#which is why I'll sometimes have sO much TIME ofF and be... never online LOL

[thefreelanceangel]

[moonjxsung]

I feel you on the chaos, though I don't think my chaos compares to your chaos lol

I'm so so happy you weren't laid off; I couldn't imagine having to scramble for another job especially with everything you have going on right now.

I guess that's another thing we can both relate to, being horrible at change and loss. only I'm also horrible at helping others cope with things like that, so I hope I'm able to provide words with as deep a meaning as I intend in my mind 😭 often times I suck at explaining or expressing myself so I need to work on that buttt

I truly cannot imagine losing a figure like that in my life, and I'm only fortunate enough to not have had to deal with that much loss in my lifetime, so trying to imagine what I would do if something like this ever happened with one of my idols doesn't even come close to what you're going through right now. All i really want you to know is you can always send me a message or an ask if you ever want to talk to me about anything ever. I also have a separate private Insta from my personal that I use to chat with online friends, and I would love to talk with you over there if you ever need anything my love 💕 (@mywivesforreal)

It goes without saying, but my heart goes out to Liam's victims as well as the people who loved him and did what they could to help him, and all the people mourning his passing

I literally have zero experience working in a corporate environment so I can't even fathom how stressful it must be all the time especially if you're being strained physically and mentally AND emotionally... I don't think I could even handle all that

Even if you feel like you're struggling, or if you feel like things are just too much, I want you to always remember that you're doing so much more than so many others, and are doing it so incredibly well even under all the pressure and stress. I for one, as well as so many others, am so so proud of you.

I think I feel numb too, but in the sense that there's just so much going on for me that all I can do to physically get myself through each day is take it one thing at a time. That's become my little mantra, which is a thing I never thought I would have lmao (I always thought it was corny or repetitive but look at me now) I think it helps motivate me in the sense that I use it as an incentive. Once I finish one thing, I'll tell myself that if I got through that, surely I can make it through the next thing, and so on. It's basically gaslighting myself every single day, but hey it works for me. And everyone will find that for themselves eventually, it just takes longer for some, and that's completely understandable. everyone copes differently, and what works for some may not work for another. All i can say is keep going, and I will always be here for you along with so many others that cherish and support you, my love 💕

I still consider myself a teenager, and I still sometimes answer my age as 18 or 19 (but I think my brain is aging like a raisin because why did I forget my own name the other day?). I have absolutely zero understanding of adulthood when I try to think about it, and honestly I just have to do what comes naturally 😭 I don't even have a sense of what's mature or immature tbh, so if I sound like a literal child sometimes I won't know until I read it over the next day and cringe. but I can say for sure that you have given me such a sense of maturity and wiseness through your thoughts and art. But you're still so young, and I believe everyone should cherish that because as soon as you strive to get rid of that you can never get it back. Just let yourself be, really, and let you find a rhythm that works for you. I hate doing it, and my anxiety gets so bad with change of any kind as well, but I feel like I've grown so much by just letting that resentment go.

My life has been a bit much for me lately, and my body is definitely not loving it lol 😚 I've started working out again, and I don't think I ever told you bc it totally slipped my mind, but my surgery date got moved to November 13th. it actually got changed twice and I was so pissed when they called me lmao but it seems like this one is set. I have my first post op physical therapy appointment scheduled as well so I'm really going to try and just breeze through recovery. Softball has been a lot, especially with practice starting up again every day for me. I'm sore all the time in different places I didn't even know could get that sore, and I get muscle cramps in places I didn't know you could cramp, and I'm of course always sleepy, but I'm hoping that strengthening the muscles before surgery will make it easier to get back after. it's tricky to balance strengthening with not hurting myself though, especially since I need to work my quads the most, because you lose those first when you're not mobile. unfortunately for me most of the exercises that work your quads involve lots of squatting and lunging and all sorts of things my knees do not like

but I did miss working out, and I forgot how good it feels to be doing something, especially something I love like softball. that along with school (still) kicking my butt has just been a lot to cope with, so I wasn't doing great for a while. I don't remember if I talked to you about this or not, but over the summer my anxiety got so much worse than it's ever been, just from being isolated for so long after going home for vacation. I literally stayed in my room all day every day and I wouldnt even eat till dinner because I got anxiety thinking about having to order food or talk to my family if I came out of my room. Since coming back to school and getting somewhat back into the routine, I think ive gotten better and I hope ive grown from that experience 😓 (aka I hope ive learned that I'm an extrovert at heart and I literally need people around me every day to stay sane and mobile) Although I still do get it pretty bad, like asking my friends to order for me every now and then or starting to sweat and panic during important phone calls. I think I'm doing okay now, though, and I only wish to go up from here 💞

thank you for being here star 💕 I love you forever and I will continue coming back every day to read kinktober and everything else you post and I always will

Genuinely crying at this and it’s like 1 in the morning how do you ALWAYSSSS know exactly what to say ☹️🩷 I love you so bad I am melting into a puddle as we speak. (Also I’m following you on insta ASAPPPPP feel free to dm if you ever need to 💓)

I’m absolutely terrible with loss and change. It’s actually something I spoke to my sister about the night before his passing, offhandedly and for no reason. I think I was just mourning all the coworkers I knew would be leaving us, and I mentioned that I just don’t know how to deal with people exiting my life so permanently. I hold everyone, regardless of how fleeting the interaction is, SO close to my heart that it’s almost painful to process sometimes. I’ve often told my sister I can chat with someone in an elevator for five minutes and still be devastated about us having to part ways, no matter how much time has passed.

It feels almost silly to be grieving to this extent. But 1D meant more to me than anything I can even begin to explain in this plane of existence. I was in the middle of writing a Liam fanfic several years ago when I stopped writing altogether. It’s still among my drafts. I spoke about getting a 1D tattoo for a decade straight, I saw them in concert twice, everyone in high school knew me as the crazy 1D fan. It feels like a part of me has died. I feel so guilty consuming boyband content right now, as strange as it may sound. Like a part of me will always associate the grief with the passion I have for all my favorite people.

I went to the doctor today for blood tests because I suddenly started losing hair this month, and today was one of the worse days I’ve ever experienced of it. I literally got out of the shower holding fists of my hair in both my hands and I immediately emailed my doctor, and she’s under the impression that it’s stress and coping with grief. I feel emotions to such a robust extent it takes a physical toll on my body. Between all of this and a slew of things that have piled on this year, I simply despise consciousness. I want to sleep all the time and I don’t want to feel anything at all, but I’m really trying for the people I love. There are so many people being really patient with me right now and I’m so grateful for that. I know it’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of processing, but I’m trying to make my own strides in the meantime. And I’m getting most of my hair cut very soon because I’m losing all of it anyway 🤕

I’m glad I’m not the only one who still sees myself such in the teen cycle of my life. I have to remind myself I’m not 19 anymore, but I don’t feel like an adult in any sense of the word. My followers see me as much older and wiser than I am (I still love u guys), yet I’m typically the youngest colleague in all my meetings. There is no in between. I think I find solace only in reverting back to the little joys of my childhood, like boy bands and writing fanfiction. But then I’m swiftly pulled out of this state, too, and I remind myself that this is also fleeting and I can’t cushion the fall of adulthood on a kpop blog forever. I think I’ll be trying to find that balance for the remainder of my young adult years. I appreciate the gentle reminder that I’m still young. I certainly don’t feel it, but it helps to hear it 🥹

I completely meant to ask about your surgery in my last response to you, but I didn’t want to air it out in case you didn’t want me to 🫶 I’m sorry to hear it got moved out again ☹️ but I am glad that it seems to be finally set in stone this time around! Maybe this happened for a reason and the universe needed the extra time to prepare you for it. Regardless, I have no doubt that everything is going to go smoothly and you’re going to make it out okay. Will I sound crazy if I admit that I’ve been measuring my October by weeks until your surgery? 😅 my colleagues keep referring to Halloween and I’m like “oct 31st- that’s Gabby’s surgery!!!!” LOL it’s been very heavy on my mind.

I am super glad to hear that you’re finding some joy in softball and exercising moderately! That sounds super fun!! Just remember to take it easy, okay? There’s no rush or pressure to push yourself to your limits, especially with your surgery around the corner. I hope it’s fulfilling you in the meanwhile and providing some sense of mental and physical relief. That sounds super tiring though, gosh I don’t think I could ever be a softball player 😭 all the props to you!!!!

We’re also in the same boat regarding anxiety, but I want you to know that I am SO proud of you for recognizing what’s been helping you and trying to stick to that for some relief. It’s not easy to be able to identify that you’re an extrovert and force yourself to get back out there with people. But even just being able to say that is MONUMENTAL in your personal growth. Seriously, you can only go up from here. And even if you have minor moments of weakness, like your friends having to order for you, they still count toward your progress. You should be so proud of yourself. Together we’re going to kick anxiety’s butt 🙂‍↕️🫶

I love you so dearly. I’ll never be able to put into words what you mean to me. But I hope my long-winded responses are answer enough. I’m counting down to your surgery right alongside you (and thrilled that you’ll still be able to enjoy Halloween!) and I’m sending you all my love always. 💓🫶👼

[cha-melodius]

hi! ⭐️ for love is a losing game pretty please?

HELLO I didn't mean to leave this for an entire day lol, but I've barely had a moment to breathe today and I wanted to be able to sit and think about this one.

Ok, Love is a Losing Game! So as I mention in the fic notes, I decided to write this fic after @eavos posted something in the tmfu discord server about The Queen's Gambit and how it'd make a good setting for a napollya AU. At first I didn't really think that much of it, but then I WATCHED The Queen's Gambit and the idea took hold of me like woah. Before this fic I'd written one long-form AU, and I certainly didn't expect this to become my longest ever fic, nor how MUCH I'd end up putting into it.

I've never done more research for a fic than I did for this fic. I planned it out using actual chess tournaments in the 1960s (whereupon I quickly learned just how fictional The Queen's Gambit was lol), getting into the nitty gritty of how many players and from what countries actually played them. Most of the chess games in the fic are real—I read an absurd number of tournament recaps in old archived issues of Chess Life magazine. I also got some information about grandmasters' lives and careers from various articles in there, as well as other stories online.

