#which fucked me up bc she wanted to recover and I'm so used to my stubbornly addicted father

[sameschmidtdiffname]

Peeta as the smallest of 3 brothers definitely had to resort to dirty plays like biting in his youth.

First off, you're right and you should say it. Second off, Peeta being the youngest is 1000% a dynamic in his relationship with Katniss once they start to recover.

No bc listen. I was the youngest of three siblings and while we never got into physical fights I learned QUICK how to use my mouth to win what battles couldn't be fought physically because my siblings would 100% go to jail for trying to rock a 3 y/os shit. So Peeta was running his mouth religiously around the household. Can't tell me otherwise. "If it weren't for the baby??" Girl, he was biting AND flappin his lips. 100% would get pinned to the ground by his brothers and be like "wow I feel bad for your girlfriend" before getting his shit rocked. He'll offer them tips inbetween punches. "Aim for the throat. Wow, you're still pathetic."

Second, Katniss is the eldest, Peeta is the youngest in their families. Once they're more secure in their relationship, Peeta is 100% causing fun! problems 24/7. She's stressed the fuck out she's gonna come home one day from hunting again and half the house is repainted with all of the furniture just shoved into one big pile away from the drying walls like "WHY DID YOU DO THIS??" "bored :))" because he's so dangerously intelligent, I'm thoroughly convinced he's a practical fucking moron. He probably had to create his own entertainment as a child, he's used to being ignored. If he gets an idea to rearrange the furniture, he just does it. Katniss and Haymitch both have to intervene with how much this happens because Katniss complained about it to Effie once, and Effie started rambling about this thing called "feng-shui," and now Peeta is completely obsessed and will spend several hours to the point of obsession planning with Effie not just his decor, but literally fucking everyones, and Katniss tried to warn Haymitch "Hey, we need to fucking stop this," and Haymitch just said "get out of my house." But now Haymitch is too sober to deal with the constantly changing furniture, and why is this idiot painting his ceiling, and can you please pick up a hobby that doesn't involve majorly changing the layout of our houses? Peeta says no. Katniss instead comes home to Peeta having several geese chasing him at Haymitchs training. He's been waiting for an excuse to reveal this.

She stops feeling bad for needing his constant comfort once he starts biting her out of boredom. Oh, come on. You can see it. He would absolutely look at her arm one night and go "you look nice :))" before taking a giant fucking bite that makes her question every decision she made from age 16-18. There's a solid minute where they just sit in their bed at a standstill. She's holding her book in shock, he's just frozen still biting her. She says "What the fuck" he says "nostalgia :))" to which she's further confused and slightly terrified. She learns how to duck. He learns how to lure her in easier. Post-canon angst + comfort is cute, give me chaotic Peeta torturing his wife who just wants five minutes of peace but secretly adores her dangerously clever idiot of a husband

Imagine when they have kids. That woman is gonna go from "peetas baby!" To "your child."

He likes tossing the motherfuckers in the air. He's the kinda dad who will take off RUNNING with the shopping cart, shove the thing as far away as he can and just wave "bye bye! :))" to the baby inside of the cart that's laughing wildly while Katniss is just chasing this fucking thing down through the store like it's the quarter quell all over again and everyone else is just watching like "Jesus Christ he's doing it again." It gets worse when Peeta collaborates his children with the attacking geese to use against Haymitch when he tries to prevent him from repainting his ceiling again.

[oh-no-its-bird]

I FUCKING FORGOT THE NEW ALIEN STAGE CAME OUT TODAY OH GOD OH FUCK I SAW IT COME UP IN RECCOMENDED AND HAD A FULL BODY REACTION TO IT PLEASEPLEAS PELSAE GO WATCH IT IM GOING TO FUCKING CRY IM GOING TO FUCKING THROW UP IM GONNA .

it was so fucking beautiful actually. I did not expect the bright spots of it, though maybe I should have. Vivinos has always been such a master of balancing fluff in a way that makes it hurt. And then the end . just. fuck. fuck. Oh my god. Fuck.

Spoilers below the cut, I am feeling many things and thinking many thoughts, so let's dissect this together:

I was so entranced by the beautiful visuals I straight up forgot to put captions on to get the lyrics for my first watch. But when it opened to Luka smiling so fucking genuinely, I almost gasped

The way he smiles when he first sees her is CRAZY, I am obsessed with it. Only pausing when a literal gun is held to his head, and even then, not for long

And then he grows so much more almost sweet and fond when she so blatantly ignores him. I felt like he was saying, "yeah, that's my Hyuna."

So like. Super strong opening to us seeing Luka killing off what I've seen others claim are his clones, presumably to make sure he can't be easily killed and replaced

I especially like this post by @kitespark talking about this bit and how Luka may have then ended up killing Hyuna's brother bc they looked so similar, and he assumed they were clones

LUKA'S HANDS !!! AS A KID !!! DID NOT HAVE PURPLE FINGERTIPS!!! We also see his hands when he's older, and he also does not have purple fingertips then! Does this mean he got them later in life, after so many experiments? That's what I'm not placing my bets on

The music itself was. Beautiful. As always, obviously, but especially so.

The slow, gentle singing that can be seen as both darkly comforting or sweetly assuring, the almost bell like chimes in the background, I loved it.

When it first shifted to Luka's voice, singing as Hyuna lay on the ground, I just about screamed. Their voices sound so pretty next to each other, I really like hearing them in contrast

Getting to see all these frames of Hyuna just surrounded by people in the resistance was so nice, actually.

I thought it was so well done, how we get to see her gradually get happier, recovering from her past.

Starting with a scene of her alone, drinking, before someone steps in (presumably to bring her comfort in company) before we start to see clips of her, each one with her a little bit happier, and each one with the lighting just a bit brighter, till we finally see her give a fully animated smile, even as we can see the silhouettes of those in the garden inside of her

She learned to smile !! Even through her grief!! She smiled even though she still kept them in her mind and heart!!!

AND THEN LUKA?? HAVING A (WANTED(?)) POSTER??? OF HYUNA ?? IN HIS ROOM??? AND HIM GIVING IT THE WORLDS JERKIEST MOST AWKWARD LITTLE KISS AFTER STARING AT IT FOR AN AWKWARD AMOUNT OF TIME, OH MY HEART !!!

The kiss is so sudden and jerky and awkward and it kind of looks like it hurt, honestly. Like, at first I wondered if it even was a kiss, but idk what else it would even be. Luka misses his girlfriend yall

There's actually so much to dissect of these short frames, tbh. Is this his room, where he is kept on a concerning amount of medical equipment, or is it just a hospital room he's been in long enough to be allowed to put things up on the wall?

And then we get to just. The happiness of the video. Which, by the way, kicked me in the fucking gut and stole all my lunch money. Like, holy shit you guys, what the actual fuck.

There's so much happening here, but in general I've seen two camps:

a) we are seeing glimpses of the actor au, where they are getting ready and into their roles and having silly fluffy fun times

and b, which is what I originally thought) We are seeing them getting ready for their death matches. Preparing costumes for the stage, hoping for the best. And just the lighter times they've gotten to spend together, in the garden

I'd like to believe it's both, tbh. That at first, we're seeing the lighter times they've spent together, getting their costumes ready, singing, running through grass, being kids while they still can.

A few flashes of other people too, in terrible situations but still smiling, showing that there is still joy to be found in this world

And then, a flash of violence-- Mizi, her face splashed with Sua's blood, and the music takes on this crescendo as it shows us this beautiful what if.

Some of the flashes are definitely some sort of modern au, a true what if.

Sua in a school uniform, giggling with a friend on the way to class, Till in art class, Hyunwoo and someone who's presumably his friend riding bikes through a glowing forest, Mizi laughing as she works on something, Hyuna and Luka dancing together on some sort of date (WITH WEDDING RINGS ON !!! WEDDING !! RINGS !!), a phone taking a photo of food better than anything the alien stage contestants have ever gotten to eat before (especially in contrast to the quiet lunch scene only a few images before, which may have been there to contrast it)

Other portions I read as more mis-remembered, 'if only the garden could have been brighter' moments (particularly the one of them cleaning that one aliens teeth, which we saw Till and Mizi terrified of in round 3) but otherwise I think can be seen as just more beautiful moments.

