#which it’s probably not intended that way but it sounds kind of ableist to me

[madlyn5ever]

Why is there so little autistic Blair Waldorf content on the internet- she’s SO autistic. I could go in to extensive nearly essay long detail about this.

(My tags are a little aggravated, and I apologize but it angers me so much when allistics shut down someone noticing autistic traits in a character just because it’s a character they like or relate to, and them being autistic would for some reason mean they can’t like them? Or find them relatable? You can like autistic people and relate to them sometimes and no one is gonna assume you’re autistic dude.)

[djhedy]

what is canon and should we respect it (a not-essay on aftg fandom)

i want to write an *entire* essay on this but i am between meds right now so exhausted and suffering a HEAT WAVE (uk?? why! we are normally so temperate) and also there's always a risk of sounding patronising when trying to put your opinions/experience across, so i'll try to write briefly and wotnot

what is canon:

"the material accepted as officially part of the story in an individual universe of that story" or, as we'd probably all put it "wot the author wrote"

why this matters, and why the author matters - our characters wouldn't exist without them

beyond a basic respect for the author, which i would define as like not being a bitch to them (because every human being has feelings, and this is something easily forgotten on the internet), we land on the question "should we respect canon"

well... maybe?

it sort of depends why you're here. the experience of literature/art can be defined a few ways: what the author intended, what the reader experiences, the impact on society.

what nora intended: if you care, she's written a lot of extra content on tumblr. but given that the majority of people who read the books probably won't care enough to find the extra content, this isn't canon. it isn't canon because it isn't in the books of the story. calling it canon is gatekeeping. but it's SUPER FUN and i enjoy seeing what nora's interpretation of her own characters are. thanks nora we luv u.

the impact on society: people get SO UPSET about this question. and it's a reasonable question for sure. art does impact society and vice versa. i just kind of don't think this is the big deal you think it is. people are always hunting for signs of homophobia, sexism, transphobia etc in fandom works. and like... sure, you can do that if you'll enjoy it. this essay isn't really about this, and i don't want to ramble. but aftg is an indie publication. its impact is so insubstantial. maybe chill out. the people who are like AARON IS HOMOPHOBIC BUT ANDREW THE MURDERER IS UWU or, opposite, SETH DESERVED REDEMPTION AND MATT IS ABLEIST - my guys it's a book. these characters are flawed. literature isn't meant to be a pinnacle of morals (unless... it is) and we're supposed to love these characters because they work through their flaws and settle into who they are. are they still dicks at the end? sure! it's fun. not everything has to be light and perfect. and you'll have more fun with art if you stop hunting for homophobes in the fandom of an independent publication with a few thousand readers. that's not how to succeed at the gay agenda. we're on it, i promise.

WHAT THE READER EXPERIENCES: this is the big one! you know when you read a book or watch a film and say "oh wow so it was about THIS, THIS was the important bit!" and someone disagrees? well, they're not wrong and you're not wrong. experience is a whole thing. what someone has experienced in life before they come to the art, what they experience during the art itself. art is a communication from the creator to the audience and that communication is subtle and will be different for *every* single person.

this will upset a lot of people, but it isn't canon that neil is demisexual. the label isn't mentioned once in the books. can it be inferred? ABSOLUTELY. he's demi in all of my fanfics because i personally love it. but nora mentioning it in extra content does not make it canon, in the same way that jkr telling everyone she saw dumbledore as gay after the books, does not make it canon. #theauthorisdead (but let's still be nice to them. ...unless you're jkr. fuck jkr.)

my point is just that canon doesn’t always matter. collectively most of us have decided neil is demi, which is important rep to a lot of people without rep. how sexy of us.

and experience matters. there will be people to whom it's important to write neil as not-very-demi. there will be people to whom it's important to write neil as super ace. be kind to each other.

i've decided i need to add another heading.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF FANFICTION?

to preserve canon? no, because... nora already did that. there's a huge amount of fun to be had trying to write neil and andrew as *accurately* as possible - but this *accuracy* will be different from person to person. because a work of literature is complicated and writing is hard and - individual experience. we've already gone through that. but like, have you ever tried to write andrew's dialogue accurately, the way he speaks like he's half-high half-shakespearean?? it's DIFFICULT. i have tried.

you know what's also fun? experimenting. what would their relationship be like if neil was an alcoholic. what if andrew liked wearing dresses. what if one of them cheated. what if matt died of a drug overdose.

in my head the point of fanfiction is EXPLORATION.

sometimes you're exploring the characters as accurately to your experience of them as possible, sometimes you're adding a new element in to see how they would react. let's be honest, that new element is usually something you're obsessed with in your own life. gender presentation? why people cheat? why people relapse? why relationships break down?

anyway, back to the list.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF FANFICTION?

to dick around and have a nice time? yes.

to work through your own identities/traumas/what have you? probably if you're anything like me and basically everyone i know in the fandom lol.

i think this is everything i want to say.

no wait i lied! final point.

if you've ever studied literature or philosophy the first things they teach you is to question *everything*. for example: what is fanfiction, what is canon, "we have to respect canon" do we??

if you've heard someone using the word "feminisation" to mean "make neil soft uwu", rather than repeating the word, question why it's being used here. what does feminise mean, what does soft mean. maybe you love the dark side to neil, maybe other people like the side of him that can heal.

there's nothing wrong with playing with sexual dynamics and relationship dynamics. sometimes you might be writing something cliched, homophobic, sexist - if you work out you are doing that, maybe stop it. on the other hand lots of couples *do* play out the dynamics of - trousers on in the bedroom, trousers on in the relationship. it's not homophobic to depict a homosexual relationship where one is subby and one is dommy. it exists. so like, chill a little.

and remember you are not always right and everyone is different?

man did i accidentally make this patronising?

woops.

lots of love hedy x

[foilfreak]

Beauty and Her Beast: Chapter 2

Warning: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

(Link to ao3 version in comments below)

Chapter 2:

The journey to Mother Miranda’s personal laboratory was much shorter and more enjoyable than the original walk to the meeting site, in Salvatore’s humble opinion.

Mother Miranda was mostly quiet, distant, and preoccupied throughout the duration of the walk, even more so than normal. That being said however, while this sort of behavior would usually spell disaster for whichever one of the 4 lords was forced to be in her presence during these sorts of moods, in this situation, Mother Miranda did not appear tense or agitated or hostile like she usually would be. Just lost in thought. As though she were only quiet because she was too busy thinking about something else to speak. She didn’t even seem to mind his various attempts at starting conversation, which surprised, but endlessly delighted, the mutant man.

‘Mother must be in a very good mood today. She hasn’t hit me or told me to shut up the whole time we’ve been together. Maybe she’s made another breakthrough with the cadou? I’d certainly be very happy if I were in her shoes’ Salvatore excitedly thought to himself as the woman in question stepped forward to unlock and open the large steel door of her personal laboratory, allowing Salvatore to step into the facility before closing and locking it again behind her.

“Moreau, do you recall the set of mutation experiments I began at the beginning of last year?” The raven mother asked, turning around and beginning to quickly make her way down the long, dark corridor.

“Y-you mean… the o-ones with the new c-cadou strain th-that I… that I d-developed… f-for you?” Salvatore stutters, breath labored and body struggling to keep up with the taller woman’s vastly larger steps.

“Correct” Mother Miranda says, turning a corner. “As impressed as I was with the final results of this particular strain, I’m afraid it still isn’t good enough. None of the subjects I implanted with cadou last year turned out to be favorable candidates.”

Salvatore stops in his tracks, a look of horror and agony on his face as news that he’d failed mother once again practically tears him apart from the inside out. “O-oh Mother… I-im so s-s-sorry to h-hear that… b-but don’t w-worry… I’ll-I’ll try h-harder next t-time… I w-won’t fail y-you again Mother, so p-please… please j-just give me a-another chance to get it r-right… i b-beg of y-you…”

Mother Miranda stops and turns toward the mutated lord, staring at him in silence as he drops to his knees and grovels at her feet, begging desperately for his failures to be forgiven.

“Off your knees, Moreau, this behavior is unbecoming of a Lord such as yourself. Besides, I never said that you were the one to blame for the lack of successful results, nor am I necessarily displeased by the fact that these experiments yielded failed vessels.”

Salvatore allows his gaze to rise to his mother’s face, where, true to her words, the parts of Miranda’s face that Salvatore could make out from behind her mask did not appear marred with the familiar expressions of anger and disappointment that the 4 lords were usually met with after another round of failed vessels.

“Y-you’re… you’re not upset with m-me?” The deformed man asks, his voice laced with shock and disbelief.

“No, my child, I’m not upset with you. While these experiments may have ended in failure, they did provide me with useful information that may prove to be pertinent to our mission in the near future. In fact, as I said earlier, the reason why I’ve brought you here is because I want to give you a gift, as a reward for all your incredible work. Did you expect me to be upset with you simply because this round proved unsuccessful as well? Do you really think so poorly of your loving mother, who works tirelessly to ensure her children are happy and rewarded for all their faith and trust in me?” Mother Miranda sniveled pitifully, turning her gaze away in mock dejection as Salvatore, horrified that he’d insulted and hurt her somehow, scrambles to his feet, gently taking both of Miranda’s hands into his own and holding the supple skin to his bloated and deformed face, desperately hoping this would comfort her.

