#which this does by my standards. BUT also learning to let go of perfectionism in sketching so its okay if it sucks 👍

[elkkiel]

day 1 of relearning sketching/literally basic traditional drawing skills, here's a wonky little II for u

side note: I'm a lil tipsy (we are hanging out in the backyard around the fire pit tonight!) so my hands are extra clumsy lol, bear with me I just thought his not-quite-correctness was a lil cute pls be kind I am so so out of practice :')

[autisticlifelessons]

Autistic Tips for Dealing with Constructive Criticism

Criticism is what helps us improve, but that doesn't mean it's easy for an autistic person to deal with. It has always been something I've struggled with, even if it's constructive and put in the nicest way possible. I get intense feelings of shame, sadness, even anger. I don't often experience meltdowns or shutdowns, but criticism is definitely a trigger for me. However, over time I have learned some strategies for dealing with it, so here are my top tips.

Where possible, give people the heads up criticism is something that is hard for you to take - if you know you take things really literally or if even the slightest criticism is going to put you in a poor frame of mind for the rest of the day, letting relevant people know about this can be enough for them to be a bit more mindful about what they say to you and when they say it. Communication really is key, folks (there can be big pay offs from putting up with some initial discomfort and awkwardness).

2. Talk through things with someone objective to the situation - if you are able to, get someone who cares about you (like a friend or family member) to go over the criticism with you. It gives you a chance to share you feelings and having someone more objective to the situation can help you identify what actions you need to take, as if you are feeling upset you aren't going to be at your most rational.

3. Give it time - don't set yourself up for more feelings of failure by expecting to make drastic improvements overnight. This is not realistic and puts you under a lot of pressure, which is almost never the intention of the person giving you the criticism. They should support you to identify small steps you can take, and to review this periodically to monitor progress and make any adjustments.

4. Ask for accommodations - if the criticism you have received is directly related to your autistic traits, that could be a sign for you to ask for reasonable adjustments to be made to help you. For example, if your boss has put in your performance review that they want you to speak more during meetings, but this is something you struggle with, that could be an ideal time to disclose your autism diagnosis if you haven't already. This is not always possible (there are pros and cons to disclosing), but it gives you the opportunity to suggest solutions, such as having the agenda ahead of time you so can write down your thoughts before the meeting takes place, or request that you have time to think about what you want to say. It's scary, but it can make a huge difference to how comfortable you feel.

5. Maintain perspective - If you are feeling angry or upset, now is NOT the time to start taking action. I once stayed up to 3am tinkering with a lesson plan because my mentor wanted to see certain improvements. I met the required standard but I was exhausted and disillusioned and my confidence was in tatters. I also tend to see things in extremes, which coupled with perfectionism means I often need a second opinion to ensure I have a rational response to something. Communicating how you are feeling with the person who gave the criticism gives them a chance to rectify what they said and clarify their meaning, as the chances are they did not intend to make you feel so awful (obviously in cases where they are being totally unreasonable or you are the target of bullying, this does not apply, and instead you would need to find someone to raise it with).

I am very, very aware that for many reasons, these tips may not be appropriate for you. However, I really hope that you can find something that will help you regulate yourself the next time you receive some constructive criticism. I learned too late that the purpose of constructive criticism is to help you improve, not make you feel like a failure and send you into extreme emotional distress. Remember that we are always learning - it is perfectly ok to make mistakes, to not know something or to need help. Remember too that if you are neurodivergent, you are already dealing with additional challenges to what a neurotypical person faces, but you also have many strengths and unique contributions to make. You got this!

Follow me for more!

[andro-studiesmed]

The Idea of productivity and perfectionism - From the view of a mentally sick individual.

Let's see what productivity means?

According to google this is what productivity means—

the state or quality of being productive.

"the long-term productivity of land"

the effectiveness of productive effort, especially in industry, as measured in terms of the rate of output per unit of input.

And now let's see what perfectionism means—

refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

–PHILOSOPHY

a doctrine holding that perfection is attainable, especially the theory that human moral or spiritual perfection should be or has been attained.

The present day productivity is highly tied with perfectionism. That everyday has to look a certain way— which is often "high productivity"— where a single person has atleast 4-5 things going and to be able to perform them best of ability it can be performed to and have a functional life apart from all that.

The cumulative affect of such a routine is often getting tired out, or getting bored. For it to be a sustainable effort in a particular direction for an extended period of time— instead of treating everyday as something that needs to be perfectly done— treat it as a smaller unit of a bigger set and select your goals in such a way that they don't overpower your entire day.

My personal thumb rule is— three goals per day and no more and getting them done to whatever degree I can get them done. Some days I have performed spectacularly where they are close to perfection, some days they simply look mediocre and most days look like I barely scraped by.

Those goals are selected on the basis of their priority and anything that needed to be done urgently besides those three— was accommodated accordingly.

Most days I can only do two of those goals and do the third one half baked.

On most days I leave a very small portion and complete it the next day instead.

The biggest mistake I ever made was to try and function like a person with healthy mind and brain. The fact that I forced myself to set goals and try to attain them— the goals that a normal functioning person would achieve with a little more than average effort and still have a functional life— and then shamed and Punished myself for not being able to keep consistent to it or be able to achieve them. I used to be especially cruel to myself.

It did not work for me— I was getting burnt out. I was crying every few days ( say every two days ) and I would have consistent breakdowns. It would feel like my mind refused to listen and resisted everything I did to the worst degree it could.

That is why I do not believe in productivity and try to avoid perfectionism ( I am still a perfectionist, that tendency never goes away truly— one just needs to learn to keep that tendency at bay as much as one can )

I also have severe executive dysfunction— that means I can't bring myself to get anything done even if I want to do it— so on days when I need to accomplish something— I have trained myself to not think when I don't get the mundane and menial things done— one example is showering, another is taking care of my appearance, another is combing my hair, aside from grooming it also includes interactions with others, eating ( which is unhealthy so I have things in place to remind me to eat ) etc.

To admit this out loud is still shameful for me but one has to start somewhere to forgive oneself and accept their own limitations and deviate from what is expected out of them and to do things their own way— funnily enough after all these years I have realised that as long as the thing gets done, it doesn't matter what method or way was applied to get it done.

Routine wears me downs and so does having to force myself to concentrate ( being able to focus is something that is never going to be easy and I have come to accept it as something that's bound to happen to me and something I will forever struggle with ). How I manage that is perhaps for another days.

This is all for this one I suppose.

One last thing perhaps that I had to learn—

Take life in leisure. Avoid fretting because it does no good. Do what you can do to the best of your ability— your ability— not according to the best of other people's ability.

[winxsource]

Under the cut @faytalepsy​ tells us everything about how artistic process, juggling writing and drawing and her predictions for season 2! 

If you’ve had the pleasure of meeting Fay, then you may already be familiar with the term “polymath”, even if you don’t know it. This term, coined in 1603 by Johann von Wowern, describes a person who is talented in many manners and fields of study. /*

I, for one, think that Faytalepsy - who’s a fanfic writer, digital artist, traditional artist, singer, actress and a biology major, among many other things - definitely qualifies for the title. 

We have our interview on Thursday morning, after trying and failing to set up a meeting twice before because her schedule is beyond filled. Nevertheless, despite the hectic procedure that is setting up this meeting, Fay’s the type of person to put everyone at ease. So, despite our lack of familiarity, I feel myself slumping on my chair and relaxing as I hear her narrate the shenanigans happening in her current play - which is a romantic comedy that would be opening that weekend.

It’s listening to her mellow voice and calm personality that I ask her how long she’s been in fandom overall and, to my surprise, I come to learn she’s much younger than the way she sounds. She’s just starting college after a gap year and she’s been in fandom, actively, for something like seven or nine years, qualifying her as a creator who grew up in the internet, submitted to its critical eye from a young age. 

Anyone who has put forward work to be reviewed by strangers online will know how nerve wrecking it is and yet, she tells me she’s entirely self-taught. Never took a single drawing course, definitely not one for writing either. No, Fay’s unbothered by the external criticism, because she’s a perfectionist and an overachiever. Art classes used to piss her off, because all they did were collages and she wanted to do more.

It’s this desire to see more and beyond that got her started into fanarts in the first place, she tells me. “I’ve always loved to draw, but I wasn’t really good at it, since I only did it in my free time. Being engaged with fandom forced me to practice more, because I wanted to draw the scenes I envisioned, but didn’t have the skillset for it yet. So I practiced and I practiced.” 

I tease her about her type A personality and she doesn’t seem bashful or even shies away. Instead, Fay owns it up with pride, a true overachiever who tells me, “I’m definitely a perfectionist, but I don’t want to hold myself to ‘perfection' standards anymore, I want to have fun. A few years ago I was nearly mortified whenever I started something new, because I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it and then would become discouraged, but now I’ve grown and I've embraced having it be just ‘fun’ and not as perfect. I try loads of things and I will continue to do that, because you find a lot of things you enjoy and are good at, if you try a lot of things.” 

Of course, this isn’t always easy and perfectionism still creeps up here and there. Her writing being the biggest point of contention. 

“I have lots of unfinished works, such as the next chapter of “Sweet Nectar Of Life”, because I can’t post it like this. It isn’t perfect!”

This brings me to our next topic, a question sent in by not only @septemberrie​, but also @lizzabet​. With so many WIPs and different endeavors, how does she manage her time? How does she juggle so many works in progress?

She pauses, weighing the question carefully before explaining, “a year back I didn’t have a good balance. I wrote whenever I wanted to write, only drew when inspiration hit and then I’d go weeks without one or the other. Now I try to actively change that by sketching everyday for 5 or 20 minutes. I don’t want to have too much time pass between publishing new fic and releasing new art, I want to keep a steady progress. If you let weeks pass before you look at your art again, then it’s easy to feel demotivated, because when you come back, you’ll find a bunch of mistakes. So now I really don’t allow myself so much time in between those.”

With such discipline and so many projects, I ask her how she decides to make the leap and upgrade a concept from mere “idea” to “work in progress”?

“Oh, I just write whatever I want to write,” it's her easy answer, “Sometimes one gets neglected for the other, but that's alright. I have a folder for all my works and every once in a while, I switch the documents around, so I can visually see what I have to work on next. Still, even then, it depends on inspiration. For example, some of my multi chapters were never meant to be multi chapters, they just spiraled into it.”

And how’s your writing process?  

“It depends. Usually I have an idea, in Yield I just knew I wanted to write something about them sparring. Then when I have some down time I try to think about how to link the scenes and how they develop. Sometimes I write down the first scene that popped to mind and then later I come back and link the scenes together. Sometimes I have a plan, for example in my multi chapter fics, I always knew what I wanted to happen. I’d write down the topics, like “nightmare”, and then write the scene from that. The writing process itself is a little chaotic. I do always try to have one chapter be at least 1,5k words, because I think it’s the necessary amount to develop the plot. My optimal word count per chapter is between 2k and 3k.”

Her writing process is very clear cut, incredibly methodical. I ask her if her approach to the characters is equally ruled, if she tries to write them to follow canon or if she allows herself to steer away from canon, in the name of fanon and entertainment. 

I can almost hear her shrugging, as she answers, “I don’t think anyone has the 100% true to canon grasp of the characters. I try to do my take of them, which while close to canon, can move away if the situation asks for it. For example in Checking The Inventory, where Farah and Saul make out in the closet, I don’t think it would happen in canon, but I was willing to do it in my own writing. Regardless, one thing I enjoy about Fate’s loose writing is that it gives us a lot of freedom to play with.”

And how does Faytalepsy interpret Farah and Saul in canon, how does she envision their relationship? 

“I don’t think that in canon they’re romantically involved, they wouldn’t dare to take that step. However, they clearly both care about each other, because they went through so much, and both have this desire to be more than a friendship. They have roles to fulfill and responsibilities, so they’d be waiting for the right moment and this moment never comes,” she pauses then and I ask about inspirations, which seems to tip Fay to continue on her previous answer as she stitches the ending, “I’m not sure how my interpretation of their personalities came to be, but probably through reading other people’s fanfics and chatting about it.” 

