#which somehow in a morbid way makes it even funnier for me

[livemedown]

Sometimes when I'm desperate I hunt through Ao3 and Toilet specifically is a difficult one because he tends to be tagged in fics only to appear for like two seconds. Which saddens the Toilet fan in me. But today I found one, and while it was needlessly violent and out-of-character, Toilet calling MePad a wanker was funny enough to make it worth it. Like, what an asshole. I love it.

[thefanficmonster]

Chaos Magnet

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None :)

Genre: FLUFF, HUMOR, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: When Y/N get invited onto a stream with the gang by Jack (Sean) she’s not sure what to expect but it’s safe to say that such chaos is not something she could’ve ever imagined.

Requested by Anon. Hi hun! Thank you so much for your lovely request, it really had me laughing and still had me be awe-struck by the adorableness of the idea. Sorry it’s been such a long time since you put in the request but I still hope you come across the fic and read it! Love, Vy ❤

“Alright people, silence in the call for a moment!“ Jack calls out when the lobby’s counter has finally reached up to nine, leaving room for one more person who is yet to join, but apparently he doesn’t care much that he’ll probably have to repeat himself when the tenth person enters the call and lobby.

“Jack, you should know by now, the day there’s silence in this call is when some supernatural force murders all ten of our mics. It just won’t happen, deal with it.“ Charlie, who was having an ‘intense’ discussion with Toast up until Jack’s interruption, says sarcastically, chuckling ever so slightly, enough for it to be contagious and make me crack a smile as well.

“There won’t be silence, I’ll be talking. If only the rest of you would LET ME.“ Jack replies just as sarcastically, getting Charlie to let out an actual fit of laughter. When his chuckling subsides along with the rest of the chatter in the call, Jack finally gets to have the speech he mentioned, “Right, ok so here’s the deal folks: today we have a guest addition to the stream, curtesy of mine because I’m obsessed with her channel. As you might or might not have noticed, there’s one person missing from the lobby but she’s gonna be joining us any minute now. As I said, I’m a huge fan so you better not embarrass me or I swear I’m gonna kill you first when I get to be an impostor.”

I don’t know what the others are thinking - probably something similar as what I’m thinking though: Noted, embarrass Jack to the best of your ability. Trust me, getting him flustered in front of his YouTube idol is well worth the death in Among Us he’s threatening us with.

“Also keep in mind that she’s of a different kind, not of our breed if you will - she’s an ASMR YouTuber. Not those who eat in the mic just because they think it’d be pleasant for people to hear.“ Jack goes on to explain, the way he’s described this girl’s craft is quite intriguing, especially when you consider how confidently Jack expressed his distaste with ASMR in the past. He’s always claimed not to be a fan but here we are, I guess people really do change.

“Thank you for making it seem like I do more than just cut up soaps, Jack. I really appreciate it but don’t bump the bar up that high, people will be disappointed when they actually visit my channel.“ An unfamiliar voice appears in the call out of nowhere. Though, unfamiliar is not the adjective I should focus on when describing this girl’s voice. I’ll list a few more but even they won’t do it justice: pleasant, awing, mesmerizing, unbelievable, out-of-this-world...I really could keep going.

“Oh come on, Y/N, you don’t just cut up soap. You turn them into bath bombs too!“ Jack laughs, earning him a playful scoff from the newcomer. “Oh yeah, almost forgot - Everyone, this is Y/N, our ASMR artist.“

“Please, some ‘artist’ I am. The people in my comment section would disagree with that description.“ She giggles after kindly responding to each and every greeting the gang sends her way, myself included. “The word I’ve seen people use most when describing my channel is ‘cringey’ so....yeah.“ She laughs, a genuine laugh instead of the bitter one I was expecting to follow such words.

“That seems to be the cool kids’ favorite word, don’t dwell too much on it.“ Rae tells her reassuringly, “What’s important is what word would you use to describe your channel?“

Y/N hums, sounding as though she’s fallen in thought but that’s only one brief moment before she answers. Or begins to, at least, “Well, if I were to describe my channel with one word it’d be....BEEFY!”

That one out-of-context word, screamed out by such an angelic voice has me breaking down with overwhelming laughter collapsing all my ability to hold back.

“Out of all the words, you’d choose beefy?“ I somehow manage to ask between fits of laughter that render me breathless.

“She’s a vegetarian, I think, I don’t know why she’d choose that word.“ Jack too is laughing his butt off but has a significantly better grip on it, “Y/N, care to explain your peculiar choice?“

There’s a lot of shuffling and random noise on Y/N’s end before her reply finally comes, accompanied by a weak meow, “Sorry guys, that was a classic cat of Mr. Beef Stronganoff seeking attention by being chaotic.” She says through laughter, her words followed by another meow which was a lot more clear, seemingly closer to the mic, “He took down my mic, and he seems like he wants to do it again....BEEFY NO!”

For some reason, even with that explanation in mind, I can’t keep myself from laughing. Come to think of it, I think the explanation only makes it funnier.

“Ugh, darn it! I saved my mic but he ran across my keyboard and turned my webcam off how do I turn it back on?“ Her voice dies down for a few secs before it reemerges from her end, “Ok nevermind I got it. Now I can answer...what was the question again?“

Recovering from his laughing fit, Jack manages to repeat the question, “What word would you use to describe your channel?”

“Oh that! Right, ok. Um, I’d call it aesthetically pleasing and BEEFY NOT THE ROUTER CABLE YOU DUMMIE!“

She’s insane. Or her cat’s insane. I can’t tell. Maybe both. Either way, I can’t help but feel like I’ve found a soulmate in this literal stranger. It’s safe to say us chaos magnets like her and I, we don’t only attract chaos, but also chaotic individuals. I’m so glad she magnetized me to herself. Or was it the other way around? We may never know - mystery is in the nature of us chaos magnets, you know.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari  @renupf  @booklover76  @sra-verissimo

[sepublic]

Kipo’s Final Season

           Well, it was a journey you guys.

           Inevitably it’s bittersweet, because while it WAS a happy ending… You know. It’s an ending! Phenomenal final season, final trio of seasons, the show really wrapped itself up, but I’m empty that it’s gone now!

           It’s why I held off on watching the final season… My heart wasn’t ready to let go yet. And sure, if the third season were suddenly to get a BUNCH of ratings, we might get those additional motives that Radfor Sechrist hinted at the possibility of! But I’m still sad because the main journey is gone, and the cast, as we’ve gotten to know them, have left!

           Not entirely, but still! I will have to say that Kipo, Benson, Wolf, Mandu, and Troy are ROCKING all of their new looks! I love that Kipo looks more like her dad Lio, too! Speaking of which, I really enjoyed seeing Dave and Lio get along unintentionally… It was AMAZING to see Song return, and I just…

           I’m SAY, you know! I’m sad to see it all go. It really felt a final farewell to all of the cast and world we love… We got to see the return of various characters, including Fun Gus, of all people- Love the way his and Emilia’s arcs sort of tied together! And I love the symbolism of Emilia losing herself, as the idea of her becoming the very thing she swore to destroy… Those are great stories to me, haunting and chilling!

           LOVE how this year has been bringing us Gay Proms! First Grom, then Prahm! Prahm was great… I love Doag, though I feel sorry for her because of that NAME… But good for you Hoag, you’re a father and you let those paternal instincts override any fear, paranoia, and prejudice you may have had! Sure the warning didn’t come through in time, but at least you tried! Good for you…

           Also, I know Asher and Dahlia had a minimal presence, but I ENJOYED every last second of them we got, even as background characters! I loved the way the arc progressed, the stories behind Mutes and Humans getting along… It all felt so organic and natural, you know? And HUGO…!

           I’m not over his death. The worst part was that he DID redeem himself and fully change, so… It wasn’t like one of those Redemption-equals-Death cop outs! Hugo had already gotten his redemption. The crew really just wrote that for the sake of stomping on our hearts, huh? WELL THEY DID… Rest in peace, you funky mandrill! His arc was particularly brilliant and naturally-flowing, I love that final callback to his mess with Aurum… Hugo was just being that moody, temperamental older brother who’s a teen and insists he’s not going through a phase- But he loves his little sister and will humor her!

           I miss him already… And I LOVE his interactions with Wolf, as siblings by proxy of Kipo, but also their shared cynicism and trauma as I speculated about! Hugo making a blanket-cloak for Wolf, to replace the old one she had, which represented her trauma and past… I hadn’t even considered it, but it’s right! The way Hugo and Wolf’s arcs together to take out Emilia, only for Greta of all people to make a final point… It was amazing! Superb, brilliant, it was EXACTLY what I wanted to see and MORE! How we had this powerful and meaningful growth for the two of them as siblings in their own right, without necessarily having to rely on fighting… Just quiet moments!

           And Kipo… I love you Kipo! I was afraid the show might give us an arc of Kipo being ‘cured’ and having to struggle with no longer being part-mute, even if she were to eventually get that back… And they didn’t! They let Kipo be Kipo! I love her nature as a girl of two worlds, and how she brings both worlds together into one seamless creation! And her DNA gives me hope of a vaccine being made…

           I’m still sad over the deaths of Yumyan, Margot, Rupert, Camille, Brad, Billions, etc.! Remember the fallen… I was REALLY wishing the show would have them brought back to their old minds, and while still having them around in spirit sort of helped (as they were basically senile after the ‘cure’)… COME ON, this show has already been so bright and optimistic and hopeful in many other regards! Is it too much to ask that the ‘cure’ gets reverted, that they recover their old minds! It’s really messed up particularly with Margot and Rupert, as they were KIDS… Rupert was just being held hostage, and Margot DID make the effort to change her mind, just like Hoag she didn’t expect Emilia to be ahead of her! Maybe if we get that hypothetical sequel film with Wolf, MAYBE we could have Margot brought back… Or at least go over Wolf’s thoughts of Margot technically betraying her, but to save Rupert, and ultimately doing the right thing- Only to die! I wish we got to discuss that.

           Interesting that they never go about the origins of Mutes, but honestly… Not too important to me? The exact cause wasn’t a big deal to me, what matters is that it happened and now it’s here! Speaking of which, I LOVED the Dave episode… Controversial opinion, I think he’s a great character! I love how the show confirmed he was there as far back as THE beginning, and he was just… VIBING the entire time, over a fan! What DID happen to the fan, I wonder? Imagine if it got destroyed- Or even better, if it just ran out of battery! The implication that the fan somehow was able to run for two centuries, but still ran out of energy… Lol.

           THAT episode was a masterpiece of morbid humor, what with the idea of this one loser being THAT caught over a fan, Dave being responsible for skyscraper ridge… And that bit of Daves getting KILLED, but it’s never explained and then just sort of glossed over- It’s arguably amongst the pinnacle of morbid humor! The kind that just happens, and because it’s left unexplained it’s just BETTER, more horrifying, whilst funnier… And Benson! Like I said, the background, unspoken, but obvious implication that the Daves and Fanatics (is that what those humans called themselves?) slaughtered each other until one was left. YIKES… But it was still so brilliantly done and conveyed, it really is the epitome of dark humor to me!

           Benson got his kiss! He got his kiss with Troy! And now they’re running a restaurant together, Cappuccino gave them a SIX star review… But please don’t call them potato noodles. They’re fries. I can overlook anything, but NOT that! But now I crave that hypothetical sequel film that Radford Sechrist hinted at… Gimme gimme, please! Mostly I just want closure on those Mutes who got ‘cured’, I know it’s immature, but please bring them back!

           All in all, this was just… BRILLIANT! It was GOOD, and it makes me even sadder because I found myself so happy to see these characters progress, like with Zane, or Greta… Wolf letting go of her cloak, she’s so PRECIOUS I love her so much, and I love how Hugo was like an older brother to her and I miss him already! I love Kipo, I love Benson and Dave’s backstory, I love Troy, Asher, and Dahlia… I want MORE, please! I feel like I’m not yet ready to let go. And maybe I don’t necessarily have to, but still…

           And it’s absolutely wild to me, because this all happened within a year. It’s been a journey, huh? Once it was as simple as getting back to her old home… And while Kipo lost that, she made a new, better one! And I love that, but I’m also going to miss it- Because it feels that just as we got it back, we left! Well, I can always return in my own way, but for now…

           THANK YOU, to everyone who worked on this show! I’m going to miss Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts! It was utterly brilliant, and I’m glad you got to tell the story you wanted! Here’s hoping you get to indulge in the world of Kipo maybe one last, or two, times!

[tinycaprisun]

a song about it raining somewhere else

title: a song about it raining somewhere else characters: chuck taylor x trent beretta word count: 3822 part: 1/1 warnings: mild cursing, and like that’s kinda it? maybe mild angst? but also i’m a baby and it becomes fluff by the end? a/n: howdy, this is not another i’m back i’m back piece as much as it honestly is. no, see this time- this is actually a gift! 2 days ago was @trentjinshi’s birthday and i wanted to write him something! so i sat down for like 6 hours with my goopy goblin gay brain and spit out this obvious magnum opus. so, like, don’t hate it please. also hugest happy birthday to emil again!! yeehaw... i’ve technically already sent this to u

You know, of all days to have the soul crushing realization that you’ve secretly been in love with your best friend, Trent should have expected it to happen on Valentine’s Day.

The man had garbage luck anyways, and good things seemingly never happened to him. So when Chuck animatedly told him he had a date that night with some girl, Trent’s heart shouldn’t have blown apart like he had been shot. Sure, he pretended to be supportive of his buddy, returning his radiant smile despite the effect never reaching his eyes, And yeah, he wished him all the best, telling the taller man he hoped it went well.

But did Trent mean any of that? Fuck no! He was dying on the inside, mourning the loss of a relationship and love he didn’t even know he wanted! Perhaps he should have considered himself lucky that he didn’t start bawling his eyes out on the spot. The New Yorker had a tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve, so the crying really was not out of the question at that moment. But he contained his feelings somehow, moving on through the rest of that afternoon like he was trudging through a snowstorm. Slow, cold, and slowly dying from the inside out.

So that led him here, sitting in his car as the rain started to come down, refusing to turn the damn thing on. He didn’t want to go back to his hotel room. Because if he did, it would remind him of the obvious. He went home alone tonight.

