#which is fine cause I'm existing now and ppl can be annoyed at me

[queer-advice-hotline]

Hi! Not rlly used to talking about this type of stuff - but I figured I should maybe see if anyone had ever been in a similar situation or anything.

long story btw...

TW for mentions of homophobia ig

Okay so, for many years I was under the impression that my mother was actually completely and utterly fine with the queer community and I found out not that long ago that that was apparently not true.

For some background info to how I thought that ig - my mum often worked for very long hours and I adored all the time I could spend with her when she wasn't working. To me she was a role model and due to most likely being 'too young' I didn't get to hear a lot of her opinions about certain things (such as the queer community, but also other things) and built up an image of my mother in my mind who would always support me and constantly told myself how lucky I was bc there were so many ppl out there who didn't have the same fortune and probably never felt like they could connect with their mothers.

I however found out when I was in my first yr of highschool (yr 7 where i am) that she actually wasn't as open minded as I'd hoped.

I started hearing her talk about how she didn't believe a trans man could ever be a man/how a trans woman could never be a woman. Making comments on how ppl who were nonbinary didn't make sense/couldn't exist and how they/them pronouns were dumb and how anyone who didn't identify with either gay, straight or bi was weird. She also made comments about how she was willing to use a trans person's pronouns in front of them if they made sense (she/her or he/him only) and didn't bother when they weren't around bc she thought it didn't matter.

She also was always talking about how she didn't want people talking about this stuff all the time and how she was so annoyed by ppl constantly making children's media queer - to a point where last year she started feeling like there was a possibility that I was being exposed to too much queer media (I was trying to borrow books that had queer characters cause I grew up not all that knowing of the Lgbtqai community) and started banning me from buying/borrowing books that she thought were 'too gay' or 'too queer' and not even letting me touch the ones with trans characters - which was odd bc we'd watched movies with queer ppl in it before and she'd been fine with it! (mostly with them as background characters or not the MC e.g. Mitch and Cam + their friends in Modern Family). She then started going through my books I borrowed to make sure they weren't queer.

She seemed okay with other people being bi or gay irl but when she talked to me she often said things like 'you can be anything u want except gay or trans' and 'no bringing home a boy until ur 18 and no bringing home any girlfriends every - and nothing other either (derogative)' as well as often talking about how she wants to find me a church boy with similar ideals to my family's ones.

This has been rlly upsetting - I figured out I was aro early on, however with my mother's reactions I fear she would most likely invalidate me/try and get me a bf anyway. Also I realised that I wasn't cis (nonbinary or agender) and now I'm scared that if I ever transition too much (bc I want to get a binder and possibly one day have top surgery and I want to get masc haircuts and all that) or actually start going by a diff name in public + diff pronouns that she might just through me out or send me back to my home country to 'set me straight' bc where I'm from being queer is not common (even though we have managed to make gay marriage legal).

This is also bad not just bc of me but bc I have friends who r queer who have been huge helps and I always wanted them to feel safe around me and my family however now I'm scared to ever so much as introduce some of them to my parents in fear of them being misgendered/disrespected or her banning me from seeing them.

I always hear ppl talking about cutting off their families or learning to live without them when they're older but I'm the eldest and expected to look after my parents when they get older. Not to mention - I have a brother who is 13 yrs younger then me and though sometimes I feel as if I don't quite feel the emotional connection I should (won't be getting into that) I also don't want him to grow up without some sort of other older guidance as I feel like he is very different to me and also when I was younger my parents worked a lot with allowed me to have more perspective on the world other then theirs were-as my brother will most likely have their opinions shoved down his throat and I can't stand the thought of him growing up to be some weird 'alpha-male' type who pushes down his feelings, is homophobic/transphobic and decides that he doesn't like anyone different. This would mean that I most likely wouldn't be able to leave him until he was around 18 too and I have so much family that I genuinely don't think that I'd be able to leave them all behind + I don't want to have to be scared to enjoy my own culture (bc I am from a small island and my family has a lot of ties + is rlly big and I wouldn't be able to go far without someone mentioning my father, mother, cousins, or grandparents).