Illya's career wasn't really patterned off of any one player, but Napoleon's is roughly based on that of Bobby Fischer (this is one of the big reasons why, every time I think about 'filing off the serial numbers' of this fic, I reject the idea—I fear it would be written off as 'what if Bobby Fischer was gay', even when there's nothing of Fischer's personality in this). And don't get me started on the research/planning I did for the World Chess Championship at the end; I had spreadsheets to figure out the points and how to make it work out like I wanted it to.

Since this was the early days of me planning fics, I didn't have a great sense of chapters, nor did I have a very detailed outline. I'll post it here, in fact (behind a cut for spoilers, just in case).

Before I drop the rest, if anyone who's not a TMFU fan ends up reading this far, here's my tiny plea: If you love my fics, give this one a chance. You don't need to know anything about the fandom, I promise; consider it an original novel lol. But I still think this is among my best works, and it deserves to be read more than it is.

Ok, the outline. This was it—the championship, the date, very brief note about what was happening, and who won the tournament (tournaments in parentheses happened offscreen). I do not now recall what the asterisks mean lmao.

(US National Championship & Zonal, New York 1965 – Napoleon)

Hastings International Chess Congress 1966 (Jan) – Meet for the first time (Illya, Ch)*

Mar del Plata, Argentina 1966 (March) – Begin off-book games (draw, Co)

(World Chess Championship, Moscow 1966 – Illya)

Piatigorsky Cup, Santa Monica 1966 (July) – Affair begins (1–1, Illya Ch)*

Chess Olympiad, Havana 1966 (Oct) – Discovery (Soviets)

Palma de Mallorca, Spain 1966 (Nov) – Napoleon absent (Illya loses)

US Championship, New York 1966 (Dec) – Illya shows up looking for Napoleon*

Monte Carlo Tournament, Monaco 1967 (March) – Napoleon returns (Napoleon, Co)

Canadian Centennial Grand Masters Chess Tournament, Winnipeg 1967 (Oct) – Illya misses (Napoleon)*

Sousse Interzonal, Tunisia 1967 (Nov) – Napoleon wins

(Hoogovens 1968; Monte Carlo 1968; Chess Olympiad, Lugano 1968; Palma 1968)

World Chess Championship, Reykjavík 1969 (June) – Illya v. Napoleon (Napoleon)*

San Juan International Tournament, Puerto Rico 1969 (Oct) – Defection

Some of the early ones really ballooned, like Mar del Plata and the Piatigorsky Cup, because I really needed to give their relationship space to develop. And I'm so glad I did, I love all those moments and conversations they have. Sometimes I feel like I'm rushing through fics more these days, and this one was one I just allowed to grow, which is part of what makes it so delightful.

Anyway if you ever have questions about this fic please feel free to ask, I will never not want to talk about it. I love it so so much. Thank you for asking!!

[darkpoisonouslove]

For fic writer asks: 1, 3, 10, 15, 25, 26, 31, 45, 46, 49 :)

Thanks! :D

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

I'm thinking either Imitation Play or The Power of Peace. Both are pretty similar - have an excessive amount of worldbuilding details, dry humping at inopportune times with the bonus of unconventional magic being involved, internal struggle that is worked out through the kind-of-smut and leads to an altered sense of self, asshole!Valtor and a Griffin who probably enjoys asshole!Valtor a little too much than strictly advisable. I feel like those are all staples of my writing. Both are also conceptually strong if I do say so myself. Imitation Play might be a little more so, though. I had the title before I had even started writing the story and I think it's reflective of every aspect of the story.

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

Angst, hate-love, hate sex, porn with feelings, alternate universes, eye color symbolism, too many goddamn metaphors, moral dilemmas, long-term relationships, repressed feelings, impossible to repress feelings, love making things complicated and probably a whole lot of other things.

10. How do you decide what to write?

Lmaooo, I don't have any control whatsoever over this. It's not so much a decision as much as it is just going with the flow. I just ask myself "Do I feel like writing today?" And if I manage to answer that with a yes or at least a "no, but at least I can try it and maybe I'll put myself in the mood", then I start going through my recently touched projects. If none of those makes my brain go "That's the one!", then I try going through my notes to see what other ideas I have. Sometimes that whole process is unnecessary, though, because I get an idea for a WiP or for a new story and the inspiration from that idea carries me the rest of the way. I have learned not to try to force a WiP that doesn't want to cooperate with me because that just leaves me with negative feelings for the fic in question and makes returning to it that much harder.

15. What’s your favorite AU that you’ve written?

Evil. Evil, evil, evil question. Am I gonna have to go through all of them now?... Nah, it's Sparks of Life. Granted, the reworked version of Sparks of Life that only exists in my head so far but it is Sparks of Life nonetheless. I adore magic and fantasy but do you know what I adore even more? Modern day versions of fantasy characters. Sparks of Life was my first modern day AU for Winx, I believe (I'm too lazy to check) and that's probably why I fell in love with it so thoroughly. Well, that and the fact that the first part of it I wrote already had Griffin and Valtor being married. It doesn't really have a plot. It's just vibes and character interactions but that makes it comforting because as long as I stick to the overarching but very vague theme, I can just add parts to it however and whenever I please.

25. What other websites or resources do you use most often when you write?

Online thesaurus, online dictionaries, my dad's old Bulgarian-English and English-Bulgarian physical dictionaries, Google Translate for when I'm too lazy to pull out the physical dictionaries (but I will if Google Translate fails me (which is a not so rare occurrence), the OneLook Thesaurus and Reverse dictionary for when I remember what a word means but not what the word IS.

26. Would you rather write a fic that had no dialogue or one that was only dialogue?

I've actually written fics with no dialogue but those were short and inspired by songs and it was more of an inner monologue of the PoV characters. I would pick fic with only dialogue. I believe I could pull that off (depending on what you're trying to write, of course, but still).

31. What’s your ideal fic length to write?

Something that can be finished in one sitting, lol. But considering that lately my brain capacity is not what it used to be, finishing stories in one sitting isn't very realistic. I'm not particular about "ideal length". Based on the majority of my fics, my ideal length is 3-5k words. There are stories that require a lot more words if you want to do them justice, though. Long fic certainly has its many challenges but I always have something to add to a story so while I came up short when the actual writing is concerned, most of my ideas run pretty long.

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic?

The flow of the story. I used to rush through parts without even realizing I was doing it. I didn't have a good grasp on how a story is supposed to flow and would make jarring shifts in tone or plot points. I like to think I've gotten much better at avoiding those.

Another thing is character motivations. Looking at my earlier fics, I can see that the characters were doing what they were doing just because I wanted them to regardless of whether it made sense for them to do it from a logistical PoV or from PoV of their characterizations. I really think I'm starting to figure out how to keep their motivations consistent and believable.

46. Do you prefer writing on your phone or on a computer (or something else)? Do you think where you write affects the way you write?

Typing on my laptop is so much more comfortable and faster than typing on my phone but I would write a story draft on my phone in a pinch. The only difference between those is in the number of typos I make. It definitely increases when I'm typing up a story on my phone. Otherwise, I don't think the device influences the quality or layout of the work. Sometimes, though, I feel that I will go insane if I don't write my story on paper. It's just a feeling and I tend to always write my longest fics on my laptop but for short(ish) one-shots, I usually use a notebook for the first draft (the Griffin x Marion fic I'm working on I wrote on paper first but Imitation Play was written directly on my laptop). That decreases the number of typos usually.

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

As I mentioned above, I am currently working on this Griffin x Marion fic. I finished it the other day and the plan was to post it yesterday but pushing myself to write 2000 words in one day left me quite tired and I knew that last stretch I wrote would need a lot of editing so I decided to do what's best for the story. I am more than willing to share a snippet from the more polished parts though!

Figuring out Griffin’s play was the most crucial part of this visit to Cloud Tower. Oritel would have agreed, would have shown the same initiative in tailing the witch that Marion did. He would have been the only one who would have taken her intrigue with this perfect opportunity seriously.

Griffin’s stance on the politics around dark magic and the people who used it was clearly pronounced. It hadn’t taken Marion much effort at all to stir the conversation with her mother’s counselors to reveal the most scandalous information they’d heard about Griffin. All rumor, of course, but stemming from a solid foundation of the witch’s own making.

Her particle manipulation powers and her prowess with magic relating to all manner of heavenly bodies had raised more than concerns as soon as she’d altered the trajectory of the biggest meteor shower in the known universe.

The Dragon Scales rained harmlessly over the Magic Dimension riding the ripples of space currents believed to be the Great Dragon shivering and shedding her skin. Over thousands of years no scholars, scribes and astronomers had succeeded in deciphering the pattern behind the phenomenon.

Griffin had not only predicted it successfully this once, but also influenced its course. To the point where the meteors had blazed through the atmosphere of several planets leaving behind a fiery trail in the sky, small craters and hard rock on the ground, and not a shred of mysticism.

Griffin’s appointment as the newest addition to the Cloud Tower faculty had stirred unrest all over the Magic Dimension, all of its leaders left to ask what would happen if she decided to repeat her magic show but this time take it further. Marion suspected that had been the whole point of it – to make all the monarchs aware of the force they’d be facing if they decided to go against witchkind. The effect had rippled further, of course, other dark magic users who shared Griffin’s views witnessing it as well.

Learning who’d reached out to her would be of great use to Marion in light of her mother’s refusal to consider anyone else’s power but their own, given to them as a birthright. Even in the face of a magical show that would’ve exhausted Marion’s own powers to the point of inducing magic depletion syndrome for the next few days.

Instead of examining the pattern of odd and worrisome magic thefts all over the dimension the Queen of Domino had preferred to focus on Marion’s interest in Griffin and had set out to present it to anyone that noticed it as dutiful yet unfounded concern over state affairs, as overzealous protectiveness. She may as well have called it paranoia to Marion’s own face. In doing so she’d only left Marion one option – pursue it to the very end.

