#which is odd because i cant do it on command. idk how to do an aus accent very well

[website-com]

i tend to change and lose my accent very easily on accident

[shooks-stupid-stuff]

i have the text dump, it has lots of lore and will probably break the text limit-

SO BASICALLY JACIAN AND TAIANA SHIZ BASICALLY ALL I HAVE COME UP WITH FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND PLOT STUFF AND YES-

so basically they first meet in act 1 of the main plot (tm) which is really just adventure to go stop odd thing thats happening (idk exactly what atm but thats not really important).  Jarcian is basically a knight whos working for an unknown(at the time, we'll get to it later) person, and he has been tasked with impeding the progress of the main group.  how does he plan to do this? well, despite literally having troops at his disposal (who all adore him and are 100% loyal to him, they love their goofy captain), of course he challenges the main character group to a one on one duel, because he is just a goofy villain who fights fair and lives by his honor.  Of course Taiana accepts his challenge, being a knight herself, and they proceed to have a draw.  Out of respect, and because he's lowkey thrilled that someone has taken him seriously for once, Jacian concedes and retreats for the time being, but not before he and Taiana declare each other to be rivals (with like 75% of the main group just being so done with both of them and wanting to leave).  They have a few more encounters after this, with taiana always insisting that they take up his challenge fairly rather than just like have everyone defeat his forces because she feels he's not a bad guy and actually at this point considers him a friend, and after a while Jacian begins to think that he might be developing feelings for Taiana, which he really doesnt know how to feel about so he consults his second in command, Anton (short for Anthony; this man is just a side character but he is like the best side character ever and im 100% giving him a unique design bc he's just like the most supportive dude ever-). i plan on making a short comic based off the conversation they have but basically Jacian has his suspicions confirmed, and goes full panic attack and sad mode bc oops literal forbidden love this is so sad : pensive : .  There are like 2 more encounters between the main group and Jacian's group, both of which Jacian is just like being very obvious on accident but taiana has no idea what a social cue is so she just doesnt pick up on any of it, and then major plot shit happens and we're onto part 2.

in part 2, things get kinda angsty and really can split off in 2 different directions, with one being significantly less angsty than the other. basically, shit goes down, and all 3 of the main kingdoms are all just kinda in conflict now.  Taiana ends up becoming the queen of her kingdom (called Serenia) and, despite her appearingly newfound confidence and leadership skills, she is internally in turmoil due to previous plot events (and this only gets worse with future ones) and is beginning to fall into a state of self doubt due to the pressure she puts on herself to protect everyone coupled with the fact that she cant, and failed to protect her own father and brother.  After a bit of rebuilding and strategizing, Taiana decides to lead a counterattack against the neighboring kingdom of Grysia who's king, Natalio, has basically backstabbed every other kingdom and had invaded Serenia while the main group was out doing other stuff (his son is also part of the main group, and some real shit happens there but thats another tale for another ramble-).  It turns out that Jacian serves him, and is having one hell of a moral struggle right now.  His knights honor forbids him from betraying his lord, but he's unsure if he's truely doing the right thing as he's been complacent to so many inhumane atrocities that Natalio has preformed.  But in the end he decides that he must stick to his duty to the very end, no matter what (and let me just say, once natalio shows his true colors he does some bad shit, like really damn bad. but again, another disscussion for another day).  Eventually, the main group is pretty much on the castle's doorstep, and so Natalio makes the decision to send Jacian to put a stop to them. More specifically, to their leader, who at this point is Taiana.  Jacian of course, really doesnt want to (but as he later figures out, Natalio knows of his crush and plans on having the two destroy each other, with the result of one being killed and the other being emotionally destroyed. as I said, natalio is a very bad man), but his duty commands that he must, and so he tells Anton to make sure his troops escape the conflict together, and heads off to his final duel, where he intends to head to his grave and take his secret with him.  When he confronts the main group, he is much more solemn than he normally is, and he challenges Taiana to one final duel. and despite every other duel they had resulting in a draw, this one results in a loss from Jacian.  As a final wish, Jacian begs Taiana to take his life, as he'd rather die at her hands than at Natalios.

