#which pissed off my mom lmao. COPE BITCH

[muddlemore]

Holy shit I love my doctor

[purplesurveys]

529

Trigger warning for the entire survey lols

hows your life at the moment? Tough. Not great. My friend passed away. I see him in everything; every song is about him; all my thoughts are him. There isn’t a day I haven’t cried since finding out. I miss him, and nothing can heal this grief for the meantime. what are you doing? This, remembering Nacho, staying up, on the phone with my girlfriend. who was the last person to call you? Gabie is on the line with me at the moment. is there anyone that you love and hate? No. do watch funny tvshows like family guy and south park? South Park was never funny to me, but there are references in Family Guy that have made me crack up in the past. It’s very select, though. The two aren’t really my type of comedy.

what color are your toenails at the moment? I never paint my toenails. < have you ever had a close friend move away? Yeah, Aubrey suddenly moved to the US in senior year of high school. We had gotten really close when we were juniors so it was a real sucky shock when she dropped the news to me and told me she only had a few weeks left in the PH before leaving forever. what was the last thing you said aloud? I was telling Gab how unfortunate it is that I always seem to be wearing more shabby outfits whenever I see our mutual friend who dresses very well. I saw her at Starbucks today and lo and behold I had a lazy outfit on HAHAHAHA. Oh well. how many friends do you trust fully? I trust all of them. It’s when they abuse it that I can easily cut off that trust. who was the last person to hug you? Jo. I was surprised she reached in for a hug this morning considering SHE HATES THEM. But then again Nacho passed, and everyone’s been giving everybody hugs lately in the college. have you let someone down recently? I feel like I let Nacho down. I hope I didn’t, but that’s between me and me now. I just wish I did something more. has someone let you down recently? Me lmao are you upset about anything at all? If the overarching theme of this survey isn’t clear enough yet - YES!!! what are you looking forward to? El Camino on Netflix, bitch. That’s the only good thing I have going for me. Oh and finishing part uno of my thesis.  quick lyrics from the last song you heard.. I forget what the last song I listened to was at the moment. have you ever had a friend choose their bf over you? Yes, but I don’t mind. I would typically do the same, unless said friend is in an emergency situation or genuinely needs me. when was the last time you took a shower? This morning before heading to class. who is your favorite female celebrity? Kristen Stewaaaaaart. were you nervous on your first day of highschool? I think I was, but I’ve mostly forgotten freshman year. three words to describe your bestfriend: Gab is intelligent, insightful, and ambitious. Angela is approachable, generous, and hilarious. what is your latest reason to be mad? Our President (yes, Duterte) attended Nacho’s wake and halted the entire wake for an hour just because of his appearance. It became all about him and no one was allowed to either go in or out of the room for that period of time - not even Nacho’s friends who came to see him and say goodbye. There was a huge barrage of police all over the damn place and it pissed everybody beyond belief - even Nacho’s fucking mom was barred from seeing her son and she was forced to be at the back of the room along with everyone else just because of this dipshit President who felt the need to have an entire security team with him to go to the wake of someone who completely fucking despised his guts when he was still alive. who have you talked to on the phone today? Just my girlfriend. what color shirt do you have on? Navy green. are you literally afraid of anyone? Rapists, I guess. where are all of your friends right now? I’m sure they’re all at home/dorms. Either that or studying in a coffee shop. what is today? Wednesday. who was the last person to tell you a secret? Kate. make a wish. right now. anything. I want Nacho back. do you know who harriett tubman was and what she did? Yes. what kind of mascara do you use? I dunno. It’s been a while. do you own a pea coat? I don’t need any in this climate. which team are you going for in the super bowl? Nope. if you had to live at one of your bestfriend’s houses, where would u live? Angela’s. Her family treats me like family already, anyway. how are you on this fine day? Day 4 of grieving. It’s not getting any better, especially when everyone else is just as sad. The week kind of came through by giving me all the deadline extensions I mentally asked for, so am thankful to my profs for that haha. Still shitty nonetheless. My girlfriend’s great-grandmother passed away too. 2019 is out to give everybody a harder time before ending, I guess. who did you last take a picture with? Kate. who was the last person to comfort you? Jo. who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you? My mom, lmaoooooo. who was the last person to get on your nerves? Filipino drivers. who was the last person you saw? Chesca. sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Hehehehehe I appreciate the Beyoncé reference, thanks. are there any stressful situations in your life? Right now? Stressful is a bit of an understatement. what are your plans for tomorrow? Do thesis, do other homework, study for next week’s exams. are you missing anyone at the moment? Way too much. if you answer a question wrong in class, does it embarrass you? Yes, it’s why I don’t recite - so I don’t have to be wrong lol. can you love and hate someone? It’s possible, but I myself am incapable of doing that. It’s one or the other, for me. I can love someone and be disappointed in them, but never love and hate at the same time. what was the last movie you watched fully? Hello, Love, Goodbye. are you currently hung up on anyone? Nope. single ladies or constant relationship people? ??? how many missed calls do you have on your cell phone? Within the past week, two. do your parents annoy you? My mom does. what color looks best on you? Black, navy green, maroon. are you jealous of anyone? More envious than jealous. what’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? SPEECHLESS Favorite Lady Gaga lyrics? Anything from Speechless. Seriously. Way underrated. where was the last place you went? Starbucks, to study for a few hours. what was the last thing to make you laugh? We were sharing stupid stories about Nacho yesterday to lighten up the mood, like how he was dressed up head to toe in Uniqlo in his casket HAHAHA. We’ve also come to develop our own conspiracy theory for laughs that Nacho actually just moved to Germany so he can finally achieve his dream of becoming fluent in German and that the person we saw in the coffin wasn’t him, and that he’s not actually gone. I found comfort in that and it’s helped me cope with the loss, and I’m sure it’s helped others too. He would’ve found the jokes funny, anyway. is letting go hard for you? Yes. any last words? I’m exhausted. I miss you, Nach.

[endlessgreysky]

August 10, 2.04 am

Fun thing about ptsd is that my brain protects itself from things, until it doesn’t. A lot has happened recently and I went numb for actual weeks, and I just had a tiny moment where I felt a tiny emotion and suddenly every emotion just rushed into the crack so quickly I had a panic attack.

Lost one of my friends. Out of everyone I’m friends with she’s the one I’d expect it from, she’s the one who’s problematic enough on her own that I honestly didn’t feel anything but rage at what happened. Then I felt nothing, and I felt a little weird and bad for it but it was more important how my friends were feeling anyway. The drama is between my best friend and her, so I’m just here being pissed because my best friend is my person and I’m wildly overprotective of her. But my other friend is like the ex-friend’s person, so it’s awkward bc she’s going to keep being friends with all of us and she just wants us to work it out. She talked to me about it yesterday and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since. The first thing I did when the drama happened was remove her from social media everywhere so she can’t contact me without it being a “request” so that I can choose whether or not I engage. Thinking back I’m just beating myself up because I’m so used to dealing with drama that I never stopped to think if that was the best idea in this situation. And it’s not like I’m super excited or ready or willing to let her even a tiny bit back into my life, but in all honesty everything I feel towards her regards what happens with my best friend, so if they work things out I’ll still have removed her everywhere. I guess I got so used to losing friends and everything being impermanent that it took me this long to realize the friends I’m losing now are the ones I’d started to consider family.

I’m pissed at her, a part of me hates her, a part of me never wants to even look at her face again, but it hurts. It’s just this nagging ache that I felt when I realized that she was my family for awhile and I just shattered a part of my family since she’ll always be around as long as my other friend is. And that ache is what let in all of my other feelings as something besides my numb depressed state.

