#which like. good for them i guess but goddddd that comment really took it out of me

[pansy2005]

just saw somebody say “fat people deserve to be included in marketing” we are never getting out of here

[sherlollydramoine]

I Hate U, I Love U

Warnings: 18+ only, strong language, fighting/name calling/sorta bullying, mentions of cheating, alcohol consumption, and smutty mcsmut smut -- unprotected (wrap it before you tap it, it’s the responsible thing to do)

This is just a piece of fiction and don’t necessarily believe that Rami is truly like this, but we’ll never really know. I got a request, so I wrote it. That is all.

This is combining two requests that I’ve had, one for a while, the other just came in. This is for @lablanchett (sorry darling, that it took me so long to get this one out for you. I had another piece that I’d been working on and I just couldn’t make it work the way I wanted, and then I accidentally drunkenly deleted it- I hope this makes up for it) and @aulile for their requests: Rami and gf fight and have steamy makeup sex, and Rami and gf have a fight and Rami says some mean shit. Hope this fits in with the idea of whatever it was that you both were looking for. 

Word Count: 1890, again this is actually just a reallllllly long HC.

“I don’t fucking believe you!!” you yelled.

“Seriously, how fucking stupid are you to not believe it?” he questioned.

“Obviously verrrry stupid, because you can’t make me believe any of it! You’ve lied to me before, how is this any different?” you countered, trying to prove your point.

“When did I lie to you?”

“When you were in London. You fed me some ‘oh we’re just friends’ bullshit.”

“That was different than this.

“How? How is this different? You cheated on me once, why should I believe you now?”

“Goddddd… YN you are such a fucking bitch. I don’t have the fucking time to deal with your temper tantrums today.”

“Then don’t. I’m gone. You’ve lied, lied, lied, and I’m fucking done!”

“Fine! But you’ll regret this if you walk out that door!”

“I don’t give a fuck anymore Rami, I don’t! I’m tired of being the faithful, loyal servant to you… or shall I say to you, your fucking royal highness. That Oscar win did sure go straight to your fucking head. You’ve become the ‘I can do whatever I want because I’m rich and famous’ type that you always said you hated.

“YN, seriously?”

You stormed off in the direction of your bedroom. You refuse to put up with this shit any longer, you need to escape, to get away and start fresh somewhere.

He followed you into your shared bedroom where you were grabbing a suitcase out of the closet and began chucking random items into it.

“So you’re really leaving me, is that it?”

“What the fuck does it look like. I told you that I’m done, so I’m fucking done.”

His demeanor completely changed, his body stiffened, his mouth set in a hard line, when he turned on his heel and stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the bedroom door in his wake. You watched a picture fall off the wall and shatter into a million pieces on the hardwood. 

You could hear the garage door open, followed shortly by the sounds of his car tires squealing out of the driveway.

You almost broke down in tears, but you had to stick to your guns. You weren’t actually entirely sure that he had done what you had accused him of, but you couldn’t handle the stress that being with him entailed anymore. And you couldn’t take back any of the hurtful words that you spat out.

You love him, very deeply, but sometimes he makes your blood boil.

Throwing whatever other random shit you think you might need, you slam the suitcase shut and zip it closed, you take off to the garage, get in your car and you certainly don’t look back

It took you a solid twelve weeks to stop crying, but eventually the hurt turned into more of a constant dull ache. It had been over seven months now since you’d seen him, and since then you’d flourished at work, gotten the promotion that you’d been working towards, and had made a bunch of new friends. 

You still talk to some of your old friends, the shared friends, but most of the communication with them died the moment you shut down all of your social media accounts.

Life was great for you, even though the hurt was still there, and despite the fact that you were living in a tiny ass shithole apartment in a shit part of LA, you were happy. You told yourself you didn’t need him, and you believed it

You had closed all your social media accounts, and turned off any and all notifications that came up with his name on your phone. You’d changed your number, and blocked his  just for good measure. You did this for your sanity. 

Your boyfriend was famous and you didn’t want to see all the shit that was being said about you online. You two had plenty of naysayers online and it would have dealt a crippling blow to your mental health.

So you honestly avoid using the internet at all, unless it’s necessary.

It was when you were nearing the eight month mark in your breakup that you saw him for the first time since you’d left. 