Running around, playing, having fun, laughing

At some point, towards the middle, I had an abstract thought that it was appropriate, to be posted on valentines day. For all that parts of it felt like a love letter to life. Seeing them all so happy, not only with each other but just being. Doing things they loved, being happy, living

I stg, I started tearing up. I love how well animated and bright this section was, you can tell they really said "guys we have to make this shit COUNT" and spared no expense. Everyone say thank you vivinos and qmeng !!

And then, of course, we hard cut back to reality. A quick glimpse of some remembered Luka angst, and we are on stage with Mizi again. Our last glimpse of happiness being Sua's smile.

What the fuck !!!

Ok so just. Everything about the next bit is so good to me.

Luka having eyes for literally nothing and no one other than Hyuna, even as a gun is literally held to his head.

The cutting back and forth between him stumbling blindly her way as an adult and as a child was so good. He has never had eyes for anyone other than her, and it shows

The way Hyuna runs for him, knowing whats about to happen even as Luka remains blind to everything but her, the way she spins him around to take the shot for him in a hug, which, BY THE WAY, THE FACT THAT LUKA WAS REACHING OUT FOR A HUG. MAKES ME INSANE.

LOOK AT HIM !!!! HE WAS REACHING OUT TO HER !!! HE WAS GOING FOR A HUG !!!! HE SAW HER AND RAN AND LITERALLY THREW HIMSELF INTO HER ARMS HE MISSED HER SO MUCH I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS ACTUALLY !!!!

Also its funny that it was the resistance guy who took the shot, I understand his thought process (Luka probably looked like he was going for his boss lmao) but then he ended up fucking shooting Hyuna instead.

I have to wonder if we'll get to see this guys reaction in the next video, I kind of hope we do. I feel like there's a small chance we might, in some like, corner of the screen we see Dewey grabbing him by his collar to shake him angrily or smthn

It's a small thing also, but I like how we also get to see the guy next to Hyuna react to Luka's blatant idiocy. Like, yeah he's being an idiot, and yeah people are around to see it. Idk, it's small but it just makes it all feel more real to me

^ this guy is all of us watching at home as Luka ignores the gun aimed at his head and runs for hyuna lmao

Also, Luka's hands are now colored in as purple when he's a child here, so that may have just been a coloring error earlier. So throw out what I said about his hands not being purple when he was young into the bin, oops!

So then we're back to seeing more flashes of life, and what we are given is Hyuna's grief, and Hyuna's fear.

A man, presumably some resistance member, dying as they cry and watch him pass. And then Hyuna, in the hospital.

The focus on her leg, and then the abrupt cut to what I think must be the moment that she lost it, then again a cut to the round of alien stage she lost (where she was supposed to have died) and another cut to her crying, scared, makes me think we're seeing a sort of rewind of her joining the resistance

Did she lose her leg in her escape from alien stage maybe? Either way, I like this shift from like, we've seen all these good memories of life, and now we're back to the bleak. Hyuna learned to smile, got to heal, but there were still so many dark moments too

Also: I don't know who this guy is, but he's cute and I want him carnally.

AND THEN JUST THE SHIFT FROM CUTE HYUNA AND LUKA TO HER FUCKING BLEEDING OUT IN HIS FUCKING ARMSMSSSSSS IM GONNA BE FUCKING SICK WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And also Luka's fingers are back to being not purple, so was it a miscolor, or...?

And then. Hyuna's speech. This is one of the very few times we get to hear an alien stage character just,, talk. Off the top of my head, the only time I can remember us getting that is My Clematis, the very first round of alien stage. And that talk was half exposition.

It's so well done, and just. Ag. Ah. A.

I dont even have the words tbh!!!

"I resented you so. I had to keep moving forward in every moment... But you were always my one and only weakness. (choking up) That's why I resented you so. Luka, live with love. Embrace the pain, the frailty, and live and the moments so unbearably shameful. Forgive yourself... Again and again, endlessly. because everything... begins from there.

I DONT EVEN KNOW MAN !!! WHAT THE FUCK !!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK !!!!

Hyuna admitting that even as she's always resented Luka, he has always been and always remained her weakness, and that is why she continued to resent him so much

Hyuna urging Luka to love. To forgive himself. To feel.

Luka, who we've always seen as untouchable, a man who knows how to play this game-- who has won it before and now plays with his opponents in order to win it again. Just, him tearing up. His mask cracking in the face of Hyuna's words, of her blood on her face (on his hands)

THE FACT THAT IT IS LITERALLY LUKA'S FAULT SHE'S THERE!!!! THAT SHE'S NOW DYING !!!!

Luka has always been blind to everything but Hyuna, and going with some interpretations of how we've seen him do dumb shit just to see Hyuna's face before (specifically when we saw him injure (potentially kill(??)) Hyuna's little brother, then smile up at Hyuna like he was just waiting for her reaction) it is. So fitting that this is how it ends

With Luka, once again blind to everything but the girl who can make him feel something, managing to kill that girl in his blindness

Fucking rip!!

I AM HUFFING COPIUM LIKE ITS PAINT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HYUNA IS DEAD PLEASEEEE !! YEHA OK SURE HER LIGHT WENT OUT BUT WE WERENT SHOWN THE BODY IT DOESNT COUNT OK IT DOESNT COUNT SHUT THE FUCK UP

AND MEANWHILE MIZI DIDNT EVEN SEE HYUNA GET SHOT BECAUSE SHE'S STILL SOBBING OVER TILL'S CORPSE IN HER ARMS, FUCK

Anyways. Final thoughts.

This alien stage was. Wonderful. Beautiful. It may be my new favorite.

Every second of it was so well done, and I need to applause Vivinos for once again showing off that she knows how to make all of us cry by drawing her characters happy.

What the fuck, man!!

Anyways, I watched most of this without subtitles (and when I did watch with titles, I kept getting distracted by the pretty visuals and couldn't focus) So, I possibly misread/misunderstood a thing or two.

I'm gonna go watch it like 10 more times with subtitles on this time, then maybe realize smthn and feel regret, but, whatever

Go watch alien stage.

[revelations-persona]

fucked up my hand in the middle of sewing so i won't be able to make progress in a while :') but while i'm here i might as well show what i got done so far. made everything but the tie :3

long ramblings about the process so far below

started working on all this for a bit over month. been alternating between maya and jun's outfits but ultimately switched focus to maya because her stuff was more complex.

this post is mostly about maya but here's the only interesting part of jun's stuff rn

i don't like the stitching on the roman numeral either but who will look. my eyes are Up Here. might paint over the thread so it doesn't stick out as much but who knows. also kind of off topic, it threw me off so bad that jun is a third year but in official art he's always shown with the two on his collar?? had to do some digging to make sure i wasn't crazy for thinking he was a senior.

the rest of his jacket is currently like a very basic looking cardigan with raw edges everywhere, nothing worth showing off rn. i think i'll continue working on it now that i can only work one-handed for the time being since the machine does most of the heavy lifting. as for the pants, i thrifted a pair several months ago. it's actually the reason i wanted to cosplay him lol, the pants were just the perfect color.

side note, my machine is Mischievous and simply refuses to sew down several layers at a time, or even just my beige fabric for some reason. so everything beige is sewn entirely by hand. maybe that's why i got carpal tunnel lol

here's what the sleeves look like on both sides and also on the inside

tbh i never realized it until i looked at her design more closely but she has like these little squares on half of her sleeves, so i tried to recreate that. it's basically just two rectangles sewn together but one of the rectangles is made up of other, smaller rectangles. nothing crazy. however, sewing the trim and elastic to it suckedddd. generally to sew elastic or stretchy fabric, you have to use a zigzag stitch (which looks exactly as you'd imagine). the easiest way to do that is by machine, except i couldn't because of the problems i just described and also the opening is too small for me to properly put it under the machine anyway. i never want to do a zigzag stitch by hand ever again. especially not with having to push through like six layers of fabric like no ty </3

now the corset

side by side of how a half of it looks on the outside vs the inside. both cups on the inside are labeled left and right respectively, in case i forget which boob goes where. currently the trim is just pinned on until i recover and can properly sew it down. i'll also have to figure out how to get the two zippers and the little rectangle that goes at the bottom on it too. the zippers for sure i'll have to cut down bc they're too long (they were the smallest ones the store had :/)

i found a pattern for it and it was easy enough to follow, just took longer than i wanted it to because i had to do it by hand. i also modified the pattern a bit to have it zip up at the front bc by default it closes at the back. had to adjust it twice so it would stop slipping off from being loose (size chart was weird). that little triangle was the result of me trying to ease the transition from the cups to the back of the corset after making the adjustments. it's not very noticeable when i have it on bc that's where my arms rest lol.

