#which like. its not that good i guess and i wasnt expecting a large audience

[flowers-that-sing]

okay. holy crap. i like JUST posted the banana fish fic and i already have 2 kudos and a comment.

okay. the first oneshot was not just random dumb luck i guess this category and fandom makes my stuff a lot more likely to be seen

[tumblunni]

Ehh i think i finally summed up why all of this steven universe diamonds stuff has been so underwhelming.

YES you can redeem a villain

but you have to

actually

TRY

Yes you can write a story about the world’s most fuckin horrible person being really actually sad at heart

Yes you can write a story about an abusive parent actually being able to change

Yes you can write a story about some wild genocidal alien civilization of asshole space rocks actually only doing it because something something societal pressure DESPITE BEING THE ONES IN CHARGE WHO SET THE DAMN RULES I GUESS

But fucking hell its not gonna be EASY and you shouldn’t treat it that way.

All of this shit was SO fucking quick?? And everything else WASNT!

You spent SO long hyping up these guys you spent SO long convincing us that they WERE evil and that they had entirey different motives for what they were doing and EVEN WITHIN THIS FUCKING EPISODE you spent more time showing us White Diamond being absolutely ridiculously existentially horrifyingly awful and refusing every offer everyone gave her to help and refusing every chance and fucking fucking goddamn violating people’s entire minds and just.. fuck.

After all that you cant just fuckin have steven walk up to blue and yellow and say “hey everything you did was bad” and them go “GEE WE NEVER KNEW!” for some reason this time they’re convinced in a single sentence despite it being the same sentence steven said before in every damn episode and pink said to them years before and every person they abused and enslaved and mutilated and KILLED said while they were DYING

And you can’t fucking have white diamond never redeem herself and never change and never admit she’s wrong and steven SOLVE IT WITH FUCKING FIGHTING WHILE SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO, WHILE THE ENTIRE SHOW TRIES TO CLAIM THE REASON THEY ARE DOING IT THIS WAY IS BECAUSE OF PACIFISM

because seriously he?? just defeated her?? and this made her?? change???

redeeming a villain shouldn’t be easy. redeeming a villain has to have the villain TRY. white diamond has done nothing to prove she really has a heart, prove that she really did all this for sympathetic reasons, prove that she’s able to change, AND ESPECIALLY NOTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO ANY OF THE PEOPLE SHE’S HURT

she just got defeated and basically admitted she’s wrong cos she has no other choice. and i guess her blushing because steven issued a SICK BURN to her is meant to be enough proof that her entire motivation so far has been because of self confidence issues forcing her to put up a false front aka her entire personality we saw so far. If you wanna tell me she’s entirely different to what we saw so far then please could you please give it more screentime than twelve goddamn seconds.

This is like how yellow and blue just suddenly were accepted as part of the family and steven agreed to go with them to homeworld literally just because they realized he “is really pink diamond”. Like they never fucking repented or actually learned to empathise with humans or ever explained why they dont empathise with humans no nope the only answer we got is that they were sad about their sister/daughter/friend dying even though they were already doing all the same evil stuff before that and its what caused her to leave in the first place. no we’re gonna just completely trust them instantly and not even continue making an effort to convince them? we’re gonna trust them so much we’re gonna trust that white diamond will also change just cos we beat her up? COS SERIOUSLY STEVEN FUCKIN DEFEATED BLUE AND YELLOW IN A FIGHT AND THATS THE END OF THEIR ARC, HOW IS THIS PROVING THE POWER OF PACIFISM!! beating everyone up and then saying the same singular sentence again and somehow now it works!! or saying “my mum was pink diamond” and it doesnt convince them but hey if we say it again with magical proof its true then i guess it works now. wow that sure does argue the power of words i guess

everything EVERYTHING they did was just a fuckin misunderstanding cos they dont UNDERSTAND they were doing bad and thus they dont have to face any form of consequences beyond being mildly embarassed i suppose.

if you wanna make that the ending then you need to work to disprove all the hours you spent implying that.. yknow.. they were doing things because they were evil

and even if theyre sympathetic they still did evil things and they still need to work to prove that theyve changed

and ESPECIALLY if you’re making a show very heavy on subjects like LGBT discrimination it shouldnt be FUCKIN WOW UNEXPECTED that the audience would see this plot as a metaphor for stuff like homophobia and abusive parents and.. yknow.. societal oppression in a law system that forces you to live in the closet in constant fear of being discovered and killed. and all the other apparantly accidental undertones of racism and extermination of indigenous people in stolen land which YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED PEOPLE TO SEE WHEN THE PLOT IS LITERALLY EXTERMINATING PEOPLE TO STEAL THEIR LAND

all of that means you need to do MORE work to prove that that isnt actually what the plot is supposed to be, and more work to redeem villains who are very heavily goddamn triggering to a large part of the vunerable audience YOU SPECIFICALLY MARKETED YOURSELF TOWARDS

this was just so fucking overwhelming and somehow rushed despite being an hour long episode, and i hate it because the show spent so much effort on so much other stuff yet decided to half ass it at the really important part that NEEDED to have thought and time put into it if it was gonna nail the landing

especially after ALL THAT FUCKIN TIME AND EFFORT INTO THINGS THAT ONLY AMPED UP THE VILLAINY AND TENSION OF THESE GUYS AND MADE IT SO MUCH WORSE

like fucking hell how can you be so tone deaf??? this has been in the planning for so damn long and theyve been working on it forever and THIS is what they chose to rush over? this is the priorities they thought were important? even just within this episode if youre struggling to fit it all in then like seriously cut out some of the stuff like the montage of unseen fusion forms that did basiclaly nothing but a few jokes, and the equally as rushed bad lars and sadie romance resolution. Which is another thing that needed a lot of work to fix when the introduction we got to these two was a really unhealthy relationship and a dude who refuses to change despite being given twelve chances but suddenly changes COMPLETELY on the thirteenth one and i guess cos he died that proves he’s all good now. Except he acts all weird and creepy in the very next episode and endangers his new friends by acting all possessive over sadie again and getting angry that she has other friends????

i hate it because ive had to deal with the fandom telling all the people who were rightfully uncomfortable with how these subjects were handled that oh we’re just overreacting and oh wait and see cos they totally have a big plan for the ending or something that’ll make it all make sense. And comparing people being triggered by child abuse and racism to “huhu those dumb su criticals who hate the art style” or whatever...

god, man, its just a deflection of what the issue really is

“oh youre saying NO VILLAINS can EVER be redeemed and NOBODY can EVER talk about dark stuff in shows without being SECRETLY BAD AND SUPPORTING IT IN REAL LIFE?”

no im not saying that im just saying the subjects are fucking depressing to people who’ve suffered from the real life stuff and the villain redemption should be GOOD and should THINK ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE if it wants to make up for it

like fucking hell look at how much zuko from avatar went through before his redemption. look at how long he struggled with his morality and how long it took him to realise he was wrong. look at how much detail they showed us on all the people who negatively influenced him into making the bad choices he did. look at how much he went through to make up for what he did and apologise to everyone he hurt. look at how everyone he hurt didnt believe him at first and it took a while for everything to work out. look at how sometimes he messed up and took steps backward before getting to where he needed to be. and look at how he actually changed as a person and continued learning and growing and trying to be a good person even far into the future after the story ended.