now, since im thinking about the plot in terms of it being a game, there actually is a branch in the plot based on a choice made at this point (mainly bc the angsty one is more interesting character development wise but the not angsty one makes me happy and i want to see these 2 be happy together-). so the two choices are basically to take Jacian's life, or to spare him.  ill go over what each choice leads to in order.

choose to take his life:  Taiana tries to take Jacian's life, but she just can't bring herself to.  She already internally feels as if she's lost or come close to losing many of the peopleshe holds dear, and she could never bring herself to kill someone she considers a friend.  Seeing this, Jacian smiles before apologizing to her for everything, and thanking her for the joy she's brought him, before telling her he loves her and taking his own life via stabbing his sword through his chest.  His intent is to save her the pain of taking his life by ding it for him, but this ends up pushing her over the edge, as she blames herself and sees it as yet another failure to protect someone she cared about.  The main group ends up defeating natalio and liberating Grysia, but Taiana is left with menatl and emotional wounds that would leave her unstable for much of the remaining plot. it doesnt help that she eventually realizes that she loved him too.  His former troops, which had deserted the war just as he asked, end up joining the Serenian military, with Anton becoming the captain of the knights.  This mainly leads to alot of character development for taiana, and how she learns to cope with and accept the fact that she cant protect everyone, no matter how much she wants to.  (there also is another really angsty part later bc main villian has some bs powers but uhh we've had enough sad i thinkand this is getting really long-)

choose to spare him:  Taiana refuses to take Jacian's life, to which Jacian retorts that she had to if she wanted to get past.  Of course, she once again refuses as she wont harm someone she cares about, especially when she's already lost people she cares about and is really close to just losing it.  She then states that if one of them had to die, the he should take he life, much to his dismay.  She stands firm on this, and he attempts, but his feelings finally overpower his sense of duty, and he just cant.  but at the same time, his honor won't let him betray his lord, and if he goes back he will just be killed.  He and taiana argue a bit, with taiana trying to convince him to join her before finally breaking down and just letting out everything she's had pent up inside since the the end of part 1 of the plot (different story for a different day)  Jacian lets out some emotional baggage of his own, including confessing his feelings for taiana,which she is completely surprised about.  They talk and mildly argue for a bit more, with Jacian eventually surrendering to his feelings, and vowing to right the wrongs made by his complacency before thanking Taiana for helping him to remember why he became a knight in the first place, and abandoning his old sense of honor to take up arms with the main group and find a new sense of honor, fighting for the people as taiana does rather than just for one corrupt man.  Natalio really isnt suprised by this, and simply says that he'll send them both to the grave by his own hands, before being defeated by the main group with the help of Jacian's troops because yknow, theyre loyal to Jacaian before theyre loyal to the king.  During the 6-year skip between part 2 and 3, Taiana and Jacian end up getting married, and similarly to the other option Anton is appointed captaianof the Serentian Knights, and remains a close friend to Jacian (along with the rest of his troops, theyre his bois).  This mainly leads to more development of Jacian and how he interacts with the other charcaters in the main group, as well as him helping taiana to cope with many of her insecurities and issues, and offering support in a way that none of the other characters in the main group can (i meant to not this earlier as well, she may be very close to other characters as well, such as xayvion, but they just dont understand certain aspects of her personality deep down as well as Jacian does. The two are just a pair of overly excessive goofy knights, and though they may be slightly different they understand each other in a way no one else does).

and uhh thats basically it, this was way more than i meant to write and i really need to go to sleep now so uh yeet- anyways i love these 2, thank you for coming to my ted talk-

[pavlovers]

music asks: 5, 9, 10, 14, 17, 20, 25, 32, 35, 41, 43, 49, 50, 56

5. what do you think the best popular song of the year is so far?

 i rarely listen to top 40 anymore but uhh i thought the finesse remix with cardi b and bruno mars was really good. oh and this is america by childish gambino is easily one of the best songs of the year so far. 

