#which is useful! and i appreciate it now. (except for yoga. still don't like it)

[metastablephysicist]

just learned about scotch darning. oh the humble blanket stitch... <3

[rahullkohli]

Hi, Annika. I just saw your last post and I wanted to check in and see if you're doing okay. I am sending you my best.

jesus christ this is two months old, i am so sorry. thank you so much for checking in on me, it's honestly so nice to log in to see. i appreciate it so much. i'll just put explanation under a cut because it's all just a lot. you don't have to read, but at least i can use it to dump my brain for what's been going on, because i don't have anyone to talk to about it.

but ily for caring about me, i truly was scared to log in and find that no one had noticed i was gone and that people just forgot i existed.

so basically, my dad was in the hospital with a blood clot in his eye at the beginning of december, which fucked up his sight a lot. and everything was just so heavy with christmas being the worst time of the year for me, and then on top of that last year was absolute hell for me so i just fell heavy into the depression.

then on january 4th or sth my dad had another blood clot in the brain, which brings us to the ninth blood clot in his brain in about two years. this time around was the worst hit so far, and he now needs so much help. so i'm basically his primary caregiver again. he has a nurse that comes a couple times a week, and social health workers coming every day to make sure he eats, do some cleaning, help with stuff like laundry and such, which is a huge relief. but there's still so many other things he can't help with, and that all falls on me. like going to his hospital appointments with him because his memory and eyes are basically worthless at this point.

on top of that my depression is just getting worse and worse. except for when i go to help my dad, i don't see anyone socially. my dad never asks me about how i'm doing, how my life is, or anything like that, neither does the rest of my family. i only hear from them when they ask about our dad. so i am more or less just a tool for them.

and tumblr just started feeling like such a negative place. most of what i saw was people telling others what they were allowed to like and not like, and if you didn't adhere to those rules you were told you were a monster. and most stuff i saw on my dash seemed to be new things i didn't have the energy to engage with (i still haven't watched wednesday even though i was so excited for it). and it was a lot of all the bad crap happening in the world, and tumblr didn't feel like an escape any longer, it just felt like it was amplifying my depression, and speaking into the catastrophe thinking side of my OCD and anxiety, and it made my intrusive thoughts hit a level i honestly haven't experienced before, and i was genuinely afraid of myself.

and i'm just exhausted. the past three months i have been in bed when i haven't been doing stuff for my dad. the only thing i have for myself to keep me sane atm is running twice a week, yoga once a week, and song lessons once a week. the support person i got switched to after my old one quit is on sick leave now, so i have a temp, but i can't really talk to her because all of my shit is just such a heavy baggage and i don't know where to start, especially since i'm hopefully only seeing her for another month.

i'm just tired. if i didn't have cas to take care of, i think i would have asked my doctors about options for psychiatric hospitals for a while. i feel like a zombie most of the time, and i only keep going because there's not really any other alternative. so i guess that's that.

at least i was able to work things out with my vet bill, and i'll be paying the last installment next month, and cas is strong and healthy as if nothing happened.

also, i'm using pedro pascal to cope.so that too.

[the-pregnancy-experience]

I am currently pregnant. In high school I was diagnosed with anorexia. I am 35 and long recovered from that, but have had periods of being overweight and losing it, to gaining it, to trying to lose it again. I got pregnant at 25 lbs overweight while just getting back into the gym and tracking my calories seriously, and am now 22 weeks pregnant.

I will say that my body image has had ups and downs since I got pregnant. It was actually more difficult in the beginning, because I began seeing changes very rapidly, such as my pants not fitting at 8 weeks and shirts being too tight around 12 weeks (my boobs grew a cup size, and my band size 4 inches from my ribs expanding). It was, and still is, difficult to process these changes that you have very little control over. There's also bloating and water retention going on, which can shift from week to week. I feel like my face is very puffy right now which really bothers me when I see photographs of myself. However, I do think some of these changes are more obvious to me than others.

Conversely, and paradoxically, I have felt *better* about my body in recent weeks than I have in a long time. This began when I really started to show. You know how you've spent all those years trying on clothes and hoping they don't highlight your stomach or make you look pregnant? Well, when you are actually pregnant, that isn't a concern anymore. I've always opted for looser fitting tops, but while pregnant, a tighter fit is actually more flattering on me. And I like what I see! I actually purchased a tight dress, sort of body con tyle, for a wedding, that normally I would never feel comfortable wearing, but it's very flattering due to my new shape.

Fortunately, I am still able to work out, albeit modified, which makes me feel good about my body as well. Pregnancy truly is a miracle and a feat of strength of endurance (seriously, look it up; it's basically the equivalent of doing an endurance sport every day for nearly 10 months) and I've started to truly appreciate just how well my body is doing at making a totally new life.

In terms of weight gain, I'm about 5-10 lbs up from where I started. I have tracked calories this entire time. While it is not advised, generally, to restrict calories during pregnancy, I upped my calories but have still been tracking. My doctor said that *gentle* calorie restriction, given that I started overweight, is okay. However, depending on your history, this can lead to disordered eating so I would caution anyone to have a conversation with their doctor about this. As for me, I have certainly not deprived myself, and always eat at least 1700 calories a day and more often 2,000. My husband has remarked on my rear and legs look smaller, so I believe that some of my pre-baby fat has been used to create the baby and its accoutrements, leading me to actually slim down in some places. I actually like my ass more now than I did before pregnancy! My baby is currently in the 85th percentile for size, so there is no concern that I am not eating enough.