hell, fuckin look at PERIDOT! peridot had a full goddamn zuko arc! peridot had more screentime than all of the diamonds combined, and it was way better utilized! she had a full process from being introduced as a scary villain BECAUSE OF MISUNDERSTANDING WHO SHE REALLY WAS, then being revealed as having a fully rounded personality, flaws and redeemable traits while still being a villain. and moments of her proving that she did indeed only become a villain because she didnt understand what she was doing was wrong, and a personality that matched with that reveal rather than having NO INDICATION she was like that until it suddenly happened only after she was defeated. and her redemption came slowly through friendship with steven and it had moments of the other characters not instantly trusting her and also of her making mistakes and struggling with believing steven’s philosophy when it went against everything she knew about life. and speaking of which it was established that she had a very different life which had negative influences pushing these ideas upon her, and tough stuff that made her scared and pressured. Not just being in a high position of ruling over a planet in the lap of luxury and ONLY AFTER BEING DEFEATED do we learn that they feel pressured by the societal expectation to be perfect and they actually would have agreed all along with dismantling the system but they were just too afraid to be honest. Or whatever the fuck that rushed ending was trying to go for! And man even after peridot joins the team she’s NOT redeemed yet, she’s initially only halfway doubting herself and only teaming up with steven because they’re both afraid of the cluster. And she messes up and says horrible shit to her new friends and feels the consequences of her actions and chooses to change. And her ultimate choice to switch sides is REALLY hard, she gets so close to going back to the diamonds and its a great personal sacrifice on her part when she chooses to give it all up and make an enemy of the person she was so scared of!

and GAHHH that good redemption is one in a million episodes that really set up the diamonds Being Bad and should have been a goddamn tally in the “effort required in the fuckin ending” chart!

could we not have even just had one ten minute episode of blue and yellow going around earth and experiencing human life and realizing there’s things worth protecting? or a few damn scenes foreshadowing white being actually insecure and lying to protect herself, rather than GENUINELY ABUSIVE BECAUSE SHE’S BAD?

and seriously even if you hurt people because you hate yourself YOU STILL HURT THEM

a sympathetic backstory should be a reason why they COULD be redeemed, not proof that they already are redeemed just because the backstory was stated in words and nothing else has fuckin changed.

imagine if zuko just lost one fight to aang and said “yes but my dad abused me” and aang was like “oh no now lets team up with zuko to beat up his dad” and none of the bad things zuko did were ever mentioned again and also he keeps his season 1 personality throughout the entire series

imagine if peridot fuckin.. just changed sides cos she’s funny and we like her. people wantedher to change sides as soon as she acted funny and likeable but they still made the effort to actually prove she had changed! the diamonds didnt act remotely harmless or remotely good until they just suddenly are in the very last episode.

hoo

fucking

ray

also why are we constantly just ignoring all these dark things about homeworld? like the episode with holly blue agate and the famethyst slave caste and all the creepy ways the entire place operated. i totally thought thatd.. yknow.. EVER BE REFERENCED AGAIN?? its never even mentioned that anyone even WANTS to go back and save them?? and the human zoo were outright stated to be like.. unsaveable. “oh theyve never known real human life and theyre happy in their slavery so itd be cruel to take them away from it” One off episode, forgotten about. And the creepy as fuck scenes of gems being BUILT INTO THE WALLS AND DOORS AS SECURITY SYSTEMS and the confirmation that more lapis situations are constantly going on yet somehow that singing hairbrush person doesnt get all the sympathy that she did. And steven going daww at the pebbles instead of being horrified that theyre born to work as servants and forced to live in the walls because the noblewomen dont want to look at them? and he asks them to make him a new outfit?? and theres no plot anything involving them except them puttering around in the background outfitting?? like was none of this meant to be seen as PROOF THAT THE DIAMONDS WERE EVIL and PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE SAVED????

goddddd

please say they were rushed or something please say this is all the faultof being given less time than they expected please say there were other plans for other episodes we didnt see that would have given at least slightly more substance to any of this

also why wasnt this even advertised as the last episode if its the last fuckin episode

hhhh well at least obsidian was a great character design and so were the other fusions and new outfits even if they only appeared for twelve seconds. and white’s whole scary evil mind invasion stuff was really good even if it actually hurt the episode by being good, kinda

man im not even mad or anything i just feel mehh and bored and like im actually glad its over. i never wanted to feel that way about a show that used to be so good. i kinda wish the earliest episodes werent so good if the answers to all those well set up mysteries were gonna have so much less effort than the setup itself

...man i should make a whole post about all the mistaken ways i THOUGHT the show was gonna go that actually would have been way more interesting than the real answer.

i’m just super glad that my last theory was wrong cos wow that would have been the only thing worse than this ending! when white pearl first appeared before we’d actually seen white diamond, and it had all this thing that white diamond hadnt been seen in ages.. well i was worried it was setting up some sort of reverse twist where actually white pearl is bodysnatching white diamond instead of vice versa. So the whole evil empire would actually be run by a member of the slave class that its oppressing, and the diamonds/representative of the upper class would actually be poor victims all along. dear god i am so glad i got that wrong! tho im weirded out by how evil white/pink pearl looked in that first hint that she was originally pink pearl??

anyway basicallly im just so fuckin tired

[curly-q-reviews]

ROAD TO THE OSCAR MAYER WIENER AWARDS 2K19

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, 2018 (dir. Joel Coen, Ethan Coen)

Nominated for: Best Original Song, Best Costume Design, Best Adapted Screenplay

SPOILER ALERT THAR BE SPOILERS AHEAD ME HEARTIES BE YE WARNED

wowee what a cool film!!  i went into this not knowing much about it except it was directed by the Coen brothers (directors of Fargo and The Big Lebowski) which set real high expectations for me.  these guys are real masters of storytelling and what immediately come to mind when i think of movies that know how to effectively use dark humor.  i also love the kinds of stories they tell in general, how they take subjects and settings that seem kinda mundane and just give them this little extra spark. 

so is this newest film just as good as their other work???  well id say yeah for sure!!!  it reminds me a lot of a film they did shortly after The Big Lebowski called O Brother, Where Art Thou?, because theyre both period pieces AND because they both feature a myriad of eclectic and interesting characters.  the one thing that makes The Ballad of Buster Scruggs really stand out from their other films however is the fact that this is actually an anthology made up of six different stories, all set during the same time period in The Wild West.  its also worth mentioning that this movie was made to premiere on Netflix, which is something ive started to see more and more as the streaming platform becomes the new go-to source of media content.  its very exciting to see such prolific directors go the Netflix route and have great success with it, because it means that the platform really is capable of creating high-quality movies and TV shows and working with big-name talent.  im sure the big hollywood production companies are all quaking in their lil booties cause this means big BIG changes are on the horizon

ok so ive reviewed anthology series before, notably Black Mirror, and with those reviews i ranked the short stories in order of least to most favorite.  so i guess in this case ill do the same, although its hard to really rank these cause i truly enjoyed all of them in different ways.  there was one however that didnt really tickle my fancy much, which was “Near Algodones”.  this one stars james franco as a bank robber who seems to have met his match in a fiery (probably crazy) bank teller.  he gets caught and hung from a tree by the town’s sheriff, but nearly manages to escape death when a Native American tribe swoops in and kills the sheriff and his crew.  james franco is saved by a cattle driver, only to be caught again by the next town’s sheriff for allegedly trying to hawk the cattle (which was not the case at all).  right before they kick the chair out from under him at the hanging, he sees a beautiful woman in blue, who at first smiles at him but then looks unnerved as he stares back at her. 

