#which isnt a fun thing to have to dread when the person whos memories your holding for is one of said gods

[shadow-assassin-blix]

Be Still, My Heart

PART 1

Marcus Pike X Tattooed/Pierced Reader

A/n: So... this has been in my WIPs for a few months. I’m dedicating this to @pikemoreno​ cause its her husband, obviously and @flightlessangelwings​ since this was our Lovechild idea. Both of us are tatted, she wants lots more piercings and it is my lifelong goal to join the FBI and be on the Gang Unit. So this was created. Enjoy!

Taglist: @mikeisthricedeceased​

It has been about month since the dreaded break up between up Marcus Pike and Teresa Lisbon. Marcus, who has not yet transferred to D.C., was still having to work in same space as her and Patrick Jane. And it killed him.

He hated seeing them together. True, he understood that maybe he moved too fast, and that she clearly wasn’t over her feelings for Jane, but it left a bitter seed inside him.

‘Why wasn’t I enough?’

He tried his best not to ruminate on the thoughts, feelings, or memories that would barrage his brain all hours through the day. He tended to run through the motions. His team could tell. His team noticed he was quieter, that he smiled less. There was nothing they could. How does a person help heal a broken heart?

It was about midday when he was informed that he was getting a transfer teammate. They were coming in from the gang unit. So, he got the desk that sat opposite his ready for them.

He was deep into reading a file, vaguely aware that the elevator dinged, when a voice cleared their throat.

He looked up and was surprised by the sight he saw. It was a woman, dressed in pencil skirt and a silk blouse, that fitted her perfectly. She had tattoos up and down her arms, and he could see some on her legs. She had multiple piercings in her ears, and one in her lower lip.

Upon first sight, he expected someone who was going to be gruff and rude but was pleasantly surprised when he heard her speak.

“Hi. Agent Pike? My name is Steel,” Her voice was soft and dainty sounding.

“Steel?” He asked, slightly confused because that was not the name he was given.

She gasped, slapping a hand lightly to her forehead, and gave him her real name.

“Sorry, I’ve been undercover too long. Steel was my nickname,” She apologized by biting her lip softly.

“That’s okay. I like it. Is it because of the piercings or what?” he asked curious, he found her charming.

“That and they said I had ‘nerves of steel.’ I don’t know. It’s silly, but it stuck,” She commented with a shrug.

He smiled and nodded before informing her, “Alright, so here’s where you’ll sit. This pile of folders are all of our open cases so far. Familiarize yourself with them. This isnt the gang unit so it’s not really action-packed, so… sorry if that’s a problem.”

“Not a problem at all. I’m ready for something a bit… calmer. Question though, why is our unit down here? I thought we had an entire floor?” She questioned sitting down.

“We usually do. The floor is being renovated and in a month and a half, half of the team will be going to D.C. so. Kind of just stuck here,” Marcus explained ignoring the pang in his chest as he thought about it.

“Oh. Okay. Would I be included in that half?” She asked quietly.

“Probably. The director will let you know by the end of the week,” He told her before returning to his file.

She nodded her head and took a moment to quietly study him. He was awfully handsome, and she could tell he was probably quite the gentlemen. She knew her body art can be quite the shocker, but his stare never once turned judgmental. In fact, he almost appeared curious about them.

She got to work and slowly met the rest of the team as the day went on. At the end of the day, they offered to buy her a drink, as a celebration. She accepted with a smile and looked over at Marcus who was still working.

“Would you like to join us?” She offered walking over to him.

He looked up at the question and noticed everyone was about to head out.

He politely shook his head, “No. Thank you though.”

She nodded her head once, and gave him a small wave goodbye, as she rejoined the others. They headed to a local pub that was 2 blocks over. They ordered their drinks and were talking amongst themselves.

At one point she noticed, one of the team members, Jack, scoffed quietly. She looked at him confused and followed his gaze over to the table where the other team that they shared space with sat. The others slowly got into a soured mood as they noticed their presence as well.

She whispered, “What’s up? Why are y’all acting weird?”

Amanda, who sat next to her, “So, you were bound to find out. But... the leader over there? Lisbon? Marcus was dating her.”

Chase who sat across from her finished, “He even proposed to her. She accepted but not even an hour later, broke it off to be with the blonde asshat you see with them.”

“So. We don’t like them,” Jack stated rolling his eyes.

Steel mouthed a silent ‘oh.’

“Worst part is, he’s also divorced. He has the worst luck with women and he’s honestly the sweetest guy I know. If I didn’t have a wife, I would take him,” Amanda said with a small sigh.

Steel listened to them, as they told her more stories about their boss. Not one of them seem to have a bad thing to say about him. That night as she went home, she was determined to make him smile again.

It began subtly. She would leave sticky notes randomly on his desk, that told silly jokes/puns or have phrases of encouragement.

His smile would be faint when he would find them. He was well aware of who was leaving them. Only one person had bright pink sticky notes, and she left them sitting on her desk.

Then she began to leave little flowers or candies on his desk. She always acted like she didn’t know what he was talking about when he brought it up. This went on for 2 weeks. When she found out that she would be heading to D.C. with them, she asked Marcus if he would be okay with helping her pack up some things. With it being a month away, most of them had the majority of their things packed up already.

He agreed to help with a smile.

That weekend, they went and got boxes and tubs galore. Her house was two-story townhouse. She fortunately, didn’t have stuff in every room, but she did have quite the library. Which is what he wound up helping her with the most.

They spent a great deal of time talking about books, especially over lunch and dinner. They were finishing up in the library later that evening when Marcus paused for a moment.

“How… how many tattoos do you have?” He asked eventually.

“Quite a few. I plan to get more as well. Piercings is probably easier to tell you,” She mentioned offhandedly.

“You have more than what I can see?” He inquired looking at her closely.

She giggled and cleared her throat before explaining “So I have 5 in each ear. My lip. Umm. This is probably too much info for my boss to know but I also had my nipples pierced anddd.. someplace else.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, his mouth dropping. “Wow.”

“Well, I had to get rid of,” She gestured to her chest. “when I began in the academy, so I technically don’t have them anymore. Uh. Tis not fun to run with them.”