Chuck wasn’t alone. His friend had a probably beautiful person with a perfect personality sitting across from him at a fancy restaurant. A person who wasn’t him. Why couldn’t Trent be his perfect date? He would laugh at his jokes, softly hold his hand as they walked in from the parking lot, pull his chair out for him, admire him like he was the sun-

A harsh banging came from his left, rhythmically tapping against the glass of his car window in time with the rain drops. Trent’s head jerked up from where it had defeatedly slumped against the steering wheel to see who was trying to get his attention.

It was a security guard, holding an umbrella in one hand and wavering him off with another, politely telling him to leave the premises as the arena building they were at was closing. To be honest, getting a ticket from not leaving and instead rotting in that parking lot forever sounded like a far better time than he was having. But, he didn’t have a choice. Story of his life.

Trent started up his car, quickly leaving off into the vast night with only his thoughts to keep him company. And that was rapidly becoming annoying. The singular thing on his mind was one person, and how all this time, his feelings were so obvious. Every time he even glanced in his friend’s direction his heart rate would spike. Before now, he had chalked that up to coincidence or - considering it was Trent and how his body loved to torture him - underlying health conditions. Evidently, it was neither of those things.

One would think he would catch on to his festering crush sooner; considering he thought the entire world of Chuck and whenever he had to go more than a few days without seeing him, he would get a weird sense of longing to be back in his presence, but nothing ever wanted to work out that way. Life thought it would be much funnier if Trent felt like he was being ripped apart at the seams by a simple sentence.

Between the still processing of what it even meant to have a crush on your best friend, and knowing that right now he was out with some other person having the time of his life, Trent was not feeling great as he drove down the freeway. Grumbling under his breath, he flicked the radio on to fill the car with something other than his problems. A song the brunette had never heard before crackled to life, being about part of the way through.

By the time we get there, everybody will be drunk The chairs will be on tables and the band will be unplugged We're gonna look real good, but we're gonna look real rude I'm sorry I'm not sorry that I'm-

Fucking perfect! The last person to mess with the radio in Trent’s car was Chuck, and bastard left it on one of his stupid country stations. Trent didn’t even like country music! That didn’t stop him, however, from a few days ago when they were driving from city to city and let Chuck put on whatever he liked, even if it was something he was going to hate. He would make tiny sacrifices like that all the time for his partner, because he knew it would earn him one of those sunlit smiles. Trent really would do anything to make Chuck happy, and had been since they met.

Late to the party with you Oh, who needs confetti? We're already falling into the groove And who needs a crowd when you're happy at a party for two? The world can wait 'Cause I'm never late to the party if I'm late to the party with you

It... It was a love song?

“Throw me off a fucking bridge.” Trent mumbled to himself as he exited an off ramp. Seriously, who out there was tormenting him and making him have possibly the worst day ever? What omnipotent being did he piss off? He thought he was an alright dude, not getting into other people’s business and sort of keeping to himself. Most days he made an attempt to be somewhat nice to others and never did any of that vile or cruel shit. And yet, he was cursed to drive home while listening to a love song in a genre that he hated, and only helped to remind him more of his best friend.

Let's promise when we get in that we'll try to get right out Fake a couple conversations, make the necessary rounds These kinda things just turn into "Who's leaving here with who?" But I just want 'em all to see me come in late to the party with you

Wasn’t that a funny line. Wanting others to see the person you’re with because of how much you loved them? Trent understood that. Whenever he would go anywhere with Chuck, he would always want people to know he was there with him- whether he realized it or not.

He could talk for hours about him. It could be the simple telling of a funny story, or gushing about how good he was in the ring. Or how great of a friend he was. That made Trent wonder about what Chuck would be like if they were together. His mind wandered, dreaming up scenarios and infinite possibilities as he pulled into his hotel’s parking garage.

The musing didn’t stop when he killed the engine, happily ending that fucking song that was starting to piss him off with how cute it was. Trent pushed himself out of the car, gathering his singular bag from the trunk and wandering inside through the rain. Which, if anyone was curious, was even worse than it was when he left. It was coming down in buckets now, being slung into the New Yorker’s face by the wind.

Checking in was easy enough, having the briefest of conversations with the man at the desk who happened to have a thick southern accent.

Chuck had an accent, but only when he drank a lot. It took about 3 and a half beers for it to come out, but by that point he didn’t care all that much to hide it. He wouldn’t be trashed, as he was a pretty solid drinker and had made putting strong shit back a hobby over the last few years. Trent knew exactly how it sounded, though. A smooth Kentucky accent that always caused him to punctuate the last word of his sentences and pronounce certain things differently. Never anything like “y’all” or something southern like that, after all Chuck wasn’t that dime store cowboy they worked with.

The thing Trent remembered the most about Chuck’s accent was how he said his name. He would draw it out, almost like he was whining, except it was low in his voice and always accompanied by a wide grin. One that’s toothy like Cheshire Cat, and annoyingly sweet like bubblegum. Trent idly wondered if he tasted like bubblegum too, but the thought turned vivid fantasy was interrupted for a moment by the elevator reaching his floor.

The brunette slowly approached his room, still partially entranced by the ideas he had created in his mind as he unlocked his door and slipped in. From there, it felt like he wasn’t even alive anymore. Not in a morbid sense, but as in he wasn’t participating in the concept of reality at that moment. Trent was so disconnected from his actions, it was almost as though he was outside of his body and looking in from somewhere else. So much so, that when he snapped out of his revere from his phone buzzing, he was lying in bed wearing only his boxers.

Not that what was on his phone was of any importance to him. All Trent saw were notifications for things he didn’t care about, the only thing sticking out was a short text from Orange sending him more condolences over his current “issue”. Damn, he was acting like someone had died, not his friend’s heart being broken. Trent didn’t bother responding, tossing the device back on the bedside table and rolling over to face away from it.

The alarm clock on the other stand read “10:17 p.m.”, blinking at him like the piece of shit was broken. It also only now occurred to Trent that he had never turned the lights on while he was basically astral projecting. So he was bathed in darkness, with the only illumination being that digital clock and the street lights below outside the window.

Was he going to fall asleep at a respectable time? Because deep in his bones he could feel the shroud of tiredness creeping through him from all of the emotional energy he drained today. And with that, Trent grabbed one of the unused pillows and wrapped himself around it, cuddling it tightly and not bothering to get under the bed covers.

Maybe if he tried hard enough, Trent could pretend the pillow was something else. --

Who in the hell was knocking at his door at - the New Yorker stopped his angry brain tirade to peek at the clock again - 11:53 at night? He had only gotten to sleep an hour and it was cut short by who knew what. If this was Orange coming to tell him he had broken another hotel microwave by “forgetting to take the metal spoon out of his mac and cheese”, Trent was going to fucking kill him.

Getting up from where he lay, Trent stumbled blearily across the room to the door. In those few seconds, it processed with him that his hair must have come untied while he was sleeping because it was messily draped around his shoulders. Among that, he was still only dressed in boxers, riding rather low on his hips. Maybe he had a restless sleep even though it was quick?

He didn’t care what he looked like though as he slowly pulled the door open with a yawn and blinked from the harsh light flooding in from the hallway. Trent prepared to open his mouth and berate his shorter friend when he heard a sniffle come from in front of him.

Chuck was standing on the other side of the doorway, soaking wet from the rain. By the look on his face, it seemed as though he had been crying as well, with red eyes and a running nose. His eyes didn’t meet Trent’s as he all but whispered, “H-hey, man.”

Did the longer haired brunette care that his friend was ice cold and drenched from head to toe? No. That was why without words, he dragged his friend into the room and hugged him tightly, letting the hotel door slip closed on its own. Chuck didn’t need to be told twice to hug back, nearly crushing Trent from the strength of his shaking arms.

They stayed like that for a good while, with Trent rubbing soothing circles into his back and letting him rest his head on his shoulder when he began to weep again. That was before he slowly drew back, silently taking Chuck’s hand and guiding him to his bed so he could sit. Trent grabbed the comforter and wrapped it around his friend, figuring he could just use a blanket later when he needed to sleep.

“I... didn’t even tell you- what’s wrong..?” murmured the Kentuckian, slouching in on himself and bringing his knees up so they were closer to his chest. He must have been really cold. Trent paused for a moment, looking with a pained yet sympathetic smile.

“Don’t need to. You’re upset, and I gotta fix that.” He wasn’t sure who hurt him, or even what, but just let it be known he was going to destroy whatever it was.

“Well, uh, t-thank you?”

“Yeah, dude. I-” Love you. “Care about you. You’re my friend and shit. Hurts to see you cry.” With that, Trent carefully maneuvered around Chuck and hopped off the bed to go rifle through his clothes for something dry he could wear. And- probably some pants for himself. When he first opened the door, he couldn’t help but notice Chuck gave him the slightest look up and down, with his cheeks going red afterwards. Trent assumed it was only because he was cold, and the warmth from his bedroom had fucked with his internal body temperature.

While digging through his bags trying to find some of the clothes he always packed for his friend - and if it were any other day than today, Trent would have told you it was because he was just being a nice guy. He knew better than that now. - Chuck began to talk again. “Date ditched me...”

“They didn’t show up?”

Chuck sighed. “No, she did. But- when her ex came around... She would’a rather been with him.”

Trent grabbed the extra clothes and stood, turning around to face Chuck who was staring off into the corner. Considering how already destroyed his heart already was from earlier, he was a bit surprised it still had a few more pieces that could shatter at this sight. Coming back over, he set the pile to one side of him, then sat back down on the other. “Chuck...”

“I don’t know what I expected? Every girl, or hell- every guy, I’ve ever tried to date has never worked out for me. I don’t get it.” Oh, Trent should not have been so happy to hear those words. Well, he wasn’t happy to hear most of them, and was hurting for his friend, but two of them in particular stuck out to him like a sore thumb. Every guy. That meant Chuck had been on dates with men. That meant, even though it was fucked up to think about this at the moment, that Trent still had a chance.

“You just haven’t found the right one, man. None of those assholes from before deserve you anyways.” Chuck brought his gaze back over to Trent, eyes glassy and expression- disbelieving. His hair was matted to his head, still wet in some places, but mostly stuck in small spots to his forehead. Everything else about him was still about the same caliber as that, slowly drying and clinging to parts of his body that weren’t being disrupted by the comforter.

“Or maybe I didn’t deserve them...” Something- came over Trent then. There wasn’t a word for the mix of emotions he felt upon hearing that. But what he could feel were his hands taking either side of his best friend’s face and holding his head up to where he would look him in the eyes.

“That’s not true, you and I both know that. Anyone in the world would be lucky to have you.”

Chuck honest to god laughed at that and tilted his head. “Name one person.”

Fuck. For all intents and purposes, the answer he desperately wanted to give was ‘Me’, but that never came out of his mouth. Instead, it was like Trent was suspended in fear, unable to say what he wanted for the thought of being rejected. Or somehow even worse, him thinking it was a joke and getting upset with him. So, Trent said nothing, trying to think of a different response that would be true, but didn’t give himself away.

That was the nail in the coffin, though. Chuck took his silence as an answer, unable to provide a single person who could possibly want to be with him. The other man shook Trent’s hands away from his face, hurt welling up in his eyes with a grimace as he moved to grab the clothes that were gotten for him.

“See,” Chuck hobbled to a standing position, holding the clean garments close to his sodden chest like it was going to protect him from the pain he was feeling. Trent, just say something, anything, he yelled to himself whilst watching Chuck shuffle over to the bathroom and pull the door open. He flicked his eyes down to the floor for a moment before coming back up and locking onto Trent’s. “No one could ever love me...”

“Chuck-” Trent was too late, Chuck had already disappeared into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. And God damn it, his stomach had sunk to the depth of his being, twisting and turning like he was going to be sick. He should have said something. Even if it meant ruining the only thing he really had left to care about. There was his job, his other friends, his family and that; and while they meant a lot to him as well, he truly believed in that moment, and probably for some while now, that Chuck was his world.

As goofy and kind of bullshit as it was to hear, that’s what he felt like. That this guy he’s known for a good chunk of his life was his sun, moon, and every star in the sky. And Trent knew he’s never felt that way about another person. He knew that no other person on this Earth - or fuck, any other planet - could beam at him when they pull an upset and win a match together like he could. No one else made his chest feel warm whenever they complimented him quite the same way that Chuck did. There wasn’t a soul who had the same giggle, the wit, the determination, the personality- fucking any of it. No one had quite what his best friend had, and that was why he loved him.

Trent had no idea how long Chuck was going to be in there, or if he was ever going to come out. Knowing him, he could stay in there all night, not wanting to face the world again- let alone his friend. Even still, he got up from where he was and placed himself a few paces away from his bathroom door. Within his head, he hyped himself up, vowing that no matter if he got scared or felt like everything was going to go wrong, the New Yorker was going to tell him the truth.

Approximately 4 minutes later - if you asked Trent it felt like 10 years - Chuck finally emerged from his hiding place, dressed in some of his friend’s clothes and with shockingly drier hair. Not sure why he was so surprised that he had run a towel through it or something, but that didn’t matter. The taller man seemed confused as to why Trent was standing at the door, but before he could ask what was happening, Trent said, “I do.”

Chuck squinted at him with a, “What?” but it came out choked off and shaky, like he wasn’t prepared to speak.

“You said no one could ever love you, and that’s not true. Because I love you,” He wanted to protest, but now that Trent was talking, he couldn’t stop. “And I didn’t realize it until today, but I seriously am so in love with you that I don’t think I could picture my life without you. You mean everything to me and I would do anything for you just to see your beautiful smile or hear you say my name. And I know it sounds like I’m lying and that I’m trying to make you feel better, but I’m not. If I think about it, I feel like I’ve loved you forever but never realized it, and I wish I could have known sooner. Because you need to know that you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and I would be the luckiest guy in the world to even have a chance with you-”

“Trent-”

“I love the way you purposefully send me a string of those stupid emojis over text because you know it annoys me. I love how you can make anyone feel better with just one smile and your passion for loving others. I love how much you love animals and how every dog you see, you consider kidnapping-'' Trent had become so caught up in his declaration that he hadn’t noticed his friend had moved from in front of him and Chuck’s lips were on his.