i think with this one the ending really didnt do much for me, i kinda didnt get it.  i did understand the whole irony behind surviving punishment for a crime he DID commit but getting hanged for a crime he never committed, and the bank teller was pretty hilarious, but everything else about the segment was just ok.  james franco didnt really blow me away (he never really does but thats besides the point), the rest of the performances were fine, and the story just kinda zipped on through.  maybe ill give this one another watch to see if the ending makes any more sense to me, or if theres any sense to be made from it at all

next up for me would be “The Gal Who Got Rattled”, and this segment i have mixed feelings over.  its about this brother and sister who set out on the Oregon trail so that the brother can get his sister to marry his business partner in Oregon.  the sister seems like a kind of wishy-washy, subdued character who just kinda goes along with whatever her brother says without giving much of her own opinion.  i gotta give credit to zoe kazan (who starred in The Big Sick) cause she does a great job with this character, totally spot-on performance.  ok so turns out the brother is a fucken HORRIBLE businessman who screws up all his business deals all the time, and he tragically dies like two days into being on the oregon trail.  he has this annoying-ass dog that barks all the time and everyone else on the caravan is sick of it, so when the brother dies the sister just lets one of the trail leaders put it down.  turns out the sister like did not like her brother at all but was always too afraid to say anything.  now getting back to the bad businessman thing, apparently he had promised the helper boy that is helping move their covered wagon a large sum of money, half of it halfway through the journey and the rest when they get to oregon.  problem is, the sister doesnt have the money, so it was either left in the brothers pocket when he was buried or there wasnt actually any money at all and he lied, y’know, like a bad businessman does.  the trail leader who put the annoying dog down offers to help her, and the two start to get close.  so now its like a pseudo love story thing.  except it ends pretty tragically (the sister dies its a long story and pretty ironic just watch it if u wanna know)

so uuuhhhhh this one was long as shit, like a lot longer than the other segments when it didnt really need to be???  like it just kept  going and going, and again the ending didnt really make up for how long it was.  i really liked zoe kazan in this, but otherwise nothing to write home about. 

number four on my list would have to go to “All Gold Canyon”, which basically just follows the story of a gold miner in the mountains trying to get that money honey.  this segment is the simplest one out of the bunch, but i gotta say its absolutely gorgeous.  what beautiful scenery and cinematography.  it provides a nice contrast to our disheveled, run-down gold miner who is just tearing up the beautiful grassy fields trying to get to this gold.  there seems to be a theme in this one of man’s relationship to nature, and how the gold miner does put in effort to respect it but still takes advantage of it for his own benefit.  and i guess theres a broader theme of greed, or the ruthless and endless pursuit of wealth which can drive people to do crazy and desperate things.  i definitely really enjoyed this one, especially the gold miner character played by tom waits.  but otherwise it didnt stand out as much to me as the other segments im gonna talk about

SPEAKING OF WHICH heres number three!!  “The Mortal Remains” is right up my alley, and has some more mythical elements to it than the other segments ive talked about so far.  so we have a wagon full of passengers all going to this hotel for various reasons, and its a really diverse cast of characters: we have the older wife of a prolific religious lecturer, a rich Frenchman, a trapper, a foppish Englishman, and a cheery laid-back Irishman, the last two seeming to be companions of some sort.  they all get on the topic of the true nature of mankind, and the three characters opposite of the strange pair all have something different to say.  the trapper believes that all people are inherently the same, with the same basic needs.  the older woman disagrees and insists that there are two kinds of people, upright and sinning.  and then the Frenchman says that both of them are wrong, that human existence is much more complicated and nuanced than that; no one persons life is exactly the same as another’s.  and then we have the Englishman and the Irishman, who turn out to be bounty hunters of some sort (is heavily alluded that they are grim reaper-type figures).  they explain their method of completing their kills, and talk about how they enjoy watching their victims “try to make sense of it all” in their death throes.  these two clearly have a much more cold and sinister idea of the nature of mankind, and the rest become very unsettled all the way to the hotel.  no one else even dares to step out of the carriage while the bounty hunters drag their latest victim through the front entrance and up the stairs.

oh man this segment was great!  i think the reason its third on my list is cause i really wish there was more to it, like if the Coen brothers spent more time on this one instead of “The Gal Who Got Rattled” it would be perfect.  Jonjo O’Neill and Brendan Gleeson as the bounty hunters were so enthralling, and i loved watching them play off of each other.  hell, i couldve had a whole movie featuring those two.  and the screenwriting really shines in this segment too.  this segment almost feels like a fable or something, which is really fitting for the time period.  makes me wonder if they had based it off of an actual fable.  but anyway yeah this ones awesome!

i had a hard time choosing between “The Mortal Remains” and this next segment for second place cause i liked them both equally, but in the end “Meal Ticket” gets #2 purely because of the utterly fantastic performance by Harry Melling, who plays a quadriplegic actor in a traveling show run by liam neesons character, an irish traveling entertainer.   the story itself is really simple, we just see this disabled actor be carted from one town to the next, doing the same stage show which is basically just him reciting famous prose throughout the ages.  meanwhile liam neeson is trying to get as much money as he can out of the audience members.  he doesnt interact much with harry melling outside of feeding him and helping him piss and get dressed.  u get the sense that he doesnt really see his disabled actor as an actual person, but more of an entertaining object or a pet.  and this becomes even more apparent when the irishman gets some competition from another traveling entertainer who has a chicken that can do math.  he sees this chicken getting more money than him, so he buys it off of the other guy and takes it with him.  and finally, the poor limbless actor is literally and figuratively tossed aside for the next best thing.

man oh man what a great segment!  harry melling blew me away with his performance, the fact that he was able to get such a nuanced range of emotion out of the few lines he was given (basically he had to recite the same shit over and over again) was so impressive to me.  and his non-verbal communication was really solid too.  liam neeson did really well in his role too.  and again the story itself is really great, simple but effective and really gets the point across without having to beat the audience over the head with its message. OH YEAH ITS REAL GOOD LOVE IT

and finally we have my #1 pick, which i think the directors knew this was the best one out of the bunch too cause its the first segment as well as the title of the whole movie.  “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs” has that signature Coen brothers wit and dark humor that i love, it plays off of typical Western movie tropes and is very tongue-in-cheek and i ate that shit up.  tim blake nelson as the titular buster is just so fucken perfect for this role, he really shines in this and its kind of a shame that its one of the shorter segments cause it really is the best one and he knocks it out of the park.  we got some great music in this segment too, which is where that Best Original Song nom comes in.   this one also has some strong fable-y vibes to it, like this story could be amongst the likes of American folklore like Paul Bunyan and Johnny Appleseed.  i wont get much into the plot of this one but i highly recommend watching it, even if you dont wanna see the rest of the segments. 