You were out for drinks with some of your friends, who were at that moment in time giving you shit for not being on any social media, when you saw him. 

You fought the urge to run and you kept your head down, not allowing yourself to openly stare like some of the others around you. Though you couldn’t help but notice that he looked kind of like shit. He seems as if he’d aged dramatically in nearly eight months, he looked too thin, and very worn down.

It was your turn to buy the round of shots so you made your way to the bar, standing on the opposite side from where he was sitting, occupying one of the stools.

You thought you’d remained out of sight until you heard a familiar voice behind you say your name.

You sighed audibly and turned around, ready to fight if necessary. You’ve done well without him, not sure you could say the same for him though.

“Yes?” you snipped, turning around to face the one person that you really didn’t want to deal with.

“I thought that was you. Wow, you uhhh… you look good.” You knew you did, but you couldn’t say the same for him. 

“Looks like I can’t say the same about.” you replied.

“Wow. You still are that same feisty woman that I knew and loved.”

“What the fuck do you want Rami? How can I help you tonight? I’m out with some friends and it’s just my turn to get the drinks.”

“I don’t want anything. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you is all.”

“Rami, I miss you too, every day. It took me three months to stop crying, and I really wanted to apologize for everything I said that day, but I can’t take it back and I’m not sure I want to.”

“I wanted to apologize to you too, and to tell you that you weren’t wrong. The things you accused me of doing. I did cheat, and I got caught. I tried to lie, but I should have known better.”

You suddenly felt as if you’d been hit in the stomach and all you wanted to do was cry. 

“Thank you for finally admitting to the truth. I appreciate it. Look…. Oh God.. I’m going to regret this, but I’ve changed my number and I’ve blocked your old one. Is your number stilll the same?”

“No.”

“Give me your phone.” you demanded.

He doesn’t hesitate as he hands you his phone, you still remember his unlock pattern, so you swiped it and went into his ‘CONTACTS’ section. You entered your name and new number.

“Please Rami, don’t make me regret this.”

He smiled, a genuine toothy smile, the same one that he was famous for as he took his phone back.

“Can I give you a hug?” he asks.

“Sure I guess, why the hell not.”

He wraps his arms around you and squeezes tight, probably tighter than he should have, but you breath him in and a flood of memories came rushing back. The good, the bad, the truly ugly; you just wanted him back.

“Thank you” he says, with a smile.

He didn’t make you regret your decision to give you his number and over the next five months you’ve slowly allowed him back into your life. You’ve not been intimate but you’ve remained good friends. He slowly started to look healthier again, less gaunt and looking much more like he used to before you had left him. 

One day mid-September you suddenly started to feel really sad, and then you remembered. Your anniversary. You two would have been celebrating five years together.

You randomly call Rami and to see if he was available to come over, in which he stated that he was. You were nervous as he’d never actually been to your place before. It certainly wasn’t what he had become accustomed to over the past few years. This place was a dump. 

When he finally showed up, he just slowly walked around your apartment, not really commenting unless it’s a casual,”I like what you’ve done with your space. It feels so homey and so very you.”

He appeared oblivious to the reason for your sudden need to see him, and with an urgency you didn’t expect you pounced on him.

He was caught off guard by your sudden grip on his collar as you pulled him to you which resulted in him nearly tripping over the rug you had on the floor in your living room, your lips crashing into his with a force that almost made your teeth clash together.

Lips locked in a heated kiss, that had you whimpering with need in no time. You could feel him erection straining against his pants.

Moving towards your bedroom and wasting no time in shedding clothing, both of your hands going everywhere before his find out core, his fingers working their magic on you as you bucked your hips furiously against his hand. Your moans filling the small room. 

You came around his fingers with a cry of his name.

Looking up at him, silently begging, you felt him line himself up with your entrance as he slide into you roughly.

His hips pounding into yours, fucking into you with an animalistic urgency.

“OOOOHHHH GODDDDD YESSSSSSSS RAMIIIIIIIIII RAMIIIIII” you screamed

The bed rocking violently, headboard banging into the wall, like a beating drum

Your hands clawed at his back, and your hips moving in time to each others thrusts

“YESSS YN...THATS MY GIRL… CUM BABY… CUM FOR ME” he moaned 

His hands on your hips holding you steady as your walls began clenching around him for the second time that night, 

With another scream of his name, you came undone, body quaking, as you felt his cock twitch and he followed shortly with a shout of your name as he spilled his warm essence into you.