Another thing that keeps me positive is that when you hear weight gain normally--you think gaining excess fat. But weight gain during pregnancy is different. You are gaining weight because your blood volume increases, you grow an entirely new organ (placenta), your breasts typically grow larger, and of course, the baby itself. So when I see the scale increase, I remember that much of the gain will be released upon birth--the baby, the placenta, etc. I am not strictly gaining fat from being poorly disciplined--this is a gain that is intended to happen.

With all that said, sometimes I do struggle with my body image. Sometimes I have days where I feel like an absolute planet. I only wear yoga pants now, with the exception of some loose dresses that still fit. I bought some maternity shapewear that smooths things out. And sometimes it's not really about my body image, but the fact that I can't wear the clothes I *want* to wear and I'm not sure when I'll fit into them again--it's like part of my life is on hold, so to speak. I wasn't much of a shopper, but clothes shopping just like, doesn't apply to me right now? And I kind of miss the idea of just browsing in a store and finding something cute and buying it--but I know I'll be able to do that again soon.

Reddit poster 2023

[rookie-critic]

Clerks III (2022, dir. Kevin Smith) - review by Rookie-Critic

Clerks III (dir. Kevin Smith) ends the saga of Dante and Randall in about the most Kevin-Smithiest way possible. After having a heart attack, Randall decides that he's never done anything meaningful with his life and wants to change that by making a movie about his life, which ends up being exactly what it sounds like: they set out to make Clerks. Now, it's not called Clerks in-universe, but you get the idea. The film is packed full of in-jokes and meta-humor and that particular Kevin-Smith brand of camp that works at times and really doesn't work at others. I'll break my feelings about the film down into 3 parts that just happen to coincide with the acts of the film.

Act 1 of the film, leading up to the filming of the movie-within-the-movie and maybe a few scenes after that, is insanely funny. Jay & Silent Bob just absolutely run away with every scene they're in. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith have had 28 years to really perfect these characters, and perfect them they have. Their comedic chemistry is electric, their comedic timing is uncannily perfect, and their comedic presence in the film is absolute. Cameos from the likes of Amy Sedaris, Ben Affleck, Fred Armisen, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze, Jr. and more work well and the meta-humor really gives fans of the franchise everything they could ever ask for out of a film like this. People can say what they want about Kevin Smith's narrative writing or even certain aspects of his comedic writing, but the guy knows how to be funny. Even his worst movies (remember that I have unfortunately seen Yoga Hosers) have good comedic moments and Clerks III is no exception.

Act 2, the middle of the film, is, well, middling (I'll talk about my qualms with the film as a whole here as well). I felt like the middle third of the film dragged significantly compared to both the beginning and the end (which we'll get into in a minute). The meta scenes are still there, and the nostalgic punch they pack doesn't lose its potency, but I feel like the film didn't need a lot of the fluff that it had. I didn't necessarily need a reference to every single bit from the first film (although I did appreciate the love given to Clerks II, despite that not being as well accepted by the populace). I could have used a couple more scenes that built up the story of this film and the 15 year gap that exists in-universe between this and Clerks II. I guess my point with this particular tangent is that this film's runtime is 1 hour and 55 minutes and I feel like it could have been an even 90-95 minutes and been better for it. Another thing that kind of bugged me, and I get why they did it this way, it's just a little frustrating, is that in one scene Dante and Randall are reminiscing about their time as clerks at the Quick Stop, and literally everything they mention is something that happened in the original film. Again, I get why they did it that way, but the entirety of the first Clerks film takes place over the course of one day. If Randall is making a film about his life, wouldn't it need to include more than just the events of one day in 1994 when a litany of strange things happened? Also, speaking of Dante and Randall, this movie really required Brian O'Halloran and Jason Anderson to push the limits of their acting abilities, and as much as I love him and the character of Dante, I personally don't think O'Halloran was able to rise to this particular occasion. I also wasn't a huge fan of the Elias character in this film. I feel like his weird awkward acting in Clerks II worked for that film's overall feel, but not really for this one. With that, let's move on to the final act.

Act 3, which I'll be narratively vague about so as to avoid spoilers, is the saving grace of the film. The end of this movie hits you hard with that Kevin Smith sentimentality that I mentioned in my Clerks II review, and goddammit it works on me. A lot of the emotional weight of the last act of the film gets placed on Jason Anderson's shoulders, and where I feel like Brian O'Halloran's performance was lackluster, I feel like Anderson's performance soars. His monologue in one of the film's final scenes is genuinely very emotional, and encapsulates exactly what I love about Kevin Smith's movies (at least the one's I've watched so far). This is a man who genuinely, whole-heartedly, and undyingly loves what he does, loves his body of work, and loves the characters that exist within that work. Seeing Marilyn Ghigliotti back as Veronica, seeing all of the bit players from that original film come back to reprise their roles for the "filmed" bits of Randall's movie, watching the film open on a scene of the duo playing hockey on the roof (with another great cameo from the Comic Book Men crew) while the entirety of "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance blasted out of the theater speakers over the scene, it all just makes you feel so warm inside. Kevin Smith pours his entire being into these movies and you can tell; it pours out of every frame and, as I mentioned in my review of the second film, it is fucking infectious. Did I cry at the end of the film? Maybe a little. I for sure got choked up, and I can tell that, had I been a lifelong fan of the franchise as I could tell everyone else in the theater with me was, I would have been on the floor sobbing by the time the credits started to roll. So, is the acting good? Largely no, save for a couple of the big players. Do the jokes work? About half of the time, sure. The movie largely is just ok by all accounts, but dammit, I just can't dislike it. I can't bring myself to. I can't even bring myself to down to ok. With all of its many faults, I still unabashedly like Clerks III. Kevin Smith has my support to the end of the line.