the segments fit together pretty well overall, although the tone of each of them differs slightly the fact that the setting and time period are the same is enough to firmly knit all these stories together.  its a really unique idea for a movie, and is so far the best attempt at an anthology movie that ive ever seen purely because the stories really all make sense together and play off of each other well.  in other anthology movies ive seen like The ABC’s of Death the segments usually dont have much at all to do with each other, except that they all fall in the same genre.  so overall id say give this a watch, especially if ur a Coen brothers fan, cause theres some real good stuff in here.

well thats all i got for now cowboys!!  i watched Roma the other day and CRIED REAL HARD so get ready for me to kiss that movies ass in a review that should be done in the next few days.  until then go uuhhhhhh lasso a cow or something.  chew some tobaccy.  fondle a barmaids titties.  die of dysentery.  y’know just old west things~

[itslovewithyouthings]

Night Shift/Falling Apart/Another Shot by Riley Long Title: Night Shift Fallin… http://bit.ly/2G4FBpO

Night Shift/Falling Apart/Another Shot by Riley Long Title: Night Shift Falling Apart Another Shot Author: Riley Long Genre: MM Erotic Romance Release Date:March 5 2018 Night Shift When Officer Daniel Haddox wakes up one morning and everything starts to go wrong he knows its going to be one of those days. Things get worse when hes sent to the hospital for smoke inhalation and prankster and all around dick of a nurse Angelo is on duty and ready to treat his injuries. That night a series of events unfolds that leaves Daniels head spinning. Will Daniel finally snap and give Angelo what hes got coming? Or has Angelo got a different kind of fun in mind this time? Falling Apart Rising rocker Ryder Sullivan has everything hes ever dreamed of – a skyrocketing career a band to support him and a willing bedmate anytime he chooses. Hes sure something is missing and discovers exactly what it will take to fill the void when he meets an incredibly adorable bartender. The only problem is that the flirtatious cowboy bartender Billy Cunningham is a traditional man raised with traditional values. Fighting against his mother's wishes for a wife and a house full of babies is tough but living the Southern straight man values is tougher especially when a hot rocker is making it very hard for him to resist. Will Billy be able to give in to his heart before the chance to be with Ryder is lost forever? Another Shot Ben's seemingly perfect life just went down the tubes. On the eve of his thirtieth birthday his boyfriend breaks it off and despite his better judgement he goes with his best friend to a strip club where he runs into the one that got away–or ran away more accurately. When his ex Ian now a stripper makes a move and promises things Ben had long given up on hoping for Ben has a decision to make. Does he get the closure he so desperately wanted or does he trust Ian with his heart…again? a Rafflecopter giveaway Another Shot Ben punched the stop button on the treadmill with a vengeance and wiped the sweat from his face. The run had done little to ease his misery. Really it had only let him stew over everything that had happened today. On the day before his birthday of all days. He replayed the conversation hed had this morning in his head again for at least the tenth time and bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. Beside him Sarah slowed to a walk before ending her work out. She took a swig of water. I mean I think youre better of anyway Sarah said. Its not even like hes that good-looking. And God was he boring. Ben shot her a look eyes narrowed. Really? The worst. Sarah nodded. She wiped down her treadmill and led the way to the locker rooms. I was kind of dreading going out with him to celebrate your birthday. You know he never wanted to go out and said it was time I got more serious started to grow up a little. Sarah giggled. Youre still twenty-nine for a few more hours; youre not supposed to get old and boring for another week or two at least. Well maybe that was his problem. Hes thirty-two. He tried to smile but it felt forced. See? Exactly! Ben shifted from one foot to the other. I guess so. Doesnt make it hurt any less though. He should have known when Mike had started the morning by suggesting that they talk that his day wasnt going to go well. He just hadnt expected his boyfriend of six months to dump him for being too wild when he rarely went out more than once a week if that. The worst part were the platitudes Mike offered as if saying Its not you and This doesnt mean we cant be friends were going to do him any good. Or maybe the worst part was the timing. Right before his birthday. Tears welled up and threatened to spill from his eyes. Sarah wrapped him in a sweaty hug. Oh honey dont let it bother you too much that an average-looking middle-aged man who wanted to change you decided your lives were going in different directions. Fuck him. Actually dont. You know what I mean. Now she leaned in to peck his cheek go get changed so we can talk about tonight. This is going to be the best thirtieth birthday youll ever have. He shook his head. I dont want to make a big deal out of this thing. Im depressed enough as it is without having to be reminded that Ill be officially middle-aged by morning. Nonsense. Sarah disappeared into the changing room. Ben knew shed never take no for an answer so his best bet was to make this as painless as possible. If he could convince Sarah to go to their usual bar maybe he could avoid any of her attempts to find him a rebound guy. Then again if Mike thought he was so wild maybe that was just what Ben needed to do to take his mind of of things. He trudged into the locker room and found an empty shower stall for a quick rinse. Even if Mike had been boring Ben had thought theyd loved each other. He had planned to surprise Mike with a trip to the beach for his birthday in two months. He hadnt intended to get broken up with so suddenly without warning. Stepping out he dried of and tried to stop the loop of What if? that was playing in his head. He dressed quickly in jeans and a black T-shirt then went out to meet Sarah still stewing over what had happened. As he stood there waiting Sarah bustled out of the womens locker room grinning from ear to ear. I have an idea. Thats never a good thing. Ben chuckled but it was true Sarahs ideas always seemed to start some kind of trouble even if it was the fun kind. No really. This one is going to be fun. Remember that strip club I told you about? The one with the all-male revue? Ben groaned. Youve got to be kidding me. A strip club? Yes! Come on itll be so much fun. A strip club isnt exactly my idea of a fun night out. But its all men. Its just the thing for both of us. A perfect show. Ben shook his head. Come on Sarah. A strip club? Are you serious? As a heart attack. He wasnt sure he was going to win this debate at all. I was thinking wed just go to the bar like we usually do. Have a few drinks maybe flirt with someone. No craziness just a nice quiet night out. Sarah sighed. How on earth are you going to get over Mike by going to the same bar we always go to having the same drink you always have and smiling at the same boring guys you always smile at? Its time for you to find a rebound guy. Hearing his thoughts echoed in her words made Ben smile. A rebound huh? He raised an eyebrow at her. Youre so predictable. Sure it wont make Mr. Dull come back but itll make you feel worlds better. And maybe itll show you what life is like without someone telling you that youre too crazy and immature. You dont need that kind of negativity in your life and what better place to find a hot guy who wont stress about how much you go out than a strip club? Strip clubs like that are usually full of women. Sarah cleared her throat. Not the dancers. Ben could hardly believe what she was suggesting. You think I should try to go home with a stripper? No! She paused. I think you should bring a stripper home with you. Falling Apart Ryder Sullivan pushed his way to the packed bar with feigned confidence. He forced a casual look and managed to maneuver his lean frame tight jeans and all onto a high chrome and leather barstool. As he settled in Ryder glanced around self-consciously trying to get his bearings. Well he thought at least Ill have an audience. Which Way was packed full of bodies each one moving and bobbing to the pounding rock music blasting through the speakers to his right. An adorable bartender probably a few years older than him tall with a soft curve to his face chuckled. He was as far away from Ryder as possible making it difficult to get a drink. Every grinning half-drunk patron seemed to know the guy and laughed along with his antics. Ryders breath hitched a little but he wouldnt allow himself to think too much about this man right before a show. The bartender turned and fixed Ryder with sparkling green eyes. Ryder nodded and lifted his slender fingers in a small wave indicating his growing need for a drink. What can I get for ya? the bartender drawled as he leaned down and eyed Ryder as if he were the only person in the room. Ryders stomach fluttered and he reminded himself that just because he slept with men did not mean this bartender did. With soft brown curls muscles bared beneath his honesttoGod plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up and perfect ass clad in actual Wrangler jeans the bartender seemed to be flirting with everyone who crossed his path. None of that meant the bartender would be interested