#which is technically not impossible but so unlikely that i must assume it's a fault

[courfeyrec]

tumblr app i have been on your side for so long but jfc this thing is so broken

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary Extra: Rantaro’s Love Hotel Event

At one point I vaguely mentioned that I might make a post covering Rantaro’s Love Hotel event sometime. Unlike most of these events, Rantaro’s one is in fact very good, to the point that it might actually be my favourite piece of Rantaro content. So if I ever wanted to briefly talk about some of the things that are interesting about Rantaro that aren’t relevant in the main storyline, this is honestly the best way for me to do it.

(And maybe there’s also a not-so-Rantaro-specific reason I want to talk about this, too.)

Obligatory warning: this is side-mode bonus content, but I will be mentioning endgame spoilers; don’t read this if you haven’t finished the main story of the game.

First off, understanding this event requires knowledge of what we learn in Rantaro’s FTEs. So, while I don’t quite want to go out of my way to cover those line-by-line, here’s the gist of them for anyone who doesn’t know.

Rantaro’s family is fairly rich and travels around a lot, and one time while in a foreign country, he lost track of his little sister, who was supposed to be following behind him, and she vanished. Ever since then, he’s been doing everything he can to get her back, travelling all over the place and getting himself into all kinds of dangerous scenarios.

Rantaro feels as though his Ultimate should be something like Ultimate Useless Older Brother for letting this happen to his sister in the first place. But Shuichi concludes after hearing the story that maybe Rantaro’s actually the Ultimate Big Brother. It’s not Rantaro’s fault that he lost her, and he’s been trying so hard since then to get her back, essentially devoting his whole life to it, which sounds like the best kind of big brother there is.

After Shuichi agrees to use his detective skills to help Rantaro find his sister, Rantaro then casually adds that, oh by the way, he’s actually got twelve younger sisters who all went missing in similar ways on separate trips.

…And this is the point at which I go “yep, that backstory’s definitely fictional”. Letting it happen once could have been an accidental lapse of attention, sure. But after that, Rantaro would have been extra determined to protect his remaining sisters and not lose them too, so there’s absolutely no way he would have let it happen again eleven more times. That’s just wanton carelessness, as if Rantaro doesn’t actually give a damn about his sisters’ safety at all, which is very clearly the opposite of the truth about him. This only makes sense if it’s fake memories and never actually happened.

(But man, no wonder he hates himself, since he genuinely believes that he really did somehow just carelessly let that happen to every single one of his sisters like the worst big brother in the world.)

Rantaro’s backstory here doesn’t really have much bearing on his role in the canon plot, since his issues there are an entirely separate story fuelled by the whole Survivor Perk thing. Still, this does somewhat help explain why Rantaro is the type of person he is. He probably already had trouble trusting people and feeling like he deserved to be trusted even without the Survivor Perk handicap making it worse – recall fresh-out-of-season-52 Rantaro telling his future self to “trust no-one”. And yet, despite that, he also has a very strong instinct to look out for others and be protective like the big brother he is, hence trying to end the killing game despite his hesitation to trust anyone. His protective instinct might lean towards girls in particular, since they’d be more likely to remind him of his sisters – he did comment at one point that he was worried Kaede’s proactiveness might get her in trouble with Monokuma. (This is why I headcanon that the two survivors from season 52 were both girls; I just think it’d be fun if part of why Rantaro sacrificed himself for them was that they reminded him a little of his sisters and he wanted to protect them at least where he’d failed before.)

So anyway, Rantaro’s Love Hotel event, aka an event where Shuichi has to play the role of the subject’s “ideal fantasy”, which doesn’t have to mean something romantic, shock horror, because this one is entirely platonic. In it, Shuichi finds himself being treated as a student whom Rantaro is something like a private tutor for.

Rantaro:  “That’s why you’re my favourite student. Good job! Good work, Shuichi!”

Shuichi:  (As he showered me with praise, he lightly tussled my hair with a smile.) […] “R-Rantaro… I’m not a little kid…” (Even if this is his fantasy, it feels weird to be talked to like that.)

Rantaro:  “…‘Rantaro,’ huh?”

(His tone had changed. He pulled his hand away, dejected.)

Rantaro:  “Not that long ago… you were calling me ‘Big Brother.’”

Except it’s clearly more than that. Rantaro has come to think of this student as like a surrogate younger sibling figure, no doubt to fill the painful gap while his sisters are still missing.

It’s unclear, though, whether he actually has a student like this in real life. This could just be his fantasy of wanting to feel like a big brother again – a fantasy constrained by the unchangeable reality that his sisters are gone and it’s impossible for them to just magically be there, so his subconscious went for the most plausible alternative instead.

Rantaro:  “Haha… I guess I made you hate me… didn’t I, Shuichi?”

Apparently Rantaro is all too liable to assume that any “younger sibling” of his would obviously turn to hating him at the slightest provocation. (His sisters must hate him for letting them fall into whatever awful situation they’re in right now, right? They’re definitely blaming it all on him.)

The reason for “Shuichi” supposedly hating Rantaro here is that Rantaro recently announced he’d be leaving on a trip soon – presumably another expedition to try and find his sisters – and can’t even say why.

(Shuichi doesn’t figure out that this is about his sisters, which I guess is because it’s possible to get this event without having done Rantaro’s FTEs in which Shuichi learns about that.)

Rantaro:  “I know I’m being selfish, Shuichi. I’m sorry, but I want to shelter you from danger as much as I can…”

Shuichi:  “What? Danger…?”

Rantaro:  “Haha, whoops, guess I shouldn’t have said that… Forget it.”

Shuichi:  “No, Rantaro, I won’t. Not with that look on your face…”

Rantaro:  “Some teacher I am, huh? Making you worry about me…”

Obviously it’s terrible of Rantaro as a teacher (as a big brother) to make Shuichi worry about him. That’s not how things are supposed to go in this arrangement at all, so Shuichi should definitely just forget all about it and stop worrying.