He blushed lightly at that and chuckled softly, looking away.

“And… I think that’s enough on the TMI portion from my end. Um. Do you have any body modifications?” She asked awkwardly trying to get the focus off of her.

“No. I do not. Um. Always thought about getting a tattoo but was never brave enough to do it,” He mentioned as he took a seat on a tub.

“Really? Well. Maybe when we are in D.C., we can go get you a tattoo. I’d hold your hand and everything,” She suggested sitting next to him.

“I’d like that. Even the hand-holding part,” He teased lightly.

They stared at each, looking softly at one another. Her eyes glanced down at his lips briefly, wondering what they would feel like against hers.

He slowly leaned forward, his hand brushing along her jaw. She hesitantly closed the gap, pressing her lips against his. She pulled away slightly, trying to make sure he was okay with this. He pulled her back to him and kissed her more firmly. The passion was unhurried, building up gradually. When they pulled away, they were both breathless.  

“Wow,” She whispered looking down, feeling her cheeks warm up.

Marcus cleared his throat and said, “I really like you… and I’m sure you’ve heard… about my previous relationship. If… if it doesn’t bother you… I’d like to be with you but… if.. if we could take it slowly?”

She looked up at him, stunned. “Honestly… I was worried you were about to say that was a mistake. I don’t mind taking this slowly. I just got out of pretty bad relationship myself to be honest. But I like you. A lot.”

He bit his lip briefly and nodded his head. “If I may, since we only really got a room done… maybe tomorrow I can take you out to lunch as a date before tackling the next room?”

“I’d like that,” She agreed softly smiling brightly at him.

She walked him to the door, and she started to tell him goodbye, but stopped.

“I know we agreed to take it slowly… but can I kiss you again?” She requested, fiddling with a lock of hair nervously.

He stepped forward, leaned down, and pressed his lips to hers in response. She slowly wrapped her hands around his neck, burying them in his hair, as she kissed back.

The kiss was shorter but still just as passionate.

As he pulled away, he quietly confirmed, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

She nodded telling him goodbye as he walked out. She locked the door with a sigh. She felt super giddy and couldn’t wait to see him again tomorrow.

Marcus, as he stepped into his car, felt happy. Something he hadn’t felt in a while. He looked forward to seeing Steel again. That night, as he got ready for bed, he realized… that not once that day… did his mind ever think of Lisbon. Even now, as he settled into his bed, he wasn’t riddled with thoughts or memories of their doomed relationship. He fell asleep thinking of woman covered in tattoos and piercings.

[my-fanfic-library]

Something Different {BBC Dracula x Reader} [19]

Masterlist

~^*^~

You stretched out your body as the sleep slowly began to ebb away and become replaced with full consciousness. As you did, a tingle of pleasure ran down your spine and you mewled. Not feeling fully satisfied, you stretched out once more and made yet another noise of pleasure at the sensation.

“Darling, I assure you that if you continue to make such suggestive sounds, there will be hell to pay.” Dracula warned stoically, his eyes shifting back to his kindle.

“I can’t help it,” you softly whined, rolling over to face him, “it feels so nice to stretch, don’t you agree?”

“I shall agree that it feels good to watch you stretch, but that’s as far as I’ll go.” He smirked at you.

“I’m never stretching again.” You grumbled and turned away from him.

“[First],” he chuckled and extended his hand to grasp your chin and turn your face towards him, “don’t ever change.” With the softest smile, he pecked your cheek.

It was crazy how the most domestic things made you feel so fluttery on the inside. You couldn’t help the smile that broke out on your face and you completely rolled back over, wrapping your arm snugly around his waist. He hummed. He pressed a second kiss to the top of your head. The surreality of the moment dawned on you and you smiled, burying yourself deeper into him. Home had never felt so close.

You thought back three days, after your fight with Dracula and the very positive consequences of that. You had practically ran home, and fled up the stairs to begin to throw your clothes into a suitcase. Jack had rushed up after you and once he saw the smile on your face, he knew his most dreaded nightmare had become a reality. Dracula had returned and he was stealing you away.

“Where are you going?” He had asked, chocking back his emotions.

“We,” you began, “are going back to London.”

“I don’t want to go back to London.” He deadpanned. You froze and turned to look at him, “he’s here isnt he?”

“Don’t be like that, Jack.” You sighed, smile fading, “we don’t belong here.” Your avoidance of the question hit him in the chest. Dracula was here and he had managed to convince you to go.

“Yes we do. We always have done. We made a life here, [First], please don’t throw it away for him.”

“...I’m not doing it for anyone else but myself.” You lied.

“Well you can go. But I’m staying here.”

“Jack, please don’t do this. Don’t make me pick.”

“Why should I be fair to you if you’re going to run back to him the moment he comes back? Did he fake his own death? He hurt you like that and you’ll go back to him?”

“Yes.” You narrowed your eyes

“Why?”

“Because I love him.”

Dracula’s voice calling your name brought you back to where you were - in bed, snuggled up against him like he was the warmest thing in the world, even though you were beginning to seriously grow cold.

“What are you thinking about?” He inquired.

“You.” You whispered dreamily. He laughed.

“You truly are the sweetest thing.” Another kiss, “when the time is right, I will have the most fun ruining you.” His voice grew darker and you slapped his chest as a scolding.

“That’s no way to speak to a lady!”

“You’re right, I’m very sorry, Lady [Last].”

Your laughter was cut short by the knocking of the front door. It echoed through the apartment until it met your ears and you mumbled to him to leave it. He evidently couldn’t leave it, and began tugging himself away from your grasp.

When he was finally standing, he tugged the duvet up (which already had much nicer black cotton sheets)and cocooned you in.

“Keep yourself warm for me, my lady. I’ll only be a moment.”

Your heart faltered. Dracula, smiling to himself left the room and shut the door. He felt like he had finally been granted access to heaven after so very long. 524 years and he finally had a taste of euphoria. Who would’ve thought it was you?

He loved the way the sunlight streamed in. He loved the vibrancy it brought with it. He loved the way that it would cast a halo over you when you sat with him in the morning, back to the window as you let your back warm up by the heat. He truly felt like the richest man in the world.

