#which is why I didn’t want to post anything until it’s mostly done at least ya know

[aro-tarot]

To myself: Must keep that new idea an idea with maybe some more idea thinking of it. Don’t get so attached that I have to start writing it. Don’t think of Arthur as a fae prince. Don’t think of maybe something like Merlin being a witch that maybe interests the good neighbors because he’s Emrys and that means something to this AU universe. Idk. Don’t think about maybe working together to overthrow Uther or something like that.

[jakesduskwood]

even statues crumble if they're made to wait

Pairing: Jake x Fem!MC

Genre: Post-Episode 10 Duskwood, Post-Episode 1 Moonvale

Words: 8,916

Summary: It's been three months since the explosion in the mine. Three months since Hannah was found. And MC's accepted that Jake is never coming back. When she gets roped into another missing person's case, it makes for the perfect distraction. Jake is dead. It's fine. That is, until she finds herself on the phone with Alan Bloomgate who says he has something to show her. But it's fine. Jake is dead.

Until he's not.

EPISODE-1 MOONVALE SPOILERS AHEAD (MAYBE)!

[ A/N: Hello! :)

I know it's been a while since I've done this, but I finished Moonvale Episode 1 and if you've seen the ending (and used its Duskwood code), you know what happened and how excited I was to receive that bit of Duskwood. So, I took it and ran with it, and out came this extremely long fic. I did not proofread this as it took me literally almost 12 hours to write so it is completely and 100% me and my love for Jake and I hope you love it.

Side note: I suck with anything related to timelines, so I made one up on my own. I know Episode 1 of Moonvale takes place over the course of a day or two, but for the purpose of this fic, it made sense to make it longer, so it's not a typo, or me losing my mind, it's just the way my brain processed this.

Enjoy! :) ]

It’s been three months since the explosion in the mine.

Three months since Richy had been killed. Three months since Hannah was rescued. Three months since I had last spoken to Thomas or Cleo or Lilly or…or Jessy. I didn’t blame her then and I don’t blame her now. Any of them, really. I didn’t share the bond they had with each other. I wasn’t from Duskwood. It didn’t matter that we’d experienced a tragedy together—and yes, perhaps them more than me, but I loved Richy too. I had lost Richy too. And Jake—

But mostly, I think they just wanted to forget. To move on. They didn’t want to remember that their friend had been capable of…of that. And I was a constant reminder of that to them. So I understood why we didn’t necessarily talk anymore.

The one person I did keep in contact with from Duskwood, oddly enough, other than the occasional update from Alan Bloomgate, was Dan. We weren’t best friends or anything, but he allowed me to check in on our friends in a way that I didn’t know how to do with anyone else. Maybe because I thought he was the least affected among them. I knew he cared about Hannah, but he wasn’t to her what Thomas or Cleo or Lilly were. And he wasn’t to Richy what Jessy had been.

I’d learned from him that Thomas and Hannah had broken up. There was no bad blood, but Thomas hadn’t quite figured out how to accept the things he’d learned about his girlfriend when she’d been gone, and Hannah hadn’t quite figured out how to re-trust someone after Richy. Even if that person was Thomas. But I’d hoped they would find their way back to each other in the end.

I thought about reaching out to Jessy every once in a while—even just as an apology for everything that had happened. I’m sorry that Hannah was found at the expense of Richy. I’m sorry that he did this to you. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. We should have. We should have. We should have. I miss you. But I never send it. I’m not all that sure she’d respond anyway.

Cleo and I were never all that close. She has her best friend back, so I think she’s probably as okay as she can be. Helping Hannah find a new kind of normal in a time where her childhood friend had kidnapped her in order to prove a point. I don’t know how you come back from that—I don’t know how you come back from knowing that you killed somebody at all.

I hadn’t found the courage to ask if somebody had told Hannah about Jake.

Not that I think it would matter anyway. I hadn’t heard from him since before the explosion in the mine, which was, like I said—three months ago. I waited the appropriate amount of time—twenty-five days—before I broke down and concluded that maybe he hadn’t survived. Which just piled a shit-ton of guilt onto my shoulders because it was supposed to be me in that mine. He had gone in place of me and now he was dead.

It was the only explanation that made sense. I was used to Jake disappearing for days at a time, but never as long as he had been now. And he didn’t seem like the type to tell me he loved me and then leave without a single explanation. Not unless he had to. But it had been three months and as much as I missed him, as much as my chest ached with the thought that we would never eat Chinese food out of shitty motels and have that on-the-run ending we talked about, I had accepted that he wasn’t coming back.

I wonder if he had known about Richy or if he had died still thinking Michael Hanson was the one who had kidnapped Hannah. I wonder if his last thoughts were of me. Maybe it’s selfish, but I kind of hope they were, because I’m pretty sure I’ll think about him for the rest of my life.

I wonder what it would have felt like to run my hands through his hair. To kiss him. To spend every waking moment with him and know it was because I loved him. Because I would have. Talking to Jake became about more than just finding Hannah. It became a part of my day I looked forward to more than anything else. He confided in me in a way that told me he never had with anyone, maybe not even Hannah, and I needed that from somebody. I needed somebody to trust in me the way that Jake did. I needed somebody to love me the way that Jake did.

It was strange—and maybe a little ironic—the thought that something so beautiful could come out of something so tragic.

Anyway, my point is: it’s been a long couple of months. Of thinking about my friends. Of thinking about Jake. Of wondering if I should have done things differently. I should have gone to Duskwood to help. Not even with the mine, but sooner. I could have. I could’ve gone when Jessy was attacked on the way home. I could’ve gone when the group made plans to cut out of town and hide away in the house Richy had found. Selfishly, I should have. In that moment, when they were settled around the fire and Lilly called me, I had never remembered wanting anything more. I should have grabbed Jake—metaphorically, maybe even literally—and rode it out with them to the end.

I don’t stop missing them after three months. Of wishing things could have been different. Wishing I could have done more. But exactly ninety-five days after the explosion in the mine, seventy days since I had accepted that Jake was never coming back, twenty-two days since I had last heard from anybody from Duskwood (Dan included), my phone dings with a new message.

And the cycle starts all over again.

It’s somebody named Eric, who claims he needs my help to find his friend Adam, who disappeared while he was waiting for a ride in someplace called Redlog Pines. And much like with Duskwood, I have never heard of Redlog, and the case reminds me way too much of Thomas’ first message to me, so much that it makes my chest ache, but I can’t say no because there’s somebody missing, and if I’d say no the first time, God knows where Hannah would be.

So, I say yes, and I help out where I can, and Eric decides he needs to bring about four more friends in on his little plan and I try my best to stay emotionally unattached because I remember everything that happened the last time and I can’t go through that again. I offer up information when I can and keep my words short and careful because I’m not ready to get attached to somebody else I know I might never meet.

I know how this ends.

Two days in, Ash, one of Eric’s friends, brings up my Duskwood past and the unhealed wound I’ve been trying to mend breaks open again. She asks about Richy, and about the mine, and then because I’m me and I can’t help myself, I tell her about Jake. She tells me the news never mentioned another body and I shove that thought to the back of my head because hoping for something that will never come true will kill me.

Four days into Adam’s disappearance, and the police not giving a shit—as Charlie, somebody who reminds me far too much of Richy for comfort, points out—my phone beeps with an incoming call from somebody I haven’t spoken to in a while.

“Go for [MC].” I answer my phone.

Ever since Hannah had been found in the mine and Jake had…you know, my phone had been more silent than I’d gotten used to. Until this new case. But even that—it was only a few days old and I didn’t want to go down the same path with them that I did with my friends in Duskwood. We didn’t really know each other that long, sure—even though sometimes it’d felt like it—but it felt like I’d finally been a part of something. Like, I had found these people who had chosen me for me.

And originally, maybe they had. Maybe they’d had every intention of keeping me around, but then Richy was the Man Without A Face and Alan Bloomgate had rescued Hannah and nothing was the same as it had been when we’d met each other. We knew too many secrets about each other by the time the town settled. Secrets we would have to take to the grave.

Or maybe I’m losing my mind a bit and I had really only been a means to an end.

Either way.

“Alan?” I raise my voice when there’s nothing but breathing on the other end of the line. “Did you mean to call me?”

His tone is clipped. “I found something.”

“You found something.” I repeat.

My heart clenches. For all I know, it might fall into my stomach. As far I know, from watching the news, from what Ash told me, Jake’s body was never found. Richy’s was. Or what was left of him to find, anyway. I had assumed that there just hadn’t been enough of Jake left. The thought left me nauseous, but it was better than hoping for something I knew I could never have.

“I’m sending it to your phone now.” He responds. “Let me know what you think of this.”

And then he hangs up.

That was a riveting conversation, I think as my phone dings with a message. I do my best to ignore my other messages—contacts from Duskwood I’m still not ready to acknowledge—and click Alan Bloomgate. He sent me a video that looks like—oh God.

Immediately, I’m overcome with emotion as an all-too-familiar forest pops up on my phone. It’s a video of Alan’s bodycam footage. He’s searching the Duskwood forest. A forest I’ve seen too many times in the background of other video calls.

I watch as he stumbles upon an object that’s too dark to make out at first. When he gets closer, it’s clear that it’s a backpack. It’s simple. Black. Nothing about it that screams this is mine and I left it here about anybody in particular. You stupid, stupid idiot, I tell my heart when it rattles against my chest in hope. He’s dead.

Alan stands and treks away from the backpack—I want to scream at him to go back, to open it and look through it and tell me if it’s what my heart aches to believe, but I can’t, because this is a video and I’m simply watching with wide eyes, waiting for…for something. But then. But then, he moves further into the forest and I watch as he stumbles upon an object that makes my knees tremble and tears rush to my eyes and my hands shake. A black hoodie. It looks like it’s been through hell, with holes scattered up the sleeves and dirt cakes into the hood, but it’s unmistakably his.

And then—Alan lifts the hood and picks up something that makes me sink to my knees with a sob that wracks my entire frame. Because I’m staring at Jake’s mask. The mask he doesn’t go anywhere without. The mask that protects him. And so my relief is short-lived, because I realize that even if he’s alive—which seems like a very big possibility at this point—he’s alive without the things that he needs to survive.

And then the anger kicks in. Because if he’s been alive, on his own, for three months—why has he not contacted me? Unless he survived the mine but he didn’t survive the after. But that didn’t make any sense. So, okay, he wasn’t dead. But that didn’t make any sense either. He told me he wouldn’t let them catch him. Because catching that meant he would be apart from me. Did something happen that prevented him from being able to reach out and tell me he was at least okay? A quick text that said didn’t die in the explosion in the mine, you don’t need to mourn me, by the way, going off radar for another year. Did he think I would have given up on him?

I wipe my eyes and shoot a message to Alan.

ME: Recently?? Did nobody search the forests before?      

ALAN: Searched the forests for what, [MC]? The logical assumption seemed to be that if anybody was inside the mine when Richy set the fire, they would have perished alongside him. Officers were stationed outside every known entrance and exit. Besides, after the story you and your friends spun around this town, do you think anybody would have gone back into its forests?

ME: But it’s possible?

ALAN: I would say these items had been there for some time. But I would say it is likely he ditched them when he fled the mine, yes.

Another sob tears through my throat. Jake is alive. I don’t know quite what that means for us as of now, but I know it’s the best news I’ve heard since Hannah was found. Jake is alive. He’s out there somewhere. And even if it’s been three months, and even if I’m a little bit mad at him right now, I know that if he was here, I would throw my arms around his neck and hold on to him until someone dragged me off, and even then—I would fight kicking and screaming.

I close out of my messages with Alan and pull up a conversation I haven’t had the heart to look at in quite some time.

ME: Jake’s alive.

LILLY: …

LILLY: Have you spoken to him?

ME: Alan called. He found some of Jake’s things in Duskwood. I don’t know a lot of details. But I know he made it out of the mine.

Lilly types for a long while, but she doesn’t respond. I don’t take it personally. I think it’s probably hard for her to be happy that her brother’s okay while also trying to accept that her sister may never be okay again. Her sister, who had once-upon-a-time been kind-of-sort-of in love with their brother she didn’t know she had. I think that would probably mess with any family’s heads. And on top of all that, you throw in manslaughter and a kidnapping. I wouldn’t wish anybody, not even my worst enemy, to have had to go through what the Donforts had.

When it becomes adamant that Lilly isn’t going to respond, I start scrolling through messages with the rest of the group in Duskwood. I click on Jessy. I’m here if you need me. That had been the last thing I sent to her, a couple of days after Richy’s death. She hadn’t responded. I click out of Jessy’s contact and click on Thomas’ instead. Thank you for everything. That had been his last message to me after we found Hannah. I’d liked it. I hadn’t expected at the time it would be the last thing we’d ever say to each other. I click out of Thomas’ and click on Richy. So, you want to turn yourself in? I’d asked. That was before he called me. Before he lit a match and burned himself and the mine to the ground. Some people would call that heroic. I mostly call him a coward.

I click on Jake’s name. It’s been a while since I read messages between the two of us. Maybe before I had accepted—thought—he was dead. In that twenty-five-day period when I’d hoped with all I’d had that he would come back. I love you. That was the last message he sent me. I’d responded with I love you too, Jake. Then, four days later: Are you okay? A week later: Jake, please, you’re starting to scare me. I know you said you would contact when you could, but it’s been a week. After twenty-five days, when I had finally accepted our fate, I’d sent one final message: I hope you know that I love you, and I will always care about you, but I think it’s time for me to move on. I’m so sorry that I sent you into the mine. It should have been me. And I will probably feel the guilt from that for the rest of my life. Thank you for everything. Take care of yourself, wherever you are.

After that, I had closed out of our messages and hadn’t looked back. Partly because I couldn’t bear the pain of it. It felt like I had given up on him. I hadn’t—if I had thought for a second that he was alive, if I knew then what I know now, I would have never sent that message. But holding out hope for somebody who I thought was a ghost at the time? That was slowly killing me.

It’s only then that I notice the screen flickering. Much like the way it used to whenever Jake would hack into my phone. I don’t think he’s much in the mood to be hacking right now, but somehow, I know it’s him. When had he done this? Recently? If I had opened our messages, would I have seen this ten—twenty—even fifty days ago? It hadn’t looked like this the last time I texted him. Did he see my last message about needing to move on? Was that why he hadn’t reached out to tell me that he was okay? Because he thought I was moving on happily without him?

No, my brain supplies. He wouldn’t. He would reach out anyway, because he knows how much the thought of him not being okay would have destroyed you.

The screen flickers once more and then a message pops up, bright and blue-tinted and clear as day on my phone.

[MC]

I WILL FIND YOU

And the world around me shifts.

--------------------------------------------------

Maybe it sounds crazy, considering I’ve never seen his face before, but I always thought that if I’d ran into Jake one day, maybe on the street or at one of those motels he stayed at or maybe even in Duskwood, surrounded by all our friends, I would know it was him. I would, because it’s him, and it’s me, and we’re the only two people who understand each other quite the way we do.

I still believe that.

I believe it when I book my flight to Duskwood (or rather, twenty miles outside of town, which is the closest airport). I believe it when I board the airplane and find a seat next to a mother with her screaming child and when I shoot off a quick text to Eric to let him know I’ll be MIA for the next few hours, but to message me if he needs anything—and I think about how much easier this case would probably be to solve if we had Jake.

Maybe it would have been harder to find Hannah without me, but I know damn well they would’ve never found her without Jake.

Dan picks me up from the airport. I haven’t told the others yet. Something about it felt off—like I shouldn’t message them and say hey, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’m booking a flight to look into why my maybe-slash-not-really boyfriend left his belongings in a forest we really wish we could forget about, and by the way, can I crash at your place?

It’s quiet on the car ride back into town. I’m looking through my messages from Eric and the group from Redlog Pines and thinking about how I’m Duskwood with this group and I want so badly to laugh because it’s ironic, but Dan wouldn’t understand. He might just call me crazy. Better yet, he would ask how I manage to get myself into these situations, and really, I don’t have an answer for him.

“How have you been?” I ask, just to break the tension, as Charlie, in my messages, tries to persuade his friends to head back into that creepy cave in the middle of the forest. He’s going to get someone killed, I think.

Dan looks over at me. “Are you still with Hackerman?”

My chest squeezes. “His name is Jake, Dan. And we were never really together.”

“Hm.” He nods like he doesn’t quite believe me. “You already know mostly everything that’s been happening here. Thomas and Hannah called it quits. They say it was some mutual decision, but it’s hard to find them in the same room together. Jessy hasn’t been out with us since. I think we remind her too much of Richy. The group’s all changed.”

“And you?” I ask.

He gives me a cheshire-like grin that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “I’m always the same.”

We make it to Duskwood just as the sun’s going down. Much too late for me to try and trek through the forest and retrace the steps Jake might have taken that night. Not that I think it would help give me any clues as to where he might have gone, but mostly because I wonder if it will make me feel closer to him. We’ve never been in the same place before, and even if he’s not there now—he once was.

“Can you drop me at the police station?”

Dan blinks. “The police station.”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“We answered their questions for weeks, [MC]. I don’t think anything you have to tell them at this point is going to help. The investigation’s closed. Everybody knows Richy did it. He died with the fire in the mine. Everybody’s trying to move on from that.” He works his jaw. “Did you come here to open old wounds after all this time?”

I try not to show the hurt look on my face. “This isn’t about Richy. Look, Alan called me. He asked if I could look at some things. I figured it was better for me to do it in person. That’s it. Nothing to do with Richy. Nothing to do with Jessy. Nothing to do with you.”

He sighs, and I’m not entirely sure he’s going to abide by my wishes until we pull in front of a tiny building—tinier than most—that says Duskwood Police on the sign. Duskwood must not have that much crime. Well, not until this, I suppose.

“Thank you.” I tell him as I reach over to undo my seatbelt and climb out of the car. “This is a nice ride, by the way.”

He raises a hand in some mock-salute. “Need me to pick you up?”

“Nah.” I shake my head. “Think I’ll explore the town for a little bit.”

“Suit yourself.” He shrugs and then he’s off.

I square my shoulders and take a deep breath before opening the door to the police station. It wasn’t like Alan asked me to come down here. He hadn’t. Even during the investigation into Richy’s death and Hannah’s kidnapping, when he questioned us, he never asked me to come to Duskwood. We’d done way too many video calls and phone calls and at one point, I had asked if he thought it would be easier for me to come to Duskwood, to which he responded back, are you ready for that?

No, I hadn’t been. I’m not even so sure I was now. But knowing that Jake was alive, that here was the last place was, I had to try.

“Can I help you?” The woman at the front desk asks.

I clear my throat. “I was wondering if I could speak to Alan Bloomgate. I’m one of—I was involved in the Hannah Donfort case. My name is [MC].”

Her eyes widen. “Give me a moment.” She stands and heads to some back office—which looks to me more like a closet—and then returns with a clipped smile. “He’ll be right out.”

Apparently, she isn’t lying, because not two minutes later, Alan is stepping out from the same door and staring me down. I hold his gaze and hope it says that I’m not here to argue. I will tell him my truth, but only my truth, not Hannah’s, not Jake’s, not anybody else’s.

“I was wondering when I would see you.” He says.

I shrug one shoulder. “Isn’t a few months later better than never?”

“Let’s go into my office.” He says, and leads me around the desk and back into the closet space he had come out of. He sits behind the desk and motions for me to take a seat opposite him. “I’m just going to guess you’re not here to talk about Miss Donfort.”

“I want to see them.” I tell him. “His things. I want to see them for myself. And whatever you want from me in return, I’ll give to you.”

“You’re playing a dangerous game here, [MC].”

“He isn’t a game to me.” I snap back and then sit back and try to relax. “I appreciate that you called me. It’s—I helped you find Hannah. I would do it again. Even with knowing the things that we do now, I would do it all again. That’s how much that group means to me. That’s how much he means to me. I’m not asking you to break any rules or to lie for him or to—to let him hide in your basement for the next five years. I’m just asking you to show me what you found.”