you might also be looking at the weird looking foam like why's it look like that. and you're right!

this is leftover from when foam was installed in the ceiling by the landlord to reduce noise from upstairs neighbors! like ten years ago! and she just left it here!! there's a lot more of it not pictured, that's just the amount i used. so kind. had to cut the triangles off and trim some of the thickness off, but thanks to her, i'm gonna have the quietest boobs at the con :)

and the hearts

they're right here :3 i still haven't attached them yet.

the trim is just black fabric cut into 5cm by 1.5m strips attached to other strips to make a super long strip i fold into 2cm pleats and cut as i go to fit the things i need to put it on. the stitching looks messy bc i have to in several times on the machine and only sometimes does my machine want to sew down more than two layers. i bought a yard of the black but i might unfortunately need more? i will cross that bridge when i get there.

the brown zip up undershirt thing i just modified an existing pattern i found online so that the sleeves were longer, it zips instead of buttoning up, and making it cropped. the collar is just that comically large so i suggest adjusting that if you also plan on using this pattern and don't like the collar size.

the skirt is a simple a-line skirt made a few inches wider so after sewing it and it's properly shaped like a skirt, i can go over and fold two sides together for that pleat in the middle of the skirt. i went in by hand to sew the inside of the folds to the fabric behind them so that the pleat stays in place. then i cut a strip of elastic to a few inches less than my waist measurement, sewed the ends down to form a circle, folded the top of the skirt over it twice, and then sewed it down and boom waistband. looks kinda weird all bunched up when it's not being worn, but i didn't really care about making it too pretty. you only really see the bottom part of it lol

i also made legwarmers to wear with the outfit because i refuse to spend money on shoes i will never wear outside of cosplay. they're literally just tubes made of a singular rectangle each with elastic on one of the ends, easiest thing ever. i think those boots fit well enough with the overall vibe so i'll wear them with the outfit.

the beige skirt thing she has i cut out already but really didn't do anything with yet so i have nothing to show for it rn lol

oh also. the brown, black, pink, and teal fabrics are broadcloth, the beige is peachskin, and the white fabric and little things on the front of jun's collar are gabardine (leftover from lisa and elly's uniforms).

if anyone has any questions i'd be down to answer them :3

[vacantgodling]

17 for the ask game!!

THANK YOU <3<3

-> Send me a number 1-100 and I will tell you how that song relates to a character or WIP of mine.

17. マトリョシカ — hachi

LMAO idk if anyone is gonna remember this wip bc i talked about it so randomly and so briefly awhile back but these (and most vocaloid songs in general that are my faves which is a lot of stuff by hachi lol) make me think of my wip broken clouds. its similar to train master chidori in the sense that it's should be a webcomic or a web novel type of thing but gl getting me to draw that much--i will one day prommy.

anyway the very basic premise is this:

utah (he/they) and his younger sibling slug (they/them) have been living with their mother's elder sister, risky game (aka aunty(ie) risk) since they were small, ever since their mother disappeared without a trace and the siblings were found malnourished. risk barely takes care of them, preferring to drink and gamble and leave them to their own devices leading each kiddo down their own path. utah, the elder and more tempermental of the two, lashes out but also is practically a genius when it comes to engineering and weaponry. after meeting his other half, gator (he/she/they), he turns to building and reassembling weapons from the parts remnant of 'the great cloud war' (idk what it was ask me or don't i'll pull shit out of my ass SDBK) to make money and eventually decides when they turn adult age to say fuck it, i'm gonna go find my mom bc this shit blows. origninally it was only supposed to be utah and gator striking out on their own to find out what happened, but slug ends up tagging along bc they want to know too + adventure + they have abandonment issues after the mom thing and risk ends up getting dragged with them because like hell does she trust them to not get themselves blown up (but also in part because she feels guilt; she knows that she wasn't the best parental figure to either of them, but she was so shaken over her sister's disappearance that she took her guilt and anguish out by not being there for the kids its a whole thing). and utah isn't happy about this but they are Barely convinced to let slug and risk come with bc as gator says "family bonding, what can go wrong!"

a Lot. cough.

tl;dr government conspiracy shit, suicide bots + one that's gained sentience but technically still has an active kill switch (green), a government sleeper agent with amnesia (agent oogma -- her code name literally means "olive oil gives me amnesia" and she always keeps a bottle of olive oil on her person so if someone tries to question her about secret government shit she can literally give herself amnesia and forget... except she's used the oil so many times that she has no way of recovering anything about herself. just hot mess energy). a fire elemental (dulce)... and more!!

wip wholly inspired by watching cy throw shit against the wall about se pff.

but here's some of the character designs--i should make thrown together character sheets for them all tbh:

and then 2 of slug >

[agenderpunked]

just finished lost. will not be recovering, ever, me thinks...

I'M GONNA RAMBLE BECAUSE WHAT WAS THAAAAT OUUUUUGH I DIDN'T SEE ANY OTHER WAY FOR IT ALL TO END BUT THE FACT THAT IT *IS* WHAT THEY WENT WITH hURTS

I have so many thoughts and many of them are spoilers so if you haven't watched Lost (2004) stop reading this and go watch it instead.

- Jack dying in the same place he started. The cinematography and spiritual implications of making a trek back to the beginning and finally closing his eyes... DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON VINCENT LYING DOWN NEXT TO HIM I CRIIIIIIIIIIIED. THE DOG KNOWS "LIVE TOGETHER OR DIE ALONE" AND HE MAKES SURE JACK DOESN'T DIE ALONE IM IN SHAMBLESSSSS DONT TALK TO ME

- rose and bernard. i care you so bad. i want a bob ross energy survival show spin off that just follows them making their cabin and garden and traps and such and exploring the area around their cabin. Unproblematic favs, truly. THE FACT NO ONE BELIEVED ROSE WHEN SHE SAID SHE KNEW HER HUSBAND WAS ALIVE???? who visited you and told you that? are you just that faithful??? Did that hope, faith, and love protect both of you from dying on the island before you found each other??

BC ALSO. sorry but i view faith as energy, and when you focus and devote that energy to something it becomes concentrated, and what do our brains run on? electricity. what is everything about Lost about? electromagnetism. What can spirits fuck with? electromagnetic frequencies. That energy can be used to attract what you're searching for. Rose is such a necessary character ESPECIALLY for Jack's development because of how she displays such radical acceptance when she knows there are things she cannot change, ie. cancer, being trapped on the island, being surrounded by danger, and focuses instead on what she can, confirming her husband's status, creating an environment that feels safe, and enjoying the time she has left with the people she loves.

- Boone and Shannon getting into a bar fight at the end??? Boone walking up to Hurley and chatting??? Boone and Shannon are severely underrated characters in my opinion, and it's 100% from the emotionally incestuous aspects of them, which is a shame because I truly believe they are one of the most realistic depictions of relationships like that that I've seen in media. I didn't immediately like Boone. I thought he was an asshole because the show presents Shannon and Boone to you as they would an unhappy romantic relationship, but they never confirm it, even joke about it, to the point I nearly immediately realized 'They're not dating at all. They're siblings that were emotionally neglected by their parents and are codependent as all hell.'

Watching further, I was so scared to think I'd find Boone slander all up and down in the fandom while Shannon gets victimized and absolved of her fucked up actions, because of the way we immediately see Boone treat her without the context for understanding their relationship and that Boone was only on 815 to bail her out of another abusive relationship. But what I actually got from the fandom was NOTHING. ABOUT EITHER OF THEM!!!!

HOW ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT BOONE HALLUCINATING SHANNONS DEATH AND ADMITTING THAT HE WAS UTTERLY RELIEVED 😭😭😭 IM GONNA BLOW MYSELF UP ABOUT IT GOOD GOD.