Moving towards the door, he didn’t bother pushing his smile back. Why should he?

He was genuinely shocked when he pulled back the door and saw the person waiting for him. He hadn’t changed much except for his skin becoming a little leathery and losing its colour, and of course, his eyes taking on a red kind of hue as they always did what What Dracula called the ‘newborns’.

“Good morning, Renfield, can I help you?”

“Actually, Count Dracula, I came to thank you.”

“To thank me?”

“Yes, you have blessed me- may I?” He pushed past the taller male, entering the apartment.

“Not really...” Dracula’s hands rose up to shoulder leval, as if in question and then fell. He felt a little unnerved, “so, um, how long have you been... like that?” There was a sudden intensity to Renfield that he didn’t like. Newborns had a disgusting thirst to blood that drove most to a deathly insanity. He had somehow managed to make it past that point.

“Oh,” Renfield turned to face him, “quite a while now. Aren’t you proud of yourself? You finally perfected your technique.”

“Well,” he began with an amused scoff, “you caught me at a bad time.”

“My apologies-...” he trailed off, “were you about to eat?” Shit. Could he smell you?

“Oh, no-“

“Could I join you?”

“No, Renfield I’m not eating.”

Fuck.

“My god, where are they? I have never smelt anything so succulent. So sweet...”

“Renfield, I think you need to leave.” Dracula warned darkly.

In the bedroom, you had grown tired of lying about and had sat up and was flipping though the pages of Dracula’s novel on his kindle. He’d probably be upset for you losing his page, but he was a 524 year old man, he should have an immaculate memory by now.

But as you began to delve in 3/5s into the book, you heard a sound. It was barely above a whisper. You thought nothing of it and went back. The sound came again a little louder - but still uncipherable. You shook it off. A third time.

‘Bloofer...’

You looked around the room. Nothing. There was nothing. You were being silly.

‘Bloofer lady...’

Heart beginning to race, you pulled your legs up and out of the duvet, getting ready to rush out of the room. That was when the wardrobe doors blew open and there she stood, between his stream-ironed suits in her burnt glory. You screamed and without thinking, launched the kindle in her direction. Upon contact, she was gone.

Shaking, you clambered off of the bed and made your way towards the wardrobe. You plucked the kindle up and noticed a gash down the centre. Oops.

You didn’t know if Dracula had shooed away whatever company was at he door, but you decided to venture out anyway. You had to confess before he found the broken kindle himself. He was going to be so mad... You tugged open the door.

“Hey, Drac, there was kinda an accident...” you trailed off upon seeing Renfield standing a little away from you. Dracula was further down the room, now fully glaring at the lawyer, “oh, sorry.”

“Oh my goodness. She smells even better so close.” Renfield purred.

“Get out.” Dracula demanded.

“What? And let you enjoy a delicacy all to yourself? I have respect for you, Dracula, but I’m not stupid.”

“She’s not anyone’s meal. I am warning you to leave while you still have your head attached to your body.”

“Gosh, you do make a good pair. Both of you enjoy to threaten my head.”

Dracula sent you a questioning look, and you sent one back that seemed to read ‘I’ll tell you later’. During your distraction, Renfield took a step towards you and when you realised, you took a quick step backwards. Dracula took two long strides forwards.

“Don’t you dare touch her.” He warned, his voice dangerously low. His eyes had darkened to almost black and you knew that he was nothing short of livid.

“I only want a taste, Dracula.” Renfield started.

“She’s not yours.”

“Since when did you claim her?”

Renfield made a break for you. Dracula didn’t hesistate to sprint forward and you realised that you had never truly seen him as a predator. Renfield managed to get to you and his hands gripped onto your t-shirt. His teeth were bared and his eyes were almost glowing. He was on your for a second before Dracula had smashed into him and knocked him away. The force of his arms being removed from you sent you flying backwards in the bedroom. You scrambled up and rushed out to see Dracula and Renfield in a death lock, throwing punches onto one another as both tried to get back up whilst simultaneously keeping the other down.

Dracula managed to push Renfield down and kick his head to keep him down for just a moment.

“Run, [First]!” He barked at you.

You dashed out of the bedroom, ignoring the whining pain in your back. So close to the door, you were pulled back and pulled up into the air by a pair of unfamiliar arms. You screamed and began to thrash in his arms.

Time slowed for Dracula and he had a split second to make a decision. In order to get you out of Renfield’s grip, he was going to have to risk hurting you. He’d rather hurt you himself than let any fatal harm come to you. He sprinted towards you and grasped Renfield. He yanked at his neck, trying to get him to have no choice but to let you go. It was no use.

So, he swung out his leg and as it collided with Renfield’s knee, he heard the splintering crack of bone. Renfield dropped to the floor, screaming in agony but refused to let you out of his talons.

“LET HER GO!” Dracula began blow after blow of his elbow on Renfield’s face. His nose cracked and began to gush blood. His lips split in several places and he had no choice but to finally let you go.

You rolled from his grasp, pushing yourself away from the floor. Your eyes were glued on Dracula, who was completely gone with his rage. The anger on his face, the power of his hits, this was the force of his jealousy and this was how far he would go to protect you. You had to be honest - it kind of turned you on.

The fight did not end, however, as Renfield climbed up Dracula’s size and began to force him backwards. He drove Dracula’s back into the table and you saw the sudden mahogany coloured blood soaking the back of his shirt. Again and again, Renfield impales Dracula’s back on the corner of the table until Dracula could take no more. He, with all of his strength, pulled Renfield up and over his head, behind him, smashing his back down onto the table. It cracked and splintered and some pieces of marble flew out in all directions. He then grasped Renfield by the collar of his coat and dragged him towards one of the doors. It swung behind him and you could hear another scramble.

You somehow managed to get up and rush into the next room. The living room. On the right hand side of the room, Dracula was kicking Renfield back as he opened the doors to the balcony.

The commotion ended when Dracula plucked up Renfield and tossed his body over the balcony. He turned to you, aggressively panting.

“Are you alright?” He spoke between deep breaths.