“No no no no, o-of course n-not, Mother… I-I’d never expect s-something like th-that from y-you… and-and I k-know better… b-better than a-anyone… just h-how h-hard you w-work… not j-just on y-your experiments… but f-for all o-of us… too… you l-l-love us… you… love ME… I-I’ll always love y-you, Mother… always” Salvatore blurts, stumbling over his words as he tries desperately to comfort Mother Miranda, an effort he’s seemingly rewarded for, when Miranda takes one of her hands away and brings it back to the top of Salvatore’s head, once again gently brushing her hand against it.

Salvatore’s knees nearly give out from under him as the heavenly sensation washes throughout his body like a raging typhoon, leaving him feeling tired and weak yet hungry and wanting for more, though whatever that “more” was, Salvatore was quick to beat it back down deep within himself, knowing this was neither the time nor the place for him to be entertaining such… primal desires about someone like Mother Miranda, no matter how little he intends to act on them.

“Thank you, Moreau. You always know exactly what to say to make Mother feel better. You’re such a good boy” Mother Miranda says, making sure to put extra emphasis onto the last two words as she reaches forward and pulls Salvatore closer to her.

“G-g-g-gggg… good… boy… me?” Salvatore chokes, tears beginning to fill his eyes as Mother Miranda’s arms come to wrap around him, pushing the deformed man’s face to lean against the soft, feathery material of her bosom.

“Yes, Moreau. You’ve always been very special to me. From the day I met you, you’ve been such a good, well-behaved boy that I never have to worry about” Miranda begins, her face blank and expressionless as she passionlessly strokes Salvatore’s face. “No matter how simple the task, those 3 are always making mistakes of some kind and forcing me to come and clean up their messes after them, especially that snake Heisenberg. But you? No, never you, Moreau, not my special, perfect little boy who always tries his best to make Mother happy. Do you enjoy making Mother happy, Moreau?”

“Y-y-yES! Of-of c-course I do” Salvatore moans, his voice slightly muffled by Miranda’s chest as he violently nods his head in affirmation, tears freely falling from his eyes as his head swims deliriously from the endless wave of kind words and gentle touches.

“Good! I always knew you did. And for that, I'm going to reward you with something very special. Something to… keep you busy... while I’m away for a little while” The raven mother coos again.

Salvatore stops for a moment when the meaning of Miranda’s words finally registers in his brain. “While… w-while you’re… away? You’re l-leaving us?” Salvatore asks, his voice growing increasingly distressed with each word.

“Only for a short time, hopefully,” Mother Miranda answers, “but yes, at the end of this month, I will be leaving the village in order to attend to some very important business I have. I’m not sure how my journey will fare, however I'm optimistic that it will be the key necessary to finally getting my Ev- uh… pardon me; the key to finally achieving our goal of creating a perfect vessel. Doesn’t that sound nice, Moreau?”

“It-it does” the deformed man says quietly, still put off by the mention of Mother leaving, but not wanting to put a damper on his mother’s incredibly rare good mood. “But… where is i-it… th-that you’ll be g-going… an-and for h-how long?”

“Just down the mountain to pay someone a visit, however I have no idea when I'll be back. That will depend on how successful my mission goes, I suppose.”

Silence falls over the two as Salvatore, still upset by the news that Mother Miranda would be leaving, continues to take in the comfort and warmth of his Mother’s arms for just a moment longer, selfishly wishing that Mother held him more often. Eventually however, Mother Miranda does pull back from the superficial embrace, gesturing for Salvatore to follow her once more, which the deformed man begins to do without question.

“Of the 4 of you, you’re the last one to come and pick your gift,” Miranda says, unaware of the visible slump that Salvatore’s shoulders take on upon hearing this. “However, despite there only being one option left, it would appear as though your siblings have decided to spare you their usual games of trickery this time around. If anything, I think you might be the one to have ended up with the best deal after everything is said and done.”

Salvatore looks up at Mother Miranda with an expression of mild confusion, wondering what on earth she could mean by that. His musings are quickly interrupted however, when the two enter a large room filled with various pods.

“Of the 22 test subjects we started with last year, only 13 were genetically compatible with the cadou parasite, and even then, only 4 ended up surviving the full mutation phase. Despite their impressively stable conditions, they still aren’t suitable vessels for my purposes, however I felt as though it would be such a waste to just do away with them. So, with that in mind, I’ve decided that my gift to you all, before I must leave you for a time, is to give one test subject to each of you.”

“G-give? You’re… y-you’re giving us t-test subjects?” Salvatore repeats dumbly, not certain he understood where this was going.

“Correct” Mother Miranda affirms. “This is easily the most successful batch of mutations we’ve seen to date, and given the amount of time and effort I poured into making sure these last 4 survived until now, I’d at least like to see some use gotten out of them before they die or suddenly lose control of their mutations and go rogue.”

“Like… l-like what?” The hooded man asks nervously.

Miranda merely shrugs her shoulders, uncaring. “Anything you like. Housekeeper. Playmate. Labrat. Partner in Crime. Whatever it is you desire of your gift, you may have without question. And in the event they refuse you… well, you’ll at least have a fun little toy to chase after for a little while.”

“I... see...” Salvatore says quietly, growing less and less excited about this whole “gift” thing, now that he knows that his gift is just another person.

Another person to scream and wail at how unbelievably hideous and disgusting of a monster he looks, no doubt.

Without another word, Miranda heads over to the large control table located in the middle of the room, pressing a few buttons before 4 of the many identical pods begin moving toward them. Steam pours out the tops and bottoms of the metal pods as the large capsules slowly finish lowering themselves from their hung pedestals, displaying them directly in front of Miranda and Salvatore.  The man in question stands anxiously in front of the still sealed door, nervously fidgeting with his fingers as he waits for Mother to show him his gift, a myriad of thoughts and fears and worries flying throughout the mutant man’s mind.

“The first 3 have already been chosen by your siblings, but the one on the far right is all yours” Miranda says, pushing another button that causes the singular pod in question to click open, its door slowly beginning to rise upward toward the ceiling.

Salvatore nods in understanding as he tries to avoid watching the door of the pod open, instead hyper focusing on what Miranda is saying as the tension in the room becomes so thick it feels as if it could be cut with a dull knife.

After what felt like an eternity and a half of waiting, the pod door finally finished opening, and in that exact moment, as the disfigured man’s gaze finally fell upon the sight of his gift for the first time, his eyes went wide in shock, his mouth dropped open in disbelief, and his hands fell limply to his side in complete and utter bewilderment at the sight that stood before him.

“That… th-that’s… for me?” Salvatore manages to croak out, his throat suddenly dry as a desert and the air from his lungs having left him the second before.

Raising his hand up toward the creature wired into the pod, the hooded man finds himself unable to look away, feeling almost mesmerized as his mind struggles to figure out whether all this is really happening, or if he’d finally succumbed to the insanity of his condition and dreamt all this up as a sick and twisted way of coping with his soul crushing loneliness. Either one was just as likely at this point.

“I’m sure you’ll still be quite pitiful on the day I have to leave, but at least this way you’ll have something to keep yourself occupied with until I return, yes?” Mother Miranda says smugly, clearly pleased by his reaction. “So, what do you think, Moreau? Do you like the gift I’ve gotten for you?”

It wasn't until after several moments of silence that Salvatore finally responded. After stuttering and slurring unintelligibly over several sentences worth of responses, 2 words, and 2 words alone, finally managed to tumble from the mutant man’s lips, his eyes shining as he finally reached forward enough to slowly and carefully intertwine his fingers with the small and delicate hand of the beautiful young woman that slept peacefully inside the pod.

“She’s perfect!”

[spacebatisluvd]

Summary: Hordak is having a bad day. Until Entrapta intervenes. 

Content Warning: Totally SFW. Nothing but cuddles. Brief ableist language and dealing with chronic pain/disability, but the focus is on fluff and comfort.

-

It had been a very long day. He’d spent the morning arguing with Mermista over his plans for rebuilding Salineas—he was beginning to suspect she was shooting down his ideas out of pure spite—and then the rest of the day had been a series of small inconveniences and trials. 

A nearby village had sent a representative to Dryl, demanding—not requesting; demanding—aid in rebuilding their infrastructure after the collapse of a small bridge. The castle servants had ambushed him after that, begging him to ask Entrapta to decommission some of her traps—and when, exactly, had he become the more approachable of the two? Finally, Kadroh had cornered him in his lab, asking about everything he did and why he was doing it and did he like Entrapta? Were they friends or were they more than friends? And what, exactly, was Imp, anyway? 

To top it all off, his armor simply wasn’t managing his pain. Not to the degree he needed it to. Everything hurt and everyone he spoke to seemed intent on trying his patience.

He was done.

“Oooh, what does this—“

“Kadroh. Get out.”

“—do? Hmmm? Did you say something, Brother?”

“I said; Get out!”

“You sound angry. Should I—?”

“OUT!”

Kadroh gave him a concerned look, walking slowly out of the room. “Okay. But I’m worried about you!”

Hordak rubbed the spot between his eyes, trying to figure out when, exactly, yelling ‘Get out!’ stopped earning him privacy and instead started netting him concerned looks. Either way, Kadroh—no matter how reluctantly—had left. It was the first moment of peace Hordak had been allowed the entire day. He leaned against the table, head in his hands. He took a breath, cataloging his various aches and pains, from the bone-deep soreness in his strained legs to the absolute agony of his shoulders and upper back.

He would have happily taken a sedative and gotten himself some restful sleep, but there was daylight left, and he had work to do.

He took a breath and returned his attention to his plans for Salineas, growling softly as he erased or edited the aspects Mermista had objected to. His shoulders burned as he leaned over the drafting table, but he just clenched his hand and shifted position, trying in vain to find a pose that relieved the ache.