My mom had someone she loved die today and threw herself into a dinner with my dads shitty fucking family right after. They condescended her because that’s what they do, they condescended me because they think she doesn’t know how to raise me, and honestly I just hate being around them and it was in the house I grew up in and it was just really uncomfortable. Not to mention that my dad exists to make me miserable. But my mom thought things were going really well and she was actually feeling great when we went home, only to find that my cousin posted the picture she took while my mom watched her take it, and tagged everyone in it except my mom. And it made my mom upset and excluded and all of those feelings which made me really upset bc no one gets to ever fucking make my mother feel that way. She deserves better. Quite honestly, I deserve better, but I don’t care enough about myself for that.

My two best friends in the entire world deserve better too. The one I talked about earlier has a lot of dumb family drama and it’s been a hell of a lot worse lately, and there’s nothing real I can do to help her besides talk about how nice it’ll be when we have an apartment together. It’s not very reassuring since I don’t even have a job yet. And her birthday is coming soon and her family is just remaining shitty as if she’s not about to turn eighteen which should be huge and exciting. And my other best friend goes through a lot and I just can only help her so much through text but she lives in another country so there’s literally nothing more I can do to help her. It’s the worst feeling in the world, to want to fix something or help someone and literally being unable to do it.

I’m really lonely. I still haven’t told my mom about my ptsd and I’ve kind of been closed off because I don’t want to tell her anymore. My best friend lives in another country, my other has a job, and my only other real friend now is moving into a dorm soon. Those are my people and they’re amazing people and I love them with everything in me but it’s just like, there’s something missing. I guess I was really in love with this guy that broke my heart and it’s not even him anymore, it’s just that I miss that feeling. I’m tired of being alone. And almost all of my trauma is from my ex, so being in a healthy relationship is literally the only thing that works best to heal and shit bc it replaces the bad memories with good ones. My therapist says if I do that enough it should blot them out a lot, and it’s worked so fucking well with my friends that I’m just dying for it to happen romantically. I’ve been having more flashbacks and nightmares again bc my ex is back in town and it’s just looming over my head. And just bc all of my mental health is getting worse. And I have a lot of methods to cope now that are helping, but there was something about my recent ex that just helped. Like, I had a flashback once and he wrapped his arm around me and that was all it took to calm me down. It was just the feeling of being with someone in that way that was safe and comfortable and it was something I’d never felt before and idk if I’m a junkie for it or if I miss it or what but I don’t know how to really get better without that happening. And it’s going to take so much time for that to actually be able to happen again and it’s just killing me ig. I’ve also jumped into this self destructive state where I’ve convinced myself that I want or even need to see my ex again for like closure or some bullshit, as if I don’t know the fucking panic I would go through even if we stayed forty feet away from each other the entire time.

My life has gotten so quiet and depressed recently that I’ve stopped listening to music most of the time, which is like ridiculously sad. And concerning. Music is literally the thing in this world that means the most to me that I care the most about and I just don’t fucking care about it right now. I don’t feel like I have the mental energy. I have no idea why or what’s wrong with me but you know what? It’s terrifying me.

I’ve been drowning all of my problems in fanfiction like nobody’s business. It’s wildly problematic bc I’m burying my feelings, I’m not doing anything bc on the days I don’t read all day I’m sleeping all day bc I read all night. I haven’t written anything for my novel in a month now and I’m very aware of it but I couldn’t be bothered to work on it, which is bad bc I’m about two weeks away from missing my second goal for it and I’ll beat myself up a lot once I start having feelings again. (Funnily enough I’m going numb again now that I’m getting all of my emotions out here.) I’ve deadass cancelled plans with myself and other people to read the fanfiction. And like it’s great fucking fanfiction but it’s getting far passed even the term unhealthy. In fact, I literally started crying during my panic attack earlier because I’d convinced myself Wade Wilson was so real that when reality hit I couldn’t handle it. It’s like I was using Wade comforting Peter (Parker, its Spideypool) as my own emotional comfort in that kind of relationship way I’ve been missing. And even knowing he’s not real I’ve been taking a lot of comfort knowing he would beat the shit out of my ex if he ever met him. But yeah I’ve been channeling myself through their relationship and living through it and it’s been one of my most incredible acts of escapism yet, and then I realized I don’t actually have someone to hold me when I break and reality crashed onto me so much fucking harder. And I think it’s also that I know Wade’s character enough to trust him and so I’ve become a fictional characters emotional leech and I let it get so intense unintentionally that I literally couldn’t handle the reality that didn’t have him in it. This kind of makes me sound crazy lmao. Funnily enough, I used to have breakdowns like this a lot whenever I got way too into my escapism. But usually it was just a lot of sadness - the only other time I had one at this level was when I started to realize that my entire fantasy universe wasn’t going to come to life when I grew up. Basically, I had a very intense childhood but like fuck i was lonely back then and I guess I must be that lonely now. At least this time I’m creating fake significant others instead of having only imaginary friends.

My therapist and I haven’t been able to meet much over the summer and it’s been enough for me to pull back and make my issues seem better than they are, which is probably a lot of the reason I’m suddenly a fucking mess. Luckily for me, she’s gone this week so I won’t get to see her 🙃. But anyway, I think I got everything out and I definitely feel like this helped. I needed to vent in a way I haven’t done in a while. I’ve also been being misgendered a LOT on my recent trips and it’s all by family which affects me worse bc they know my identity and don’t work to correct themselves. So that’s not helping. And it might be almost 3 am now but I’m definitely diving straight back into fanfiction for awhile longer before going to bed. I can admit I’ve taken it way over the top but escapism is my bitch for a reason and I’m not giving up on it now. I think I am gonna try to make some sort of note for my therapist so that I don’t keep talking about my issues like they’re better than they are. I always do it but with her it’s a problem lmao. Oh, I’m also avoiding sleep tonight bc I don’t want nightmares. So there’s that gem. I turn 18 in 15 days and I’ve stopped making plans bc I literally don’t care anymore. Taking stock on the things I’ve stopped caring about, I’m literally a huge fucking mess and I didn’t even realize. Oh! And I’ve also started having a lot of self esteem issues bc it’s hot outside and my stretch marks on my thighs show with my shorts on. That hasn’t been a problem for me in years.

Anyway, I think I’m finally done now. I seriously doubt anyone read all the way through this long ass vent, but on the off chance that you did, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re having a better time than I am, you deserve all of the good things and I hope you’re getting all of them and more. Please have a good morning, day, or night. Stay hydrated and do something nice for yourself bc you deserve it! All my love 💕

Chris xx

[drawacharge]

I'm a nuisance so here's a shit ton of questions =/ Cal - 10, 11, 13, 18, 22 / Camilla - 8, 14, 16, 23, 27 /Ant - 7, 9, 20, 24, 29 / Hannah - 2, 4, 15, 26, 39 / Daniel - 5, 13, 15, 22. And also, answer B, D and E for all the characters =] that's all

 god, cindy, you make me & my ocs feel so loved.

so, this is very fucking long, and under a read more because i highly doubt anyone cares except u. but also this was actually very fun so thank u.

( cal ).

what lie do they most frequently remember telling? does it haunt them?

tbh cal’s most frequently spoken lie was probably literally everything he ever said in front of neil. and it absolutely does not haunt him. in fact, he probably smiled as pleasantly as one can when they secretly wish for your death.

how do they cope with confusion?

he definitely seeks clarification, asks you to specify or explain, etc. cal has like no social anxiety lmao. he has no problem speaking his mind.

what color do they think they look best in? do they? 

cal thinks he looks best in soft blues, and yes he absolutely does. however, cal looks great in everything so its not particularly hard to pull off.

what embarrasses them?

little. even when cal is shut down by romantic prospects he takes in pleasant stride. maybe if he like, pissed himself in public he’d be embarrassed, but that’s about it dfgd

how does jealousy manifest itself in them?

cal doesn’t really get jealous. in fact, he’s had girlfriends in the past that took issue with the fact that he doesn’t get jealous. however, cal figures that if you’re with him, its for a reason, so he has no reason to feel jealousy over your interactions with other people.

