#which does admittedly yet again raise the question of how fucking old is this freak (affectionate)

[thegreatyin]

WAIT. REALIZATION. amias and the scoundrel have the same glasses taste this is terrible

the londoners yearn for the inherent swag of tiny grandma-esque glasses!!!

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 287: Family Reunion

Previously on BnHA: The Tomura For One VS Deku And Pals clusterfuck reached new levels of clustfuckery as AFO possessed Tomura’s body and stabbed Kacchan and Endeavor. Shouto was all “good thing I leveled up offscreen so as to be able to fly around whilst carrying 400lbs worth of people”, and did just that and it was like, damn, son. Meanwhile Deku’s rage went Mach 100, and he kicked Tomura’s ass for almost two whole seconds, but in the process he apparently forgot that IF TOMURA TOUCHES HIM THAT IS VERY BAD, and so he stupidly let Tomura touch him and Tomura was all “GAME, SET.” Fortunately for Deku, his quirk plays by its own rules, and so the chapter ended with us cutting to the METAPHYSICAL OFA/AFO PARANORMAL DREAMSCAPE OF MYSTICAL BULLSHIT, where AFO!Vestige was all “lol Tomura y u mad”, and Nana!Vestige was all “SUP DEKU, YOU’RE JUST IN TIME, LOOKS LIKE IT’S ASSKICKING O’CLOCK.” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but that’s more or less the gist of it.

Today on BnHA: AFO is all “well if it isn’t Tomura’s grandmother who I murdered that one time”, and Deku is all “?”, and AFO is all “fucking vestiges, man, wild”, and Deku is all “??”, and AFO is all “ANYWAYS GETTIM TOMURA”, and OFA is all “NOT SO FAST”, and Deku is all “???”, and really, same. AFO then goes off on some wild tangent about how Deku is unworthy because he couldn’t protect everyone and needed help from OFA and got mad about his friends being stabbed, which is such a cold take it gave me hypothermia, but it ends up not mattering since Deku and Tomura both wake up seconds later with OFA still in the possession of its rightful owner, HOW ABOUT THAT. The chapter ends with the LoV approaching on Gigantomachia’s back with Dabi practically salivating at the mouth, and Toga trying to reignite an old fandom blood feud. Toga why would you do this to me. Toga.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

[CROWD LOSING THEIR MINDS] FINALLY THE NANA HAS COME BACK TO BNHA!! IF YA SMELLLLL WHAT THE NANA IS COOKIN!!!!! [RINGSIDE BELL CHIMING WILDLY] [LOUD AIRHORN NOISES]

“chapter 287: mistake” omg. yeah I’ll say you made a mistake, AFO. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THESE FLEETING LAST MOMENTS OF YOUR SHITTY EVIL LIFE

(ETA: so in all seriousness this must be referring to AFO’s belief that All Might/OFA made a mistake in choosing Deku, right? “I can’t believe you went and chose this shounen manga protagonist as your champion, what were you thinking.” I’ll just put this out there: however many comic books AFO read as a child, it clearly was not enough.)

wow Deku how slow are you

yes you’re inside OFA you dimbulb, did you think your clothes suddenly vanished out of the blue and the ghost of Nana just randomly appeared in the real world by some freak coincidence?? can you believe this kid. breaks his arms a measly 10-15 times in a row and all of a sudden he can’t think straight, get it together Deku

but also brb having a moment at the fact that his thoughts immediately run back to Kacchan, even with all of this nonsense going on and Nana about to lay the beatdown on AFO’s potato-lookin’ ass. forget that noise, all he wants to know is whether or not Kacchan is all right. fuckin’ geez. AM I OVERREACTING HERE A BIT. probably

(ETA: ALSO!! the way he just trails off!! “Kacchan is...” and then he can’t bring himself to complete the thought. oh my god my heart.)

HOLY SHIT

okay,

damn but this man sure knows how to ruffle my feathers. as eminently detestable as ever!!

could it be any clearer here that AFO is not on Tomura’s side?? for a moment I thought he had actually grabbed him by the back of the head in order to get him to look. but nope, he’s just resting his pointing hand on top of his head instead while he’s all “HEY TOMURA LOL IT’S THE GHOST OF YOUR DEAD PATHETIC GRANDMA”

for those keeping track at home, this would be the first time that Deku has heard this information -- that Tomura is Nana’s grandson -- and possibly the first time Vestige!Nana has heard it as well. Nana died when Kotarou was still a child, so for all we know the Vestige!Nana didn’t even know she had a grandson, lol. TODAY ON “MAKESTE RANTS AT LENGTH ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY BE ADDRESSED WITHIN THE NEXT THREE PANELS”, anyway moving on

lmao for the record I fucking LOLed at this giant question mark immediately bubbling up over Deku’s head

no idea what AFO is about to ramble on about now, haven’t read that far yet. but let the record show that Deku’s immediate reaction to hearing “BTW NANA IS YOUR ARCHNEMESIS’S GRANDMA LULZ” is everything I could have hoped for

(ETA: fandom nailed the shit out of this one with the confused Mr. Krabs meme lmao.)

okay so now AFO is monologuing at length about how he would sometimes have “riveting dreams” about the previous owners of all the quirks he stole. but once he gave the quirks away they stopped bothering him?? holy moly let me just take all the notes

okay so he’s saying that Vestiges are created whenever someone has their quirk stolen by AFO. but if they then disappear when he gives the quirks away, does that also mean that whoever receives the quirks also gets the original owner’s Vestige bundled in every time?? that would be wild okay hold up let me read the rest of this

so he’s saying that the Vestiges are actually the “consciousnesses” of the original quirk owners, which have become embedded in their dna or something. SOUNDS INCREDIBLY DUBIOUS TO ME LOL but on the other hand this is a world where children can be born with airplane heads, so my disbelief can hardly afford to pick and choose what it’s gonna be suspended at! anyways though, how does he know he’s the only one who was able to converse with them? did you conduct detailed six-month follow-up interviews with everyone you gave quirks to or what

and if it really is the case that this ability was formerly exclusive to him, isn’t that more evidence than ever that OFA and AFO are actually THE EXACT SAME QUIRK oh whoops am I getting ahead of myself again, sorry

MEANWHILE TOMURA IS ALL, “GRANDMA?”

“WHY AM I HERE, WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY, GRANDSON. YOU SEE THAT MAN GROWING OUT OF YOUR RIBCAGE THERE? WELL IT’S JUST THE FUNNIEST THING, ACTUALLY”

WAIT SO IS HE SAYING THEY’RE SOULS OR NOT??

this makes it sound like they won’t ever get to rest, which sure sounds like a soul thing to me. well whatever, soul, consciousness, I guess it’s just semantics at the end of the day

anyways though, so this asshole is finally done talking (I’m sure that won’t last), so now we can finally have the heartwarming reunion we’ve all been waiting for

sigh

-- actually, no, not “sigh”!! you know what!! because Tomura says “whatever the reason”, but that’s only because he doesn’t actually have a fucking clue about the reason. like, I don’t know if the knowledge that AFO killed Nana would be enough to give him pause, but if he knew the whole story and knew that AFO was behind not only Nana’s death, but the rest of his family’s deaths as well... now that would be a whole different thing

anyway. but at least it’s becoming clearer now why AFO spent all that time raising Tomura up as his heir and brainwashing him even though he seems to have been planning this body takeover the whole time. it’s all because he loves making people miserable! yaaaaay

btw HAS NANA HAD THE EXACT SAME MOLE ON HER CHIN AS TOMURA THIS ENTIRE TIME WTF. am I just the least observant person who ever lived lmao

lol wtf

ground: [randomly starts exploding]

Deku: “ONE FOR ALL IS BEING ERODED!!!” LOL IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE, OKAY THEN. I’ll take your word for it

y’all I cannot fucking get over this “AFO growing out of Tomura’s hip socket like a fucked-up ventriloquist dummy” shit though

you do realize that absolutely no one can take you seriously right now, right?? it’s important to me that you know this

WHAT’S THIS NOW

seems like SOMEONE has had it up to here with a certain SOMEONE ELSE’S bullshit lmaooo bye Felicia

I SAID GOOD DAY!!

you guys why is he not dying!!

-- OH DAMN

love how Deku is just lying there like “YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU’RE LIKE, THIS MIGHT AS WELL HAPPEN.” poor Deku

(ETA: where in god’s name is OFA Prime standing. why are my thoughts fully consumed by this lmao.)

are Nana and OFA Prime even doing anything?? why are they sticking their arms out like that. wait hold up is this all a big metaphor for the back-and-forth going on between Tomura trying to steal OFA and OFA being all “actually no you can’t, please enter your password and click on all the boxes with bicycles in them to prove you’re a human first”?

OH SNAP OFA PRIME SAID NO THANKS

“SORRY BRO WE’VE ALREADY MADE OURSELVES AT HOME HERE”

I have only just noticed that metaphysical!Deku has the same scars as actual!Deku. and yet his arms are not currently broken! that doesn’t really seem consistent to me but whatever!! maybe he saved right before the boss battle, that would be smart of him

anyway, that’s great and all that OFA Prime is here helping out, but I really wanted to see Nana fight AFO in a one on one though so I’m a bit disappointed. also why is it only the two of them?? where are Banjou and the others. of all the times to be sleeping on the job

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THIS MAN

WOULD YOU STOP. WOULD YOU JUST QUIT IT ALREADY

oh shit hold up

doesn’t this confirm that the reason he wanted to transfer his power to Tomura is because he believed it would make him strong enough to finally take OFA because of Quirk Singularity? jesus christ. and here he was so sure of himself. but it turns out he doesn’t actually know shit! you can’t just fucking take OFA like that ya dingdong that’s not how it works

(ETA: SO, A THOUGHT -- is there any sort of subtle hinting here in the way that he words this? “if your strength is combined with mine”, as opposed to “if my strength is combined with yours”? no idea if the admittedly-so-small-as-to-be-almost-inconsequential distinction between those two sentences exists in the original Japanese or not, but I find it very interesting that the English wording implies that he’s the one adding Tomura’s strength to his own, rather than vice versa.)

now he’s insulting Deku!!

excuse me sir WHO ASKED YOU anyway. and never mind that being consumed by an, AND I QUOTE, “unquenchable” rage is your protege’s whole THING, and that he also needed your help to avoid being burned to a crisp a short while ago. where do you get off I swear

(ETA: also just want to point out that in the panel before this one he says that he’s been “watching through Tomura”, which pretty much confirms that his consciousness or whatever is alive inside of him all the time. Tomura is definitely not getting rid of this guy any time soon.)