(yes hello guess who this is beginning to remind me of, are you maybe starting to see that other reason I wanted to cover this event)

Rantaro:  “But you don’t have to worry about a thing. Nothing will ever hurt you. I will protect you. I promise. No one precious to me will ever get hurt again.”

There is absolutely no way someone this fiercely protective would ever have let each of his precious little sisters disappear on him twelve times over. No way. It’s so cruel that Rantaro’s fake memories are making him believe he must secretly be the kind of callously careless person who would let it happen. He’s bound to feel like these assurances otherwise are really just empty words that he’ll always end up betraying when it matters, because he would have promised the same thing to eleven of his sisters, more and more fervently each time, and look what happened anyway.

Shuichi:  “W-Wait, Rantaro!” (I don’t really understand, but here goes…) “That… That hurts me, Rantaro. Thinking about you carrying this burden all by yourself hurts me.”

Meanwhile, look at Shuichi hating to see someone he cares about carrying a burden all by themselves, and confronting that person with the fact that they’re hurting him by not letting him help. I wonder who else Shuichi might have said this to, hm? If only he’d known.

Shuichi:  “Maybe you see me as just a student, so you don’t think I can protect you… But I don’t *want* to be sheltered and oblivious to everything.”

Rantaro:  “Shuichi…”

And look at how Shuichi doesn’t want this person to be hiding their troubles from him in an attempt to protect him, because he can protect them too. This unbalanced arrangement of strictly one-directional help and support while the other person suffers alone was never what Shuichi signed up for.

(If only they’d realise that they need and deserve to be supported, and that needing it doesn’t mean they can’t still support others themselves.)

Shuichi:  “Rantaro, you’re going to quit being my tutor, right? So I’m not just your student. I’m your *friend*. You can tell me anything. I know I can help you.”

Shuichi’s approach to this is exactly what he does in Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event and I love it. Rantaro’s trying to insist they have this tutor/student (big brother/little brother) relationship that means Rantaro has to hide all his worries and problems and bear all of that by himself to keep Shuichi safe and oblivious and not worried – but no. Shuichi is having none of that nonsense that puts so much extra undue pressure on Rantaro, because they are friends and he wants to help. Just like with Kaito – he sees this as the best, simplest way to get through to his friend and stop them being so goddamn selfless, and it is.

(Or, well, he and Rantaro might not even technically be friends in this Love Hotel event if Shuichi hasn’t done his FTEs. Still, Shuichi is playing this role of someone who views Rantaro as a tutor/big brother/friend, so he’s acting out what he would do if a person he cared about in that way was behaving like this. Sure, Rantaro never even mentioned that they’re specifically friends, but Shuichi extrapolated from the situation that obviously this person would consider Rantaro a friend as well as those other things. Shuichi is good.)

Rantaro:  “Are you sure about this, Shuichi? You’re at the point of no return…

Shuichi:  “I would never want you to face it alone, Rantaro…”

Rantaro:  “You’ve really come into your own. Haha… Alright, I give up. I’ll tell you everything.”

Looks like it worked! Rantaro now has (in his fantasy) not just a surrogate little brother, but a friend and comrade who’s going to help him and be there for him as he searches for his sisters. Which is probably a lot more beneficial for him in the long run than just yet another younger sibling for him to feel like he’s letting down one way or another.

Rantaro:  “Just… until the end of this lesson, can we act like nothing’s changed? The time that I’ve spent as your teacher… has been such a comfort to me.”

I also really like this, because it shows that Shuichi’s response to all this wasn’t Rantaro’s fantasy. Rantaro wanted to just re-experience the feeling of spending time with a younger sibling who’s safe and protected and is never ever going to get hurt or be in danger at all. And Shuichi essentially threw that out and told Rantaro not what he wanted to hear, but what he needed to hear – that he needs to stop being so selfless and let the people who care about him help him for once, because they don’t want him to be suffering alone and he deserves better than that.

This is a really great event because it’s a rare – and really well-done – showcase of Rantaro’s issues from his backstory. They’re some pretty fun issues, so it’s honestly a big shame that they’re basically not relevant at all in the main story and only even come up in bonus bits like this. (Granted, someone had to be the first to die, and the way it was done with Rantaro was probably one of the best ways to make that person still feel fairly narratively relevant and not like a complete throwaway – but it does sadly mean that most of his potential as a character and not as a mysterious plot device had to be squandered.)

But that’s not all; I also really like this event because of Shuichi’s role in it. From what little I gather of how these mostly-stupid Love Hotel scenes go, it probably doesn’t usually even matter that it’s Shuichi in them, because he’s just a placeholder forced to play this role no matter how uncomfortable it makes him and how unlike him it is. But in this one, Shuichi being here does make a difference. Not everyone would have responded to Rantaro’s situation like this, but Shuichi did, because he’s a really good friend who’d never want to let the people he cares about carry their burdens alone.

So not only is this a great event for showcasing Rantaro’s issues, but it’s also great for showing us how good and supportive of a friend Shuichi has the potential to be, even towards people who are stubbornly trying to put themselves in a one-sided protector role that has to carry burdens alone. Shuichi was always exactly the right kind of person to help Kaito with his problems, too – if only he’d known what Kaito was hiding from him in the first place.

(Also, man, if Rantaro had lived longer, he and Kaito could have had some very interesting interactions. I love how many characters in this story it’s possible to draw parallels and contrasts to Kaito with.)