The fact that Shannon also does find a potentially healthy relationship with Sayid, and that Sayid can allow himself to feel and care for someone and have gentle and tender moments in such a hostile environment while serving as the groups main mercenary, and make her feel safe, regardless of her clearly morally skewed history of dating. Sayid has morals, and he wants to stick to them, but he's been put in environments that do not allow him to adhere to that. He has restraint, and emotional intelligence. The glimpse we get into Shannon's life shows she hasn't been around men of those qualities, at least recently, save for Boone, who even then, doesn't compare next to Sayid. Imagining how Shannon would have felt about Sayid being brought back in the temple and seeing how extremely empty and different he is 😟

- Thinking about the general implications of what the island is, as well... Did they ever survive the initial crash? When they leave the island, were they alive? or was it merely an illusion of life? Is death on the island equivalent to someone accepting that they're dead and moving on for realsies? Is the island symbolizing purgatory? The themes of duality and shadows and light and twins are also not lost on me and rank this media even higher because these were not on my bingo card or prior knowledge of the show and they are damn near a critical criteria for intriguing me and getting me into a media.

Are the souls whispering in the forest of the island trapped there? Michael says they can't move on, but is it a personal choice grappling with what they did? Or is it related to actions done after death, while passing through purgatory, that decides whether you are bound to a place or able to move freely???

Oooooooough.....

[crescenthistory]

hi babes!! First of all, congrats on 2k!!! Very much deserved!! Ur an amazing author, and a very very sweet person!!!

I was wondering i could do interpret? You don't gotta, I thought it'd be fun :D

My favorite song at the moment is U from Belle (eng version. Or a million miles away eng version, both are so good, even tho the movie is like 6/10, the soundtrack is fucking scrumptious)

I am going to be studying pastry and culinary art, and spend an embarrassing amount of money on baking equipment i do NOT have room for lol. I'm learning French and fucking hate sciences (which my mom bullies me for bc pastry is all science :[), I spend a lot of time reading on my phone and like to do my nails. I am trans masc, but like im a man in a way a tomato is a fruit, and I'm pan! Bc people are just 🤌🤌🤌. I have two cats and desperately want more, and maybe a dog, and I really want a opossum, irs legal here. And a racoon. Or a ferret. Maybe a mouse. I like animals, a lot. I also am and only child and can NOT touch other people's laundry, I have a germ thing, I also dislike doesn't dishes other people used, it makes me wanna cry.

I also talk a lot, it's a problem, I don't really shut up. Probably because I'm an only child, im sorry. I recently had surgery, and the recovery process is gonna be most of my life, bc of a deformed up bone in my knee i was born with and multiple torn tendons from dance. I also am recovering from some mental health issues that caused some unsavory things to happen and now I feel like I've given too much information and I'm gonna go.

Ur very cool, I hope you and ur wife have a lovely week, yall are so cute!!!!

hi evan!! hi bestie!! thank you for dropping in, of course i can interpret for you<33 you're very cute too and both my wife and i are sending you twice as much love right back at you (she is also a woman in the way a tomato is a fruit lol)

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i will INTERPRET for nightsmarish

carina's 2k celebration

✶・•・✦・•・✶・✶・•・✦・•・✶

honestly, i can see you with poly!prongsfoot!

partly because i feel like i cannot possibly ship an evan with an evan and partly because i have come to associate you with a chaotic yet calm energy that i think would pair well with prongfoot's. the balance in you between wholesome love and loud enthusiasm is one that prongsfoot brings out of each other and would thrive with. james was born a yapper and sirius has worked on being more vocal and chatty, so you would never ever find any judgment from them for talking a lot. on the contrary, i think it would make them both feel more comfortable with you, like they can be themselves fully. in muggle au's, i can often picture sirius as a baker and regardless i think he would find your passion for it very endearing and want to encourage it. james would spend all his money getting you whatever equipment you want just to watch you and sirius have fun figuring out new techniques. (james will also HAPPILY eat any and every batch you make, successful or not.) these two are the definition of passionately loyal and would so rope you into all of that, supporting and taking care of you post-surgery and as you're on your journey to mental recovery. they accommodate for each other unspokenly all the time and i think they would do the same for you without really communicating it – which they definitely should communicate, but the thought is still endearing. lastly, poly!prongsfoot would have such a good time living with various animals, it would be a borderline sitcom to witness for all their friends and family (who, of course, would become your friends and family – you're no longer an only child).

[the-gayest-show]

Through the Looking Back Glass Thoughts/Analysis

I LOVED this episode. It was very endearing and honestly heartwarming (near the end that is) and overall one of my top episodes in the series!

First off, Sofia leaning on Cedric for help with homework is so fucking CUTE. Their dynamic makes me jump up for joy, and Sofia really trusts HIM to get the job done 🥺 Even when Cordelia appears and offers to help, Sofia is still adamant to only have Cedric do it 🥺🥺🥺🥺

It's a small detail, but I think Cedric's pose changes slightly when his sister is around? Like, he's got that hunch back pose that he had in earlier seasons when she's there, it's crazy. There's probably more screenshots I could gather on this but yeah.

The song that comes up in this scene.... mmmm art. Here's me ranting about it.

I think the saddest part of the episode is really seeing Cedric and Cordelia's past dynamic because I genuinely loved it? Like. When they hugged here it was so heartwarming. The nicknames (Cordy, Ceddy) were so cute as well, I guess when they don't use the nicknames in the beginning it's to show the deterioration of their relationship over time, and somewhere in the end of this episode, Cedric starts using the nickname Cordy again which really cements the mending of the relationship. (I did get taken off guard when Cordelia called him Ceddy in the flashback bc I've always associated it with Calista. Maybe Cordelia said it around Calista and she picked it up? IDK)

Cedric is also shown to be really good at magic here. Bro did a spell that was apparently "too advanced" or something? And let's not even begin to discuss the lore implication for WANDLESS MAGIC. BRO TRIED TO REVERSE A SPELL WITH HIS BARE HANDS. THIS MAKES ALREADY INTERESTING STF LORE MUCH MORE INTERESTING.

I find it so interesting that the incident (despite having no known cause at the time) was quite literally blamed on Cedric almost immediately and everyone went with it? Like Cordelia shouts "he ruined it" and no one questions this??? Not even Cedric fending for himself worked? Whoever said in a Tumblr post that this implies that Cedric was treated like some kind of bungler/looked down upon even before this is probably right. Because why else is it just normal for everyone to jump to this conclusion? His parents don't do SHIT about it, and I'm assuming that Goodwyn holds this grudge too (if eps like Mystic Meadows mean anything). Why are they holding onto this for so long? Literally I get holding a bit of resentment but everyone makes mistakes....

Idk this went off, but basically, oof living in your father's shadow was hard AF especially with one mistake people reference in your presence.

Despite this event happening over 30 years ago, it's still somehow the ONE thing people defined him for for years. This episode really further contextualizes his motivations for wanting to become king before season 4. Imagine being rejected from society for YEARS, being belittled and made fun of, people tearing you apart for a mistake you made when you were 9-10 YEARS OLD, it's crazy. 100% that took a toll on him, something you can see in this episode and literally most episodes. It's just really sad.

I'm glad that Sofia and Calista were able to help the both of them realize that it wasn't actually Cedric's fault (something Cordelia should've realized years ago, but seeing the event happen as it did was more a confirmation for Cedric than anything). Cordelia and Cedric forgiving each other was a bit too fast considering everything but I'm glad their relationship is mending.

Credit where credit is due, she sticks up for him after this and lets Cedric do his thing and lets him help Sofia without any ifs and buts, it's sweet.

Personally, I feel that Cedric and Cordelia probably still have a semi-strained relationship after this ep (your sister being the reason you were made fun of for years, and that reason wasn't even valid to begin with defo is not smth you can recover fast from in a 22 min episode)

Also, it's not hard to believe the circumstances wouldn't have changed if the incident were truly Cedric's fault, but Cordelia needed a wakeup call I guess, that works.

Want to mention King Roland for a second because dude. Why is your first reaction to blame Cedric (again), instead of the 2 other magic users in the room (ESPECIALLY THE CHILD. Look I'm a Calista fan thru and thru but logically the blame would be shifted there to an extent??)

King Roland I thought we were over with this since Day of the Sorcerers?? What happened to being NICER to Cedric and maybe NOT blaming him for every little thing? Idk that kinda pissed me off. The fact that Cordelia was the only thing stopping Roland from interrogating the guy... THIS BEHAVIOUR IS WHY CEDRIC TRIED TO TAKE OVER YOUR KINGDOM!!! ROLAND THE 2ND YOU IDIOT!!!