WOW

first he calls Kacchan useless, then he calls Deku a simpleton, and don’t even get me started with Nana. just, you guys. this man is just... a very, very rude man

NOW OFA IS ALL “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT MAKES HIM SUCH A GOOD PROTAGNIST YOU BUTTMUNCH” AND OMG PREACH

“DESPITE HIS COMMON SENSE” sdfkllk my man he already has one brother roasting him, take it easy guy

AHH WHAT

IS THIS BACK IN THE REAL WORLD

YEP

hahaha nice try Tomura

so Deku’s all “I didn’t lose my power! BUT” and I assume the “but” is the part where his arms are still broken and shit, and meanwhile Tomura’s body is almost healed up now finally

they’re both wiped out and now AFO is again petitioning Tomura to let him take over goddammit

“you won’t lose your mind” yep, he sure won’t! scout’s honor!! pinky swear!!

meanwhile Deku is getting fucking desperate flkjl;k my baby. and Machia is going to show up any second now too, probably. what else can fucking go wrong at this point

oh shit I shouldn’t have asked

get ready to rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuumble, probably

OH MY GOD

WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE HERE IS HAVING A GOOD TIME. jesus

so as soon as he heard Endeavor was there he got all, “TIME FOR THE BIG REVEAL”, is that right? WELL JOKE’S ON YOU TOUYA, YOUR DAD DOESN’T SEEM ALL THAT CONSCIOUS AT THE MOMENT, SO THAT’S GOING TO DRAIN A LOT OF THE TENSION FROM THE SCENE WHEN YOU GO ALL REVERSE DARTH VADER ON HIM AND HE’S ALL “ZZZZZZZZ”

meanwhile Toga is having unsettlingly quiet angst

jesus christ Toga this is all we need right now

“WAS JIN-KUN NOT A PERSON” sdkfjlk Horikoshi I swear. please have mercy on this fandom. this is the debate that refuses to die!!

but seriously ffs, the issue isn’t that Jin deserved to die, it’s that the countless people whom Jin would have either directly or indirectly killed didn’t deserve to die either. people don’t only become people when you attach names and faces to them! we all loved Jin because we’d gotten to know him, but that doesn’t mean his life was inherently worth more than the lives of all the people he would have killed. sometimes there’s just no good answer

like, it’s just crazy to me that because the heroes are all “we want to protect everyone!” but then aren’t always able to do so because that’s literally impossible, whereas the villains are all “we don’t care about anyone other than the select few people that we actually like!”, the villains somehow wind up getting the better PR. it just so happens that it’s infinitely easier to be loyal to the interests of a few people as opposed to ALL THE PEOPLE. like, no shit, it’s easier to stick to your moral code when you barely have a moral code. and so the villains can kill thousands and no one bats an eye, but if a hero fails to save even one person they’re hypocritical moral failures. like what the hell

BUT ANYWAY, sorry to go off on a tangent there lol, it’s not really a big deal. I’m just preemptively trying to stave off more discourse about it lol but who am I even kidding

anyways lol, but of course they won’t kill you unless they have no choice, Toga. but when it comes to catch-22 situations, it’s a bit much to infer that the heroes don’t consider the villains people just because they opt for the choice that spares more innocent lives. I sure as hell don’t want my babies out here killing people, but to say that they can’t no matter what or else they’re no different from the villains is just...

anyway so the chapter has now just ENDED, just like that!! on a shot of Ochako’s face!

I SENSE ANOTHER THROWDOWN COMING. and it had better not be a total letdown like the last one! NANA BARELY DID ANYTHING HORIKOSHI, WHAT THE FUCK. I started out with such high hopes lol

but I will settle for Toga VS Ochako, and Deku VS Tomura: The Sequel: Shouto’s Revenge! SPEAKING OF HEROES WHO HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE lmao

[birdwonder]

I just saw your body swap HCs for the Bucciarati gang, so could I request one for the Crusaders? I also heard about your computer troubles, so if it’s too long and rage inducing I apologize. (Hope you can get your computer fixed) (also found out I could use emojis thanks to you!)🃏

|| sorry for the late response ! thanks for the concern, jester/joker ( whatever shall i call you? ) btw !

Original Post + TW : comedic, very light nsfw 

Star Dust Crusaders | Bodyswap Headcanons

Jotaro Kujo

- The two of you were heading out to buy some cold beverages when you were hit with the stand attack that wasn’t even all that surprising seeing as Dio had sent non-stop, relentless attacks against you all ever since your journey had began. What was surprising was the stand’s effects however.

- When you staggered backwards, you had unfortunately hit your head against a stop street sign that hurt more than you wanted to admit. There was some shock though, as you hadn’t bashed against the pole of the sign but the actual image it displayed it’s self - something you were sure you were too short to reach. “How the hell?” You muttered to yourself while rubbing the back of your hair, pausing when you realised how freakishly different your hair felt. Not to mention, when you looked down, those were definitely not your clothes. 

- “You tell me.” A voice- Your voice responded, your own eyes glaring at you yet from a much lower angle. Shit, you were tall. Or, was this body tall? If you had to guess by your fashion, height and the fact you could see yourself and not Jotaro; well the dots were easy to connect.

- “Fuck, I’m you!” “No shit.” “Why the hell are you so god damn tall?” “That’s your issue?”

- “Ugh, suck my dick.” You groaned at his tone, already hating the situation. A guy was in your body and though you knew Jotaro wasn’t the shifty type, it was still uncomfortable to think about. 

- “Don’t you mean my dick?”

- Ah, he shouldn’t have said that. The two of you both stared at each other in awkward silence, Jotaro visibly regretting what he had let slip and you, slowly starting to laugh. Your laughter was a strange sound seeing as it sounded way deeper than your original one. This must be what Jotaro sounded like when he laughed … it was nice.

- Jokingly, you wagged your brows, “does this mean you want me to whip it out?” If it wasn’t your face, you’d die of laughter at the distraught Jotaro showed, followed with a hint of fluster.

Noriaki Kakyoin 

- “Now, don’t freak out,” Kakyoin tried to soothe, hands holding out to stop you from doing anything rash which didn’t work too well when even he was panicking internally. After all, the one he had to comfort had his face.

- “There’s no way I can’t, I’m… I’m you! You’re me!” Of all the times to be in a stand user’s way, why did it have to be this one ? And w h y did this weird strand of hair keep getting into your mouth?! Seriously, how does Kakyoin manage to look so cool with this pest in his face all the time?

- That wasn’t the only problem though, no. You just had to swap bodies with someone you not only thought of as cool and amazing, but freakishly handsome too. Yet you were convinced you were anything but that. Bending down, you took hold of the jacket on your body, one that Kakyoin’s mind was currently in. “What are you doing?” He asked with a confused look, watching you zip up the jacket which was horribly confusing since he had to watch his own hands fix a jacket that wasn’t even his own.

- “Zipping your- my jacket! Just don’t pay too much attention to me, ok? I’m such a mess,” you mumbled, fumbling with the zipper. Gah, you weren’t used to having such long and thin fingers. Kakyoin in return narrowed his brows, his temporarily smaller hands going over your’s. 

- “Don’t start with that [First Name], you’re perfect the way you are. How we look is not our biggest problem anyways, we need to find that stand user and quick.” As much as you didn’t want to say it, he was right. You couldn’t focus on this, not when you didn’t know how permanent this situation could be. Nodding, you agreed.

- Kakyoin then smiled, a hand placing it’s self on your shoulder. [He died a little inside when he realised he had to go on his tip toes to do this.] “Come on, after all this I’ll treat us to something nice.”

Joseph Joestar

- “OH MY GO-” Joseph tried to yell but stopped abruptly when he realised how horribly strange it sounded in your voice. Of all the days you both agreed to team up, this had to be the one.

- While he was panicking in your body, you were staring at yourself in a mirror’s reflection, flexing your arm with an interested look. The way his muscles tensed and relaxed was way too good not to admire, not when his short sleeves left little to the imagination. Even for his age, this man seriously looked good and you couldn’t even try to hide that thought from him; so you didn’t. With a low whistle, you found a new pose to show off the Joestar’s muscles in, “not bad, old man. Guess you don’t skip gym day even on a retirement plan.”

- Joseph had to double take at your comment. “I’m not that old, and I sure as hell am not retiring anytime soon!” He argued, huffing before storming up to you and shoving you away from the mirror. Admittedly, he was pleasantly surprised by your praise to his physique and it really did get to his head, “you can stare all you want at my body later when we’re not facing serious danger, just get a move on now!”

- Raising a brow at the comment, you smirked to yourself as you watched your own body try to push the one you were in currently. Wonder how it felt for him. The guy would probably get a kick out of it if he just let him relax like you were. “Is that a promise? ‘Cause you can have front row tickets to your own show if you really want, Mr Joestar.” You cooed, dropping a formal title as though you weren’t suggesting something incredibly personal at all. At least it got a good reaction out of him, seeing as he paused his efforts to get you moving to stare at you with surprise. This then made you laugh, a gloved finger then moving to gently press his nose to pull him out of his dazed state. “Just kidding, pervert.”

- After that, you started to walk off ahead of him as he tried to collect his thoughts, his final reaction leaving him grumbling over what a damn tease you are and that there was no way he’d settle for the treatment you had just given him.

Mohammed Avdol

- Neither of you were too panicked by the situation thankfully, but there was still an awkwardness between you. Luckily, neither of you were the type to get too handsy and experimental with your comrade’s body so there was a strong bond of trust.  

- “Doesn’t all this clothing get uncomfortable in the heat?” You questioned while on your search for the stand user, making a gesture to his body which was your’s for the time being. It was insanely hot and though you were sure you had a little bit of his endurance, the heat was agonising. “Even your stand uses fire! Doesn’t it bother you at all?”

- Avdol chuckled in response to that, his laugh not being nearly as satisfying and fun to hear as it sounded more like you than the man himself. Shaking his head, he answered casually, “I don’t mind much at all. I was raised in the heat and when you are brought up like that, you grow accustomed to it. Magician’s Red’s ability doesn’t affect me at all either, seeing as he is my stand.” He enjoyed answering your many questions you always seemed to have for him, it made him feel wise and secretly savoured every second the two of you spent alone together. Not only were you good company, but you were deeply treasured in his heart. That was something for another day however.

- “Really?” You were surprised that he could stand this at all. It was already becoming bothersome for you. Instinctively, you took a hold of the bottom of his shirt and pulled it forwards and backwards to make some air flow across your stomach and chest. While doing so, you looked down for a split second to really take in the fact that you were in a whole other person’s body and your breath hitched at the short glimpse you had of his chest. You knew this man was healthy but you had no idea he was that fit. Wasn’t he like a semi-pacifist sorta guy?!

- Your sudden silence had concerned Avdol, leading him to questioning you. “Are you alright, [First Name]?” He was too much of a sweetheart to be real. You forced a smile and nodded, humming a happy reply. The best you could do really when you were too ashamed and surprised that you had seen the body of a god. 

- “Yeah I’m alright! Just checking out the hot body I mean weather! It’s like… really hot. So let’s find the stand user soon so I can feel cool again, haha!” Totally played it off well. Avdol seemed skeptical but he moved on, nodding in agreement with a determined look. You two really did have a goal to complete and fast.

- Even so, he knew what you had done and found it incredibly adorable how worked up it had got you.

Jean Pierre Polnareff

- The moment the shock of your minds switching bodies had subsided, Polanreff’s prioritises had gotten a little jumbled. His arms wrapped around his body, which really meant your’s, caressing each curve and swayed side to side with a dreamy expression. In fairness, he did feel like he was in a dream. He was in your body! It was so soft and perfect and whooo, did he mention soft? This chest was made for loving and supporting a head, and Polnareff was seriously looking for a pillow.

- “Ma cherie, you’re just so gorgeous! You’re so wicked to have kept this from me all this time,” he exaggeratedly complained while his hands still roamed his new, greatly admired body. You on the other hand, were a blushing mess who was trying to get him to stop.

- “Polnareff, please! We need to get going,” you insisted, trying to pull his arms away as you shut your eyes tight to avoid seeing his actions. One pro side of being in his body was adopting his incredible strength. 