in him. Ryder offered a smile the guarded one he put on for the endless publicity shoots and swallowed hard. Patrón. And a glass of water too I guess. Cant get too drunk if Im going to get up there and play can I? Ryders awkward chuckle escaped before he gestured vaguely towards the stage. He grinned showing off his straight white teeth and rubbed a hand over the stubble along his jaw. No shit buddy? Youre our entertainment for the night? The bartenders grin took over his face as he turned to grab a bottle. He swiftly poured Ryder a large draft of the clear topshelf liquor in a highball glass. On the house. He pushed the drink towards Ryder. You all right? You look a little outta your element. Ryder stared into the glass and fought to keep his defenses at bay. He leaned in a bit letting a cocky smirk slowly cover his face as he locked eyes with the bartender. If he was just a bit closer Ryder could have kissed the southern-grown man. The palpable heat between them sent chills down Ryders arms even with the shiny black bar between them. I could say the same about you country boy bartending in a rock and roll bar. He took a sip of the drink before adding Im Ryder. He took another swallow of the liquor letting its burn slide down his throat. Sullivan. Pleased t meetcha Ryder Sullivan. Im Billy. Billy placed a glass of water in front of Ryder. Now I suppose I gotta go do my job before one of these good people jumps the bar but you just holler if you need anything at all okay? Good luck up there. He winked at Ryder before turning away. Ryder continued to sip his drink enjoying the warmth as it worked its magic on his nerves and watched the other patrons collected in clusters around the bar. This was one of his favorite ways to prepare for a show; he spun on his stool and surveyed the crowd to get a read on them firsthand. He felt someones gaze on him and he turned to discover a pretty blonde girl standing a few feet behind him eying him intently. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and came to rest a hand on Ryders arm. That bartenders pretty hot isnt he? He shrugged noncommittally. Sure I guess so. Ah dont lie to me boy. I could see you eye-fucking him from across the room. Ryders cheeks flushed; he had never been able to keep that heat from creeping across his high cheekbones when hed been caught and he ducked his head a little before he glanced up at her. Im just here for the show. The girl threw her head back and laughed squeezing hard on Ryders arm. She had a head full of curls cute petite features and eyes that showed an undercurrent of fierceness. Im Allison. The bartender thats Billy. He flirts with everything that moves so dont be too flattered. Im the one hell be going home with though. She flashed a smile that seemed more dangerous than friendly. She took a sip of her beer before she walked away. Ryder was stunned and wondered if he should regret his decision to haunt the bar before the show. Maybe he should have just had a drink in that supply closet-turned-dressing room and kept out of sight. As he finished the tequila the familiar warmth coursed through his blood as if he had fire in his veins leaving his head just a bit light. He downed his glass of water too and caught Billys eye again to thank him for the drink. Anytime Billy offered leaning in again and grinning in a way that made Ryders mouth go dry. Thats what Im here for to take care of whatever you might need. A beat passed heavy with meaning and a blush flooded Ryders cheeks again. Billy chuckled and clapped Ryder on the bicep. Aw Im just fuckin with you buddy. Shaking up the talent is one of the many things Im good at. Ryder was speechless not used to being tongue-tied. He nodded feeling like a total idiot. He slipped off of the stool and wound his way through the mass of people. In the backstage hallway Ryder rounded a corner and nearly crashed into Tyler the bars owner and the woman who was responsible for having him here tonight. Theyd met weeks ago when she waited him out after a gig and theyd become easy friends though hed never been here before tonight. Sorry about that honey she said pushing her long dark hair behind her shoulders and embracing him. Im excited youre here! I think theyre going to really love you tonight. Im glad your manager could fit us in your schedule before the tour started. Nervous? Ryder realized he was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt and stilled his hands. About tonight? Well new barYou worried about the crowd? He shrugged. Nah not really. He wondered if she could tell he wasnot lying exactly but definitely overstating his calm. Youve got talent good music youre a good-lookin guy theyre going to eat you up. And knowing you Im sure youll have no trouble finding someone to spend the night with once you leave the stage. Hey now you just happened to catch me on a really good night that night Ryder protested. Oh what you dont usually have a half dozen girls and a couple of guys waiting to ask you back to their place? Dont even try to tell me a story you and I both know that you dont have any problems in that department. Billy stuck his head around the corner. Hey Ty I need you up front. Jack isnt here yet and its getting busy. And then in Ryders direction Good luck up there he said and winked. Ryder felt his pulse quicken. This guy was not helping. Well gotta get going I guess Tyler said cutting through his fog. Seems like the help cant function without me. Night Shift It had been a particularly difficult night. Hell it had been a particularly challenging week month year. Daniel was exhausted so tired of it. He missed stability he missed relationships he missed not risking his life just getting up in the morning. Hed grown up in a family of police officers and becoming a cop had seemed like a natural career choice. Then his father had been killed while on duty so Daniel had easily decided to follow in his dads footsteps. Sometimes he wished he hadnt. The job wore on him in ways he hadnt anticipated drained him and left him feeling completely depleted. It was all he could do to show up for work some days. He never would have mentioned this to anyone though especially not to his partner Mike. At least he wouldnt have until Mike confronted him while they were driving away from the scene. The backup theyd called was loading some lowlife with a death wish and a blowtorch into the cruiser and Mike took the downtime as a chance to check on Daniel. There would be a mountain of paperwork waiting back at the station but they were headed to the local hospital instead. The debrief could wait until tomorrow. You okay Danny? Michaels voice cut through Daniels thoughts. Yeah. Nothing that a few drinks and a couple hours of sleep cant fix. Daniel rested his head against the window of the police cruiser staring out of the glass to block out the things he knew hed see when he closed his eyes. He ran his fingers through his short black hair and tried to forget about the world. NoI mean really okay. Your head isnt in the game these days. You burning out on me? Mike sounded almost afraid. Losing a partner was something that could really hurt a police officer and although Daniel understood his fear that didnt mean he had to cater to it. What do you want from me Mike? I show up I do my job I get things done. He was too wiped out to have this conversation now. His lungs hurt from the smoke inhalation and he just wanted to take a nap. Besides Mikes question hit closer to home than Daniel wanted to admit and he wasnt ready to tell Mike that maybe this career had been a mistake. Maybe he should go back to school and get a teaching degree like hed always wanted. Maybe there was something better out there than following in his dead dads footsteps. They made the rest of the trip to the hospital in silence heading for their checkups mandatory after any event involving a fire. Cops were streamlined in the system so the admissions nurse showed them back to a curtained space immediatelyletting them wait in relative privacy to be triaged. They lounged in the room Mike pacing the area while Daniel sat on the bed fiddling with his phone. He tried to ignore the tightness in his lungs the way his breath was drawn at the cost of a little bit of effort. Finally a nurse arrived to see them. My favorite officers of the law said the nurse as he parted the curtains. Oh fuck Mike muttered sinking into a chair. Daniel couldnt help but agree. The nurse was known for being a prankster and was often pulling out all the stops to keep them on guard. He did it because they were all best friends but that didnt make it any less annoying or troublesome. Well well good to see you too Mikey. The nurse tossed his head to clear the long brown strands of hair out of his eyes and walked over to the side of the bed to start checking Daniels vitals. Go away Angelo. Now Mike Im sure Danno here is happy to see me arent you Danny? Angelo ran his fingers through Daniels hair and Daniel jerked away swatting at the nurse. Not especially Daniel lied. His head tingled a little from the touch. If he was honest with himself he almost wanted more. With Angelo he could never decide whether he craved his attention or wanted none of it. Riley Long is a wife and mother living a quiet life in Virginia with her husband son and very silly Pit Bull puppy. She passes her evenings writing reading and watching bad television (or not so bad television). For fun Riley participates in NaNoWriMo GISHWHES and reads with her book club the BAMFs. She likes things with silly acronyms. The craziest thing Riley has ever done involves lots of butter and a time lapsed video. HOSTED BY:

