#which was balanced out by being really vulnerable to a new level w someone for the first time and sacrificing time and effort for others

[reflectionsofneptune]

little reasons why you could be attracting particular signs

Some reasons why you could be attracting these signs, or signs on these particular house cusps. I had lots of fun w/ this post so take it w/ a pinch of salt. My lil thoughts as usual. Big kiss. 

Aries / sign on your 1st House Cusp

You’re frustrated. Or maybe you’ve suddenly been onset with a surge of energy for a particular project or subject that’s close to your heart. Feeling risky? Or, are you feeling lost? Is there something you want to dive all in to? Are you becoming more confident in yourself? Giving yourself pep talks in the mirror? Daily reminders popping up on the phone? Aries energy is all about putting energy in the world (Cardinal) based on one’s aspirations (Fire). The universe could be asking you to stop being all talk and dreaming of things (Pisces) to the point where all they remain wistful fantasies and take action. (Aries/1st house) Steps forward, no matter how small, no matter how big, count.

Taurus / sign on your 2nd House cusp

You’re hungry. Hahahaha I’m laughing while I double check my fridge knowing there’s nothing there :) :) What are your boundaries looking like? Have you got a firm idea of what you will and won’t stand for? Do you have something in your life you’re nurturing? Do you need to pay more attention to your coins? Working on self-love? Taurus energy is all about consolidating (Fixed) material things and a solid value system (Earth) to help circulate a feeling of stability in their life. The universe could be asking you to to take that vision you have (Aries) and line up all the things you have accessible to you, right this very minute, that can make that happen. (Taurus/2nd house) Appreciate what you have, and watch how many new things pour in.

Gemini / sign on your 3rd House cusp

You’ve been gossiping. So that person you bitched about heard what you said…..and this Gemini in your life…..is here to get the receipts…..i’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. SIKE. What are you paying attention to nowadays? Ideas? Other people’s opinions? Are you learning something new? Maybe you need to not be so attached to ideas, thoughts and concepts coming from other people. Make your own mind up. Do you have interesting ideas you can share with people, but you’re keeping it under wraps? No fair. Gemini energy is all about sharing (Mutable) their opinions (air) with other people. The universe could be asking you to express your unique talents (Taurus) with the world through a platform of some sort. (Gemini/ 3rd house) It’s OK to speak up about your ideas. I bet they’re awesome. 

Cancer / sign on your 4th house cusp

You’ve been crying. Nah I’m playing. (but if you have, that’s OK too). Maybe you’ve been working on your inner child. Have you been taking some time to re-parent yourself with good food, good company and that one film you loved as a kid? Are you healing trauma from your childhood? Maybe healing needs to be done on the female relationships in your life. Maybe you need to be honest about the things in you life you emotionally react to in situations that doesn’t warrant this kind of behaviour. Cancer energy is all about actively (Cardinal) nurturing themselves and others (Water) through comforting actions.The universe could be asking you to look at your thoughts (Gemini/3rd house) and seeing what a direct impact that has on your emotions. What we think has a correlation to the feelings we feel.

Leo / sign on your 5th house cusp

You’re doing too much. There’s probably an area of your life, where you’re shining. It’s possibly your living from the heart now. You’re putting yourself out there. Or, maybe you need to take the time to have some fun? Are you ignoring those recurring impulses to do something creative which will feed your spirit? Leo energy is all about being self-willed (Fixed) in their ability to showcase their creative self-expression (Fire) to others. Leo’s know that they are the shit, you can’t tell ‘em nothin’. The universe could be asking you to find a special way to channel your emotions (Cancer/4th house) into an artistic expression somehow. Creativity is so subjective - beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder at the end of the day. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. *KJ voice* hehehehe.

Virgo / sign on your 6th house cusp

You need to clean up an area of your life. Virgo energy is all about being adaptable (Mutable) with one’s ideas as well as routines and habits in one’s daily life (Earth). Are you becoming more organised? Paying more attention to what you’re ingesting in all forms, staring from the food you’re eating to the people you’re surrounding yourself with? Or maybe you need to Marie Kondo something, bad. Bring order into a chaotic structure in your life. Maybe, those self-defeating thoughts that do no good for your well-being need a stern talking to. A balance needs to be struck between the mental side and the physical side. The universe could be asking you to better shape that creative talent you have (Leo/5th house) and refine it. Not to a level of perfection which is often unattainable, but a little tweak here and never hurt anybody.

Libra / sign on your 7th house cusp

You’re out of balance. Libra is all about a dedicated intention (Cardinal) of obtaining harmony and a sense of fairness in relationships (Air) of all kinds, be it platonic, romantic, professional. Maybe you’ve been giving extra care to your relationships and are showing up for those people that have had your back. Are you missing out on the beauty in life? Vacillating between two things? Or maybe you’ve taken a good look at the people around you, and people who don’t match your energy have got the chop. Can you see two sides to one situation? The universe could be asking you to take a look at how the lens - be it critical, analytical, thoughtful or helpful - (Virgo/6th house) in which you view people hinders or strengths your partnerships.The great thing about life is people are often mirrors, what you dislike in someone else, may actually be present within you on a deeper level. 

Scorpio / sign on your 8th house cusp

You’re sexually frustrated. Are you going through a pivotal change in your life? Or are you tapping into your sexual power? Sexual liberating yourself from things that held you down? Maybe discernment has been strengthened lately and you’re not taking much at face level anymore. Playing detective? Or, are you struggling to open up to others? To be vulnerable. Do you need to let go of something? Scorpio energy is all about a strong willpower and determination in life (Fixed) that comes from a total transformation and understanding of one’s unconscious wants and desires. (Water) The universe could be asking you to look at the ways your unconscious childhood emotional patterns affect your relationships. (Libra/7th house) Life gets better when you don’t hold back and open yourself to experiencing things, fully. Promise.

Sagittarius / sign on your 9th house cusp

You’re been acting reckless. Have you been seeing life from a more expansive point of view? Maybe you’re taking risks in life and they’re paying off in ways you didn’t dream possible. Look at you. Are you wanting to just drop all responsibilities and F off to somewhere completely different? The idea of throwing yourself into the deep end of this thing called life look appealing? I feel you. Or maybe, you’ve being a bit more blunt, honest in life and saying things for how they are. Do you need to lighten up in an area of you life? Maybe, there’s an area of life that needs to you to rely on your higher mind and follow your heart. Sagittarius energy is all about widening their beliefs (Fire) in a curious fashion as they explore life. (Mutable) The universe could be asking you to dive deeper into your shadow side (Scorpio/8th) to aid you in personal growth. 

Capricorn / sign on your 10th house cusp

You’re too preoccupied with your career. Recently, you could have been thinking about what you want to do in life. Getting more serious on your life purpose kind of thing. Perhaps the steps you need to take are becoming more clear. You’re becoming more clear on your position in society. Or, you feel a fear about stepping into your power. You may be questioning whether or not you have what it takes. Possible responsibilities looking more like burdens than opportunities for growth. Capricorn energy is all about disciplined efforts in steps in their world (Cardinal) to secure one’s material security. (Earth) The universe could be nudging you to actually cement your dreams (Sagittarius/ 9th house) house into something practical. Let’s get the bag. I mean, let’s graft for the life that we really want. 

Aquarius / sign on your 11th cusp

You’re being rebellious. Have you been researching a broader range of topics related to human consciousness?  Perhaps you’re investing effort in your friendships. It could be that now the way you react to things, or you’re actively trying to see people, places and things from a more objective standpoint. Or you need to incorporate that viewpoint in your life. Is there an area of life where you just need to be brave and be rebellious? Aquarian energy is all about establishing (Fixed) an inventive and progressive way in which one can use in relating to others in society. (air) The universe could be asking you to further mould what you produce in the real world (Capricorn/10th house) to ensure that it has positive benefits for society.

Pisces / sign on your 12th house cusp

You’re tapping out. Or, you’re not but you are giving yourself precious time to do some productive visualisation. Maybe you’ve been researching spiritual topics such as LOA and manifestation. Do you need to forgive yourself, or someone else? Maybe compassion is how you’re living your life nowadays and it feels amazing. Realising that we’re all connected in one way, shape or form? Pisces energy is all about being the ability to co-exist (Mutable) with whatever life throws at them by relying on their intuition (Water) and connection to a higher power to get them though. The universe could be asking you to look at how you can give back (Aquarius/11th house) or, alternatively, make a deeper connection with yourself. The good, bad and the ugly. Does your ego need a check?

[lunarosetarot]

Earth Signs🌿: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

Apply to your sun, moon, rising + Venus as it resonates

New love and connections coming in for earth babes! Some of you may be entering new relationships or in the midst of forming strong bonds with someone you feel really understands you and appreciates you. You may finally feel seen for who you are and may be receiving validation from these new connections that you have not have felt you received in the past. You guys are able to open up it each other and be able to pour yourselves out to one another , which may feel refreshing as vulnerability may be a thing some of you have struggled w in the past.