- “Ah, oui, we shall go! But please, I need to let you know there is no way I can pass up on admiring this.” Oh please someone stop him now. “I mean, have you seen this rump?” Almost screeching, you slapped a hand over his lips and shook your head quickly with a stressed look. You were going to die of shame before any of Dio’s henchmen or women would even get to your first.

- He stared up at you with confusion before finally letting it sink in just how crude he was being. It wasn’t like he whole heartedly meant to! He just really appreciated your appearance. “Sorry cherie, I suppose I went to far, hm? I just couldn’t help myself.”

- You, unable to stay mad at the french man for longer than even a day, sighed and waved it off, knowing he meant no real harm. “It’s alright but please, we really should try and find a way to revert to our original bodies.”

- “Of course!” He enthusiastically agreed, taking a hold of your hand before starting to march off to whatever direction he so needed to go to - meaning, a random one he picked and prayed for the best. “There’s no way I can truly engross myself with your perfections from a first person’s perspective! As soon as we’re in our bodies, you’ll be showing me everything, cherie!”

- Honestly, you were a little excited by that.

Iggy

- “AAAAAH.” “woof.” “AAAAH” “wOOF?!” “AAAAAA-” “WOOOOO-”

- mother fucker you are a dOG.

[greenninjagal-blog]

Waterspout

 (whoops a spiderverse au)

Summary: Virgil finds himself stuck on the side of a building with an impending storm overhead and he’s helped by an annoying--admittedly attractive--guy.

Totally inspired by @sugarglider9603 ‘s Spiderverse Universe though I took a different spin with it. 

Ship: Prinxiety

Warnings: mild language because Virgil.

Words: 4075

Virgil doesn’t even notice the breeze had picked up until he’s suddenly yanked in the wrong direction as useless as a puppet on a string. He has a total of one second to think the usual “Oh shi--” before his body slams into the sleek surface of an office building some twenty-thirty-forty stories into the air. The air in his chest splutters out, and his shoulder does this weird pop-pop thing that he’s sure its not supposed to do. His hands open on reflex and his web escapes his fingers in his panic-- a panic that nearly swallows him whole because he knew how high he was, and it had taken weeks to get the dropping of his stomach every time he left the solid ground. He scratches at the glass of the window before he manages to get his fingers to stick and stay stuck along with his left knee and his right foot. 

Then when he can, he worries about inhaling. Then he worries about everything else. 

Like the fact that he was a dizzying height in the air, which by the way, was tormented by a series of unexpected cold fronts. He doesn’t remember the forecast saying anything about rain, but the clouds are gathering and the thunder isn’t that much farther behind. The chill of the atmosphere crawls into Virgil’s suit, along with the flecks of teeny tiny suggestions of rain. 

He lets out a curse (on the wind, on the height, on himself).

Okay, let’s start from the beginning: Virgil was an artistic introverted emo. A year ago he was bitten by a radioactive spider-- because honestly that’s just his luck-- and received epic superpowers that he really, really didn’t ask for. Since then, he’s been the one and only Recluse: a spider themed superhero/vigilante who does his best to save the normal people from the baddier people.

The rain starts several seconds later because the universe also hates him. The rain starts, and Virgil guesses he has about five minutes before the window he’s clinging to-- his only available perch-- becomes a slip-n-slide to his death. 

For someone who has a spider sense that tells him when giant rocks, knives, or bullets are coming for him, Virgil feels like he was truly blindsided. By something as finicky as the freaking weather. 

He hisses in pain as he tries to move his arm, the arm that had caught his entire body when he splattered on the window like some cartoon. Oh yeah, it hurt a lot, enough that his entire breath has to hiss out between his teeth and his bottom lip, and he’s pretty sure it shouldn’t be making that Pop-pop-popping sound when he tries to roll it. Spikes of pain shoot straight from his limb to the back of his eyes. 

The rain picks up slowly: fatter, heavier drops, colder chills, sharper winds that slice around his body trying its best to unstick him from his purchase.  

The truth of the situation hits him seconds later: there’s exactly no way he’s going to be able to swing out of here, not with his shoulder crying uncle at the thought of moving and the wind cutting the air in odd unpredictable sections. He’d have better luck trying to plaster his entire body against this window or another of the others and hope the water doesn’t wash him away. 

(because until the popular nursery rhyme, Virgil was pretty sure if he got washed away Officer Dee would be finding his broken body on the roof of some poor saps car. There would be no sitting up from that, much less climbing back up here.)

Suddenly Virgil’s mask feels too tight, his limbs not strong enough, and his heart is beating far too fast. He knew becoming a superhero was a bad idea. Why did he do this? Dee had spent so long telling him all about how Recluse was “just a kid” who was “going to get himself killed one day”. It figured that he would be right about that--this. Virgil is going to get himself killed and he can’t even remember the last thing he said to Dee (though it was probably something along the lines of “I promise I’m not going to go graffiti the old subway station alleys again.”).

He’s so caught up in what he might have, or might not have said, and what his last words were going to be it takes him a moment to realize there’s another noise striking his senses. Really was this spidersense useful for anything--

The window next to him suddenly flicks open, despite the rain that was definitely pouring in. Virgil isn’t sure what to do when a head bravely sticks out into the open air. 

“Hail!” The boy says all smug smiles that Virgil immediately loves hates. “You’re Recluse aren’t you?”

As if there was some other spider themed weirdo who clung to buildings in their free time.

“No,” Virgil says, because he can. What, the citizens of this town have had a year to know him, and they all knew his dislike of social interaction. (They did not know it was because his anxiety flared up, reminding him of how obvious it was that Virgil was Recluse already.)

The boy laughed. He folded his arms on the window sill, completely oblivious to the pouring rain that was matting his brown hair to his face and the spouts that were sure to be getting into his office. “Alright, alright. I guess I deserved that one. Can I ask a question?”

“You just did.” 

The boy’s eyes narrow, his lips pursed together in a way that’s more comical than anything else. If Virgil had to venture a guess, he’d assume that this guy is his age, which does little to explain why he’s some forty floors up on a building Virgil is pretty sure is owned by the government.

“Wow the news was right about you being a smartass.” The boy says, “I was just wondering why you wear a sweatshirt over your suit. It really can’t be practical, and it looks terrible.”

Virgil takes back anything nice he’s thought about this guy. “Excuse me?” 

“What?” He responds as if he can’t believe Virgil would be annoyed at him, “You have a whole edgy look about it! A hero can’t be edgy!”

“Yes they can!”

“Name one!” 

“Batman!”

“Name two!”

Virgil shakes his head, rolling his eyes though the other can’t see at all.  Flicks of water splatter off him, for all the good it does. He can feel his hands starting to tire from holding him up, and the water is slipping between his foot and the glass.

“Why do you care what I wear?” He snaps, “Shouldn’t you be asking why I’m just hanging out up here?”

The boy raises his eye brows as if the idea never occurred to him. He glances back in the office and then back out, with a mischievous smile “I don’t see an issue with you out here. I mean I got a great view through the window over. Anyone ever tell you, you’ve got great calves?”

Virgil unsticks his foot to kick at him. It’s a mistake, and he knows it the second he does it (which is the only reason why this asshole doesn’t taste the rubber of Virgil’s sole). Water runs over the slick surface of the window, thunder booms, and Virgil curses as knee looses its hold and he drops--fuck--until his fingers are the only thing holding him with overextended elbows and a shoulder screaming bloody murder. 

“Oh fuck--” the boy half yells, and jumps back inside. Virgil clings to the idle hope that he’s running to get help. He’s disappointed when the window where he had been dangling flicks open and its only the boy there. He reaches out and catches Virgil’s wrists tightly, cementing them. The window howls. Somewhere not too far off lightning shoots between the clouds, and the resulting thunder shakes the building.

Or maybe that’s Virgil’s body threatening to give up on him. It would be really easy just to free fall to his death at this point. Far easier than trying to fight the agony in his shoulder. 

“Hey!” The boy yells, “Hey, come on! I can’t pull you up by myself!”

“Then don’t,” Virgil forces between his gritted teeth. The boy doesn’t hear, and Virgil isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. He kicks against the window pushing the balls of his feet into the glass and scraping upwards in a pseudo bunny hop. 

The boy yanks his wrists at the same time, perfectly planned and yet not at all.

Virgil juts through the window, colliding face-to- chin with the boy. His rib cage scraps the window sill, and they fall to the floor in a weighty piles of limbs and soaked clothes. 

Virgil curses again, rolling off the boy, and grabbing his shoulder with a twisted expression, “shit.” Because it was definitely going to need to be looked at by a professional, and Virgil hated lying. There wasn’t a good way to explain how he fucked up his shoulder, especially when the truth would get him grounded for life (probably literally).

It takes him another moment to recognize that the boy is laughing. At him.

“What?” Virgil snaps.

“I just saved Recluse,” He says as if that was some kind of accomplishment. “That makes me a hero!”

“It really doesn’t,” he responds just to make that stupid smug smile go away. He wishes the adrenaline would fade already because he can’t think when his heart is beating this fast.

“I’m Roman,” He says offering a hand, “I figured you should know, since were fellow heroes.”

“Saving me does not make you a hero.”

“Of course it does,” Roman says disregarding his sour tone with a flick of his hand. “You save people, I saved you, therefore I saved all those people too.”

“That’s not--” Virgil sucks in a breath and counted to ten like his old guidance counselor had told him to do. He punched evil guys in the face all the time, and yet this Roman character managed to get under his skin more than anyone else. He glances around at the office they’re in-- a cubical that looked pretty standard of some pencil pusher. It reminded him of Logan’s dorm room: all neat and orderly and so, so boring. 

Minus the puddle that Virgil and Roman were creating in the center of the room. The rain pattered on the windowsill soaking some wastebasket and dripping onto the floor.

“Oh shit,” Virgil said, because he really didn’t need another reason for someone to hate him. 

Roman looked down and then shrugged off the water. “whoops!” He grinned, getting up and closing the window. “Good thing this isn’t my place.”

“You’re place?” Virgil repeated. Water dribbles down his mask, distorting his view of Roman for a second. 

Roman waves him off, “I’m here often enough that they gave me my own cubical, you know next door.” He smirks, “Still has a great view.”

Virgil fights his blush and fails, but it’s okay because Roman can’t see him anyway. He slowly pushes himself up to his knees and then manages to get himself standing without aggravating his shoulder anymore. If he’s lucky Patton will be asleep by the time Virgil climbs into the room again and he’ll have until tomorrow morning to figure out how to explain it to his best friend and roommate. (Because Virgil knew that both Logan and Patton would be against him doing anything superhero-ish so they had not been informed of where Virgil went on his daily trips out of the school.)

((Actually now that he thought about it, there was literally no one in his life that would approve of what he was doing. They would all tell him to stop before he got himself actually killed.))

“You work here?” Virgil asks.

“hm? Oh nah!” Roman laughs, “No way. This place would kill me.” He motions around the room to prove his point “So dreadfully boring. I was born for the stage!” He poses in what Virgil supposes is a dramatic pose. 

He doesn’t say that Roman definitely looks like he was born for the stage. Because Virgil definitely doesn’t notice that his eyes are a fiery brown made so with a passion, that there are slight crinkles around his eyes from lots of laughter, that his laugh itself is loud and booming and Virgil feels his heart do a stutter at the sound of something so freaking perfect. He doesn’t look like a Prince swooping out of no where to save the day. He doesn’t.

“Whatever you say Princey.” Virgil tells him, and then panics because what the fuck Virgil.