( camillia ).

what were they told to stop/start doing as a child?

camilla was a destructive ass child so, everything? she had a habit of ripping the heads off her little sisters’ barbies, so there’s that.

what animal do they fear most?

snakes. look, cami is a brave ass bitch. she has, on multiple occasions, offered– 100% sincerely– to go toe-to-toe with billy’s father. but when she sees a snake she’s done. she’ll climb a fucking tree to get away if she has to.

what makes their stomach turn?

neil hargrove & white people food.

how does envy manifest itself in them?

if she’s envious of something she can attain herself ( ie: an accomplishment, life style choice, etc ) it simply gives her motivation to do something about it. nothing motivates camilla more than wanting to be better than someone else lmao. except maybe resentment. 

what causes them to feel dread?

literally any and every time billy, ant, or hannah have to go home ( all three of which were raised within less-than-ideal home lives )

( ant ).

what triggers nostalgia for them? do they enjoy it?

sure. most people enjoy nostalgia, don’t they? i’d say the smell of fish and the sea mixed together since he would go fishing with his father a lot as a kid before he died. so, i guess its sort of a melancholy feeling.

do they swear? do they remember their first swear word?

he probably swears the least out of the group, but yeah, ant swears. his first swear was probably one of the more tame ones, though, like shit.

if they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

jesus christ, ok, uh. he’d say the difference between romantic and platonic is simply that he also wants to fuck his romantic partner lol. like, for instance, he has platonic love for cal, and romantic love for hannah. he could see himself spending the rest of his life with either of them, but he only wants to kiss and hold and romance hannah, not cal.as for familial he’d say it’s platonically loving someone to a point that you feel as if you’ve loved them that way your whole life. he feels this way to most of the group tbh, daniel especially who is his best friend and brother.

is sex something they feel comfortable talking about? to whom?

everyone in this group feels comfortable talking about sex, and all to each other. there ain’t one shy bitch in the bunch when it comes to that.

do they usually live up to their own ideals?

well, he tries. ant is 6′2″ and big. he speaks peace and being passive, however. the day before neil yanked billy from everything he loves and took him across the country, ant lost his cool and slugged the piece of shit across his face.

of course, neil had just put his best friend in the hospital and beat his own son, so, can you blame him?

( hannah ).

how easy is for your character to laugh?

super easy. hannah is very bubbly. she’d probably laugh at one of dustin’s jokes while billy shoots her a disappointed look from across the booth. 

how easy is it to earn their trust?

actually, not easy. hannah is friendly, but she’s not stupid. she’s basically that quots from captain america: winter soldier where nick fury is talking about how his father carried a gun on his walk to work every day, and when he explains why he goes, “my dad liked people, he just didn’t trust them very much” that’s hannah. 

how do they speak? is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

does she have a filter is basically the question i’m guessing. yeah, she does. most of them do except camilla and billy. and cal on occasion.

what is their preferred mode of transportation?

cal’s van lol. hannah hates driving, she doesn’t even have her license. if cal isn’t around to drive her, she just rides her bike.

how easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

depends on the flaw. billy has… issues, we all know this. sometimes he says shit he doesn’t believe, more or less just repeating his father, and she understands, but i don’t think ignoring is the right word. hannah is the mom friend. when billy, or someone else, says something offensive she goes, “hey, watch it,” and then explains like why they shouldn’t say that kind of thing.

believe it or not, calling billy out on his shit is the best way to deal with him. people just usually don’t. 

( daniel ).

how easy is it to earn their mistrust?

daniel is a sweet, good boy, and if you fuck him over he’s probably likely to forgive you. however, if you hurt one of his friends there’s no way in hell he’ll ever trust you again, even if said friend forgives you first.

what color do they think they look best in? do they actually look best in that color?

reds, blacks, and tans. daniel actually looks best in yellow, but he’d rather die than wear yellow, so.

how do they speak? is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

daniel has a great filter and knows how to be polite. he, however, lets it down around billy and would often speak his mind freely since billy was the last person on the planet to ever judge him for whatever he were to say.

how does jealousy manifest itself in them?

probably like. self-esteem issues. he gets edgy, maybe considers that there’s something wrong with him. he’d never show it though, never get pouty with his boyfriend or get snippy. he’d just internalize that shit. 

and now for the bit just for me i guess??

what inspired you to create them?

well, i always figured billy had a friend group in cali he hated leaving behind, and i made daniel first because he was the boy billy had been caught fooling around with by his dad. the others came when i decided to write a jealous!steve fic.

idk, for me it’s important that billy had someone(s) in california, that he wasn’t alone or just playing a role like he is in hawkins. i think it explains his anger towards being ripped away even better.

have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

hm. i think they all started the way they are. i think, maybe briefly, i gave cami the buzz cut, but thought it’d just be too stereotypical for her personality. plus, i loved the idea of sweet, tiny hannah with season one eleven type hair.

are they someone you would get along with? would they get along with you?

hmm. i’d probably get along with all of them, but i’d probably still butt heads with camilla, just like i know i’d butt heads with billy if he was real. actually, if billy was real, we’d probably physically fight each other, but you call me billy anyway so no one is surprised.

also if hannah tried to mom me and chastise me too much i might hit her lmao.

[stantcn-blog]

         henloooo. it’s you’re friendly neighborhood shitposter: chloe !! i like being sad and being on ym gay shit what is new !! i’m very excited to be here, and be with my baby boy STANTON ,,, and,,, ofc, the other two (i tried mumu once and i ,,,, did not like it. it’s not for me. but ! i’ve got @hclcnc and @warrvns !!). now surprise, he may look soft but he’s got a mouth on him, yikes ! but let’s not wait i’ll get right into it. i’m here to plot, here to hand out my discord if you’d like. whatever !!

timothee chalamet. — oh, have you met stanton king? he is a twenty-two year old cismale that is feeling casual about the planet’s imminent doom. a music store clerk, this aquarius is known around town as the the frivoller, because he is humerous & adaptable, as well as bone-idle & apathetic. hopefully, stan will survive.

in short: his junior year of high school, in one of his classes they asked him where his family is from (like heritage) and he said, dryly, the trash. 

a trailer park boy turned meme god !! does a lot of drugs !! fucks a lot of people !! is angsty and cares vvv little about anything !!!

but shh don’t tell anyone: through the jokes about dying and death he kinda doesn’t want to get blown to smitherines. you didn’t hear that from me there.

so,,, there’s a boy who has a little sister and surprise, dad ups and leaves when he’s like ?? six?? his sister was four. left the fam squad hanging and forced to live in shit place where he was pretty sure the place was going to cave in on itself.

his mother, a real class a mom here, kinda just wanted get out, drink liquor, and watch desperate housewives. so what did she do ??? well she married an insurance man ofc !!

not like rich rich, but he was p well off and when stanny boy was 12, they moved across the city to a nice n clean house that smelled like clorox and well

the hating began

life fucking sucks ass according to ya boy. his sister was a little shit and they did not get along. his mom didn’t give two shits about them. their dad left. his step-dad, martin, was fine though. he was alright. but stanton was angsty and shit and fuck martin, right??

we’ll just skip over trash high school and smoking weed and fucking girls at house parties and kissing boys under bleachers. we’ll skip over him starting to use his humor to cope with literally everything. we’ll skip over all that.

he graduated and skipped town to hawley. not very far from his town but a forty minute drive. enough to piss off from his family. 

ya boy got into conspiracy theories and p much just mooched off martin’s life support money. got high every day, listened to podcasts about how time isn’t real and the lizard people are coming. his mind was just being filled with absolute trash he wouldn’t need unless he was with his buddies and needed to spit it out.

but he  also ?? started developing ??? a substantial twitter ?? like it was mostly shit posts and his own gripes on the world but it had gotten really fucking popular and suddenly he was twitter famous. which was alright because, hah, ya boy’s a slut for attention.

right now, he works at a music store and uses his paychecks to buy more cassette tapes*, that wacky tobaccy, and shit he doesn’t need. but rent ! he can keep up w that.

idk he’s a piece of shit.