[marveloussupernerd]

Crowns and Courtships - A Mystic Messenger AU

Chapter 4 - The Scare

This is a regency-era AU where the readers get to pick the final love interest about halfway through the story! All causal and deep story LIs are options :)

Chapter 3

Summary: who tried to harm you? You meet the new stableboy, Saeyoung Choi, and get a surprise visit from Prince Jumin and his family

Words: 2125

To your side you could see a horse galloping in the other direction towards the stables. Sir Zen had pushed you aside to avoid getting run over by the horse, you figured. Although, it wasn’t that hard to put together, considering he was still lying on top of you from tackling you to the ground. Your face heated up, and his turned bright red. He scrambled off of you then offered a hand to help you up. You took it, allowing him to pull you back to standing position.

The second you stood, he dropped onto his knee, his head down. “Please forgive me, Your Highness. I would not have taken you down if I had thought of any other way to protect you.”

You smiled, taking his hand this time and pulling him up. “You were just doing your job. I thank you for that.”

His hand reached up to touch your face, but you quickly pulled away. “You have a cut on your face, Your Highness. I can take you inside and find somebody who can patch it up for you.”

“I’d rather go to the stables and see who could possibly be causing such havoc first,” You requested. It was unusual for a Princess to go out and confront a person like you were, but you weren’t going to let them get away with that, especially with the stress of that one group being after you! Sir Zen offered you his handkerchief so you could wipe away the blood. You gently dabbed at it, a little coming off, then gave it back.

As you made your way to the stables, you noticed a new visitor there. He had right red hair, curly, clearly messed up from riding at such a high speed. He wasn’t too tall, but quite lanky. It was clear he wasn’t a noble. He turned and looked at the two of you. “Yes?”

You couldn’t help but let out a scoff. “You nearly ran me over with your house.”

“I’m sorry?” He replied. It was hardly genuine. He turned back to the horse he was on and took the saddle off.

“Watch your tone; this is the Princess you’re talking to,” Sir Zen warned, his hand on his side. There must have been some sort of concealed weapon on his side, you figured.

“Look,” he turned to you, approaching slowly. “I get that you’re the Princess, but I’m still the same amount of sorry,” he scoffed, “surprisingly enough, you can’t influence my feelings just based on your class.”

Zen’s hand balled into fists, but you stayed calm. You stepped even closer to the man: “And who might you be? That you think you can talk to me like that?”

“I’m the new stableboy, Saeyoung Choi,” he held his hand out for you to shake. You rolled your eyes, which was unlike you, but honestly you had never been treated in this sort of manner.

“You won’t be for long if you keep this act up,” you warned.

“I don’t know about that. The horse your father rode to one of the nearby kingdoms on got hurt; I’m the reason he got back safely. Also it seems your previous one retired,” he explained, a smug smirk on his face.

“Well, Mr. Choi, it seems you have a lot to learn if you’re going to work here.” You turned away from him, then spoke over your shoulder. “Perhaps learning to ride a horse might be your first endeavor.”

“She’s a new horse. Almost impossible to tame,” he explained, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I am sorry that you got hurt, though it seems like you’re walking just fine to me.”

You were wordless, and left the stables, Zen walked alongside you this time, escorting you to the palace so you could get your wound attended to. Although it was nothing big, it was important to make sure it wouldn’t become infected. That would cause much greater problems. Jaehee carefully cleaned it out with water then wrapped it in a bandage. You had tea and dinner in your room that night. You didn’t want anyone to see you like this.

The next morning, the wound had not healed much more. It was still a large gash on your forehead. You got dressed in one of your more comfortable white dresses and decided to spend the day in your room once again. Even though it was a cut, it was embarrassing to be seen with it.

You had Jaehee select a book from the library to interest you, this one was on botany, and lounged in your chaise, legs propped up and head tilted back. It was around time for tea when a knock sounded on the door; it startled you: you hadn’t been expecting any visitors. You assumed it was Jaehee and asked her to enter. It was not.

Standing in the doorway was Prince Jumin. You quickly swung your legs off the chaise and stood up to greet him. “Prince Jumin, what a surprise. Please ignore the disarray of… everything. I think it is obvious that I was not expecting you.” You blushed, setting your book down. Your hair was falling out of its style because you had been lying down, the cut in your face stood out; it was embarrassing.

“Your father visited the other day; I was surprised you were not there as well. He invited us over for tea, but I just heard you were not feeling well. I wanted to send my best wishes,” he explained, still standing in the doorway awkwardly.

“Well if you have not had any tea yet, you are more than welcome to have some with me. I need to get myself together, but I will join you downstairs in a moment,” you mustered; you had been dreading seeing other people, especially another King and Queen, but it would be rude if you didn’t join them for tea.

Jumin took a step closer to you; in fact, you were so close you could make out the green swirls in his gray eyes. You hadn’t realized how much taller he was compared to you. Your breath felt drained out of you. He was so close, yet you found yourself unable to move. “How did you get this cut?” He asked, fingers grazing the rough skin so lightly that you could hardly feel it. Your eyes involuntarily fluttered closed.

Ah! It was just you and him in here. Alone. And you were so close. You finally got yourself to take a step back. “Uh, we got a new horse,” you explained, dancing around the whole embarrassing situation. “It is still being trained and adjusting.

You started walking towards the door to the hall; he followed. “I will be down in just a moment to join you for tea,” you reminded him. He took his leave, kissing your hand before stepping out of the room.

The second he took his leave, it was time to panic. Jaehee was downstairs, likely helping organize the tea. You hurried to your room and used a pin under the bun in order to pull back the hair that had come loose. There was no time to redo the hairstyle, especially not on your own. You loosened the pull of the hair so that it covered the wound on your forehead, then started to make your way downstairs, chewing your lips during the descent so that you could bring some color to them.

“King Henry, Queen Amelia. It is such a pleasure to see you,” you greeted as you entered the room, dropping into a deep curtsy.

“Princess, I like what you’ve done with your hair,” the Queen complimented. She turned to her lady. “You will have to try that style on me sometime.