This connection seems very genuine, but there still may be uncertainty there. It may be hard to let go of insecurities or hurt brought by past relationships or heartbreaks. This may manifest In trust or control issues, especially as earth signs like to feel stable and secure and may have a tendency to come off as controlling if unbalanced. You’re being asked to maintain a level head here . Open communication with your partner about your triggers and pain will help bring clarification to the relationship and allow you to feel more secure without them having to guess your feelings. This person is someone who genuinely wants to understand you and make life easier for you.

Earth signs may be feeling the weight of the world right now , and it may be quite overwhelming. You may be setting impossibly high standards for yourselves, and when you inevitably fall short of these ridiculously high expectations, you take it as a blow to your self worth. It’s important to remember to grant yourself the grace try to give others. It seems you have a few solid people in your circle that are willing to help you , but you have to let them know you’re struggling first. They may be able to sense something isn’t quite right , but don’t want to overstep their boundaries as you may be known to try to handle things yourself. It’s okay to let them in and see what’s really going on behind the scenes. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. And you’re blessed to have people who genuinely want to help, so let them ! Balance is a key theme for earth signs this month. In relations, friendships , work + play. Balance is necessary.

Blessings and love

LunaRoseTarot🌙🌹🌿🧿

[stormyreadingsxx]

The WHO and the WHAT

Giving understanding your chart a chance:

Planetary Alignments

Taurus, Pisces.... Even knowing your sun is a Cancer and your rising in Aries is all good and well. But planets add a whole other layer over the way you may function in a sign (or a house but that’s for another post I guess). It’s easy to remember traits about zodiac signs (like fiery elements and the differences between cardinal and fixed) but do you know what sign a given planet is in? If it is in strength or at a weakness? These observations can turn a non-believer of astrology into an advocate.

My Venus is in Virgo (also my sun and moon sign and of course in fall or working against it’s placement) meaning for ME, finding someone who has the capacity to understand my love language or not take advantage of my mutable big three has been hard. I notice a trend of retreating inward without knowing it (when my emotional needs aren’t met), and others need to see and hear things to know... And there is the disconnect. 

Mercury: ☿ The Messenger ~ The clear ruler of communication (and why the retrograde is so fantastically catastrophic, but more on that later), how we take in, let out, and process information is important. Your sun, moon, & rising should be taken into account separately from this. A sun in Scorpio may mean you’re mysterious, emotional (even if you hide it), and a bit brooding but a Mercury in Leo could mean you explain and express yourself with unexpected flair. Understanding this aspect in your chart can help you be a better listener, talker, or find out what kind of people you want to interact with in the long run. 

*I used my Leo Mercury as an example. I go through introverted, critical, and anxious bouts as an overthinking earth sign, but I’ve always had a knack for telling stories and only recently have I discovered this connection. Using humor to cope is comforting to most people, I guess. lol

Venus: ♀︎ The Lover ~ I will admit to using Sailor Senshi to remember my planetary themes, but yes this one is known emphatically as The Lover. In addition to your sun, moon, and Mercury this can give you insight to how you love, your own love language, and how best someone might receive you. My Virgo Venus has doubled down on the earthy acts of service as mine. I’ve always wanted to make sure the people I love and care about are fed (finishing my food if I cannot) and their lives easier (tidying a room, folding laundry etc...). Somewhere along the way, this became easier than words. 

That’s nice and all, but my criticalness and Mercury-ruled energy (A sharp Virgo way with words that can be weaponized and unfocused Gemini-ness that at best is spacey) it’s hard for me to get through to people at times. Understanding yours (or someone else’s) Venus is their approach to romance (so how much more emotionally intelligent do you feel understanding how you communicate and how you approach love ?). 

Mars: ♂︎ The Warrior ~ If Venus is our feminine ~love~ energy, then Mars is obviously the opposite (at least in symbol). What grinds your gears? Turns thoughts and ideas into action? Mars is about expressing (our anger) and how we get what we desire. What is that cost?

Our drives and our passions.... Mine happens to be in Gemini. I love my ability to go with the flow and appeal to all sorts of people, professions, and hobbies. But this energy (even with my earthiness) is unfocused. Lots of thought and brain action (and typing at 3 am asfcgsd) but harnessing it is not always an easy thing for me. If we can be honest here, it never has. 

I can be easily bored (although I will say I’m crushing boredom in quarantine for the most part) and my mercurial ass is actually exhausted and borderline in distress when I’m bored. My mind races and it becomes anxiety. Even hyper-vigilant criticisms of myself. I’ve turned to bottles, pills, and risky behavior to avoid it! Now that I see and understand this cloying longing to feel like I belong everywhere and the way chaos manifests in my space if I’m not well, I begin to understand and fix that. 

I must find balance in the doing and the not doing but I can’t let my mind get bored. I’ve always been a fidgety person and talked with my hands (my massaged cat and friends can attest to both). And I often take on many projects and only the strong survive.... I used to not understand my Gemini rising but the more I talk, the more it make sense (since it is ruled by the Mercury communicator and the area of the hands).

Jupiter: ♃ The Sage ~ Now here’s something maybe everyone can get into. Luck. Jupiter has to do with a lot of luck in our charts, how we improve our lives and show generosity throughout it. For me, though my Jupiter comes in the same sign as my sun and moon (New Moon babies unite), its is actually at it’s detriment or not working as strongly as it could be (a trend I’m noticing with my Virgo placements lmfao).

Investigation will show that I’ve always been good at being persuasive and using warm graces to win someone over. That’s why from customer service to [REDACTED] (rhymes with.... h*x w*rk), I make a good front of house. My need to see a tangible result of progress (in video games, typing things like this out, or reorganizing all my things, creating art) can be attributed to this. For a day dreamer, I have a very grounded chart. 

Saturn: ♄ The Taskmaster ~ Saturn, Saturn, Saturn.... Known of course by the infamous return, the one denoting when different clusters of generations ‘grow up’ (and I’m pretty sure I’m about due for AND going right through mine but I deleted co__star lmao), some associate with death. The end. Saturn is associated with restriction and limitation. Boundaries. This all sounds negative, but Saturn brings with it structure and meaning. A good relationship and understanding yields great things for life!

“Saturn is often associated with our fathers or father/authority figures. In childhood, the discipline, rules, and regulations imposed on us by our authority figures–from parents, teachers, and the like–were not always pleasant, but they actually helped us to understand the world around us. Similarly, Saturn’s lessons actually help us to grow.”

Ouch.

I will try to let this speak for itself and not project TOO much of my own chart as if you care, but I’ve only recently seen so deeply into what makes up who I am astrologically. I’ve always had a bit of a struggle with boundaries. Initiating them. Holding my space and comfort over others.

I was born during a New Moon and at LEAST one retrograde. 

Saturn.

I can condemn myself for that or I can keep going, deeper and see why and how going forward I don’t fall into the same pitfalls (or maybe give myself a little compassion seeing that others have struggled my struggle). It does kind of feel like the whole world is on it’s Saturn return right now, though. 

Uranus: ⛢ The Revolutionary ~ My Uranus was also in retrograde during my birth. I do feel conflict at this time of riots, protests, and rampant and unrepentant police brutality. People who look just like me die in the streets, in police custody, somewhere in strange circumstances. Vulnerable to covid and staying to help my parents, my place isn't at protests even if it feels like my heart is. I do my part to speak my mind and perspective, donate and raise awareness. Support my allies on the lines in the ways I can. 

I cannot lie and say the present doesn’t scare me. Or being tear-gassed, detained indefinitely, thrown in jail or court, or disappeared. All of it. 

“Uranus is quite at home in the eighth house of resurrections. You are naturally open and support change. “Change is good,” is your constant motto. Re-inventing yourself from time to time sounds like a good idea to you. You couldn’t possibly have it otherwise. Life would be boring without change. Your style and pace of bringing about change though may leave others dazed and breathless. The style of change that you prefer can be destructive to those around you. Your good intentions are never at doubt though. It’s just that you are addicted to your ideas and you sometimes overlook human emotions. Your natural impatience with status quo drives you to move fast leaving the staid behind.”

Maybe I jump ahead getting to houses, but I wanted to switch it up. Though Uranus was essentially moving backwards when I was born (and that seems to not bode well), the house (which can speak to a best way to reach the potential of your placements) seems to have kept me from losing all discernment and ability to adapt. 

On the topic of revolution among other things, I feel conflicted. Helpless. Futile. I’m finding my way through that, but it is almost awe-inspiring to see a struggle mapped out in the charts while I go through it. 