He stares me down for a moment. Then, he sighs, says “wait here for a minute” and disappears to another room. When he comes back, it’s with an evidence bag in his hand filled with the objects I saw on his bodycam footage. My breath hitches in my throat.

“I can’t let you touch them.” He says as he lays them in front of me.

I stare into the eyes of the mask. “Did you tell anybody that he’s alive?”

“I don’t know that he’s alive,” is all the answer he gives, which is an answer to my question. I slide my gaze down to the black hoodie, to the dirtied sleeves and muddy hood, and think about the fact that Jake wore this. I’m so close to him.

And yet I’ve never been further away from him.

“Thank you.” I tell him. “For—for this. And for listening to me about Hannah. If you hadn’t, I—I don’t know what would have happened. How much longer he would have gone on for. If he would have ever stopped.”

Alan’s silent for a minute. Then, he clears his throat. “You know, it was strange to me. Both Hannah and yourself swore to me that neither of you knew the other.”

“I don’t.” I swear.

It was one of the (albeit many) things that didn’t make sense to me. How Hannah got a hold of my number. How she sent it to Thomas. She’d told Alan she hadn’t really remembered texting him my number at all.

“I believe you.” He reassures. “I just think it’s strange. One mistake, if you can call it that, and you throw yourself into a missing persons case to help a stranger.”

“They’re not strangers.” Even though Hannah is kind of still a stranger.

“But they were.” Alan reasons. “You had no reason to say yes to helping Thomas. I doubt anybody would have held it against you if you turned the other way. But you decided to follow this until the end. To make sure they found Hannah. And you care about them. Maybe that’s why I find that I’m more lenient with you than maybe I should be. Why you’re sitting across from me right now calling the shots. Why I’m not asking you about the hacker.”

“I wouldn’t tell you if you did.” I look him in the eye so he knows I’m telling the truth.

He returns my gaze. “Maybe that’s the other reason.”

“Hm.” I acknowledge before I turn my gaze away—from him, from the objects that I know belong to Jake and it takes everything in me not to snatch them up and run. “Well. Thank you for allowing me to steal some of your time. For letting me—” I cut myself off before I say something that makes me break down in a fit of tears in front of him. “—just thank you.”

Leaving the station is easier than coming in. I’m still not any closer to knowing where Jake is than I was when I arrived here, but there’s a comfort in knowing he walked these streets. I wonder what he would think if he knew I was here. He hadn’t wanted me to come to Duskwood when everything was happening…but now that it was over, would he be happy that I was here? That I had come to Duskwood to piece together where he might have gone? Would he track my location and come to find me and…or was I grasping at straws?

It felt like I had just gotten him back. Not really, not entirely…but knowing that he was alive, that he was out there somewhere, maybe thinking of me and looking for ways to come back, to live the life we talked about when he asked me if I was sure…that was worth it. The thought that we could maybe someday have that—even if it was a twenty percent chance.

I check my phone again to see a new message from Ash. She’s asking me if I’ve heard from Charlie in the last few hours. Apparently, he’s AWOL, and I want to help, really, but…it doesn’t really feel like that’s where I am at the moment. Not just physically—obviously—but mentally. We got lucky with Hannah. And that was really only because we had Jake. Adam didn’t have a Jake. Or…maybe he did and I just hadn’t met him yet. But I already had a Jake and I didn’t want another one.

Maybe—if I found him, I could convince him to help. That was a big maybe. Not because I thought Jake would say no. He would say yes to anything I asked of him. The maybe was whether or not I could find him. More likely, the maybe was whether or not he would find me.

Three months ago, I would have been able to come to Duskwood and have no shortage of things I wanted to do and people I wanted to see. Now, as I stand outside Duskwood’s police station, I feel nothing but loneliness. Nobody knows I’m here. I could pass Thomas on the street and he wouldn’t even know it. I could run into Jessy at the library and she would walk by me without even a second thought. Why would they? I hadn’t told them I was here.

So, with nothing left to do, I walked. Toward the town center. Toward the library that Jessy showed me on our walk through Duskwood. Toward the Rainbow Café where I knew that Cleo and Hannah had spent a lot of their time. Toward the Black Swan. Toward—

Ah, what the hell.

I had nothing better to do and The Aurora seemed like a great place to drown my sorrows. To think about my next steps. To figure out—now that I was in Duskwood—what I planned to do. The thing about Jake being so secretive (and on the run) was that I couldn’t retrace his steps. I wasn’t able to ask if anyone had seen him. One, because he would make sure nobody had. And two, because three months was a long time to forget somebody’s face if you didn’t know who you were looking for.

I pull open the door to the bar and step inside. Immediately, I’m hit with the stench of whiskey and a handful of chatter. Duskwood’s a small town. And The Aurora definitely proves it. The bartenders move melodically around each other, serving patrons on the other side of the bar. If you walk down further, there’s a handful of tables.

And dead in the center is a table with my friends. Or, some of them. Dan and Cleo and Lilly. Could I still call them my friends? Ex-friends, maybe? Acquaintances? I didn’t know what they were. Or how to address them. It wasn’t like we had gotten into a fight. We didn’t stop talking for any reason other than that we did. We stopped talking.

I make a beeline for the bar to avoid a confrontation and plant myself on one of the stools. One of the bartenders—a girl cute with bleach blonde hair and brown Bambi eyes—asks what I want and I channel my inner Dan to order a whiskey—neat.

Looking over my shoulder, I focus on the table of them. On Lilly, who’s smiling at something Cleo said. On Dan, who’s the only one of them who actually knows I’m here. But even he’s focused on the conversation they’re having. It’s strange—to see Dan a part of something I’m not sure he would have been before. It’s nice.

“[MC]?”

I turn my head away from the table of my friends and focus my attention across the bar on someone I should’ve expected to see. “Phil.”

“I thought I recognized your voice from when we talked.” He smiles. “I wasn’t sure, but I saw you staring longingly at them—” He nods towards Dan and Cleo and Lilly. “—and I knew. What brings you around here? I expected you to show up maybe a few months ago, but by now, I thought you’d moved on without us.”

I was tired of the words move on. Like I’d had a choice. Like the people from this town might open their arms and welcome me back into their lives. So I’d been part of the group who’d saved Hannah Donfort. So had a lot of people. It didn’t make me special and everyone here knew it.

I offer him a smile in return. “I’m looking for somebody.”

“Anybody I know?” He asks.

I shake my head. “Nah. At least nobody you would recognize.” I pause. “How’s Jessy?”

“She’s—Jessy.” He answers, like that is an answer. “I don’t know if she’ll ever really be okay with the way things happened with Richy. I wouldn’t expect her to. Obviously. But I don’t know. I think I just thought she would have gone back to her normal life by now. And then I remember that most of her life revolved around him. He was her best friend. She worked for him. And I’m trying to be patient about that. But—” He shakes his head. “Maybe you should talk to her.”

“She doesn’t know I’m in town.”

“Okay.” He hums. “So, you’re not in town for my sister. And you’re not in town for your group of friends because they’re over there and you look like you’d rather be anywhere else. There’s always Hannah, but I don’t think you knew her that well. Or at all. Would I be right to assume this is about a certain hacker who helped to find Hannah?”

“He didn’t help find Hannah.” I defend. “He was the entire reason we found Hannah. I would have never been able to do it on my own. Even with the others’ help. He’s the only reason we found out about—” I pause before I say something I maybe shouldn’t. “It doesn’t matter. He’s the only reason we found her. Everything I did was just dumb luck.”

“That wasn’t what the news said.” A voice cuts in and I turn my attention from Phil to focus on the stranger that slides into the seat beside me. Not too close—a couple inches away. I don’t recognize him. I don’t know him. But I don’t know every person in Duskwood. Maybe a total of like nine or ten. “I’m sorry to interrupt. But I heard you had a lot to do with finding Hannah Donfort. The news said you were some kind of hero.”

I offer him a tight smile. “That’s nice of them. But…if they knew my—friend—knew what he did to find her, I don’t think I would be as much of a hero as everybody says.”

“That’s noble.” He says, eyes meeting mine, and it strikes me at once how handsome he is. He has dark hair. Bright green eyes. Focus, [MC]. I scold. You have a…a someone.

My phone buzzes.

ERIC SENT A PHOTO.

ERIC: What do you make of this?

I sigh and click on the photo. It’s of—some object. Much like the one that was addressed to me on the envelope in Adam’s glove compartment. The image is a bit different—but I don’t know enough about what it means to have an answer as to why.

ME: Was this one addressed to me?

ERIC: Nope. Ash.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks.

I clear my throat. “I’m a popular person—apparently.” A thought strikes. “Have you ever heard of a place called Redlog Pines?”

Phil frowns. “No.”

I turn to look at the stranger. “You?”

“Redlog Pines is a small town about two hundred miles north of Duskwood.” He answers. “Known for their wooded forests, much like Duskwood.”

“Why are you looking into a place with forests as creepy as ours?” Phil asks, incredulously. “Didn’t you get enough of that with Hannah’s case?”

“Yeah.” I sigh. “You would think.”

“Hey, [MC]!”

I wince at the sound of Dan’s voice. Shooting Phil a look that screams please help me to which he shakes his head amusedly, I turn and plaster on a fake smile as I take in the shocked looks on Cleo and Lilly’s faces. I should have known better than to come to The Aurora and talk to Phil when the three of them were having a conversation across the room. I should have known they would sooner or later see me. I just hoped it was later.

“Hey.” I hop off my stool and make my way across the bar to them. “It’s, uh, fancy seeing the three of you here.”

“What are you doing here?” Cleo asks.

“I haven’t really figured that out.” My eyes meet Lilly’s. “It sounds crazy to say it out loud. But I was hoping that—I’m not sure if Lilly told you—”

“That Jake’s alive.” Cleo nods. “None of us ever really thought he wasn’t.”

I don’t think she means it as a dig—but it still feels like one. Like she’s saying you gave up on him you gave up on him you gave up on him even though she’s not and she didn’t really know him and the only person I can talk to at this table who even might understand is Lilly and even—Jake didn’t confide in her the way he did me.

“Right.” I acknowledge. “So I thought that maybe if I came here, I could trace his steps from when he was here and—I haven’t really thought that far ahead. It’s not like I thought he left me any clues in the forest or anything like that. I don’t think he expected me to be here. He hadn’t wanted me to be the last time we talked. But that was before everything happened.”

Lilly’s eyes track behind me. “Does Jake still have Nymos on your phone?”

“Uh.” I furrow my brows. “I think so. I hadn’t heard from him in a while, but I went back and read through our messages after I talked to Alan and…my phone glitched, like it used to when Jake had hacked it. And then this message appeared on my screen.”

“And by chance, can Nymos track your location?”

“What—” I shake my head. “Maybe. I don’t think I ever really asked him. It didn’t seem necessary at the time.”

“Uh huh.” She focuses on me once more. “Let’s say, for one minute, that Jake has access to Nymos who has access to your location.”

Cleo must catch onto something I’m not sure of. “Jake didn’t want you here.”

“Uh, thank you?”

“You know that’s not what I mean.” She waves me off. “He didn’t want you in Duskwood. He had been adamant about that when we were talking about the mine. That’s why he went. If you showed up in Duskwood—”

“Nymos would have alerted him.” Dan finishes.

“Okay…” I’m not entirely sure I’m on the same page as them. “So—you think that Jake found out when I came to Duskwood.”

“Correct.” Lilly beams like she just solved life’s greatest mystery.

“And you think he would—come find me?”

She smiles sympathetically at me—like I’m the world’s biggest idiot for not realizing what she has been trying to say sooner. “I think he already has.”

“You think Jake’s in Duskwood.” I deadpan.

“[MC].” Cleo grabs my shoulders and turns me around. “We think he’s in this bar.”

Stranger, as I had nicknamed him—AKA the guy sitting beside me at the bar, with Phil and Redlog Pines (which he probably only knew about because of me) and the whole Hannah being kidnapped and not taking any of the credit thing—was looking back at me. So was Phil. Like they thought I was the crazy one. Like it would’ve been so hard for him to look and me and say it’s me or anything that might have clued me into the fact that—

“Jake?” I whisper, because I’ve lost quite a bit of sleep over the past couple of months and I’m not one hundred percent sure what—or who—I’m seeing is real. “Are you here?”

He tilts his head and smiles at me. Actually smiles. A bit shyly, like it’s something he’s not used to doing, but maybe like it’s something he could get used to. And I think about how terrible I probably look right now because I’m not wearing makeup and my hair is tousled from constantly pulling at it and my clothes are wrinkled from the plane and the police station and I look like a mess. But our relationship has never been about looks. Clearly. I didn’t even know the person I’d been talking to until Lilly and Cleo and even Dan pointed out the obvious.

“If I—” I close my eyes and open them again. Nope. Still there. “I need you to still be there by the time I reach you because it’s been a—” I sniffle. “—it’s been a rough few months and I don’t think I could handle you disappearing again.”

He stands from the stool he was sitting on and shuffles his feet. Like he’s not quite sure where he’s supposed to stand. If he thinks about moving, I’ll tackle him onto the floor of The Aurora and then apologize to Phil later. It feels like everything I wanted is right here in front of me. And I’m scared to death that it’s not real.

“What’s one thing you would take with you if you were stranded on an island?”

His smile stretches. “My computer.”

And that—that’s what breaks me. I think I might start blubbering like an idiot but I don’t remember the time it takes for me to cross the measly twenty feet between us. All I remember is grabbing his black hoodie—because of course—and dragging him to me. I don’t kiss him, despite how much I want to, because I don’t want our first kiss to be tainted with my snot and tears. Instead, I bury my face in his collarbone and wrap my arms around his neck and hold on for dear life.

Because I can. Because he isn’t dead.

“Y—You’re here.” I pull back and cup his face with my hands. “How are you here?”

“You came to Duskwood.” He responds, and then—hesitantly—he presses his lips to my forehead in a kiss. “Alan called you.”

“He found your things in the forest.” I whisper back. “He said they’d been there a while. The police hadn’t searched the forest because they assume you died in the mine.”

“They aren’t looking for me here.” He confirms. “I didn’t expect it to take so long for them to find my belongings, but I anticipated that you would find out. At the time, it wasn’t safe for me to reach out and contact you. They kept on my trail for a while before they assumed I died in the mine with Richy.”

“Why didn’t you contact me then?” I ask. “Is it because of what I last messaged you? I didn’t mean it—I swear, I thought you were dead. If I had known you were alive, I would have waited, however long it took. I wasn’t trying to give up on you.”

“Hey.” He places both hands on either side of my face. “I know. I know that, [MC]. That was never why I didn’t reach out to you. I know you said you wanted this life with me. But I didn’t want that for you. But I was selfish. I couldn’t let you go. So I was trying to find a way to make both of those things true. But I was always coming back to you.”

“And did you?”

“Come back to you?” He asks.

I sniffle. “Find a way to make both of those things true.”

“Not entirely.” He admits. “Nymos alerted me you had boarded a plane headed in the direction of Duskwood and I—” He shook his head. “I knew I would find you here.”

“You could have found me sooner.”

He lets go of my face and he feels like he takes my skin with him. “It wasn’t that easy.”

“It could have been.” I demand.

I’m angry again. Now that I know he’s alive and okay and that he could have found me, I’m angry that he didn’t. I told him I would choose that life with him. Over and over and over. He didn’t need to make the decision for me. He didn’t need to try and protect me. And yes, maybe the fact that he did makes my heart flutter a tiny little bit, but that’s besides the point.

“I told you before you left me.” I tell him and I’m aware it sounds like we’ve been in a relationship for five years and I’m aware that everybody in here is watching and listening in on our conversation and they probably all know we’re who we are, two people involved in helping to find the kidnapped Hannah Donfort, and maybe that’s all we’ll ever be in this town. But I would rather be the girl who found Hannah Donfort in Duskwood with him than be me anywhere else. “You told me you would let me go with you.”

“That was before I told you I loved you.”

My heart skips a beat. It screams I love you I love you I love you back, but I say— “What does that have to do with anything?”

He looks somewhat amused. Like he knows I would never hold it against him. It’s clear to both of us that I wouldn’t because even though I’m glaring up at him with my furrowed eyebrows and my lips pouted, I’m still pressed tightly against him. His hands—even though they’ve moved from my face—are now resting on my hips. Pulling my tighter to him. There’s no space in between us. If it was up to me, I’m pretty sure there never would be again.

“[MC].” He says, and oh god I wish he would say my name every day for the rest of his life. “Have I—in the short time we have known each other—ever struck you as the type of person who says I love you? But with you…” His words are a whisper against my lips. “It’s easy to fall back into old emotions with you.”

“I want to be angry with you.” I tell him.

He shakes his head. “No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t.” I agree. “But I might be if you don’t kiss me.”

He brought one finger underneath my chin and tilted it up until our lips were separated by a fraction of an inch. My eyelids fluttered. I didn’t care that everyone in here was about to see just how much Jake meant to be. I didn’t care because I had waited too long for this. And then—just as I’m leaning toward him to press our lips together, he whispers— “[MC]?”

“Hm.” I acknowledge.

“Who’s Eric?”

My eyelids crack open and I shove at his chest. “That’s what you’re worried about right now? Here I am, in front of you, covered in snot and tears and who-knows-what-else because you’re here right now, and you’re worried about some guy I don’t even know?”

“Who’s Eric?” He repeats.

“Ugh.” I run my hands through my hair and take a step back. “I don’t know. He’s the other side of Thomas or whatever you want to call him. If we lived in a different town.” I glare back at him and try not to admit that I think his jealous side is a little cute. “He messaged me. Thought I picked up his friend from some parking lot and I didn’t, but his friend sent him my number, and it was Hannah all over again. I’m trying to help them.”

“This Adam has been sending you a lot of videos.”

“You know I hate when you hack my phone.” I complain, even though I really don’t. Even though I had prayed for him to help me with this case. “I really don’t know Adam. Like—even less than I know Eric.

“But you know Eric.”

“For like a week.” I reassure. “He added me to this group chat with him and like three other friends of his. They’re desperate to find Adam who has apparently dropped off the face of the earth and I don’t know what to do. I had you with Hannah’s case. And you knew her. And they—” I look over my shoulder at Cleo and Dan and Lilly, who are pretending like they’re not listening in even though I know and Jake knows they are. “—they knew her. And obviously Adam’s friends must know him but I don’t and you don’t and there is no Jake in Redlog Pines.”

“I don’t trust him.” He shakes his head. “Any of them.”

I laugh. “Jake, you didn’t trust half the people in this bar when we first started talking.” I look over at Phil and then Dan. “It doesn’t mean they committed a crime. If I had backed off when you asked me to help you find Hannah, we may never have.”

“I thought that was all thanks to me.” He sounds smug, like that little smiley face he loved to annoy me with (AKA make me fall in love with him). “Did he flirt with you?”

“No.” I deadpan. “I think he was focused on his missing friend.”

“I was focused on my missing sister.” He shoots back.

I close my mouth. Alright. He has a point. But I wasn’t flirting with Eric. He was focused on finding Adam and I was focused on mourning—and then finding—Jake. Maybe it felt like Eric and I were two sides of the same coin. Maybe that’s why I agreed to help him. Because I didn’t want to happen to him what I thought had happened to Jake—to me.

“You’re being ridiculous.” I say instead. “How do you think I could ever entertain the idea of being with somebody else when for the past three months—more than that if you count the time we have actually had together—I’ve been focused on you? On discussing Hannah with you and then talking to you about anything and everything and then worrying about you and then hating you a little for convincing me you should me the one to go into the mine and then mourning you when it was hard to even think about you and then finding you?”