Score: 7/10

Currently available to rent or purchase on digital (iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, etc.) and on DVD, Blu-ray, and 4K through Lionsgate Films.

[find-me-beneath-wonderland]

An Unexpected Magical Experience

So my fiance and I took a trip together with my family to Disneyland back in May of this year, 2019.

We didn't know exactly what to expect on this trip. I haven't been to the park in years because of the prices, and I believe he hasn't gone since he was very young. We planned that we would all go to Disneyland the 1st day, California Adventure the 2nd, and back to Disneyland on the 3rd day. We all didn't have to stick together of course, we just wanted to be in the same park as each other at the least. My fiance has epilepsy and gets seizures if there's flashing lights/strobes, we were unsure as to which rides had these and which ones did not. We would ask every Cast Member before either boarding a ride or entering a show; they either did not know or said that there were no lights when there actually was...

Day 1:

Went horribly. Every ride we went on had lights of some sort that rapidly flashed or strobed. He had lots of convulsions and 4-5 seizures. We went on Indiana Jones and all was fine until the end where the camera is. He wasn't expecting it, I forgot about it entirely.. he was unable to get up and out of the seat. He couldn't move his legs and I asked a Cast Member for just a few moments because he's epileptic and the camera flash had got him. I had seen him struggling to even stay standing so I stepped back on and picked him up to carry him off so the next guests could board the vehicle. It took him about 10-15 minutes to recover from.

While we were in Toon Town, both of our favorite spot in the park, we picked up Pin Trading. A Cast Member had given him a starter pin and a Stitch(one of his most favorite characters) pin. Before even entering the park to begin with, he had buttons and pins on him. He had a pin in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head that had the German flag colors on it, it meant a lot to him. As we were walking through Main Street, it fell off and we were unaware of it at the time; he noticed it was missing as we were walking back to the hotel we were staying in. The entire day had been really horrible, and losing that pin made it worse...

Day 2:

We went on one of the CARS rides in CARS Land, that ride was okay, it was the dancing cars that spin.

We went on Monsters Inc, that was alright as well except for the part where the helicopters are searching for Boo.

We ate at Flo's Diner. We had an okay day. No seizures, it was a lot better.

Day 3:

Was the best out of all the days!

I told him I wanted to walk the same path we've been taking to the park from the hotel, just in case we do find his pin. I had a lot of hope and a drive that was not gonna die. He gave up and had told me that it wasn't going to be found, he was pessimistic about it, but calm. I told him that anything is possible and that we were gonna find his pin on one of those trading boards.

Our day started out horribly.. we get to the park and we're in line behind a couple with a stroller, we follow them and the Cast Member tells us to get back in line instead of behind the ones with the stroller; we didn't know... A family cuts in front of us and he's freaking out and wants to just leave the whole place and go back to the hotel since we weren't having that great of a time the past few days. He's not in a good mood at all, there's screaming children and loud talking, and music, and overall so many noises going on all at once; so this family is the last straw for him at the moment. We finally get in after them and he goes up to them and just says, "Hey, you guys cut us in line and we didn't appreciate it at all. We would really like an apology." He was being very polite about it. The tall husband gets in his face and he's like, "What did you say to me? I'll knock those glasses right off your face. [Etc]." He takes them off and I'm holding him back and apologizing to this family while the wife looks at me and is like, "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!" and it was a shitty and scary encounter. They almost got in a fist fight because this guy didn't feel they did anything wrong and just wanted to start confrontation while acting all macho. People walking by us were like, "Come on guys, it's Disneyland. Don't do this." as if we started any of this. So they ended up going their own way and we went ours. We met Goofy and got his autograph. We went to City Hall and gave names of Cast Members that were amazing and made our experience magical the past few days despite the mishaps that happened.

We stopped by Esmeralda, and I had never tried the machine out until then. He put a quarter in, then gave me one. We got these cards from her that actually happened to.. happen. His card said, "A magic cityscape may unfold before you today. Your adventures could have their 'downs and ups' and may let you hoist a secret flag, or take part in a "spirited" adventure." so we just thought that meant go to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mine said, "A look into the future is in your future today. Visit another galaxy or blast your way to command the stars." We figured my card meant go to Tomorrowland, so we went there first and we got on the Monorail from there and it took us to Downtown Disney. There was a Pin Trading station and I traded a pin for one that was shaped like Mickey Mouse's head but had the French flag colors.

He suggested it because I love France, but once we walked away he had wished I didn't get that one because he was starting to miss his Germany one again. We got back into the park and we were walking around going to different shops still looking for pins. We walked into this one store called Castle.. well... we both saw it at the same time on the trading board, and we freaked out and started crying together. It was his Germany pin.

Later on after the sun went down and we were getting tired, we found my mom and her best friend, told them both about our day and what our cards from Esmeralda did. Then we told them to meet us at the Magic shop because we were gonna grab a few things.

So after we got what we were needing to get, we met them at the Magic shop and we were doing a pretend pin trade between each other, just goofing off. A lady saw us and came up to him to ask if she could trade with him as well to give her daughter a pin before they leave that night back to Washington; she said "Just something really Disney."

He had a Lion King pin, it was baby Simba as the painting on the cave wall, he handed her that one because he strongly felt that one meant something and she said that it's so crazy because her daughter has that exact tattoo and her yoga studio is called "Hakuna Mayoga". He almost gave her a Cheshire cat one.. he told her how he has a gift and how stuff like that usually just happens all the time. She called her daughter over and she showed us her tattoo on her shoulder. They left and my mom pulls out her Esmeralda card and said, "We both went and got those cards after you guys told us about them.. but I wasn't gonna say anything, until now." My mom's had something to do with "witnessing a magical experience" and her best friend's was that she "was gonna join along for an adventure that she normally doesn't get to do"(she never gets to get out of her house often).