Because all art is referential, a constant taking and picking from other, never ending telephone game. Nevertheless, even in this eternal game of telephone that is producing content, especially transformative works such as fanfic and fanarts, you can see a person’s personality shine through. In Fay’s case, her fanfics are lyrical, emotionally loaded and incredibly immersive. Fay’s works will suck you in a character’s head space and you’ll come out dizzy with her beautiful descriptions and her ability to put a character under the microscope. Her fanarts are filled with color, dramatic lighting – look no further than this drawing of silrah in a dramatic sunset – and very sensual, showcased by the many many drawings of Saul almost worshiping at Farah’s altar — such as here.

Her drawing and painting inspirations are diverse, a mismatch between indie instagram artists and the grand masters, because she really loves walking through museums. Nevertheless, if she had to pick one piece, it would be Van Gogh’s Starry Night. 

Always the overachiever, though, she has projects still waiting for the perfect moment to happen, the perfect “skill set” as Fay herself puts it. One example being a painting of Saul in his cell after he’s captured, with Farah’s ghost appearing in the cut outs of the moonlight, which leaks in through the bars before him. 

What about her expectations for season 2? Or even, the hanging conflict between Andreas and Saul? 

Her answer, very much as her art, is dramatic: 

“I want to see Sky kill Andreas and ultimately choose Saul as his father. In fact, I want to see Sky killing Andreas more than Saul killing Andreas. I wonder if all those years in isolation made Andreas a little crazy… I want to see Saul struggle with what Sky did, but eventually for him to realize he did the right thing by killing Andreas.  In regards to season two… First of all I’m really afraid. I love Farah and I’ll spend all my wishes on her coming back. I’m really excited to see in what direction the show goes and to learn more about Rosalind and what her goals are. I’m not as interested in the teenagers, shocking I know, but because I’m not as emotionally invested, I’m open to a lot more things. I really want to see what’s going to happen with Beatrix. She has the potential to become Rosalind’s henchwoman or to turn against Roz and I like either option.”

We then move onto the quick fire questions, the one she doesn’t have as much time to ponder over and definitely my favorite part of the interview, seeing as sometimes you can see a person shocked by their own answer. 

What is she expecting from Saul’s character development in season two? (It’s important to note, this interview happened before the trailer had been dropped).

She hesitates, “expecting or wishing for? Wishfully expecting, given that he shows up at all, I want him to face his demons. He’s been suffering from it, but he just projected it all onto Sky. He hasn’t really worked through his trauma and now he’ll be forced to do it. I really really want to see him grow more into the role of a father to Sky, accepting that over the years he has raised Sky. Of course, I want to see how he deals with Farah’s death, I don’t want this swept under the rug. I can’t say what I expect there, because we’re all in the dark when it comes to Farah�� Oh and I want him to survive!” 

Talking about Farah, does she believe they’ll manage to bring her back? 

Now there’s no hesitation, seeing as it is the number one question on this side of the fandom, the most pressing question in almost any social media when it comes to Fate. 

“I really want to believe it. Because I love Farah and she’s basically the whole reason I watch the show, but I really don’t want to hope as much, because then I’ll be disappointed. Silrah and Farah have been really popular, so it could be that they saw that and worked her in. I don't think they had it planned from the beginning though,” the ever realistic Fay's got her hopes down and her feet firmly planted on the ground, “I hope there will be at least an attempt to bring her back. What about the ethics of bringing a person back from the dead? I don’t care. Personally my headcanon is that she hasn’t really died, as in the cartoons where she’s transformed into a tree. In case she really is dead, though, and they bring her back, then I think the repercussions must be more severe. I don’t want a zombie, but I do want to see some consequences from that act alone.” 

What is it that she enjoys writing about silrah the most?

“I think the thing I love about silrah most is the chance to portray the pining… The longing. The scene that inspired me the most in the canon is the scene at the end of episode 2, when they’re alone in the office. Having trauma but still going out of your way to care for those you love. The aspect I like writing most is angst, in one of my first fics, “Fighting For You” - there’s a scene where he realizes she’s in danger and Farah is fighting for her life, Saul thinks she’s going to die, and all this despair and suspense melts away as he finds her. That uncertainty, the pain and then the subsequent melting off… That’s what I enjoy writing.”

I hit her with the dreaded question among creators, but Fay isn’t daunted by it - she embraces it, with a vivacity that’s present in all of her creations, including in this interview. Fay is just one of those people whose confidence, or rather, bravery, is inspiring. 

Which work is she most proud of? 

“I really liked one of the earlier paintings I did of them dancing, because it was there I realized my art had come a long way from when I started. Also the one I did for the winxsource prompt of Farah and Rosalind. For fanfic this is much harder. I’m really proud of The Seventh Grave. I enjoyed writing Yield and Sweet Nectar of Life, but especially Fighting for You, because it’s been my longest fanfic and, since it is still ongoing, it’s my companion.”

What about her three favorite fic tropes? 

“Slowburn, enemies to lovers… There’s only one bed”

And three tropes she despises? 

“I don't like forced marriages… Sometimes they’re written really well and I do enjoy it, but it’s hard to come by. I don’t understand the hype with coffee shop AUs and I really don’t care about pregnancy fic.” 

When it comes to writing, any specific inspirations? 

“Oh anything by @septemberrie​ - Skye - and specifically “The Grief That Does Not Speak”, written by Sae_G. All of their works are amazing. I do have to say that I’ve read every single silrah fic that is out there, so all these crumbs, they’re a big part of what inspires me when writing these characters.” 

And finally, does she want to shout out to anyone? 

Her answer is heartwarming, but Fay drives home how incredibly wise she is too as she says, 

“A general shout out to everyone who reads my stuff.  I do primarily write for myself, but I love reading through all these comments. Reading through them makes me happy and validates, all over again, what I do. A big shout out to everyone who’s in the discord server, this amazing community we’ve built, and for everyone who talks about silrah,” then with a chuckle, “and for my sister who’s always very rude when I’m drawing.”

- Interview written by @skloomdumpster​ | Jo

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Okay, leaving aside my hatred towards Endeavor for a moment, I must admit I love his existence in the narrative as a character who makes everything around him more complex.

I have some meta about him prepared, but unfortunately I based all of it on a non-official translation of the manga. What I'm gonna do is rewatch the anime and take it from there, but in summary, it's a total show to see how he sabotages himself over and over by not listening to what people tells him and only following what he thought they said, not what they meant.

(I ended up writing a LONG post about this anyway, lol. I'd appreciate if you keep reading).

His approach to trying to make up for all he did to his family was to pressure himself to be the best hero of the world. A hero good enough to make his children and his wife proud. When actually, what he family needed and needs is for him to fulfill his duty as a father and a husband. They need Enji Todoroki, nor Endeavor. They don't need him to become stronger or faster or win even more prizes. They need him to talk and share about their day, to cook and clean the house, to watch TV together and go places together.

Enji is so focused on the narrative he made in his mind that he's unable to understand where is he wrong, which is extremely selfish being honest. The reason why he suffers so much and makes others suffer so much is because he is unable to communicate efficiently. This is a constant in the bnha narrative, a theme that is in every plot and arc. Whenever a hero or a villain finds themselves trapped, they soon realize is because they've closed their minds and hearts and let others out, so they can't receive suggestions or advice, nor try new ways others can see but not them.

Endeavor is the embodiment of the tragedy that comes with not opening your mind and heart and letting people change you. It is the tragedy of the old generation of pro-heroes, in fact. That's the reason why the UA kids have evolved so much through the manga, but the pro-heroes haven't changed that much, with a few exceptions.

Let's analyze how it relates to Endeavor's quirk, shall we? When fire gets released, it generates heat and light and sound; it is energy. Endeavor most noticeable trait is his excess release of energy. He's always on fire, shouting and using his strength over the top. He does what I could call a total waste of his resources.

He works excessively, to the point his own light blinds him. The moments Enji is relaxed, truly relaxed, are few on the manga. He lives in a constant competition. Do you know what happens to any object that is continually pressured? It wears down, it breaks. Or in other words, what is constantly burning without rest will soon enough burn out and fade away.

He held his wife to his standards and then his kids. He forced them to keep a rhythm that broke all of them, just because he felt a failure himself. I don't know y'all, but if the man I admires calls himself a failure, with all he does, and I want to be like him and I'm unable to even reach a piece of what he is, I'm gonna feel fatal myself. That's what happened to Touya. He took everything his dad threw at him. The problem is not that Touya couldn't resist, the problem is that he learned too much from Enji. He copied every trait and behavior, his recklessness and his self-centered view of the world, his insane standards and perfectionism, his ignorance in terms of how much he could stand and his desperation to be enough, be more, please everyone.

Rei ended up in the hospital because she tried to keep up to Enji. The stress was too big and she made a mistake, burning her younger son and marking him forever. And Shouto also tried to keep up, with almost results in him becoming just as blind as his brother and father, if it wasn't for Deku. And what about Fuyumi and Natsuo? Well, we saw how Fuyumi took up the role of the mother of the house and how Natsuo, who has for me the healthiest reaction to it all, distanced himself and rejected all the pressure. But deep down, Natsuo trauma is more related to what he let his dad do to his family than anything else. He thinks is partially his fault what happened with Touya and Shouto, with Rei and Fuyumi. He got caught in the middle, feeling useless and helpless, like a ghost.

It could all have been avoided if only Enji stopped for a while, reminding his family that they were perfect as they were or that he was already proud of them. The issue with this type of family dynamics is that they didn't need a meteor to fall from heaven or a god to point the way, but rather they lacked the little things, the daily things. A kiss in the forehead and a story for the night, a picnic and a trip to the beach. Endeavor was too worry about the big picture that he forgot everyh paint is made with tiny strokes. But he didn't have time, he was too busy for a family he forced to exists. He wanted them, didn't him? Then why he was never truly there if he wanted them so much?

When he was there, they were filled with fear. Did he notice it? Or course he did. It's impossible to miss the type of stares Touya and Rei had in their faces, the cries of Shouto, the trembling of Fuyumi and Natsuo.

As I see it, Enji is facing a simply but not easy (for him) decision:

If he really wants to redeem himself in front of his family, he needs to devotee his days to being with them. He needs to make up for all the time he wasn't there, for all the wrong he did, he needs to take in flesh and soul the consequences of his actions.

And it'd be hard to do so if he is the number one hero in Japan, knowing he's gonna be busier than ever. Now that he has what he wanted so much, is it worth all the trouble? Touya and him are mirrors in that sense. If Dabi makes his family suffer and kill his dad and then dies himself, could he call that a victory? Would he feel okay or just less miserable? Now that Endeavor has what he wanted, did it fill his life like he thought it would?

Does he prefer to lose his family but be Japan hero number one or give up the title in order to take back the life he sacrificed for his dream?

For me, that's the core of Enji's conflict right now on the manga. You can see it by how he went to fight AFO and not Touya. Again, he picked his hero duty over his family, making Kotaro quiet right. After all, heroes hurt their own families to save total strangers all the time, don't they?

[earthlingschat]

WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND?

“You will repeat the relationships you had with your dysfunctional parent (s) until you decide to heal yourself.” - @motherless.mothering

Earthlings Chat discussions are sacredly designed for mental, emotional & spiritual breakthrough, realization or discussion. My intentions for episodes of #EarthlingsChat are compassionate and open minded: I do not encourage anyone to bash or selfishly berate others, families, or anybody’s struggles or truths during or after watching this content. For free episodes of #earthlingsChat please feel free to follow & support the movement on my Instagram at: www.instagram.com/anikawilmore

May we look within and beyond, forgive, and remain strong willed & empowered.

