#which is the only reason for the relationship to be definitively marriage over a qpr

[fujobritta]

long baksbee rant, mostly abt david/kate & brad/david's ex parallels

David/Kate parallels in fics are so interesting to me, I really love when Brad's enamourment with David is framed like this. Because ultimately, Kate is the only way he has ever really felt a nonfamilially loving connection in a way? Like while he wasn't in love with Kate, for. Y'know. Obvious reasons. She's still the strongest connection he's had in his life (aside from, in my headcanons, his mother. But thats not canon… Yet…) so when he's finally let himself be accidentally attached to someone, he views them similarly. David has no power over Brad, but he's a companion. And Brad views him as lesser-than, but still values him and his presence.

I don't think Brad Bakshi is capable of "normal" romantic love, he's built too much of a shell to view it like that. But I think he'd love David in a way that's a little bit more than friendship but not really necessarily romantic, while being capable of being perceived as romantic. Sort of like a QPR in a way? But also not really because I think they would have sex so like… I dunno how to really explain it. But David being a sort of "pet" to Brad also I think shows how Brad sees that David is incapable of surviving without someone else. Well he can, but not well, sort of like how a domesticated animal might survive on the street but would be starving and diseased. David needs him, and Brad is someone who desperately wants to be needed, because during his childhood he felt unneeded. Having David is a reassurance that there is something relying on him, and that feels good.

Also David and Kate being similar kind of drives into Brad's whole predator/prey thing. Brad views himself as a predator, and David as his prey. And as a child, Kate was supposed to be his prey, but he couldn't do it, couldn't kill the pig. And, of course, Brad once again won't be able to really kill the pig, because he would get attached to David, but there is still that semblance of that predator/prey dynamic. Brad is still the more controlling one in the relationship, he holds the strings or the leash or the trap or whatever. And while he never "devours" David and kills him, it's still kind of that same thrill in a way. (This stuff is part of the reason why I can't stand top David/bottom Brad, I just fully cannot see Brad allowing himself to be controlled by someone, and especially not David. But you do you!)

Brad/David's ex-wife parallels also mean so much to me because it speaks to how differently David views Brad in comparison to how Brad views him. David sees Brad as an equal and a partner. He gets attached to people very easily, yearns for a sort of established connection, and really what connection is really more established than marriage? Also I think David views his position in a relationship as more traditionally masculine, despite… not really being like that at all (he's literally a bottom who would probably do most of the cooking and cleaning… One day he'll realize his womanhood. /j) But regardless he'd think Brad is pretty and nice (when he wants to be) and I think his originally assumed heterosexuality would probably make him project feminine qualities onto Brad regardless in an attempt to feel more straight.

I'm pretty sure it also has to do with my personal beliefs abt what David's ex-wife was actually like, too… Like when I close my eyes and imagine her based on what we know about her (that she moved on pretty quickly from David and Brad's "David, are we at your divorce trial? Because I just watched a hot asian chick rip your heart out" from Quarantine) I imagine a hot, mean, middle-aged, Chinese woman that looks like Lucy Liu and rides a motorcycle and pegs guys until they can't walk and is GALAXIES out of David's league. Which is partially influenced by my idea of what kind of person David would be into, but y'know. Whatever. But like regardless I think David definitely has a thing for people being mean to him. Like there's no way to be like That and not be into mean people.

I think a very primary difference between Brad and David in a relationship is that David craves Someone to attach himself to, while Brad just craves Something. David needs a real human connection, he's very people-focused, whereas Brad tries to fill his void with things of material value; money, sex, control, etc. David is more emotionally intelligent than Brad is; Brad just puts up walls and hides his emotions in a little corner of his brain where he can think about them later (but preferably never). But Brad still needs David in a way, because he fills the void in a way that the pointless vanities Brad is so fixated on never could.