That was truly a magical wild ride

[miniatureflowerslimepurse]

How to Manifest Anything You Want or Desire

Yes, that includes love...as well as money.

Manifestation, also known as the law of attraction, is a concept that many people are familiar with. After all, it's a subject that thought leaders like Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Gabrielle Bernstein, Iyanla Vanzant, and Oprah have discussed. (For the record, they all believe you can manifest anything.)

But, first and foremost, while manifesting is all about making your dreams a reality, it does necessitate taking concrete measures toward your goals—so don't expect it to happen overnight or while you sleep. That said, we think it's a small price to pay for something that can have such a big effect on your life:

In 2015, Oprah told LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner, “You influence a lot by your thoughts, and we control a lot by our joined thoughts...by what I [and we] believe.” “Once I understood that for myself, I became more aware of what I think and what I ask for," she explained. “I was like, 'What else can I do?'” she says. What else can I manifest now that I've witnessed it work? I've seen it time and time again.

Do you want to give manifestation a shot? Here are the steps that experts recommend you take in order to manifest everything you want, including money and love.

Enable me to take a step back. What does it mean to manifest?

Manifestation is the process of attracting something real into your life through attraction and belief, i.e. if you believe it, it will come. However, manifestation requires more than mere willpower and optimistic thought. “Manifesting is making everything you want to feel and experience a reality,” says Angelina Lombardo, author of A Spiritual Entrepreneur, to OprahMag.com. by way of your feelings

Make a list of your priorities to begin manifesting.

While everybody approaches manifestation in their own specific way, Lombardo claims that the majority of people obey the same basic principles. First and foremost, you must know exactly what you want. "You are the only one who dreams your dreams," she says, "so know it and own it, whether it's a new partner and a stable relationship or a better career."

Whatever you like, one thing is critical: be as specific as possible about your goal. "The more straightforward and succinct, the better," Lombardo says. Instead of simply saying, "I want to meet my soulmate," create a comprehensive image of who that person will be (think: qualities, characteristics, values, etc.)

Ask for what you want after you've set your intention—and write it down on paper.

You need to ask the world for what you desire until you've pinpointed your hopes, dreams, and ambitions. This can be accomplished in a number of ways, including prayer, meditation, visualization, expressing your intentions aloud, creating a vision board, and/or creating a "future package," which is a container filled with pictures of things you want to manifest.

You may also jot down your plan on a piece of paper. If you've spent some time on TikTok, you're probably familiar with the 369 process, which includes writing down what you want three times in the morning, six times in the afternoon, and nine times at night for 33 or 45 days, but it can also be as easy as a letter to the universe.

And then get to work on achieving them.

"Manifesting is also known as co-creating because it's a partnership between you and the Universe," writes Gabrielle Bernstein, author of Super Attractor and The Universe Has Your Back. That is why understanding what you want is only half the battle—action is required to see results. Set aside some time to consider what steps you should take to achieve your goals on your own.

“Another way to manifest while being ‘in action' is to ask yourself, ‘What would my future self be thinking?' The reason for this is that reframing your mind can (and will) help you achieve your goals, dreams, and desires, according to Lombardo. "'Being' the person who already has, does, and feels your goals, dreams, and desires helps you become that person," he adds.

The following move is to be aware of — and grateful for — what you have.

And if you don't get what you want in the order or time frame you want, you can accept and appreciate what you do get—no matter how big or small it is. Gratitude, according to Lombardo, is crucial.

Consider keeping a gratitude book. Spend five to ten minutes before bedtime writing down a few things for which you are grateful, as well as anything that occurred during the day.

Also, let go of any reluctance or restricting values you might have.

You must eliminate any barriers or limiting attitudes, such as anxiety and negative self-talk, in addition to improving your attitude and behaviors. "Telling yourself you're not nice enough, worthy enough, smart enough, enough—a it's tape that's playing for a lot of people," Oprah said on an episode of Oprah's Lifeclass. "If you aren't aware of this, you can behave in line with your moral system rather than what you know or want to be valid for yourself. Since so much of wanting is about living in the absence of something you don't have, you don't become what you want."

Before you can step beyond your limiting values, you must first figure out what they are. To do so, consider the following questions: What are my self-perceptions that might be impeding my progress? Bernstein advises in Add More Ing to Your Life to "write down your answers." "Replace any negative thoughts with optimistic ones by crossing out the limiting beliefs and writing your new affirmations in their place. If your limiting belief is 'I am incomplete without a guy,' reverse it with 'I am complete as I am.' If your limiting belief is 'I am not good enough,' reverse it with 'I am great as I am today.'"

To take it a step further, Lombardo suggests pausing and thinking about all the reasons why you are worthy the next time you find yourself doubting your worth or saying, "I don't deserve this."

Be sure to keep an eye on (and change) your energy levels.

Oprah knows one thing for certain. It's all about energy. She says in The Wisdom of Sundays, "The energy we put out in the universe is the energy we get back." According to Oprah's Super Soul Conversation with Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, if you constantly send out negative energy—whether by your thoughts or feelings—you can draw that energy back to you. On the other hand, if you can change your focus (also known as raising your vibrations), you'll attract more positivity, which will assist you in achieving your goals.

