#which means I need to clean first
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abbeyofcyn · 1 year ago
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I've always wanted to do one of these!
For someone who loves Donnie the most there's an awful lot of Leo...hmm.
Anyhow, I know december isn't over yet but I'd like to use this moment to just appreciate rise of the tmnt and all of you who encouraged me to keep drawing!
I'm going to work hard and improve next year! I'd like to learn animation and become better at dynamic poses and colouring~
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yuwuta · 7 months ago
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I LOVE UR BRAIN SO BAD 😭😭😭 YOU ALWAYS POST THEBBEST HEADCANONS AND THOUGHTS LIKE. WORK HUSBAND GOJO. AND JUST HAVING A WHOLE IMAGINATION OF THE OFFICE W NANAMI AND HIGURUMA AND TOJI I?????? I WANT TO LIVE IN YOUR BRAIN
TEEHEEEE you’re so sweet <33333 the work husband to actual husband to househusband gojo pipeline is so so real to me and the office au that comes with it truly does take up space in my brain, so here’s some more loosely established points 
satoru has been your work husband since you got your first job in undergrad. you two met in your dorms, and became friends, and eventually you thought a job would help with your time management skills, so you got a very low-maintenance position at the front desk of the library. satoru applied right after you and schmoozed the two little old librarians into giving him the same shifts as you. that was probably the first moment satoru knew he was a little bit in love with you—because he had no reason to have a job while in school, but this small change in your schedule made him miss you so much that he was moved to get his very first job, probably ever, just to spend more time with you. 
he wasn’t bad at his library receptionist job, but he technically wasn’t good at it, either. if a student asked him for a laptop charger or to check out a book or something, he could do that, but anything else he’d just smile and say, “oh, you’ve gotta ask the pretty girl right there about that, she knows way more than me,” and bat his eyelashes at you. except, then, when you did need to get up to grab something for someone, satoru would just spring up instead, and tell you he’s got it. it’s like… he was incapable of helping anybody else unless he got to flirt with you, and then help you out to help them out……… strange boy 
anyways, satoru makes it a habit to assist you through your student jobs throughout undergrad, and then follows you to the same law school and repeats the process there. (also not to elle woods-ify him a bit but his father heavily questions him going to law school btw because satoru has never showed any interest in working, let alone following in his footsteps to be a lawyer, and now he’s going to law school? his mom is a bit sharper though, because when satoru tells his parents he’s going to the same law school as you, she just smiles and sips her tea and wonders if her son has already made a trip to their family jeweler). 
the firm is large, but the floor you work on is a pretty close knit group. there’s hiromi’s office at the tail end, which is the largest because he’s managing partner and he practically lives in there. on the other end, both you and nanami have decently sized offices. satoru doesn’t like hiromi at first because he thinks he’s mean. then satoru watches him play a little prank on kento, and suddenly the two of them are best friends. it would be a surprisingly wholesome friendship if their common denominator wasn’t irritating kento, and acting as guard dogs for you. 
kento’s office used to be just the bare necessities—law books, his degree, basic furniture, maybe a fancy paperweight, until satoru got his hands on it and decked it out. which is not something kento asked for, nor he thinks is necessary, but that doesn’t stop satoru from continually adding little trinkets and decorations and art to his office to make it livelier. when kento first meets you, he’s surprised when you tell him satoru gojo is going to be your secretary because kento interned for satoru’s father for two summers during law school, but when kento sees you and satoru together for the first time, it answers all of his questions. satoru couldn’t be more of a lovesick fool if he tried. 
listen the ex-convict to single father to janitor to lawyer toji pipeline is so real to me. while toji is working as a janitor at the firm, satoru slips once and then jokes that toji shines the floors too aggressively on purpose to make him slip, toji tells him to fuck off and he can sue for harassment. they truly don’t like each other at first, but once satoru steals toji’s masterkey to get into your office one night after you’re gone to leave flowers, and handle some paperwork to lighten your load in the morning, toji is sort of impressed. he still almost hits him with a broomstick, but even someone as gruff as him can see that satoru had pure intentions. toji is a lot of things, but he’s not immune to or devoid of love or passion. so, eventually he and satoru develop a weird sort of banter and respect for each other. one day someone actually tries to accuse toji of not putting the wet floor sign down and how it’s gonna be a lawsuit because some lowlife janitor fucked up his $3000 suit. satoru catches the argument as he’s heading upstairs and recognized the schmuck as the stuck up lawyer on the other side of kento’s case. satoru’s ready to jump in, but toji’s displaying an impressive amount of physical restraint and legal knowledge that when the dust is all settled, satoru asks him if he ever considered being a lawyer. toji laughs at it at first, but after a month of serious consideration (and megumi becoming a college freshman), he figures it can’t be all that bad. and turns out, toji’s a half-decent lawyer—once you’ve spent so much of your life skirting (or blatantly breaking) the law, you become pretty good at getting people out or around it, too. and with his life experience, he’s a pretty good judge of character; so when it comes time to lock up the bad ones, toji makes sure they get the maximum sentence.