Send me fic asks

[honnojis]

hello Zumi have you ever tried competitive Pokémon on smogon?

Nop, never really was my thing. I used to play on showdown, sure, but it'd usually be random battles or hackmons. Actual competitive play stressed me out a bit too much, and I had a really terrible experience when i tried getting into it a bit more by applying for a spot as a leader for an online league, so I've just never bothered since.

Shoutout to Bibs for being a homie w/ hackmons/random battles tho. that shit was fun and i miss it sometimes

For the drama bit, I'll just put it under the cut bc no one really needs to see a wall of text ab me getting salty about it again but wow i sure still think about it sometimes. this was all skype era shit btw, but it's arguably one of the very few things that literally had me seething, which is why I've never bothered with anything comp related since

Funnily enough, the drama wasn't even related to the actual competitive aspect of the whole league that I was supposed to be a part of -- it was bc someone on the league's board committee was awfully petty and two-faced LOL… All bc they didn't like I was potentially going to overshadow their work.

I actually knew them well before this. They were pretty friendly towards me at first, and they initially approached me because wanted to learn how to do pixel art better, so I taught them! They acted really grateful when I gave them advice, and hell, they even did some sprites for Rejuvenation at the time as it was at a time that I was extremely busy with school.

Now fast forward a bit, and a group of ppl from the same community set up an online Showdown league, with leaders for each type. That person was on the board committee, but some other members of the board committee were going behind their back in order to actually recruit me for the league as a leader. I passed the tryouts, and got into the group.

Kicker is, the reason why they went behind the person's back, is bc apparently That Person(TM) was absolutely adamant about not wanting me on the team!

The reason for that?

They didn't want me there so I couldn't get a chance to do any art for the league, because they were afraid they'd get overshadowed by me.

This sounds like bragging, and god i fucking WISH I was kidding in that regard, but I'm completely serious 💀 Apparently ANOTHER league wanted my assistance for sprites, but because That Person(TM) was already on the team, they started throwing a shitfit about how they absolutely could NOT work together with me without wanting to give a real reason, they just kept insisting that they absolutely couldn't. The chatlogs of these moments were sent to me after a group of ppl who were getting aggression aimed at them from the person.

I kinda pieced things together because they were sucking up to me for art advice until they learned what they needed, then I lost contact with them until I got drafted for the league, after which they just... Wanted to chew me out instead, lol. despite never having done anything to prompt such hatred. all i did was help and be nice. and after seeing the logs it kinda clicked in my head that that's what was going on.

funnily enough this all happened around the time they were sucking up to jan bc they were asked to do some work for rejuv, but that shit fell through real quick once jan got the logs of all the shit they've been saying lmao

A whole bunch of shit happened after that, but basically I left the league, some ppl left bc I left, other members got fed up w/ That Person(TM)'s shit and the whole league crumbled before it ever got the chance to take off LOL.

It's genuinely one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced that someone abused my trust in a person like that, only using me for my skills, and it actually gave me some trust issues for a few years whenever people asked me for art advice!

i had a whole document of bullshit that this person pulled. i still actually have it somewhere, and frankly i probably should just delete it at some point bc it has no use and i haven't seen this person around in a long time bc they basically got chased out of the community for being a shithead. in my defense for that document though, the fact that a person drove me to get so mad that i started collecting receipts on them kinda tells how hurt i got about this whole situation. to say they were an awful person not only just to me but to a lot of my friends as well is an understatement

[greg-montgomery]

a rant about being lonely lol

loneliness is a huge part of my life and i cry bc i feel lonely all the time. i've cried myself to sleep about it but i've also almost sobbed on my way to work bc of it on like a random monday. i just feel lonely almost all the time. and i always wonder why i feel like that when i know i am not alone. i have my parents (no matter what our relationship looks like i know they love me), i have my brother, i have my friends, i have my coworkers, i have my online friends. like...i know i'm not alone.

but it still feels lonely and i think i'm starting to understand why. cause maybe that's just how it is??

bc when i go to work and i'm with my coworkers, we laugh and we talk and i don't feel alone. but on my way to work when i sit alone in the train i do feel alone. when i arrive back home and i have to make myself something to eat, i feel alone.

or when i'm out with my friends i laugh with them and i have fun and we talk and i feel loved and i feel happy. but then when i'm back home and i have to take my makeup off and i get into bed i'm alone.

and sometimes i crave that - like i want to have a night in just by myself with just a book or a nice bath. but at the same time the loneliness just hits?

like sometimes i am laying in bed and i'm like "ahh i did my skincare and now i get to read fanfiction or write or read a book and my sheets are fresh and life can't get better than this" and some other times i cry myself to sleep cause i don't have someone to hold me.

it's like no one is close enough. they're all here but when they're not here..they're not here. that makes no sense i know lmfao but it does in my head.

bc everyone is doing their own thing, and when you’re together you’re together but when you’re not, you’re not on their mind. just like they are not on mine. it’s just how it is.

i want to find someone who when they're not physically here, they're still here with me. or someone who will be here for the moments i'm always alone.

and fictional characters can only do so much. i fucking sob every time i hear greg's voice say "i'm here" bc no one is actually here. like i just want to find someone who will make me feel like i'm not lonely anymore.

my biggest fear is that i'll stay alone forever and that's just how it is. i'm so scared of it, it genuiely makes me freak out when i imagine me old feeling the same way i do rn.

and i know i push people away which doesn’t help at all. and idk why i do that. my mom told me recently “i never see you anymore. you’ve become so distant” and i cried so much that night bc it’s true. or when my brother asks me to hang out and i just turn him down.

i know i need to work on myself and i am trying but i just really wish i had my own person :( people love to talk about self love and i GET it. but like…i am not gonna hold my own self and tell me “hey. it’s gonna be okay.” and no one will do that for me.

[dany36]

sooo i finally finished sonic unleashed. the main story parts, anyway. there's still a bunch of act 2 and act 3 stages i still have to do but from what i've seen, they're way shorter than their act 1 counterparts so it's fine. some junk thoughts below about this game!

now that i finally have a ps3 i'v been catching up on a bunch of games i missed out on when i only had the wii :y when i first started playing this game i was like wow, this isn't really that bad compared to what i had been hearing online about it! sure the werehog portions were kind of tedious sometimes, and the fact that they're twice or three times as long as the daylight sections isn't great, but i mean sonic adventure 2's eggman stages sure were slower and more tedious than the sonic/shadow stages, so i was like eh sure, fine, whatever. some of the later werehog stages were a pain and fighting the same type of enemies over and over was really starting to get on my nerves, but again, is this any different than the slow stages of eggman/tails in sa2? if i was able to A-rank all of their missions, then getting through the werehog stages isn't the worst. some of the platforming sections were actually entertaining but yeah, the fighting? not so much.

the daylight stages are hella fun to play through, although i don't know if it's the ps3 version but they seemed very ummm glitchy at parts, and the frame rate would slow waaaay down in certain portions of stages too. it obviously isn't as smooth as i would have wanted, but that was kind of my experience playing through sonic generations. i'm playing with a fat ps3 so i don't know if the experience is better in the slim version lol, but yeah, i'd love to come back to it eventually and try to S rank the stages since they're so fast-paced and just a blast to do. i don't think i'll ever bother getting all of the medals and 100% completing it since this game is just PACKED with content. on top of getting the medals, S-ranking, and the sidequests you get in the hub world, apparently there's hot dog missions too?? oh and there's DLC on top of that. so yeah, i'm ok with not 100% this like i did with sa2 or colors or generations lol. teenage me would have loved to do it though.

sonic games might not be your cup of tea but the music never disappoints. i had heard the unleashed OST way before ever playing the game and man, it was so good to finally hear the music along with the game. while i was out trying to collect enough medals to unlock the stages i don't know why but hearing the apotos night theme made me get all sentimental and nostalgic lol even though i didn't even grow up with this game at all. idk i guess it's just something about sonic games and their music that always hits home.

i know in my last post i was extremely pissed off at the last stage in unleashed and i said it brought the game down to a 5/10, but maybe i was a bit harsh lol. like i still think that level is atrocious EVEN FOR a last level, which you always know it's going to be a harder-than-usual level. but seriously that level design was just ridiculously long and stupid in every shape or form--the part that pissed me off the most was when you have to walk on these pipes as a werehog and in some parts you have to jump, but when you jump sometimes the fucking camera changes directions so because you're tilting the control stick a certain way, that would cause you to fall off the pipe and die. seriously, i don't think i've ever played a last stage in a sonic game that was as bad as eggmanland, so it's always interesting to see the comments on the youtubes defending the stage and how it's actually a great level. like ok sure lol.

i still say that the game forcing you to collect a ridiculous amount of medals to unlock stages was just not necessary. i thought i was doing a pretty good job at collecting them but i still had to look up guides to unlock the stages from chuu-nan onwards. like, just let me play the stages and get through the story, maybe make the act 2 and act 3 harder to unlock that way but not the main ones!

i actually have the wii version of unleashed that i had bought waaay back when but i never bothered to finish it once i learned that the stages are like watered down versions of the ps3/xbox360 ones, so i'm glad i waited to play it how it was meant to be played. the wii one also doesn't have the hub worlds i don't think, which i mean the hub worlds are actually pretty bad and add nothing to it gameplay wise: they will never be station square or mystic ruins. the way the camera moves around them is actually pretty bad and would make me feel dizzy at times lol. but still, i'm glad they exist because otherwise, we would have never gotten the absolutely gorgeous music that the night stages have (spagonia night theme is absolutely lovely and holoska night is the perfect listen for winter time).

overall, i'm glad i finally got a chance to play unleashed and see how this was the start of the sonic team getting the 3D sonic formula right (minus that terrible drifting mechanism, sorry!). generations is still one of my ultimate faves and frontiers brought back the sonic fever in me, so i'm excited to catch up on the rest of the 3d sonic games i missed out due to me being either a poor college student or poor fresh out of college lol. i'm thinking about buying sonic boom next, it looks very platform-y from the gameplay i've seen of it, so yeah! full on sonic mode and loving it!!