Today I’m going to be discussing something that may hit close to home, but I am feeling it’s important I open up this conversation in a society that does not necessarily open up about topics of this nature due to shame, pain, embarrassment, a fear of judgement, or perhaps you’ve just chosen to stay quiet in your healing process, and that’s totally ok too. But I want to assure you, this is a safe place to be. You are not alone. Every human being on earth has their own whirlwind of issues going on, life is up, it’s down, and that is valid. I just wanted an opportunity to come together on this platform to support each other beyond the smoke, the mirrors, the smiles, the “I’ve got it made” mentality. So thank you for showing up. So, Mother’s Day is next weekend and this is a holiday we utilize to celebrate so many amazing mother’s who work incredibly hard to protect to provide and show unconditional support and love for their children: being a mother, married or single isn’t something that is a walk in the park: to be a mother is a responsibility, it’s a treasure, it’s a experience. I salute the ladies who do all they can for their children while having to also take care of themselves, a home, bills etc. But it’s a rarity we ever discuss mother’s who are not present, damaging, and even in some cases, more than you may realize, ultimately don’t enjoy being mother’s/never planned on becoming mother’s... Now let’s go ahead and dive into today’s topic: What exactly is the maternal/mother wound? In my own words, the mother’s wound originates from the mothers mother, who inherited this unhealed wound from her own mother’s mother, and her mother, which in turn can and will subconsciously impact our women’s sons and especially their daughters in many different ways/avenues. This wound may come to begin to bleed at the most influential and youngest age of a daughter or a son: the moment you are cut from your mother’s lifeline/umbilical cord.... clearly due to the fact that the mother’s entire being is after all, your delivery ferry into the physical earth plane. It is your intensely grand entrance into this experience we are all currently learning and constantly navigating. The wombman (explain this) is our first major influence. She is truly our very first provider, our first recognition of what life is. Definition of the WOMBman - is a spiritual connection between women and the womb. ... Wombman is the divine woman, the female, connecting with herself / oneself to the very core of her womb who is spiritually growing, retaining powerful knowledge and learning or awakening to recognizing her true essence. Becoming a mother allows you to obtain the power of the gift of holding life in her hands : this is a conquering, taxing journey. She is a mother, a sister, a cousin, an aunt.

I’ve created a scale of responses with a simple sequence of numbers: 1, 2, and 3: 1= Never/does not apply , 2= Sometimes , 3= Felt this way mostly/all the time. Feel free to share your answer as we go along, this is a safe space and any bullying or criticism of someone else you will be asked to leave or you will be removed.

Q/S. You felt as if you could never reach the standard set for you specifically by your mother.

Q/S. Your mother isn’t or wasn’t there for you on an emotional level.

Q/S. You’ve confided personal things to your mother you wouldn’t share with just anyone, only to later have it thrown back at you in a disagreement, manipulated and reconstrued just to really hurt your feelings.

Q/S. You yourself have set weak boundaries in friendships or relationships.

Q/S. You’ve always attempted to reach a level of perfectionism to gain your mother’s attention, approval or acceptance.

Q/S. You’ve had a hard time saying no to your mother on many, if not all occasions.

Q/S. Let’s say you happily ran a few errands for your mother, but you were truly not able to run the last due to a time confliction: If you do not/did not just do one favor for her, would she resort to an unnecessary level of anger....?

Now, I’d like you to begin to add up your answers to determine the final number. Please, feel free to keep the grand total to yourself to protect your privacy unless you’d really like to share your answers amongst us, but this is really just for you: The higher the number, the more I want you to recognize, and you are not obligated to agree.... That you may be in a toxic relationship with your mother. When does this separation, this neglect, this lack of compassion begin? The mother wound has been defined as an injury which was inflicted on a child’s psyche, a subconscious disruption. In many cases it varies as to how this wound gradually festers: it could be due to a mother being totally absent, a lack of unavailability, or perhaps even a complex amount of injuries unseen to the human eye that have been inflicted on the child for years and years. Perhaps favoritism of a child's sibling, an unspoken jealousy that is only shown through action or manipulation. This wound can also show up in your life as: avoiding conflict to keep the peace, feeling responsible for other people’s happiness, lack of love for yourself, mental health struggles (addiction, depression, anxiety), struggle to maintain boundaries, dismissing your own pain, I personally feel like many more people are going through this than we realize. Acknowledging your mother - wound is the first step into your personal path of healing. I feel like many of you may be going through this silently. This wound is not rare.... It’s very very deep rooted. & I’m here for you.

[botwstoriesandsuch]

casual anon checkup how you doin

Let’s see, well we just breached 4am, and the sense of urgency to complete some school work has finally kicked in. I got my laptop propped up on the kitchen counter, and I just finished making some houseblend coffee that I loaded with milo powder for “health” purposes. Gotta finish up this AP Stat quiz while pretending I have some semblance of what the hell is going on in the class that I don’t pay attention to. I got my fancy bluetooth headphones that I connect with the wire anyway because I don’t like using up the battery, and I’ve had this acoustic cover of Solitary Warrior Revali looped for a few minutes now--I need those soft vibes to distract me from my thoughts about how the only reason I’ve been so sluggish with my work overall is probably due to years of ingrained perfectionism and inability to adapt my standards to the currently circumstances of the world along with my slightly declining mental health so you know--music’s nice. 

Oh! And my dad got me this electric coaster (as pretentious as that sounds, I know. Leave me and my not-cold drinks alone ok) for the holidays and it matches with my favourite mug that I’m drinking from right now so, it’s the little things :3 Plus, not to derail myself from my school life intentionally, I’ve been working on this sheet music for one of my songs for a few weeks now and it’s starting to actually sounds pretty decent so yaay!! Probably won’t share it for a long time though...I’ve really been only working on it on and off again when I have “free time” [which may or may not just be my online class gym period hey you can’t prove anything to the cops]

Uhhh what else can I shove in here...”How you doin” pfft, I don’t really know how to make this ask funny or entertaining. Well I’ve nearly finished up this zine piece about the Royal Tech Lab so that’s fun (shameless plug for the Memorabillia Zine) aaand, I’m picking my kalimba again to learn Mipha’s theme. About time, cause I have to record shit for the [REDACTED] project I’m working on >:) heh. Oh fucking SHIT now that I think about it I have like three different secret projects I’m working on huh...haven’t even finish the script for that damn au...OK what it, right, “how am I doing” well, I’m doing everything and nothing currently, if that makes any sense. Your possible regrets about sending this to me aside, it feels good to just lay everything on a plate, shit out a post, and then never talk or acknowledge it ever again. It’s like birds, you know how they just take a ten pound shit in the mourning and never look back? (That way they don’t need to go during the rest of the day) That’s what this is, just a giant load of bullshit that I’m gonna set out at 5am and then never look at again. 

You know as unhealthy as it sounds I really do dedicate a lot of time to this blog and this fandom. I mean sure not all of it (arguably any of it) is productive, but hey it’s something. The fuck else am I gonna do with my time...you wake up, you slam your keyboard awake to show up to online class, you take a nap, you spend a few hours keeping up the cishetallo gifted student appearance to your parents and then spend the rest of your time finding enough serotonin on the internet to make your brain work. Hell if I’ve talked to another human being in real life all year. Even my parents just kinda talk about the news and “how was class” during dinner which lasts like 10 minutes. My dad just kinda pisses off to work as soon as breakfast is made, and my mom just kinda stays in her office until everyone’s back and she makes dinner. Wait, that’s a lie, she does talk to me on Sunday mornings when she informs me of how I’ve ruined her day before church. So you know I do prefer it that way anyhow, why the hell would I want to talk with them when I got perfectly entertaining internet companions. What’s a “what scholarship programs are you doing?” to a *checks notifications*, “why are Rito fingers like that if they molt to they just lose the ability to--” god fucking dammit...

So! What were we saying--how am I doing? Welp. Guess it’s up for interpretation cause I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that. The hell would you do with the answer anyway. Pity points, praise points? I don’t particularly care for either. God I just realized you introduced yourself as “casual anon,” HA....apologies this is the opposite of casual isn’t it. Or, well maybe it isn’t. I’m the one just having a nice little chitchat with myself as I sip through my mug o’ caffeine. I might have to add a keep reading bar to this so I don’t blog up the dash, but also that would be ironically humorous to see for such a stupidly small question huh. Idk, contrary to popular belief I don’t have a spine so I’m probably not gonna unload all this shit on my followers like that out of the blue. Hell I’d be surprised if I actually posted this. Then again...5am and vibin with bad decision making.....plus the sentiment of putting something out to be seen is always nice.

You ever watch Bojack Horseman? Fantastic show, it’s just on a whole ‘nother level when it comes to writing. And yeah, I probably should have been watching it in the first place, BUT.............yeah ok there’s real excuse I probably shouldn’t be watching it/have watched it. But there’s this one episode in Season 4 I think? It’s where Bojack gives a eulogy for his mother’s funeral and the entire episode is just that, it’s just this giant monologue of him giving his eulogy. And that episode always facinated me because it is probably the most interesting episode in the entire show and one of my favourites, and like...how did they do that?? How did they make twenty minutes of talking so engaging and entertaining? I mean, yeah, I could probably analyze the pacing and structure to find the answer, and hell if I’ve watch my share of youtube video essays on the subject. But like, just the entire concept that someone had the idea to make 20 minutes of talking an entire episode....that’s just insane (forgive the language). 

It’s one thing to want to talk about yourself for a long time and be interesting, but to pour all kinds of energy to make some made-up fictional character talk about THEMselves for a long period of time...is that sad? Or maybe it’s respectable. /to make an audience care more about something that’s not real rather than you. Well, perhaps that’s selfish thinking. 

Oh! You know what, I just got this super nice message from someone the other day about a Raybands giveaway. Obviously, I’m not in the need for sunglasses during this day and age so I kindly declined and ignore the offer, but it got me thinking: how liked to you have to be in order to sway someone to clicking a random link. Like I’m talking about your friends or something, but like, if you opened your door oneday and Mr. Rogers was there selling clementines, would you buy them? Or if Lin Manuel Miranda offered you a vaccum, would you buy it? What’s the standard of known niceness that constitutes to you complying with what they’re asking? I sure would like to know....not for manipulation purposes but just for...idk, just having that tangibility of something. 

Ah well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw how am i doing. Well I’ll tell you what I’m doing, I’m procrastinating. Procrastinating on work and wips and conversations and dilemmas. You don’t fail all the shots you don’t take afterall *wink wink* aaand for legal reasons that was a joke. Idk, you tell me how I’m doing, fuck if I know. According to this empty mug, I’m doing well, but I also will be doing a piss in the bathroom probably.

[talks-refined]

Why azula, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had a redemption arc

i know it’s a complicated subject in this fandom but i wanted to give my two cents on it! i promise this isn’t me just going “booh evil”

okay so here’s the thing. the reason this is so complicated to answer is because it needs to ask pretty existential and complex questions like, can everyone be redeemed? how is evil made? how much of you is really only your upbringing? is it possible to be inherently bad? what do we fundamentally deserve? can you separate yourself completely from what you’ve been since birth and if so, what’s left?

now if you walked up to me and asked those questions, my answer would probably be something along the lines of “i don’t know, i just got here”. so that’s not what i’m gonna try to answer here

notice how i said “shouldn’t have had” and not “deserved”. i can’t tell you what azula “deserved”— probably a nicer childhood and therapy— but i can also say azula didn’t “deserve” anything. she’s a character, she’s words on paper, animation and voiced acting. there isn’t a real azula, an actual 14 years old child soldier out there awaiting to turn good. characters are story arcs, development, goals... what makes their value isn’t morals but what they bring to the story. and azula brings so much that, in my opinion, being ultimately redeemed would cheapen

first off: zuko. i’ve seen people say azula shouldn’t get a redemption arc because then her story would just be the same as zuko. it’s... not true, obviously, they’re different characters for a reason, but there is a part of truth i wanna point out here:

zuko and azula’s stories are diametrical opposites. two siblings, a boy and a girl, a firebending prodigy and one who’s average at the very best, one favored by his mother, the other favored by her father, one impulsive and one calculating. At the beginning of the story, one angry and unstable, the other calm and confident, one banished, desperate and without honor, and the other a princess and leader, acclaimed by all, who radiates regal energy.

“(ozai) said she was born lucky. he said i was lucky to be born. i don’t need luck, though. i don’t want it. i’ve always had to struggle and fight and that’s made me strong. that’s made me who i am.”