Before he could even do anything; not even get a gasp at the sudden action, Chuck was already pulling away, breathing as if he had just run a mile. His face was bright red and his hands were holding either of Trent’s arms as he searched his face for a reaction. Or anything really.

“I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-” It felt as though Trent was living in one of those shitty romantic comedies he secretly liked to watch, because he was the one who cut Chuck off while speaking with an somehow even more desperate kiss. He felt him respond almost instant, bringing one of his hands up to Trent’s face to cup it gently as his own arms latched cautiously onto Chuck’s hips. And that was where they stayed, for who knew how long, but every second of it was exactly where they wanted to be.

You know, of all days to have the life-changing realization that you’re secretly in love with your best friend, Trent - and Chuck for that matter - hadn’t expected it to happen on (the day after) Valentine’s Day.

[ducktracy]

50. one step ahead of my shadow (1933)

disclaimer: this is one of “those” shorts. i’m amazed at how this isn’t in the censored 11, but anyway: this review is going to have racist imagery and content depicting harmful stereotypes and caricatures. i don’t at all endorse these, i find them gross and wrong, but it would be just as wrong of me not to talk about them and act like everything’s fine. this is purely for informational/educational purposes, i mean no harm or ill intent whatsoever. if there’s anything i can do to make this easier to get through, and if i mess up and say something wrong, PLEASE tell me, your enjoyment is my priority. thank you for bearing with me.

release date: febuary 4th, 1933

series: merrie melodies

director: rudolf ising

starring: n/a

well, this is the 50th looney tunes short produced—5% of the way through! as you can tell by the title card, it’s... not a great way to celebrate the occasion. several chinese residents play music, while a pesky dragon puts the shindig in jeopardy.

open to the streets of china, busy and bustling... with stereotypes. there are some gags of various people crossing the street, including an overweight man, mice carrying an outhouse (haven’t seen the mickey facsimiles in awhile!), a man using his ponytail as a bell while riding his bike, another man driving a trolley labeled “shanghai express” with his hair as the connecting cable, and various men in a matryoshka of pots going “ha-cha-cha-cha!”, referencing jimmy durante. jimmy durante would be a relatively popular reference point in looney tunes, the entirety of a gruesome twosome revolving around a jimmy durante cat. baby bottleneck also entails a (drunk) jimmy durante stork who says he’s “disgustipated”—i’ve worked that one into my daily vocabulary.

two men greet each other, saying in a stereotypical african american voice (two stereotypes in one!) “oh, hello there, amos.” “hello there, andy! how is ya?”, referring to the radio minstrel show amos ‘n andy. well... the background music’s good. that’s about the best thing i can say for this entire short.

cut to a little boy in a boat, rowing down a river, aided by a swan who’s periodically feasting on some fish. i didn’t even notice it at first (because i was busy thinking about how offensive this cartoon was LOL), but one final time the swan ducks its head beneath the water, and a fish comes up instead. the fish opens its mouth and quacking resonates deep within its gullet. satisfied, the fish licks his lips. well, there might be something funny about this cartoon after all! i love how creative that is. how morbid! the boy then launches into a rendition of “one step ahead of my shadow”, complete in a disturbingly cringeworthy stereotypical voice.

a girl overhears his singing and pokes her head out from the balcony, and the two launch into a duet. positives in this cartoon are sparse, but one of them is backgrounds. i’m in love with those trees (though i associate cherry blossoms more with japan than i do china)! the backgrounds have certainly improved in the past few years, and they’ll continue to grow more beautiful. i’ll always love the lushness of the 30s and 40s backgrounds more than the stylized UPA look of the 50s and 60s, sorry WB! though chuck jones did some nice backgrounds that were relatively flat in the 40s (my favorite duck comes to mind).

the boy gets on land and pushes a swing up to the balcony where the girl is at. she hops on, and together the boy pushes the girl affectionately, running to opposite sides to push her while almost getting knocked over. i say 2020 is the year we bring this back, showing your affections by pushing your loved one on a swing. let’s make it happen!

as if the stereotypes couldn’t get more dehumanizing, we cut to a man pulling a chinese aristocrat on a cart, neighing like a horse. yeesh. more stereotypes abound as the aristocrat uses a pencil sharpener to sharpen his ridiculously long fingernails. they hit a rock and the aristocrat is sent flying, pulling the retractable part of the buggy with him and fashioning a stairway for him to hop back on. once they reach their destination, somehow the racism gets even MORE dehumanizing with the aristocrat placing a feedbag around the man’s neck. this would make for a funny gag if it were not so blatantly racist and dehumanizing. like what about some yokel farmer or something? or even funnier would be a fancy assistant dressed in a limo driver’s attire. funny gag with good potential, but it really isn’t funny at all, either.

there are some musicians inside playing some music, which the aristocrat hates. he declares that he’ll show them how to play the “american way” (😬😬😬) and plays a solo on his clarinet. he and a few unsavory backup singers sing the eponymous song, with some more racist gags like a guy’s teeth being used as a xylophone.

the lovebirds overhear the music and decide to join in the festivities... but so does a dragon. he melts the bars of his cage with his fiery breath and sneaks inside. the dragon corners the girl, and we get some neat closeup shots on the dragon baring its teeth. the boy comes to the aid of his sweetheart, brandishing a sword, but the dragon disarms him with ease, sending the couple running. the music score is nice and jazzy here—again, probably the best part of the cartoon.

with some quick thinking, the boy shoves a box of fireworks into the belly of the beast. look at his eyes for the first second or so—i love that! reminds me of my man joe murray. the dragon bucks around uncontrollably as it expels fireworks into the room. one of them lands in a fish tank, turning the fish into skeletons.

the fish aren’t the only skeletons around. eventually, the dragon explodes, and its bones reassemble to form a skeleton. the dragon heads for the hills as the boy and girl are commended for their bravery. iris out.

i think you already know how i feel about this cartoon LOL. an abundance of gross caricatures and stereotypes and blatant racism aside, it’s a flat cartoon. it’s not very interesting or funny. the music is good, and the backgrounds are pretty, and i like the animation of the dragon, but that’s about all i can say for this cartoon. whew. obviously, i don’t think i’ll be watching this one again anytime soon, and i don’t recommend it unless you’re deathly curious. i suppose it’d be good (not really GOOD but you know) to watch for historical and educational purposes, but for entertainment, nada.

link just because i put links for every cartoon, view at your own discretion.

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: It’s A Miserable Life

An attempt to save a neighborhood tree somehow results in the death of the Girls’ most misanthropic neighbor. The Girls decide to pay for her funeral.

Picture It...

The Girls all meet up in the living room to compare numbers -- they’re trying to get the residents of Richmond Street to sign a petition to save a 200-year-old oak tree, which the city wants to cut down to widen the street. Rose is upset because she tried and failed to get the signature of Mrs. Claxton, their misanthropic neighbor on whose property the tree is growing. Despite the Girls agreeing that Mrs. Claxton’s just a terrible human being, Rose is convinced there’s some good in everyone, telling a St. Olaf story to make her point. She’s going to be extra nice to Mrs. Claxton to get her signature.

SOPHIA: *as the Girls run into the kitchen* Boy, that was a close call. BLANCHE: If I have to listen to one more story about the colorful people from St. Olaf, I think I’ll explode. ROSE: *coming in* Ernest T. Minky was St. Olaf’s librarian... BLANCHE: Kaboom.

Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia arrive at the courthouse to block the proposal and discuss their options. Sophia wants to bribe the commissioners, which Dorothy and Blanche shoot down. Blanche, however, did sleep with two of them (but, to borrow a line from a later episode, she probably would have anyway). Rose appears and proudly announces that, through persistent application of delicious Danishes, she managed to extract a promise from Mrs. Claxton to save the tree.

Mrs. Claxton arrives at that moment and the Girls attempt to be friendly. Mrs. Claxton quickly proves her reputation is entirely deserved when she tells Blanche she’s taking blackmail pictures of her bedroom activities, which she can see through binoculars, and makes a snide comment about Dorothy’s comparatively inactive bedroom. She quickly goes back on her word to Rose, and says she only said she’d help to get the Danish. She even says straight to Rose’s face that she hates her assumption that she just needed to be shown some kindness to change her mind.

In the courtroom, the Girls attempt to present their petition to save the tree, only for Mrs. Claxton to shout them down, being as nasty to them as possible. Rose finally snaps and lets loose on Mrs. Claxton, who has the audacity to look shocked at Rose’s shouting. She says she’s done indulging Mrs. Claxton and tells her to sit still while the rest of the neighbors have their say, finishing with, “And if you don’t like it, just drop dead.” When she walks away, Mrs. Claxton promptly collapses to the ground, and Sophia confirms that the old woman apparently took Rose at her word.

Two days later, Rose is moping in the kitchen, convinced her shouting at Mrs. Claxton was what killed her. Dorothy tries to comfort her, saying that the woman was 83 and just had a heart attack. Blanche also attempts to comfort her, saying she should just have a cry at the funeral. Rose says there won’t be a funeral, which neither Blanche nor Dorothy are too broken up about, given how awful she was. Blanche tells a story about faking her death as a teenager just to see how many people showed up at her funeral.

SOPHIA: What’s everybody talking about? DOROTHY: Ma, I can honestly say I have no idea. ROSE: We started out talking about Mrs. Claxton’s funeral. DOROTHY: Yeah, but somewhere along the way we segued into Blanche: The Miniseries.

Sophia comes in and asks when Mrs. Claxton’s funeral is going to be, and they’re surprised she wants to go. She says it doesn’t matter how horrible Mrs. Claxton was -- going to the funeral shows regard for human life. When they point out that Mrs. Claxton had no friends or relatives and so won’t have a funeral, Sophia says they should pay for it for the same reason. They all agree to go in on the funeral.

At the Forever Peaceful funeral home, the Girls confer with Mr. Pfeiffer (the “P” is not silent) about the funeral arrangement -- he initially thinks they’re planning ahead for “mother” (meaning Sophia). He tries to give them the hard sell on the most expensive casket in the house, but they balk at the $6,000 price tag. They finally settle on an inexpensive pine box for Mrs. Claxton. They decide on a Friday night funeral based on the TV schedule and leave.

ROSE: *about Blanche* You’ll have to excuse her. Funeral homes make her a little nervous. MR. PFEIFFER: Golly, they used to make me nervous too. At a traditional funeral home, all they want to talk about is caskets, burials, dead people. Here at Forever Peaceful we’ve gotten rid of all that morbid death stuff. SOPHIA: What are you running here, a sushi bar?

Friday night, the girls are sitting in the pews at the otherwise empty funeral. Rose is surprised that no one else came, but just as they’re about to leave, a woman shows up who claims the deceased was a dear friend. She gives a heartfelt eulogy about the virtues of the dead woman, and the Girls are tearing up, until the woman says the name “Celia Rubenstein.” She’s at the wrong funeral, and kicks the casket when she finds out whose funeral it really is. Rose runs out in tears, and Mr. Pfeiffer walks in with a golden urn and reveals Mrs. Claxton was cremated by mistake. Now the Girls have to take her home.

Later, Blanche is convinced that Mrs. Claxton’s ghost is haunting the house -- it was actually Sophia. Rose comes home and reveals that she found a place to put Mrs. Claxton’s ashes: She spread them at the base of the old oak tree and told the committee they can’t disturb the old woman’s final resting place, so it looks like they won’t cut the tree down. They go out to gaze at the oak tree.

SOPHIA: What are you all looking at? DOROTHY: That beautiful, old oak tree, Ma. ROSE: Mrs. Claxton’s spirit’s part of that tree now, Sophia. SOPHIA: That’s really lovely. *looks at the base of the tree* And it’s touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects.

“Hey P-Feiffer, how would you like a punch in your P-Face?”

Rose headlines this excellent, memorable episode about the value of life, which has some of the best scenes in the series. It may not have a B-plot to speak of, but it doesn’t really need one when all the Girls play such a balanced role in the episode. I really can’t overstate how good everyone is in this episode, from Sophia’s outward apathy masking internal softness, to Blanche’s funeral home jitters, to Dorothy’s struggle with the name P-Feiffer. The brief appearance of the excellent Nan Martin at Freida Claxton is the cherry on top.

This marks the second time Rose has been in close proximity to someone who’s died and blamed herself for it (the first being Al from “In a Bed of Roses”). This time it’s funnier because we see the character die onscreen -- that doesn’t sound like it should be funnier, but it is. Nan Martin’s two-scene performance makes Mrs. Claxton’s death funny if only because she’s just the worst, and Martin’s clearly having a blast playing her.

DOROTHY: *about Sophia’s bribery attempts* And don’t tell us that’s how you got things done in Sicily. SOPHIA: That’s not how we got things done in Sicily. Bribing people with money is how we got things done in New York. In Sicily, you cut off a horse’s head and put it somebody’s bed. BLANCHE: Sophia, you’re making that up. SOPHIA: Like hell. Our garbage commissioner, Fredo Lombardi, went on strike once. He woke up the next morning sharing a pillow with National Velvet. At 7 a.m. he was out cleaning the street with his tongue.

The other Girls aren’t wrong when they describe Mrs. Claxton in horrible terms, and Rose’s insistence that there must be some good in her is thoroughly punctured, not just in the courtroom but during her empty funeral. As funny as it is to see the Claxton clashes, poor Rose gets a big knock on her positive worldview, which adds a hint of sadness to the episode, even if she does improve by the end of the episode after she spreads the ashes.

There’s even one serious moment where Mrs. Claxton tells Rose that she hates that Rose assumed that just because she lived alone, that she must want “company and a few kind words.” This tendency of Rose to try and insert her sunny demeanor into the lives of people who neither like it or want it will come back to bite her later. As nasty as Mrs. Claxton is, she’s not wrong that Rose assuming she must be a lonely, misunderstood person is kind of patronizing.

ROSE: Oh Sophia, I think you’re a wonderful person. It’s a lovely idea to share Mrs. Claxton’s funeral expenses equally. SOPHIA: Equally? I figure your share should be about half. After all, you’re the one who killed her.

