#which tracks with my social anxiety physically altering the way I learned to perform basic vocalization genetically wired into my species

[wallabywannabe]

Just auditioned for a community choir. Their website sounded a little intimidating, but once I heard the director explain what he was looking for (mostly technical skills) it was pretty clear it was going to be easy to make. And I did. I also sang really well, and I'm reasonably confident my assessment of myself is accurate. Which sounds like a boring self-congratulatory statement, when actually it's pretty monumental for me.

My voice teacher in high school was a very firm believer in some concepts, like "Everyone can sing if they're taught well" and "I'm an incredible voice teacher." At the time I was one of his victories, not because I was the best student he had, but because I was the worst singer he had taught to sing successfully. Which he told me, often.

I was incredibly anxious, full of physical tension in all the wrong places, and hated drawing attention to myself. I also "talk wrong." All of those things still apply, but overcoming them AND overcoming a long period of incredible embarrassment while figuring it out is something I'm genuinely very proud of. It was super emotionally difficult and would have made a lot more sense to give up. But I didn't for some reason.

I think I learned the techniques and tools in high school, but I don't think I've been able to gain mastery or real consistency until recently. It took 15 years of aging to understand myself enough to make singing well easy. I also experimented with musical theater and got some more understanding of the difference between styles. And aging physically also seemed to help my voice "settle."

Now no one knows me or my singing from before, and I can trick people into thinking I'm a good singer with a "lovely voice." It's kind of fun and feels slightly deceitful. Little do they know I have no talent!

[reddyreddy7-blog]

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[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 46, March 2017

On Monday night, I did my first ever Hot Yoga class at Power House Yoga in Berwick. This studio was recommended to me by a few people and I’ve been wanting to try it for a while now but hadn’t been brave enough until now. I was still feeling quite nervous about it with my anxious thoughts being loud as usual (What if I can’t handle the heat? What if I pass out?). But yoga instructors Jenna, Pete and Mel were all welcoming and reassuring as I signed myself in. http://www.powerhouseyoga.com.au/Yo...

The studio room itself was basically like a giant sauna with white wooden floorboards, a wall mounded electric fireplace, large mirrors and black Sanskrit symbols. I decided to set my yoga mat up early to allow myself to adjust to the room temperature (36-38 degrees). I literally felt like I was sun-baking as I laid myself down. It was a really big class with about 20 other students, both male and female. This was definitely something I wasn’t used to.

Tonight’s Yoga Heat class was a fast-paced Vinyasa flow practice which contained poses including Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Cobra, Pigeon pose, Eagle pose, Bridge pose and a Warrior sequence. It was pretty difficult to keep up with the pace at times because I was sweating so much. I had to cover my yoga mat with towels to avoid slipping. It was absolutely saturated in sweat by the end of the class. Despite the heat, I actually felt quite energised and my heart rate was actually increasing.

The meditation was brief but necessary. Pete read us a quote from Deepak Copra about nothing being impossible to achieve in life. I noticed that the air in the room was cooling down and I sighed with relief, thinking “Thank fucking God”. We all sealed our practice with the chant of one ohm together and in that moment, I felt like I was in a Buddhist temple. http://www.womenshealthandfitness.com.au/...

On Tuesday night, I went down to YMCA Casey RACE for my Water Workout class. There were quite a few people in the pool tonight and we were all making waves literally. Our instructor Suzie was really funny and entertaining, giving us over the top demonstrations of what not to do. The tracklist was a mixture of upbeat classics including The Beach Boy’s California Girls, Billy Idol’s Mony Mony and Lesley Gore’s It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to. http://www.caseyrace.ymca.org.au/pa...

In terms of exercises, we did a wide variety of movements including jogging, side-stepping, tuck jumps, kicks, ski slopes, jumping jacks and even push ups against the pool edge. Suzie made it really fun, even splitting us up into groups and making us running up and down the length of the pool. We also used the underwater dumb bells and the noodle for some of the exercises. I feel like I’m gaining more confidence in the water every time I do one of these classes and I’m working my muscles at the same time. http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/work...

On Thursday afternoon, I had my one on one PT session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Narre Warren. This was a really tough day for me mentally as I made the decision to confront my financial issues and take a break from Breakaway Fitness. I had to be honest with myself and with Luke as realistically I can’t afford it right now. I was literally shaking with nervous energy because I really didn’t know how he was going to react. But thankfully it all worked out.