( zuko, to aang, season 1 finale )

that first sentence was the hook that told the viewers azula would come in the picture in season 2 and it tells you exactly the opposite dynamics their characters would develop on. azula is perfect, zuko is a failure is the message we’re supposed to get, at least that’s how they view each other and themselves, because that’s what their father taught them. but here’s the thing: luck is by definition elusive, and perfection is by definition unattainable. azula spends her life building herself around the vision that failure is inexcusable. because she’s at such a high place, because she’s so perfect, she can never fail, because she can’t and because she’s not allowed to. that mentality is bound to doom her, it’s inevitable. it’s a direct opposition to zuko, who builds himself in the fact that he’s failed so many times, that he made so many mistakes, that each taught him lessons. when zuko fails once, he knows he can get up because he was miserable for so long that it taught him he can survive anything. when azula fails once, she crumbles. azula is a cautionary tale of perfectionism, and cautionary tales can’t have happy endings. zuko’s approach of life has to reach a happy ending, because he’ll always look for one, it has to reach a redemption arc because he’s not scared of the mistakes he’s made in the past and he is always trying to better himself (the redemption comes when he realises he was trying to meet the wrong standards). azula’s approach of life guarantees a downfall because she’s convinced that failure is the end.

both their stories mirror each other, backwards. when we meet zuko, he’s failing, always, and when we leave him, he finally won. when we meet azula she’s winning, always, and when we leave her, she finally (by which i mean that it’s inevitable, not that it’s good) fails.

and there’s another reason (let’s pretend this is structured, okay?), that’s a little more complicated, and it has to do with ozai.

you know how ozai is barely present in the series? i’ve seen some people argue that azula is a better villain because she’s scarier or because we see her more. here’s the thing:

when you’re trying to portray something that’s really, really awful, it’s easier not show it. when you show something, in it’s entirety (in that context that would mean making ozai a deep, 3 dimensional character that we see develop) it’s... small. to define is to limit (- oscar wilde). when you only show small things tho, details, in movies it can be shadows, think the beginning of stranger things when you don’t see monsters, but can feel a threat, that’s when it can get scary as shit. because whatever limited, physical (or character-ial? is that a word) form you chose for the villain isn’t there in people’s minds, it’s only their own imagination trying to comprehend what you made them feel. and what people imagine based on only fear, or anger, is easily scarier than any five headed monster you can put onscreen.

that’s what ozai is: a looming threat. hell, i’m not even sure we see his face until season 3. he only has a handful of scenes. but i hate him. i hate him so much i could scream into a pillow and he’s so vicious it sends shivers down my spine. you know why? because of what he did to zuko and azula.

when you wanna keep your main villain mysterious, it’s good to give the audience characters that he’s interacted with. characters that he’s close to enough to have had an effect on them, so they can perceive a part of him. and boy did he have an effect on his children

( to be fair here: that idea and most of what i’m saying about it came from Overly Sarcastic Productions video on minions as a trope. it’s really good i love their whole channel, red is amazing)

season 1: meet zuko. he’s a sixteen years old. he’s a bad guy, but written so that you sympathise with him to a certain extent. then comes the Tragic Backstory Episode and you learn that he was challenged to a duel as a thirteen years old by his father after he spoke without permission in a meeting, begged for mercy, got half of his face burned off at the hands of his father, and was banished from his home to search for the avatar, who was dead as far as anyone knew.

now you’ve seen very little of ozai after this episode, but you’re ready to fight that guy, right? i know i am.

it gains a level of depth with azula. after being introduced to a character who is starving for his father’s love and approval, we’re introduced to a new character, who seemingly has all of that. azula is zuko’s ever winning rival. she has everything he wants, her honor, her title, her father’s favors.

(i think it’s worth noting that making your children compete for your love is already a red flag for noticing pieces of shit)

but it’s not enough. azula has everything, she is everything ozai values (cunning, strong, ruthless) and even then it’s not enough to please him. nothing will ever be good enough. and you see two children fighting, breaking themselves to please a father that is seemingly incapable of love, but keeps baiting them, giving them impossible standards to reach so they’ll always keep trying to please him.

okay, now you hate him, right?

but here’s the thing: because azula was a firebending prodigy, she got a taste of her father’s approval. he saw himself in her, where he saw too much of iroh and ursa in zuko. he was proud of her.

he was never proud of zuko. too soft, not strong, or fearless enough. because of that, zuko was never close to his dad. all he got was disdain. because of that, he forms bonds with other people (with his mother and uncle, at first) that expose him to another vision of life. and in exile, after chasing relentlessly, part of him is pushed to the realisation that he can live without his father’s approval. because he had to.

azula on the other hand, quickly becomes all ozai’s. from flashbacks you can clearly tell each of them gravitates around one parent, zuko around ursa and azula around ozai. even in her other relationships (zuko, tylee, mai...) she behaves according to what her father taught her, how to manipulate and hurt others

and ursa has flaws, god i’m not saying she doesn’t. that deserves a post in itself. but she values things like kindness, softness and love. ozai values strength, power and cunning. childhood is a formative stage: you often build yourself on the way you were raised. zuko had those conflicting values, because ursa, and ozai more indirectly, both taught him. but ozai isolated azula from other (adult) presences. this is more speculation but i really think it’s true, for what it’s worth. we rarely ever see ursa and azula interact, and when we do ursa is i think always? reprimanding azula for something that ozai taught her. it doesn’t seem like they spend enough time together for her to teach her daughter a better way.

that’s the thing. ozai’s “love”, or at least approval, was azula’s curse. zuko thinks it’s something he has to aim for, and later realizes it’s only ever going to be conditional and manipulative and stops trying. because he knew another way. but azula always lived with it. it isolated her, prevented her from ever finding a better way. his “love” is what did this to her

so yeah. none of this is saying that azula could never have been good. she was 14, she had a whole life ahead, i’m not some psychology master that can tell you exactly if it’s even possible to unlearn so much manipulation and abuse- i want to believe it is. but this is a story, and to me it’s the more nuanced, more interesting, better story they could’ve written. i think having those two very different and very paralleled stories, for a show that doesn’t shy away from complexity the way atla does, was very important.

while i was writing this, i showed it to a friend, who can speak for toxic households better than i can, and gave me a new perspective and the best conclusion: when in an abusive parental relationship, there’s always a tearing hesitation between ‘breaking free’ and doing what’s best for you, and staying loyal to your parent, someone you’re supposed to love and who’s supposed to love you. zuko is a message of hope ; azula is a warning

[kazuzuha]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ part three

part one ; part two ; part four ; ...

this work is protected by copyright. copyright © kazuzuha ™ 2021

It took me another two years to find a new goal and remember my past one - the latter being that of me exploring the world, meeting new people, seeing the archons, eating new foods, feeling the wind of the highest mountains in Teyvat...

Interestingly, this goal that I had forgotten coincided with the one I had now; running away.

That was all I had in mind in the time gone by, all that truly kept me breathing in that suffocating place. My own mindset was an opposition to my mother’s, her traditional perfectionism trying to mold me into someone flawless, yet, not better than her. My own set of unbearably high standards wore me down, then were further pushed by her hand which ignored the fact that our pressures came from the same place. But I knew. I knew. 

It was at fifteen that I fully understood that knowing you are in an unhealthy situation does not call upon the Archons to help. 

Father was not around, busy with climbing ranks and taming the snowstorms. If he knew of my ambition, he would have agreed to that marriage proposal I had been given years ago, suspiciously immediately after the Tsaritsa’s interest in me was expressed. It was not that my father did not love or care for me; the opposite stood true. However, he was unaware of how deeply the mental scars inflicted by my mother ran. She was a good wife, a great wife for a Snezhnayan especially. But she was not a good mother. All I had tried to explain, he had already known of, but from a completely different perspective; words convoluted, actions exaggerated - after years of hearing second-hand stories about his child, his image of me became exactly what my mother intended. Therefore, hoping and begging for his help would be redundant. I had to get away on my own two feet.

That being said, I still needed outside help and financial freedom. I made acquaintances amongst my peers, though being taken into a circle of Snezhnayan kids was a difficult task; due to my family’s high standing and my mother’s foreignity, I was either avoided or sneered at. No one dared say much, but those that did were not speaking in welcome. The odds would be stately against my success, if it were not for my observance. Most children were homeschooled and the only way to meet others my age was at a very occasional party or in organised training. There were certain aspects that I saw were well accepted in their eyes; strength, resilience, beauty and charm. I trained in strength, my mind forced resilience, the beauty and charm part could be subsistuted by wealth and social standing. It should have worked. Unfortunately, I did not consider my gender.

After beating a boy twice my size in combat, I was not revered as I had previously expected. I was not suddenly accepted into a friend group, was not offered the bitter alcohol they hid under their shirts. I was a foreign girl they could not touch, could not win against. And that pissed them off. The spreading of rumours seemed like a simple childish act at first, but the way people began to view me was set in stone before they even met me, painting me as unattainable, arrogant. A sense of déjà vu made me realise that I was once again losing an exit out of this place. But I was a quick learner.

Instead of my peers at the training grounds, I looked elsewhere. Tagging along with my father under the pretense of learning his strategies, donning my most modest dresses and tint on my lips, I met the younglings of aristocracy. They recognised my situation as their own, shunned for being better than everyone else. The mindset of superiority deeply ingrained in their small heads made it laughably easy to appease them and get piles of information that I made sure to memorize. My graceful actions, soft-spoken words and dainty visuals… all crafted to fit the perfect standard of a young girl beloved by the Tsaritsa. 

Manipulation was effortless to replicate and after shedding a false tear over an acquaintance’s loss of a parent, the apprehension of the lack of my care about using others sent shudders down my spine. I hated it. I hated being forced to do the same I had been an object of. Most of all, I was horrified by how good I was at it. A secret account provided by a lovesick fool who turned out to be the son of the main manager of our biggest bank. Five sources of income through illegal trade business from Fontaine. A shy girl who wished for one good friend, the daughter of the biggest weaponry corporation, owning over fifty industrial factories in Snezhnaya alone. In less than two years, I was the biggest shareholder of two major companies. 

All I needed was a good public reason to leave and never come back - if I had run away in the middle of the night, the powerful people around me would send hundreds behind me without a second thought. The only ones who can facilely leave are the Fatui - Tsaritsa’s dogs - and, of course, her Harbingers. I have seen my fair share of Fatui, especially when I was still dealing with the mess that was the illegal trading with Fontaine’s machinery. They were soldiers, but they were also people; until you gave them enough power to be drunk on. As for the Harbingers, two of them I had met on multiple occasions; the man I had momentarily seen at Tsaritsa’s side on that balcony was presented as Dottore, or Doctor, though his unhinged expressions pointed to him being a rabid predator, not a healer. He was a shadow; never seen, but always… there. The second Harbinger was my father’s old acquaintance known by the title La Signora, or more favourably, The Fair Lady. As a visionless female aristocrat, I was expected to marry quickly and provide many future soldiers to the armies of Snezhnaya. When I was younger I did not understand the disgust and abhorrence I felt at the thought of my set future. Without dreams, I only wandered. It was not surprising that I began to look up to the notoriously powerful Signora, especially since the silver shade in our eyes was of the same empty shine. Fascinated by her bold disobedience of our land’s customs, I caught myself imitating her walk; young and impressionable, sure, but I also knew that without a Vision, I would never be able to stride as freely as she could. 

That is why I spent so much energy and time on getting Mora. In complete honesty, I could have left Snezhnaya a year into my socialisation. In only a few months, I had enough financial security to start a business in the faraway Liyue which flourished past my expectations. Despite resigning myself to using others, the human mind sometimes cannot help but create bonds of affection to others and so, after the first time hearing “comrade” or the late-night conversations with a painfully vulnerable and lonely teenager, I could not help but want to stay longer, although merely subconsciously. I began finding reasons to stay; perhaps visiting Liyue to oversee my business after a scandal was not a good enough plan to leave, perhaps I should save just a bit more before I go on a long journey, what if the branch deal suddenly fails, I need to manage this project myself… The excuses piled up, my very few friendships strengthened and then, I thought; living here for the rest of my life would not be the worst. This idea was proven wrong time and time again, the glares like daggers in my back, enviness of others putting poison in my cups, the bloody display of the rare bunny I was gifted by a prominent and popular merchant, my mother’s slap at the word “Liyue” leaving my mouth.

I was woken up by news of the forgotten childhood marriage proposal being reconsidered.

“My clever girl is all grown up now!” my father spoke loudly, his fork sounding on the golden plate as the guests around him followed his proud tone with interest. Turning to his closest comrade, another one of Tsaritsa’s most trusted, he spoke as if confiding a secret though all invitees could hear him clearly: “Nobody is ever going to be good enough for my dove, but I’m considering accepting that proposal. They’d make a good match, both of their heads full of coins.”

Booming laughter ensued as my smile froze on my lips. He had never discussed this with me beforehand, so why now?