The question of whether Mrs. Claxton’s life was pointless because she didn’t have anyone who cared about her is a bit of a thorny one, and definitely not something I think Mrs. Claxton herself would have cared about. But the episode makes it clear that it’s not a philosophical or moral question -- it’s only important in the episode because it’s important to soft-hearted Rose. And even though the use of her ashes to protect the oak tree they were originally trying to save is a little trite, I do think it works because at least one of the Girls -- Sophia -- isn’t taking the whole thing very seriously.

The tree is also a nice plot point. We’ve seen the Girls describe their charitable endeavors before, most notably in “Flu Attack.” Here we see them actually doing their charity work, in this case saving a 200-year-old tree. All four of the Girls are part of the endeavor, even though Blanche can only get men to sign up for the petition one at a time the old-fashioned way, and Sophia put the names of a few dead people on the petition.

To harp on my favorite topic, the episode is very fairly balanced, with each of the four Girls having almost equal screentime. Sophia’s role as the person who badmouths Mrs. Claxton the most and yet encourages the others to pay for the funeral because she feels bad for her.  Remember what I said weeks ago about how the show gives the least active member of the cast a big monologue in the middle of the episode to keep it even? In this case it’s Blanche with her long, ridiculous monologue about how she faked her death at age 15 because she wasn’t crowned Miss Magnolia Blossom. This time Dorothy even lampshades it by saying she has no idea how they got to that topic.

The comedy really culminates during the funeral scene, when an unnamed mourner shows up and speaks about the deceased in glowing terms, speaking about her anonymous charitable work and giving the Girls the brief impression that Mrs. Claxton was secretly the greatest person. Then she discovers that she’s in the wrong funeral, and when she discovers that the funeral is for Freida Claxton, delivers a kick to the casket in the ultimate wordless indicator of exactly how bad of a person Mrs. Claxton was.

I feel like Forever Peaceful is really lucky the Girls didn’t actually like Mrs. Claxton, because cremating someone who was supposed to be buried is a lawsuit waiting to happen (not that I’m a lawyer, but still). Also, I know they had to do it for story/comedy reasons, but I’m not sure why they gave the ashes to the Girls. Presumably they’ve already paid for the casket and the plot in which Mrs. Claxton was to be interred -- why not just pop the urn in the casket and bury it that way? 

But I have no regrets about its inclusion, because the scene where the Girls confer with Mr. P-Feiffer about the funeral arrangements is one of the funniest scenes in the whole series. Everything from the strangeness of the name to the Girls rejecting his hard sell to the decision not to have the funeral on Thursday because it conflicts with the Cosby Show is just solid comedy gold.

DOROTHY: Thank you, Rose. That was a wonderful story. ROSE: I’m only half-done. SOPHIA: I passed a kidney stone once that was less painful than this.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is the first instance of a St. Olaf story being acknowledged as such. Rose has told scattered stories of the other residents of her hometown in Minnesota before, but this is the first time the other Girls give such a strong, disgusted reaction to it, even running out of the room in an attempt to escape hearing about the life of Ernest T. Minky. This is the reaction they’ll generally have to the stories of St. Olaf throughout the rest of the series, and it’s hilarious every time.

Episode rating: 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰 (five cheesecake slices out of five)

Favorite part of the episode:

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 58

My grandma Betty died. I was sitting in my bedroom upstairs one evening, when I heard the phone ring. There was a vent in my room so I could always hear a little bit of what was going on downstairs. I heard my father gasp, and then he seemed to be sobbing. The conversation was brief, and I already knew what it had to be. I couldn't help feeling badly for the guy. Despite the fact that he really was a terrible person to me in some respects, he lost a lot in a year's time. First, Patti – his then recently separated ex girlfriend had killed herself, and then his mother died. I think in a lot of ways my grandma kept my father emotionally grounded, and with her gone from the world, I believe my father felt very much alone – ungrounded.

I am thankful that her death was not a terribly slow or painful one. She had just begun exhibiting the signs of having cancer. She had chainsmoked her entire life since she was twenty-two. She also had a bad heart. Had she not suffered a stroke that killed her instantaneously, she might very well have suffered for a few years in a slow battle with cancer. I guess her and Gayle had gone out to eat at a Chinese restaurant that evening – their favorite, and they ate to their heart's content. Afterwards, they had gone to the movies, a sentimental corny movie most likely, where a lost young person finds their purpose in life by rescuing an animal that shows them how to be a better person and care again. The kind of movie my grandma always bought me for Christmas. She came home, listened to her favorite Celine Dion Titanic theme song, washed up, and began watching public television till she dozed off. At some point in the night while she was asleep she had the stroke, and she died almost immediately. I know this probably sounds awful for me to say, but I mean it with a sincere sense of compassion – it could have been so much worse.

The next week we traveled down to Ontario Oregon to connect with the family. It would be the last time I ever saw the extended family on my father's side. It was also at this very same time, that there was another family ordeal. Basically, my uncle Bob got caught in a sting operation for buying child pornography. I guess I failed to mention that this had happened sometime around Christmas. Looking back, I am so terribly glad I didn't end up living with him and my aunt Marty. Who knows what could have happened to me, and I remember distinctly feeling weird about my uncle, even though he technically never did anything inappropriate. He was the professional of the family, and I felt that we were supposed to look up to him – so hearing about what he was guilty of was a surprise – though I was told he was getting put in prison for tax evasion at first – not for buying pedophilia. The double secret life he was living was horrendous and disgusting and I believe I felt it off of him in very subtle ways when I had been down there to visit about a year and a half before he thankfully was caught. This little matter of feeling a strange energy off of him gave me insight that I should trust my instincts about people – particularly predatory men – but anyone. He ended up getting six years in prison – becoming an extremely talented artist – he could of course never go back into the field of education – and he is not allowed on the internet. He eventually remarried. My father keeps in touch with him, but most of the family has emotionally disconnected with him. I personally don't feel all that compelled to talk to him or visit, for very obvious reasons. You can't look at child pornography and not see clear as day the devastating reality of it all. It's staring you straight in the face. If you view that stuff to get off, you are sick.

Some of the family felt that my grandma finding out that her son had been arrested and was a sex offender was what broke her. I personally think it was just a life of smoking and eating 50's canned goods and watching soap operas. My adult cousins were down there. My aunt Gayle was a wreck. My uncle Steve and half uncle Adam were there, as well as my aunt Sylvia. We had rented a hotel. There wasn't going to be a funeral, as my grandma felt they were phony and gaudy. We all at one point went into my grandmother's apartment one last time. I thought a lot about the kindness she had shown me as a child. In a lot of ways, my grandma was a much softer person than both my parents, who were/are both far more chaotic, brutal, funnier, abusive and contradictory in nature. My grandma Betty was no survivor – she lived in fear – which is why she never learned how to drive. I remembered watching Bob Ross with her, and holding her hand and pushing on her protruding veins in her hands and wrists for fun. Even though the stuff she sent me for holidays was kind of awful – bad Christmas themed pajamas and such, she always remembered. She remembered every single person's birthday. She bought literally everyone Valentine's Day stuff, Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, and Christmas boxes – no matter how many family members she had to send them off to.

I looked for, and found this cat that always hung off the side of the couch. It was where she often kept her smokes, her TV guide, reading glasses and such. Nobody wanted them. Nobody wanted the cat things used to prevent cat toys from rolling underneath the refrigerator, so I took that too. And since nobody wanted them, I was given her entire Stephen King collection – about thirty or forty hardbacks that I took with me back to the hotel and began reading. We went out to eat somewhere – a buffet. My aunt Gayle was totally a mess. I felt kind of mean – and perhaps I was mean, but I couldn't help wondering what she had expected. Losing a parent is devastating – but there was some part of her behavior that was sensationalized and attention seeking. She was sincerely upset and lost without her mother, and I think even the attention seeking was a sign or that devastation. She obviously needed to be comforted, and I would never suggest that a person stew I their misery. But she seemed to revert back to being a child. A very loud child who wildly looked around the room for attention. She began sobbing and crying very loud in the restaurant for instance because she saw a fork – and I guess that forks now reminded  her of my grandmother's death – which seemed very put on to me. Other family members were silent for the most part. My father was seeming to hold it together okay. In a way, I almost think my father's resilience is his undoing. He can't really break when he needs to – survival simply won't allow it, and it almost seems to make him a bit crazy.

Watching all these people cope with the death of our beloved mother/grandma Betty, I worried about what it would be like when my beloved family members in the future would begin dropping off someday. It really hadn't occurred to me before – not that I wasn't aware of death. But now it seemed like a very practical reality and less of a concept. I decided to prepare myself for that day – so that I didn't react like aunt Gayle, and felt safe to consider everyone half dead already. Most of the human beings who had ever existed were already dead anyway. I know that sounds morbid, but if you remind yourself daily that the people around you are conscious meat sacks that can be squished, or malfunction at any given time, you not only prepare yourself for the day coming when it happens, but you are also appreciating the time you have with those people and how you treat them – since their mortality becomes more real to you. We have to get the most out of our connections with the people in our lives. What 'the most' is can be very subjective, but whatever is there to be gained from one another, it's an intrinsic part or our life's purpose to get it and to fully appreciate the mystery of knowing one another in the limited time and circumstances that we have.

On the way back from my Ontario, perhaps as a sign that I was very capable of being an insensitive teenager, I listened to The White Stripes very loudly in the car. Eventually my father had to tell me he couldn't emotionally take it right now, and he turned it down. I felt like a complete jerk. He had just lost his mother, and I was already just enjoying music and whathaveyou. When we got back home, we never really ended up visiting again. My father basically cut contact with Gayle. I don't know why. It didn't seem kind to me. Sure, they were never close. She could be annoying, but cutting ties with her kind of freaked me out. She hadn't done anything wrong. What's more, he still talked to our uncle Bob. He didn't talk to him for about four years granted, but he talks to him now – I don't care, except why has he decided never to speak to Gayle. I am really unclear about why that is. I have at times felt compelled to personally reach out to them, only I have been given the very strong impression over the years that they have little to no interest in who I am now that I am an adult – and the same goes for my siblings. There was always this weird sense with me that – since my mother was somehow a very obvious flawed human being that somehow she tainted the bloodline on my father's side and therefore we are of less quality.

On the last day of school, we took a trip to a strange special little exclusive resort called Boyer Beach. It was difficult to get to, and wasn't particular fancy – just a beach with some trees and buildings that weren't open for another month, since it was several miles up the Clearwater River. There was only one strange road to get to it, as there wasn't a road on that side of the river, you had to go several miles around to get to the one road that came back down. I remember sitting on the bus as it drove us down the small windy downhill path, and I began studying my feelings in a way I hadn't thought to. I felt depressed – but I chose not to blame anyone. It's instinctual when you feel pain that won't go away to want to blame someone. I recognized that I was feeling the urge to be angry at Sarah, but rather than say anything or let myself react emotionally – I just sat there and reflected on it. It felt counter intuitive, but I just did it anyway. And the more I reflected on it, the more I realized that I wasn't even angry – not really. I felt abandoned – and there might have been some reasonable justification for that – but I also understood that there was very little I could do about it. All those times I had become lathered up and convinced I was angry, I had actually just been sad. Feeling angry had made me feel like I was in control of my life and of the world around me. It made me feel justified. Really I was just a lost person. I felt disappointed and powerless – which made a lot more sense. There was nothing I could now do about the way my life was going. And as I realized this, the rage seemed to disintegrate. I felt like crying – there was a lump in my throat the entire day, but the blind anger was gone. I was calm the entire time, and Sarah and I managed to make naked people out of sand on the beach and have a good day.

Sarah and I ended up getting invited to Samantha's house that early summer soon after, which ended up being a strange night. Samantha's brother – the one who used to prank call me was there. I think Adam, Sam's boyfriend was there as well. We watched a really dumb movie called The Boy Next Door. And then everyone went out to the living room to play Super Smash Bros. It was sort of a ritual that everyone did at Sam's house – though I rarely participated and if I did I always chose Kirby. At some point in the night, either Sarah or I left a drawer open. Samantha's dad Steve came home drunk, saw that the drawer was left open, and started becoming wigged out and violent. Sam's dad was the kind of person to beat someone if lids weren't perfectly put on, if drawers and cupboards weren't completely shut. He was/is a horrible person, and it was baffling and startling to even try to imagine what it must have been like being raised by this guy. Samantha and Jake looked humiliated and nervous. Jake stood up eventually and took the blame for it – even though it had most likely not been the one who had done it. I don't remember what Steve yelled at Jake, but it was horrible and abusive, and though I couldn't see it, I heard scuffling in the kitchen of Steve trying to beat Jake up. I think Jake managed to shove his father and I remember him yelling 'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TRIED THIS IN FRONT OF THEM!!'. I felt badly. And I guess when I saw how things in this household, it was easier for me to understand why he had gone above and beyond to make life difficult for me at school.

Steve ended up leaving again thankfully, and we tried to play poker and pretend nothing had happened. I never got the hang of poker. From what I remember, I never had a hand I could play. So I spent the entire time trying to understand how to play without having any options.

Sarah's boyfriend Alex was coming to visit mid June for the first time, which basically meant that I only had about two weeks left to hang out with Sarah for the summer. After that, she would basically be around – but kind of not there. She wanted to spend the whole summer alone with Alex. She halfheartedly told me we would hang out sometimes, but it didn't seem very likely to me. And we both knew that after the summer she was moving to Texas. So for those two weeks, I swallowed every bit of disappointment I could swallow, and I tried to just enjoy being Sarah's friend in the moment. It was basically pointless to be angry anymore, as unfair as it all ended up for me. She had made her choice. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated, and I wanted her to understand fully that I was devastated. But my options were nil, and thinking about my own future was extremely unpleasant to me. The only thing I had to hold onto was the idea that some magical thing might become of me somehow. I didn't even know if I wanted to stay in school anymore. I didn't feel like I had any real talent. I could barely go into a grocery store without having a strong nervous reaction. How was I going to cope with being on my own?

To make matters worse, I remember Samantha asking Sarah 'What's Renee going to do without you Sarah?'. She asked it condescendingly. There was some truth to it which made it all the more frustrating – what was I going to do? But to a degree, I felt like people filled in a lot of blanks about me, and Sarah. Her meaning, behind the surface was to point out that I was weak, or that I couldn't form an opinion, and was incapable of growth – I was the helpless mooch. Sarah shrugged, and knew better than to insult me, and probably feeling guilty, wanted to hope for all the best concerning what would become of me.