“You should be worried about yourself, look at you.” You spoke gently.

He limped towards you and pulled you into him before he began to crumble to the floor. You sunk on your knees with him, cradling his head to your chest so that he could hear your heart.

“Darling, don’t be scared anymore.”

“I’m worried about you, Drac.” You whispered.

~^*^~

It took ten minutes to get him back into the bedroom and a further ten to convince him to take his shirt off and lie down on his stomach on the bed. He was being stubborn, and you had to keep trying your hardest to convince him to help himself.

When he was finally compliant with you, you straddled his thighs, looking at the deep gashes on his back. Six in total. You ran your fingers through his hair and he looked back at you.

“I’m fine, really-“

“No you aren’t. Now tell me again how I fix them.”

“Just... why don’t you let me do it?” He began to turn, but you grabbed hold of his shoulders and forced him back down into the pillows.

“No. I’m doing it. You won’t reach them all. Tell me.”

“Pinch the skin and twist.” His irked voice was muffled as he spoke to you.

“See? Easy. It won’t hurt will it?”

“Not much.”

“Stupid question, [First], the man’s been shot and not even flinched.” You mumbled to yourself.

“It’s endearing.” He craned his neck to look back at you once more, “you’re like a wonderful, loving wife.”

“Yeah, shut up and face down.”

“Oh, how did you ever find out I like to be bossed around whilst in bed like this.”

“I swear to the lord almighty I will leave you here and never come back.” You pouted.

“Liar. You’d never leave me.”

He was right. You could never leave him. Not after leaving your newfound life to be with him. He meant everything to you. But he didn’t need to know that. So, without warning, you began to close up his wounds. The first one made him hiss a little, and to soothe his pain, you leaned down and pressed your lips to the newly conjoined skin to let the sting sizzle away.

With every one that you closed, you left a kiss to help with the pain. Once you had done them all, you trailed your hands up and down his sides, pressing kisses higher up his back. He sighed, allowing your warmth that was spreading through him like wildfire. Your kisses ignited his skin and he had never felt this alive or this loved in... well forever. Now it was you hovering above him. He turned his head to look at you and you were inches above his face.

Another kiss you pressed to his shoulder and sent your hands down his sides once more. His skin tingled with your touch. He was in paradise. He loved the feeling of being consumed by you.

“Do you feel better now, love?”

“Love?” He repeated.

“Yes, my love,” your wicked eyes burned into his. Oh, heavens, you were driving him insane, “how do you feel?”

“... like I could fly.”

You softly chuckled and pressed another kiss on his shoulder, just next to the one that you had just planted. He was clinging on to every one of your movements. He anticipated every touch. When your hands ran back up, they ran along his arms and you threaded your fingers through his as you leaned to his nape and pressed a kiss.

He was in utter bliss.

“I can’t believe you did that for me.” You uttered against his skin.

“I’d do anything for you.”

He suddenly felt much better and had within a second, flipped himself around underneath you, sat up and wrapped his arms around you so that you were firmly on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist. You were so close. Your hands had instinctively pressed against his firm chest.

“Anything?” You quirked an eyebrow.

“Anything and anything.”

“Would you bring me the moon if I asked?” You giggled at the stupidity and the entire cliche of your question.

“And the stars to go with it.” He promised.

“Would you take me anywhere I wanted to go?”

“I’d carry you there if it was the only way.”

“Would you make me live forever?” Your voice was soft.

“...no... I wouldn’t do that.” He confessed, feeling a little guilty for having to say no to you.

“Why not?” There was the tiniest hint of hurt in your voice. Almost undetectable but when you had 500 years to master reading people, Dracula had become too good at it.

“I wouldn’t curse you with it. You are too good, you are too perfect to be tarnished by undeath.” He placed his forehead on yours. His eyes fluttered shut and he breathed in your scent. He focused on your warmth around him.

“Would you rather see me die?”

“I want to give you the best life so that you don’t regret or feel afraid to die, my sweetest, my loveliest, my angelic darling.” It was his turn to begin to press kisses to your neck.

Your throat began to burn with the kisses he left behind.

“I will give you everything. I will fulfil every desire. I will satisfy all of your thirsts.” He vowed to you, “your wish shall be my command and I will submit myself to you. So simply give me your warmth and your love, my darling.”

“Okay.” You whispered.

His kisses were working down your skin and you were thankful that you had chosen a little lower cut than usual shirt to sleep in. His lips worked on the skin of your chest, but the material that covered to just a little above where your heart was stopped him from going any further.

He pulled you into him, resting his head on your breast, listening to the steady beat of your heart. It made him feel normal. It made him feel like he wasn’t a monster after all.

You made him feel alive and he only hoped that you wouldn’t ever leave him. He think he truly would die of heartbreak if you did. The thought made him tug you tighter to him and without realising, the movement caused some friction where he hadn’t anticipated. You sucked in a breath, not wanting to draw any attention but your heart gave you away like usual. Your hands made their way to his hair.

“We can’t.” He whispered, “it would kill you.”

“That’s how I want to go.” You joked in an airy breath.

“Absolutely not.”

“Not even a little? Can’t you relive me?” You tugged his head back so that he could see the bees flooding your eyes. Jesus, he had forgotten about how intense desire could become. This was something he’d need to keep in check.

“Not today, my darling. Behave yourself and maybe we can come to some arrangement.”

“Don’t leave me waiting too long or else I may have to go looking for trouble.” You pressed a kiss to his jawline and he purposely pulled your hips down.

“What did I just say?”

You laughed.