Fortunately for you, recharging your batteries is an easy process: Simply focus on things that promote feelings of joy and satisfaction, such as supporting a friend or family member, contributing to a worthwhile organization, volunteering, beginning your day with a meditation session or a short yoga lesson, spending time in nature, or even treating yourself to some well-deserved self-care.

You may also reflect on the feelings you want to experience. According to Oprah, "Set your goal to be more caring if you want more love in your life. If you want to be compassionate, concentrate your efforts on empathy and compassion."

However, be adaptable and believe in the process.

Despite this, the procedure is fluid. "Trust your actions, dreams, and clarity as well as the 'powers that be,'" Lombardo says, adding that the steps you take aren't as important as your conviction. Faith is an excellent motivator and compass.

You have the ability to manifest love.

The most appealing aspect of manifestation is its wide scope. There are no limits to the law of attraction. “Once you start dialing in the manifestation phase, there are no limits on what you can manifest, how much you can manifest, or how often you can manifest,” says Lombardo.

“New partnerships and intimate relationships are included in this.” However, it is critical to manifest only those people who can assist you in achieving your objectives. She says, "You'll just want to draw people who are drawn to the person you're becoming." “Of course, this will rule out a few interesting opportunities, but I'm confident you'll agree that you'll be happier with someone who understands the ‘you' who is making big decisions.” And, as we've previously said, manifesting love, like anything else, takes work. Where do you begin? Here are a few ideas to get you started meeting new people.

Money is no exception.

The steps for manifesting money are the same as before, but Marla McKenna, author of Manifesting Your Dreams, emphasizes that financial manifestation is based on gratitude (well, and working). “The key to manifesting wealth is to acknowledge and show appreciation for the abundance you already have,” McKenna explains. “So, even if you're having trouble paying your bills, lift your hand,” says the author.

McKenna also recommends that you use visual aids to stay motivated and concentrated. “Buy a bigger purse, imagine yourself floating in a pool of cash, make a monopoly money tree before you can replace it with real money, or write a huge check to yourself thinking that you can cash it one day.”

What's the quickest way to get what you want?

At least according to McKenna, if you see it and experience it, you can achieve it. “Being straightforward on what you want is the best way to manifest something. Don't send conflicting messages to the world... and get to work. It is important that you work against your objectives.” You must still stay open to new ideas.

Request what you want from the world, and keep an eye out for signs of accomplishment or progress. McKenna says, "The only thing standing in the way is you." “You can keep in your hands everything you can imagine in your mind. So get down to business. It's time to start manifesting! ”

Follow the link below to learn how you can follow anything you want!

[auskultu]

The Way Out is In: Barry Miles Interviews George Harrison M.B.E. [IT 19 May 1967]

George Harrison: If you could just say a word and it would tell people something straight to the point, then you take all the words that are going to say everything, and you'd get it in about two lines. Just use those. Just keep saying those words.

Miles: Like the 'Hari Krishna' chants, except there the meaning of the words gradually fades away anyway.

GH: That's right. They get hung up on the meaning of the word rather than the sound of the word. "In the beginning was the word" and that's the thing about Krishna, saying Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, so it's not the word that you're saying, it's the sound: Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna and its just sounds and its great. Sounds are vibrations and the more you can put into that vibration, the more you can get out, action and reaction that's the thing to tell the people. You see it's all very obvious, the whole thing of life and all the answers to everything are in one divine law, Karma action and reaction. It's obvious: everybody knows that if they're happy then usually the people around them are happy, or that people around them happy make them a little happier; that's a proved thing, like "I give to you and you give to me"; they all know that but they haven't thought about it to the point of every action that they do. That's what it is with every action that you do, there's a reaction to it, and if you want a good reaction then you do a good action, and if you want a bad one, then you punch somebody. But that's where it is at. Just that one thing. That's why there is the whole scene of heaven and hell; heaven and hell is right now, right at this moment. You make it heaven or you make it hell by your actions...it's just obvious, isn't it?

M: People don't realise all of the possibilities, they don't realise how much they are in charge of the reality of their situation.

GH: Well that's because of ignorance; everybody is great really and has got to be great because they're going to be here until they get straight and that's it... Everybody would like to be good, that's the silly thing, everybody always likes it when they're having a nice time or when they're happy or when it's sunny, they all dig it; but then they go and forget about it, they never really try to make it nice. They think that it just comes along and it's nice if you're lucky, or if you're unlucky it's bad for you.

M:.......People act unconsciously at this level, they don't realise that they are purposely going out to stop things from getting any better.

GH: They're all ignorant, they fear new things, they fear knowledge somehow, I don't know why. Everything that I ever learned was always so great. I never thought so at the time, it was just that little bit more in your mind an expansion of consciousness or awareness. Even those of us who are very very aware are still so unaware. Everything's relative so that, the more you know, the more you know you don't know anything'....

Christ was the one washing the leper's feet so he was very, very humble, but it's not the way they're putting it down now. They feel as though God is that up there and they are that down there and they don't realise that they are God and that Christ was exactly the same as us but he realises that he was God. That's all it is, we're God too but we don't realise it....