The warm-up exercises involved three rounds of the following: 100 skips, 10 squats, 10 sit ups and 10 push ups. Honestly, I was already struggling to get through this part of the workout but I kept pushing myself through it. The next part was sadly even worse. Mentally, I just wasn’t in the right mindset at all. I had to push a metal plow across a section of grass both ways and also run that distance 10 times. It didn’t take long for me to break.

I was exhausted physically and emotionally even before I hit round 5. It didn’t help that I was overthinking a lot of shit. I just knew that I wasn’t doing my best today and it really upset me. After I finished the 10 rounds, I sat down on the bench with my head in my hands. I was done. In the moment, I felt like I’d failed and that I’d let Luke down. I broke down emotionally and opened up about my financial issues.

I feel so embarrassed with how much debt I’ve put myself in but I’m starting to make pro-active steps to turn it all around. The one thing that I wanted to achieve out of today is making sure that the door remains open for me to return to Breakaway Fitness when I’m financially ready to. I’m glad that Luke understands my situation and hopefully the last two sessions will be much better than today’s one. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Friday morning, I attended the Morning Melodies function at Waltzing Matilda Hotel in Springvale. Mum and I were running late but unfortunately we weren’t really missing much. Today’s entertainer was Davey D who did a tribute to Frank Sinatra. He was dressed in a light grey suit and rocked a black afro hairstyle. He played many Sinatra classics on his acoustic guitar including My Blue Heaven, I’ve Got You Under My Skin, Jack Knife, My Way, Come Fly With Me, Learning the Blues and New York, New York.

Whilst he played and sung the songs pretty decently, he didn’t have the on-stage charisma or the personality to hold the interest of the audience. Most people were clearly looking bored and ready to doze off throughout the performance. On the menu today was a cream of broccoli soup, a roast lamb with seasoned vegetables and a pavlova with cream and passionfruit sauce. https://www.waltzingmatildahotel.com.au/...

On Friday afternoon, I attended my Body Pump class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It was a packed class today which was something I’m usually not used to and I found myself up at the back of the class. Our instructor Nat was really hilarious as always. She decided to alter the tracklist and replaced most of the tracks with Pink songs including I’m Not Dead, Blow Me One Last Kiss and Try.

During the workout, I was actually feeling good about myself. Something clicked inside my brain and I was finally getting the movements including the single rows, clean & press and overhead lifts. I was a little shaky at times during the bench press parts but I had a couple of people near me to follow along with. The single leg lunges and push ups were easily the hardest parts of the workout. I could definitely feel the burn big time. But I walked away from the class feeling great and that I smashed it which was a huge contrast to yesterday’s session. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Friday night, I went along to the Wine and Cheese members evening at Now, Yoga. in Narre Warren South. The usual nerves and social anxiety kicked in when I walked into the studio but slowly these feelings began to dissipate. There was a huge spread on the tables including cheese, crackers, nuts, cupcakes, sushi rolls, salad wraps and sandwiches. For some reason, I always have this unspoken obligation to eat food at social functions even though I’m trying hard to cut back and lose weight.

I started slowly mingling though it was really difficult seeing as though I didn’t know many people there besides the yoga teachers and a couple of students I’ve seen around. But naturally things evolved and I started making conversation. I stayed until the end of the speeches and after the raffle was drawn.

Studio owner Tony gave a heartfelt speech about the history of the studio, the burdens that the business faced and the recent triumphs and successes. In the last few months, the studio has truly flourished and grown both as a physical space and as a community of people. The renovations have really improved the space greatly from a leaf green feature wall to a large mural of a tree with an inspirational quote. I really enjoy attending classes there and I will continue to do so in the future. http://nowyoga.net.au/

“But there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide. We hold on so tight, we cannot deny. Eats us alive, oh it eats us alive. Yes, there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide. We hold on so tight, but I don’t wanna die, no. I don’t wanna die.” Sia - Bird Set Free (2016)

“All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town. I’ll do it ‘til the sun goes down and all through the night time. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’ll tell you what you wanna hear. Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear. It’s never the right time.” Sia - Unstoppable  (2016)