~^taglist^~

@vampiregirl1797 @avalanet @bunnyreese12 @nerdonpluto @teamceleries @grifffins @hitbythunder @winterseoul @mymagicsuitcase @angeli-fucking-cat @benedictethegoddess @bloodhon3yx @nifflersravenclaw @writteninthestars288 @labelladrama @frankcastlesgrunts @angelicdestieldemon @quakerlasss @aliisa-jones @wolverinexmenn @clairedragonessbaker @cryiner @mitsukatsu @piratewhore @your-pixels-are-showing @tardisnesss @ladydovahkiin180 @catwomom @god-of-dramatic-death-scenes @th3rah @viper-queen @mephdcosplay @greghouse7 @faeprinces @kokoro-no-yami @trishaferdream @therealmoni @crazytxgradstudent @sansthelonelypunster @crowley-needs-a-hug @girlonfireice @wasntpriscilla @ivanna6026

[coralstudiies]

SURVIVAL GUIDE & STUDY TIPS

hello everyone!! this post is a collab with the lovely and amazing @boinkhs because we've both reached 2k followers :D she'll be doing study tips for college students and i'll be doing study tips for high schoolers. check out her post here!

i've split this into part 1. survival, which concerns how to study & learn better in general and just tips on how to get through high school. part 2. is on specific study tips for each type of subject, namely sciences, maths, languages and humanities.

Hope this helps <3

1. Don't snooze please

you just end up snoozing 5 times then you’re late for school

2. If you find you have difficulty getting out of bed, just keep in mind ONE TASK you need to do.

for example, making your bed. then you just gotta focus on that! it should help fight the sleepiness because you’re forcing your brain and limbs to be active.

3. Do the necessary things like brushing your teeth, putting on clothes and eat breakfast

i don’t know why but some people don’t eat breakfast before coming to school like ???? excuse me ???? please eat at least a small snack, or a fruit or something. your body doesnt function on an empty stomach! also, drink some water to hydrate yourself

4. On the road, you should do something that puts you in a good mood.

for me, i go straight to spotify and listen to my playlist. you should also review the previous day’s learning so that you refresh your memory before going back to class. personally this is my fav part of the day HAHAHA

5. If you like, you can choose to read a book.

just make sure you’re calm but ‘warmed up’ to focusing in a sense.

1. Hydrate frequently

idk man it just keeps you awake + i dont feel so icky if i drink enough water

2. Learn actively

if the teacher asks questions, try to answer. sit at the front row. offer to help give out the worksheets or notes. clarify your doubts after. when they speak, copy down notes. don’t worry about the aesthetic; i mean you can but you need to write fast and neat which unfortunately doesnt come together very often. i suggest you spend more brain power digesting and understanding the content.

3. Don’t over highlight

ONLY KEY POINTS that are stressed by the teacher. you can tell when their tone changes, expression changes, when they use more hand motions, or they keep repeating a few key words. yes , that. highlight that. stare at it while listening to them speak. make sure you understand. if you don’t please ask. but make sure you don’t have a fluorescent page because that’s not ideal study material!

4. Write down any questions you have

if they’re answered in the lesson, cancel them off. if not, ask after the lesson. dont be scared! *sends virtual courage*

5. Use whatever free time you have to finish homework

because you’re gonna thank yourself later. you should spend more time at home revising than doing homework. ( doing homework isnt equivalent to revising PLEASE I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY REVISED FOR 3 HOURS BUT ALL THEY DID WAS HOMEWORK ) also it feels better knowing you have one less thing to worry about

6. Record down all assignments, due dates and test dates

do it in a planner or your phone. doesn’t matter just keep them somewhere. it can be demoralising to see an entire entry of shit to get done but still it’s better than not knowing what needs to be done. ignorance is NOT bliss. try to color code or symbol code them, for example • for assignments (due date behind), - for tests etc. act on this when you go home (see below)

7. Have a file/binder some form of organisation to keep different subjects’ worksheets, tests, notes, reading etc.

you can have one massive binder, one binder for each subject, one folder file for each subject or anything that suits you. for me, i clip all materials of one subject together with a binder clip. the materials i use most are at the front for easy reference. then put those bundles into zipper files, perhaps one for math and sciences, another for languages and humanities. or whatever suits you best! make sure you have everything in one place so you don’t panic and dig through a pile of dog-eared paper.

8. If you can, when it’s near the exam period, don’t stay back after school unless it’s to study.

i used to stay back for training and to play volleyball with my friends and i kid you not we would play from 2pm to 6.30 pm and get nothing done but it was fun. and i’m not saying deprive yourself of that fun but when the exams are near, you should be studying somewhere quiet/ somewhere you can focus. you should go somewhere (preferably home) where you can focus and get things done.

9. Decide if you’re a lone wolf or if you need a study buddy/study group

personally i’m a lone wolf because i hate distractions and i don’t want to distract others. but when my friends ask me for help i don’t mind staying back a little to teach them and/or study with them. Personally i find that for subjects like english which require you to write about an array of topics, studying with someone else can help in generation of essay points and to just broaden your understanding of the topic. so yeah it really depends, just do what suits you :)

10. Take notes in class

try to understand while copying, and if you didn’t understand something, you should raise your hand and ask for the teacher to repeat so that you hear it again. also, it gives you more time to take notes as they re-explain the content. read them after the lesson is over to help internalise some facts. you can create your own method of organisation for your notes, e.g. colour coding.

1. Review the day’s learning on the way home.

if you take public transport, try to flip through your notes and worksheets to review new content for the first time.

2. Eat lunch, have a snack, take a shower, everything that’s necessary.

if you use your phone while eating, make sure you don’t eat slowly just to use your phone because that’s wasting time.

3. If you’re super tired, just have a 15-20min power nap

nothing more otherwise you will NEVER wake up until the dead of night. just take a nap to get some energy back. doesnt matter if you wake up feeling more tired, because you’ll shake that feeling in a while. keep a glass of water beside you so that you can drink it once you wake up!

4. Look through your ‘list’ that you made earlier in the day. (in class, pt. 6)

you might want to spend max 10 mins updating your schedule. then stare at the dreaded homework. start with the easiest and least time consuming to build up momentum. this could actually be the remainder of what you’ve finished in school. then look at the due dates. do them in order of due dates. unless it’s a huge project or assignment, you might want a head start on it!

5. With the remaining time, you should start revising

review the day’s learning AGAIN.

make notes/mindmaps/flashcards whatever works for you. you should prioritise the subject or chapter that you were most confused about. quickly revise and try to clear up any questions you have about the chapter. if you have additional time, go ahead and make notes for the next subject! another way is going through corrections and clarifying your doubts with friends/teachers, and summarise the day’s learning on a post-it or two. if you’ve already taken notes in class, look at other sources e.g textbook and combine what you’ve learnt before re-writing or re-organising your notes.