A clanging in the vents made him growl. He expected Imp to come flying through—then he heard Entrapta’s soft giggling, and he wasn’t sure what or who to expect anymore. Until Entrapta’s lower half appeared, hanging from a vent-shaft overhead. Uncertain, he dropped everything and walked toward her dangling legs. “Is everything all right? Do you need assistance?”

“Nope!”

He waited, watching her. Though he wasn’t fully sure what he intended to do should she fall. Even with his armor, he was in no shape to catch her at the moment.

(He’d definitely catch her. Personal consequences be damned, he’d catch her without a moment of hesitation.)

Thankfully, she had everything in hand. Or in hair. She lowered herself out of the vent with her hair, jumping down when she was close enough to the ground that the risk of injury was minimal. His hearts steadied a little and he nodded at her. “This is unexpected. I thought you were occupied with repairs to your Beast Island mech.”

“Oh, yeah! She’s still running rough, but with a little more TLC, she’ll be good as new! Well. Kind of. Kadroh said you were being grumpier than usual?”

He blinked at the abrupt change in topic, then crossed his arms and looked away, ears folding back. “He is...disruptive. I asked him to leave. And I am not grumpy!”

“Did you ask? Or did you just yell at him?”

Hordak threw his hands up and stalked back to the table. “Why does it matter!? He’s a distraction, and not one I can deal with at the moment!”

She popped up on the other side of his drafting table as soon as he started working again. “You are in a mood, aren’t you?”

“I am not—!” He growled, leaning forward until they were nose to nasal ridge. “I am not ‘in a mood’. I am busy. I am trying to get my work done and no one seems capable of respecting that.”

She just ‘booped’ him on the nose and started to run her fingers through his hair. “I think you need to take a break.”

“I need to get this done!”

“Does it need to be done before tomorrow?”

Realistically, he knew that would not be possible. “No,” he said, voice still undercut by a soft growl. “It will take several days to finish, at least. Which is why I must get as much done as possible now.” He brushed her hand away from his hair. “Stop that!”

“I thought you liked it when I did that?”

“That is not the point!”

“What is the point?”

“I’m trying to work. You are distracting me.”

“So? What’s wrong with a little distraction? This isn’t urgent.” She gestured to the drafting table and the diagrams displayed. “Why not take a break? Especially if it’s putting you in a bad mood.”

“I can’t just take a break!”

“Why not?”

He floundered, not sure how to answer that. She ran her fingers through his hair again, causing his scalp to prickle pleasantly. “Entrapta.” He stopped, not liking his tone. It sounded too much like he was begging.

“Come on,” she urged, hopping off the drafting table and wrapping her hair around his waist. He glanced at his plans and diagrams as she started to tug him toward the door.

He could fight her, if he really wanted to. He was in his armor. He had the strength to pull free, though it would cost him later. Even that was likely unnecessary, though. He suspected that she would stop if he put up more than token resistance.

If he truly wanted her to stop, he could make it clear, and she would stop.

He dragged his feet, but ultimately allowed her to pull him from the room. She smiled at him as the door shut behind them, and she pushed him down the hallway. He started to fuss again when they passed his door. “My bedroom is here.”

“I know, but mine’s more comfortable. We really should get you some comfy chairs or something.”

“My furniture is perfectly adequate.”

Ignoring him, she pulled him into her suite of room and smiled. He crossed his arms, returning her smile with a glare. “There. I am ‘taking a break’. Are you pleased with yourse—elf?!”

She plucked the crystal from his suit with a nimble rope of hair. Before he could react to the sudden heaviness of his armor, she was already stripping it from him. “That is what the applicator in my bedroom is for,” he said pointedly.

She lifted herself up so she could cup his chin. “I know. This is better, though, right? No pinching. No pain.”

He huffed and looked away, unwilling to admit that she was right. “I can do it myself.”

“Yep!” she said, sounding pleased with herself, “But there’s nothing wrong with getting a little help once in a while. Especially when you’re hurting.”

His ears folded back, and he dropped his gaze. “Is it...that obvious?”

“No. I think most people just think you’re grumpy.” He huffed, scowling. “But Kadroh said it looked like you were in pain.”

His ears drew down. “I was not aware he knew of my defect.”

“He doesn’t—or, well, I didn’t tell him about it. I think he’s just....” Her mouth rucked to the side as she thought about it. “I think he sees people the way I see robots. Anyway, he said you looked like you were hurt, and I figured that might be why you were in such a mood.”

“I am not in a mood!” Free of his armor, he crossed his arms over his chest to hide the fine tremor in his hands. Everything ached, and now that he didn’t have his armor supporting him, he felt close to collapse. Not that he would admit that, even to her.

“Hmmm...bed? Or chair?” she wondered aloud.

“What?”

“Which would be more comfortable?” He knew the answer to that, but it was also embarrassing, so he said nothing. “Probably the bed.” His cheeks warmed, but he couldn’t find it in himself to protest as she caught him around his hips and shoulders with her hair, supporting him as she walked him into her bedroom and shoved him—gently; she was always so gentle with him, even when she was being forceful—onto the mattress. A stray rope of hair flipped on the lights, casting a warm glow over the plush mattress and pillows.

“See? My room is way more comfortable than yours.” She considered that. “We should do something about that...unless you don’t mind staying in here with me when you’re having a bad day.” She smiled brightly, and he glanced around the room, taking in the varying shades of purple and violet, the heavy canopy the hung over her bed, and the various disemboweled electronics that lay scattered across her furniture, in stark contrast to the softer elements of her decor.

It was not decorated to his tastes at all, but there was something peaceful in being here. This was her space. Her room. And she’d invited him in. That spoke to something visceral inside of him, warming him, but how it made him feel was hardly the most important consideration. “I am certain your staff would start to gossip if I spent too much time with you in here.”

She looked at him blankly. “About what?”

Her hair was rearranging the pillows around them, and before he could answer, she asked, “Are you comfortable?”

He should resist this. He should have stopped things before they got this far, should have insisted she leave him in his room—alone—but he was tired and everything hurt, and the threat of gossip seemed so distant. Surely, they could have this. It was innocent enough, and her staff would know that. “I...wouldn’t mind if you allowed me to use some of your pillows.”

She nodded, the two of them shifting him and the pillows until he was as comfortable as he could physically be at the moment—without drugs, at least. He ended up propped slightly to one side, his ribcage and upper back cushioned by pillows. He leaned back against them, sighing softly. He opened his eyes when she drew a heavy blanket overtop him, the weight of it settling around him like an embrace. She was, partially, under the blanket as well, her hand on his side, thumb slowly running over his exposed skin. He hadn’t thought he could get more comfortable—not on a day like today—but her other hand crooked overhead to run her fingers through his hair. This time, he shut his eyes and allowed himself to appreciate the way his scalp prickled when she did that. The nerves all down the back of his neck and trailing across his upper back tingled pleasantly. The deep ache in his body lingered, but the affected muscles loosened, making it easier to bear.

The soft thrumming—too low for Etherian ears to hear, but strong enough that she could probably feel it in her chest at this proximity—started up. He should be embarrassed that he had so little control over his body, but he found, in that moment, he didn’t care.

He shut his eyes, ears drooping and relaxed. “Thank you,” he murmured, “You don’t have to stay.”

Her hands stilled. “Do you want me to leave?”

His thrumming quieted, and he looked at her. “You have more important things to do than babysit an invalid. I don’t want to keep you from anything.”

She resumed her ministrations, and a soft moan—definitely audible, even to her ears—escaped him. He flinched, but she just leaned close and brushed her lips against his. “If you don’t want me to leave, then I’ll stay. I like helping. And I like hearing the sounds you make. Or feeling them. It’s fascinating. As far as I’m concerned, this is very valuable data for our intimacy log. And...” she drew the word out, pressing their foreheads together. “I don’t like it when you call yourself that. It reminds me of the ‘r’ word.”

“‘R’ word?”

“I’ll explain later. It makes me uncomfortable and right now, I’m very comfortable and happy, so I don’t want to think about it.”

He nodded, but worry clawed at him. Carefully constructing his sentence to make sure he didn’t use any word that began with ‘r’, he asked, “Is it something I might say incidentally? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Especially after she’d taken such great pains to keep him comfortable.

She giggled. “Don’t worry. You wouldn’t. It’s not a common word, and not one I’ve ever heard you say.”

The concern lingered, but her hand had moved from his hair to his ear, rubbing the pointed tip. His eyelids slipped shut, and he relaxed into the pillows. His shoulders were still sore, but this position relieved the deep ache of before. 

She leaned close. “Hordak?”

“Hmm?” With her hand on his side and her fingers alternately running through his hair or over the tip of his ear, he was finding it difficult to form words.

“Would it be okay if I got a little closer?”

He opened his eyes and reached out to her, though he stopped before he could make contact. “You may get as close as you like.”

She smiled, laying her cheek in his palm. He shifted his fingers, running the blunt side of his claws against her temple. A small shudder ran through her, followed by a soft coo. “Oh, that’s nice. I like that,” she said, scooting closer to him.

Soon, they were both tucked under the heavy blanket. She pressed herself against his side, curling there. One of her arms reached over his waist and up his side. The other was pressed to his ribcage, sandwiched between their bodies. All along that side of his body, he could feel her pressing against him, and the contact revived the steady thrumming once again.

“May I...?” He cleared his throat. “May I put my arm around you?”

“Oh, yeah! I think I’d like that.”