He collapsed on top of you, both of you just tangled together a sweaty panting mess

“That was the best possible makeup sex ever” he laughed into your hair.

“Yeah, like thirteen months later.” you pointed out, before somehow dissolving into a fit of giggles.

“So, what brought this on?”

“It would have been our five year anniversary in a few days, and I was sad. I decided that I wanted you back. You’ve proven to me that you’ve changed, and I still love you. So… can we almost pretend that these last thirteen month never happened? Do you really want me back Rami?”

He never said yes or no, instead he captured your lips in another kiss before he mumbled,”Give me a few minutes, and then we can really piss off your neighbors.”

You just giggle again, snuggle into his chest and tell him that you are happy to oblige, as you hate your neighbors. Because at least three times a week they have really loud fights, intense fights followed by what sounds like really intense makeup sex themselves. So that can’t even begin to judge you for getting laid in the year that you’ve lived here.

@txmel @xmxisxforxmaybe @itsme690 @mrhoemazzello @ramimedley @free-rami @r-ahh-mi

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 219: Two Good Boys and One Unlucky Broker

Previously on BnHA: Katsuki and Shouto had their licenses for all of 30 minutes (literally) before deciding to put them to the test. But let’s backtrack a bit! It was a beautiful snowy day in December and class 1-A was chilling out and watching the news. We were introduced to a company called Detnerat, and their CEO who’s apparently a big fan of this dead terrorist guy named Destro who wrote a book about quirk supremacy and how people with superpowers need to rise up and liberate themselves and shit. It’s actually really interesting and I can see how these ideas would create a divide within hero society much like Stain’s ideology did. But anyway, so the CEO casually murdered his assistant for mocking these ideas, so that was deeply horrifying. And then he went to meet with some other villains (because yeah! he’s a villain, apparently!) who are apparently descendants of Destro (as is he, I presume), and they talked about how they’re gonna arrange a meetup with the League of Villains so that they can FUCK THEM UP. Plot twist! Anyways and then we cut to some hapless citizens who were being robbed by some banditos, and that’s when Katsuki and Shouto showed up as previously mentioned. So let’s see how this goes!

Today on BnHA: Katsuki and Shouto take on Soda Sam (who I really did think was Aizawa’s old buddy for much longer than I’m proud to admit though), who fights back with some pressurized water jets. All Might saves a stupid Instagram lady and Katsuki saves the both of them, and also recovers everyone’s stolen wallets, because he’s a fucking boy scout now that the provisional course is over. Meanwhile Shouto whips out the ol’ hot+cold power combo of sports festival fame and knocks the villain out. Afterwards the two of them are enthusiastically congratulated by a pro hero called Slidin’ Go (who’s secretly evil, as it turns out, because this is a very strange arc) and hair ruffled by All Might and it’s fucking great you guys. We then cut back to the Detnerat guys, who bring in Giran, a.k.a. the League of Villains’ black market broker who just so happens to have balls of fucking steel. Good thing too, because the DetCEO plans to use him to track down and lure out the League so he can take care of them. Lastly, we cut over to said League, whose members are currently in the process of having their asses handed to them by Gigantomachia and are really not looking too hot, oh dear.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 225 -- I haven’t read 226 yet -- so any ETAs will reflect that.)

so it’s come to this. the Symbol of Peace, reduced to directing traffic

listen kid, you’ll have time for autographs later all right? for now just DO AS THE MAN SAYS

meanwhile Shouto’s being a badass

Bakugou may be out of his element in the cold (and we’ll see if this poses a problem for him--he’s only got one gauntlet on top of that), but this lil lukewarm lad is fine and dandy

loooooll

you tell ‘em Shouto. that’s some nice property damage there son. I hope Katsuki tries to keep his own quirk contained, the last thing we need is you guys getting billed Mt. Lady style for destroying fucking main street here all of 25 minutes after getting those licenses laminated

(ETA: I guess he didn’t actually do any lasting damage though? hopefully nothing got flood damaged when he melted all of that afterwards.)

the title of the chapter is “go! sliding go!” which sounds like fun. sounds like more icy goodness

(ETA: why did they name this chapter after the weirdly unsettling and secretly evil THE FULLLLLL BULLPENNN hero, though?? my working theory is that it was Horikoshi’s way of ensuring we wouldn’t just immediately forget he existed so that we could be properly surprised when he returned a few chapters later.)

anyway so Aizawa’s cloudy friend is shaking off the ice, and now he’s chewing the boys out for fucking up his big purse-snatching operation

all that for a handful of wallets?? seriously??