I'm a person who's trying to live within divine law, to the best, and. it's very hard because it's self-discipline, because the more you realise, the more you've got to get yourself straight, so it's hard, you know. I'm trying and there are a lot of people who are trying, even people who are not conscious that they are doing it, but they are really...doing things for the good, or just to be happy or whatever. But then there's those other people, but you've got to have them to have this...I'm not a part of anything in particular, because it's not really 1967 and it's not half-past eight, that's still what people have said it is. So it's just a little bit of time out of the cycle. There's this Indian fellow who worked out a cycle like the idea of stone-age, bronze-age, only he did it on an Indian one. The cycle goes from nothing until now and 20th century and then on and right round the cycle until the people are really grooving and then it just sinks back into ignorance until it gets back into the beginning again. So the 20th century is a fraction of that cycle, and how many of those cycle has it done yet? Its done as many as you think and all these times its been through exactly the same things, and it'll be this again. Only be a few million million years and it'll be exactly the same thing going on, only with other people doing it...I am part of the cycle, rebirth death, rebirth death, rebirth death. Some of the readers will know exactly what I mean, the ones who believe in re-incarnation. It's pointless me trying to explain things like rebirth and death because I've just accepted that, you know, I can leave that.

M: The final death comes when the energy of consciousness reaches a point of complete unity with the universal energy flow and then ZAP, no more rebirth.

GH: But that's in that book. That is the final release of that bit of you that is God so that it can merge into everything else. ("Autobiography of a Yogi"). It's a far-out book, it's a gas. Through Yoga, anybody can attain; it's a God realisation; you just practise Yoga and if you really mean it, then you'll do it. You'll do it to a degree...there's Yogis that have done it to such a degree that they're God, they're like Christ and they can walk on the water and materialise bodies and they can do all those tricks. But that's not the point; the point is that we can all do that and we've all got to do that and we'll keep on being reborn because for the law of action and reaction; "What-so-ever a man soweth, that shall he also reap"; you reap when you come back in your next birth, what you've sewn in your previous incarnation, that's I why I'm me and you're you and he's him and we are all whoever we are. From when I was born where I am now, all I did was to be me to get this; Whatever you've done, you get it back, so you can either go on, or you can blow it.

the buzz of all buzzes

M: Are you concerned with communication?

GH: Oh, yes, of course, we are all one, I mean communication, just the realisation of human love reciprocated, it's such a gas, it's a good vibration which makes you feel good. These vibrations that you get through Yoga, Cosmic chants and things like that, I mean it's such a buzz, it buzzes you out of everywhere. It's nothing to do with pills or anything like that. It's just in your own head, the realisation, it's such a buzz, it buzzes you right into the astral plane.

Nobody can become a drug addict if they're hip. Because it's obvious that if you're hip then you've got to make it. The buzz of all buzzes which is the thing that is God—you've got to be straight to get it. I'm sorry to tell you (turning to microphone)...you can get it better or more if you're straight because you can only get it to a degree. You know even if you get it, you only get it however long your pill lasts. So the thing is, if you really want to get it permanently, you have got to do it, you know...Be healthy, don't eat meat, keep away from those Night-Clubs and MEDITATE....

The clan. The Klu Klux Klan or whatever they are. Do you know, it's stupid, isn't it, they're only little fellows who just put on their outfit, it's like we could be them, you just get your outfit and you go out with your little banner shouting at somebody like that. There was all that thing about the "Klan are coming to get us" at a concert somewhere in the States—and there were about 4 or 5 of them walking up and down, shouting, "Don't go in there...." something about that Christ thing, and there was all the kids' shouting at them and laughing at them and that and then the police came around and told them to move away. It wasn't like you imagine...people with all fiery crosses and coming to burn us. Oh yes that was silly.

M: Did you find it easy to communicate with people in India?

GH: With most of the people you just communicate you don't have to talk. There are such great musicians; it was so nice and it was really just so... straight. They have a whole thing of trying to be humble, you've got to be humble really to be yourself or to get a chance to be yourself. If you're not humble, your ego and your big cabbage head are getting in the way. There were these musicians who are all advanced students of Ravi's and he'd been giving them a lesson. We were there just to watch a bit, and he sat in the middle and sang and they all followed him and went through about two and a half hours...improvised the whole lot. He was singing—which was pretty far out. All these people playing knocked me out so much, it was so great yet they were so humble and saying "It's such a pleasure to meet you," which was horrible because I was trying to be humble there. I was there for that, not for anything to do with being a Beatle. Ravi Shankar is so brilliant and these fellows, as far as I was concerned, were very far out....with people you communicate, there is no bullshit, because they don't create it. It's not so much a game as Western thought because they're a bit more spiritually inclined and they just sort of feel...

M: Did you just realise this yourself?

GH: I felt the vibrations all the time from the people I was with. They've all got their problems but they're just happy and vibrate.

M: You didn't search out a Guru?

GH: Ravi's my musical Guru, but the whole musical thing was too much just to be able to appreciate it whether I play or not. I've never been knocked out with anything for so long. But then later I realised that there wasn't the real thing, that was still only a little stepping stone for me to see. Through the music you reach the spiritual but the music's very involved with the spiritual JBS we know from Hari Krishna we just heard.* It's so attuned to the spiritual scene, it depends how spiritual the musician is. Ravi is fantastic. He just sits there with a bit of wire and just does all that and say all that, things that you know and can't say because there's no words and he can say it like that.

M: Why does it come across best in music?

GH: Because music is sound, vibrations, whereas paintings are vibrations of whatever you pick up. If not actually an energy vibration you get from a groovy painting, but music and sound seem to travel along vibrations, you know the whole thing with mantras is to repeat and repeat those sounds...it's vibrations in everything like prayers and hymns. They don't know about this over here. Prayer is to vibrate, do the devotion, whatever it is, to whoever you believe in, Christ or Buddha or Krishna or any of them. You get the response depending on how much you need it. Those people become that because they give it out, they want it so much, they give out so much, they get back so much, it snowballs until you're Christ. You know we're back to that again. I'm not really hip to too much of the Zen or the Buddhist point of view, but you see I don't have to because I just know that they're all the same, its all the same, it's just which ever one you want to take and it happens that I'm taking the Hindu one...Be straight with yourself just to maybe save a few more people from being stupid and being ignorant. That's what we're doing here now, talking, because we've got to save them, because they're all potentially divine.