His eyes are wide. I think I’ve rendered him speechless. Which—serves him right. I know he’s not somebody who serves their feelings up on a silver platter. I know that. Obviously, I knew that from the first time I spoke to him. Back when he was nothing more than ??? and I was almost convinced that Dan was right and he was the Man Without A Face—a thought that I now hate with everything in me. But I need him to trust me. Jealousy streak and FBI and the missing persons cases aside, he needs to trust me.

“Trust me.” I cup the sides of his face again. “He’s nothing like you.”

He swallows. “Some people might consider that to be a perk.”

“I don’t.” I say.

And then I’m kissing him and it feels like coming home.

[torturedtypewritersdept]

proclivity - part three - true blue

✯ pairing:

ex!bff!rafe cameron x diabetic!kook!fem!reader

✯ summary:

at one point in time rafe was your best friend. can summer romance erase all the damage he's done?

✯ [4.1k] warnings:

mature themes, mentions of anxiety, nostalgia, heartbreak, diabetes lingo, injury, ghosting, fluff and fear, domestic violence (not rafe), mean!ex!jj etc.

✯ a/n:

nothing!! please don't engage if you have a hard time with any of these topics <3 this was origianlly posted on my old blog @/illicitfixations, @/lovelornanonymity and i have rewritten + reshared it here :) trying out a new format with this post, hope you like it!

You didn’t want to – really you didn’t. The idea of you and Rafe being alone at a spot – your spot – a place, the place, that you hadn’t shared in close to two years was suffocating to say the least. You have continuously pressed replay on all the world’s worst scenarios; all the things that could go horribly wrong, that would surely break your heart into a million pieces all over again. Your feet feel clucky as they trudge through the sand and like the water that meets the land on the other side, you feel rushed into you; like the waves of a tsunami are crashing against the wall you’ve placed around your heart, the barriers are so close to breaking and they do as soon as you see him. He’s sitting, just past a sand dune, his shirt has been discarded and his hair is wet. 

“Hey, hot shot – you've been swimming without me?” 

You ask with a forced cheek. He only responds with his signature smirk. It was quiet, awkward for a moment. You couldn’t help but feel like you were being punked as you sat down beside him, his feet digging holes in the sand. You couldn’t remember the last time the notion of him being this close had crossed your mind or even seemed within reach. Which probed your next question to the boy sitting next to you. 

“Rafe.”

“Yeah?”

He questioned, with a smile on his face. 

“Can you tell me now?” 

You asked anxiously, ready for the blow of what you knew was coming – he was going to tell you why he left and you were sure that it was because of you after all. That’s the only thing that made sense in your brain. You watch him anxiously, intently as he shuffles, bringing his hand up to his hair to swoop his long locks out of his face and behind his ears. 

“Yeah, I guess I owe you that don’t I, pretty girl?” 

You’re on edge as you hear your old namesake leave his lips. He moves his hands behind him, leaning back into the sand. His skin feels hot against it, he notes. He swallows thickly and opens his mouth to speak. 

“You know I was different after my mom died, right?” 

You’re taken aback by his question – of course you know. She was the fucking sun and he’s just fucking like her; his cheeks and eyes – they belong to her. He belonged to her and it physically pains you to see him lose it after she’s passed away. You remember it all but mostly the way the bright left the blue hue of his eyes in the same moment the breath left her body. It makes your bones hurt to think about it still. 

“Yeah – how could I forget? I was too, we all were.” 

You said quickly. 

“I kept it well hidden then – until I couldn’t anymore, until I didn’t have a choice.” 

He’d replayed how he was going to tell you in his head over and over, over the last two years and finally came to the conclusion that he never ever would. But, now – at the prospect of having you within his reach again, he’s sure he’s going to spill his guts any moment. 

“Can you spit it out, drama queen?” 

You said with annoyance. So he blurted it out – rather frantically. 

“I was on drugs, okay!” 

He shouted. There was silence for a moment, you – too shell shocked to reply. 

“Look – I know you’re perfect and you’ve never done anything wrong in your life, okay? I’m sorry.” 

His eyes go dull as he braces himself for your judgemental glare. 

“What?” 

You ask in a too small voice. He doesn’t know what to say, so he stays quiet for a moment. 

“I was on drugs. Nobody knew. Then, I owed Barry a massive amount of money and he knew I loved you more than anyone, alright? So I had to cut ties.” 

He said very matter-of-factly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

You whispered and the ocean breeze made him suddenly cold, or maybe your tone of voice sent a chill up his spine. He’s truly not sure which. 

“What do you have to be sorry about, y/n?” 

He asked confusedly. 

“Not being enough – not being good enough for you to come to me and tell me the truth, that you didn’t feel like you could come to me.” 

The crack in your voice as you finished talking cut him straight to his core.     

��Pretty girl, it’s not like that, okay? I was trying to protect you.” 

Again, there was silence for a little while before either of you spoke. Rafe was trying to find the words; the ones to make you understand that you weren’t to blame. 

“You’re not messing with me, right?”

You asked suddenly. 

“What do you mean?” 

He questioned, confusedly. 

“I mean, you actually want to be near me again? You’re not messing with me?” 

You asked innocently, feeling far too insecure for his answer to be anything other than yes. 

“Of course, I want to be near you. I never wanted to stop being near you. It was just easier to cut everyone out than to explain my pain to someone else. I didn’t want to face all the disappointment either.” 

You swallowed thickly and he noticed. 

“I’m sorry. I always just assumed it was me, that I had done something.” 

You whispered, almost inaudibly. But, he heard you, loud and clear. 

“What? What could you possibly have done?” 

He asked incredulously. 

“I-I don’t know.” 

You looked down at your feet, afraid of what he was going to say next, not wanting this intimacy with him to become foreign and far off again. He gently lifted your chin so your eyes could meet his. 

“You never did anything wrong and this is not a game. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” 

He reassured you gently. 

“I appreciate you reassuring me, but it’s going to take a lot more than words for me to trust you again and I think you know that.” 

You replied, giving him the kindest smile you could muster up. It wasn’t your intention to be rude or mean to him, you just needed him to know where you stood. 

“I know. I’m sorry that I broke your trust, but I hope you know I’m going to spend every day trying to make things right between us.” 

“Okay, Cameron.”

You smiled nudging his shoulder. You made your way back to the parking lot with Rafe, not long after the conversation fizzled out. 

“Well, I think I’m gonna head home. This was fun.” 

You said with a sweet smile. 

“Let me drive you, I know you walked, you always walk here.”  

Rafe spoke, excitement in his voice. 

“Okay.” 

You agreed to his idea, smiling kindly his way, following him to the truck you had made your home ever since he had gotten his license. He was the first of the two of you to be able to drive and you had taken full advantage of that, waiting for him after football practices and in the early morning so he could cart you everywhere you needed to go. That was the first thing you missed when he had left you - the intimate car rides, where you experienced a version of Rafe that no one else got to. He opened the door for you, ushering you into the passenger seat and closing it once he made sure you were inside and comfortable. Making his way around to the driver’s side, he took his keys out of his pocket and climbed in, starting the truck. The engine roared, sending vibrations through your spine. It felt euphoric to be here, alone with him. Which was something you had dreamed about for so long. He pulled out of the beach parking lot, hands steady on the wheel, and began the trek to his neighborhood. Tannyhill had become your second home over the years, whether it was play dates with Rafe when you were six or trying on clothes with Sarah when you were fifteen, the Camerons were your family and you were thankful that your favorite one was seated next to you, a backward baseball cap sitting on his head and strong arms fixed on the wheel. You’d never get over the view. 

“Y/N?”

He spoke your name with a question in mind. 

“Yeah?”

You smiled in his direction. 

“Would you wanna come to dinner tomorrow at Tannyhill?”

He asked gently. 

“Sure, you know I never pass up Rose’s cooking! What’s the occasion?” 

You questioned with a giggle, it was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

“Just having you back, I guess.” 

He smiled sheepishly. 

“That’s sweet, Rafe.” 

You spoke softly, the blush coating your freckled cheeks. 

“Your parents are going to be there, so I figured you could just join them and we can have a big family dinner.” 

“Why are my parents going to be there?”

You questioned, confused at his comment. 

“Uh, Ward said he and your dad are working on some big business project or something.” 

He replied, not really knowing the answer to what you were asking. He had no idea what the two men were up to. 

“Ah, okay. Sure, Rafe, I’d love to come. How fancy do I have to dress, 1-10 on the fancy scale?” 

The laugh that escaped his lungs was boisterous. You and Rafe had created the fancy scale after you got bitched out by your dad’s for not dressing appropriately for Midsummer’s in the eighth grade and ever since you always warned each other of the fancy level parties or dinners would be. 

“A solid 5.” 

He retorted a laugh ever-present on his lips. He forgot how much you made him laugh and how good it felt. He was brought out of his thoughts as he pulled into the driveway, spotting your car sitting right next to your dad’s. 

“This has been fun! I missed you.” 

You spoke softly and a smile danced across Rafe’s features. 

“I missed you too, Y/N.” 

Your eyes studied his face, looking for any inkling of deception. There were none, at least not that you could see. His eyes met yours, locking in on your face and not looking away. You swallowed thickly, unsure of what to do. Having his full attention was not something you were used to anymore. 

“Thank you, Rafe. I seriously had a really good time tonight. We will do a movie night soon.” 

“Of course, you’re still my favorite girl.” 

He smiled kindly, ushering you over to your front door, lingering for moments longer than he should have, but not wanting to let you out of your sight. 

- 

Your phone rang early the next morning and as you groaned loudly, willing whoever was making your phone ring at 7 am to die, you read the contact. It was Topper. Your sluggish fingers slowly but surely slid across the screen to see what in God’s name your best friend wanted this early. 

“H-hello?”

You grumbled. 

“Wake your ass up!” 

Topper yelled into the phone. 

“T-top. I’m about three seconds from killing you. Why are you screaming into my phone so early?” 

You questioned with annoyance. 

“Get up and get dressed. We’re outside your house.” 

He said plainly. 

“Who’s we? And for what? It’s fucking 7 am?!” 

“Don’t be grumpy, princess. We just want to spend the day with your sexy little self.” 

Kelce interjected. 

“Kelce, please shut up. I’m not awake enough for your bullshit attempts at flirting with me.” 

You grumbled with a sneer behind that phone that he couldn’t see. 

“Damn, you’re a spitfire today!” 

Topper exclaimed, laughing. 

“I was up late, okay? Jesus Christ.” 

You couldn’t believe he was being so mean to you this early in the day. 

“Okay, well get up, get dressed and pack insulin and some snacks. We’re going to be gone all day.” 

He replied. 

“Top, I can’t. I have this dinner with Rafe tonight, I can’t be gone all day.” 

You were nervous to be saying anything to Topper about it at all, he knew your history with Rafe better than anyone. But, you knew you had to tell him the truth. 

“Listen, idiot, Rafe is with us. So, come on. We’ll have you both back at Tannyhill in time for your dinner, so either pack a dress or wear one. You’re not missing this.” 

You rolled your eyes, but your heart leapt at hearing you were going to spend the day with Rafe by your side whether it was in a group setting or not. 

“Fine, I’m coming, Topper! Jesus.” 

You said, feigning annoyance. 

“Told you she’s not a morning person.”

Rafe interjected, giggling. 

You grinned to yourself, realizing you were going to get to spend an entire day and night with Rafe. Scurrying out of bed, you searched through your closet in a hurry and settled on wearing a baby blue sundress with white polka dots that Rafe got you for your birthday the summer before you started high school. He always said that baby blue was your color. You slid it on quickly, pairing it with white platform sneakers and some dainty gold jewelry. You fluffed your hair and quickly packed your insulin after changing your insulin pump site and choosing a new area of your stomach to plunge the needle into. You ran through the kitchen, grabbing a few snacks and some juice to throw in your bag. Before walking out the door to Topper’s jeep, you stopped, took a breath, and smoothed your dress and hair before stepping out of the house and opening the back passenger door, hopping in, to be met with a very tired Rafe Cameron. 

“Hey, sweet cheeks! Are you done being an asshole? I need my morning kiss.” 

Kelce gave you a sly smirk and Rafe chuckled to himself, knowing pushing your buttons this early was not a good idea. 

“Kelceo, Fuck off!” 

You exclaimed with a growl, letting him know you weren’t in the mood. 

“Fine, I’ll chill. Can you blame me? Look at that dress.” 

He continued his train of putting his foot in his mouth. 

“Kelce, cool it, man.” 

Rafe spoke, his tone laced with warning. His protective nature made you smile. 

“So, what’s so important that you drug me out of bed at 7 am on a Saturday?” 

You questioned Topper. 

“My mom set us up on a tour of UNC like months ago and I forgot to tell you until this morning.” 

He replied nonchalantly, as if it wasn’t absolutely unhinged to let you know the morning of – in a way that only Topper knows how. 

“Topper, I’m going to kill you.” 

You muttered. You truly couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday, your three favorite boys, and a four-hour-long road trip. Truthfully, what could go wrong? 

You were brought out of your thoughts by Rafe’s hand touching your elbow. 

“Y/N?”

He was saying your name in question again. 

“Sorry, I was zoned out. What’s up?” 

You asked. 

“Have you eaten yet?” 

He asked in a gentle, hushed tone not wanting to draw everyone's attention to the two of you. 

“No.” 

You replied just as quietly. 

“Go ahead and eat, okay? I read that being up on your feet all day can be hard on your body.” 

You were shell shocked for just a second – he cared enough to read about what your life is like?

“You’ve been reading about diabetes?”

You questioned. 

“Of course I have, you’re my favorite girl.” 

He said it again. 

“Thanks, Rafe. That’s so sweet.” 

He smiled in response and watched as you took the banana out of your bag and began to eat it. When you finished, Topper was pulling into a gas station and asked you to come in with him to pick out some snacks while Rafe and Kelce pumped gas. As you made your way inside, rummaging through the aisles of various snacks, Topper began the inevitable best friend questioning that you knew was bound to happen eventually. 

“So, you and Cameron, huh?”

He teased, knowing your history of being in love with him since you were six. 

“I don’t think he feels that way. I’m just happy to have him back.” 

You gave Topper a kind smile. 

“So, what happened? I mean was there a conversation? Did he at least apologize?” 

“Yeah, Top. He did.” 

You said, matter-of-factly. 

“Y/N, if you don’t tell me everything right now, I’m going to fucking combust.” 

He said with urgency as he giggled. 

“Okay, okay. Jesus! So, we met up at our spot the day after the party and he told me the truth. I have a feeling that it’s not all of it, but he seemed genuine and i’m assuming it’ll all come out in layers over time.” 

“Why do you say that?” 

He questioned with curiosity. 

“Because it seemed like there was more to the story, more to tell. I got a very shrunken down version.” 

You replied.

“Well, if you need me to beat his ass I will. You just let me know.” 

He spoke with a devilish smirk that you knew meant he was both serious and joking. 

“Thanks, Top.” 

You laughed. 

“Of course, you know I always have your back.” 

He replied, snaking an arm around your shoulders. 

“Anyways, so we talked about the drugs and why he felt like he couldn’t talk to me, and then he told me he was sorry and he wanted to be friends again. He drove me home and asked me to come to dinner tonight at Tannyhill. I said, yes, so here we are. Oh, and I told him about me being sick at the party-”

“You did what?!” 

You were cut off with an incredulous question and raised eyebrows from Topper. 

“Yeah, I told him a little about getting sick when we ended things and he didn’t even run like I thought he would.” 

You said with a soft, sweet smile. Topper couldn’t remember the last time he had seen you smile like that. 

“I told you he wouldn’t. He loves you.” 

He replied easily, the truth of the words flew out of his mouth so effortlessly. 

“Yeah, we’ll see. I’m not 100% on board yet. I don’t want to get my hopes up and then he runs away again.” 

Topper shrugged, he couldn’t disagree with your reservations after the last couple years you’d had. You’d been through so much. All he wanted was to see you happy and he knew if the timing was right Rafe would treat you so well. He’d truly changed. 

“That’s understandable and valid. Just don’t write him off yet. He might surprise you.” 

He said with an easy smile. 

“Thanks, Top.” 

The two of you shared a hug after exiting the convenience store, with snacks in hand. As you made your way back to the jeep, Rafe admired your form, watching the wind raking through the skirt of your dress. 

“Welcome back, pretty girl. Are you ready for our morning kiss, yet?” 

Kelce asked again, sweetly this time. He was starting to get on your nerves. 

“Kelceo, cool it.” 

Topper stated, climbing into the driver's seat. Kelce was annoying everyone today, kidding or not. 

You climbed into the backseat again, plopping down next to Rafe. His sparkling blue eyes took in your smiling form as you tore into a bag of popcorn. 

“How are you feeling, sweet girl?” 

Rafe questioned, studying your form with his piercing blue eyes. Sweet girl. You hadn’t heard that in a long time and it felt warm against your ears.

“I’m feeling pretty good right now. But, my sugar is low.” 

You smiled in his direction. 

“How do you know it’s low?” 

He asked with genuine curiosity. 

“I have this app on my phone, see.” 

You turned your phone screen around, which displayed your glucose monitor’s readings. Your blood sugar was low, reading 76 mg/dL. Which was not low enough to warrant panic, but also not high enough to be considered normal.  

“So, if 76 is low, what’s considered normal?” 

Rafe probed in a genuinely curious fashion.

“Generally, the goal is to keep the daytime blood sugar levels before meals between 80 and 130 mg. But, after-meal numbers are a little bit higher but shouldn’t be more than 180 mg.” 

You explained simply. 

“Oh, okay. That makes sense. Will you tell me if you start to feel bad?” 

He questioned. It made you smile that you seemed to be falling back into your rhythm so easily. 

“I won’t have to. You’ll know. But, I promise I will.” 

You gave him a reassuring smile and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. The touch, though short-lived, was electric and you wondered if he felt it too. The music topper was playing lulled you to sleep all of thirty minutes into the road trip and you were beginning to stir as soon as he pulled into the UNC visitor’s parking lot.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” 

Rafe ran his fingers through your hair, scratching it in a circular motion. Your favorite way to wake up. When you opened your eyes, you jolted up, embarrassed, realizing your head was on Rafe’s shoulder and drool was pooling at the corner of your mouth, dripping onto the gray t-shirt he was wearing. You turned your head towards him with apologetic eyes as you took in his face, the sweet disposition oozing out of him, as his eyes smiled at you before his mouth did. 

“I’m sorry I drooled on you.”

You spoke sheepishly. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Not the first time, definitely won’t be the last.” 

He chuckled, giving you his classic Rafe Cameron smile before getting out of Topper’s jeep and making his way to the passenger side to open yours for you. As you began to climb out of the car, he picked up your bag, carrying it for you. 

“Thanks, Rafe. You don’t have to carry it, though.”

You said, beaming up at him. 

“You look so pretty today, I think I’d do anything you asked of me.” 

He blurted out without thinking and your eyes went wide as your cheeks filled with a blush. 

“You are so sweet, Rafe. Thank you.” 

He nodded and smiled your way, yet again. 

“I’ll carry it. It will make me feel better if you have a glucose emergency if I know where it is.” 

He stated, matter-of-factly, as he placed the brown leather backpack on his shoulder. His words created a flutter in your stomach. 

“Okay, losers! Come on, we gotta check-in at the visitor’s center.” 

Topper remarked. You and Rafe began following him and Kelce to the front of the building. Topper quickly went inside and left the three of you waiting on the steps as he went to collect your program information, campus maps, and name tags. When he came back out of the door, he handed each of you your designated packets of information and began explaining what the game plan was. 

“Okay, so in each of these packets is information specific to your major. Y/N and Rafe, you’re in a group and then me and Kelce are in a group because our majors and buildings are on the same sides of campus. Go through the packet, it’s got a scavenger hunt and then instructions for meeting the bigger tour group after lunch. We will see you guys then.” 