Brad needs David more than David needs him, honestly. David is Brad's anchor in the stormy seas of his mind; his dog, his angel, etc. (I love you Mitski. Alexa play "I'm Your Man".) But David also needs Brad, of course — he needs that steady stream of companionship, no matter the source. During MQ, we see him break down repeatedly because he feels alone. David is reliant on people being There, no matter who they are. In TBD, after everyone left, even those who had constantly put him down and made his life hell (Brad, Poppy, Ian), even people who he rarely even talked to (Dana, Rachel), even people who he didn't really care that much about (Jane from Yorba Linda), he still nearly ended it all, right there. And all it took was Jo being on that roof for him to stop. And then he was back to being Fine But On His Last Thread.

In my opinion, Baksbee is the only (serious) M/M ship in MQ that I can see working as a functional relationship in any capacity, because you cannot put Ian into a romantic relationship like you can with David and Brad. There's no way to do it in a way that doesn't require changing who he is fundamentally. Ian is not a man who "does" relationships, or love, or family. Put him with Brad and they'll hook up just to never talk about their feelings; put him with David and he'll manipulate him until he's left David a shell of the already partially hollowed-out man he already was, ignoring every time David wants to address their situation. Bradian and Grimmsbee are interesting to think about and explore, if you enjoy looking into toxic relationships, but overall they don't have any actual substance next to Baksbee. They are relationships doomed to fail, which I do enjoy a lot, but can't really imagine myself being as obsessed with as I am with Baksbee.

Anyways that's all thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[seaweedstarshine]

I just finished reading your meta on the NineRiver audios and honestly at first I was feeling a bit hesitant because of how I got exposed to the naysayers' takes first. But glad I finally felt brave enough to peek under the cut.

I love how you point out that the Doctor is always unsettled with the concept of having a wife in any regeneration because it's not that they hate River (which I've seen was the conclusion of some after listening to the audios 🫥), it's that they didn't think they'd ever be in a relationship, much more married of all things.

Also wanna ask if it's possible to have a clarification on the statement "River does not hide her infatuation". Unless it was used with a different meaning to what it usually has. Because by this point, she's past that infatuation stage? (Do we count Mels as the infatuation stage? I think early baby River could maybe count as infatuation stage too?)

Okay and the part where you point out that River barely notices the Doctor's new bodies is such a cool one because I JUST REALIZED IT. You know that thing where you ingest something but it takes you some time before said thing gets processed (usually by someone else pointing it out)? Yes, that's me.

Totally still laughing over Nine being "totally doing that kind of stuff with you, River, sans the guns" and around two regenerations later, he's totally doing that kind of stuff with River with the guns. He learned rather quickly that he has the tendency to give River what she wants lol (also headcanoning that Eleven had fashioned a hidden gun panel in the TARDIS console "just in case you need it River" but of course since we love angst he never was able to show it to her because she'd swanned off to the Library and he kept seeing her data ghost in the corner of his eye) (also could it be that the reason why Eleven is more "okay" sort of with her and her guns is because he understands her trauma and how having her gun around is sort of like her security blanket?)

Oh and Archipelago, my beloved. My heart hurt with Swipe Right, laughed a bit with Face of the Apocalypse, but damn, Archipelago. Damn. It made me bawl for a bit longer afterwards. I just love when Big Finish writers get DoctorRiver.

I'm gonna be dragging my heels a bit here though because although I originally went along with the QPR feels after my first listen (yes I listened to it again *⁠\⁠0⁠/⁠*), then a moot on Twitter pointed out that Nine and River had definitely fucked in the middle of the time storm. And I was like "WAIT WHAT WHEN WHERE" because how? I mean they were covered in corals by that time yeah? And moot said it happened near the end when they were acting "like a couple again" (must be after Nine read River's diary and got to know her, understand her). River described their time together while writing in her diary and mentioned "and then finally we lay together again". I had thought it meant literally lying down together but River being River, it could have meant they had, well, fucked. I don't understand the how of it though XD but they're River and the Doctor so kudos to them I guess?

erm this was quite long sorry for that >⁠.⁠<

ever questioning, Tia 💌

Thanks Tia! I liked your Star-Crossed initial review too :) “I also love how this smashes any belief that River forces the Doctor to have sex with her or do anything that the Doctor is uncomfortable with.” because YES. Yes, yes, yes. Anyway. A cut before I respond to each of these things.

