#which makes it SO much harder to be hydrated because like. no signal

[bookwyrminspiration]

I think hydrated people are fucking lying it’s a trick there’s no way it’s possible how the fuck are people hydrated hydration is my worst enemy it’s impossible

[btsficsandsuch]

Everything’s Going to Be Okay

You’re going through a rough time and your husband Yoongi is there to be the support that you need.

Warning: Mentions of depression/anxiety, specifically postpartum depression and anxiety.

I wrote this as kind of a therapy. I mentioned that part of the reason I was starting to write again was because of my anxiety. I have a newborn at home and postpartum anxiety is no joke and I wish I had someone as supportive as this Yoongi in my life. It really does get easier though and I’m starting to feel better.

——————————————————————————

You never thought motherhood would be this hard. You expected the physical pain and the sleepless nights, but you never expected the mental toll it would take on you. Maybe struggling with anxiety long before you gave birth definitely wasn’t helping, but you noticed a significant decline in your mental health once your son was born. Your husband Yoongi noticed this as well.

Your anxiety was starting to become debilitating. Were you a good enough mom? Are you doing everything right? Were you still being a good wife? Does your son love you? What will his future look like? All these thoughts ran through your head day after day.

Yoongi tried his hardest to be there for you in any way that he could. He managed to get a few weeks off to be able to stay at home with you and your son. He kept up on all the household chores making sure the house stayed clean and organized for you. He cooked you three meals a day and made sure you stayed hydrated. He’d wake up with you at 3am when it was time to feed your son though you told him several times he didn’t have to since there wasn’t much he was able to do, but he insisted that if you had to wake up so would he even if it was just to offer moral support.

He was the perfect partner which you should’ve been so happy about, but it just made you feel guilty. You have a beautiful healthy son and a husband who’d walk to the ends of the earth for you and you still couldn’t make yourself to feel happy.

When your son was 6 weeks old it was time for Yoongi to go back to work. He was worried about you, “Y/N I can talk to them and see if I can get more time off. I don’t want to leave you yet.” The two of you were laying in bed together just after Yoongi’s alarm had gone off signaling it was time for him to go. You wrapped your arms around his waist even tighter, “No babe it’s okay. You’ve missed so much as it is. I’ll be okay. I promise.”

Deep down you were worried. You were struggling with Yoongi around so you didn’t know how you were going to manage without him here, but you didn’t want him to give up everything because you couldn’t handle it.

You were sitting on the couch holding your son when Yoongi came walking over car keys in hand. He leaned down and kissed your son, “Be a good boy for your mom alright. She’s doing her best so go easy on her.” He then turned his attention to you, “Please call me if you need anything Y/N. I already let the company know that I won’t hesitate to leave if I need to. My mom also said she’s just a phone call away if you need any thing.” You nodded as he leaned in for a kiss and you watched him walk out out the door.

The first few hours were surprisingly easy. Your son was napping and you were even able to get some stuff done around the house. Yoongi checked on you every hour, asking if you needed anything. You kept thinking how lucky you were to have someone like him. Someone that added so much extra stress to their own life just to try and ease the stress in yours. You were mid thought when the guilt set in. Yoongi was making his life harder because you were weak. He was constantly worried about you because you weren’t able to cope. He couldn’t fully enjoy the first few weeks of his sons life because he had to constantly dote on you because you couldn’t get this right.

You could feel the panic attack starting. It was getting difficult to breathe. Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest. Your body was beginning to sweat. Luckily your son was still sound asleep in his crib. You decided to try and get your mind off of things. You put a load of laundry in the dryer and decided to start on dinner. You were chopping some vegetables trying your best to get this attack to pass when you heard your son start crying through the baby monitor.

You walked to his nursery and brought him with you over to the rocking chair. You began to feed him staring into his tiny eyes. “I’m so sorry Y/S/N. I’m sorry I’m not a good mom. I’m really trying. I promise I’ll get better. But even if I don’t you have the best daddy in the world and he’ll always be there for you when I can’t.” He finished his feed and you changed his diaper and set him back in the crib.

While staring at his perfect little face it hit you in full force. Tears streaming down your face you walked into the hallway and slid down onto the floor. You pulled your knees to your chest finally letting out the sobs you had been holding in. Worried that you wouldn’t be able to take care of your son properly you made the phone call you never thought you’d make.

Yoongi picked up on the second ring, “Y/N are you okay?” You couldn’t say anything. “Y/N tell me what’s wrong.”, he said the concern evident in his voice. “I’m sorry.”, was all you could say between sobs. “Stay right there Y/N. I’m already in my car and I’m on the way.”

You didn’t know what to do. Normally you’d go for a walk or take a hot shower to calm your anxiety, but you knew you needed to be close for your son in case he needed you. You sat outside his nursery and cried. Just when you thought you had run out of tears Yoongi walked through the door. He came right over and crouched down helping you to your feet, “I’m just going to check on Y/S/N real quick okay. Stay right here.” You nodded and watched him walk into the nursery. Yoongi smiled looking down at his baby boy, peacefully sleeping.

Yoongi walked back out and took your hand leading you to the bathroom. He turned on the shower to the temperature he knew you liked. He helped you take off your clothes and undo your hair from the bun it had been in for the last week, “I’ll keep an eye on Y/S/N. Take your time and come out when you’re ready.” You nodded and stepped into the steamy shower. The water hot enough to calm the ache in your chest, but just below the point of burning you. Once again Yoongi was there for you and knew how to help you and all you did was force him to come home early and take care of you.

You spent a while in the shower trying to wash away all the anxiety and guilt and depression. When you got out of the shower you noticed Yoongi had placed your favorite sweats and one of his T-shirts on the counter for you.

When you walked into the bedroom Yoongi was sitting on the bed. He grabbed your hand and pulled you to sit next to him. You tried to pull away, “I need to go feed Y/S/N.” Yoongi shook his head, “I fed him with one of the emergency bottles. He’s sleeping comfortably.” “Well I need to go finish dinner so you have something to eat.”, you said trying to avoid the conversation you knew was about to take place. He shook his head again, “I already ordered some takeout.”

You nodded and the two of you sat in silence for a few minutes until Yoongi began, “Y/N I’m sorry.” You couldn’t hold the tears any longer. You buried your face in his neck wrapping your arms around him, “No I’m sorry Yoongi. I’m the worst wife and mother. I should be happy but I’m not. And all I do is make you worry about me. You have to stop your life to take care of me. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away.”

You cried into his shoulder for several minutes while he slowly rubbed your back. Once he felt like you had calmed down some he lifted your chin so that you were looking at him, “Y/N it’s normal to feel these things. You’ve been through so much over the last couple months. Hell even the nine months before that. You are the best mom. Y/S/N is always fed and changed and loved. Even today when you had a breakdown you still made sure he was taken care of and the first thing you thought of when you got out of the shower was making sure he was okay. And you’ve always been and still are the best wife I could’ve ever asked for. Even in your distressed state you’re worried about making sure I have dinner to eat. You gave me the best gift ever of a child and now it’s my turn to be there for you and give you everything that I can by being whatever you need. We’ll take it day by day. I know things are tough right now, but everything will be okay.”

You could feel the tears start again, a mix of sad tears and happy tears. “How did I get so lucky?”, you said before kissing his cheek. Yoongi smiled, “Have you looked in the mirror lately? I think I’m the lucky one.” You gave him another kiss before getting up to leave the room.

You grabbed your son and brought him out to the living room with you. Yoongi sat on the couch next to you feeding you bites of your dinner while you fed your son. Yoongi’s words repeated in your head. You were going through a rough time, but you had your beautiful son to watch grow up and you had the best support system in Yoongi. You knew he’d never let you fall and just like he’s said, Everything’s going to be okay.

[protege-not-protagonist]

Finally getting around to mailing this letter

Dear Reid,

As you are a guy who never or rarely sleeps, I would love to know your morning routine. Do you have one or just accept the fate that it’s morning and carry on?

- <3 a concerned “normal” fan

Hello dear Bridgeoverstrawberryfields,

Firstly, I am delighted to have a "Normal" fan. Usually I am a firm believer in the notion that no one is normal, but I understand that you are saying it with the intention of distinguishing yourself from "fans" I've had in the past. The declaration is much appreaciated. Especially considering that you are asking about my routine. Which, as you probably know, being a fan of mine: showing interest in another person's routine can be associated with stalking. But you seem genuinely interested and concerned for my well being, so I will reassure you that I am doing well.

You seem concerned that I am not getting enough sleep and I can understand why you may think that. As you may know, my sleep is heavily affected when I experience high levels of stress and emotional distress. Even on a good day I would never call myself a morning person, but the type of insomnia I experience (Acute Maintenance Insomnia, if you like specifics,) means I don't find much relief in staying asleep longer. Sometimes I'd rather face the day.

But I am happy to report I do experience that less of late. It is actually rare that I don't sleep. I prioritise it, because of my predispositions to certain neurological conditions. Repeat lack of sleep puts me at a higher risk of developing these. But also sleep is essential for brain function, and I in particular, need my brain to be at its best. Believe it or not, studies have shown it is actually just as bad to drive drunk as it is to drive tired. Not that you should do either. I am just using that to support my point, that it is important to me. I am dedicated to my sleep hygiene and I try my best to get the recommend 8 to 7 hours. But this was not always the case.

Also to add to that, I really prefer to stick to routines. I actually admire people who can just be spontaneous with their mornings and can adapt to each day as it comes. But for me, trying to keep things consistent feels more comfortable. With my job back at the BAU sometimes I couldn't stick to my routine, or now, sometimes I just have off days. These are days that as you so eloquently put, I have to accept fate that's is morning and carry on, incorporating as many elements of my ideal morning routine as I can.

So without further preamble, here is my 'ideal' Morning routine:

Wake up before 7 am, preferably (more like rarely,) at 6:00 am, but I will admit this is harder to do in winter.

Light stretch, this has been proven to help wake up the body, but also help the brain to forget any bad dreams had during the night by engaging it in movement rather than retention and filing of memory

I like to get changed into clothes before breakfast. Again, the change of clothes further helps the brain by signalling that sleep is over because the sleep clothes are off and the day wear clothes are on. Also this is when I put on my socks. I choose them randomly. I think of my socks draw as a daily lucky dip.

I brew my coffee. I did go through a stage of trying to limit my caffeine intake and drink herbal teas, but benefits of not having caffeine were outweighed by the discomfort and utter misery not having a morning cup. And actually there's plenty of benefits to having 1 or 2 cups a day. Sometimes I do have tea, but only if Garcia makes it. I don't know, what she does that I don't, but I can certainly taste it.

I make a light breakfast, this is usually toast or a plain cereal. I'm not much of a breakfast person unless I am eating out with friends, ( I will have pancakes if that's the case.)

I also grab a glass of water to have along with my breakfast and coffee. This keeps me hydrated (because I forget to drink water, a lot.) and helps me take my vitamins as well.

I take supplements proven to be beneficial to people like me. I take magnesium, vitamin B12, vitamin D3, Omega 3, Vitamin C, Echenasia and probiotics (which I know I could get naturally but I hate the mouth feel of yoghurt )

With my coffee, breakfast, water and supplements, I will sit at the table and eat while reading about 4 physical newspapers and then I try to complete the crosswords. People think I'm good at them, but I'm actually not too proficient at it. Although I most likely know the answers in my vocabulary, it takes me a while to get my head around the wording of the clues, they are often quite vague, so I like the challenge.

Afterwards, I wash up and then go back to my room and make my bed then brush my teeth. I use this time as a sort of quiet reflection and run though what I've got to do that day. This is also when I look in the mirror and decide whether or not I should attempt to style my hair. These days I am usually happy how it is.

Before I leave for the day, I do last minute errands like check my fridge and shopping list, if it is an even day, I will water my plants that Garcia gifted me. If it is the end of the week, I will check that the automatic feeder for my fish tank is full so my tetras won't be left to starve if I get called away suddenly.

So there you go, very mundane. But I find being able to do this provides me with a sense of order and domesticity to my life that I didn't always get to enjoy.

-Sincerely yours, Dr Reid

Taglist: @bridgeoverstrawberryfields @cultish-corner @pleasantwitchgarden

Sorry for that being super long but if we are honest Spencer would absolutely write a response this long. As I was writing, he just kept wanting to say more. I let him cook.

[waterfiltergurus]

Is Drinking Cold Water Bad For You?

As we know, water is essential for survival and it is important to maintain adequate hydration for overall health and well-being. Even though there's no debate about the importance of drinking enough water, there is some controversy on what temperature water is best for drinking. Some believe that drinking cold water is bad for you. In this article, we are going to explore the myths and facts surrounding this topic to provide you with a better understanding of how cold water affects your body. 📌 Key Takeaways - Drinking cold water doesn't cause digestive issues or slow down your metabolism - Drinking cold water may help some meet their hydration needs since it is more refreshing. - It doesn't matter what temperature water you drink - what matters is that you're drinking enough water! 📝 Myths of Drinking Cold Water Debunked Myth 1: Cold Water Causes Digestive Issues One common belief particularly in Ayurvedic medicine practices is that drinking cold water can lead to digestive problems, such as cramps and bloating. The belief is that drinking cold water leads to the constriction of blood vessels, impairing your body's ability to digest your food. However, this is largely a misconception. In reality, cold water is unlikely to cause any significant digestive issues in most people. Your body is equipped to regulate the temperature of ingested liquids, so they reach your stomach at a temperature close to your body's core. While drinking ice cold water may temporarily slow down the digestive process slightly, it's unlikely to cause any lasting discomfort or harm. If you do experience digestive problems after drinking cold water, it's more likely due to other factors such as drinking too much water too fast, overeating or eating too quickly. Myth 2: Cold Water Slows Down Metabolism Another myth suggests that drinking cold water slows down your metabolism, making it harder to burn calories and potentially contributing to weight gain. However, the impact of cold water on metabolism is minimal at best. Any calorie-burning differences between drinking cold and room temperature water are negligible and not significant enough to affect your weight. In fact, drinking cold water may have a small temporary effect on boosting metabolism because your body expends energy to warm the water to its core temperature. It is important to recognize that this effect is minimal (your body only burns about 8 calories to warm up a cold glass of water). This effect is minor and shouldn't be relied upon as a weight loss strategy. ✅ Drinking Cold Water: The Facts Fact 1: Cold Water May Help You Stay Hydrated One advantage of drinking cold water is that it can be more refreshing and may encourage you to drink more water throughout the day. Staying properly hydrated is crucial for various bodily functions, including regulating body temperature, aiding digestion, and lubricating your joints. If you find cold water more appealing, it can be a helpful tool to help you meet your daily hydration goals. Fact 2: Drinking Water (Regardless of Temperature) Can Help You Lose Weight We know that when we drink water (regardless of the temperature) this may reduce overall calorie intake and help promote weight loss. This could be because of a few different reasons. One reason is that when we are dehydrated our body's signal to our brain that we need water but sometimes our brain interprets that as hunger, resulting in overeating. In fact, studies show that nearly 37% of people may mistake thirst for hunger and end up eating when they should be hydrating! When you stay adequately hydrated it can prevent overeating. Not only that, but if you are replacing high calorie or sugar sweetened beverages with water (which is a zero calorie beverage) this can help reduce overall calorie intake, potentially leading to weight loss. Fact 3: Consider Personal Preferences and Sensitivity While cold water is generally safe for most people, individual preferences and sensitivities should be considered. For example, some people may not like drinking ice water because of teeth sensitivity. In such cases, switching to room temperature water might be more comfortable. Another example would be if your stomach is already upset then drinking warm water or hot tea may be comforting and a great way to stay hydrated when not feeling well. 📑 Conclusion In summary, drinking cold water is not inherently bad for you and does not lead to major health concerns. While there are some myths and misconceptions surrounding this topic, the facts indicate that cold water is safe to consume. In fact, it can be a refreshing way to stay hydrated throughout the day. However, personal preferences and sensitivities should always be taken into account. If you find that you don't tolerate drinking cold water there's no harm in opting for water at a more comfortable temperature. At the end of the day, the key is to prioritize staying hydrated, regardless of whether you prefer your water cold or at room temperature. More content: - Finding the Right Amount of Water to Drink Each Day - A Nutritionist's Advice on Fasting and Hydration - Understanding the Risks of Overhydration ❔ Frequently Asked Questions Is Cold Water Good For You to Drink? Yes, drinking cold water or any water (regardless of temperature) is good for you to drink! The most important aspect to hydration is making sure you are actually doing it! It doesn't matter whether you reach your daily hydration goal through drinking room temperature water, cold water or hot water. Is it Better to Drink Cold or Room Temp Water? If you have any teeth sensitivities then it may be more comfortable for you to drink room temperature water instead of cold water. However, if you don't have any sensitivities any temperature water does the trick as long as you're drinking enough daily! What is the Healthiest Temperature to Drink Water? It's not a matter of warm or hot water or ice cold water. The temperature doesn't matter - the most important thing is that you are staying hydrated from day to day and getting at least 8-12 cups of water daily. Read the full article

[weirdmageddon]

ok i think i had one of the worst days of my life today. im just gonna go over everything that happened so just be prepared for some nastiness. i felt like this all day:

so i woke up feeling weird like something was “off”. it weirdly difficult to wake up and get out of bed, i felt bloated, i had an abnormal gag reflex while taking my pills. then when i got on the toilet……well idk how to put this delicately but i had a watery shitsplosion. and i was like. well ok. maybe it was just once. so i told my mom and got dressed and was just about to walk to class but i felt hot water in my colon about to be dispensed so i went right the fuck back to my dorm’s toilet. guess i was dead wrong. and dead wrong i would be. because holy shit this is only the beginning.

i sent an ask to the teaching assisant before my class saying “hey you got a zoom link i cant come in person i’m in the bathroom fighting for my life”. i would be fighting for my life in there the majority of the day.

so this is not good, i’m having a category 5 tummy event. i’m losing water quickly. i need to get hydrated.

so i rush myself to the student rec center because i know they have powerade zero in one of the vending machines. i swiped my card. “bad swipe. please try again.” i tried swiping it again twice more, both saying i had a bad swipe. i took out some physical cash and tried putting it in but the vending machine wouldn’t take it. it was broken. great.

lunch was being served at the time so from the cafeteria i got 3 bananas unfortunately all unripe, one toasted unbuttered bagel, and a handful of saltines. halfway through that i was back in the bathroom shitting my brains out. so i’m like, okay. i was talking to my mom the entire time during this btw. she is telling me i need to go to CVS for imodium. see the fucking issue with that is my asshole is leaking frothy bowel fluid unpredictably and there is absolutely nobody that can help me.

i told my RA the vending machines were broken and she told me the boar’s head sandwich shop in the cafeteria opens up at 1 and they have powerade there. so after 1 i went there, tummy very much upset and i’m just desperately clenching my cheeks like a drawbridge. they had no zero sugar powerade, just regular. i bought the powerade anyway. i’ve been trying to lose the freshman pounds i’ve been putting on and this would make that so much harder but i need the electrolytes. so i left with my powerade and as soon as i opened the door my stomach made the worst noise. like you know jerma worst noise? tummy worst noise 2022. and i swear humans can really learn quickly what signals mean because in every single one of these cases, that specific gurgling i got is a surefire signal to GET MY ASS A TOILET AS FAST AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

anyway i told this to my mom. so she says i may have covid because theres some gut-related problems being recorded with the new omicron variant. but the more likely scenario is that i have a norovirus that’s causing me gastroenteritis.

my mom says to call the wellness center and i’m like really losing my mind at this point because 1. theyre not on campus. theyre on another campus. 2. what the fuck are they gonna do over the phone??? i call them anyway and i’m like starting to cry now.

there was a rapid covid testing site set up outside of boar’s head literally MINUTES before but after 2pm they took it down. i was like, full on crying now. i am absolutely in hell. long story short i called that wellness center they signed me up for their patient portal and scheduled me for a PCR and rapid covid test tomorrow which i’ll be doing. but i was like boiling with frustration at this point. none of this is solving my current fucking issue. how fucking hard is it to get someone to go to CVS and get imodium for me so i can stop the onslaught of diarrhea i am current facing.