In conclusion, love me a character focused episode that develops a backstory as well as a slight resolution. 1000/10 would re-experience this again.

[cherry-alive]

So, okay, I made a post a bit about this yesterday, but I've had a lot of thoughts since then and a useful conversation with my therapist. So. Complaining about dyspraxia below

I haven't been formally diagnosed with dyspraxia. It's actually pretty much the only diagnosis I've given to myself without at least medical confirmation. But I've given it to myself based on both a lot of research and comments I have received from medical practitioners (e.g. my pediatrician commenting on my weak grip, not meeting developmental milestones on time, comments from teachers, etc). And today my therapist said she's pretty sure I have it based not just on what I've reported but what she's observed in the way I physically interact with the world over the years, so that was helpful and validating. And we contacted my doctor today to hopefully get a referral to an OT, who will be able to actually assess me, which would be very cool. Because I still doubt myself all the time and go "you don't really have this" except like...I do though lol.

Part of the reason I doubt myself about it is that it hasn't had that much impact for many years. But recently, that has changed, and I've realized that it's not that I got better, it's that I went on disability and stopped trying to do a lot of things I used to do and spent like all day on my computer and got assistance with most physical tasks. I'm doing much, much better mental health wise lately, which is amazing, and as a result I'm engaging more and more with the physical world around me, whether that's going on walks or to the grocery store or cooking or dressing nicely or eating in restaurants or trying art or whatever. Which is great!

But it's all. so. fucking. physically. difficult. Not in an exhausting way, in a coordination way. Pushing carts at the grocery store? I bump into things constantly and get really overwhelmed by it and a few weeks ago dropped a glass bottle of olive oil that shattered all over the aisle in the store. Cooking? I love to cook, but it takes me at least 2 to 3 times the time to make any given recipe because I know myself and know I can't multitask so I do all the prep all at once up front, and slowly at that bc cutting vegetables is hard. Putting on makeup? Better set aside 10 minutes just to try to put on lip gloss without going outside the lines. Going to a restaraunt? Often a mortifying experience where I a) bump into other tables and/or b) have food all over my shirt by the end of the meal, which is so embarrassing but I've struggled with it my whole life. And it's just. It's all really really difficult and often I feel so ashamed when I drop something or bump into something or get messy or whatever in public and it just...it just sucks. And I get so so so frustrated and flustered and overwhelmed when I'm trying to do basic tasks at home like hanging up clothes or whatever and it's just so difficult and frustrating for me.

And I had forgotten how hard it all was because for years I just spent all my time on my computer. But I'm not doing that now. Which is great! But I trip and stumble and knock into things and get lost outside and can't do the things I want to do and I'm just constantly reminded that the physical world is very challenging for me. My probable dyspraxia has really been interfering with my life lately in pretty significant ways that have surprised me, I had kind of forgotten how frickin hard it makes a lot of things. I consider myself able bodied for the most part but I'm remembering now that like...not exactly 100% actually. And it just kind of sucks. A lot.

The good news is that as I mentioned, we contacted my GP about it and hopefully I'll get an assessment and maybe even some OT and/or PT, which could hopefully really help me. Because I'm trying very hard to recover and regain some independence, and this is proving a more significant challenge towards those goals than I had expected.

[presidentkamala]

Ok im being SO brave and chugging a mug of peppermint tea before i suit up and GO ON A WALK and get my steps in but uhhhh emotional personal word vomit below that is too cringe and immature to share publicly probably lmao

Yesterday things were going really well, i brought my parents some of my muffins and two of the new farmers market apples and part of the brie wheel, and bc its a religious holiday one of my mom's friends invited us to a party in virginia.

But then i found out that my dad didn't plan on going (i also didn't plan on going at ALL and in fact i was going to do something completely separate) and my mom decided that she can't drive at night and she was like inviting me and hoping i would go partly so i could drive. And like we as a family don't have any kind of social life lmao and i also didn't want my mom to have to uber so i was like hey i can drop you off! TRYNGGGGG to do a nice & thoughtful thing to make up for why i wasn't going. And the main reason i wasn't going is bc this auntie LOVES to rub her hugely successful lawyer daughter married to a PARTNER in her firm (interesting if you ask me) with three children in my face and im like not in a place to uhhh recieve that energy rn (like along the lines of "[paragraph about how challenging parenting is and how successful her daughter is], turning to look at me and asking me how i "fill my days" and being intensely patronizing and smug about what a professional and academic failure i am, fake compassion, bringing up her daughter's 250k signing bonus completely out of nowhere, the works).

Well of course when i drop her off my mom's like no it would be rude not to come in and say hi so i do that with as much grace as i can muster and start driving to THE OFFICE on a saturday night because when i said hello this auntie was like no we'll be done with the ritual and dinner in 2 hours max and it wasn't worth it going back to my parents' and then back to auntie's place in under two hours

Except on the way to the office im like wait im in VA why don't i hang out in alexandria? And went down king street which has HUGELY recovered from when i lived there during the pandemic and was full of people and HAPPY COUPLES and FRIENDS ENJOYING DINNER and then Me with my whole foods loaf of brioche so i could get free parking like sitting on a park bench listening to a VERY poor rendition of hotel california

And after a couple hourse of walking along the waterfront, king street, etc, i texted my mom to see if she was ready to go and was met with TOTAL silence for. ANOTHER ENTIRE HOUR AND HALF and at that point i was just. Trapped in alexandria sitting there waiting to be called by my mom to pick her up from an event i was too ashamed to attend, filled with people who spent the last 10 years of my life gleefully asking me why i wasnt getting a masters or a law degree or being hugely devaluing of government jobs &work, who clearly have a different understanding about what's acceptable to prioritize, especially right now, especially in this moment, who i will NEVER be able to impress and who i will NEVER be able to give a reason good enough for them to treat me like a first class citizen

And reader i fucking lost it

Year after year after year i have to humble myself and apologize to everyone for not being this or doing that. Yes I'm still in [Agency] no im not engaged no i don't own a home no i'm not working towards a hugely lucrative shift to consulting. Yes my mom is parading me around like a child with nothing better or more important to do with my time. Yes i still remember every offhand remark and every backhanded compliment and every cutting remark. No i haven't radically moved forward in my life in a way you would respect

And the thing is i DID have plans last night!! And if i was more secure or more successful, i probably would have had no issues cancelling and coming to the function by myself. But im so behind in everything, and im getting old, and slower, and my chances of catching up keep slipping away

It all hit me so deeply - it felt like an attack, it felt like im being punished by my mom and everyone else for continuing to put off these things that are my duty, marriage and family or barring that career success on an astronomical level

It got worse when my mom finally DID say she was ready to go almost 2 hrs after the initial estimate. She immediately launched into transports over another guest who "isn't much older" than me and who was a DIPLOMAT and is now MARRIED TO A FRENCH DIPLOMAT and now they OWN A FARM IN POTOMAC WITH 10 COWS and it was the way she said it, so specific, so insistent about her. I don't know if im just paranoid but it felt like she was rubbing it in, i felt the walls closing in again and kind of shut down and i just said "sorry im struggling to regulate my emotions" bc its unfair to put all this paranoid shame on other people and she just looked so annoyed and disappointed and i felt completely overwhelmed by the need to just get away and be somewhere safe from judgment and disappointment and shame

Im not proud to say i relapsed into some self harming later when that interminable drive was finally over and we came home

And then today one of my OTHER cousins just announced their engagement like im SO.

I keep being made to pay the price for being single and for not being a dr or a lawyer.

It's getting old. Im getting old. There are bigger things happening in the world. Im a data analyst im a fucking unit chief i volunteer and i advocate and i work to see change like im not sitting on my hands doing NOTHING but i will NEVER be treated with respect in this family/community until i do get married or become a billionaire.

[steamanband]

Can u summarize that Joyce (or mask) lore for me my memory is so shit actually

I wasn't specifically waiting for confirmation to send this one but I remembered now lol entertain ME !!

YES BOSS!!! I know you said summarise but errm. I yapped a lot. Long post incoming.