(apparently humility by gorillaz also charted on the hot 100 so that too i guess)

9. album of the year? 

hard to say yet but contenders include: virtue -  the voidz, isolation - kali uchis, tranquility base hotel and casino - arctic monkeys, always ascending - franz ferdinand, dirty computer - janelle monae, and 7 - beach house

10. what are the best songs your parents have gotten you into? 

really the extent of my parents’ knowledge of music is cambodian music that they never remember the name of and my dad’s love for old 80s hits so: sweet dreams - eurythmics, just be good to me - sos band, little lies - fleetwood mac, the tide is high - blondie, and hungry like the wolf - duran duran

14. if someone asks you what music they should check out, what are your go-to recommendations?

it really depends on what im feeling at the moment and what i know about the other person’s music taste. i usually don’t like, casually recommend someone to listen to one of my favorite bands of all time or something unless they ask specifically about it or im confident that they’d like it because like idk i guess i find sharing stuff like that to be very vulnerable. 

17. what are your favorite songs that have ever been popular?

somebody told me - the killers

someday - the strokes

friday im in love - the cure

common people - pulp

blue monday - new order

20. what was your first concert? if you haven’t been to one, what do you want your first concert to be?

it was the 1975 at mohegan sun arena on november 5, 2016, which was the day after my fourteenth birthday. i cant remember much from it now but it was a ton of fun, god the light set up was phenomenal and my mother seemed to enjoy matt healy’s dancing a lot. 

25. what is your singing voice like? what singers do you remind yourself of?

oof i kinda hate my singing voice so uhh idk. i usually like making my voice as loud and commanding and bright as possible so i tend to sing a lot more in a chest voice when im alone. idk i think i sound very much like what your average 15 year old girl who happens to not be tone deaf would sound like. i guess make of that what u will because to compare myself to other singers would be doing a huge disservice to them. 

32. how do you feel about musicals?

oh i definitely used to be a musical person. i very much used to be that 13 year old who was into heathers the musical and hamilton and stuff like that. i guess ive grown out of being so invested in them, and i havent really properly listened to one in quite a while but im definitely not like against them or anything. 

35. what are your favorite songs/soundtracks from movies?

i dont watch movies too often and my memory’s the worst so all i can think of is the trainspotting soundtrack. the best songs off of that imo are sing by blur, temptation by new order, and 2:1 by elastica. 

41. do you prefer songs that have good melodies or songs that have good lyrics?

i mean ideally i’d like both of course, but i guess lately ive been kind of finding myself more invested in the sonic side of things. if a song that has a great hook has some mediocre lyrics, i’ll more often than not let it slide i guess. which doesnt mean i dont care at all about lyrics or dont appreciate them, it’s just as ive been consuming more and more music my overall enjoyment of a song has started to depend less and less on whether a song has the most quality lyrics or not. 

43. name five songs you like that were released at least 50 years ago.

the night before - the beatles

venus in furs - velvet underground

this guy’s in love with you - herb alpert and the tijuana brass

the times they are a changin’ - bob dylan

hush - deep purple

49. what are your favorite album covers?

pretty odd, wpsiamtwin, definitely maybe, sgt peppers

50. any cover versions that you think are better than the original?

katy on a mission - arctic monkeys

start today - fall out boy

hallelujah - jeff buckley

i am the walrus - oasis

56. if you had a stage name, what would it be?

actually my full name’s relatively short and simple (it’s the same # of syllables as something like “sandra dee”) so i always figured that if i ever decided to become famous i probably wouldnt have to do anything to it

[cherry-pop-soda]

okay ive been enabled, time to be unhinged!!

review/my ramblings underneath the cut B)

okay so before i go into the actual plot i just need to talk about the narrator. hes this weird pink thing, god only knows what animal hes supposed to be. a pig?? a weird bear?? a cat?? i have no clue.

anyways hes voiced by the guy who made the whole film, and i dont really understand why his character is necessary because the story isnt any less confusing and insane with him interjecting and trying to explain.

starting in on the story, we have our main man Joshua.

hes a kid with a pretty shit family who argues constantly and yells at him for nothing. his father is immediately characterized and scary and aggressive, and his mom is just mean. joshua’s parents argue and then yell at him, so he goes to his room feeling down and falls asleep.

then this weird creature shows up??? i have NO IDEA what hes supposed to be but he just. clips through the ceiling and materializes out of thin air.