[

Night Shift/Falling Apart/Another Shot by Riley Long Title: Night Shift Fallin… http://bit.ly/2G4FBpO

[samanthasroberts]

The Time I Took My Date To A Porn Cinema

With my reputation as a pervert in mind, you would think anyone I asked on a date to the cinema would know to expect more than a trip to the local Odeon and a family sized bucket of popcorn.

James, however, apparently hadnt anticipated that my plans for our evening together would revolve around large-scale cinematic penetration, projected to a room of willing strangers.

More fool him.

Now, when I tell people this story I think most of them envisage a dark, sweaty room full of frantically wanking men on wipeable seats a place where sticky floors are nothing to do with an extra large spilled Coke.

But I am (for the most part) fairly careful to tread the fine line between entertainment-with-a-twist and all-out sexual debauchery. So, what exactly is half-way between a visit to a semen-covered sex den and a trip to see the latest Pixar?

La Freak Smut Cinema is a pop-up event that moves around predominantly East London, normally finding itself a home in classy-but-quirky cocktail bars with suitably dim lighting. The event is run by two madams – in their own words: shes the scholar and Im the slut – and is a naughty and fun alternative for people who are simultaneously too horny and too broke for Secret Cinema.

Upon arrival, its clear that despite the potential for manic masturbators, it is frequented mostly by trendy, middle-class couples who are probably looking for a sexy alternative to having a threesome with the babysitter. And yes, ok, Ill admit it- there was one shifty looking bloke on his own, but his penis, at this stage at least, was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, when you are sat in a room watching porn with strangers, who can really judge who as being a pervert?!

Now, confession time (as if this entire blog wasnt confession enough)- I had actually been to this particular cinema before, as a last ditch attempt to re-ignite the dying embers of a past relationship. It had worked like a Spice Girls reunion, i.e for one night only. But being a rather enjoyable and slightly saucy experience, I didnt see the harm in coming again (no pun intended).

It had worked like a Spice Girls reunion, i.e for one night only.

But there is a problem with attending a porn cinema twice: you look like a bit of a sex pest. Some things, like a love of Celebrity Big Brother or penchant for Pot Noodles, should remain hidden until your prospective suitor is invested enough that they are willing to ignore a vice or two or eight or ten And so, I had neglected to tell my date about my previous public porn experiences.

Any attempts to keep this secret, however, were thwarted on arrival when, as my date suspiciously took in his surroundings, I was greeted by a swift paddle to the arse and an exclamation of Darling, so good to see you again!.

So much for patron confidentiality.

Cat out of the bag we headed to the bar, where I smiled sheepishly, shrugged and ordered a large and very alcoholic drink.

With two, probably quite shocking, revelations made in the space of about five minutes I was impressed that James was still standing. But with giant cocks about to be thrust in his face (not literally, of course) I was worried that a sensitive disposition may suddenly reveal itself and thought it best to change that, so we took our seats and settled in.

Of course, events such as this should, by their nature, attract people of a more free and easy persuasion. But no matter how liberal people consider themselves to be, once confronted by a room in which the loudest thing that can be heard is the unmistakable suction noise of a penis repeatedly entering a vagina, its very easy for them to revert to the typically British stance on publicly viewed sex that is, that it should only occur when watching an episode of Game of Thrones.

To be fair, the challenge of acclimatization wasnt exactly helped by the fact that the first film which, to avoid being implicated in operation YewTree, I should point out was a CARTOON focused on a little girl masturbating. We looked on quietly horrified, but again too British and too polite to protest, while she rolled around amongst the flower buds with a finger on her, uh, flower bud. After what seemed like a fucking eternity these enveloped her in a climatic ecstasy before she re-emerged, a fully fledged and, thankfully legal, woman.

It was, I guess, meant to symbolize sexual awakenings and burgeoning femininity. A theory that I was now desperately trying to convey to my probably-terrified date. I attempted this through what can only be described as a series of gymnastic eyebrow movements. This and the other, equally, if not more, important message of by the way I am not a pedophile. Luckily, while obviously perturbed, his capacity for the downright-fucking-weird/borderline-illegal seemed strong, something that would stand him in good stead if we were to continue dating.

The rest of the porn was, all in all, less controversial something not hard to achieve considering how wed started and catered to a variety of kinks, including bondage, dildo usage and gay sex. In places it was even arty enough to be considered cultural rather than simply perverse. An effort that was possibly wasted on me.

All of this meant that, despite a rocky start, I soon felt a hand on my knee. This was, of course, a welcome development but I couldnt help but check that it was 1) who I thought it was and 2) an invitation and not a cry for help. And yes, on inspection, I found that James expression had changed from one of terror and trepidation to something like the look an extremely hungover person might give a Maccy Ds.*

And, actually, it wasnt just him. It was clear to see that, for others too, the hormones had started to flow and the blood to pump. This, of course, could have been something to do with the wine that had flowed and the beer that had been pumped. Public porn watching, it could be concluded, is all about achieving the right level of lubrication who would have thought it. Either way, people were horny as fuck. Myself included. Although I still kept a wary eye on the bloke on his own in case of any rapid and repetitive arm movements.