Joyce. I actually don't think often about her life before she worked for Walter Manor but she was born in 1988 and is a fat emo lesbian so I imagine people weren't very nice to it. 😕 But she was undoubtedly the smartest and coolest person around sooo suck it haters 💯

I think she started working for Walter Robotics around late 2013 / early 2014 maybe. Some time after Six's face exploded. Her unique specialisation being cybernetic enhancements, prosthetics, blue matter medicines ect ect medical used for blue matter. Its core purpose is always to help people, often at the expense of it's own well-being or comfort. She refuses to experiment on other living things and instead performs a lot of experiments on her own body, which obviously considering the nature of blue matter is a terrible idea, but it's hard to talk her out of things she has already made its mind up on. She is in. A lot of constant pain. But fuck it she balls.

As of currently in the timeline (like 2024) it has been working for Walter robotics for 10ish years !! She's like. 36.

Personality wise it's very fun 2 me. Bc I'm sure she comes off as a very stereotypical loving and sweet person, and she is both of those things, but honestly it's also... RIDICULOUSLY stubborn and easy to annoy WHAHWUAHWHAH if you piss her off once she will not like you forever and will tell you as much. Truly born to be married into the Walter family, the family of grade A haters. Although its irritability is likely due to her surplus of health issues and lack of sleep, it just feels   very sick 100% of the time. She's also a bit of a shut in, despite her friendliness she gets tired of talking to people easily and will often disappear for days on end to work or recover or both

Some fun Joyce Ferrer-Rosales trivia:

- It has superhuman strength as a result of her experiments and can easily lift the weight of a couple cars over her head

- She likes fishing. Her and Hatchworth go fishing together

- It finds boring people genuinely unbearable to talk to if you arent a freak do NOT interact

- I think she would really enjoy things that taste cheap and fake. Mmmm microplastics

TLDR: She wanted to make medicines and became a cyborg about it

[llycaons]

final ch lb reposted bc it's not showing up in the tags???

AUGH THE CHAPTER IS CALLED DUNGEON MESHI. it's simple but I love it when they do that. perfect for dm, which is pared-down in themes but applies itself perfectly to what it wants to say

wow, damn, guess that makes sense, it's so amazing that laios brought so many people together with the simple promise of something that unites all living things - nourishment - and they in turn brought their own food to add to the communal pot. I would have liked to see more exploration of this community-building through food, but this is literally one of the only things I would change about dm it's so impeccable crafted

damn marcille

JESUS LAIOS

aw man, that's genuinely an awful thing to live with. this might be a happy ending, but laios lives with the consequences of his defeat of the demon

this is an actual medical condition too...people can get really sick

celebratory panel!!! ofc senshi is stoic (though without ever being unkind! he's unruffled without being cold) and izu doesn't rly care

sorry but 👀

THIS IS SO FUNNY. senshi being like 'I'm politely staying out of this' and everyone else being like 'yeah there's no way he's that selfless'

damn, what a step for marcille, who was so terrified of losing the people close to her

she's so hot here ugh

OHHH this visual is so cool

mmm tasty! her face says hehe she's so cute I missed her so bad. real babygirl material

yayy!!! and standing up suddenly able to walk, and TAKING the dragon with her??? that's so cute like a little plush

it would have been an interesting ending for her to maybe not recover the use of her legs? ending the story with a disability wouldn't have been a tragedy, and it's been done really well in other stories. like, I'm still me, this is a change that happened because of something I've been through, and it's something to adjust to and keep moving forward with. sorry to bring up tgcf here but sqx's storyline is truly so compelling like she DID that

SHES SO CUTE I CAN'T STAND IT. farlyn are you free friday I can take you to a movie and buy you dinner

really incredible how she's hot in one panel then charming in another then ravenous in the third. her range...

this is such lover behavior <3

AHHH SIBLING LOVE!!

marcille love!!! her legs lmao

😭😭😭 not many stories end this straightforwardly satisfyingly and honestly it's really really nice. a more bittersweet ending or a more 'mature' one might have had farlyn not come back at all a lesson abt death or w/e but fuck that!!

ohhhh sexy

STOP THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE!!! LOOK HOW HE'S SMILING. CRYING OVER THIS!!! character who barely know each other and have met like once before but will absolutely be friends for life. this might be my favorite panel in the chapter and maybe even series

PEACE AND LOVE ON THE PLANET EARTH

aww she's trying to reach out to izu. she's not someone who warms up to people easily but farlyn is just so lovable and sincere and weird that I can def see a friendship potentially for them

STOP STOP THIS IS SO CUTE. im so glad farlyn didn't get paired off or even god forbid MARRIED to that guy who likes her can you fucking imagine. maybe farcille isn't confirmed but they're real in our hearts and nothing disproves them

damn, pizza? I don't remember that

of course she does!!! she's outgoing and adventurous and loves to eat!

you know this story wouldn't have worked half as well if farlyn wasn't legitimately a charming and lovable character who was easy to get attached to and root for. if they tried going the jerk with a heart of gold route, it would have taken a lot longer and been harder to create sympathy for her. like how cql's appeal rests disproportionately on you liking and rooting for wwx, dungeon meshi's driving plot relied on you WANTING this woman to come back to life, to eat and see her friends and do her magic and get into her weird hobbies. and she's perfect! the writing doesn't rely on one cliched line or scene to get you to realize 'oh they're a good person despite their harsh exterior' to get you to root for her (even tho that's an underutilized technique for writing women), it just presents this oddball and lets you love her. rk is so good at writing women who feel like real people, it's a reason adore marcille - for her awkwardness, her judgement, her readiness to blow things up without thought. she's just a deeply uncool person who's very endearing

not to be a monarchist or anything but this is probably the best they could have gotten given the situation so I'm not going to complain too much. it's not like I read dm for in-depth and realistic political engagement

and this is like the easiest way to be a good leader. just care about your people getting the food they need. that's enough, really. I don't think laios is capable of much more anyway. it's not like he's a politican

also what does the succession line look like? I know he's not having a kid. omg kabru!! his face is so ajshdksad. and yayy marcille and farlyn staying to advise him together!!

oHHH SHIT. thesis statement of the series! also these babies are so fucking cute I can't deal. ik that one of them is a dog person but the other one??? is that an orc??? well take back what I said about just food being important. integration is happening here too - it's clear that laios's kingdom is welcoming of people like orcs who have historically been expelled from other places and violently targeted by other races. idk how he managed that but like, well done, laios!

you know I adore cql but it's such a relief to step into other stories that aren't quite so much about Good (TM ) in a vague and all-encompassing sense and also have characters who aren't laserfocused on one person and who you can envision making connections to and becoming close with other characters 😭 loving lwj is so hard sometimes loving farlyn is so easy always

[taegularities]

ive just finished reading a book that shattered my heart into infinite pieces and i am not even joking a bit. i knew that the book was as good once i started crying and tears never stopped. i think 70% of that book was me crying. now i have swollen eyelids lol. i never cried so much over something since i watched Hachiko the movie. like real sob, sounds coming out from my mouth, the real hurting package thing :(

now i need another book as beautiful as this one. and i don’t think i would recovered from this one yet. she even mentionned one direction’s songs to describe the relationship between the two mc. i am fucking torn. oh btw the book is « a thousand boy kisses » by Tillie Cole. have you ever heard about it?

have you any recommendations? also i am debating myself to buy a kindle. although i do like the idea of paper book, idk. i spend most of my nights reading ff to be honest but since last month i can’t find any that is why i switch back to « real » book again. although i think i missed a lot of your series too i have to read them.

that made me think, is there any books that made you to start writing? how did you find telling yourself that you wanted to write? would you considered it as an hobbie or a passion? pardon me if you had already answered those questions in the past too. in that book i’ve read, author was talking a lot about passion and made me realize that besides piano - i am unfortunately not really into it anymore - i don’t have any. like isn’t it beautiful to say that we had something to hold on, to escape? i miss that..

i talked a lot today lol i am so sorry. oh and if any of your followers as any book recommandations (not ff too), i take!!! 🤎

oh gosh, babe.. have you recovered from it yet? i know that feeling so well. some stories just stay with us and are hard, if not impossible to forget. i know it hurts, but i'm also glad you found a book you could enjoy the way you did. i haven't heard of it, by the way! but just googled it, and it sounds beautiful. soulmate au :(

i wish i could rec stories, but i think it's genuinely been years since i read a proper book. i know 'me before you' and its sequel made me cry :') definitely get that kindle if you've been reading a lot these days! i do prefer paperback, too, but i get the appeal of an e-book.