also at this point i had to reach into the emergency stock toilet paper because we ran out. and it was hurting my asshole so bad. after this i decided that since nobody was going to help me i had to bite the onions and risk shit dripping down my pants and go to CVS myself. i bought the imodium, some pepto bismol, and a gatorade zero after waiting on line between a stupid asshole in front of me taking forever to pay and a screaming child behind me whose mother just let him carry on. i tried to get the fuck out of there. but my card didnt go through so i had to step back in and try it again. then i got the fuck out of there. and as soon as i was leaving and at the red light my stomach did the Bad Churn and i was like. fuck no. no no. but i managed to suck it back up into my colon through sheer force of mental will and gluteus muscle power.

after yelling in the car at slow drivers on the road (nearly in tears…again), i found that someone took my parking space closer to my dorm room—course—so i had to powerwalk. when i got back i went straight for the bathroom for the i dont fuckin knowth time.

my ass felt like hellfire now. like someone stuck a sour warhead candy in my asshole and it eroded the membrane. and honestly considering that diarrhea is acidic that’s basically what happened at the chemical level. couldnt find any flushable wipes at CVS so all i have is this thin, coarse toilet paper. i was in HELL. and yet it still somehow managed to get worse.

anyway at least i have my imodium. i’m told to take one after every loose stool. i brought my gatorade and the medication into the bathroom for just that. the thing is the little silver sheets they come in are IMPOSSIBLE to fucking open. i managed to tear it with my bare teeth using an unnecessary amount of force to open them.

after two imodium, i noticed my bowels started to behave. i could actually exit the bathroom and feel at peace. so i went to lay down in bed and i began writing my professors a letter saying i’m sorry for two setbacks in a row (the first was the medication notification i sent them yesterday that my meds i need to stay awake and focus still haven’t been refilled. they are now though.)

i was just so upset because i was planning on actually doing work today because i FINALLY got my meds refilled, especially a lot of work for one of my big projects, but then i was hit with this. and i was trying to find a way to write a message to my professors, especially the one for that assignment where the due dates are firm unless there’s “documented exceptional circumstances” that this isn’t a joke to get out of doing work and and this legitimately immediately proceeded my medication notice even though i dont have a doctors note for it. but i sent it and thankfully i got an understanding response from that professor.

i was fine for about an hour. i was feeling really tired, my eyelids were heavy, still feeling terrible and bloated, and headache from crying. my stomach started to feel unsettled more than usual (in terms of today’s usual), so i took a pepto. i felt like complete shit. i still needed to do laundry, i still need to take a shower. everything at once was collapsing on me and i didnt have anyone to help me. my heart started to beat more aggressively, and that is never ever a good sign for me. in the back of my mind i knew what the fuck that was signaling but i dismissed it.

my mom told me to do my laundry tomorrow and that i should just get into a shower today. so i was preparing to get into the shower. i put on my shower flip-flops in but standing up gave me the runs so i ran in with my flip-flops on on.

and when i sat down i felt really, really sick. i couldn’t dismiss the way my heart was beating now, so knowing what that meant, i asked my mom, “what if i need to puke”. and she said “you will puke honey”

and what happened next was genuinely one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

i was suddenly spewing gastric liquid from both ends. i threw the fuck up all over myself and on the bathroom floor and i ran up without having wiped to the sink and threw up in there. and i swear i like i couldnt even think. my brain’s cortex literally just collapsed in this moment. my mind went blank. i had no idea where i was or what i was doing. i couldnt fucking think, i could not fucking see, my ears were all ringing and shit. i went back to the toilet as best i could and then started to process it. and i felt like i was going to fucking die in there with no one to hear me or help me. i literally couldn’t see anything for such a prolonged time. my vision was just white and spotty and i was dizzy and breathing heavy. i was staring at the ceiling just trying to process what the fuck just happened, the mess i now have to deal with, and the implications for it made me feel like i was in a dream and i was having a nightmare. i was just literally on the toilet sopping wet from cold sweat and vomit, the majority of which was pooled in my underwear and pants, behind multiple doors that require keys to access, away from home, with none of my roommates around (my pants are pulled down which would be humiliating if they were around anyway). and given that this is some kind of virus it’s highly contagious. so i just sat there and thought nobody was going to help me, i might fucking die if not from dehydration then from brain damage because it’s been a minute and my vision still isn’t back to normal, and ive never felt so fucking helpless in my entire life.

i tried my hardest texting my mom but i couldnt fucking see what i was typing.

the symptoms were like the kind where you stand up fast except way more intense. this lasted for a solid two minutes (according to the timestamps on the messages i sent my mom)

after this my mom called me and she guided me through what i should do but just Having someone there made all the difference.

despite all this, i went into the shower and washed all the undigested green beans and peanuts from YESTERDAY (so apparently my stomach was having issues yesterday if these were undigested) out of my clothes and flushed them down the toilet, i sanitized the bathroom from head to toe with lysol wipes, took a shower for myself as i was intending to anyway but kept having anxiety waves that made me feel like i was gonna throw up again but i didn’t. miserable hell. at this point standing up made me queasy but i went back to my room and slowly opened two new garbage bags, one for my wet clothes and the other for if i had to puke again. i got up and took my smelly wet clothes hanging in the shower and stuffed them in the bag but had to take a breather. then i took the bag from inside the wastebasket, tied it up, and put in the new garbage bag and put it next to my bed if i had to puke again. then i climbed into bed in my velcro towel and headwrap and my mom stayed on with me until i was feeling better and she had to shower. been sipping my fluids to rehydrate. i laid in bed until i felt well enough to change into some pajamas. though i really wished i had someone who couldve … idk at least actively aided me though? idk why it’s always me bending over backwards for myself when im in fucking hell right now.

and here i am now writing this post. lol sorry needed to vent

[rainpudding]

note; m will be in my next post, someone else already requested it >3

tw; depression,suicide and ed mentioned,alcohol dying and etc..

KAEYA | ANGST ALPHABET

catcall die kidnapped time

Kidnapped (you’re kidnapped)

Most people would say Kaeya would develop a strong alcohol addiction to forget that his lover went missing however I have to strongly disagree.

When Kaeya gets home and he can't find you anywhere he won't think much of it. Maybe you went to visit your family and forgot to tell him, or you're having a sleepover with a friend. On the outside, he seems calm as for the next three days he goes to work acting as nothing happened. But on the inside he is panicking, he gets his work done as soon as possible as he gets home just to sit down on a chair staring at the door. He Is waiting for the door to open and you to appear. He is sitting there for hours and hours.

After a week of you not appearing he blames himself for not reaching for help sooner as it may be too late to found you. He calls knight of favounius and citizens of mondstat goes in groups looking for you. Traveler makes missing posters trying to help at least a little bit.

Kaeya wants to forget you but he slowly loses interest in alcohol, it feels like it lost Its taste.

His public calm image is slowly breaking as his mind is filled with dark imaginations. He slowly forgets to eat meals or to keep himself hydrated.

Apart from Childe who gets obsessive filled with hope, Kaeya gets depressive knowing that there is no possibility you can be okay.

Jean first notices Kaeya's depression when she sees him standing in the middle of the hall. His eyepatch is missing his messy hair covering his eye. He wears only his white shirt as he is visibly confused.

The dehydration and sleep deprivation have a bad impact on him. Jean knows something is wrong and sends him home in order to take a break. Which does not help since Kaeya should have human interaction and get meds not be home.

Diluc gets worried as he makes meals for him carrying them to his house. The house is a mess as Kaeya is unable to clean which results in Dikuc quickly putting Kaeya's mess into the bin trying to clean up at least a little bit.

Kaeya, on the other hand, doesn't want to go to sleep but once he is asleep he doesn't want to wake up. He can't get out of his bed. Becoming more disoriented and slowly forgetting why he is sad in the first place.

He doesn't remember your face anymore, nor your name. He doesn't remember you at all.

And one morning when Diluc opens door to Kaeya's room holding breakfast to his surprise he finds Kaeya in his bed. Melatonin pills everywhere as he slowly realizes Kaeya overdosed himself.

But let's imagine you were found and you came home just before Kaeya got depressed.

You open the door with a crack quickly closing it as you finally feel safe. You were missing for almost three months yet since day one you were dreaming of the moment when you will be able to hug Kaeya again.

You look around finding your shared house slightly messy. The bin is filled with old food. The boxes on tables are also filled with untouched food. You wander around softly smiling at the pictures and decorations.

You pinch yourself just to be sure this is not one of the fantasies you always dreamed about. Opening one of the doors you walk in just to see Kaeya peacefully sleeping in pillows and blankets. His hair messy and his eyepatch still on.

You don't want to wake him up yet you're too excited to wait. You run to him as you hug him tightly. Sweet tears rolling down your cheeks as you sniffle Kaeya's scent.

Kaeya tries to push you away murmuring from his sleep before sleepily opening his eyes. They are dark as the ocean as the sparkles died down. His smirk wasn't decorating his face anymore. Instead, he sighed rubbing his eyes.

You would stroke his cheeks as you hold his chin softly. You're saying reassuring words while smiling with glossy eyes. He finally realizes that you're real. Grabbing your hands to squeeze them and peppering your face with many kisses.

And after a whole hour of hugging each other and you telling him about your kidnapper he decides to go to knights of favounius so they can throw your kidnapper into jail.

However, as he stands up you suddenly stop him as you look at his body. You can see how skinny he got, how his bones are seen, and how his skin is pale. Not to mention the blue hair on the pillow signalizing hair loss.

And you realize that he barely ate. That's why there were boxes with untouched food.

"Later, I'm hungry can we go for lunch first?" You smile brushing your thumb against Kaeya's hand as he nods.

- it would take some time for Kaeya to start taking care of himself again. But when you're with him he is willing to try.

- He will take a break to spend time with you as you cook together and clean the house later even going for a walk.

- eventually, give him few months and he will be healthy again.

Catcall (you’re catcalled and he’s with you)

Same as Diluc, Kaeya is well known and has a reputation. There is no way someone would catcall you on purpose. Yet let's imagine some drunk group catcalling you in front of your boyfriend.

This would go based on how bold they are.

1; if they will call you baby or any pet name maybe hinting something romantic. Kaeya will just chuckle as he is listening to them. He wouldn't get angry as he thinks it's funny how they try to flirt with you. "You should watch what you say, honorary citizens," he smiles as he is supporting his chin.

2; they would get more inappropriate or even try to touch you. This would make Kaeya slightly alerted. When they say something inappropriate he just slowly moves you next to you or into his lap. Or he has a hand around your waist. They will notice him and leave you alone. Yet if they continue even touching you he would be pissed. He doesn't want to make a scene yet he has to make a move. He stood up taking his sword pointing it at the drunk person's chest. He is glaring at that person as the person shivers apologizing. Kaeya's gaze is terrifying. But as soon as the person apologizes he hides his sword sitting next to you again.

The person will probably never come to the tavern again.

Time (you’re ill and only have a few months to live)

Kaeya started noticing that the last few days you didn't felt very well. And the symptoms you were experiencing were quite unique. Pale skin and black bags under the eyes because of insomnia. Hairloss and muscle pain. You not being hungry and constant vomiting. Scars and bruises randomly appearing on your skin.

His eyebrows were scrunched as he had a sad expression on his face. Yet every time you greeted him he quickly smiled and giggled pulling you into a hug and giving you lots of affection. You knew something wasn't right with you too, but you tough maybe it was an allergy or just some mental illness that could go away with few herbs.

Eventually, after the symptoms continuing Kaeya decided to visit Albedo. This resulted in you spending the whole weekend at Albedo's place. He took your blood and saliva, checking your bones and trying to massage the muscles. Taking detailed notes very carefully.

And when the tests were done and you got to know you're slowly dying as your organs are slowly collapsing, you couldn't do anything but blankly stare onto the wall. You felt hopeless. You knew you had few days to live before dying a painful death yet you weren't ready. All your dreams and goals were left in the dust.

Kaeya on the other hand couldn't believe it. He was following Albedo around asking him if It's true and how can he help you. He pinched himself several times, trying to get out of this nightmare. Kaeya grew desperate as he begged Albedo on his knees to make medication. Albedo would of course love to help but he didn't know how so he would dismiss Kaeya over and over.

Kaeya's wasn't mentally well. He would be obsessed with finding some medication. Contacting Baizhu from Lyuie. Spending all his money on different doctors and different people. He didn't even realize that at this time he should pay attention to you and go on dates with you. Instead, he was away in different nations looking for herbs and scientists.

Die (their reaction when you die/your reaction when they die)

And once Kaeya finally arrives home full of despair as he got few herbs but no medication he slowly walks around the room. But before he can hug you and reassure you and spend time with you he finds you on the floor. You were just taking few painkillers writing a diary entry as you collapsed eventually your organs giving in.

He would sit down in panic his eyes glossy as his breathing is slow. "Breathe, common please breathe, to the archons. Lord barbatos y/n breathe," he repeats himself over and over as tears roll down his cheeks. His hands shaking as he cheks your heartbeat.

Your body so cold and your eyes blank. Without a pinch of life. And that's when he breaks down.

Completely sobbing at your dead body. Brushing his hands over your skin as he peppers your face with kisses. "I'm sorry I didn't try harder, I'm useless, I'm a burden. I can't do anything right," he kisses you. But nothing.

You didn't wake up.

He kisses you again expecting you to wake up. In movies, they always wake up.

But this is not a movie.

This is a painful reality.

[wheelbody]

creatine monohydrate pills vs powder

In this blog post, I am going to discuss the most debated topic, and the topic is creatine monohydrate pills vs powder.

Are you considering adding creatine pills to your supplement regime? Do you already see benefits from taking them, but are considering the powder form because it may be more effective?

It can be hard to know which creatine supplement to use since there are different types.

But once you know how to choose the right one for your needs, creatine can promote a lot of muscle gains and boost your strength.

Creatine is a popular diet supplement. It helps athletes go the extra mile and weightlifters lift to greater heights.

But how do you take creatine? We’ll tell you everything you need to know about taking creatine so that you get exactly what you want.

It increases your strength and allows you to push harder, which makes it a popular performance-enhancing supplement among athletes.

But how much how do you take creatine to affect the results? And with so many different forms of the supplement on the market, which form is best for you?

When creatine first entered the market as a supplement for muscle growth, people were unsure whether it was better to use it in its powder or capsule form.

Our team examined each option and found that there are some differences between creatine monohydrate pills vs powder.

before proceeding ahead let’s get knowledge about what creatine is.

You should read my article green leaf purple stem vegetable.

What Is Creatine?

Creatine is found in many foods and can also be made by the body. Creatine is an amino acid that provides energy to the cells.

Creatine is a naturally occurring molecule, and ingesting it through food sources can also increase your intake.

It’s composed of three amino acids: glycine, arginine, and methionine. It’s thought of as a backup source of energy (instead of something that will give you instant gains).

Creatine increases the speed at which our body produces Adenosine Tri-Phosphate (ATP). ATP is depleted all the more easily during vigorous exercise.

Creatine supplementation can increase your ability to store more ATP, freeing up more energy in your muscles. Our muscle protein stores creatine as phosphocreatine.

Creatine increases your body’s stores of phosphocreatine, which has a dual role in aiding muscle contraction and resynthesis.

It is not an energy source like caffeine or high-glycemic carbs, but the increased stockpiles mean you can push yourself that much harder to even better gains.

So you’ve researched this wonder supplement, yet you’re uncertain whether it comes in powder form or pill form; both options have their pros and cons.

Let’s Talk About The Benefits Of Creatine.

The benefits of creatine include increased muscle size, weight and strength. As a result, this provides muscle growth and improvements in sports performance.

Helping Us To Work Harder:

Creatine helps you train harder and recover faster which means you can grow more muscle and have better results. Creatine also increases anabolic responses – it raises your levels of hormones like IGF-1 which allow you to build muscle faster and easier than without it.

Promotes Growth:

so that satellite cells send the hypertrophy signals that stimulate muscle repair and growth after training.

Helps In Reducing Inhibitor Levels:

Creatine supplements can help increase the size of muscle cells. The lack of myostatin in cells allows them to surge and grow larger.

Reduces Protein Breakdown:

Creatine has been shown to reduce protein breakdown in skeletal muscle. This means that your body will be able to recover from exercise more quickly and build muscle more effectively.

Creatine also provides energy for your muscles, which can help you push yourself harder during your workouts.

It Aids Hydration:

Creatine is a substance that helps the body to retain water. This is important because it helps to keep the muscles hydrated, which prevents cramping and fatigue. Creatine is found in many sports drinks, and it is also available as a supplement.

[cuddlepilefics]

Sick at Work

Fandom: Stray Kids

Sickie: Changbin

Caregivers: 2basco

Prompt @sicktember

No one's POV.:

Changbin had caught a small cold a few days ago. It wasn't really that much of a bother to him, mostly just a slightly runny nose along with a faint scratchiness in his throat. He had made sure to take hot showers every day and to stay hydrated. However, as days passed, the rapper couldn't help but feel progressively worse. When he woke up this morning, his head felt heavy with congestion and his hearing was starting to sound muffled. His head was aching from the pressure but he forced himself out of bed to join his group for their schedule. As he was slowly becoming more awake, he noticed the irritated itch in his nose that became harder to ignore by the minute. Feeling a bit chilled, Changbin decided to put on one of his thickest hoodies. Right when he pulled it over his head, the tickle in his nose became unbearable. Unable to see with clothing covering his face, he pitched forwards, sneezing. Bumping his had on the door of his closet in the process, Changbin barely managed to suppress a curse before heading to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Getting ready, Changbin's morning routine was frequently interrupted by his urge to sneeze. He had barely been awake for half an hour, yet he had already sneezed more than he had done in the past few days. Simply running his sleeve under his nose was enough to set him off again and the rapper was starting to dread going to work today. He didn't feel sick enough to stay at the dorm but he was so annoyingly sneezy, which would be really bothering, considering that 3racha wanted to work on some stuff in the studio and recording was certainly not going to go smoothly with him sneezing every few seconds. When Changbin was ready to head out, he met Chan in the kitchen, making coffee. Changbin got himself a cup too, hoping it would clear the fog in his head a bit. "How are you feeling today?", Chan asked, taking in his dongsaeng's tired face. Changbin shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee before replying: "Let's just put it this way, you're gonna get tired of saying 'bless you' reeeaal fast." – "That bad?", the leader frowned, eyebrows knitting together in concern. The younger shook his head with a sniffle, turning aside to sneeze immediately after. "Ndo, jus' really sneezy", the rapper forced out, scrubbing at his reddening nose with the cuff of his sleeve, only triggering another sneeze. Raising his eyebrow at Changbin, Chan questioned: "Are you sure you can work through this? You know, it's always fine to take a breather when you're sick." – "I'm sure. Don't even really feel sick. My nose is just so sensitive, it's annoying", the younger pouted, so his hyung decided to drop the topic.

Not much later, Jisung joined the two and they headed to the studio together. Changbin shivered lightly on the way there as the weather had gotten colder recently and the wind was picking up. His poor nose was already raw from him constantly scrubbing at it but it seemed like the only way to satisfy the annoying tickle. By the time they made it to the studio, he had already gone through an entire travel pack of tissues and had to go to the restroom to stuff his pockets with toilet paper. "You alright? You've taken a while", Chan asked worriedly when Changbin finally joined them. The truth was, Changbin had had a bad sneezing fit while at the restroom. Since he didn't want his friends to witness that, he stayed there to wait it out, blowing his nose a few times in hopes of getting rid of the congested feeling in his sinuses before washing his hands and joining them. Changbin nodded, already bringing his sleeve up to his face again, sniffling: "I-I'm fine, jus – jus' needed to h-hESSH! Huh - hEGSHU! Just needed to sneeze and blow by ndose." The other two blessed him and nodded in understanding before starting to work on some lyrics.