He moved carefully, afraid to disturb this tableau. He’d never been so close to someone before, never been held like this. Unless someone intended to harm him, that is. It was strange to feel safe in the arms of another person—strange and wonderful—and he was afraid he might ruin it somehow. Nonetheless, he snaked his arm alongside her shoulder, careful not to catch his claws on her hair, and held her to him, one large hand resting on her hip. She sighed and, somehow, snuggled closer, leaning her head on the place were his chest and shoulder joined.

“Is this good?”

He nodded. “Is it good for you as well?”

“It’s even better than anticipated.” She sighed happily, squeezing his waist. “I’ll have to remember that this position seems to be ideal for cuddling.” She nuzzled against him. “I can feel your purring.”

He frowned, though the steady thrumming didn’t stop. “I do not purr. That is not a purr. It is a subsonic vocalization.”

“You know...feline purring has been shown to have some positive effects on healing and pain management. I wonder if the same is true for you.”

“It is not a purr.” Despite his insistence, the way her fingers ran up and down his bare side made it difficult to maintain his irritation at the term.

“Well, however you want to classify it, it’s definitely cute.”

He should have found that irritating as well, but a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and his breathing contracted in a brief, soundless laugh. “I am not ‘cute‘ by any definition.”

“You are by mine.”

His cheeks burned, but he had no response to that. He just allowed himself to shut his eyes and relax beside her, enjoying the warmth of her body alongside his.

Before he knew it, he’d already drifted off to sleep.

[ursie]

Hi, this might be out of line, but would you consider rewording the “if you are neurodivergent don’t comment” thing at all? Having read your other posts I know you mean able bodied neurodivergent people but as a physically disabled neurodivergent person that line just makes me weary. Without the specification that you mean abled people it kind of implies neurodivergent = not physically disabled, though I know it wasn’t intended that way. ND people do experience ableism, and physically disabled ND people experience ableism. Instead of telling able bodied people not to comment it sounds more like it is telling any neurodivergent person not to comment, and without specification that includes any physically disabled person who might be affected by the same ableism you’re talking about. The default of neurodivergent is not able bodied and I don’t think it’s good to perpetuate that (even by accident). Able bodied people do that enough on their own.

I’ll be honest it is kinda out of line as a. You know the intent of the posts and B. That’s literally what the banner says. Able bodied people do not comment/neurodivergent people can comment if they pass it by me because I don’t want ABLE BODIED people even neurodivergent people taking over the conversation like if you’re physically disabled and neurodivergent which lets be clear-most physically disabled people are-then the banner literally doesn’t apply to you. The banner is literally just for able bodied/able bodied neurodivergent people because they’ve clowned on my and many other physically disabled peoples posts before. Of course physically disabled people can comment that’s-That’s why able bodied people can’t-like anon I’m not trying to be mean but is my banner really vaguely worded or do you need to work on your reading comprehension.

Ok to summarize - yes I am gatekeeping able bodied neurodivergent people with the rules their statements must be vetted first to avoid them talking over physically disabled people in conversations about ableism specific to me (a physically disabled person) faces like my disability posts are for physically disabled people I recognize the overlap but I do not want able bodied people to talk over us in it.

Yes people may misunderstand the banner and ableists may be ableist but to imply I’m personally responsible for other peoples understanding of and I cannot cite this enough two sentences and ableists in general is foolish. Ableists are always going to be ableist. What I do to have intercommunity discussions is not going to effect their stances there. And if people don’t fully grasp the banner that’s kinda on them like..like if you fail to understand the banner I doubt you’d get the posts to begin with. As they’re longer...

I have considered redoing the banner but then able bodied neurodivergent people talk and whine and harass me over their inclusion and exclusion on my posts so no I’m probably not gonna change it unless to not let able bodied neurodivergent people comment at all if they don’t stop clowning soon

[victeazer-archive]

Alright. Lets put this kitten to bed shall we?

I am alerted to uppastthejelliclemoon's precense after she posts some shit about that racist misogynistic homophobe we all know and love for writing alpha male munkustrap fanfiction and how shit has been taken too far over some shitpost blah blah blah idk. I scroll thru her blog being like what kind of person posts this? Seriously? And i stumble upon this au she had been indulging in which is terrible and you can look it up for yourselves. Apparently this was the second time this kind of thing has happened as well (being that she writes disgusting shit and gets called out for it) so let's keep that in mind.

Anyway im discussing this with my friend as we are both disgusted by this and he messages uppastthejelliclemoon directly asking for clarification. She doesnt respond. I get impatient and point out the fact that this shit exists on my own blog and tag her so she can have an oppurtunity to explain herself. She doesnt respond.

My friend replies to my post with his own commentary and additional screenshots.

People see it and respond appropriately in disgust as it is disgusting.

Uppastthejellicle moon decides to do a non apology in which shes basically like well I didnt INTEND to and im only being positive and also guys why did you tell everyone about this thing they could find on their own and not talk to me. Directly.

Except then she only got anonymous messages?

But then, when she is in dms with my friend, no one spoke to her? But then only anons did. BUT THEN SHE DID RECEIVE A MESSAGE FROM HIM EXACTLY. Funny that.

Weird how the story changes like that and ours doesnt. Hm.

Weird thing you'll notice is her claiming that well this shit she posted was a while ago and why didnt we address it then and im like. Hm. Weird you think we know every post you have ever made and know exactly when and where. Sounds a little like you think everyone MUST know everything about you at all times because youre so important. So important that you decide that the homophobic racist misogynist gets the clear over a shitpost and we are bullies as your friends call us despite everything showing clearly otherwise?

Anyway.

To the people reading this im sure youve realized im not a pleasant speaker when i know im right and am speaking to people who will die on a hill of nasty shit of their own making.

My friend, however, as you can tell from just the excerpt of their conversation is very respectable. He's gentle and factual and calm as he explains himself. He would ask me and his other friends if what he wrote was too harsh or innacurate before sending them for you see, he has a stress condition. Its very clearly stated on his blog that im sure uppastthejelliclemoon and friends have seen as they are able to message him.

See, I think my friend here did a great job handling this situation considering his stress condition, and i do not think that him having a stress condition exempts him from speaking his mind and defending himself. (Which jelliclemoon's friend ruvyr will later say the opposite of in the screenshots that follow, which is ableist, by the way, but lets keep going).

However, when you are discussing an issue with someone you know has a stress condition and you start to dogpile onto him with your other friend who has nothing but insults and a way of twisting their words to suit your narrative?

Maybe dont do that. Because now my friend had to vomit due to this outright gaslighting.

See, i have received zero messages from these people directly because they know that I wont be nice. They pick on someone weaker, my aforementiond friend, who did exactly as uppastthejelliclemoon had asked in the first place.

So.

Uppastthejelliclemoon gets a callout post for their horrible shit.

Uppastthejelliclemoon, whitmerule, ruvyru and probably more then decide to knowingly dogpile on the weaker of the two that made the callout post to the point of him physically vomiting.

* i wont be specifying who gave me this screenshot, but i believe it is a reliable source, heres the full one unedited:

Here it all is. The whole picture for you.

I suggest you block

@uppastthejelliclemoon

As they clearly do not take criticism well and as I have said, repeated the same actions that have been called out for previously.

@whitmerule

Who has a history of writing incestuous fics and frowns down upon "antis" (aka normal people) that speak up against this nasty shit weve mentioned today, and also participates in this blatant attack on my friend who did nothing wrong.

@ruvyru

For associating with them in the first place and just being a straight up bully as you can see in the dms they requested be posted publically

@statisticalcats

Who is literally into incest and uses terms like "purity culture" unironically to describe me saying hey, maybe racist, sexist, ableist, and just nasty shit like that, being bad!

@fiercejellicle

Well you know why. If not, look up purplezprout on my blog.

And just avoid these people in future.

Me and my friend @zitface are done with this drama, specifically. I applaud them for handling this situation well, but like i have said before, I will point out shit I find gross in the future. I dont give a shit.

Feel free to reblog, and reply with your favorite love song! Im working on a not disgusting fanfiction and need inspiration. Hope you all have a good day.

[chaosbcrne]

i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.

i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.

before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.

as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.

the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.

for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.

there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements. 

however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.

what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.

for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.

it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.

for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.

obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.

if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.

if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.

i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail crimsonxblur@gmail.com is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.

as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.

as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.

if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.

it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.

thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.

once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.

[mszegedy]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2020: Days 1-10

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I learned about it a few days into April and intended to start doing it but I forgot, I guess, or maybe decided against it. But I wanna do it now, so here’s the first ten days really quick.

April 1: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person.

This is kind of a hard question for me. I think my younger sister (by 3¾ years) would say this, if she just made a new friend the same age as her and she asked about me:

“Well, she goes to college, but she’s graduating this semester. She does something with proteins, but honestly she should really be a linguist. I actually really hate discussing linguistics with her, because she gets so annoying and overbearing about it. I don’t understand why she’s doing whatever she is. She’s a pretty weird person. She has all sorts of problems with, like, depression and amnesia and stuff. Oh, but, she’s trans, so, like, that’s a thing, yeah. I don’t like talking about most things with her because she thinks she’s always right. And also, she’s kind of mean to our mom. I don’t know why she does that. But at the same time she’s, like, really sensitive, and will be offended by the stupidest things. Okay, this is making it sound like I don’t like her, but I do, okay? She’s my sister, of course I love her. We’ve bonded a lot. She’s moving to DC in October, so we’ll be able to hang out during the school year, and that’ll be really fun. I think I’m just a little fed up with her right now from having to live with her for a whole month.“

April 2: Post your red instead selfie today! Alternatively, you could talk about why you choose to go redinstead and what it means to you.