except he has a bad habit of sending out emails with “URGENT: NEEDS ATTN” in the subject, which prompts you, kento, and hiromi to rush to his office, just to see toji with his feet up on his desk tell you that, “the emergency is i hate the opposing counsel, and now that i work on this side of the law i’d really like to not kill him, so somebody else should take this case.” 
anyways back to work husband secretary satoru. he pulls you out of boring meetings under the guise of an urgency, just for him to admit that the emergency is that he missed you, and you two were gonna be late for your lunch reservation. because he’s actually a licensed attorney, he can actually carry out duties an associate otherwise would, which saves you a lot of time and trouble; and it means that satoru gets to work even more closely with you, which is always an upside for him. sometimes you ask him to hand you documents and instead he just hands you his hand. and then pretends to blush and preen like a schoolgirl which always draws way too much attention to the two of you, but there’s no way to stop him either. he takes your coat off of your shoulders when you arrive in the morning, and helps you put it back on in the evening. when you tell him you’re looking for an apartment closer to the firm, he has eight places lined up for viewing, and one surprise at the end which happens to be the other vacant penthouse suite in his apartment building; which, conveniently, would make you satoru’s neighbor. he claims that it’ll be just like in college, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way when you finally move in and satoru can now loudly and proudly proclaim, “see you at home!” in the halls at work now. 
#answered#that was a lot..... sorry this universe is so vivid to me#maybe i should rewatch suits..............#tho the first time you actually go on A Date with a real dude nothing work related satoru crumbles#he's so quiet at work for the entire day everyone thinks he must be sick or something#the day after your date he's sort of back to normal but something is off.... you don't bring up the date tho so he takes that a good sign#for him at least bc if u have nothing to say u must not have found him all that interesting righ t#but then you briefly mention a second date and now satoru has to get serious#and by serious i mean dig up everything there is to possibly dig up on this guy#way past public records he's calling favors as the DA's office he's calling his dad he's calling moles in the police. if this dude is gonna#be serious about you then he better be squeaky clean#except satoru 100% gets caught by kento who tells him that he needs to stop digging up dirt on ur date#which makes satoru pout and whine but whatever he'll drop it (only bc kento reminds him that if You find out ur gonna be Pissed)#then he really goes back to being himself but 10x#arm around your shoulder driving you everywhere himself introducing himself to ur date with the most smug grin on his face#it doesnt take long for this guy to get uncomfortable/ask you whats up with you and satoru and in the end satoru drives him away anyway#he might not be able to confess to you but he sure can keep everybody else away#besides theres only so many hours in the day u should focus on the important things: him and work 😇#jjk x reader#satoru x reader#lawyer au#satoru.ask
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ratmonky · 4 days ago
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have an inspection for my apartment tomorrow morning, my last day at my small ass uni apartment is today and i'll be doing my last bit of cleaning!!