yeah, honestly, that's gonna sound extremely mainstream, but books that made me write were john green's stories, the novel 'every day' by david levithan and (okay, don't laugh pls lol), but ed sheeran's songs. there's beauty in all those – a lot of talk of love and the stars, of soft and sweet things. which is probably why my writing ended up the way it is today? but i've always written tbh… i enjoyed reading and at some point, i started a random ass story back when i was 13 or so (it was horrible) and then wrote my first stuff in english when i started this blog. i wanted to try it out. play with words, see if i'm any good at it? and yeah, now i'm kinda in love with it and trying to be better every day <3 so i'd say it's both a hobby and a passion. truly an activity i enjoy the most.

it's beautiful to have something like this, true. i hope you find your passion, too <3 and tbh, i'm so grateful you asked all that? bc i love talking about these things.. like what, you're actually interested in me and getting to know me?? i'll blush lol :') love you <3

[tinystepsforward]

i am so fucking sad tonight and i used to put that stuff on here like a decade ago so here we are again ig. just.

really horrid combination of things happening right now and it makes me extra upset bc i'm into my second month on low-dose t and the first month was going so fucking well for like. being conducive to the last of my trauma recovery? and then, of course, recovery isn't linear and also my parents seem intent to retraumatise me whenever they can. but like.

english terf hits our shores

completely inescapable discourse, and also targeted abuse, on twitter and elsewhere. also i wrote an op-ed bc our media are useless and we need at least a few trans voices out there (hopefully it does get picked up, but it was gruelling to write)

my mother switches from spreading conspiracy theories about climate change to a sudden and vicious focus on trans people. not that she ever stopped being a bigot but usually it's one post every few months about how conversion therapy works and not several posts a day from people who want trans people murdered

scheduled to be interviewed for a study on conversion therapy survivors on tuesday

scheduled to go on holiday with my family on thursday. i booked a separate room so i won't have to attempt to take my (oral, twice daily with food, specifically bc the endo didn't want me on injections until we knew for sure i wouldn't need to suddenly stop t to avoid extended ptsd episodes) testosterone around family who would be very willing to attempt conversion therapy round fucking four on me

i have no idea if my job will still be there for me when i get back from this scheduled leave bc [gestures at tech companies and ai]

conference all day monday (tomorrow, technically) that i know will eat all my spoons, and that doesn't cater for my dietary needs so i'll have to pack food

and it's like. i am so sad. i am so so sad. i have been making a concerted effort w my family because my paatti (dad's mother) is in town, the one i've talked about before who doesn't know i'm gay and married bc my parents have prevented that happening. and i feel so lonely and so cut off bc as a diaspora/migrant family, and a mixed one at that, my only connection to my cultures is via my parents who fucking hate who i am. so i've been trying to hang out with her when they're not around. i said yes to this vacation, we'll get more time together and some pictures and stuff.

but i'm still fielding her questions about why i don't have a boyfriend. and my parents have decided to, right when i'm most stressed about being trans, and about connection to family, be the worst people they can be about it again i guess? and it's true that my conversion therapy/parental/religion trauma is the stuff i've never come back around to working on in therapy bc my parents are actively reopening the wound every few months and it's. hard to work with that.

fucking like. shocking that i recovered from ptsd once, after [black box of getting csaed more times than i can count], immediately got groomed in a way that's rly fucking complicated to talk about bc my ex is a trans woman who decided to come out as a child-grooming rapist and as trans in the same month, and terfs salivate over the idea of using people like her as a cudgel, and completely forgot that approximately 300 other things, sa and otherwise, happened to me along the way to the point where my psych said she was surprised/proud i haven't killed anyone yet.

so i'm sad about all of them at once rn except the brain injury means i can only hold about two in my active memory at a time and i keep alternating which ones i'm sad about like shuffling several decks of cards really fast i guess.

[south-park-meta]

tbh It made me realise the reason why I loved SP's take on depression was better, if u compare Stan with other characters whose purpose is being social commentary on depression and mental health (Effy Stonem from Skins and Hanah Baker from 13 RW).

Hannah Baker (13RW)

Her character frustates me because 13 RW had so much potential,the idea was creative,narrating how many stuff drove her to suicide: from bullying,h4rr4sment,SA'D r4pe, not only adressing depression but to adress those things as well.

I know the author's intention and Selena Gomez's idea were good and focus on mental health but the development was icky,some dialogues feel rushed to arrive to the tragedy, some traumatic events feel to gave shock value to the audience than genuiely comment on it, besides how the series remarks you that if the love interest would have confesed Hannah, It would have saved her.

Which is very hurtful for many reasons.

A partner can help u throught recovery and being moral support but they aren't ur therapist, adding the fact that selling the idea "if he would have confessed,he would have saved her" when confessing or just be with them doesn't automatically saved them??.

Very different with SP, like Wendy and Kyle genuinely wanted to help Stan, but their moral support isn't enough to get him out of depression and sometimes it can be tiring for others (Kyle)

However If we compare a character that is more similar w/ Stan.

• they are both main characters and the leader of their friendgroup.

• they are the younger sibling.

• they can be charismatic,smart, and independant from such young age

• they can be bit arrogant sometimes.

• both of them are done with everyone's bs.

• both of them distrustful of adults, and sometimes get embarrased at their parent's stupidity.

•struggles with relationship, fear of abandoment.

• heavy uses of alcohol plus depression.

However their character differs on how the writers made them, while Skins's purpose was to show life never ends how u want it to be, and endings could be most be sad or just neutral,healing. Showing adolescence,teens struggling with addictions,disfunctional families,etc.

Skins GLAMOURIZED her depression,unlike her brother's behaviour. He was villianized (bc he was an asshole,he deserved it but he matured),he got heavier consequences. unlike her, while her friends and her love interest were fed up,they forgave her too quickly. it also presents u the narrative "love interest saves depressed person" to a whole level, while she was ""recovering". Out of nowhere,her bf gets killed by her psychiatrist?? Out of shock value. Even when she gets a bit of consequences she managed to manipulate to save herself, even with that smirk of "I'm effy stonem I'm always get what I want".

Effy represents an unhealthy and glamourized ideas of depression that the show pushed on it's female fanbase. (as someone w/ depression, when I saw the show I questioned why my depression didn't make me mysterious and prettier or get a bf that saved me from it)

"Her depression it's destructing her but that makes her even prettier and mysterious, ppl want to be her or fuck her"

and it had such an impact that on tumblr when the show came out until this day, many ppl want to be as mentally ill as Effy or fuck her.

Stan's depression and his self destructive tendencies is never showed as something that makes him mysterious or quirky. Neither his philosophy and way of thinking. His conflicts don't feel like to be shock value.

Althought he didn't get therapy at all,it protrayed realistically how some ppl don't get opportunity to be treated, and how sometimes they just have to move forward, feeling like shit but then a neutral point u don't care about anything,neither happy or sad, and keep moving.

Plus his personality,his behaviour in certain situations makes him more relatable to me than any character.

Tegridy farms burning? It was smth u see was coming. Because his anger is explosive, he puts out with his father behaving like a child,drinking,sometimes belittle him, always fighting with this mom for dumb stuff. The farm was an idea clearly Shelly,Sharon and him disliked. And them fighting over the divorce bc Randy didn't want to share money w/ Sharon was his breaking point, the impulsiveness "oh fuck it farm goes boom bc he is an asshole" cost him sister's life in the bad ending.

They showed Wendy trying to be suppoetive but not as his therapist or "love interest saves depressed person". Neither make Kyle his therapist or sm.

And it sometimes surprised me how SP while is social commentary is also dark humor and parody treated depression withot demonizing Stan neither glamourizing his depression.

Honestly his character is so interesting i could analyze that bitch for hours.

Idk how to expressed it but ugh.

I haven't seen Skins so I don't have a point of reference for it lol. I'm gonna go on a bit of a tangent with this.

Depression in South Park and its fandom is a tricky thing because I think a lot of people don't have realistic, or sensitive, headcanons about depression. Which is probably obvious by my whiny posts lately lol.

But it's also something, both for South Park as a fandom and media at large that needs to be looked at pretty carefully. There's a lot of headcanons that if I'm being blunt I think are God awful and insensitive if people think about it critically at all. Which I do try to weigh with the source being South Park which can in itself be insensitive.