While Chan and Jisung seemed to be having a good time, really getting some lyrics down, Changbin was struggling. He couldn't focus on anything really. To him it seemed like his head was filled with cotton, making it impossible to grasp a solid thought. It also didn't help that he kept turning away to sneeze, which resulted in him being distracted from what he was doing again. The only thing that he remained aware of the entire time was his itchy nose and how painfully raw the skin around it had become. Chan had offered him a few more times to go home and rest but Changbin kept resisting. He wasn't that sick, right? Soon they had enough lyrics to start recording and the leader started to set up the microphone, while Changbin was beyond frustrated with himself. Neither had he been able to come up with any useful lyrics, nor would he be able to really record anything because his voice sounded so pathetically stuffy. Jisung would probably be the one recording the lines, while Chan went straight to editing them. Changbin was left to give the younger advice but other than that, all he could do was beat himself up for not really contributing anything to their work. That didn't mean he'd go home though.

Jisung was just about to start recording the first line, when Changbin held up his hand, signaling for him to wait. The younger looked at him curiously, watching his hyung's eyes flutter shut, mouth hanging slightly agape. "I-I nh-heed to sneeze", Changbin panted, breath hitching uncontrollably. "Yeah, I think the whole world knows that by now", Jisung teased. Eyes watering, the older twisted to the side roughly: "hESH! KGSH! N'gsCH! *sniff* sorry." – "Bless you", Chan sighed, studying his dongsaeng's face to figure out if it was safe for Jisung to start recording now. They went ahead with their recording but it was a slow process, frequently interrupted by Changbin's sneezes. Though it was disturbing their work, Chan and Jisung were mainly just worried for their friend. He couldn't possibly feel alright while sneezing that much. His nose was bright pink by now and his face looked blank and tired, almost as though he was asleep in his chair but his eyes were open, indicating that the rapper was indeed awake. Though his eyes were open, they looked distant, holding a sickly gloss. Changbin didn't look well at all but he had refused to go home earlier.

Changbin himself was mainly frustrated. Sure, he felt miserable but overall, he was frustrated with himself. He wasn't contributing anything to their work as a group, instead holding his friends back with his frequent sniffles. Going home didn't seem like an option though. He wasn't that sick and certainly wouldn't milk a cold just to get out of work. "Bin, seriously, just go home. You can't tell me you feel well because your sneezing is contradicting that", Chan sighed, turning away from his laptop. Jisung agreed: "You look awful and tired. Please get some rest." Changbin bit his lip, feeling guilty for holding his friends back. He was convinced they were annoyed at him at this point and he couldn't blame them but it still hurt him that they were trying to get rid of him. "Yah! Stop bossing me around!", he snapped, his eyes going unfocused immediately after before he turned to the side to sneeze. The other two were taken aback at their friend's sudden outburst. His face showed clear anger, the watery look in his eyes the only thing that kept him from being intimidating. He had been rather harsh when telling them off earlier too. Whenever they'd tell him to take a break, his demeanor would suddenly turn cold.

"Alright, I won't be telling you what to do anymore. You're an adult, decide for yourself. Make yourself miserable, I don't care", Chan stated coldly. He and Jisung then continued working, barely paying attention to Changbin. "Aish, we've been working for a while already. We should really eat something, shouldn't we?", the leader contemplated. He and Jisung then started a longer discussion about food, Changbin however was barely listening to them. He was trying to hold back his tears, his hyung's words having stung more than he wanted to admit. He couldn't even tell why his emotions were so all over the place today. The next thing he knew was Jisung leaving the studio. "Where's he going?", he muttered confused, squinting after the younger with watering eyes. Keeping his face clear of any emotion, Chan turned to him and replied: "If you had listened, you'd know that Sungie's getting us snacks." Mainly, Chan wanted to be alone with his dongsaneg for a moment, hoping the boy would crack and admit what was going on. He also had a plan in case that didn't work. Going on his phone, he texted Jisung instructions for when he returned. He wanted the younger to sneak up to Changbin from behind and feel his forehead. Him running a fever would be the only logical explanation for his temper Chan could give.

Heading out, Jisung went to the closest convenient store and raided the snack aisle. He felt his phone buzz and read Chan's message, nodding to himself as he had already had a similar suspicion. Changbin wasn't usually that easy to anger, so it would only make sense. Remembering his hyung's irritated pink nose, Jisung also decided to pick up some tissues. He hoped they'd be a bit gentler on Changbin's raw skin than the toilet paper he had been using over the past few hours. Jisung was quick to check out but tried to take his time walking back. Maybe Chan was talking Changbin into going home and he didn't want to interrupt and have their friend pull his guards back up. What he didn't know was that Chan was very far from talking Changbin into anything. He had given his dongsaeng the chance to tell him what was wrong multiple times already and now waited for Changbin to take the opportunity and speak up. That didn't happen though, so the Aussie really relied on Jisung and the back-up to his plan to work out. He heard the door open quietly but Changbin was too out of it to really pay attention to anything. To top that off, his hearing had become even more muffled from the congestion in his head, so he didn't hear Jisung slowly walking up behind him. Then there was suddenly a light, cool touch on his forehead and Changbin couldn't help but sigh in relief as it soothed the headache he had had all day. "Your skin's as hot as your temper", Jisung commented before removing his hand and plopping into his seat. Changbin didn't react to that at all, not even able to process what his dongsaeng had said.

When there was no reaction, Chan turned his chair to him and gave the younger a soft look, frowning: "You heard Jisung? You're running a fever." – "Oh", was all Changbin had to say to that. "Come on, mate. I can understand that you're frustrated but we're not bossing you around to be mean. We're genuinely worried 'bout you and your temperature is only more reason for us to take you home", the leader said with a comforting smile. That was what finally cracked Changbin. Soon the first tear rolled, then the next. Sniffling quietly, he pulled his sleeve over his hand to dry them but brushed against his nose in the process. "KGSH! h-hGSHHU! *sniff*" Trying to clean himself up, he pulled out some more crumpled toilet paper but Jisung was quick to hand him a tissue. "You're really not feeling yourself today, huh? Is that why you were so worked up?", Chan asked calmly, resting his hand on Changbin's shoulder. The younger nodded, rasping: "I'b sorry. It was so frustrati'g because I couldn't focus a'd was just so useless. Didn't thigk it was that bad." – "It's alright, but why don't you try talking to us next time?", Jisung smiled, brushing the older's hair back and holding his water bottle up to Changbin's forehead, since he had obviously enjoyed the cool touch earlier. While Changbin closed his eyes and relaxed, Chan was already shutting his laptop off and packing their things up. When everything was ready for them to leave, the leader patted Changbin's arm, humming: "Let's get you home. I bet a hot shower and an early bedtime sound nice right now." – "Really dice", the younger agreed, allowing Chan and Jisung to pull him up and take him home. 

[harmoni-me]

a poly komahinanami + reader request comin' through!: teaching crush reader emotions and how they work, how to interact with people, also stuff like romance, friendships, and having a real family.

thank you! don’t forget to stay hydrated!💙

My oh my, guess who’s back!? And with the longest story I’ve ever written just for you at that! This totaled up to be 17 pages on a Google Docs document, which is absolutely crazy by the way, but I just couldn’t stop writing this! But it’s now done, so I hope you enjoy!

Nagito Komaeda x Hajime Hinata x Chiaki Nanami x Reader Who Wants to Rediscover Emotions!

“Ugh...so not even that, huh…” Chiaki crashed onto a nearby sofa, slamming her face into a plush pillow, catching herself with a comfortable squish. You had just been shown one of those guilt-trip puppy adoption videos to try and kick-start your tear ducts, but it just honestly didn’t work. Though you desperately wanted the tears to flow, or at least have your eyes a little misty, nothing ever came. You couldn’t help it, but you were willing to do anything in order to feel, and know about everything that has to do with fruitful human emotion.

Just a mere few weeks before this moment, you were left with no one, going to a school for the talented and the elite. You did some research about social gestures, wanting to know what to do if someone wanted to talk to you. 

Well, apparently you did something okay, because now you were sitting here with three people who are bumbling around, trying to figure out your emotional and social problems. It was most likely luck that you met these three that wanted to help you out of your own ditch, but you definitely weren't complaining. Not one bit.

You had people by your side, and you felt something warm bloom in your stomach when you realized as such. It was nice, like when you let the sun soak up into the pores of your skin on some sandy shores.    

“Well, It’s not really their fault, you know? They were raised to be the Ultimate Perfectionist, their family must have done some terrible things in order for them to get this way...those bastards…” Hajime sat up against a wall, weaving his fingers into his hazelnut hair.

“Even though you’re simply reserve-course leftovers...you’re not wrong, Hajime. (Y/n) is in quite a predicament, wouldn’t you say?” Nagito laid cross-legged next to Hajime. Hajime just simply rolled his eyes at the white-haired boy's remark about his useless school status.

“Just a theory, but does talent honestly determine status? Wouldn’t it be like comparing someone’s grade’s to their natural IQ? Someone could simply just work harder, Nagito, and it’s that simple, most likely, to get on an Ultimate’s level.” You looked at Nagito, causing him to stiffen just a bit. 

…uh

Was it something you said? 

“Ah, (Y/n), your glaring. Practice softening your eyes a little bit. Giving off a serious look can make people uncomfortable sometimes.” Chiaki pointed out, gesturing to her own eyes, switching between a glare, and back to normal again, as if giving you a quick tutorial.

“Ah, um, sorry about that. I had no such intentions, so please forgive me, Nagito.” You bowed your head in forgiveness, already knowing what that gesture ment from social experience. Nagito just shook his head, causing his hair to sway along rhythmically, chuckling a little while doing so.

“No worries, please scold me whenever you please. I enjoy it.” Nagito let out a beaming laugh, shoulders bouncing at his own comment.

Hajime just clipped his thumb and index finger onto the upper-bridge of his nose, shaking his head to Nagito’s comment. Though, he could never stay mad at him for long… even with all of the degradation talk.

“Ok then, we need to get back to the situation at hand, because I have an idea!” Chiaki spoke out, making everyone in the room turn their head, ready to hear her out. The girl then picked herself up from the couch to stand tall among all of the sitting frames in the room.

“This situation is exactly like finally getting that shiny Pokemon you’ve always wanted, but it’s only level one. So you’ve got to go back and make it fight the smaller guys in order for it to start beating up the bosses.” Chiaki explained. Hajime nodded, apparently understanding exactly what she was talking about. Nagito was just sitting there, a clueless smile painted onto his face, listening with full intention of agreeing anyway.

You...you think you got the gist...but what the hell is a Pokemon?

“(Y/n) is our precious shiny Pokemon, and we need to take them out to experience all of the experiences, in order to gain all of the experience!” Chiaki finally proclaimed, confidently puffing out her chest in pride. Nagito just chuckled, while clapping at Chiaki’s idea, praising her. Hajime tilted his head a bit, seeming to want to know the stickler details.

“So, what’s the best way to go about this?” Hajime stood up from his seated position on the floor, stretching out his arms, sounding out a couple of pops from his tense muscles. Chiaki went silent for a moment, but then quickly jumped up with an idea.

“We divide it into levels, and create our own scenarios to fit within what we want to focus on in each level. For example, level one can be about trying to trigger certain emotions, like happiness. (Y/n) will pass the level when she completes the task provided. This will keep her motivated, and we’ll all have fun! I think.” Chiaki proposed, walking over to your listening form. You were confused, but you were also willing to try anything for you to feel like everyone else.

“So, (Y/n), are you ok with this?” The pale pink haired girl crouched down to your level, head turning, waiting for your approval.

“I’ll do anything to feel again. Of course I’ll do it.” You blatantly said, raising your tone to puppet a sort of happy emotion, though this time, it didn’t really feel as forced as it usually was, which made your heart jump in surprise. Your heart hopping domino-affected to your eyes widening in shock, as well as a jerk of fear in your body. You didn’t really know what you felt, but you wanted to figure it out more than anything in the world at the moment.

“Perfect! So, ah, what do the arcade machines say again...oh! Level 1, Start! Or maybe I’m wrong…” Nagito, stood, looking in your direction, as if signaling to you that everything was going to go great.

LEVEL 1: EMOTION TRIGGERS

You were sitting in a chair, while being surrounded by the three friends of yours. It was kind of how it went just a few minutes ago, with each person trying to show you something that might trigger something in you, but this seemed like it was going to be just a bit more...difficult.

“Well, what we’ve got planned is in order for you to go onto the next level, you need to achieve the following three emotional responses: Happiness, Repugnance, and Sadness. We’ll help you out on trying to trigger them, so don’t worry about it too much, alright?” Chiaki lightly said. You always enjoyed her voice, as well as her understanding personality. It was probably those character traits of hers that caused her to be your friend, most likely.

“Ah, well repugnance should be easy since I’m here, after all! Poor (Y/n) here would probably hurl after staring at scum like me for too long!” Nagito said with a smile dancing on his face, stepping into your vision, standing there for you to scan your eyes upon him. Hajime and Chiaki didn’t really object, but just wanted to see what would happen out of their own curiosity.

You observed him from your seat, as he said to do. The longer you looked at him, the more he just looked even more pretty than you thought he looked in the first place. His body was abnormally slim, making you wonder if he gets a proper amount of nutrition. You also noticed upon observing his features that his face fits perfectly within the four-division rule, which basically proves his face to be perfectly symmetrical. You also got a warm, sort of bubbly feeling when you looked into his eyes. It almost seemed as if they glowed a light, neon green. It was so enchanting...so-

“Pretty.” You said deadenly aloud, making everyone in the room so completely wide-eyed at your words, er, word. It was a surprise to them, to say the least.

“Uh...huh?” Nagito sounded, the tips of his ears darkening in a slight blush, not really knowing what to say.

“Oh, apologies. I was just thinking about your pretty eyes. Oh, yes, sorry. I think your eyes are very nice. Also, did you know that your face fits perfectly into the four-division rule, which is very hard to find naturally. I think modeling agencies would really like your face, though you look underweight...do you eat on a regular basis? If not, I can recommend some meals that are high in protein and low in fat in order for you to gain a healthy amount of weight and-” You rambled about your findings about the man in front of you, causing the darkening hue to spread from Nagito’s ears to his cheeks. A snort of laughter could be heard from Hajime, while Chiaki snickered into her arm, trying to conceal the noise.

“Ah...ahahah..uh, HAJIME, YOU MENTIONED AN IDEA JUST A BIT AGO! WOULD YOU MIND PUTTING IT INTO ACTION FOR US PLEASE!?” Nagito blurted out unexpectedly, making his way over to the “sideline” where the two others resided.

“I don’t remember making any idea, Nag-” Hajime said, just wanting to tease the lucky boy around some more.

“SH-SHUT UP! JUST DO SOMETHING!” Nagito slapped Hajime’s shoulder in embarrassment, causing Hajime to laugh at his successful teasing attempt.

“Okay, okay, I did have one idea I wanted to try. Though, I might need (Y/n) to take off their school sweater. Just for a moment. You can put it back on if you’re uncomfortable without it.” Hajime walked over to your seat, and steadily waited for the removal of your sweater vest.

“Oh, I honestly don’t mind. I trust you, Hajime.” You simply stated, carefully slipping the school sweater vest off of your form, and lazily plopping it down on the ground adjacent to you. Hajime then stepped a bit closer, fiddling with the ends of his shirt a little, a light blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Sorry, but...d-do you mind closing your eyes?” Hajime quickly stuttered out. You nodded, fluttering your eyes shut in obedience.

You felt Hajime’s presence close in on you. Closer and closer his presence got, making you go just a tad ridged, until you felt something.

It was as if feathers started to dance on the dips of your hips, causing you to squirm from the feeling. You weren't sure what was happening at first, but the more the feeling continued, the more you felt as if a gigglish sound was about to burst from your lips.

“Uh, I’m close, but I need more hands. Can someone- Ah, thanks Chiaki…”

It was when the other pair of hands started to skip across your skin that your lungs exploded. A loud, joyous laughter rang through the room, raspy and unused. The hands just kept on going, making your laughing increase even more, to the point where tears pricked at the edges of your eyes, making you open them out of pure instinct.

It was a weird sight, but you weren't surprised; it was what made you laugh out in delight. Hajime and Chiaki were tickling your sides, making your laughter return to your emotional memory. You haven’t heard the sound of your own cries of happiness in such an incredibly long time, that you knew you didn’t recognize it from the decade or so that it had been buried and locked away deep inside you. 

But here you were, laughing with the people you charised the most in that moment.

….

The room was at a standstill. Everyone was extremely overjoyed at your new emotional upbringing of happiness. It was amazing, and almost a miracle on how much you laughed and smiled, making you seem like a totally different person. It was to be celebrated about later, but things weren't nearly finished yet. Two more emotions still needed to be freed from within you, and finding the key to giving your feelings wings was difficult at that.

“I know exactly what will make her cringe!” Chiaki shot up from her thinking position, running to her console that was stuffed into her school bag. She pulled out the glossy pink electronic, powering it on, while simultaneously walking towards you.

“I will force you to watch a sim of Teruteru take a shower and make him woohoo with a ghost, making him have a ghost baby.” Chiaki stuck the screen up to your staring eyes. It was on what seemed like a digital Teruteru in a house, who was walking into the restroom of his abode. Once you saw that the character took off his clothes to bathe, you knew the threat wasn’t a farce like you thought it would be.

You honestly didn’t feel like witnessing something so...unnecessarily eerie and gross at the same time.

“Ew...”

That was all you said, scrunching your nose, and turning your head away from the screen as fast as possible to avoid from seeing such a monstrosity take place.

“Wow, that was...surprisingly simple! Such talent from an ultimate such as yourself, Chiaki!” Nagito praised the girl who willingly soaked it up like a proud child after getting a lollipop of accomplishment from the doctors office. You giggled unconsciously, astonishing yourself from the gesture, but you smiled, knowing that things might just return to how they once were in the past sooner rather than later.

“But, uh, can you actually have a ghost baby in that game?” Nagito questioned, and rightfully so, because you were coincidentally wondering the same exact thing. Chiaki darefuly glared into Nagito’s pale irises, signaling that she was dead serious, honest to God. Wow...must be quite the odd game she must be playing…

….    

“Can’t we just...skip the sad one? We already got the other two down.” Hajime asked, not wanting to see you in a gloomy state, especially since the sight of seeing you so vulnerable might break his heart into two.

“No way, Hajime! Everyone needs to bawl their eyes out at least one time in their life, right? Despair’s tears are needed in order to live a balanced emotional life!” Nagito exclaimed, a slightly crazed look twirling within his eyes, reflecting his love for the subject at hand.

Nagito skipped over to your form, leaning close to your stature. An innocent smile was stitched onto his face, though it was quite obvious that he had completely ulterior motives. He was going to make you complete this level, no matter what he had to do.  

“Just imagine, dear (Y/n), that you were blackmailed into killing me. What would you do?” His voice vibrated deep within your consciousness. It was a strange question, but it didn’t fail to make you feel incredibly uneasy. You looked down into your lap, thinking about your answer, for your response could affect the possible outcome.

“Report the threat to the police.” You simply said, because it was the truth. Putting a situation into more capable hands was the most logical thing to do. Wasn’t it?

“Oh, but it’s blackmail, is it not? You might get killed if you do such a naive thing...let me change the question for you, just to make things easier…” Nagito’s hand drifted to lightly grasp your chin, raising it up to make stern eye contact. His nimble fingers held onto the bottom of your chin, gently squeezing your cheeks inward, puckering your lips.

“How would you kill me?” The darkness in his voice didn’t even try to be hidden, for it scared your heart into beating out of it’s chest even faster than it was before. What kind of question is that? Why would he ask something like this, and to you, especially?

“I don’t want to answer.” was the only thing you could push past your lips, which has started twitching at the thought of the question given. Nagito’s smile downcasted, the disappointment evident on his face. His grip on your face grew tighter, tighter as his nails dug a little into your delicate skin. His hold on your cheeks was like his way of wanting you to spit out every single detail of your answer, wanting to know so desperately how you would murder him. 

You never wanted to answer that question, for you would never think about it in the first place. Nagito was someone you treasured, along with Hajime and Chiaki. The thought of seeing their own blood spill made you want to hurl everything on the floor, with the burning residue of stomach acid sizzling away at your throat.