I genuinely habe no idea what to do or if there is a solution to my problems or if i'd have to one day simply come out and be prepared for my family to hate me or if i'd just have to keep a huge part of me secret until I died but I thought it'd be better to share then to bottle all this up

I seems like a pretty complicated situation, so knowing what exactly to do is tricky.

I definitely don't think you should come out to your family now. The chances of you being disowned, thrown out, or something else seems pretty high. If you decide you want to come out, I think waiting until you are living on your own or at least are independent from your family is the best and safest option.

Anyone with other advice feel free to share.

[nerdy-talks]

Satan’s daughter would def be angry and pouty just like her papa lol fictional kids are best but can I ask why you don’t want your own kids tho?? asking cause I hate when ppl act like its a requirement to have them when its not

You can ask whatever you'd like, anon! No question is forbidden here (:

I believe having kids is completely up to each individual person. Some people want kids, others absolutely don't. And both choices are perfectly valid and okay, in my opinion.

So I agree with you, anon. I think it's terrible for others to try and push their choices/opinions onto others, or for people to pressure others into doing something they don't want to do.

As for me... I think the more interesting question is why can't I have kids instead of why don't I want kids lol (feel free to ask if you wanna know, I don't mind sharing!)

But to answer your question : Different health issues run in my family (cancer, heart problems, etc), so I never wanted to take the chance and potentially pass any of that onto my offspring. I also never wanted to be responsible for bringing an innocent child into this cruel world.

Thankfully, I don't have to worry about any of that now. But even if I did decide in the future that I would like kids (which I never will lol), I would prefer to either take in foster kids or adopt a child who is in need of a safe, nurturing, loving home.

In regards to Papa Satan :

I like to imagine Satan's children taking after him, in the sense that they would actively annoy Lucifer.

He's listening to his records? Not anymore, because they're screaming their heads off and banging their rattles against his bedroom door.

He's trying to enjoy a cup of tea? Think again, because Satan's son just threw a toy directly at said cup, leaving a mess for Lucifer to deal with.

Satan's daughter was crawling somewhere she shouldn't have been and Lucifer picked her up to stop her? That's fine, she'll simply retaliate by pulling his hair and spitting up all over him.

The pieces of paper the children are currently playing with and chewing on? Don't worry, it's just Lucifer's paperwork.

I'm sure Satan would be the proudest father to ever exist lol

~ and I can imagine it now ~

The Kids : *squirting milk from their bottles into Lucifer's shoes*

Satan to MC : Let's have another

Lucifer : No. Absolutely not. Anything but that. ...Please don't...

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

answered ask under the cut, but spoilers for (idk a pla fic series that they didn't name and i've never seen), and also me being kind of a bitch. you are warned.

[ Anonymous: That is... really weird that you said that, because that fic series I mentioned *does* have two heroes, as learned by the mc via Vessa, who came after them, but it was still widely known at that point that there had been two. You've said you don't read much pla fic, so I'm pretty sure you've never read the series, which makes that a strange coincidence!

Spoilers for it, since you've said you don't mind those but for anyone who does, but Vessa says that likely the reason for there only being one hero in recent tellings, some 1000 years after the fact, was because the second hero became something of a "villain" afterward. Only she did it to send the other one, who was a faller, home. Arceus had kind of broken the world (on accident, it's implied), and when confronted by the two heroes and the ten soon-to-be nobles, it fixed things and left. But the faller hero had no way back to their own time and place, so the other hero purposefully broke things again. Not as bad as before, but it was still bad. That rift that they opened seems to have caused a bunch of other, much smaller rifts to open and close all over the place, similar to the distortion bubbles but not nearly as dramatic, which people seeking power took advantage of, once they learned they could, seeing as the second hero had done it. Which basically tore things apart and caused everyone to have to flee. Which is why the only things left of it are ruins and the two temples, and the only people are two small settlements with no apparent agriculture. Everyone else died or fled, and people only started coming back to their homeland not like recently-recently, but historically recently. The author goes kind of based on stuff from those Old Verse poems, and the small bits that Vessa gives you, as well as some other things I think, to help with their world building. ]

uh huh yeah the old verses. those things i definitely both know and care about and treat as canon and which are definitely not the most egregious example of me throwing pieces of pla canon into the trash. yep.