FUN FACTS ::

** when stanton was young, he found a box of old cassettes and a tape recorder. it was his dads, and he only knew that because he found a couple full ones with his voice on it. just memos or verbal diary or something. while stanton fucking hates his dad, he kept those few tapes of his voice in a little shoe box and started doing the same. a little verbal diary that he chimes into now and then. he carries his hand held one w him wherever he goes, but he has a nicer one at his place. w a little mic and everything. he’s got a lot of shoe boxes tucked away of his stuff since he was like,,,, ten.

he has two borbs !!!  saturn and venus !! bc space is cool ig. they’re the light of his life and probably the only things he’s soft towards. seeing him w his birds are a sight, let me tell you.

is very bisexual and does not give one (1) shit about it.

in fact, tends to have a problem blowing guys in the arcade bathroom but ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

has insomnia. rarely sleeps until his body literally crashes and burns. or he just smokes way way way too much and shuts down. he’s one of those people who thinks sleeping is a waste of productivity and while ??? he does nothing ??? productive ?? he doesn’t do it.

practiced magic when he was a kid. can still do some neat slight of hand tricks when he wants to. only usually does it when he’s trying to get laid. he’s a nerd.

is that bitch who says smoking is bad as he’s pulling out his pack.

uhm,,, shitposter meme lord pls leave him alone.

jk pls dont

CONNECTIONS IDK ??

he probably needs a roommate. sorry to whoever that is.

a dude bro squad for the love of god ???????????????? like three of four guys that put up w his antics and really they’re all just children together, popping pills and going out for wild night and riding trash cans down the street or laying in mcd’s booth at 3am talking about bigfoot ?? going to the arcade to try and beat each other’s pacman scores ?? idk dude bro shit man.

uhmmm,,, idk people he’s fucked ?? and fucked over. i mean that’s literally everybody so gosh sorry.

my tags don’t work but i don’t want to fix it bc i’m a Slut for aesthetics and they look nice, so for the wc tag, the only one that rlly matters, i made another tag to follow it that will work, but there’s only 1 thing there lmao

reall,y anything, he needs shit to fuck up !!

yeah... so... that’s my guy. he’s garbage. take him as you will. if you wanna plot let’s do that !! now onto my other two kiddos ... .. ..

[jaspertheshark]

I asked a simple question and you acted like I'm saying "why dont poor people just stop being poor." And now you're calling me nasty for being stupid about a simple question? You're the one with the shitty unsatisfying life like since you've made every little problem in your life public on here always whining about other people or your body or bitching about god fucking knows what. You can say you're happy you're not me but look at you, living a shit life that makes you this unhappy

“okay listen homeslice we’re gonna get into some nitty gritty here cuz its lookin to me like you arent fully comprehending some things so lets get into this

first off im gonna start by saying that from my perspective, you are the same shitty motherfucker who has been poppin into my askbox for months complainin about the fact that i draw myself skinny and all that other bullshit. if thats not you youre gonna have to tell me outright but if you are that bitch you can piss yourself and i mean full offfense on everything im about to do here

now lets start with your two previous asks. the first one you sent me is this:

“Why are you living with your mother? Why don’t you find someone you can tolerate to room with?”

pretty straightforward question there slick but its got the implication that i have the money to pay to live somewhere! my response of “why dont poor people just stop being poor” is the essence of how i read the question! if you know i have issues with my mother then you fucking ought to know that i dont have any money or a job to speak of! how can i, a poor person, just all of a sudden pack up and find a place to go with someone else when i cant contribute? the only way i could is if i, well, stopped being fucking poor!

which brings me to your next ask

“Lmao wtf I never said that. I asked why don't you room with someone who isn't your mother who has a job and can pay rent. Essentially a replacement since you seem so keen on whining about your mom as much as you can. Jesus you've gotten so bitter and rude as time passes.”

i dont know where you live where you can just. pick up and live with someone outside your family and expect them to pay for all the rent. not that rent is the only issue here but lets pretend it is. what kind of disgusting person do you have to be to expect that you can LIVE WITH SOMEONE who isnt family, not just idk crash there for a few weeks, and have them pay all the rent for you? how can you possibly think thats acceptable? its not acceptable to do so with my mother either, but at least with her im still legally her dependent, and for your fucking information, she wouldnt even let me pay for her birthday dinner even though i could have just afforded that. i dont need to prove anything to you, but there is a fucking lot about my mother and our relationship that you dont know and frankly you dont need to. also, by the way, regarding the original point, nobody like that exists here. who do you think you are making the assumption that it’s just that easy? do you think i have options? DO YOU THINK I HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT ANY OF THIS? i dont. no, i DONT.

you think you know so much about my situation. you think you have all the answers to give dont you. but you only know as much as ive told you, and even then you only know what youve interpreted from what ive told you. i may vent on here but i have never once given every detail or every side. frankly its none of your business why any of this is the way that it is. and this is my personal blog where i can complain if i fucking want to because you know what? thats how i cope. so sue me. there are a million and one worse things i could be doing to cope.

if your goal with all of this was to be “helpful”, thanks but thats a huge fucking insult to my intelligence and capabilities. if your goal with this was to get a better understanding of my situation, you could have sent me an IM or, idk, picked less shitty questions. if your goal was to continue to be the asshole anon whom i believe you are, congratulations, you succeeded, now eat my ass.

[cheerisuu]

Im Back.

Boy, how time flies fast when you’re busy keeping things feel right. I mean, they’re supposed to be. I’m going to make this update as quick as i can and as precise as i can, bet i cant do both tho lmao.

It has been approximately 3 weeks since Rock Bottom (i guess it’s what you call it? Well, close.) and things has been quite, nice.

The month of July has really been a journey of what felt like forever. Today is the 12th of the month and i have come to the point where i realised that the mind is the only thing that keeps us from doing or achieveing something that we want. And this applies to a couple of situations:

I learned how to do a buck tuck.

This is one of the few things i achieved as i underwent through a “therapaeutic healing” after the incident. I surrounded myself with the few people that im friends with in our Pep Squad and fortunately my friend Dapitanon, P. also had a common friend which made our days more progressive. Just the act of cheering for each other to do one’s best really lifts everyone’s morale.

“It’s really all in the mind.”

We ARE physically capable of doing things but our mind seems to think that there’s an invisible obstacle that prevents us from pursuing what we want to achieve. I realise this as we were practicing for a back tuck, which i proudly achieved (with a spotter pa hehe). But that achievement was already some proof that if i can have control over my body, i can do all things if i just believe just enough to do it right. Heck, I think I’ll attach my tuck video somewhere on here.

1st of July.

We went to a dog cafe.

Idk what’s with me but i really like to do something special at least once a month with him and WITHOUT telling him. After all, I can’t just let myself be carried away with the emotions that lead me almost to the verge of thinking it was over, right? So despite our awkwardness and difference of treatment (slight), I still picked him up (with miraculously good timing too) with our Navara and was able to use it for the whole day before returning it back to my Granddad’s. Did i mention he got car sick? It was the cutest. (Am i weird for saying that? Doesn’t matter tho lmao) i thought of going to the dog cafe cause i was thinking, “Hey dogs can like help with your mental and emotional health right? So why the frick not.” Im surely going to post a little GIF here somewhere on how cute the doggos were. And when i tell you, dogs CAN bring the purest out of anyone. We literally were like talking to babies man and boy the dogs were HUUGE, only the pugs were like “hey hooman u can luv me unlyk diz oder bitchez” haha. But if ever things do go well for us in the future, we are DEFINITELY going to get a golden retriever man. It’s my dream!