1. Pack your bag!

remove unnecessary materials, and pack the necessary one. make sure your bag isnt too heavy. you can choose to hand carry some files or binders if they’re too bulky, but make sure you’re all packed before the next morning

2. Have a meal & clean up

again, basic necessities. don’t go to bed hungry or feeling icky because thats not how you treat yo self!

Before class:

if you’re going to continue on a chapter, review the content that came before it. Try to make your own connections between the already learnt and to-be learnt content so that you’re mentally ready for class.

In class:

take down notes, highlight, annotate and DRAW DIAGRAMS. you can’t do sciences without diagrams. for physics or chemistry which require more calculation, copy down the problems your teacher goes through and solve them along with him/her. write the formulas on a post it note so you can stick it onto the page where you’re writing for easy reference. if the teacher plays a video which is MOST DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO WAIT FOR YOU you have to write only the relevant points in the most abbreviated form possible.

Note-taking:

I find that linear notes help me most in sciences. for chapters that involve lots of interconnected processes, for example o chem, then mindmaps or flowcharts will be helpful. also if you tend to forget something, post-it that stuff on the front page of your notes where you are FORCED to stare at it. yes. write down example problems and their steps, then write explanations for each step so that if you’re confused you can always refer back. again, draw any required diagrams.

Answering techniques:

if there’s a ‘standard’ way to answer it then you have to make sure you follow that way even in your homework because it’s muscle memory. when you get to exams, your hand will automatically write in the same format so you don’t lose marks or spend time recalling the correct format.

imo sciences are quite logical so as long as you remember and follow the flow you’ll be fine!

In class:

copy key terms, facts and examples and write all examples that the teacher has gone through. write all formulas and definitions on a post it, then shift it around the pages as needed. if there’s a type of problem you particularly suck at, ask your teacher for help IMMEDIATELY because it’s so easy to forget the steps to a problem.

At home:

do your homework, do additional practice, correct your mistakes, clarify, and repeat. memorise formulas and definitions (perhaps using flashcards or post its) then practice more and make sure your concepts are strong. there’s no easy way and sadly this is all i can comment.

In class:

copy down notes, think actively, and if you’re given a sample essay you should annotate the heck out of it and keep it somewhere safe.

For essays:

read up more and write up. befriend the best writer in class and ask for their essays. write essay plans and consult your teacher. brainstorm possible approaches with friends. read the news, and copy the links of interesting online articles for future reference. have a go-to list of examples and quotes you can use, for any and every topic. read these like your bedtime story and never forget to keep updating them.

For comprehension passages:

read the questions first. then you’ll be more sensitive to what you need to read in the passage and how you need to analyse it. try to question yourself about how and why the author does something or makes you feel something. do not rush-read the passage or you will fail horribly (personal experience). do one or two extra comprehensions and ask your teacher to mark them.

In class:

ARROWS TO LINK EVERYTHING and annotate any class notes given. write down new examples provided by the teacher. if there is a link you ‘can check out’ go check it out. it’s probably something thats gonna be on the exam.

At home:

you have to rely on mindmapping and flow charts because everything is linked in some way and you cannot ignore those links!!!! although i do my humanities notes in linear form, my in class notes are all in the form of mindmaps. and actually i revise from those in a pinch because i can see everything at one go. watch vids on the concepts, for example plate tectonics. those things are so hard to see when they’re deadass sitting on the page and not budging. watch a video where they really move instead of being frozen.

If you’re so frickin lost:

watch more videos on the concepts, watch more videos on the events, search up interpretations online and ask your teachers!!! for everyone who gets equally lost as me when i’m faced with a new chapter, another way is to pre-read before the teacher starts teaching. if you’re lazy to read just watch a couple clips on it so that at least you have some background. even if you wake up the next day with 0 concrete memory, which you won’t, you’ll already have the flow of things which will help you if you’re usually the straggler.

(disclaimer i study geography although i've tried history and english literature but i think that they're similar to some extent, especially on how to study them)

[motherofkittens94]

tagged by @whiteladyofrohann 

Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

Last;

1. Drink: tea 2. Phone call: My dad  3. Text message: im on the train now -  

4. Song you listened to: arsonists lullaby hozier 

5. Time you cried: like proper cried? not like just a tear or two ? i think a few weeks a go when i thought too much about andrew ...dont judge me * runs away* 

6. Dated someone twice?:  like dated broken up and then dated again? no  or gone on more than one date with the same person? ...also no  ive had a few disastrous  first dates but never made it the second one lol 

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No 8. Been cheated on: No 9. Lost someone special: Yes 10. Been depressed: apparently i am now oh well cest la vie  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up:  drunk yes with ive never been sick from alcohol 

Fave colours;

12. pink 13. Blue 14.  purple

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: Yes

16. Fallen out of love: with academia  yea  17. Laughed until you cried: Yes,  18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes 19. Met someone who changed you: Yes 20. Found out who your friends are: Yes 21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: no 

General;

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: almost all of them  23. Do you have any pets: i had a kitty who loved dearly but sadly he passed in October 

24. Do you want to change your name: No  25. What did you do for your last birthday: got real drunk in the student pub innit 

26. What time did you wake up today:  honestly ?*deep sigh* noon *horn of shame* and i had to be in work at 1 so i had to throw clothes on and grab a brunch and run for it thank god they didnt put me on morning  27. What were you doing at midnight last night: thinking about going bed but for some reason i didnt even though i wasnt really doing anything else 

28. What is something you cant wait for: im going to dodie live again i love her  30. What are you listening to right now: footloose  31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: oh  i know many many toms 

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: short people jokes and jokes in general about my disabilities .. which btw my height is a part of.. it just isnt funny... unless i make them hah ...but then thats a  much  different thing to laugh at yourself than to have other people do it  and sometimes its not even a joke its someone blatantly mocking the way you walk / run  in your view than laughing when they see you noticed and just that sucks ? like couldnt you at least wait for me to go first or laugh when you need help to reach things off shelves and stuff  and the fact that sometimes you gotta make those jokes yourself just so no one else can soz tmi but god that hacks me off 

