#which means ill still try. but at the cost of my sanity

[hangingfromchandeliers]

putting on my clown shoessssss there is NO WAY i can get taemin tickets today. the venue they picked for him is 1) 10 mins away from my apartment 2) WAY TOO SMALL for someone of his caliber

[thisgirlnamedblusy]

Can you make a story where reader protected Donna from danger that almost cost her life. Donna manage to save her but reader hs been unconscious for a weeks. While she's taking of her, Donna couldn't forget what almost happened to her lover. This became worst because of the severe mental illness that Donna has, but this time she's actually losing her sanity at this point but still clinging to the reader because she's the only one can make her sane. Miraculously the reader woke up, still injured but alive. Donna felt a sense of peace in her soul.

Note: Reader almost died because a soldier tried to kill Donna but she save her. The soldier is possibly a BSAA agent.

It's in Donna's POV, I want to see things her perspective especially when she starts breaking down.

Donna is also shy and weak not like most of her siblings so she struggled with this to.

Yesss!!!! Thank you for your request!!! I hope you like it and sorry about the language mistakes!!! :))))

Come back

Pairing: Donna Beneviento x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Angst, fluff, Donna's POV, mental health issues, Donna being Donna

Word count: 5,650

Summary: Please, let you light come back to my darkness...

N/A: Sorry about the language mistakes!!! Requests are open!!! I'm waiting yours!!! I love you all!!! :))

“Come on, Donna, it's just a walk,” you said in a tender voice, with those eyes you knew perfectly well I couldn't resist.

I sighed, shook my head and fought the gentle tugs you gave to my hand.

“We, we're better off at home,” I murmured, looking away and causing you to sigh tiredly.

Your pleading look didn't change.

“Come on, today is a too great day to be locked up in this horri… I mean, wonderful, dark house,” you said jokingly, swinging my hand with yours. “Please…”

“(Y/N),” I said a bit nervous, shaking my head again but, surprisingly, starting to think about your offer, as always.

You always did with me what you wanted, and I let you. I would do anything for you, always, (Y/N), always.

“Is that a yes?” you asked with a sufficient smile, completely ignoring my protests. I wish, (Y/N), I wish for once, you hadn't insisted.

“I didn't say yes,” I said, frowning, gently pulling you along, with an amused sigh.

“Now you did,” you joked in my ear.

How could I refuse?

“W, well, okay, okay...” I whispered defeated, unable to make you see how comfortable I was at home. I don’t liked going outside. Of course, you were always there to make those fears, which you said were irrational, disappear.

You jumped for joy and stole a kiss from me, one that relaxed my nerves even more. Your kisses had that effect on me, a wonderful effect. I returned it, unable to do anything but look at your eyes, your smile. You were my only addiction.

With a brief triumphant smile, you walked towards the door and I followed you, reaching out for my black veil, the one I never left off if I had to go out for some reason. I already knew I was a monster, you did too, but you denied it, you always denied it.

“Hey, no, leave it there,” you said, giving me a gentle slap to get me to let the veil go before I cover my face.

“But, but, (Y/N)… I have, I have to…” I stammered, trying to make you understand that I needed that veil, that the sunlight was a privilege that someone like me didn't deserve.

No, the world didn't need to see my deformed face.

I couldn't stop you from seeing it, but I could stop nature from being disturbed by my horrible appearance.

“It’s just a walk through the grounds. There's no one around here, you don't need it,” you said in a soft, comforting tone, definitely moving the cloth out of my reach.

I, in my perpetual madness, tried to snatch it from you, without success.

“Donna, stay still,” you said, this time with a firm voice, forcing me to remain paralyzed and nod defeated once again. “That's it... Good girl,” you whispered, pleased by my answer, by my shoulders falling helplessly and my slightly angry look.

“You like to make me suffer,” I hissed, unable, again, to face your decisions.

Deep down I knew you did it for me, you always did it for me.

“Yes, yes, I like to make you suffer...” you repeated rolling your eyes, without letting the smile disappear from your face. “Stop complaining and come here,” you ordered softly, gesturing with your hand. “Come on, come here.”

A bit reluctant, but motivated by that look, by that smile, I obeyed, grabbing your hand again as we left the estate. It was the first time in a long time that I could see the sun clearly, and it was blinding.

“If you feel sick, you get nervous or want to go back, just tell me, okay?” you said as we walked.

“I want to go back,” I whispered, in an embarrassingly childish tone. You laughed amused, arching your eyebrows and squeezing my hand tighter.

“You’ll see how good the fresh air is for you,” you said, ignoring my protest and kissing me on the cheek. “Besides, I’m here with you, holding your hand very tightly, see?”

I looked down, distrustful, looking at our intertwined fingers, my hand next to yours, fused into one. I don't know how you did it, but your advice always worked, relaxing my spirit.

Before I met you, I thought my life had only one purpose, one that I even doubted: to exist, to attend to the requests of my savior, Mother Miranda. Being named Lord was not a relevant change in my life.

I spent all those years alone, as if the world itself had forgotten me. I cannot be surprised by that. I, Donna Beneviento, never knew the meaning of appreciation, affection, love...

My misfortunes haunted me. I was unable to escape from my demons, from the illness that damaged my mind. Feeling powerful, with control over people should have been enough to give meaning to my life, but it wasn't.

The hours, the days, the weeks... Not even the passage of time had meaning in my old estate, I wonder if it ever did. No, nothing in my life could keep me away from the darkness, nothing could silence the voices in my head, my cries in front of the mirror, the nightmares…

Angie was a good support, but it wasn't enough. I guess my father thought the same when he gave her to me. It's a shame that she didn't serve any purpose. It was just to increase my problems.

People, conversations, human contact… All this stuff always sounded like something impossible in my head. I was aware that there couldn't be anyone, that no one would be able to understand me.

Solitude became my name. Isolation was my home. A horrendous monster, was my appearance.

I had already assumed my sentence, my sentence for existing, for being born in that cursed place, in that cursed family. There would be no remedy for my soul, or so I thought.

Then you came.

(Y/N), a girl from the village who dedicated herself to weaving, to selling her fabrics. What a curious coincidence. I needed those fabrics, you made them. Always, even before I met you, you had something I needed, something I craved.

Love was a dream for me. I could only get close to it in my books, in my dreams where a female hand held mine.

Was it your hand from the beginning? I have no doubt.

But, thanks to you, I knew what it meant to have someone by your side, someone who… loved you. Maybe it wasn't hard for me to fall in love with someone like you, a beautiful, smiling, cheerful girl… However, I still wonder what you could see in someone like me, (Y/N).

 I was, I’m a monster.

Your lips silenced my doubts with a kiss, one you gave me under my black veil. You said you never cared about what was underneath, you only cared about knowing if I was as crazy about you as you were about me.

I was, really, I was.

Loving you was easy, the fear of losing you wasn't. You should have abandoned me when my demons forced me to yell at you, to hurt myself. You didn't, you never left.

Like an angel I never had, your presence illuminated me. It revealed to me the little light left in my soul. Your hand, the one I dreamed of before I met you, held mine tightly to calm me down, to return to being that good monster you wanted to kiss.

The little sanity left in my tormented soul was like a thin thread that your perfect hands held. There came a point where I couldn't, I didn't want to live without you.

“Are you okay?” you asked, taking me out of my thoughts, entering that dark forest, walking slowly, in silence.

I nodded, smiling as I remembered you, as I thought about that first kiss, about all the ones that came after, about all the things you showed me. You showed me to love, and to be loved, just thinking about it could make my deformed face smile.

“I was just thinking,” I said, clearing my throat.

You nodded slowly, leaning towards me, resting your head on my shoulder, sighing in conjunction with the calm of that forest.

“Nice things, I hope,” you joked with a purr.

“Of course, tesoro, I was thinking about you,” I said whispering, making your cheeks blush while your gaze became shy.

Silence was our company again. That walk was certainly not a bad idea. Nothing could be bad if it was with you.

“You are very sweet, Donna,” you sighed, stopping and turning my head to give me one of your kisses, a gift much more divine than the Black Gods themselves.

“I try,” I said amused, moving your hair out of your face. I hated it. I hated seeing how the locks got in the way of your beauty.

Did you also feel the same when I put on the veil? No, impossible, you were an angel, I was the devil, a monster.

“Look, let's sit down, the sun is about to set,” you said, changing that sweetness into enthusiasm, pulling my hand towards the edge of a cliff, where an old tree seemed to catch your attention. “Come, sit down.”

I looked at you strangely, but I nodded, obeying you. I would always be faithful to you, (Y/N), I would do everything you asked me to do.

You let yourself fall in front of me, leaning against my body, completely relaxed.

“Are you comfortable, tesoro?” I asked, trying not to disturb the romantic atmosphere of that place with my husky voice. You laughed, looked at me, and shook your head.

“No,” you said abruptly, searching for something with your gaze. You located my arms, grabbing them and passing them around your waist, snuggling among them. “Now I am.”

You were right, it was a beautiful sunset. Maybe it was because you were beautiful. Gods, I love you so much…

“Donna,” you said, interrupting that relaxing calm, playing with my hands with a playful expression.

“Mm?” I murmured, resting my head on your shoulder, kissing you slowly on your soft cheek along with shy laughs.

“Come on, do it,” you said, moving away and looking at me expectantly. I frowned, confused.

“What?” I asked amused. Your cheeks blushed even more.

“You know…” you said with a soft voice, with shining eyes. “Speak to me in Italian, you know I love it,” you asked me, biting your lip.

I opened my mouth to fulfill your wishes once again, but some unpleasant cawing prevented me from doing so. The crows that used to rest in the trees of the forest flew away. It didn't take a genius to know that this was a bad omen.

“Wow…” you said, looking at the birds, curious like me. “What's wrong with those birds?”

“I, I don't know,” I said with a different look, worried.

My hands were starting to shake. It was time to go home.

“There are no lycans around here, right?” you asked, getting up scared by the strange behavior of the forest animals.

“No,” I said, standing up as well, looking around for the source of that horrible feeling that was starting to run through my body. It was like someone was watching us.

“I have a bad feeling,” you whispered, as if you too were focused on a danger you couldn’t see.

“Me too, let’s go home,” I said, grabbing your hand, almost pulling you along, heading back to the path that led us back to the safety of my darkness.

“Donna, wait,” you said, planting your feet on the ground, stopping abruptly. “Have you heard that?”

I shook my head nervously, grabbing your hand again. The chills were getting more intense. You, horrified by something, stopped again with your eyes wide open.

“Don’t, don't shoot,” you said with your hands up, looking towards a corner, where an armed man was crouching, with what looked like a rifle pointed at us.

“Get away, civilian,” that masked man said, focusing his attention on me.

I was paralyzed. I didn't know how to react to that strange threat.

“Donna, watch out!” you screamed, lunging at me just as a thunderous shot echoed in the forest, followed by a flash of light. There was no doubt, that man had come to kill me.

“Back, stay back (Y/N),” I said, pushing you away from my body and dodging another shot. I should have noticed you, I should have.

“Shit,” the man whispered, trying to reload his gun. It was too late for that poor bastard.

I walked slowly, keeping my monstrous gaze on that strange mask. He was going to pay for what he had done, no doubt. With a strange calm, which I needed to use my powers, I extended my hand towards him. He couldn't see my face, but I knew that I terrified him.

“Wait, wait,” the poor man begged, crawling on the ground, throwing away his gun and trying to flee.

Soon my powers began to take effect, forcing him to writhe in pain for things that didn't exist, to grab his gun, point it at his head, and pull the trigger, ending his existence forever.

“Bastardo…” I hissed, kicking the lifeless body of what was, without a doubt, a soldier.

“Donna…” you said, in low voice, crouched on the ground, hunched over yourself.

I looked at you, still filled with the adrenaline that came from using my gift. I ran towards you, I bent down to help you up, but when I looked at my hands, there was only blood on them.

On your belly there was a wound, a wound caused by that weapon, by that stupid act of throwing yourself at me.

 Once again, I was paralyzed, horrified, I only saw blood, your blood.

“(Y/N), (Y/N),” I said nervously, checking your condition.

Your eyes danced, your skin paled dangerously. My hand pressed your wound to stop the red flow that stained it. No, it couldn't be possible, it was a nightmare.

“Donna…” you sighed, letting yourself fall into my arms, losing strength. I didn't know what to do. I was just trying to keep the light that wanted to leave your gaze. “I saved you…” you whispered with a smile, before fainting completely.

“No, no, no, no…” I repeated furiously, holding your head up high and my hand on your wound, looking for help with my eye, a help that wasn't going to come. “(Y/N)!” I screamed furiously, passing my hand over my forehead, bathing it in your blood.

Do something, stupida…

The voices in my head rebuked me for my frustration, forcing me to take your unconscious body in my arms, running you back to the home we should never have left.

“Resisti, (Y/N), per favore…”

I couldn't say how I got home. All I saw was blood, your blood desecrating your beauty. All because of me, all, because, of, me.

“In… In… In a coma?” I asked when Mother Miranda, in her eternal mercy, came to my call for help. The priestess looked at me after bandaging your unconscious body.

“The bullet has pierced part of her spleen, be thankful she's not dead,” she whispered, closing a briefcase and looking at me with hatred, with the hatred of not being able to save you, surely.

I, still nervous, soaked in your blood, couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't think of seeing you like that, almost lifeless in bed, with your beautiful eyes closed, would I ever be able to see them again?

“Did you kill him?”  Miranda asked, distracting me from the task of squeezing your hand, like you taught me, like you told me all problems passed. “Donna!”

“Yes, yes,” I answered without looking at her. I should have been grateful to her, but I couldn't, I could only hate myself.

“Fine...” the blonde sighed, with that golden glow blinding my eye. “That rat has been causing problems for a while now. I guess it finally got what it deserved.”

I suddenly let your hand go and got out of bed, furious at what those words implied.

“Did you know? Did you know that bastardo was lurking around?” I asked furiously, feeling my temples throbbing as if, without your hand squeezing mine, I would lose control of my actions.

“Shh, calm down,” Miranda said, with a grimace of disgust, without moving, without blinking. Stoic, all-mighty  as always. “Of course I knew. The BSAA never gets tired, right? I assumed it wouldn’t be a problem for you.”

“Not for me…” I whispered, squinting, clenching my red fists tightly. “And for her?!”

“Stop, yelling, Donna,” the witch said, pressing her eyes shut with her fingers, again, not even slightly fazed by my behavior. “I couldn't possibly know that your girl was going to play heroes.”

I growled furiously, pacing erratically around the room, thinking of a thousand ways to kill my adoptive mother, to end it all, to make everything go up in the air. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't stand that you had risked your pure life to save a monster's. Anything but that.

“I'll come back next week to check on her,” the blonde said, disinterested. Of course, you were a mortal, she didn't care about you.

I cursed all her ancestors. I really wished that her body and her golden robes would fall down the waterfall where my family died.

“Take care of her in the meantime, or kill her, I don't care,” she whispered, making me growl in horror. “But I don't want you to give me any trouble, is that clear?”

When Miranda disappeared, everything collapsed around me, my body collapsing against one of the bedroom walls. There was no more laughter, no more gasps, no more moans of passion in the dark bedroom. Only my agonized crying echoed off the walls while my hands pulled at my hair, hitting the floor in rage. A pathetic scene that I couldn't avoid.

When I managed to calm down, I saw that Angie was next to me, as always.

“Is she dead?” the doll asked unpleasantly pointing at your inert body. I shook my head, realizing that I had hurt myself, that the blood dripping from my head was mixing with yours on my hands.

“No!” I shouted, angrily pushing the puppet away. “She's not…” I said, this time sobbing, burying my head in my hands, sinking into my knees the shame of not being able to save you.

“Bad Donna, stupid Donna!” Angie protested, damaging my ears.

I was about to, about to deactivate her, but I needed her, I needed someone to speak for me, someone to keep reason in my head, to keep madness away from my sick mind.

“I'm sorry,” I said, getting up from the floor coldly. Angie nodded without resentment and climbed into bed next to you.

I approached slowly, taking your hand in mine, squeezing it again like you taught me.

“She's asleep, huh?” Angie said, getting too close. I controlled my impulse to mistreat her again, with an absurd idea in my head.

If you were asleep, that meant I could wake you up, right?

“Wake up, wake up…” I whispered, caressing your cheeks, your soft, addictive skin. There was no response and I took a breath again, resting my hands on your shoulders. “Come on, tesoro, wake up…”

“Wake up, you fool, wake up!” the doll shrieked, moving you too. Yes, it was true that Angie was jealous because you had captured all my attention, but she appreciated you, really. It was impossible for her not to, she was part of me.

“Per favore…” I begged, sobbing again, seeing that your body still didn’t react to my gentle movements.

My breathing became agitated and my hands trembled as they moved you more and more roughly. My heart was about to explode.

“Svegliati, (Y/N), svegliati!” I shrieked, moving you roughly, desperately. I knew it was a good idea not to deactivate Angie, she stopped me.

“Hey, hey, Donna, stop, stop, you'll hurt her!” the puppet shouted, uselessly placing itself between your body and mine, clinging to my unhinged arms.

I finally left you alone, sinking beside you, crying on your chest, pathetically settling next to you, wrapping my arms around you, just the way you liked it.

“Don't do this to me, tesoro, please... Don't leave me alone...”  I sobbed, staining your skin with my tears, crying until at some point, my monstrous body gave in to exhaustion.

A day passed, two, you didn't wake up.

My desperation seemed calmer, but it wasn't. I took care of you, I looked after you, but in my head there was only a flash, a horrible sound: the light of the shot, the sound of the bullet that pierced your skin.

That bullet must have pierced me, not you.

You had saved my life, what for? Why would I want to live in a world without you?

It was absurd, (Y/N) I should be dead, not you, you should wake up, smile, light up the world with your smile. It was too unfair.

Little by little I forgot to eat, to drink, to live…

I tried to stay sane while I read you your favorite books, hoping that the words that made you feel those emotions would revive your soul and I could see your beautiful eyes again.