Now, if my experiences at weird events have taught me anything, it is to always expect the unexpected. But what came next shocked even me. And I had just been forced to watch cartoon kiddy porn for Gods sake.

Someone only went and fucking proposed!

I kid you not- down on one (probably quite sticky) knee, amongst a sea of twitchy hands and awkward public boners. Im not sure who was more surprised: the gaggle of horny audience members or the blushing bride-to-be. But if she was hesitant about getting betrothed in front of a 20 foot vagina, or in any way wondering how she would relay this story to her grandchildren, she didnt show it as she gleefully accepted. It just goes to show, sometimes the thing more shocking than a guy in a gimp mask having his testicles trodden on, is true love.

Overall, despite the multiple opportunities for awkwardness, embarrassment, and general fucking weirdness, the evening was a success. So much so that the audience, having revealed their true perverted nature, requested the porn reel to be stuck back on while we finished our drinks. Although we were informed, we were going to skip the weird, pervy and paedophilic cartoon from the beginning. It turns out even porn peddlers have their line. And so, our date came to a close to the soundtrack of gentle moans and a now rather drunken Madames proclamations of Its alright for you lot, Ive got to stay and clean up. Youre all going home to fuck each others brains out!

Did we? A lady doesnt kiss and tell.

She does, however, watch porn and write about it.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/07/the-time-i-took-my-date-to-a-porn-cinema/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/07/the-time-i-took-my-date-to-a-porn-cinema/

[adambstingus]

The Time I Took My Date To A Porn Cinema

With my reputation as a pervert in mind, you would think anyone I asked on a date to the cinema would know to expect more than a trip to the local Odeon and a family sized bucket of popcorn.

James, however, apparently hadnt anticipated that my plans for our evening together would revolve around large-scale cinematic penetration, projected to a room of willing strangers.

More fool him.

Now, when I tell people this story I think most of them envisage a dark, sweaty room full of frantically wanking men on wipeable seats a place where sticky floors are nothing to do with an extra large spilled Coke.

But I am (for the most part) fairly careful to tread the fine line between entertainment-with-a-twist and all-out sexual debauchery. So, what exactly is half-way between a visit to a semen-covered sex den and a trip to see the latest Pixar?

La Freak Smut Cinema is a pop-up event that moves around predominantly East London, normally finding itself a home in classy-but-quirky cocktail bars with suitably dim lighting. The event is run by two madams – in their own words: shes the scholar and Im the slut – and is a naughty and fun alternative for people who are simultaneously too horny and too broke for Secret Cinema.

Upon arrival, its clear that despite the potential for manic masturbators, it is frequented mostly by trendy, middle-class couples who are probably looking for a sexy alternative to having a threesome with the babysitter. And yes, ok, Ill admit it- there was one shifty looking bloke on his own, but his penis, at this stage at least, was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, when you are sat in a room watching porn with strangers, who can really judge who as being a pervert?!

Now, confession time (as if this entire blog wasnt confession enough)- I had actually been to this particular cinema before, as a last ditch attempt to re-ignite the dying embers of a past relationship. It had worked like a Spice Girls reunion, i.e for one night only. But being a rather enjoyable and slightly saucy experience, I didnt see the harm in coming again (no pun intended).

It had worked like a Spice Girls reunion, i.e for one night only.

But there is a problem with attending a porn cinema twice: you look like a bit of a sex pest. Some things, like a love of Celebrity Big Brother or penchant for Pot Noodles, should remain hidden until your prospective suitor is invested enough that they are willing to ignore a vice or two or eight or ten And so, I had neglected to tell my date about my previous public porn experiences.

Any attempts to keep this secret, however, were thwarted on arrival when, as my date suspiciously took in his surroundings, I was greeted by a swift paddle to the arse and an exclamation of Darling, so good to see you again!.

So much for patron confidentiality.

Cat out of the bag we headed to the bar, where I smiled sheepishly, shrugged and ordered a large and very alcoholic drink.

With two, probably quite shocking, revelations made in the space of about five minutes I was impressed that James was still standing. But with giant cocks about to be thrust in his face (not literally, of course) I was worried that a sensitive disposition may suddenly reveal itself and thought it best to change that, so we took our seats and settled in.

Of course, events such as this should, by their nature, attract people of a more free and easy persuasion. But no matter how liberal people consider themselves to be, once confronted by a room in which the loudest thing that can be heard is the unmistakable suction noise of a penis repeatedly entering a vagina, its very easy for them to revert to the typically British stance on publicly viewed sex that is, that it should only occur when watching an episode of Game of Thrones.

To be fair, the challenge of acclimatization wasnt exactly helped by the fact that the first film which, to avoid being implicated in operation YewTree, I should point out was a CARTOON focused on a little girl masturbating. We looked on quietly horrified, but again too British and too polite to protest, while she rolled around amongst the flower buds with a finger on her, uh, flower bud. After what seemed like a fucking eternity these enveloped her in a climatic ecstasy before she re-emerged, a fully fledged and, thankfully legal, woman.

It was, I guess, meant to symbolize sexual awakenings and burgeoning femininity. A theory that I was now desperately trying to convey to my probably-terrified date. I attempted this through what can only be described as a series of gymnastic eyebrow movements. This and the other, equally, if not more, important message of by the way I am not a pedophile. Luckily, while obviously perturbed, his capacity for the downright-fucking-weird/borderline-illegal seemed strong, something that would stand him in good stead if we were to continue dating.

The rest of the porn was, all in all, less controversial something not hard to achieve considering how wed started and catered to a variety of kinks, including bondage, dildo usage and gay sex. In places it was even arty enough to be considered cultural rather than simply perverse. An effort that was possibly wasted on me.

All of this meant that, despite a rocky start, I soon felt a hand on my knee. This was, of course, a welcome development but I couldnt help but check that it was 1) who I thought it was and 2) an invitation and not a cry for help. And yes, on inspection, I found that James expression had changed from one of terror and trepidation to something like the look an extremely hungover person might give a Maccy Ds.*

And, actually, it wasnt just him. It was clear to see that, for others too, the hormones had started to flow and the blood to pump. This, of course, could have been something to do with the wine that had flowed and the beer that had been pumped. Public porn watching, it could be concluded, is all about achieving the right level of lubrication who would have thought it. Either way, people were horny as fuck. Myself included. Although I still kept a wary eye on the bloke on his own in case of any rapid and repetitive arm movements.

Now, if my experiences at weird events have taught me anything, it is to always expect the unexpected. But what came next shocked even me. And I had just been forced to watch cartoon kiddy porn for Gods sake.

Someone only went and fucking proposed!

I kid you not- down on one (probably quite sticky) knee, amongst a sea of twitchy hands and awkward public boners. Im not sure who was more surprised: the gaggle of horny audience members or the blushing bride-to-be. But if she was hesitant about getting betrothed in front of a 20 foot vagina, or in any way wondering how she would relay this story to her grandchildren, she didnt show it as she gleefully accepted. It just goes to show, sometimes the thing more shocking than a guy in a gimp mask having his testicles trodden on, is true love.