“Tell me.” Was all he said, with shivering silence following straight after.

“No.” Your voice cracked. This was viewed as a terrible situation to be in. Never in such a long time have you felt this emotionally trapped. You were clueless on what you were feeling, but you knew that you never wanted to feel it again. You wanted to drown it, hoping it dies beneath much better emotions that you’ve resurfaced. But it never went away, only increasing, taking over all of your senses.

“Nagito, I think that’s enou-”

“Shut it.” Nagito sharply turned his head to face Chiaki, who had objectified.

Who was this? Was this the Nagito you’ve always gotten to know?

“You look like the poisoning type, in all honesty. Maybe you would slip it into my drink, or maybe just force it down my throat, none of which are bad choices. Maybe you would stay to watch scum like me convulsing on the floor, vomiting blood and mucus. What a pathetic way to go, wouldn’t it? You would have to live with the burden of my soul hovering over you for the rest of your life, wishing for yourself to be dead as well...What do you think? I bet you can do better than tha-”

“N-NO! P-please stop!” You screamed out, wanting the vivid picture in your mind to burn within a hellscape, never to be seen again. Your form was hiccuping and shrugging in sobs, wanting the images to go away. Nagito was your friend, and the vision of him laying in his own liquids and-

WHAM

“What the hell are you doing, Nagito?” Hajime fist has made contact with Nagito’s face, causing the boy to stumble back from the impact, his hand detaching from your face, leaving little red marks from the indentation of Nagito’s nails grounding themselves into your cheeks.

You started to shiver and shake, your heart so full of disturbance and sadness that you honestly just felt like dying. You wanted to go back to anything, anything that could be better than this feeling, but no matter how hard you tried, everything just kept on elevating. It was like a never ending hustle of feelings reaching over the brim, spilling over while also breaking the vessel.

Chiaki rushed over to your side, hugging you with all of her gentleness and consideration, patting down your hair in the most comforting way she could. Hajime went over and did a similar gesture, holding your hand, while bringing it into himself to embrace it. You don’t really know why he did, but Hajime lightly kissed the knuckles on the top of your hand, then once again bringing it into himself. 

Nagito just stood there, dazed at the sight he was beholding. He really wasn’t sure what he did wrong, because he did what he was supposed to do, right? Yet, the heavy guilt building up within his stomach begged to differ.

He shuffled up lightly to your slightly shaking frame. He then dropped to his knees, a thump sounding from the action. Carefully, he laid his head in your lap, while tenderly placing his arms around your lower body. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry you had to see that…” Nagito pleaded, his mumbling apologies verberated lightly from his mouth. You didn’t know what came over you, but you unsteadily placed your hands in his hair, patting it like you would with a delicate puppy. After a few seconds, you could feel a sudden dampness on your legs, and you could only guess it was Nagito’s down regretful tears. 

“It’s...okay...you were trying to help. I understand, so everything is okay.” Was all you said.

The four of you all gathered in that position for a while, with some people switching around to give you the ultimate care and affection. The rest of the time together was used as a break from your emotional journey, with all of you guys gathering up on the couch to watch as many Star Wars movies you could possibly watch within a certain time frame.

….

LEVEL 2: HUMAN INTERACTION

The four of you were in a restaurant that was one of the most popular places in town. The menu was expansive and expensive, and the desserts were rumored to be on par with one of the best confectionery institutes in the country.

Chiaki had helped you to get dressed for the occasion beforehand, wanting you to learn the basics of dress code and why it’s placed into different areas. You learned that in places that excel in wealth, status, as well as being full of influential people, were usually required of a dress code. Fancy, one could call it, was usually the status quote. Though, if it wasn’t those things, then you could basically wear whatever you wanted to unless stated otherwise. Interesting….

“I’ll be paying the bill today, in case anyone is wondering.” Nagito said, shifting his suit a bit to fix the minor details. His hair was up in what seemed to be a half ponytail, with the rest of his wild hair flowing downwards as per usual.

“Well, yeah, you kinda are the only one that can pay for this kinda thing…” Hajime rang out, checking his watch from underneath his white dress shirt sleeves. You really liked how the shirt fit Hajime, for it accentuated his slightly muscular chest a little more, as well as his smaller waist being hugged by his black dress pants and belt.

Chiaki sat next to you, a pink dress hugging her curves perfectly. Not too tight to a point where it made her uncomfortable, but it still made her figure known, which was a cute, hourglass figure. It was too bad that she hid herself underneath her hoodie most of the time, she honestly deserves to flaunt it more often from your perspective, but you still respected her personal conservatism when it came to her own body.

“So...what do I do now? I know this has to do with my social development. I think. Right?” You questioned, wanting to know what you needed to do in order to improve, and hopefully lead you to be more bearable during social activities.

“We were thinking just simple things for now, like ordering for us, calling over for the check, asking for refills, and that stuff. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so, and we’ll correct you on anything when needed.” Chiaki quickly explained, with you nodding along, signaling that you were indeed listening to her. 

“If (Y/n) is going to take our orders and give them to the waiter...then I guess i’ll have to tell you what I would like. A six ounce filet mignon with a caesar salad, please and thank you, dearest.” Nagito carefully listed off his order. You didn't really expect him to be a fan of steak, but you record the information with ease.

“Lobster and a side of soup for me.” Hajime smiled.

“I’ll have the french onion soup then. No side, I’m saving room for dessert!” Chiaki eagerly bounced in her seat, seeming to be quite excited for the treats this establishment would offer.

“Got it, then I’ll order just that, along with my food as well.” You confirmed the list in your head, just to double check, and once the waiter came around for the order, you did what you needed to do with ease. You were getting better, and that made everyone at the table extremely proud of your progression into becoming a better you.

“I want (Y/n) to practice in drama talk, I think that would be funny.” Chiaki commented, giggling at the suggestion. You figured “Drama talk” was just the spreading or finding of interesting rumors. You didn’t know that Chiaki was into that kind of thing, but it was quite humorous all in the same. 

“Hm, interesting. Well, what kind of things have you seen around the school that could fuel into this conversation, (Y/n)?” Hajime asked, resting his head on his propped-up hands.

Interesting….you couldn’t really think of anything right off the bat. You looked back into your memories to see if there was anything that could be of interest...until you found it.

 “I think I saw Kazuichi and Sonia walk into a cafe two days ago.” You attempted to spark something interesting, and apparently it worked, because Chiaki went absolutely feral at your comment.

“No. Way. I don’t believe it, are you sure it was actually them!?” Chiaki hollered, eyes sparkling out of a childlike curiosity. 

“I’m almost positive, there’s only a few people I know that have pink hair, and another with blonde locks that reach to their ankles.” You confirmed, making even Hajime and Nagito’s attention draw into the topic. It seems as if they weren’t really expecting it either. It was funny how both of their eyes blew up all of a sudden, as if you said something completely ridiculous.

“Is it...really that unbelievable?” you asked, genuinely wanting an answer. You kind of were seeing it all along, though it was merely one sided at first, like, really one sided. Eventually you expected them to hook up somewhere in between.

“I don’t really know him very well since we don’t really share the same class but I’ve heard from Chiaki that he can be a bit…” Hajime tried to search for the words, as if he wanted to pick something out of the dictionary that is not as offensive as he wanted it to be.

“Hyperactive with a dash of a perverted young teen.” Nagito finished bluntly. He wasn’t wrong, but you believe that he could be a grown man...sometimes. 

Alright, maybe not as much as what was ideal, but still.

“Oh my god I still can’t believe this is happening…” Chiaki was sitting there, looking like she was a woman in her thirties experiencing her first midlife crisis. You figured you succeeded in the drama department...or maybe you had said too much.

….

The night ended off extremely profitable to your social skills, and to your stomach. You learned correct table mannerisms, as well as waiter manners and gestures from the three of your friends. Not to mention that you have never tasted anything more delightful than the multitude of desserts that Nagito had ordered for the table. Although he wanted to get the whole dessert menu, he knew that the proportions could probably not fit all on the table, so he just got what he believed to be the best five deserts. And let’s just say that you and Chiaki were having a ball with all of them, while Hajime and Nagito were sharing a lava cake with vanilla ice cream, in their own little conversation. 

You and Chiaki felt like you couldn’t walk, and truth be told, you two actually couldn’t. It was so funny that Nagito probably busted a lung, and Hajime chuckled profusely while helping the two of you hobble out of the restaurant with your full bellies.

All of you had an eventful sleepover after that, with all of you falling asleep on each other while watching the Home Alone series. All of you passed out after the first movie, because it was boring compared to the first one. Nothing could ever beat the first one.

Once everyone woke up the next morning, apparently Nagito had prepared another lesson for you, wanted everyone to join and participate, for this one was “Special” compared to the other ones.

You don’t really know how it happened, but now you were stuck on the couch of Nagito’s house, being lectured about a topic you honestly didn’t know that much. Well, other than the movie’s that you’ve watched about it.

LEVEL 3: ROMANCE

“I think we can all agree that (Y/n) here will definitely get asked out dozens of times throughout their lives, wouldn’t you say?” Nagito stated, as if it was an obvious fact that everyone in the world should know.

“I mean, yeah. I really wouldn’t be surprised if she got asked out a few times.” Hajime replied, trying his best to be as nonchalant as possible, though the light blush on his face was quite evident in that moment alone. You never got to see his face as flushed as it was very often. And it was amazingly amusing.

“Therefore, I propose we teach her the swooning basics! Romantic gestures, if you were to frame it that way.” Nagito spread his arms out, as  if he were a ruling king among a giant kingdom. 

You were a bit dumbfounded by the idea, purely because of the fact that Nagito, of all people, came up with this idea. You will admit that you were completely inept when it came to anything close to romance or love, but that doesn’t really mean that you weren’t open to trying to be in a relationship. Though, you don’t really know what to do if that circumstance ever were to pass.

“Wait, are you sure that they’ll even be comfortable with this? This is some intimate stuff we’re talking about.” Chiaki chimed in, proving a point. You have heard about some actions that only lovers do, and you honestly didn’t really want to practice them, based on the descriptions that those actions beheld.

“As long as it’s nothing overboard, I don’t see the harm.” You confirmed, wanting to let everyone know that you’re ready for probably one of your toughest challenges yet. Or not. Who knows?

“Wonderful! Now, where to start...suggestions, anyone?” Nagito looked into the mere three person crowd he had going on, pointing at a Hajime who had raised his hand. When did this suddenly become a classroom scenario?

“Well, we should probably think about what couples do, right? Like, I dunno, holding hands and hugging. Things like that, right?” Hajime indicated, listing off the activities with his fingers.

“Perfect! Well, you know what to do then…” Nagito went over to Hajime, nudging him a little bit towards you. He rolled his eyes in response, seeming to be tired of Nagito’s antics of teasing and prodding.

“I...guess I’ll try…” Hajime murmured, picking himself up from the couch, then plopping himself closer to you. You turned to look into his eyes, which had quickly darted away from your own, a spreading red blooming onto his cheeks.

“Well, I guess I’ll teach you how to, uh, hold hands first.” Hajime stated, nervousness evident in his voice. You could hear Chiaki giggle in amusement from her spot on the couch, along with a chortling Nagito, who was snickering through his toothy smile.

“Usually,” Hajime began, “Couples hold each other's hands like this.” He softly took your hand into his own, intertwining his fingers to fit the spaces inbetween yours like a perfect fit to a puzzle piece. It was cheesy to just think about it, but it honestly felt like it belonged there, and it made your chest begin to feel warm, resembling hot coals within a fireplace.

“People can do this basically whenever, like when they're walking together, laying down with each other, and some people even do it when they, uh, sleep with one another. But either way, it feels nice, doesn’t it?” Hajime inquired, lifting up your tangled-up fingers, smiling kindly. The whole thing was so incredibly comforting and sweet, making you face unconsciously heat up. You’ve only blushed a few times in your life, and half of those times you had no clue you were even blushing, but now, you were pretty damn sure your face was as red as a freshly picked strawberry. 

“‘Oh, yeah. You can also do this, I think this is kinda a common thing too.” Hajime then undid the bond of the two hands, gently putting his own hand underneath yours. With his thumb, he dragged it back and forth across the top of your hand, making your heart leap from the gesture.

“Woah, Hajime, you really know your stuff, don’t you?” Chiaki pestered, giggling herself into even higher spirits. Hajime huffed out in an embarrassed annoyance. Can he just...have this moment for a god forsaken minute?

“Can...can I try?” You suddenly spoke, causing Hajime the look up in attentive stature. He let go of your hand, but still left it pretty close to your dominant one.

“Of course, you’re the student here, after all. So, go ahead.” Hajime then offered his hand, leaving it suspended in the air, waiting for you to reciprocate.

You nervously approved his hand with yours, your heart beating so hard up against the inside of your chest, that you were partially convinced that it was begging for an escape. You then shakily intertwined your fingers, causing Hajime to reciprocate your hold. Your hand was probably clammy from all of your apprehension, but Hajime looked pleased with what you had achieved.

“Look at that, all by yourself, huh? Look at you go.” Hajime chuckled, playfully gripping tighter onto your hand, then started to shake it around lightly, making you laugh a little from the gesture.

It was strange, but you really wanted to know what it was like to hold Nagito and Chiaki’s hands as well...maybe it was just your brain’s curiosity kicking in, or maybe it was the yearning that your heart was reaching out for. You didn’t know, so you let the feeling flourish, letting it be.

….

“And how in the world is Nagito good at anything romantic again?” Hajime exclaimed, making Nagito mock offence from the comment, then wickedly laughed it off. Chiaki shrugged her shoulders, rolling her eyes a bit, wanting her point to be shown through.

“You can’t deny that he’s pretty creative when it comes to names.” Chiaki explained, “He’s probably the most qualified person here if we’re going to teach them about pet names.” She turned her head to the lucky boy in question, who was playing with one of his bottom curls with his index finger, twirling it around, then releasing it in a transfixing way.

“Hm? Oh, well if I could be of some use...then of course I’ll do it for our little sunflower!” Nagito seemed to brighten the room a few levels of hues with merely his speech alone.

“Ok, well I see what you mean now…” Hajime mumbled into Chiaki’s ear, causing her to puff up in pride.

Nagito seated himself next to you, making himself comfortable. He gestured for you to do the same, wanting for you to be relaxed while he did his wordy magic.

“I’m honestly not the best for something like this, with me being a piece of lonely trash and all, but I’ll try to introduce you to some ‘Pet Names’ your future lover might bestow upon you. Better yet, you could use these to give to your lover yourself, which is also a fine option.” Nagito seemed to fully lean his weight onto the couch, closing his eyelids, and sighing out in a relaxed bliss.

“Hmmm...a common one is baby, babydoll, or even the bland bae are all some simple ones. They’re calling you cute, like a giddy child, but personally those are quite the lazy names, in my opinion…” Nagito chuckled.

 So...getting basically called a kid by your lover means that they think you're cute? That confused you...because you didn’t really like the idea of you being compared to a child on the cuteness spectrum. It seemed wrong...but you got why others would enjoy it.

“These one’s I enjoy more, they’re all based on sweet foods, indicating you’re, well, sweet. Or maybe just scrumptious in your own way...Anyway, people can say honey, cupcake, buttercup, and probably a lot more.” His hands started to sway around him, aiding him in his explanation.

You could call someone a sweet-tasting food and they’ll be flustered from the complement? That sounds simple enough.

“Ah, we still have so much more, I could go on forever…” Nagito exhaled, smiling, seeming to be experiencing a lot of inner peace in that moment.

“No, please continue. This is interesting to me, and I’m also learning a lot!” You proclaimed, curious for more. Nagito just snickered, moving on with his long list of names.

“People sometimes like to nickname after animals. The ones that are known to be small or cute, like bunny, bambi, kitten, and my personal favorite, dove. So pretty, is it not? Naming your lover after the bird that represents inner peace, and the bringer of love…”

You nodded and hummed in agreement, even though he couldn’t see you with his eyes closed. The fact that humans named other humans based off of animals for the sake of endearment made sense, but you hoped it didn’t get too extreme, or was used in offensive language... 

“What one’s do you like the most?” You asked, to Nagito’s surprise. He had to stop and think for a moment, as if he was about to prepare himself what he was about to say.

“I’m...picky. I like names that are meaningful, yet roll off the tongue just right. Though, I also want my partner to be comfortable with the name as well. It’s hard to pinpoint a single one but...maybe it would have to be between love, or precious. They’re simple...but for some reason it makes my heart feel warm.” Nagito put his hand to his chest, humming in satisfaction from his own touch.

“Hmmm….I think if I wanted to give you a pet name Nagito, I think it would be…” You sat in thought, furrowing your brows to think of something endearing your can say to the hopeless romantic.

“Ah, now there’s no need for tha-”

“Flower.”

“Huh?” Nagito opened his eyes to look at you, staring into your thoughtful orbs.

“Like a dandelion, because when you blow on it to make a wish, then it comes true. So I think it matches well.” You tried to break down your reasoning, but it just left Nagito more confused, and not to mention more flustered.

“I...don’t really seem to understand really.” Nagito shifted around on the couch as a sort of a nervous tick. It was obvious to even you that the way his eyes flickered around like someone in a frantic state indicated much apprehension.

“It’s because you're the flower that made my wishes come true.” You stated, smiling at the boy who started to radiate steam from his ears, seemingly not able to take anymore of the emotional turmoil.

In the end, Hinata had to lay him down on the couch for a while, while Chiaki pulled out a bag of frozen peas to place on Nagito’s burning cheeks, who was mumbling something along the lines of “I’m so lucky…” like a crazy mantra.

You just watched it all go down, while also using the term “Flower” in sentences out loud, honestly not helping with Nagito’s heart, which was out of control.  

….

“So...I have to teach you how to cuddle, right? Well that’s easy. Boys, get off this couch. It’s cuddle time. ” Chiaki blatantly said, though she did keep that pretty smile on her face at all times. Your knowledge on cuddling was limited, but you did it a couple times as a whole group, so that counts...probably.

“Lay down so we can get started, okay?” Chiaki gently said, laying herself down on the couch, opening her arms to you, inviting you into her seemingly warm embrace. You eminently fell into her arms, your head nuzzling unintentionally into her chest. She giggled at your actions, obviously enjoying herself. 

Hajime and Nagito, not really knowing what to do, just sat down together in a large cushioned recliner, the both of them leaning back into the chair, bodies pressed up against each other. Nagito had grabbed a book beforehand, so he took this time to simply enjoy his novel. Hajime, being curious and bored, kept on bugging Nagito with questions about the book, which Nagito honestly didn’t mind him doing.

“Ok, let’s start with the common stuff, little spoon or big spoon?” Chiaki said, holding up the number two on her fingers to indicate the options that she had just listed. You had no idea what she had just ment. Spoons? Like, soup spoons? Or ice cream spoons? Your mind was rushing with questions, and Chiaki snickered lightly from your inquisitive irises, knowing how perplexed she had made you.

“Sorry, you’re probably confused, so I’ll just show you.” She shifted herself so that she was facing away from you, so that all you could see was her back. She then wiggled closer to you from that angle, so that her spine was pushed up lightly against your chest. You just laid there, rigid in not knowing what to do with your arms, which were tense from Chiaki’s actions. 

“Wrap your arms around me. Don’t be shy, I’ll tell you if you’re doing something wrong.” She said, waiting for your embrace to bestow itself around her.

Humming in agreement, you used your arms to comfortably wrap itself around Chiaki’s dipped waist, instinctively pulling her closer to you. The pink-haired girl had mumbled from the movement, but then stuck up a little thumbs up to you, indicating that you did everything perfectly.

The two of you stayed in that position for a while, getting comfy from each other's radiating warmth. It was something so peaceful, that it filled your heart with an unknown bliss. You wanted to stay like this forever, but you knowing that it had to end eventually made you feel just a bit of disappointment.

“M’kay..les’ do another one.” She finally spoke, sleepiness obvious within her voice, making you smile a bit. She turned over to you, then started to shove your shoulder lightly with her palm.