He finished what he was saying and Rafe was already moving, ready to get away from Topper and Kelce and celebrate his alone time with you. 

“Okay, sounds good.” 

Rafe spoke, taking the packet of information from Topper’s hands, and turning to you with a smile. 

“You ready?” 

He questioned with a smile. 

“As I'll ever be, lead the way, Cameron.” 

You gestured to the sidewalk in front of you, beaming up at his tall form, opting to go the opposite direction of Kelce and Topper. 

Topper and Kelce quickly scurried off, putting you and Rafe alone again, finally. You love the other two stooges with every fiber of your being, but you’d always loved Rafe more. If soulmates were a thing, he was yours in a platonic way of course, because there’s no way he felt about you the way you felt about him. You were okay with that. Rafe in any way, shape, or form was enough for you, as long as you had him in some way, you’d be okay. As Rafe began talking to you, you were brought out of your daydream. 

“So, what do you want to hit first, the football field?” 

He asked sarcasm present in his tone, though playful and innocent. 

“Sure, if you’re gonna be playing here, we should check it out first.” 

You gave him a small smile. 

“Are you thinking about coming here in all seriousness?” 

“Yeah, I was offered a full scholarship for cheer and academics pending my final grades next year.” 

“What?! That’s amazing, Y/N!” 

“Thanks, Rafe. I wish my brother thought so.” 

“What do you mean? Hasn’t he wanted you to go to UNC like forever?” 

He asked, confusion ever-present in his voice. 

“I mean, yeah. He’s just been different ever since I got sick.” 

“What do you mean?”

He questioned. 

“It’s like most of the time, I’m a bug he’s trying to swat away.” 

You replied with nonchalance, though Rafe could register the pain in your voice. 

“Maybe he just worries about you?” 

He asked, suggestively. 

“Maybe. I don’t know. You’ll see tonight what I mean.” 

You muttered. 

“Well if it makes you feel any better, we’ll be here together. At UNC, I mean.” 

He said with a sweet smile. 

“Really?!” 

The joy that riddled your face made Rafe smile. 

“Yeah, I’ve got some scouts coming to see me play in the fall and I’m excited. UNC is my dream school, though. So even if I have to be a walk-on or not play at all, I’ll still be coming here. They’ve already given me a scholarship.” 

“As they should, Mr. Valedictorian.” 

You smiled brightly at him. 

“Hey, how do you know I’m valedictorian?!” 

He chuckled but was surprised. He had never talked to anyone about his class standing. 

“Well, I did some digging after realizing I was second in our class, and to my surprise, my favorite Cameron was the one that beat me out.” 

You gave him a sly smile. 

“Since when am I your favorite Cameron?” 

He asked jokingly, though the notion made his heart soar. 

“Since always.” 

“Oh, come on! You and Sarah have been thick as thieves for the last two years.” 

“Maybe. Sarah’s always been a good friend to me. Topper and Kelce too. But, you’ve always been number one in my heart, I hope you know that.” 

The kindness exuded from your eyes. You meant every word. 

“You’re something else, you know that.” 

He chuckled, but you suddenly felt like you had said the wrong thing, swallowing thickly. He observed your form, realizing where your mind had gone. 

“No, no, I mean that in a good way. There’s just no one like you. You’ve always been just so perfect. It’s hard to measure up.” 

“It’s a facade, trust me.” 

You spoke, rolling your eyes at the notion that anything that had anything to do with you was in the same category as perfect. You were brought out of your thoughts as the two of you made your way to the entrance of the football field, following other students into the gates. Rafe looked on in awe at what would be his stomping grounds in just a few short years, his eyes sparkled as he daydreamed about the baby blue uniform he’d get to wear with his name and number sewn into the back. He’d get to matter here. He’d get to be somebody other than Ward Cameron’s son. He’d hope to make you his girl, here. But, quickly pushed that thought down as you began speaking to him. 

“What? Are you imagining all of your fans screaming your name? All the girls throwing themselves at you?”

You chuckled. 

“Nope. Just one.” 

“Shutup! Who is it, Cameron? You have to tell me!” 

“You’ll know soon enough, you know how bad I am with secrets.” 

You giggled and its music to his ears. 

“Boy do I! Remember that time in second grade when we brought that puppy to my house from the street and we were only able to hide it from my mom for three hours before you blabbered?!” 

“Not my best secret-keeping moment.”

He chuckled, remembering that day with you. Your soft curls that too often fell on your face and the look of pure fear in your eyes when your mom found out about the puppy. 

“That was a good day.” 

You spoke softly. 

“Yeah, it was.” 

The two of you stood side by side, Rafe’s shoulders towering over you, as you both looked onto the field that would be your home for four years. Excitement stirred in your gut at the chance to get out of the Outer Banks, out of Kildare fucking county with your best friends in the entire world and you simply, couldn’t wait. You hoped the next two years would fly by so you could get out of your hometown, finally fall in love, and forget that Kooks and Pogues even existed. 

“Okay, Cameron. Let’s go check out the buildings where our classes will be.” 

“Sounds good, pretty girl.” 

He smiled at you and placed his hand on the small of your back as he led you out of the stadium and back to the quad. Once you made it away from the large crowd inhabiting the stadium, you probed Rafe with another question. 

“So, what are you majoring in, big guy?” 

“I haven’t fully decided. Dad wants me to be a business and marketing major, but I am really into the idea of English lit. What about you?” 

“I’m English Literature with a concentration in creative writing and a minor in entrepreneurship.” 

“Nice! What do you want to do with that?” 

He probed, curious about your career path. 

“I’m not sure, yet. Maybe teach English or become a writer. All I know is that writing and reading makes me feel alive and I’d like to chase that high as long as I can.” 

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

You instantly recognized the words he was stringing together into a sentence. 

“Rafe Cameron, are you quoting Dead Poets Society to me?” 

You smiled so widely at him. This version of Rafe was different. It was one you had seen glimpses of over the years, but this one, he was your person. You were sure of it. 

“Don’t all the guys you talk to do that?” 

“What? Do you mean the ever-so-educated JJ Maybank who cares about feelings and reading? Yeah, no. I can’t say that they do.” 

You scoffed into a laugh at Rafe’s joke slash question. 

“Okay, that’s fair.” 

He said, letting out a boisterous belly laugh. 

“Let’s go look at the Business Administration building first.” 

You suggested and Rafe agreed with your idea. Since you both would have classes in both buildings, it truly didn’t matter which you explored first. As you made your way to the building across the quad, your phone started dinging. Your stupid blood sugar, ruining things again. 

“What’s that noise?” 

Rafe questioned. 

“It’s my glucose monitor on my phone. It’s low again.” 

You looked on at him, defeated. He gently lifted your bag off of his shoulders and took your phone out and looked down at the readings. 76 mg, way too low for his comfort and probably for yours too. 

“It’s 76 mg, Y/N. What do I need to do?” 

“Look for anything in my bag with carbs and I'll check again in 15 minutes.” 

You reply without the urgency that Rafe is feeling. 

“Okay, let’s sit down for the time being. You don’t look like you feel great.” 

He motioned to the bench, just off the sidewalk, close to the arboretum. He knew you wanted to see it before you left campus today, so this was the perfect spot. 

“I’m okay, just sluggish. I thought I was just tired from last night.” 

You let Rafe lead you to sit, his hand on the small of your back. You took his hand as he motioned you down onto the bench and he felt you shaking. Rafe looked through the bag, examining its contents, quickly. 

“Okay, there’s bread and a banana. Which is better?” 

“Give me the bread. It’s this banana nut bread I make every week.” 

“You amaze me you know that?” 

He gave you a soft smile and unwrapped the bread from the Ziploc bag it sat in, handing it to you. 

“Thank you, Rafe, really, it means the world to have you here and to have your help.” 

“Anything for you, I mean that. Are you thirsty?” 

“Yeah, there’s water in there, too.” 

He nodded, reaching back into the bag to retrieve the water bottle and handing it to you. 

“After we get your levels back up, let’s go into the arboretum, and then we will grab some lunch.” 

“Sure, thanks, Rafe. I love the Arboretum here, it’s so beautiful!” 

“Yeah, I know. You’ve only been talking about visiting it since we were ten.” 

“You remember that?” 

“I remember everything you tell me.” 

You blushed at his confession. You sat there, just chatting back and forth for the fifteen minutes it took for the food to settle before you checked your blood sugar again. Rafe pulled your phone back out of your bag and looked at the screen. 100 mg. We’re back in business baby!

“88 mg, back to normal, pretty girl.” 

He spoke, blush coating your cheeks and you watched the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile. 

“Thanks, Rafe. You’ve been so good about all of this. It scares most people.” 

You thank him sheepishly. 

“I’m not most people, you know that.” 

He stood up from the bench, placing your backpack on his shoulders once more, and gently took your hand in his, lifting you to your feet. He led you to the sidewalk and you began your trek to the arboretum, his hand on the small of your back once again. You tried not to read too much into his hands constantly being close to you, you and Rafe had always had an intimate relationship that was very hands-on. As you made your way toward the greenhouse, you felt a raindrop hit your nose and before your brain could process what your orbs had just taken in, the bottom of the sky fell out and rain poured from the sky. The same way your eyes leaked when you and Rafe had stopped speaking. As the rain-drenched your clothes, you and Rafe shared a mischievous look, before he grabbed your hand and you both took off running toward your destination. It seemed like you had been running forever when you made it inside the doors of the greenhouse. Once you finally shook the water off of your bodies, reminiscent of a wet dog shaking his fur violently, you had a minute to take Rafe in. The light from the lightning lit up his drenched features. He took his baseball cap off, shaking it out and ringing out the water from his shirt. As he turned to look at you, you moved into him, eyes locking with his, his tall muscular form standing over you. You’re not sure what’s come over you, maybe it’s the care he’s shown you or how different he is now. But, you couldn’t take too much time to process what you were feeling or what you were thinking. The next few moments felt like a scene from a movie, as you placed your hands on his cheeks and kissed his lips, deeply, a moan escaping your lips. He was quick to pull away, bewilderment in his eyes. 

“I-I’m sorry, Rafe. I read the signals wrong.” 

“I’m not sorry because you didn’t misread anything.” 

And just like that, Rafe Cameron was kissing you, gently, deeply, madly, clothes drenched in rainwater and with ecstasy-filled eyes. Rafe Goddamn Cameron was kissing you and you fucking loved it. 

taglist:

@maybankslover @inthelibrarybtw @luvrcndy @silkylovey @yagirlwrites @obxbabygirl @rafeecameronsbitch @klutzy-kay24 @roseczbalt

[forest-hashira]

2 Be Loved

this has sat in my drafts for... idk exactly how long, a month at least, because i was trying to decide if i even wanted to post it here. i wrote this for myself when i was Going Through It with my depression. now that i've sat on it a while, and i've generally been doing better, i've decided it's time to go ahead and share this. i hope you all enjoy it, and that it brings you some level of comfort or reassurance if you need it 💜

read on ao3 here | wc: ~2.4k | cw: gender neutral reader, plus size reader, mental health issues (reader is in a depressive episode), emotional hurt/comfort, some fluff at the end, really this is very self ship coded

You’d spent practically the whole day in bed. And the day before that, and the day before that, and probably the day before that, too. You’d lost count, honestly; all the days bleeding together and blurring in the fog of your mind. 

This was far from the first time this had happened, and you knew it would also be far from the last. Your emotional state had been a rollercoaster for most of your life, and had only become more volatile in the last few years. You would be fine, until you suddenly realized you were decidedly not fine, with some realizations being more gentle than others.

Like this time, for example. You hadn’t suddenly buckled under the weight of the world, but instead had woken up one morning and felt paralyzed; even just the idea of getting out of bed, for any reason, felt insurmountable. So you simply… didn’t. You stayed in bed and slept between episodes of your favorite TV show, grasping for anything that might stop you from sinking further into the depths of your depression. 

Satoru had been as patient as ever, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead and whispering a little “I love you,” before he’d left for work. He knew you struggled this way sometimes, and had never been anything but supportive and loving. Suguru had called in “sick”, opting to spend the day taking care of you, which mostly consisted of slipping in and out of sleep all day and occasionally bringing a snack from the kitchen. Satoru had joined you back in bed as soon as he got home from work, effectively squishing you between himself and Suguru, where you were helpless to do anything but let them love you.

It had reduced you to tears, shoulders shaking as ugly, half choked sobs tore themselves from your chest. They had let you cry, not rushing to try and quiet you as they might have done when they were younger; they let you get it out of your system, only stepping in to comfort you when you started to speak. 

“I’m sorry,” you’d cried, eyes shut tight as you tried to avoid their gaze. “I’m sorry I’m…” you’d struggled for words then, losing them between your hiccuping sobs and the darkness that clouded your mind. 

“I’m too much,” you’d come up with eventually. “My emotions are too messy, and my mind doesn’t work right… I feel like all I do is cause problems for both of you. Like all I do is hold you back and drag you down.”

You hadn’t seen the look they’d exchanged, the pain that pinched their features, but you had felt the way they pressed in closer, as if they could crush the depression out of you. 

“You are not too much,” Satoru had murmured, gently tilting your head up to meet his gaze, his cerulean eyes sparkling in the low light from the lamp on your bedside table. “You could never be too much, not to me – to us.” His thumb brushed lightly along your cheekbone, delicately wiping the tears from your skin even as they were replaced with more. “We love you so much, y’know? I love you so much. Taking care of you is not a chore, or a burden.”

You’d shaken your head, unable to believe his words. “You can’t possibly mean that.”

“But we do,” Suguru had been the one to speak that time. “You mean it when you tell me the same thing when I’m depressed, right?”

“Of course I do.” There wasn’t any hesitation as the words left your lips. “Taking care of you is a privilege.”

“Then why can’t you believe we feel the same way about taking care of you?”

His words had left you reeling, so much so that you almost didn’t hear Suguru when he continued. 

“Satoru’s right, angel. I love you. We adore you, and we want to take care of you. Always.”

As Suguru had hugged you tighter with one arm and pressed gentle kisses to your shoulder, he’d placed his other hand on your white haired lover’s hip, keeping him as close as possible. Satoru had been eager to oblige, snuggling into you as much as possible. He’d brushed your hair from your face and pressed a kiss to your forehead, one hand cradling your face while the other reached across you to settle on Suguru’s hip. They had effectively caged you in, both with their bodies and with their love. It had shattered you, reduced you to tears again, but they hadn’t minded; they were there to hold you together, to pick up the pieces when you couldn’t do it alone. 

Through some unspoken agreement, your boys switched places the next day; Suguru had gone into work while Satoru had called out “sick” to take care of you. They did their best not to leave you alone for too long whenever they could help it, but they could only get away with calling out sick when everyone knew the two of them were perfectly healthy; when the higher ups knew that you were the one keeping the two special grades and teachers from fully doing their jobs.

A few days passed with your lovers taking turns staying home with you, until one day they both called out to stay home, though you didn’t realize that at first, since Suguru was quick to return to you in bed, holding you close as you drifted off again, faintly away of the sound of the front door closing and locking before you were fully asleep. 

When you woke up again, the first thing you were aware of was the fact that you were alone in bed. At almost the same moment, though, you heard music coming from what you guessed what the kitchen, though you couldn’t quite tell, since the bedroom door was shut; wherever it was coming from, it was definitely upbeat pop music, so you knew for certain Satoru was the one who had turned it on.

With no small amount of effort, you pushed yourself into a sitting position, rubbing your eyes for a moment and yawning before you crawled off the bed on Satoru’s side. You shuffled over to the dresser then, opening drawers and grabbing clothes pretty much at random. You wound up in a black sweatshirt and a pair of light blue sweatpants, both of which were at least two sizes too big for you, which even your fuzzy brain knew meant they weren’t actually your clothes; they belonged to your two giants of lovers.

Once you were dressed, you turned back to the nightstand, grabbing one of Suguru’s hair ties to pull your hair out of your face with, and, after a deep breath, you decided to brave the kitchen.

Opening the door to the bedroom allowed you to fully hear the music that was playing, and you were a little surprised to realize it was in English, rather than Japanese. Satoru liked to listen to anything that was happy and upbeat enough, but he – understandably – had a bit of a preference for J pop music. 

Still a little surprised by the music choice and a little foggy from sleep, you make your way to the kitchen in a bit of a daze. Both Satoru and Suguru were in the kitchen: Suguru at the counter, mixing something in the stand mixer, while Satoru danced around to the music, occasionally trying to steal a bit of whatever Suguru had in the mixing bowl, and being effectively swatted away every time. You stood in the doorway for a few moments in silence, just watching them in utter adoration.

Eventually, though, Satoru noticed you, and he got a bright grin on his face as he raced over to you. “You got out of bed!” he gushed, wrapping you up in a tight hug and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m so proud of you, mochi,” he murmured against your scalp, and something about the nickname in combination with the praise made you feel like you were going to melt into a puddle right then and there. 

Just as suddenly as he had engulfed you in a hug, the white haired sorcerer was releasing you, lunging for where he’d left his phone on the counter by the bluetooth speaker he was using for the music. You watched curiously as he opened his playlist, hastily skipping through a handful of songs before he got to the one he was apparently looking for. Seeming pleased with himself, he made sure the song was playing, turned the volume up a little bit, then turned back to you with that sparkling grin of his. 

You blinked in surprise when you heard the singer’s voice, and you looked up at him with a look of complete bafflement. “I didn’t know you listened to Lizzo.”

He sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. “No, baby, you gotta listen to the lyrics!” he insisted, taking your hands and doing a very small little dance with you right there in the doorway. 

Though part of you wanted to argue, you had never been good at resisting your energetic lover, and this time was no exception. Before you even nodded, Satoru already knew you’d given in to him, and he pulled you a bit closer to himself as he started singing along with the lyrics. And not quietly, either: he sang them with all the enthusiasm in his body, and though you hated to admit it, it was contagious, even in your depressed state.

By the end of the first verse, you were smiling, a small laugh escaping you at your lover’s almost puppyish behavior. When the chorus came around, you started singing along as well, and you noticed belatedly that Satoru was singing the lines of the background singers, rather than the main chorus, like you were. 

“Am I ready?”

“You deserve it now.”

“‘Cause I want it!”

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

“Am I ready?”

“You gon’ figure it out.”

“To be loved, to be loved.”

Your singing faltered then, and you stared up at Satoru for a moment, suddenly realizing why he’d picked this song to serenade you with. He stopped singing as well, smiling gently down at you as he watched you fit the puzzle pieces together in your mind.

“We’ve always been ready to love you.”

The sound of Suguru’s voice from behind you caused you to startle a bit, but you looked up at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. 

“Are you ready to let us love you again?” His tone held no resentment, no bitterness, only gentle adoration, and you were certain that if Satoru didn’t still have a solid grip on your hands, you would have sunk to your knees with the overwhelming realization of how much these two men adored you, despite how much your mind sometimes tried to convince you they shouldn’t.

Unable to find your voice, you nodded, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill down your cheeks. You allowed your eyes to flutter shut for a moment as Suguru leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of your head, but just a few seconds later, Satoru was tugging you back into his space, spinning you around so your back was to his chest. The song was still playing and he was apparently still determined to get you to dance with him.

Suguru laughed softly at his lover’s antics, shaking his head slightly at Satoru and offering you a slight shrug when you looked up at him for some sort of explanation.

Now the subject of Satoru’s whims, you allowed him to dance around the kitchen with you in his arms, still singing along with the song, though now his volume was lower, as he sang the words down at you. You smiled, allowing yourself to get lost in the warmth of his love, even if his fingers were cold where they wrapped around your own. 

“He call me Melly, he squeeze my belly.”

Your eyes flew open as Satoru sang the words, his chilly hands coming down to squeeze at the soft flesh of your stomach, the touch pulling a rather undignified squeak from your lips, but he just continued to beam down at you. He wasn’t going along with the lyrics of the song to make fun of you – he’d expressed to you enough times that he adored the soft pudginess of your body for you to know he meant it – but it still surprised every time he made sure to pay special attention to the squishier parts of you.