1) Right?? Swipe Right could not have been more direct in repeating that the Doctor was bothered by the idea of marriage/relationships, not by River herself. The way writers give us aroace Nine, and some people can only see their ship war? Ah well.

2) Oh my god I totally misused infatuation — editing that! How do words work haha. I was thinking along the lines of… “Someone you can walk into your life and make you see everything completely differently.” “Harvey said that to me. Oh, believe me, Captain. The Doctor has already done that to me, multiple times.” Falling in love with the same person again and again… like older couples who consistently put in the work to go on regular dates, lighting these new sparks with new experiences even after being together for decades… couples like the Doctor and River. (Oh, my sweet Mels. There is a thin line between infatuation and brainwashing </3 Personally, I would say student River was her infatuation phase — researching him for positive reasons instead of murderous ones.)

3) River barely noticing the different bodies is so. <3 This corporeal form that is so tied to a human's sense of identity — yet to River or the Master, it’s no different than a particularly-physically-taxing change of clothes. Who hasn’t regenerated a few times? River gets to judge him for insisting on the face of a twelve-year-old. River gets to shoot off his hats. (Eleven radiating his “How do you do fellow kids?” energy.)

4) Oh yes, Nine and Ten were so self-righteous about guns. (River was so cute with Ten, too!) Ah, if Eleven had treated UNIT the way Ten had. Rory with his auton wrist-gun. Bad girl Churchill with his revolver. Miscellaneous Americans. I like to think the heart-to-heart over Wilf’s gun coinciding perfectly with regeneration helped him get past it; Eleven’s no-gun rule seems a lot more “good men don’t need rules, today is not the day to find out why I have so many” vibes. He doesn’t trust himself to use guns, but he does trust River — he believes in her far more than she believes in herself. (That said, YES— I really love the idea of the Doctor being very supportive of young student River having her guns, so that she feels safe. Even if she has PTSD flashbacks/brainwashing relapses and tries to kill him, he couldn’t care less; his only priority is making sure she feels safe and comfy, when she can. I wrote a fic with that as a theme lmao.) (Why you gotta BREAK MY HEART (girl I’m glad you do). Eleven standing alone against the colorless, minimalist console, hands pressed over the secret gun compartment he prepared — to show her how much she means to him — paralyzed by grief, torn between the need to be near to her and the need to protect himself from further heartsbreak, listening to River move around the room. Do you think River had her favorite alpha-meson blaster in the Library? He'll never be able to retrieve it. Nardole's not going to know to grab a gun.)

5) Oh, Archipelago. The way it completely gets these two, from the glorious to the dysfunctional, to the root reasons they just work. Secrets call for trust; but trust without the need of secrets becomes something so beautiful. Also, there's something I appreciate about the handling of an aspect that seems to get confused (by those who speculate “it's not love, the timeline forced it” as per that infamous-ish Harbo Wholmes video (okay, it's infamous-ish to doctorriver fans. Harbo has some misses haha); like we need further proof having a wedding isn't the only way to whisper in your lover’s ear). Nine's “Don't you wanna see what that's like to be with me, not cause it's preordained or prophesyed, just two people bobbing about taking it slow?” leading to their sharing secrets no other Doctor and River had shared before. The exploration wherein — far from their relationship being forced by the timeline — the temporal constraints of the fixed points of their deaths actually mean they have to work even harder for the relationship to be what it is, yet they create together something cosmically beautiful out of tragedy (“you know how much I use [the VM] to bind our lives together.”).