i literally have nothing else in here other than my new laptop that i only do editing with so i spent last night and my morning just now writing lol
i've partially finished my dbd chapter (4k+ words atm) but it introduces another killer that the reader will be paired up with and the next segment is the michael myers' trial!! so my question is--- would you rather to have me post it now or after i've also written michael's trial? (might take a week or two to write and post michael's trial, if i post it now you'll have another chapter within the next month)
was gonna make a poll but i like to interact personally so let me know in the comments heh <3
i'll make it easy so you can copy paste your answers like this:
i waited 3+ years for michael i CANNOT wait any longer
i waited 3+ years for michael i can wait longer
#whoever is gonna live in this apartment after me is gonna be haunted with the amount of - nvm too dumb of a joke#the only thing i'm gonna miss is the way how every time i look out the window at any time during the day or night someone is awake#that's the uni student life fr...#& the way on every friday everyone would be blasting music and screaming partying... only on friday tho which is like so funnily respectful#and no noise on saturdays because everyone is just so hangover lmaoooooo#also gonna miss how every time i went out to the open air corridor to smoke cigs... there'd be someone to smoke with!!#the way i'd go out at 5am to smoke with a cup of coffee in -20 degrees and watch the woods... there'd be deers and fawns running...#my pigeons... IM GONNA MISS MY PIGEONS NOBODY WILL FEED THEM LIKE I DO#well at least my new apartment also faces the woods but no balcony or anything... i dont wanna do snus... it's just not the same#i'd rather die than to vape too tf#also i lost my cigarette case... i need to buy a new one (I KNOW THAT ONE BICTH STOLE IT BUT I CANT PROVE IT)#anywayy i guess i'll have to go into the woods and smoke cigs and share my food with some foxes or hare (i forgor their names in english)#do NOT feed them btw this is a joke#i just like watching animals and filming them#the most special moment for me was when i got to see a grävling out in my garden sniffing my flowers... just so cute#i just googled they're called badgers lmao#at first i thought it was a raccoon cuz i had woken up at like 3am to get water and it was just there!!!!#i love yapping in the tags nobody cares!!!! unless you click to expand then you do care!!!! cute!#cant wait to move into my new apartment too and decorate it. all of my stuff are there in moving boxes rn jvebfhrejvb#the first thing i moved was my figures and barbies...#barbies i've had since i was a kid they're nothing special (as in they aren't really film barbies but they're very special 2 me)#they're all so special because i loved them the most and most of my ocs are based on them which also happen to be the readers in the fics#whooops... normalize writing your ocs as the readers!!!!#i mean not entirely... i use them as a base for personality and dialogue choices but never specify anything about their appearance ofc#it's funny tho because almost all of my ocs are racially ambiguous even with their names lmao they can be anyone and everyone#bro stop yappinggggg get back to work goddamn omg yes i gotta clean... thanks bye love you
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seventh-district · 21 days ago
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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thecedarchronicle · 2 months ago
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i have had maybe one of top three worst weeks of this whole year and i got through it and i am so proud of myself :)
#like first of all: scummy landlord doing scummy landlord things#then my roommate gets ringworm and we all end up getting it#i got it all over my face which was HELL.#(right at the corner of my eye too!!)#then i find out a mouse was in my room with me for almost a week#so while dealing with ringworm i have to try and catch a mouse while im sleeping in my roommates room#then i had to make food for a thanksgiving potluck my friend was hosting#and then couldnt even go bc i was so u comfy from the ringworm :(#on top of all this!! i just got promoted at work#and i work in a restaurant. and its sports + thanksgiving season#and a promotion means a harder (but much better paying!) position#so i was working my ass off during a busy season !!#and we caught the mouse + released it#and im a massive germaphobe and i had to deep clean my WHOLE room and sanitize and clear out EVERYTHING#after already having an awful and stressful and restless week#and now. i am sitting in my bed again. in my room that smells like chemical cleaner but not mouse anymore. most of my ringworm is gone#i still have some stuff to clean and sanitize#so its not over yet#but the worst part is#and i am very proud of myself for making it through it :)#vent post#tw infection#tw mice#omg and i forgot!#my car almost broke down two weeks ago so i had to take it to a mechanic while i was dealing with all of this#and at the start of the hell week i thought it was going to die and i would have to try and find a new one#luckily it ended up fine! but it was extra stress i did not need#like all at once too#grahh
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junk-culture · 1 year ago
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👍
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lesenbyan · 4 months ago
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I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim with I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not start a project with denim when I've been awake for 19 hours. I will not-