“Mother, Father, I would like to join you all for tea,” you requested, putting on a practiced smile.

“Of course my dear. I wasn’t sure if you were feeling up to company today. I know you were feeling quite faint after yesterday’s events,” your mother explained. It seemed they had set up the tea date in advance, which was interesting because you were supposed to be choosing your own suitor. You remembered Jumin’s words, that he had always planned the two of you would be arranged to marry. You were certain his family was still pushing for it. It almost annoyed you, but you knew it wasn’t his fault personally; he was probably as forced into this as you were at the moment, if not more because they wanted him to court you.

The group got up and made their way into the sitting room for tea. The two fathers were placed at the heads of the table, with their wives seated to the right of them and then you and Jumin to the right once more. You willed yourself not to look and make awkward eye contact with the prince. Your mother nudged you, encouraging you to start a conversation.

Think of something! Anything! Your mind was completely blank. You stared down at your tea, then glanced up at the prince, then back again, searching your mind for any sort of topic. “Was your travel here pleasant? I know it is a long way,” you mustered.

“It wasn’t too bad, but I cannot wait until we go to the city. Everyone lives so much closer to one another that you aren’t stuck in a carriage for hours,” the Queen explained. The families nodded; going to the city was one of the more exciting parts of the year, and it would be even more busy now that you were looking for a suitor.

“Are you also out for the social season, Prince Jumin?” Your mother asked. Oh the scheming. You had to stop yourself from sighing.

He smiled. He was quite dashing. “Ah, not technically. I still have my sights on marrying a princess, as my parents would like me to do as well. But, I see no downside to courting you, Princess, especially if it works out in the end.” How did he make everything seem so simple? He was extremely well-spoken. It made you feel even more self-conscious. You couldn’t respond. You’d only embarrass yourself.

The men stood up, excusing themselves into the other room so they could do their own things. Your mother poured another cup of tea. “Jumin has grown up so much,” she complimented the Queen sitting across from her. You hated when the men and women split up. You always just complimented one another; you wondered what the men did.

“He is very well spoken,” you added. This was just how the social circles worked. Your job was to compliment each other and ask about the ladies’ families or lands one-by-one.

“Thank you, he tries hard to please everyone. He has ever since he was little: always putting on shoes and sometimes even trying to help the maids clean the rooms,” the queen looked directly at you, “he has a kind heart.” It was a warning, as well as a push that you should get to know him better. You smiled and nodded, acknowledging this point. You paused and took a few sips of your tea.

“Well you’ve become quite a fine young lady as well,” the Queen told you. “I’m sure that plenty of esteemed men will be lining up to meet you. You have done quite a good job raising her,” she told your mother. A double compliment. That way she didn’t have to hand any more out. She was clever. But it was strange she mentioned the courting again. The family must have been secretly upset and/or confused by the ordeal.

You smiled, responding to her. “That has been the hope-”

“She has always been somewhat… outgoing. It does not always fit well with some of the other nobles. Ideally, she will find somebody who not only tolerates her candor but also appreciates it.” Nice work, Mom, coming to your defense.

“That makes complete sense; my Jumin is quite infatuated with you, or the idea of you at the very least,” the Queen complimented. This one was far more genuine, perhaps it was because your mother had exposed your flaws so openly. It made you feel weird. Luckily the men came back into the room.

“I heard my name; hopefully it’s all good things, Mother?” Jumin asked, placing a kiss on his mother’s cheek.

“Oh Jumin, I only ever have good things to say about you.”

The King was peering outside. “It looks quite nice out; why don’t the two of you go for a walk so that we can talk about political issues,” he recommended.

[wavemaker9]

So far I think Toni has like 4 potential ships for him? Remind me if I’m forgetting anyone but so far I think it’s just Cami, Mel, Gil, and Ivan who’ve gotten a focus on.

I also think I already touched on how Cami’s the best for Toni in the same way that Mel is for Austin and Ivan is for Kyle, so I prolly don’t need to go too deep into those two. I will say I had the thought the other day of like a need vs want thing with the three boy’s ships, and like. I think it was that Austin needs Mel but doesn’t usually want her right away, Kyle both wants and needs Ivan like right at the start, and like. Toni needs Cami a little but I do think he wants her more than he needs her. Mainly just cause like. We’ve discussed this in discord but not on here so basically for a written record, We were talking about Cami being a source of character development for Toni in GTA AU but then countered that because in GTA AU he really doesn’t develop any from his relay with Cami. He does for a little bit I guess but then regresses right back to normal because he’s a dumb idiot who learns nothing from his mistakes. It’s the same thing with the issue with Gil, he doesn’t come away from that going “I need to value and trust my friends more because we care about each other and I’ve known them long enough to not only recognize that, but /recognize it in a way that adjusts my behavior accordingly/”. He doesn’t. Like. If you talked him through the whole thing with Gil and Francis, you could get him to quickly admit he genuinely doesn’t believe there’s any way that Gil or Francis would, unprovoked, betray him. But then also be like “But technically there’s some way, so gotta be prepared.” HE’S THAT BATMAN LINE. THE DUMB ONE ABOUT “IF TEHRE’S A .1% CHANCE HE COULD BE OUR ENEMY WE HAVE TO TREAT THAT AS A 100% CERTAINTY!” Dumb idiot. I think it’s just that like. Because Toni wants to be prepared for everything so that he can handle everything, he has a hard time prioritizing probability over possibility. And that’s probably true in any AU but especially in ones like GTA where he has more to lose and has learned to be more paranoid. He knows the probability of Gil betraying him is like so small it’s basically 0%, but also Toni can think of ways that would force Gil to pick a side and have Toni be that losing side. Threatening Ludwig is the biggest one (and I’d assume there’d be an equivalent for Francis of “if someone threatened X if Francis didn’t betray me, he’d have to pick X”), but Toni probably also assuming that if it came down to a thing of picking Francis or him, Gil’d pick Francis. Similarly, Toni assumes Francis would pick Gil if Gil forced Francis’ hand, while not also considering the fact that if your two causes are ��Francis would betray me if Gil made him” and “Gil would betray me if Francis made him” and you don’t have any other factor that would prompt either Francis or Gilbert to make that move to push the other in the first place, then those aren’t really possible/probable causes are they, Toni? Even if the other cause is “Someone threatened Ludwig/X to make Gil/Francis betray me, but he doesn’t want to fight me directly so he’s then convincing Francis/Gil to do it.” like. His independent mentality doesn’t even have him consider “They would come to me and the two of us could work out how to save Ludwig/X together.” He just assumes betrayal because that’s how shit works in Los Santos, and because he assumes betrayal even in the .1% chance this extreme event happens, he feels he has to be prepared for it and won’t fucking chill about it. And even when it’s pointed out to him “Do you realize how unrealistic this is,” that’s not what he cares about. He knows it’s unrealistic, but that doesn’t make it impossible. It’d be like always wearing a life jacket 24/7 in case your house floods. You can point out how unlikely the flooding is at any given time, but he’ll just counter “and then what if it happens and then I don’t have a life jacket????” Like I guess you’re technically prepared, sure, but at what cost. Ugh, Toni’s the worst, I can’t believe I took this character I liked the best out of my three and made him the worst in his inability to learn a goddamn lesson.