M: Does that concern you much?

GH: I couldn't cut off from everyone, because I'm still leaning on them, so if I'm leaning on them then there's someone leaning on me, only very subtly. I'm part of a structure that's going on and rather than cop out now, just at the moment, because I'm not ready, I'll wait. Maybe later on I'll get into where it's peaceful. We're already getting going, so that we'll have somewhere nice to be, because that's what it is you know, everybody should just stay at home and meditate and they'd be so much happier. That'll all come for us, because we are going to make it. "You make and preserve the image of your choice". But still we've got to communicate. We've got to be doing things because we're part of it and because it's nice. You've got to have an outlet. It's like having a big intake in the front of your head and there's so much going on, and it's going through all this, and there's a little exhaust-pipe on the back, that goes POW and lets a bit out. The aim is to get as much going out the back as is coming in. You've got to do that because for everything you get in you've got to give something out. So The Beatles, and whatever our own personal interests are, what we're doing from day to day, then that's like our little exhaust, coming out the back.

M: Which seems to be getting bigger and bigger?

GH: Well it's got to be but it's great, just the realisation of it all, everything feasible because its all only a dream anyway and that gives you infinite scope. You just go on and on and on until you go right rut there. The thing is we could go; there's times, I'm sure, where we hold back a lot with things like Strawberry Fields. I know there's a lot of people who like that who probably wouldn't have liked us a year ago. And then there's a lot of people who didn't like it who did like us a year ago. It's all the same really. Just some people pretend it's not happening. But they know, they simply must know. Because we're all together on this thing, we're just part of it and we'd like to get as many people who want to be a part of it with us. And if we really freaked out....

M: Do you think you're bringing most of them along with you?

GH: Well, we're losing a lot but we're gaining a lot too, I think. I dunno. But what I think, whatever it is, It's good. When somebody does something which everybody really wants to do, then it makes everyone else try a bit harder and strive for something better, and it's good. If ever we've done something like that then everybody's been there. We're as much influenced by everybody else as they are by us, if they are. It's just all a part of the big thing. I give to you and you give to me and it goes like that into the music you know.

guru and disciple

GH: The Guru and Disciple relationship is where the person has a 100% belief in the Guru and that way you put your trust in the Guru, that he's going to get you out of this mess. If you are a Christian, then Christ is your Guru, and they' re all disciples of Christ. If they are. So to put your full belief in your Guru, because it's for your own good, because you've decided that...It's just having a lot of respect for the person and it's like that with music as well...You should love your instrument and respect it. Whenever Ravi does a concert he'll put his special thing on, and get nice and clean, and washed up and get his joss-sticks going. He's very straight, he doesn't drink or smoke or anything like that and by his real devotion he's mastered the thing. By his own discipline. He's playing for 18 hours a day for about 15 years, that's why he's that good. I've got no illusions about being a sitar player, I mean it's nothing like that. I really see it in perspective because he's got about 10,000,000 students who are all so groovy playing the sitar and yet he's only got hope for one of them to really make it, so that's me out for a kick-off. But that's not the important thing you see. The thing is, that however little you learn of it, it's too much, it's too much. Indian music is brilliant and for me, anyway, (this is only personal) it's got everything in it. I still like electronics and all sorts of music if it's good but Indian music is just... an untouchable you can't say what it is, because it just is.

...Your religion, or whatever you're doing, so if your' re putting out something to make people happy and something that's a bit devotional. It's got to be. If you spend all your life in a studio; you can't last out if it's not. Stockhausen (he's the one we mention in IT, Stockhausen, he's really IT) and all the others, they're just trying to take you a bit further out or in, further in, to yourself. The way out is in. It's since the newspapers started the drug craze. That's it, you see, isn't that a bizarre scene, I mean you're the only paper that can say this because you're the only honest paper, really, when you get down to it. What I mean is, that thing about the sales, that's all they're concerned with how many... all this bullshit, on the front page how many papers we've sold today, and we're selling more than theDaily Express, hup yer. All their silly little games, all that crap. And another thing they always saying, "The Daily Mirror carried 13,000 inches of advertising—and fuck-all to read, just a lot of shit. Actually bragging about how, its stupid isn't it, it's a newspaper, anyway, we forgive them, .as always. But this is the great thing. When you've got yourself to a point where you've realised certain things about life and the world and everything like that, then you know that none of that can affect you at all because you know it's the same thing now with those newspaper people they were always writing all that, just making it up. The thing is we know what the scene is, and we know them, they're all those little fellows. They'd all really like to be happy and they try to be happy but they're in a nasty little organisation and it's great really. The whole thing of hate, anybody who hates, I feel sorry for them you know, that they are in that position and the newspapers are like that. I feel we got away from the point, whatever it was. The point was, you can print your paper, you know that they can't touch you because you know more than them and its obvious because they'd be the ones to puzzle about it. On our side of the fence there's no puzzling to it. We know what it is.

The policemen are people as well. All those nasty people aren't really nasty if they'd realise it. All those policemen can't be themselves and they've got to do that game and pretend to be a policemen and go all through that shit about what's in the book, they've got to make themselves into a little part of themselves which is a lie and an untruth. The moment they put a uniform on they're bullshitting themselves, just thinking that they're policemen, because they are not policemen. They think that they created a thing called policemen and so then they try and enforce their creation on others and say "Now we've made a thing and it's called The Police and we want you all to believe in it and it's all for your own good and if you don't look up to it you'll get your ass kicked and you'll go in the craphouse".