#repetitive text;#manic posting;#i remembered in hs when i'd spend my manic nights writing somg lyrics in sharpie on my arms and legs and jeans#and then had the idea to stitch/embroider lyrics into said jeans bc i was PRETTY sure i still had them bc they were ny favorite and#idr them wearing out. but APPARENTLY not. i looked everywhere short of digging out the closet i've wanted to for a month#but that's got years worth of chewy boxes broken down amd stacked in front of it bc i am a disaster#(i mean to recycle them. that never happened. at this point i'll just put them in thw dumpster. when i get around to getting them out of#the corner and down the stairs#i took my meds at least (not the tegretol. i don't want to intentionally kill my first proper manic episode in /so/ long)#BUT i was then thinking about canabilizing old jeans to create the cut i loved about the old ones (but half what i loved was texture)#and then embroidering that#but my last manic project with denim left my fingers so fuckin bloody#bc manic me can and will not use a sewing machine and thimbles get in my way#and that was. back in 2013-2015. wish i still had that. never wore it bc course not.#i also don't have the manic project of the L (death note) inspired Lolita skirt#think theu both stayed in NC#man i left all the good shit in NC#but yeah like. to say nothing of the fact that ostensibly the roommate will be home and wanting to sleep at some point#and manic me and headphones are fucking rivals#manic me has a lot of beefs#it's almost like (and this might shock you) i'm manic!#(i promise i'm trying to go to bed at this point)#(it's bed or cleaning my room or denim project and i would like SOME sleep if i'm gonna do either)#(to say nothing of i need to do 3 expert roulettes in XIV and can you imagine that shit after literally not sleep?)#(mania will NOT save my ass from micronapping)#personal;#i'm so sorry for anyone actually reading all these posts and tags#but! if you are! welcome to my oversharing corner <3#also i am still planning on helping a friend clean and assmeble a chair tomorrow#which! mania is good for! i can clean! i love cleaning when manic! (my OCD ramps up when manic)
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area51-escapee · 2 years ago
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One of the many hills I’ll die on is my defense of the Girl Scouts if you hear the “girl” in Girl Scouts and immediately assume “well, clearly all they’re teaching them is how to bake cookies and manage a household and become a good wife and mother who stays home and cooks and cleans” then that shits on you yeah some troops aren’t going to be as good as others it all depends on the leadership and resources available but that doesn’t negate the fact that at it’s core it is there to teach young girls valuable skills and it can provide unique opportunities and a nice community for people who may need it
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my-thoughts-and-junk · 1 year ago
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my new thing is obsessing over a funny little guy for a few months before moving onto another funny little guy
#random thoughts#my ideal fnaf sunandmoon fic which i will never write because that's where i draw the line#is one in which yn doesn't think sun and moon are. sentient. at first.#and by at first i mean for a large chunk of the story#like yeah he's a robot! he's a very sophisticated piece of ai of course he's gonna be lifelike#sun and moon are designed to learn and adapt and they can SEEM very human but it's important to remember they are not alive#but they still treat sun and moon decently because? why wouldn't they?#like sun and moon are constantly learning ai. it's important to model proper behavior so they know how they and others should act#specifically among freddy's staff! if sunandmoon don't know how staff SHOULD behave then they have no frame of reference#for what behavior should be reported or how sunandmoon are SUPPOSED to act around staff for maximum efficiency#if you get mad at the robot for being damaged and they're designed to entertain#they're not gonna want to tell you next time they get damaged and you can't just rely on scans and weekly examinations#because scans miss things and some damage is too severe to wait for their next examination#in an ideal setting you WANT the animatronics to be able to communicate openly with you because THEY are a tool for their OWN repair#THEY can recognize what is damaged VERY WELL#and if it's a software issue then you need to be able to read their BEHAVIOR. body language and shit#and if sunandmoon are CONSTANTLY ON EDGE AROUND STAFF you're not gonna be able to see a base body language to go off of#also constant stress is bad for machines. like running the same commands over and over again until overheating. bad for babey#and of COURSE they're gonna help around the daycare!!! THE DAYCARE ATTENDANT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A REPLACEMENT FOR HUMAN WORKERS#the daycare attendant is a GIMMICK. a NOVELTY. a TOOL meant for the use of the human daycare attendants#a forever playmate who remembers every detail about every child under their care? who never tires and isn't affected by cleaning chemicals?#they're so USEFUL! a supplement to the human daycare attendant!#like a swiss army knife of rainy day games and orange slices#it's a horrible shame the owners of the pizzaplex got cheap and stopped hiring human daycare attendants to save on labor#because the daycare attendant works best when they have someone else's behavior to model. otherwise it gets caught in a loop#which constantly degrades and simplifies. like recording a recording over and over again until all you can hear is white noise#of COURSE something bad was gonna happen!#and sunandmoon don't really have any opinion on this besides agreeing because they ARE an animatronic.#sunpots and moonpans