33. Most visited website: Youtube? 34. Hair colour: Blonde 35. Long or short hair: my hair? short  its just below my jaw atm  36. Do you have a crush on someone: only actors 

37. What do you like about yourself:  determination kindness  and i have a good memory 

38. Want any piercings?: No 39. Blood type:  idk it  40. Nicknames: beth  bethie  41. Relationship status: Single 42. Zodiac: Sagittarius  43. Pronouns: She/her 44. Fave tv shows: Game of Thrones, braodchurch penny dreadful doctor who and im enjoying the punisher atm also i have an on / off relationship with holby city and casualty and all those hospital dramas tbh 

45. Tattoos: None ...yet... 46. Right or left handed: Right 47. Ever had surgery: yes three on the leg once when i hurt my skull pretty bad  i also broke my arm but  that probably doesnt count cause i dont think i had surgery on it ? i cant quite remember it had three different casts tho  48. Piercings: just standard ears  49. Sport: no thanks lol my bug sis is trying to get into running he like ill make you feel better we can do fun runs together  im like .. nope ... i think find fun run is an oxymoron sis 

50. Vacation: i want to go to Australia or America but will probaly end up just in Devon again  

51. Trainers: standard ones idk 

More general;

52. Eating: pancakes 

53. Drinking: tea  54. I’m about to watch: nothing atm 

55. Waiting for:   right now ? nothing really bed i guess? 56. Want: to go shopping 

57. Get married: id like to  someday 

58. Career: i have even less idea about that  now then i used to idk a writer i could do that maybe 

Which is better;

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs 

60. Lips or eye: Eyes 61. Shorter or taller:  Taller nobody is shorter than me -

62. Older or younger:  than me? hmm maybe older but not too much older or the same age would be better 

63. Nice arms or stomach: arms  64. Hookup or relationship: Relationship 65. Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker

Have you ever;

66. Kissed a stranger: no

67. Drank hard liquor: yes  68. Lost glasses: yes

69. Turned someone down: Yes 70. Sex on first date: No 71. Broken someones heart: i dont think so  im 90 % sure people i turned down did it for jokes i mean  know for sure one was a joke the others probably were too assholes 72. Had your heart broken: Yes 73. Been arrested: No 74. Cried when someone died: Yes 75. Fallen for a friend: yes 

Do you believe in;

76. Yourself: im trying to

77. Miracles: yes 

78. Love at first sight: depends

79. Santa claus:  i used to haha  80. Kiss on a first date: i havent so far but my dates up to now have all been sucky so if i had a really nice one  maybe

81. Angels: yes 

Other;

82. Best friend’s name: V 83. Eye colour: green 84. Fave movie: the aristocats 27 dresses 10 things i hate about you   85. Fave actor: alfie allen iwan rheon david tennant 

tagging @randomlut @gennalannisters @themanwithakeyisking @maddie-grove  @s0mewhereweaknessis0urstrength @anotherrandompersonsblog 

if you want to :) 

[gods-dont-bleed]

Koyol and Svet, The Transient God and the Old God, The Mutant Snake Man and The Man of Heat and Light.

Koyol (nicknamed Kyle) is a mutant amalgam of many things- mostly Snake, but also Human, Earth, Plants, and other animal composites. He came into existence at an unknown point in time with the mind set of perhaps a small animal where as “one day, I was there” and slowly developed more human feelings like curiosity and questioning, to which he eventually left the whole he came into existence in. His agine speed decreases as he got older, and he spent many many years as a child, “civilized” by a human village that caught him and passed around like a plauge between homes as he’d outlive every family since he aged so slow. He eventually becomes an independent adventurer and traveler, and makes many great discoveries, including finding a Gem of Power, a special artifact known as the Universal Emerald (which isnt actually an emerald its Tsavorite) as well as his life long companion, an Animal Spirit in the form of a Snake from an Egg that would never hatch which Koyol found in his original Hole, so named Katrina. with the Emerald, Koyol’s travels massively expanded, and he went from having traveled everywhere in his own land to Traveling an infinite number of other worlds which he studies in grave detail. He picks up new incredible skills from each universe he visits and has even met many other versions of himself, including his Self from Svet’s universe. Over the course of his travels, others  who could travel between worlds or had a knowledge of him refered to him as a nonexistant mystery beings known as The Man They Call Universe, as well did Koyol’s constantly increasing powers and skills make many think he was a god and many universes develop cults in his dedication.He’s recognized as a Snake Prince in his home world, and a god or King or many other titles in others. Svet’s world recognizes Koyol as a Transient God- a god that was once mortal but has such immense power, they can no longer be considered mortal. He has a massive arrayal of skills and abilities from ordinary mundane things he’s learned by studying cultures like Cooking, Instruments, Weaving, Writing, etc, to great powerful abilities that come from other universes, like Flow Alchemy that he learned from a universe he calls Alchemhaven (aka, the universe of Full Metal Alchemist), or Water Controling skills from another universe, Avatara (aka, the Universe of Avatar the last Airbender). As a part of being a mutant, Koyol’s body is productive of a strange and difficultto study ‘energy’ similar to radiation that can be dangerous to others over a prolongued exposure lasting years- for example, his childhood companion and one-time brother Kal, who has become severly deformed, lost two limbs and some fingers to a slowly decomposed body, and is still alive despite having known Koyol when he was a child (his aging process has slowed along side Koyol’s, but at a lesser rate, and physically he appears to be 45). Another mutation of Koyol’s mutant DNA has been a deteriorating Psychosis, more likely from an increase in bad experiences over his very long life. However, Koheu is a second being withing Kyle’s mind and within his soul, essentially a second person completely, that comes from being amutant and has been recognized as Koheu, Ender of Worlds. A chaotic, hateful man inside kyle’s head that is far beyond reason, and knows everything koyol can and do everything he can do. Kyle’s greatest passion is to Learn and to Travel, and over his life he has adopted 4 children, including his only son who has a grandchild. He’s a fiercly protective man who’s Loyalty is is at a dangerously lethal level, and his anatomy and body are all sorts of strange. He’s established his own group called the Rainbow Squad, a massive collection of people with special skills seeking escape from their original lives and to make the multiverse a better place, including training programs for abandoned children who are housed there, and massive workings of members and affiliates. Koyol is incredibly old and his biological downtick has officially stopped, and he no longer ages at the physical age of 24. Svet jokes the Koyol has to be at least half his age (which is a joke, because Svet doesnt have an age and has always existed.), and frequently refers to Koyol’s age as ‘about half as old as forever’. 