Neptune: ♆ The Dreamer ~ Didn’t I say earlier I’m a bit grounded for a daydreamer? A lot of my daydreams (and borderline escapism lol) are rooted and threaded in reality (especially since covid and damn near martial law have changed everyone’s perceptions of such). I have some far out dreams, but the content in my head could be shockingly close to reality sometimes. I love playing Animal Crossing and other general life simulations and always have.

Your vision of an ideal world may center around respect for rules, order, responsibility, and morality. You need to believe in the realizability of your dreams, and this means that your fantasies usually have a very realistic thread to them. There is a conservative, possibly somewhat cynical element to your nature. Because general optimism/faith does not typically carry or motivate you, energy levels may not be high when you don’t believe in what you’re doing, and inspiration is not easy to find in the first place. However, you can turn a dream into reality more easily than most. Your vision is practical but also doable.

I really am this optimistic-pragmatic-realistic but hardworking ???? person. My Neptune was also in retrogrograde during my birth. It has not hindered my creativity but even that is met with rigid expectations and an expected method for madness. I could stand to be dreamier and I work to inspire a calming, soothing, dreamy atmosphere (essential oils, Virgo 4th house things). But this may be why I always have my brain never too far in the clouds. Not without stimuli. 

Pluto: ♇ The Transformer ~ Ah, Pluto is the Ruler of Scorpio. A deep cut in my chart but I have always had a bad habit of falling deep, deep into the well of a watery Scorpio even though I should know better. Renew and Rebirth hits my experience with them on the head. At it’s worst, these planetary placements can promote a hedonistic greediness. ‘Everyone is bad so I must be too’ and a real commitment to harming those before you can get smited (because we’ve all been smited). 

I don’t have a lot of water in my chart personally, but this can help account for my intensity in search of connections (and why unlike a lot of my peers I pull away for long periods and go all in again, almost cyclical in a place where everyone’s always booed up).

Pluto in Scorpio may try to remain positive so strongly that they find themselves in denial, finding out when it is too late about all that was happening right under their noses.

Bingo.

Being strong and able to deal comes with a certain detachedness, a wall others cannot or will not try to breach. Understanding this will help me bring some of it down, right?

Are you interested in hunting down your birth time now? Try paring some of these tidbits or do your own planet research and pair it with the rest of your chart. You might start getting answers. 

[legisaskerator]

vent vent vent

buckle up bastards this is gonna be long as FUCK

holy fucking shit my life yhas been so goddamn hard recently and i’m not handling it well

first and foremost on my mind at this second is the fact that i am in so much fucking pain right now i do not know what to do. my EDS is acting up really really badly and i’m super bedridden right now. i took my last vicodin and i have no idea when i can get more, or how, and i have like nothing to help. i had to leave class today to weep in the fuckin bathroom because i can barely walk and even sitting up is a struggle. if i felt this sort of pain three years ago i would have likely considered doing something VERY rash to stop it and i’m amazed i’m still, almost functioning. i can barely think i’m in agony i want it to end

i’m so scared this is just the next turn that eds is taking. i know i wont ever get better but fuck, i dont want to need a mobility aid yet. i’m only fucking 22 i have to be a teacher!!! how can i fucking teach if i cant write on a board?? or maneuver around classrooms? how will i ever get a job? or even just. live in the house of my dreams. i wish there was some help for me because i am tired of ehlers danlos running my life. i am scared for my future. i cant imagine who i will become if this level of pain becomes my “normal”. someone move me to mass so i can get legal weed to try to numb myself

on the same path of injury, my mother recently injured herself very badly and was hospitalized for a little w hile. ended up needing surgery to put rods and screws and plates in her leg/ankle, and as a result, she’s not functioning for the next 12 weeks. i’m doing my best to help out aroudn the house and i’m filling in for her at work. she does advertising for a newspaper and brings the papers to subscribing businesses,, which i’m taking over now. at least i like driving?

i love my mom and i will do anythign to help her, but god it’s such a load on my shoulders. i’m  upset and frustrated because i’m strugtgling to balance my life around this sudden responsibility. it’s definitely not her i’m upset about, it’s not like she did this purposefully??? she needs the help and i am willing to give it. but i am also allowed to feel these emotions. i am upset at the /situation/. her boyf and my sister are barely helping and they’re neglectful and distant. i’m the only emotionally present one in the family and also (aside from mom) am the only nurturing, caring one in the household. i keep her from having panic attacks, i keep her anxiety down, i’m warm and i try so goddamn hard to make sure shes ok. but it’s exhausting. i’m keeping my family together it feels like, everythings crashing down and i’m the only “sane” one. which is sad because ive been a depressed wreck for weeks and have been working on scraping myself off the fucking pavement, trying to get out of the spiral. i’m scared that my mom relies so much on me. she tells me everything, things i don’t want to hear. relationship troubles primarily. i know i give great advice and am ~wise beyond my years~ (thanks trauma) but, that’s what her therapist is for. i’ve told her i wish she would, tell me less, because as her daughter it’s uncomfortable, and she always overreacts like “oh i’ll never tel you anything again if it’s so terrible then” and i end up feeling fucking awful, and it’s a nightmare. but if things keep going the way they are in their relationship (i’m not gonna spill deets because, privacy still) we might lose our house!!! and everything we’ve finally worked for!!

so i feel like, if i can’t fix this problem, it’ll be my fault our lives come crashing down.

i know that’s ridiculous. it’s not my job. 

but it still feels like it

i never feel like i’m doing enough. just in life in general. i’m not good enough i’m not working hard enough i just am not enough. i was very saturated with child prodigy shit when i was younger and that fucked up my psyche so much. it’s still thrown at me by my father, americas got talent and movies where the protag is a ~genius~. i hate it. ill never be that and i know that’s what my dad wants of me. i’m not the next bill gates i just want to be a teacher and live my life!!!! i don’t want to start a band and get famous!!!! i dont want to run a business!! i don’t want to revolutionize the world!! just let me please! follow my heart!!!!!! i can’t fucking stand it when he tries to tell me what to do with my life it makes me want to scream and wail and sjafkl; fd fjasfg;akldf

i can’t do this, man. 

i’m so alone. i’m sick of the slut life. i’ve been hoeing around for a year and it’s taking a massive toll on my self esteem and sanity. i’s a terrible coping mechanism and i’m very very not healthy about it. i only have sex when i’m heavily under the influence of something and use it as a way of getting attention, which is, awful. i often forgo protection because it’s ~inconvenient~ and the second a guy protests, i’ll cave because i ~live to please~ and don’t want to start shit. i can’t keep doing this. hooking up is the only time people ever touch me. i just want a fuckign hug sometimes

i keep seeing so many posts like “you can’t love another if you don’t love yoursel!” and “people aren’t your medicine” but what if??? they can be to an extent?? part of being uber depressed is self-isolation and i’m so, sick of it. i need some fucking comfort because right now i am suffering through my life alone and it’s so difficult. it’s not as easy as just, settling though. i’m picky with my lovers because?? i deserve someone good? everyone that’s been coming through my life like, has a fatal flaw that i just can’t do. like long term compatability is risked for me with that shit.like, too introverted, too emotionally distant, people who just aren’t smart, i can’t do it?? i just want someone who’s going to comfort me when i need it, who i can have a healthy debate with, and someone who respects my life choices and things i do. 

i’ve been talking to one guy recently who, i was hoping maybe could have been a potential. he’s super nice and considerate/respectful, hes HELLA smart, adores a bunch of the same stuff i’m into, we talk really well together, i feel comfortabgle around him, gotta say he’s hot as fuck too...and he just wants friends with benefits. I respect that. i was in a similar spot literally last semester, there was a pretty great guy but i just wasn’t in the right space for a relationship. so friends with benefits. i don’t blame this new guy for not wanting a relationship he has every right!! but oh god it hurts a little. i worry that it’s me, that i’m just a good pussy for him, or a convenient lay who’s down to clown like 99% of the time. he’s been talking to me less recently and i’m worried that he’s...done with me. idk if that’s true or if i’m just reading into it but i’m in a VERY vulnerable place right now in my life, and i really need someone by my side for it. i need the support and warmth. 

i wish my warmth would comfort me. i wish i could turn my nurturing attitude around and help myself. i wish i didn’t need smoene else for comfort. i’m a fuckin libra tho i live for romance

this guys’ great though. i hope he sticks around at least for a little bit longer. i want to learn more bout lovecraft.