My mom had somehow temporarily been able to rent the Nye's house again – the one Danny had us move out of for a few months. They were on their way to selling the place I guess, and were allowing us to stay there for the time being until someone came along. And it kind of ended up being a bit of a shitshow this time around. Germaine (remember her?), from the first house my mom moved into after the divorce was moved in there for some reason. I guess she found my mom bartending and she herself needed a place to stay and asked if she could stay at my mom's place. So, she moved into one of the rooms. She was a drunken narcissistic mess as always – I realized even more nearly a decade later what a truly annoying woman she was. And she had this strange deadbeat guy who she called her boyfriend there too. He was small, thin, had long black hair pulled into a ponytail and a beard. He looked filthy, and didn't say a word. He would sit outside at night against the house for hours. His eyes drifted strangely.

For whatever reason, Maria was homeless too, so she was staying there with her kids. I hadn't truly realized any of this, and had I, Sarah and I would not have decided to visit. The house smelled bad. What's more, my mom was on some kind of strange rage kick. She was acting aggressively towards Maria, finding any cheap thing to criticize her over. She kept making fun of Maria's suicide attempts. In old cartoons it is common for the sleeping character's soul to come out of their body in some kind of astral projection/ghost form, and run amok. I knew I couldn't just smash my mother's face in, but my ghost-self would do just that, and I envisioned angrily knocking her to the ground and forcing her to apologize. My mother can be this horrid  cruel person that you never want to see again. She wants to hurt people – Maria being the easiest person to hurt. She liked pushing Maria to a point of harming herself. And my mother also thrives with chaos. So if things are working well, she finds ways to undermine that. She was being that person completely that night. Sarah had never seen my mother like that, I don't think.

What ended up happening was that in the early evening Chantelle, Maria's two and a half year old daughter was sick with a high fever over 100 degrees and she wouldn't stop sobbing. My mom had been storming around screaming at everyone, but she set her sights on Chantelle. She dragged Chantelle by the wrists and began screaming psychotically in Chantelle's face. Of course, Chantelle was a deliriously sick two year old with a fever, and she couldn't and wouldn't stop crying. My mom then started accusing her of faking it. Maria, stepped in of course to defend her toddler, and my mom started screaming at Maria saying she should kill herself if she can't figure her life out. Maria started crying and arguing about something petty. At this point, I stepped in. I couldn't just stand there and watch my mom do her thing. Plus, Chantelle was a little child and wasn't fair game in my book. I told her to knock it off in some form or another. So she turned her total attention on me and began screaming at me – saying I had ruined her life, had prevented her from sleeping (I think she was probably hung over since Germaine was there). I wasn't quite there yet, but I had started reaching a tipping point with what I could handle of screaming and intense meaningless anger. I felt like I was either going to implode, or explode. In either case, my sudden intense feeling of frustration and rage was enough to turn off a good portion of my brain. I was afraid I would simply shove my mother to the floor and begin pounding her face – but at the same time I knew I couldn't do that. My mom almost had a twinkle of joy in her eye – as she could see she was getting an effect.

Then Germaine came out of her bedroom. She had been hung over as well, but had just started her second round of drinking. She sounded like the wicked witch of the west, and had those curling things in her hair. She came out and began screeching at me about how I was to RESPECT MY MOTHER NO MATTER WHAT!!! and that I had somehow been brainwashed by my father to try to destroy my poor mother – which was beyond absurd. I felt like she just wanted in on the action since she had always disliked me but hadn't had a good chance to get involved. The two snarling mean spirited bitches were both hollering at me, and I had to get away then and there, else I would have killed the both of them with my hands or a kitchen knife. I ran out the door crying hysterically. Sarah following me in a state of shock. This resembled absolutely nothing of what she had ever been raised in, and I think it was hard for her to fully imagine having such a wretched mother. Of course, Germaine's creepy boyfriend was hanging around outside the house, seemingly unaffected by any of the fight, and I just ran past him.

We ended up sitting in the gravel a ways from the house. By this time it was night. Sarah hugged me and said she was sorry. I explained to her in a state of misery that this was what I had to look forward to without her being around anymore. It was a true and realistic statement, and at this point my pains and woes were not theoretical anymore. The reality was, that when Sarah left, this essentially was what I could look forward to at random intervals from both my mother and father – in their own styles of course. There would be no escaping to Sarah's house anymore. There would be no good times for me. Despite the fact that Sarah and I fought, she really was a great joy of mine to have. She was my only friend, and the only person who remotely understood me. She may have been kind of self centered and empty headed, but she was endlessly patient with me – and I think she had done the best she could. For all her faults, I had troubles imagining anyone else really actually getting it. She seemed like the only person in the world that actually liked me. And of course, there wasn't an answer. I just cried until, as I talked, I said something funny, and then I laughed and somehow carried on. We ended up driving back home that night.

Three weeks later, Germaine's creepy boyfriend ended up murdering someone. Germaine dumped him a week later, and I guess he must have immediately found another woman to date, because he strangled her to death. My brother reflected recently on the fact that my mom was leaving Allison and David to be watched by this guy. David played video games with this creep alone in a house with him. A testament to my mother's observant parenting skills.

My father, all that year had dated numerous women online. He was trying to fill a void left by Patti, and maybe that void in general that exists with everyone. He even flew down to California to talk to one woman named Suzanna. The names of these women I know vaguely – they failed to make a real mark, the majority of them. They were all my father's world for a month and then they were replaced. I learned to not even think about them anymore, and online dating seemed incredibly unpleasant to me. I never hated any of these women. Most of them heard lies about me and never met me in person, and when they did they approached me with clueless friendliness masking underlying judgment. It didn't feel particularly like anyone involved was really connecting. There was probably twenty or thirty of them – and it never lasted. Tanya, the woman he dated for six months during the summer and fall of 2006, was probably one of my favorites. She was the only girlfriend of his that seemed to actually like me, or understand me even a little bit.

Tanya lived in Spokane, and my father wanted her to meet us. Part of my father's shtick – not that it was altogether inaccurate was that of the single father raising children alone. This wasn't a lie exactly - if you exclude the abuse towards me in my earlier teens and all throughout. But it was used as a corny agenda in order to show women how sensitive he really was, since many father's choose not to  be involved with their children and all that. It was all rather phony to me. He also lied about his height. To be fair, I honestly believe that he believed this stuff about himself and about our family. He had sort of erased any wrongdoing he had ever done from his own mind concerning beating me up that one time. He was able to justify and ignore just about anything regarding him expressing violence towards me. And truly, what good would it have done to try to tell these women different? Honestly, most of them were hoping he would pay a bill or two, which he often did and then they would break up with him for someone else they were talking to online. It was a very shallow world. People were afraid of being lonely – and truly – to each their own, but I can't think of anything more lonely than these brief relationships – if you want to call them that.

We first met Tanya in this sort of wannabe Hard Rock Cafe in Spokane. It was night time, the place was loud and my father was nervous. She didn't look at me with judgment and she seemed fairly together and reserved. I liked her overall. At first I was a little insulted because she compared me to Kelly Osbourne – which mostly insulted me since I thought Kelly Osbourne was a little bit campy and was a spoiled brat, but I probably shouldn't have taken it as nearly as insulting as it was not meant as such. We stayed at her place for one night. Her two sons were little hellions – and I could tell she never reprimanded them for anything. All they wanted to do was break things and pull their pants down. They screamed and tore things apart. Allison, David and I slept in her living room watching the first Narnia movie. The next day, Tanya pulled out her collection of Anne Rice novels. She gave me a few of them. She thought I would like them. I guess she had once been the goth of her high school and she wanted to be supportive of me as she felt I was a goth – though I still don't think that I actually was. I had dyed my hair dark again, and whenever I wear my natural hair color I have always been told I looked like a goth since my skin is pale and I like to wear a lot of make up sometimes.

The next day we went to this amusement park of sorts that was in the middle of Spokane near some rivers. It was sort of surreal for me being there, since I had sudden memories of having been there as a child in the early nineties, back when I guess that place had been rather busy. We got on the merry-go-round that I remember riding around when I was one and a half or two back when my parents had just gotten married and had gone up to Spokane for a shopping spree. Everyone was walking around together – me, my siblings Allison and David, Tanya, my father, but it was starting to strongly occur to me that even though people look like they are together, they really are a million miles apart in reality. Nobody was in solidarity here. We weren't a family – or at least, I was not a part of them. I wasn't apart of anyone anymore. I was beginning to feel incredibly alienated. These relationship dynamics were beginning to stick out in my mind everywhere that I went. I would see two people holding hands or kissing, and I couldn't help but notice in conversation they had nothing in common. Neither person actually knew what the other one was going through.

Tanya came to our house one more time a month later, but I wasn't around the house for very long. She might have been trying to scope out to see what my father's home was like. Because in conversation, we lived a Queen Ann style mansion (for it's time) styled home built in 1889, and considered a historical site by the state of Idaho. In reality, the house was this awkward cold place we made worse, and it had numerous issues. Going inside, it was very apparent that we weren't rich, but it might have seemed as though we were from conversations my father had on the phone. My father had this neck massaging thing. Basically, it had these two finger like things on either side of the place where you put your neck, and this machine would turn on and these things would vibrate and rotate around – an attempt to simulate a massage. I remember going downstairs at one point, and Tanya's boys were down there and in broad daylight, right in front of everyone, the were pulling down their pants trying to make the thing touch their privates – which was embarrassing for Tanya and awkward for all of us. These boys were ten and eleven years old, and I couldn't imagine doing what they were doing at that age. Anyway, Tanya eventually broke it off with him sometime after that – though I don't remember why, or how long after. Still, I always regarded her positively. She was never unkind to any of us.

My father had this new social life too. On top of buying absurd amounts of speakers and talking to random women online, he was starting to hang out with this guy named John who made Nickelback styled music in Clarkston – letting John borrow his speakers in hopes to play bass in his band. He also started working part time and semi for free for a friend of his back in the 80's named Rob who was starting a granite business that custom cut granite and other stone and installed it in people's kitchens and bathrooms. My father, as he was learning how to make granite smooth and polished, started collecting the scrap granite and making these weird granite cutting boards out of it, which he would sell cheaply to whoever wanted one. So there were granite cutting boards all over the place as well as speakers. Lastly, and more strange than anything, my conservative anti-drug father began spending a lot of time when he was in Kendrick with Billy, and other prominent drug dealing older teen guys. He was basically trying to assimilate with the druggy crowd from my high school, which was beyond strange. He started wearing his hat on backwards and talking with an attitude – particularly about women. He started drinking a lot and being out late with these guys who were thirty two plus years his junior. I felt like I had lost the plot completely.  

It would be about a week before Alex finally came to visit and Sarah would essentially be gone and I would have some new kind of life. I would look back and I couldn't believe that three and a half years ago, I had had over ten people I considered some kind of friend. Where had everybody gone?  I felt lost and depressed – but in a way I had never felt before. It felt like parts of my core personality were being stripped from me – that thoughts and words held no truth in and of themselves. They had to be sharpened like weapons and used in abstract ways. The world seemed upside down. I was losing my certainty about everything I thought that I knew. I wanted to get down to the bottom core truth of everything, but where could that be found? Was it love? Was it in art? Books? Religion or philosophy? Was the world we lived in primarily made of essence of perception, or were we living in the material? And why did I exist? Why did anything exist at all? It seemed impossible for me to know what to do next with my life. And I felt this burning sense that there was a truth that existed, and I needed to find it.

PART 57 - https://tinyurl.com/y9slhq2w

PART 56 - http://tinyurl.com/y7v9kbn2

PART 55 - http://tinyurl.com/y8fy3uew

PART 54 - http://tinyurl.com/yb8nlwvh

PART 53 - http://tinyurl.com/yae9wgbj

PART 52 - http://tinyurl.com/ybwft2g6

PART 51 - http://tinyurl.com/y9gsjg4j

PART 50 - http://tinyurl.com/y7729d45

Part 49 - http://tinyurl.com/ydbpgkqw

PART 48 - http://tinyurl.com/ydcn5uuu

PART 47 - http://tinyurl.com/y8xyogl9

PART 46 - http://tinyurl.com/ybqoxned

PART 45 - http://tinyurl.com/y94784tz

PART 44 - http://tinyurl.com/ydfpbzxt

PART 43 - http://tinyurl.com/yckvswd7

PART 42 - http://tinyurl.com/ycnng83q

PART 41 - http://tinyurl.com/y84kmttv

PART 40 - http://tinyurl.com/y8aj6kmq

PART 39 - http://tinyurl.com/y97vprft

PART 38 - http://tinyurl.com/ycr7la8q

PART 37 - http://tinyurl.com/y8trssqd

PART 36 - http://tinyurl.com/y9ygq9q8

PART 35 - http://tinyurl.com/ya5xhe2f

PART 34 - http://tinyurl.com/yc6y4p69

PART 33 - http://tinyurl.com/y87449dz

PART 32 - http://tinyurl.com/ycetanep

PART 31 - http://tinyurl.com/yae3o4rd

PART 30 - http://tinyurl.com/ybht9aul

PART 29 - http://tinyurl.com/ybfcr9j2

PART 28 - http://tinyurl.com/yagdlo47

PART 27 - http://tinyurl.com/ydcj5fgf

PART 26 - http://tinyurl.com/y73nvl73

PART 25 -  http://tinyurl.com/y6v6pgoj

PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r

PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g

PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw  

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

[wiz-witch]

MML 106: Family Vacation/Murphy’s Lard

IAh, I’m caught up on all the new episodes and should totally be working on English homework...so I’m gonna do commentary for all the episodes that are available!

(if the episode hasn’t aired on TV I’ll schedule the post so it’ll post after it airs)

Family Vacation

In case anyone wanted to know what my family’s like for anything

“Underneath all the stuff we just packed” Naturally

Then again, my parents’ spare tires are stored in the floor of the trunk

Heh, two spare tires are there

Bridgette’s just accepted Murphy’s Law--had to in order to marry Martin, I guess

Hey, that clip I found before!

I still can’t get how dark this joke is

Anyone ever see the movie Jinxed?