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july-19th-club · 1 year ago
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i love when characters suck and are bad people like the thing about murphy is that i liked him before he was the incredible wife guy (which is also pretty great, dont get me wrong) but like. i thought he was cool when he was a horrible jackass that everyone hated . like he was interesting before he got morals; he was interesting as a guy who gets lynched in a frontier justice display of retaliation for a murder because he just seems like the kind of dude who would murder someone. and he is! just not that dead guy, specifically. whereas the actual killer is a twelve-year-old girl who the whole crew spends the episode trying to proctect from any kind of punishment, while murph runs around trying and failing to get anyone to admit out loud that the only reason there's a difference between punishing him and punishing her is because he has a bad personality . and also the murders but at that point in the show he hadn't killed anyone, he just seemed like he would
#now the OPTICS of his eventual murder of the guy that lynched him? are abysmal given that murphy is white and connor is black#BUT . that is not a murphy problem that is a showrunners' racial politics are simply completely bankrupt problem#the early-seasons flipflopping between him and finn never ceases to interest me either. his main thing is a sense of antagonistic FAIRNESS#which means that he has no problem helping during the sickness or with food production - doing objectively good things - if they need done#BUT he will also use the opportunity to kill anyone he feels has wronged him; in this case his would-be executors#also anyone who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time#but - even with all that - by the second season he's only killed two people . he's made more attempts; but they all fell through.#finn manages to keep his hands clean for nearly the whole first season and is an adamant pacifist#but grows so emotionally unstable by the second season that he shoots up an entire town full of people and then - just like charlotte -#is defended and protected by many of his crewmates in a way that#had the same event occured but with the roles swapped - murphy shooting instead - would not have happened#and these facts are not lost on murphy! even when he becomes the incredible wife guy#she's the only person who really thinks he has like. a likeable personality#everyone else is like 'well we used to hate him but then we had bigger problems. so he just lives here now. he's all right i guess'#the 100#god i just always have so much to SAY about this shit#love the 100 because it's one of those shows thats bad but NOT so bad that there isn't like a ton of really interesting stuff#to discuss and analyze and reinvent and talk about
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batsplat · 9 months ago
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cuteniaarts · 10 months ago
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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seventh-district · 24 days ago
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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jackdawsfavorite · 1 year ago
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What doesn't kill you makes you sad strange defensive and difficult to connect with
#It's my annual visit to stay with my parents which means#Two weeks of being as normal as possible around people all day while my journal entries get increasingly unhinged#Because openness fosters interpersonal closeness but I don't know how to be Open around them in a way that doesn't massively hurt for evry1#Like. How am I? I'm in near constant emotional pain because coming back here sucks. Because my memories of here since#like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But!#I will keep coming back here anyway. Because one day I won't have my parents anymore. And I don't want to regret time not spent with them.#It's a bit perverse isn't it. Being motivated by fleeing fear instead of pursuing love. But that's where I'm at.#And what are my parents meant to do with that? They can't fix it. Or me. They can't apologize in a way that would mean anything to me.#They can only suffer in guilt and helplessness. And then I'll imagine their suffering and hurt more for it.#And that's it! Fin! The only endpoint I can see. I've tried putting it on their shoulders before. It only hurts.#So I will try very hard to behave like I'm calm and okay. And in two weeks or when I snap -whichever comes first- I'll go back home#And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife.#It's not healthy to keep oneself so alone. But I am not healthy. I'm sad and strange and defensive and difficult to connect with.#And nobody but me can help me and I don't know how to be different.#Christ. I need to go back to therapy. I need a hint.#Memories
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indefinite hiatus from tumblr [where 'indefinite' does not mean 'forever', merely 'a week? two weeks? a month? who even knows at this point']
still be available for DMs for a bit at least, but I'll not be checking my notifications or dash. tag me if you want me to see something in ??? time :)
love y'all
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knifefightandchill · 1 year ago
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the office building my new doctor works out of is under renovation, so i have to have a zoom appointment.
which is fine because that's what i've been having for a couple years now with my last one.
but the thing is, i would rather have some in person appointments before them seeing the inside of my room yaknow?
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