I don’t know what “redinstead” is. I googled it and it sounds like you wear differently-themed stuff from what’s recommended by Autism Speaks, to dunk on them. Like a lot of people, I’m stuck inside this April, so there’s no point in me wearing pride clothing, because nobody will see it. But I do disapprove of Autism Speaks, because they don’t treat autistic people like people, and they try to spread that ideology. If you trick them into thinking you’re a person first, they won’t change their mind; instead, they’ll say you’re not autistic. People defend them by recounting the problems that nonverbal autistic people face, as though nonverbal autistic people have an inherently worse neurotype than everyone else, and not just one that’s more difficult to accomodate for society, and as though that justifies the abuses levied against them by Autism Speaks. I could go into details, but I won’t, because it would be emotionally draining for me as a writer, and you as a reader.

Suffice to say, I love being autistic. It has inspired a lot of people to treat me very badly, and probably led to a degree of abuse and neglect in my childhood that resulted in dissociative identity disorder. But all of my autistic traits are things that I love about myself. I like how emotionally expressive my stims make me. I like how I’ve learned to dissect a lot of social stuff and I can explain it. I like how I can just dispense with all of that social stuff around autistic people. Hell, I think it gives the neurotypical people I hang out with some relief, too, when I’m straightforward and explicit all the time. I like how good I am at linguistics, and how I can use it as a way to relate to the world.

April 3: Talk about special interests. Do you have any? What are they? How long have you had them? What does it feel like to have special interests? What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your past special interests

My special interests are unusually slow burns. I’ve had linguistics-related special interests for the past ten years. They’re peripherally useful for language learning, but mostly I’ve just accumulated academic knowledge. They’ve, however, also led me to reconnect with my Ugric heritage culture, which is very important to me. (It wouldn’t be important to me if language weren’t my primary way of relating to the world; paradox?)

I have a wide variety of other interests, but few of them are really “special”. As a kid, my special interest was marine life. Unfortunately, I haven’t retained much of that, although I do have the privilege of having a diver’s license, which I’ll use again someday when I pass better naked. I also briefly had a special interest in… building computers, or something. I didn’t have the money to make anything particularly powerful (not that I had anything at the time to use computational power for), but I did run some workshops for middle-schoolers.

I think maybe my interest as a kid in Homestuck was special? It ran pretty deep, anyway. It’s hard to say, when you can’t remember most of your life.

April 4: Do you consider your autism to be an important part of your identity?

Because we have DID (or something like it), we don’t have an identity in the traditional sense. We do have a system identity, but that’s built around our mutual goals and guidelines. However, we’d be very sad to lose our autistic traits. Also, it might mess with the standard of consistency we’ve established for ourselves; we might not be able to predict our future actions, because losing our autistic traits may interfere with our ability to follow the aforementioned goals and guidelines, which are what help keep us focused and consistent.

April 5: Talk about your living situation. Do you live with your parents? Do you live on your own? Have roommates? Etc. If you live on your own how hard was it to get used to?

Right now, I’m quarantining with my mom, my sister, and my brother (who is actually my sister’s boyfriend), at my mom’s house. The mess that’s accumulating in the house is slowly causing my mom more and more stress, I think. I’ve never really lived on my own. For a lot of college, I lived with roommates or housemates, but I don’t think I was very good at that. Also, my mom lived nearby, and I stayed at her place on the weekends. The closest I’ve come to living on my own is watching my mom’s house for up to a few weeks at a time, and that wasn’t sustainable. (To be fair, what kind of house has a lawn? When I get a house with a lawn in the future, I will make sure that it’s a wild lawn that I don’t have to mow.)

The third to last time that I house-sitted for my mom, I ended up getting hospitalized for self-harm. It took her a while to let me do it again after that. Although, not a very long while, I guess. That was at the end of last September.

April 6: Are you able to drive? If you can, was it hard for you to learn? If not, what alternatives do you use, if any

I’m not able to drive. Driving is scary and difficult for me. I went through the motions of learning it in high school, but my track was interrupted by a move across state lines (I lived in the US at the time), and I never recovered. I’ve failed the NJ written driver’s exam, which grants you a one-year permit with restrictions, a total of roughly ten times. I’ve never been this bad at a subject; it’s like I have the opposite of a special interest in driving. A special lack-of-interest. My brain won’t retain any information about NJ driving laws whatsoever. It doesn’t help that I had a traumatic car crash when I was very young.

So far, I’ve just gotten my mom and coworkers to drive me places, or taken Ubers or trains. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if I leave NJ, I’ll probably have to get a driver’s license. Although, I’ve already got a carpool set up at my next job in October.

April 7: Talk about autism in the media. Do you think that autism is typically portayed well? Badly? Is there anything you’d like to see more of when it comes to autistic representation? Who are your favorite autistic characters? Do you have any headcanons?

The media that I consume doesn’t really have autistic characters, so I can’t comment on how autistic people are portrayed, except that I’d like us to be portrayed more, period. I’ve only really seen us in teen dramas. To be fair, one of my favorite webcomics, El Goonish Shive, is a teen drama, and has a great autistic character (Susan). I’d say I identify with her, but not really. It’s very hard for me to identify with people, fictional or nonfictional, because my neurotype is greatly influenced by autism, DID, chronic depression, and gender dysphoria, and you don’t see combinations of traits in media that come even close to that.

Speaking of another teen drama, I wish I were half as cool as Matilda from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. I guess that makes her my favorite canon autistic character, but that’s pretty easy, because I don’t know any other ones. I can’t say that I wanna hug her, because she doesn’t like that, but her general substitute for hugs is dancing, and I can’t dance. I guess I’d learn how, to show my appreciation for her.

Archer from Archer is probably autistic. I like him a lot.

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

“Hating” is not something I can really do, even when it’s recommended to do it. I haven’t been open about my autism, so I haven’t been exposed to too many misconceptions or stereotypes about it firsthand, anyway. I guess if I had to pick, it would be whatever made my dad call me autistic as an insult and use a bunch of ableist slurs at me a whole lot. I don’t know how he understands autism, however. He doesn’t seem to realize that he has it himself. (It’s not usually one’s place to diagnose other people like that, but one of the most degrading things that my mom says to me very often is that I’m exactly like my father. He even has some traits that I don’t, like touch-aversion and samefoods.)

April 9: How sensitive are you when it comes to touch? Are you pro hug or anti hug?

I’m hyposensitive. I’m really losing it here under this quarantine. I had a girlfriend who always made me feel so respected whenever she responded to my touch-based needs, by squeezing me, hugging me, or otherwise cuddling me very tight, but then she broke up with me because of my mental health issues, and because her parents hated me and her friends were made very uncomfortable by me.

April 10: Do you have trouble understanding when someone is being sarcastic or joking?

It depends. I think I’m as good at it as I’ll ever be, and my false negative rate is under 0.5 (and my false positive rate is very low, but not 0). But I don’t think the same thing goes on in my head as in neurotypical people’s heads when I determine something to be a joke. I almost explicitly do a Bayesian calculation; “Based on what I know about this person and this context, how well can I imagine them meaning this statement unironically in this context? How well can I imagine them meaning this statement ironically in this context?” It’s pretty automatic now, but sometimes it doesn’t work very well, when I’m not so familiar with the person and/or the context, and occasionally the intended interpretation of the statement.

[sera-cb]

I don’t want to be a rude boy but Twitter Discourse is completely destroying my brain on this and I need a venting hole of some sort.

There is a lot of discussion and debate about “social scripts” presently.

The idea is that these scripts can help folks with conditions like Autism navigate certain social situations more easily.  (This is really good!)

The issue is that most of them seem to be written in ways that a recipient would likely find to be super unnerving or even outright terrifying, which is sort of a problem when half of them exist to ask if your emotional state is stable enough to deal with some rough shit right now.

I’m 100% for having a societal standard of not dumping all your problems on someone without a shit given for where they’re at as a person at the moment, I think that’s stellar. Just maybe don’t do THIS SHIT:

NO. NO I AM NOT. THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOU ABDUCTED MY CHILD AND I’M ABOUT TO RECEIVE A RANSOM NOTE. PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR WORD CHOICE.

YOUR REQUEST FOR CONSENT SHOULD NOT BE WRITTEN IN A WAY THAT IN ITSELF CAUSES ANXIETY TO THE RECIPIENT.  PEOPLE SAYING AS MUCH SHOULD NOT IMMEDIATELY BE WRITTEN OFF AS “ABLEIST”; THEY ARE GIVING YOU VALUABLE INFORMATION.

I get it, I’m on the spectrum and social nuance can be a confusing eldritch nightmare, but sometimes you’ve gotta take all the hard feedback and pick out the useful information, and the useful information here is that what you’re writing is setting off a lot of alarm bells.  I’ve seen defenses of it saying things like “Yeah, how dare we use thoughtful, considerate language,” but I can’t call your language either of those things if their end result is triggering a flight or fight response.  Intentions aside, it’s failing at its job.

It sucks that people are bandwagoning onto making this the next “TRIGGERED” meme or “if I need to ask for consent every two seconds it ruins the mood” -type argument. What ideally would be happening is that we’d all help each other come up with ways to make this kind of thing less unnerving, for those who can navigate all that social nuance to help those who can’t, and it’s garbage that that’s not what’s happening.  I am completely on board with that much.

What I’m not on board with is this idea that anyone with a problem with these examples going around are immediately ableist for reacting negatively.  Some of what I’ve seen is some real uncanny valley shit, or something like the above that just has its own weird threatening aura.  I’ve got the condition you’re trying to assist here, and even I can tell you that much.