I love how they all got sweater vests like Milo--it’s adorable

How does Milo have a seat cushion after that?

The two of them out the window is adorable

That’s why you stop at rest stops

*face-palm*

They did not gas up that quickly

Doing what?

...I thought they used that tire

How did the twins at least not notice him?!

...they still remind me of the Shining

I’d go broke if my family had one of those

How many of those do you have?!

My family once got to that point on a vacation

Hey, it’s that creepy thing from the game

Was that really the time for the jar?

...That is probably one of the funniest things ever

That audio effect was creepy

Are they flirting with him?

...that was sorta in the game. Looked different (think like ground beef)

I’m curious about these government agents

I love how that tweet from Dan (or Swampy? I genuinely can’t remember it was a while ago) was true

A while ago, someone asked one of the creators what Melissa and Zack would be doing during “Family Vacation”, and he said that they’d be sitting by the pool

“We’re going to die!” “Only eventually” I love the morbid sense of humor that comes from being in danger on a daily basis--it almost matches that of being dead inside.

This flow is gonna kill you guys--especially since it’s canon that Murphy’s Law can kill

Me when I learn of most shows

Diogee just tied a know

That was adorable

My family vacations usually involve my parents trying to take away my book and keep me and my sisters from killing each other

The Murphys have a dollar jar! XD

Only reason I find that so funny is a while ago, I was talking with a friend about the word “jinx” being banned from the Murphy household, and they suggested that there was a “jinx jar” in the house. Funniest thing with that conversation was in an AU of mine, Milo’s very...down on himself, so he says it a lot, and Martin’s just “Milo, dollar in the jinx jar”, then realizes he just said “jinx”

I love that Ashley’s art is back...

Murphy’s Lard

...Ew.

That’s terrifying

Stimmy Milo!

I love how you can figure out what Zack’s about to do just from his expression

Zack, stop trying to bring logic into this

...I’m not the only one thinking Milo’s ‘extra’ autistic in this episode, right? Probably cuz he’s at a theme park and (slightly) over stimulated. Seriously, I was a delight at Disneyworld ^^

My thoughts when I read this summary

...This is too melodramatic for me to take seriously

PHINEAS AND FERB CAMEO!

I love how that’s canon (one of my favorite fics makes a reference to it)

THE MELODRAMA!

Zack has a dad?

When did that get there?

“There’s always a corporate” The fact this is on a Disney show makes it funnier somehow

Milo, you’re making it worse

...Isn’t mahogany red?

Hey, it works!

I love how Henry looks concerned

...is having Milo on a rollercoaster with Melissa the best way to deal with this?

They didn’t exist back then

He’s so unconcerned

In which I am Zack

JK, I love rollercoasters

No. You can’t have a loop when going to the to--how does this rollercoaster even work?!

At least you figured it out that time...

“Oh look the top of a plane” and you two will implode when you get to the bottom

physics aside, the way he said that was hilarious

Okay, portion with the heart is the best part

...why is that sign there

...did they say that earlier because they time traveled? I mean, they started taking the thing down when the flaming pig came by...

Is she saying “lard” or “lord”? because it sounds like “lard” but CC says “lord”, but I’m not sure Disney would allow that?

Milo lost his bag

Milo is such a little kid, it’s adorable

Yikes

...I want bacon

I love those things...mine keep breaking tho

So imagine looking up in the sky and seeing that. Happy dreams!

*slow clap*

I love how her bike helmet has goggles

[acarolingfae-blog]

American Mythos #2: The Jing

In my village, it is always cause to celebrate when one finds a Jing. Though other cultures fear them as evil spirits, our people seek them out. In our tongue, Jing translates to Omen of Fate, and an encounter with a Jing is considered an important rite of passage.

My mother found hers when she was a teenager, deep in the forest. She was hiking and followed a trail of fallen berries to a clearing, where the Jing lay waiting for her. It took the form of a half-eaten hare, its entrails spilling out into vast coils in front of it. The way she tells the story, the air around it was humid and thick, and the silence was deafening. She describes this intense feeling that neither she nor it knew who would be leaving the forest that day. Then suddenly, as though possessed by the Spirit of Violence, she took her walking stick and drove it forcefully into the Jing's neck. At that moment, it wailed a call of death, and lay still. My mother says that she knew in that moment that she was to become a warrior, and returned to her village with a gnarled, bloodied spear and a pair of soulless rabbit eyeballs as trophies of her encounter with the spirit. The village arranged a grand feast, and burned the entrails of all hunted kills in a great bonfire to commemorate her formal entrance into the universe. She told the story to the whole village, and the elders granted her the title of warrior and allowed her to train combat with veteran soldiers. She became a cold and brutal fighter, who took no prisoners, and ordered no retreats. Death was her weapon of choice, and she wielded it with intimacy. On the battlefield, she was both feared and respected, as her enemies knew any troop she led would give them the mercy of a quick end. She was killed in combat when I was still young, speared by an arrow through the neck.

My brother's experience with the Jing was thankfully less violent. When he was a child, he loved catching crabs in the creek nearby our home. He says that one day, he saw a strangely-colored, shimmering crab making ripples in the still water. Feeling an urge to examine this strange specimen, he resolved to capture it and bring it home. However, every time he tried to pounce on it, it would disappear under the water and resurface somewhere else. He followed it between the rocks from puddle to puddle until the sun fell, and he could no longer trail it. He returned home empty-handed, and nobody believed he had truly found a Jing. Regarded as a desperate pretender, he was never celebrated as an adult, and he spent his life picking fruits and pulling root vegetables from the forest. He hated being treated like a child, for he knew in his heart that he had found his fate. As he grew old, he became obsessed with the idea that he would find his Jing and prove the village wrong, so he spent his elder years patrolling the creek for strange shimmers under the water. The more frail and feeble he became, the angrier he got at the world for depriving him of his rightful title. At one point, he didn't return to the village, and many assumed he had left the town in shame. After a few days, the elders decided to redirect gathering parties to comb the area around the creek for him. He was found one day caught between too jagged rocks, obviously having thrown himself in and drowned. His body was withered and gnarled, after being nibbled on by wildlife for days. Rigor mortis had claimed his joints, and nobody could budge his rigid limbs. The village dug a special grave for his curled-up body, and carved a headstone suited for a child's funeral. Due to our village's dismissal of suicides, none of the elders attended his funeral. Before he was buried, I was the only one willing to give the eulogy. I had never believed his tales about the Jing, but I respected his memory enough to speak about him with the same honorifics given to adults. As I spoke my last goodbye and prepared to fill the grave, I heard a morbid creaking from my brother's corpse. I looked into the hole and saw that one of his fingers had broken off. Then another. And out from his clenched hands emerged the shiniest, bluest little crab I had ever seen. It was so small that it had taken it days to eat through the decaying flesh of my brother's hands. It scuttled over his corpse and burrowed into the freshly upheaved dirt, never to be seen again. I made sure that he was given a proper headstone, and that the elders were present at his true burial.

And as for me, I found my Jing when I was over 30 years old. On one of my hunting trips, I broke away from my hunting party and returned to the village alone with a monkey's paw. The elders arranged a massive party with fanciful dishes and beautiful dancers, which I enjoyed while the children drummed a simple, primal beat around a bonfire. The music lasted for hours, and ended with mass storytelling from all the elders. The extravagance was considered necessary to celebrate my late-yet welcome-entrance into the universe, and I had no complaints. After the final elder told his story, I turned to an enraptured audience and told my greatest hunting tale yet. That everything had seemed normal, yet I chose to leave the established hunting grounds to explore much farther north than our people allowed. That despite my partners' insistence of a cloudless sky, I saw apparitions in the atmosphere leading me toward my fate. I described what I felt splitting off from the hunting party, that I was filled with both uneasiness and determination when I left familiar territory. I talked about the hidden dangers of the high trees, of deadly snakes and stealthy cats. I droned on and on about the desolation of the northern desert, giving many details about how I injured my hands squeezing moisture from cacti to survive. I mentioned the faraway cities of the desert, and how they never drew nearer no matter how far you walked towards them. I spared no details about dehydrating to unconsciousness, and waking up somehow at the edge of a pool of sandy water. Knowing I'd captured everyone's attention, I finally started the climax of my lengthy encounter. I told of the stray monkey that sat at the other side of the oasis, watching me intently. I described the intense feeling of dread that washed over me, knowing that this was the omen I had been searching for. I drew everyone close detailing how I felt and what I saw when I waded through the water towards the monkey. And then, I jumped up and yelled about my fight with it; that it leaped onto my face and shrieked obscenities like any man would if I had trespassed into his home and shit on his furniture. Still shouting, I described flailing hopelessly against it as it latched its hands around my neck. Everyone gasped when I spoke of holding my breath and plunging us both into the knee-deep water. I was whispering at this point about not knowing who would come up. They finally drew their breaths again when it was I who emerged from the water, holding a dead monkey by the paw. They applauded my story finally when I drew from my satchel the monkey's withered paw, its yellowing bone protruding from the dried flesh. I took a grand bow, and grabbed the most fetching dancer for a rousing tango as the music and revelry started again. That dancer became my lover that night, and my wife that month. We adopted two adorable toddlers from a couple in her extended family, the father fallen in battle and the mother eaten by a pack of wild dogs. We now have our happily-ever-after, and I look back on my formal entrance into the universe as the start of a life of true happiness.

In our village, the struggle that ties us all together is our search for our fates. It is what separates us from the others, and keeps us strong. Whether that fate is desirable or miserable is out of the question, as embracing your end is the only way to truly conquer it. It is funny to me that those from other villages will spend their lives fearing and fleeing from the Jing, because we believe here that killing the messenger is futile, and that omens are gifts from the universe.

What is even funnier to me is that the monkey in my story was not killed by me. No, I found that paw lying on the forest floor, after it had fallen from an eagle's nest. I had gotten lost on a hunting trip, and came back with no kills and a story to spin. I am old and frail now, and sometimes I wonder if I will never have my encounter with the Jing. But that thought never sticks in my mind, because my search for my fate has already succeeded. And whenever my doubts get the better of me, I can always look into my retired hunting satchel and remind myself that the hand of fate appears in strange places.

[breegullbeakreviews]

Summary: When Hat Kid’s collection of magical time pieces ends up strewn across a planet full of deplorable begins, she’ll set out of a quest to take back these powerful pieces before they fall into the wrong hands in a 3D platforming adventure.

Overall: A Hat in Time is a fantastic love letter to the 3D Platformers of old. It’s full of fresh ideas and unlike many other attempts to bring back the genre this year, it knows what worked and what didn’t about the genre and accounted for it. At $30 it’s the best 3D platformer on the PS4 and Xbox One(Banjo Kazooie excluded) and is totally worth the price tag.

*Like with Yooka Laylee, I was a Kick Starter backer of the project backing at the $70 tier and spending an extra $20 to get a PS4 code. 

Controls: While inspired by classics like Banjo Kazooie and Super Mario 64, Hat Kid’s moveset is not particular inspired by either. Hat Kid has no triple jump, but she can do a second jump while in the air as well as a dive. Unlike either the bear, the bird, or the former plumber, Hat Kid will run up a wall when she hits one while not diving and in the air. This allows for some interesting platforming. Instead of always jumping straight across platforms occasionally you’ll need to drop under a barricade, dive and then run up the wall instead.

Hat kid can dive at foes while airborne with a homing attack, but she’ll also get a melee attack early on. Hat kid’s main quirk is her collection of unlockable hats. I don’t want to spoil them all as they’re a lot of fun, but her starting hat will show you your objective when you press L2 or its equivalent on your platform of choice. The first two hats you’ll unlock all for faster movement and a throw able explosive. Switching between hats is rather funny as a gimmick in a world post Odyssey, but this gimmick was planned well in advance of Mario’s return to open world adventures.

Hub: Hat Kid’s ship is a nice hub. It feels like a functional place and it’s just large enough to hold the games 4 chapters and the final showdown. The biggest issue for me is a nitpick, but its shape from the outside is pretty ugly. It isn’t seen from the outside outside of cut scenes, but when it is it’s not a particularly flattering design. Inside is what counts though and while not massive and as memorable as the classics, small and simple works a lot better than Mario’s lack thereof and Yooka Laylee’s mess.

Time Rifts/Customization/Relics: These next three things all are pretty linked. Time Rifts are A Hat in Time’s equivalent to Super Mario Sunshine’s Bonus stages. Hell they even have similar rotating blocks with pegs coming out. You are never stripped of powers when entering these, but four of these are extra special. Before I touch on those we need to cover the Relics. Hidden throughout the game are presents holding Relics and after all of those are collected they hold Rift coins, but we’ll get back to those. These Relics can be combined on platforms in the proper order to not only decorate the Hub, but they’ll also unlock an extra Rift for each chapter.

These Rifts are based around the chapters theme and are much longer. In these as opposed to just reaching the end of the rift, you’ll need to collect special tickets in each area and enough special pons to open the next area as you make your way to the end. These help break up the game as they are the few moments where the game can ignore how a challenge fits into the chapter’s world design and go nuts.

Back to those coins. When you complete a rift or spend three of those coins you get new to spin for new color schemes for Hat kid’s outfit or different appearances for the game’s hats. You get 3 spins each time but you can only take one things. Basically you spin, take what you got or spin again and give up that item unless you roll it again. I have no idea if you can get every customization option in the game, but you can’t spend money to get more coins so I’m fine with this system. I wish it was just the different hats though. I preferred those to the color scheme changes.

Mafia Town: Way back in the day A Hat in Time was sold to me on just this chapter and the promise of a return of 3D Platforming. Mafia Town is the first of four chapters in the game, and it’s incredible how it feels lived in and is still fun to explore. As part of the games narrative you are locked to this chapter for its first four acts before you can head out and explore the other chapters. The fourth act here really set’s the story in motion and is home to the game’s first real boss fight. Despite the game being a 3D platformer, this boss is fought in 2D and I’m not sure what to think about it. It’s a strange fight fitting of the Mafia’s strange vibe, but I’m not a fan of being locked to a 2D plane for just this segment. Maybe if it was used prior it would work better, but as is it’s an okay fight.