As if he had read my thoughts, Father’s eyes found mine, his bright and naive, sure that I would simply go with it as I had with everything until now. I decided to keep the illusion intact and made myself smile wider. 

“Girlie that plays with coins, hah! If that’s what he needs to tie him down, I’d get on my knees myself,” the other man spoke, raising his glass towards me and eliciting another round of hollers. 

Not one to stay quiet in rage, I spoke with a light, pretty tone: “Sorry to say this old man, but I’d prefer for the man to kneel down for my hand himself. Your legs might just give out from how long you’d have to be begging on the ground for him.”

The hidden jab of my not even knowing who the man proposing was went past their ears.

“As expected!” the man yelled over the ear-wrenching laughter, slapping my grinning father on the back, while another man, whom I recognised as my only female friend’s absentee parent, spoke up; “She’s really your kid, through and through. Shame you didn’t make a boy, too, with that spunk he’d be one of Tsaritsa’s best warriors by now.”

“No kid of mine would be any good as a soldier,” Father countered, the alcohol in his glass disappearing. “Us Silvers use our heads.”

After he playfully headbutts his comrade, the conversation moves elsewhere and I take my leave. Again, I find myself on the balcony, heaving deep breaths, desperately trying to calm my racing pulse. Vaguely, I think about my wild expression and how others would react if they chanced upon me at this moment, but my unbearable fear does not allow for a stoic attitude. 

Ah, right, I wanted to run away.

It is needless to say that I got my plans in order just that night.

I only let my closest friends know of the finality of my departure, sent a personal letter to the Tsaritsa and prepared an entourage of people who wanted to permanently leave Snezhnaya as well.

Tsaritsa’s reply was swift and curt; a permit to leave for business. There was not any mention of a permit to return, but that was exactly what I had been looking for.

I mentioned my journey East to my parents at a rare shared dinner, as if passing news. My mother would have dragged me by my hair if we had been alone; having my father present was imperative. With my mother’s forced silence, I explained that, due to the scandal - which I had painstakingly created myself - I wanted to take charge of the business in Liyue Harbour for three months until I found a capable enough manager to take over the decision-making.

“It is unsavory for women to make the main decisions in a business,” I sighed, massaging the side of my head as if troubled by this gravely. My father nodded, sympathetically, while my mother coldly glared at my theatrics. It was not her that I needed to convince, anyway; she would follow whatever her husband decided. Holding Father’s hand, a physical contact of seldom, I continued: “I want to get this over with quickly, that is why I am going myself. After all, the marriage should not be put off for too long, should it? You told me a few days ago that you wanted a grandson, after all.”

I left three days after that.

The tearful farewells were done in secret, only polite nods were given in the public eye. More people have come to bid me a good journey than I would have expected, my ties reaching further than those of the usual Snezhnayan. I decided to speed up my leave before anyone else could notice.

White mountains and the creaking of snow beneath the heavy feet slowly turned into browns and greens and sloshes of mud. We stayed the night at a guesthouse in Fontaine, the waterfalls washing away the prints of our path. I wished I could have run away immediately, but arriving at the Liyue headquarters was a necessary evil to maintain our facade; if we did not send word, it would have been no different from an escape without planning. 

The warm water felt wonderful against my cold skin, accustomed to the harsh weather of the land of Cryo. It was a few hours after sunset and only the sounds of nocturnal butterflies were present. The unchanging moon shone down, reflecting its light into the lake, its shape sometimes a copy, sometimes a caricature. 

TBA

[illfoandillfie]

Hi! May I please get a creative block reading with your movie tarot deck? My initials are mmc if that helps. Please and thank you. You’re honestly so incredibly amazing for offering readings.

of course darling!! I hope this helps!

Tarot: 8 of coins, temperance, knight of cups, four of wands, the hierophant, 5 of wands

Okay so there are 2 things we look at in a creative block reading – the internal and the external – because both can influence creative energy in different ways. You may feel that one resonates more than the other or it could be a mix of both. Just take whatever makes most sense to you.  

So let’s start with the internal stuff. The 8 of wands in this reading represents internal difficulties that keeping you from creating. It relates to apprenticeship and passion and, notably, high standards. I think it’s possible that you’re expecting perfection from yourself and get frustrated when things don’t turn out the way you were picturing. High standards can be good! But they should be something to work towards that makes you edit and rewrite paragraphs or makes you redraw that one thing over and over until it’s muscle memory. High standards can inspire passion and ambition and skill but they can also get in the way of all those things.  

Temperance is what you need to change in your attitude so you can get back to a more creative headspace. It’s a card of patience and moderation. You need to balance out those high standards. Be patient with yourself when things don’t immediately go the way you planned. Take a breath, remind yourself that it’s still a work in progress and that you can change things later, and stop beating yourself up. Manage your expectations of yourself so you can get back to a place where those high standards push you to try more and to improve your skills rather than frustrating you and make you stop altogether.  

Next we have the external difficulties that are keeping you from creating. The 4 of wands symbolises community, home and celebration. It could be that something about your home life is getting in the way of your creating – maybe your favourite room to create in needs a tidy, maybe you find that every time you sit down with the intention of making something new someone interrupts you. It could be that you thrive under pressure and things are just too peaceful at the moment and it’s not sparking that creative energy. Or maybe it’s the opposite, maybe you’ve been too busy or someone has disturbed your routine (my first thought was builders coming through to fix something and changing the feeling of your usual creative space). Whatever it is it has something to do with your home life.  

The Hierophant tells us what you can physically or practically do to change this. This card relates to tradition and conformity so it may be that you need to reorganise or re-establish your “creative space” – tidy off your desk, organise your tools, make sure it feels comfortable and inspiring. It could also be a case of breaking tradition – if you usually create inside maybe try going and sitting outside in the fresh air instead, or if you usually sit on your bed try moving to a desk or the floor instead. Shake things up a bit! The Hierophant also relates to rituals and ceremonies so it could be that by creating a ritual for yourself you can more easily slip into the creative mindset and warn people that you’ll be busy without telling them – get yourself a drink or a snack, set your laptop up, light a candle, put on a favourite album, whatever helps you transition from regular thinking and your everyday brain to the mindset you need to create.  

This leaves us with two cards – the knight of cups and the 5 of wands – which represent the lesson to take away from this creative block as well as any extra advice the deck wants to share. So the knight of cups is about following the heart. He’s a card of imagination, a little bit idealistic and romantic. He’s in touch with his emotions and his intuition and uses them for his own wellbeing. He’s telling you that the lesson to take from this is to reconnect with yourself. Use this as a time to reflect on what you enjoy about creating and why, and what you need from your environment to feel comfortable creating in it. Figuring out the background whys and hows can make you more receptive to creative ideas.  

Finally the 5 of wands. This is a card of conflict and competition. It’s advising you that conflict isn’t always bad. It could be a friendly rivalry that pushes you to do better or, like the high standards I mentioned earlier, it could be an inner conflict between what your mind imagines and what your hand actually makes. Don’t let the idea of conflict hold you back. New opportunities rise from battles. Learn from whatever conflict arises – do you need to communicate your needs better so others don’t interrupt as much? Do you need to spend time practicing a particular skill so you can improve and eventually produce those amazing things you think of? Accept whatever conflict appears and use it to drive you forward.  

So I pulled a few different oracles for you. 

First up is a card from the artist oracles - Charles & Ray Eames. This card offers three pieces of advice - one for life, one for work, and one for inspiration - you may find that all of them are relevant or that only one of them is. Take whatever resonates most! 

Design your days - don’t plan them / Aspire to profound practicality /Be unbending in your flexibility.

I really like that last one, especially in connection with the cards that talk about the external blocks. This card is encouraging you to be a little more flexible with how you create so try some new things and see what works!

Your literary witch is Charlotte Perkins Gilman. She represents freedom, oppression and the systems at work. I think the dichotomy between freedom and oppression connects strongly with the internal/mental blocks. It definitely speaks of needing to free yourself from something - negative/overly critical thought or a rigid idea of what you want to make, etc. It could also relate to the external side too with that “systems at work” bit. Perhaps there is something in your current system that is holding you back. 

I also pulled 3 cards from my new sacred creators oracle deck. Creator Alchemy / Feed Your Artist / Over-Thinking Can Spoil The Magic 

Creator Alchemy - This card says that you are a powerful alchemist and you’re ready to transform the ingredients of your life and make gold. It suggests that there is a need for focused determination in order to get out of the creative block you find yourself in. I see it connecting with the external side of the reading because it talks of the minutiae that anchors you down like day to day home life and regular responsibilities. It does also suggest that you could be dealing with too many different ideas or projects at the same time but i think that’s secondary to the other parts. 

Feed Your Artist - This one 100% ties into those internal block cards. It speaks of self-judgement being a problem, especially in regards to harsh expectations. And it suggests some down time could be a way to break out of that headspace and, like the knight of cups, also that there’s a need to reconnect to your creative joy. 

Over-Thinking - This is the first card in this deck which I think goes to show how common of a problem this is lmao It says that analysis-paralysis or the fear of making the wrong decision is part of whats holding you back. It’s causing doubts in your own abilities which means your worrying about the outcome before you’ve even really begun. It could manifest as obsessive planning or perfectionism. You need to switch to a more positive mindset and trust that you are capable of making something good, something people will enjoy.

And finally, I also got you a Frida Kahlo card which will hopefully be of some inspiration. It says:

Breathe deeper, extend your breath and listen to your heart. Create a life from here. 

[momentous000]

Americanized: A struggle with identity and culture

This is a reflective essay I wrote for my first semester college english class. It was the first college essay I was assigned to write  and I found it intimidating, realizing that my writing skills will finally be put to the test. I wanted to share my story because I know that I am not alone in struggling with these experiences. I am still struggling with balancing two cultures and learning to make peace with feelings of frustration and shame. 

As first-generation immigrants, my parents are unfamiliar with the American education system, specifically, college in its entirety. While my parents have been supportive of my education, they do not have the knowledge or time to guide me along the process. As a result, I was forced to become independent within my academic journey. In becoming self-reliant and navigating through The Academy on my own, I struggled to balance my cultural and academic identity.

Growing up, my parents instilled in me the importance of education as a foundation for success. The guidance they provided was limited to: “Be a good student,” which meant, “earn good grades.” To please my parents, I finished my homework, studied dutifully, and earned fridge-worthy grades throughout my academic career. They congratulated me on every report card, with the same phrase: “Good job, anak, keep doing well,” my father would always write on every report card. With every A I brought home, they sounded like a broken record, it started to feel like they were mocking me. Their response was so superficial, so focused on the letter grade. I graduated high school with a 4.2 GPA, decorated with cords. According to my parents’ definition, this proved I am a good student. They were proud of me.

Nevertheless, I know a good student is not defined by the grades they earn. I consider myself a good student because I value and apply the knowledge I learn beyond the classroom setting. But, the more I learned, the more I withdrew myself from my family to focus on my studies. In prioritizing my academics, I struggled to balance my Filipino identity. The more serious I was about perfecting my academic skills, the more I held my parents accountable for the same standards they placed on me. While dealing with my perfectionism and familial expectations, I feel compelled to further conform to the academic standards of the Model Minority Myth. A model minority is a racial group whose members are perceived to have a higher level of success compared to others. The media often portrays Asians as a poster child for this myth, using seemingly positive stereotypes, such as “all Asians are good at math.” Not only does this have detrimental effects on diverse Asian ethnicities, but also race-relations in general.

As a result, the Model Minority Myth and my parents’ expectations forced me to bolster my sense of agency. Both conditioned me to attach my self-worth to my academic accomplishments. As a second-generation college student, would I become another prized possession, a trophy, for my family? My older sister, fortunately, went through the college experience before me, attending Northern Virginia Community College (NVCC) and successfully transferring, and graduating from the University of Virginia (UVA). Despite our similar paths, the future of my education solely rests in my hands. I must have exigence because if I do not, how will I repay my parents for their sacrifices, if not for an educated daughter destined to pursue a better life than theirs?