Similarly, GTA Toni doesn’t learn a goddamn thing from what happens with Cami either. He doesn’t learn to communicate better, he doesn’t learn to trust people and put more faith in their choices, he doesn’t learn not to lie needlessly. To him, it’s not a factor of “Things would be better if I HAD told the truth” and more “Things would be better if I’d BEEN ABLE to tell the truth” because he’s still in some dumb mindset of unintentionally not respecting Cami’s (or anyone’s, really) autonomy. He /couldn’t/ tell Cami the truth, he /couldn’t/ 100% trust Gil and Francis. Again, he’s not realizing that these were actual choices he made and are specifically his fault. They are what /had/ to happen because, given his own knowledge and no other input, they were the best option at the time and thus the only thing he could really do. Even after Cami snaps at him about how much his break up with her and everything hurt her, he laments factors that were outside of his control instead of recognizing the choices he made weren’t good. If only he hadn’t gotten into the crime business, if only he’d met Cami earlier in his life, if only X, if only Y, blah blah blah. He recognizes that he made things worse here, but it still feels to him like “cami would have been better off if she never met me or if she’d met me before I got into crime” vs “cami would have been better off if I’d treated her with more actual respect and not this romanticized old version of respect where I pull her chair out for her but don’t ask for her opinion on major life decisions”. All of it basically boils down to ‘this wasn’t solely on me because I did what I /had/ to do given the circumstances. Nevermind that I could have changed the circumstances by discussing /anything/ with /anyone/. *hanzo voice* I do what I must.’ I touched on this in the fic with him and Gil, but Toni leans on excuses a lot more than he likes to think he does. During mel’s fake death, he calls out Kyle for not planning ahead and being aware of the consequences his actions have until they’ve already happened, but Toni has the exact opposite problem of /always/ trying to plan ahead to a harmful level and only being aware of the connection any consequences that happen may have with his actions until he actually does the thing and then any mistakes were a flaw in fate itself really, he did his best.

Anyway, fuck, that was supposed to be 1 paragraph about the generic dynamic of cami and toni, not multiple trainwrecks about what a trainwreck I turned that boy into in GTA AU. Back to the point. A lot of that is lessened in the handful of other AUs where Cami and Toni end up together even briefly, so that’s good at least. I mentioned to Khep the other day the idea of a similar thing happening with Toni in Color Coded AU of him having an interest in Cami after meeting her thanks to investigating her for PRISM, but when seeing how truly kind she is, him trying to step back because, while he does value PRISM for the help it gave him with his powers, he recognizes it’s shady and manipulative towards coders at best and doesn’t want Cami involved in that world. PRISM keeps a close eye on every one of its heroes, even those that leave/retire if it can, and Toni probably believing that while Cami could stay under the radar if staying on her own, any serious involvement with him would put her more at risk of PRISM’s lasting attention and she doesn’t deserve them watching over her and possibly deciding when she should and shouldn’t join. But in that one, he’d actually talk to her. Instead of spending his YA years as an independent and pseudo-paranoid crime leader, he spends them in a large community and as the leader of a team where communication is key. This Toni /knows/ that it’s important to ultimately trust people with information in order to better protect themself, and the only reason he’d hide info from Cami while trying to break things off would be at the very start since it’d probably take a little effort to find a way to communicate with Cami where he could be sure PRISM wouldn’t be keeping tabs. In other more chill AUs he tends to be better about that shit, too. Firefly AU was brought up since that’s another Toni that learns to lie with priority, but they don’t really end up together in that one so agreeing with the point there fo it not being as much of a thing? Mel and Gil feel like bigger factors into his development there than Cami does. Honestly, I can’t remember many other AUs where they even interact let alone date, now that I think about it tho? There’s the one happy one where they’re both single parents but that always felt more like a focus on the interaction between the kids/kids+parents vs between the parents, like honestly the TonixCami factor there was definitely back burner whenever I thought about it. Ugh, there has to be other AUs, right? Okay and I just went through my page of AU/Xover lists and it seems like no. Wait OUAT, I forgot that, but that’s also a bad one but not my fault. God we really do need better AUs for them. But honestly there aren’t many AUs for any of these ships we’re here to talk about so I guess I’ll be as assuming here as for the others.