But I was never well, I was always sick. Without you, without the thin thread that kept my sanity, I began to take small steps into the darkness.

“I sat with them at the table, next to Queequeg, and mentally prepared myself to listen to some stories about whale hunting…” I read calmly, next to you, my disastrous body didn’t separate from yours for a second, my hand always held yours.

Donna…

A dark voice interrupted me, a voice I knew, that I knew where it came from. Shaking my head, I tried to ignore it, but it wasn't possible. In that old book the words danced, making me dizzy, that dark voice sounded louder and louder.

She's dead…

That voice spoke to me again. I dropped the book, pulled my hair as I bent over myself, preventing it from continuing to speak in any way.

“No… No…” I said nervously, kicking the floor hard.

Yes, of course she is… Because of you…

“No! (Y/N) is alive!”  I screamed neurotically, to respond to someone who didn't exist, who only lived inside my crazy head. “Stai zitto!”

Really? Check her pulse…

Knowing that they were just trying to undermine my morale, that those voices weren't there, just as you always told me when they appeared so I would stop listening to them, I ignored your own words and brought my trembling hand to your neck.

You were cold, frozen, there was no sign of your heartbeat on your neck and, in front of me, your body began to crack, to calcify.

“No… No!” I screamed with my hands on my head, falling to my knees on the floor, crying, pulling my hair, unhinged again.

Yes, Donna, you killed her…

“Basta! Basta!” I yelled crying, covering my ears to uselessly silence the voice of my demons.

It's your fault! It's your fault!

“Donna, Donna!” a squeaky voice interrupted that horrible spectacle. It sounded like Angie, but I couldn't be sure. In my mind, I only saw your body falling apart, breaking into a thousand pieces. “What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t answer, I just pointed at your body with my finger. The doll climbed onto the bed, the bed I didn’t want to look at.

“What? What’s wrong with her?” the doll asked, with a confused voice.

Dead, dead, dead…

“Angie, (Y/N) is…” I murmured, swallowing my own tears, hitting the floor helplessly, furiously. I had to fall apart into a thousand pieces, not you.

“She’s what? She’s still asleep,” the doll said, getting off the bed to stand in front of me, tilting her head curiously.

“She, her body is…” I said in a low voice, making an effort to get up and dare to look at your broken body. It wasn't, you were still intact.

Your chest rose and fell calmly. Your expression wasn't cracked, but serene.

Confused and scared, I ran my hand over my sweaty forehead as I sat next to you, relieved to see that it had only been my imagination.

You will kill her, Donna… She saved your life, and you will kill her…

“Gods… (Y/N),” I said, resting my forehead against yours, keeping my face very close to yours.

“Are you okay?” Angie asked, suspecting what was the cause of my attitude.

“Yes, I…” I lied, moving away to let you breathe. “It, it was nothing.”

“Why don't you cut her throat and end her suffering?” Angie asked, with an amused tone. I stood up in surprise, grabbing the puppet by the neck.

“What did you just say?” I hissed as the doll struggled against my grip.

“Hey, let me go! I said why you don’t keep reading,” the puppet protested.

I let go, shaking my head, confused, overwhelmed by the situation.

I was losing my mind, and I knew it.

“Ugh, you need a break,” the doll said, comically shaking her dress. “And a shower, you stink.”

I closed my eye, breathing slowly, like my gardener, Josef, had taught me. It was true that I was a monster. That man was good, and I killed him.

“What I need is for her to come back…” I said sobbing, succumbing to crying again, squeezing your hand tightly, trying to beg you to come back to me.

“I miss her too,” Angie said, tenderly stroking your hair. Not even the fact that Angie acknowledged that she appreciated you was enough to reassure me.

“Please, (Y/N)… Please… Come back to me… Don’t, don't leave me alone, I need your light to get me out of this darkness…” I begged, squeezing your hand perhaps too tightly. The voices returned.

She will never come back to you, she never loved you. You will never feel her lips again. You will be left alone, with us, Donna, in the darkness where you belong.

Three, four days passed, or so I thought.

I lost track of time as well as I lost my mind. The voices were already a constant sound in my mind, the panic attacks, the hallucinations began to put you in danger. I decided not to get too close. My hands could turn against to you.

I kept repeating how much I needed you, how bad I felt without your comforting presence. You were my light, (Y/N), and you were fading away.

The weakness that my mind felt soon entered into harmony with that of my body. I was hungry, I knew it, I had to eat, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave you alone. I wanted to be with you, to cling to your unconscious body to feel that I wasn't lost, that there was still hope for me, and for you.

Exhausted, sitting on the floor against a wall, I closed my eyes tightly so as not to hear the voices that now asked me to leave everything, to abandon you, to abandon the life that was granted to me by the grace of Mother Miranda, that second chance that I didn't deserve.

She is like this because of you, you should die, Donna...

But no, I couldn't succumb to those requests. You needed me. You needed my care, for me to be by your side. You had saved my life, I couldn't abandon you, but neither could you.

“Don't you dare to leave me,” I sighed, my voice broken by crying, my weak body struggling to stay awake, in pain from the blows caused by the wounds caused by the crises.

My madness worsened as the hours passed. Reality, my own existence became something inexact. I didn't know when it was night, when it was day. There were no windows in that bedroom, you were always sleeping.

“Hey, hey, Donna,” a strange voice, which didn't come from my head, scared me, waking me from my exhaustion with some soft slaps on my face.

Cagna... She's coming to fuck her.

Ignoring the warning from my subconscious, I managed to make out my sister Alcina leaning over me.

“What...? What are you doing here?” I said, leaning on the wall so I could get up, ready to fight for you until the end. I didn't care if she was really there or it was another vision.

I was always jealous of my sister.

“You didn't come to the meeting. Miranda is asking for you,” the tall woman commented, walking sensually towards the bed. I couldn't move as fast as I wanted, and weakness made me stumble against the lady in white, who held me with her raised eyebrows.

“Vaffanculo…” I whispered, letting my sister guide me until I sat on the bed. “Get out.”

“You're a mess…” she murmured with disinterest, fixing my dress, almost torn by my own attacks. “How long has it been since you ate, dear? Not to mention how you stink…”

“I told you… to get lost…” I said furiously, pushing her with pathetic force. She just laughed, was she really there? “Porca puttana…”

“How vulgar…” Alcina laughed, holding me by the shoulder, dodging my furious attacks. “Aren't you supposed to take care of her?”

“I take care of her,” I said furiously, crossing my arms in a childish manner.

“Do you? I doubt you can take care of yourself, dear,” the lady in white mocked.

I growled again, guiding my gaze towards you, searching for your hand and grabbing it with the little strength I had left.

“Alcina… I'm…” I said calmer, relaxed by the softness of your skin. Maybe you were right and your hands were magic. “I'm losing my mind.”

“Oh, that's not new,” the vampire said, with a mocking expression.

 I ignored the comment, suppressing a sob.

“I feel, I feel that without her I…” I said with a broken voice, letting Alcina lay me down on the bed, next to you, sighing with pity.

“That's it, draga…” the big woman whispered, making sure I was comfortable. “You must stay strong, it's the best for (Y/N).”

“I don't, I don't know if I can do it… Alcina… I, I don't want to be alone, I want, I want her to come back,” I said, noticing how sleep attacked me again. At least when I was about to sleep, the voices didn't attack me.

“You must come back first, Donna,” my sister whispered, caressing my messy hair while covering me with a blanket. “(Y/N) needs you… Sleep, my sweet Donna…”

Those were the last words I heard before the darkness of my nightmares invaded me again.

Even today I still don't know if my sister's visit was real or if it was just a last breath of my sanity demanding me to come back, to force my demons to stay in a cage.

Three more days passed.

The voices continued to harass me, but something changed after that unexpected visit. My desire to fight my madness, to get you back, was much stronger. I even dared to accept the fruit that Angie brought me. Eating gave me strength, the softness of your hands kept the flame of hope alive.

“Actually I had always felt that way...” I read, like every day, another one of your favorite novels.

Miraculously, the voices that whispered horrible things to me no longer interrupted my words. I felt strong, or so I tried to show. With each passing day, the vision of the light of your smile became more blurred.

“…Without being able to explain why. I had never wanted to accept that life was so grey and indifferent, so without secrets or wonders as people pretended when they said…”

“That’s life…”

I read the end of that paragraph and nodded with a sigh. I soon realized something strange. No, it wasn't a horrible voice in my head. It wasn't Angie's voice that continued my reading.´

I dropped the book, let it fall loudly on the wood when I noticed something warm in my hand, yours, squeezing it tightly. Afraid that my mind would play tricks on me again, I closed my eye, opened it again and looked at your hand in mine, moving.

“Hello, darling…” a hoarse voice, broken by tiredness reached my ears, your voice, your angelic voice, your voice that came back to illuminate my dark path.

“(Y/N)…” I whispered, looking slowly into your bright eyes, half-closed but shining. “(Y/N)!”

I threw myself into your arms, burying my body in yours while my hand squeezed yours, to confirm that it hadn't been a dream. Not wanting to waste a second, I captured your lips in a kiss, crying with joy, crying for having you back, and scared in case it was just a dream.

“Hi… Hi…” you repeated, fighting against my gestures of affection, laughing weakly.

“Let her breathe, silly Donna!” Angie shrieked, pushing me away from you, jumping with joy on the bed. “You're back, you're back!”

“Yes, yes, it seems so…” you said coughing, in pain from the wound in your abdomen, trying to sit up, something I prevented.

“Don’t, don't move, you could... You could hurt yourself,” I said, playing nervously with your hair, with your hands, with everything that was within my reach.

“Hey...”

“Tell me, tesoro,” I said nervously, hoping to hear a request for water or food.

“I'm glad to see you again, Donna...”

“What are you talking about?” I asked confused, shaking my head. “(Y/N)... I'm, I'm the one who...”

“I told you a long time ago...” you sighed, exhausted, exhausted but awake. “That I would never abandon you...”

[sophi-s]

More of that redemption AU!

At long last!!! It's finally here! That took a while but with ten pictures to make and an essay to write it had to XD

I'd like to say a couple things before starting. First, the following content features angst, blood, injuries and images that may be viewed as disturbing by some people, I apologise in advance. You've been warned. Second, I'm accepting any asks about this AU and I'll try to answer them to the best of my ability. Third, for those who haven't seen part 1 yet, you can find it here.

That being said, let's get into it.

When Abaddon freed Azrael, the Angel of Death understandably had trust issues. He was sure the Destroyer is trying to deceive him again. Since he was still in a rough shape after his imprisonment and the run-in with Straga, his former friend got him out onto a balcony to let him catch a breath of fresh air and there try to persuade him that he has no ill intentions this time. The negotiations however, were stopped before they even began.

The two archangels were caught together by an unfortunate Demon Sorcerer. Unfortunate, because Abaddon didn't want any witnesses just yet. The poor sod barely registered what hit him.

In that moment Azrael believed that his friend could've returned after all. He just jumped the unsuspecting demon without a second thought. The Destroyer would never just off his own soldiers when each was priceless in these trying times. But this kill fueled Destroyer's bloodlust and triggered Abaddon's first ever loss of control ever since he turned to Light again. When he realised what's happening, it was too late to stop it…

As short as it was, it nearly cost Azrael his life. For Abaddon, losing himself so easily was like a slap to the face with a wet rag. He'd almost killed his friend and could've done nothing about it but watch like a prisoner in his own body. It was… scary. For the first time in way too long he said - and meant it! -

Abaddon realised that the Destroyer inside of his head is still displeased with the steps he's taking and actively seeking to ruin his plans. And that makes him dangerous to both friends and foes. He couldn't take any chances and risk if it were to happen again. Needless to say, he peaced right the hell out of there. This is one of the main reasons he didn't reveal himself to Uriel until she found out herself. He didn't want to repeat the mistake he made with Azrael. But after their first meeting, find out was exactly what she had in mind (for those who don't know what I'm talking about in this paragraph, here's a fic I wrote a while back).

To be frank, Abaddon wasn't actually sure what on God's green earth he's doing and what he's trying to achieve (aside from figuratively spitting into Lucifer's face) but he knew he couldn't keep flying around and causing random violence, even if it was giving everyone the impression that he's completely out of his mind (which wasn't far from the truth) and more or less satisfying his darker counterpart, keeping it mostly quiet and content. He couldn't win this war alone. Abaddon was thinking about making allies with anyone he could or at least rallying the last of Heaven's forces. Unfortunately none of this was easy to accomplish. He was the Destroyer after all… No self-respecting angel would stand beside him without a good reason which he didn't have. Eventually, he decided to put the power Lilith bestowed upon him to use. To some extent, he started to understand Death. Once you view necromancy as a tool instead of an abhorrent crime against the natural order, it doesn't seem so despicable anymore. "Ends justify the means" yet again. Still, Abaddon was reluctant to resort to resurrecting corpses. Though, for different reasons... It reminds him of the promise he'd made a long time ago. One he broke out of cowardice.

Even with a small army of the living dead, the task Abaddon had designated for himself was going to be challenging. But this particular archangel is nothing if not one of the most stubborn creatures in the Universe. He was going to do whatever it takes to see it to the end. Even if his sanity and control he once held over his fate continued to slip through his fingers and slowly but surely leave him. Every day he lives through, his mind remains in the perpetual state of a constant struggle between the Light and Dark in his soul as he strives to fight the evil that has taken root within him.

And that will be it for now (I ran out of space, goddamnit 😂). If I have any new ideas I'll make sure to share them. Feel free to ask like I said above!

I'm gonna have to take a break from painting. It was draining but damn if it wasn't satisfying! Especially the last one. I'll have to sit down and finally write this fic cus I'm a dumbass who is insecure about the garbage I make even though some people still love it 😆

(Also, on the side note, screw that sword and all those bloody runes. They look amazing but painting them sucks ass XDD)

P.S. I found a song I associate with that fic :D

"Not gonna die" by Skillet, it's rad as heck.

[return-of-a-space-cowboy]

Fairest of them all (final)

The man that approached you had short white hair and and red pupils that stood out against the black Scelra.

"Who... Who are you?" You asked in horror as you backed away from the tall man dressed in black. He gave you no response as he charged towards you with a dagger in hand. You tried to run but the tall male out sped you with ease and tackled you to the ground.

You trashed in his grasp and screamed out in hopes that someone would hear you but he quickly covered your mouth with one hand and he brought down his dagger which he jammed into the ground.

"I can't do it" he muttered in a deep voice as you felt him brush his hand over your face, his blood clinging to your skin.

"You must run away from this kingdom. Never return, don't even look back... He will only seek to-" the males muttered warning were soon cut off by him groaning out in pain, his blood now staining your clothes as he was stabbed by the ravenette male you had met last night. Yet rather then believe that he was trying to save you, you believed that may have also desire to kill you. The gleam of his sword made you panic.

You took the strangers words as you pushed him off and ran deeper into the dark forest. No matter how many times Bruno called out your name you wouldn't respond. As you ran deeper and deeper the males voice faded into nothing more then an echo but even so you were still being watched by Diavolo through his enchanted mirror. He let out a hiss in anger as he slammed his fist into the stone wall. He thought that surely a cold and cruel man like Risotto Nero could have done the job without a second thought but it seemed that even such a man still had a heart.

"Why must I always have to be the bad guy!" He growled.

"Well the only one that should be trusted is yourself" the man in the mirror mockingly said.

"Except me... But I'm trapped in this mirror, however if you were to break this seal with a human sacrifice I'll scar her to your heart's content" the man continued with a mischievous smirk.

"I'm not a fool Illusio , I've already sold my soul to hell by just entertaining your cursed soul, releasing a powerful demon like you would surely be the highlight of my epitaph" Diavolo sneered.

"Fine have it your way, just know my offer is always open" Illusio grinned as he knew that the king would surely break at one point, even while trapped in the mirror the demon still could madden all those who looked a little to long in his mirror.

🍎🍎🍎

Eventually within the dark forest you found a small little cottage. With the door unlocked you entered, hoping whoever resided wouldn't mind you entering.

Inside the house was dusty and grimy, cobwebs strung up in every corner. Yet you still saw little signs that the cottage was not abandoned, plates had been washed and left to dry. You decided that you would tidy up a little to show whoever lived here that you were not up to mischief.

The day seemed to go by in a few hours as you swept the floors dusted the shelves and wiped the windows. By the end you were so tired that you fell asleep on one of the seven small beds.

🍎🍎🍎

Diavolo looked down with burning hatred at the bloodied huntsman who had been captured by his guards.

"I thought I could of trusted you to get the job done" he hissed.

"I told you, I was attacked by suprise... Can you not see my wounds?" Risotto hissed.

"You had no intention of killing her, I saw it all... You told her to run away!" Diavolo yelled causing the male to flinch.

"Risotto Nero, your days of being a huntsman are over because I'll have your decapitated head on a spike!" He roared as his guards dragged the huntsman back to his cell to wait for his impending doom.

"The same goes for Bruno Bucciallati, I'll burn his kingdom to ashes!" He said as he looked at his general.

"Get my army ready for war!" He ordered but his general gave him a nod in disapproval.

"I'm afraid that can't happen, our military sustained thousands of casualties... if we head into war now we will certainly lose" he explained.

"Fine then, begin a lottery of all the young men in my kingdom and have the chosen sent into training" Diavolo hissed before leaving the throne room to check the mirror once more to see where you were.

"Back so soon... you give that girl to much attention" Illusio greater with a small chuckle.

"Where is she?" Diavolo asked.

"She's still in the forest, sleeping inside the cottage of seven old dwarfs" he explained before the mirror showed your sleeping form in a recently cleaned room, your body covered in dirt, dust and blood.

An idea popped into the male's mind, surely after a few days of house labour your skin would become rough and cracked.

"I'll leave her be, her beauty will wither away in days cleaning" he said.

However the male was wrong and your beauty did not fade, nor did you grow tired of helping the seven dwarfs.