6) Huh, yeah, “And finally, we lay together again, in the height of the dark” sounded to me about lying down too! I did get the impression that lying down was the default since the coral infection (at least for River). River does love her innuendos in their verbal dance of wit (aka flirting), but it’s her diary, not the Bible… I think she would be more explicit than that, even if she is aiming for brevity! It wouldn't fit the vibe (in my opinion). As you say, they're barely able to move. And not that aroace people never fuck, but (personally) the idea of that here does leave the unsavory impression that River would've gone with it at the last hour while knowing it's not his thing, with the “whether you know that or not — whether you feel that or not” line coming afterwards despite the fact that he certainly “knows” their future at this point, from front to back to front to back again. (Also “acting like a couple again” is so subjective since QPPs do a lot of things that are typically associated with couples? like the physical intimacy between River and Nine?) Not being aroace myself I will try to speak more generally to avoid speaking over people on a topic I'm not qualified to speak on — but I think, at least, it would be very disappointing if it meant that — I know that it means a lot to me (and I become very protective) when I see positively-represented aspects of my own identity that are rarely portrayed in a non-stereotyped light — and it would indicate at best a major lack of miscommunication between writers after Swipe Right, or worse: if the implication was to uncritically imply his orientation could be altered by the right partner…? Anyway: I still see it as queerplatonic personally, but thanks for pointing out that observation because I wouldn't have thought of that line! (Also, I can't speak for your twitter mutual, who I don't know, etc.)

Anyway, thank you for the ask! 💌

Love the SMALL CAPS and YOU ARE LEGENDARY for them.

[ladyambrosius]

I feel I should mention that the reason the first one is set in a biker bar (and that it’s somewhere Merlin works and Leon drags Arthur to) is because I saw a post not long ago about someone wanting to do a Merlin Roadtrip AU but getting irritated because the UK just does not have enough land to do roadtrips properly.

I don’t know if you live in the UK or not but there’s a whole subculture around motorbikes here. I’m not in it myself, so I don’t know specifics. But I do know there are weekly bike meet ups. And there’s a yearly memorial ride to commemorate the death of one particular biker in my local community that’s been going on for years already. And there’s a lot of tv shows about bike riding, be it the history or different bikes being ridden by the same person or just celebrating the fact the UK has some good roads with some better views that bikers frequent but other tourists just don’t.

And I get it’s not the same thing, because you’re not in a car with your family for hours just driving through the night. But a group biker roadtrip would be the closest you’ll get in the UK probably.

Not to mention that to the resurrected gang it’s probably the closest they’d get to their hunting or adventuring they were accustomed to doing on horseback. Because let’s face it even if they did manage to all get horses the areas horses can even go, compared to a motorcycle on the road, is limited.

So I got it into my head early on that, while both Leon and Merlin might hate cars for the damage they do to the environment, they’d make an exception for motorcycles for the nostalgia. And they probably both maintain their own bikes (plural because I’ve met a few bike people and never met one who stopped at one bike when money wasn’t a factor in the equation) definitely a big hobby for the both of them, and they probably do their own trips planned and such as well. And Leon probably started it while dragging Merlin along also.

And while I’m here talking about immortal and waiting Merlin’s hobbies—immortal and waiting Merlin probably doesn’t have much in the way of official occupation beyond living (with Leon) in a small house on a large plot of land with a vegetable garden and selling the vegetables or jams or whatever at a farmer’s market for money that’s mostly just so the neighbours never ask if they’re struggling. Because you know what, 1500 years is a long time to be an activist and to be waiting and I can’t see either of them maintaining the same level of motivation they had in the show. They’ve probably developed a lot of thoughts about the meaning of life and also set a lot of boundaries when it comes to what battles they fight. There’s no way they don’t have savings, and if they live in the right area not only is their house likely to be a historical build (I imagine they built it themselves) but the walls and hedges surrounding their land would also be historically protected, so they’re not at risk of losing any of it to a road or whatever. Maybe they have horses, and chickens, and a goat or two as well if they have enough space.

for literally no reason at all what job would modern merlin hve (au not reincarnation or whatever) pls help

[morning-softness]

Okay I am super intrigued by Now I can say those three little words 👀👀👀

This is actually the next installment of my JonMartin QPR series! So far we’ve only had Martin’s perspective, so I wanted to do something in Jon’s point of view. I imagine that both as an alloromantic and as someone initially drawn to and now freshly separated from the Eye, Jon would be frustrated and confused trying to navigate a relationship that isn’t clearly defined or easily categorized. Especially when Martin’s own attitude towards his orientation is (as archivistbot put it):

After the ‘boyfriend’ incident in “Are You Calling Me ‘Darling’?”, Jon’s struggling to figure out what expressions of affection are welcome and which ones make Martin uncomfortable, especially since Jon’s already seen that Martin won’t necessarily speak up about it unless Jon notices and pushes him to say what’s wrong. And as Martin hasn’t said “I love you” to Jon since the night be admitted his definition of ‘love’ was a bit different from the standard, Jon decides the phrase is probably off-limits and Martin would be uncomfortable if Jon told him he loved him.