Svet on contrast has a very different life story. He’s an ethereal being that was both there before time- therefor, before there was a before- and came into existance when the first light and the first heat could exist. as an Old God he is physically Immortal and unbound to a single body or even having a form at all. His life is a blur of partial omnipotence as he watched the universe form around him, within him. He knows every god, even the Void Gods that never existed, excluding some ‘newer’ Demigods or other sorts that only newly reached divinity. As long as there have been humans, Svet has been fascinated with their lives. At one point a Tyrannical dictator, at another point pretending to be a human himself, and currently just living as a god among people. Svet has almost always been a popular deity among people and has had many temples, shrines, and wars have been fought in his name. While a light hearted man on his most usual, he is a wrathful and dangerously powerful person who makes almost no corporeal sense. He’s a man of a million loves, a million friends. He has a single daughter. and while fiercely protective and Loyal... there are parts of him that would make others think otherwise, and many have eventually figured that out after a lifetime in his companionship. History on Svet is surprisingly sparse and it seems his go-with-the-flow lifestyle has meant much of his life is lesser known to others.

most of my characters tend to share specific ideals or traits strongly because im not sure how to portray other things- per example, many of my characters are Polyromantic or Polysexual, since i personally dont really see the concept of why someone would be conflicted loving two people and blah blah blah. the point is, all my characters are similar in a certain angle.

However, the conundrum of these two to me is always fun, because they to me are so... similar, and yet, there is virtually every possible reason to call them complete opposites, even down to fundamental cores.

Examples.

Koyol has lost many loved ones over the course of his long life; he finds the memories of them all very painful, and lives in constant dread of each person he knows dying, and knows they will. Contrastingly, alough Svet has also lost many over the course of his long life, He is disconnected from this sort of pain then a normal person or most gods are. His attachments are lesser, he mourns very shortly, and rarely worries or thinks twice about the passing of someone he knows,

Koyol lives a very isolated way that would make it seem as though he’s Distant, but in actuality, he gets attached very quickly and very strongly, and sees most people he knows as family. Svet, while living an outgoing and friendly, active life and meeting many people and many relationships, is actually incredibly distant from most if not all people, and cares deeply for incredibly few people in his life to the point it is very surprising.

Koyol and Svet share a strong strain of protective nature and loyalty. However, Koyol is self-sacrificing Loyal to even people who barely consider him an acquaintance. to those he values he would even readily die just at their request if they wanted him to. Svet on contrary is not self-sacrificing, or at least not nearly as much as Koyol. He will go out of his way to help friends, but wont go so far as to give up his own for simple friends or even others closer to him.

Svet is a very forward, touchy person and communicates bast with his hands, and is very physical-contact oriented. Koyol, on contrast, will most likely never touch you if he neednt. In his culture, even light touches were considered very intimate. He is also just naturally a not-touchy person and would prefer to keep a good personal bubble from others.

Svet is incredibly sensitive and is constantly aware of anything touching his body or the stream of fir- be it every fiber of his clothing to every particle of dust that settles on his skin, as a result of his body being a ‘projection’ of sorts. Koyol, contrarily, has two layers of “skin”. the top layer is extra flesh and skin and his sense of touch is extremely dull. Occasionally he sheds this layer (which is a disturbing messy process) by flexing the second layer- a layer of razor sharp, uniquely hard black scales that tear the top layer of green skin off. This layer is incredibly sensitive, though not as much as Svet’s. While his top layer is very, very dull, his hair is quite sensitive. dont pull it. hes tender headed.

Koyol’s curiosity and interest is incredibly studious, and he wants to learn essentially everything. if he doesnt know it, you can talk his ear off and he’ll be intrigued. Svet, however, while paying attention, is doing so more out of courtesy and more so to learn about you then because he actually ever cares about a topic- he rarely does.

all of Koyol’s traits/skills are hard earned, for the most part. he worked and learned them. Svet is more of a savant with natural skills in things he enjoys.

Koyol will rarely use your name. In his culture, using a name specifically to you face is intimate. He only uses names to refer to another person when talking to someone, and otherwise uses nicknames. Also, in his culture, most names start with a K or have many Ks. Svet uses names consistently, and prefers full name use to shortened nicknames (referring to Chelo as Chelovek, or calling Koyol by his name rather than his eaiser pronounced Nickname Kyle.).

Koyol is fluent in almost any language he’s ever heard of, and can communicate with any culture he’s ever met- the biggest exception to this is that he cannot use Sign Language, not for a lack of trying; he can read it easily if someone signs to him, but his hands are not flexible enough for signing and many of his gestures look wrong. to the contrary, Svet only knows Sign language, Morse code and English and has shown to have great difficulty learning new ones should he try, and rather learns more universal languages that arent spoken. He’s currently trying to learn computer Binary and how to read various Ciphers.

While they both strongly enjoy cooking and are very good at it, Koyol cannot taste sweet, hates sour flavors, and loves milk; Svet cannot taste sour even in a human body, loves Sweet flavors, and cant stand milk. They both enjoy cultural dishes. Koyol strongly refuses on drinking if he can but is fairly easy to peer pressure into it, and is a surprisingly loose-lipped drunk; Svet loves partying and quite enjoys a drink but its nearly impossible to peer pressure him into it- or anything- and is a very cut-loose, party-type drunk in any body except his normal firey one, where alcohol makes hime a more angry drunk as it reacts with his core. 

They are different as fuck so i dunno why to me they see so similar.

[pepperminthealing-blog]

Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders. 

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.”  I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it...  Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return. 

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through. 

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations. 

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m  dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through. 

I think thats enough for right now.