Anyways, we also got to watch our first movie as “barkada pero gusto ang isat isa” or BPGAII, it was Toy Story 4. And bitch, dont get me started on how we were wondering if it was a child’s movie or not coz boi, we did NOT like the jump scares at ALL. But still, me being an emotional, soft potato, it still made me cry in the end. The meaning behind was great it was all about taking the risk, which was kind fitting? For him at least hekhek. Basically Woody chose to be with his hoe, Bo, for Buzz, his bro. But this aint no movie review so, *boop.

I gave him my skin care?

Ok tbh this was so random right. He realised my skin was glowing better (coz bitch, we aint lettin no sadness ruin this skin ya feel?) so he asked what was i using cos he was contemplating on his gorgeous face that he was getting ugly now. (The audacity, am i right?? Lol) so i CLEARLY (no pun intended) put into the effort of giving him some travel bottles and put in some samples of what moisturiser and micellar water i was using right, and i guess it worked out well? I also got to drive it TO him still. But the good side of this was i was able to be with my Granddad and spend some time together as his driver hihi.

LADY DRIVER.

So I’m getting good at this driving thing right, as driving from Malaybalay to Cagayan, Davao to Tagum and vice versa, Tagum to Maco and back. So i might as well be good at city driving and yall cant tell me otherwise lol,

(SIDENOTE:except for the fact i got stopped by the Yellow Ranger in Ecoland coz i was at the left lane at a traffic light and my mom told me to go straight WHICH WAS WRONG I GUESS THATS A THING RIGHT, so i was almost charged 1500 pesoses. But thank Heezuz i was with my mom and she was able to talk through the officer but sadly we had to name drop my Granddad since he was a known regional director at LTO before. Sorry Pops, i swear it’ll be the first and last time.)

Back to real time, i helped him with his errands and was really lucky with the timing coz my Dad went off for a trip and my mom was left with his car. So yup, got the chance to borrow it for half of the day and drove all the way to Maa to get a keyboard his friend is letting him use for the mean time, her name is Jen and she’s the sweetest. (No backstory will be dropped for privacy). Aight, so we drove back to their house at Magallanes but didn’t have enough time to say hi to his folks coz it was noon and they were on siyestas, right. I still regret why i didnt like fake-pee or something tho. HahahahahahahDONTJUDGE. We ate for some late lunch at SML and felt korek coz before we joke about “asa ta nag park?” And now we get to be in the situation haha. It’s funny coz just when i thought things were detoriating between us, the world just chooses to keep things tight and close and say something like “oh, u guys are having an emotional conflict and struggle about ur relationship? Here are things that only REAL couples do and i hope u enjoy em!!” Dumbass. Jokes aside, I drove him home and goodbyes are still awkward, but i was starting to understand the type of ‘low-key’ he means.

Usapang Gym.

Oh wow it’s already the fifth point. If you manage to read this far, congrats! You get nothing but to keep on reading this rollercoaster wreck lmao. I wasn’t expecting he would pay the whole month at our gym and expects me to come with him. And it came to me: i kept on thinking that i should ask for assurance but in reality, he really does mean what he said about just being “me”. Things were different but things also got better. It’s like losing some and gaining some right? Like a body excrcising, losing weight, gaining muscle, idk its a weak analogy but its close enough for yall to understand. It’s our first week today, (it’s Friday) i hope i could keep up tho haha. I guess I’ll keep progress updated? Idkidkidk. Also, i got to mention thats he is VAIN af. Idk if its a good thing or just a tragedy waiting to happen haha. I also became his coach, (oha san kapa haha), he told me he wanted help with increasing his verticle as he would help me with abdominals. So i bought sets of ankle weights only to find out the first one didnt suit him so i had to buy another set. AND IT WAS HALF THE PRICE I BOUGHT THE FIRST SET AND IT WAS BETTER. Prices will be disclosed. (250) So i like, i do my own workout right and he suddenly shows his hot-headed side of things coz he was upset he had to go home early coz there was this no-towel-no-workout policy at my gym so we had to cut our day short.

In times like these, my mind just goes to places to different situations. All the what-ifs start filling up my mind on how he could react to other situations that would cause a similar effect on what his character was showing right. But in the end, i still give kudos to myself coz im able to keep up and cope with how quick his personality changes sometimes. And sometimes, im the one with a crack on the head lmao. Well, most of the time.

TAKE AWAYS.

Fast forward to this very moment, its 11:30 in the evening and im recalling all of this on a positive note. Today was an addition to a great day we had as a rest day from gym. We watched Spiderman: Far From Home and i guess its now my current favorite and HAD to watch it twice.

Speaking of Twice, bruh i want to do a dance cover so bad of #Fancy or #YesOrYes coz i been itching and the choreo is sooo goood! Not to mention Twice was in Manila last 29th of June. *sighs in broke* but i cant say it was the best concert from them coz there were complications like Jungyeon had a sty and was wearing an eye patch the whole concert, Dahyun got sick after along with Mina who wont be attending the 2019 Twicelights Worldtour because she gets anxiety attacks and feels insecure about performing on stage suddenly. I mean i know you got no idea what im talking about but its just sad to think of the fact that even someone so adored by many people, someone who has great physical, social and emotional support, can still feel the lack of these mentally. And if you’re one of those people who feels anxious about anything? I hope you get well soon and i hope you find the true meaning of your purpose in this simulation, because you are not alone. x

In addition to almost wrapping this up, i also treated myself again something from Adidas (coz again, bitch, if no man gon treat me i gon treat myself! HAHA!) which i later on realise i now own 3 bags from there and thinking to get a fourth one....someone help me¿ i also have to mention i already treated myself about a week ago (🎶) by waxing my own axillae, grooming my own brows, a gorgeous lippie from Beauty Cottage called Elegant Impressionist shade #9 Byzantine for half its original price haha, nothing beats fishing me through a sale. Speaking of treat, my Dad gave me my first pair of Tigers man and i cant help but tell yall its the same pair that the He wanted and it totally pissed him off that i got the pair he wanted first so bad and now he doesn’t know what to do coz he’s afraid if we have the same pair we might wear it at the same time and it would be cringy and weird (now for normal people that would sound cute right, matching kicks and all. But no. Not in this lifetime.), since im just blabbering of how im spoiling myself might as well end it here folks.