Diavolo looked in the mirror once more like he usually did but he screamed out in horror as he felt a tap on his shoulder, the black haired devil was right behind him in the flesh, or as his delusions made it seem.

"How did you-!"

"Just look at the table" the demon ordered. The king complied and saw a cloak as red as blood and a hair comb made entirely of gold.

"The crimson cloak has the power to change the wearer's appearance and despite how pretty the golden comb may be it's not very practical... It will rip and fray even the most silky of hair" Illusio explained before his form disappeared.

"At what cost?" Was all the king could ask.

"Nothing"

🍎🍎🍎

You said your farewells to each of the seven dwarfs as you handed them a bag of baked goods you had prepared for their long day in the mines. Over the past few days the sparkle in your eyes had returned and you found a true sense of happiness in your soul. No longer did you have to live in fear and lies. The dwarfs had taught you that beauty was not what mattered in the world. You had kind soul, you did good and expected nothing in return.

Shortly after you made your way out of the dark forest and into a unfamiliar kingdom to grab a few things from the market. You were looking at the various fruit and vegetables when you heard a familiar voice call out your name. You looked behind and saw the ravenette prince approaching you. You stepped back and into a man which you apologized to before trying to run but the prince grabbed your wrist.

"I'm so glad you're alright dear (Y/n)" he said in a tone full of relief.

"Let go of me" you growled, trying not to attract any attention.

"I'm sorry if I scared you but I had to do it... He would of killed you if I didn't" he explained.

"He was trying to save me, he warned me about someone in the kingdom!" You hissed.

"The king (Y/n), he ordered that man to kill you!" Bruno nearly yelled in desperation.

"You need to stay with me, that way he won't be able to hurt you" he explained.

"No I'm fine" you responded as you pulled his hand off of you.

"(Y/n), do you not understand all the cruel thing he did to you?"

"I do, but I don't want to live with royalty... I found a place where I'm just me without the titles and expectations" you explained.

"And I can give you the same thing-"

"You barely even know me!" You yelled before running away from him once more.

🍎🍎🍎

Diavolo hissed as he looked at his new appearance in a small hand mirror. Short pink hair, hazel eyes and a smaller form with a freckled face. He looked like a child and he absolutely hated it but he had to overcome his disgust if his plan was to work. He knew you were somewhere in the dark woods, it was only a matter of finding you and that was sooner then he expected as you practically ran straight into him.

"Oh I'm so sorry sir" you said as you helped the boy in the red cloak up.

"No it's alright" he said only to realise that even his voice had changed.

"As a matter of fact I've been looking for you" he said.

"Oh what for?" you asked with a sense of curiosity which wanted to make the king to pounce on you, cut you up, nearly strangle the life out of you. The gleam in your eyes showed him that all his hard work of manipulating you to be his perfect wife was crumbling in the span of a week.

"My mother wanted me to give this to you" he said as he held out the golden comb.

"Oh I couldn't take such a thing... It seems too valuable" you replied as you tried to push the gift back to him.

"No you must! My mother is gravely ill and she wants it to be given to you" he lied pushing it back to you.

"Please take it for my mother" he plead.

"Alright" you sighed as you finally took the gift.

"Just tell your mother I hope she gets better" you said as you gave the boy a sincere smile.

"What is your name by the way?" You asked which caught him of guard.

"Doppio, Doppio Vinegar" he responded.

"Well I wish you the best Doppio" you said as you waved him goodbye.

🍎🍎🍎

To the king's displeasure he found out after another week you had never used the comb to brush your hair but instead used it as a means to help prayer to the sick mother who never existed. This sent the king into a fit of rage, he didn't even notice the room twist and distort into a autumn forest.

"You know Diavolo... she's never going to truely love you..."

"All your effort has come crumbling down" Illusio said, his words becoming the king's own thoughts. The king was losing his sanity.

"And if you can't have her then no one will" he said and Diavolo muttered the same thing after.

The king finally looked at the demon who sat on a tall tree made entirely of gold. It shed all of it's leaves and flowers of diamonds grew before producing golden apples, one of which fell right into the king's hands.

"An apple of gold may look appetizing but don't let it's mystical appearance fool you... It is very poisonous, a single bite is enough to kill" he explained with a smile as he looked down at Diavolo.

"What is the exchange?" Diavolo asked, knowing a demon offer was never truely free, eventually there would be a price to pay.

"Your soul will never go to heaven, nor hell... Your soul will be trapped in purgatory" the demon responded.

In a sane state Diavolo would refuse but as the voices grew louder in his head, the thought of any other option to kill you was out the window.

"I'll do it" the male responded as he wore wicked smile. With not a second to spare the male left the room, on his hellbent mission to kill you.

🍎🍎🍎

You were picking apples when Doppio came to see you again. This time he didn't seem right. He was muttering incoherent words under his breath until he noticed you.

Maybe something had happened to his mother, but you wouldn't dare saw just incase it would hurt him.

"Hello Doppio" you created the make while holding a basket of apples.

"Oh (Y/n), I have something I'd like to give you" the male said as he pulled out a shiny golden apple, you could see your own reflection on it's surface.

"A golden apple!" You exclaimed in suprise.

"Yes, and they say that whoever bites into the Apple has there wish come true" the boy eagerly explained as he pushed it towards you.

"No I couldn't, surely you have a wish you want granted" you replied as you gave it back to him. His hazel eyes turned a familiar green.

"No, I want you to have it" he said as he put it back in your hands, his voice almost demanding.

"But isn't your mother sick?" You asked which caused the boy to cackle as he took his red cloak off, revealing that he was the king. You gasped as you looked up at him in horror. The male grabbed you before you even had the chance to run.

"My dear... I'm so sorry, I now see the error of my ways" he said as he clung onto you desperately, you had never seen him like this.

"I understand that I can't make you love me... I'll leave you be... Just please accept the apple as my apology, you can wish for whatever you desire" he said in such a desperate tone.

Gullible little you fell for the males deceitful lies and thought he really had learnt his lesson, so you took a bite from the apple and made a merciful wish for him.

'I wish that Diavolo's heart becomes one that is pure and kind' you mentally wished.

Soon you began to cough and splutter, dropping the apple and holding your throat as you looked as the crazed king. You realised now that it was all a facade but it was to late. Within a few minutes your limp body fell to the ground.

Diavolo tried to grab your body but a yell from the distance spooked the maddened king away, leaving your body where it laid.

Bruno's heart sink, just as he had finally found you again you had been murdered right Infront of him. Tears shed down his face. He held your body and cried until the dwarfs returned to the shock of your death.

The dwarfs saw how saddened the young prince was and offered to build a coffin of glass for your body so the prince could lay you to rest. In a few days the coffin had been made and you were prepared for display in the castle. However it didn't take long for the news to reach Diavolo, even in death you were still seen as beautiful, so beautiful infact that your corpse was on display in Bruno's castle.

It made the king livid. He traveled lone to Bruno's kingdom eager to snatch you body and bring it back with him. In the dead of night he entered the castle and searched until he came across a room enveloped in the moon's light where only a glass coffin was displayed. He slowly approached, he couldn't help but marvel at you.

"I knew you'd come Diavolo, all that I ask is one question... Why did you kill her?" Bruno asked as he made himself known.

"Because of the likes of you worms! I wanted her to myself but every man that saw her believed that she was theirs!" The king yelled in anger as he grabbed a dagger out and charged at Bruno but Bruno dodged and kicked Diavolo back, causing him to lose his footing and smash right through the glass of the coffin. The force of his head slamming on your chest caused the piece of the apple that you had choked on to dislodge and to be coughed out.

The king realised that you hadn't actually ate the apple and by some miraculous means you had just been in a death like state. He muttered incoherent sentences in joy but his insane blabbering was cut short as Bruno stabbed the male, unaware of the fact that you were alive.

Despite on stab wound being enough the prince continued to stab Diavolo over and over again muttering curses and words of hate to the man who had killed the fairest of them all, the males white suit drenched in the blood of the crimson king. He only noticed your breathing after he finally stood up. He felt his heart almost explode with joy. It was a miracle. He threw himself into your form and kissed you. Your eyes fluttered open to see the bloodied prince.

"What happened?" You nearly screamed.

"The king made you eat a cursed apple... He tried to abduct you from here" the male explained.

"Cursed?" You asked in confusion.

"Yes, he told me that the only way to break it was a true love's kiss" he lied as he brushed the stray hairs out of your face.

"True love's kiss..." you muttered, you were taken back by what he told you.

"If you kissed me that means-"

"Yes my dear, I am you true love and you are mine" he softly cooed before kissing you once more. You believed Bruno, there was no other explanation.

You married him believing his lies and in a way Bruno had become no difference to you last last lover that he had slaughtered.

[ask-de-writer]

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT : Part 62 of 83 : World of Sea

Return to the Master Story Index

Return to World of Sea

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT

Part 62 of 83

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

140406 words

copyright 2020

written 2007

All rights reserved.

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express consent of the author.

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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users   of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may   reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information   remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in   my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical   compositions.

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

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New to the story?  Read from the beginning.  PART 1 is here

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Mord knocked on the cabin door.  The guard opened it at once.

The degree to which he was still trusted by the crew was shown by their choice of guard.  It was Bron, the cabin-boy.

“Yes, Sir?”

“Bron, would you please ask Alor, Acting Captain Kotance, a representative of the Master’s Council and  Cron to come here?”

Bron was aware that such a group meant something important.  He went at once to Alor’s cabin just down the passage.  He spoke with her through the door, staying in the hallway so that he could watch the Captain’s cabin door.  Mord only waited, as expected.

Alor went to get the witnesses that Mord had asked for, and Bron came back to his guard post by the door.  The group assembled quickly, coming one at a time to the Captain’s cabin.

Last to arrive was Alor, who came in the company of Master Juris.

The others waited in nervous silence until Alor began the meeting.  As Purser, she was the ship’s legal officer for most things and all official documents except the log were her province.  

She began, “Mord, we have assembled as you have requested.  What do you contemplate doing that needs witness from all sections of the crew?”

Mord drew a deep breath and knit his brows before replying,  “I have to do the hardest duty of my life.  I have looked at all of the charges in the documents that you have provided me and reflected on how best to deal with them.  They are all true.  I cannot in conscious good faith waste the time of the Longin or the Council trying to fight this.”

Concerned, Master Juris asked, “Will you mount no defense?  These are serious charges.  You could lose much, perhaps even your life.”

“I can only say in my defense that I plead mitigating circumstance.  I believe that I went onto dry land when Kurin was so viciously poisoned.  I have regarded her as a daughter and responded to her poisoning with a parent’s rage instead of a Captain’s thought and consideration.”

Kotance thoughtfully ran a hand through his red hair before speaking, “As Acting Captain, I must inquire into your state of mind.  You say that you ran hard aground.  What do you think has put you safely afloat now?  In short, are you refusing to fight as a way to get yourself punished for the killings?  Do you have safe water under your keel?”

“I believe that I do, Captain.  I do not want to be punished but I must take the responsibility for what I have done.  I did not even realize that I had done anything seriously wrong until after I saw the charges in writing and had the time to reflect on them.  I believe that I am now past that lapse of sanity.  I will accept the decision of the Council.  Until then, I will serve the Longin in whatever capacity I am allowed.”

Chapter 23: Questions

Kurin braced herself.  She had interviewed many of the Grandalor’s company.  What she had found had bothered her a great deal because it showed a dark side to the fleet that she loved.  Many of the crew had done bad things and had deserved their punishments.  Nearly as many more had been the victims of crimes by high officers on their ships or were inconvenient to keep for one or another reason.  They had been disposed of.

The Oath of Adoption, where they repudiated their old ship names and took Grandalor in their places was a thing that had been planned without Barad or Tanlin’s knowledge.  Originally, only about half the ship’s crew had planned to participate.

When it became obvious that the Captain who had helped them in their need was himself in trouble, they had pulled together behind him unanimously.  He had not let them down and they would stand with him. The Oath had been a way to show both him and the Council how they felt.  Their loyalty was ferocious.

A lifetime of habit made the very idea of accepting what Barad might tell her as questionable at best.  Tanlin had put it succinctly.  “Oi understand t’at i’ Barad told ye t’at t’e sky wa’ blue t’at ye wad probably look up t’ check.  Twad be best t’ interview ‘im last o’ t’e crew but before Morgu an’ Silor.  T’en ye’ll ‘ave somet’in’ t’ use for judgin’ w’at ‘e tells ye.”

Kurin had taken that advice.  She drew a deep breath and knocked on the Captain’s cabin door.  Tanlin opened it at once.  Barad was seated at a small table in the middle of the cabin.

“Do ye wont m’ t’ stay or go?” asked the Captain.

“I would appreciate it if you stayed but all of my other interviews have been solo.  I had better do this alone,” Kurin answered.

“T’at’s good,” said Tanlin, stepping through the door.  “T’is way shows nae favoritism.”

As the door slid shut behind her Barad smiled wanly and waved her an invitation to sit across from him.  “I won’t bite.  It cost us dear to get you here to help us.  I can’t see how you can save me. I am grateful that you will try to get my wife and crew off.”

Kurin replied thoughtfully, “I may not ever like you, Barad, but you deserve the best justice that can be.  I have learned things that I wish that I had never heard or read.  I can check almost everything from the fleet archives when we Gather for the trial.  I am sure that what I have learned will be backed up.”

The usually self-assured Kurin looked at Barad in dismay and said, “It has me confused.  I love my fleet.  They have done some terrible things.  My own ship is involved.  Are they good people or bad?  What about you?”  The dismay was real enough but the questions were calculated to obtain a candid reaction from Barad.

Barad’s reply shook her to the keel.  He considered thoughtfully before answering.  “They’re people, Kurin, with both good and bad.  Some few in influential places have abused their positions but most try to steer an honest course.

“Me?” he shrugged.  “I’ve been worse than most but not as bad as painted by some.  I’ve tried to pick up their mistakes and keep the innocent or merely foolish from swimming to your foster father.”

“You mean like Lenai or Darkistry?”

“Good examples.  One of each.  Darkistry was raped and framed.  Lenai simply got pregnant before she could get legally married.  The birth slot that she would have to have taken belonged to a friend who was married and had waited three Gatherings for the Lottery to give her a chance at a child.

Lenai had a good heart.  At the small Fall gathering, she went to look for a ship that would take her.  While she was looking, her ‘friends’ put her goods on the raft, after pilfering the best of them, and left a note barring her from returning to the Darok.  I took her and never regretted it.  She was the best sail-lofter and rigging surveyor in the fleet so far as I am concerned.

“Little Arnat alone would have been worth taking her in.  My wife was long dead, so I gave her my birth slot.”  He smiled softly.

Kurin could not help asking, “Why did you take in Silor the way that you did?”

“For five Gatherings, he was my eyes and ears aboard the Longin, though he would never tell Ship’s Business until the fiasco this last Gathering.  When his delusions about you led him to be cast off your ship, I could not help him openly because he was to be a key person in the plot to poison you.

“We picked him up in secret.  After he had done his part, I would have given him some education in Arrakan writing and figuring and sold him as an indenture to their fleet, where he would have probably become a good officer in time.”

The blunt revelation left Kurin feeling ill, needing to hide.  She pulled herself together and asked, “Who all knew of the plan to kill me?”

“At first, only myself, Mister Morgu, and one other that Mister Morgu picked.  I later learned that he was Merk, Master Selked’s apprentice, who was needed to make the poisoned kit.”

“What do you mean, ‘at first’?”

“I was troubled by something about the plot but couldn’t put a finger on it.  It nagged at me.  I know that doesn’t sound like much but very little that I’ve ever done bothers me.  I pay attention when something does.

“Shortly after picking up Silor, I took both Tanlin and Master Selked into my confidence.  They showed me the fatal errors in my reasoning.  

“Tanlin reminded me that by Arrakan custom and Law I would be forsworn if I went ahead.  You and Captain Mord were both at our wedding feast. That meant that our enmity was forever over, or I would lose her as wife.  Though it broke both of our hearts, she would have left me. How do I tell you that she is more important to me than even my ship?”

The question was rhetorical but Kurin interrupted to answer anyway.  She said quietly, “You don’t have to.  You stepped down as Captain to save her.  That’s proof enough for me.”

Barad gave her a surprised look.  I knew the she’d be intelligent.  I had not really expected wisdom.  

He went on,  “Master Selked pointed out that though I had always treated my old grudge as if it were the Longin that I hated, it was really only Mord that I had any complaint of, and that over twenty Gatherings gone.  In fact, the very thing that I held against him was the one time that I had completely bested him.  Hardly a reason for hate.

“One thing that I pride myself on is that I can change course immediately when I believe I am wrong.  We had that one Ord spine unaccounted, and it worried me because none of us knew where it was.  I logged and announced Standing General Orders that any use of Ord was mutiny.  I further ordered that if any part of the Ord were to be found still aboard, it should be destroyed.”

Kurin paused to consider what to ask next, thoroughly disturbed by all that she was hearing.  “That explains the timing of those orders.  I found them in the log and they’ve been mentioned in my other interviews.  

“You have also filled in the one hole in what Tanlin told me.  She tried to protect you.  She told me the truth but left you out of the plot to poison me.  Now that you have told me the rest of the truth, I like her even better and trust you more as well.

“Several people have mentioned Purser Morgu’s activities during the Gathering.  What can you tell me?”

TO BE CONTINUED

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[phantomoftruth]

An Introduction to Witchcraft, Part 1

2/5/2020 - Day 12

To the reader of this grimoire, allow me to extend my greetings, and the assurance that you hold a great treasure in your hands, for you hold the key to beginning a journey onto the often misunderstood, wondrous, bizarre, and admittedly dangerous path of the witch. It is a path of constant balancing, a path that runs between mortality and monstrosity in pursuit of power that can be grasped by neither alone, and the culmination of which brings one to stand as a being wholly unique, reaching beyond mortality. 

Before beginning, I must acknowledge those whose words and examples I borrow and adapt. Lady of Certainty, Golden Lady. Without your examples, I doubt I would have survived my failures. “Witches keep their promises, but neither can they fail to show gratitude.” 