I do feel like a non-GTA and the like AU where Toni and Cami can end up together is good. I’m still standing behind what I said in discord the other day of like. Toni is not necessarily the best end for /Cami/ if the AU has anyone else like Cian in it. I’ll also add something new of like. Even though Cami is probably the best of the options so far for Toni, she’s not the /ideal/ match either. Which, tbf, the same is true for Austin and Mel, honestly? It falls back to the need vs want thing. Kyle lucked out and got someone who helps him better himself while also being the type of person he absolutely adores. Austin’s best option would be someone who challenges him similar to how Mel does, but in a more reserved way and someone he has a bit more in common with. Someone he could start off wanting, instead of learning to want after a long while. (That’s also part of why Aud is a better fit for Mel too, since Aud is a bit more open and accepting of challenges and such due to her past vs Austin who is really not here as much to be significantly challenged; Aud isn’t /looking/ for a challenge either exactly, but she won’t back away from one as quickly as Austin will). For Toni and his ideal, there’s obviously the thing of like. Usually a relay with Toni isn’t great for her either since it’s just. Their relationships always feel very romanticized but not super realistic? I could see them having a long term relay and being happy, especially in more chill/neutral AUs like the adopted family AU one, but I think it takes them both a medium to /long/ while to relax around each other. Which isn’t… the worst, but also, it just feels a little unhealthy having to try /to that level/ in a relationship. Like trying in a relay is good, trying to seem perfect in a relay isn’t so much, and it’d probably take a few years to a decade or so before toni starts to feel comfortable not trying to the max 24/7. And that’d be exhausting, and that’s for Toni who is used to and honestly lowkey thrives in a challenging environment, because Cami would in turn likely also feel the need to always be at her best regardless of Toni’s reassurances, and that’d be even worse for someone like her who is NOT already confident and believes herself as being at the best level already. Eventually they could settle into a really nice comfortable life together, and I think it’d be very good for both of them at that point, because they’re both very caring and passionate people at their cores, but it’d probably be rough to start off with.

Mel is next on the list and honestly a very good match for him, too, although probably not as challenging as he would need to key points. I’ll cover this more for Gil and Ivan later on but I picture Cami and Gil are better at challenging Toni in ways that he could use given his flaws, where as Mel is more middle ground and. God, Ivan. We’ll get to Ivan. With Mel, it’s not that she wouldn’t be capable of challenging him or anything. She’s honestly probably the most prepared for that and can probably shut down a lot of shit the first time she sees it and knows it’s bad. Toni doesn’t talk to her about something important and just does X thing and her confronting him immediately on it. Same with like the one fic I did for the rarepair thing. She sees he’s not honest about who he is and what he likes, and she talks to him right away to kind of address that and why it’s important to her that that change even a little if they’re going to stay together. Really, they are a good match in that they either compliment or contrast each other well. They’re both active worker types who enjoy fighting and such, and though there’d have to be some competition between them, I could imagine it being treated as more playfully competitive than full on “I have to be the best” aggressive. Toni’s more diplomatic and that helps Mel with socializing some times and kind of getting her to take a hot second when angry to calm down and think through her reactions so she doesn’t get too mad and make more enemies than friends. They really do work very well together when they try and it’s not like having each other wouldn’t help better them. Honestly the main reason I don’t move Mel up to the highest potential pairing is just that I don’t picture Mel as the sort that would inspire him to naturally want to change on anything that’s a major issue for him. Like he wouldn’t naturally want to fix the communication thing, he’d just see that mel doesn’t like this so he’d fix it. One of the things that causes Cami to appeal to him most is her being so nice and sweet leads to him trying to be a naturally nicer person and just genuinely care more about people. Tone down that pride and judgement and be more open minded and selfless. The other thing, as we’ll get into with gil, isn’t something he thinks he needs as much initially but would probably learn to recognize a need for more, and that’s just chilling the /fuck/ out for once and just having a breather. Again, he thrives on challenge and stuff, he loves putting 110% into everything if he can, but like. Just relaxing and being chill and not being the best is okay too? And that’s not like “do the work, take a nap, get back to work” that’s like “I don’t have to be prepared to defend my non-existent title on everything to impress people. I can just relax and be myself genuinely and it’s probably fine.”

So let’s just move onto Gil then since that’s the big pro when Toni gets to date him. Honestly, at least atm, I think Gil is the only person Toni ever knows that he feels like he can 100% relax with? Francis is close in most AUs, probably like 95% in more chill scenarios, but Gil has a much more natural way about him where he’s just so honest, it’s infectious to Toni. It really is why he likes Gil so much. Francis is arguably cooler and more fashionable and confident, but Gil seems to have this fucking ultimate zen thing going of owning who he is so completely which even Toni hasn’t mastered yet, and Toni thinks that’s the coolest. Great humor and confidence is a big factor into Toni befriending Gil so closely. Gil can always make Toni relax and laugh and forget his worries for a bit and Toni has such a chill genuine fun time when with Gil, and, again, for someone like Toni who feels like he has to try 110% minimum at all times, feeling comfortable in the moment enough to not feel like he has to impress and watch himself is really nice. Honestly? I feel like there are a lot of things Toni likes that he’s just kind of filtered out of his personality because of reputation, and it’s only when hanging out with gil or the full group that he’ll find himself doing that kind of shit again because he feels like he can get away with it more when with gil and/or francis. Like in a lot of AUs Gil’s probably the first one to get out of Toni that he does like being called Toño more, to the point of I don’t even know if Toni often fully realizes it until Gil gets him to stop and consider it. Like there’s just a lot of stuff like that where Toni doesn’t even think about it anymore. He found ‘Toni’ was the name people found easiest growing up (usually) in America, so he went with that until it felt like his preferred name. God, honestly I think there’s just a lot of Toni’s personality that might not really be his personality and who knows what is or isn’t at any given time? He probably doesn’t on a lot. I sure don’t, I’ve never had this boy down pat. Hell, there’s already the thing of him naturally wanting to swear a lot but training himself to cut that out so he really only does it around Francis and Gil. Like. Maybe dressing up in high business casual all the time is just something he’s convinced himself he likes? What if I say he actually hated tomatoes as a kid and just whoever his guardian is in each AU loved them and made them a lot so he eventually tricked himself into liking them?? I can do anything with this new power, incredible! But yeah, maybe that’s another factor of liking hanging out with Gil too is not just “oh I get to relax and enjoy things I don’t normally allow myself too” but also “sometimes I remember I enjoy things I haven’t done in years and that’s nice”. Fucking Gil one day just questioning “Hey how come you say ‘probably’ or ‘probably not’ a lot when I ask if you like a thing instead of just yes or no?” and then through a slow convo of having to break down toni’s answers because even toni doesn’t realize fully that he does this, that finally coming out and gil just baffled once things click. Gil showing up the next day with a bunch of foods from the store for toni to try and actually see if he likes them. Toni like I don’t think this is how it works, Gil. Gil teasing back ‘maybe you’ve just convinced yourself you don’t think this is how it works when the REAL toni would love my idea? It’s impossible to know!’ and toni just laughing but conceding, sure, yeah, sounds 100% legit and not at all bullshit, what’s first on your goofball buffet, bud?