my sluttiness is my biggest qualm with myself right now. it’s definitely a huge problem in my life, it’s actively causing me problems. my one friend (because, i have only one fucking friend i can actually talk to. that’s it i hAVE ONE i’m so goddamn l,onely) has been like, coaching me through making better decisions? i’m very impulsive and he’s got great advice and is quick to be like “then don’t” and shit. i’m trying really hard to make sure i dont use him as a therapist though, that’s unfair to him. i’m respectful and all that shit don’t worry bout htat. he’s a huge help to me and has been my absolute rock through college, idk where i’d be without him. he also introduced me to his friend group, who are all really amazing people? they welcomed me with open arms and no ones ever done that before. i’m always super outcasted cause i’m weird and i wont hide it because it’s ME goddamnit! but these people, they’re weird too, they’re freaks and outcasts and, while they’ve all been very close friends since they were wee tots, they still welcomed me in. they still wanted me to be part of them. i’m getting to know all of them still, but i’ve got hope that, maybe i’ve got some lifelong friends now. at the very least, i’m sure i’ve got one. 

onto phase 4 of my fuckin monologue i guess, topic SHIFT

my thesis is a mess and it’s due in three weeks, i’ve barely gotten anything done because my teacher is awful and i’m worried i’m gonna fail the course

which would be SUPER bad because, i’ve had this teacher too many times and we do not get along, she loathes my existence, and i really just need to get out. shes partly the reason i need an extra fucking year at school and i always DREAD going to her class. it’s humiliating and discouraging to spend three hours every monday there. no one else likes this professor, they’re only here becuase the school loooooves the researchers and writers. complaints dont matter. all of my other classes are fine but this one has been probably the worst, most emotionally devastating class i’ve ever taken

i don’t even get to write about a topic i want. i was forced to write about the play i was in, instead of Monty Python like i wanted (it’s a fucking comedy class!!!!!) the play is about SCHOOL SHOOTINGS (we won some national awards teehee it’s an outstanding play). yes it’s a “black comedy” but not really? it’s a drama with comedic moments? and i KNOW THIS cause i’ve been studying comedy with this professor for like three cumulative years at this point. i’m struggling beacuse there’s zero research, zero information, and has to be over 20 pages long??? like fuck? i’m so fucked

anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk. i’ve been wanting to make a vent post for like weeks but i haven’t had the time or energy and , i really needed to just....get this out. i feel a little better having all the words down. there’s still so much else going wrong in my life that i could talk about, all the car troubles, my other classes, dorm shit, but, it doesn’t matter in the light of these issues. i can get through this. i just gotta keep fighting. 

oh and if anyones like, worried, i’m not suicidal, i’m not going to do that, there’s no chance of that hpapening. i’m in a very bad place but i’m never gonig back there if i can fucking help it

[joo-heo-n]

Trust Me, I Know

Genre: Angst

Member: Kihyun

Word Count: 2,024

a/n: It’s been a while, and I have been writing a few things here and there but I don’t feel like some of those are good enough so please be patient as I figure out what to write about :) Enjoy!

“You can’t go” you said sternly from Kihyun’s doorway as he put his shoes on. He smirked your way, “Why?” he asked and you scoffed, “Because she’s mean! And thoughtless, and you shouldn’t date her at all” you explained as if it were obvious. Kihyun chuckled and tied his shoelaces, “Are you jealous, Y/N?” he then asked with a grin, making you gape at him.

“W-What? No- why wou- no! You’re missing my point!” you protested, flailing your hands as if doing so would make the misunderstanding clear. “What she wants isn’t what you want and you’re gonna get hurt and I don’t wanna see you torn up and sobbing in the living room” you said, letting out a huff as you sat on the floor before him and tied his other shoelace.

Kihyun smiled softly at you and hummed, “What if you’re wrong?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. You furrowed your eyebrows in annoyance and sighed, “No, she’s not good enough for you to take out. Trust me, I know” you stated and finished off, rising to your feet soon after.

“She just isn’t good enough, but go ahead and see it for yourself, just don’t come crying to me when she turns out to be a total self-interested bitch” you said and suddenly heard him chuckling as he stood up to hug you. “As long as you’re here to help me pick up the pieces of my pathetic self, then everything will be fine” he said, pecking your head and heading out.

Leaving you with a smirk you couldn’t hold back because you knew he was right, so you went out and bought liquor, enough tissue paper, and waited patiently for your best friend to return from his date. Self-esteem crumbled like a useless paper and feelings stomped all over by someone who didn’t know his worth as well as you did.

_______________________________

6 Months Later

You had been there for his ups and downs, and it was mutual. But never in his time knowing you, was he so sure of how unworthy your new lover was of you. His gut just told him, but for some reason, you weren’t listening this time around. He’d scream it if he had to, but you wouldn’t listen, and maybe he shouldn’t lose his voice trying to make it happen.

His last relationship had been five months ago, which had been when you had started your own. His relationship resulted in a failure and he had made the most of the liquor you had bought the night he had broken up with his ex. He hadn’t been as heart broken as you had thought he would be, but it had been a good enough blow to set him off balance and make him stray away from dating for several weeks. Despite all that, you had seemed to have found yourself in the exact same position as him several months ago. You were now over-invested and in over your head in your current relationship. It was as if it were deja vu, and the same thing that had played out for him before, was now playing out for you.

Worth. He had gone over the whole issue several times and it all went back to worth. Your boyfriend didn’t value you like you needed to be valued, and you couldn’t see it because you were too into him and too used to his abuse.

“He doesn’t deserve you, he isn’t good enough” he said, reminding you of the time he himself was made a fool by his ex-girlfriend and you had told him the exact same thing. All you had done was stare blankly at your lap as you sat cross legged at the edge of his bed. He paced the room and tried picking his words as best as he could, but the sight of your worn out expression infuriated him. He was angry that it had gotten to the point where your boyfriend had just sucked you dry and you were as bendable and vulnerable as he wanted you to be. He had dominated you and you were his slave, and that infuriated Kihyun so much, the feeling in the pit of his stomach made him want to leave right in that moment to find him.

He wasn’t angry at you, he was angry at the situation and at your boyfriend, but he was the most baffled about the fact that you had let it get this far. You weren’t one to put up with guys like this in your life, but for some reason, this guy got really under your skin and had manipulated you enough to abandon your confidence and strength to stand up for yourself. Early on, there had been signs, but Kihyun thought he might have been just looking too much into it, and he was going to give you space and let you bring it up to him. But it just never happened, and that made him angrier because he hadn’t stopped you.

___________________________

One Month Later

Again, here you were curled up at the edge of your bed, tears streaming across the bridge of your nose as Kihyun watched you. “Why haven’t you left him yet? This has honestly been the worst decision you’ve ever made” he started calmly, “Just a month ago we had this conversation and that could have been the end of it- why did you make up with him?” he asked, sitting by your feet as you shrugged. It was as if something in you had changed, because you were crying but your expression was blank.

“Y/N, I know you, and you aren’t even acting like yourself- this guy needs to go, he’s taken it too far” he tried once again, keeping his tone level but sincere enough to convey his anger. You sniffled a little and wiped away the wetness on your face, sitting up and taking a deep breath before exhaling. “You keep saying this like it’s so easy…” you nearly mumbled, switching to lay on your other side as Kihyun scoffed, “Don’t you remember I was the same way as you? You told me a lot to not go to my ex and I still did, but I learned my lesson, I’m trying to help you” he concluded.

“Well I understand now it’s easier said than done” you admitted softly, curling up once again. Kihyun sighed, “He is so unworthy of you, you have no idea… you need someone who knows you have more to offer” he stated in annoyance as he shook his head. Why couldn’t you understand that?

“He hates you, you know” you confessed, and Kihyun chuckled, “Obviously, I’m trying to get you to leave him, and you probably go and tell him everything I tell you” he said, feeling more and more the need to look for the guy and beat him until all his pent up rage was gone. “He says you’re probably just jealous of him, because I’m not with you all the time” you added, no humor in your words, but it sounded completely hilarious to him. “And you believe him? You know me, right? I give you space because we’re friends, if I ever had feelings for you I would have already told you” he admitted and he meant it. Loving you was one thing, but being in love with you was another. Of course he cared about you, because you cared about him too, and that had been a thing for years now. He always kept himself in check, and now more than ever he was worried for you, but definitely not jealous because he liked you.

“He doesn’t respect you at all, he doesn’t even let you think on your own! Y/N, look for someone else that understands you and cares about you, not someone who wants you as a puppet” Kihyun commented, already having repeated the same things in many different ways, because at this point he couldn’t figure out anything else to say that was more obvious than what he had already mentioned.

Suddenly you scoffed and he caught you rolling your eyes, “Oh, someone like you, you mean?” you spat and he stared at you in surprise, “What? Have you not heard anything that I’ve said over the last twenty minutes?” he retorted and you sat up. “I did- and all you keep describing sounds like you- like you want to be my center of attention- like you are that oh so worthy guy out there that just gets me right? That deserves me”

“No, don’t make this about me, this is about you and how you’re letting him take advantage of you and you just deserve so much better- someone who treats you right because you’re worth so much more than a quick fuck and calls whenever he feels like seeing you” he countered, his voice raising a bit and revealing his irritation at the sudden thickness of your skull.