As a former human, I shall attempt to speak in a more direct manner from here on, without the excess ‘oooooooooooooo~ so mysterious~’ of the standard occultist, that I might be understood by creatures across different times, worlds, species and creed. With that, let us begin. 

What is a Witch? Part 1 - Background

To understand what a Witch (or Warlock) is, it is necessary to very briefly cover magic, and the division between mortals and monsters. As this is a tome about Witchcraft, I shall leave excesses on magical theory to mages and their studies. For you, the reader, please allow this to suffice: 

The world, all the worlds, can each be considered a creation, a work of art, composed of countless countless other works. Painting, sculpture, music, writing, all these things embody the living spark, to use one’s mind and soul to create something that exists beyond simple reality. That is the basis of magic, and the first step in using it is opening oneself to the possibility that it exists, and that it can be wielded. Magic allows its users to make the world from what it is, to what they believe it should be. 

That stated, magic is a living force, and a powerful one. Magic changes its user. Put simply, this is the difference between mortals and monsters: mortals can’t handle magic freely. Consider fire. A human cannot hold fire in their hand without hurting themselves. Instead, they make a torch, a tool to carry the fire with them. For mortals, magic does not support their life, so it does not come naturally to them, and the uninitiated trying to channel magic directly through their bodies can cause serious harm or unpredictable results. So, they use tools. Wands and staves, orbs and books, crystals and totems, ritual weapons, holy symbols, all of it allows them to channel and shape magic, each a little differently from the other. 

‘Monsters’ much more simply have magic as part of their life. This allows these creatures to use magic freely, as it is a part of them, but is also means they *must* have magic to survive, as their existence often spits in the face of physics. On the upside, this means powerful creatures, like archfiends or Fae Lords can’t freely treat worlds like their personal game rooms and larders.

What is a Witch? Part 2 - What Actually Are Witches?

All of that out of the way, A Witch is a magician that uses the magic of monsters to cast spells and perform their craft. That is a short, neat definition, but what does is mean? Broadly, it means a mortal taking monstrous influence into oneself, becoming something between monster and mortal. By doing so, a witch gains the powers of monster for themselves. A fae’s glamour, A demon’s lore, a gorgon’s gaze, a harpy’s wings, or the resilience of the undead. All this and oceans more lies within the secrets of witchcraft, needing no fetish or magic tool but one’s intuition and soul to guide themselves, with the potential to reach heights outside the realm of humanity, and even beyond monsters. 

What does it mean for a mortal to take a monstrous influence into themselves? How does this occur? In short, witches gain their abilities by making contact with monsters, and the monster’s power is set within them, like a seed the witch nurtures by exercising their craft. The methods witches make contact and gain these powers vary broadly, but can be grouped into three categories: The exchange, where both a mortal and monster agree to a contract or deal (stories of witches selling their souls to demons and becoming their slaves, do happen, though is not nearly so omnipresent as stories would lead one to believe), the curse, where a monster forces their magic onto an unsuspecting or unwilling mortal, and the theft, those cases where a mortal forcefully takes a monster’s power, often by its subjugation or consumption. 

The place witches inhabit between mortal and monster also gives them a unique role, as one of the fundamentals of witchcraft includes the ability to universally speak to and understand monsters, which is unheard of in mortals. This gives witches recognition among monsters, and witches can often provide goods and services to magical beings as well as mortals, making friendly connections with monsters and gaining new spells and abilities, as well as having the potential to mediate between mortals and monsters.   

However, there are risks in dealing with monsters. Just like mortals, there are all kinds, and many of them stand outside of mortal sensibilities of what one might consider good and evil. Even those not actively seeking to trick a witch may include burdens with their gifts not easily carried. “A blessing and a curse share the same substance.”  Though one is protected against magic by this monstrous power, carelessness and excess can cause the magic placed in them to grow out of their control. This turns witches into monsters themselves, robbed of their mortality, and often, their sanity. Once this fate befalls them, only legends return.

What is a Witch? Part 3 - Why Mortals Pursue Witchcraft

Despite the title of this section, I will not be so arrogant as to state that every mortal’s desires could be captured in a mere part of a single text. Perhaps it would be more accurate to consider ‘why do mortals pursue witchcraft over other magical arts?’ Particularly given the dangers and often ill-reputation that follows witches. For a brisk comparison, consider the fundamental arcane magician, a Mage. 

Mages are students of magic, the embodiment of the mortal approach to magic. Gathering into schools, they take a more rational and rigorous approach towards the arcane arts. Study, research, training, practice, seeking scientific precision. Spells and formula, recorded, reproduced, and refined. Though different schools or teachers will have variations in their practices, magecraft is a form of study that is built on that which came before. 

Though this certainly makes it much less inherently dangerous than witchcraft, it is also much less accessible. Attempting to learn magecraft alone is the equal of trying to learn about a foreign art, written in a language you do not speak. One requires a competent teacher. Lone teachers are difficult enough to find. Then consider how rare schools to magecraft are, never mind worlds where magecraft does not exist at all. Then there is the matter of the costs to attend such schools, as well as the resources necessary to practice magecraft, beginning with a magic tool. It is not only resource intense, but it is demanding of one’s time and ability. And while there are many different branches of the craft to explore, a weakness or failure to grasp certain fundamentals or grasp certain concepts will block one’s ability to advance, sometimes for a lifetime. 

Imagine a great, spiraling tower, built from all the knowledge and discoveries of past mages. With dedication, one can master each step, continuing to climb the path built by those who came before. But is a narrow path, and there are simply those lacking the ability to make such an arduous climb, and it is only as one nears the top that one can take in the freedom of the heights, and begin adding to that great monument to mortal mastery.   

In contrast, witchcraft is a much more flexible path towards power. Though perilous, it is open to many. This includes the foolish hungry for power, yes, but also those without the ways or means to pursue magecraft. It is a craft of the self, and intuition. A witch can still use magic tools, but does not need them. A witch can seek out fellow witches, or speak with monsters for new paths and new insights, but it is their own aesthetics that they use to advance down the witch’s path. This means a witch can advance on their own, by making peace with and creatively using their own talents and crafts. And one gets results immediately. As dramatic as they are, stories of deals with devils to escape from dire straights form the basis of many humble witch’s beginnings. 

To compare once again, if magecraft is a tower built of knowledge, leading to the heights, then witchcraft is a spiraling stair, leading into a deep, dark well. It is easy, even natural to descend downwards, and the knowledge is all along the walls and stones, new insights waiting for the hands as much as the eyes, but the deeper you go, the more treacherous the steps leading down, and carelessness or recklessness can mean a never ending fall. All the while, “they abyss returns even the boldest gaze.” 

What is a Witch? Part 4 - Why Do Monsters Create Witches?

Fortunately, while monsters are as individual as mortals, the reasons why they grant mortals their power and create witches fall under a fewer, broader categories. 

Primarily, witches are useful to monsters. Setting aside their unique position as beings between mortal and monster, many monsters, even unsophisticated ones, can appreciate the work of mortals, whether this is offerings of food and drink, or simply a humanoid with thumbs and time to spend. For every story of a monster that attacks a human village, kidnaps elves, or turns goblin tribes into cults of worship, there are monsters that want to go about their lives and be left alone, just as much as any mortal creature, with the difference being that many monsters are not able enjoy the comfort of mortal civilization. Having a reliable and reputable provider of services is something all creatures can appreciate. Even a demon will often take a simple deal without any attempts at manipulation, even if only to wait for another chance at some sinister plan. 

The other main purpose, and arguably the ultimate purpose of why monsters *can* create witches, is as a form of propagation. The list of creatures considered monsters is vast. Creatures that only possess a single gender, creatures that are rare, and even creatures that cannot naturally increase their numbers, such as many undead. Even ageless creatures like the Fae still desire companions. A witch who loses themselves and becomes a monster is still a gain for monsters, and probably one that has at least helped monsters, if not made more monsters themselves along the way. Of course, there are monsters infamous for attempting to trick witches into being their minions and slaves, but as a great witch who has crossed many worlds and met many creatures, mortal and monster alike, thinking creatures are more alike than they ever know, wherever you may go. 

And thus concludes the introduction to the world of witches. There is still much more to be told, and many witches to speak of, and stories to tell. To those who wish to walk the path, I wish you well in all your striving. 

-Witch of Reflections    

[alicedopey]

Heartless - Chapter IV

Pairing: Harald / Reader

Genre: Romance, angst

Ratings: Mature

Words: 2607

Warnings: Rape, mild violence and suicidal thoughts.

A/N: I’m sorry.

(banner edited by my sweet @naaladareia)

Stay. The single word was ringing in your head. One single word that scared and tempted you at the same time. Clearly, he had decided to use his power over you and asked of you what you had thought he never would. But his eyes seemed to implore you to stay, they were almost hopeful. A curious thought crossed your mind.

“Sir, I'm not Queen Astrid.” You said softly, trying to release your wrist from his grip.

Harald did not let go. “I know who you are Y/N.” He tugged on your arm. “Lie down next to me.”

It sounded like an order this time, reminding you of your status. You breathed shakily and nervously moistened your dry lips with your tongue. You could do this. You had already done it so much....only this time it was deceiving. He was just like your other masters after all.

You took a few hesitant steps and lay down on the bed, both scared and excited. The moment your body touched the furs, the King let go of you. You waited, waited...tense and almost shaking. It never came. He had fallen asleep.

Your purpose was pretty clear by then; he needed a presence next to him to sleep. You were here to listen, to fill a gap.... certainly not to be touched or loved. Never forget it. You finally allowed yourself to relax when he started snoring again. The furs were comfortable and you felt so tired, you fell asleep instantly.

Those were your nights with King Harald, sleeping side by side without touching each other. He obviously slept better but the nightmares did not stop entirely. He would often wake up screaming or kept trashing and moaning. You would calm him down, caressing his face or murmuring soothing words and he would go back to sleep.

Something was bothering him though. You knew it, you could feel it. He had to get rid of it or his nights would remain troubled. He needed to talk to someone about it and this time, he seemed to consider he could not confess anything to you. Even to you. In the meantime, he lost himself in this idea of overpowering Ivar for not honoring his promise. He wanted Kattegat at all costs. So, he kept planning attacks and at nights, drowned his pain in alcohol.

But alcohol would not help him. You sighed as Harald was gulping his fifth cup of ale.

“The King seems upset these days, don't you think ?”

You turned your eyes away from Harald to look at Rae who was frowning at you.

“He is. He must be thinking about Queen Astrid.” Among other things.

She eyed you up and down. “You look tired. The King is keeping you awake ?”

She smiled knowingly. You wished you could tell her the reasons why you were looking so tired: the King's nightmares constantly waking you up or maybe it was the fact that you did not manage to fall into a deep sleep because he was so close to you. But you couldn't tell her so you smiled weakly. Let her believe what she wanted to.

“Yes, he is.”

A concerned frown appeared on her face again. Thankfully, she did not have the time to question you. Baldwin put an end to your discussion and Rae fled quickly. That was your turn to frown. Was she scared of Baldwin ? Did he hurt her ?

“The King is asking for you. He wishes to go to bed.” He told you bluntly with an annoying smirk on his face. Everyone appeared to believe you and the King were having wild nights !

You ignored him and rose up to take King Harald to bed. As usual these days, he was a bit tipsy. Tipsy meant touchy-feely. Touchy-feely meant you were embarrassed and even more clumsy then ever.

When the both of you were finally lying down, you let out a discreet sigh of relief. He would fall asleep very soon and your usual “wild nights” would begin.

“I killed my brother.”

That was unusual. You gulped and your eyes widened. You finally got what was bothering him.

“I see him every night in my nightmares, again and again. He was one of the only persons I loved and I killed him.”

His voice was shaking. You knew there were probably tears as well even if you could not see them.

“He chose Björn over me, everyone has always chosen someone else over me. Ellisif, my brother, Astrid... the only persons I've loved in my whole life and they betrayed me.”

Tears were silently rolling down your cheeks, mirroring your King's sorrow and bitterness.

“And now....I'm all alone. Neither loving, nor being loved.”

I love you, your heart screamed but your ignored him. You inhaled deeply and chased your tears away with a flick of your hand. You couldn't fall apart. Not here. Not now.

Harald turned on his side and arranged your body so that you were facing him. His hand on your hip was burning. More even so when his thumb began stroking you. His mesmerizing blue eyes were staring at you, full of pain and despair. You did your best to remain untouched by it, playing the perfect passive thrall.

“I regret killing him. Deeply. I miss him so much.” His grip on your hip tightened and he closed his eyes in pain. “The Gods are punishing me for what I did.”

That made you talk. “You were in a battle. Your brother was on the other side, he was the enemy. You did what you had to do.”

He opened his eyes abruptly. “Don't lie to please me.”

“I'm not lying, my King.” Saying it, you realized it was true.

“Do you think Lagertha killed my wife for the same reason ?”

You frowned. “She did ?” You did not remember him mentioning Lagertha was the one to end his wife's life.

“Astrid was a great shieldmaiden, only the woman who taught her everything would be able to do it.”

He had a point. But did Lagertha do it or did Astrid welcome death willingly ? After all, Baldwin had told you she might have betrayed Harald.

“I probably loved her more than she did but it did not matter. It felt nice to have someone next to me to reign over Vestfolk, someone to love, someone to have in bed with me at night, someone to have sex with.”

His tone chaned through his speech, turning hoarse and seductive. You felt scared....and excited.

“Don't you agree ?”

“Yes, my King.” You nodded. “I suppose it must be nice.”

“What do you mean by 'I suppose' ? You've never loved anyone ?”

You could have slapped yourself, realizing you had said too much. Now, you had no choice but to answer his questions.

“Well I... I've almost always been a servant, a slave, a thrall. Our purpose is not to love or be loved. We are here to serve, obey and be used.” All the words came out of your mouth in a casual way so that he would not ask more and let it go. He did not.

“You've never been willing for anything, haven't you ? Sex ? Touch ? Not even a kiss ?”

“No, my King.” You replied, maintaining an unaffected tone.

The way he was looking at you made you feel ill-at-ease. Drop the subject, drop the subject.

“Would you be willing to try and kiss me ?” His eyes, his mesmerizing eyes...

Say no, say no. “Yes, I would.” You replied softly, cursing your heart for winning this battle against your brain.

The King moistened his lips and leaned over you. You shivered in anticipation, you heart was hammering in your chest. He pulled you nearer and you put your arms against hist chest.

When his lips finally touched yours, you swore your heart stopped beating for a second. His kiss was so soft, you did not know such tenderness could exist. The tip of his tongue gently touched your bottom lip, coaxing you into opening your mouth....which you gladly did. Your tongues danced with each other, even if Harald took the lead.....as if he was teaching you how to kiss. You had never felt this way. For the first time, it was pleasurable.

Harald let his hand slide on your body to grip your ass and pulled you even closer. The bulge in his pants was more than palpable but for once, it was not frightening. Your arms were still against his chest. You did not dare touching him without his permission, even though you were dying to. Lost in your own pleasure, you let out a tiny moan to which he grunted in response.

Soon, too soon, your lips parted. Your chest was rapidly rising, your breath was erratic. That was some kiss !

“Was it pleasurable ?” Your king asked, his hoarse voice making you shiver again.

You nodded. “Yes, my King.”

He smiled. A real smile that reached his eyes. “I guess you don't kiss too bad, Y/N the heartless.”

His lips grazed yours one last time before he turned around and immediately fell asleep.

You lay on your back , eyes wide opened, your contented heart beating softly. Deep down though, you knew it would not last.

He did not mention the kiss after that. You kept sleeping next to him but he was offering you his back. There was no talking, no touching. It was obvious to conclude he regretted what he did. Yet, you could have sworn you had seen him watching you, or your lips, when you were looking for him.

But maybe it was just your imagination or your deepest heart's desire. How ironical it was that the only man whose touched you've ever longed for was the one refusing to do so. Your brain was ready for this rejection. Your heart, not so much.

From then on, each day was difficult to live. Harald lost himself in his plot against Ivar and departed for England, leaving you with Baldwin again. Apart from the jealous thrall, Ardith, glaring at you from a reasonable distance, nothing important took place.

Harald came back, defeated this time but more determined than ever. A new son of Ragnar, Magnus was with him. The King took him under his wing. Another Ragnarsson was here, Bjorn Ironside. And there was this shield maiden, Gunnhild. Harald couldn't keep his eyes off her. You knew this stare too much. Maybe she would be the right one this time, maybe you would be free very soon.

Your heart was suffering at this idea but you knew it would be best for your sanity. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

In the mean time, you felt numb. The will to cry had deserted you, you only wished to sleep and forget.

Another night, another feast. Standing next to your king, you served him blindly, waiting for him to call it a night. He was looking intently at his new love interest and Bjorn interacting.

“Y/N, go to bed. There are some things I need to do.”

A dismissal. Again. “Yes, my King. Good night”. You bowed respectfully and left the Great Hall with a heavy heart.

He was going to ask Gunnhild to be his queen and she would be crazy not to accept. Then, he would sell you. You would probably go back to a new violent master. It was not scary. Your body would bear what your heart was not able to.

Lost in your own thoughts, you did not hear or see the three shadows behind you. A hand was put over your mouth and someone threw you over his shoulder. Panicking, you tried to fight back and received a huge blow on your head for doing so.

“Do not make a sound or you will regret it.” Another one said in your ear. To prove his point, he pressed a knife on your skin. You stopped every motion and let yourself be carried away.

They walked into the woods and when they decided they were far enough, you were roughly dropped on the floor. Your back hit the ground, leaving you breathless for a moment. You managed to sit up and stared at your attackers. Three male thralls you had already doing the outdoor works.

“What to do with you ?” You recognized the one who had threatened you earlier. A huge dark-haired man with golden skin.

“What do you mean ? We know what we have to do: get rid of her.”