LMAO

I don’t know if it’s that I’m becoming more like him, or if he’s just becoming more like me. but either way Katsuki you gotta get out of my head there kiddo, I’m starting to worry here

by the way is it just me or is he actually higher up than he was just a few seconds ago. are you actually climbing this thing. drunk on adrenaline or what

anyway so Kumo, who may or may not actually be him but we’re just assuming for now, is explaining that he controls carbonated water and he lives for thrills. his words. not mine

okay first of all, no you don’t. fucking no one in this series has more resolve than that lil monkey slowly inching his way up towards that traffic light there

and second, you spent a whole goddamn month planning a purse heist. where the fuck did you get these airs you’re putting on dude

wow you guys

I feel like we should be placing bets not on whether Baku and Todo will win, but on how long it’ll actually take them. I’m thinking not very fucking long

(ETA: this whole thing is wrapped up within ten pages. I could have literally have been present on the scene, said to myself “my what a lovely snowy day, I think I’ll go buy myself some hot chocolate,” ducked into the Starbucks on the corner, and it would have all been over by the time I stepped back out. “you missed it!!” shouts the excited ‘it’s All Might�� kid from page one. “there was ice and explosions and this stupid lady almost got All Might crushed with a pole!”)

MY DUDES WHAT IS THIS??

SIX IN ONE GO. THIS HIGH SCHOOLER IS THE FUTURE NUMBER ONE HERO I’LL HAVE YOU SUCKERS KNOW

AHHAHAHAHAHA

I’M LOVING IT. I’M LOVING THIS. FUCK ‘EM UPPPPP KATSUKI

WHERE’S THAT RESOLVE OF YOURS NOWWWWW

holy shit. it occurs to me that this is only the third time in the series we’ve actually seen him fight real villains. and the second time was at Kamino, and he was pretty much just on the defensive there and trying to keep them all at a distance, so it’s debatable whether or not that really counts. so basically this is the first time since USJ that he’s gotten to just let loose against a bunch of mooks. and I’ve only just realized how much I wanted this omg

apparently he wanted it too lol. also I’m surprised and extremely impressed that he can control his trajectory that well with only one arm. gives me hope that Shouto’ll be going airborne like his pop any day now

anyway so Kumo? is fighting back though

watch out Katsuki he’s got seltzer and he’s not afraid to use it

okay but damn though

is this fucking seltzer water slicing through this metal lamp post??

I just took a brief break from reading this chapter to go look up “water saw” videos on YouTube to try and get an idea of what exactly we may be dealing with there. and well, I found this. so uh. depends on what kind of firepower that thing on his arm is packing I guess. but he might be more trouble than I anticipated

meanwhile!

ALL MIGHT LET HER GO IT’S NATURAL SELECTION

FUCK

IF THIS STUPID LADY GETS ALL MIGHT KILLED IN FRONT OF THESE TWO BOYS WHO WERE SO GUNG-HO ABOUT FINALLY GETTING THEIR LICENSES, SHE BETTER PRAY THE GATES OF HELL CAN PROTECT HER BECAUSE I’M GONNA GET ME SOME FUCKING BOLT CUTTERS AND FOLLOW HER DOWN THERE MARK MY WORDS