“You just keep saying the same damn thing over and over” you said in defeat, your voice cracking at the end of the sentence.

“Oh my god, but why does it feel like you can’t just see it? I know you aren’t this stupid, so why do you keep acting like you are?” he spat, standing up and raising his arms in question because it just didn’t fit in his head how you could turn on him this way.

“Fuck you, Kihyun” you shot back venomously, coming to sit up, clearly worked up by what he had said.

“Y/N, no- I didn’t mean that, but you’re seriously cornering me here and I just don’t know what else to do to make you realize this situation is fucked up” he explained, feeling his heart race as you began to stand up and shake your head, your eyebrows knitting hard as you bit back tears.

“No fuck you, Kihyun, because you know what, I never shamed you for making stupid decisions, I told you you were wrong and supported you anyway, but you- you’re just an asshole- you just like saying I told you so’s and rubbing it in my face that you were right. Look at you claiming my worth and saying I deserve better, but you out of all people are treating me like shit the most” you said, your voice shaky but determined with many feelings that were now in the open and fighting away at the wrong battle.

“Get out” you nearly growled, pointing at your bedroom door, but he wouldn’t budge. “No” he said menacingly and you made your way to him and pushed him, “Leave!” you shouted but he refused to move. You shoved and pushed at his chest as he fought your force and tried blocking every blow you gave. “Leave me alone!” you continued to shout, but every time more and more tears streamed down your face and eventually Kihyun had taken your wrists and had backed you up against the nearest wall, pinning you between it and him.

You no longer fought his grip and only sobbed as he held your wrists at either side of your head, his face buried in the crook of your neck as he panted and pressed his weight against you. He waited until he could tell you were no longer going to hit him, letting you go slowly and stepping away to have you collapse onto the floor. He followed your figure and sat beside you, stretching out his legs so you were sitting between them and he could bring you into his chest.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, caressing the back of your head and keeping his arm around you tightly. “I’m not letting you go back to him, even if it means I have to keep the both of us locked in this room” he said through a light chuckle. You weren’t going to admit how grateful you were, and you didn’t have to, because he already knew. Your worth was just one of the few things he knew about you, and he knew you’d thank him later for this.

[old1ddude]

Living With Pink

Since @seasurfacefullofclouds did a lovely review on ‘Harry Styles’ (post) after living with it for more than a year - I felt inspired to write up my own observations and opinions.  

For the sake of brevity and the fact that it seems to irritate certain haters - I will refer to Harry’s album as “PINK” throughout.

Melody!  There are ten good, fully developed melodies in an era where a four note hook combined with a bass loop is thought to constitute a song.  Really, there are more than ten, Sign of the Times has three distinct melodies, seamlessly woven together.  (On an intellectual level, I understand that some people don’t think melody is the most important element of music.  On a gut level, I just don’t get it.  Melody is it for me.)  I’ve listened to PINK straight through hundreds of times.  The  beauty and quality present in every song, nearly every moment never fails to impress.  I’ve never really been an album guy, because, even among my favorite artists, at least half of the songs seem there just to take up space.  (I used to make mix tapes, back in the day.)  With PINK, I feel that every song has real merit and is fully worthy of it’s place.    Harry’s voice (which I have always really loved - even X-Factor era) and vocal technique have reached a superlative level.  I think Harry is at absolutely peak performance, and it’s a beautiful thing to behold.  The instrumentation and arrangements are breathtaking.  Even the angry Kiwi has deep beauty and avoids shrill, unpleasant sounds, often found in hard rock.  For those who are willing to look below the surface, PINK’s honesty, vulnerability and frankness are noteworthy.  I feel that Harry is speaking directly to me and the album is providing a window into his soul - into his humanity.  PINK grapples with internal conflicts omnipresent in the human condition, good and evil, love and hate, selfishness and sacrifice.  I am very confident that PINK will sound just as good 20, or 30 years from now - it won’t ever become stale, or sound dated.  Some wished for a more cohesive album, but for me, the variety makes it really hard to grow bored of PINK.  I was infatuated with the album from the start.  As time goes on, my love for it only deepens.

This ended up getting pretty long - track by track under the cut.

Meet Me in the Hallway was a bit dreary to me at first.  Now I find myself absorbed in it.  The aching and longing, the vulnerability, the pain - it all feels so close, honest and real.  The repetition of  “gotta get better” is slightly irritating to my ear - for that reason, I will occasionally skip the track.  I do wonder, however, if that irritation was intentional - meant to provoke some unease in the listener.  The guitar part on this song is achingly beautiful, as is Harry’s voice.

Sign of the Times is a masterpiece by any measure.  Sea pointed out how difficult it is to sing this song in a way to do it any justice.  Precious few artists could pull it off.  Every time I hear it, the song transports me - it lifts me out of myself.  The rich, full sound and deft combination of three distinct melodies is no small feat.  Guitar slides, strings, gospel choirs - it could so easily be overblown, or too grandiose, but it strike the perfect balance.  The song moves at a stately sixty beats per minute.  I would imagine this is very close to Harry’s resting heart rate.  There is nothing rushed - every moment is given it’s full due.  Also, I am of the old fashioned belief that art should be beautiful.  Every second of SotT is achingly beautiful and I love it.

Carolina is great fun and incredibly clever.  May artists try to be “edgy,” or “cool” by referencing drugs.  Carolina recreates in music what I imagine it would feel like to be high on coke.  (I’ve been around people who were jacked up before.)  The manic “la la la la la la la la’s,” the fuzzy sensation, “she feels so good!”  If you listen carefully, Harry sings it as if he is in a slight haze - king of nuance, as always.  The metaphor is nothing short of brilliant - “get’s into parties without invitation” -  “she feels so good.”  Layers of sound, particularly on the second verse, are extraordinary.  This song gives you the same kind of sugar rush a hit pop song can deliver, but backs it up with plenty of vitamins and protein, so you don’t get that “sugar low” and grow tired of it.  

Two Ghosts has some of the most compelling word images - “Fridge light washes this room white,” for one.  It’s a deceptively simple, easy to sing song, but a lot of artist would turn out a boring rendition.  The album version is lovely, but the performance he did, just Harry and his guitar, was breathtaking.  Once again, we have deep vulnerability and profound honesty.  I do wish he had done the vocal “ooo’s” on the album version.  We’ve all seen how hyper aware Harry is of his surroundings.  He stared right at the camera trying to snag a sneaky snap.  He spots people, way up in the nosebleed seats, trying to leave early and gently chastises them.  He’s too finely tuned of an instrument to handle fireworks easily.  I believe he is much more aware of all his senses than the average person.  Touch, taste, sight, sound - he sculpts and paints with his music.

Sweet Creature is a song I will often skip back and repeat as once through just isn’t enough.  It’s not a sugary, or fairy tale version of love, but honest, vulnerable, real.  “Runnin through the garden, oh when nothing bothered us,” paints such a beautiful picture.  “Sweet Creature” is such and odd phrase and yet conveys such warmth and deep connection for Louis another person.  Harry’s voice brings an incredible warmth to this song - a warmth utterly unique to his quite distinctive voice.  Again, it takes great artistry to impart such feeling on a relatively simple song, like this.  The guitar part is certainly inspired by the Beatles’ Blackbird, but any similarity ends there, in my opinion.  For my ear, Sweet Creature is a better song - it moves me in a way Blackbird never could.

Only Angel sets up a beautiful dichotomy.  The angelic, SotT inspired, into and outro envelop the hard rock interior.  The contrast intentionally reinforces the song’s story.  Harry’s voice doesn’t quite have the anger, or hardness one might expect at on a first listen - the warmth in his voice was very intentional.  The angel (which is Harry himself) is also a devil between the sheets.  Mother (authority figure) doesn’t approve of how the angel presents “herself.”  Harry loves attention and the stage, but hates fame.  He’s good and kind, but also has a dirty side.  (I could go on and on, but I’ve  written on my OA interpretation extensively, ages ago.)  A plus for using a flawed angel as a metaphor for himself - brilliant.  The melody is catchy as hell - it’s a “bop” and great fun to hear, but there’s so much meat it’s almost ridiculous.  The sound is rich and beautiful throughout and I love that he brings back the angelic sound to close it out.