“Princey?” Roman repeats with smug smirk, “Are you my damsel in distress then Recluse? I wouldn’t mind.”

“Of course you wouldn’t mind,” Virgil rolls his eyes so hard his head tilts enough for Roman to know what he was doing. “You don’t have a brain to mind with.”

Roman gasps offended. Virgil cheers himself on.

“How could you say something so mean to the person who just saved your life?”

“How could I not?” Virgil huffs, “You just pulled me into this building. Isn’t this owned by the Government? Don’t you need a clearance level to get in here?”

“Rules are meant to be broken!” Roman cries dramatically, then he shivers, visibly.

It’s then that Virgil realizes that they are both soaked to the core, standing in the middle of an air conditioned cubical. His own freaky spider healing ability was probably keeping him from totally freezing, but Roman was not as lucky. 

“Oh man,” Virgil says lamely, “Do you have something dry to change into?”

Roman scoffs a laugh that’s nothing if not awkward. “What? Eager to see me undress, Recluse?”

Virgil is doing the blushy blotch thing that he hates he does when he’s flustered, but he’s pretty sure Roman’s ears are turning dark red so at least he’s not alone. Virgil splutters some series consonants and vowels that’s not actually English but close enough.

“Look, just--” Virgil grunts, turning away from him because he can’t speak when he’s looking at the wannabe actor. “I’m not going to be responsible for you getting a cold because of me!”

Roman shivers again, a thing that makes his entire frame jerk, and his shovels his hands under his arm pits and retains a copy of his smile. “Aw you care.”

“Shut up,” Virgil says without the heat he meant it to.

“Aren’t you cold?” 

“I’m part spider.”

“I’m part Italian.”

“What?”

“What?”

They both stare at each other, and Virgil shakes his head when Roman ducks his. Their laughs mix somewhere in the middle. When Virgil looks back at him Roman is staring at him with some sort of unreadable expression on his face. His cheeks were definitely dusted pink now.

“What?” Virgil asks again.

“I was--you--uh--” Roman’s mouth opens and closes twice before he seems to find the words he’s looking for, “do you have a phone?”

Virgil isn’t sure what he was expecting. He’s also unsure why he isn’t running far, far away by now. He chalks it up to the exhaustion from the near death experience. “Why?”

“I, uh, think you’re a--uh-- rather dashing sort of fellow,” Roman says, “I was--hoping-- I could, presumably, uh, obtain your number.”

“Is this a joke?” 

Roman stiffens with panicked look on his face, “No! NO! I would never! I mean it when I say I think you’re amazing, even if no one else thinks so! The way you save people all day and never ask for anything in return-- and even if you’re hard to approach and you make me doubt everything I say-- I still think you’re really cool. I’d like to be your friend.”

There are a million reasons for Virgil to say no. Most of them involve a certain amount of “it’s not safe” and “what if anyone ever found out”. 

“I won’t tell if you don’t!” Roman says and Virgil has a hard time not believing him. He looks earnest, trustworthy. Virgil wonders if he hit his head when he slammed into the window or if he’s actually getting sick.

“I’m not telling you my real name.” Virgil warns him.

Roman has the decency to look embarrassed, “I didn’t expect you, too! It wouldn’t matter anyway.” He mutters the last part under his breath.

Virgil is about to ask what that means when there’s a resounding ding of elevator doors somewhere not far away. Roman’s eyes grow wide and his hisses a noise from his teeth. 

“Hide!” 

“What?” Virgil says.

“Roman?” Another voice makes the hair on the back of Virgil’s neck rise. He has just enough time to panic--he’s really good at panicking-- before the telltale click of heel on the tile floor catches up with them and a woman glances into their cubical. Her eyes fall on Roman, and then search the rest of the cubical, looking straight at Virgil and moving on.

“Roman,” She says, “What are you doing in here--and why are you all wet?”

Roman glances between Virgil and her for a second before his posture closes and he rubs the back of his neck with mock sheepishment. “The window was open, auntie. I came in here to close it and it was harder than I thought it would be.”

She doesn’t look convinced. “It was...open?” She glanced around the room again, “No came in right? You haven’t seen anyone?”

Roman laughs, and Virgil’s impressed by his acting ability, “Of course not. We’re on the forty third floor. Who would be climbing in this building this high?”

That seems to calm her down. “Sorry, its just that the technology we’re working on is highly classified. I just clocked out for the day, so we can go now.”

“Really?” Roman says.

“What’s wrong? Every other day you’re begging me to leave! Plus we need to get you in dry clothes and rested up for the big day tomorrow!” 

Roman gives another look towards Virgil-- well through Virgil, because he can’t see something that’s invisible. It had been a private joke that Virgil had kept to himself: that he an introverted artist with anxiety was barely noticed in a crowd as it was and now he could literally turn invisible when he panicked. 

“Yeah,” Roman says. He turns away and he exits the cubical. Virgil stays still long after his chattering has faded and he’s left he building. He wonders if he’s ever going to see him again. For a superhero was a secret identity and an introvert with anxiety, the answer is surprisingly disappointing.

“Seriously Virge!” Patton whines, “Skateboarding in the abandoned subway rails?” He looks at the dislocated shoulder that Virgil just had set by the school nurse. “Kiddo, you’re going to be the death of me!”

“Sorry Pat,” Virgil tells his roommate.

Patton sighs and tussles Virgil’s hair because that was the type of person Patton was. “I’m sorry too kiddo. I’m not mad, I just worry. A lot.”

Virgil knows this, because he had been Patton’s roommate since he had come to the Sanders Academy for the Gifted (which was funny because Virgil got in for his art and now he really is gifted-- with superpowers). Patton had luckily been asleep when Virgil had made it back into the room, long after the storm had cleared by doing a strange super dangerous swing with one arm and his webshooter. 

“Oh shoot!” Patton exclaims looking at his watch, “We’re late!”

“Late?”

Patton blinks, “Logan’s new dorm-mate is moving in today! I promised we’d be there to help them get settled in!”

Virgil tugs the zipper of his jacket--which was still a little damp, but he was ignoring it. It wasn’t like anyone was going to recognize it. “Both of us?” He says quietly, which he knows sounds like a plea, and it is: a plea to Patton to let him skip out on meeting new people for the day.

Recluse could, because Recluse could just snarl at the people he didn’t like and swing away. Virgil could not.

Patton takes his hand off the zipper and links their fingers in a way that is brazenly lovingly-- because Pat had a lot of love to give to everyone. “I’ll be right here the entire time, I promise. We can just go say hi, and then we can go hang out in our room until class starts.”

Virgil is not a people person. But Patton is giving him the puppy dog eyes that haunts Virgil’s dreams. He hates denying Patton anything he wants. When he agrees the smile that lights up Patton’s face is almost enough to drown out the cannon ball sized dread in his stomach. 

Logan’s room is right across from theirs anyway. It is a simple thing to duck out of anything that happens and both Patton and Logan are kind enough that they can explain Virgil’s in depth issues with--

The door to Logan’s room is open, but Patton knocks and enters anyway. Virgil stops short because there is no way that this is happening. 

Logan is OCD, even if he denies it. His room is neat and orderly and perfect. Everything has its place and he starts to lose it when things aren’t where they belong. Virgil tries to avoid going in his room if he can help it, because he’s terrified of messing something up. 

His new roommate appears to be the opposite, if just from the stacks of haphazardly placed boxes in the room. Its too much stuff, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Logan does and he looks absolutely terrible: as if he’s about to short circuit at any second. Virgil can relate.

Because standing in the middle of Logan’s room is Roman. Roman. The same Roman who had saved Virgil’s life yesterday night. The same Roman who had sat there and talked to him while they were soaked. The same Roman who had asked for his number.

Roman looks up from whatever he’s saying at Patton’s entrance with that smug smile that makes Virgil’s heart jump and this time he can’t blame it on the adrenaline. 

“Hi!” Patton says.

“Greetings!” Roman booms, “I’m Roman, Actor!” He gives a bow to Patton that makes him giggle-- but he freezes when he sees Virgil standing there behind the glowing Patton. 

“Roman?” Logan asks, worried despite his internally barely hidden frustration. He makes a motion like he’s about to unpack on of the boxes and just barely stops himself.

Roman doesn’t respond. Instead that stupid smile widens just a bit as he nods to Virgil, which makes no sense because he doesn’t know Virgil is Recluse, “That’s a terrible jacket. Completely impractical.”

Virgil can’t make a noise-- he really can’t. Because Roman shouldn’t be here, much less recognize him from this jacket of all things. And Roman does recognize him, because there’s a playful twinkle in his eyes and Virgil couldn’t get their conversation out of his head if he tried.

He doesn’t dare try.

“Excuse you!” Patton exclaims, “How dare you insult my--”

He trails off at the sound of laughter. Virgil is as surprised as he is to find its his own. 

“Shut up, Princey.” Virgil manages, goes for intimidating but he knows he failed, “No one asked you.”

“This won’t do!” Roman says, “I’m going to have to save your fashion sense as well as your life!”

“Pardon,” Logan cuts in, fixing his glasses, “You two have met? Roman has saved your life Virgil?”

“Yes, just last night--”

“Skateboarding!” Virgil cuts in, a bit too loud, a bit too quickly, “I was skateboarding! In the subway alleys!”

Roman laughs slightly. Virgil is worried for just a second that he isn’t going to go with it, but its misplaced worry. “Right, Skateboarding. I happened to be walking along there as well. We talked for a bit. I don’t think I quite caught your number. Mind if we rectify that?”

Patton seems to burst with happiness. “Kiddo! You didn’t tell me you made a friend!” He wraps Virgil in a hug.

Logan looks less convinced.

Roman looks perfect.

Virgil realizes at this point Roman is a waterspout, and Virgil was completely unprepared for it. But Virgil thinks he doesn’t mind being washed away.

[aliceslantern]

Beyond this Existence, Counterpoint, chapter 11

Summary:  After being recompleted, Ienzo vows to do everything in his power to atone for the atrocities he committed in the past. But this life hasn't been easy, and he's plagued with memories and nightmares. When Demyx suddenly reappears, the two discover that they have more in common than they thought, though the secrets in their past might tear them apart. Zemyx (Demyx/Ienzo), post kh3

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

It seemed to grow piercingly cold all at once. The next day they ended up having to go to the market for warmer clothing. Four days had passed, between sleep and trauma. Ienzo found himself dreading to return to the research, which was unusual. He wanted to help Sora, desperately, but at the same time, he’d been experiencing so much--good and bad--lately that he wasn’t sure he could have a clear head.

He would just have to try his best, and, if need be, ask for help. He’d finally started to make some progress, after all.

The day passed quickly and relatively peacefully. Ienzo did feel a lot better, no longer plagued by the headaches and dizziness that had no doubt been a result of sleep deprivation. His anxiety, too, was much more manageable, though he guessed this might be because he was spending so much time with Demyx.

Ienzo was in love.

As a teenage Nobody, he’d read some romance novels, mostly to try and gain some insight as to what this all meant in the world, especially for the Somebodies he’d been put in charge of observing or manipulating. He’d always found such descriptions of love melodramatic and overblown, lacking grounding in reality. Of course, the fact that most of these novels were written for heterosexual couples might change things too.

He felt the precise opposite of that dissociative, codependent infatuation. He’d hardly ever felt more awake, and more himself. Maybe that was why he was so afraid to leave the safety of this week. This stability and peace was so very tenuous.