i'm ngl this is the main reason i don't like ppl going "oh hey that fic pitch/piece of analysis you just posted was already done somewhere else" cause it's like. well now i can't use this myself without feeling like i'm stealing, or like ppl are gonna assume i'm doing that. especially annoying when it's a bit of analysis/canon extrapolation that i don't even think is hard to come up with in isolation, cause it's not even that other person's Proprietary Idea, that's like original to them, they just happen to be the first/most well known/the one known by the specific person talking to me. like i'm sure this other fic is great and all but like i said in that post, i feel like "two heroes" is just something that's arguably implied, albeit maybe unintentionally, by the existence of more nobles than can fit in a pokemon team, specifically ten, and the ongoing diamond/pearl parallelism.

like i don't think any of my ideas are particularly unique or special, if anything my only distinction is being early to the jump (gestures vaguely at dr analysis), i just would prefer to keep them Mine when i write about them. yanno. it's not like i'm gonna get fined for plagiarism now or anything it's just like, annoying to me. idk the fic sounds fine i guess, i've never read it, and probably will never read it bc it sounds fairly convoluted and like it does too much justification legwork for my tastes, but now i have to have the plot of it hanging over me if i ever write two heroes/ongoing space-time distortion/vessa involvement/etc. the last bit being especially annoying bc i'm literally doing that right now and now it doesn't feel like Mine anymore, because someone else told me about it.

idk i'm just complaining at you i guess, sorry. this just frustrates me is all. i should probably put a disclaimer or warning somewhere but it's not like people read blog descriptions, or even the description of the askbox anymore, since the new blog viewer lets you bypass that now. ugh.

[ghostboyjules]

a new thing I've been doing mentally, and deciding to label it as "learning to tolerate myself even a little bit" has been allowing myself to post dumb shit and just. leave it up.

like I'll post something, whether on snapchat as a private story, or in the tags here, or a reblog, and a bit later I'll look at it and be like "god this is so embarrassing delete it delete it delete it". and in the past I absolutely would have. hell, in the past I would have drafted it, read it until I hated it (& myself just a bit more), and then deleted it. wouldn't ever see the light of day.

now though? here recently, I've been posting things that are personal. things I like, or how my mental health is doing, or what I'm thinking generally. I post it. like I make it that far - there's a step. and I let it be. there's another step. everytime I happen to glance back at it on snapchat or I see someone in the notes reblogging the post I spilled my guts in the tags to, and my brain starts screaming and lighting things on fire and breaking shit trying to get me to delete it-

I've started telling myself "no. leave it up. let them see. let you see. you felt this. you're 24, this isn't even embarrassing. you are existing in a space you created for yourself. not making a fool of yourself by 'being cringe' or whatever the fuck has been ingrained in your brain. it's fine to exist."

and I could go into why or how i came to be this way (the stuffing myself down into easily manageable, quiet, unopinionated shapes of a person pretending to be a girl) , but I feel like, to some, it's obvious. to a few others, you probably know exactly what I mean and can probably guess.

but I just wanted to share this cause I'm kinda proud of myself? for what feels like maybe the first time (lol), and to just say to anyone who sees this: It's Fine to exist. Maybe even Nice sometimes, but it's definitely fine. take up space, be loud, even. I'm 24 and I wanna talk abt my favorite show, and I wanna rant abt my job, and I want to post emo song lyrics for my 5 close friends to look at and know I'm being sad about, like the drama queen inner me wants to be. and that's fine.

I'm existing, and that's fine.