Between the popular headcanon of Jon as neurodivergent and the canonical details of his childhood, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to imagine Jon having rejection sensitivity. And the events of Season 3 and 4 have pretty well established that all the people he’s felt closest too are fully capable of hating him or cutting him off. (Not entirely without reason—Jon definitely made his share of choices that hurt people—but the point is) It’s pretty hard to convince yourself that you won’t end up saying or doing something that makes your friends turn on you or abandon you, when this is in fact an actual thing that has already happened in the past with those exact same people.

So Jon decides his feelings are too much and he needs to tone it down, Martin probably doesn’t want to be burdened with his affections, and overcorrects by starting to preemptively distance himself (not just from Martin but Georgie and Melanie as well—maybe they’re tentatively friends again but he doesn’t want to risk wearing out his welcome with them, either). Until eventually, Martin figures out what’s going on and they finally have a proper talk about their feelings, and their needs and boundaries in a relationship.

Here’s a snippet:

“I love you,” Jon says. Then, with a stricken look, he blurts, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said—I know you don’t want—I shouldn’t—”

“Jon,” Martin says slowly, gently laying a hand over his where it’s twisting in the fabric of his trousers. “Why are you sorry that you love me?”

Jon hangs his head. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “I know you don’t like the idea of dating, or marriage, and I’m happy with you, with what we have, I am, really. I won’t ask you for something you can’t—or don’t want to—give. It’s not your fault that I can’t get my feelings under control. I know it’s not the right kind of love—it’s too much, too sappy and romantic—that it’s not what you want. And I’m trying, I’ve been trying, to, to tone it down a bit, or keep it to myself at least, because I’d never want to make you uncomfortable, or pressure you into doing anything you don’t want, just because you think I want it.” His lips twist wryly. “But for all that, it slipped out anyway, so I’m sorry.”

[fiive-second-cookies]

Aromantic!Roman Logince Arranged Marriage AU??

I had an AU idea and wrote it down in bullet points as I thought about it, so here is that. Disclaimer: I am not anywhere on the aro spectrum and I’m not very knowledgeable about what it's actually like to be aro, so there’s most likely some mistakes and incorrect things. Feel free to (kindly) point out the misinformation and correct me on it. Also this is pretty long so most of it is under a cut

Warnings: slight arophobia/unaccepting parents, let me know if there’s anything else!

Arranged marriage AU ish??

Or just they have to get married for financial/safety/etc. reasons, whatever

Originally I thought Logicality but like, now I’m thinking Logince?

So Ro and Lo’s parents have them meet and make them go on a date and BAM their parents break the news like

“y’all have to get married in six months there’s no backing out so like start getting to know each other and form a relationship”

the boys aren’t happy but they Understand

except, one problem, our boy Roman is aromantic

although, he doesn’t know there’s a word for it

he just knows that he’s never thought of someone romantically, never looked at someone and wanted to be romantic with them, and the idea of being in a romantic relationship does not sit well

he doesn’t say anything for a while because it’s not like it’ll change anything, they need to get married

so the boys go on dates once or twice a week for a few months and hang out a lot

and Ro definitely thinks Logan is a great interesting person and really appreciates their new friendship

but this is a big No Romo zone

Roman tries to bring it up with his parents and explain that the marriage won’t work because he doesn’t feel That Way about Logan

but his parents say he’s just making up excuses

which hurts quite a lot

so Roman keeps going on dates and getting to know Logan better

and god is Logan an amazing person

and Roman doesn’t mind them holding hands or cuddling or having deep personal conversations or going out to dinner or dancing around the living room

in fact he quite enjoys those moments

he can’t deny that Lo brings him so much happiness

but there are no butterflies fluttering in his stomach

and the few kisses they’ve shared, however brief, have all left him feeling a bit bleh and icky

the way he feels about Logan isn’t too much different from the way he feels about his best friend Virgil

although his feelings for Lo do feel a bit different? Stronger maybe? Roman isn’t quite sure???