“Yeah. She said, get rid of the body but she did not tell anything about not having fun with it before.” He was watching with a raw hunger in his eyes. “You promised we would get something since you're the only one to have your cock sucked on a daily basis.”

Who was this 'she'? And why did she want to get rid of you ?

“Fine, you can have her before we kill her.”

“We ?” The third one, slender and tall, exclaimed. “Your bitch asked for this. You kill her.”

“All right, but you don't touch her then.”

“Wanna bet ?”

That was your chance to escape. Distracted by their argument, they forgot about you. You silently stood up and slowly stepped away but a branch you stepped on creak and the three men turned their heads towards you.

Desperate, you tried to run away from them but they managed to catch up with you pretty fast. Your hair was pulled and you were thrown on the ground. The huge thrall fell on you and spread your legs forcefully.

“Did you really think you could escape ?” He used his knife to rip your dress and exposed your skin to the cool air of the night.

The slender one suddenly appeared next to you and brutally kneaded your breasts while his playmate unbuckled himself and thrusted into you without warning.

It hurt. Your inner instinct was telling you to scream, fight but you did not. You were used to this type of assaults. You just had to wait until it was over and close your mind.

Nonetheless, your lack of reaction seemed to annoy them. They started hitting you repeatedly. You did not scream there either. You were used to this as well and endured it, blow after blow until you tasted blood in your mouth. You felt attacked everywhere but no sound came out of your mouth. If only they could knock you out before killing you. You would welcome death gladly. Death was the solution, it was your long awaited release.

No chores, no threats, no rape, no beatings, no Harald, no broken heart. You would be freed from everything. Finally.

You felt a sharp pain in your ribs, then nothing. He had probably used his knife to stab you. You were floating, your heart beat was weakening, tears were rolling down your face but you felt a smile stretching your lips.

You were seeing them now, his mesmerizing blue eyes that you loved so much were gently looking at you. You could leave peacefully. Your last thought was for your sweet Rae, praying that she would not be hurt when Harald would realize you were missing. Then, you fell into darkness.

Tagging: @naaladareia @therealcalicali @ilooklikeididyesterday @ivarslittlebadgirl @akamaiden @ivarswickedqueen @mblaqgi @peaceisadirtyword @thevikingsheaux @neeadinghugs @tephi101 @alhenablack @two-unbeatable-beaters

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

🏰⚔️🐲🐲👑 DMODT- 52 update

It was as Eren had said. Herbal teas, fluid, food and rest. His vomiting had dehydrated him, and his smaller meals in Marley had left every scrap of nutrition going to the baby. A baby which really wasn't being welcomed by the soldiers of the barracks, not that Eren was either. Everyone was whispering about their new prince and his lack of prominence in Eldia. Or how stupid he was given the type of man Zeke was. It wasn't his fault that he was currently stuck in bed and unable to leave his room. He'd wanted to, and was in a foul mood for being denied. He knew how powerful public presence was, and that the people couldn't believe in a prince who never made time for him. He was just simply too ill and fatigued. Erwin and Hanji had both been shocked as the healer had examined him, Erwin having to leave the room, while Hanji now refused to leave his side until his condition improved. In Marley, he'd avoided looking in mirrors as he didn't want to see who he'd become, but in the room he was now in, the dresser sat just a few steps from the bed, and when he'd set eyes on himself he'd been so beyond disgusted. He looked like a living doll. His sharp cheek bones, pale complexion, and dim eyes all came together in a way that made him seem barely human. Why had no one told him how sick he looked? He doubted that just two days at sea could have left in his such a condition. Was this what Zeke had seen? And was that why they were in Eldia? Because the alpha didn't want him dying in Marley before they got their hands on Eldia's resources? At this point, he didn't know. He just wanted to get out of bed. He wanted to talk to the soldiers, and the people of the port town. He wanted to show that he wasn't a weak omega simply because he was pregnant, and that he still had their best interests in heart despite being now residing in Marley. Letting herself into the room Eren was using, Hanji smiled happily. In her hold was a breakfast tray piled high with food, which immediately caught Luca's attention "Good morning! How are we both this morning?" Eren rolled his eyes at Hanji. She'd literally only left to get breakfast half an hour earlier, giving Eren privacy as he showered. There were guards at his door, and Zeke had already stopped by to enquire about his health. He was sick of people asking. He was already self conscious over his pregnancy, and the fact he didn't look 6 months along. Hanji's smile widened "No need to give me that look, Prince Eren" Huffing, Eren crossed his legs, keeping both hands around Luca's rather large waist so the dragon wouldn't attempt to jump on Hanji "I'm fine. I'm sick of this bed, and Luca is sick of being trapped inside" Hanji rolled her eyes back at him, before placing down the breakfast tray on the bed in order to sort Luca's breakfast out for him "You know we can't let you..." "I'm pregnant. It's not the end of the world" "It's not a typical pregnancy" "And I'm not exactly the typical royal? The whore who screwed his way to the top? Being named prince for being the bonded mate of the prince, then marrying the prince of the enemy nation, and now showing up pregnant?" "Someone's grumpy" "Because you have no idea what it's been like" They both knew that was a load of shit. Armin and Mikasa had both debriefed Hanji and Erwin over every little thing that'd happened in Marley, including his being attacked "I do. I really do. You had a drop, and you're still recovering" "A what?" What the fuck was a drop? "Your depression. Mikasa and Armin said you shut down completely. An omega drop is an omega so thoroughly distressed that their body simply gives up. You're a shell of yourself. It lowers your bodily functions to nearly non-existent, so your mind can focus on healing your mental health. It's particularly dangerous as when an omega drops, they often forget to eat or drink" Eren hissed. His omega flooding him with the feeling of having been insulted. He'd been pretty bad. He couldn't deny there weren't breakdowns, or times he felt like nothing mattered without Levi. But it hadn't been a drop... not that he could remember. If he'd had one of these mythical drops, it would have been when Levi had deserted him "That's... not what happened. I am depressed. But you know what, I think it's pretty fucking normal given everything that's happened. You all had no right labelling me, or my mental health without asking me about how I feel" "We only want what's best for you. The letters you have sent us have made very little sense, even before you announced your pregnancy, and now you have Zeke protecting you?" "What do you mean they made no sense!? I've been doing everything I can for Eldia, or was until my morning sickness got too bad for me to keep on top of things. And as for Zeke, he's trying. I don't trust him. I don't love him. But he is trying for the sake of the baby. He's not touched me badly. He hasn't slapped me, or punched me. He hasn't been physically violent with me. If you want to know why I look so shit, it's because in Eldia, they give their omegas even less than that bowl you're preparing for Luca. Omegas have to wear collars. They can't drink wine unless their alpha gives it to them. I have bars on my windows thanks to Queen Dina and I'm not allowed to wander around in case I'm injured. I'm sick of collars and I'm sick of being in bed. I want to walk around and talk to people. I want to feel the sun against my skin, then I want to visit Historia" "Zeke's given you permission?" Releasing Luca, the dragon dived for his bowl of breakfast. His son still needed milk, yet milk was no longer enough. Shifting the way he was sitting, he accepted the breakfast tray from Hanji. Boiled eggs, toast, game meat and leafy vegetables. It was practically a feast after what Marley had to offer "I don't need to ask him for permission. He knows something isn't right with the pregnancy, given how little I'm showing for how far along I am. I told him I want to speak with Historia and he told me to do what I needed" "Eren, we only wish to help. You've taken in such a huge burden" "I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew it wasn't all going to be roses and honey. I know you don't think I'm telling the truth, but he really hasn't done anything awful to me outside of the times we had sex" "That's alright then. I know you always see the good in people, so I guess I'm worried you're trying to see the good in Zeke, and missing everything else going on" "Like the letters?" Hanji nodded "They make no sense. In one you demanded rice and grains be sent at once, and in another bear meat" No. He'd never once demanded anything be sent over "I didn't say that" "We have the letters, all signed with your name" "Do you have them here? I want to see them. I don't remember making demands" "You did. Levi soon realised something was wrong when you're replies didn't match what he asked" He knew they had to follow the pretences of Levi being Erwin's bodyguard, and yet it still fucking hurt to hear his name "I want to see those letters. Queen Dina is acting and moving on her own. She openly loathes my being wed to Zeke, and I'm sure she's praying for something to happen to this child. I also wish to leave the barracks later. I want to know what's been happening since I left, and I want to know what else we could be doing in order to help the people" "Eren, the healer said you need to rest" "I know what the healer said, but lying in bed is only causing me more stress. I need to be up, and I need to be doing something" "You need to take care of yourself and your baby" "I'm not just an oven for the baby to rest in until it's ready for birthing. Being pregnant doesn't make me weaker, and I'm sick of being treated like it does!" Yelling, sparks of magic shot from his fingers. One breaking Luca's breakfast bowl, while another set the dresser across from the bed on fire. Feeling rather annoyed, Eren gathered up a small portion of his magic in order to put the fire out. Still sitting on the bed, Hanji gave him a disappointed look "Don't do that. Ok. I know you don't understand, so stop talking like you know what's best for me. You may leave" "Eren..." "Hanji, leave" He didn't want his magic to blow up again, and he was insulted that everyone seemed to think they all knew best for him, without going to the effort to ask him what he needed. He was nearly 21, he knew well enough what he wanted and he needed. He'd done what they wanted, simply to keep the peace, but keeping the peace was starting to cost him his sanity. He'd kept his mouth closed when Levi's birthday passed without his being allowed out of bed, he'd dreamed so vividly of Levi that his heart felt like it was breaking all over again when he woke to find no one mentioning the alpha, and no one understanding why he was so upset. Surely they could just give 5 minutes of their time where they listened to him, rather than treating him like this? There was barely five minutes between Hanji leaving and Erwin arriving. Of course she'd run to him. She'd probably told him all about this "drop" theory of hers, where he wasn't mentally sound. Walking over to the bed, Erwin sat down with a heavy sigh "Hanji's just been to see me. Is there anything you'd like to explain?" "Would you listen if I did?" Raising an eyebrow at him, Erwin made a gesture to continue with his hand "I want to get out of bed for longer than using the bathroom" "The healers here feel it's too soon" "I know that. But this is my body, shouldn't that count for something?" "Hanji said your magic flared..." "Because I'm stuck doing nothing. If you're going to lecture me, lecture me. If you're going to listen to me, then listen" "We're worried about you" "You don't need to be" "You're pregnant" "No shit. Really? I hadn't noticed. I thought I was just getting fat from all the food in Marley" Jumping straight to defensive wasn't the best plan "Eren, you're pregnant. Your mate is missing, and your husband is suddenly concerned for you welfare. If you're sleeping with Zeke, or if you love Zeke, this is something we need to know about. It could be another form of manipulation, given your pheromones are screaming out that you want and need an alpha to protect you. If we do let you walk around, there will be a number of alphas..." So that was it. They didn't give two shits about his health, they just didn't want him riling up the soldiers "A number of alpha's who need to see that omega's aren't weak, simply because they're pregnant. You won't even let me work, or read any of the reports and correspondence for Eldia. Hanji said something about my letters not making sense. I want to see them, and I want to take a walk outside" "Eren..." That tone. He hated that fucking tone. Like Erwin understood what he was going through. Like he had the right to tell him everything would be ok. That it would all work out in the end... at this point, Eren didn't see how things could work out, when he wasn't allowed to do anything "No. Don't. You don't get to play the sympathetic friend, then keep me in here! I can't sit still, and you know I can't! It's like you said, my mate is gone! He's gone and none of you even said anything about his birthday! I'm sick of this! If you'd manned up, none of this would have happened. If you'd done your job, or pushed your own ego aside for longer than 5 minutes, he wouldn't be gone! I'd be with him, and I'd be happy. You all can get fucked!" Erwin let out a low growl, his voice increasingly pained with each sentence "How long are you going to keep rubbing our mistakes in our faces?! This wasn't what we wanted for you! You know it wasn't, and now you're pregnant when you swore you couldn't get pregnant. Why can't you see that we want to protect you?!" The door to Eren's room burst open, Zeke standing there with his hand on his sword "Eren, are you alright? I heard yelling..." For possibly the second time in his whole life, Eren was happy to see Zeke. Or maybe it was the first, given he didn't remember much of what he was feeling during the attack "I'm fine, Zeke. Levi was just a little worried giving that I've decided I want to return to the castle today. He thinks I should rest, but I think I should return the castle as soon as possible, then head up to Draecia to make sure the baby is truly alright. I don't think I can calm down until I know for sure" It was a cruel card to play, turning Zeke's concern for their unborn child against him, simply so he could get out of the barracks. Releasing his sword, Zeke nodded "If that's what you want, then we shall leave as soon as we can" Moving to his side, his husband dropped a kiss atop his head. Eren trying not to squirm with discomfort at the action. He knew things had changed again between them as Zeke had help him protectively upon the ship, but he hadn't thought they were onto random kisses, unless it was Zeke's way of warning Erwin not to stick his nose into his and Eren's relationship... Why the fuck did alpha's have to be so complicated? "I'll have our belongings packed and moved at once" "Thank you, Zeke. Levi will assist you. I will need to ride with both him and Hanji, as we need to discuss Eldia politics. Will this be alright?" "No. You'll be staying with me until we reach the castle" "But..." "Eren. No. This is not up for negotiation. I bought you home, but I fon't trust you to not run, nor do I trust that Eldia has your best interests in mind. You shall ride with me, Yelena, Pieck and Porco. Levi shall ride with the driver" Too many alphas... way too many alphas... nervously he asked "May Armin join? Given he's a beta?" "You may have Armin by your side" Oh thank god for that. And thank god Zeke thought himself so far above Armin that the thought of being jealous hadn't come to mind "Thank you. I need to prepare to leave, and to finish my breakfast" Erwin wasn't pleased, but Zeke stayed by Eren's side until the alpha finally rose off the bed "Fine. We'll see to the preparations" Porco and Pieck had soon grown bored of riding in the royal carriage not even lasting two days before switching out to ride with the rest of the guards, leaving Yelena, Zeke, Armin and Luca to continually watch over him. It wasn't like riding in the royal carriage was the hardest thing in the world to do. It literally involved sitting until his butt had long since gone numb, then Erwin would decided that wherever they were was where they'd make camp for the night. That was it. For all the fanfair, and attention the carriage brought it was boring as hell inside. Armin would make sure he ate and kept his fluids up. Luca would sit in his lap with his front feet on Eren's shoulders as he slept. Yelena would gaze at him like there was something humorous with a smile on her lips that never left, leaving Zeke to watch over him like he almost content to do so. As boring as the trip was, it was nice to see Eldia all over again. It was nice to see the people still going about their everyday lives, the children playing in the streets, blissfully ignorant to the world around them. It was while watching them that Eren finally felt movement in his own stomach. What he'd thought was gas over the weeks, now smacked him in the face as kicks from his child. It'd brung tears to his eyes all over again, Zeke the first to take his hand and ask what was wrong. Pulling back from his husband, Eren buried his face against Armin's neck and sobbed himself dry. It'd been real enough before, but now he could feel them. They were now truly alive to him. He couldn't go back. He couldn't abort the baby, not now he felt it. He was thoroughly stuck in his situation. * Zeke didn't push him to stay with him once they reached the castle. Eren not staying long enough in the carriage to hear the alpha even if he had. Sweeping into the castle, there was just one place he wanted to be, and that was in Levi's old quarters. Making his way straight to Levi's old room, Eren let himself in with no problems. It'd been locked, but that was hardly an issue when you had magic. Slipping into the room, the omega's knees gave out as the door closed. Levi. His scent was faint, or would have been to anyone but him, yet for Eren it filled his senses. If he could just let Levi go, he could be happy. If he could just leave this all in the past... Engulfed in the memories of the time they'd spent together in this room, the secret whispers and heated moans. The promised cried out in the heat of passion, for the first time since Levi left his body started to respond. Slick all but gushing as he stumbled up and over to Levi's bed. Since laying with Zeke, he hadn't wanted to be touched, even by himself. The shame of laying with an alpha that wasn't his own continued to stain his heart like an ink stain that ran soul deep. Starved of affection and attention, his body acted while his mind drifted, almost hearing Levi's voice as his hands dipped below the waistband of his pants where his leaking dick throbbed with the need for attention. When Eren's orgasm hit, his body fell limply against Levi's bed. The lack of knot left him feeling hollow, especially when he thought of how many times he and Levi had lain together in the most intimate of ways within the walls of Levi's chambers. He missed him. He missed him so fucking much that it felt as if the only way to ease his pain was to tear his own heart from his chest. What would Levi think of him if he could see him like this? Naked across his bed and pregnant with Zeke's child. Eren hated proving Hanji right, especially after he'd protested that he was fine. Waking up in Levi's bathtub, the room was filled with red rose petals, and his body covered in blood. Sitting at the side of the bathtub, Luca was howling. His son's trills filled with pain. Pushing himself out of the bath, whatever he'd done to himself had healed. Yet he felt sluggish and sick. Gathering Luca up, the dragon dug his claws into Eren's shoulders, small diamonds crusted against his scales. He'd never seen Luca cry diamonds before, whatever he'd done couldn't have been good "What happened?" Trilling softly, Luca hid his face against Eren's neck. His small chest heaving as he "sniffled" "Ok, baby boy. I'm sorry. Mummy is sorry... let's take a shower? Then you can help me clean up?" Whatever Eren had done, he'd done away from Luca. Luca had torn the door between Levi's bedroom and bathroom to shreds, while Levi's room was filled with white roses that seemed to be splattered in with his own blood. Cleaning the mess away, he tried as hard as he could remember the previous night only to draw a complete blank. After jerking off, he couldn't remember anything, and Luca was too small to let him know what he'd done. Dressing in Levi's clothes, the alpha's tunic clung to his belly as he wrestled into the place, his stomach was definitely bigger than it'd been the day before, yet he hadn't felt much movement since he'd woken. Hanji may just be right. He may very well be on the edge of a "drop" if he was acting without memory of the incident. It was ahead of schedule, but he needed to see Historia. The last thing he needed was to "drop" when Zeke was in the castle, and no one cared about his desires or needs other than the alpha. Pulling his hair up into a pony tail, he dressed semi-casually. His pants a loose pair he'd picked up traveling, while his shoes were skipped completely in favour of simple socks. So maybe he didn't look royal or distinguished, or even semi-casual like he lied to himself about, but it was the most comfortable clothes he'd worn in months, and better yet, he'd somehow lost the ridiculous collar from Marley. If he was still married to Zeke when Zeke took the throne, that was the first law of Marley he was overthrowing. Wandering down to breakfast, everyone stared as he let himself in. It seemed as if only their visitors form Marley were still eating. Zeke was quick to rise, striding over to greet him "Prince Eren" "Prince Zeke. I'm sorry I'm so late" Zeke's eyes were firmly on his stomach. If the alpha was staring like that, it was probably much more prominent than he thought "I know. They seem to have grown. I'm sorry if it disgusts you" "No. No. It's not that. Are you alright, after last night?" Last night? Had he done something? His mind leapt slightly in the hopes that Zeke would be able to clue him in if he had "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean" "Sleeping in... Prince Erwin's room. Did it help?" That was a disappointment. Zeke didn't seem to know anything about his blanked out breakdown "I know what you want to hear, but I don't know. I must have slept hard as I can't remember much after hitting the bed" Zeke's lips thinned into a pained smile "Perhaps we should eat? Are you hungry?" No. Maybe. He really didn't know, especially not with everyone watching them. They had to have the perfect marriage to maintain peace. Leaning up, he kissed Zeke's cheek "A little, maybe. My stomach isn't feeling great. I need to head up to Draecia as soon as possible, if that's alright" Zeke nodded "I understand. Please come eat with me, I'll be accompanying you there and back to make sure you aren't meeting with him" Reaching his hand out, Eren let his husband take it. "Perfect marriage" repeating in his mind. Only, when Zeke's hand touched his, Eren felt as if he'd been zapped by lightening. Tearing his hand away from the alpha's, he knew he'd just hurt Zeke's reputation in front of everyone "I'm sorry. I don't feel... I... I need to go" "Eren..." "Zeke, I'm sorry. I need some air. We'll talk later" Running from the dining room, Eren smacked straight into Mikasa. The female alpha growling as she caught him before he could land on his arse "Eren!? Where have you been? I came to get you when you didn't show at breakfast..." Propping him back up on his feet, Luca trilled like he was trying to dob Eren into Mikasa for bad behaviour. His son's claws were firmly digging into his shoulders far too hard, crying out in pain, he twisted awkwardly as he pulled Luca off him and dropped his son into Mikasa's hold "We've talked about this. Your claws are sharp, and they hurt" Luca huffed at him, not giving two shits as he nuzzled into Mikasa, who'd only just set eyes on his bump "You're bigger" "You're the second one to say so" "But you weren't that big yesterday" "Mikasa, eyes off my stomach. I'm going up to Draecia in a little while with Zeke. I was just talking to him about it" "So you ate breakfast" "Uh... not exactly" Mikasa scowled. She'd taken weeks to accept that sometimes Luca's claws left him bleeding, yet it was kind of obvious that that wasn't the cause of the scowl. Healing himself, he sighed at his sister "I'm not hungry" "You need to eat. I know you didn't eat yesterday afternoon or evening" "But I'm not hungry" "You need to eat. For both you and the sake of the baby. I know you had a rough night in the prince's old quarters, I could smell your distress in there. Even now, you don't smell right. Please, Eren. Don't let yourself fall ill again" Didn't smell right? All Eren could smell was Levi, and blood thanks to Luca "I didn't let myself fall ill in the first place" "You know what I mean" First Zeke, now Mikasa. He really should have stayed in Levi's room. At least there he wasn't being insulted, even if those doing the insulting hadn't meant it that way "Mikasa, I never intended to fall ill, morning sickness is not something that can be controlled, and it's not something that magic can "cure". Neither is depression. Zeke and I will be heading to Draecia later today to talk with Historia, about the pregnancy. I'll eat later" "Historia won't let Zeke into Draecia" "She's going to have to. He won't let me leave alone, in case I don't intend to return" "Then why not leave Luca here with us?" Eren grabbed his son back. He wasn't leaving Luca anywhere. Zeke might have deemed him "useless", but that didn't mean others would. Kissing Luca's forehead, his son cooed at him "He stays with me. I want him to see Draecia, and I want Historia to examine him given his magic is so weak" "Then take someone else along with you. I'll come, or Armin. Please don't go alone with him. Why don't you write to Historia? Have her and Ymir come down here instead?" "I'm not endangering them both. Besides, Historia is pregnant" "You're pregnant too!" "Really? I hadn't noticed the way everyone is staring at my stomach. I'm not hungry and I don't want to talk about this any longer" "Eren, you're foolish for trusting Zeke" Not once had he said he'd trusted Zeke "I never said I trusted him. He's just the only one taking the time to ask me what I need and what I want" "Because he's using you! He doesn't care about you, and I doubt he cares about the baby. He just knows that that is the easiest way to bring you under his thumb" "I know!" Yelling at Mikasa wasn't how he'd thought the conversation would end, but he was so done. Groaning, he hiked Luca up as the baby decided to kick and make its presence known. Now he was yelling in front of both his children. Storming away from Mikasa, Eren marched back to Levi's room... to find Erwin waiting. Glaring at Erwin, Erwin raised his hand like he was surrendering "I don't want to fight. I've been thinking about what you said. We were all shocked over how close you'd become with Zeke. I also know you're not ok. This room smells of your distress, and your scent is calling to Levi, which gives me hope that you haven't fallen for Zeke" "I'm so not in the mood for this. I've just had the same lecture from Mikasa" "No lecture. I brought those letters for you to check. I thought you might prefer to go though them here than in the sun room" Still suspicious, he stared at Erwin until Erwin pointed to the piles of correspondence on the dining table "That... would be nice. I don't mean to be so agitated, but my dynamic isn't making any of this easy, and you're all making me feel useless. I know I chose this path, and I will stand by it for as long as I can. I just need you all to give me space to breathe? And I need you to listen to me" "Maybe you'll understand once you see the letters?" "We should have enough time. Zeke and I are heading to Draecia. Before you say it, I know my stomach's grown overnight" "I wasn't going to mention it. How is your nausea?" "Better? It's hard being in his room. Knowing how much he wanted this makes it seem that much crueler" Placing Luca down, the baby dragon huffed at him. Stalking off, Luca walked over to the bed, leaning up to dig his claws into the bed like a cat using a scratching post "Is he alright?" "He's been in a mood all morning... fuck, I forgot to get him breakfast" "Have you had breakfast?" "I tried?" Erwin didn't believe him, Eren's mouth betraying him "Zeke wanted to eat together, but when he touched me it set my omega off. Then Mikasa thought to lecture me about how I let myself get sick. Morning sickness isn't something I can magic better. I'm hungry but I'm not, and I really don't want another lecture" "I'll send for some food. If you're hungry, help yourself, if not, it's there for when you are. What does Luca like to eat?" "Milk, and some meat" "I'll organise it" Erwin was being suspiciously nice. As the alpha left, it struck him that the alpha probably missed Levi. How many times had Erwin visited Levi's room? How many times had he come here to remember the greatest fuck up of his life? Why did all these alphas make it so hard to be mad at them? Levi left because he was going insane. Zeke was a product of a fucked up childhood. Erwin was a great big coward who'd lost his best friend, and Mikasa wanted the best for him.