Demyx helped him make dinner. He tried to take the instructions Ienzo gave him, he really did, but his knife cuts were not very clean or uniform. Ienzo couldn’t help but wonder how Demyx had been raised. With some things he was so practical and capable, but yet he couldn’t dice onions.

“Why’d you learn to cook?” Demyx asked him.

Ienzo checked the recipe. They were making a sort of bouillabaisse. He measured out a few different spices. “Perhaps you’ve noticed, but we apprentices tend to view our bodies more as vessels for the mind more than anything else. The meals I were raised on were nutritious, but bland. It frustrated me when I was younger, so I did research.” He shrugged. “It’s something I enjoy doing. Objective. Harmless.” It was the closest to artistry he could get.

Demyx pointed to the still-fading scar on his hand.

“ Largely harmless,” he corrected. “More so than my other research. Are those carrots ready?” That brought him, inevitably, to spiraling about Sora. He had to be careful. But wasn’t time of the essence? The more time Ienzo spent away from his work, the farther Sora was drifting from all of them. Ienzo reached over and corrected Demyx’s cuts before mixing them into the pot.

“Are you beating yourself up again?” Demyx asked. “We’ve talked about this.”

“You always ask questions about me. That doesn’t seem fair. Tell me more about you.”

He started slicing down the potatoes in front of him. “There’s not a whole lot to know,” he said. “You know about as much about me as I do.”

“...So you haven’t remembered anything else?” Demyx’s heart should be complete by now. This amnesia was concerning. Was it all trauma and repression? Or had Xehanort’s heart done more damage to him than they’d originally thought? But then Even’s memories should be scattered too, and by all accounts they weren’t. Worry tightened in his throat.

He sighed. “There is one thing,” he said. “Um, it’s kind of a doozy though.”

Ienzo looked up. Really it had only been a month or so since Demyx’s return. Did he just need time? “Pray tell.”

Demyx set down the knife.  “Well. Don’t freak out. But--”

Ansem’s voice broke the moment. “Oh, boys, that smells absolutely incredible.”

“Ienzo did all the work,” Demyx said without making eye contact. “I’m just moral support.”

“That’s not true. He’s trying,” Ienzo said. “It’ll be ready in about an hour. I hope you’ll be joining us?”

“I shall.” He paused slightly. “You look much improved. Perhaps I shall take a page out of Demyx’s book.”

“I am… feeling rather better.” This was the first time Ienzo had spoken to Ansem since he’d found out about the relationship. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t awkward. It had been all too easy to avoid him, lest he feel the need to give his two cents, or worse, try to feign parenting. When it came to something this personal, he did not need unsolicited advice.

“And you were both able to find good things for winter?”

“Yeah. Thanks again,” Demyx said.

Ansem smiled. “Like I said, I wish for you to be comfortable here. Winters in Radiant Garden can be… bracing, if one is not used to it. I can feel it even now. Perhaps, Demyx, if you wouldn’t mind, you can help Aeleus light the boilers sometime in the next coming days?”

Demyx blinked. “I don’t know why I’d be the right one for the job.”

“He needs assistance. I’m afraid with all of us tied up in our work, and Dilan still acting as guard, we’re one pair of hands short.”

“I’m happy to help,” Demyx mumbled. He turned back to his potatoes.

Awkwardness aside, Ienzo wanted to ask about the state of the research. No doubt Ansem had been investigating as well. It took a great deal of restraint not to ask. The model's face, so alive, so like the real thing, flashed behind his eyes. He felt recovered, but that didn’t mean he was. Still, his hands trembled.

“I shall see you in an hour,” Ansem said.

“I’ll hold you to it,” Ienzo said. He added some thyme to the soup. “Well. What is it you wanted to tell me?”

“...Nothing. It can wait.” He smiled.

“So you’re happy to help,” Ienzo said. Flirting was new to him, but he liked it. A new and unexplored use of wit. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to talk up Master Ansem, or if I’ve been a good influence on you.”

He seemed to hesitate, but really only for a fraction of a second. “Neither. It really is cold as fuck in here!”

“I’m afraid even with the heating it doesn’t get much better. This place is very old, poorly insulated. You’d better brace yourself. Though admittedly… it occurs to to me there is one way to keep warm.” Before he could lose his nerve, Ienzo kissed him. Part of him wondered, briefly, if he was only doing this to distract himself; warmth and want chased off the anxiety. Humanity was so manipulable. He'd always wondered why.

“Ienzo!” Demyx gasped in surprise.

He felt his face warm. “When this week ends, we won’t have that much time together,” Ienzo said.

He brushed a finger against Ienzo's lip.  “I’m not going to let you overwork yourself like that again. You can’t get rid of me.”

“Is that a promise?”

Demyx kissed him back equally as deeply, pulling his fingers through his hair and trailing down to his throat. The only thing that interrupted them was the loud sloshing as the pot boiled over. Ienzo swore and dropped the burner’s heat to “low.” “Later?” Demyx asked.

Another surge of anticipation, stronger this time. “Later.”

After all that, dinner was a bit of a fiasco. The food came out alright, despite the cream overheating. The apprentices’ old hierarchy was still very much in place; thinking nothing of it, Demyx had sat next to Ienzo, not realizing it was Even’s place. Nobody really outwardly commented, though Dilan did smirk. He’d always been a glutton for drama. Seeing them all here, gathered together, Ienzo felt something akin to embarrassment. The truth of their relationship had already been revealed, but to have it acknowledged added a strange layer of tension to the air. This sort of thing had never happened before.

“I see you’re feeling well, Ienzo,” Even said sweetly. “What is it you’ve both done to keep yourselves busy?”

The impudence of this made the blood rise in his face, but Ienzo replied pleasantly, paring the truth down to something palatable and non-incriminating.

“I am sure we’re all glad to see you back in good health,” Even said to him. “I just hope that this new development does not cloud your judgement going forward. To be young and… caught up in such matters, can no doubt impede your critical thinking. However natural it is.”

Demyx’s eyes flashed, but he said nothing.

Ienzo set down the cup of tea he was drinking. “Clearly you have thought on the subject, and I appreciate your concern. But I feel as though I am just as able to take on my research as I ever were. Not that I have asked for your advice. Should you have more to say on the matter, please let us discuss it in private.”

Even turned faintly pink.

“You needn’t worry about me anymore,” Ienzo said, a bit more gently. “I… I’m not the little boy I was.”

Even shook his head. “I will always worry about you,” he said. “After all, I’ve so much time to make up for.”

After a rather pregnant silence, Demyx cleared his throat. “Anyone want seconds?”

They both did the dishes. Ienzo was extra cautious to make sure that no knives were lying around. They returned to his room, though the mood from before had been spoiled. Demyx sat on the bed.  Ienzo turned towards the window, looking out at the town wreathed in fading light. “I must apologize for Even. It was incredibly rude for him to be so suggestive.”

Demyx joined him. “Why? Everyone knows.”

“They used to be… quite protective of me,” he said, with a shake of his head.

“I think it’s nice they care so much about you.”

“They don’t… dislike you,” he said. He flinched at the double negative.

“They think I'm not good enough for you. And they're right."

Ienzo took his hand and sat down next to him. “I don’t think you understand the impact you’ve had on me,” he said quietly. “If it were not for you, I’d still be there, miserable and working myself to death, unable to find any value in myself aside from needing to atone. I… I know the mistakes I made cannot be undone, but I… I’m better. Destroying myself isn’t going to fix what I did. You’ve… brought me back to reality. And if they don’t realize that, then they’re worse off. I wish they could see what I see in you. Your kindness, your patience, your emotional intelligence.”

Demyx shook his head.

“Healing is a slow, tedious, constant process. You can’t allow yourself to get caught up in moments like these. They don’t matter.” He touched Demyx’s face. “You do. We do.”

Demyx blushed. “I didn’t realize you were such a romantic,” he said.

“I… still have a few things to learn.” He kissed him gently.

Intimacy was still new and shocking to him, though at least he had somewhat of an idea of what to expect. Ienzo didn’t want to be so passive this time. He pulled his legs around Demyx’s waist and kissed him along the throat, along the soft spot that always made he himself feel weak. Demyx responded by pulling him down on top of him.

"I admit," Ienzo whispered. "All of this is... very new to me still. But I think I'm starting to understand."

Ienzo wondered if he should tell him, if he should say it out loud. But he had to know already. Everything he’d just said meant ten times more. He felt Demyx reach for the buttons of his pants and figured maybe now was not the time for talking. Clothing having been dealt with, Ienzo touched him, rivers of veins and muscle and bone, and scars. He kissed them and found that he’d been right about it also being pleasurable for Demyx, if the reaction he felt meant anything. He could feel it too, heavy and delicious and impermanent. To a degree, what Even said about this muddying thought was completely accurate. But was it such a sin to try and stop thinking for a few moments? The hand he'd been propping himself up with tightened against the sheets. "I want to..." Ienzo's voice sounded strange, a little like someone else's. "I want to do this for you. I--" His experience with such frustration was minimal, but he couldn't imagine it was easy.

He bit his lip a little and brushed Ienzo's hair out of his eyes. "If you're not ready--"

His face burned feverishly. He could only imagine how ridiculous he must look. "I am ready. And I want to. I just... I'm not, technically speaking, sure how?" He should probably try it on himself one of these days, if only to know the difference in sensation, but the thought was so jarring he pushed it away.

Demyx laughed a little. "Do you remember what I did to you?"

He nodded. The memory of it almost made him gasp out loud.

"Something like that."

He smiled shakily. "This isn't really something you read about in books."

"I guess it wouldn't be."

This shouldn't be difficult. He wanted to do it, to make him feel good as well. Yet finding the nerve took some time. Ienzo kissed him. He tried to will the trembling in his hands to stop. His hand brushed against Demyx's waist and hip and thigh. The scarred skin was warm. Demyx kissed him harder, his hand tangling in Ienzo's hair. This distraction was enough for him to touch his (what was it called in such moments? Wasn't "penis" too medical?) dick. The skin there was softer than he though, more natural. At least it was somewhat familiar in terms of structure. He stroked it gently and heard a small sound catch in Demyx's throat.

Ienzo pulled away from the kiss. "Was that alright?"

He nodded, unable to catch his breath. "Just a little bit more towards the--"

He tried to oblige. There was a sort of pleasure in doing this. He felt Demyx start to touch him too and tried to copy that. The awkward self-consciousness began to fade, replaced with the same lovely thoughtlessness as before. It was amazing that the body was capable of such pure joy. Little waves of it broke over him, heightening the tension within. He wove the trust and love into his touch and felt the same in return. The vulnerability did not feel so much like a weakness as a strength. It was okay. The rising, tightening feeling in him was recognizable now. He tried briefly to hold it back, but the need for release was just too tempting. He heard Demyx gasp as he came against him.

“I see,” Ienzo said softly, pressing a kiss into his sweaty brow. “It really is simpler than I thought.” The stress had been for naught.

Demyx lay back. “I swear this is not indicative of how long I usually last.”

Ienzo laughed. He shifted off of him, onto his side. “So do you feel better?”

“ So much better.”

He did too. The utter lack of anxiety was intoxicating. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He leaned against him. “You’ve been so patient with me.”

“It wasn’t all for you. Everything feels so different than it normally does. Plus I… I’m not used to the emotional part of it.”

“The sense of connection is… certainly unique. If I’ve learned anything, emotions are always capable of becoming more overwhelming. No matter their strength.”