OH THANK GOD

oh my goddddd

first of all, whew. and second of all I’m so glad Horikoshi let him have that moment, rather than Shouto. just in case there were any lingering haters out there thinking his heart still wasn’t in the right place and that the only reason he was all TEAM RESCUE, BITCHES in the previous arc was because he wanted to win

and I mean, he did, obviously. but IT CAN BE TWO THINGS, and now we have a nice little moment here with him rescuing his dad (whose body moved before he could think, AS USUAL) and this stupid lady who put her Instagram above her own fucking life

meanwhile

okay Shouto you have my permission to kick his ass

yeah go ahead and fuck him up

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

PETITION TO PUT SHOUTO IN “GUESS I’VE GOT NO CHOICE” SITUATIONS MORE OFTEN

wow not!Kumo, he is literally the worst possible opponent you could have had huh. sucks to be you

lol Katsuki’s mad that Shouto got to be a badass

they’re getting along so well now. Shouto completely knows how to handle him, he’s like a Kirishima 2.0. he just completely ignores the fact that Katsuki is shrieking insults, and responds as though the questions were phrased normally

and Katsuki actually answers him despite everything. I know it’s crazy, but this is seriously progress

now Dad is running over to make sure they’re okay

“oh, All Might. didn’t see you there. we were just out here being heroic heroes. [stretches casually; yawns] all in a day’s work”

at least he didn’t reference his kidnapping! Kacchan’s protesting but really that’s the best he could have hoped for

so the dude’s asking if they did all of this and uh, yeah. who do think they are, amateurs? I’ll have you know they have provisional licenses, sir

did this motherfucker just pull 13 fucking wallets out of fucking hammerspace to hand over. Link?? is that you??

holy shit. is that why your pants were always so baggy?? WERE YOU JUST BEING PREPARED THIS WHOLE TIME

so not only did Katsuki not destroy so much as an inch of public property (aside from the pole which was already destroyed), he even had the forethought to rescue everyone’s wallets and hand them over to the authorities like the good law-abiding citizen he is

where the fuck is Gang Orca, I need to send that man a fucking fruit bouquet or something

oh my

new favorite panel alert

so this guy, whose name is apparently Sliding Go, says he’ll take care of the rest. okay. thanks man

meanwhile definitely!not!Kumo!mybad!sometimesI’mwrong’s little jet nozzle gauntlets are... exploding??

Detnerat? possibly??

good eye there Sherlock

so I wonder if they got them from Detnerat or from that black market guy the League’s associated with... Giran? I think is his name??

oh shit!!!

new new favorite panel alert

love how Shouto seems shocked at the unexpected gesture of fatherly affection (which hurts my heart. hey All Might you got room for a third son there), whereas Bakugou is just accepting it and probably even knew it was coming and is just trying to keep his cool and trying to calculate how long he can stand there basking in All Might’s pride before it starts to look like he’s actually enjoying it

sdflkjasldkj

SWEETHEART USE YOUR WORDS

Shoutooooooooo. ;_; that little smile is killing me, I’m melting. once the initial surprise wore off he was so happy. look at him shyly fumbling with his tie oh my baby I love you so much

oh to be a fly on the wall of that taxi cab. watching the two of them sit in the backseat as far away from each other as possible and looking out the window and being so pleased with themselves after all their hard work finally paid off. and meanwhile All Might in the front seat next to the driver, peeking at them in the rearview mirror and smiling softly

also fly!me would definitely try to sneak a peek at Katsuki’s fucking hero license because HORIKOSHI COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY WHY IS IT ALWAYS SECRET AFTER FUCKING SECRET

and I guess that’s that! a very satisfying fight that lasted all of 10 pages but had several cool moves, an opponent with a cool quirk, and several character development moments! that’s how it’s done! god this series has been fucking killing it lately I swear. I hope I’m not jinxing it but this is some good shit. the artwork and pacing are great, I’m liking the new plot so far... just, keep it up, Horikoshi, please

(ETA: for real though he is crushing it)

so now we’re cutting back to the ol’ villain corporate office in Gotham City or wherever

ah, so it was Detnerat!

well I can’t say this is a huge surprise. I imagine the villain market was too tempting to pass up

!!!

I swear to god this had better be more entertaining than the last League of Villains team-up

so now this dude with the shiniest, most luxurious hair I’ve ever seen is explaining that he worked fast because DetCEO told him “do so at once” and his words are the words of Destro

damn so there’s a pretty clear hierarchy here huh

OH SHIT

THAT’S FUCKING GIRAN. THAT’S THE DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO TO HIM?? FIRST A MURDER IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER AND NOW THE LEAGUE OF VILLAINS’ FAVORITE BROKER IS GETTING FUCKING TORTURED BY CORPORATE THUGS, WHAT THE FUCK. ARE WE IN FOR ANOTHER HARDCORE ARC

(ETA: indeed we are, but this one is so much better though.)

careful, he’s sensitive and clearly not afraid to kill a bitch for less than that, Giran

!!