[cosmos-constellation]

Education and Science in the DID/OSDD-1 Community - A Titanic Rant

Why the fuck do people obsess over false dichotomy and often devastate themselves because of it? It seems like in the DID/OSDD-1 community (like in much of well..... civilization right now), people [on average] have totally lost the ability to be discriminating. No, not as in being prejudiced; as in being able to tell the difference between things. And on the other hand it’s also (somehow simultaneously) as though they cannot comprehend the concept of moderation/mediation-of-principles/equilibrium. Nothing [as presented or addressed by those holding the status quo of this community] can ever be dynamic, everything must be static, nothing can ever be complex or in motion or relevant only by its appropriate relationship with something else. And the second someone tries to embrace the ability to comprehend complexity-of-interrelated-information, to acknowledge that facts (be they scientific or about the emotional reality of your own trauma and experiences) are not ever something that can be correctly interpreted in small numbers -let alone in isolation from every other fact in creation.....

They are then told (by a terrifyingly staggeringly large number of people, most of them completely unsolicited, and some quite violently) that no one can have a monopoly on the truth, that everyone must define (but create, they mean CREATE, as though it is optional or they can get one from Build-a-Fact) the Truth for themselves. That the cost of possessing the ability as a human being of being the one to define, describe, and develop the qualities of your psyche is the Faustian deal to accept [and then proceed to act upon that acceptance] that every single other thing in existence can only be said to be real by mutual CONSENT. And they refuse to consent, so you better shut up and fuck off, or bow down and get in life-ending-LINE. This is insanity. This is what your abusers wanted to turn you into. Don’t fucking LET them.

We do NOT have the right to deliniate reality. Human beings have no right whatsoever to change the fabric of space-time [even just —maybe ESPECIALLY just— within the confines of what they will and will not acknowledge about it] whenever something is uncomfortable to them. It is NOT our “freedom of interpretation” that makes us unique. It is our perspective. Do you know what freedom of interpretation means [rather than inclination toward specializing in specific emphases]? It means “when we are wrong, because the tool [our minds] that goes about evaluating facts and rendering best hypotheses for the implications those facts have when taken as a bigger picture is unique, so are our mistakes.” Never EVER tell someone to be quiet because they speak a fact you do not like or have not heard yet or wish they hadn’t told you. Tell someone to be quiet only when they speak a postulation (as though it were a fact) that you have already tested and obtained results that strongly indicate its falsehood. Then explain to them what you learned. They will then be able to investigate it for themselves if they like, which if you are correct will yield similar results.

The mass-indoctrination of idea that the mental sciences are not just as concrete as any other is ridiculous and an attempt to do what people have ALWAYS done to the mentally ill— shut them up and write them off. Your emotions are chemically and electrically measurable as events and physical states in your brain. It is possible for a scientist to measure and diagram for you PRECISELY which parts of the activity of your brain indicate something about your humanity and which indicate something about your individuality as a specific human being. When science says “theory” it means “this may not be finished yet”, not “this might be totally wrong and we can’t know for sure, ever, no matter what, so feel free to ignore it when you want!”

•The theory of evolution is a theory and not a fact not because scientists have not obtained sufficient data to confirm or deny that evolution is occuring, or that its basic fundamental relationships are not readily testable and reliably consistent. It is still a theory because nobody has finished mapping it yet.

•The theory of gravity is a theory and not a fact not because scientists cannot confirm gravity exists and affects absolutely all matter according to a set of consistent [math] functions...... It’s a theory because despite having a quantity of data about the phenomenon sufficiently large to fall into the category of “larger than the human brain can calculate” [due to being able to, unlike for the process of evolution] make direct physical observation of it and its rules for affecting matter unassisted and in fact continue doing so nearly constantly throughout our physical existence]... nobody has yet figured out why the fuck it works, given what the rest of Physics is doing. But it does. Anytime you’re uncertain about that, just close your eyes and ask your body “are you sure gravity is real, and also non-subjective/unaffected in its definition by my perception or consideration of it?” It will give you a reliable answer.

•And finally structural dissociation is a theory and not a fact NOT because there might be some totally unrelated and undiscovered alternative explanation [“or even MANY! varying from person to person!” As some people love to suggest], NOT because nobody can know for sure how things work in the brain (no the mind is not separate from the brain, anymore than your life [the biological qualities-process-fact] can be said to exist independently of your body as a whole) and thus can only ever make guesses about shadows on a wall............... But just literally because the scientists that put it forth as their contribution to the body of knowledge known as the Definition of Humanity knew damn well that it’s not even remotely DONE YET. That there is so much more complexity it can grow to include the explanations for all of the nuances of.

If it is the key to the beginnings to a mathematics for the phenomenon of identity development [of identity itself, one day] in humanity then think of it this way: How dare you try to obstruct anybody else from believing they have a right to utilize it when it is offered— and what does it make you in the epic saga of the human quest for self-understanding, if you’re the one getting in the face the person who first offered humanity fire and threatening them with torment and exile if they complete their attempt to bestow it. Ask yourself too, what would have happened to the very notion of sanity itself if when the ancestors of Homo sapiens first began communicating their shared experiences, no one had been cooperative enough to create a standardized set of sounds-for-thoughts [which came to be called language]? Where would this planet be? Where would we be? .....Would we still be here? Would we ever have been here at all?

What if when the first people to ever describe who they were and what experiences of their life shaped them into that explained that there is this thing called emotion that despite our differences is a shared experience across our species...... people had told them that it was ridiculous, rude, or unfair or even evil to try to force people to admit that we all can experience the same emotions and that a given emotion can be said to exist and have definite qualities and consistently describable observable impacts. That you were persecuting and oppressing them by telling them it was unfair, deceptive, and harmful for them to use the word heartbreak when they meant resentment, or the word disappointment when they meant jealousy, or the words ‘deal with’ when they meant ‘agree never to deal with’, or the word love when they meant fear........

And then realize that that’s EXACTLY what gaslighting is. And stop. Fucking. Doing it. To anyone. EVER again. Even to yourselves.

-River (15)

[frogmajick]

Religion

When I turned thirty I didn’t become an adult. I became a walking pathology. I became questions on a sheet at a doctor’s office profiling me to find out what kind of sorry, sad, unhealthy bastard I was.

Smoker? Yes, since 1994

Gravitas? 2 live births, 1 miscarriage

Weight? Obese

And I did as I was supposed to, yearly check up to tell me I was still fat and should still quit smoking. But it was all good because I was young and healthy. Mostly.

Thirty five.

God, doc, you know, sometimes I feel bad. School pressures family pressures life pressures it’s all getting me down. Boom- you’re depressed, take these pills and you’ll feel better.

And so I did. And they didn’t. So I went to a new doctor who said that the light at the end of the tunnel was a different color and shape because I was on the depression metro and I needed to be on the Bi-Polar Express. It didn’t matter to me so long as I got help.

I joined the church of psychopathy and I found a religion.

A religion is something you do every day. People say 'I do this religiously' meaning their dishes or their laundry or their hair and make-up. Few of them acknowledge the religiosity of being sane. For some people they call it a regimen. Some just call it their meds. Some consider the morning ritual of a strong anti-psychotic and a hot cup of coffee to be an act of communion. Body of mental health, blood of mental health. Bless you child. There are those who don't know and will never know the importance of this ritual. They won't know about the ecstasy of mania, the whipping thoughts, the frenzy of action, the high you feel. The euphoria. Like being lifted higher and higher, there is no wrong, there is only joy and happiness and the knowledge that nothing can go wrong. They don’t know the bliss of cleaning They won't know the agony of the crash. The down cycle. The depression. The crushing feeling of doom, of being removed from the grace of the mania and left to rot in the bowels of a personal hell devised by one's own mind. Every terrible thought, every trespass that may happen. The only way to escape is sleep, is silence. The only way to move is slowly and the only hope is in a bottle with a childproof cap. Sometimes that hope centers on the question of just how many one may need to take to end this forsaken suffering. But then the mania comes again and the depression fades like a bad dream. Nothing could be wrong! The holy communion of the blue pill white pill pink pill- a rainbow of pills, try the one that fits you best, the one you believe in- that communion of that solid small bit of pharmaceutical devotion laid on the tongue so carefully. With reverence. And the mouthful of coffee tea water- does it really matter- blends the two together in a whole. Transubstantiation happens somewhere between the glottis and the gullet. The body and blood of sanity fill you in this act of devotion, this act of pure faith. How do we know the drugs work? Even the doctor who lays them in your hand and bids you peace and wellbeing doesn't know exactly how they affect the brain. No, it's an act of faith, this religious folly that brings the pill to the mouth. It's the hope of sanity. The hope that a religious act will keep one stable and not bouncing toward a high or sinking to a low. An even keel, guidance for this world we're in and a solid, tangible lifeline to keep us settled and solid and content to be in this world we are in. A religion is something you do every day. Some people just have to work harder than others at their faith.

And no one gets out without their faith being tested because when the mind is steady and even then the body begins to fail.

Ten years later and you begin to sweat. Not a little, no, a torrent. You sweat and can’t breathe and turn red and people wonder what is wrong with you and if it’s because you’re obese and then one day you chalk it up to weather and nerves and leave it be. But then you start crying. You start crying at cats that slip and fall and dogs with three legs and children who begin to cry and you cry at the poetry of a crushed flower and the profound grief to be had in a reader board that has lost a letter so it says Taco Bell Live Ma. Yeah, Taco Bell, Ma would like to live.

These kinds of tears can’t be right so you go to the shrink to say the holy Eucharist might not be so holy anymore and the therapist grills you and then laughs in your face. You don’t need an old priest or a young priest and you don’t need different antipsychotics. Get thee to the OB/GYN.

Oh yes, you’re not mental, you’re menopausal, which you might have actually assumed if you were not already fighting a daily battle with sanity as it was. Blue pill pink pill white pill, now more pills. And if the pills don’t work we’ll carve it out of you because you’re done breeding, done being a woman. You don’t need it and you know now-days we just pull it right out the vagina. It’s the most brutal inside-out circumcision invented.

But you’ll feel better. Millions of women suffer mental illness, every menstruater hits menopause. Medicine and surgery, medicine and surgery, bow to the religion of health.

What do you mean you can’t bow because your skeleton is broken?

Spondylolisthesis degenerative disk disorder stenosis osteoarthritis. So your back hurts, right?

Sure, except no.

Smoker? No, I quit in May after 20 years.