Demyx hummed in response. For few minutes, or however long they remained knotted up together, he felt perfectly at peace. If there was anything to worry about, there was a later in which to do it.

“What the hell is that?” Demyx asked.

“My gummiphone. Though I have no idea who would be calling.” He got up and pulled on a robe, then reached into his lab coat pocket for the phone. “I’m sorry. I have to see who it is. Hello?”

“Ienzo? Are you busy?” Roxas’s voice, garbled.

“No, I’m not. What is it?”

It was hard to tell exactly what he was saying. Something about “worldlines.” Anxiety, or panic, made Roxas speak quickly.

“Slow down. The signal is not very good.”

“Are there universes other than this one? Like parallel universes? Xehanort mentioned something about worldlines but when I tried to ask Ansem about it he didn’t answer.”

That was so like Ansem. He probably hadn’t even heard the phone ring. “Well I do suppose it’s possible but I’ve had no insight this past week as to what he’s been up to, I fell ill and was resting--” He only knew about the Worldlines Theory vaporously--because it was just that, theory.

“Are you sick?”

“No, I’m alright now. And yourself? You sound distressed.”

“I mean I think I am? And then Riku went over to Yen Sid to ask more about it, and well, he said it’s possible, especially with the power of waking. They said Sora broke the rules of the power and walked between worlds. So they think that, if he’s done that, he’s in another worldline. Ienzo, do you know anything?”

Yes. Yes, it was all making sense. How had he not even taking the power of waking into account? He’d assumed it had all to do with hearts. He’d been wrong. “I understand,” he said woodenly. “I’m afraid if that’s the situation then… I’ll try my best, but you must realize the prognosis is not good.”

“Can you check in your research? See if anyone knows anything?”

“Yes, I’ll let you know. Try and take care.” He hung up. His mind was spinning but no good thoughts came from it. He sat down on the bed.

“What happened?” Demyx asked. “Who was that?”

“It was Roxas. They think Riku’s got a lock on Sora’s location.”

“But isn’t that… good? Then why are you both upset?”

Ienzo was wringing his hands. “Because he’s not in this reality. We’ve no way to get him back. Wherever he is… he’s there, alone. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

[alivingroomatthebottomofalake]

TOP 50 ALBUMS OF 2018

This year I took a different approach to last year. Instead of seeking out as much music as I could and trying to absorb it all so I could make a comprehensive list of highlights, this year I just let myself gravitate towards the things I knew interested me, and let the things that really grabbed me stay on rotation for as long as I needed them to. Some albums became easy favourites, and while there's some albums on here that I admittedly spent a lot less time with than others, I honestly think that all of these releases have been influential for me in someway, and represent some of the most exciting and interesting listening experiences released this year. The order is super loose. I don't have a score/rating system and I don't care. They go more or less in order of things that I listened to most often, or things I got recently that blew my head off. I am limiting my descriptions to a short 50 words or so. I'll avoid talking about genre as much as possible, and hopefully you'll be compelled to seek out some of these releases yourself.

1. Tropical Fuck Storm - A Laughing Death in Meatspace

If you want huge fucking noisy guitar sounds and ear scraping riffs, witty and memorable lyrics, arrangements that will continue to surprise, and a raw uncompromising attitude, this is it. This album feels unabashedly Melbourne, and maybe that’s what I connect with, but it's so brutally cynical and honestly so, without any conceited hipster bullshit. It sounds so fresh. Nothing is held back, it’s full throttle creativity, and that's how punk rock should be. 

Favourite tracks: Antimatter Animals, Soft Power, You Let my Tires Down.

2. John Zorn - The Urmuz Epigrams

Playing most of the instruments himself, Zorn has constructed some challenging, weird and thoroughly beautiful collages of sound, transmuting it into a music that will entice and entrance. The pieces are assembled from instrumental improvisations and field recordings, scattered with little miniatures of melody, and some sweet percussion from Ches Smith. It feels like he's really exploring sound in a new way here, it's the most fresh thing he's released in a long time, and for a guy with such a history, that may be saying something. He has brought his compositional mastery to the studio and taken a divergent step towards something exciting. It's a really dense and rewarding listen, and yet I can't wait for more of this.

Favourite tracks: This Piano Lid Serves as a Wall. Then Again, Who Amongst Us Can Complain.

3. Death Grips - Year of the Snitch

Death Grips deliver yet another shocker of filthy bombast. It's a very noisy, intense, and a very weird album by their usual standards. I feel like the group have completely transcended any/all attempts to categorise them. The "experimental hiphop" and "punk rap" type assessments are completely inadequate for a band of this calibre. They have put so much more into their music, and come through as a unique and unstoppable beast. This album effortlessly mixes up the noisy rockier side of their personality with the beatsy electronic stuff, and the vocals/lyrics are intense and obscure as ever, making it an exhilarating album of surprises. It's a totally wild ride from start to finish. This band just can't do anything wrong for me.

Favourite tracks: Flies, Black Paint, Streaky.

4. Senyawa - Sujud

Wow. Just wow. When this came out a couple months ago, I was floored. It's all the kinds of perfect you can imagine music being. It's mysterious as fuck, it's deeply moving, and it oscillates masterfully between warm and kind, to dense and ugly and intense. I have been lucky enough to experience the Indonesian duo Senyawa live in the past, and it was a fucking mind blower to say the least. This album follows on from that experience with amazing new ideas. The vocals are incredible. Rully Shabara can go so deep, it's an imposing sound, authoritative yet calming. His highs are otherworldly and beautiful. How well the voice moves around in the space of each composition is truly the charm of Shabara's skill. The versatility of instrumentalist Wukir Suryadi is also on display in this album, performing on a number of instruments, and crafting some unique moods in which to submerge your psyche. I'm a big fan of their smooth, warm, kind and meditative tracks, but I love it for the grit, the extremes they reach make this album phenomenal.

Favourite tracks: Penjuru Menyatu (Unified Counters), Tanggalkan Di Dunia (Undo The World), Sujud (Prostration).

5. Johanna Sulkunen Sonority - Koan

Finnish vocalist and sound artist Johanna Sulkunen created this gorgeous album, recorded in various Zen Buddhist temples around Japan. The music is all electronically processed arrangements of these temple recordings, with a big emphasis on the artist's voice, and the manipulation of the voice in space. Each track seems to focus on a single simple idea, and explore it beyond any sense of musical logic or tradition/formal process. So each piece in turn becomes a kind of sound koan, a question asked not to find an answer, but to understand that in the act of doing the question fades away and the truth emerges, often not the kind you were looking for. So it is with listening to this album, listening translates to an embodied understanding of the music, where the music emerges in ways you aren't prepared for. When it does, that moment is clear and joyous. It's a kind of avant-garde meditation really.

Favourite tracks: Shosen, Perfection, The Wind Moves.

6. Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith - Abstractions

Abstractions is a single long (22 minutes) piece of modular synthesizer music, that ebbs and flows and blips and pops it's way from surprising sound and riff to more bizarre surprising sounds and blips, fading between a series of beautiful and strange ideas that constantly feel like all manner of sanity is unraveling, yet still masterfully held together. Each gesture  evokes shape and colour, the interplay of contrasting of sounds raises questions that otherwise might be overlooked. The balance of repetitive arpeggios and melodic material with the squelchy, almost cartoon like sound fx punctuating and dancing around the sound field, see-saws to and fro, never at rest, always at play. It's a really fun and playful music with lots of intrigue.

7. Thembi Soddel - Love Songs

Don't freak out, yep this is the album you put on, don't let the title fool you. Is there nothing more obnoxious and self indulgent than another fucking love song? How often I put on the radio only to here the most childish, and often misogynistic, cliches recycled in the name of "love". This album says fuck that. Soddel has created an epic record that explores the tensions and drama of love and relationships, using suspense and bursts of noise to articulate trauma and manipulation, all the bullshit that hides behind the closed doors of the seemingly pure intentions espoused in love songs. Sonically, it's a tour de force. Opening from silence, the sound takes ages to emerge, but the wild ride and aural and physical brutality that ensues is incredible. It's also (from a formal/compositional point of view) fucking beautiful music.

Favourite track: Who's To Blame?

8. Efrim Manuel Menuck - Pissing Stars

It's really beautiful to hear an artist trying new things like this. Coming from a guitar/post rock back ground, but on this album trying his hand at modular synth (and conveniently listing all the modules in the credits for the nerds playing at home), Menuck has sculpted some incredible songs from the ether of voltages. His vocal style, which I've loved him for in previous projects (SMZ stuff in particular) is on point as usual, and the balance of personal and political lyrical content is also on point. I'm a big fan of the way the songs evolve and grow with the the drones and soundscapes, and don't get trapped or watered down by trying to be songs. Everything feels loose enough and free enough, but in control. It's dynamic and strange and dense, and yet melodic and soulful, and full of nuance and subtleties. 

Favourite tracks: Black Flags Ov Thee Holy Sonne, The State And Its Love And Genoicide, Kills v. Lies, The Beauty Of Children And The War Against The Poor.

9. Hekla - Á

I was so fortunate to see Hekla perform live recently in Iceland. It was a beautiful concert, and her voice and theremin playing were both captivating. Hekla performs more or less all the sounds on the album with only a theremin and some fx processing - namely loops, pitch shift/ harmoniser, and delays. The compositions are built around quite simple phrases, that allow space for her voice to be really emotive, and allowing room for more complex layers of theremin melody to take the limelight in the interludes between verses. The album is beautifully produced, and totally does the memory of the concert justice. Most of the songs are quite slow, and mellow, with a kind of melancholy to them. It feels very Icelandic in that sense.

Favourite tracks: Muddle, Hatur, Í Felum.

10. Jon Hassell - Listening To Pictures (Pentimento Volume One)

The idea of painting with sound, while not so new, is also not quite as often explored so literally. Hassell paints, and paints over ideas, layering up moods and genres, showing us one thing, and blurring it into something else. As a trumpet player, and at 81 years old, Hassell is still sounding hip as all fuck, but as a composer of electronic music, this album is quite new and special. Somehow, all the combinations - the jazz, the ambient, the electronic and Afrocentric percussion/beat driven ideas, the more abstract and textural synth stuff - it still all blends into something completely original, which continues on from Hassell's own unique "4th world" style of music. I'm really impressed, and as it's "volume 1", i'm really looking forward to more from him.

Favourite tracks: Picnic, Pastorale Vassant, Ndeya

11. Badskin - Where Was I?

Badskin is Melbourne based guitarist/sound artist Carla Oliver. Her new album is a gorgeous balance of subdued, floating melodies, drifting through impeccably crafted atmospheres. Utilising a broad range of sound sources, including the tinkling of bells and washing and swelling of cymbals, other more striking percussion,  running water and whispering voices, gurgling synthesizers, and lots of gorgeously processed unrecognisable sounds that shift and move harmoniously to give the album its more musical qualities. The whole record kind of melts over you, like an evening mist, everything is obscured and dreamlike, and the effect is beautiful.

Favourite tracks: 3, 4.