but he knows he doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship with Lo

so, two months before the wedding, in the midst of chaotic planning and preparations and decision-making and fittings and taste-tests

—because gosh darn it, weddings are really cute and sweet and if Roman is being forced to have his own then it’s gonna be perfect—

Roman pulls Logan aside

and explains as best he can how he feels

Logan listens intently as Roman explains that, although he feels strongly for Lo, the feelings are purely platonic

Ro is certain that Lo will be upset and call the wedding off and never speak to him again

and it doesn’t help that Lo’s only response is

”I see. Thank you for telling me, Roman. Now, please excuse me”

and then Logan leaves the room

and Ro is heartbroken

but slightly glad that he won’t be forced into a romantic relationship and marriage

but the wedding planning continues, much to Roman’s confusion

Lo and Ro don’t see each other much and don’t get much time to talk, due to being pulled left and right by their parents to make sure every little detail is perfect

they’re only around each other when they must work together to make a decision, and then the conversation is strictly about the wedding

plus, whenever they do have free time, Logan disappears somewhere by himself without a word

and yeah Roman is definitely heartbroken

one month before the wedding, Virgil and Logan’s brother, Patton, decide that Ro and Lo need a break from all the stress

so V and Pat drag the other two out to the park for a picnic

and it’s a lovely time

except that Lo and Ro only directly address each other when absolutely necessary

everyone chooses to ignore the obvious tension

they visit the local town and walk around

Logan drops by the book store to pick up something he had apparently ordered before?? but he ignores everyone’s questioning stares

later that night, Logan knocks on Ro’s door with a package

Ro takes it but his father calls him to do something before he can open it

so he forgets about it

and a few days go past and he still hasn’t opened it and Logan has been giving him weird looks and he’s not sure why??

but finally, almost a week after Lo gave it to him, Roman remembers the package and unwraps it

inside he finds a book

Just Queer Things: An Extensive Guide to All Things LGBTQ+

which is a little bit of a strange gift, Ro thinks

inside the cover there’s a note

“Dear Roman, I’ve done lots of research since our previous conversation, and this book proved to be the most useful. I believe you should skip directly to page 73. And, perhaps, to page 82. Enjoy your reading. I hope you find the information enlightening. Love, Logan.”

curiously, Roman turns to page 73

Ro gasps softly as his eyes scan the page

“Aromantic: to experience little to no romantic attraction”

Roman’s eyes fill with tears as he continues to read more about the identity

His identity

he can’t believe there’s a word for how he feels

the tears stream down his cheeks and a grin spreads across his face

after a few minutes, he wipes his eyes and takes a shaky breath, then turns to page 82

“Queer Platonic Relationship, otherwise referred to as a QPR”

when Roman finishes reading the description, he jumps up and sprints out of his room

he searches the house and asks their parents, in search of Logan

finally, he finds Lo sitting out in the middle of the field behind the house

he runs over and shouts “aromantic!!”

Logan jumps halfway into the sky and squints through the dark at Roman’s form that’s racing towards him

“you figured it out, Lo!! I’m aromantic!!”

Logan smiles at the sight of Roman’s wide grin illuminated by the moonlight

Roman crashes into Logan with a giant hug, making them both laugh

“took you long enough to open my gift,” Logan says as he wraps his arms around Roman

“thank you so much, Lo. I never would’ve figured it out without your help.”

“of course, Roman”

“I’m aromantic,” Ro breathes out with a laugh. “Everything makes sense now! I’m not weird or broken or making excuses!”

“of course not, Princey,” Logan says, pulling back to look into Ro’s eyes. “You’re not any of those things. You’re wonderful and incredible. And you’re so so valid”

they share another hug (and maybe a couple of tears shh)

and after a few moments of comfortable silence as they walk back to the house, Roman looks up at Logan

“so… what do you think about the whole QPR thing?”