The sound of your squeak pulled another laugh from Suguru, and though at first you were planning to glare at him, you couldn’t go through with it; not when his expression was full of so much love and relief. He crossed the kitchen to reach you again, whatever was in the mixer long forgotten in favor of you. When he reached out for you, going to him was easier than breathing. He pulled you close, pressing his lips to the crown of your head as he swayed around the kitchen with you. The movement didn’t match the energy of the song at all, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. You were safe and secure in his arms, and Satoru had enough energy for all three of you; it was impossible not to watch him as he danced around the kitchen, white hair and blue eyes shining, and he flashed you that brilliant grin of his every time he caught your gaze. 

Things weren’t suddenly perfect; Lizzo and dancing in the kitchen was not a magical fix-it for the irregularities in your emotional state, but it was certainly a stepping stone back to your normal. And you knew, without any doubt in your mind, that you would have the support and full confidence of your lovers behind you every step of the way. They were your way back to yourself, after all. Suguru was your anchor in stormy seas, tethering you to something real, something sturdy; Satoru was the lighthouse calling you home when the waters calmed enough for you to move again.

i hope you guys have enjoyed seeing some of my other stuff i hadn't yet shared here! though i can't promise when i'll have anything new, know that i am working on things now + am preparing things for my upcoming milestone event!!! take care of yourselves as best you can 💜. divider by cafekitsune

tagging: @kentohours @mitsuristoleme @marinnnnnnnnn @witchbybirth @peachdues

[odyssean-flower]

The Winding Path of Fate Chapter 14 - The Art of Pretending

Masterpost

Pairing: Neuvillette x Female Reader Summary: You and Neuvillette prepare for the meeting with F

Note: If you want to be on the taglist for this fic, please make a reply to this post, send a message or send a private ask

Have a pic of Neuvillette standing on ichor

Previous | Next

By the next day, your ankle was mostly healed, although it still felt a little tender when you placed too much pressure on it. You spent most of the day sitting at home, brooding over the impending meeting.

One big issue kept popping up over and over again: the very likely possibility that Furina would see your marriage for the sham it was.

Neuvillette had assured you that it would be quite difficult for her to force a divorce, but you doubted that she would be pleased either way. Suppose she decides to reveal our marriage to the whole world…I don’t think I can handle that.

You were not one to take interest in celebrity gossip, but whenever a scandal occurred, even you found it difficult to avoid the bold headlines on the front pages and the endless discussions around you. You could only imagine how much worse it would get when the news came out that the aloof Chief Justice was in a secret marriage.

You tried not to think of such things, but these pessimistic thoughts kept buzzing around your head like annoying mosquitoes. You found yourself slowly counting down the hours until Neuvillette returned. You needed his calming presence right about now.

And, there was another reason why you were eagerly waiting for him...

“So, how do I look?”

You stood before Neuvillette in the new outfit you were going to wear for tomorrow’s meeting. He was once again sitting in your room, his legs crossed and his hands clasped in his lap. He had seemed oddly enthusiastic when you asked him to come to your room so you could model the outfit for him, but there was no trace of that excitement now as he surveyed you from top to bottom.

When he didn’t say anything after a few moments, you began to get nervous. It occurred to you just then that you ought to have done a twirl or something, but your legs seemed to be transfixed in place by his scrutinizing gaze. You could almost feel his gaze physically, like a gentle breeze, as it traveled from the delicate lace at your collar to the white sash that encircled your waist to the flared lavender skirt that reached all the way to your knees. The dress had caught your eye as soon as you entered the shop, and the others immediately agreed that it looked perfect on you (though they also seemed under the impression that you had chosen it because the color was the same shade as Neuvillette’s eyes, which had only occurred to you as a fleeting thought, no more than that). It was the kind of dress you’d wear to a tea party—not too formal, but nothing overly casual either.

Oh…does he not like it? You inspected his expression, but detected no trace of dislike there. At least, you didn’t think there was. You had lived with Neuvillette for a few months now and thought you were becoming quite adept at reading his face, but it was still difficult at times. Maybe I should change into something else…no, wait. Why does it matter if he likes it or not? It’s a meeting, not a date or anything like that. And even if it was a date, why should I care if he doesn’t like my dress? Gah…

Oblivious to your internal turmoil and your sweaty palms, Neuvillette crossed his legs again and tilted his head to the side. His gaze was now resting on your face. You felt heat creep up your neck and willed it to stay out of your cheeks.

“My apologies for not saying anything right away. I was simply caught off guard by how different you look. Not in a bad way, I assure you. Far from it.” he added the last part quickly, and then smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. It lit up his whole face and made him look different somehow. More approachable…more human. It sent a nervous flutter through your stomach. But it was nothing compared to what his next words did to you. “You look like a Pluie Lotus come to life.”

Now you definitely felt the heat in your face, and you awkwardly looked down to hide it. Your hair hid him from view, but you could have sworn you heard a sharp exhale from him, sounding almost like a laugh. You quickly looked up, ready to glare at him, but his face was as impassive as ever, except for the mirthful light dancing in his eyes. Hmph. He’s quick.

“…Pluie Lotuses, huh. They’re very pretty flowers,” you said.

“Indeed they are. As are you.”

You stared at him, and he looked back at you with a steady gaze. Your fingers twitched a little.

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you,” you said at last, because you weren’t sure what to say or do. It was rare for you to get compliments on your appearance. You decided to stare at the wall behind Neuvillette.

“Why thank me? It is the truth. Besides, I am only reciprocating your words to me back on our date.”

“Oh…that.” Thinking back on it now, you could only cringe at your behavior from that time. Something must have been in the air on that boat ride. “I suppose we’re even, then.”

Neuvillette simply made a “Hmm” sound and sipped from his cup, his eyes lingering on you over the rim of his cup. Do I really look that different? You wondered.

You sat down on the chair facing Neuvillette, ready to get down to business. “Neuvillette, we should think of what to say to Lady Furina tomorrow. Has she given you any hints as to what she will ask us?”

Perhaps you should have prepared a notebook or flashcards.

“No, she has not.”

“What about for your past relationships, then? What did she ask before?”

Neuvillette blinked at you in confusion. “What do you mean, Madame?”

“Haven’t you ever brought your past lovers to meet her?”

As Neuvillette continued to stare at you as though you had just spoken an incomprehensible language, you began to wonder if you had overstepped your bounds. You probably had. But just as you opened your mouth to tell him to forget about it, he spoke.

“I have not. You’re the first person I’ve done this with,” he said flatly.

Now it was your turn to blink in surprise. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“Huh…” you were taken aback, but thinking about it a bit more, why would Neuvillette bring his past paramours to meet the Archon? It wasn’t as though he needed her permission to date anyone, and a lover was on a different level than a spouse. “I see,” you nodded to yourself, convinced and completely oblivious to the frown tugging at the corners of Neuvillette’s lips.

“Are you worried about tomorrow? There is no need to be. As I’ve said before, there is very little Furina can do to interfere with our marriage, and besides,” he paused here and glanced down at your hands, which you only realized just then were tightly clenched into fists. He reached out and covered them with his own hands, his fingers gently prying yours loose. “You will not be alone. I will be with you. Furina may seem intimidating in front of a large crowd, but you’ll find that she is quite different in more intimate settings.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re used to dealing with her,” you muttered, but you did feel your heart lighten a little bit by the steady weight of Neuvillette’s hands. It was difficult to feel too worried when you were with him. All the troubles in the world seemed to dissipate in his presence. “But still…”

“What is it, Madame? Tell me your worries.”

“It’s just…wouldn’t Lady Furina take issue with the fact that you got married so quickly and secretly, and to someone like me who’s barely known in society? You aren’t exactly known for making hasty decisions like that. She might have questions about that.”

It was possible that Furina didn’t know you and Neuvillette had only known each other for a month before marrying, but it was better to not assume.

“I am under the impression that it is not unusual for people to marry after a short period of courting. That is what I observed, at least. And you may not know this, Madame, but secret marriages are not as uncommon as you might think, particularly among the nobility.”

“Mm, I suppose you do have a point…” Maybe you were overthinking this. A marriage was a marriage, no matter how suddenly occurred. Neuvillette was asked to find a spouse, which he had properly accomplished. Furina might have her complaints about the way it happened, but she couldn’t deny the legitimacy of the marriage.

“It is not something for you to worry about. Leave all the explanations to me. After all, it was I who proposed to you. I was the one who dragged you into this situation in the first place.” Neuvillette’s hands did not leave yours, and you made no move to pull your hands away. “I do not believe it would be a long meeting, so we should have ample time for shopping afterward.”

“Mm…I hope you’re right,” you fidgeted a little in your chair. Everything Neuvillette said was logical and correct. You couldn’t find any holes in his argument. But then there was the elephant in the room…

“There is something else bothering you.” Neuvillette’s tone wasn’t a questioning one. “Tell me.”

“Would we not have to…pretend to be in love in front of Lady Furina?”

Neuvillette stared at you for a long moment. Oh, so it hasn’t occurred to him at all.

“Could you…elaborate on that?” he said at last.

“Well…” you inwardly cursed yourself for bringing it up. “Lady Furina knows that we’re married, so she probably expects us to have some degree of romantic feelings for each other. And also, it is generally believed that people who have a quick wedding in secret have, um, an excess of such feelings, so I was thinking that it would be more convincing if we displayed affection for each other.”

“I do not understand why we must convince anyone of our marriage. It was officially registered, witnessed, and known to everyone who needed to know. In my opinion, that is enough, is it not?”

“On paper, yes, but if we act too distant, it would raise suspicion and lead to more prying into our lives. Maybe…maybe she would even assume something scandalous occurred.”

You realized how ridiculous the idea was as soon as it left your lips. Neuvillette being forced to marry someone because he got them pregnant. It had about as much likelihood of happening as all the water draining out of Fontaine.

Neuvillette blinked rapidly at your words. He seemed to understand what you were implying. He took a sip of water, looked at you, then raised his cup to his lips again. No doubt he was insulted by the mere suggestion of it. You had to apologize. But he spoke before you could.

“Affection… yes, I haven’t considered that. Perhaps that is why she…” he murmured, almost to himself, then shook his head as though clearing whatever thoughts occupied it. He then raised his gaze to you. “How shall we display it, then?”

“You’re asking me?” you were stunned. Shouldn’t Neuvillette, with his doubtless abundant experience in such things, know? Or maybe he found it too dishonest to feign affection for a woman he had no feelings for. “I’m not sure either. You know I’m woefully inexperienced when it comes to romance.”

“So am I.” Neuvillette said. “Perhaps we could follow the examples of others.”

You resisted the urge to gape at him. Does that mean his relationships were all… No, wait, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe he just means that he acts very reserved with his partners. Yes, that must be it.

“That’s a good idea,” you quickly said, then racked your brain for examples. Your parents came up first in your mind, but you quickly dismissed them. Theirs was an arranged marriage, and even as a child you noticed the difference between how they acted with each other and how your friends’ parents acted. At the very least, they never cheated on each other and got along quite well. I don’t think I should emulate them in this case, though.

You then thought of your friend Anne, who recently got married and gave birth. Her husband was a port official who worked at Lumidouce Harbor, so she moved there about a year ago, but still exchanged letters with you regularly. You never met her husband, but he seemed to be a kind, loving man judging from Anne’s letters. I’ve never seen their interactions, so copying them is also out of the question.

You scoured your mind for all the couples you’ve seen in your life. The elderly couples in your hometown, the young lovers walking hand-in-hand on the city streets, even the fictional romances you read in novels—you analyzed them all. There were a few things they had in common: physical contact, fond smiles, petnames.

You told all of this to Neuvillette, who stroked his chin in thought. Then, he stood up. “Madame, let me try something,” he held out his hand to you, and you took it. He drew you out of your chair and, without warning, wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you close to his chest. You were frozen, unsure of what to do. His other hand moved to your chin, tilting it up. You realized then that you were holding your breath and standing on your tiptoes, your face so close to his that you could see every detail in his face in sharp focus. His slitted violet eyes, fringed by long lashes; his high cheekbones; the white locks brushing against his cheeks; his full mouth, slightly parted—

You hastily put a stop to those thoughts. I have to calm down and focus! Focus on…um…what do I need to focus on again? You were sure that Neuvillette could feel your heart pounding under your clothes. He was staring at you so intently. You couldn’t look away even if you wanted to, for he still had your chin between his fingers.

“My precious little dove,” he whispered, lowering his face to yours. A silver lock brushed against your cheek, and the crisp smell of his cologne assailed your nostrils. As if by instinct, your arms rose to encircle his body. “Won’t you seek solace in my arms?”

If only you had the calmness of mind or wit to respond with something equally passionate! Unfortunately, the first thing that came out of your mouth was, “Didn’t that line come from The Lochknight’s Passion?”

The Lochknight’s Passion was a historical romance novel popular for its compelling combination of the flowery writing characteristic of historical novels and almost embarrassingly direct love scenes. What you didn’t mention was that the line in question was said by the titular Lochknight right before he “fell into the throes of passion” with his lady love, to put it politely. Neuvillette’s tastes in literature are quite unexpected… the romance novels in his study came to mind.

You saw a pale flush bloom across his cheeks and his jaw tightening as he pursed his lips. He let go of you and stepped back. Shades of embarrassment and shock flickered in his eyes. “Y-Yes. I mean, indeed, that is where the line came from.” There was a stutter in his words, which was quite rare.

Oh no, I ruined the moment and embarrassed him! You had to fix this somehow.

You cleared your throat and closed the space between you two, then stepped on your tiptoes and twined your arms around his neck, then cupped his cheek in your hand. You heard his breath catch his throat. “Take me in your embrace, my shining knight,” you recited the words of the Lochknight’s lady in that same scene. “And let our enflamed souls mingle as one!”

The words fell with a thud in your silent room, which suddenly felt too small and stifling.

A polite “ahem” came from the direction of the door. The two of you jumped away from each other as though you were on fire.

“Pardon me, Monsieur and Madame, but I’ve brought snacks,” Marie was standing at the door with a bowl of blueberries. Her eyebrows were raised, and the corners of her lips were twitching. “But if I’m interrupting something, I can come back later.”

You fervently wished a hole opened up beneath you right then and there. You could hear fabric rustling behind you and imagined that Neuvillette felt similarly mortified.

“We were practicing displaying affection, Marie. I apologize if we caused any misunderstandings,” he explained in a composed tone. You were impressed; you couldn’t even manage so much as a squeak right now. He’s the Chief Justice for a reason. I should learn from him.

“Practicing affection?” Marie’s eyebrows remained raised, so Neuvillette explained the situation. As he spoke, rationality made its belated return to your mind. What were the two of you thinking? Showing affection didn’t mean embracing passionately in front of Furina!

You were quite proud of yourself for not burying your head in a pillow and screaming your lungs out.

“Ah, I understand the problem you’re dealing with now,” Marie nodded after Neuvillette finished his explanation. To her credit, she managed to keep a straight face despite being confronted with the absurdity of her employers. “Then, may I give my opinion as a woman who has been married for four decades?”

Gah, we should have done that from the start!

Neuvillette nodded, and Marie went on ahead. “Firstly, Monsieur and Madame, I’m unsure as to why you feel the need to pretend affection in the first place. To my eyes, you two look quite close.”

“Yes, but is it a ‘married couple’ kind of ‘close’?” you said.

“I’ve known plenty of couples, and I’d say the two of you show more fondness and respect for each other than most of them, even the ones who’ve been married for decades. You simply need to act as you always do.”

“But it’s more like the fondness between friends,” you insisted. “Would a stranger think we’re married if they saw us together?”

“Hmm…” Marie tilted her head in thought. “Well, Madame, if you’re so worried, then how about wearing matching accessories with Monsieur? It lends an impression of closeness, I’d say.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” you looked at Neuvillette. “How about it?”

“A visual indicator… yes, it does seem like a good idea,” he nodded. Then, his face suddenly brightened. “I have something in my mind. Come with me, Madame, to my room. And thank you, Marie, for your good suggestion.”

“Yes, thank you, Marie,” you echoed. “Also, sorry again for asking something so odd. And, um, about what you just saw...”

“No need to worry, Madame, you will hear no mention of tonight from me. And don’t apologize for asking questions. There’s a first time for everything.” Marie said, her eyes twinkling.

As you followed Neuvillette to the double doors at the other wing of the house, you were overcome with embarrassment all over again, so you decided to concentrate your eyes on the swaying bow at the end of his white locks. My goodness, how does he maintain all that hair? There’s so much of it…

Neuvillette opened the wooden doors of his room and gestured for you to enter. You had never been in his room before and felt sparks of nervous anticipation in your stomach. Was this what adventurers felt when they were about to step foot into an undiscovered ruin?

His bedroom wasn’t as exciting as all that. It was twice as large as your room. A large canopied bed dominated the room (you tried not to stare at it), and thick blue curtains hung over the windows. A white stone fireplace, unlit, occupied another wall, with a stuffed armchair in front of it. Even with the lights turned on, it was rather dim in the room.

There were two other doors, and you supposed the one Neuvillette led you towards was his dressing room. Your feet sank into the soft carpet as you followed him.

The dressing room was spacious, with floor-length mirrors and a cushioned bench in the middle of the room. Everywhere you looked, you were met with blue, black, and white. You could almost imagine that you were standing at the bottom of the sea. Neuvillette is nothing if not a stickler to a theme, you thought in amusement.

Neuvillette pulled out a drawer. It contained brooches of all shapes and sizes nestled within white silk. They glittered like sea glass on a white sandy beach.

“Madame, please pick one for me,” he said. It wasn’t until that moment that you realized he hadn’t said anything since you left your room. He gestured towards the drawer and proceeded to sit on the bench. Though you could still feel his gaze on your back.

You, for your part, busied yourself with the brooches. They came in all shapes and sizes, all colors and makes. Even you, who had long outgrown your fascination with shiny gems, found yourself enthralled by each brooch you came across. These are all so beautiful! Why doesn’t Neuvillette wear them more often?

At last, your eye alighted on a purple gem tucked all the way in the back of the drawer. You took it out and held it up to the light. It was oval-shaped and appeared more of a pale lilac in the light than deep purple. It was the exact color of Neuvillette’s eyes.

I wonder if this was a gift from a lover? It didn’t seem like the kind of thing you would buy for yourself.

You turned to Neuvillette and held it out to him. “I think this one will do. It matches your eyes and my dress.”

He took the brooch from you and examined it. “It does. I hardly remembered that I had this brooch in the first place,” he turned a weak smile towards you. “You have a good eye, Madame.”

“Try it on,” you urged, and he complied, inspecting himself in the mirror. You stood beside him and looked as well. Marie had a point about the matching. Somehow, you and Neuvillette now looked like you had something to do with each other, rather than just a man and woman standing together.

“I’ll wear a black ribbon like yours in my hair tomorrow as well,” you whispered without knowing why. It wasn’t as though wearing more matching accessories would make the two of you look more like a couple.

“I think you would look lovely in anything you choose,” he murmured back, his eyes fixed on the mirror. You had the feeling that he was staring at your reflection instead of himself.

You turned to look at him. His profile was sharp and defined, his right eye obscured by his bangs so you couldn’t glean his expression. But even so, you could tell…

“Neuvillette, is something wrong? Is it about what happened earlier? There’s no shame in reading racy romance novels, you know. I think shaming someone for reading is an awful thing to do. Someone who only reads serious literature isn’t better than someone who only reads Inazuman light novels in any way. In fact, people should be encouraged to read a wide variety—”

“Madame, I appreciate the sentiment, but that is not what is preoccupying my mind right now,” Neuvillette interrupted. Melancholy continued to emanate from him in waves.