[megan-loves-surveys]

#27.

　Layer 1: The Basics Name: Megan. Age: 36. Birthday: July 13. Gender: Female. Zodiac sign: Cancer.

　Layer 2: Your Family Do you have any brothers or sisters? I'm an only child, but I do have stepsiblings. Do you have any pets? No. Do you still live with your parents? I live with my Mum. Do you have any stepparents? Yes, a stepmum. How many cousins do you have? 6.

　Layer 3: Your Friends Who is your best friend? Ngawari. Who have you been friends with the longest? Laura, since 1996. Damn 28 years! What do you like to do with your friends? Depends which friend - some friends I go to wrestling shows with, some I just hang out with and Ngawari and I go to the gym together. Do you have more friends online or in real life? It's about equal with people online I actually consider friends.

　Layer 4: Your Home Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? House, it has two stories. How many rooms are there in your house? Our entire bottom floor is one big room that has the kitchen and living room in it, and upstairs we have two bedrooms and the bathroom plus a small hallway. Is your home large or small? In between. What is your favorite room in your house, and why? My room. Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? Either is fine.

　Layer 5: Can you… Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? I dunno xD Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? No. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? Never tried, but probably not lol. Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? Definitely not, I have a dodgy shoulder. Can you do any yo-yo tricks? No.

　Layer 6: Who Who inspires you the most, and why? Jon Moxley. He was an alcoholic who admitted he had a problem and asked for help. He went to rehab, got better and came back kicking so much ass. It's so inspirational, I love him so much <3 Who do you go to most often for advice? Depends on the problem. Who knows you better than you know yourself? My boyfriend, Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? They know who they are.

　Layer 7: Do you… Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? Yes, but I always eat the crust first lol. Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I'll always finish it. Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? Yes. Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? Sometimes. Do you make friends easily? Depends.

　Layer 8: How Many? How many people live in your house with you? 1. How many pets have you had in your lifetime? Literally 1 lol. How many meals do you eat a day? Depends, usually 2 cos I don't eat breakfast much.

　Layer 9: How How do you typically get to school or work? Most of the time I get the bus, but sometimes my boyfriend drops me off. How do you deal with a breakup? I do loads of fun stuff and hang out with my friends and distract myself. How do you like to help others? Depends. How do you sleep in bed? I sleep on my back cos of my bad shoulder, it means I can't sleep on my side.

　Layer 10: What What do you think happens when we die? Nothing. What toys did you enjoy most as a child? Barbies, Lego, a doll that was as big as me etc. What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? It really depends on what is happening.

　Layer 11: Where Where is your favorite place to eat out? If I want fast food, then KFC. A restaurant, either Denny's or Porterhouse Grill. Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? Not sure. Where did you meet your current or last significant other? We met outside his house while I was jogging lol. Where can you be found at 7 PM., typically? That's when I eat dinner usually! Where can you find the best French fries? KFC, that salt they use is soooo good.

　Layer 12: When When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? I have no clue actually. When do you typically fall asleep? I go to bed around 12:30 - 1am usually. When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? My boyfriend is always complimenting me haha. When do you feel most comfortable? Depends.

　Layer 13: Why Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? I like answering questions lol. Why aren’t you doing something else right now? Cos it's Saturday night and I'm bored. My boyfriend isn't around tonight, he's gone to see his son so I have nothing to do xD

　Layer 14: If… If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? I'd travel. A lot. And pay off my student loan xD If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? Probably not, but it depends. If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yes. Cos I think if they can't track the person down, you get the money, no? If you could have any food right now, what would you like? I don't want anything atm cos I just ate some Cheetos haha. If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? I hate this question.

　Layer 15: Firsts When did you lose your first tooth? No idea. Who was your first teacher that you ever had? I don't remember her name. When did you first learn how to ride a bike? I never got off training wheels. FAIL lol. When was the first time you had sex? I was 14. Did your first birthday have a theme to it? No idea, the first birthday I remember was my 5th, I had a clown at it xD

　Layer 16: Lasts Last person you texted: My boyfriend, I was asking him what he had for dinner with his son. Last drink you sipped: Water. Last time you rode a bike: A proper bike, when I was a kid. But I rode an exercise bike at the gym today xD Last time you swam in a pool: Ages ago. Last person you hugged: My Dad.

　Layer 17: Favorites Favorite color: Purple. Favorite season: Summer. Favorite shape: Heart. Favorite letter: M. Favorite number: 13.

　Layer 18: This or That Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Movies or television? TV. Phone or tablet? Phone, cos I don't use my iPad anymore. Fruits or vegetables? Both. Animals or humans? Both.

　Layer 19: Which Which Pokemon is your favorite? LUXRAY. He is my bae <3 Which day of the week is your favorite? Friday. Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? My 21st for a good one, and my 30th for a bad one. Which holiday is your favorite? Christmas. Which shoe do you put on first? Left.

　Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships1 What is the name of your first love? Will. How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? 1. Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? No. Have you ever been engaged or married before? No. Do you have any children? No.

　Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? Flight attendant or popstar xD What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? I always wished I went into law. What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? Losing weight. What is a goal you are still striving to reach? Publish a book. Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? I participated in a English competition as a kid and I scored in the top 1% of every student in NZ and Australia.

　Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice. Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? No. Democrat, Republican, or Independent? No idea, I'm not American. For or against the death penalty? I really don't know. Thoughts on assisted suicide? I voted for it to become legal when they did the referendum.

　Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present What day is it? April 13, it's Saturday. What’s the weather like outside? Today it was very changeable - it was sunny, it was windy, it was rainy, it was cool, it was warm. Right now it seems like the wind has died down a bit. What have you eaten? I had a Starbucks frappe, a banana and then dinner which was potato salad, ham, bread, boiled eggs, pineapple and cheese. Then later on I had some Cheetos and some Maltesers. Did you run any errands? No. What time is it? 10:53pm.

　Layer 24: Yesterday Did you have a work shift? Yes, I worked from 9am to 3pm. Did you eat out anywhere? Yes, I met my Mum for lunch cos my boss told me to take a longer lunch (love him!) - we went to a café and I had poached eggs, hashbrowns and toast. Was it snowing? It doesn't snow where I live, plus even if it did it's too warm atm. Who did you last say goodnight to? My boyfriend, via text. Did anything unusual happen? I was at work, cos I don't usually work on Fridays, I switched shifts this week.

　Layer 25: Tomorrow Do you have to go to school/class? No, it's Sunday and I don't work weekends. Does this day have any sort of significance to you? No. What is a chore that needs to get done? Nothing. Will you hang out with friends? No. What time will you be expected to be awake by? No set time, I'll prob wake up at like 10 or so.

　Layer 26: Have You Ever Performed a magic trick successfully? No. Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? No. Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Not that I know of xD Touched a snake? There isn't snakes in NZ. Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? By a cat for sure.

　Layer 27: School Life Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? I actually don't know lol. Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? Yes, this girl I went to school with, her sisters were homeschooled but she wasn't for some reason. How odd. Did you attend public or private school? Public. Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? In between. What is the highest level of education that you completed? University.

　Layer 28: Your Appearance Eye color: Green. Hair color: Naturally blonde, but currently purple & blue. Height: 5'3". Weight: Not saying, lol. Do you have freckles, moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have freckles, and moles all over the place, especially on my arms.

　Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media How much time do you spend on the Internet per day? Too many hours. Which social media platforms do you belong to? Facebook and I have X/Twitter but I barely use it. When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? No idea. Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? I mostly watch on my laptop, but I do watch WWE PPVs on my TV. Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? Actual books.

　Layer 30: Are You Are you still in school? No. Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? Yep, I'm bisexual. Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? Sure. Are you dreading anything coming soon? No. Are you gullible or naive? Not really.

　Layer 31: Does Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? Not at all. I work 3 days a week, and if I do need to take one of them off or switch days, my boss is very flexible. Does anyone out there hate you? I hope not. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not at all. Does crying make you feel less strong? Hell no.

　Layer 32: Would You Do the Polar Bear Plunge? Dunno. Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? Why would I even need to do that xD Swim with sharks? No. Go into outer space, given the chance? I don't think so. Go out in public, looking how you do right now? Sure, yes. I literally went to the gym in this exact outfit earlier xD I'd just need to put shoes on lol.

　Layer 33: Pets/Animals Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names… I don't have any. If not, what type of pet have you always wanted? I just want a cat. What is your favorite animal? Cat <3 Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? Yes. How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? -

　Layer 34: Food What is your favorite breakfast item? Croissants. What is your favorite kind of dessert? Ice cream or chocolate. Do you eat all three meals everyday? No, I usually skip breakfast, and I skip lunch on weekends. What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? Probably like a day and a half or so.

　Layer 35: Past Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? Yes. What is one of your favorite memories of the past? Traveling to the USA for Wrestlemanias. What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? Go clubbing a lot lol. Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? Hmm...

　Layer 36: Future Do you think you will ever get married one day? No. Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I like my job for now, but who knows what the future brings. What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? It depends on what the retirement age is by the time I get there, I mean I'm like 35 years away from that lol. What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? Attending a Royal Rumble, sit front row at a PPV, go to an AEW and NJPW show, visit Japan, visit Rottnest Island and meet a Quokka etc. If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? I dunno.

　Layer 37: Hygiene How often do you shower? Not everyday, I admit that, sometimes I'm too lazy. How often do you brush your teeth? Twice a day. Do you actually iron any of your clothes? No. I don't think we even own an iron anymore xD How often do you do laundry? Once a week. How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? Once.

　Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? It depends. How would you describe your sense of style? I dunno what you'd call it but I mostly wear wrestling t-shirts, yoga pants, short shorts, playsuits, short skirts and Converse. Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? Those shapeless dresses that have been popular recently, they look like sacks. Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Kmart, Warehouse, H&M etc. What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? I wear a FitBit and jewellery, mainly rings and bracelets.

　Layer 39: Hobbies Do you still color, even as an adult? Not really. Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? No. What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? No idea. Do you use Pinterest at all? No. What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? I suck at cooking.