For this reason, I adopted the habits that eventually isolated me from my family, such that of Rodriguez in Scholarship boy: “with ever-increasing intensity, I devoted myself to my studies. I became bookish, puzzling to all my family. My ambition set me apart.” Like Rodriguez, when I was in high school, I would come home every day armed with knowledge I was eager to share with my parents. My eyes lit up, almost alarmingly, chattering on about Crime and Punishment. Yet, as I was rapt in my speech, my mother’s eyes glazed over. She curtly commented on how all the books we were reading were too old, too Eurocentric:

“Fyodor… ano? Russian, talaga? Why do they make you read those books?”

“It’s a classical novel, mom. It brilliantly explores morality and religion—”

“He murdered someone? Wow! Don’t start thinking like him!” “The author didn’t commit a murder. Raskolnikov is a complex character that—” “Why all the books you talk about are old? No modern or Asian?”

“Well, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad—”

“Do you have to write an essay on it?”

“Yes.”

I started to feel contempt against my parents’ way of life. Their philosophy was “not only different but starkly opposed to that of the classroom,” as stated by Rodriguez.

While I am adopting the identity of a scholar, according to my parents, I am becoming Americanized. In his song Kuya Derrick, Nak, a Filipino-American rapper, shares his similar struggles with maintaining his identity: “Our parents wanted us to grow up in America without becoming American.” My parents assumed American education was stripping me of my native culture because they claim The Academy has a standard, monolithic, mindset. Despite explaining The Academy’s emphasis on not only diversity in ethnicity, but as well as in thought, I do agree with them: I am struggling to be proud of, to retain, my Filipino identity while simultaneously becoming a member of The Academy.

In our image exercise in class, I chose the image with a group of people surrounded by thought bubbles and collaboration. I interpreted the frenzy of intellect as an example of scholars sharing their insights in The Academy. As an introvert, I see myself as the first person from the right, the one listening and contemplating the ideas they learned. While I do not see my introversion as a problem, my analytical thinking exacerbates my shyness and self-criticism. These issues not only hinder my contributions, but growth in The Academy. Currently, I am weighed down by the “Panic Monster.” To guarantee my successful transfer to UVA, he is always awake in my mind, pressuring me to confine myself in the yellow walls of my aunt’s attic, suffocating me with the constant transfer of knowledge. The only way to shut him up is to obey his orders: study and the “Panic Monster” takes a nap. To make the most of my college experience and to better engage in The Academy’s frenzy of knowledge, I plan to become more confident in my skills and embrace a hint of extraversion.

Now that I am paying for my education, I feel a profound sense of determination to take advantage of my resources. I do not want to be a passive student, just dutifully doing their work and waiting for two years to go by. I will participate in class discussions, connect with my professors, and take honors courses to grow further as a scholar. I will exhaust this campus of its resources by taking advantage of the tutoring centers, getting free merchandise from Student Life, and joining campus clubs such as the Honors Club and the Pride Alliance. To refrain from wasting the precious days of my “Life Calendar,” as Urban explains, I will further challenge my shyness by becoming involved outside of NVCC’s campus. I will explore Annandale, instead of constantly being cooped up in my aunt’s attic, and meet new people from various backgrounds in one of the most diverse colleges in America.

My parents, like most immigrants, wanted me to succeed and pursue the opportunities they missed. They were living their American Dream vicariously through me. I should be grateful for their sacrifices. While they do not have the same intellectual curiosity as I do, I take for “granted their enormous native intelligence,” as Rodriguez confessed. While I have an English accent in Tagalog, my parents can fluently write and speak in our native tongue. While I am forgetting the language, they manage to speak both English, Tagalog, and even a regional dialect, though they have an accent. While I can quote classical literature, they can cook a variety of traditional Filipino cuisine that I enjoyed eating growing up and still do today. While I held contempt for them, imagine how heartbroken they felt when they witnessed their child becoming increasingly disconnected and foreign from their family. I want to learn more about my roots, I want to study my history.

I strive to express gratitude towards my parents’ strength in moving us here after political persecution and extrajudicial killings of human rights advocates in the Philippines forced us to flee and seek refuge in America. I strive to reclaim my Filipino identity and culture by being less judgmental, and truly understanding my parents’ way of life, our culture’s way of life. I must not let the rules of The Academy and my Eurocentric education consume my identity. I aim to learn how to cook traditional meals, learn our rich native history, and respond to my parents in Tagalog.

footnotes:

A reference to the first Academy, founded by Plato. It is also used to describe the overall intellectual work and environment of colleges or universities.

anak means child in Tagalog, the main language of the Philippines.

“What”

“Really”

“Older brother”

The name Tim Urban coined for upcoming deadlines during his TEDTalk on procrastination.

[wiseabsol]

3. What is your favorite/least favorite part about writing? 6. Favorite character you’ve written? 14. What does it take for you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?) 15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing? 19. How do you cope with writer’s block? 24. Do you remember the moment you decided to become a writer/author? 33. What’s your revision/rewriting process like? 34. Unpopular writing thoughts/opinions?

3. What is your favorite/least favorite part about writing? 

My favorite part is when you make discoveries about your world and your characters as you write the story down, and when you write something and go, “Oh, there we go, there’s the solution to this problem that was going to come up later.” For example, I recently had an evil mentor toying with a magical item while giving a lecture to his pupils. The magical item was mundane--essentially, just putty that you could mold into whatever shape you wanted, then solidify, then switch back to putty to reshape. And as I was writing that down, I went, “Oh, THAT’S what my protagonist is going to knock him out with down the line. That’s way better than her using a lamp. Excellent.” 

My least favorite part about writing is getting started. Once I’ve cleared the hurtle of the blank page, writing becomes much easier and more exciting. But getting myself to start has become much harder since I developed my editor/critic’s brain.  

6. Favorite character you’ve written? 

In one of the text-based rps I’m writing with my best friend, I’m playing a shapeshifter named Sparrow, who is charming, funny, flirty, politically-savvy, and super vain about his appearance (think a courtesan-type character). He also has one of the most gut-wrenching backstories of any character I’ve ever written, and is struggling with triggers from that backstory. His romance with my best friend’s character is also my favorite romance that I’ve written with her, and it came as a surprise to both of us, since we were just testing out the characters at the time.   

14. What does it take for you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?) 

I do a lot of brainstorming and outlining, though my outlines aren’t plot-related ones so much as very detailed character summaries. I’ve honestly been struggling with plot lately, but I’ve been doing better character work, so I’m winging it more now. While I usually have a general idea of how the story goes, the actual writing of it clarifies the details and makes changes to my plans. On the bright side, the results are less stilted than my old work, since they’re not chained to plot outlines, but stem from the characters more organically.  

15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing?

I’ve started telling myself, “Fuck it, let it be messy, I’ll fix it later.” Letting go of perfectionism is hard for me, but doing so has been helping.   

19. How do you cope with writer’s block? 

Honestly, the best way to cope with writer’s block is to just try something and see if it sticks, or leave yourself a note and skip ahead in the story to something you want to write. However, as I mentioned in an earlier ask, I haven’t been able to do much writing lately. And that’s hard, because I feel guilty for not writing, and I know if I just do it, I’ll feel better. Which is a bad mindframe to be in, especially because this year has been awful. I’ve been telling other writers to be gentle on themselves, because it’s hard to be creative when you’re stressed, but I struggle to take my own advice. So right now, I’m trying to give myself permission not to write, and to instead focus on other things. Editing. Reading. Playing videogames. Baking. Doing house/yardwork. Something to still ticks things off of my to do list, but also things that I can look at and see, “Yes, you did get something done.” It’s not a perfect system, and it does fall into the productivity trap, but it’s what I’m trying. When the stress passes, maybe then I can dive back into writing.  

24. Do you remember the moment you decided to become a writer/author? 

I think it was when I was applying for undergraduate college. I wrote in my application essay that I wanted to write stories that would show my readers that things can get better for them. I was writing as a hobby before then, but I think that’s when I decided that yeah, I wanted making stories to be a part of my future, and I wanted to write stories that I could publish someday. 

33. What’s your revision/rewriting process like? 

Mostly I end up rewriting the chapter or story in question. Draft one is for realizing and getting down the idea of the thing. Draft two is refining it to that thing and losing all of the flab that the story doesn’t need. Often I have another file on the side where I paste in what I’ve cut out, in case I change my mind and want to add it back in later, or in case I can use it in another project. I also save the original messy draft and do the cutting in a copied file. That way, I can reassure myself that the original still exists for me, and I can reread it when I’m feeling self-indulgent, but I’m also only giving the best version to my readers.  

34. Unpopular writing thoughts/opinions?

-- Writing every day is a good idea, and does work well for the writing process, but it’s an unrealistic standard to hold yourself to, especially if you have a day job, kids, and other adult responsibilities. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t write every day. The guilt is just going to make you freeze up instead of returning to the work. Be gentle with your expectations for yourself.  

-- If you’re including triggering or sensitive subjects in your work, and are planning to share that work with others (and ESPECIALLY if you’re planning to profit from that work), you should be doing your research about those subjects, portraying them as accurately as possible, and asking yourself if your story really needs that content to work. It is also a good idea to employ sensitivity screeners for that content, especially if you’re writing from a place of privilege and/or don’t have personal experience with the issues that you’re depicting.

-- Once the work is out there, no one has the right to ban it. They can be critical of it, yes. But not ban it.  

-- Writers of privilege must include diversity within their work, even if they’re scared of getting their depictions of people from other genders, races, classes, religions, and so on wrong. And they will get it wrong. When that happens, just apologize and try to do better in the future. But staying in your lane is a bad idea, for three reasons: 1.) You should be striving to have empathy for others, and you can’t do that if you’re only writing about people who are similar to you. 2.) Writers of privilege have an easier time getting their work published, and so should be trying to push the market/publishing industry into a more diverse direction. And 3.) You should be showing readers of privilege that the world is a diverse one, rather than catering to their narrow worldview.

-- Getting defensive when someone is critical of your work is perfectly natural, but it’s also dumb. It’s so, so dumb. You have made a product, and no product made by human hands is perfect, and every writer has blind spots. So when someone is critical of your work, try to keep this in mind: this is not an attack on you. Let yourself feel the hurt in private, and eat lots of ice cream, and when you’re feeling better, look at the criticism and ask yourself: What led the reader to this conclusion? How can I fix it? What can I learn from this? This is assuming that the critic is working with you in good faith, by the way; sometimes they’re completely off of the mark, or are upset because you didn’t give them the story that they wanted. But if someone is going, “Hey, this is a little racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist/etc.,” sit up and listen. And for the love of god, don’t fight them over it. You’ll make yourself look like an ass. 

-- Don’t workshop your story too early. Try to get a full draft down before you submit something for consideration. For one thing, you’re still figuring out what your story actually is. For another, writing workshops, while useful, have a tendency to pull your work to the middle / make it more acceptable to a general audience. Sometimes this will soften and even kill your bravest writing. Instead, use writing workshops as an opportunity to find writers who understand the themes you’re aiming for and the subjects that you’re discussing. Their input will be what you need.  

-- With the current laws about copyright infringement, getting paid for your fanfic is a bad idea. If you want that to change, then fight to make the laws more lenient. As if it, you’re risking screwing over other fanfic writers by doing that. Does that suck? Yeah. But that’s also the reality we live in right now, and you’re not going to have a good time if a corporation like Disney slams you with lawsuits.

-- Genres like fantasy, science fiction, horror, romance/erotica, and murder mysteries are real literature. Saying they’re not has its roots in classism. 

-- There is no such thing as apolitical writing. 

-- Poets are underrated. Support them. Most of the time, they’re doing braver and more socially-important work than you are, and they’re doing it concisely, too.     

-- Your first draft is going to suck. This is a good thing. You learn a lot more from bad prose than from good prose, more often than not. 

-- Having your work rejected by publishers really is nothing personal. Sometimes it just wasn’t a good fit for them at that moment in time. If they’re interested in seeing more from you in the future, though, keep them on your list and send them something else during their next screening period. They don’t say that unless they mean it.         

[chopstickchild]

ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)

also tw for body image issues

for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.

well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).

These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.

But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.

The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.

So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)

ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.

And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.

ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.

also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌

[darkpoisonouslove]

I think that I need to bury myself in AU again... So, what about Griffin and Valtor in the Beauty and the Beast AU? If you want to know something about my headcanons too, feel free to ask, I really need to ease my mind😕

First, I’m pretty sure I got this ask just as I started watching the movie which might explain why I felt the inexplicable need to watch “Beauty and the Beast” right then and there.