“Oh. Then, what is it?” you moved to sit on the bench and patted the seat next to you. He sat down and glanced at you. “Please tell me.”

“I do not wish to burden you with even more stress.”

“Haven’t we been over this already? We promised to stop keeping our worries from each other, particularly when it involves one of us, remember?”

“We have, but…” Neuvillette hesitated. “I am not sure how to verbalize these feelings in my heart.”

“I see.” You nodded. Your mind raced as you thought of a way to help him open up. An idea came to mind. It was a method used with the students back in your hometown when they had trouble expressing their feelings. Words came out much easier when your hands were occupied with an activity. You could adapt it to this situation. “Neuvillette, I’m going to go get my hairbrush. I’ll be right back.”

“Your hairbrush?” he repeated, confused, as you ran to your room to fetch the brush. The bowl of blueberries was there, and you took it along with you on a whim.

“Neuvillette, brush my hair for me,” you said when you returned to the dressing room and handed him your hairbrush. “Take your time to put together what you want to say.”

“Are…are you sure?” he looked at your hair brush dubiously.

“I am. I brush my hair right before I go to bed every night anyways, so you’re doing me a favor either way.”

“…If you insist, Madame. I shall do my best.” He brought the bristles of the brush to the top of your scalp and gently ran them down the strands of your hair. You popped a few blueberries in your mouth as he did so. After a while, the sensation of the brush carefully being worked through your hair became hypnotic, almost lulling you to sleep. You felt your eyelids drooping down when Neuvillette finally spoke.

“I want to apologize to you first, Madame. What happened in your room should never have occurred in the first place. It was untoward. I do not know what came over me when I did so.”

“We were both trying to find a way to show affection. I did the same to you as well.” You have already resolved to completely bury that memory and never let it see the light of day ever again.

“But it was only in response to my actions.” A pause. “I felt your heart beating rapidly, and you tensed up under my arms. You were scared of me in that moment.”

“I was certainly taken by surprise…” you recalled your emotions back then. “But, um, I didn’t, ah, dislike it.” You stuffed a handful of blueberries into your mouth.

You felt the brushing pause for a second before it restarted with renewed vigor. “…I see.” Neuvillette’s tone was unreadable. “I’m very glad to hear that, although I wouldn’t like to catch you by surprise. I will inform you beforehand and ask for your permission when I do such things from now on.”

“Oh? Does that mean you’re going to take me into your arms again in the future?”

“I try not to make promises that I am unsure I’ll be able to keep.”

You weren’t sure what to say to that, so you stuffed another handful of blueberries into your mouth, focusing on their juicy sweetness.

“There is another thing I want to apologize for.” Neuvillette said after another minute of silence. “I am ashamed that even though I was the one who involved you into this situation in the first place, I find myself completely clueless as to what to do. I should be the one guiding you, and yet…our positions always seem to be reversed. It seems that I am always following your lead.”

“Neuvillette, remember what I said before? We’re partners—we’re a team. We should be walking together side by side, instead of one leading the other. If one of us is lacking in something, the other one should make up for it, and if we both can’t come up with a solution, we’ll consult a third party.”

There was a pause, and then you heard an exhale. It sounded like a mix of a sigh and a laugh. “I find myself envious of your levelheadedness sometimes,” he said. “You’re rarely swayed by emotion.”

I wouldn’t say that, you thought to yourself. “That’s high praise coming from the ever-impartial and reasonable Iudex. I would say I’m the one who has much to learn from you in that aspect.”

“No. You should not emulate me, Madame.” You nearly looked back in surprise at his suddenly clipped tone. He said nothing more afterward, and for a while the room was filled only with the sounds of breathing and the quiet rustling of hair being brushed. It felt like the calm before the storm, somehow.

“Sometimes, I feel as though I’m trying to navigate a maze without a map.” His breath ruffled the little hairs near your temple. You shivered unconsciously. “It’s quite frustrating.”

“I feel the same way,” you tried to sound as reassuring as you could. “This kind of relationship is new for the both of us. You’re not alone in this.”

“Is that so…” Neuvillette trailed off. You stole a glance at the mirror and saw a muscle twitching in his jaw. “I do not believe we are talking about the same thing.”

“Then, what do you mean?”

Neuvillette was silent for a moment before letting out a sigh. “My apologies, Madame, but I cannot quite describe it. I should not have vented such matters before our meeting tomorrow.”

“No, don’t apologize for that,” you turned to face Neuvillette. “Venting is good. It’s much better than bottling it all in. It’s a bad habit of mine as well, you know.”

“I can tell,” he murmured, causing you to raise your eyebrows at him. He cleared his throat and looked away. “I meant no offense by that, Madame.”

“I’m not offended. I’m actually surprised. You’re one of the rare people who can see through me. You should feel honored, you know.”

You tried to sound lighthearted, but Neuvillette just continued to fix you with a grave look. Maybe I should work on this more.

“Neuvillette, don’t worry. You’ve always been nothing but kind and considerate—I can’t imagine you doing anything malicious on purpose. You should just keep being yourself.”

“…I suppose you’re right, Madame,” he said at long last, but the heavy air around him didn’t dissipate. You held in a sigh. I’m terrible at this.

It was getting late. You needed to wake up early tomorrow to get ready, so you excused yourself and returned to your room.

As you laid in bed and stared up at your dark ceiling, you heard the gentle murmuring of rain outside. You hoped that signified good luck for tomorrow.

Previous | Next

Taglist:@just-simping-over-genshin, @xalphafox, @jqnehr, @favficdump, @thetwinkims, @cielclassy, @the-mxs-of-many, @mxyarylla, @lynettezz, @rosedpetal, @blue-sapphire-ink, @cringeycookies, @cherie-soup

[spilledmilkfkdies]

Hello! I wanted to ask you, when the wizards are freed from Omega by Neruman in the comics, what do you think their relationship was? Because it never really felt to me that the wizards were serving Neruman willingly. Not sure if I’m quite thinking they were his prisoners, but it didn’t feel like they would serve him by choice. (You’ve talked about comic-exclusive characters in your posts before, so I’m guessing you know about the comic plots. If you don’t, since the comics aren’t widespread, then never mind.)

(Quick extra bit: any theories on where the wizards lived while serving Neruman? Because I could never tell if they lived in his Dark Dimension Castle thing, or if they just hid out in Gardenia again.) Thank you!

Ngl of all the characters with relevance to the remaining 75% of the Black Circle comic wise, Neruman has definitely done the least for me? Which might be a little ironic because he's like the whole reason the wizards were even freed to EXIST in the comics?? Idk he just doesn't get my creative juices flowing like Yllidith and Gregory do y'know- Despite having more relevance than both of them. I really am just attracted to cardboard huh. Hm.

But aside from that!! Yeah no, I don't think the word 'willingly' is even allowed in the building rn.

Tbh the wizards really just dealt with hit after hit, loss after loss. They went from nearly done with a centuries lasting job, to losing one of their own and being locked up, just to be freed and forced to work under him to repay a debt that really won't be until some guy says so, who abandons them anyway later on and lets them get locked away elsewhere. Had the wizards been in even a little bit of a better state, emotionally and magically, at any point during this, I don't think working under him would've gone on for as long as it did, if even at all.

Also if we assume that they haven't worked under anyone since Yllidith, and doing so wasn't the best experience (I am assuming both of those things), than this might've been extra upsetting for them too. If it wasn't humiliating enough by itself. Dare I say I think all 3 of them hated this shadowy, 'Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come' ass bitch- Just not a fan of it being mostly a fear thing, I mean these men have been around for a WHILE. Like just say they're aware they're too weak to leave him rn, but don't make them SCARED and sweating on their knees tf is WRONG with you smh.

Not to do another comic rant or anything, but I will NEVER get over how the comics slandered them and everything positive they had going for them. Maybe that's why Neruman doesn't do a lot for me hskskssj he really is a big part of it all.

Wouldn't be surprised if he did yoink them to be nearby whenever they weren't actively doing something for him though, so I'd say stand-by in the castle, but "free" roaming Gardenia when in the middle of the job, like with the whole Gregory thing. Who is actually my little guy compared to Neruman.

[cynical-crypt]

so, before i start this rant up, i’d like to thank the proship community for being such a lovely place to be, and i’d like to talk to a very specific anti from afar.

so for some context, i used to be in a friend group, which, in the year or two of reflecting i’d had to myself, i’d realized was HORRIFICALLY TOXIC. before joining that friend group, i was a thick-shelled internet kid who wasn’t scared of anything and cared about everyone. being IN that groupchat? i became an oversensitive, overbearing, terrified, hateful son of a bitch. no thick shell, no compassion, and that was only within a few months of me joining. there are still remnants of what that groupchat did to me! i’m still quick to jump the gun and defend myself even if it was a joke. to this day i can’t tell when someone is pulling my leg or not. out of that whole group there was maybe one good person who i’m still friends with today. they were one of the unlucky ones. so, to put it simply, this group was a clusterfuck of whining, writhing, oversensitive little twitter babies who thought that everything they didn’t like had to be destroyed. they harassed and kicked out every single person who didn’t agree with them until they were all gone. all but me, because i was already in a horrible mental state at the time and at that point i would’ve done anything just to keep having people to talk to. i went along with every pitchfork-n’-flame plan they ever had even if i felt horrible about it and they’d all get angry at me if i hesitated for even a moment. i was dragged into drama that had nothing to do with me and there were no breaks. the specific person i’m going to talk to, who i’ll call SJJ, would constantly vent in the groupchat and start screaming and bitching if nobody replied. SJJ was the “ringleader” of our circus and they were the one that ruined me. in the beginning i thought they were cool and i looked up to them because i thought they were hilarious and were fun to talk to. that was a mistake. they lectured me every time i had an opinion they didn’t like, they forced me into pitchfork harassment parties, everything, up until i broke and became just as whiny and bitchy as them. this went on for a year or so before i finally snapped on them and got kicked out. and, yes, i got kicked out because a fucking 12 year old (not exaggerating) thought they were gonna be all badass and stand up for SJJ, so they pretty much cornered me until the only thing they’d accept is “no, i hate SJJ and don’t want to talk to them,” and that was enough to have me completely banished from the friend group.

skip 2 years, i’ve recovered mostly from the damage that group did to me, and here comes SJJ waltzing into my dms to “apologize.” in that they claimed they had changed, which then proved a few months later to be a complete lie. their dni listed people who are proship. it took me months to finally accept that i thought that way and that i was happier that way, and it took me 2 months to gather the courage to tell them we needed to stop talking to each other permanently so that i’m not invading their space anymore. they then talked down to me as if i were a 4 year old. i told them to stop treating me like a child, which they completely ignored. i tried desperately to have a civil conversation explaining why i’m cutting them off, but of course, they turned it into a shitstorm just like they had with everyone else. after we blocked each other they apparently ran to twitter and exposed my name to literally everybody publicly and then accused me of sending “pedophiles” after them when *RANDOM* people told them to at least blur my name out. they deleted the post but then made a huge thread bitching about how i’m “the worst person on earth.” and as far as i know they also deleted their twitter account. i had nothing to do with the comments and i wasn’t even the first one to find out they were posting about me. that was one of our mutual friends.

so... to SJJ, fuck you, from the very bottom of my heart. you tried to turn me into some kind of zombie for you to send to harass people who didn’t deserve it. you hurt me repeatedly and then were surprised when one day i didn’t bounce back up at your feet like a stupid fuckin puppy again. you ruined people’s lives and you destroyed what will i had left at the beginning of our time together. i don’t know why i ever trusted you. i don’t know why any of us ever trusted you. hell, i don’t know why people still trust you. i don’t know why people still can’t take one look and realize that you’re a narcissist. maybe even YOU don’t realize it. look at how you treated people in the past and how you do now, you’ll realize eventually: you’re the worst kind of person there is. 

there were two paths i could have taken. i could have continued to be a zombie and be abused by you, or i could have taken the opposite in which i am enveloped in a loving, safe community where i can be myself without anyone to try and control me. which did you THINK i was going to choose?

to the proship community, thank you. my time healing from hatred has been nothing short of wonderful and i’m so glad to have a safe space to hang out where i’m not being battered for my differences by people who are supposed to be my “friends.” this place is loving and accepting and i couldn’t ask for a better pocket of tumblr to be in. you’re all awesome.

i know SJJ is suffering. continuing to despise them will change nothing, but it cannot be helped right now. all i can hope is that one day life for them gets better and they do not continue to pour their hatred into other people. nobody deserves what i or any of their other victims went through. SJJ, i’m sorry. i know you’re hurting. you might be a terrible person, to me at least, but if you somehow manage to find this, please know that despite everything i still hold hope that you’ll change, even if that hope is lost on you. it doesn’t matter now.

[bigjimbopickens]

hi sorry to bother you i know this is like a dead issue now but i was a massive fan of kevin before the hogwarts legacy shit, i’m a trans guy and i stopped watching him because of it. i really miss his content though, his channel is pretty much all the games i like and my sense of humour, but i feel so conflicted about wanting to go back to his content. i was just curious what your thought process was around rejoining the cult? i know it’s kinda weird to ask now since it’s been like 6 months since it happened but i feel really weird about it.

also like. no pressure to answer i don’t know if this is crossing a line or anything sorry

It’s okay don’t worry :) enough time has passed, to me at least. Tbh this is the first I’ve heard about this in a while lol.

It’s okay to feel conflicted. I don’t speak for everyone here but everyone I talk to regularly has forgiven him but won’t forget that this happened.

I do believe he learned from this, he hasn’t done anything HP related since then, besides for a few ps1 Hagrid cameos (which is fine, ps1 Hagrid has been a channel meme for a while). I just hope this doesn’t age poorly.

What started getting me back was a bit after the apology post I noticed that other YouTubers were doubling down on their decisions or just not saying anything, including ones I used to respect. Even though I wished Kevin did more than just a Reddit post, I’m glad he didn’t stay silent and admitted he fucked up. His intention wasn’t malicious, unlike a lot of other creators, which is why I was more forgiving with him compared to others. Though I still lost a lot of respect which was regained over time.

Oddly enough what got me to really respect him again was his video on those American Superpastors and Megachurches. Having grown up in one (though in Canada, they exist here but aren’t as big) it was very healing. He couldn’t say it because he didn’t want to get sued, but he was very heavily implying that he believes it’s all a huge scam and they’re exploiting people. But he’s right, I’ve witnessed it myself. Never would’ve expected him to make a video like that and be so bold with it. I’m glad Europeans see what goes on here and think “what the fuck?!” Great video definitely recommend.

Other than that, mainly just enough time passed where I no longer feel that way. I missed the sense of community which is why I rejoined the fandom but it’s not my main one anymore. I mostly do my own thing these days. It was awesome going to Vancoufur as Werewolf Jim and meeting CMK fans there too, I could’ve sworn I was the only British Columbian in the entire fandom. Though I don’t fully trust the fandom still, mainly people I don’t recognize. But not anyone here, Tumblr isn’t really the site for those people.

Not much else has really changed in his content, just no more HP videos in general (as of July 22, 2023) and the fast-paced editing has mostly stopped. He now only uploads on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays now + any 2nd channel content, song covers or streams. The community has changed a lot though. The Reddit protests caused the subreddit to shut down so it’s gone, so there’s now no longer one big gathering spot besides Discord, which is the one side of the community I’m not in.

It’s really your choice if you wanna start watching again, anonymous user. Do whatever makes you happy :)

Since this is related, I haven’t heard a thing about HL since February. It really was just a mid game that was only popular because it was controversial. Transphobes really spent a lot of money on this, they’re the real losers. I know single player games get less players overtime but a lot of them still get talked about, replayed or are still relevant. Idk just my thoughts. If you really want a magic game with custom spells, play Oblivion’s Mages Guild questline or modded Skyrim.

Also sorry if I got back to this so late. I haven’t had a stable connection for a while until now. I’ve been away, escaping wildfires. Average Canadian summer activities.

[mithliya]

Hi there, am I remembering correctly that you made a post something along the lines of if you hadn't been raped you wouldn't have had a boyfriend? Something like that. I think about that post often because as soon as I read that it reminded me the first time I had sex with a guy. I remember the first time I did anything sexual with this guy it was mostly forced/coerced (I was young, fifteen) and I didn't really understand what was going on. I couldn't recognize that I was uncomfortable or didn't want to do it. About a month later I told him we should just try to have sex. Before this I hated all the sexual stuff we did, I wasn't attracted to him at all, and when I said that I remember thinking two things: the first was that maybe sex would cure my body of being unresponsive to him (I was never turned on, practically the opposite) and that I would become attracted to him and the second that I'd already been raped before (csa) so what is the difference? I remember thinking that it didn't really matter what happened to my body and that all that mattered was that I could grow to be attracted to and fall in love with this guy. I think that if I had never been raped I never would have done any of it. I was also very depressed at the time. But I remember very specifically thinking about how I'd already had a dick in me so what did it matter? Sorry for being vulgar and sending this heavy ask, but it's weird to think about. It feels like a nightmare of another life. I also can't help but feel like a bad lesbian, especially when I see hard-core gold stars shitting on lesbians who've had sex with a male. I'm not looking for validation. Like, I know I've never been attracted to a guy in my life and have never had an urge to have sex with them or have yearned for them, so if someone calls me a bisexual I don't care because I know it's not true. But I rarely see lesbians with an experience similar to mine, so a lot of the time I feel isolated. I also haven't told anyone about this.

yeah a lot of what u said sounds a lot like what i went through. i went through a long time of being pressured and coerced and having my boundaries violated where i ended up thinking that there’s no point to my boundaries, that if i say no then i’m just going to be raped again anyways and i don’t want that. i also had the exact same belief of “well im already no longer a virgin so what’s the point?” which i think was my feelings of shame in a way. like i felt like i already failed at protecting my virginity and that it was my fault and that my value lessened, that i was a “whore” as a result and therefore should just go along with whatever a guy wants. i didn’t even consider “well, i don’t want to” as a valid reason.. it seemed dumb to say no. and i also had the same mindset of “if i let this happen enough times, eventually i’ll learn to like it” which in hindsight just seemed like me trying to change my sexuality through conditioning.. ofc my feelings never changed , i just got further traumatised and felt hopeless bc i didn’t know what was wrong with me and i just kept finding excuses for it until the answer became too blatant to ignore.

when you experience rape at a young age, i feel like u just feel like u have no right to boundaries anymore and u reach this state of learned helplessness. at least that’s how it was for me. it was like, there’s no way out, so why not try to make myself like it? why not try to embrace it? maybe if i try hard enough, i’ll end up liking it.

but yeah my life would’ve turned out very differently had i not been raped to begin with. that “boyfriend” literally had 0 chance with me and tried to get with me desperately for years, i was literally repulsed by him so i know my feelings didn’t change, i know i never felt any sort of interest in him. but my boundaries did change bc my mindset was really messed up. i wish i could go back in time and just tell baby me that being raped doesn’t mean i don’t deserve boundaries, it doesn’t mean that not saying no will make it any better for me, it doesn’t mean that i should put myself thru that stuff hoping it would somehow fix me.

and yeah it can feel quite isolating & honestly it’s quite triggering overall. i don’t want to think of a point in my life where i was constantly crying in the dark in my room, isolated, alone, felt trapped, felt like saying no is pointless, etc and it’s frustrating that people think it’s appropriate to constantly remind me of that time by bringing up one of the factors contributing to my trauma & suicidal tendencies. they can think im bisexual if they want but i wish they’d stop using my trauma to argue that. but ur not alone, there’s several lesbians ive talked to (all victims of CSA btw) who also have very similar stories. i really think it’s the combination of being so young mixed in with being raped & being a lesbian, & there being a guy who wants to take advantage of those vulnerabilities.