　Layer 40: Dislikes List some of your pet peeves here. People being a hypocrite, people who walk slow and block paths, people who hog machines at the gym, when I miss the bus by mere seconds, when people at work bug me constantly about their cases, when the weather changes constantly etc. What are some things that annoy you about yourself? I can be lazy and procrastinate too much, I get obsessive about bad things, I get anxious far too easily etc. Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? The woman who hit and run me, I hate her with all my heart and soul. She almost killed me and ruined my life, fucking up my shoulder. What is a feeling that you dislike? Anxiety. Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? I don't drive.

　Layer 41: Random Have you ever successfully pogoed on a pogo stick? I don't think I've ever used one lol. Have you ever mastered the jump rope? I wouldn't say mastered, but I was alright at it. Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? Sure. What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? Ones with actual questions, I don't like bolding ones that much. I'll do them, but they're not my fave.

　Layer 42: Music What are some of your favorite genres of music? Pop, J-pop, K-pop, rock, classical, new age etc. What are some music genres that you can’t stand? Country and screamo. If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Ayumi Hamasaki!! Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? No. iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? I use iTunes and Spotify - iTunes is for all my obscure pop music and Pokémon soundtracks, and Spotify is for everything else.

　Layer 43: Books What were some of your favorite books as a child? Anything tbh, I read so much. What genre of books do you typically read most often? Fantasy. What are some of your favorite books as an adult? Weather Warden series! What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? None, they all sucked. Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? Sometimes.

　Layer 43: Around the World Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? There's so many choices, but I'd go with New York City or New Orleans, both amazing places. Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? Japan. My BFF is there right now, I'm SO jealous of her lol. Where do your family members originate from? Scotland, England, Ireland and NZ. What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? I really like Indian food. What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Dunno xD

　Layer 44: Would you rather… Drink apple juice or grape juice? Neither tbh. I like grapes but not as juice, and apple juice is meh. Wear pants or shorts? Depends on the weather, but I prefer shorts more. Be taller or shorter? Shorter if I had to pick. Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Aquariums are fun. Visit an art gallery or a museum? Museum! I don't really like art.

　Layer 45: Movies Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? No. What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? Simpsons Movie, Cagefighter, 12 Rounds 3, The Wrestler etc. What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Action or comedy. What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? Dunno.

　Layer 46: Personality Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? In between. Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? I'm mostly laid back, but I have my anxious uptight moments. Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? Yes. Describe your sense of humor. I find the weirdest shit funny. Do you tend to over-share? Probably xD

　Layer 47: Celebrities Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? Most of them. Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? Only wrestlers. The rest I don't care about. Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? Jon Moxley <3 Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? Yep! John Cena is the most famous person I've met - he is legit the loveliest person! I've also met loads of other wrestlers, Melanie Martinez, Atomic Kitten and Five <3 Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? Taylor Swift (I like her music but I'm sick of her), Meghan Markle, the Kardashians, The Rock (he's been in WWE a lot lately lol) and prob more.

　Layer 48: Emotions When was the last time you cried? The other day. What are some things that you’re afraid of? Spiders, clowns, ladders, losing my loved ones etc. What is something small that makes you happy? Shuffling my playlist and it gives me like 10 amazing songs in a row. Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? Some idiot at work. Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? In between.

　Layer 49: Digging Deeper What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Jim Beam or Malibu. How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 16. Oops. LOL. Do you smoke? No. Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? Yes. Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? I've not even done weed, lol.

　Layer 50: Games What are some of your favorite video games? Pokémon, The Sims, Civilization, Starcraft, Ace Attorney, Cyberpunk 2077, LA Noire, Broken Sword etc. Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? ^^^^ What was your favorite board game, growing up? Monopoly, my BFF and I played it every single she came over to my house xD How about your favorite card game? Last Card or Asshole xD How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) Depends.

[megbonney]

(rare Paranoia-Told-Me-So-Post)

if you're hypothetically stalking this because i hypothetically cut you off with no hypothetical 'reason', i hypothetically suggest you hypothetically move on 😊  i may not have been the greatest friend to you but you definitely weren't either (though your idea of a good friend is just someone who fuels your delusions). my desperation for a tiddlywink, a dash even, of respect, was admittedly pathetic. that's why i bought you so much shit - while money can buy happiness, it can't buy friendship. i would apologise for not communicating enough but it's kinda hard when it's constantly my fault. when you're made to not feel safe about something, you don't do it anymore. i would apologise for not hanging out with you enough but i was constantly too much for you: we only hung out when you had no one else. whether you disagree with me or not isn't something i give a fuck about but if you taught me one thing it's "you can't argue with feelings." so this is how i feel you treated me. i'm glad i was starting to change, not be something you liked anymore. i realise the last thing i wanted was to be anything remotely close to you. you are everything but a role model. if you were doing anything it was making me a piece of shit, giving me shitty behaviours and habits that i now have to undo. technically you did raise me, but not well. if i have to untrain my brain that getting groomed is not my fault, that should say a lot. (what kind of friend says that? a light apparently.) i should've listened when all the friends we went through said the same thing about you. i kinda wish i was smarter with you. if i had known you would've asked my best friend to stalk my instagram, told my mother about very Intimate things which was a very low blow for you, messaged my brother aswell, also someone i literally..cut off....who then told my best friend...who told me.........i woulda known what kinda person you are. but i know now! i just find your attempt to make me look slutty to the woman who birthed me kinda bold. very bold actually. lol tldr: i hate dragging shit but i'm doing this for my own closure and also because my brain tries to convince me of something and sometimes (like now) i do things. thanks for the good times, although barely any around the time i left you. i hope you don't project being a rebound onto your other friends. i'd feel bad for them. you always told me to cut off people who treat me like shit and i did, so. if i wanted to tell you to relapse i would've myself, so, wasn't me. i could've though, considering how little my wellbeing actually meant to you. you only wanted to talk to me when it conveniences you, you are the person who never asks 'how are you'. you are half the shit i've written about on here, though i never said it to your face before. this is a shitty tldr O_O we both suck in our own fruity ways but you definitely suck a lot. if you're still being a mooch/leech/emotional leech/every kind of it in 2024 i'll feel bad for the people who keep you around. if you'd like to know, i am communicating swimmingly :-) it's way easier when my friends make me feel safe! :D but srsly if you're still dragging this please get a job or do something with your chronically online life instead of smacktalking a minor, although that is what you do to everyone you know. so..so much for light. i could sit here and call you a fucking foul bitch with no future but that'd be plain rude. you can say what you want about crow and i being on good terms again but when i had to spend a year listening to a fuckin parrot in my ear i'd understandably not be the biggest fan of him. same as him not being the biggest fan of you for leaking a minors sex life to their parents. and a bunch of other shit. yeah.

[its-me-im-coraline]

Peculiar and Beautiful // Victoria De Angelis

words // 1333

warnings // angsty but also fluffy

pairing // Victoria De Angelis x GN!Reader

author's note // if you want to be on the tag list let me know besties, don't forget the 'sleepover' on sunday (yes i'll be saying it on every fucking post lol) and yeah, that. also, a little complaining moment from me, im currently in sooooo much pain, my tooth hurts, i got neuralgia on a tooth and ljajakjfa so if this seems high to you it means im on meds for that lol unlucky few days anywaaaays enjoy to revive yourselves from the teasers of iwbys video

request // yes, here

summary // Reader finds themself in a emotional rut. A few comments online, the constant youtube recommendations on how to be “perfect” have been making them feel some type of way, hiding away from the one person that can help them; Victoria

It was a consistent thing and that was the issue. The comments about what Victoria did and did not deserve, who she should be with, the constant shipping with Damiano… And then there were the absolutely random videos on youtube, indirectly telling them what and who they should become, at least according to all those people online. It took less than expected to cave into the vicious lies surrounding their daily life. Although they tried to take control over the situation the absence of Victoria did nothing to improve the rut they were in at the moment.

Her presence tends to be a reassuring thing to her lover. Words need not be spoken, all problems can be hidden, but the moment they look each other in the eye everything is resolved. Understandably, Victoria missing from the equation in the moment made matters far worse than Y/N could imagine.

The self depreciation came in waves. At first it was that they looked “off” next to Victoria, as if for some reason they didn’t please the eye aesthetically when together. It was a comment that was shared around a lot. They did not believe it at first until their brain led them into looking through all the couple’s photos… Maybe they are right, they would mumble before closing the phone and continuing their work.

After that stage came the personal attack. Why don’t I look good next to her? Must be my looks. Agh, if I didn’t look like that… Whenever they passed through a mirror or reflective surface they’d stare at themselves to see how they looked, whether they looked bad or decent. Never gave enough credit to themselves, sometimes not even believing Victoria when mentioning the beauty she was lucky enough to hold in her arms. Always something about being independent and not needing anyone to make them feel valuable due to their looks. Simple and plain stubbornness.

Victoria took not too long to notice how something was off with her lover. At first, she gave not too much attention to it, knowing how both missed each other and knowing how tired they were from work. But, as days passed by she could simply not ignore the situation anymore. She first saw something was off when talking to Y/N on the phone, seeing how they did not exactly respond to her jokes and comments as they usually would. Again, she wrote it off as tiredness, missing her, just as she missed them but it was far more than that. After a while they started cancelling some of their facetime call time, saying different things about having bad days at work and, although, she believed them does not mean she was not worried out of her mind. The more that kept happening the more Victoria kept stressing. Not few were the times she’d end up falling onto Damiano’s bed and almost crying with worry.

“Why don’t you tell them to take some time off? Reckon they said their boss owes them some time off work.” And he was right. The answer to the pair’s misery was there all along and she simply had not seen it.

Victoria wasted no time, rushing to get to her phone and arrange everything. Surprisingly enough, dealing with Y/N’s boss turned out to be the easier part of the whole ordeal. The real struggle coming to persuading them about it.

“Oh come one, cucciolo, I know you want to see me-”

“I do want to Victoria, but I can not. I have work.” Lies, lies, lies. They knew they were lying, work wasn’t their trouble in the moment.

“Dealt with! You have a few days of work. Your boss was surprisingly real nice about it.” They could practically hear the smile the beautiful woman wore on her face but they could not keep their response at bay.