“the old man”?? is he talking about DetCEO’s father? or his? surely he’s not talking about AFO?

so now President Why So Serious is asking him how much he wants

and Giran is all “I happen to be picky about who I do business with, and since you all just kidnapped and beat the shit out of me, I’m inclined to say ‘no’ here”

(ETA: Giran is a stand up guy and it cost him a fucking hand. well that’s the risk you run when you work in the criminal underworld I guess.)

holy shit Giran

RIP Giran 2015-2019

but damn though, I gotta hand it to the guy, he’s got a bigger pair than I ever expected

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay so I’m just gonna post the whole page and break it down

GIRAN IS FUCKED. THIS GUY IS A MANIAC AND HE’S LEGIT GONNA TORTURE THE INFO OUT OF HIM HOLY SHIT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AGAIN

GIGANTOMACHIA IS FUCKING INSANE

AND HOW DID HE GET SO BIG

AND IS COMPRESS FUCKING DEAD. AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BEST VILLAIN GIRL TOGA OMG

SPINNER IF THERE WAS EVER A TIME TO REVEAL YOUR QUIRK AND HAVE IT TURN OUT TO BE REALLY BADASS IT’S NOW BUDDY

DABI AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU WERE OUT PLANNING NOUMU SHIT WITH HAWKS AND NOT DEALING WITH THIS UTTER SHITSHOW

IS IT JUST ME OR DOES TOMURA LOOK A LITTLE BUFFER THAN BEFORE? YOU BEEN LIFTING BRO

HOW AND WHY DID THEY GET TO THESE CLIFFS IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, GIGANTO YOU’D BETTER WATCH IT, BECAUSE TOMURA MORE THAN LIKELY IS TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO BEAT YOU WITHOUT KILLING YOU, BUT IF HE DOES DECIDE HE WANTS TO KILL YOU, YOU’LL BE PRETTY HARD-PRESSED TO STOP HIM DUDE

oh my god. this is three awesome chapters in a row now. BnHA is killing it, seriously

[yessoupy]

annual writing self-evaluation (2019)

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self evaluation:

here’s the 2018 eval!

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

your skin makes me cry (the walking dead, daryl/jesus)

yellow (harry/reader)

and.... that’s it!!!! yeesh.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Not that I have a lot of works to choose from, but I’m genuinely proud of YSMMC, my very first longfic. I put so much into that fic and actually FINISHED it. And I’ve re-read it a few times top to bottom and STILL love it. It’s probably my favorite piece of my writing ever.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I like them both, lol. But I guess I can say I wished I’d been able to write more.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I re-read YSMMC on the plane so I could do this. This is my favorite passage, from Chapter 16 (warning: scene is explicit, and why I’m cutting the rest):

Daryl felt him, all over, from the tips of Paul’s hair slipping over his shoulder to brush against Daryl’s chest to Paul’s hand grazing up over his ribs and up his good arm to intertwine their fingers… “You feel fuckin’ amazing,” he groaned, clutching Paul’s hand.

“Shut up,” Paul hissed, hips stuttering and hand clenching tight.

Daryl swept his free hand down Paul’s side and on around to his ass, pulling him closer. “That an order?”

“That’s a ‘shut up or I’ll come before I get to fuck you like I want to.’”

“I make you feel that good?”

“Fuck. You have no idea, do you?” Paul panted, pulling out all slow and gentle, making Daryl’s toes curl and his eyes squeeze shut when he thrust back in. “Hottest thing I’ve ever seen, you lying here for me. You hear those sounds you’re making? Like you can’t help it, like what I’m doing is just what you need—”

“That’s right—” And it was, more than he’d thought it could be, a return to what he’d been denying himself, or maybe wasn’t ready to give himself, for all this time. He blinked open his eyes and Paul was right there. “You’re right,” he breathed.

“Shut up,” Paul repeated, eyes soft and full of something Daryl knew how to name.