Logan pretends to give it some thought before responding “I suppose it sounds quite satisfactory, don’t you?”

Roman just smiles and lets out a cheer, making Logan laugh at his little victory dance

“gosh, Roman, I’d have to say I’m very fond of you”

Roman presses a kiss to Logan’s cheek

“and I’m pretty fond of you, too, my nerdy QPP,” he responds before grabbing Lo’s hand and dragging him back to the house

Ta da! Hope you enjoyed! This is the original basics that I wrote first, but I’ve thought a little bit more about other details in this AU, so let me know if you wanna hear more? Reblogs are appreciated!

(Hey @the-princey-pie and @royalnerd829, y’all asked me to share it)

[readingontheroof]

(1) Hi so I hope I'm somehow able to word this properly and not be an awful person (I'm sorry my emotions are still running kinda haywire). So yesterday my datemate told me that they are aromantic and they've known for about two months now and they didn't tell me earlier (even tho they hate lying/keeping secrets) bc they still love me (but not romantically of course) and they were worried I was going to cut ties with them completely in order to get over them and not want them in my life

anymore. Which I don't think I would have done, but given my past experience and personality, I think it was a reasonable thing to think. So after they told me that, I cried a lot and we talked about it some more, but it wasn't really a proper discussion since I was crying so hard. (I don't know if this helps but I'm an infj and my datemate (?) is an intj. I'm also asexual and they're pansexual. Sorry to dump this on you, I just think you're insightful and give good advice). We've been dating for 10 months now so it's a little bit hard finding this out after we've already been together for a while. While I understand why they waited 2 months to tell me (didn't want to hurt me, we were already dating, didn't want to permanently lose me) I'm still mad and wish they had told me earlier. I'm very future-oriented and I plan things out so far in advance, I was already imagining a future with them and was so happy and excited about it. I can change this image of coursebut it feels so sudden and it's like everything's been turned upside down. Last night I was overwhelmingly sad, and today I'm still sad but also angry. Maybe it wouldn't have but that's 2 months I could've spent stopping myself from getting attached to this future image. We talked about it together multiple times: what we each want, where we want to live, what kind of cats and dogs we want to own together. I know we can still live together, & I'd really really love that, it's just that someof the certainty of the future has been ripped away and it was really comforting and wonderful to think about. I really love them a lot and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather own cats with. Last night they said they'd still like to be in a romantic relationship with me and date me and continue doing everything else we've already been doing, but they don't want to be involved with any of those romantic rituals like getting married, etc. All I want right now is to continue our currentrelationship, especially since they want to and they really want to be in my future. It's just that I'm so attached to the idea of romantic love and marriage (it's so stupid though) and I don't know how to get away from that & I KNOW that no matter how much I'd like to continue this current relationship, I'm going to eventually want to get married and I don't want to regret anything. The ideal future would be for me to live with both them and someone else I'm married to in the same housebut all I can think about is how there's no way that'll ever work bc then that's three people's lives, jobs, wants and needs we'd have to coordinate in order to live in the same place and area. The probability of it working out is so unlikely & I don't know if I'd be even be able to find someone else to date who'd be willing to do that. I'm thinking the best option is for me to break off my current relationship with my datemate and do something more akin to a qpr, I just hate how vague anduncertain the future seems now. In the midst of this, I'm still mourning our past relationship (it was also my first romantic relationship). I really hope I didn't say anything to hurt their feelings last night but I tried to make as clear as possible that it's okay for them to be aromantic, I'm just upset about the changes to my vision of the future. Like if only I could get rid of this attachment to the idea of marriage and romantic love, and all that sappy stuff, then we could still continue our current relationship into the future the way it's been. I've just been so happy since (and before) we started dating at college and it's kinda of just a shocker, like I was too optimistic. I did get some warning from my instincts which I probably should've listened to (I hesitated before asking them out bc I thought they might've been aro but they said yes & later when they talked about possibly being polyarmorous I freaked out bc I went on a forum & lots of ppl had similarviews on platonic and romantic love and in poly and aro communities and I was worried that they were aro and I brought it up to them and at the time, they thought they were poly so they reassured me BUT two weeks after the convo realized they were aro. Fucking weirdass ni. Should've listened to it. In addition to this, I have become very attached to cuddling and physical intimacy and I don't want that to stop...but at the same time I'm worried I'm never going to stop liking them if I don'tstop the physical intimacy. Last night they said they'd be fine with whatever I wanted to do (become friends, continue the romantic relationship, or continue the romantic relationship and affection until I find someone else I want to date). Honestly the third option sounds the most appealing but I'm just worried I'm gonna be trapped in a limbo and that my new ideal future option is too unlikely to happen & by continuing the physical and emotional intimacy I'm keeping myself from formingother bonds with other people. I don't want to cut them out of my life, bc even if we ended the romantic relationship, we have become so close with each other, and I enjoy spending time with them more than anyone else at college right now. I know that they really value their relationship with me as well, since they said that they trust me more than anyone else and they have a lot of difficulty opening up to people. I'm not quite sure what kind of advice I'm asking for, maybe I just neededto write all of this out. I'm sorry this was so long, I just have so many emotions. I guess I'm wondering what your opinion is, & if you have any advice on dealing with overcoming the loss of a former vision of the future & replacing it with another one (the biggest question I guess). Also maybe any advice on whether or not you think it's something that would work & if I'm still being too optimistic. Do you have any tips on how to go about forming a qpr? Thank you so much! Feel free toanswer whenever you happen to have any time!! Also if any of these messages get lost or eaten by tumblr, let me know & I can resend them (I've saved them). I'm sorry this was so long! Thank you 