he introduces himself as Christopher Andrew Eugene Barzione, or just chris. hes a fucking weirdo who says red flag things the entire time. anyways rven though hes a complete stranger he convinces joshua to trust him, takes joshua by the arm and flies off like? out of the space time continuum or something?? and just somehow ends up at the time of the bible story in which moses is leading the jewish people out of egypt. then chris just fucking?? puts joshua into the body of the biblical joshua??? so joshua, a child, is literally now possessing the body of an adult man in ancient egypt.

at this point they go through the parting of the red sea, and joshua, who is again, a child in the body of a grown ass man, probably collects a shitton of trauma as he watches the red sea close back up and drown a bunch of people.

they continue through the biblical story, and joshua becomes moses’ right hand man. i should mention moses looks like this.

also no, thats not a giant chin, thats a really poorly rendered beard. i cant unsee it as a chin but i swear its supposed to be a beard.

theres also a battle scene where joshua is chosen to lead the people into battle with another nation, which is insane to me on numerous levels because for one thing i cannot wrap my mind around how nobody questioned that joshua, a grown man, has the voice of like a 9 year old boy. but anyways joshua collects even more trauma as he goes into battle and absolutely destroys a ton of people, murdering them willingly despite literally being a child.

continuing on, i think i’ll also mention that in the part of the biblical story in which the people start worshipping a golden calf and moses punishes them, in the bible he actually has them all slaughtered, and in this film he melts down the statue and makes them drink the gold. it makes sense to take out the slaughtering to not freak kids out but idk, drinking gold wouldve freaked me out just as bad as a kid, its making me cringe now. but idk i digress i just think its odd.

oh and ALSO before i go on. when moses gets the ten commandments he takes joshua with him but then just leaves joshua on the side of the mountain they climbed for forty days??? which i know is not weird if you know the bible story, but also, its important to remember joshua is in like. some undefined weird dream state this entire time. so hes basically having an insanely long dream, and it gets even longer, but we’ll get there.

so moving on eventually they get to the promised land, a city called Jericho. but theres already people living there, and joshua gets sent to scope the place out. he sees the people there sacrifice a baby, and later chris weirdly convinces him that this is a reason to have the whole population destroyed, because what they did was against god. and i do have to say that objectively, sacrificing a baby is a very weird and bad thing to do, but also, these people were in this city just living their lives without even knowing the ten commandments existed. so theyre essentially about to get completely obliterated from existence for disobeying a commandment they had no idea existed.

also, i need to mention that all the people of jericho look like this.

and so the biblical story continues, and the people carry this box with the ten commandments inside it around the outside of Jericho six times, and then stop. for some reason this makes the jericho people laugh, ig because they think these other peoples’ god is pathetic. but as theyre laughing, these massive fucking angels appear behind them. wait let me put images

yeah so these guys appear with gigantic hammers and just completely obliterate the whole city with all the people still inside.

and after this the other people cant even move in not just because its destroyed, but also because god got mad at all of them and condemned them to live in the desert forever, saying only joshua would enter the “promised land”.

joshua becomes the leader and is completely like. indoctrinated into playing the role of the grown ass man he is still possessing.

theres also? this one part where the narrator appears and says some things but then hes like? “thats my cue” and just fucking reverse breaks the fourth wall and goes INTO the story, turns into an angel, comes up to joshua, and joshua is like. “what message does the lord have for me” and literally all the other guy says is “the land you are standing on is holy” or something close to that and thats just. it. and the scene abruptly ends after that.

but anyways shortly after that chris comes back and he takes joshua back to his real life. funnily enough, when he took joshua off on the weird dream thing, he promised joshua he’d get him back in time for dinner, but when they come back, joshua is late for dinner and chris is literally just like “its not my fault” even though it absolutely is his fault.