12. YoshimiO, Susie Ibarra, Robert Aiki Aubrey Lowe – Flower of Sulphur

This year a lot of artists who I adore got together for collaborative albums, and none of which did I anticipate more greatly than this trio. And not because I expected anything more amazing than usual, but because it seemed like such an odd combo, and knowing each performer's work so well, hearing them in this kind of context, I had no idea how it would work. The album is 4 tracks, live, and all improvised. Thus it comes with all the ecstasy and trepidation of a first meeting improv, with things being explored, players really listening and feeling out the space. There never seems to be full blown apprehension, but the players are deeply sensitive improvisors, and as such, the music is continually made fresh and becomes joyous to indulge in. Also, it being an album of drums, voice, and modular synth all coming together makes this the ideal record for someone like me. I'm glad to know that they've continued to perform since this first record and I hope they release something down the line to document how far they may have come.

Favourite tracks: Bbb, Ccc.

13. John Zorn - The Book Beri'ah

Zorn has brought the Masada project to a close with this final release of 11 albums (which I am reviewing as the box set because reasons). In a similar vein to the Book of Angels series, Zorn has selected 11 different ensembles to arrange the compositions. This means obviously some albums are going to be very different to others, and personally I've enjoyed most of it, but some less so. Disc 1 by Sofia Rei and JC Maillard is definitely a favourite. With beautiful words set to Zorn's melodies, the whole thing feels like a global music fiesta, bridging the Jewish influence with a South American folk style that feels so right it's almost unbelievable. Disc 2 by Cleric is a complete departure, with some of the most brutal jazz infused metal, it's perfectly wrong, and probably my favourite in the set. The Secret Chiefs 3 disc is very much what you would expect from Trey Spruance and co, and it's also a highlight, although I feel it's different to (and maybe not as awesome as) their Book of Angels release, it's still as varied and exciting. These three discs alone would all make this set worth the purchase even if the rest were terrible (they're not). But I won't go into all of them. The Spike Orchestra album is pretty cool, and I'm a big fan of the Banquet of Spirits album. There's enough music going on here to last a year, so if you plan to go down this rabbit hole, take your time because you'll need it.

Favourite tracks: To be honest, I'm still working my way through most of these albums, and I can't pick a favourite track yet.

14. Keiji Haino & Sumac - American Dollar Bill - Keep Facing Sideways, You're Too Hideous To Look At Face On

Heavy, noisy, ecstatic, and phenomenal. Sumac are a tight and brutal band, and the additional chaos injected by Haino makes this album as joyous and intense and just downright awesome as the title(s). The album flits between slow hard doom like riffs, through to long droney and experimental passages of feedback and Haino's signature vocal explorations. With song titles that go into great detail, it's an album that evokes a lot of strange thoughts and feelings. Mostly it's just a lot of surprises and exciting musical shifts, as the band keep changing it up, swelling and diving and destroying music at every possible turn. I feel like this is one of those "not for everyone" types of heavy albums, maybe due to the improvised feel of much of the music, but fuck that, this is the shit that everyone should be across.

Favourite tracks: What have I Done? (I Was Reeling In Something White and I Became Able to do Anything I Made a Hole Imprisoned Time Within it Created Friction Stopped Listening to Warnings Ceased Fixing my Errors Made the Impossible Possible? Turned Sadness Into Joy) Pt. 1, I'm Over 137% A Love Junkie And Still It's Not Enough Pt. 2

15. William Basinski + Lawrence English - Selva Oscura

A collaboration between two of the masters of the ambient minimal soundscape, Basinski and English have created a lush, evolving world of sound that teases us with stasis but perpetually drifts and sheds layers, constantly swelling and changing just enough. It's peaceful, but it's not empty. The first track is liquid, and mostly calm, the few moments of turbulence are there to remind you to keep your ears attuned. Track 2 has more recognisable pulses and movement in the air, almost as if the music itself were made by the wind. This piece has a lot of shifting frequency and movement. It's a constantly intriguing listening experience that asks very little of the listener, and once you give it your attention it's immersive and delightful.

Favourite track: There are only 2 so listen to them both!

16. I Hold The Lion's Paw - Abstract Playgrounds.

A treasure-trove of slinky grooves and expansive, exploratory free jazz stylings, executed with a level of mastery that is to be expected with these players. Side A is a big live improvised jam, and side B is more composition focused, but also built from restructured moments from side A, not merely remixes or a refined and practiced formula, the group have gone deep into the ideas and made something much more surprising. Some of the tracks resemble something much more electronic and abstract than would be expected in a free jazz context, and yet, it always seems to fit. In fact I think the second side is more interesting and as a frame for the more straight up 70s free jazz stuff, it makes for a richer, deeper experience.

Favourite tracks: Snake Charmers' Convention, (intakes from the) Snake Charmers, Deluzian Lawn Bowls, Afro 1.

17. Alessandro Cortini + Lawrence English - Immediate Horizon

A Live recording of two of my favourite artists collaborating at Berlin Atonal. Immediate Horizon is a slow build, but it becomes engulfing and mesmerising before you're ready for it. The compositions are simple enough, often built on layering slowly evolving parts and increasing the density and pushing the extremities of tone. The elements are also quite simple and sparse, with pulsing bass synth tones underlying simple looping melodies that layer up, fill the space and blur reality with epic reverb. There are moments of complete bliss and there are moments of complete overwhelming intensity, with a massive guitar sound that feels like it's being played inside your ears as it tears through the drones. overall it's an epic sound journey, and one that deserves some volume when listened to, as I'm sure it would have been a loud concert. The sounds are amazing and it has a great impact.

Favourite tracks: Immediate Horizon 2 +3.

18. Iki - Oracle

Iki are a 5 piece vocal group from various parts of Scandinavia, using experimental/extended vocal techniques and electronic sound manipulations to create some really interesting and beautiful music. Each track takes a seemingly simple idea or theme, and teases its way through, building the curiosity, smearing the organic sound across the air and ears, playing with space. The vocals are immaculate, they are all great singers, and they are doing some very fun and cool things with electronics that make this an exciting listen. The additional bass synths that support the voices is a nice touch, really filling up the frequency spectrum, and providing a good foundation for the shifting harmonies and textures. 

Favourite tracks: Reflex, Archaea.

19. Tim Hecker - Konoyo

This is some of the best music I've ever heard. Hecker created this album in Japan with the Tokyo Gagaku ensemble, and it's co-engineered by Ben Frost. The music has such a sublime, organic, and dare I say lazy quality to it. The melodic contours and slowly evolving forms verge towards ambient music, but the intensity is too high, the dynamics are too engaging. The synths in the mix are gorgeous and full. The relationship of the electronics and traditional Japanese instrumentation is intricately woven, bridging the past and future, articulating a wholeness, and simultaneously letting the idea of meaning kind of drop away. It's fucking gorgeous and I want to know more about it, but at the time of writing this I've avoided finding out too much about the process because I'm trying to simply enjoy the sounds. Which is easy enough.

Favourite tracks: Keyed out, In mother earth phase.

20. Caterina Barbieri - Born Again in the Voltage

Barbieri is an artist who is new to me, but I am quickly a fan of any composer who can make musical sense of a Buchla 200 system. The 4 pieces here show a mastery of the system, opening with a minimal repetitive phrase piece that plays around with clocks and sequencing, really playing with time, using the tempo divisions and shifting LFO rates as tools for sculpting form. The second piece, which is performed by cellist Antonello Manzo, is a beautiful layered drone piece, that shifts around tones and harmonics, peaceful yet complex and dynamic. The cello and synth come together on track 3, the acoustic and electronic sound are integrated so well, one could almost forget it's a duet. The melodic phrase sequencing that closes the track and the subsequent atmospherics are beautiful examples of the possibilities of modular synth music. The album closer is more up tempo, and more of a a straight up synth sequence track, sounding a bit computer/scifi music, with some vocals in the background. It's a strong finish to a complex and delightful record that explores and expresses the human/machine relationship.

Favourite track: Human Developers.

21. Angelo Badalamenti & David Lynch - Thought Gang

Although recorded in the early '90s, Thought Gang doesn't sound dated, or like an after thought, it sounds so good. I am a little surprised that a lot of this material didn't make it out into the world sooner, but I'm glad it has now. As a fan of Lynch, and Badalamenti in general, I think this album fits the overall canon of the artists' work. It follows the sound of the late Twin Peaks world, mixing jazz with moody dark ambient flavours, and with the surreal spoken work passages it sounds like it could be a continuation of themes and ideas and lore that we've experienced on screen. It sounds very "today" for a project that took over 2 decades to get out. I'd love more of this in my life.

Favourite tracks: Logic and Common Sense, Woodcutters from Fiery Ships, Multi-Tempo Wind Boogie.

22. Ben Salisbury & Geoff Barrow - Annihilation (Music From the Motion Picture)

As a massive fan of the book series this film is based on, I had very high expectations for this film adaptation. I enjoyed it, and although it leaves out many of the things I felt were the best elements of the book, it stands up as a really great version of the story. Part of what works so good for the film (the visual style is the other part) is the music. Salisbury and Barrow (who were also responsible for director Alex Garland's Ex Machina score) really got into the DNA of the Area X when constructing the themes and sounds for this film. The way the sonic themes mutate and cross pollinate with each other, altering and adopting sounds and patterns as the film progresses is much clearer in the listening experience. Particularly how the guitar and vocal/choral stuff evolves, and how the wider instrumentation adopts and evolves with those themes. It's a different experience listening to a film score to listening to an "album", but either way, I think it works well enough. This is amazing music, and should be enjoyed as such.

Favourite tracks: The Alien, Lighthouse Chamber, Sheppard, Plant People.

23. The Body - I Have Fought Against It, But I Can’t Any Longer.

The Body work that I know is brutal, and abrasive. I think of them as a noise band, but this album is so much more. In fact, the first 2 tracks, whilst a bit dark, are also really melodic and gentle and beautiful. It takes a while before the heaviness kicks into gear, but it does and it does so brilliantly. This album is very diverse, and just when you think you've got it pegged it will throw a new idea at you. Whether it's a guest vocal or sample, a certain beat flavour or drum machine, or just switching it up from atmospheric to brutal density, The Body are constantly branching out into new territory. The Drums on this albums are a highlight. As is the use of feedback, and the vocals, all of them, are wicked. Also, the story at the end of the album is fucking creepy weird. Very cool.

Favourite tracks: Nothing Stirs, Off Script, An Urn, Sickly Heart of Sand.

24. Ryuichi Sakamoto – Async: Remodels 

Firstly, I will admit I didn't love the album that these remixes were drawn from. I remember listening and moving on quickly (maybe I should revisit). I loved Sakamoto's Plankton release, and generally I'd say I'm a fan. However... This remix album features a who's who list of some of the best, some of my most favourite artists reworking and owning Sakamoto's music, doing some beautiful things with the themes, and sounds. Opening with a beautiful and luscious and triumphant Oneohtrix Point Never reworking of the track Andata, moving into the only really beat focused mix of the same track by Electric Youth. Alva Noto is on here, Arca is on here, Fennesz is on here, and they all contribute amazing remixes. The great late Johan Johannsson reworked a track, and my old hero Cornelius drops a remix on here too. So many good tracks. There are some other artists that are new to me on here too, all of who made great contributions. The whole thing is a great listen. It keeps the original spirit of Sakamoto's music intact, but stretches the sounds out through such varied worlds and hearts and perspectives, and it's joyous, relaxing, and super interesting.

Favourite tracks: disintegration (Alva Noto Remodel), solari (Fennesz Remodel), solari (Jóhann Jóhannsson Rework), andata (Oneohtrix Point Never Rework).