Overall, despite the multiple opportunities for awkwardness, embarrassment, and general fucking weirdness, the evening was a success. So much so that the audience, having revealed their true perverted nature, requested the porn reel to be stuck back on while we finished our drinks. Although we were informed, we were going to skip the weird, pervy and paedophilic cartoon from the beginning. It turns out even porn peddlers have their line. And so, our date came to a close to the soundtrack of gentle moans and a now rather drunken Madames proclamations of Its alright for you lot, Ive got to stay and clean up. Youre all going home to fuck each others brains out!

Did we? A lady doesnt kiss and tell.

She does, however, watch porn and write about it.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/07/the-time-i-took-my-date-to-a-porn-cinema/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/161538409377

[allofbeercom]

The Time I Took My Date To A Porn Cinema

With my reputation as a pervert in mind, you would think anyone I asked on a date to the cinema would know to expect more than a trip to the local Odeon and a family sized bucket of popcorn.

James, however, apparently hadnt anticipated that my plans for our evening together would revolve around large-scale cinematic penetration, projected to a room of willing strangers.

More fool him.

Now, when I tell people this story I think most of them envisage a dark, sweaty room full of frantically wanking men on wipeable seats a place where sticky floors are nothing to do with an extra large spilled Coke.

But I am (for the most part) fairly careful to tread the fine line between entertainment-with-a-twist and all-out sexual debauchery. So, what exactly is half-way between a visit to a semen-covered sex den and a trip to see the latest Pixar?

La Freak Smut Cinema is a pop-up event that moves around predominantly East London, normally finding itself a home in classy-but-quirky cocktail bars with suitably dim lighting. The event is run by two madams – in their own words: shes the scholar and Im the slut – and is a naughty and fun alternative for people who are simultaneously too horny and too broke for Secret Cinema.

Upon arrival, its clear that despite the potential for manic masturbators, it is frequented mostly by trendy, middle-class couples who are probably looking for a sexy alternative to having a threesome with the babysitter. And yes, ok, Ill admit it- there was one shifty looking bloke on his own, but his penis, at this stage at least, was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, when you are sat in a room watching porn with strangers, who can really judge who as being a pervert?!

Now, confession time (as if this entire blog wasnt confession enough)- I had actually been to this particular cinema before, as a last ditch attempt to re-ignite the dying embers of a past relationship. It had worked like a Spice Girls reunion, i.e for one night only. But being a rather enjoyable and slightly saucy experience, I didnt see the harm in coming again (no pun intended).

It had worked like a Spice Girls reunion, i.e for one night only.

But there is a problem with attending a porn cinema twice: you look like a bit of a sex pest. Some things, like a love of Celebrity Big Brother or penchant for Pot Noodles, should remain hidden until your prospective suitor is invested enough that they are willing to ignore a vice or two or eight or ten And so, I had neglected to tell my date about my previous public porn experiences.

Any attempts to keep this secret, however, were thwarted on arrival when, as my date suspiciously took in his surroundings, I was greeted by a swift paddle to the arse and an exclamation of Darling, so good to see you again!.

So much for patron confidentiality.

Cat out of the bag we headed to the bar, where I smiled sheepishly, shrugged and ordered a large and very alcoholic drink.

With two, probably quite shocking, revelations made in the space of about five minutes I was impressed that James was still standing. But with giant cocks about to be thrust in his face (not literally, of course) I was worried that a sensitive disposition may suddenly reveal itself and thought it best to change that, so we took our seats and settled in.

Of course, events such as this should, by their nature, attract people of a more free and easy persuasion. But no matter how liberal people consider themselves to be, once confronted by a room in which the loudest thing that can be heard is the unmistakable suction noise of a penis repeatedly entering a vagina, its very easy for them to revert to the typically British stance on publicly viewed sex that is, that it should only occur when watching an episode of Game of Thrones.

To be fair, the challenge of acclimatization wasnt exactly helped by the fact that the first film which, to avoid being implicated in operation YewTree, I should point out was a CARTOON focused on a little girl masturbating. We looked on quietly horrified, but again too British and too polite to protest, while she rolled around amongst the flower buds with a finger on her, uh, flower bud. After what seemed like a fucking eternity these enveloped her in a climatic ecstasy before she re-emerged, a fully fledged and, thankfully legal, woman.

It was, I guess, meant to symbolize sexual awakenings and burgeoning femininity. A theory that I was now desperately trying to convey to my probably-terrified date. I attempted this through what can only be described as a series of gymnastic eyebrow movements. This and the other, equally, if not more, important message of by the way I am not a pedophile. Luckily, while obviously perturbed, his capacity for the downright-fucking-weird/borderline-illegal seemed strong, something that would stand him in good stead if we were to continue dating.

The rest of the porn was, all in all, less controversial something not hard to achieve considering how wed started and catered to a variety of kinks, including bondage, dildo usage and gay sex. In places it was even arty enough to be considered cultural rather than simply perverse. An effort that was possibly wasted on me.

All of this meant that, despite a rocky start, I soon felt a hand on my knee. This was, of course, a welcome development but I couldnt help but check that it was 1) who I thought it was and 2) an invitation and not a cry for help. And yes, on inspection, I found that James expression had changed from one of terror and trepidation to something like the look an extremely hungover person might give a Maccy Ds.*

And, actually, it wasnt just him. It was clear to see that, for others too, the hormones had started to flow and the blood to pump. This, of course, could have been something to do with the wine that had flowed and the beer that had been pumped. Public porn watching, it could be concluded, is all about achieving the right level of lubrication who would have thought it. Either way, people were horny as fuck. Myself included. Although I still kept a wary eye on the bloke on his own in case of any rapid and repetitive arm movements.

Now, if my experiences at weird events have taught me anything, it is to always expect the unexpected. But what came next shocked even me. And I had just been forced to watch cartoon kiddy porn for Gods sake.

Someone only went and fucking proposed!

I kid you not- down on one (probably quite sticky) knee, amongst a sea of twitchy hands and awkward public boners. Im not sure who was more surprised: the gaggle of horny audience members or the blushing bride-to-be. But if she was hesitant about getting betrothed in front of a 20 foot vagina, or in any way wondering how she would relay this story to her grandchildren, she didnt show it as she gleefully accepted. It just goes to show, sometimes the thing more shocking than a guy in a gimp mask having his testicles trodden on, is true love.

Overall, despite the multiple opportunities for awkwardness, embarrassment, and general fucking weirdness, the evening was a success. So much so that the audience, having revealed their true perverted nature, requested the porn reel to be stuck back on while we finished our drinks. Although we were informed, we were going to skip the weird, pervy and paedophilic cartoon from the beginning. It turns out even porn peddlers have their line. And so, our date came to a close to the soundtrack of gentle moans and a now rather drunken Madames proclamations of Its alright for you lot, Ive got to stay and clean up. Youre all going home to fuck each others brains out!

Did we? A lady doesnt kiss and tell.

She does, however, watch porn and write about it.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/07/the-time-i-took-my-date-to-a-porn-cinema/