Okay, distracted again, back to the point. Toni relaxing is good, but I think it’s better as a friendship thing longer term? Toni relaxing every once in a while is a good break, but his morals and priorities and such slip when he’s not careful. Which leads us to the last boy on the list, Ivan. ...Listen. I /love/ the compare and contrast factor between Toni and Ivan because they really do have a surprising amount in common for not seeming like they would at a glance. A couple of terrible smile boys, love them, /but also/. Not the greatest influences on each other. This is especially true in verses like GTA and Nationverse with baggage. Toni tries to be a better person and move past his bloody history, but given who he is, it requires a /lot/ of maintaining. And like the pro with Gil is that I think Gil would still mostly be a good enough influence where even while encouraging toni to relax more, he’d still be a more good than bad influence in almost any AU. Like even GTA, Gil is a chaotic good sort, and that’d be important. But Ivan is decidedly not in those sorts of AUs, and pairings between him and Toni have the potential for being the worst in those. GTA (and probably Nationverse too?), Ivan loves prying at that mask of Toni’s and so tries to instigate him more, that would lead to Toni then pushing back, and like. A long term relay between them in those AUs would be hard. You factor in that Toni’s trust issues are worse in those and his darker instincts are way stronger from his history + Ivan also probably very similar on a lot of those points too and also just has not learned to respect human life at all tbh? Toni’s trying to respect human life, but yknow sometimes it’s hard???? (anyone else: I find it’s not hard at all not to murder people. I often go long periods of time without killing anybody! | toni and ivan: we all have our draughts) I just picture in those AUs they are too much of a chaotic force when together and it would be damaging for themselves and/or others. Plus the idea came up once between Avi and I of the GTA fling between them becoming more romantic but god you’d have to find the perfect storm to really make that happen to be honest? It’s not /impossible/ but it’s very unlikely. Toni doesn’t trust ivan enough to let himself become that close to him really, and if he couldn’t allow himself to let down his walls for cami, it’d be damn fucking hard to get him to do it for ivan in turn. He’d pull himself back before he did, and that could be another factor of ivan trying to pry at toni and see how much he can push him, see if he can pull him back in, but that would just further sour any possibility of an actual romantic relationship. In better AUs where they aren’t both bad kids, it’s a little more possible, but I still think even then, they wouldn’t be /great/ influences on each other. Definitely better! They both learn to try and be on better behavior, but. yknow. The bar was set low; there’s only so many AUs that aren’t better than gta au.

[shitsumon-abound]

Lilith Ascends

I was wondering yesterday about Good Omens.

Like, okay, so Adam denied his Hellish father, well done. 

How about his mother though?

Got me thinking about Lilith being the core of it all, the first Angel-Demon war, the reason Crowley fell, and then the reason Crowley is deified(?) according to Book of Tobit.

Yeah, I’m the ‘Crowley is Raphael’ supporter, sue me. Same universe as this, but post-canon

May continue later or not. Bit busy at the moment.

It was sometime after the not-Armageddon.

If Anathema didn’t burn the book of prophecy, perhaps she’d told Aziraphale and Crowley of it, and they’d have time to prepare. Or maybe Adam. The boy was, after all, the center of it all. And he was still, even after he’d denied Satan.

A woman entered Aziraphale’s shop, miraculously. Aziraphale set very unreasonable opening hours because he never actually wanted to sell any of his books but didn’t think that keeping them in storage would do them justice. Besides, opening a shop would open opportunities to gain more books, so he persevered.

Aziraphale froze when he saw her. The woman felt familiar. Which was peculiar, because everything changed too quickly for Aziraphale or other immortal beings. Nothing ever felt familiar these days, except for Crowley who’d been by his side for a decade now.

(Technically, their first meeting was in the Garden, but they only started to see each other daily after the birth of Anti-Christ)

Then, there’s the demonic aura.

Of course, she’s a demon, he thought. There’s universal preference to the color black for demons, Aziraphale thought. Though, she’s more like Crowley than the rest of them, with how clean and proper she looked. Sort of like Anathema, really.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

Aziraphale regretted not accepting Crowley’s offer to buy him cellphone. For a demon to come to him so soon after the body-swap stunt they pulled, his first guess was that she’s an envoy from Hell, here to wreck vengeance. He wondered if an angel had come to Crowley.

Maybe Michael? Or perhaps Gabriel himself?

“Greetings, Aziraphale, Angel of Eastern Gate.”

The voice was familiar too, in an odd sort of way.

Friendly.

A demon, friendly with an angel? He didn’t know it’s possible except for Crowley. There’s chill down his spine now.