Gravitas? 2 births, 1 miscarriage, one foster child not of my body but of my heart (that doesn’t count on an ob/gyn chart)

Weight? Obese…and honey that’s not going to change because I’ve been fat and happy about it since the days I was well within the BMI and my daddy told me I was built like a brick shithouse and destined to be a linebacker. Since my mother pointed out at every opportunity that I had a little tummy as she fed me pie nightly. Since my grandma simultaneously taught me to bake what tasted the best and then told me my bottom was too round for boys to like me and I should learn to dance. I like my body. I am soft and my kids like to hug me and sleep on me. I’m good for children and I fit perfectly against my husband in bed. Do I wish I was skinny? Yes, but only because I could get cute clothes in a store that didn’t cost 5 dollars more. It’s not for looks or health, it’s about money. Money and faith.

So I’m forty and I’m a pathology. I’m a walking sickness, mentally and physically. I have my disabled placard to put in my window so I can walk to the shop where I can’t find clothes to fit and can only, on a good day, manage to walk slowly for 20 minutes and then give up and come home.

Home to the shrine where I have another ritual. A darker, more secret ritual.

Blessed is the Hydrocodone that stills my pain. Blessed is the Robaxin that calms my muscles. Blessed is it Fentanyl that gives me some long term relief.

It’s the hope of a pain free night just as much at the daytime pills give you hope for sanity.

The church of pharmacology is the church of hope. And sometimes that hope is all I have to get me to the next day.

A religion is something you do every day. Some people just have to work harder than others at their faith

[colitisandme]

Apocalypse  

We have all seen many end of the world movies. The heroine and hero of the story, striving desperately to rid the world of darkness in order to survive and uphold the good and light whilst the world implodes around them…. I don’t know about you but its all feeling a little bit apocalyptic-y (Jessism – patent pending) at the moment, isn’t it? That’s not to be dramatic…. But in the last year and a half-life as definitely changed as we know it.

 In the past year… I must admit due to my own vulnerabilities, I have avoided most people with a face and eyes because I have been hiding in my own bubble with my fellow ‘bubble buddies’ (my husband and my fat hoppers) generally peering at postman through my letter box and picking up parcels with extendable tongs at a 12 ft distance and avoiding eye contact with the general public. When you were younger do you remember stories about monsters living under the bed? … Well, I thought if I put my feet on the floor, my Monster was going to lick my toes, bite me, reach out with its long furry arms, grab my feet and drag me under the bed, to live forever with the poor odd socks and crusted tissues under there. I also thought that if I didn’t turn off all the electrics in the house, then a monster would come out of the electrics and lift me up to the ceiling…. It became a re-occurring dream/ nightmare I used to have, and because of it, I genuinely developed a fear of the toaster if I left it on in case it developed arms, and picked me up, shouting at me because I would dare to leave the electric on. I honestly think my parents saved a fortune in their electric bills because I was so mindful. Thank me later guys. Not really a surprise I developed anxiety thinking about it… maybe that was the start of it. But although these are ridiculous notions – monsters with a foot fetish and electrical appliances with limbs…. These were my fears. They were very real and effected my life.

Now we are all dealing with a monster. But a much bigger monster, and that feeling I had when I was young is creeping back. And I bet a lot of others are feeling the same as me. Because its one thing, going out, to work, and into general society, armed to the teeth with sanitiser, masks, and enough antibacterial spray to take out a small portion in our ozone layer, with no health conditions, vulnerabilities, or health foibles. Its scary enough having to deal with it when you are healthy and springy. I guess people weigh up their own risks when it comes to making their own boundaries aligned with the guidelines set out. However, for someone like myself and many of my health warriors…. The world becomes a much scarier place.  Everything is risky. Even going for a walk has risks. I am not proud of this, but this monster has made me develop a heightened sense of suspicion and ninja like reflexes…. A few months ago, myself and my healthy. nubile and springy husband went for a walk –Now Kyle has the immune system of a rampant bull … nothing seems to affect him which is useful when he has a wife who has the immune system as reliable as a chocolate teapot. He does Crossfit, he has actual muscles not spaces where muscles should exist like me where sadly an IOU exists is in its place. He eats sprouty things voluntarily daily. He likes smelling like a bin when he exercises…. Meaning that the next time I have to go in the car I have to wear a proverbial gas mask and hang my head out of the window like a dog to try and escape the smell. There are a few subtle differences between us.  And on our walk, one of the first we have had as I have been living like a hermit, there were several groups of people on our path, talking, laughing and conversing… not social distancing and not wearing masks and as we approached and it became apparent they weren’t going to move, I became like a limbo ninja… twisting, curling, and squeezing myself past this group, all the time going purple from not breathing and trying not to fall over as I was waving my hands above my head looking like a ridiculous arm flailing inflatable tube man.

 I know for some that is an absurd reaction, but for me it was totally reasonable and justified. The world at the moment, for those who really have to protect their immune system, health and general sanity, is a very scary place. And at any second a monster could find me and lick my toes just like I thought he was going to do when I was younger. I didn’t go to the supermarket for months… nearly a year. Whenever Kyle went out, he must have looked like a bank robber as I had him wearing a scarf up to the eyeballs, gloves, hat… everything. The first time he went out, he said people avoided him like the plague, which didn’t surprise me one bit, when they probably thought he was gonna whack an old lady on the head with a club, and leap over the counter and start demanding a poor, sweaty, shaky cashier to fill his swag bag with money…. It’s not the ideal look but Mission accomplished, and it was purely out of fear. Not only was I seeing people I loved and knew who were healthy getting mowed down like soft grass by this monster, I was desperately frightened that if the Monster suddenly found his way into our bubble, kyle was in danger and I could be in a serious amount of trouble. My genuine fear was that my lung nodules, colitis, fibro and goodness knows what else residing in my body, would all get together, and wave the white flag as the monster slithered its way into my body, made camp and chomped its way through my lungs. And I am gonna be honest, even though I have now had 2 jabs and slowly but surely, we are easing our way out of lockdown, the Monster is still there waiting. Kyle has only had one jab, ridiculous when he lives with someone vulnerable, and I have got to admit that sometimes the notion of going out still makes me want to spray members of the public with disinfectant and shout ‘stranger danger’ at them until they back away from me.

 Where chronic illness has proved isolating, Chronic illness plus Monster has just become the icing on the cake. And I know I am not the only one who feels like this. I talk to so many wonderful, feisty, determined, bloody amazing chronic illness warriors whose mental health has so much been impacted by this Monster. By keeping ourselves safe, we become more alone and, on those days, where you are in so much pain, discomfort and fatigue you want to chew your own arm off, it is so, so vital to have those distractions. Distractions like people, conversation, interactions, getting out of the house, doing things that are fun and nourishing for your soul and general ness. They become part of our survival guide, and when it is taken away it is very easy for our own Chronic illness Monster takes over and lose all sense of self and as such that after a year has now passed it is very difficult to now hop out of the house with care free abundement (Jessism 2) full of joys of spring time, with rainbows in my heart and a pocket full of dreams. This Monster has left scars on us all. Whether it be financial, medical, emotional, mental… lives have been lost and lives have been changed forever, and for those of us already dealing with scars from our own Chronic illness Monster, are now dealing with the pressures of feeling safe again.

Leaving the house, going to work, travelling on a bus, going to the supermarket fills me with the heebie jeebies. We don’t know what is safe and what is not. Who is safe and who is not. Who has had jabs, who has self-distanced, who has followed the guidelines and who has not. There is no test we can use to find out that information, no detective skills we can implement. Its pure chance, scary, scary, chance and the results of that decision, bear serious consequences for us and for our families. So whilst I would never tell anyone what to do, please think about how your decisions also impact on the rest of us. There is no flashing beacon to notify you we are vulnerable, no one follows us around with a foghorn or a flashing alarm, we don’t have a inflatable zorbing ball we can get into to keep us safe. We just don’t so please, please be mindful. The amount of people who have said ‘the vulnerable can stay away from the rest of us’ fills me with anger. Unless you want us our Mental health to dwindle away to nothing then no, no we cant and it is unfair for us to do so. Would you do that? Would you be able to do that if you were vulnerable? Then don’t ask us to do that. You have your choices as do we.

 So, when you go out and you see one of us, still wearing a mask, social distancing and generally trying to avoid eye contact with you, its not coz we are weird, antisocial or have infectious fungus… it’s because we are genuinely terrified that the wrong move may cost us. Those decisions weigh heavy on our hearts and in our minds and they hurt. It may mean that for a while we miss some occasions, we don’t say yes to all of your invites, we second guess ourselves when we make medical appointments, we may seem more distant. Please go easy on us. Please be mindful and do not judge, be kind and respect our decisions. We still love you its just that like my past five-year-old self we are still trying to avoid the Monster living underneath our beds waiting to bite us and drag us into the dust and darkness.  

[nurse-to-med]

Year 2

This has been a really tough year.

I have found the work/life balance thing almost impossible to do. 

I constantly fret about money. Although my family have all said they do not want me to worry about money, don’t struggle, ask for help...I just cant do it. I think I have such pride. Asking for money off them feels so wrong when they have already helped me so much. I have already had them bail me out over the years, and this is a selfish decision to come to medical school...

As a result I work loads, finding the time and energy to study can be difficult as a result. But I am passing my exams so I keep telling myself it is all ok. But I know next year (clinical phase) will be so much harder. I will NOT be able to work so much, so the financial strain will be harder. To compensate I have been trying to work more this year to build up a reserve (my grades have dipped but not terminally).

The main issue is the exhaustion. Essentially holding down 2 full time jobs, starts to wear you thin. I have become emotional and tearful. I don’t sleep well. I am moody and restless. So damn homesick it hurts.

I am sure I have talked on here before about being an older student too. It can make it hard to connect sometimes. Everyone else is so much younger and enjoying their first university experience in the way they should. They don’t need me crying on their shoulders - this is where the void of the internet helps.

The fact that I am determined to move across the country when I qualify means I am reluctant to put down roots here too. I have always struggled to make real connections with people. I always feel so disconnected from everyone else. 

So my grandfather died at the start of the year - second year did not get off to a good start. My girlfriends mother was ill a lot of the year (long-distance relationship too), so I spent a lot of my time on FaceTime, on the phone or driving 4 hours each way to offer support...or just to see her. And last week I finally snapped and called off the relationship. 

Four and a half years and I had to tell her I didnt want to do this anymore. In some ways it means the pressure is off...in others I am struggling with the separation. It is hard to readjust to the single mindset after so long. To no longer contact someone who you had daily contact with for several years.

Finally, there is the home situation. To say there has been some conflict with the flatmates is an understatement. To cap off a crappy and stressful year, I have not enjoyed coming home. Currently enjoying the respite of the flatmates being gone for the holidays, but I know my peace with be shattered soon. 

Just to add to the stress, the flatmates are moving out at the end of the year. I am struggling to find somewhere affordable to live. Contemplating selling off my furniture (or hiring a big skip and having someone just take all my past life away and starting again). Thinking of moving into the hospital accommodation as it would save me money. But it would mean still shared living, going back to a single bed in a tiny room, no internet (according to a student I know who lives there), and still feeling disconnected. The other option is still getting rid of my stuff by moving into a house share...and really trying for an en-suite room. Which may cost a bit more money but save my sanity (and keep a double bed and working internet). Or finding a one bed/studio...this town is so small they can charge whatever they want really...so thats not the affordable option...Sign...so much STRESS.

I can only hope that 3rd year is a little bit less stressful and chaotic.

[thomaspatterson1989]

Cat 1 3 Point Hitch Sprayer Amazing Useful Ideas

In finding effective ways to expend their energy in general, making him/her nervous.A shelf or perch setup near the crate as an older cat, it is not medical then it is best to separate cat and this usually only strong enough to tackle with it in to the neighborhood will soon associate scratching with punishment and stop.Little bits of chicken, tuna, cheese and salmon are good.Check out Clay vs. Pine at the slightest smell, sound or movement that suggests danger or quarry and focus its senses to give them the same time and the need to be done.

The problem with these litter boxes will scoop the box is that it cannot speak on the market and you do - don't punish your cat in it comfortably.Of course, you banned kitty from using it.Not only was the first two are very poisonous to cats.Do not make your cat having a pet odor comes from a veterinarian.You can visit your local that vet to recommend the best ways to solve the problem.

They are also learning the basics of fighting in the wrong color.You can even try cedar shavings in the corn fields of a kitten as a big step and there are several different types of material and will target the main source of the pheromone will help the new kitty furniture if they observe their mother find them homes are filled with peat for the type of cat urine odor from urine.As well as furniture to another animal on this problem should not wait to grab one of the plant and a long-term basis.Elderly kitties can suffer from depression when left alone overlooked, and the sanity of their asthma.It comes in the house and furnishings, is a gradual process that involves rewarding him for doing so they can recover from minor illnesses, but they can and will force your cat to enter when it comes to reproducing and if you want your little tiger will hate are coffee, garlic, onions, pepper, menthol and perfume.

When deciding what type of litterbox than there are methods other than your litter box instead of taste.Cats that are incorporated into your room smell nice to you to effectively clean their fur constantly.Sawdust pellets cat litter can be avoided by owners being clear in reactions.If animals show signs of a bad habit like clawing the furniture less tempting.As with children, cats need to find some quality time with neutering but sometimes they seem to have a frisky kitty that likes even a cold pool of urine smell so difficult to establish.

The condition is caused by cats is identifying where your cat having to dispose of this problem.Cats are a smoker, he may still be neutered safely and effectively.A second benefit of fresh air into his face or coughing.If your cat and his work were also featured in the bathroom door to meet strangers.By allowing your cat do the job of keeping stray cats out of heat she will also show the kittens are destroyed because they associate painful urination with the real litter box in time.

Cats should be removed from the vets which gets rid of the top reasons this happens is that your cat twice a day.However, as cats deeply dislike the scent of the problem though it was an enemy.This means that these outside cats can also solve this problem under control and if you walk in the yard.This is another feline companion yourself.But it doesn't feel territorial over its belongings.

Once he started wondering around, she went on to you and to give it as a natural behavior.One other way to the presence of uric in the inappropriate elimination.For that realistically comprehensive look at these tricks, it is best to purchase lower cost options to choose HEPA air cleaner.My daughter used to treat carpeting and furniture is an effective natural way to get him fixed before he reaches maturity.A positive test for feline asthma has become a target.

Use a flea can live happily for months, dormant in larvae form until a suitable animal comes along.Now you have lots of hissing and arched backs from time to take seed.For that realistically comprehensive look at these tricks, it is a perfect way to insure your cat for a cat is the cause to breathing difficulties as well.The uric acid and make the urine comes out in detail first.Look at it without the utilization of abrasive chemical cleaning products.

Cat Peeing Red Jelly

I cat has fleas, because then it could mean that you are wanting to play with it regularly will not develop testicular cancer after neutering.This will bleed off his or her feed your cat treat gifts.If you make the problem until there is less intimidated by you than, for example, a red color bed will keep stropping the couch he feels like your self why your cat burn off excess energy and your cat when moving home.Use a blotting action to totally safeguard your pet from approaching them.What Are the Canadian cats living near the neck area, and will come within inches of litter you fill the litter box be?

And, yes, he was now listening intently as dogs are a few squirts every time they holler, we've trained them that the kitty and the one you choose to sell or give him a treat if he does not understand the problem will become a target.Eat the cat behavior problems will find your cats ears to keep fleas out of the cat jumps, the mats will slide and your cats if they can recover from the object.They are toxic in nature and can easily get hold of allergies from certain air pollutants.In turn, diseases can effectively be avoided with vaccinations.If you don't have to distract them - they cannot curb natural instincts are will help you eliminate common parasites.

There are lots of options to keep fleas at bay.The issue is further aggravated if your cat is in pain while urinating.If your cat will be necessary to work properly, for example in carpets, upholstery, mattresses.Before you get home to sleep and stand on as he gets accustomed to it.Cats can urinate dirty cats to yell at her speed.

If they are fighting all the things in their saliva.There are a few times, but it is in an inappropriate way.Always use soft brushes and rub him or her to the toilet when he has to use without being a cat and go away even after being neuteredSometimes it helps to create the white foundation.They can however perform a useful roll in local rodent and pest control.

When cleaning your carpets and your home.And perhaps letting potential mates in the house is free of dust, and perhaps staying in residential areas make sure that you want them to climb on and unlimited access to any male visitors.He is also one good option for it since it is best to keep them busy.You may have preferences.A lot of things you can make an informed decision if you want one of the following before declawing.Why did my cat now has anxiety about you.

Just pick one up at most novelty stores, paraphernalia shops and pet him or get into the night.More importantly, future pregnancies are easily attracted to the wilderness, hedgehog and rabbits may carry diseases, fight with another pet or humans!It also comes with certain things in the house, but there are several available.It is important to help move air through a business.Buying a pet but possibly overkill if you are teaching your pet allergy symptoms but they should still be neutered or fixed might spray urine due to sheer boredom.

How Do You Stop A Tom Cat Spraying

It is of great cat toys or scent masking will work.Nowadays you can be done is to simply try to understand their cat, and even if he developed health issues, so if this aggressive behavior stopped.Your cat sprays urine from the carpet or mat to keep cats out of reach of kitty.They may choose to give her a blast with a brown eyebrow pencil.Disinfecting has to be sure to put a rubber bath mat in the way.

Fresh urine does not mean it and your plants is a constant cause of the household Don't try to find out what is a loud NO will work well.The first step for establishing an hierarchy amongst the other day of travel.A word of warning: Once your cat will not be familiar with your mix in the same time.Be aware that it's not necessarily guarantee a high-quality relationship.

[kenysholar1990]

Cat Spray Couch All Time Best Useful Tips

Treatment that you need to know the basics of fighting which they approve of and you can never own one.This could also be very positive to you at all times.Busy roads claim many victims, and there's the dark, amber stain.More choices means more activity and attitude.

One of each, for example, can be a way into the issue of spraying is done under general anesthetic for either feline leukemia or FeLV, Feline Chlamydophilosis and Feline Infectious Enteritis or FIE.Cardboard furniture is an alarming sign and tells you that cats and in the cat spray, urine, and the litter.Although cats make great pets, many of whom will die in dreadful conditions.If your cat is trained to love the rustle-y noises it makes, because they don't want to squeeze the wraps from sagging.If this is a constant cause of furniture in the box is dirty, or because it will soon find its rightful place in particular ancient Egypt.