“What?! What did you do?!”

“You sound unhappy…”

“I am not, but Victoria why did you do this before talking to me?”

“Because…” she sighed.

“You are tired, I miss you and you are stubborn. Plus, I wanted to surprise you. I thought it’s be a good surprise... Am I wrong?”

“No, no! It’s great. When is the ticket for?” Everyone knows Y/N can never say no to Victoria, even the girl knows of her partner’s weakness, targeting it with her adorableness at times in order to get them to do something like buy her fries or in this case take a break. But Y/N was not worried about Victoria’s influence on them, or rather not that influence. They were out of this world worried about how little time it was going to take Vic to see their insecurities, maybe she’d even agree with them, they thought.

The first night of being by Vic was pretty normal, just as it was back at home, full of cuddles and kisses and all the children shows and movies playing in the background while the bassist recited all her adventures to her lover.

“And Thomas just felt face first onto the pavement! Can you believe it?!” Y/N laughed lightly, eyes fluttering in an attempt to focus on the woman in front of them and head lazily hang on the pillow by the headboard.

“Are you feeling alright, amore?” She asked, voice soft as she caressed the other person’s cheek.

“Yes, love, just a bit tired.”

“It’s alright, let’s sleep. You had a tiring flight, I get it.” Y/N simply mumbled a thank you, kissing the blonde’s forehead before pulling her close in order to sleep.

Unfortunately, the momentary bliss did not last long. After being seen together people started talking and Y/N returned to the previous thought pattern, this time getting deeper into their insecurities. They felt like they were not enough for Victoria so, while trying to not be suspicious they started distancing themselves from her. They would avoid kisses, get away way to soon for both their liking, sleep early, sleep-in… No matter what they stayed away from too much interaction with Victoria, and she was getting sick of it.

Finding them walking down the hallway from the stairs to their hotel room, Victoria rushed to her partner, making sure to get in the room with them quickly, before they had the chance to hide away - again.

“You are ignoring me,” she simply stated, voice stern but never elevated.

“O-of course not, what are you on about?!” Voice was trembling and eyes were looking everywhere but the exasperated blonde.

“Yes -agh- yes you are! You were all over me when you came here, which I’m not complaining about, and then the next day you all but slept in the tab to avoid me! What is going on, Y/N?” The use of their name might have stung just a little bit, enough to make them talk. They always got worried when Victoria went all first name basis rather than cute pet names.

“I-” they hesitated for a second but the strict look on the woman’s face made them continue.

“People talk, Victoria.”

“About what? What does-”

“About us and you and me… It’s always how I am not a good fit and other things like that and maybe they are right.”

“You don’t seriously believe that, do you?”

“Of course I believe that! Look at you, Vic, you are perfect and me? Well, I am me.”

“And that’s exactly why we are together. Because you are you! Y/N, you being who you are is why I fell for you. Your little quirks, those strong characteristics you get insecure about are literally what make you who you are, that individualize you.”

“Really?” They asked with hesitation, fearing the chance of her lying.

“Of course, cucciolo. I love those things that make you different. Reminds me that there is no other one like you and it simply makes me longing for you more,” she praised while leaving kisses all over their neck.

“I simply love you.”

tag list: @bieberhoodforever @tabi-toast @ginny-lily @moriro-da-regina

[thelonesomequeen]

Can this anon tell us on details how they managed to stay away? I want a way out but I cant// Me again! (I'm clearly failing at staying away from Tumblr lol but I knew people would respond to my original post so here I am) Gonna tell you how I did it. I did this in January -

I'm lucky enough to have multiple devices (phone, laptop, iPad). I deleted all social media apps from my phone and only allow myself to use them on my iPad. That changed my time spent online significantly. Especially because I don't take my iPad when I go out anywhere so I wasn't finding myself scrolling mindlessly on my phone when I was out. It helped me become more present in my life. At first it was super weird, I kept automatically unlocking my phone and scrolling to where the apps used to be. I also felt a little bit out of touch with reality for a while, I didn't feel like I knew what was going on in the world. I still have twitter on my phone because I use that for my regular news and I never spent too much time on that one anyway

I blocked websites I was using as well (LSA, Discord, Reddit, Tumblr, CDAN etc) changed my settings on my phone and iPad to "limit adult websites" (under Screen Time > Content & Privacy Restrictions > Content Restrictions > Web Content on the iPhone) and you can add "never allow" so any time I found myself habitually typing in those websites, it would come up as blocked. You can always unblock them but it at least gave me a pause to be like "wait, is this how I want to spend my time?"

Time limits on my iPad. I can't remember how I did it but you can add time limits for things. I'm not sure if it is with the apps or just websites but the websites I put a time limit on per day and when it expired, it expired (you can extend also)

I blocked anyone on IG or Twitter that wasn't serving my goal of cleansing. The trio, Lexniko, Tinx (cause I found her content was all over my page and I find what she pushes toxic). Any time I would see a post on my for you page that would be pushing Selena and Chris, I'd block them etc. I just didn't need that energy on my IG. I started following more body positive accounts and those good news account, cute animal accounts etc and steered away from celebrity stuff. I even blocked OK Magazine after they posted some fake news article cause I was like "why do I need to see this rubbish, there's enough fake news in this world." Now my for you page is baby goats mostly and it's wonderful lol.

I went extreme. And because I cut off so much, I noticed just how much of my day was being consumed by all of this. I sometimes find myself slipping back into the mindless scrolling if I've been stressed or there was nothing else to do but on the whole, the scrolling lasts for 15 mins instead of hours. And I do it and then I'm done for the day.

It's also helped me pull myself out of it and see just how ridiculous a lot of this stuff is. I'll come on and see someone post about a like or a follow and it doesn't affect me. I just have realized just how unimportant social media is in the grand scheme of things and I just roll my eyes like "come on, this isn't even logical". Which 6 months ago, I was one of the people who was like oh but it does mean something. So it helped me get back to reality a little bit.

I'm not saying you have to stop but I will say, it has really really changed my life for the BETTER. I am so much more present. I didn't realize just how much I was NOT living because I was so sucked into this stuff. And I started it because during the pandemic, I was stuck inside, like we all were, and I just needed something to do and then it spiraled. And now, I get to enjoy the content from Chris for what it is - a cute dodger pic or a cool trailer, fun interviews upcoming for the press tour and it has made consuming his content back to how it should be, you know?

I hope this helps someone! It was difficult, it really was, but I'm so glad I powered through that "withdrawal" stage. And the fact that it was so difficult to stop in the beginning made me see how toxic it was.

Thanks for coming back to share! 🦎

[namtanlovesfilm]

a quick thought regarding gun and tay having more followers than off- i don't want to believe it could be as shallow as this, but do you think it could have at least something to do with - like, when theory of love came out (which ive not yet seen though im excited to) ive heard that many people empathized w gun's character more than off's. and with tay, there's a vibe (in a lot of online spaces i try to mostly avoid lol) that people take his 'side' so to speak re. some past drama with new. of course i dont think any of that really matters; but if it *is* for shallow reasons more people follow the other 2, i hope off knows he's beloved and sometimes a fanbase is quality over quantity 😭 some people take notice when there's drama or 'sides' involved but people like that will drop like flies for the most shallow of reasons but the ones who stick around appreciate off / gun /etc for who they are. like you though, i just want off to feel appreciated...

also not to drag this out since youve spoken on it but re. that anon shading off's looks- i frequently have to pause just to gape at how gorgeous & wonderful he is. that photoset (i think it was u who posted) of him dressed as a girl too had me 😍😍 some people just havent got the stuff to appreciate him sufficiently apparently but the rest of us can love + value him 10x over 😌 (p.s. your blog is wonderful & ur so lovely for answering all these asks as you do! <3 )

yeah honestly you might have a point, I do think the disparity of followers that started around theory of love might've been bc a lot of people hated khai (and those people were wrong but that's not the point LMAO.) as for people siding with tay in the taynew situation, they were kinda right though bc new blamed tay for their toxic fans when he wasn't the sole responsible for that lol. I do still feel like it boils down to mostly personality, and the more cheery & outgoing someone is, the more they get loved easily. though I also don't get it at the same time bc off is pretty goddamn fun & cheery but anyways, guess I'll never really get why he's left in the dust like that lmao. and gosh, off REALLY is gorgeous, he takes my breath away every goddamn time! even as a girl he looks better than most of us uhvfgduiuschi :'))) (ps: thank you so much it means a lot!!! ♡♡♡)

xxx

[gureishi]

so... today I finished off Rays route with the GOOD ENDING (thank god) and my sleep schedule is officially non existent! :D

lemme start off with Day 8, because that must've been the creepiest the game has ever gotten for me. I MEAN LOOK AT THIS:

EVERYONE IS LITERALLY GONE, SOMEONE PLS SEND HELP! T_T

I never knew there was a part of Saerans route in which he quite literally cuts off your contact with the RFA????? wish someone warned me, but the surprise was quite welcome too I suppose?? the glitches and the distorted music definitely amplified that scary and hopeless feel I got after being cut off from the rest of the members (especially bby Saeyoung, god I love that boy). OH AND THE WAY THE CHATROOMS WOULD GLITCH BEFORE LOADING?? THAT CREEPED ME TF OUT THANKS!! Although I was in a way also happy that I was able to talk to Saeran more! (it is his route after all).

The chats with Rika always left me feeling frustrated. I could see where she came from and understood her motivations for the way she acted and behaved, but it hurt to see the way in which she believed she was loving and caring for Saeran, and how Saeran internalized everything she told him, idk that just left me feeling a new typa broken.