“Go on your back…I’m gonna lay on you.” She murmured, pushing you down on your back, and shifting her form onto your chest. Her head was snuggled into your neck, while her arm lazily laid on your abdomen. What surprised you about the position is the fact that Chiaki’s leg had tossed itself over to drape over your lower body. It was as if she was just a baby, clingy koala who wanted their nap time to begin already...actually, this was exactly that, Chiaki was definitely a cute, sleepy koala who just wanted to snooze.

“This is the sweetheart’s cradle...you make a good pillow…” Chiaki mumbled into your neck, making the area feel hot from how flustered you were. Yet, it was so incredibly soothing, that you just wanted to just...rest here until the day you died. You weren't even exaggerating either, because if you were to die like this, you definitely would be the happiest person on earth, and definitely the most snug corpse out there by a longshot.

“Can...can the other’s join too?” You managed to mutter, causing Chiaki to slightly stick her head up.

“Mhm...you’re lucky this couch is big…” she answered, then turned her head to the two boys, who were bickering about the protagonist from Nagito’s book.

“(Y/n) wants you guys to join, come on...don’t keep me and them cold and waiting.”

From that point forward, nothing could compare from the warmth of all three of the people that meant the most to you. The warmth of family...the warmth of true friends...and the warmth of love, all sang such a bright song in your heart, helping you to finally find yourself again. The hardened plaster covering your emotional bank had cracked, leaving the feelings to leak free for the first time in a decade.

And with that layer of facade broken by the people you grew to love the most, you couldn't have wanted it any other way. It would always be them to break down your walls. It would always be them that lead you down the path to find the you you’ve always been searching for. And it would always be them that provided you with the love that you’ve missed out on in life. 

[askkrenko]

Krenko’s Guide to Pokemon: Eevee Line Part 2: The Original Trilogy

Art by Alexia Rodriguez

VAPOREON:

Art by Joshua Dunlop

Stats: 

With its 130 in HP and 95 Special Defense, Vaporeon is one of the tankier Eeveelutions. 60 Defense is admittedly low, but its HP and Defense still balance out to higher than average durability. Just make sure to train your Vaporeon for defense.

What makes Vaporeon special is that even with its great defenses it has a Special Attack of 110, so your opponent can’t simply ignore its offense the way they can with a lot of defensive Pokemon.

At 65 speed Vaporeon is a bit slow, but that’s ‘below average’ and far from abysmal. 

Art by SeviYummy

Abilities:

Vaporeon has the best sort of ability array: one that’s all around good and one that’s narrow but powerful.  Water Absorb makes an already defensive Pokemon even harder to take down, giving it options for free switch ins and occasional healing. While Vaporeon is already resistant to water, the jump from resistance to absorption is still a good one.

Vaporeon’s other ability, Hydration, automatically cures Vaporeon’s status conditions in the rain. Now, I mentioned with Lapras that this wasn’t that useful, but Vaporeon’s higher offensive potential means it can deal serious damage in the rain. Combining Hydration with Rest allows Vaporeon to heal to full regularly while dishing out damage and keeps it from being taken down by Toxic.

Art by SoupAnd Butter

Moves:

Scald. The big reason Lapras is a bad tank and Vaporeon is a good one is that Vaporeon can learn Scald and Lapras can’t.  With Vaporeon’s worst stat being its physical defense, Scald’s ability to cut an opponent’s damage in half while also doing damage over time is the single most important part of Vaporeon’s arsenal. 

The other most important move for a Vaporeon is Wish. As Wish can heal Vaporeon OR another Pokemon based on Vaporeon’s max HP, Vaporeon can use Wish to heal a lot of Pokemon to full, or it just uses it as a recovery ability for itself. On the other hand, with Hydration active, Rest is a full heal with no downside.

For non-Hydration Vaporeon, Heal Bell is a good option, primarily to avoid being taken down by Toxic. Similarly, Haze prevents an opponent from setting up against Vaporeon with Nasty Plot, Swords Dance, and the like.

Vaporeon’s coverage is mostly non-existant. Shadow Ball and Ice Beam are really its only options for alternative attacks. Ice Beam tends to be the better option as it gives Vaporeon an attack against Grass types. 

As all Eeveelutions, Vaporeon can learn Baton Pass and Toxic, with the former being part of plenty of broken combinations and the latter a great option for any tank. I’m not going to mention Baton Pass for the rest of these- just assume “Baton Pass is broken good” and that the reason you’re not using it otherwise is because it’s banned in online tournaments.

Overall: 

Vaporeon is a really good tank with a solid movepool that lets it do everything it could want.  

JOLTEON:

Art by dekunobou-kizakura

Stats:

GOTTA GO FAST!

Jolteon is a damage dealer. It has 130 speed and 110 special attack, so it hits first and it hits hard. Its defenses are a bit lacking, but that’s what happens when you’re going all in on violence. Jolteon’s 95 is in special defense, which is nice, but that leaves its HP and Defense at 65 and 60, meaning it’s very easy to knock out.

Art by CaninePrince

Abilities:

Volt Absorb is a great ability to have, even if the healing doesn’t help Jolteon nearly as much as Water Absorb’s helps Vaporeon. Just being able to get free switch-ins and catch attacks is great, and it’s not as though the healing never matters.

Jolteon’s other ability, Quick Feet, is hot garbage. It spikes Jolteon’s speed when affected by a status condition, but Jolteon’s already one of the fastest Pokemon around, so all it really does is keep it from losing speed from Paralysis. This is useless.

Art by Ivan-Jhang

Moves:

Jolteon’s primary attack is Thunderbolt, or ocassionally Thunder, as a special electric move.

After that… uhhh…

Ummm…

And now we have Jolteon’s problem.  The entirety of Jolteon’s coverage options are Shadow Ball and Signal Beam, which is decent but unimpressive.

Jolteon has a few status moves in Yawn and Thunder Wave, which is nice to have on a fast Pokemon but far from unique.

Jolteon’s real advantage move is probably Volt Switch. Though not as strong as Thunderbolt, Jolteon’s ability to reliably go first means it can deliver a solid hit and then get out of the way before the opponent has a chance to counterattack into its abysmal defenses. 

Overall:

Going first with a 110 Special Thunderbolt isn’t a bad trick, but it’s really all Jolteon does. Without coverage it’s not a great revenge killer, without buffs it’s not a great sweeper, and without durability it can’t just stand there and slug it out. 

FLAREON:

Art by Foxlett

Stats:

With 130 Attack and 110 Special Defense, Flareon seems clearly designed to slug it out with and beat up Special Attackers. Unfortunately, it put its 95 into Special Attack, leaving its HP, Defense, and Speed poor. As is increasingly clear, a middling secondary attack stat is basically never useful. Pokemon only need one attack stat, and Flareon is the only Eeveelution who invested in two.  That alone puts it on the path to being the worst one.

Art by MinjixMuu-Chan

Abilities:

Flash Fire, like Volt and Water Absorb, allows Flareon a free switch in, though unlike the other two this one results in an increase in damage rather than a heal, generally making it better than Jolteon’s but not as good as Vaporeon’s. Unfortunately, this damage increase only applies to Fire attacks, and if Flareon switched in to catch a fire attack there’s a decent chance the opponent is a Fire type, thus resistant to FIre.

Flareon’s Hidden Ability, Guts, increases its attack by a whopping 50% when afflicted by a status condition and makes it not lose attack to Burn. Unfortunately, Flareon is a fire type and thus immune to Burn, meaning it can’t simply bring a Flame Orb into battle the way a Machamp or Raticate can. Instead, it has to rely on the far more damaging Toxic Orb. This is still an option, certainly, it just means your Flareon won’t survive very long.

Art by Rihse

Moves:

For a long time, Flareon was held back by having a high attack stat and no physical fire attacks. Then it got one, but it was FIre Fang, which was still garbage. Finally, it received Flare Blitz, which does approximately a million damage and basically kills the Flareon using it. 

Flareon’s coverage  is quite different from its siblings. As a physical attacker, it can use Iron Tail and, more importantly, Super Power. Like Flare Blitz, Super Power ensures your Flareon is not surviving long.  Flareon can also use Return in most generations and learns Double-Edge naturally. 

A Guts+Toxic Orb Flareon can make use of Facade to do serious damage with no drawback, minus the part where you’re Badly Poisoned.

With low speed and huge attack, it’s often in a Flraeon’s best interest to learn Quick Attack. Though relatively weak, there will be many situations where it’s the only opportunity to deal damage.

Overall: 

Flareon is dead as soon as it hits the battlefield, but if it’s lucky it’ll get a good hit or two in and seriously mess up the enemy. Wasting its 95 on Special Attack really hurts it, and being immune to burn really keeps it from achieving its full Guts potential.  In theory, there should be more survivable, defensive builds available to Flareon, but without a physical fire move between Fire Fang and Flare Blitz, you have to hurt yourself to deal any damage worth noting.

[mikkomacko]

The Fighter 5

Harry tried with all his heart to get me to sleep. He requested warm milk, he hummed a random song, he buried his fingers in the roots of my hair and stroked through the strands in hopes that it would do anything to help. But I was still restless, falling asleep long enough to dream of Theo dying in some gruesome fight with Trina, before flinching awake to be met with Harry's worried, tired eyes.

"You don't have to worry," Harry murmured, dragging the pads of his fingers down my cheek and over my jawline. "you know I'll do everything to get you what you need." His lips touched between my eyebrows, soft as a feather. "You'll be safe."

I didn't tell him that I wasn't worried about myself or that I was dreaming of Theo. I didn't tell him that every time his fingers touched me I felt sick, constantly thinking that this is the first and only night I'd get him like this. I closed my eyes again, relaxing into the same cycle that took place until the sun broke the horizon.

~

Breakfast was quieter than usual. Arlia didn't attend, and I didn't ask where she was. I'd rather spend my last real breakfast with just Harry and Theo. Theo didn't eat much, not that I blamed him. My stomach felt like it was full of piles of rocks, so heavy that the platforms wouldn't even be able to lift me into arena. It was wishful thinking of course. Harry made Theo and I eat two slices of toast each, and drink at least one glass of water.

"No hot cocoa today," he had told me, pushing my glass towards me with a sorry smile. "need you hydrated."

Then he spoke. A lot. He talked about different weather conditions and environments. He told us if we could find water, we need to stay close to it. Most of the time, there's fish in there, and we know how to catch fish. He warned us about fires and their smoke and when to light them. Theo didn't look like he could really handle listening to Harry at that moment, so I listened for the both of us.

"We can do this Theo," I told him, when I noticed he was losing color in his face and his eyes were welling up. "we're going to get in the arena, and you're going to stay on your platform no matter what." I made sure he was looking at me before continuing. "I'll come get you. You only move if someone's coming towards you, okay?"

He nodded, his whole face wobbling as he held back tears. "What if something happens to you why you're trying to get to me? What do I do?"

"The only way I won't get to you is if I'm dead, and that's not going to happen." I swore firmly. There's absolutely no way I'm going to die knowing Theo's still in danger. "I promise, I'll get to you."

"B-but what if-"

"You're smart Theo," I reached over to wipe the water on his cheeks. "you'll know what to do. We've been surviving our whole lives."

He had nodded, despite the fear swimming around in his crystal eyes, and we fell into silence until Harry told us we had to go. We moved towards the elevator, Harry stopping me before I got too far. His thin fingers circled my wrists, and his tired eyes looked into mine with longing.

"I'll do what I can to take care of you two," Harry murmured, "whatever it takes." I nodded, lump in my throat. If there's one thing I've learned about Harry, it's that he can't lie. He'd rather move around the truth than actually lie, so I knew his word was good.

"I'm going to do this Harry," I swore, my words becoming muffled when he pulled me into his chest for a hug. "It'll either be Theo or me, I promise."

I don't know what made me say that it might be me coming home because I will make sure it's Theo. Maybe I felt like Harry needed to hear it, to know that I hear him.

"I know," Harry mumbled in my ear, pressing a kiss to my temple.

~

"Do they feel okay?"

Julius brushed his hands over my shoulders, straightening out the thick winter coat he'd just zipped up. I nodded, rolling my shoulders and shaking my legs to make sure nothing about my outfit feels wrong.

"It's going to be cold there." He told me, as if I couldn't already tell my the clothes he layered me in. I still nodded, unable to find anything to say. It's as if Harry kept my voice, stuffed in one of his pockets to make sure my words stay with him.

Julius was just finishing up braiding my hair when a buzz rang out, signaling that it's time for me to enter my platform. We don't say anything, I suppose he's realized I'm unable to, and I zip my coat up to my chin, stepping onto the platform. Julius stares at me, nodding firmly just once, and then the pedestal begins to rise. The tube grows dark, and the air cold. So cold it stings my face and ears, and my eyes begin to water. The first break of light doesn't hurt considering I'm already squinting from the winter breeze. Once I'm able to see clearly, I take in the arena.

A silver cornucopia sits in the center of the 24 tributes, large chunks of ice and swirls of frost hanging off of it. The area around us is nothing but snow and ice, a forest trapped in a winter wonderland. A screen above the cornucopia displays the countdown: 25 seconds. I quickly look around the weapons laid out, cursing when I realize the spears and larger weapons are further in, making it harder to get out. If I want Theo and I to survive, I have to get one. Backpacks are laid out in the grass, one sitting about three feet in front of me. I'll grab it on my way to the cornucopia.

12 seconds.

Looking around the tributes, I ignore their frightened gazes until I see a familiar pair of blue eyes staring right at me, frozen like a deer. Theo's trembling, cheeks already red in the cold. I give him a reassuring nod, readying myself to run as the final seconds tick down.

A gong ring outs, and I leap forward. My winter boots are heavy, but after years of swimming and ice fishing, I'm prepared to run on ice. Bodies blur by me, the arena empty of noise as I haul up the backpack and sprint to the cornucopia. Adrenaline or luck, I'm not sure, but I'm thankful when I realize no one's reached the weapons yet. I throw the backpack over my shoulders, diving forward to grip the sleek silver spear. I can hear rushed footsteps getting closer, and I steady myself on the side of the metal tube, turning just as the person gets within range. I don't even distinguish which tribute it is before I ram the butt of the spear into their head, knocking them unconscious.

It's Marlin, I realize, just as a screech rings out. I look up to see Trina slipping on ice as she hauls herself towards us. I have no doubt that she sees the blood dripping from her partners temple.

I jump back to action, stepping over him and grabbing the trident resting on the wall. Theo needs a weapon too. I duck around an incoming tribute, somehow managing to get by with only a tug on my sleeve. I notice all the careers are skidding around on the frosty ground. They must not have prepared for this kind of weather.

Theo is huddled down on his platform still, hugging his knees and looking around with wild eyes. His lock on me, and he launches forward too, meeting me halfway. I breathe out a sigh of relief when I realize he's okay and he somehow got a backpack too.

"Come on, we have to go!" I yell, flinching as the fighting screams of the Careers ring out behind us. They've armed themselves, and they're already killing. Theo takes the trident from me, following me into the line of forest trees. The further in we step the more the snow lessens, turning into the frozen ground. I thank whatever good karma's been waiting for me, thankful that I won't have to worry about tracks, and we run. The cold air burns my hands and face and I can feel my legs getting tired but I keep going. The fog from my breath gets too thick so I reach up and hold my hand over my face. I don't know how long we run for, but it's easier to move on this flooring rather than the ice so we go as far as possible.

"I can't-b-breathe." Theo stutters, my own throat and chest stinging painfully so I know it's time to stop. I slow down to a walk, tucking my chin into the collar of my jacket. We need to find water, or a safe place to hide so we can go through our bags and figure out what we need.

"We need a tree or something to hide out in for now." I mutter, teeth chattering. Theo nods, his own chin wobbling in the cold. It's hard to see anything through the thick trees, but the rocky edge of a mountainside peeks through. It's not too far away, and it'll provide some protection from the wind.

"Let's get closer to the mountain, yeah?" Theo follows my line of sight, nodding again. I adjust my grip on my spear, fingers aching and tight from being exposed. Theo and I continue walking, and I keep my eyes and ears perked for any sign of oncoming trouble. Maybe his fingers are cold too, or maybe he's frightened. Whatever it is, I don't question when Theo slips his empty hand into mine. Instead I welcome the warmth of having him with me, even if I wish he were a thousand miles from here, safe and sound.

~

Theo is the first to climb, my back to the tree trunk with our weapons while he pulls himself up the tree as high as he can. The sky is starting to darken, meaning the bloodbath at the cornucopia is dying down. I wonder how many died, which districts they were from. I wonder if somehow Marlin found his way to his feet and managed to slaughter with his fellow butchers. The thought makes me queasy so I push it away.

"I found a good spot!" Theo calls down, and I look up to see him peaking down from a rather large branch. It forks out at a comfortable angle, and luckily another branch for me is close by. I hand his trident up to him, still paying attention to the area around me. There's been no sign of anyone around us, but I refuse to let my guard down.

Theo takes his weapon, and mine, leaving me with free hands to climb the tree. I hurry, staying close to the trunk and ignoring the way the bark scratches my palms and makes them burn even more. I settle on the branch next to Theo, the small gap between them but being big enough for either of us to fall through, so we huddle close together to stay warm. Theo's tucked our weapons under his legs so they don't fall, bag on his lap. I do the same.

"I think my fingers are too frozen to open the zipper." He chuckles lightly, body shaking against mine.

"Tuck 'em into your sleeves." I say, fumbling with my zipper to pull it open. The first thing to bulge out is made of thick, heat reflecting fabric and I realize it's a sleeping bag. "Nice," I nod, carefully unrolling it and throwing it over Theo's legs. He wiggles closer to me, clutching the bag tighter against him.

"Thanks Athena."

I nod, continuing my search through the bag. Hopefully there's another one in the other back pack. The next is an empty water bottle with a small pack of water treatment in it. I huff, wishing it was already filled with water, but the Capitol is never that kind.

"Oh thank God." I grin, finding a pair of winter gloves. I clutch them tightly, rubbing my fingers of the waterproof exterior. "Put these on." I instruct, hanging them to Theo. He doesn't hesitate to slip them over his small hands.

The rest of the contents are dried beef and fruit, a long rope, and a pack of matches. Not bad for one backpack, and I can't help but be thankful that Theo managed to grab one too.

Once Theo's tucked in nice and warm, trident now safely in his bag next to him, I empty his bag. We've got the same stuff, so I settle in the same way he does. Sleeping bag up to my chest, spear next to me, gloves on. I'm settling the bag behind me as a backrest when Theo speaks up.

"There's never been an arena like this." His voice is quite and trembling, and I hope it's more from the cold rather than fear. He's safe with me, but I'd prefer he'd be able to hide his emotions. Never let anyone see your weaknesses.

"No there hasn't," I respond after thinking back on all the Games I've seen. Forest and mountains are typical, but frozen ones aren't. The last Games where the temperature was low lasted too long and got boring. Most of the tributes froze to death, and many Capitol residents were upset with the lack of blood shed and gore. "but that means everyone's at a disadvantage. Not just us."

"What do you mean?"

"No ones prepared for an arena like this. Did you see all the tributes that couldn't even move on the ice? We're all out of our element, meaning..."

Theo smiles, relieved. "We've got a level playing field."

I nod proudly, throwing an arm over him and pulling him to my chest. He happily cuddles up next to me, sighing pleasantly at the added warmth. "Exactly."

~

The temperature dropped with the sun, leaving Theo and I wrapped even tighter around each other. The only relief that came with nightfall was the absence of the wind. Theo's quietly eating a strip of beef, head against my shoulder when the Capitol anthem plays throughout the arena. He sits up straight at that, both of us looking to the sky.

The canons went off a couple hours ago, 14 of them, meaning 14 of the tributes have already been murdered. There's only 10 left, including Theo and I. I hate to think it, but I can't help but feel further at ease knowing I've only got 8 tributes to outlive to make sure Theo gets home.

Finally, the Capitol seal comes up in the clouds, displaying the fallen tributes. I can't help but chuckle lowly at that. I never realized how ironic it is that we're called the fallen. As if we were angels, torn from heaven to be murdered.