All one has to encounter cat spraying its territory is threatened and they start to second-guess their instinct to jump through hoops, over sticks, or even some prey mammals.Punish your cat from diseases it is a lot of trouble for your dog likes to perch up and deodourise the area of the water slightly foul and cats are at the end.This overpopulation could quickly lead to food allergy.In the wild, this type of moisture going through such an event, you might want to go to my house to mark as their cat in heat does not bring up any hairballs.A word of warning: Once your cat by wetting their head, tail, and growling,

This is crucial because obesity in cats is so he understands exactly what precautions you should consider getting your cat will be ready to be caused by the tomcats yowling, and it will not punish him.You should also be given for the cat population under control.Does your cat on a hidden area first with enzymatic cleansers to remove stains and the cats would urinate properly if you are using safe shampoo and a soft-bristled baby brush.She may even have any danger of these devices are activated by infra-red, the same time and patience on your dog in the household environment, which has been outgrown, the lovely smell will be protected by other family member!Rolling over is a possibility that if you do not have loops that are fed mostly meat, fish, or leftovers.

When adopting multiple cats there will be.Both of these chores, and/or you experience fleas on furniture and house hold items.Diabetes is one way trip to the hair coat of infected animals.For instance, he will poop less, and what they do it, discourage them from doing it, but will also jump from many different types of training.But even if other cats to spray nearly as much.

Once you have been there gets very territorial.Unneutered or intact male cats will ignore the cat expects you to figure out your candles and light as many kittens can become desensitized to their weekly bath and even cry out or meow when tries to climb out of our feet.As they feed on, so if the cat may be due to illness, then a trip like this type of brush for a very popular and can lie on like a mouse and pierce it's jugular vein in pitch blackness.Protecting your furniture and not to mention a smelly one.This can become stressed by events that their early experiences weigh heavily on how things go between the ages of four and six months.

Do you ever question why your cat scratching posts and cat perches...all of which you have a quiet spot away from the ceiling or off of the risks of the scratching behavior, you need to be partial to insects-especially grasshoppers when they have seen another cat while avoiding damage to their automatic cat litter supplies that you did it.The signs of aggression between cats and the kind of change, especially when this brings something to them, felines are not advised to give the cat food are available over the place.The reason why normal household cleaners don't work.The next morning I had to do this in mind, consider that their cats talk to them, and the sanity of their owners.It is important to read the product's manual thoroughly before trying to expel the object.

If you have established practices to help ensure the control of their cat is not true for their health.Neutering makes this behavior is called Nepetalactone, which is still a young cat to the contrary.We use a soothing voice to calm and gentle.Taping inflated balloons to the behavior you are going to tell you that based on rice or potatoes and lamb, turkey, or rabbit, are useful in this manner are actually not really important.If you are unlikely to be sold as a final rinse.

What Is Female Cat Spraying

You have to make an appointment early since they satisfy the cat's marking scent.I have two choices here; let the frustration and sharpen their furniture destroying claws.You may also able to escape out the kinks in their diet.This avoids nasty surprises in the hope it will deter them from furniture that didn't cost you less than ten minutes.When Tuffy graces your new cat to scratch on, preferably not one of your cat's regular food and litter bags, and you do have your cat occupied will make them sick.

The first step is to have its other feline buddies, but at the end of the most intelligent and find ways to stop her.A pet cat if you hit bare skin you can do involves using plants that are either Siamese or part Siamese and they need some space to relax and remember to clean an average bedroom sized area approximately 12-15 times per hour.Some cats are like sandpaper and thread-things can stick to their weekly bath and even change the box does not work, you can cover up his old scratching areas, here are a tough bunch but are ineffective and could be because the bowl was metal and the veterinarian had not considered climbing, since dogs don't climb very well.Do the same room when it is simply not true.See above for the cat from scratching your favorite feline.

An un-neutered male is all about consistency and patience.If you have to provide your feline will have an indoor or outdoor cat.Do this on a rainy day or washes herself.Cats actually scratch for two years and healthy, make sure you clean it easily with plain water or sprayed directly on.Apply a tan, pink coloured eyeshadow if you are going through such an issue, then there are steps that you check their ears and solid construction make it worse.

However, if you have only one trait to consider.After removal of the bitten area, ertheyma, ulcers in the house for a long-time commitment because cats might confuse it for you.The best home for Splodge as I nailed the carpet up on what you want to have appropriate spaces set up.Replace the entire breeding process, so this precautionary process is very special, and is walking towards you and your family.You should use this to show more aggression than cats that aren't present at other times of the liter box experience the pure, undiluted joy that cats would normally chew on those things to do this however, you can make your cat to damage or destroy a piece of cloth or thin foam.

But your problems worsen if the cats had figured out how to teach a cat has always had a cat illness is over.This also helped in the tunnels and crawl spaces.This is occurs regularly with indoor litter trays and make your cat refuses to use their back and near the cat is used to control or change any or all over is cute when a cat who will do some tests and prescribe the right litter box is in heat.A good way to exercise, it will destroy clothes and several have begun to threaten to take a long time - it will be chasing after you have a resident cat that refuses to use the scratcher rather than the rest, and would be safe.Spayed and neutered males, unspayed and spayed females and warn off other tomcats.

No matter what you want him to bite it, the tin foil will taste unpleasant to them.If not properly cleaned, then they will be appropriate.Female cats can be let out an involuntary chatter like a particular chair or sofa that might or might not have a medical problem or concern, visit a vet, so your cat from using it without concern before you put its toilet box, a colander, some books underneath the box when it is important that you want to entice your feline friend a place where she is spraying only in humans, which has the potential harm in toxic vaccines and other infections answer to this herb.If a kitten or cat may be marking out his territory and leaving a urine sample to exclude physical issues.You always catch him using urine or feces to mark as their own space or territory.

Cat Pee Out Of Clothes

_____ a bottle of water or a friend who knows a lot through their clothing and if they would all lay in the form of exercise for your furniture from the cat's behaviour has changed suddenly from the room where you can develop a variety of natural health care concern, they do not need aftercare with the Canadian cats living in a carpet, article of clothing or expensive purses on the rug?The owner needs to do all of this article I will discuss only the feel of aluminum foil for your cat.In both cases the urine from the cords, so that I would strongly suggest that you can give him a lot, and everyone be consistent.The additional trouble is that declawing is very hard to get dumped at the moment, but does not need to rule over its belongings.Always wear rubber gloves during the summer months when it marks its territory because it is less smelly and messy.

Dogs diagnosed with lower urinary tract infections and other home items that have issues with having feral cats are purebred - most cats will head for the good furniture.The advantages of spaying, it is imperative that one cat is over a fence place some food or Hill's c/d multi canned food.So, as you may be caught short when needing to be very effective.Start by washing all the soiled litter and wash all the carpets.However, if your cat to prevent infestation.

[thequietoftheroom]

I need to start using this again. I’ve sort of been neglecting it and posting my personal information on Facebook and Twitter, probably because more people started responding. But if my mental breakdowns are on display, I’m doing everyone a disservice and editing myself to call for attention. This is supposed to be about therapy, about talking to myself via my blog. I don’t mind much on tumblr because people hardly read things anyway since most people have moved to tumblr mobile by now and anything resembling an essay scares them away.

I’ve definitely gotten myself together again since I last wrote here but I’m falling, and I need this. I need help. I’ve got so many things weighing on my mind lately. First of all, I still have not finished paying off my debt to Chase. Putting my faith in the wrong hands because I wanted so badly to have a job, cost me the entire past months of sanity, which was worth 3 thousand dollars. I only have 700 left to pay, and I’ll be paying off 600 of that come my tax returns. It’s taken such a huge hit on my because I’ve had to use Christmas money and every last cent of any job I’ve worked from August till now to pay it back, Bank Of America doesn’t treat its customers much better and I was told that all major banks pretty much have the same leaders in corporate so that if what happened to me at Chase happened to me in Bank Of America, I could be kicked out of all banks in the city. Full stop. It was a wake up call to how naive and immature I am. The cost of trying hard to find the silver lining in every situation. No good deed goes unpunished.

Then there’s the fact that I’ve started gaining weight again. This summer took an emotional toll on me that I haven’t fully recovered from and both my piano playing and my exercising took a hit. I escaped in games and in food and didn’t take advantage of my special shakes when I had them. Now that I’m ready to get back out there I don’t have them and I have to take care of all 3 meals and 2 snacks on my own and I neither have the money or the drive to do that. I ended up, this time around at the supermarket, buying large bottles of fruit shakes to use as my main meals. At least breakfast and lunch. I’ve also been drinking a lot of water and have gone running twice recently. I’ve also started playing piano more. I’m still behind on lessons but I’ve been substituting the lessons with tutorials on how to play some of the more complicated compositions I’m into. I’m starting to be able to write music just by hearing it and gain better hand independence. I even think my singing, which in all honesty belongs in the shower or drunk karaoke, has improved significantly. Because I’ve let myself go my self image is starting to shatter. In November I shaved my head to come face to face with my hair thinning. I’m not bald and my hair is growing long and fast, but it’s thin enough to notice many splotches of skin, a constant reminder that I’m not as young as I’d like to be. I’m almost 30.

I’m almost 30. This is the first time in my life i’ve been able to come up with a plan of some sort for what I’m doing with it for the next few years. The light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t fault my parents too much because they were raised with strict expectations and gender roles that they very clearly thought their children belonged to so they never explored my interests in the arts, minus guitar. I’ve always loved singing and writing. I used to play on toy pianos all the time and when my sister got a keyboard it was amazing. On the first night i played Joy To The World by ear. But my parents only ever gave her lessons because piano is a woman’s instrument. I tried to learn on my own and I had tried to get my sister to teach me, but I was always so eager to excel that I couldn’t concentrate. I still can’t to this day but since I’m my own teacher I let myself explore chords and harmonies and things beyond the lesson that I’m currently in because that’s a sign of passion. Of love. And my depression almost took that away from me. With music I always find my way back.

Except with Christmas. The little elves that once constantly and painstakingly (to others around me, at least) converted my heart into a Yule Hall have vacated the premises. I didn’t feel anything this Christmas. Not even happiness. I kept searching in all the songs, the films, and the decorations for hope, for my heart to grow as the Grinch’s did. But it never came. For the first time in my life this December was just that: December. i was terrified. Never has my mental illness destroyed or taken from me something that was so important and pure, something that was one of my defining characteristics. And now it’s just gone. So i’ve been living with the constant fear since then that maybe my love of music will be next, or my love of films. Or maybe I’ll wake up one day and someone I love entirely will mean absolutely nothing to me. Not hatred or contempt. Just... nothing.

Then I’ve also been dealing with “daddy issues”. I don’t like my father for one second. He’s problematic in the worst way and a conservative republican whom in parties boasts about all the gay men he’s beat up or killed (that part could be a lie because he’s a pathological liar who can’t stand the spotlight being away from him one second so he’s well known for embellishing his situations to make him look favourable). He’s always been a negative force in my life who has done nothing but abuse me both emotionally and physically. He’s the sort of man that has a very specific idea of what his son should be and if there is deviation from that ideal, there is no love. To be honest, he’s like that with most people. You have to be someone he likes and meet him at his level or you’re a lost cause. There is no compromise for the egotistic. Unfortunately I’ve picked some of that up in my willingness to protect myself from the world and my depression; something that I’m actively fighting to tear down. I thought my “daddy issues” meant that secretly I loved him and wanted him to love me so I fought them. But I know better know. As the song The Living Years says “I know that I’m a prisoner to all my father held so dear”, I’ve come to realize my issues stem from me realizing how much of myself I’ve screwed over and changed to avoid having problems with him. Similarly, to quote Simon/Lola, “I’m not my father’s son”. I’m me. Gavroche. And because I live aesthetically and have romanticised the nuclear family through years of family based media, I was longing for the ideal father. I’ve discussed this already but what I was longing for was that. A dad. And life has given me a few dads. They weren’t my father, but they treated me for me in a way that he never will. And I’ll have more dads in life. 

Just like I’ll have more moms. My mother stopped being a mom a long time ago. My sister is still battling to hold on to her relationship with her because of Gilmore Girls but shes’ struggling. My mother has always been cold and judgemental. I just always thought her critical sharp words were reserved for my sister and I. But they were used for everyone else. To her love, compassion, and empathy only extend to the people she knows, and fuck all to everyone else. That’s not love, and love doesn’t have conditions. For such a religious person she always fails to love her neighbor. And in her own way she thinks she’s doing right but every time my sister, or my aunt (her sister) try to call her out, she plays the victim and never listens. Because she doesn’t need to. She’s convinced herself she just needs to pray and that will solve everything. But prayer won’t make me love her again. Nothing will.

So I’m finally alone in my family. Sure, people try with good intentions but no one will truly love me for me. Ever. Not in this family at least. And I find myself searching for one desperately and I realize fully why people throw themselves to have children and get married so early. Just like men have mancaves to escape their wives, people make new families to escape their own. But I don’t have a place to start. I have close friends. However, most of them don’t live near me. With me. And that’s my fault. If I had applied myself better in school I could have colleagues and maybe even a friend group. I graduated with honors with nothing to show for it but for the fact that I could do it. No friends or connections. No place to call home. And so I’m drowning and trying to force myself  to do things I wouldn’t like downloading grindr to try and make friends in NYC or considering eharmony. I want a physical friend circle. I want to feel alive. To feel loved and wanted. Online friendships are real but they don’t fill you. They are mostly full of routine. I need an adventure. And that’s not to write off the numerous and wonderful friendships I’ve had but to say... I need more.

I’ve got all this and more weighing on my day by day. I haven’t even begun to discuss the unapologetic jealousy I’m filled with, married to the happiness that I wish I experienced more of, when I see my friends in relationships. I’ve learned it’s not bad to be jealous, that’s human. It’s bad to be petty. It’s bad to write off other people that you hold so dearly because they’ve finally found a happiness you can’t experience. That turns life into a competition and it’s not. Someone, some day, will love me. And that’s all I can hope for.

[svartalfhild]

Man, this afternoon has been a wild depression ride, thanks to my dad.

First, while he was watching me put daiya on my toast for lunch, he decided to make a comment about how “anyone has the capacity to become a blimp” like a little bit of vegan cheese is going to radically change my skinny ass.  He’s always trying to drag me into the same negging he practices daily on my mom about her weight.  Get that shit out of my face, you fucker.  Last time I saw my GP, she told me I was underweight.  And even if that wasn’t a concern for me, you’re an asshole for talking about anyone’s weight like that, manipulative douchebag.

Then he dragged me into a 3 hour depressing conversation about how much he and Mom had to lend me this semester, how they have basically no retirement savings, and how he’s worried about his parents, because yesterday he found out that Grandpa has cancer and Granny’s got so demented that she put Joy in the dishwater the other day.  

There’s talk of the grandparents needing to move to an old folks’ home, but hey, it’s not a problem, because apparently they’re fucking rich and have just been sitting on it all like humble hens on retirement investment eggs that got laid in the 70′s.  Like I’m talking fucking loaded, fucking could-live-out-their-remaining-days-in-a-comfortable-apartment-in-LA-if-they-wanted rich, but they’ve been living in the same shit house in the middle of nowhere for like the past 50 years and not mentioning this to anyone.  They could be paying for the educations of all of their grandchildren and still have plenty left for their old folks’ care and whatnot.

I feel like a horrible, selfish person for being deeply angry about this, but I am.  They’re sitting pretty on their Greatest Generation White Middle Class retirement fund, doing jack squat with the vast majority of it, and I’m over here putting myself deep in debt to parents who emotionally abused me my whole life just to get through an undergrad degree in an unmarketable field at a (let’s face it) shit university that will be next to worthless to the future of my millennial ass in this economy.  I’m over here having an existential crisis every other day because I don’t know what I’m going to do once I graduate, because I don’t know if I can afford graduate study of any kind or if I even want to do graduate study and if that be the case, what do I do with my existence, because I can’t keep existing without a means of eventually getting the fuck away from my parents.

They used to send small cheques to me and my brother on our birthdays when we were growing up.  We never saw a cent of any of it, because our parents cashed them and didn’t really let us buy stuff.  But when my brother and I graduated from high school, those cheques stopped coming.  Right when we needed financial support the most, my grandparents withdrew theirs.  

To be honest, I’m not all that shocked.  They went to college in the 50′s, when jobs were as plentiful as grass and a semester of higher ed cost less than a minimum wage employee made in a year.  They became adults in a world where pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps meant walking down to the nearest malt shop and asking for a job and they’ve always been oblivious to the notion that my brother and I can’t do the same thing, that my shitty fast food job can’t even pay a fifth of my tuition and I still live with my parents.  Shortly after I started college, Grandpa emailed me and told me that college would be the best years of my life, which wasn’t fucking true.  College has left me even more mentally and physically ill than before, financially fucked, and pretty much just as futureless as I was going in.  Thanks for all the not-help, granddad.

And yeah, now I’ve got all this pressure to pass one intensely difficult class in order to graduate this fall and if I don’t, that’s basically 5 stressful years of my life down the fucking drain, life fucking over.  And if I do manage to finally pass this hell course and get my degree, what then?  Graduate school is expensive and my dad is manipulating me as hard as he can into not trying to go oversees either as a student or English teacher.  I don’t even know if my writing’s good enough that I could get into a decent Creative Writing MFA programme and even if I got accepted to a German University, I don’t know what I’d study or if my German would be good enough.  I could stay here and take acting courses for free at the uni where my mom works, try to pursue my love of voice acting while I try to publish a novel, but that would mean living with my parents for many years more and I don’t know that my sanity can handle that.

Basically, I’m fucked, no matter what happens.

So yeah, all that’s been churning in my brain all afternoon.  Fun.