It was very tempting to lash out and get angry or even just to submit to Saeran and his horrible tormenting, but I held on to get that sweet delectable good ending! (gotta get that cute kiss CG after all)

Also I was worried about Saeyoung and his safety ALL THE TIME, I knew there was a part in the game in which he'd be kidnapped but when it finally happened I honestly wanted to stop playing lmao, also Saejoong Choi can take a piss somewhere, I hate him and I wish they revealed more of his crimes in Saeran's route :(

Saeran's route also honestly made me love Jumin so much more, his so endearing, honest and caring. Love that we get to see more of his relationship with V here, you can actually see that they're best friends and that makes my heart smile.

and AWW THE END WHERE WE SEE V WITH RIKA? That really played with my emotions, and has got me considering jumping straight into his route, because I for one know his life doesn't get any better in Saeran's AE unfortunately. (and of course I won't jump straight in again, since everyone around me has been saying getting two hours of sleep every night just to play an otome game is not healthy at all)

I love the calls we get with Saeran after he finally comes to and realizes his worth, the drugs finally out his system. His so adorable and soft and even goofy at times that it makes me question whether I actually see Saeyoung as my fav (though I'll have to think alot more about that T_T, I swear tomato boy I definitely still luv u lmao)

Also love that Saeran has the most kiss CGs out of all the routes, like yes we love to see it ^^

Oh and the guests for Another Story are just such a treat from Cheritz. I mean we literally invite a dragon?? (a shame Saeyoung couldn't see his dragon buddy) and a coding language??? cmon you can't tell me that's not cool.

even though you gave me the sleep friendly guide, I still ended up getting 100% for nearly everyday (except for 2 of them which was 90%) and I must say I'm quite drained and tired but also happy that I was FINALLY able to experience Another Story, something I only really read about online before without knowing too much detail of what specifically happened. It has quite honestly given me a bigger appreciation of the game as a whole :)

I would love to play Saeran's AE but am so scared of getting a bad end, and also there's like no guides for it anywhere? so there's that to worry about too i guess.

I did decide I'd perhaps take a break from playing this game for a while since unfortunately life continues and its back to work for me, but perhaps sometime soon I'll see myself playing through the alluring and mysterious photographers route instead? ;)

also this route got me thinking alot more why Cheritz didn't give the MC eyes?? Like what purpose does the MC not having eyes provide?? idk Cheritz just give her eyes please, I think that way there'd be alot less questions floating around my bloated and overfilled mind, thanks.

Also thanks for coming along with me and listening about my journey of playing through this Another Story, I really appreciated it! :))) <3

I have been so eagerly waiting for this update!!!! Congrats on getting that good end! I'm really impressed with your dedication—and also, like, please get some sleep 😭❤️

He really is such a sweetheart, isn't he? I totally relate to that feeling of like I LOVE YOU wait I wanna MARRY YOUR BROTHER wait I love you uhhhhhh help, both of you come here and give me a hug.

I am so excited to hear how you feel when you play V's route and, eventually, the AE! And I'll recommend another of Seeme's guides, hehe. I used it last time I replayed the AE and it was great. Here! There's a sleep schedule-friendly one too (though you are clearly a completionist when you play these routes and I feel that—I'm the same way).

Those kiss CGs! Are! Amazing. He honestly needs a lot of kisses.

As far as the eyes thing goes, it sure is weird, huh? Apparently it used to be pretty popular for otome game MCs not to have eyes so it's easier for players to self-insert. Lots of newer games seem to have MCs with more specific appearances (and personalities), though.

I do like to self-insert when I'm playing otome games but also...I look nothing like this MC anyway, so her being eyeless does nothing for me, lol.

Would you prefer an MC with eyes even if she's more clearly not you? I think I would.

Also this route ending man it kills me literally just thinking about it. But just! Remember! That our boy is fine in the end. He's okay!!! He's safe and he's happy and he's got a boat ❤️

Thank you for sharing this Saeran route journey with me, my dear. I enjoyed every second of it!

[erin-epica]

Woop-de-doo, it's Lord Scarlet stuff part 2

This was a post I planned on making WAY sooner, but I accidentally lost the original draft so I didn't even bother to try doing it gain until recently. And just now something happened that changed everything; and I mean what both DID and DIDN'T automatically give me the right to post this. I almost deleted my first post at that, and here's why:

In the first post, I mentioned that when I initially found out Vic was lying to me, I was quiet about it and just stopped talking to her out of fear, and then when I asked for help on what to do I was told to leave without a word. I don't think that was entirely the right thing to do in the long run, because it may have been the easiest way out but I'm better off with proper closure.

And the thoughts she left me scarred with never left my head. Time and time again, I'd find myself crying myself to sleep again at the thought of Brock forced to hide romantic feelings for Master Frown and not know who he was anymore while Frown was left unaware and in love with someone else, even if it wasn't Lord Scarlet.

And the pain sometimes came with a want to confront Vic one last time and open up to her about how I wasn't blind anymore, and how much she really hurt me. But I, again, wass scared she wouldn't care and would cut me off.

So when the pain got worse, I did what any coward would do: tell everyone else about my pain.

Now I DID tell friends of mine other than the Unikitty Amino staff about what happened, and they were all sympathetic and understanding about it. But then I told almost everyone, and then made my vent post on here (as well as Wattpad). As much as I wouldn't want to call them call out posts, they might as well have been. I didn't want people to harass Vic and make her mad...but at the same time I kinda did. I was too scared to face her that I was hoping that someone would do it for me. I even tagged accounts of Vic's. Not cool of me at all.

Now the Tumblr and Wattpad posts got me pretty much more of the same: sympathy, and acceptance that I had moved on. No one came after Vic but we could still agree that none of her actions were justified (I even got @careeningle's attention...sorry about the aneurysm)

Now comes the next important thing that happened, because I mentioned @friffinx kinda being responsible for me getting back to the Lord Scarlet Amino to write the message that I did. In it, I said that after I sent the message I did I would leave the Amino again & for good.

Well...I lied. I still checked in every day for the same reason I started venting: I kinda wanted Vic to see my message. Even if she'd ban me, I wanted to see if she'd ever notice my message. And that would've been the end of it if it wasn't for Brook.

I briefly mentioned Brook in the last post. She was another OC of Vic's, and was exactly to Brock what Lord Scarlet was to Master Frown; a carbon copy love interest. Except Lord Scarlet was far more developed and drawn & written about more. Brook didn't even really have a distinct personality, she was a girl Brock and that was it. But with reptilian overlord eyes. (To be fair, Vic drew Brock like that sometimes too)

(I didn't include Vic's art unless it was in chat bgs or whatever in the last post, but for the sake of referencing/proving a point, this is what Brook looks like)

No one really paid attention to her for the longest time. She was there in the fanfics because according to Vic, "Scarlet needed a friend." And like I said in the first post, Brook wasn't said to be canon so I never found a reason to really care for her. Plus I can only recall someone giving Vic fanart with her, and it was with Scarlet (@plastic-papercuts made it, go follow her she's gr8).

But then one day, for some reason, something in me clicked. I actually thought of a story idea for her. Somehow this bland cutout of a character had potential in my eyes, and I weirdly started liking her because of it. She suddenly felt...more real. I got pretty invested in my idea and newfound interpretation of Brook, and describing it would make this post way longer than it is so if anyone asks about it, I'll probably make a whole other post about it.

Anyway, I came up with a little plan: draw out this idea in the form of a comic and post it to the Lord Scarlet Amino. And see if Vic gets suspicious and checks out my profile and then maybe bans me. It felt a bit better than total silence and she'd probably see that someone gave a crap about Brook after all.

So I started a new chat called "It's Brook" to share my progress with the other members of the Amino, which there weren't too many of but we had fun in it. It was basically me, @friffinx , @soapycocacola, @plastic-papercuts, and a few others who aren't on Tumblr (or at least don't think are) chatting about how awful Vic was and calling out her lazy art tactics like tracing and using assets/clips right from the show. And of course me sharing the comic progress I was making. Again, this doesn't make anything we did right but it felt good getting everything off our chests. We were like a secret rebellion against an absentee dictator. One time Vic came online as we were chatting and even viewed my profile, but nothing happened. And it stayed that way until I opened Amino up one morning. For those of you who don't have it, the menu shows all the communities you're in when you open the app, and all of mine were there except for the Lord Scarlet Amino. I assumed I must've been banned overnight. But I wasn't banned from Vic's other Amino so I commented on her wall on that one. For Vic's sake, I won't show how the conversation went (and I'll explain why at the end) but here's how it went:

Me: Did you ban me from the LS Amino?

Her: There was drama in one of the chat rooms and I'm not having it. I didn't want to do it and it's not a big deal It's just an amino and you're still on this one AM I RIGHT?

Me: Yes, but I assume you read my updated bio. As I hoped you would.

Her: Nope.

Me: Oh. But you know what? Ban me from here too for all I care, I feel like you deserve to know why I left and came back: *insert me finally telling her how I know she lied, that she hurt me, and what I did was wrong here*

Her: Lol ok be that person but keep in mind that I'm one of those people that doesn't gibe a fuck lol

And then she banned me from that Amino too before I could type and submit a fitting farewell reply.

At least I finally got all the built-up emotional pain out of me, but it did help me realize something important: we never really were friends. I wanted more of her content despite all her red flags as a person so I tried enduring them, thinking it'd be worth it, and she only kinda cared about me when I was being a yes man. She never kept any promises and didn't respect me the same way I did her. So I could at least feel confident knowing she most likely didn't care at all when I first left.

@friffinx and the others didn't get banned, though, and Friff even started another chat on the LS Amino called "It's Brook 2" where they talked more about Vic being a terrible person. And it didn't take long for her to shut that chat down too and ban everyone from it that time. Friff sent me screenshots of what happened next (which again, I'm not gonna show), where Vic basically had a meltdown. She changed her username to "Little Miss Guillotine", and made a post about her being "finished with the bushit". In it, she announced that she didn't even like Unikitty! anymore but was still gonna keep/use Lord Scarlet because she wanted to. The part that made my blood almost boil wasn't her views on the show, she's free to have her opinion and I couldn't care less about it. What DID was that she acknowledged that she lied the whole time because "she didn't care anymore" and said that it was "our faults for believing it in the first place" and that "we needed to grow up"/"stop brining it up"

Ooooh boy, victim blaming, my favortie...

Since then she changed the Lord Scarlet Amino's theme to make it about The Penguins of Madagacar (again, fine with me). Either way she was still a narcissist and I thought she'd, sadly, likely never change. And my friends and I all thought that was the end of it.