The thing that makes South Park as a source fairly unique is it represents a more stereotypically 'masculine' depression. Which isn't to say women can't or don't act that way. But the 'explosive' depression is something that is more typically present in men. And that isn't something that is often present in media as a whole; the typical depiction of depression is more by-the-book representative of young women. (Again not exclusively so. Some of Stan's more annoying/negative traits are things I've felt and worked to outgrow. Probably some I've failed at lol). It also feels very authentic, presumably because Stan is so much of Trey in ways that characters aren't typically so emotionally autobiographical and usually have multiple writers.

That leads to the crux of my waffling with a lot of handling of depression. It very often is based on female depression, and whether in media or fandom is often based on stereotypes of this, such as cutting etc. A lot of stereotype appears because the authors can't personally relate. But then again, quite often authors DO relate to this, and it occurs so often because the authors themselves are more typically women than men, in particular in fandom. But on the other OTHER hand, depression is often treated as childishly annoying and something to grow out of, and in mocking it it very often is done by exaggerating the female depression stereotype that everyone has in their heads. Even in South Park there's a mess of trying to write mental illness but not being able to relate personally, relating personally but not presenting in the same way as is typical the demographic represented and shown in South Park, and finding mental illness annoying and actively mocking it, usually in these underhanded kind of headcanons.

Anyway this is a mess lol I'm about to clock out for work but hopefully there's still something decent in what I said. Mental illness and its representation is so multifaceted! Maybe I'll talk more about it tomorrow when I'm off :) thanks for the ask!

ETA Now that I'm back home:

Overall what makes good representation is:

Knowing from personal experience

Being earnest

There are at times things you can extrapolate from your personal knowledge of being human and feeling emotions even if you don't know things personally. But it's going to always feel truer when it is truer even with the best of intentions.

Being earnest makes a huge difference, too, and is something I think people forget. Shows like South Park can be and often are insensitive, but the feelings behind them are also often authentic and earnest. Shows like Skins, often aren't earnest by design in that more dramatic/soap opera based shows are usually looking for more shock value than emotional authenticity (someone feel free to correct me if I've missed the mark on the genre though. This is just what I've vaguely picked up from Skins from seeing like 2 or 3 eps and knowing the general premise lol). I think it also speaks to my earlier points in that the VAST majority of the writing credits for this show are men and have no lived experience as being a depressed teen girl. No lived experience and a desire for emotional reaction over emotional connection is, to me, always going to lead to a less 'true' outcome. Even if the show has its own positive merits.

I actually DID read Thirteen Reasons Why (in high school) and watched uhhh about 15 minutes of the show, which I quit because it struck me as OTT in a way that I don't really like. I did like the book okay but also thought at the time 'this dude doesn't know what it's like to be a girl', which is the crux of a lot of problems. But I do think Jay Asher has his heart in the right place which covers up some of the problems. I've heard a little bit about the show that makes me inclined to agree it leans into shock value though.

Side note as a rec, everyone should watch Ordinary People. That movie's good as hell.

[mosssunmaniac]

I've gotten into watching Malory Towers and it is so good! Also very infuriating, but, good!

This post will include spoilers! So don't read further if you do not want spoilers!

So..... !!! SPOILERS !!!

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I have some headcanons upon watching the show as I'm now on the beginning of season 3. (And also some thoughts on Ms. Johnson!!!!)

The matron is a stern and stubborn woman. Over Season two I saw a possible love interest setup with the form teacher. It seemed pretty obvious, but, by the end of it, it was discovery that this wasn't the case. The girls believed she'd been proposed to when in reality the form teacher was bent down on one knee trying to help get a cat out from underneath a desk. (Said cat was found and secretly cared for by a student.)

When she's confronted, she explains she'd "choose a cat over a man any day"

This made me think, Matron is aroace!!!

And that's not the only evidence. In the episode where Georgina has measles, it's a concern that it may have spread to Mr. Parker. He's kept in the Matron's office to recover. She ends up writing a story that is essentially a biography about how she takes care of the girls and wishes to impress the form teacher. She asks Mr. Parker to give her an honest review, to which he admits it's not very good, escribing how diligent she is with the girls but that she is not a writer. Based on her comment about not wanting men, it leads me to realize her writing reflected her want to impress Mr. Parker and be his friend. Essentially, not a crush, but a squish!!

That and in Season 3 she's asked to do a biology lesson on changes in a woman's body. She gets very awkward and doesn't use obvious language. She's clearly uncomfortable teaching the subject, despite being knowledgeable on health topics to care for the girls. Being a sex repulsed asexual myself, I often hate using even medical terms because my brain often makes connections between that and how it's viewed in a sexual light.

Essentially

MATRON IS AROACE!!!!!! Possible microlabels ofc, but I don't know atm.

Finally, very simple, but, BILL IS TRANS + NON-BINARY!!!!

I imagine she still uses She/Her, but I feel she wouldn't mind She/He/They as well!

Also Ms. Johnson is an absolute bitch and I hate her. ESPECIALLY BC SHE KEEPS ESSENTIALLY FUCKING DEADNAMING BILL AFTER BILL EXPLICITLY STATES SHE WANTS TO BE CALLED BILL.

Ms. Johnson is straight up evil I swear.

[kinnsporsche]

Thank you for your kind words on my AITA for calling the police on my sister.

I'm sorry you've been through that. It's very rough and it's hard especially in situations where the child is abusing a parent.

hiiii op!!! (context, it's this @am-i-the-asshole-official post)

my brother was around the same age, maybe a little bit older, when everything went down with them. when i was growing up he'd always been abusive to me physically and emotionally (the worst thing i remember is him pushing me into a bunch of thorns and nettles and then him and his friend shooting me with a bb gun and when i was super young maybe 4 or 5 he hung my toys from the ceiling with rope) but he didn't start getting physically abusive with my own mum until somewhere between 16-18.

unlike your situation, i was young so i was home with my mum when it happened and so she never had to ask for our help, but i do have core memories of her hiding me and my little sister behind her whilst my brother was going off on one, i remember him shoving her and her hitting her head on the counter and splitting her eyebrow open and there was blood all down her face, i remember her having bruises all over, i remember him holding a knife to her, i remember her pulling one back to defend us (i was 11/12 which made my sister 7/8 at the time) and for most of his teenage years, he never changed. my mum made a lot of excuses for him until it got really bad - he was abused by his own dad (not my father, he's my half-brother) and she felt guilty for that, she felt like she messed up his childhood so this was her fault and she deserved it.

i dont think she started to understand how bad it was until the knives got involved, until he brought a group of people into our house whilst some man waited for them outside and threatened to tie everyone in the house to the back of his car and drive around our estate, until i, a twelve year old child, had to go up against him to protect my own mum whilst she was bleeding on the floor until my dad came over and got him out of the house. and after that is when my mum also became heavily involved with alcohol and alcoholism and lost herself until i was about 16/17. she's okay now, we're both in good places and super close, but i lost my childhood to the both of them because of how bad things got with the abuse and the drinking. i was kicked out of my own house at 14 iirc, i have ptsd (which fucking destroys my memory hence the broad age range bcs i cant remember shit), depression, social phobia, and anxiety from it all, i'm still scared of my brother, i'm terrified of confrontation, i have attachment issues, but the worst part of it all are the nightmares and the flashbacks. my mum doesn't know i have them, i've only told a few people, but they happen regularly. most recently my brother in one of them my brother tried to drown me and poured scolding water on my face so theres that.

op you did the right thing by showing her that there's consequences for what she did, if your mom was willing to let it lie, i am 100% sure it would and might still will grow into a situation like my brother. i cant believe there's people on that post claiming yta for calling the cops on your sibling when they laughed in the face of your own mother almost dying at her hands. yes acab, we know this, but until there is a better system in place to help and protect in situations like this, what else are you supposed to do? wait for your sister to one day do too much damage that your mom can't recover from? fuck no you have every right to defend your mom from her and, even if your mom understand it now, one day she will, especially if your sister continues to walk such a dangerous path.

please please see what i went through as a warning, and if you want to share this with your family so there's even the slightest chance that they might see how bad things can get if she isn't punished for her behaviour, if it's left to fester and root, if she thinks she can get away with it, then please send it to them. i'm wishing nothing but love and safety for your family, especially your mom.