Kiwi has so little movement in the melody, yet it works beautifully - somehow, it’s still a great melody and hard to get out of your head.  The instrumentation is angry and hard, yet rich, full and pleasant to the ear.  Harry’s voice has just the right amount of anger and derision.  “She” is Simon Cowell.  She tempts the boys with fame and fortune, but she’s hollow inside.  It’s an angry song, but it feels so good, joyful even, to hear it.  Harry’s stage performance reveals how cathartic it is to finally tell Simon what he thinks of him - in front of a massive audience.  I love Kiwi so much, I’ve made the most raucous chorus into a ringtone on my phone.  “Oh I think she said, “I’m having your baby” [heyyyy] “it’s none of your business” [hoooo......]  Harry has such a great, raspy rock voice - it really isn’t fair.

Ever Since New York sounds like some combination of Bruce Springsteen and the Statler Brothers.  The accompaniment is beautiful and rich with a really great, solid melody.  Harry’s vocalization suggests someone who is TIRED and DONE with the situation.  “Tell me something, tell me something new.  Don’t know nothing, just pretend you do...” is sung as a plea - a plea devoid of any hope of being answered.  Harry is vulnerable, broken and through putting up a front, or playing games.

Woman has been compared to Elton John’s Bennie and the Jets a lot - way too much, in my opinion.  There are similarities in the structure of the song, but Woman has a completely different sound.  I like a lot of John’s music, but when he sings “B-B-B-Bennie” he squeaks like a rusty hinge.  Harry sings “W-W-W-Woman” in a different key and melody (and with a deep, pleasant vocal.)  “Selfish I know...”  It’s one of the best jealousy songs I’ve ever heard.  He knows he’s selfish - knows it’s wrong, but can’t help his feelings.  I love Harry’s unflinching look at the darker side of human nature and wholly realistic view of his own failings.  Woman has a very good melody and those little “la-la la-la la-la la-la’s” give it just the zest in needs.

From the Dining Table might just be too honest.  While the artistry was immediately apparent, I was a little slow to warm up to this song, because it’s a bit depressing.  He sings about masturbating as a distraction to his pain and loneliness (and some said the album wasn’t honest enough!)  This song is pure vulnerability.  It’s arranged with such simplicity and great restraint.  (Harry understands the beauty of restraint, you can hear it in If I Could Fly.)  This is another song which must be sung with great artistry, to prevent it being dull.  The addition of strings and lovely female harmonies (”maybe one day you’ll call me...”) is a master stroke.  I am perplexed as to why he didn’t have Sarah and Clair sing the harmonies on tour.  Beautiful, beautiful song, but it is still a bit depressing - as it was meant to be.  Harry loves angst and drama.

Speaking of restraint, Harry has a habit of doing just enough, but never too much (nuance again.)  He changes vocal inflection and flavor with ease, but never adds gratuitous vocal embellishment.  Harry is quite capable of singing runs and all sorts of vocal gymnastics, but chooses a simple, restrained beauty.  (Sometimes, less is more.)  He maintains this restrained discipline in the accompaniment, as well.  PINK is a rock album, but also so much more.  In ten, or twenty years it will still sound fresh - and I think more people will realize what a masterpiece it truly is.

[hong-kong-art-man]

The Secret Of A Slashie ‘Accountant-cum-singer-cum-housewife’——Susan Wong Said, “The Dualism Of Taking Life Easy But Looking Up!” 

Feelings are more complicated than words. There are feelings that we do not know how to express in words. Singers help. They help us speak the words which are the beautiful opposite of silence.

We listen to good singers. They release our emotional pain and connect us with their souls. Perhaps, a good singer is also releasing whatever emotion which is going on in his or her life. We breathe, talk and sing together the ‘sung’ losers or ‘unsung’ heroes.

A great singer, throughout the career, provides all the proof that souls can be found in songs. Susan Wong(黃翠珊) is an example. I do not listen to her when I am happy. I listen to her when sadness comes as a ghost. Her unique husky, modulating and assailable voice is a soothing cleanse to detox. Her music informs that I have a place to hide my vulnerabilities.

An ‘audition disc’ is a well-recorded music CD with great details which audiophiles can use to test the hi-fi sound system especially stereo speakers. Some singers in Hong Kong target at this market. The successful male singer is Donald Cheung (張偉文) and the female counterpart is Susan Wong. Susan said, “I would look at myself as an easy-listening jazz singer known for my alto range.”

Wong was born in Hong Kong and immigrated to Australia with her family at the age of seven. Musically talented, she played the piano and later violin. She sang in the choir and won competitions. In 1997, she returned to Hong Kong and became a professional singer by the name of ‘Janelle Wong’.

Susan said, “I worked very hard at that time but things did not turn out as what I expected. ‘Asian financial crisis’ in the 90s hit Hong Kong and entertainment business fell into decline. So, I gave up singing and reformed myself thoroughly to become an accountant.”

I was joking, “Why did you mend your ways?” She laughed, “If things come, they will. Life is simple. Plan a direction but never push too much. Everything later happens for you, not to you. Good things will take care of you at the right time, neither too soon nor too late. When I almost gave up my singing career, I was introduced by a music producer Keith Yip(葉建華) to make an album called ‘Close to You’ in 2002. Perhaps my voice was a little bit different from the rest. I regained my own path bringing me some measure of success. I want to keep on singing but I do not define the levels of success. I just work hard to be productive and play my role responsibly. Gradually, music records became my carpet, despite not being the usual red carpet that the other sparkling pop stars would crowd and walk. I sing for hi-fi fans.”

I asked Susan, “Will you give up your accounting profession one day?” Susan answered, “Never, I enjoy being a ‘slashie’—an accountant, singer, wife and mother. All these multiple side-hustles along the way created a complete Susan Wong.”

I said, “What are your next moves and options?” Susan stared at me mischievously, “Always on the move but do not try to figure out what it may bring. It is inevitable that I will move to the world’s online music streaming platforms such as Spotify for audience development. It is really amazing that I can now have fans from South East Asia, the Middle East and Europe.”

“With the dawning of a bad age caused by the COVID pandemics in 2020 to 21, we all had to handle difficult changes. But, we may revolutionize the clouds into a new reality. I cannot work as much as I should. I am happy, on the other hand, to devote more time for myself and my family. I cook for them and do jogging. ‘Negative-positive’ dualism is what I learnt from my highly uneven career. The idea of small failures haunts the human animal but I think it is designed to help us avoid a bigger trouble. Take life easy but keep looking up—that is the lesson of my life,” said Susan.

Life is a primary chaos of unfortunate things. Yin is the receptive and Yang is the active principle. The balance of two opposites, good and bad, makes sure when we are hungry for less, we will get more.

MLee

Billie Jean – Susan Wong  Acknowledgement  - coverfight  https://youtu.be/WnLANdP8hOA

Don’t Dream It’s Over (MV) – Susan Wong  Acknowledgement – Susan Wong  https://youtu.be/6Uh5r6aTr-w

 ‘Manjusaka’– Susan Wong  Acknowledgment – 4teVEVO   https://youtu.be/nON_ct-9NU4

 ‘Manjusaka’ Interview – Susan Wong  Acknowledgement – The Music Must Go On  https://youtu.be/_CTwBTXihp0

[burberrycanary]

Emotional Bandwidth & Triage (Riverdale 2.04)

Although I quibble with some of the execution, I’m pleasantly surprised that Riverdale is exploring the ripple effects of the downward spirals within Jughead’s life caused by the socioeconomic collapse and gradual disintegration of his family. Because, not only is the show exploring how these changes and traumas are impacting Jughead, the start of season two also shows the cascading impacts on the other people in Jughead’s life, particularly his relationship with Betty.

You may find love in the ruins (but standing in the blast radius still sucks)

Jughead has a troubling pattern of hurting Betty either deliberately or as collateral damage: Jughead lashed out at her during the disastrous birthday in 1.10; lashed out at her again in 1.11 after he learned that Archie and Veronica searched FP's trailer; and hurt her by distancing himself both physically and emotionally in season two. Only one of Jughead’s accumulating omissions and lies this season has been revealed to Betty so far—that he sits with the Serpents for protection—but his dishonesty has hurt Betty and will continue to hurt her.

Lining up all these hurtful instances like this disturbs me.

I remain sympathetic to Jughead as a character because his behaviors are driven by a combination of trauma and legitimately terrible circumstances. Do I wish my aloof weirdo son had fewer problems and behaved better when facing them? As a doting fannish parent, yes, of course. But as a viewer? Not really. The show has dealt Jughead a spectacularly bad hand and, to me, it humanizes Jughead for the almost non-stop terribleness of his life to have created maladaptive behaviors that increase the difficulty he has in making good choices for himself and for his relationships with the people around him. 

That’s not a free pass, but I can empathize with him or talk myself around to empathizing with him, which as a viewer is more important than agreeing with his choices. I wish the pacing for these changes hadn’t been so abrupt and that Jughead’s characterization between seasons 1 and 2 felt more consistent. But those are critiques of the execution rather than the direction of this overall storyline. And I’m still rooting for Bughead because this pattern of behavior is a problem in his relationship with Betty—that needs to be addressed—but it’s not a defining characteristic of their underlying dynamic.