[mangoisms]

sneak peak on the nikolai fic 🫣

hiiiii yes i know i said i’d post something yesterday </3 i’m a liar </3 but here it is now!!!! just for you!!! just cause i really wanted to get a little further in, i’m only on chapter 1 rn (well as of now and with my extra writing from today and yesterday, i’m finished with it and will now be moving to chapter 2 hehe) so Not A Lot going on but!!! anything is better than nothing <3

here it is <3

(putting this here bc the readmore is acting silly)

A knock on the door surprises her and she feels a sliver of trepidation. Tamar wouldn’t knock, would she? Her hand twitches to the bag with the dagger her father gave her when she left, but she holds off. No need for something so showy… She rises from the floor and opens the door.  If Maria was actively trying to not think about leaving before, now, at the sight of Sturmhond, for a moment, it leaves her entirely. Mostly in exchange for confusion. She doesn’t know what to say to him and doesn’t have time to think of something safe but it doesn’t matter as his muddy green eyes meet her brown ones and he’s flashing a charming smile at her. “Maria! Glad to see you made it here. And you’re settling in, too,” he says, eyes straying into the room, where her belongings are laid out. “Tamar showed you down, I presume?” She nods, still not quite sure what to say—or at least, what to say that won’t make her seem severely lacking in socialization. She is quite socialized, thank you very much. Being a seamstress’s daughter ensured that, with the regular stream of noblemen and women they had and the careful attention required of conversing with them. But it’s been a long time since she’s done something like that. And truthfully, Sturmhond should just be like any other man she’s met, but it doesn’t feel that way and for the life of her she can’t figure out why.  Maybe it’s simply because of how closely their paths had crossed a few days ago and how unaware he is of that fact.  Yes, she thinks, watching him nod in approval at her words. It must be that.  “Good, good. We had little choice with putting you with her. There’s rarely any extra room left around here.” He pauses and a familiar gleam enters his eyes. “Well, there are my quarters… But Dasha said she’d do some very unkind things to me if I offered you them. I imagine it’s the same with you?” “I don’t mind this,” she says instead of answering that. “Thank you.” He takes it in stride, which is a relief. “These used to be the doctor’s quarters, you know? It makes sense for Tamar to be here but between you and me, Tolya was always better at healing out of the two of them. I suppose you’ll be far better than the both of them combined.” “Hopefully,” she hedges, not wanting to outright agree or disagree, not having the full picture of the twins yet to say such a thing. “I have to admit, though, I do lack the… official training.” He surveys her for a moment, then shrugs. “So do they. Most of the Grisha I employ do. Or they didn’t get to complete it. As long as you don’t maim or kill anyone, we won’t have any problems.” “I won’t,” she says firmly, because what is she if not a healer? Not Healer but a healer.  In a war-torn country like Ravka, there is much that needs healing. Already, she is leaving behind many more at the clinic that need it. But she has to, because if she stayed, if she got caught and taken back to Arkesk, then she wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. At least here and eventually in Novyi Zem, she can help.  That’s all she wants to do. That’s all she’s ever wanted to do.  He gives her another evaluating look, one she doesn’t quite know how to interpret, but it doesn’t feel malicious or leery, so she lets it go.

(be gentle this is very much the first draft and also not proofed too closely <3 also still trying to get a good grasp on nikolai’s character it’s surprisingly difficult </3 so this might change when i actually post, which won’t be until i’ve finished writing the entire thing <3)

[in-a-bucket]

DRDT Lives rent free in my head right now so here’s more specific thoughts from ep 11

Major spoilers for ch 2 ep 11 btw!!!!!

So uh this mostly me rambling and talking out of my ass, but we’re on hiatus so I might as well go wild.

Ok so you know the conversation that Arei and David had that Ace was listening in on, well there is no way in hell we are done with that. First of all Ace didn’t even hear the entire thing, so it’s literally a fact that we don’t have the picture. Also, I’m 99% sure what Charles realized at the end of the episode was that Arei was murdered in the morning (right before the secrets were gonna be announced) instead of at night like everyone originally thought, which is obviously a huge problems for alibis, but if we apply this to what happened between Arei and David, then it really makes you wonder how their conversation ended. David didn’t kill her, that much is obvious and they couldn’t have stayed in the relaxation room all night since it closes at 10 and even then, if we assume Ace is correct in that they were talking at around 7:30pm, I highly doubt they were talking for 2 and a half hours straight, so what happened. 

I mean, there’s no way David would just let Arei go, after all not only does she know his secret, she also knows the person who actually received his secret (whit), so if I was in David’s situation I would’ve killed her right there and then. The problem is is that would’ve been risky as hell, since people knew David was in the relaxation room. The second Arei knew that David was genuinely a scummy person and was trying to cause problems on purpose she would’ve left and exposed his ass, so what prevented her from doing so. 

Well, we know that Arei’s wrists were bound at some point due to them being red, so what if David was telling the truth and he and Arei really did fight. He somehow managed to overpower her and bind at least her wrists so she couldn’t go and blab to the others (he probably managed to knock her out somehow so she couldn’t fight back while he binded her wrists). Now you’re probably thinking, if he managed to knock her out, why not just kill her. Well the fact that David was trying to get everyone to spill their secrets to cause conflict for a murder to occur shows he didn’t want to commit a murder himself. After all, it’s pretty risky seeing as if you fail to get away with it you die. However, this doesn’t completely solve David’s problem, after all Arei isn’t the only person who knows his secret. The way David reacts makes it seem like he had no idea who had his secret until Arei told him. So what does he do about Whit. It’s possible David left Whit to his own devices, after all, Whit was present when David lied about his secret and he didn’t say anything, so there’s a chance he would continue to stay quiet. Normally I’d agree with this, however, there are a few reasons why I believe David did in fact go and talk to Whit. 1. Even if David did have the line of thinking I stated above, it’s still risky, after all it’s possible Arei could escape, so if he doesn’t do anything and Arei blabs about everything that happened it’s likely he’ll want to stop protecting David’s secret.

2. Whit has been acting really weird this trial (and before you ask, no I don’t think he’s the killer, I have my reasons for thinking that but, that’s for another post). I was a little forgiving of Whit not saying whose secret he received the first time, but the 2nd time, when it could really help to pin down the killer, I was a little baffled to be honest. He only confessed when Charles called him out and Whit probably realized he would just look stupid if he continued to try and say nothing and even that was like pulling teeth. Charles mentioned that Whit was the kind pf person who really respected people’s privacy and wouldn’t go mentioning secrets all willy nilly. But not only was revealing the secret important to getting more information, but Whit should’ve been well aware that David has been lying to everyone’s faces for multiple days straight and that what was written was probably true, so why would he want to hide something like that. He mentions the reason why he hid it which was to “protect David’s career”, but like why? As far as I’m aware I don’t think David and Whit were all that close, why would he do this for David?

I’m not even the only person who finds this odd, tumblr user noddytheornithopod, said this in his ep 11 analysis

So for the sake of this silly post, let’s assume David did infact go talk to Whit at some point. There’s already one problem with this, wouldn’t Charles have said something, after all he said that he and Whit were together the entire time the original time of death was established, so if David had came up to them, Charles would’ve said something. It’s possible Charles lied but I seriously doubt that considering he was the one to call out Whit for hiding David’s secret. So here’s another possibility, David spoke to Whit during nighttime hours, after all Charles and Whit’s alibi only seems to at least cover the hours of 7:30 to 10pm, its very possible that once the nighttime announcement came around, the two of them went their separate ways to go sleep, and David caught Whit alone. Now you’re probably thinking, didn’t you just say Arei and David didn’t spend three whole hours talking. You’re right, they didn’t, it probably went something like this; Let’s say David was probably in the relaxation room for 15 minutes on his own before Arei found him, so now it’s about 7:45. I think he and Arei spent a good hour talking, why do I think it’s so long, well I’m not gonna go into too much detail, but I think David has been overplaying his cruelty during the trial and I think some of the stuff he said to Arei during her breakdown was true, and because of this David and Arei ended up having a long argument about what David truly feels, but unfortunately Arei wasn’t able to get him to give up and so they started to fight, now I would Imagine Arei is a lot stronger than David, so they probably fought a while and that Arei getting knocked out was probably and accident, so lets say that it’s around 9pm when Arei gets knocked out. At this point, I assume Ace has long since left the gym, if he didn’t overheard their whole conversation and fight, so the gym is now empty and David can take the tape from there to bind up Arei, that probably takes him awhile considering he was probably worried Arei would fight back, so let’s say it’s around 9:15-9:30pm, that means David’s got about 30-45 minutes before nighttime starts. so David waits around in the relaxation to make sure Arei doesn’t try to escape or someone comes in and sees Arei. So probably a few minutes before the nighttime announcement, He moves Arei to the playground or maybe somewhere else on the 2nd floor, so that the not being allowed in the relaxation room during nighttime rule isn’t violated. Then he makes his way up stairs and waits for Whit. So then asks to speak to Whit and probably brings him to the second floor where Arei is. David tells him that he knows Whit has his secret. Now if Arei of all people was willing to give David the benefit of the doubt, you bet your ass Whit was too. So Whit probably asked him to elaborate more because he was probably very concerned. It’s hard to speculate on what they talked about, but David being well aware of the empathetic person Whit is, tried to convince Whit that he needed to protect his career and that he needed to stay quiet, Whit might not have fully been convinced to then he resorted to threatening Arei’s life if he said anything and maybe even to continue to make his life hell if they both made it out of the trial and he said anything sort of similar to what Arturo did to Eden.

So Whit agrees to stay quiet, but likely on the condition that Arei be released, and now that Whit is in the know, David can just as easily threaten Whit’s life if Arei says anything. so Arei’s released and everyone goes back to their rooms for the night. 

So now here’s the biggest issue with everything I’ve said so far, Arei is dead, and now David’s true nature has been revealed, so why hasn’t Whit said anything, I mean he even came up with the flimsy reason of protecting David’s secret to protect his career. if he said what happened it’s not like anything will change, everyone will still hate David. Well in all honesty, I don’t know. Everything I’ve talked about doesn’t really have anything to do with the actual murder. I have this gut feeling Whit and David did speak about secrets at some point, but I have no idea how it connects. This is mostly just a bunch of ideas that popped into my head while trying to make sense of everything that’s been going on. Am I probably reading wayyyyyyy too much into this stuff, absolutely. Do I care, no lol. Maybe one of the things I talked about here will come true but idk, it was fun either way. Might as well throw all possibilities out there while we have all this time to theorize. Hope you enjoyed my rambling because there will almost definitely be more.

[classicsapphicships]

FAQ

To start, what is this?

With so many polls and brackets going around now, some of the classic ships that formed the basis of wlw shipping have been sadly underrepresented. This bracket is an attempt to fix that! It focuses on both the early ships that shaped and defined fandom, as well as some forgotten gems from over the years. And there are some more recent ships mixed in for a little variety!

There’s no bracket or ships yet, why do you have an FAQ?

Well, mostly to get things written down and ready before things get started. There are still a few things that need to happen before the bracket listing can be posted, and then all the polls have to be made and ready to post. Once all that’s done, the rest of this will make a lot more sense, promise!

Why isn’t my ship included?

Limiting the ships to 64 was incredibly difficult, and the result of multiple discussions across multiple days. We were limited by some early decisions we made, as well as trying to keep the number to 64! So if your ship isn’t included, know it was probably a difficult decision. 

So what ships did you try to include?

The first priority was older ships. Anything from the last 5 years or so had to meet several other criteria to be included. From there the goal was to keep it to one ship per fandom, to get as many fandoms represented as we could. Then, in keeping with the ‘forgotten gems’ theme, the ships were narrowed down within their fandoms. While an attempt was made to make sure every ship involved had at least a fighting chance for round one, priority didn’t necessarily go to the largest ship in a fandom. Second or even third largest ships could find themselves ahead of the big ones, just to shine some light on the ships that get pushed aside more often than others. 

You keep mentioning criteria, what kind of criteria did you use?

Ships in this bracket must be sapphic, for starters. While non-binary identities are so important to see represented on screen and in ships, we didn’t want to risk any chance of non-binary characters being misgendered by being included. So only female identifying characters were included. Second, a priority was put on ships with at least 300 fics on AO3, or similar sized fandom presence. That wasn’t a disqualifier, but it was a good test of whether they’d have a chance against some of the other ships. Third, as tough as it was, we stuck to live action shows and not animated. And last main consideration was that the ship itself didn’t date from the last 5 years. That got bent a few times for a couple ships, but for the most part very recent ships and fandoms were left off this time.

Okay but this ship is a classic/my favorite and it didn’t make the list.

Not every ship could! Going up a bracket size would mean 128 ships, and that would be way too many to do. Some absolutely deserving ships got left out just because of room, and trust me when I say the discussions on which ships to go with were fierce before a final list was settled on. And of course, as with any group project, there was definitely a bit of selection bias that went into the decisions. While trying to keep things fair and include as many fandoms as possible, the ships chosen did come from a limited group of people. Some fandoms probably got left out just because no one in the group watched that show, or remembered it while the list was being made. I forgot one of my own favorite ships until the bracket was already set! So who knows? Maybe there’ll be a season 2 with an entirely different cast and crew.

What’s the schedule for this bracket look like?

In a perfect world, the polls would run for 5 days, Friday to Wednesday, and then have 2 days to get the next bracket ready to go. Since Tumblr is our favorite hellsite, that doesn’t work. So polls will run for 1 week (at least for the first two brackets) and probably still have those two days of down time in between to prepare for the next bracket. Once we get to later brackets, depending on participation that might move to the one day per bracket to make things go a little faster. We’ll have to see when we get there!

Who’s responsible for all the graphics?

Okay so maybe this one isn’t frequently asked, but it should be. @mitski put in a ton of work on making sure all the graphics needed were great, and this whole thing would look nowhere near as nice without her.

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Unavailable - Part 3! Sneak Peek!

We're going to make Harry a little simp again. It's my new addiction 😏

Read Part 1 & Part 2

The holidays were lonely and cold. She mostly slept on the actual days as she was not working and then got back to her schedule as soon as the festive days were done. Harry wouldn’t be coming back until the 8th so she would need to endure the solitude for a bit longer. This particular day seemed to be dragging on and as she briefly looked through TikTok on her break a great majority of the posts were about wellness or fitness and she took that as her sign to go to the gym after work.

She and Harry liked to take walks in the evenings but as soon as it started cooling down he would drag her to the gym with him instead - he even added her to his membership. And while he would go off and do his thing she would do her half-assed exercises before sitting in the sauna with him for a while. It was amusing to go to the gym with Harry; Y/N very quickly noticed that most of the girls at the gym would ogle him. He seemed to be everyone’s gym crush. She also started to notice that when these women would see him make his way towards her they would shoot her odd or jealous looks and she would always tell him and he’d make a full on show of grabbing her hand or hugging her close with a very mischievous smirk. It was a fun little game they played and she would definitely miss it at her session today. 

Other than those playful interactions things had stayed extremely platonic between the two. There was obvious tension at times, but they never acted on it with each other at least. That had been her biggest concern with staying with him, but he was very respectful of her space which was so wonderful of him and she didn’t intend on getting tangled up with him while she healed from all the crap in her life. Sure, if they hooked up it seemed like an ideal situation for them if they wanted consistency, but that also meant that things could get complicated quickly and fall apart and she really didn’t want that to happen with him.

*************

Y/N was not feeling tired after her session at the gym today, if anything she felt more energized, maybe it was because she skipped out on the sauna, but she didn’t feel comfortable going in without Harry. It was always full of dudes who were less than discrete when they looked over her, but they were a lot less ballsy with Harry around. Either way, she was making her way past the reception desk when someone’s voice caught her attention.

“Hey, where’s your boyfriend?” She didn’t think it was directed towards her but then she heard more specificity, “I’m talking to you in the pink shirt!” The voice said and she stopped and turned around and was met with quite a handsome looking guy behind the desk who was offering her a smile.

“Are you talking to me?” She asked pointing to herself and he chuckled.

“Yes, I don’t see anyone else in a pink shirt.” He said with a friendly smile and she giggled.

“True.” She pointed out as she approached the desk.

“I was just wondering about your man because he usually comes in religiously and I haven’t seen either of you over the last few weeks.” He explained.

“Oh yeah, well just to clarify he’s not my man, which is why I didn’t respond to the boyfriend thing.” She informed with a flirty smile, “And he hasn’t come in because he went home to England for the holidays.” She explained and he hummed in understanding.

“And what’s your excuse?” He asked with a teasing grin and she narrowed her eyes playfully at him and then read over his name tag that said Aaron.

“Well Aaron, if you must know, I hate working out and my roommate bribes me with Chipotle for dinner if I join him.” Y/N explained and this made Aaron laugh and she giggled at his reaction.

“I see. So why did you come in today? Did you bribe yourself with Chipotle?” He teased with a smirk and she giggled. 

“Actually, my TikTok feed was showing me fitness videos for like ten videos straight and I took it as a sign from the universe to not waste away my evening.” She confessed and he laughed again, she liked that he found her funny and he was cute and his laugh was also nice, it made her giggle along with him.

“You’re funny and I’m glad you decided to come in.” He said flirtatiously but in a very subtle way and she smiled and nodded.

“Thank you, me too.”

“Well maybe I’ll see you around if you come in again, this time is usually towards the end of my shift.” He informed her and she bit her lip to suppress her smile and nodded.

“Yeah, maybe.” She said as she started to step back to leave.

“What’s your name?” He asked her before she turned around fully to head out.

“Y/N.” She disclosed and he smiled.

“Very cute, it suits you.” He flirted and she grinned.

“Thank you, Aaron.” She responded and he grinned.

“I’ll see you around. Have a good night.”

“You too!” She smiled and then turned around and left. 

She felt a bit giddy at this guy’s attention towards her even more so when she realized that he was probably the most age-appropriate man she had flirted with in a really long time, her one hit wonder with Harry didn’t count because it should never have happened; in fact she was kind of grateful for the way things went down with Harry because it felt like the proper goodbye to her old and fucked up ways, it was quite poetic really. And as hot and attractive as she continued to find him, getting involved with him now was just not a good call and now she was even able to flirt with other guys. She could just feel it in her bones that things were about to take turn for the better, this was going to be her year.

Regardless of her slight disdain towards exercising and gyms she found herself stepping into the gym at the 7:30pm hour when she came up to the front desk to sign in she was slightly disappointed that Aaron was not there and she just went on to the elliptical to warm up; the after work crowd was starting to leave, freeing up sufficient equipment for her to take her time and she did and was glancing around for the first 20 minutes of her time there before giving up on finding Aaron.

[silverwings-stories]

🌼DaisyClan: Moon 24🌼

“Why don’t they just demand that Minkstar backs down?” Minkstar froze as Icyback’s angry hiss cut through the evening’s silence. She caught a glimpse of the she-cat’s lashing white tail around the side of the warrior’s den. Minkstar couldn’t see who she was talking to. Her whiskers twitched indecisively. Minkstar knew she should just keep walking and pretend like she didn’t hear anything. But before she could get her paws moving, Icyback spoke again.

“They were chosen by StarClan, right?” The she-cat said, her voice low but threatening. “Shouldn’t they be allowed to continue their leadership?” 

Another voice answered haltingly. Minkstar recognized it as Woodfur’s. “Well . . . technically Daisyst - Daisyrunner - was chosen to lead us to our new home.” Woodfur didn’t seem to know which side he was on. Minkstar had never heard him sound so unsure. “Maybe, since that’s done, they can . . . retire?” 

“RETIRE?!” Icyback spat, making Minkstar’s fur bristle. Since when had the former loner been so passionate about Clan politics? The she-cat was always proud, but until now, she’d mostly kept to herself. “DaisySTAR is still so young - half Minkstar’s age, at least!” Minkstar was surprised by how much Icyback’s comment stung her. Yes, she was older than Daisyrunner, but she wasn’t any less competent. Does Icyback think I should retire? Minkstar wondered. Of course, I’ve thought about it, but I still feel like I have a lot more to offer my Clan. I can’t go to the elder’s den yet!