The chapter itself is a seas side town built around a volcano shaped geyser that keeps the Mafia bosses club floating high in the sky. Due to the slope of the geyser’s sides, the town has multiple levels of height you’ll be running between as you explore. Oh and the town is run and lived in solely by the Mafia who outside their leader all look the same. The chapter is super sparse on foes. The Mafia won’t attack unless provoked or tied into the act itself. Outside that you’re pretty safe outside fall damage and the strange sleepy raccoons. If this chapter has one issue it’s that due to the vertical nature of the town I never really got a lay of the land. This is an issue for most of the chapters, but unlike others, this one has a single distinct theme throughout so I can’t say I’m in this part of the map and over there is that part of the map very easily.

Dead Bird Studios: Somehow the chapter that feels the least inspired by classic 3D Platformers is my favorite. Dead Bird Studios is home to stealth segments, timed segments, and a conga line of enemies that forces you to keep moving and not double back too quickly. Pretty much all of these are aspects of Super Mario Galaxy which makes this whole thing even funnier since this chapter is set on the moon, despite never being seen. What makes this chapter so great is that every one of these elements is one and done all leading up to what is now one of my favorite boss fights ever. It is perfectly built to and I absolutely refuse to spoil, but it’s safe to say the developers of A Hat in Time are super cynical of the Cinematic Studio System.

Dead Bird Studios starts with Hat kids trying to steal back her Time pieces from the competing directors who plan to use them as props for their upcoming motion pictures. When she is caught she is instead offered to star in the films of two competing directors. From there each act is a movie with its own gimmick. All of these are super linear, but what makes it work is that none of them play the same and none of these gimmicks leave this chapter. All of these fun things are one and done so they never get old.

Subcon Forest: Of all of the chapters, Subcon Forest is the most generic, but how it handles the basic theme of spooky level is done really well. As the first act begins you are quickly forced to make a deal with the Snatcher, a spooky spirit. In exchange for your soul he’ll let you explore his woods as long as you complete tasks for him. While most spooky levels dance around the morbid nature of things, this chapter doesn’t shy away from the darker concepts at play. Magical nooses hang in the woods. The spirts in the woods want to die. It’s a strange setting.

The design of the forest itself is split into distinct areas. Each is key for at least one of the acts, but all of them can be reached from anyone act, except for the boss fight area which is only reachable when needed. This allows for each act to feel distinct. The most annoying part of the chapter is trying to find your way around. While everything is distinct I still never got a sense of which area was next to what other area outside a super select few. Luckily the game will start you facing the right direction and from there the path is pretty obvious. Good luck finding those rifts through.

The star of the show here is the Snatcher. He’s you pretty basic deal making devil but he’s played for laughs in such a way that while he would be terrifying to actually meet in reality, in this games setting he’s silly. He’s always smiling and he’s built like an inflatable tube man. Sadly his boss fight sucks. Because of how it’s built when you die it takes a long time to get back to the point in which you can actually damage him. It also doesn’t help that his attacks are all pretty random and similar enough that knowing how to dodge them doesn’t help much since where things will land is hard to pin down. Also no health was dispensed the whole fight. Snatcher takes the least hits of all the bosses, but he’s the least balanced of these bosses regardless. I’d rather have a lengthy but forgiving fight than a short and insane one.

Alpine Skyline: You know who up until now each chapter was divided into acts? Throw that out the window. This last level is entirely free roam. Hold your goats, it’s not a giant open mountain. The map is made up of various mountain peaks that you’ll zip line between. It’s pretty linear in nature, but you’ll get to choose which of the four acts you’ll tackle first. The Finale sadly can’t be redone due to how it twists the map, but it’s not particularly strong so no huge loss. The acts here are super fun. Twilight Bell and The Windmill are awesome platforming challenges that put your use of hats and platforming to the test. It’s puzzle platforming at its finest.

I’m honestly not sure what else I can say about the penultimate chapter. There is no boss fight and it’s where you obtain the game’s final and arguably game breaking hat. The setting itself is pretty underused and is pretty much just fluff to connect the four harder acts together but those acts are so good it all works out in the end.

Time’s End: The game ends with a final Bowser Castle style level leading into a final boss battle against Mustache girl who after learning that you wouldn’t use the Time Pieces to stop the bad guys decided to use the time pieces to become the judge of who is and isn’t bad. The final battle has Hat kid getting aided by all of the games baddies who just want things to go back to the way they were. It’s a fun final battle that was made super easy by the inclusion of the game’s final hat. I appreciate the interstitial cut scenes that occur throughout that remind me of the good old Paper Mario games.

The course itself is pretty challenging. I’d be lying if I said I got through it unscathed. The whole evil castle above lava is pretty generic, but as a love letter to the 3D platformers of old it’s fine. I think creating some sort of crazy place outside of time would have fit the theme of the game more, but what matters in the end is what’s inside, and what is inside the castle is good.

Story: I mean I pretty much covered the story back there. Hat kid’s time pieces get scattered on this planet. She lands in Mafia town and Mustache girl helps her out until she learns about the power of the pieces and that Hat kid doesn’t want to use the power to stop bad guys. From here you just sort of play the game until you get enough time pieces and Mustache girl comes and steals them triggering the unlocking of the final battle where the above events transpire. It’s a sappy story about power corrupting and that messing with time is bad. It’s a lot more effort than I expected out of this and it left me with a smile on my face.

[massmurdera]

Favorite Podcasts 2016

I have a data entry job in a lab processing bodily fluids. I hate the monotonous job, but one perk of the job is I get to listen to podcasts 40 hours/week,  time flies by, and I feel somewhat productive.

PERSONAL OPINIONS… -podcasts are best done between 2 people, preferably comedian friends. Sometimes, there can be too many cooks in the kitchen (Filmdrunk Frotcast, for instance, runs into this) -it’s usually best in person: you can sense that in some podcasts where they do it via Skype or on the phone -I avoid local sports talk radio like the plague—so you don’t get blowhards with hot takes/talking points where they have to have controversy to get ratings. Generally, everybody on podcasts gets along, it’s natural, funnier, and doesn’t fill hours. -while I don’t think some of these podcast comedians will ever become household names, they are doing some of the best work out there that’s ever been done comedically. It’s like Howard Stern and what Chris Rock said and I’m going to fuck this up: he might be the funniest person of all time if you compile what he did into a single hour. I feel like you could do these with a LOT of people. But they never will. -you listen long enough, it should feel like a friendship you are a part of. You know the people, get the inside jokes, and enjoy the banter. -best episodes tend to run 60 minutes or less—otherwise, it can get real bloated.

BEST EPISODES -End of World Election Night (Joe Rogan)—Bill Burr steals the live show from Stanhope, Rogan, Kreischer, etc—tour de force that came out the night of the Election while shit was going down. Burr is going for pure humor and some guests come on who have an issue with how he views things in a blunt, fair way where everything gets shit on and everything sucks: but, at the end of the day, his life is not going to be ruined. What I like about Burr is this: he will say awful things that you don’t agree with...but by the end you are on his side and laughing with him. -600 Dollar Podcast-‘Voyeur Motel’—Halpern reads out Gay Talese’s story of a guy who ran a hotel and had a secret viewing station set up above every guest’s bed and he would watch people have sex. It’s creepy, but here? Funny as hell. The ‘Back to the Future’ joke Halpern quickly gives almost made me crash on the Mass. Pike -Dollop/My Favorite Murder crossover-‘Otto in the Attic’ -Dollop does a murder w/ My Favorite Murder as guests. It is wild. -Dollop-‘Bundy 2: Oregon Takeover’ –one of the first Dollops was about Cliven Bundy, the anti-government rancher. This time, his kids took over Oregon—and, most recently, they went unpunished despite a takeover with guns. Just unreal. -Pardon My Take-‘Cat Killer Michael Rappaport’ (first part interview goes for 15 minutes or so) -Justin Halpern’s Papa Roach story on Frotcast—I was in tears at work listening to this. It helps to have been of age when Papa Roach was a thing in the late 90′s/early 2000s (Filmdrunk Frotcast; 3:30 mark on the ‘Best of 2016’: 90 second story basically)

BILL BURR’s Monday Morning Podcast (funniest comic alive mostly does a 1-man rant by himself) 2 episodes a week—1 of which is half throwback episodes

I don’t get how Burr does it: it should be impossible for Burr to carry a podcast each week by himself for an hour, but he does. He rambles for an hour, takes listener e-mail. He is THE only person I listen to advertisement readings for: he somehow makes that funny, shits on the ads who sometime remove them. But it’s like listening to a guy workshop some material and improve himself in small ways as a comic.

I will say this though: when somebody else enters the podcast, it becomes funnier. His wife, Nia. He can play ball with and you can sense him having an audience and naturally be funnier. 600 Dollar Podcast: a comedy podcast between 3 comedians/writers who talk about marriage & raising kids—but it’s totally not that at all and always goes AWOL 1 episode per week—but hasn’t been one in months Horrible title for a show—started off as ‘Wild’n’Out Without Nick Cannon’ but they got a cease and desist from Cannon’s lawyer.

Justin Halpern (Shit My Dad Says), Tommy Jonaghan (breakout guy of the show and a stand-up) and Patrick Monaghan (another TV writer)

This podcast has come the closest since Walking the Room to genuinely making me laugh out loud each week. Consistently. Great and funny stories of failure. Fucked up in the best way and goes FAR down the rabbit hole of topics.

BEST EPISODES…. #7-‘Voyeur Motel’ (Halpern’s Back to the Future joke) #11-‘It’s Called a Vagina’ (when Halpern loses his shit at the 10:15 mark) Dollop (two comedians: American history read to a friend who has no idea what the topic is about. Point is, you realize America has NEVER been great and it’s supremely and endlessly fucked up) Walking the Room is my favorite podcast ever. Laugh-out loud funny friendship and THE best and funniest take on unending failure and, like Patton Oswalt said, being a shit-magnet for people/things. They do live reunion ones once a year—and they generally suck and aren’t the same but I’ll take what I can get. Anyways, that podcast is over—and the Dollop, a history, took over as Dave Anthony’s main thing (He’ll do conversations with Wil Anderson on TOFOP/FOFOP that are fun and closest to Walking the Room, but it’s not the same: he’s much more relaxed/normal whereas Dave was putting on a face as someone who hated his goofy friend, Greg, part of the time and was angrier than he was—and if you follow him on Twitter, he is comically angry and outspoken)

Sometimes, the Dollop can be hit-or-miss and I tune out a bit. Within first couple minutes, I can tell if it’s going to be amazing. Gareth can improv too much at times—but when it’s on, it’s on. They’re incredibly quick and it never tires how incredulous Gareth can get to the stories to Dave’s sarcastic, nonchalant storytelling while EVERYTHING that is happening is fucked up.

I think if they could make a lot of these Dollops into movies, they would be amazing. Some Mel Brooks-ian shit. I would rather see the Dollop’s version of Hugh Glass than Leonardo DiCaprio’s version in ‘the Revenant’. The show got a nod of the head in the ‘Tickled’ documentary.

But my jaw drops at American history I didn’t know about—or to its extent—and then laugh hard. Some of it is minimal characters/events that are just funny—others are wildly serious or show parallels to today.

BEST EPISODES… -‘Otto in the Attic’ (crossover live w/ My Favorite Murder) -‘Bundy 2: Oregon Takeover’ (anything involving Cliven Bundy’s family and their anti-government militia) -Black Panther Fred Hampton’ (not a funny one—but a guy I never heard of who should have been up there with MLK/Malcolm X had he not been assassinated by the FBI/American government) -‘Girl Watchers’ -‘Domino’s Pizza Story’ -‘Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo’ (pre-Trump guy) -‘Boston Busing ’74 & ’75 PT 1 & 2’

All-Time? ‘the Rube’ is the best in a runaway or me. ‘Purity Ring’, Tickled, Hugh Glass, some of the earlier ones are great.

IF YOU LIKE THIS: history’; Drunk History comedy…My Favorite Murder My Favorite Murder (true crime—one comic and her affable friend read 1 true crime murder to each other) 1 episode per week; 90 minutes-ish

True crime is all the rage—so it makes sense as to why this podcast has become insanely popular. It might be easy to shit on, in a morbid way, to go over murders in a ‘fan’ way: but it’s the same way movies/TV shows/news each night centers around murders. The show might glorify people—but there’s a common bent/theme around certain killers and their upbringings—or possible life-saving life mottos (‘fuck politeness’). I can see the show doing more positive things, giving $ to rape kits being tested (how the fuck was that NOT a thing?!?!)

I was aware of Karen Kilgarif because Dave Anthony dated her and she was a guest on Walking the Room. But it’s AMAZING when people you are vaguely aware of find their own avenue. And become stars in their own right—and people you look forward to hearing each week.

Her friend, Georgina, is just as easily likable. DEFINITELY comes across like a gossiping girly-girl (I heard that criticism), but she’s so damn cool, genuinely funny, and cute (even before I saw how pretty she was—there’s no way to describe it and you can sense it with how Karen adores/views her). It could be a really dour show OR droning in the wrong hands, but they make the topic rightfully serious but fun simultaneously in the best way. It is respectful to the victims.

But yeah, they read Wikipedia entries to each other and bring in a heavily-informed obsession to the podcast. But it’s the humor and chemistry that helps saves the show in tone. It’s not as heavily-researched as the Dollop or formatted in a natural storytelling bent, but it’s successful.

KEY EPISODES…. -Live from LA Podfest (crossover with Dave Anthony of the Dollop) -Chicago Podfest (changing point for the show: you realize that they are massive in this episode in ways they didn’t expect—with a rabid fanbase) IF YOU LIKE THIS: you’ll like the Dollop

PARDON MY TAKE (sports podcasts) 3 episodes per week; 60 minutes each I want to slap myself in the face listening to this—because these are the two best young, likable stars in comedy/sports. IT IS HARD TO DO SPORTS COMEDY DONE SUCCESSFULLY BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE IT TO SERIOUSLY! Big Cat comes across like Jimmy Kimmel; PFTCommenter, however, steals the show—and he’s incomparable (maybe Stephen Colbert for being able to stay in character?): basically he’s born out of ‘hot-take’ culture and mocking it. There’s a format to the show, some interviews, segments.