ONE FINAL THING. when jericho gets destroyed, the weird devil head from way up on this post materializes and when joshua is transported back to his real life, the devil thing follows him. and joshua has to FIGHT SATAN WITH A FAKE WOODEN SWORD IN HIS BEDROOM. and somehow he succeeds and the devil head thing turns into rocks, and the rocks just disintegrate like sand, and then the whole thing is just over. it is so abrupt and so weird.

coming to the end, joshua’s parents are still arguing when he comes in for dinner, but after he sits down they suddenly just 180 and completely change their tune and start apologizing to each other and to joshua for being shitty. and thats the end of the 55 minute long, poorly animated fever dream!

i honestly summarized very fast to keep this post from being a bajillion miles long, but truly what ive said and the screenshots ive added dont even cover this movie. you need to just experience it. i did not even get into the sound in this film whatsoever because its just. you just need to watch it and hear for yourself how bad it is. its comically bad.

i highly recommend watching an actual movie review on it so you can hear what it genuinely sounds like. i definitely recommend ted nivison’s video on it, i found it insanely funny and it covers a lot of stuff i couldnt really cover well in the format of a text post.

but thats been my ramble :^)

i think my new hyperfixation is watching the absolute worst animated films i can possibly find

[up-among-the-stars]

Cycle 307

The five times Kaizo forgets his birthday, and the one time he doesn’t.

i.

Kaizo is sixteen when he first forgets.

Granted, he forgets a lot of things these days, but none of which he actually means to. He's taking his time with the mask, and while the side-effects aren't disabling, they're not exactly productive, either. It's annoying, how the memories he wants buried stay vividly clear, but Imus forbid he remember his own naming day.

So when his grandfather walks in the training room, a whole shift early and wondering why he hasn't started cleaning up, his first response is a very eloquent, "What?"

The general stares at him. "We're going to the plaza."

"...why?"

"It's your naming day," the man says with a slight frown, watching as Kaizo blinks in realization.

"Oh. Right."

"You forgot." It's not a question.

Kaizo hums, looking back at the sentinel he's pinning on the wall. He releases his hold and ends the simulation with a quick command, idly watching the bot sink back to the floor. He can still feel his grandfather watching him, but he honestly doesn't know what to say.

It was his choice to keep the mask, and the consequences were something he just had to live with.

He settles with a simple, "It's a work in progress."

Kaizo meets his grandfather's eyes, lets the other search his face for a few moments, and waits. His mouth quirks upward when he gets a small nod, knowing that the general has seen his resolve. Out of habit, he does a quick salute, before heading off to his room for a quick shower.

Training can wait; for now, he has a celebration to attend.

ii.

There are... things outside his room.

Kaizo is barely back from his latest mission when he spots the colorful mess in the hallway. He was gone for a couple of lunar cycles to patrol the Latsyrk quadrants, having picked up a couple of frequencies that belonged to powerspheres.

He'd managed to collect five of them before deciding to head home, which is how he finds himself in this current situation.

Frowning at the storage blocks scattered at his doorway, Kaizo wonders if someone dropped them, before pushing the thought away. Everyone in the East Wing knows where his room is, if only to avoid it. He's not the... kindest of people, especially after long-term missions. He blames Bora Ra for that one.

Upon closer inspection, he notices one that looks like Maya's. Bronze has always been the mechanic's color, so he picks that one up, half convinced that it's safe. If anything ever happens to him, he can always drop by her shop for an unannounced visit.

He's turning the cube over when he notices the storage date, then everything clicks.

Oh, Kaizo thinks. It was my naming day.

He hadn't really been paying attention to the date recently, but he supposed those close to him still did. Pressing the release button, Kaizo steps back just in time to catch a metallic blue slab, sleek sides tapered off to a handle.

He shifts to hold it properly and watches as it morphs around his arm to form an ion blaster.

Maya really doesn't hold back, Kaizo thinks, smirking at the possibilities for his next mission. The sword may be his preferred medium, but even he wouldn't refuse something with twice the power. He shuts it down before grabbing the other blocks still at his feet, wondering what the others got him as he finally enters his room.

iii

He's still bleeding.

Kaizo pants as he stares at the wound on his side. With a grunt, he lets his head thunk back on the tree behind him and tries to catch his breath, fairly content with being idle for the first time in two cycles. He knows Lahap enough to assume that the lieutenant has kept the data chip safe, so for now, he has only one problem.

He counts to ten before trying again.

"Xek'trs," Kaizo hisses, voice sharp in his mother tongue as he presses his activated sword against his side. It's one of the messier ways to deal with his injuries, but the wound has been bleeding enough to make him worried. He'll have to clean up better once they get out of the system.

It's after the fourth try that he finally manages to cauterize the cut successfully.

Damn Iaku and their traps, he thinks darkly, remembering how their target had worked with bounty hunters. It's not every day that they went to a mission with half the specs they needed, but this one happened to be more of a surprise than the captain was expecting.

Absentmindedly, he thinks how bad of a surprise it was.

He doesn't exactly remember the day.

iv.

There's a missed call, and from a direct line.

Kaizo narrows his eyes at the yellow triangle blinking on the screen. There are three options: either he's been found out, his planet is under attack, or it's a really important tip that he's been waiting for from the few contacts he has.

Whichever it is, he's going to have to call back.

Pulling up a few lines of code, Kaizo sets a frequency. The holographic display lights up a few moments later, and on it is -

"Aeron?"

From the screen, a guy visibly lights up as he signs a greeting. Kaizo offers a quick smile, before asking, "What's with the call?" He watches as the other signs, brows raising with the speed and every cut-off sentence as the man on the other line turns more sheepish.

"A," Kaizo interrupts after the fifth attempt is waved off, "As funny as this is, can you at least tell me if there's a problem?"

Aeron freezes mid-motion, before slowly signing, 'no.'

"Okay." Kaizo blinks. "Why'd you call, then?"

"He wanted to greet you, idiot."

Kaizo can't help the smirk that makes its way on his face at the reply. "Still ratting people out, greaser?" he asks, waving off Aeron's panic at Maya's sudden comment, "Same as always, I see." There's a snort, and Kaizo can practically hear the eyeroll in her reply.

"So are you. You would've forgotten your naming day if A hadn't called."

"Fair enough."

v.

"Captain?"

"Yes?"

"Do you... think we could visit home?"

Kaizo looks up to see Fang staring at the ground, hands fiddling with his gloves. It's a little amusing how nervous his brother still gets around him, though it's not surprising, with all that he's done. He's not exactly the best sibling in the world.

Although -

"I don't see why not," he says, tilting his head at how the other seems to perk up at that. "Something important?"

Fang blinks at his question, before looking away and mumbling, "Sort of."

Interesting.

-

If he's going to be honest, the last thing Kaizo expected Fang to be worried about was his naming day celebration.

Their parents had been surprised, to say at least, but so was he when Fang pressed to have the trip in a cycle. Kaizo watches as his brother talks animatedly with their parents, telling them about adventures he had with his friends.

It's... nice, seeing them again.

Though it's not something I can always afford, Kaizo thinks.

He stares at his soup as he takes another sip.

(+ i.)

So, the kids know when his naming day is.

But did they really have to do this? Kaizo thinks, three parts amused as he stares down at the pile of... presents outside his ship's control room. The other fourth of him is feeling an odd sense of déjà vu, but that's mostly ignored for the shocked look on his lieutenant's face.

"Lahap," he says, startling the other to attention, "You start the ship."

The lieutenant makes a face. "Captain?"

"I'll deal with it," he replies, crouching to pick up the a-little-too-bright bundle. Color-coded, he assumes, eyes automatically finding his brother's gift, as well as Boboiboy's. There are three green packages, though, so he assumes that the twins were in this, too.

Really, what is it with people and naming days.

a bunch of important notes (read: headcanons) for those who are confused:

- i have this headcanon that kaizo’s grandfather is a general??? idk, it sounded pretty cool, and kaizo had to get his military background from someone

- another headcanon: kaizo’s mask is an incomplete weapon, kind of like a prototype, so sometimes it messes with his brain and makes him forget things

- birthdays are called naming days in their planet (as features in another fic of mine).

- edit because i forgot ajjsjahs: Imus is one of their planet’s three major deities 

- when he’s not at home, kaizo stays in the garrison. his room is in the east wing.

- Latsyrk quadrants: a bunch of quadrants opposite from the one that has kaizo’s planet.

-  Xek'trs: made up curse word because i want kaizo and fang to speak alien languages!!! or something, just let them have a mother language, please.

- Iaku: another made up thing, but now an alien race. they’re known for hunting, hence the traps.

- maya and aeron are my ocs!!! read more about them here. 

- ps. i know very little about interstellar communication omg, im sorry sdjfhsdak

- the kids would totally give the captain gifts, if they found out about his birthday. they’d throw him a party, but they’re not close enough, and most of them can see that kaizo isn’t one for huge celebrations.

- gifts the kids probably gave: tea (from boboiboy, and yes, he asked fang to help), a cupcake (from yaya, bUT DON’T WORRY, THE OTHERS HELPED), a pin (from ying, and it definitely says ‘rebel’), a glass figurine (it’s kaizo’s sword, gopal didn’t know what to give but his friends kept bothering him, give him a break), new gloves (from fang, because kaizo actually goes through them pretty quickly), and alien tech (sai gave him the latest comm link in the market, and shielda gave him a holopad, also the latest in the market)

a/n: i feel very conflicted about this because i feel like i haven’t shown my view of kaizo as well as i wished??? but thats because too much of what i have are headcanons and i cant write well enough without making you guys confused??? anyway, this doesnt look like it fits the theme much either, but hear me out: the thing that makes it not-so-happy is that kaizo doesnt really care for his naming day. it - it would’ve made sense had i published my first entry for kaizo week, but then it would need more explaining and its 1 am and i need to sleep. bUT ANYWAY, i hope u guys at least enjoyed the fic skdjfhjksa

[shes-a-rebelll]

this might just be ~another~ manic mood swing but..

 i really hope it is the one that goes through. i’ve literally spent so much time wanting to fight against what my parents want for me and what society wants. i just have such a tendency to want to resist any authority or control over me. if someone tells me to do something; it is immediately the last thing i want to do. it’s just an immature emotional response probably stemming from mental illness. and that’s why i’ve been basically demonizing a higher education for the past two years..... because my parents and most of society tells me i will only be successful if i do it.... anyways.

our society is so harmful. the lifestyle that i worship is so harmful. every since i was as young as 11 or 12, an extremely toxic lifestyle was impressed into my brain. handed to me by my false idols.

this lifestyle is one shoved in the faces of many of us in our daily lives. on the cover of every magazine, in the glory of every rock show, in the stories of famous billionaires.

it’s this “rebel against everything and do it your way fuck school it’s all or nothing i’m going to be famous!” ideal. it’s so fucking stupid. but listen. i IDOLIZED people who this WORKED for. i met them. they’re very real.

they got lucky.

the reality they live in is not the reality ANY of us face or can relate to.

the music industry, businesses, corporations, fashion, film, are all well-oiled machines. they need stars, but only a limited amount. famous people are picked and chosen through a selective process. they are chosen for how pretty they are, they are chosen for how charismatic they are, they happen to be doing or writing something that is favorable to the general population. they are talented, but i’m telling you, for every famous person, there is absolutely HUNDREDS of people more talented than them simply milling around in society next to you.

famous people don’t tell you this, or they don’t know it. they will tell you to drop out of school and join a rock band, to never have a traditional job, they will say fuck college because it worked for THEM. because they got LUCKY.

well honey, it will not work for me. and it will not work for you.

i am forever thankful for billie joe armstrong with his guyliner, red tie and spiky black hair, commanding the stage and stealing my little preteen heart, and filling me with hope when i was young. i will always be thankful that i picked up a guitar because of him, that i started writing my first poems and songs because of green day. they led to me finding yet another wonderful outlet for expression and creation.

i am not grateful that they idealized becoming homeless, doing drugs, and leaving school for your art. because they are one of the hundreds of bands that played at gilman in the 90s. and what are many of those bands who played besides them doing now? i am sure plenty of those kids had equal amounts of passion, of drive, of dedication and want to be the starts green day are. they all didn’t get it. 

because hoping for that kind of future is simply not reality. and i am sick of living in delusion.

my entire childhood, i practiced so hard, i fought so hard, but it felt like i was fighting against a strong current. some good came out of this fight: a persistence to create, and a lot of practice on the instrument. but a lot of bad shit came out of it.

writer’s block for YEARS because i compared myself so savagely to ALL other writer’s and artists, because i “wasn’t good enough”. constantly worrying about “making it”, “getting lucky” and the odds. feeling like i was never practicing enough no matter how much i practiced because my idols said they practiced for 8 hours a day, why cant i do that why cant i do that how come i cant just focus and do that???? music never being able to take my full focus when in reality i am a well rounded person with so many interests and passions that included a passion for learning and academic skill.

and the whole time feeling so.... sad. sad that i wasn’t ever able to get in a band. 

but i was hopeful because i kept thinking that, well it will all come together magically at some point before i’m an adult!

and of course, it didn’t. haha, any young adult has gone through something similar like this at some point. reality’s tough, it’s true! i’m a pisces, i don’t spend enough time in it as it is...

well, these past few years have been my worst. it has been college dropouts, quitting jobs, suicide attempts, running away from home, ruining my credit, falling into deep debt, costing my family thousands of dollars that went to waste while they were trying to clean up after my mistakes and keep me from going homeless, developing drug dependency to try to cope with my worsening mental health (just making it 10x worse), and falling apart again and again and again. and hitting lower points than i ever have before, as in, FEELING more hopeless and suicidal than ever. these past few months have been particularly hard on me.

i couldn’t handle the fact that this wasn’t the future i fantasized about. as unrealistic as it was, i couldn’t handle the fact that i am an adult and still nowhere NEAR where i need to be if i wanted to make any sort of career as a musician. hitting dead end after dead end and nothing feeling right.

some of my closest friends are almost opposed to school, literally telling me it’s bad for me because it didn’t work out for them. well, i don’t believe it is too late for them to turn their lives around either, that is their decision to make. but i know i’m not giving into this bullshit anymore.

you’re not rebelling. you’re working for barely above minimum wage doing low skill work that numbs your skull. you hate it, you talk about hating it constantly. a ton of people live this way. i’ve never been able to live like this. i thought my ‘way out’ of it was trying to be a famous rockstar. even if nothing came from this fantasy, it didn’t stop it from being at the front of my mind at all times.

i have let go of it at many different points, in different ways. the thing is i have bpd which gives me intense mood swings that alter my entire life views and personality almost on a day to day basis.... as i write this i am literally worried that i will feel completely different tomorrow, because once again i feel this decision would be right for me. but i am letting go. i am letting go of these people i idolize, of this life i idolize. maybe it helped me in my teenage years but it is nothing but harmful to me now.

i want to create because i love to create. i want to write because i love to write. not for fame or fortune or even recognition. no worrying about where it will get me and if i’m good enough. just creating for the love of creating.

i recently was thrown into a depressive episode because i forgot to register for classes on time and couldn’t take the two community college classes i wanted to take. i just gave up instantly. i’m not giving up. i fucking want this. i’m calling, i’m emailing, i’m going in and even speaking to them if i have to. i am pursuing an education in recording arts and i am so excited and it might become something more and god damnit i actually like this and i’m going to do it!!!

i have also been needing therapy so badly these past few months but NEVER wanting to put an effort into actually getting one for myself. i literally had my mom call some for me but they didn’t even call back. it is very hard to find a good therapist and i have had many that haven’t helped me at all, but two who have been very helpful to me. my best friend told me about dbt therapy for bpd (which she has also) and her therapist was able to find one for me that’s covered by my insurance!! the important thing is that i actually CALLED THE OFFICE and SENT PAPERWORK. with my level of motivation, it’s like..., a huge accomplishment!!

so idk. i just hope i’m moving in the right track now. i have felt completely empty and devoid of life for so long, with no purpose or direction. and i feel like i am finally doing the Healthy Thing and i really hope to break out of my unhealthy habits soon!

i also plan on leaving tumblr in 2019 to better my mental health. as i talked about my problems with idolization (aka obsession, something i legitimately SUFFER WITH through mental illness, seriously guys stop normalizing intense obsession it actually has many harmful effects), it’s best for me to leave a website where i do nothing but reblog pictures of band members i idealize from like 10 years ago. on this site i am orbiting around people who don’t know about my existence or give a single shit about me... and that’s just plain insanity. that, my friends, is why most adults leave fandom at some point. maybe it’s not harmful for everyone, but this behavior is sure as HELL harmful to me. i want to focus on my life and the people in it. i want to focus on reality.

probably no one read this but yeah i really had to go off