Folks are latching on to the “are you in the right headspace” thing like that’s the problem when it’s really not.  That’s actually pretty solid imo.  There’s other ways to phrase it but it does the job fine. Asking someone for the state of their mind palace is quirky and fun but probably not appropriate for every mood, so it’s good to have headspace as a catch-all.  You could also be like “are you feeling up to [x]”.

“Information that could possibly hurt you,” though, holy shit. That’s the worst possible wording I’ve ever seen for bad news. That sounds like you’re asking permission to bully me, like if I say yes you’re gonna come back with “You’ve got a tiny dick and your wife left you for me, fucknuts.” And then I’m gonna be sitting there, tiny dick and all, just like “I mean this is kind of my fault for saying yes, I guess, in a way.”

So like let’s put my money where my mouth is and explore some potential alternatives, shall we?

“Hey, I’ve got some potentially upsetting news. I’d like to share it, but it could genuinely like ruin your whole day, here, and I don’t want to do that uninvited.”

“I know you have a history with [insert thing here], but I’m dealing with some things and could use your advice if you’re up for it.”

“I know you have a history with [insert thing here], and I thought I’d let you know that there’s something happening on the news / on social media that might upset you, so like... brace yourself before you go on there, just a heads up.” (This isn’t a consent prompt so much as a polite warning, but it’s pretty considerate imo and the other person might appreciate the thought and warning.)

“Yo, I know some shit that’ll 100% make you cry in a real bad way, but I think it’s important for you to know it. Please let me know when it’s a good time to tell you something genuinely pretty awful. Sorry in advance.”

Please do not use this or the “information that could hurt you” text as some weird get out of jail free card to be a huge asshole. That does not help anyone and honestly does make writing something for this very specific kind of “I know something fucking terrible” prompt genuinely difficult, as it’s almost impossible to make it shithead-proof.  You shitheads ruin everything for everybody.

Anyway that’s just me exploring ideas.  Like I said, in a perfect world we’d, like, assemble and revise a list or something to have out there as a resource so that people could navigate this sort of thing with less difficulty without reading as something unintended.  Because that’s the important thing to note with the criticisms: Many of these do not read as intended.

Anyway I’m gonna crawl back into my little hole from whence I came now.

[fategist]

lists, layers, layovers: what to pack and how to pack it

There’s a scene in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery where Austin and his colleague/eventual love interest Vanessa Kensington, are newly arrived in Las Vegas, hot on the trail of Doctor Evil’s number two, Number Two. Posing as a married couple, they check into their suite and begin to unpack. Vanessa opens her suitcase to reveal a tidy assortment of clothes, accessories, and spy gadgetry packed neatly and divided into plastic bags.

Yes, the kind of bags you fill with cookies or vegetable scraps before tossing into the freezer for that vegetable stock you may or may not actually make.

This was in stark contrast to my own method, which was to pack clothes -- some of which might have been clean -- into a decrepit suitcase WITHOUT WHEELS -- and cross myself before hauling ass to the airport.

Yes, Miss Kensington, I am disappointed in past me, too.

But I never forgot about Vanessa and her freezer bags. It was so in character for the organized, utterly prepared Miss Kensington. And also because it’s such a great idea. Everything is easy to see and find, and can be left in their bags until they are needed. You can press the air out of bags to compress the contents, and thus you can fit more stuff into your bag.

It took me a while to adopt this method, because I am a messy beast and a procrastinator. And there was something sort of glamorously messy in running off to the airport, as though I were always on the road, and on the run.

This was a terrible method. I’d leave behind items I wanted to bring, and what stuff I did bring would look terrible, be inappropriate for the occasion, or be not as clean as I’d thought. But what choice did I have?

I guess I could have shopped at my destination but if you’re not wearing straight sizes it might still be a crapshoot depending on where you go. Even if you did find a place that could sell you clothes that fit and, even better, you liked and could afford, that’s still time you’ll have to spend buying clothes when you could be, I don’t know, drinking vinho verde at a bar located on top of a multi-story parking garage in Lisbon.

A few times I tried rolling my clothes, which is supposed to make them less wrinkly and afford you more room in your bag. That only works for skinny people, I am convinced. A pair of XXS yoga pants will roll into something not much bigger than a falafel wrap. My XXL cargo pants from Old Navy will not get any smaller than, say, a steak burrito. And shoving underpants into a pair of Toms doesn’t say packing technique or hack so much as utter desperation when your knickers are typically bigger than a tortilla.

Freezer bags, that’s my number one piece of advice. Treat yourself to the kind that zip, as they are just a few cents more than the kind that don’t. Fold or even roll your clothes up. Insert into bag, compress to get the air out, then zip shut. They’re also handy for packing liquids -- dressing, foundation makeup, and lube which, should they spill, should be pretty well contained.

Make a list of what you intend to bring, and cross each thing off as you pack it away. The internet abounds with packing list generators. I don’t have a specific recommendation, but the ones that ask you where you go and when you are going tend to be decent because they can give you the weather forecast and perhaps even recommend places to eat lunch.

We can have a long discussion about carry-on luggage and maybe one day we will, but for now let me say: whatever you pack make sure it fits in the overhead bin. If it doesn’t, check it like a good girl and vow to do better next time.

But if you’re like me and do only carry-on luggage, do not pack any more than you yourself can carry. If you have mobility or health issues that prevent you from doing so, remember to thank whoever ends up managing your bags for you, at your direction. I’m trying to find a way to express this without sounding like an ableist shithead so weigh in if you had advice on that point.

I think when it comes to figuring out what to wear, I say this: wear whatever you want.* Layers are key, that’s what everybody says, but those layers need to breathe no matter where you are.And check the weather before you go. I didn’t before a nine day trip to England when it always seemed to be on the verge of raining without actually providing the relief of precipitation so I felt like the entirey city of London was sweating upon me, all while wearing jeans with long sleeved cotton t-shirts, and I was miserable. But worse than that I was too stubborn to just go to the Evans in Oxford Street or the Selfridges, also in Oxford Street, and buy myself something.

*The one thing I will do, in following the advice of travel professionals and those travel bloggers who post shit like text posts that say “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” without any kind of irony, is keep my travel wardrobe in the same color family. Pick three colors, neutral or not, and just go for it. When I went to Lisbon in 2016, this is what I packed: https://www.instagram.com/p/BDfeHemRuUk/.

I once spent nine days in Ireland with no trousers/pants except these fancy hiking pants I got at Columbia. I hiked exactly twice during that trip, and the rest of the time I walked around Dublin and Galway and Dingle and Killarney looking, and sounding, like a sentient windsock. I got stuck on the hiking part instead of focusing on the fact that I’d spend most of my time walking around cities, drinking and eating and occasionally sitting before eating and drinking again. I could have used a pair of jeans, a warm sweater, and ankle boots. I solved part of my problem by buying myself a beautiful Irish wool cardigan at the Aran Sweater Market in Killarney. I love that thing.

Last spring I went to England for nine days (what is it with me and nine day trips to the UK?) and did more hiking but instead of bringing proper hiking boots I brought LL Bean boots. They were okay for tromping in mud. Not so much for going up steep hills as I am passed by surly French teenagers wearing Adidas.

I think the moral of the story here is I should give up on hiking as an activity. That, and I need to be more honest with myself about what I can and am willing to do when I got on vacation.

But for, say, three days in New York over Easter weekend? This was my last trip, and I packed:

light coat or jacket

scarf to layer with coat -- make it big enough to use as a blanket on the plane, or shawl for modesty

handbag or purse -- crossbody or GTFO

special outfit or dress -- I went to Le Bernardin with my brother for lunch on my birthday, and I wore this Target x Victoria Beckham collared shift. There were rabbits embroidered on the collar tabs. It was the best.

two shirts -- both were long-sleeved

black Old Navy pixie pants -- no pockets but comfortable, and more elegant than jeans

sneakers -- Converse seems to be the default for everybody ever, and I am not special so of course I have owned many pairs though I am down to one pair at the present -- mine are Comme des Garcons because while I am not special I am for sure quite extra

flip-flops for wearing around your hotel room/AirBNB/friend’s guestroom

black leather ankle boots -- sturdy sole, a heel if you care for one

underthings (bra, underpants, garters, slips, socks, hosiery)

jewelry -- just a few things that you might be able to wear at once or put away in an Altoids tin. I wear a watch, stud earrings, sometimes a silver button or a brass heart from In God We Trust that says “bitch please”.

makeup/toiletries

My next trip is London (yes again shut up I love it) and Venice (baby’s first trip to Italy) in September. I have no idea what I’m going to wear. Maybe a trench coat, Hunter boots, and not much else.

The whole reason I wrote this was because @rosamundt asked me on twitter to write her a post about what to pack for some trips she had coming up. I probably should have done this before today, as she has already embarked on trip number one. Trip number two is still forthcoming, a short trip to a large city for a family celebration. My packing list above should suffice, though she may be able to get away with not packing a jacket. And instead of the black leather ankle boots maybe some sandals with a stiff sole. I know she loves those Saltwater sandals but I don’t think I’d want to wear them on the subway. Just as long as it’s not Yoga Slings -- I think those are kind of gross.

[veganvenom]

For the prompts thing, could you write exr apologising to each other after a fight? But no pressure if you don't want to!

Enjolras rapped his knuckles on the door and waited,fiddling nervously with the hem of his cardigan. There was a scuffle and thesound of movement inside, but the door remained closed.

Enjolras took a deep breath, reminding himself ofCombeferre’s advice that this would go much better if he could just stay calm.He knocked again.

The sound of cursing made its way through the wood, andafter another ten seconds or so Grantaire was standing in the doorway, armsfolded and looking impatient and disinterested, though the red rings around hiseyes gave away his real mood.