You just keep changing the subject onto what you think we should be talking about and I'll just talk it back out of it again onto this....to people who look at the scene negatively, then it is, and they stay in their drab world. We've got to get it back again, after the war, and get it back to how it should be—everybody's happy and smiling and leaping about and doing what they all know is there that they should be doing. There's something happening. If everybody could just get into it, great, they'd all smile and all dress up. Yes—that'd be good. "The world is a stage". Well he was right, because we're Beatles, and it's a little scene and we're playing and we're pretending to be Beatles, like Harold. Wilson's pretending to be Prime Minister and you're pretending to be the Interview on IT. They're all playing. The Queen's the Queen. The idea that you wake up and it happens that you're Queen, it's amazing but you could all be Queens if you imagined it...they'll have a war quickly if it gets too good, they'll just pick on the nearest person to save us from our doom. That's it, soon as you freak out and have a good time, it's dangerous, but they don't think of the danger of going into some other country in a tank with a machine-gun and shooting some-one. That's all legal and above board, but you can't freak out—that's stupid.

[ocpdzim]

Please try seeing a psychiatrist again, I am very worried about what you are saying and I don't think tumblr is a healthy environment for you

Look, I am going to try to maintain my composure here because rationally I think you are probably genuinely trying to offer helpful advice, so instead of brushing it off w/ a “thank you for your concern but no” or like, freaking out really publicly over it, i am going to try to explain why this is not an option for me and why this kind of ask is very upsetting to me personally. this might get kind of long-ish and it may take me a little while to tag for triggers after I post it so until it’s been like 5 or 10 minutes after posting it, everyone should proceed with caution. and like, I do appreciate that you care about my wellbeing if this was indeed a well-intentioned ask. but the truth remains that like all of the people (except the psychiatrist herself) involved in the first big medical disaster did care about me and wanted the best for me so, to be blunt, apparent good intentions do not mean i can trust people about this kind of thing. 

I’m putting this under a readmore. 

When I get this kind of ask the first two things that I think, even though I know they arent rational, are: 

this person thinks I am a pain in the ass/dislikes me for some other reason and wants to get rid of me so they dont have to listen to me talk any more

this person wants to harm me by convincing me to get back into a bad situation

Please understand that it isn’t something I do on purpose, I am just extremely paranoid and about this subject in particular, along with one or two others, I am EXTRA paranoid. I read this ask when I was on mobile hours ago and I’ve been trying to get myself together enough to avoid shrieking in all caps that you cant make me do shit and that i refuse to put myself in that situation again and what is your problem, anyway, because logically i know you probably are trying to help and i should be thankful rather than terrified and angry. but i still dont feel like you’re trying to help. i like, can’t.

I am currently seeing a psychologist, but I cannot be fully honest with her because I am a minor and everything I say to her she could and might repeat to my parents. I don’t want to talk to them about my issues, they say they are supportive and they try to be but they only ever blame my diet for all my issues and tell me over and over again about how I should try yoga, and they won’t shut up about it until I start crying and screaming. When I am an adult I might be more upfront with a psychologist.

I will never step into a psychiatrist’s office again. I’ve had two experiences with psychiatrists. one lasted only a few days, because I recognized very similar shit to the first one happening. the first experience I had with a psychiatrist ruined my life. she should never be allowed to practice medicine again after what she did. it’s very hard for me to speak about this in detail to be honest, because it is really upsetting. the tl;dr: because the “best pediatric psychiatrist in florida” decided she wanted to use me as a test subject to find out what’d happen if someone took high doses of three medicines at once (doses of each medicine which, for the record, were too high for someone of my age and weight even if it was only one medicine prescribed, and she prescribed all 3 at once with NO working up to the high doses from little ones like you’re supposed to), because she manipulated me and my family, and because my parents took her word over my word and over my grandmother’s word, i dissociated for MONTHS on end despite having never dissociated at all beforehand (or maybe over a year? not sure) and now dissociate at least like 70% of the time despite being off of the medicine, felt neither happiness or sadness for the whole time, went from an A-B honor roll student to a failure who had to drop out of school mid-year, lost massive chunks of memory as well as my ability to recall stuff that happened since very well short or long-term, developed a horrible fear of doctors which prevents me from seeking medical help for certain issues because I cannot trust doctors, developed near-constant dizziness and nausea (side effects of the medicine that did not fucking go away when i got off the meds), lost my formerly great attention span and now can hardly read more than like 2 paragraphs of anything unless I’m REALLY interested in it and can’t watch a whole 30 minute episode of a cartoon without taking a break every couple minutes and cannot function well in academic environments, and quite frankly it’s possible that i wouldn’t have split off from my host in the first place if not for that whole fiasco, considering she had no history of dissociation prior to that and i showed up shortly after the end of an abusive relationship which ended while she was on the medicine. (I also split off while we were still on the medicine and we finally got off of it a few months after I’d initially split off.) it’s possible she could’ve just coped with it without ending up with me here had she not been in a dissociative fog the whole time. here’s a play-by-play of the whole thing in detail if you care to read that, it’s tagged for triggers so please read the warnings on it separately from this post if you’re worried about anything specific being in it (link)

So, no, I won’t see a psychiatrist. I would literally prefer to die a slow and painful death than offer up my autonomy on a silver platter to some random ass stranger who might have bad intentions again. Thanks. 

Please do not say this kind of thing to me.