters, which is around the time I decided it would be nonlinear with flashbacks breaking up the present day sections. Also: the flashbacks were very much my favorite part to write!!!

And then from there i was mainly focused on creating, like….the vibe. I pretty much knew i wanted the fic to start out fun with a lot of Spotify shenanigans but get a bit more angsty as it went on, and i wanted that to tie in with Steve’s general attitude at the beginning being “the breakup wasn’t a big deal and we weren’t even serious” (which you kinda know from the get-go can’t be true because steve and jonathan were neighbors and friends for over a year before they even started dating) and then as the fic goes on you realize it very much was serious and steve is very much not over it. And then alongside that i was trying to walk the line of “these are two fucked up individuals who are very fucked up over each other and the reasons why they broke up make sense for them as characters and are realistic but also you should root for them to get back together regardless.” which was….hard at times lmao. i mean i feel like stonathan kinda have a toxic yaoi vibe depending on characterization / context so it wasn’t hard hard but also i did want to show they were genuinely good together and happy before they self sabotaged their relationship so that was another line i also struggled to walk.

relatedly; i’m glad you said you liked steve and jonathan’s petty/mean elements because i worried at several moments i was making them too mean! i think i was especially worried people would think jonathan was too mean, mainly because you don’t get his pov so you don’t really know what’s going on in his head. which is partly what i added in a little wrap-up of the events of the fic from his point of view when he and Steve talk toward the end. but also, tbh — and maybe this will sound bad lmao — i was thinking about it and then i was like “hang on. you’re writing M/M fanfiction. The only way someone would get mad at you because they think either of them is too mean is if one of them was a woman. So you’re fine.” And that helped lmao

Not really sure when I decided what the ending would be but i knew i wanted their reconciliation convo to start with Jonathan playing a song that had some sort of significance to steve / their relationship. And I knew i wanted them to be like “we’re gonna try again and work things out” but i wanted there to be a sense that they’d be successful without necessarily doing an epilogue??? so I just did a lil paragraph at the end that was like steve imagining them living together and giving speeches at robin and Nancy’s wedding and stuff, and that was basically a little confirmation that they’d be fine and things would work out. And then i ended with a flashback to Steve suggesting they share the Spotify account initially bc I thought that would be nice and full circle :)

Thank you so much for asking!!!

[moonjxsung]

🌟🪐Star baby🪐🌟

So update on the writer guy: Honestly ever since we exchanged face reveals, he's acting like he's obsessed with the way I look. Specifically, my eyeballs. At first, it was cute and all...

But yesterday I felt like it was getting too much about me (specifically my face) so I tried to have a constructive or fun conversation. I asked him how his day went (it was Saturday) and how did he spend it. He said nothing and his life is pretty boring; he does nothing all day. Well, we spent 4 hours the day before just talking about his hobbies and passion for books and movies and writing so I was kinda thrown off. Which I suppose is not too bad, BUT THEN! He said his mind is occupied by something else entirely. Internally I went "Ain't no way he's gonna say it" and I played dumb and tried my best to steer away when he said "It's you. And specifically how you would look in casuals haha."

Star he wanted pictures of how I looked in jeans and shirts, I was MEGA disappointed. I felt objectified, not admired. I felt so disappointed because we bonded over meaningful conversations about our shared interests and thoughts and well... I just wanted a wholesome friendship ._.

We haven't talked since I said no to him. I even watched a movie and told him I watched Before Sunrise and it's beautiful and he replied "Good".

I'm so done. If we ever happen to talk again and he asks for pics or smth I'll straight up block him.

Anyways

HOW'S YOU MY LIDDOL LOVE??? How was ur weekend, I read the posts about the party and how much fun u had and my heart swelled and felt so warm. I love it when you're happy and having a good time; you deserve it considering the kind of week you had. Even so, I hope from here on your days are filled with warmth and loads of fun and love.

I LOVE YOU MY STAR💫

Your, 🦝

HI MY ANGELLLL 🫶🫶

Oh my god not the eyeball obsession…… HELPPPP THAT’S SO WEIRD???? I fucking HAAAATE IT when you’re in a talking phase with someone and they have to make it sexual 🤕 the first time my ex boyfriend did it I cried so hard because I genuinely thought we were building a connection and I brushed it off the next day, but looking back I would just cut off somebody who did that bc it’s always so random and it just completely throws off the dynamic. Like the minute some guy just wants pictures I will just straight up block now 😐 I’m so sorry bby I thought he seemed so cool and I was excited at least you’d have a wholesome friendship with him but it sucks he had to make it weird ☹️ if he tries to bother you again I will actually fight him frfr

ANYWAYS IM GOOOOOD my weekend was simultaneously so fun but tiring at the same time and I didn’t sleep at all last night so I’m so excited to be done w work today because I’m going to nap allllll day 🫶 I might order a coffee or something to keep me awake bc I feel so unproductive but other than that I’m pulling thru !! I also can’t believe it’s April omg this year is flying by frfr

I LOVE YOU BABY ANGELLLL I hope you have the best week ever and I’m sending you all my love always xoxoxoxo remember to eat and drink lots of water. I love u 👼💕💖💞💘💓💗 boop