“Keep your voice down!” Woodfur was scolding Icyback. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean that maybe, Daisyrunner’s time as leader is over.” Minkstar heard the white she-cat prepare to snap back, but Woodfur went on. “But we won’t know for sure until StarClan tells us.” 

But . . . will StarClan tell us? The unwelcome thought squeezed its way into Minkstar’s head. What would they do if StarClan didn’t give them a definite answer about DaisyClan’s leadership? They’d given Minkstar her nine lives, yes, but they’d also tried to tell the cats that Daisyrunner wasn’t gone for good. Gone . . . but not lost. The visions of the shadowy creature stealing a daisy seemed to have a clear meaning now. StarClan seemed to favour both Minkstar and Daisyrunner. But if they didn’t choose, the Clan would. 

Minkstar stayed crouched in the shadow of the warrior’s den as Icyback and Woodfur went their separate ways. Her gaze swept across the camp, watching from afar as her Clanmates prepared for their night’s rest. Who would they each choose? Minkstar couldn’t help but wonder. But it seemed, in this instance, there was no clear choice. 

>>>

Notable Events

Rabbitpaw is now a warrior, called Rabbitspot. 

Although they still haven’t received a sign from StarClan, cats are starting to take sides about who should be leader. Icyback has taken Daisyrunner’s side, complaining about Minkstar behind her back.

And that marks the end of Year Two in DaisyClan! But the drama is far from over . . .

If you want to see more of my work, I also have an alt account where I post non-clangen art and a YouTube channel.

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day!

[quodekash]

Viren sucks but also maybe kind of not?

Hello there friend! If you haven’t seen a post by me before, you should know that this is part of a series I’m calling “tdp rambles with bj” (me being bj (which is a nickname ive had since I was 3)), you absolutely don’t have to read the others to understand each one, each part is individual. But if you liked some of the things I talk about or the way I’ve analysed things, you are very welcome to check out the tag (it’ll be the top tag for this post) and have a look at some of the other stuff I’ve done! You don’t have to, I just thought you might like to if you enjoyed this. Thanks!!

Anyway, into the analysis! (It’s a lot longer than I initially thought it was so brace yourselves)

(Also, once again, apologies in advance for the bad quality photos)

“Each of you standing here today, you betray humanity!” 

It’s interesting to me that he uses the word “standing”, because in that moment, Viren is actually the only one standing. Everyone else, they’re sitting down. They haven’t done anything to betray humanity. But Viren, he’s standing. He’s trying to destroy what last little dregs of hope there are left to bond with Xadia. 

And (I think) we rarely ever see Viren sitting. He’s always standing. Sure, he sits sometimes, like once when inspecting the mirror. He sits on a horse. He sits dramatically on the throne. But most of the time, he’s standing. Most of the time, he’s betraying humanity. (And arguably when he’s sitting he’s still actively betraying humanity but that doesn’t go towards my point/metaphor thing so we’re ignoring that) 

But then in season 4, he’s sitting. A lot. I know he was just dead so he’s low on energy. But in most scenes, he’s sitting on the ground, letting Claudia and Terry (but mostly Claudia) do all the work. 

(And I was saving this particular ramble for later for continuity, but who cares about chronology, barely anyone’s gonna see this anyway so I might as well do it out of order, so.) LETS TALK ABOUT VIREN 

First and foremost I want it to be known that overall I still hate Viren, he’s horrible, he’s abusive, he’s a terrible father, he’s manipulative, and he kills butterflies to make his face normal. 

Ah but… that last thing. He kills butterflies to make his face normal. All throughout the entire show, from episode 1, we see him using dark magic to hide the effects dark magic has had on him (physically, at least, but the physical reflects the internal so it really doesn’t matter). But then, in season 4, his face is normal. And he uses no dark magic at all. 

Now, I could go on a rant about how this is a social commentary and it’s about society and society sucks cos it makes us change ourselves physically to appease to what is socially accepted but I won’t. 

Instead, let’s talk about… uh, not that. 

So. A lot of the time while watching seasons 1-3, I think about how carefree Viren was in all of those flashback scenes, and how… he definitely wasn’t a good person, but I felt like I could kind of see why Harrow kept him around for so long. But then in all the present day scenes he was horrible and mean and smelly and eugh. And then, after two years of being dead, he’s so different. 

I’m absolutely certain, and you cannot change my mind on this (well… maybe you can but I highly doubt it), that Viren was a good person. But all good people have bad parts. And dark magic affects what’s inside, especially after such a long time. The dark magic made all the bad parts inside him deepen and grow, until the good parts were hidden under the surface. But there’s still some hope, the good stuff is still there, slightly visibile! But then Aaravos came along. And the good parts were drowned, buried so deep they shrunk, and then you couldn’t see them at all. Still there, but so small even he didn’t know they were there. 

And then he died. He didn’t have dark magic swirling through his system, affecting his every being. He didn’t have Aaravos whispering in his ear, influencing him, manipulating him, making those bad parts grow. He just existed. (But I suppose he didn’t exist because he was dead?) 

He just… floated, I guess. Not alive. So he couldn’t be affected by anything at all. 

And I think a lot of those bad parts slowly started disappearing. But, since he was dead, there was no way for the good parts to grow. So in season 4, there’s these tiny  little nuggets of good hidden in this expanse of nothingness, and the occasional drifting badness. He’s so empty inside now, and I think over time he can improve and grow those good parts, he just hasn’t had a chance yet. 

And yeah, there was that part at the end where Viren did some dark magic again. But then, immediately, in the credits you see the little sketches, and two or three of them are Viren collapsing and Claudia and Terry trying to hold him up.

The dark magic was so sudden, so different to the emptiness of two years. The darkness in the abyss was starting to take over, and it grew so dramatically and he couldn’t handle it. Maybe the little nuggets of good act like white blood cells, fighting off the disease of dark magic, and made him pass out as a defence strategy. Kind of like sneezing. Dust (or something that’s not supposed to be in your nose) gets in your nose, so your body tries to forcefully get it out and makes you sneeze. And I’m just realising when Callum uses dark magic for the first time, it overwhelms him and he passes out. So it’s possible that Viren’s gonna have a dream that mirrors what happened to Callum and he’s gonna have an epiphany and truly realise that dark magic isn’t the way? 

But yeah, there’s so much emptiness inside him, and there’s just tiny little good pebbles, but then a sudden cloud of darkness blew over, and it was such a dramatic change to what he’d been for two years, that his body needed to conserve energy in order to fight the darkness (or at least try and get used to it) so it made him pass out. 

Claudia, though… she’s had Aaravos whispering in her ear for two whole years. “[She] had do to things [she] never imagined [she] was capable of doing.” And each one of those indescribable horrible things made the bad parts grow, the good parts shrink. 

Her hair is a good representation of it. The darkness hasn’t taken over her completely, there’s still that smidgen of hope. It’s not as extreme as it was for Viren, where his entire face looked completely different. Claudia’s hair is only about 50% taken over, which means her… soul, I guess, is only 50% taken over by darkness. But I think that’s only because she was doing the most extreme dark magic things for people she loved, i.e. saving soren, saving viren. So there’s those good parts, the parts that care for her family and friends. But they’re almost faded. They’re there, but faded. Like, if the good parts were a colour, let’s say yellow, hers would be less of a canary and more of a light goldenrod that’s breaking apart into smaller pieces. So overall it’s still about 50%, but rather than a whole lot of it super vivid, it’s really light and broken up. Like it could all disappear at any given moment.  And with Aaravos having been inside her head for two whole years, it’s like he’s constructed a fragile bridge out of her good parts, and bounced on it with all his might. 

There’s probably more to talk about, but I’ve been trying to figure out what that is for four days and still haven’t gotten there, so if I think of it later I’ll make another post or something. 

There’s only two rambles with bj left (that I currently have planned, but there’s probably gonna be more coming), and they’re the biggest ones so I keep putting it off.  One of them is a whole analysis of why Viren is a horrible father (specifically to Soren but also to Claudia but more-so to Soren), and there’s so much research and specific screenshots I need to find for it and I will do it I just haven’t found the motivation yet  And the other is an entire explanation of why Terry and Claudia’s relationship feels weird and my thoughts of Terry and currently the title is “everything to do with Terry” and I’m pretty sure that one’s also gonna be a long one that’ll take a lot of time cos I’ve personally never been in a romantic relationship so I might need to do research and ask people things and rewatch season 4 a million times to psychoanalyse Terry and figure out What His Deal is cos I have no clue as of right now and I’ll need to figure that out for that post and yeah. 

So don’t expect anything big from me in terms of tdp for the next little while. They will be there, just not until I can find my motivation. (Which sucks cos I’ve literally had a whole week of absolutely nothing and so much time and so much energy but no motivation at all, and I just know I’m only gonna feel like doing it when I finally have something going on.) 

Anyway that’s that, Viren sucks but also he’s kinda getting better and it’s confusing me so much pls I’m trying to hate him, I’ll post more at some point, I love you all, have a great day, bye! 

[preciadosbass]

15/8/24 [1 DIY/2, if you concider the jacket diy due to the custom aspects + got 2 CDS!! key & significant photos at end]

reguarding the end of yesterdays journal, the update for when i actually went to sleep was 3:40-50. i woke up today at 8, fed boris and briefly said goodmorning to him, checked my socials, and got to adding a new addition to the things i post. i’ve decided to do weekly recaps/highlights to focus on the cool things i’ve done because i can imagine most people dont want to read the long journals i write and find out if there’s anything interesting hidden in there. i therefore started screenshotting parts of my previous journals to write it down and make a draft/drafts. at 9:20 i started making just random drafts, like unposted pictures ive taken at reptile experience, things like that.

AND saw the new gerard way sighting via my tumblr feed!! apparently he was at the cinema again XD — at 9:30 i started downloading drawing references of my fav musicians and got to drawing my killjoy oc again at the same sort of time. i finished at 10:30 and had to keep on redrawing stuff before uploading it to my phone because i couldn’t find a layer id drawn scribbles on so i could delete it lmaoo // i’m not really happy with how it came out, look for more than a quarter of a millisecond and you notice everything wrong with it. hopefully if i keep up drawing everyday i’ll improve.

i cant expect much from a second time drawing since like 4 years ago but i’m just disappointed. everyone else on here is so talented *cries /hj* i scrolled on scenemo-related posts on my tiktok feed until getting ready to go out. i didn’t plan on going out today, mostly because i thought i’d be sleeping all day, but i didn’t have the urge to go back to sleep so i tagged along to see some family with my parents. i got dressed into my dark cargo jorts [told you i’d be wearing these a lot] and my skinless shirt, as that and my silent hill shirt are the only ones that go with the cargos. i also accidentally forgot all of my bracelets, so i felt naked the entire time i was out. 11:20, i went outside with boris.

he was SO affectionate and spent the whole time i was out there circling around me while pressing his-self onto my back and then going over to my hand to nudge it, and prompt me to stroke him. he’s like this almost all the time but something about it today just made me more happy than usual. i literally couldnt stop smiling. like he was propped up on me that’s so adorable 😭. i must’ve looked crazy to all the people driving past though. i stayed out until 12:10 when i had to leave.

i went out to see my grandad at his assisted living facility, his daughter [my distant aunt], and my other grandad, of whom i didn’t know was coming until we got there. i listened to underoath and paramore during the car ride and we got there at 12:30. i was greeted by the care home’s cat and with my grandad [the one who lives independently] WITH LITERALLY JUST HIS FRONT TEETH AND NO OTHER ONES APART FROM HIS BOTTOM SET 😭 he talked about something to do with this when i came round his house not too long ago but i thought he’d have more than two?? just joking, he found it funny i was surprised too.

the care home had this outside music thingy on so me, my mum, and my mums dad sat in the garden while my aunt and dad wheeled my grandad down to our table. he wasn’t as unresponsive as he sometimes is today. it was clear he tried to make conversation and said a few things which were just so - him. [he has dementia and dosent usually speak/has little to no mobility to an extent/has been this way since i can remember etc. just tryna give you an idea of why this was amazing.] a few times he came out with like, full sentences, which was nice to hear. my aunt also gave me the can tabs shes been collecting for me. me and my dad left to go charity shopping [thrifting] at 2, while the others stayed. we went into at least seven/eight and in the third i found an evanescence cd RAA - such a good find. not even a minute later my dad pointed out an avril lavigne cd which i also took and bought.

i cant wait to play them both, i just need to find something to do while listening. i’m bad at just listening to music without another task, i end up focusing on my thoughts and not taking in or processing any of the lyrics etc. me and dad walked back to the home and sat with the others for a bit before my dad and aunt took my grandad back up to the living room area. to be fair it was getting colder and we had to head off anyways. he didn’t like the lift very much but they eventually got him into his signature chair around all of his housemates and i said goodbye to him. i gave him a hug and he kissed me on the top of my head without any prompt whatsoever, which was heartwarming. we starting driving back at 3 and i listened to gerard way on the way home before having not even a minute long nap.

we got home at 3:10 and boris was so happy to see me. he ran up to the car once we’d parked and meowed at me while lifting up his head for me to stroke it. i stayed outside with him and added the new can tabs to my tab bracelet. it was enough to finish it so i tied it off and it’s a perfect fit. its big enough to go down my arm a bit, but not big enough to fall off my wrist. at 4:50 i randomly sparked an idea to make an upcycled necklace with one of my favourite musicians on it. i didn’t have any pictures of jaime or chi that were small enough to fit on a bottlecap, so i resorted to a print of kellin quinn. my dad drilled holes through a corona bottlecap and once he was done i used mod-podge to still the picture onto it. i left it to dry on a book and went back outside with boris.

he came inside to sit on the table so i also sat there with him until around 7:20 as my phone ran out. while i was sitting with him however, i attempted to draw my killjoy oc again. its honestly embarrassing so i’m never letting anyone see it and i hope i neevr do again — but it’s a shame because i genuinely thought it’d turn out alright. in my room i checked to see if my necklace had dried [it had], doomscrolled on tiktok, and saved outfit inspo. this lasted up until 8:30 and at this time i got dressed again to try on one of the outfits in question, just so i knew how it looked on me so i can wear it the next time i do something.

the outfit was: [there’s a photo at the end but you can’t see a few things because of the lighting] a sleeping with sirens shirt, with a long sleeved burgundy shirt underneath it rolled up to just above my elbows. with my can tab bracelet, a studded single rowed cuff, a wooden bracelet, a string bracelet consisting of lots of shades of blue, an earth colour schemed crystal ball bracelet, ripped skinny jeans, and a sleeping with sirens band bracelet. after taking photos for journal reference and so i don’t forget anything when i wear it, i found a plain black zip up jacket. i took a few pins off my backpack and added them to the pockets and neck piece/line.

they consisted of: a saw pin, a paper clip with the gay flag on [again, not even really because i’m gay - i just love the colours, a paper clip with a black stone/crystal sphere attatched, a pin implying taxidermy, a kellin quinn pin, and a pentagram pin. i tried it on, and maybe it’s just because of the general heat [although i tried it on at night and my room dosent have a working radiator or anything] but it warms me up almost immediately. which is great because i haven’t worn a coat since i started dressing alt and im always cold. i did all of the above while listening to my new evanescence cd — my favourite song from the album hasnt changed, its imaginary. afterwards i went out to the kitchen table and sat with boris.

my sister suddenly [i say suddenly, she’s always like this - which is why it’s so draining.] started screaming at the top of her lungs and jumping and punching the floor [the ceiling above the kitchen] and it was terrifying boris and archie. boris was already panicking, and then it set off the dog because he must’ve thought someone was dying. it was deafening. i went upstairs, frustrated, because she genuinely acts like she dosent share a house with anyone else and screams while gaming everyday; despite also being told to quiet down everyday. she also knows how loud she’s being, and how sound sensitive me and the animals are. anyway, i asked her to be quiet because she’s scaring boris [in an slight angry tone, because it was angering. but not like, anywhere near shouting.] and she replied with something along the lines of ‘no im not, and i don’t care.’

i told her to stop again and she shook her head and continued speaking to whoever she was playing a game with. i just said her name, again, implying for her to stop and she smirked and started waving at me. i said ‘what is wrong with you?’, she told me she hates me, and i walked off. then i cried for like 30mins because i felt guilty about saying that. i’m just really sick and tired of my cat, who lives here, feeling scared in his own home because of her. aswell as me, i also feel on edge here because of the whole screaming thing, and how angry she gets over it when she’s told to shut her door or quiet down. [shutting doors dosent make a difference though, as our house is from the 1800s and the walls are paper thin.] i carried on accompanying boris and made a couple of gerard way gifs at 11.

i went into my room for a split second and when i came back i saw that boris was sitting in corner beside the doorway of the kitchen. which i immediately thought was really weird, and then i saw that he’d been sick. i called my dad because i don’t know how to clean stuff like that up from our old floors and tried my best to comfort him. he wasn’t really having it, which makes sense because he obviously couldn’t have been feeling good. it was a hairball, thankfully [and unkthankfully, of course], most likely due to him licking/biting out lots of his hair because of the bugs from outside getting on him. my mum will be giving him treatment for it soon, it’s just always trouble when its applied, because he gets very agitated and one he runs away, your not getting another chance. and if you do get through to him and apply the treatment, you can’t really fuss him for over a day.

which is such an obstacle for me because i try my best to spend a lot, if not all, of my free time with him. he kept on wanting to go outside afterwards, so i left him to his own devices as he was still quite skittish over being around anyone. at 12:20 i was in my room after checking if he wanted to come in, when i decided i was gunna nap. i slept on and off for 10 minutes before my mum came back from being out with her friend. i napped again, this time on and off for 15-20 minutes. she came back once id woken up and let boris in with her. he straight away had something to eat at the bowls outside my room’s door and was purring. my mum told me that it was raining outside so i felt terrible that id accidentally left him out there while i slept. hopefully he managed to get under my dads car/the bit over the front door but he was clearly wet.

i attempted to fuss him and apologise. i spoke to my mum about why i think he’s not okay and then got the yes to coming up and doing the questions. on the way upstairs, boris followed me round the living room and onto the living room table. he put his head back for me to stroke it and purred again. which sort of gave me the idea that he was/is feeling better, which i hope with every part of me is the case. upon going up to ask the questions, my sister got into a huge heated argument with my parents over some update that’s coming to one of the game she plays tomorrow. she said that it’s being released at 4am our [UK] time.

my mum said my sister could put an alarm on her phone, but she said that it won’t wake her up and started begging my parents to wake up at 4 to get her up. they said no and she started screaming and everything. she finally went into her room after my dad looked it up and found out it’s allegedly happening at 9, so she got her phone back for 10 minutes to put on another alarm and tell her friend that the original time is most likely wrong. i started doing my questions after my sister agreed she wouldn’t disrupt them and everything would still be okay, even though she’s not supposed to be awake when i do things like this. mainly because of change in routine.

i started doing my questions and she came into my parents room and i had to stop. she eventually left after kind of verifying that didn’t mess everything up and i finished doing my questions. i actually managed to get downstairs at 2:25, so that’s also when i finished them. it took longer that it should’ve because of the really long argument and after boris being sick, i had even more reasons to believe he isn’t okay. and, my parents didn’t ask me to do them until quite late. i went on to pour myself some icy water, feed boris, do my teeth, and then say goodnight to boris.

i showed him what i’d done today and fed him his treats like always. he was purring like crazy throughout the whole time i was speaking to him which made me feel really relaxed. i finished at an unknown time [i thought i logged it but apparently not] and went to sleep at 4:10.

🗝️ — boris/my cat, archie/immediate family’s dog, questions [about boris]/i ask my parents questions about my cat to verify he’s okay + will be okay in the morning. its a compulsive thing and i’m hopefully going to be tested for OCD in the future.

have a good day/night O_o