Until a few hours ago...

I was browsing the Unikitty Amino and saw a new member named BlueCat. Didn't think anything else of it until the user PMed me. And this is what happened:

I didn't know what to think other than "I thought this day would never come", I was that shaken. This was so left field-ish that what else could I do but believe her? It didn't even seem suspicious or like she was trying to be a suck up, that wasn't Vic at all.

But the one thing I knew I had to do was ban her because even if she meant well and did it for the right(?) reasons, but I still asked if I should in the staff chat. @girly-glorious (also amazing so pls check her out :D) told me that yes, it was ban evasion so since I'm a leader too now I could to it on my own. But I knew I had to message Vic first and Girly told me to be careful, so this is what I sent:

And then I banned her, the end (not really)

Now I don't understand how or why this sudden behavior change happened but I don't know if I should question it in case it's personal. But again, I at least want to believe that she's really being genuine and had a change of heart because never in a million years could I imagine her being this mature. Again, she didn't demand that I forgive me or probably even expect me to. But the message still does leave me feeling sorry for her.

Now I thought that was the real end of it until I see the Penguins of Madagascar/old Lord Scarlet Amino on my sideboard.

She unbanned me.

Now I don't know where we'll go from here, if anywhere. I'm not too sure if I can really let my guard down around someone who hurt me so badly just in case she does it again. So I may not talk to her again, but if she really asks something from me, I might try and build up courage to ask her more about how she came to apologizing to me. Plus she followed me on Wattpad too.

But this is why I didn't show our conversation right before my ban or her "f.u." posts. Because I don't want people seeing more of Vic's past behavior and possibly embarrassing her about it if she ever sees this. But that's kinda why I felt like it was 100% necessary to finally make a sequel post in the end; I'm hoping people at least acknowledge Vic has changed and don't keep thinking about based on what I shared out of attempts to gain sympathy like a crybaby.

So before I go: PLEASE, DON'T GO AFTER OR HARASS VIC. I KNOW YOU PROBABLY WON'T, BUT THIS IS SERIOUS. ALL THE PROBLEMATIC LORD SCARLET DRAMA IS STUFF OF THE PAST AND NEITHER OF US WANT TO KEEP LOOKING BACK ON IT.

I hope this helps whoever's reading as much as it did me.

[hachewl]

@veunso​ I’ve been trying to finish the NSFW part for weeks but I’m tired of thinking about this fic, lol 

Ratings/Warnings: 18+. Not quite smut, but still NSFW.

"Is it Shadow or Shadows?" Levi asks.

You blink wearily, knowing he will elaborate on his own if given time. It only takes a few seconds.

"Because the canon is Shadow, singular, but on forums and stuff you see Shadows, plural, all of the time.” Any time Levi mentions an online forum or some kind of social media site, there's a rant on the way. “And if you think about it, Shadow implies governing over a singular shadow, and I can't decide which is lonelier... being surrounded by the shadows of everyone else or just your own.

“I mean, obviously being alone is lonely, but what if the Lord of Shadow governs all shadows, and all he does is compare the length of his to everyone else's. Metaphorically. And because the Lord of Shadow didn't have any real friends before he met Henry - "

"Levi?"

You can feel his chest heaving against your back as he sucks in a breath, worried you're going to call him annoying.

"Yes, MC?"

"You know I love you, right?"

His hair brushes your nose as he nods. It's a short nod, and now you have to figure out how to express that this isn't a good conversation to have when your brain literally feels like pudding after hours of studying magic with Solomon. And that's not even taking into account all of your other responsibilities – Asmodeus wouldn't agree to take over cooking duty for you tomorrow even if the world was ending.

If you don't, he'll close himself off, and you'll be back at square one – it's like talking to a wall when Leviathan's anxiety gets really bad, because of how much he struggles to see past it.

"Can you tell me about this in a few hours?" you ask. "When I'll be awake enough to remember this conversation happening?"

"Sure… Can I write it out in my DDD?” The device is already in his hand. He doesn't need to ask permission for this, but he wants some kind of confirmation that you're not going to think he's a loser. “So I can write it down before I forget what I was going to say?"

"Go ahead."

"Thanks, MC.” The walls of his bathtub easily keep the two of you pressed together. In close proximity like this, even the smallest movements, such as the ones he makes while playing with his DDD, echo off your body. “You're the best."

"You're such a good boy," you yawn sleepily.

All at once, Levi's squirming stops. It's not abnormal for him to spend hours fidgeting or repositioning himself, even with you laying next to him, but he doesn't normally freeze like this.

A second later, Levi rolls over as quickly as he can, but not before your brain registers why.

You hear a sharp intake of breath, almost a hiss, as Levi realizes what you've just felt. "I'm so sorry, so, so sorry!"

And so much for relaxing, you think, as you immediately roll over to pin him in place. With the lack of space in the tub, it's inevitable that you feel it again, and Levi hugs his DDD protectively against his chest. He stares at the porcelain wall closest to him, having forgotten how to blink, as you cage his body beneath your own.

"Why are you apologizing?"

It's just a boner. Although Levi is clearly mortified, you're aware that these things happen sometimes. It's not as though Levi can control it.

Instead of answering, Levi whimpers. And then he closes his eyes and looks as though he never wants to open them again. At this point, the most the two of you have done is talk about sex – he thinks he's been hiding the fact that he's inexperienced from you, too embarrassed to admit it, because he's a thousands of years old demon.

Yes or no questions are easiest for Levi, when he's in a state like this:

"Do you like being called my good boy?"

He nods.

"Do you want me to call you my good boy again?"

"P-please…" he moves again, starting to uncurl himself.

Levi's insecurity is no match  for the bulge in his sweatpants. He somehow maneuvers onto his back and his hips rock against nothing, not quite closing the gap between you and him, and he squeaks in embarrassment at his own body's betrayal. A kiss to the corner of his eye is his reward.

“Want to reenact one of your TSL doujinshis?” you suggest. Levi makes a series of facial expressions, all of which demand some kind of explanation – you wish you could shrug as you say this, but... “You don't hide your porn very well,” you inform him.

The noise he makes this time is some kind of hybrid between a whimper and a groan.

“You know that doujinshi where Henry and the Lord of Shadow have to share a bed, because there's only one open room left at the crappy hotel they're staying in?”

You position your leg between Levi's own, and he's grinding sporadically into your thigh, eyes half-lidded, before you've even finished your thought. “Go on,” he mutters. He's trying so hard to hold himself back – he'll brush into you once, and then force himself to a jittery stop – and you have no idea why. The Lord of Shadow is always more needy and vocal in his fan comics. “Th-that's...”

“It's one of my favorites too,” you inform him. “When the Lord of Shadow wakes up with morning wood and Henry offers to help him out? That reminds me of this – ”

And that's what finally gets him to moan.

Levi is just as vocal as you'd thought he would be, and that's not a bad thing. It's fun trying to catch the sounds leaving his mouth on your tongue.

"Th-thought you wanted to rest," he pants, after you finally pull away.

“But we haven't gotten to the good part yet.”

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Oh my gosh don't even worry about it! Take your time! (Let's not forget I took like, a month to respond last time...)

BUT GINA!!! I JUST SAW YOU HIT A NEW MILESTONE! THAT'S SO EXCITING! 😄 CONGRATS!!!

Oh my gosh, I'm glad you're all healthy again. I have to get tested constantly at my school which is kind of nice even though it's a pain. 😕

Geez. I hope that now with the vaccine out we can get more people vaccinated quickly and slowly return back to our lives.

Ok so I see you reblog stuff with him all the time and I have a confession to make: I don't think I've ever seen him in anything. 🙈 I will definitely have to check out Jackie & Ryan though! (I just have to find it first, haha)

4 assignments on day one!? I think I got 2 in one class, but that's it. That's crazy!

Ooh... keeping myself hydrated? Uh... About that... 😬 Ok, put the slippers down, and I'll go drink some water. 😉

I've been reading mostly fics. Some fanfics some original plots people post online. And I have about a million books in my dorm room I have yet to read so I keep staring at them and trying to decide which one I'll read next before giving up and reading fanfic instead. 😅 There may or may not have been a research study thrown in there yesterday but shhh.

Haha, honestly I don't mind if you figure out who I am. I just enjoy being a little anon and spreading joy sometimes. 😄 Perhaps one day I'll tell you or you'll figure it out, but until then it's kind of fun to be a mystery isn't it? I feel like a spy! 😉

Lol, no I promise I'm not an AI. 😂 I'm majoring in a science field and I've found that I really like the testing and analyzation aspect of it. (Maybe not so much the prior background research part, but unfortunately that part comes with it too. 🤷‍♀️) Omg please don't feel dumb, you're smart too! I just have a particular interest in the topic and am considering a career in research one day, plus it'll be a HUGE benefit on my grad school applications. -⭐

Hahah you only took a month? Seemed longer xD

Thank you so much ^^ I really don’t understand why people follow me. My schedule is horrible and I take ages in replying some of the asks xD

Oh, that’s actually good. Here they only test essential workers. Students and such don’t count as essential so if you are sick you just have to self-isolate or pay for a test which is £120.

Hahah I’m trying to be intimidating mother figure offering advice, but do you really think I take my own advices? The only water I drink is my tea xD So I guess this time I give you a pass but only because you finally came back after a month :D

I don’t know if you have seen that video on tiktok where the girl says she has x hundred books but only 40% read. That reminds me of you and me. We really want to read and we do have the physical books to do it, but at the end of the day we choose fanfic xD

Have we talked off anon? The way you said you have never watched a Ben Barnes movie and the fact that you study science reminds me of someone, I just can’t put my hand on it. I’m so in detective mode that I literally started going through all the dms I have and searched for people who mentioned what they were studying just so I can figure it out, but I got nothing xD And of course, in no way I am trying to analyse every word you write :D

I know I’m smart, but like compared to you dumb xD My Business Management course is nothing compared to your science. Are you planning to build a rocket and leave the earth xD