I don't any faces of the tributes displayed in the sky, nor there names. All the ones that are a threat, mainly the Careers, are still alive. The tiny bit of ease I just managed to muster up disappears. The real threats are still alive, and most likely hunting.

The sky returns to darkness, and Theo falls back into my chest. It doesn't take him long to fall asleep and I'm thankful. He needs rest, we both do, but for now I can keep watch. I don't think I'd be able to sleep anyway. In the frigid night, breath leaving my lips in clouds, I think of Harry sat on out balcony in pajamas, our blanket tucked around his shoulders. The thought warms my body, so I keep it fresh in my mind all night. Not that it's hard. I don't think I'd be able to stop thinking about him if I tried.

[outdoors164-blog]

Can Happier Camping Really Help

Tips For Choosing the Right Happier Camping

Table of ContentsThe Story Of Happier Camping Has Just Gone Global!Happier Camping Quick guide To Spare You A Couple Of InconveniencesThe Top Details On Happier Camping

Key Details About Happier Camping

If you have a blow up bed mattress for guests in your house, you might make that job. Yet backpackers require a lightweight, sturdy pad that's either inflatable or constructed from foam. Many top quality, lightweight pads range in density from 0. 753 inches. If you tend to be uncomfortable when sleeping on a floor, choose an inflatable pad that's 2 inches or even more in density.

With blow up pads, keep in mind that you'll pay more for versions that are very light-weight. If you do not require an actually thick pad as well as you're much more interested in minimizing your backpack weight, get a pad constructed from thick foam. It will not only evaluate weigh less, yet additionally be more resilient as well as cost less.

Certainly, an oven happiercamping.com is important for preparing tasty dishes, however it can additionally be made use of to detoxify water and make cozy drinks to keep your core temperature level up in chilly climates. That being claimed, ask on your own these three questions when looking for a stovewill you be vehicle outdoor camping or backpacking? Will you actually prepare, or simply boil water for freeze-dried dishes? And exactly how many individuals will depend on the oven for meals? For car camping, a big dual-burner lp cooktop will certainly hold multiple pots as well as simmer well, so you can prepare more complex dishes for a number of people simultaneously.

operate extra efficiently than cylinder ranges in winter, yet they're a bit larger, messier, as well as are harder to run. are best for food preparation in modest conditions, due to the fact that they're light-weight, simple to make use of, as well as usually allow you to fine-tune the flame and also simmer. are best for trips where you'll eat just freeze-dried food.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Happier Camping

Beginners to camping can save money by using their own kitchen area products, such as plastic flatware, bowls, as well as mugs. For backpacking, invest in light-weight pots made for the outdoors. Because kitchen items get dented up while outdoor camping, you'll ultimately intend to change your house things with long lasting products that you just make use of outdoors.

You'll mainly use a blade for food preparation, just see to it that you cover or cover the blade. Also pack a taken care of blade knife, folding blade, or multi-tool (such as a Leatherman) for energy scenarios. A lightweight folding knife or multi-tool with a blade will benefit prepping dishes or doing random work, like cutting cable to make a camping tent guyline.

If your first-aid kit does not include scissors, obtain a blade or multi-tool with small scissors to cut moleskin for treating those sores. Head lamps work nearly anywherecamping or in your home. Lights not just allow you move and also do points in the dark, however can likewise act as signal gadgets in emergency scenarios.

For general use around camp, many headlamps on the marketplace will perform simply fine, however if you spend about $30 or more, you can get an extra durable headlamp with higher "lumens" (just how brilliantly it shines) and extra beam distance, which is useful for climbing up and also hiking in darkness. Whether you're auto outdoor camping or backpacking, it's practical to have a battery-powered lantern for common eating areas as well as the interior of your camping tent.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Happier Camping

While most individuals are familiar with large battery powered lanterns, know that a variety of lightweight backpacking lanterns have actually struck the marketplace in recent years. There are loads of canteen to pick from at stores like REI or EMS. Possibly you've heard the phrase, "hydrate or die"? It's essential that you have something to hold water and other beverages while camping, whether you make use of bottles or a hydration tank (or both).

[sxciallygray]

Having a baby (G.D.)

This is somewhere around 2.5k words and I wasn’t planning on making it this long, but like I said I live for this concept. I’ve had this idea in my head for so long that I can’t stop writing when I start lol

Just a little disclaimer, my first language is not English so I’m sorry in advance if I misspelled something and also don’t forget to meet Grayson and y/n’s kid at the end with the video I made. I have a full storyline created and I’m thrilled to share so I hope you like it :)

__

A big family. Moving together. Long summers at the Dolan’s household back in New Jersey, with all the family events that would imply. Marriage. Achieving their goals with each other’s unconditional support. And overall a long life together, growing old still loving like it was the first time they met.

All of those things were topics that Grayson and y/n had talked about many times, daydreaming about how it all would turn out. Because let’s be honest, those two were big on fantasizing about the future.

But there was this one thing both of them yearned for, and what is that one little thing you might ask, well that is simple. Having kids.

Did I mention big family right? That means a bunch of kids running around the house like crazy, what a dream.

There was just a little inconvenient, or shall I say a big one? I don’t know, it depends. Thing is the young couple haven’t decided when they want to start to have kids. They’re mature enough to know having a baby would be a life changing experience, so they want to be in the same page for when that happens.

With y/n and her two exhausting jobs as a kindergarten teacher and also a dance teacher she couldn’t imagine adding a kid to the mix. Then you have Grayson, still very much into his and Ethan’s youtube world, something that took so much time out of his day and even the month when the twins have to travel somewhere.

However, they felt ready. It was difficult to explain, but they know if they had a baby they would figure everything out, so for the last few months they stopped using any kind of precautions in the hopes that it would be a quick thing and y/n would be pregnant the first time they tried. Spoiler alert, it didn’t happen like that.

Two months after thinking every time they had sex that would be the one time it would happen, they got a little discouraged, paying more attention to their busy lives and enjoying their relationship.

“What smells so good?” y/n had just got home after another long day. Don’t get her wrong, she adores that kind of tiredness, it’s her happy tiredness, although lately she felt so much more drained than usual, so getting home to be welcomed by what she expected to be Grayson making dinner made it feel better.

She was right, the second she walked into the kitchen she forgot how tired she was because the image of Grayson wearing sweatpants, no shirt and an apron on top, covering his sculptured torso, had that magical effect.

“Why are you even wearing the apron?” the girl hasn’t even noticed she was holding her breath until she talked.

Grayson’s attention changed from the meal he was preparing to the girl of his dreams, who was standing just a few feet away, looking all kinds of beautiful. It was no surprise how a smile quickly creeped up to his lips.

“you’re home” that was a Grayson thing to do, state the obvious when his attention gets drawn away.

“and I still don’t know how I made it here” she joked walking up to him, pecking his perfect lips. y/n would lie if she said she doesn’t find herself thinking way too much about Grayson’s lips.

“Tired?” now that she mentioned it Grayson could actually see it in her. She had been complaining about being extra tired lately, something she barely does, complaining, because being tired with the long days at work was something guaranteed.

“So much” y/n couldn’t help herself, she wrapped her arms around one of Grayson’s and leaned her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes at the same time “and starving. Alice’s parents forgot to pack the girl a snack for the break and I gave her mine” the complaining came out of her lips with a mix of whining and laughter, she really didn’t care about giving her kids the food she had packed for the day, although every time it happened and y/n shared the news with Grayson he didn’t think the same.

“If you don’t talk with her parents I will” of course he was just kidding, hopefully “who sends their kid to a two hours dance class without food” the frown on his face was a signal of how serious he took the whole thing and y/n didn’t even need to open her eyes to know the expression on his face “it’s not funny” he tried to make a statement, but when y/n laughs he’s lost, so it comes out with a chuckle “seriously, it’s the third time her parents forget to pack her something to eat this month”

Y/n opened her eyes, there was a funny look on her face Grayson didn’t quite understand and that only made her fall harder for him. That man had a heart of gold and it scared y/n that someday he would appear at her class with a bag full of snacks for all the kids.

“I love you” she smiled standing on her tip toes to give him another quick kiss “can you feed me now?” the look on Grayson’s face was more relaxed now, but if she knew him she also knew he wasn’t letting the issue go that easily.

“food is not ready yet, my love” to say that every time y/n expresses her love for him out loud he gets even softer for the girl wasn’t accurate enough “you can shower while I finish and we can go watch a movie right after dinner” the pout on y/n’s face transformed into a smile immediately at the sound of the plans.

So that is what she did, after giving her long term boyfriend a few more kisses she marched to the bathroom, turned the water on to get the perfect temperature while she got undressed, when she felt the dizziness. That one was new, sure she was exhausted, but she had made sure to keep herself hydrated and well fed, even when she had to give her snacks away to her kids.

Getting a grip on the counter to keep her balanced, y/n took three deep breaths until the room stopped spinning “fuck” she sighed kneeling to look through the drawers to find the vitamins she had been taking lately.

There it was. A couple of unpacked pregnancy tests that Grayson bought the first time they actually though she could be pregnant. What if she was pregnant now? Wait, when did she get her period last month? Did she even get it? FUCK.

Her heart was beating like crazy in anticipation with the idea of being actually pregnant, could it actually be?

The box slipped from her hands, they were shaky, it fell into the sink. The sound of the water in the shower still running was making her lose her mind, so she turned it off as if that was going to help her think more clearly, but it only helped her to hear the terrible singing coming from Grayson in the kitchen.

“Gray?” y/n kept her tone calmed as she shamelessly opened the door, still completely naked.

“YEA?” of course he was so invested in his cooking to even leave the kitchen.

“Can you come for a second please?” next thing she knows Grayson appears at the end of the hallway, wiggling his eyebrows at the sight of his naked girlfriend “no, this is not for shower sex, change that face” they both chuckled, but there was still lust in Grayson’s eyes.

“You sure? Cause I can put the dinner on pause fo-“

“My period is late” she cut him off showing him the box she had on her hand.

Grayson’s face changed drastically. His eyes went wide as they looked from the pregnancy test box to y/n and vice versa. His thoughts were racing, a thousand miles per hour, that was a lot even for his usual self, what if this was finally the time? For some reason he had gotten used to see all those tests come up negative so it didn’t even cross his mind that y/n could be pregnant.

“Do you think-? I mean, could it be-?” he kept rephrasing what he wanted to say because he had no clue what to say “have you taken it already?”

She just shook her head, that was the reason why she had called him. The first though had been ‘just take it and move on’ but then all the little things like the extra tiredness, the missing period, her weirdly enhanced smelling, what if… what if this was finally the moment they didn’t know they had been waiting for?

With a quick move Grayson took the box from her hand, opening it heretically due to the nervousness of the moment. After what felt longer than it had actually been he pulled the single stick from the box and the wrapping plastic, handing y/n the predictor.

“What?” the question came out a little harsh, but Grayson was a nervous mess and y/n was staring at him, not saying or doing anything, which made it harder for the man to control himself.

“Well if you leave maybe I can pee” that was the only reason y/n was standing there without saying a word, she was waiting for him to leave the bathroom “you know my pee is shy”

“oh god” he shook his head with a chuckle, feeling a little more relaxed, but obeying her orders and closing the bathroom door after him “let me know when you finish!” he exclaimed from outside after a minute waiting for the door to open up again.

It happened, the door opened right after he said that. Grayson noticed how y/n was wearing a bathrobe now and the pregnancy test was laying on the counter with the little screen facing down so they couldn’t see the result until they decided to.

“Could you be any more impatient?”

“I could try” his eyes flying from the stick to her face “You just pee too slow” and with that he walked into the bathroom, sat on the closed toilet and reached out for her to grab his hand.

When she did so he pulled from it and brought her closer, placing her on his lap and kissing her forehead instinctively, a sheepishly grin appearing on her lips as she leaned her head on his shoulder.

“are you nervous?” the answer to that question was obvious, but she still asked.

“Yea” it took him a few seconds to tell her how he was feeling because he needed to process it and understand it first “I don’t want it to come up negative again, but I don’t know how I’d feel if it comes up positive either” that was a very understandable reasoning, y/n felt the exact same way and the mix of feelings made her sick to her stomach.

“Whatever happens” y/n pulled back to look at him, who was observing her with curiosity, but her pause was being prolonged because playing with his hair seem to be more interesting for her “I got you” she finally added, her eyes gluing to Grayson’s, whose eyes where full of love and admiration for the girl in front of him.

The hand he had resting on her thigh moved up to cup her cheek, his thumb rubbing the soft skin before leaning in to connect their lips in a deep and loving kiss “I love you so much” he whispered when they pulled apart.

That intimate moment was interrupted by the alarm y/n had set to know when the result should be showing in the stick. She reached to grab her phone and turn the thing off before she felt the need of throwing the thing against the wall, it made the nerves to come back stronger.

Instead of doing that and breaking her phone she decided to set it at a good height in front of them and press the button to let the thing start filming, if it was positive she wanted the reaction on video.

“you ready?” she asked grabbing his hand and helping him stand up next to her.

“I don’t know how to answer that question” he sighed, waiting for her to grab the stick.

Y/n took a deep breath and turn the thing around, her eyes going wide at the sight of a plus symbol on the digital screen. Her initial and irrational reaction was to throw the pregnancy test in the air, taking a quick step back.

“Y/n!” Grayson complained going to grab it back from the sink to take a better look at it since he wasn’t sure if he had seen correctly. But he had, his mind wasn’t tricking him, that in front of him was a positive pregnancy test and the shocked girl next to him was indeed very pregnant “Y/N YOU’RE PREGNANT!” this time his tone was one of excitement and he was being so loud that probably the neighbors would hear “WE’RE HAVING A BABY!”

“Are we really?” her shaky voice giving away how emotional she was feeling as the tears build up in her eyes.

“YES! YES! WE ARE REALLY GONNA HAVE A BABY!” Grayson had tears in his eyes too, happy tears.

He didn’t know how to describe how he was feeling at that exact moment, before he thought he would be so scared about the future if the test came up positive, but his genuine reaction said it all. He was thrilled to be a dad, he had always dreamed of that day and now it was closer than ever before.

Y/n was still having a hard time believing it was true, so Grayson handed her the stick, not letting go of her hands in case she threw it up in the air again “It’s positive” she chuckled through the tears.

That’s when he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting y/n into the air and spinning her around the bathroom, he had so much new found energy he felt like jumping all around the house, but he also wanted to squeeze y/n so hard that she could feel the euphoria running through his veins.

“WE’RE HAVING A BABY!” the realization finally hit her and now she was also talking way too loud, matching Grayson’s excitement.

With a last spin, Grayson set y/n down back on the floor, this time grabbing her face and leaving a bunch of kisses all over, felling her laughing under his touch “I love you so fucking much it’s ridiculous” he was out of breath.

“I love you more, you idiot” she smiled, wiping the remaining tears left.

“Wait, but we’re not ready, we need baby clothes, a crib, blan-“

“Grayson we have enough time to prepare, like eight months” y/n cut him off while grabbing her phone to stop the recording, she had forgotten about it.

“WE GOTTA TELL ETHAN!” back to be super excited again. Y/n felt like there was going to be a lot of mood swings the next few months and not only her mood swings, but Grayson’s.

“Go call him” he didn’t need to be told a second time, he was already running through the hallway “BUT DON’T TELL HIM OVER THE PHONE, TELL HIM TO COME HERE” she added, knowing the high chances of Grayson just telling everyone right the second he got a hold of them.

[v-hope]

Time

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x Reader

Genre: Fluff, angst, a sprinkle of smut

Word Count: 1.8k

Request: "Are requests still open? Omg I hope they are 😭 Merry Christmas sweets 🎅 Can I request a Tae imagine where he feels guilty for being busy all the time and not able to spend time with his s/o but she comforts him? Add a sprinkle of smut please? ;) Stay warm and hydrated 💘"

A/N: Although the plot doesn't revolve around Tae's birthday, I want to dedicate this to him in this special day and I hope my precious baby gets all the love and praise he deserves in the world uwu. Also, I don't really write smut so idk if this is what you were looking for but I hope it's okay lol I'm sorry (I'm a sweet child of God).

Gif from @fqkelove (weheartit).

Letting himself inside your place with the spare key you had given him a few months ago, Taehyung made his way to your room, where you were just buttoning up your blouse, almost ready to head out.

“Hey” he smiled softly, chastely kissing your lips, “you look beautiful”.

Those simple words that had so naturally and sincerely left his mouth brought some heat to your cheeks. Mumbling a quiet ‘thank you’, your eyes followed his figure to your bed, where he lied down as he watched you get ready.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Just out with some friends. I don't really know what the plan is, to be honest” you laughed lightly, making him smile. “Shouldn't you be at practice?” you questioned, going to apply some perfume.

“I have to head out to the studio in like an hour” he informed you, “so I thought I could just hang out in here for a while…”

“Of course” you nodded, “I have to meet the guys in about thirty minutes, though, so we could head out together? Is it okay with you to leave half an hour earlier?”

Taehyung gave you a nod, but there was something about his aura, not even his expression, that let you know there was something bothering him.

And as you were about to ask him about it, he beat you to it, opening up to you like he knew he always could.

“Actually, I– um…” you motioned with your head for him to continue, “my original idea was to ditch practice and stay in with you” he sheepishly admitted, “but it was before I knew about you having plans. I want you to go have fun with your friends”.

Your heart skipped a beat, because, first, Taehyung never missed practice, and second, the fact that he was willing to do so just to be with you meant the whole world to you. But, as much as you loved his intentions, you knew there must have been something upsetting him for him to make such decision.

“Tae, is everything alright?”

“Yeah” he was quick to reply. Just like always, showing you a beautiful smile.

Not believing him, you made your way to your bed, crawling on it so you could reach his side.

“Tell me”.

“Y/N” he sighed, “it's okay, really”.

“Baby…”

Gazing up in an attempt of collecting his thoughts, he shook his head; letting his walls down yet not being able to look you in the eye. “Are you happy with me?”

Okay, he was definitely not alright.

“What?”

“Are you?” he urged, this time locking his eyes with yours.

“Of course!” you answered without a doubt, “I am the happiest I've ever been” your hands cupped his face, “why would you even think otherwise?”

“I just… I overheard some people…”

“What people?” you frowned.

He shrugged. “Some guys from the staff” he furrowed his eyebrows, looking almost in pain, “and they were talking about how beautiful, funny and smart you are, which honestly is nothing but facts so I thought nothing of it, but then they said that they didn't get how you were with me” you felt your blood boil – were they fucking serious? “because I barely have time for you and that makes me a pretty shitty boyfriend... but I promise you I will try harder, because I swear I hadn't seen that befo–”

“Because it is not true!” you exasperatedly protested.

“No, but I can see it now, Y/N. I do” he stated, suddenly looking guilty. “You deserve so much better than what I can give you. You deserve someone who can always make time for you and be there for you, and I'm just too selfish to give you up... They.... They're right, you know?” his lower lip trembled. “And then they said something that kinda made me laugh at first because of how ridiculous I thought it was, but the more I thought about it, the more it started to make sense and I just...”

“What'd they say?”

He hesitated. “That you'll probably get lonely at some point and they'll–”

“Okay, no” you cut him off, “I know where this is going to and I am stopping you right there” you sat up straight, being followed by him. “Believe me when I say, Kim Taehyung, that I am so, so fucking happy with you” your determined words brought some peace to both his heart and mind. “And those guys?” you scrunched your face in disgust, “I have no idea who they are, but they know nothing about us and they have no right whatsoever to get a say on us. I am more than okay with the time we spend together. Yes, maybe sometimes I wish I could see you more often, because if it were up to me, I'd be with you every freaking day” he chuckled wholeheartedly, because, in all honesty, so would he, “but I don't feel lonely at all. And even if I did… Tae, I love you too much to even think about going to someone else–”

“I'm not saying you would…” he interrupted you this time, “I know you would never do such thing to me, but…” he let out a shaky breath, “maybe you'd turn to a friend, without other intentions, and then you'd realise they're much better for you... and I wouldn't blame you at all, but I just– It terrifies me. I can't let that happen, Y/N”.