She smiled, beamed at him, and Aziraphale unconsciously took a step back. She walked closer; arms spread. She was so familiar, so seemingly harmless and nice while at the same time strange that he feared her.

It showed in his face, probably. She stopped; brows scrunched in confusion.

“Oh… I’m sorry, I was taught that this is how the humans greet each other these days. Am I mistaken? Do they still curtsy?”

“No… Uh, I believe not. Not in these parts. It’s just… uh…”

“Too intimate? How about a handshake?”

She tilted her head and the motion was so achingly familiar. Aziraphale swallowed.

“Angel and demon… probably explode?”

She seemed even more confused.

“But… I’m not a demon. And you held my son just fine the other day.”

“I’m afraid to tell you that deception is futile, you are most certainly a demon… Wait, son?”

“Yes! Well, is he? Still my son, I mean? There’s this girl I met in Media who used to be a boy. Poor girl, every man who married her went crazy when they found out! Six of them, was it? Can’t recall. Raphael also takes female form sometimes, as I recall.”

“You must be mistaken, I… I don’t remember ever touching a demon’s child. Well, except for-“

Adam.

The Anti-Christ.

Satan’s son.

Aziraphale gasped as the pieces started to fall into place.

==

He took her to the back and had her sit down, then excused himself to make her drink and to call Crowley. Aziraphale had made a promise with Crowley for lunch, though it wouldn’t be for another two hours. Still, he figured it’d be safer to check if the demon was safe and not as he’d feared before, smitten by Michael. He’d preferred if Crowley could come faster too because he’d rather not talk to Queen of Hell on his own and she was looking for Crowley.

“Crowley, I need you here, immediately. I know our appointment is for later, but please, I need to be sure you’re alright. That, and there’s also one more thing...”

It’s not surprising that his call went to voicemail. Crowley was nocturnal, and Aziraphale thought the demon preferred to sleep through the day if not for his promises with the angel.

“The Queen of Hell, Lilith is here.”

There’s a click.

“Be there in five minutes, don’t say anything unnecessary.”

Another click.

Well, he sounded fine. Mission accomplished, he supposed.

“Do mind the pedestrian!”

By the way, from Crowley’s penthouse to Aziraphale’s bookshop was not far, but there’s always traffic. It’s impossible for the trip to be five minutes if one was to follow traffic regulation.

“You haven’t answered my question, by the way.”

“Ah, uhm, yes, I suppose… Last time I met him, Adam is still, uhh… your son.”

In a matter of speaking.

Aziraphale didn’t know how to put it. Adam had denied Satan as his father and had basically refused to do anything both Heaven and Hell wanted him to do. He’s not sure if his defiance also included his Hellish mother.

To be honest, he didn’t know that Lilith was the mother. Crowley hadn’t mentioned any names but thinking back it should be obvious.

“Lovely. I may be absent, but even I know that missing out on his growth and development is bad. And I’ve missed so much... Oh, thank you, Aziraphale. This cocoa is divine.”

“Ahahaha, you are welcome.”

“I’m so sorry for the sudden visit. It’s just that… you know, I am certain that boy wouldn’t want to see me, and I’m not sure Raphael would appreciate visitors from Hell. You’re friends with him, so I just assumed you’d be more receptive.“

“No one has ever visited me from Hell before. Only Crowley.”

“Oh yeah, he’d changed his name, hasn’t he? Oh, I do wish he doesn’t change his name so often…”

“Just twice, actually. It’s not that often. Though it did take hundreds of years for me to adjust.”

Aziraphale still wasn’t used to Anthony, admittedly.

“Twice is one more than I know of. No one in Hell ever changed their name. Except for my husband, of course. Lucifer, Samael… Satan now. I hope it’s not a familial trait. It’s hard to keep track, names.”

At the mention of Satan, Aziraphale couldn’t help but laugh nervously.

Lilith.

The very first human created by God.

The cause of The Revolution. The one which divided the celestials into two groups, Angels and Demons.

Crowley would surely argue that it’s Gabriel’s fault, for trying to guess the ineffable. Chasing away Lilith… well, Aziraphale had to admit it sounded so dreadful.

“... I’ve told him off, by the way.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Satan. For taking my baby. For not getting Ra- Crowley to help me give birth. The last decade was horrible. I had to make do with Dagon for housewife and it’s simply a nightmare. He then had the gall to tell me he did make Crowley helped with my delivery, by being the one who gave my son away to humans!”

“… the nerve.”

Especially since Aziraphale was pretty sure Dagon’s specialty was not that kind of fertility.

“Yes! Thank you! I’m glad someone understands my pain!”

Aziraphale considered taking some of his wine. Clearly, the lady was in need of them. Crowley very rarely accepted food, which Aziraphale knew it’s because of his angelic nature which he still couldn’t forget completely, but he loved alcohol. Crowley once taunted about the lack of good alcohol in heaven. He wondered if there’s alcohol in hell.

Lilith sniffed.

“I objected to it, but they all insisted… Then, I thought, well, as long as I can watch over him, rather than him taken without me noticing. Then, then Beelzebub told me to not worry, Crowley is caring for him personally as his nanny… But… it turns out to be a lie…”

That’s… well, that’s not anyone’s fault, really. Just terrible luck. Blind poker game was never a good idea. Leaving things to Crowley was never a good idea, but best not say it, he reckoned.

Aziraphale squirmed in his seat.

“Speaking of Beelzebub, do not worry. I have ordered them to stand down. Unlike my husband, I have no grudge towards my siblings nor their descendants. They should have gotten that hint when I was the one who helped Eve caring for her children, honestly.”

She huffed and drank more of her cocoa.

“Thank you very much, Milady.”

“Just Lilith is fine. I am in debt to you and Crowley after all. This is really good, by the way.”

There was a loud slamming noise and then the sound of shoes against the wooden tile.