Guess I’ll keep you updated on how stuff might go on from now since class is fast approaching. Tomorrow I guess I’ll be attending a send-off party for our friend she’s going to the U.S soon. Oh, did i mention the re-run for Endgame is out? 🤔

[avpdnoisearchive]

So. rmr last night how i was like ‘uh i shouldn’t get too happy bc something always goes wrong’? well. something went wrong. i fuckin knew it but i continue to be a dumbass naive person who believes i’ll get to be completely happy one day. which is obviously wrong because i’m cursed and i’m not Allowed to be happy

so the long and the short of it: the apartment building that i fell in love with and is perfect for me isn’t pet friendly. without getting too much into boring details, dude that i’m subletting from thought it was pet friendly and advertised it as such but when i went to sign the official papers today, i found out it was not.

devastated is such a goddamn dramatic word but it’s really the only word to describe what i felt. i completely 100% planned to get a cat. this apartment hunt has been such a bitch because i only looked at pet friendly/cat friendly places which severely limited my search. i literally told my mom that my number one priority is that it’s pet friendly, i won’t consider anything else. second priority is location, then price, then everything else.

it was so firm in my mind that i was getting a cat that being told i wouldn’t be able to ruined me.. and like, listen. i know there are actual bad things in the world and worse things have happened to me personally. this was just a weird thing where i suddenly had to completely shift something very, very important to me. i want SO BADLY to give a good home to a cat in need (i was planning on adopting an unwanted elderly cat). my family cat has been the main thing that has gotten me through this garbage year. the amount of times i’ve been absolutely sobbing, just totally torn apart, and sought out my cat and was instantly comforted. i wanted that so badly in my new place because doing a phd is stressful as hell and i need all the emotional support i can get.

so anyway i’m rambling too much but essentially i cried for about an hour and made an impulsive appointment with another apartment building (keep in mind i was leaving the city in literally about 5 hours so i was so pressed for time. stress was a big factor). that other apartment building was pet friendly but it was awful..... terrible upkeep, bad location, and way more expensive.

so eventually i came to the decision that i just can’t sacrifice all the good the original apartment offered just to have a cat. i signed the papers with the original apartment and made it all official. and i am happy about that apartment otherwise, it’s amazing in every way except the no pets policy.

and i am starting to come to terms with it. the lease is only a year, so i could spend time next year looking for a nice pet friendly place! there’s also actually the option that i could get a psychiatrist to sign a form saying i need a cat for emotional support for my mental illnesses (which is not a lie in anyway lmao, i definitely do). i’m still on the fence about this because i know it would piss off the landlord but it’s nice to know that’s an option in case i lose it and genuinely cannot live without a cat (also keep in mind i’ve lived with cats my whole life and the year i lived without one felt VERY lonely and awful in that respect)

anyway i am still extremely bummed about this. i hope in the next few weeks before i move i’ll process it even more and come to terms with not having a cat and maybe come up with strategies to cope. right now i’m just mostly upset about having gotten so excited and hopeful and to have that destroyed so quickly. i feel like nothing completely good can ever happen to me. like the universe is keeping track of my happiness metre and whenever it gets above 10% happy, it needs to go back down asap. it’s very upsetting and frustrating and to think that life is always going to be like this is kinda unbearable?

also i’m v aware this might sound whiny but it’s hard to get across all that i’m feeling and thinking right now. i am VERY much grateful and excited and happy that i have the ability to have an apartment in a city that i grew to love in the past few days. i’m so privileged to get to do a phd. my heart is so full with all those thoughts!!!! i just got way too set on having a cat and having to do a 180 REALLY threw me off. but this isn’t forever, it’s just a minor set back and a bummer.

anyway wow this might be my longest post yet which is incredible considering all my posts are long. u can see how emotional i get about cats..... idk what my final thought on this is yet because i’m still dealing with the thoughts and emotions but basically life is a wild fuckin rollercoaster that i am not equipped to deal with

[http-rory-blog]

helo there palios, it’s super nice to meet ya’ll/be a member of this group. you all seem so damn sweet? like? already in love over here?? anywho, the name is rachel, twenty years old and a member of the gmt+1 timezone. this little shitbag right here is loml rowan rory, who i’m excited to further develop with ya’ll.  you know the drill, below the cut will be a series of bullet point information about rory herself, followed by whats probably me rambling about possible plots with a lot of ‘???’ here, there and everywhere. 

i saw VICTORIA JUSTICE today walking around the fair. Wait, no that was ROWAN 'RORY ANDERSON, the TWENTY-ONE year old CISFEMALE. i’ve heard SHE is currently a BAKER in Clairemont and people say they’re AUDACIOUS & QUICK-WITTED. Watch out though because i’m sure that i’ve also heard people say that they’re SHORT-TEMPERED & CONCEALED.

TW: MENTIONS OF VERBAL ABUSE.

rory, as she prefers to be referred as, was born and raised in clairemont. to this day, she’s still to ever even leave the small town. having never ventured beyond it’s welcoming signs even for a vacation. 

once upon a time, rory did have a smooth-going home-life, her mother and father were over the moon with the blessing of a beautiful baby girl. though it wasn’t to last long, with rory being a colic baby, it drove her father absolutely mad. he couldn’t stand the constant crying, and therefore tried to refrain from being in their home as often as he could, leaving his wife to do all the hard work.

cutting to the chase, he began to drink to cope with the situation. which eventually, resulted in him getting fired from his job when he turned up to work entirely out of it. which unsurprisingly, only furthered his depressive state and need to sooth the pain with alcoholic substances.

around this time, he was never cruel or abusive toward rory or her mother, he did love them. however, he was unable to see through his depressive state he was quickly falling into and became nothing more than a deadbeat; a shell of a person he used to be.

it took years before rory’s mother had had enough, packing her bags one day and walking out the door. it seemed she packed everything, wiped the house clean of anything that was once hers, that was, everything but rory.

for days, the little girl waited day in, day out for her mother’s return; but it never came. when this reality did hit her, it hit her hard. rory was physically unable to understand why her mother left her behind, what she had done so wrong to deserve it.

since her mother left, rory and her father barely got along; with him refusing to do anything but watch television and sit on his ass all day, it left them struggling to make amends meet at times. as soon as she came of age, rory had to take responsibility, picking up a part-time job while in highschool to support them both

the further he progressed to practically never being sober, the more her father would often make comments toward the daughter he once loved and adored so much. it wasn’t that he was trying to intentionally hurt her; he thought he was being funny, amusing, spewing words at her about how she’d probably end up just like him, how neither of them had a future, they were nothing more than the scum beneath everyone else’s shoes, she is just as worthless as he is.

though, after years of saving extra pennies that weren’t spent on food or household bills, etc, rory finally saved enough that she could escape her childhood home, somewhere that once held comfort that had become a nightmare to return to daily.

also, she works in a bakery because somehow the sour lil bitch she is can manage to create some damn good treats tbh.

basically, rory can be pretty bitter, a bit of a pessimist at the best of times (although she tries to play it off as her being a realist), mommy issues??, tbh daddy issues too??, quite the lower class citizen, considering she any pennies she got growing up were spared on bills and food w/her father not working, doesn’t bother to try achieve or make anything of herself either as her mom and everyone else believe she’s going to wound up just like her dad so she’s like?? lmao probs so why bother try make something of myself. is very iffy about getting too close or attached to anyone; fearing they may leave, is generally a very daring person? like, if you told her to jump of a bridge she probably would like ??? idk man. also don’t tell her she can’t do something because she will prove you wrong even if it kiLlS hEr. 10/10 would fight you if you bug her enough, tbh even if you’re like 6′3 and 180 pounds she’d still try take you?? is she okay?? not rly but anWYay. that’s my smol feel free to hit up those dms if you wanna plot bECAUSE I’M A PLOTTING SLUT GIVE ME EVERYTHING. ALL THE DRAMA. I WANT IT ALL.

 i’m gonna throw out a couple of possible connections while they’re floating around my brain, but tbh i work better brainstorming 99.9% of the time so slide into my dms and lets get out plot on.

lowkey i’m always down for the big brother/little sister type of plot, that’s lowkey my aesthetic tbh oops.

it would be pretty cool to maybe even have her mom’s kid(s) around? like, i feel like her mom has 100% moved on and gotten married and is living her picture perfect little life, meanwhile rory is just being bitter af. 

i can only really see her having one or two friends she’s like.. deathly close to? like they would probably know bits and pieces about the stuff that has gone on with her dad, especially if they grew up in clairemont like herself. but these would be her ride n die kinda friends ygm??

on that note, give me just those like.. party friends? like people she drinks with or gets high with etc etc.

frequent customers, she works in a bakery so..?? idk?? just a lil idea. 

someone she used to be incredibly close with when they were young, but after all the shit went down with her dad and mom she pushed them away, to this day she still gives them the cold shoulder and the other has no idea why. at this point, neither does rory. 

hookups/fwbs, she’s not really a relationship person bc trust/commitment issues 101, but she probably fucks around a lot. 

lowkey give me a plot like ‘we said no strings attached but now we’re in knots’. 

there’s probably a handful of people she doesn’t get along with, she’s really easy to piss off and generally would just get irritated quickly by someone and decide then and there she doesn’t like them. 

hatefuck??? i mean, speaks for itself, they argue and bicker a hella lot.. but then always end up fuckin’.

loWKEy, this could go along w/the hatefuck or fwb plot but like.. gimmie a plot were neither of the muses like sleeping alone or at least like, they prefer sleeping together? so they’ll fuck n whatever or even make excuses to do so just so they get to wound up literally sleeping w/one another; like all snuggly and it’s just.. at least rory wouldn’t want to admit she enjoys it so she’d cover it up w/being like ey come over n bang?? 

this is a mess

okay so, i think that’s all i got for right now, but ima hit ya’ll up and whatnot because i 100% wanna plot with evERyoNE. 