“Shut me up,” he ordered, letting himself feel it instead of naming it, taking the moment for the rest of what it was—Paul inside him, finally, like the final piece in a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle he was afraid he’d lost pieces of. That’s right, he thought, eyes rolling back as Paul took him in hand. That’s right.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

@gaydaryl left my favorite comments on YSMMC over on AO3. I’m reposting all of them because it felt like everything i had consciously tried to do and put into daryl’s character was getting picked up and appreciated. 😍 v affirming [spoilers ahead.... lol]

on chapter 18:

this entire fic is like a warm hug and makes my entire body get the weak gay tremblies!!!! desus's dynamic is so good the entire way through and also daryl having had a husband before and it never being a point of contention and paul getting it and talking about jesse with him... god. it's so beautiful

also i've always been a sucker for "asshole but trying to be a good brother" merle characterization, and this Hit The Spot

i love this !! so much!! i can't wait to see the rest

chapter 19:

OH MY GODDDDD this was MORE than worth waiting for it's BEAUTIFUL i LOVE this fic their complete faith in each other is so good. and daryl's line about negan losin to TWO? SEXY OF HIM

chapter 20:

this fic the entire way through felt like such a breath of fresh air. having daryl be confident in his being gay, having had a long term relationship before, the absolute softness with which you wrote it all... it's so good. i loved it so much and it's one of my fave fics ever, i think, because the characterization is so utterly perfect and feels so real. thank you so much for writing it! 

💜💜💜

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

That last chapter just did NOT want to get figured out. Didn’t help that I was heading into the worst mental health of my life. And then after I finished that fic in September, I ... stopped writing. I’m only just now getting to a place where I can imagine again.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Reader, lol! Yellow came from a dream I had and the feel of it wouldn’t leave me so I had to translate it into words somehow. It only made sense to write it from that point of view, which was not one I ever thought I’d find a use for.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

From last year’s: “It’d be great to actually have the ability to write something long. I feel like the ideas I have are for short pieces.” I 100% accomplished that. I feel much more comfortable writing explicit scenes, although they still take so much more effort than basically any other isolated scene. 😩

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I want to contribute to more fandoms. I have been nudging along at a timestamp for YSMMC, I’d like to write more in-universe TWD (not canon, because Fuck Canon is my refrain for like, everything), I want to venture back into Star Wars and positively contribute there, and of course baseball!Harry. Maybe even... Prodigal Son? Who knows! the Chappy/Olson from 2018 needs a sequel.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

For the second year running, @chasm2018. My go-to beta is not as comfortable with helping to improve explicit scenes and Hannah volunteering to not only offer help with those but also the rest of the fic... invaluable! Couldn’t have done it without her. And I definitely owe her baseball!Harry.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

Anytime you see something about a character being insecure in some way about their queerness, that’s me. an example, from your skin makes me cry:

There was a rainbow flag tacked up over his desk. Daryl had known because of what Rick had said when they were out for drinks, that Paul never tried to hide and managed to avoid any bullshit about it because he was so good at his job, but it was another thing to see those bright colors just out there for everyone to see.

“Problem?” Paul asked, a hard edge to his voice.

Daryl had been caught staring at the flag. Fuck, now Paul probably thought he was some ignorant hick homophobe. “No, ‘course not.” He cleared his throat. “Me too. Nice to have some company, ‘s all.” He wanted to punch himself, wanted to slink away out of sheer embarrassment. He hated every time he had to do this. In his head he knew that Paul wouldn’t think less of him, but he couldn’t help but think he didn’t exactly look like he belonged with all the other people who could put rainbow flags up over their desks. Only places he ever felt like he really belonged was out on his bike or in the shop. Only places he felt like he belonged anymore, anyway.

Paul didn’t say any of the worst things he could have said. Daryl had heard them all from well-meaning people who didn’t realize how all of those phrases cut him in different ways. “Oh, I could tell,” was just as bad as, “Oh, I never would have guessed,” if for different reasons. Paul just smiled and said, “Thank you for telling me.” Then they walked together the short distance down the hall to Eugene’s office where Paul told him to let him doing the talking.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Same as always: write what you want to read. And don’t be intimidated by the writing of others. :)

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I left Poe and Marek alone for ANOTHER year. I keep opening those docs and poking at them and now with the sequel trilogy done maybe I can shape them up. 

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired