#which is funny because I am also frequently incredibly loud and shrill

[pavelkaramazov]

I am suddenly noticing that my voice is deeper and raspier since I started smoking cigs and carts like it’s suddenly affecting my voice. Like HOW am I supposed to ever quit now I have never sounded hotter

[echthr0s]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2019 | xv. + xvi.

Free day! Write about any topic you want!

isn’t it wild how immediately and with such grace Mulder and Scully fit into each other’s lives from even the pilot episode? man. what a show

Talk about sensory issues that you have. It could be touch, sound, etc.

Funny you should mention those, because one of the multiple people in this complex who like to blare bass-heavy music from their vehicle (or, in some cases, apartment) just started up again and I am having homicidal ideations. (ETA: Since homicide is frowned upon, I just had a minor meltdown instead. You know, as one does.)

I have never known the extent of my sensory issues until the past few years, because when I was young I was completely unaware of myself and for most of my adult life so far I’d lived as a homeless person in a metropolis (so I was just in a constant state of heightened anxiety, really, although I wasn’t aware of it). Having a stable living situation and a relatively quiet environment has taken the major stressors away, which has simply revealed the other stressors. Now things like... neighbours and their bass-heavy music... are intolerable, whereas I used to have to deal with loud noises constantly. 

I don’t know what that means, really. But if I’m going to be fair to myself, I truly think it means that I would have developed a lot of health problems (like heart problems, particularly) if I’d remained in NYC -- and that’s the best-case scenario. We’re not even counting my coping method of frequent drug use or my propensity towards suicidal ideation here. One can feel like they’ve adjusted to a high-stress environment because their body learns to anaesthetise itself, but the stress is still taking its toll day after day.

Anyway, most of my daily sensory issues come from sound -- anything from sharp shrill sirens to a person chewing. Unfortunately, the world is literally full of sound, so this is a constant problem. Bright lights are less of a stressor but still one (ironic, since I love the fucking Sun so much), and if combined with sound overload it can get real bad real quick. Same thing with bad smells. Also, there are things that I would jump off a cliff to avoid touching -- which makes cleaning a real awful proposition. I prefer cleaning “dry” rooms (living room, bedroom); I’ll do a kitchen if I really have to but it’ll probably be a bad time and don’t expect anything else out of me that day. Bathrooms are a no-go. (I could see how that might change if I had a specific kind of bathroom layout with specific kinds of fixtures and surfaces... but now we’re talking $$$$$, so.)

I think part of this might be trauma-- I’ve lived in a lot of fucked-up housing situations, either in the sense that I was made to clean really gross things as a punishment, or because the dwelling/shelter was incredibly disgusting. I had to push through then, but I guess it’s coming out now as extreme anxiety and aversion, making my life a lot more difficult. Ain’t that a bitch, huh.