Betty has been a fucking champ so far this season, offering Jughead unconditional support, being mature in how she reacts not only to Toni but also to Jughead's dodgy evasiveness about Toni, as well as supporting her circle of friends. Betty has been put in a series of no-win situations and has made hard choice after hard choice: to stand by Jughead even if it means watching him join a gang, to blackmail Cheryl, to tell Kevin’s father about his self-destructive behavior, to help her sister leave Riverdale—the list goes on. You can have an interesting debate about whether she was right to do any of these things or if she did them in the best way possible. But these are all traumatic choices to face without even touching on the terrifying new layer of learning that she is an object of obsession for a serial killer.

Jughead’s behaviors are impacting Betty, too. Betty’s reactions so far have been calm, understanding and mature, but she’s accumulated a significant amount of hurt over a series of painful interactions. At this point, Betty wants reassurance that she is important to Jughead, especially because right now he's not acting like she's very important to him at all.

I still believe that she is. But his behavior conveys the opposite message.

As far as we know, Betty deliberately didn’t signal that she was in trouble at any point during their communication or interactions, which is an interesting shift in their communication patterns. When she gets Jughead’s disappointing text that evening, she doesn’t clarify how serious the situation she’s facing is or respond at all.

My theory is that Betty wants to have Jughead’s attention and support without having to wave a big red "I'm in trouble" flag at him. The accumulation of hurt she is feeling reinforces this very human desire for reassurance that she’s important to him.

But with Jughead facing so many severe problems, Betty’s lack of clear communication is feeding into negative interactions that could easily escalate into a vicious cycle of poor communication, hurt, loss of trust and accumulating resentment that further reduces and degrades their communication.

The brutal art of triage (don’t worry, ma, I’m only bleeding)

Jughead is drowning: trying to figure out how to survive is consuming most of his emotional and psychological bandwidth. In addition, I think that some part of Jughead has successfully internalized Betty’s consistent pattern of support with the uncharming outcome of starting to take Betty more and more for granted in this period of intense stress. Unfortunately, the taking-Betty-for-granted behaviors and the traumatized-kid-with-trust-and-abandonment-issues behaviors overlap and mutually reinforce each other in fascinating but deeply fucked up ways.

Jughead has demonstrated on multiple occasions intense loyalty and that he values supporting Betty. But my theory is that, as long as Betty appears to be doing more or less okay, Jughead is functionally deprioritizing her in his life for both valid reasons and selfish ones. It’s not that Jughead doesn’t care about Betty or that he cares about himself more than her. But he is in an ugly sort of triage mode and—as far as Jughead knows until he finds the letter—Betty can be put in the “things that are kind of okay” group as compared with the “things that are bleeding out in front of me” group.

But, as severe as Jughead's own problems are right now, I can't imagine him ignoring Betty if she'd given him any sign she was in trouble, let alone in serious danger. I can't believe that Jughead would have made the same choices if she texted him even something as small as, hey I really need to talk to you, after the missed call.

You can’t always get what you want (but friends aren’t chopped liver either)

Jughead wasn't there for Betty. That sucks. But Kevin, one of her closest and oldest friends, was. And I was happy to see that, not just because I'm starved for Kevin/Betty friendship interactions and I’m glad to see them make up after their fight, but also because limiting your support to just your romantic partner is deeply unhealthy and inherently unsustainable.

This is the extension of an important developing pattern of Betty having to turn to her friends rather than Jughead for support. In 2.02 when saving Pop’s came up and Jughead said that he couldn’t take on anything more right now, Betty had to rely on Veronica instead to help organize saving Pop’s. (And, in all fairness, Jughead still shows up to help her work the actual event. He’s reducing the amount of support he provides, not abandoning her.) But Betty’s friends are an important part of her support network, too, and Jughead not always being the person Betty turns to isn’t a bad thing—in the context of an open, healthy, supportive relationship.

This is part of the reason I'm so proud of Betty's reaction to the situation with Toni. She's not trying to stop Jughead from forming relationships outside of their relationship. She is trusting him and letting him be his own person who has an existence separate from her. Jughead’s support network is much weaker than Betty’s and this is part of what makes him so vulnerable right now. Betty’s behavior is amazing and healthy and not as easy as it sounds, especially when you’re that young and still in the early days of an intense relationship.

One vicious cycle feeds another (positive interference is a bitch)

We'll never know what Betty would have told Jughead if he’d picked up. Betty has a pattern of keeping secrets when she thinks she's protecting someone or sparing their feelings, so there’s no guarantee she would have told Jughead everything. My gut feeling is that Betty had an intense initial reflex to reach out for help and wanted the person she got help from to be Jughead. Being tacitly rejected by him hurt and frustrated her at a time when she was already struggling with layers of those same feelings and gave Betty the opportunity to tell herself, Well that's probably for the best, as her own maladaptive communication behavior of keeping secrets kicked in.

As soon as Jughead figures out how serious the situation with Betty is, he goes to talk to her and supports her through the rest of the evening. They snap back to being that rain-bedraggled sleuthing couple we know and love. I’m still not sure that Jughead has connected the dots between Betty calling him and when she would have gotten the letter. Putting the pieces together seems like the sort of thing he would work out in normal circumstances, but a fundamental driver for problems in their relationship is Betty and Jughead both being in persistently high-stress situations with their psychological and emotional bandwidth largely focused elsewhere. None of the characters in this season are being their best selves. What we are watching is how these characters fray and buckle under enormous pressures.

The darwinism of relationships (change or die)

Betty and Jughead are being forced by their circumstances into a more serious, adult relationship than most teenagers and many actual adults. Demands are being placed on them beyond their levels of maturity. And that means we’ll continue to see struggle and failure more often than the handful of breath-taking moments when they’ve stepped up for each other in a big way.

Even lasting relationships wax and wane. People go through phases of being more supportive and more self-involved. That’s natural. The underlying question should be how healthy is the overall relationship, do roles shift between individuals in reasonably balanced ways and how sustainable are the patterns of behavior.

Unpopular opinion time, but if Jughead can’t work through some of his baggage and find a better set of coping mechanisms then they should break up because he’s not at a place in his life where he and Betty can have a healthy relationship.

Right now the patterns of behavior in their relationship aren’t sustainable, which means there’s a clock ticking down to either the dissolution of their relationship or significant change. I hope Betty and Jughead can repair their communication and come out of this conflict stronger. I hope we get the character growth arc instead of the breakup arc. Maybe we’ll get both. But I’m interested to see how the show continues to explore the ways the problems in Jughead’s life create consequences that ripple outward and negatively impact his relationships.

Interested and, yeah okay, maybe a little heartbroken.

[richardbrookcreativewellness]

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Spiritual Stories - Choose Wisely!

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Spiritual Stories – Choose Wisely!

Probably not quite toeing the yogic line on this one, but wow really catching hold lately of how much narrative and stories there are about how the human condition is somehow not good enough and something that needs to be transcended. It’s everywhere in the ‘spiritual’ world but how is this narrative useful? There’s already so many stories from the religious world about how our human state isn’t somehow good enough (and some traits like sexuality and various other human dynamics are frowned upon and guilt inducing), something to seek salvation and forgiveness from so that we can still go to heaven. ‘Father I have sinned…’

And then there is this narrative that comes from some of the yogic and Buddhist traditions (I don’t know if it’s in all) that the spiritual pinnacle is that we are trying to transcend our humanity to end our cycles of suffering (and even being told that life itself is ‘suffering’) and to lead a good and virtuous life (which usually comes with some restrictions and prescriptions for your behaviour, ahem) so that we can ascend and transcend and not have to incarnate again! Is life really THAT bad?

What a narrative for the human experience! That somehow it’s not good enough as it is with the traits and characteristics you have been given.

Blimey, you might only have just gotten here (into incarnated form) and already being told it’s something you need to try and get back out of! I wonder if when we do ‘transcend’ to a different realm if then we then tell ourselves another story that we need to try and come back again to human form? It just seems to be one fear inducing story after another about not accepting who we are!

And regards being told that life is suffering and to restrict certain behaviours and even restrict certain feelings – lets use sexuality and general affection / affectivity as an example. There are constant guilt inducing and judgemental messages from both the religious side of things, and also the spiritual world – some more subtle than others – that somehow you are purer if you have transcended sexuality and reached almost Monk level. Trouble is, what I see is that when people try and subvert our basic human functions, it appears to end up coming out in really deviant and discordant ways anyway, much to the pain and anguish of people involved.

Maybe these stories of transcendence are written by someone way beyond me, more enlightened, who knows. But as I’m getting older I’m more and more inclined to trust my own story, and right now, I know what I’ve got, human life, and intend to live it and love it!