Second, I already have a BatB AU in development but it is not ready and I don’t want to spoil my twist so I’m going to do another one instead. But don’t worry, there’s a twist here too. I think we can all agree that Griffin fits in the role of the Beauty as perfectly as Valtor fits in the role of the Beast. So I’ve decided to swap those roles.

1. Valtor does not get lost into the woods. He wanders in there very much on purpose, hoping that his mother and her sisters won’t be able to find him even with their magic. He stumbles upon the castle cloaked in clouds and shadows. The cobweb pattern on the windows looks like it is the only thing holding the pieces of glass together and the darkness inside makes it feel more like a tomb rather than a castle but he can feel magic in there so he walks in, searching for the source. Perhaps that will help him get rid of his “family” and their constant nagging. He manages to find the library and even take a peek at a book or two before he sees two golden eyes burning into him. He summons his own magic but the flames in his hand are extinguished almost instantly when the woman flaps her wings. Well, he thinks she’s a woman. A harpy perhaps? He doesn’t have the time to ponder that as he’s pressed into the shelves of books behind him, her claws on his throat and ready to sink in, purple feathers - the color of her hair - going up her entire arm to form something that isn’t quite wings but he’d taken as such in the dark. And with her face so close he can see her nose is long and looks quite like a beak but she has a mouth, too. She looks like a weird hybrid between a bird and a human. “You’re magic,” he says before he can even think about it all that well because she must be. A chuckle escapes her that freezes her blood. “Magic?” Her voice is a horrible screech “I’m cursed.”

2. She lets go of him - she can kill him any moment if she so wishes as she demonstrated already - and tells him about her students who decided she was too strict a teacher and cursed her to become the creature he could now see. Somehow he thinks that he should probably pay attention to the part with the curse but he’s more interested in learning about the magic she used to teach. Maybe she’s his ticket to freedom. The woman - Griffin, and that is a bit ironic but it was probably the point of the curse - tells him that she could teach him but it will be hard work. And she needs to get acquainted with his powers. So he tells her the story of how his mother found him one winter abandoned in the snow and took him in because she knew he had magic in order to have survived in that freezing cold when he was just a baby. To her disappointment, he turned out to have fire powers instead of ice ones like hers but she was still “kind enough” - in her own words - to keep him around and feed him, teach him magic. As if any of that was done in his interest. She wanted his powers to take over Sparx - the city of fire that wouldn’t bend under her frost. And he was done being her soldier when all he got in return was abuse. And she would never teach him how to control his powers to an extent that would allow him to free himself from her. So Griffin was his best bet. She agreed to teach him but warned him that he needs to stay in the castle so that his mother won’t be able to come in if she came looking for him. It was a part of the curse that only allowed one other person to stay with her since the three girls who cursed her claimed she was impossible to deal with when her whole attention was on one person that she’d torture to her heart’s content. He wasn’t sure how successful the whole curse was since she wasn’t completely turned into a monster. But with time it became clear that that was exactly the point and it was far more effective than he could have suspected that first night.

3. “That looks painful,” Valtor commented as he saw her pulling at one of the feathers to smooth it. “It is,” she said and didn’t offer more but he soon learned just how true the sentiment was. The feathers blocked her magic which was why she could do nothing to break the curse. And she could fly short distances with them but she was trapped inside the castle so it was no use. Just like his lessons didn’t seem to give result and only frustrated them both more and more. It was quite the same as it was with his mother when Griffin wouldn’t stop repeating at him that he wasn’t doing enough. But at least she wouldn’t hold back knowledge from him like his mother would so he bit his tongue and let her step over his pride in the name of freedom. Or at least he hope that was where this road was going because he was starting to get antsy trapped in the castle day in and day out but when Griffin told him his mother had found the way there, he knew he had no other choice. So he decided to do more and stayed up one night going to the library to grab some books only to find Griffin there. “Don’t touch them,” she said, startling him like she always did and he hated it like he always did. “Those spells are too powerful to be performed by one person,” she explained before he could snap at her about not giving him access to them. He looked at the book but the title was written in hieroglyphs he couldn’t understand and he wasn’t even sure how she saw them from so far away. “Is your sight enhanced or…?” She walked over to him and gave that chuckle again but her eyes seemed to lose some of their light this time. “Do you think birds can read?” she asked and he felt like she’d pushed a whole shelve on top of him to crush him under it. She couldn’t read. She couldn’t read and he hadn’t realized it because she’d taught him so many spells that he can’t have assumed she had them all memorized. And the books… she knew where every title was which explained why she was so mad when he put something in the wrong place. “Do you want me to read you something?” he asked because he’d seen the way she looked at books, and how she handled them carefully so that she wouldn’t hurt them with her claws. They were a part of her soul and it pushed all of his air out to know she couldn’t enjoy them anymore. Only the way her eyes seemed to light up at that helped him find the breath to read to her the book she pulled out and the tears he saw falling from her eyes at hearing the words for the first time in so long somehow made his fires burn stronger.

4. She joined him for breakfast for the first time the next morning but he almost wished she hadn’t when another horrible realization struck. The way her nose had been shaped by the magic made it impossible for her to drink from a cup or glass. She could only use a spoon to take in liquid and that explained all the dust on that binder with information about tea and recipes. The curse had taken away another thing she’d loved and he felt his throat tightening but he had to ask. “How did you spend your time when I wasn’t here to pester you?” “You’re not pestering me.” And that was enough of an answer because he could see her getting frustrated when a spell failed but it was still better than having to do nothing all day. And he could see how her voice would be so hoarse if the only thing she’d had left to do had been to scream. So he vowed he’d help her find a way to break the curse once he was free from his mother and he started asking questions about her, about what she liked to do. She seemed to open up despite the pain that remembering better days seemed to bring her. She told him about her passion in astronomy that was also sent to hell since she could never operate a telescope with the claws she now had and perhaps her bird vision would get in the way of that too. He wasn’t quite sure how she saw the world now but he knew it had to be very painful for her. And she also told him about the times when the castle had been full of students and she’d loved to see them learn but she’d chased them all away with her impossible standards and brought the curse upon herself. And he could finally see the difference between her and his mother even when their methods were the same. She cared about the students even if her perfectionism came from feeling like she wasn’t a good enough teacher. She cared about them even after all this time. And his mother only cared about herself. So he knew he was right in his desire to want to help Griffin and he tried to do his best in his lessons while she seemed to become more lenient. She even indulged him to a sparring even when she didn’t have her magic but he soon learned he was still no match for her when she had him pinned to the ground and immobilized with a little boost from her wings. She seemed to adapt even to her terrible circumstances and he couldn’t help but admire her. So when she let him roam the library unsupervised, he took the opportunity to read up on astronomy and find out how to operate the telescope to surprise her. He had to sneak out on the terrace to set it up. She did try to protest because they shouldn’t be even out there with his mother knowing to look for him in the castle but he saw there wasn’t a lot of fire in her words and she let him lead her outside, the tears coming out again at seeing the stars through her telescope again. She hugged him before rushing inside to gather herself and he would’ve stood there on the terrace for a long while to do the same if the doors hadn’t shut with a bang behind her, leaving him trapped outside. His mother was in the castle.

5. He didn’t have time to panic or think up a strategy because the doors froze over and crumbled to pieces, his mother’s magic getting even through the curse and he was sucked in by a wind that she could have only summoned if she had her sister’s powers. Which she did. She seemed to have gotten both Lysslis and Tharma’s powers if the way Griffin was clutching at her head and trying to cover her ears was anything to go by. Valtor did his best to defeat his mother but he was no match for her, especially now. And he couldn’t even be happy that he’d managed to make her let go of Griffin when all he could do for her was disappoint her. “I’m sorry, Griffin,” he said when his mother captured him in ice and turned back to her to finish her off. “He’s useless,” she spoke, staring Griffin down, and he couldn’t help but agree as he remembered that time he’d destroyed some drapes and a few books when he’d lost control of his fire and how Griffin had gotten hurt when he’d accidentally summoned a few monsters by mispronouncing a spell that was meant to revive plants. “And so are you.” That certainly had his eyes snapping open for him to see the way Griffin’s were burning with rage as she’d been deeply offended. “He’s not,” she said, surprising him when she defended his pride instead of her own. “He’s a great student, eager to learn and putting so much passion in his work.” That’s not how he’d interpret making a hole in the wall of the castle that had only gotten fixed because it turned out the structure was alive and had a heart pumping magic into its walls but thinking back on it, he remembered she’d scolded him but had never insulted or punished him like his mother had. And he couldn’t understand how he hadn’t noticed that earlier. But he’d been busy sulking over his hurt ego. “I’m proud of him,” Griffin said before a groan filled his ears and he thought it was Belladonna that was trying to kill her for the insolence to oppose her but the light coming from Griffin refuted that idea. It was the curse that was breaking. And there was more light when a portal opened, spitting out three young women - the students that had cursed her. “Girls?” “Miss Griffin. You broke the curse.” They seemed… relieved. And the energy in the room seemed to flow towards them just like it was doing with Griffin. The curse was no longer draining their powers to stay in place and Griffin was getting her own magic back. Enough to get on her feet and conjure a shield when Belladonna tried to attack her. “Miss Griffin, can you forgive us?” “If you forgive me.” They all nodded and joined her but the shield was soon blown to pieces, Belladonna’s powers growing as her rage did. Griffin seemed to focus, channeling all the energy of the castle through herself and her students helped, too, giving her their own energy. A big explosion of magical energy swept over him and sent the three witches to the ground. It would’ve done the same to him if he weren’t pinned in place by the ice. Belladonna was gone and Griffin was barely standing on her feet. He was by her side and caught her in a moment, not even recalling when he’d broken free from his bonds but that didn’t matter. She was in his arms and she was alive, the curse broken, her magic flowing to help her recover when the feathers had disappeared and the claws were gone too, her nose a human feature again. And her eyes were still so golden when she opened them. “Griffin,” he cupped her cheek and she returned the gesture. “Valtor. You’re free now. She’s gone. All her magic and that of her sisters was swallowed by the tower’s heart and will keep charging it instead of doing damage. And all three of them must have unraveled without their powers to hold them together after they kept draining power from the world to sustain their lives for so long.” It was the best news. He was free and she was free too. And she seemed to fix her relationship with her students. They even agreed to stay and study under her again and he would do the same since there was much more to learn and now that neither one of them was trapped, they could go out on the terrace to look at the stars without worrying about anything. And he could listen to her read to him her favorite stories which was more than pleasant, especially when her voice started returning. It was beautiful to hear her pronounce spells that could make the ground shake with the power woven in them but she was controlling them to make sure there wouldn’t be any damage. And of course her suggestion for them all to stay with her as colleague tutors was music to the ears. “We can even open Cloud Tower for students again.” “Cloud Tower?” Valtor asked as he hadn’t heard the name before. “That sounds…” “What?” “Fitting.” “You were going to say stupid.” “Never. Maybe a bit cheesy, though. But nothing you do is stupid.” “You have to promise not to be like that if we’re going to work together,” Darcy said. “Like what?” Valtor asked as he couldn’t understand. “So disgustingly in love,” Icy gave a shudder that was at least partially faked. Valtor gave a shocked gasp. “We’re in love? Griffin, were you aware of that?” he turned to look at her to see her shaking her head at him with an amused smile on her face. “Let me see,” she said before leaning in to kiss him and causing a storm of protests from the three girls before Stormy’s wind lifted them in the air and left them on the terrace where they’d have their privacy and the girls wouldn’t have to watch them. Just in time to see the shooting star that crossed the sky but there was nothing more he could wish for. He had everything.

[thatstoomuchman]

Progressive Enneagram Test Results

The few followers that I have, might have noticed my enneagram results have been changing lately. I had for the longest time typed as a 4 and I so badly wanted to make that fit because I was unhealthy and related to some of what I learned about the type and being the scapegoat in my family but it never really felt right. So I had been going on a quest of sorts to figure out what my type is.

I had found this site that explained the RHETI had a 27% accuracy of highest score and being it was only 12 dollars on the enneagram institutes website I took it. 

My highest score was a tie between Type 1 and 2 and my second highest scores were a tie between Types 4, 8, and 6. So I went back to the 9types site and saw that SEDIG test had a 58% accuracy of highest score. This test is found in the book The Essential Enneagram which was 8 dollars. So again, thought why not? I know that testing is highly debatable in this community but I have done so much reading on this subject I was still convinced I was a 4. 