Honestly I'm starting to feel a little bit better after writing all of that out and thinking about other possible future options (happy ones of course) and it's really nice. Thank you for your blog & all you do for the mbti community. Mbti always makes me feel better when I'm feeling bad and reading your thoughts and insights on it is always fun. I guess it's sorta distraction but it's still nice and isn't really hurting me so thanks 

Okay so first i wanna establish i’m likely aro myself so i dont really have a great understanding of the differences between romantic and platonic feelings.

So, one thing I’m confused about is how the relationship would go if you proceeded like the INTJ suggested, (the same, but w no “rituals”). What exactly about the relationship right now would be romantic to you that wouldn’t continue, besides stuff like marriage? Bc I think the biggest disconnect wouldn’t be in not doing x y z, but in a difference in how you view the relationship. If they view the relationship somehow differently bc they are aro, what are those differences? Bc obviously it isn’t a sexual relationship but you were doing things that would be “romantic” rather than “friendly.” I think it would be helpful to try to figure out what has changed, really at all. Bc if you are viewing the relationship very differently from each other, I can see how that could cause pain.

It definitely seems like you want something more from the relationship than they do, and I do think that if you continued the relationship with you sort of pretending it’s a romantic relationship and them sort of pretending it’s a friendship, with you knowing it will never fulfill those expectations you had, it will feel like something is missing and bitterness/pain/disconnection might come from that. I think if you decided to continue the physical intimacy but say you’re friends, that’s what you’re going to end up doing. I think you shouldn’t cut them off or avoid them, it just wouldn’t be logical. I think you should keep your friendship, but try not to do anything you would see as romantic. Maybe a little space right now would be really good, for you especially, to get your head around it without any pressure or guilt. However, I do think that given time (esp given your types), you could change the nature of the relationship and move on in a way, especially bc it is your first relationship. I think you could be best friends, and you could end up with a different romantic partner that you have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with.

I do think you should trust your instincts, if they’re telling you anything at this point. It seems like doing so would put you in a place that feels natural.

I don’t have any tips on how to form a qpr bc i’ve never had one and don’t really have a want for one, but I do advise you to be careful, bc boy have a I seen people try to have a qpr with someone they clearly have a crush on and it isn’t fun for either of the people involved.

No prob man, I rlly hope it works out for you. I do think the venting helped you organize everything! I’m glad you like my blog, thanks :)!