“Yes?” Grantaire asked after several awkward moments hadpassed.

Now that his boyfriend was in front of him, Enjolras’planned speech had vanished from his head. “Can I – can I come in?” he asked,buying himself more time to think. His voice sounded more vulnerable than he’dintended, and he realised abruptly that he would have no idea what to say if hewas turned down.

“I don’t know, can you come in?” Grantaire askedmockingly, but stood aside to let Enjolras through nevertheless. “You have akey and half your shit is here; you practically live here at this point.”

Enjolras shuffled into the hallway and let Grantaire closethe door behind him. He felt like a visitor in this apartment for the firsttime in months, and that just wouldn’t do.

“I’m sorry,” Enjolras stated, cutting right to the chase.

Grantaire merely grunted sceptically and walked a few pacesaway, busying himself with tidying the clutter on the side table and not meetinghis eyes.

Enjolras sighed quietly. He could do this. What kind ofhypocrite would he be if he spent half his free time railing about injustice,but couldn’t even apologise to his boyfriend when he had been hurtful?

“I’m sorry for what I said to you about the leaflets,” hetried again. “It wasn’t fair of me to call you lazy, especially when I know howmuch you struggle with that descriptor. And I should never have implied thatyou… didn’t manage to get them done… on purpose. I know you must have triedyour best.”

Grantaire turned around, trying to continue being sullen butunable to help the upturn of his lips. “It was pretty ableist of you,” heagreed.

Enjolras knew Grantaire was trying to mock him, but thatdidn’t stop the words from being true. “It was, and I’m sorry,” Enjolrasreplied, taking a hesitant step forward. “All the work you do for Les Amis isappreciated, and you don’t ever have to push yourself or feel bad if you can’tdo something, okay?”

Grantaire took a step forward too, then, face becomingearnest as he revealed how little he actually wanted to remain arguing. “Okay.But you need to let me say that I’m sorry that I called what you dopointless, and that-“

“No, no!” Enjolras cut him off, taking another step forwardso that he could take Grantaire’s hands in his. “I said something really out ofline and you reacted by trying to push me away, which I know you can’t reallyhelp. Don’t apologise for that.”

Grantaire ducked his head. “Still probably shouldn’t havecalled you a bougie hipster who gets a kick out of acting like he’s one of uspoor miserable fuckers on the weekend.”

Enjolras gritted his teeth. “Well, it’s kind of true-“

“No it’s not.” Now it was Grantaire’s turn to cut him off.He reached out his callused right hand and brushed a lock of hair behindEnjolras’ ear, leaving their left hands still entwined. “You really believe inwhat you do, and you show solidarity, not pity. I still don’t think you’regonna change anything, but I’m proud of you for giving it your all.”

Enjolras smiled, blinking away the beginning of tears. “Thankyou,” he whispered, leaning down to allow their foreheads to touch. “Love you, R.”

“Love you too, mon ange,” Grantaire replied,tilting his chin up for a kiss.

[adhd-ahamilton]

C F I M S T Y :) (I'm sorry....) ❤️

Never apologise for responding to these memes :P And oh, one of them’s already done, so that’s ONE less... :P

C: What character do you identify with most?

Lmao that’s a really good question!! It’s funny... I think many of us went through a similar process here, of liking Hamilton and relating to him, but then also encountering Laurens and really relating to him? But I think that’s because Hamilton is a specific kind of person, that a lot of the time it’s less relating to him outright and more... looking to him as an example? Both good and bad. Being enthralled by him and wanting to learn from him and figure out how to take on those qualities of passion and ambition and hard work without also gaining the many negative qualities. And I think that’s part of what interested John about Alex as well - John had so much tendency to self-doubt, and of course there was the whole issue of what he would study and how his dad basically forced him into law, but then there’s Alex who is so sure of what he’s going to do and how he’s going to do it...

But ramble aside: I identify a lot with Laurens like emotionally? And tend to project my insecurities and worries onto him. And also since I am also a white person from a wealthy family I try to kinda... be aware of that through him, as a way to work through what it’s easy to forget in my position and how I need to do better. So I guess I relate to him morally, as well. But... I first did get into this fandom because I saw something in Hamilton that I almost never saw in any other characters. Like, I almost never really relate to characters? There isn’t any character at all I can point to and say ‘yep, they’re just like me’? And Hamilton spoke to me in a bunch of ways I didn’t think I’d ever find. But like I said, it’s also partially a lesson thing - he taught me that I could be the way I was and still work and achieve things and be useful and do good, but it was also kind of a ‘yeah you can do better in THESE ways though, wow’ kind of thing. So though I don’t write from his POV much for various reasons, I definitely relate to him in some really important ways as well.

And uh, beyond this fandom... I love Leslie Knope but I’m more like Ben Wyatt, and there’s a whole bunch of moe anime girls that I relate way too much to (like Suou from Flowers and Hanamaru from Love Live! and oh god, Tsukimi from Princess Jellyfish for sure...)

F: Care to share a favorite hurt/comfort fic?

Hmmmmm! :O There are a lot of good ones by Madtom and Publius in their whole verse! Also, going through my fic tag... wow this one by ciceroprofacto is SO GOOD (it’s not like overtly hurt/comfort but the overtone is definitely there in the end).

And beyond this fandom... I was into Supernatural right before this and lmao, canon-verse Dean/Castiel is like, inherently hurt/comfort :P And yet my favourite is probably this human AU one where Dean is a paraplegic and Cas is a guy who comes in to hang out and talk with people at the care facility and it’s written so so sensitively and avoids a lot of the gross ableist tropes that are so common in this type of fic because it’s written by someone who actually knows their stuff a lot and it’s REALLY GOOD and great!!

(Also just in general I tend to bookmark fic on AO3 when I like them, and I read for a pretty broad array of fandoms, so if you’re looking for recs you might find some you like there!)

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

MAN like I really have a thing for like... stuff to do with intimacy? Specifically, kinda mismatched or forced intimacy or whatever. Like the classic ‘there’s only one bed’ thing, where two characters who are just friends (or, like ‘’just friends’’) suddenly have to share a bed together, or the even MORE classic pretend lovers thing, where two friends have to pretend to be a couple and it’s all awkward and uncomfortable and they start feeling it FOR REAL but then it’s like nooo they’re only pretending, we have to act like we’re so close but we’re not but I wish we were...! MAN it’s so great!! Like IDK there’s just something about characters ending up in this position and it’s awkward but they end up learning so much about each other and then falling for each other and that just makes it even worse... Love it :’)

Or like, I looove like sexual tension and friendships that tip just a bit over too much and that steady slow burn as they get closer and closer and they’re SO CLOSE to getting together but NOT QUITE and they’re so much PINING and TOUCHING and ahhhh!!!!

Also just, projecting as much of myself and various identities and stuff onto characters as possible :P

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?

S-so many... orz hmmMMM here’s a couple!

A modern day AU Hamburrger thing where they dated in college and now they’re both politicians and it comes out and Ham just kinda admits to it because what does he care and now Burr is just *screaming internally* at all times because he actually wanted to keep every tiny bit of his private life out of the public sphere, thanks?

Another Hamburrger thing where Ham is just trying to have a fun sexy time but Burr keeps unintentionally prodding at Ham’s really painful memories and stuff and it all just falls apart

One that I’ll almost certainly never write but: Lams AU assuming Ham dies in 1804 (which I don’t think he would but whatever) and Alex Jr is mourning but it’s difficult at home because he and Eliza never got along that well so he ends up staying over with Laurens instead and somehow they get to talking and finding ways to mourn together and Eliza as well and it’s all awkward and sad but they’re figuring it out eventually somehow

Various other Lams AU things, including: a kind of day in the life thing featuring domesticity and more Ham and Frances interaction, Laurens first moving into the city next to Ham and a LOT of domesticity and also porn?, Ned Stephens showing up and effectively doing the ‘if you hurt him I’ll kill you’ to Laurens, Alex and Eliza talking about the whole ‘Im cheating on you with a man’ thing where they are both irrevocably on different pages and will never agree but at least start to understand each other a little better

John and Francis meeting up during the war. Which sounds like a perfectly simple premise which I totally don’t need to research at all before I start writing it in my head!!!

Also I couldn’t write it myself because I don’t know nearly enough but I’d be really curious to see a Lams fic set in modern times, but like, where they’re both still in the military? Obviously such a fic would have to engage with the whole issue of the American military and all but like, we already have to engage with slavery as a thing, soooo it’s hardly foreign territory (no pun intended).

S: Any fandom tropes you can't resist?

Already covered part of that :P I love those dumb plots that basically revolve around ‘two characters are stuck together! How do they react?’ because there are just so many ways they can go depending on the characters and that’s really interesting!!

I also really love domestic fic including kid fic, historical AUs, interesting formats (like epistolary etc.), Outsider POV, and of course slow burn!

I quite like fandom tropes in general, to the extent that people really do, like... cross-reference the pairing and characters to the trope and write it specifically for them, and not just some Generic Pretend Couple Fic and change the names? I just really like seeing all the subtle differences between different interpretations of the same characters, when it’s done well!

T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?

Hoo boy :) Well first up, I’m not into D/s, so any kind of A/b/o and slavefic and stuff I just walk right past. And as I implied above, when I get into a pairing, I really like to get into like... what makes that pairing special and unique and different? So I really dislike any stuff which cleaves towards making them more generic, like ‘jock!{character}/nerd!{character}’ type fic, which usually just ends up exactly the same as any other jock/nerd fic. (Also maybe it’s just cause I’m Aussie but we...didn’t ever actually have strict groupings like that in high school? So those fic in particular are just. Bizarre to me.)