So I got the book off amazon, its COVID and I had time to kill. My top three results were 1, 4, and 8. 6 was my highest body score but it was still not as high as the scores I got as my top result. 

Then I stumbled upon a FB group called Progressive Enneagram through a post on a subreddit I follow. The FB community is awesome and does long form testing for free if you join their community. The tests can last up to 3, 4, or 7 weeks depending on when you choose to test. This is helpful because peoples moods can influence their choices. 

The tests are created using cited sources from Don Richard Riso, Russ Hudson, Susan Rhodes - their specific books and page number! yes page numbers! in case anyone wants to have further detail. The guy that runs the site posts helpful articles daily to help everyone understand what is being tested and what their results will mean. He even wrote a guide to understand how to respond to the questions when ranking your answer on a scale of 0-10. Its incredibly helpful and honestly the best thing I found out there. He gives you his own background story on how this test came to be and he is EXTREMELY patient with the people who do not get their tests in on time (not that I was one of them) but it is such a nice community. 

BTW the summer test enrollment is currently up but has not had an official start date. He also lets you retest as much as you want as well. 

Today I got my final results and I don’t think I need to retest because the final results are pretty consistent with my other two paid tests. But check out below for the level of detail he provides you with your results. It’s amazing. And no, I was not asked to write about this at all. I just am so amazed by this test and want to get the word out to people who like me struggle to type themselves. This has been the best experience I have gotten. 

If you have any questions about it, let me know! I’ve been through it and am happy to help :)

Results Week One:

Type:  1 Wing:  2 Instinct: SX

Results Week Two:

Type:  1 Wing:  2 Instinct: SX Tritype: 147 Stack: SX sp so

Results Week Three:

Type:  1 Wing:  2 Instinct: SX Tritype: 126 Stack: SX so sp Quotients:

·       8 ~ 1.15 ·       9 ~ 0.35 ·       1 ~ 1.73 ·       2 ~ 1.22 ·       3 ~ 0.96 ·       4 ~ 0.95 ·       5 ~ 0.65 ·       6 ~ 1.14 ·       7 ~ 0.85 ·       SO ~ 0.99 ·       SX ~ 1.08 ·       SP ~ 0.94 ·       Body ~ 1.08 ·       Heart ~ 1.04 ·       Head ~ 0.88

Results Week Four:

Type:  1 Wing:  2 Instinct: SX Tritype: 126 Tritype with Wing: 1w2 2w1 6nw Stack: SX So sp Naranjo Suptype Name: Reformer Narrative Subtype Name: Evangelist Type/Wing Name: Advocate Tritype Name: The Supporter Instinct Stack Name: Flirter Strong Stack: 1 2 8 6 Strong Stack Name: Protective Supporter Suggested Direction #1:Accept your own goodness Suggested Direction #2: Work on seeing from other perspectives Type/Wing/Instinct: 1w2 SX Body Center: Gut Center: Gut/Instinct Types - present oriented: concerned with maintaining resistances, creating boundaries for the self that are based on physical tensions. Type 1 - The Reformer: rational, idealistic, principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic. Emotion: - seeks autonomy - concerned with resistance to, and control of, environment - underlying feeling is rage - have issues with aggression and repression. Ego Boundary Direction: Directed inward against inward impulses Hornevian Social Style: Compliant - super-ego controlled Motivation: Wants autonomy - earns it Harmonic Group: Competency - emphasize being correct, organized, sensible – manages feelings by repression & denial – work with systems Wing w/ exemplar: The Advocate - John Paul II - blend their quest for ideals and higher principle with empathy and compassion Naranjo on Instincts: Reformer - idealist - needs to improve others - counter-resentment Heart Point: 7 Stress Point: 4 Self-Image: reasonable, sensible, objective, moderate, prudent, moral, 'good', rational Sikora on instincts: Shared standards (counter) Screams at: Imperfection Jump Starts: Value-judging, condemning yourself and others Core Identification: Capacity to evaluate, compare, measure, discern experiences or things. Resist recognizing: anger based tension in me Basic Fears: being bad, corrupt, evil, or defective Basic Desires & Distortions: to have integrity ---> critical perfectionism Creating Conflict: Corrects others Manipulation: By correcting others - by insisting that others share their standards Surface Motive: Justice, correctness Strives for: Fairness, improvement When Healthy: Spontaneous, Joyful When stressed: Moody, Impatient Core Wound: Feel something is wrong with them, they are bad, feel imperfect and need to do things well, develop an inner critic, believe they need to do things the right way and adhere to certain standards of behavior Internalized Belief: It's not okay to make mistakes Lost Truth: You are good

ETA: I think its interesting my strong stack is what I normally get when I test. And the reason I didn’t think I was a one for so long is because I don’t really have an inner critic that much anymore. I used to but I spent a lot time after I went through a divorce not allowing myself to talk down to me anymore. And I think that's why it was so hard for me to see, also I’m a SX so I deflect a lot of the issues on to other people - which I still do. However, over quarantine I picked up a new hobby and its been interesting to hear my self talk change when I’m learning something new and how hard I am on myself. So something I need to be aware of and keep working on.

[saoirse-argentum]

I decided it would be more entertaining (for myself at least) to answer these as Saoirse…So I did…Everything outside of the last set of Q and A anyway. Haurchefant also makes a guest appearance. XD

B A S I C S .

FULL NAME:   Saoirse Argentum! NICKNAME(S): Sunshine and Somebunny. I’m told I have a cheery disposition and I love puns.   AGE: 29. BIRTHDAY: 19th Sun of the 1st Astal Moon (Jan. 19th) ETHNIC GROUP: Viera, Rava. NATIONALITY: Gridanian.  LANGUAGE(S) : Common. Dalmascan. High Ivalician. And I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out Mooglespeak….Kupo. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: I like them Elezen boys…and I’m a sucker for a handsome Dragoon.   ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Heteromantic and hopeless. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Eternally pining over Estinien. HOME TOWN/AREA: Old Gridania. CURRENT HOME: I still call Old Gridania home, but I spend a lot of time in Ishgard. PROFESSION: White Mage, Serpent Captain for the Order of the Twin Adder…Secretly a Gunbreaker…A bad one, but a girl can dream!

P H Y S I C A L .

HAIR: Brunette EYES: Green. FACE: Hmm. How did Haurchefant put it? You know what, I’ll just let him answer these next few. “If I had a star for every time her beauty brightened my day, I would have a galaxy.” LIPS: “Pink, supple and saccharine.” COMPLEXION: “Lightly sun-kissed.” BLEMISHES: “Not a one in sight…but her freckles…sprinkled like sugar and sweet.” SCARS: “None that I can see…Perhaps I should check.” “No.” TATTOOS: “A heart with my name on it, just above her breast.” “ALSO NO!” HEIGHT:  “Approx. 5’8”. Short for a Viera…I could just keep her in my pocket.” WEIGHT: “A gentleman would never tell.” “130lbs.” BUILD: “Like a brickhouse.” FEATURES: “Long lashes, slender legs, and her breasts—” “Okay, you’re done here.” ALLERGIES: Bananas and cats…both of which I enjoy. A true tragedy. USUAL HAIR STYLE:  Curled with angled bangs and styled to rest over my shoulder on one side. USUAL FACE LOOK: I smile a lot, I guess? USUAL CLOTHING: Thigh-high boots, skirts and dresses, and while in dungeons generally my White Mage robes.

P S Y C H O L O G Y .

FEAR(S): Loss. Letting my friends down…and the dark. ASPIRATION(S): Protect Eorzea, learn to be as good a fighter as I am a healer, and win the heart of Ishgard’s Grandest Grump! POSITIVE TRAITS: I suppose my empathy and optimism. NEGATIVE TRAITS: I can be stubborn and sometimes my shyness can be misconstrued as coldness. MBTI:  INFJ (“The Advocate”) ZODIAC: Capricorn. TEMPERAMENT: Somewhere between Melancholic and Phlegmatic. SOUL TYPE(S): An artisan.   ANIMAL(S): Vulpes Vulpes! Or the Astute Fox, a charming carnivore. VICE HABIT(S): I can be relatively reckless at times. FAITH: By the Twelve! GHOSTS?: Where?! AFTERLIFE?: Yes. There is something after all this. REINCARNATION?: I wouldn’t say it’s an impossibility all things considered. ALIENS?: I’m like 75% sure that Hildibrand is from another planet. POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: I’m a proud member of the Eorzean Alliance. EDUCATION LEVEL:  I have a high desire for learning, so I study whatever I can, when I can.

F A M I L Y .

FATHER: I never met him and my mother spoke little of him. MOTHERS:  Relme Argentum. SIBLINGS: Only child. EXTENDED FAMILY: Cassie Drauman…We’re practically sisters. NAME MEANING(S): Saoirse means “freedom” and Argentum is a metal so it’s considered “shining” in some circles. HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None that I can verify. When I was kid, I heard rumors that my father was Hyur: Hilghlander who fought for Ala Mhigo during the Garlean invasion.

F A V O R I T E S .

BOOK: I love so many…but I enjoy a good romance story. DEITY: Menphina. HOLIDAY: Heavensturn. MONTH: October…there’s just a certain feeling in the air. SEASON: Fall PLACE: The Dravanian Hinterlands, near Matoya’s Cave! WEATHER: Brisk Autumn days with just a slight breeze…enough to stir the leaves.   SOUND(S): Soft rain and crackling fires. Thunder and crunch of leaves beneath your feet. SCENT(S): The smell of earth after it rains. Strawberries and roses. TASTE(S):  Whiskey kisses. <3 FEEL(S): Plush Velvets…Estinien’s hair. >_> <_< ANIMAL(S): Estinien…but really, puppies. NUMBER(S): 19 is my lucky number! COLOR(S): Pink and pastels.

E X T R A .

TALENT(S): My propensity for puns. BAD AT: Dance and tanking…which obviously go hand in hand. TURN ONS: Estinien is glaring really hard at me right now… TURN OFFS: Cruelty. Smelling like a Sahagin corpse covered in moldy stone cheese. HOBBIES: Reading, sleeping, and baking. TROPES: White Mage, Healing Hands, Girl Next Door, Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and the Klutz. QUOTE(S): “To let evil do evil, to do nothing in its presence is the same as taking their side. Being a hero means taking a stand.”  “I used to be good at wordplay…once a pun a time.”

M U N   Q U E S T I O N S .

Q1: If you could write your character your way in their own movie, what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about? A1:  It doesn’t matter what I write, romance is usually central to the storyline, so it wouldn’t be any different with Saoirse. It would probably be a reverse harem style anime and all her party members would be beautiful men (standard archetypes) who want to protect Eorzea alongside her while vying for her heart. It would be called: All My Party Members are Bachelors. XD

Q2: What would their soundtrack/score sound like? A2: Probably a combination of Ayumi Hamasaki and Abingdon Boys School.

Q3: Why did you start writing this character? A3: She has a strong, bubbly voice and I spend so much time working on projects with more reserved heroines that it’s nice to break away from that without having to stress over my problematic perfectionism.

Q4: What first attracted you to this character? A4: I really like writing from the perspective of a character who doesn’t take herself too seriously…It makes writing dialogue enjoyable because I don’t have to stress about whether or not she’s actually funny so long as she finds herself amusing.

Q5: Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse. A5: Sometimes she’s a little too passive or naïve. I think part of that is because I’m so used to playing as a healer that I forget she can be strong in other ways.

Q6: What do you have in common with your muse?           A6: We’re both hopeless romantics and we both enjoy really simple humor…so easily amused.

Q7: How does your muse feel about you? A7: I dunno, let me ask.

“Are you French?...Because Eiffel for you.”

Ha!

Q8: What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with? A8: As a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, her most interesting interactions are with grumps or others with her sense of humor. Either way the banter is generally amusing.

Q9: What gives you inspiration to write your muse?     A9: Listening to music is one, but drawing is another one. I love drawing Saoirse with other characters and imagining scenes or interactions to bring to life visually and that generally spurs my writing.

Q10: How long did this take you to complete? A10: About two hours…because my dogs and significant other really enjoy distracting me, but it’s cool because I enjoy it too.