[feminafatalis]

i wanna talk about laura cheating on shadow and what it means in terms of her morality and like what kind of person she is, but since cheating is a rough topic i’m gonna put it under a read more. please do read this if it won’t be triggering for you though because i think it’s gonna be really important to understanding my portrayal of laura! this may not be free of spoilers, but as far as i know i’ve stuck mainly to information and details we already know from the show. if i go into book stuff, i’ll put a spoiler warning

so okay, first things first: i’ve seen some stuff in laura’s and emily’s tags about laura being a bitch or a whore, etc and i’m not even gonna address that tbh but someone brought up like not condemning her for like the sexuality of it, but examining her morals. and that’s 100% valid!!! but they said like her ‘shitty morals’ or something and honestly?

laura isn’t morally shitty. she’s morally weak.

because if you think for a second laura like??? doesnt know what she’s doing is fucked up and wrong, then we are seeing two very different lauras.

and yes, she does it anyway. but that is not indicative of some like moral seed of evil. she’s lonely and sad and weak.

i don’t think robbie ever forced himself on her or really even took advantage of her because she definitely had most of her agency in the situation, but i also see so many indications that???? no part of her actually wanted to be with robbie. like as sad as it is, robbie is a complete stand-in for shadow. when she mentions being with him, she often mentions being drunk. she, as far as i can tell, drinks to ease the guilt she feels sleeping with robbie. (again, i’m not saying any of this is right, but i am saying that laura didn’t one day go ‘fuck shadow i wanna get laid’ and sleep with robbie)

robbie was a drunken mistake that made her feel special and safer and loved. i’m also going off of the fact that in book canon, shadow isn’t super expressive (which i’ll get into more later and im gonna put a spoiler warning)

i also don’t think laura’s friendship with audrey is particularly healthy. it’s 100% tenuous, probably a little high school. im certain that they don’t get along more often than they’d like to admit. of course i’m not trying to minimize what audrey’s going through (and i think the show and betty gilpin did a really good job of like portraying how much it fucks her up) but there are aspects of her personality that i could identify as seriously clashing with laura’s. i think audrey was a little more cynical, probably a bit more biting and sarcastic in her everyday life. and i think laura, before her death, was the kind of positive you only are when you’re really making an effort. laura doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom (clearly evidenced by the fact that shadow doesn’t get along with her mother. shadow meant the world to laura and if her mom was ever unkind to him i really don’t see laura tolerating that)

shadow was laura’s best friend, if not (by the time they got married) her only real friend. is that healthy? of course not. but it was definitely a reality. laura has people she’s friendly with. but her circle is audrey, robbie, and shadow. audrey is her best friend on paper, but they are old friends and definitely grew to be very different people. robbie is the person who knew shadow and was shadow’s best friend, so it makes sense that laura is more drawn to robbie for companionship than audrey because he is more like shadow

so now let’s think about laura who’s just lost her best friend in the entire world. it’s her fault. she doesn’t really shy away from the fact that she is the reason shadow went to prison. i can’t remember if they go into detail about what happened, but he did it to protect her. so: 1) the love of her life/her best friend is in prison. 2) it’s her fault. 3) her ‘best friend’ audrey is someone she connects with less and less every day. 4) robbie is there.

also!!!! laura is ABSOLUTELY self sabotaging. she knows sleeping with robbie will damage her relationship with shadow, and whether she is conscious of it or not, she thinks shadow is better off without her.

NOW let’s talk about that dick pic shall we?

gross.

so we see her phone, her texts to robbie seem to consist mostly of plans to meet. but he texts her that dick pic and she says DOWN BOY

i know this seems like im reaching but she is pretending he is shadow

it’s literally this big sweet inside joke that shadow is her puppy. they don’t go into it on the show which is absolutely obscene because it is the sweetest thing in the world and im gonna paste it in here for anyone who hasn’t read the book.

“When they got married Laura told Shadow that she wanted a puppy, but their landlord had pointed out they weren’t allowed pets under the terms of their lease. “Hey,” Shadow had said, “I’ll be your puppy. What do you want me to do? Chew your slippers? Piss on the kitchen floor? Lick your nose? Sniff your crotch? I bet there’s nothing a puppy can do I can’t do!” And he picked her up as if she weighed nothing at all and began to lick her nose while she giggled and shrieked, and then he carried her to the bed.“

So, yeah it’s a reach but I genuinely think Laura is just pretending Robbie is Shadow. She talks to him as if he’s Shadow, she gets drunk before she sleeps with him. She’s miserable because the love of her life is gone.

I’m not saying Laura is a morally pure person. But she’s not an inherently bad person. She did a bad thing out of desperation and emotional instability and now she’s dead and she can’t apologize because she doesn’t feel all that sorry because she can’t feel anything bc she’s dead. so yeah im not seeking to absolve her of guilt, but like she was also suffering a lot without shadow and the way she coped with it totally sucked! but i also see it as a very (tragically) human thing to do.

PLOT/BOOK SPOILERS BELOW

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another thing: i haven’t read this far in my reread so i don’t remember much detail but shadow is called shadow because he is a shadow of a person. that’s why i think his race is made to be a little bit ambiguous, he doesn’t talk much, and is all together pretty passive in the book. they changed these things because a) shadow as a protagonist needs to be a little bit more relatable/engaging, b) the show would be dry without dialogue, and c) like re: race you inherently have to choose a human to play the role and that person is inherently going to have a racial identity so like that’s just how that works

this is why i identified so strongly with shadow in high school, lol. he isn’t fully himself!!! he’s not fully alive, even! so obviously that factored into laura feeling so distanced from him. all she got were phone calls, potentially rare visits where he was likely suffering a lot emotionally and thus may have been even more distant? and like that’s not his fault, but again laura is a weak person. she needs a lot of love and care and reassurance which shadow can’t possibly give her in prison. it’s not his fault, it is her fault, but shadow has sympathy for her so i ask that you do too! and like you probably do bc you’re following me but ive seen a lot of hate in her tag and it just made me sad bc she’s so complex and to just write her off as a sack of shit is totally reductive bc she was definitely like wracked with guilt when she was alive. we just don’t see it now bc she’s dead and like expressing whatever guilt she had to shadow doesn’t make sense to her because its over, she already did it. and what’s the sense in making shadow feel guilty or sorry for her?

so yeah thats my spiel im sorry it turned into such a rant. but if you got this far thank you omg! ur a star and i hope you understand laura’s nightmare of an existence a little better (at least according to me) lmao love y’all! pls go easy on my dumb zombie daughter

[zayadriancas]