“It won't happen. Ever” you cupped his face once again, resting your forehead on his. He closed his eyes at your familiar touch. “I know how busy your schedule is, you're an idol, for crying out loud! But no matter what, you always make time for me, even if you don't see it like I do. Just these little visits you pay me, even if it's just an hour, show me how much you want this to work. And that's enough for me” you smiled, kissing his nose. “I love you, okay?” you whispered, "don't let some stupid people make you doubt what we have".

The corner of his lips quirked slightly up, nodding his head. You had told him just what he needed to hear the most.

“I love you, too” he whispered back, making the corners of your lips curve up.

“So please get it into your head that what I feel for you will never change, not even because of your tight schedule” you reassured him once again. “I mean, I'm in too deep. I love everything about you”.

“You do?”

You gave him a nod. “You want me to make a list?”

At his silence and lowered glance, you decided to do so.

“I love your dark eyes, I love your powerful eyebrows” he couldn't help but giggle at that, making your heart jump. “I love that cute little mole on the tip of your nose” you poked it, “I love your sense of humour and your laugh. Don't even get me started on that so damn precious boxy smile you're showing me right now” you playfully warned him, only making it grow brighter. “I love your mind... the way you make me feel…” your voice got lower as your eyes fixed on his mouth, “I love your lips…”

Taehyung realised what was happening – his eyes travelling from your eyes to your lips in a second, and softly pressing his against them. Your point had been clear, and he wanted nothing but to kiss the one person he loved the most in the world and he knew loved him back just the same.

Not deepening the kiss just yet, he pulled your body towards his, making you sit on his lap without even dreaming of breaking the kiss, and wrapping his arms around your back to press you closer to him.

“What else do you love?” he wondered in a cocky, even lower tone, shifting his hips up so you could fully feel what you were starting to cause to him.

“I think you know very well what else I love” you purred, kissing him one last time before you pulled away. “Which reminds me” you wrapped your arms tightly around his neck, “why would I go to someone else when I have a man who satisfies me just enough, and even more, I would say, in every possible way?”

Taehyung chuckled – his mouth immediately going to slowly suck at the nape of your neck. “Oh, do I now?” he hummed.

“Mhm…” you tilted your head, giving him more access to the spot he was teasing.

“Even if we don't always have as much time as we'd like to?”

You bit your lip – making him raise his head to meet his eyes before you cupped his face. “We have time now, don't we?”

Not even a second passed when his lips were already moving against yours in a way he let you know just how much he needed you right then.

You pushed your body further down against his, looking for closeness, and that's when he slowly let his body fall down to lie his back on your bed – his hands moving from your back to your hips, where he placed them firmly and tugged down at them to create the friction both of you so desperately needed.

Right as a moan escaped your mouth, making his bulge become harder than you already felt it, you felt something else by your left thigh – and it actually took you both quite a few seconds to acknowledge it was his buzzing phone.

“Ignore it” he growled against your mouth, biting on your lip to keep you from breaking away.

For a moment there, you did, as you got lost in his heavy breathing while you planted a trail of open mouth kisses down his neck – your hips still softly moving back and forth on his member.

But then it started buzzing again.

He sighed in frustration when you lost your touch on him, signaling for him to pick it up. You thought he'd do so when you saw him reach into his pocket to take his mobile out, which is why you tried to get off his lap. Much to your surprise, he held you down and in your place with his free hand – his eyes darkening for a second before he focused them on his phone. And then, he turned it off, throwing it to the other side of the bed.

Not wasting any other second, the hand that had previously been on your thighs went to your back – turning you around so now he was on top of you and pressing his clothed lenght in between your legs.

He smirked at the sound that had just escaped your throat, leaning in once more to taste your mouth. “You didn't think I'd actually answer, did you?” he teased as his hands worked on your blouse.

“Oh, I wouldn't know” you giggled, “because you should be at practise after all. Shouldn't you, Kim Taehyung?”

“Shouldn't you be meeting your friends, baby girl?” he bit your earlobe.

It was only then you remembered about your previous plans for the day – your jaw falling slightly open at that realisation.

Oh well, it was too late now anyway to do anything about it, wasn't it?

“I guess we really are that couple, huh?”

Taehyung went back to capture your lower lip in between his – taking his sweet time with you. After all, time had never really been an issue to you all along.

“And I wouldn't have it any other way”.

[jess-do-it]

(Transcribed w/ Permission from @jessfromonline) Thread: Many people are now out on the streets for the first time. as such, let's talk very basic, everyone should know this, 'this should be general and not sensitive knowledge' protest, action, and street tactics. let's get organized and be effective!

Source: https://mobile.twitter.com/jessfromonline/status/1268620358950649858

(Note: I am not this person, this is a transcript of their twitter thread I made with their permission)

Have a protest buddy. do not go to a protest without a buddy. preferably have a crew. 

if you have a crew, it should still be split into buddies. crews should choose a spoke (spokesperson) who calls movements and communicates with people.

if you have a large crew, you should have a spoke + lieutenants/LTs/whatever you wanna call them. their job is disseminating calls but more importantly, to track the people grouped under them. when shit pops off, it's easy to lose people. LTs watch to see if anyone in their subgroup is missing, and spoke checks for the LTs. a system of accountability. STILL buddy up in subgroups. 

If you've got a good bloc on the ground, you can call 'spokes' to get a spokes council together and make larger decisions about what to do.

Your crew should have a basic, 1-syllable, generic word, that changes at every action, which you can call and each crew member replies with the word. feels dorky but worth it. arrange all this ahead of time. this allows you to quickly count your crew & check no one dropped.

You should have an offsite person, preferably two. Here is a guide for doing offsite.

designate 1-2 comms people. they have phones and retrieve info on cop movements from offsite via signal. on a vpn, burner phone if you can.

ideally no one besides comms should have a phone on them. easier to track. tradeoff: if you lose someone makes it harder to figure out what happened. consider battery-out phones for non-comms people. 

write a number for legal support hotline in your area on body in sharpie

Before a protest, work out with your crew what your risk levels are. you can have different levels but try to avoid buddying across levels. will you brawl with fash? cops? risk arrest? loot? burn? graffiti? dont make those decisions in the moment.

I have no easy advice for what happens if you lose someone. have comms immediately report to off-site who can try to track them down. if you're large you can send an lt+subgroup to look, but they may have just gotten out and left. they could be arrested or with medics. off-site can start checking jails and hospitals for them. see off-site guide for what info you need for this and how to collect. if you have better advice for when people drop unexpectedly, put it in the replies.

Never talk to cops never talk to cops never talk to cops never talk to cops. if you're arrested dont talk. if they approach you during dont talk. you can yell harassment but dont do it once you're arrested. you can sing if you want. group singing in jails keeps spirits up. (Singing is a super spreading activity for covid, pointed out at end of this thread).

If you can, know your local PD. some departments publish whitepapers on their tactics. talk to local protest veterans in your area to learn about what your city's cops do. every area is difference and this can make the different between success or failure.

Use all the gear you got. helmet, goggles, gloves, umbrella, etc. carry water if you can (ONLY ONLY WATER TO FLUSH EYES. ONLY.) you gotta stay hydrated too. generic clothes, packs, etc. if possible. more common the better. Don't carry too heavy but it's really worth it. helmets feel ridiculous? you'll regret not taking it when you take a round to the head.

Consider having handles for your crew. it's a lot better to yell someone's handle than their name when you need their attention. Handles should be short (1-2 syllables) and minimally linked to the person. practice using only a person's handle. let's move on to broader thinking (might jump back if i think of stuff)

Situational awareness. you can practice this all the time but it's v important during an action. What are your exits? have they changed? what are your numbers vs. their's? what's their posture? what's behind, in front, sides? what gear to they have? re-evaluate constantly. i'm going to say it again. exits exits exits. where can your crew go if it gets too hot. if you dont have a clear exit try to move as soon as possible.

Extending on that: police will often try to kettle, aka surround you and trap you in. keep the bloc moving to the cops' weakest side to avoid a kettle. don't be afraid to tell people what to do. they'll thank you if you avoid a kettle. move without em if you have to but dont isolate your crew too much or you're easy to pick off and arrest. Also, be careful: cops may take advantage of this to get you to slowly push farther and farther from your objectives. sometimes you gotta stand your ground. know your numbers and know your strategy. sometimes it's time to stay. a spokes-council might be able to decide. talk about this ahead of time.

Don't yell where the exit is with cops around, but do disseminate it in a crowd. your crew, minimum, must always know.

Keep your crew looking in all directions and regularly switching. dont get snuck up on.

Don't get picked off. cops will arrest 1 person quicker than 10, 50. non-covid times, the advice is to "tighten up!" the bloc, so they cant snatch and grab. YMMV during these times. evaluated based on the situation.

Banners rule for this. theyre not just propaganda. if you have a heavy banner (tarp, etc.) in the front, they can't as easily grab through and arrest. stay behind it if you can. 

Learn to communicate clearly and tersely under pressure. people underestimate this skill. you dont need 'please' or extra words.  Don't chatter. learn to give a 'sitrep' (situational report) in which you report all the info from 16. spokes, ask you LTs for sitreps. give them when new folks arrive.

Back to the individual: if you can't keep up, DON'T GO. hard lesson to learn. as a person with chronic digestive issues, i've fucked this up. if you're incapacitated you're a liability. consider learning to run offsite, or going to less intense actions. know what to expect based on recent police activity, level of risk planned for the action, the capabilities of your crew, etc. i know you might feel obligated to be in the streets but if your crew has to care or slow down for you instead of acting, that's hurting not helping. but try not to let this discourage you from trying if you can. unless you're sure with your health and/or fitness you can't, it is good to try. we need numbers. but dont push yourself when you cant. there's more to the work than the streets.

Dont share unconfirmed info. dont repeat info from people you dont trust. ive seen so many actions where someone thinks they see a cop and then everyone is yelling "cop" and freaked out and scattering and theres no cop. be careful. misinfo is worse than no info.

Some of this is gonna feel ridiculous and tryhard. being good at this takes trying hard. be vulnerable and push your crew to do this. you'll be safer and more effective because you do.

Eat well, plenty of protein rich food the day before. hydrate well day of. physical condition matters for this.

Sometimes you gotta pee. you can pee in an empty bottle, or you can pee on the ground. MANY people wear diapers. this isnt the time for shame. do what you need.

When you gotta do something like pee, change, sometimes even drink, if you're in bloc, you gotta hide. get to the center of the bloc if you can. call 'cover me' or 'flag' (if the crowd has flags) and they'll wrap you. kneel and do what you gotta do.

Some of this advice is for when you have a coherent bloc, but there's been less of those in this round of protests. still, keep it in mind.

If you're in bloc, consider bringing generic clothes to change into in a bag. gym clothes and local team sportwear are great. either do 28 and slip out somewhere under cover, or scatter and hide, and change in your hiding place. bring a bag to put your bag in.

How are you getting in and out? can you pay for public transit in cash (this still means being on cameras, keep your hat down)? can someone drive you in (drop off far, so they cant see plates)? lock up your bike somewhere?

This is counter-intuitive, but unless it's a covert action, where your goal is to get in and out without ever being noticed, keep your ID and a bit of cash in your pocket. ID will get you in and out of jail faster. again: NOT FOR COVERT ACTIONS. and dont drop it.

Try to know your success and failure conditions before your crew goes out. when is it no longer worth it and time to bail? what are you trying to accomplish and how do you know you're doing so? try to create criteria if you can

in large, multi-site protests like we're seeing rn, if all you're doing is occupying cops, you're helping a lot. standoffs mean they arent somewhere else. looting they HAVE to respond to because property > people for cops. small groups can make big differences here.

Share your sitreps with other spokes if you can. if you notice a kettle, tell everybody and try to move everyone. have some chutzpah: you can do it.

DON'T LEAD PEOPLE INTO FENCED IN PARKS OR ENCLOSED ALLEYS PLEASE JUST DON'T PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU. HAVE MANY EXITS.

Consider carrying print maps of the area. dont mark them with objectives in case they get taken. review maps of the area ahead of time.

We already talked offsite and comms, i won't cover offsite much here, read the guide

Scouts! a good scout team is invaluable. especially bike scouts. get a signal chat and people on bikes in strategic locations reporting movements.

Don’t put everybody in the scouts chat. keep a few offsite people reading the scout chat and relaying in to comms people.

If somebody gets arrested that you're in a chat with, put 'dead the chat' and everybody should immediately leaved. someone should contact the person that killed the chat to find out who got picked up and exclude them from the new chat.

If y'all are super coordinated and have a ton of planning (not happening much right now) consider having a marshal in charge of calling moves for the whole bloc. spokes-council should still be convened and can challenge, but even the spanish anarchists elected military officials. in the field, you need a chain of command to operate quickly and effectively and outcompete cops.

Read this thread. remember, you dont have to be able to go toe-to-toe with cops. you just have to make your group not worth the consequences of dealing with.

Where are you going when the protest/action is done? are you all rallying at one point? have a plan.

Everyone check in with offsite when you get back. you all need to know everyone got home safe, or start checking jails/hospitals.

Offsite should know who is organizing jail support so they can pass that off when needed.

This is all easier if you know folks ahead of time.  show up to your local left orgs. even if it doesn't feel like you're doing a lot yet, those relationships matter.

WHITE PEOPLE: put yourself between police and people of color. they are much less likely to be as brutal with you. this should be established policy in your crew, esp if your crew is (as it ideally should be, if not ask why) multiracial.

WHITE PEOPLE: while Black opinion isnt a monolith & you dont have to regard the scolding of every Black liberal (see thread): if there are Black people/other people of color around and they're not escalating tactics, you shouldnt be unless its agreed. See this thread.

What does your crew and your bloc do if someone is injured? for some blocs, if medics have them, you leave them behind with medics and keep moving. it can be bad to jeopardize and trap the whole bloc for one person who is with medics who they are gonna be with anyway. on the OTHER hand, some blocs reasonably dont want to leave anyone behind and want to stay to cover people with medics (police sometimes respect medic neutrality, sometimes don't.) most important is: KNOW WHICH Y'ALL ARE DOING. DONT WAFFLE BACK & FORTH, DONT SPLIT THE BLOC.

Quick addition cuz it shouldn't be missing: if you're carrying a phone dont have touch ID on your phone, police can legally compel you to activate touch ID but they can't compel a password. also turn off location services and wifi unless you absolutely need them.

diff cops have diff legal options as well! in the middle of old city in philly, there's a federal park with park rangers. if they nab you, it's probably a federal charge, way worse. we're more scared of the rangers lol. know local uniforms if you can.

While we're here, some other extremely useful threads:

buying shit and not getting caught

riot control projectiles

take shifts! i didn't think to include it because it's longer term, but it's vital. we've certainly been dealing with it in philly.

this is a good COVID-19 specific tip. need to be a lot more careful about singing in custody during the pandemic.

having regular check-in times with offsite are a good idea

there's 50 tips for being effective in the street. might come back and add more later. i'm not the 'expert' and YMMV and you can disagree and your city might operate differently. that said:

i can tell you these are learned lessons from years out there & if you use them you'll do a lot, lot better than if you dont. you and your crew will be safer, and youll achieve your objectives more often. ounce of prevention worth a pound of cure. put in the work, and let's win.

---

End transcript. People should take a look at that thread because it is being constantly updated with a lot of good information. Stay safe out there and fight this shit.

Source: https://mobile.twitter.com/jessfromonline/status/1268620358950649858

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 37

Hope

My lips curled into the lightest, most genuine smile and my heart fluttered as it filled with more love than I thought possible. The little picture nestled safely between the tips of my fingers captured my attention and I stared down at it proudly. Destani and Tawny were both at my side, waiting patiently for me to have my moment… because they knew how much this meant to me. This was only the third visit, far less than the amount of times I should have been for how far along I was, but I was here… and happy to be.

The ultrasound technician had just finished wiping the cold gel from my belly and after she finished idling the machine, she swiveled around to face me in her chair and smiled.

“As I said earlier, baby is doing wonderfully… a bit underweight by about one pound, but that’s because mommy hasn’t been following her diet plan accordingly.” Her smile was playful as was the tone of her voice, but there was an underlying and unmistakable seriousness swathing her words. She was right… I hadn’t been doing what I was supposed to do during this pregnancy. It’s not like I was completely neglecting myself or the baby, I just… could have been doing more to prepare. I was never much of an unhealthy eater and I’d always been very conscious of my weight, preferring a good workout here or there, and since I’d learned of the pregnancy I definitely hadn’t touched a drink or smoked. But, after the talk I’d had with Destani less than a week ago, I knew it was time for me to fully acknowledge this pregnancy because I couldn’t afford not to.

“Because you are now twenty weeks along, which puts you in your second trimester…, we would generally only require monthly appointments. But until we can get both you and baby back on track weight wise, I’d like to see you weekly until we get to your third trimester. That should give you plenty of time to meet with the nutritionist as I recommended. And remember water Sy’Diyah… lots and lots of water, okay?”

Dr. Carolson was perhaps one of the sweetest people I’d ever met with a voice even sweeter. Every time she spoke, she never failed to make me feel like I was the most important person in her life. I didn’t know where she went to school, but wherever it was… they taught her right! Though it was a lot to take in, I nodded to confirm that I understood what she’d just said then held onto her wrists when she stepped forward to pull me into an upright position.

“And do me just one more favor Sy’Diyah,” Peering up at her, I kept my lips sealed as I waited for her to continue, “Get some rest. I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but… rest and hydration are key. Don’t neglect those two things, not only for the baby… but for yourself.”

“Yes ma’am… I’ll try.” I said with a smile. Smiling in return, she bid us all adieu then quietly slipped out of the room to give me time to resituate myself.

“Well… how do you feel?” Tawny asked.

“I feel fine… why? Do I look bad?” After the little chat with the doctor, I couldn’t help but feel paranoid about how I looked… physically. According to her, I hadn’t gained more than two pounds since the beginning of this pregnancy and the baby was underweight by one pound. The moment she explained that to me, I knew there had to be a vast change, and soon.

“No, no… you look fine. Amazing actually… you have that glow that I always hear people talking about with pregnant women.” She laughed.

“You’re exaggerating. Nothing about me is glowing… it’s probably just nervous sweat.” I giggled.

Both her and Destani broke out into laughter, instantly causing me to burst into full blown laughter as well.

“Girl that ain’t no sweat… you really do have a glow to you. Like… your skin radiates. I mean it could just be because you moisturized real good today… but I choose to believe it’s the pregnancy thing.” Destani said through her continuous laughter.

Easing down off the front of the small, narrow bed with the compulsory help of Tawny, while Destani stood off to the side totting my cross body purse like a personal shelf, I reached for it from her and carefully slung it off my right shoulder.

“Well, I guess we should get going now. Time won’t be slowing down anytime soon.” I said with a defeated sigh.

Besides one of only a few visits to my ob-gyn, today would also be the lucky day that I presented my dad with the news… accompanied by a rather obvious baby bump. I’d met with Dr. Yates recently, because she thought it very imperative to keep in contact with me in Chris’s absence, and she made an awkward mention of how petite I was… and that I was all belly. That was just another cake topper to add to what the doctor said today… I now felt completely compelled to get my head in this pregnancy and put on some serious pounds.

Tawny had happily offered to drive us to the house and of course both her and Destani were thrilled to be right by my side when I revealed this news to my dad. While they were both somehow confident that he wouldn’t freak out when I told him, I was currently in the front passenger seat, quite frankly shitting bricks because I was so nervous. With luck on my side, I woke up to a weather forecast that said today would be a bit cooler than normal and I pounced on the opportunity to throw on a sweater. As of now, it was hard to tell there was anything going on underneath the thick material… but with the way I could feel myself sweating from anxiety, I just knew I would tell on myself before I even got a chance to open my mouth.

Forty-five minutes flew by like five and before I knew it, Tawny was shutting off the ignition of the car, snapping me out of my long lost daze. I stared up at the front of the immaculate house and swore that the gulp of spit I’d just swallowed could be heard clearly by all the occupants of the car.

“Well… you ready?” Tawny asked, looking over at me. I could feel her looking through my peripheral, but… I refused to face her. Just like I almost refused to get out of the car.