And even if these stories are right, wow, they don’t half have the potential to act as a source of manipulation (even if that isn’t there pathogenic intent.) See people are vulnerable here on planet Earth, and we do look for stories to explain and give meaning to our human experience. In fact, way beyond a point where we might cease to be physically vulnerable we can stay spiritually vulnerable in the sense of trying to work out why we are here and can easily latch onto these tales. And they can easily manipulate people in the sense of feeling they need to constrict their human behaviours in order to somehow be good and move forward in the bigger sense of their lives. (It’s arguably very clever that if you want to mass control people drop these limiting and fear inducing messages into every religious and spiritual paradigm you can find)

For me, even from a Spiritual dynamics perspective I can never get away from the awareness (this is actually how I feel and experience it in my body, in the moment) that yes, some part of me is connected to a much vaster, expansive, sourceful beyond ‘space’, but my word, some part of me is also plugged into the physicality of my human experience and the grounded reality around me. And unless your Chakras are totally blocked, the fact is you have a spine that plugs you into both ends of that spectrum and all possibilities in between!

So how about some of the stories might not be true? How about dropping the fear induced by these stories and learning to trust your own Heart and instincts?

BASICALLY: HOW ABOUT IT’S TIME FOR A NEW STORY?

How about slowing down and enjoying the journey? How about, in this moment, this human state and condition is what you have – so how about learning to lead a skilful life where you embrace EVERYTHING you are right now? And how about using a narrative that heaven can be on earth right now when you do fully embrace your soul, embrace all your human faculties and lead an Ecstatic life? And how about a story that you don’t transcend anything until you fully live through every ounce of your human being? Hmm…

And yes ok – maybe life as a human includes some suffering – but maybe also it includes things that you don’t experience in any other dimension? Maybe it gives you the opportunity for something totally unique – the actual chance to make heaven here on Earth; to take the opportunity to manifest the will of your spirit and soul in form so you can feel it, taste it, touch it and share it so tangibly with others? Yes it’s a challenge, that’s why you are here, not to be in fear but to meet the challenge of your Soul in making a heavenly playground!

So do love that vast, soothing spiritual space above, but oh my, make sure you also love that grounded reality that you plug into around you, and what’s in front and behind too!

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Spiritual Stories - Choose Wisely!

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6th March 2020

Really aware lately of how much narrative there is in the spiritual world about how the human condition is somehow not good enough and needs 'transcending' It’s everywhere in the ‘spiritual’ world but how is this narrative useful? There’s already so many stories from the religious world...

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Path of Division - Words of Wisdom

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7th December 2016

I've often written about how we all have a Dao, or path, which in health we follow and all is good, and how sometimes we stray from it. I had something come through my consciousness about how the separation from our Tao, or natural path occurs, and the stages it happens in and how this fits with a Chinese medicine / acupuncture perspective

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Taoism - Richard's Words of Wisdom

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18th July 2016

Taoism 'We live in a great universal ‘One’. Within that ‘One’ in any given moment you have a place, where in balance your energy meets the world to enable you to be fully whole, to feel at ‘One’. It’s a path of exploration, where our energy will constantly moment to moment lead us and be drawn toward those energies and vibrations which lead to balance and health.

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Connection to Heart & Spirit - Words of Wisdom

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19th July 2015

'The connection with our Heart is our connection with Spirit, it's home, our home, look into the eyes of another and all shall truly be revealed, the lights shall come on and the spirit shall occupy ones body, the truth will be seen and magic will be the norm, faith will become reality and

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Relationships - Words of Wisdom

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19th March 2015

'People don't belong to one another they belong to Great Spirit. Sometimes some things we do following great spirit may make another person, their lower selves and personality constraints uncomfortable, the ego wanting to create separation.

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'Healing' - Words of Wisdom

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19th February 2015

It's not about trying to change you into something else, just make you more of who you really are' 'Energy is constantly, moment to moment, seeking to find balance, to find it's highest potential'

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Dancing - Words of Wisdom

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19th June 2014

Towards the end of a 5Rhythms dance workshop we were asked to write something. Often though after dancing a while, it’s not quite the same as when you normally write something which tends to come more from your ‘head’ or left brain.

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An Ode To Us All...

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10th June 2013

I recently dug this out from my notes from when I was studying Acupuncture. If you suffer with esteem issues or comparison issues with people around you while studying or working in your chosen profession, then I suggest you substitute the word acupuncturist for that of your own profession! I saw so many people I studied with struggling to recognise their own unique qualities. Do what you Love.

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[emilyyhill]

Being sick but not “sick”.

Within a few seconds of walking through my front door, Dad is already aware that I am not in a good way. “Mate, you need to get off this rollercoaster,” he says. “Sick then healthy, sick then healthy.” He’s not entirely wrong. The past month I have been forced to take days off from work with diarrhea, vomiting, a cold, an intense rash and a mental health day. 

Quite frankly, I’m sick of being sick.

Turns out, it’s not a rollercoaster that goes from sick to healthy, but rather symptoms and symptomless. That’s the thing with chronic illnesses – like chronic fatigue, burnout, chronic pain – you are never really “well” or “healthy”. Even on the days when you feel a-okay, things can change. Often within the hour. Because even though you may not have any symptoms today, you are still sick. Your body is w e a k. It’s tired. It’s healing, sure, but it’s vulnerable.

Suddenly you’ve gone from totally fine to covered in a rash that resembles leopard spots. They don’t go away with an antihistamine, and it isn’t something you ate. Your body has had enough, and it’s telling you to stop. NOW.

As someone with a high capacity, it wasn’t until I got really sick that I listened to all the warnings to slow down. That was my fault, I’ll take it. Naïvely, I thought I could take a few weeks off, bounce back and be ready to rock and roll. Maybe with a few more nights at home, but hey, I’m healthy again! Yay!

Until two weeks after I’ve started feeling better, I crash again. I take a few days off work, and start again. I cut out exercise, because maybe that will help relieve the pressure on my body.

Repeat this process five or six times and I’m getting FRUSTRATED. I have kept cutting things out until all that’s left is work. I go to work, I come home. Over and over.

As a social person, this took a big toll on my emotional health – I need people or I go a little bit crazy. So we incorporate a few little things – like Bible Study/Small Group/Connect Group/Gospel Community/Whatever you want to call it. I exercise once a week with a PT. And I go to church on a Sunday morning. Each of these activities takes a big toll physically, but I’m managing.

Until I’m not. On Thursday, I wake up with a roaring sore throat, itchy eyes, and a rash on my skin that I’m convinced is measles or something wild and exotic. I go to the doctor, and get diagnosed with a virus that has found the weakness in my small intestine and is tearing me apart (literally, it’s destroying my cells).

“It’s partly just bad luck Em,” sympathizes my doctor. “Your levels are improving, which is great. Your meningitis [that’s a swollen brain, just by the way.] is gone, and your liver is functioning 3x better than it was. You’re healing.” I wait for the but…. And it comes. “You’re still quite sick Em.”

My heart sinks. And I think my face must have too, as the doctor gently reminds that I need to pull back – from everything, again. “Your body is rebuilding. This doesn’t happen quickly. And it’s tiring for you – you’re building a new body from the inside!”

That struck a chord, and I suddenly have a new appreciation for how hard my body is working without me realizing it. I am building a new body from the inside. No, I’m not pregnant.

Being sick but not “sick” is hard. It hurts to miss out on things, to delay plans for months because you have “limited capacity”. It’s hard to explain to work that you have to do 25 hours even though you could do 40. You feel ridiculous to be at home when you feel perfectly fine.

I think it’s extra hard because I’m naturally an extrovert. I like people, and being stuck in my house for days is really emotionally draining. I’m goal oriented – and right now, my goals feel out of reach because I am unwell. My love language is Acts of Service and Physical Touch – two things you can’t do when your energy is so depleted. So: I have a personality that is not well suited to chronic illness.

I don’t know how long this will go for. I don’t know if I’ll return to having the capacity I once had, or whether this is just me now. That’s hard to accept, but it will be a continual process of trial and error until I get the balance right.

If you are reading this and someone you love is struggling with chronic illness… • Be understanding. Stick by them. Let them know that you’re around if they want to spend time with you, • Be open to the fact that it may watching a movie (and they might fall asleep part way through). • Offer to come to them because driving might be too much right now. • Ask how you can serve them. Cook for them, clean for them, ask if there is something practical that needs to be done. • Talk about things that aren’t their health. • Be gentle. Tell them that you see how hard they are trying, but it’s also totally okay that they have reduced capacity now.

So while I’m a bit MIA, please know that it’s not you. I desperately want to engage again. I’m just building a new body.

All my love, Em x