Dnc season 3 thoughts warning spoilers ahead also very long and messy

I want to write my thoughts I have so many That was the most amazing season since season 12 in my opinion I don't know where to begin This is probs gonna be out of order because I watched all 10 episodes straight through no break only paused to type a post a few quick things on here •Maya's plot was by far my favorite I could relate to it so much, the suicide attempt was exactly how I attempted to, I didn't OD as badly as Maya but I took a lot that made me feel sick for days. The scenes with her mom especially where she threw the mirror made me cry. I've had so many similar outbursts like that. And feeling like no one was there for her. I understand why people shut her out, Grace was disturbed by the photos and Zig is basically Esmes property (not talking about the kiss but feels like he's not even allowed to talk to Maya because of Esme smh) I'll get to that later but like I've felt like that too like no ones here for me kike I only have one friend and I know he can't always be here for me but I feel like I'm not important to him and he knows I'm suicidal and depressed and I'll tie in what Lola said that I can relate to SO much, "It's like we have pain but we can't talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable" and I think that's how I make people feel and it sucks. Not that Maya really talked about her pain but she felt like no one cared. She even said "I feel like Tristan's there(hospital) because I exist" after bringing up Cam's suicide and Adams death (so glad they added him in there too because I found it weird that Maya was in a band with him and she wasn't at the funeral/bonfire or even mentioned it before) but anyway like idk where I'm going with this Maya's whole plot this season was so relatable and gave me so much tears The fact that she broke her wrists too omg 😭😭😭 but the most disturbing was the roof scene like the writers said it would be, omfg I'm so glad Esme and Zig found her and saved her I'm glad Katie made an appearance I wasn't ever the hugest fan of her but I'm glad she was there for Maya I already said this earlier but I cried when she performed the song she wrote for Zig And omg the way he tickled her was so cute THEY CONTINUE TO MURDER MY SOUL AMD I CANT BELIEVE MAYA KISSED HIM AND he finally learned his lesson to pull away when he has a girlfriend but he couldn't do that when he was with Maya UGHH I already said this but I hate Zig/Esme as a couple. I would even take Zace over this. She's so rude to everyone and I feel bad for her for what happened to her mom it's so fucking sad and I'm glad they finally told us her backstory. But the way she treated Maya, shay(especially shay but I'll get to that later) Miles, and just how she acts towards people in general. Every time Zesme kisses I cringe. I hate how she bumped Maya on purpose. Like Maya probably wasn't even aware Zesme was an official couple she knew back last season they were hanging out but it's not Maya's fault and I'm just so upset for Maya this whole season. I felt all of her pain She looked so gorgeous though I love her hair and her wardrobe this season •I love that they did a period plot. It's so realistic and relatable. I got my period at school before and bled over the back of my pants and didn't notice till way later and no one told me. Just laughed. Esme was such a bitch about it god when will that girl just shut up. Tiny was so sweet to buy Shay tampons but he shouldn't have given them to her in class lol. But I loved Frankie and Shay being there for each other this season and all their conversations. •Hunters plot I thought was gonna be lame but it actually was so funny. "Let's just agree for now that boners are funny" lmao and "we were gonna watch porn" and them all sitting there awkwardly lol •I normally don't like Zoe but I LOVED her this season and I'm so proud of her for being so confident and being open about her sexuality without caring what anyone thinks. Her and Rasha are great together I love them and I also love the Gracevas renewed friendship. ITS SO FUCKING SAD ZOES MOM KICKED HER OUT I HATE THAT BITCH. I'm so glad Grace is letting Zoe stay with her. •Like I said I loved Lola's line about her having pain but not being able to talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable like I said I can relate so much. I hate myself but I didn't hate Lola/Miles I just wish it hadn't been while he was with Tristan. But I did like their friendship a lot. I also love that Yael and Lola became friends. And I'm so glad they went in depth with the abortion plot it's so important and I'm glad everyone supported her. •Graces plot was so sad but IM GLAD SHE GOT A PLOT ABOUT HER ILLNESS and although it showed her friendship with Jonah it was all from her POV and although I suspect feelings (and I actually do ship them quite a bit tbh the scene on the golf course was so cute) it wasn't all about that it was about Grace choosing to take a chance no matter how risky and trying to live life to its fullest and I am so glad she's become the Grace we know and love this season. It made me sad when she blocked Maya's number but I understand why she did it. •Tristan at the end well throughout the whole episodes typing in his computer was so heartbreaking but I'm so glad he is awake and I'm so glad we got to see his mom finally. TBH the play the acting was so forced and had no emotion it made me cringe but I'm glad Miles told Tristan the truth. And Tristan typing into his computer "can we get pizza it's been 6 months since I've had pizza" omg •everyone there for Maya at the hospital in the end was great too even Zoe and Miles im so glad she has support. When zig said "I told her to leave me alone today" reminded me of when he said "I told cam to go away and he did" but I'm so glad everyone knows it's not their fault. I'm so so relieved and glad Maya's gonna make it and that she's gonna be okay. (Physically I mean) I know mentally it's gonna take time but I know she'll make it through this. •I don't care about Fronah but I feel bad for Frankie. What she did was wrong reading his messages but I can tell throughout the whole episodes especially when she told him in the car she wanted a break she was trying to be mature about it, I think aside from the message reading she handled herself fine throughout everything and as always I loved her friendship moments with Lola and Shay. •Miles's speech at the beginning about wanting to take someone's pain away from them and give it to himself made me cry so hard. As always, Esme pissed me off with how she treated him. Like I understand she was upset by the pictures but she should know better than anyone what it's like to go through seeing someone she loves going through pain and Miles was trying to cope in the only way he knew how. I get the pictures were triggering for the class and i get why it was asked to be turned off but to make him feel bad about it idk where im going with this im tired but anyway the whole thing just made me tear up •The whole zig/Esme sex thing and shit and every time they kissed made me wanna barf. Zig looked so hot though throughout this whole season. IM SO GLAD WE FINALLY KNOW WHERE ZIG LIVES AND OMG SAYING HE DOESNT HAVE A Family made me so sad. And like I already mentioned Esmes past shocked me and I feel so terrible for her. •Maya giving grace her ring I wanted to cry. Also when Grace said Maya was a crappy friend made me feel so upset like I get Maya kept bailing on plans but it was clear Maya was going through something. But it was clear Maya felt bad when she found out what grace was going through. Maya looking at the pics in her room made me so sad. I can't wait until she is happy like that again. She deserves so much happiness and love. •also I hope Jonah gets a plot about being in narcotics anonymous next season I'm glad they gave us something about him like we knew he had drug debts before but I thought they'd never bring it up again I'm glad they did even if it was briefly • shiny was adorable even though they kept fighting but they were able to make up which im happy for aside cuz from Zasha and the possibility of Grace/Jonah happening they are the only canon ship I care about. Well not the only one but the only one I believe will make it at this point I honestly thought Zesme would be done by ep 10 but they're still going strong and next season which is the seniors final season Maya will be recovering and Zig seemed to be over her this season and I just feel so sad I wanna have hope for Zaya but I feel like it's pointless. Of course what's most important is Maya is happy and healthy again and if she graduates happy that's all that matters to me. But Zesme being endgame terrifies me. I mean I love that zig and Maya interacted but zig mostly just seemed so wrapped up in Esme now and he had every right to move on but it still breaks my heart 😭😭😭💔💔💔 Anyway though aside from Zesme this season was amazing, totally amazing and had great plots in every episode and I was so hooked and it was definitely the best Next Class season so far. I can't believe all my faves will be leaving next season😭😭. This season was deff in my top 5 1: Season 4 2: Season 7 3: Season 12 4: DNC season 3 5: Season 11 So yeah I can't wait to see gifs of this season lol I wanna gif but I'm too tired. I wanna screencap but I'm so tired. After I sleep maybe. I'm emotionally drained from that amazing season