“Babe, you ain’t slick… you can’t stay in here forever. Might as well get out now and get this over with.” Destani chimed in from the back seat.

My hands were planted against the lower half of my round belly as I continued to quietly stare ahead and I flinched when my door suddenly opened against my will.

“Come on mama, it’s kinda chilly out here.” Destani muttered, wrapping an arm around her torso to keep her cardigan shut to truly emphasize just how cool it indeed was. I released a sigh and turned my body so that I could ease my way out. She stood there smirking as she watched me struggle, but she didn’t bother to reach in to help pull me out. If nothing else, I’d made it very clear to her, Tawny, Cammie, and Angel that I didn’t need anyone to help me with anything… at any time. I wasn’t disabled and I didn’t need anyone’s sympathy. And though I would probably never tell any of them… it was hard enough for me to do this on my own without Chris, and it was even harder imaging anyone else stepping up to help me through this other than him. I was determined to make this work by myself until he could come back to me and secretly, I think the girls were already aware of that.

Shutting the door behind myself, I breathed a sigh of pure fear when I heard the alarm beep, confirming that there was no way I could suddenly change my mind and hop back in to avoid this inevitable conversation. The beep did more than lock the car though… it signaled to at least one if not all of the inhabitants of the house that they had a visitor and of course, I watched through horrorstricken eyes as the large front door glided open and out walked Diana.

“Girls! I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages!” She beamed like a giddy little girl. Not even bothering to give us time to meet her on the porch, she walked swiftly down the steps and met us in front of the car to greet us. Starting with Tawny who stood closest to her, she wrapped her in a back-cracking embrace that had me shying away from her… if she hugged me that tight, it would take her only seconds to feel the firm bump beneath my sweater.

She moved onto Destani next and before I had any time to prepare, she was standing in front of me.

“Ooooh sweetie, what have you been bathing in? You’re glowing!” Her arms were wrapping me up and just as she stepped forward to pull me in tighter, I heard a man shouting from what sounded like the porch of the house.

“Aww D, I thought you’d wait til the girls got in the house for all the mushy stuff. It’s cold out here… let them come in and warm up!” It was my dad, aka my current personal savior. Diana giggled and immediately pulled away from me, slipping an arm around the back of my shoulders instead and gently pushing me forward toward the house.

“Oh hush up James, I’m just so excited to see all my girls!” She beamed excitedly. In a little bundled group, we all made our way up to the porch and I made it a point to quickly greet my dad with a one arm side hug. He seemed more than delighted to reciprocate the action and after scurrying off behind Tawny and Destani, he shut the door and trailed behind us toward the kitchen. The most delightful odors wafted all throughout the lower level of the house because it wouldn’t be Diana’s nature to not cook, but in an instant I knew I could only sit there for so long ingesting the aromas. I became queasy and swore my stomach was doing backflips the closer we got to the kitchen and by the time we were completely inside, I took one deep breath then as calmly as I could I excused myself from the group and slipped around the corner into the hall. I bolted as fast as my feet would carry me to the bathroom at the end of the hall because I didn’t want to risk vomiting my life away in the powder room close to the kitchen. I wasn’t ready to give myself away just yet.

I was on my knees in front of the toilet for all of three minutes before taking a few big gulps of air to calm myself. I’d almost become a pro at this and though I coughed a few times during the process, I didn’t even dry heave nor did my eyes water as they often did in my first trimester. Flushing the toilet and making sure to check the surroundings of it to ensure I hadn’t left behind any evidence, I quickly rinsed my mouth and swished around a bit of mouth wash from beneath the counter. Less than a minute later, I was on my way back down the hall and back in the kitchen like I’d only stepped away for a moment to relieve my bladder like a normal person.

Destani and Tawny both held questioning stares, but I smiled warmly and made my way onto a barstool right between the two without missing a beat.

“Sy, I was just telling the girls that I decided to whip up some broccoli cheddar soup and chicken panini sandwiches because it’s so chilly out today. I figured it would warm you girls up just right.” Diani smiled as she stirred a large pot of the soup. I could feel frown lines creasing into my forehead, but I caught myself before she turned to face me and smiled at her… when in reality the thought of the green vegetable that I’d once loved being mixed in with the soup, left me with the urge to bolt back down to the bathroom.

“That sounds delicious!” I exclaimed with false enthusiasm.

“Well, what have you girls been up to these days?” My dad asked. One thing about Diana that I guess I could say that I admired was that she was a very traditional and classy woman and whether it was breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner… she made it a point to have the table set and ready for it’s occupants… always. As he spoke, my dad also multitasked by pulling casual glass cups and plates from a cabinet to set out on the table. We tried to offer our assistance, but he quickly and humbly turned us down.

“Not much, just partying… and drinking.” Destani said with a smirk. Tawny snickered mischievously and I cut my eyes at the duo, forcing myself to keep my lips sealed.

“Oh really?” He asked with a raised brow and a smirk that challenged hers.

They stared each other down for all of five seconds before Destani caved and cackled loudly “Nah, you know I’m just foolin’ Mr. D. We haven’t been doing much at all… literally. Always got our head in the books… you know.”

“Mmhm, that’s what I thought. You girls know better.” He tried to remain stern, but his voice cracked and he eventually ended up chuckling as he set the final plate out on the table and moved toward the fridge to retrieve a pitcher of sweet tea.

“And you Ms. Tawny… you been partying and drinking too?” He asked.

Peering at Destani from the corner of her eye, Tawny straightened her posture and cleared her throat “Actually… I’ve just been riding in cars… with boys.”

The entire kitchen washed over in a layer of the most awkward silence and we all eyed Tawny until she slapped a hand up over her mouth and burst into laughter… she was just so naively adorable sometimes.

“Girl, you are something else. Come over here and grab this platter and stop worrying about boys.” Diana giggled. Doing as her mother said, Tawny slipped off the side of her stool and made her way around to the counter beside the massive stove to grab a plate full of the panini sandwiches… all while snickering as if she’d told the greatest joke. My dad followed suit by retrieving the steaming bowl of soup Diana had just poured into a glass bowl and I made it a point to grab a heat resistant mat on the opposite side of the stove to place under the glass. After Destani gathered a few utensils from Diana, she too made her way to the table and we all got ourselves situated in our respective seats. My dad instructed us to bow our heads for grace and after a quick minute of blessing the food, we dug right in. As carefully and nonchalantly as I could, I dipped the ladle into the big bowl of soup and maneuvered my way around the stray pieces of broccoli in it… because even the sight of them had my stomach churning.

“Well what about you Sy?” Diana asked suddenly as we all clattered about, preparing each of our plates. My brows shot up with surprise and I turned to face her, confused by her abrupt question.

“While Destani has been getting all drunk at these parties and Tawny has been riding around being fast in these cars with boys, what have you been up to?” Diana giggled. We all laughed then… them because I’m sure what she’d just said was quite funny… and me, because I was still stuck on the question of what had I been up to. The laughter died down and, eventually… I had to gather my thoughts and jump right into my confession…

“Um… well… I had a doctor’s appointment today before we came here.” I half state, half mumbled.

“Oh really, you aren’t getting sick are you?” My dad asked calmly… because he had no clue I was only minutes away from changing his life.

“No… no…” I was still mumbling and trying to prolong the inevitable. I just couldn’t bring myself to come right out and say it. There were occasional glances from Tawny and Destani and I was sure they were both expecting me to just blurt it out… but, I couldn’t.

“Hm. Well what type of appointment did you have, if you don’t mind me asking?” Diana asked politely. I almost laughed at her question… almost. I knew she wanted to be nosy and pry, but after the meltdown I’d had only after a few days of knowing the lady all because she decided to question me personally, I figured she wanted to be as careful as possible when questioning me… even though I swore I would never freak out on her the way I did. So I did indeed almost laugh… but my nerves were too rattled to do such a thing.

“I met with my obstetrician…” I mumbled, praying by some miracle they hadn’t heard me. But they did… loud and clear… because the room was so silent when I spoke… and it was even more silent after I finished.

I kept my head tilted forward and my eyes on the bowl of soup in front of me that I never planned on eating and I tried to ignore both of their piercing stares. That one question lingered silently in the air around us though… what in the world would I be meeting with an obstetrician for?

“Sy’Diyah, what…” My dad started, but with the way my heart was thudding in my chest and my breathing was beginning to accelerate, I couldn’t hold it in any longer…

“I’m five months pregnant.” I said, or more like blurted. Someone gasped, I wasn’t quite sure who, then there was silence.

I didn’t want to look up because I was terrified of what I would see. I could feel their eyes though… their judging eyes staring at me, looking down on me like I was scum beneath their feet. Silently piecing together my story and stamping me with their assumptions and perhaps quietly snickering because of how screwed up my situation was. My dad was probably sitting there deciding how he was going to kick me out of his house and back out of his life, while Diana sat there determining how Tawny was a way better daughter than me. I was feeding myself the negativity and it all made so much sense to me, so I shut my eyes briefly because I could feel the typical tears coming. I felt so sorry for myself and ashamed to even be in their presence, so I swiftly pushed my chair back away from the table and attempted to dash from the room altogether…

“Congratulations baby!” That was Diana. Her squeaky voice was very recognizable, but what she said was not. Did she say… congratulations? Was that… happiness in her tone? Before I could even get my butt up out of the chair I lifted my head up and stared across the table at her, totally confused by her obvious excitement. It was there… on her face… a smile. A genuine smile. And the longer I stared at her, the more I could see the gloss forming in her eyes. Was she about to cry… from happiness?

“I’m so happy for you sweetheart!” She was up out of her seat now and on her way from her side of the table to mine. When she reached me, she dipped down to place a quick kiss on my cheek and wrapped me in a tight embrace.

“I knew I wasn’t crazy…” Wait… what?

“Wha… what?” I stammered. She pulled back away from me and stood there with a hand on my shoulder because I was still pushed back in my chair from my previous attempt to run away.

“The glow that you have… I’ve seen it before. The last time you were here with Tawny, I mentioned it to James but he dismissed it almost as soon as the thought left my mouth.” She was entirely too giddy, but I was still stuck on what she’d just said… the part about my dad. Naturally my head turned and my eyes zipped across the span of the table until they zoned in on him. He hadn’t moved a muscle since my revelation and his face remained completely blank. The way that he sat there, only blinking his eyes, but not bothering to respond to what I’d said or even move at all… it scared me. No… it terrified me. The look on his face told me that even though Diana was happier than she probably should have been, he didn’t share the same excitement.

“James…” Diana started, turning her attention to his frozen frame as well, “Did you hear what she said?”

His eyes darted then, from me to her, and suddenly his lips were pursed then in the blink of an eye he was smiling.

He quickly cleared his throat and grabbed a cloth napkin from the table to dab at the corners of his mouth “Sy’Diyah, would you mind if I had a word with you?”

The fact that I’d already vomited before we sat down to enjoy this meal didn’t mean a thing as I sat there, overcome with a sudden wave of nausea. I didn’t say anything though… didn’t utter a single word as I glanced up at Diana and quickly from Destani to Tawny who both seemed suddenly entirely too interested in the broccoli cheddar soup in front of them.

With a sigh, I pushed up from my seat and could see Diana’s eyes glide down to my belly, which made a brief appearance from the way I stood from the chair. Swiftly adjusting my sweater, I moved away from the table and followed my dad out into the hall and toward the door to the basement. He opened it and held it for me then waited until I carefully made my way down the first three steps before trailing behind me and shutting the door behind himself. We made it down to the sitting area in no time and we sat several feet away from each other on the extended sectional sofa

For a while, he didn’t say anything… and neither did I. I was just waiting for him to scream, shout, freak out on me, lunge at me and slap me… something! But he didn’t do a thing other than simply sit there. His elbows were propped on his knees and his hands were linked together beneath his chin with his index fingers lifted and pressed together and his mouth against them. The longer I looked at him, the more nauseous I got and I kind of hoped he’d say something soon or I was sure to throw up just from the mystery behind his silence alone.

“Five months pregnant… wow.” He mumbled, not bothering to look at me. My heart was beginning to sink the longer he sat like that, refusing to look at me.

“Dad… I’m sorry…” I didn’t know what else to say… but I felt compelled to apologize.

He shook his head though and once he finally bothered to face me, he smiled “There is nothing for you to apologize for Sy’Diyah.”

With a sigh, he dropped his head and continued to shake it “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? Why didn’t you tell us the moment you found out?”

He was leaving me at a loss for words. Truthfully, I didn’t know how to respond to him. I still had no clue if he was actually upset with me or not, so I wanted to be careful with what I said.

“I… I was scared… and I… I guess I just regretted it.”

His brows furrowed and with another sigh, he quickly swiped a hand over his face “I’m so very proud of you honey… I don’t even believe there are enough words in the universe for me to explain to you just how proud of you I am. Yes, I will take a moment as your father to express how much I want what’s best for you and I want you to make the right choices to ensure a good, solid future… but, really who am I to tell you any of that Sy’Diyah?”

He paused and peered at me curiously for a moment with his head tilted to one side “You know, I was about eighteen years old when your mother and I had you. And to this day, I firmly believe that it was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made in my life.”

I swept my gaze over him and watched as his furrowed brows tilted with sorrow “What I did to you all those years ago Sy’Diyah, abandoning you… I… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make that up to you in a single lifetime. I left you in the hands of a remarkable woman because, at the time, I wanted what was best for you. And, at that time, I knew I couldn’t give you the best. I wanted you to have the world, I wanted you to have the sun, the moon, the galaxy and all the stars in it… whatever your heart desired, believe me… I wanted you to have. But… I wasn’t able to give you that. I never wanted you to know struggle and… that was life for your mother and I then. Life was struggle and I refused to expose it to you, because you were my little princess and I vowed to myself that you would live your life as such and nothing less.”

For some reason, my heart was racing and I could feel myself about to break down at any moment. This was a conversation we’d never had and I honestly never thought we would. I didn’t know how to take what he was saying and I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter with the urge to cry. And just by the morphing expressions of sadness on my dad’s face, I could tell he was struggling to maintain his composure as well.

“Your mother was only seventeen when she found out she was pregnant and she carried you in the most beautiful way. Faith always had a natural glow and I always swore that she floated through that pregnancy like an angel. Everything was normal, there were no signs of any complications at any point, and I was truly excited to bring you home and be the only man in the house with two of the world’s most beautiful girls.” Though his lips maintained a smile that seemed permanent as he relived his most painful memories, his eyes were welling with tears that were slowly and calmly beginning to trickle one by one down his cheeks.

“But, the day that her water broke and I rushed her to the hospital, I don’t know… I just… I had a feeling. It wasn’t a horrible feeling or anything, just a… a feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right. She was only in labor for about two hours and as naturally as possible, she delivered you and she cried when the doctors laid you in her arms. I remember holding onto her and leaning in to kiss you on the top of your head. By the time I moved back to look down at her, to congratulate her for doing such a wonderful job, it just… it all happened within the blink of an eye. She started to hemorrhage. They rushed you and me both out of there so fast, but I tried to fight to stay in that room with her because even though I didn’t know what was happening and they weren’t telling me anything, I could see from the last look I got to take at her face that my world was about to be turned completely upside down.”

“Half an hour later, she was gone… I was heartbroken… and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at you, let alone hold you. I didn’t want to be close to you, because you were a part of her. I was completely inconsolable after that and, Madison offered to take you and I in because my mother hadn’t been around from the beginning of the pregnancy because she believed what we’d done was sinful and she wanted no part of it. We stayed with her for a week, but I-I couldn’t handle it… I couldn’t handle life at all at that point and I surely couldn’t handle a baby. So, I handed you off to Madison and… I never looked back.”

He was crying, as calmly as I’d ever seen a person cry, but the tears were nearly drowning him as he concluded his story. Their story. My mom, I never knew her and had only seen a few pictures of her in my entire lifetime. But sitting there listening to just a snippet of the tale of their love and just hearing the way that he admired her… it broke me. Because it reminded me of a love I once knew. I was at an utter loss for words and for a while, we both sat there bawling quietly. I had no idea what to say to him and I felt almost too stunned to get up and move to his side to console him, but I had to… because now, I could hear the heartbreak in the midst of his cry. The pain that he harbored for his lost loved one was mixed in with each tear and as I sat there listening to him softly wail, I understood that he never bothered to properly grieve for my mother’s death. Thoughtlessly I rose from my seat and shifted around to his side, wrapping an arm around his waist lovingly and resting my head against his shoulder. With one touch, he wept harder and a bit louder but I stayed put and remained quiet because he needed this. I hadn’t meant to set off his dormant emotions, but I was almost glad that I did because it was clear as day that though he remarried, his love for my mom was still as prevalent as ever.

“I’m so-sorry… I’m sorry Sy… I’m sorry.” He chanted over and over again with his face buried in the palms of his hands and his crumbling frame sitting upright only by the grip of my arms.

“I love you daddy… it’s okay.” The key phrase to it all, it was the simplest thing for me to respond with but it was the one thing that sent him into an emotional frenzy and before I knew it, he turned to face me and wrapped his arms around me, holding onto me like his life depended on it. He continued to chant how sorry he was and how much he loved me until he eventually went hoarse and quiet. I cried right along with him, not nearly as hard as he, but as we held onto each other roving through a world of emotions, I could almost feel a weight lifting from his very spirit.

I’m not sure how long we sat like that, holding onto each other, but eventually he calmed down enough to sit back and wipe at his eyes.

“I didn’t intend to bring you down here for a cry fest.” He chuckled.

With a soft giggle, I too wiped away the moisture from my face “And I didn’t mean to set you off that way.”

“No, no. I needed that. That certainly wasn’t the response I meant to give from your announcement. I just… you remind me so much of your mother. The glow that Diana was talking about, I knew exactly what she meant… because I’ve seen the exact same thing on Faith.”

I meant to smile at him because of what he said, but somehow the only thing I could bring myself to do was frown. Diana… if he held such strong emotions for my mom, that evidently had never gone away, how was he able to move on with Diana?

“I’ve known Diana for well over twenty years,” He said as if reading my mind, “In the beginning, I actually resented her because I thought she was trying to make me forget about Faith. But… she’s a wonderful woman Sy’Diyah and perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me. She didn’t make me forget about Faith at all, she just reminded me that it was okay to love again.”

Finally I smiled and nodded because finally I understood. The love he had for my mother was in a category all its own and it could and never would be touched… it was something that could never be replaced. What he shared with Diana though, it clearly meant just as much to him and for once I could appreciate how good of a woman she was for what she’d done for him.

“Listen sweetheart, I love you perhaps more than you’ll ever understand. You are a direct creation from my first love and you’ll always have a very special place in my heart. You and Tawny both are my princesses and I’m so very proud of you both. I admire you for being the young woman that you are and I also thank you for opening your arms to Tawny and accepting her the way that you have. I want you to know that… I’m very happy for you and for this wonderful milestone in your life. Though I think you’re trying to age me by making me a grandpa this soon, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Giggling at his last statement, I leaned forward once more and allowed him to embrace me as I sat there with my head pressed against his chest. Snuggled up against him, with my eyes closed… for a moment a memory that didn’t even exist crossed my mind. I smiled as I created a memory solely from my imagination of him holding onto me just like this, only I was a small girl. It was only a figment of my imagination, but the thought of it alone warmed me to the core.

“Your aunt has been updating me pretty frequently on everything that’s been going on with Chris and… I know he can’t be here with you through this, but I promise you I’ll be in your corner until the end.” The sound of his voice vibrated through his chest against the side of my face. I never bothered to open my eyes… because as he spoke of him, I couldn’t deny my mind the urge to wander to thoughts of him. So crisp and clear, I could picture him being the one to sit there holding me. I could imagine him wrapping me up in his strong arms and pressing his face in my bushel of hair the way he loved to. I could envision him dropping down to my belly, caressing and kissing it lovingly as he admired the love we’d created there.

I sighed a hard sigh of defeat, but willed myself not to cry anymore “I miss him so much dad.”

He kept me wrapped up in his arms and ran a hand up and down the side of my right arm “I know you do baby, I know you do.”