Related, I tend not to like high school/college/coffee shop AUs because they’re usually like really overtly ‘hey this is what it is like for people here!! haha doesn’t it reflect your time in college really well? this is just what things are like for me!!’ and they are...usually not relatable to me. At all. Because my experiences are quite weird;;; So I just. don’t enjoy reading them because it makes me feel bad lol.

And uhhhh I really dislike fic where people go hard on the sarcasm and stuff? Like it mostly just ends up making them sound like assholes. I admit I’m particularly sensitive to this but I really, really hate people who mock and insult other people for just being themselves and doing what they want and 90% of snarky seems to be about that, especially when done by inexperienced writers. But even experienced writers do this sometimes when they get this idea that banter is good writing 100% of the time or that it’s too ‘’’simple’’’ just to write a character being like... nice? Or genuine? (Like holy shit I got soooo damn sick of snarky!Castiel like yeah great he is sarcastic OCCASIONALLY in canon, he’s not a grumpy asshole 24/7, where do people get this??? But it’s also something that comes up a lot in Hamilton musical fic and. yeah.)

Aaaand that’s probably enough lmao thanks for asking again!!! :D

[razorblade-eyes]

5 Tools to Help You Ditch Diet Culture for Good

Diet culture is all around us. It influences how we speak and exercise, what we eat and wear, and even how we feel about and talk to ourselves. We are living and breathing diet culture every day, yet most people don’t even know it exists. That’s because it is so deeply embedded into our lives that it seems completely normal (until you start to do a little digging, that is).

What Is Diet Culture?

Diet culture is a system of beliefs and values that prioritizes body weight, shape, and size over health and well-being.

Diet culture places a moral value on behaviors, products, and goals that are designed to achieve a specific body type.

In the world of diet culture, thin bodies are the most valuable bodies, food can be neatly categorized into “good” and “bad,” and only certain kinds of exercise are worthwhile. The focus is on external goals instead of internal ones, and decisions come from a place of self-control instead of self-care.

You may be thinking, “But I’m not on a diet, so what does diet culture have to do with me?”

The thing is, you don’t have to be on a named diet like Keto or Whole30 to be participating in the culture of dieting. Most of us have been living in diet culture for so long that we have an internalized diet mentality that affects how we think about food, movement, and bodies.

How To Spot Diet Culture and the Diet Mentality In Action

If diet culture is all you’ve ever known, at first some forms of it can be tricky to pinpoint. With time and practice, it gets easier to identify diet culture around you and within your own mind.

The most obvious forms of diet culture employ mostly black-and-white thinking. Food is described with terms like clean and dirty, or healthy and unhealthy, leaving no room for nuance. Some foods seem to take on magical properties and are described as “detoxifying,” “super,” or “miracle” foods, while others are demonized for being “fake” and “junk.”

Under the diet mentality, the simple act of eating can easily turn into a guilt trip or shame spiral. Food decisions may be based on what you think you should be eating instead of what you want to eat, and restricting foods or food groups is common.

Mantras like “Every bite you take is either fighting disease or feeding it” get thrown around, implying that choosing the right foods to keep from getting sick is a personal responsibility and a moral imperative.

Diet culture teaches that exercise exists to atone for the sins of what we’ve eaten, and that exercise can be used to “earn” food. The language of exercise is of the harder, faster, stronger variety with an emphasis on a “no excuses” attitude.

Worst of all, diet culture equates weight and size with health. Not only does this ignore additional aspects of health beyond the physical (such as mental, spiritual, emotional, and social health), it also leads to weight stigma and normalizes the constant pursuit of weight loss, often to the detriment of actual health markers.

Diet culture also shows up in more devious ways.

It’s there when you and your coworkers are celebrating an office birthday and there’s a 5-minute discussion about who’s gluten-free that month, whether the cake is keto-friendly, and how “indulgent” a slice is. It’s there when you judge someone else for what they order at a restaurant or put on their plate at a party.

Diet culture is also there when you’re complimenting someone on their weight loss and whispering behind someone’s back about their weight gain. It’s there every time you believe your body is not to be trusted and that your natural hunger and cravings are a betrayal.

Diet Culture Is Harming Us in More Ways Than One

Diet culture’s harms are widespread. With diet culture in charge, we are expected to spend our valuable time, money, and energy in pursuit of looking a certain way and being “healthy” and “fit” enough. We are socialized to believe that we can earn our worth through weight and wellness. This distracts us from other important aspects of our lives, such as work, education, relationships, and rest.

Diet culture also contributes to the prevalence of eating disorders, which have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. It’s estimated that up to 30 million people have an eating disorder in the United States alone.1 Many known eating disorder risk factors, such as body image dissatisfaction, weight stigma, and a history of dieting, are par for the course in diet culture.2

While diet culture harms everyone, its effects are especially detrimental to marginalized groups. That’s because diet culture reinforces existing systems of oppression.

For example, diet culture promotes a single body type (thin and visibly “fit”) as healthy and desirable. This ignores the reality of body diversity and perpetuates widespread fatphobia.

Additionally, the body type diet culture encourages is most often attributed to white bodies that conform to Western beauty ideals. This is inherently racist and contributes to a long history of white bodies being seen as the status quo while all other bodies are seen as less desirable and worthy.

Diet culture also has roots in classism. It pushes a mandatory “wellness culture” with prohibitive costs while ignoring issues like poverty and food availability. Further, diet culture is ableist in its insistence that we can all be “healthy” and stave off disease if we just buy the right foods, take the right supplements, and commit to the right exercise routine.

This isn’t an exhaustive list of the harm that diet culture causes or the types of oppression that it supports, but it does provide a foundation for helping you to understand that when diet culture is the norm, we all lose.

5 Tools For Dismantling Diet Culture

If you have been participating in diet culture and experiencing the diet mentality, you are not to blame for that. The system is at fault, not individuals, and this discussion about diet culture and the harm it causes is not intended to shame you.

Think of diet culture as a stream traveling in a single direction — it’s not only people knowingly swimming with the current who are following the water’s path, it’s also people who are passively floating in the stream.

But there is another option, and that is to actively swim upstream against the current by working to dismantle diet culture and your own diet mentality. It will take time and practice to unlearn years of diet culture behaviors and it won’t be easy (swimming upstream never is), but there are some steps you can take to get started:

1. Reject the Diet Mentality

Get rid of things that keep you stuck in the diet mentality like low-calorie cookbooks and your scale. Leave behind dieting and restricting for good, and don’t get distracted by the newest fad. Stop putting weight loss and leanness on a pedestal and revolving your life around achieving them to the detriment of your health and well-being.

Commit to catching yourself when you fall back on diet talk in social situations, and start to recognize your internalized food rules so you can practice letting them go.

2. Be Critical of the Language You Use

Once you know what the language of diet culture sounds like, you’ll start to notice it everywhere. Avoid language that:

Moralizes food, such as good, bad, clean, naughty, sinful, cheating, cheat day, etc.

Links food and exercise, such as “I earned that piece of pizza,” “I deserve that donut,” “I need to burn off that holiday stuffing.”

Shames or demeans people for their choices, such as “Soda will kill you, you know,” “Cardio is a waste of your time,” “I think you’ve probably had enough to eat,” “Should you really be eating that?”

Focuses on bodies, such as “You should think about losing some weight. I’m just worried about your health,” “You look amazing, have you lost weight?”

If you feel comfortable with doing so, you can also gently challenge others who use this language by explaining to them how problematic it is.

3. Learn to Eat Intuitively

If you’re going to leave dieting behind, you’ll need to find a new way of eating that doesn’t rely on external food rules. The practice of intuitive eating will help you become more aware of what’s going on inside your body, so you can start trusting your body again. By learning to eat intuitively, you’ll be able to reconnect with your hunger and fullness cues, focus on satisfaction, and stop restricting.

4. Nurture Your Relationship With Nutrition and Exercise as a Form of Self-Care

Loosen your grip on any of your previous practices that were rooted in obsession and perfectionism instead of real self-care. If the thought of getting fewer than 10,000 steps a day fills you with fear, it’s time to take off the activity tracker. If you’re used to all of your food choices being guided by calories and macros, get comfortable listening to your cravings instead.

Prioritize food and movement that makes you feel good instead of food and movement that you hope will make you look a certain way.

A good litmus test is asking yourself, “Would I still be doing X if I knew for a fact my body wouldn’t change as a result?”

5. Build Community

Ditching diet culture by yourself when it seems like everyone else is still stuck in it can feel awfully lonely. It helps to be in touch with like-minded people.

On social media, unfollow accounts that no longer fit your values, and search for new ones that include content about intuitive eating, joyful movement, and a weight-inclusive approach to health.

Look for groups online or locally in your area that are anti-diet and embrace body diversity. Educate yourself on these topics through books, podcasts, and candid conversations.

What If You’re Tempted to Return to Diet Culture?

Participating in diet culture is a form of social currency that most of us have been trying to cash in on all of our lives. Inevitably there will be times when you want to run back to its familiar embrace.

When that happens, feel your feelings, and remind yourself that you’re having a normal reaction. Getting diet culture’s siren song out of your head won’t be easy, especially in the beginning. But if you remain focused on all the reasons it’s important to dismantle diet culture, you’ll be able to keep swimming upstream, one stroke at a time.

References

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, Eating Disorder Statistics. https://anad.org/education-and-awareness/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

National Eating Disorders Association, What Are Eating Disorders? Risk Factors. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/risk-factors

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