Yes, it’s part of the Barstool Sports empire—run by douchebags (a friend of mine is cousins with Portnoy—tried getting an autograph for her boyfriend who loved Barstool Sports, he refused), but forget that.

LAUGH OUT LOUD… -Stingray Steve calls the fall of the Berlin Wall (a southern college football fan—they get him to announce each week’s big plays; when they FINALLY get him to call a key moment in history, I lost my shit at work) -Jimbo of the Week (mailbag fails from readers) -Monday Mornings after NFL games where they mimic Chris Berman’s recaps of the games

BEST EPISODE… -Catkiller Michael Rapaport (Rapaport is an actor/personality easy to shit on—but he comes across great as a podcast guest on Bill Simmons, Bill Burr, Pardon My Take: he’s game)—September 6th -Marlins Man/Foul Ball Fan (July 6th) -Martin Shkreli –when they shit on him; it’s interesting to hear them be affable/likable/funny with people they clearly hate. Marlins Man & this episode are pretty great interviews to hear how naturally funny they are, easy to get along with, even while still getting jokes in at people they hate. It’s not easy.

TOFOP & FOFOP (Australian comedian and funny actor friend poke at mostly American pop culture) -Charlie Clausen is the co-host on TOFOP -FOFOP gets its name from the show ‘Fringe’: it’s ‘Faux-TOFOP’, typically with American comedians. Dave Anthony is the best guest for FOFOP.

Wil Anderson is an Australian comic—he’s ridiculously affable, charming, and naturally funny. This is my closest substitute for Walking the Room, in a way, with its chemistry between two comics. It doesn’t come close, but that’s fine. I don’t get all the Australian references (rugby, pop culture, politics), but I don’t need to as an American—because America dominates just about every episode.

Clausen, on TOFOP, is damn likable. I can’t say enough about how naturally great Anderson/Clausen are on podcasts. It’s not just the accents that do it.

BEST EPISODES… -#263-‘Should I Go Home?’ : post-election w/ Dave Anthony I don’t think that’s right, but I’ve laughed out loud with pop culture breakdowns like Game of Thrones, Westworld, or shitting on Zach Snyder Batman/Superman movies in the funniest way I’ve heard (miles funnier than Filmdrunk-but no real format to the show) Inactives: NFL talk, fantasy football…and some parenting

In a just world, Matt Ufford should be a mammoth sports media star alongside Katie Nolan. He’s likable, outspoken, funny—plus he’s a military veteran/Captain in the Iraq War (though he does not come across as that).

So yeah, an NFL podcast with Ufford (Seahawks fan) and Nick Stevens (Pats/Star Wars fan and stand-up comedian). Stevens should be easy to hate as a stereotype of a Boston sports fan—but he’s naturally funny and likable, quick with jokes/takes on a spot.

The first episodes of 2015 are great for Matt’s all-time depressing Wal-Mart riff and Stevens’ reaction or Stevens bringing up the Butt Fumble that made me cry laughing—and Ufford lost his shit.

Also, I’ve NEVER done fantasy sports, but I still enjoy the show—most NFL show (NFL Ringer; Simmons; Barnwell) aren’t funny, have chemistry, and maybe too nerdy—this is wildly funny, enjoyable.

YOU’LL LIKE THIS: football, comedy, Star Wars

Filmdrunk Frotcast: Pop Culture, Movies, Comedy As I said, sometimes this show can have too many cooks in the kitchen. There can be 4-6 people on the show sometimes—some of whom aren’t funny or interesting like Laremy, Lindy West. Matt Lieb grew on me heavily. I found him unfunny and someone who comes across as funnier than they think and the other people on the show let him do his thing, don’t cut him off, laugh too hard, or know what to do. But he’s become a centerpiece of the show and now I don’t mind it. I dig Brendan, Joe Sincilito, and some other dude that’s been on more of late But Lieb does not really have an equal comedically to play with him, so he feels very much like an excited dog who just wants to play but could use another dog to play with. Horrible analogy, but feels right.

The show—and Uproxx, in general—hits on topics I am VERY familiar with and want to hear discussed. I hardly tend to agree with Vince Mancini’s tastes and sometimes opinions—he’s more of a critic than a comic. Lieb mostly looks for pure comedic bents and can derail the podcast, in a good way.

KEY GUESTS: Justin Halpern, PFTCommenter, Matt Ufford, Joe Sincilito SONG: Matt Lieb’s ‘Corporate Birthday’

BEST EPISODE: ‘Best of 2016’ (as an entry point, it does a good job capturing what the show does—love it or leave it. So lots of Lieb improv and made-up songs on the spot inbetween conversations)

REVISIONIST HISTORY: MALCOLM GLADWELL 10 episodes total (on hiatus)

Heavily organized and produced. I avoid boring This American Life podcasts like the plague, but Gladwell does that a bit—but better here. It’s interesting.

Best episodes: ‘Satire Paradox’; ‘Lady Vanishes’..the 3-part college episodes is an obsession and interesting political/social axe that Gladwell has to grind.

RECOMMENDED: if you like Malcolm Gladwell’s books even a little—this is otherworldly as an investigative podcast piece. It should NOT be this damn good. BILL SIMMONS (mostly sports) 2 episodes/week; 60-80 minutes each He gets shit on fairly—and sometimes over-the-top unfairly. He has a tired schtick and thoughts, a HORRIBLE voice (the opening segments on his TV show were due to be a disaster), unfunny. I don’t know how to say it: someone like Justin Halpern has a HORRIBLE voice—but he transcends that because he’s so goddamn funny. With that said, he’s talented, inspired/broke the door open for a lot of people, is a good podcast host, easy/affable enough to listen to, and has good taste. I don’t think his friends are funny or worthwhile  (House; Cousin Sal) but I enjoy Jack-O. Mike Lombardi is painfully bad—but I have to sit through it as a die-hard Pats fan since he was in the Pats organization until just a couple months ago. But he gets damn good guests every now and then.

BEST GUESTS/EPISODES: Michael Rapaport, Gladwell, Wesley Morris, Al Michaels, Robert Smigel, Jay Glazer; Key & Peele, Chris Sacca, etc, etc COMMON SENSE w/ DAN CARLIN (a historian rants about politics in a focused way) Carlin is like Burr—he does a podcast by himself for an hour and rambles a bit. Difference is, there is not a single funny bone to Carlin’s body. I agree with Filmdrunk: Carlin comes across like a Right Wing radio host in how he talks—but he’s utterly brilliant. He’s the best guy to break down history in today’s terms. I subscribe more to his thinking as a leftist political-minded person.

I still need to check out ‘Hardcore History’: I hear that’s the shit, but I don’t have time for 12-16 hour anthology pieces. I started listening to ‘Wrath of Khan’ and it’s insane, thorough, well-researched and great storytelling. It’s daunting though.

RECOMMENDED: History/political buffs—with leftist-minded thinking and rambling HOUND TALL: Educational live comedy show where an expert  talks about something and comics engage in it in a panel Basically, an expert comes in (a pimp; a woman who was in a harem; Science; Religion; etc) and a panel of comedians riff on that in a loose way. Moshe is brilliant as a host and he has good comedic guests (Pete Holmes; Joe DeRosa; John Mulaney; Natasha Legerro, etc)

SUGGEST IF YOU LIKE: education, in a weird way HANNIBAL BURRESS: HANDSOME RAMBLER Podcast is in early stages. Mainly it’s just Hannibal and his DJ chilling while Hannibal fucks around with autotune at times. He’s been having more conversations with guests lately (Chance the Rapper, for one)

Episode 2—Hannibal’s experience with Air B’n’B’s JOE ROGAN 3 episodes per week—3-4 hours each The podcast simply goes on for FAR too long (3-4 hours) and the topics meander far down the rabbit hole. But, if you’re like me and have the time, you don’t mind having to listen to a 3-4 hour conversation.

Rogan is a far-out dude, gets shit on for his opinions, lifestyle (Hunting & MMA most likely), and politically correct people (it’s overblown). But he’s an open and fair-minded dude, even if I don’t agree with him.

He’s kind of similar to Pete Holmes: long conversations, deep person—except Pete’s is maybe more focused with questions that come up in every podcast (it’s a funnier version of WTF with Marc Maron) and Holmes is just plain goofier and naturally funny. Rogan is mostly an intense dude—who has more life experience, hobbies, and skills.

BEST EPISODE: End of the World election night podcast Bill Burr steals the show from everybody, including Doug Stanhope. It’s unreal.

OTHER GUESTS: Bill Burr, Dan Carlin, Hannibal Burress, Neal Brennan

Pete Holmes: You Made it Weird (funnier, goofier, deeper Marc Maron conversations) Burr is the funniest comic alive—but Pete is probably the most insanely likable; they both should be massive. Burr does the best panel work on a night show: he’s an angry, loveable, opinionated dude, pushes buttons in a playful way. Holmes is a DEEP-thinking guy—who just is universally likable. Even his face, it’s goofy and instantly funny.

BEST GUESTS… Moshe Kasher (recent); Garry Shandling (month before he died)

SUGGEST IF YOU LIKE THIS: WTF w/ Marc Maron—if Maron was funny/looser/goofier in his interviews

WTF W/ Marc Maron Hardly interviews comics anymore since he’s nearly interviewed them all. I don’t bother to check out as much. He hasn’t had as much good interviews this year. I’ve seen him live, I think, 6 times (and 2 podcast tapings that were in Boston: first one was the best by far)

But reason why his podcast is great is that Marc isn’t a whole person, he’s finding himself—and you can sense he’s trying to make himself better and find himself with the people he’s interviewing. He’s looking for grace, understanding, and just being a better person.

Also, everybody skips the openings to all his podcasts—and just cut to the interview.

BEST INTERVIEWS… Robert Kelly (underrated: might be one of the funniest people I’ve seen live—his own podcast has great moments: him w/ Burr, DeRosa, Kreischer on Bertcast was amazing) Louis CK; Jeff Goldblum

CHAPO TRAP HOUSE Caught this only in the last week.

The Ben Shapiro takedown in the last episode of the year was great (they read passages from his awful book of the extreme conservative writer. Helps to know who he is in a way)

SUGGESTED EPISODE… -Post-Election breakdown ‘We Live in the Zone Now’: My thoughts exactly as a lefty on the election & state of politics

OPIE RADIO Anytime they release a Patrice O’Neal, Bill Burr, Louis CK, or Robert Kelly oldies, it’s special. Some of the most brutal and funny comedy ever was done on Opie & Anthony. A show as PACKED with people as, say, Filmdrunk Frotcast could use is actual comedians who are mostly all on the same level ‘funny’ as each other. Except the main thing with this show is that they bust balls in the cruelest way. Endlessly. With that said, you can easily hate the fans of the show and hate Anthony Cumia’s politics and how far-right/distant he has become (got fired from the show)—and still recognize how brilliant he was as a host. There’s a treasure trove of amazing material on Opie that you can put up with the best comedy ever. It’s the original podcast and when they re-release old shit, it’s a goldmine.

-We’ll See You in Hell w/ Joe Derosa (2 friends talk movies and shit on each other for liking or not liking certain movies: it’s Roger & Ebert basically) Derosa has a mostly HORRIBLE taste in movies.

I don’t think I could recommend this podcast to anybody unless you’ve heard him on a podcast with Pete Holmes, Bill Burr, Hound Tall, or Opie. Pete Holmes would 100% be the best (Pete’s podcast to hear Pete’s impression of Joe, Hound Tall) and Burr would be great to see how easily Burr shits on him. Otherwise, you’d just view him as an unlikable asshole.

Derosa has a couple albums out and they’re worthwhile. But there is one that he recorded that went AWOL and the crowd absolutely was drunk and derailed his special, so Joe went with, trashed his special, and just went off on the audience trashing them. It’s amazing. It’s “You Will Die” and it’s the second part of the special that was recorded and meant to be the special.

COULD GIVE UP ON AND BE COOL -Bill Barnwell (NFL podcast) -NFL Ringer -the Watch (TV/movies)

Only because I’m a big football/TV/movie fan—the hosts aren’t very good, funny, interesting or standout. I think they are good, straight-forward writers though (all formerly of Grantland). I listen to these episodes at 2x speed to make them go by faster. OVERRATED PODCASTS -Keeping It 1600 Politics podcasts from people who worked for Obama as policy advisor & speechwriter. They get insider guests/journalists. Sure, it’s mildly interesting to hear them go over current events—but it’s ultimately forgettable. Kind of smug. Jokes aren’t funny. They are inoffensive dudes and centrists. It’s a podcast for water-carrying establishment Democrats generally and I think they are blind to see at how limp and ineffectual their party is and why that is so. I guess the podcast that came after the election is interesting to listen to—and how shocked they were. They never thought it would happen—and they never thought Hillary was a horrible candidate.

I’d say the Ringer podcasts (the Watch; Simmons) the people who host the podcasts are NOT funny people at all. There’s laughter going on, but it’s never made by funny people. I like Simmons, but I can’t defend him being naturally funny the way he would like to be.

SUGGESTION: listen to Wil Anderson, an Australian comic, alongside Dave Anthony cover politics on FOFOP. I started listening to Chapo Trap House-that’s better than Keeping it 1600 and what I wanted in a politics podcast MOST DISAPPOINTING PODCASTS -Serial season 2—checked out after a couple episodes. It tried something new and failed miserably. -Deadcast –Drew Magary is the funniest online writer for a decade now, but he comes across as obnoxious and loud on podcasts. Tim Marchman? A boring contrarian killjoy. They go over topics I enjoy hearing about though, but I gave up. Also, they do it via Skype, so it misses some chemistry of podcasts that do it in person.

DON’T LISTEN TO ENOUGH BUT THINK ARE GOOD -Chelsea Peretti (Bill Burr episode is great—but that podcast has like 3 episodes a year) -Guys We Fucked -My Brother My Brother & Me (3 brothers, comedy—and I heard their Dungeons & Dragons podcast Adventure Zone is great—but I’m not into that game) -Sklarbro Country (Sports + comedy) -Todd Glass (Patton Oswalt as a guest was amazing a year or so ago)

PODCASTS I PLAN ON CHECKING OUT MORE IN 2017 -Chapo’s Trap House -Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History