25. Merzbow + Hexa - Achromatic

A collaboration between 3 of my favourite artists, Achromatic is an incredible statement of sound practice and composition beyond the norms of music, it makes the idea of musical notes feel forever inadequate. Hexa (Jamie Stewart and Lawrence English) make music exploring the physicality of sound, and pushing it to the extreme, so pairing up with the legendary Merzbow, one could understand they're about to be taken on a wild ride into the sonosphere. It's not without its subtleties. There's some incredible mixing going on, the frequency bands and the sonic power are all so well composed and controlled. The arrangements for each side of the album seem to be variants of each other, with different mixes and forms of the same or related material. It's hard to get better than this kind of   exhilarating sound. Turn it up.

Favourite tracks: Merzhex part 2, part 4, Hexamer.

26. Nadja & Vampilla - Artificial Acts of God

Berlin based, drone experimentalists Nadja, join forces with the eclectic and dramatic Japanese metal band Vampilla for what is one of the best things I've heard from either act in a while. It might be only 3 tracks, but it's packed to the rafters. The first 7 and a half minutes is an epic building noise piece, beautifully dense, immersive and engulfing, and eventually, as it subsides, the doom begins. The heaviest bass sound I've heard all year. Things get terrifying as the track continues, and the tempo accelerates. It doesn't let up, and shit just gets louder and thicker. It's so fucking brutal. Things continue with some chorale vocals, and some more delicate/atmospheric passages, and the overall form continues to oscillate between strange/suspenseful and intense/brutal. It's awesome.

Favourite track: That Day

27. Eartheater – IRISIRI

I have difficulty putting into words exactly what it is that makes Eartheater so interesting to me. New York based Alexandra Drewchin's work is quite a mix of ideas, and the balance of those ideas isn't exactly comfortable. I guess boiled down this is an album of songs, I want to say pop songs, but abstracted beyond anything the mainstream would handle. The songs have vocals, and many have beats, it's got all the elements of accessible music, but the forms are mutated and the ride is different - the destination is still unknown. There's some interesting blends of electronic and acoustic instruments, such as the analogue synth pulses up against luscious harp glissandos in Curtains and Peripheral, or the cinematic string loops against the stumbling beat and mumbled vocals on Inclined. Some of it feels dark and twisted, and some of it feels incredibly joyful, but the work all has an uncompromisingly personal honesty to it. For me this is the album's strength. It's not forced, but fresh. The processes are matured and self aware/assured. If this was the future of pop music, I'd be happy to turn on the radio more often.

Favourite tracks: Curtains, Tresspasses, C.L.I.T.

28. serpentwithfeet – Soil

Following up an awesome EP from a couple of years ago, serpentwithfeet comes at us with new sounds, exploring new ideas in a rich variety of new songs of tragedy and love. His voice is intoxicating. Seriously. I really enjoy that the music isn't overblown or overproduced. There's a subtly at play in the arrangements that let the voice extend out, be as flamboyant and expressive as it wants, and play around. They're trying a lot of stuff in the production, and the songs are weird, but the voice is always there to nurture and comfort and take the lead. It's the mix of avant garde production and arranging, with the melodramatic intensity of the vocal that makes it so interesting for me.

Favourite tracks: Messy, Fragrant, Invoice.

29. Sarah Davachi – Let Night Come On Bells End The Day

Words like drone, minimal, and ambient don't do justice to the work that Sarah Davachi makes. Her work is perhaps simultaneously all those things on the surface, yet, the depths of the frameworks she works with are infinitely more complex. Her sonic processes dissect time while articulating its form. If that sounds like a weird or wanky thing to say, one only needs to sit with any of her albums for a few minutes to understand it. Let Night Come On Bells End The Day feels like a kind of temporal displacement, a sonic kind of time machine. Each instrument and subsequent manipulation of the sound slows life down, reveals hidden depths to the timbres, and the arrangements meanwhile seep into the mind, mingle with memory, until you're lost in the mix. 

Favourite tracks: Buhrstone, Mordents, Hours in the Evening.

30. CECILIA – Adoration

An incredible debut album of abstract electronica from Montreal artist Cecilia. I first heard of her from her contributions to last years Rabit album, a collaboration that couldn't have been more perfect when one hears her solo music. A wonderland of abstract forms, with hints of rhythm and a sprinkling of beats, teasing, hinting at a club background, but never succumbing to mere quantisation and repetition. The voice is the central focus - spoken, sung, whispered, processed - and everything else is there to support it, but not with a pop song instrumental hierarchy, the soundscapes and voice co-mingle and become one, and often are one and the same. There's also so much space on the album, it's immersive and completely amazing.

Favourite tracks: Gros Animal, Récital (Where Your Money Ends), Teen Poise.

31. SUMAC - Love In Shadow

An album of four epic tracks, crunchy, pounding, and exploratory. Each track could almost be broken up into three or four tunes, but I really like how the group have chosen to frame these sections under the one title, which makes listening a different experience. It's all out brutal at the opening moment, and Aaron Turner sounds as perfect as ever vocally (one of my favourite low growls of all time, but also pushing his range out there a bit in the later tracks). The record moves from fast, to thundering breakdowns, to impending doom, but also allows some space, with some warmth and introspective nuances. It's just great to hear a band like this come out with so much solid material in a year. Sick riffs and epic volume!

Favourite tracks: Arcing Silver, The Task.

32. Idels - Joy As An Act Of Resistance 

Idles debut album blew my mind. Such a powerful band, with great lyrics, a real return to meaningful anti-establishment, working class punk rock. I was shocked that they followed it up so quickly, and yet, so glad. On the whole, where Brutalism felt really live and full of enthusiasm, Joy feels more stripped back and reflective. The opener, Colossus is so different to anything I would have expected from them, yet it's such a perfect track and it's a great revelation great how deep the groups music can go. June is a real tearjerker, a tragic song about being an expecting parent, it breaks up the angry tunes and grounds it in a personal reality that is so starkly honest it hurts. There's so much rocking good music on here. Idles are one of the smartest bands around right now, and they are going to change shit.

Favourite tracks: Colossus, June, Samaritans.

33. Paul de Jong - You Fucken Sucker

I was a big fan of The Books back in day, and in the years since, although enjoying Nick Zammuto's new direction, I often wondered about Paul de Jong and what he might be up to/working on but just never realised he had started releasing new music. Alas, this year he released this amazing collection, very much still aligned with his found sound/collage experiments from the Books days, still mashing up genre and playing with elements in a seemingly intuitive and playful way, but this album seems to be a bit spiteful, and kind of rebellious and raging in a kind of Dada way. It's angry but with a sense of humour. Lots of sounds to explore here. I recommend you do.

Favourite tracks: Doings, Dimples, You Fucken Sucker.

34. Uboa - The Sky May Be.

A contender for the title of most downright intense performer in Australian music right now, Xandra Metcalfe, aka Uboa has produced a thrilling, confronting, disturbing, and otherwise exhilarating new record. Uboa's mix of harsh noise and melodic ambient warmth makes for an album that constantly surprises and brutalises, drawing the listener in with gorgeous passages of abstracted yet recognisably sublime musicality, and moving into complete onslaught mode, delivering the ol' 1, 2 combo with an avalanche of sonic detritus and more than a lung full of blood curdling screams. The arrangements are immaculate as is the production, and the overall album structure is quite the epic journey.

Favourite tracks: I Can't Love Anymore, The Sky May Be (Dementia), Salivate on Cue.

35. Thom Yorke - Suspiria

This remake of a cult classic film worked for me on so many levels. The team really delved into the world that Argento created to make a phenomenal reworking, and they ran with so many creative liberties that it was a powerfully artistic work that stands on its own. And then there's Thom Yorke's score, which I really enjoy as a soundtrack album, but I feel was the main thing that weakened the film. The music here, Yorke's first full feature score, is mostly awesome, and the inclusion of songs among the horror tropes is cool. I'm also really glad that Yorke avoided trying to do a Goblin ripoff, although he probably could have made that work (National Anthem/Pulled Apart by Horses both come to mind as bass riffs that show he knows how to get shit rocking). Overall, I enjoy the material on here, and it show's Thom has an interesting future in cinema ahead of him, but in the film, there were some parts that didn't quite land, and that's a shame. Still, there's enough here to enjoy without the film attached.

Favourite tracks: Olga's Destruction (Volk tape), Volk, Has Ended.

36. Klein - CC

Klein essentially takes the worlds and tropes of "urban" and "beats" and destroys them. It's the ultimate abstraction of mainstream music processes. You can hear all the elements - the beats and the raps, the samples etc - but they don't fit together how you are used to. Their earlier release Tommy was a wild ride and a mesmerising introduction to the artists work (check that out too),  and to follow that up, CC develops the process of abstraction and genre deconstruction even further. I'm not sure if it's more listenable or more interesting or if I'm just acclimatising, but I like it.

Favourite tracks: Collect, Born, Apologise.

37. Erik Griswold - Yokohama Flowers

I've loved Griswold's previous albums of prepared piano music, and this is no different. The music is gorgeous, simple, moving. But something about the preparations also makes it feel exciting and foreign, and maybe a little eccentric and broken down which is a quality I really like. Each composition is a little slice of perfection, and the album is a really enjoyable treat to sit with, or to have playing in the background.

Favourite tracks: Fallingwater, Ball-peen Hammer, Color Wheel.

38. Cucina Povera – Hilja 

The debut album from Finnish born, Glasgow based artist Maria Rossi aka Cucina Povera is a box of curiosities, like the sort of songs you would remember from a dream, but be unable to articulate as you started focusing your memory. Features sublime minimal synths and atmospheric field recordings, and a verstile vocal style, that overlaps and loops and interplays with itself. Like something from a Lynch film, Hilja is mystereous and beautiful, and quality music.

Favourite tracks: Demetra, Avainsana, Totean

39. Colin Stetson – Hereditary

Thoughts on the movie aside (I liked it) Stetson comes at the film score with all his strengths and his experimental spirit to make an incredible piece of suspense and horror. The circular breathing saxophone riffs create a suffocating, traumatic feeling, that works brilliantly in the film, and as a general listening experience, the way the soundtrack album is structured, it works as a suspenseful journey too. 

Favourite tracks: Funeral, Party, Crash

40. Oneida - Romance

Generally a diverse yet focused group, Oneida tend to oscillate between the extremes of minimalism and all out noise/experimental expansive maximalism. For example, my first experience of them was the brilliant repetition based album Absolute II, 4 very minimal tracks that are still favourites to this day. After that, their release A List of the Burning Mountains was an all out sound exploration, with very little repetition, and much more improvisation. Romance somehow brings the best of both these personalities of the group's musical character into a kind of balance. Excellent repetitive riffs and sounds underpin some more adventurous playing, and exploratory songwriting, and it makes for an exciting yet hypnotic album.

Favourite tracks: Bad Habit, Reputation.

41. Beak> - >>>

Although previous Beak> releases have been much darker, moodier, and more minimal, I feel like they have been cultivating and moving towards this unique, analogue progressive style all along with very precise steps. Although the band line up has changed since the last record, the same influences are still strongly at play, and the band have never been shy about where they've come from. However, this album feels a bit more celebratory, reveling in the process, and being more adventurous with the context, and it makes it feel fresh. I think Barrow's drumming is the best I've heard him, and the vocals are really strong on this album. 

Favourite tracks: Birthday Suit, Harvester.

42. CUTS - A Gradual Decline

I first heard CUTS on the Ex Machina OST, and was anticipating more instantly. What we got here was not exactly what I anticipated, but is excellent none the less. One of the few beat/metric based electronic albums i've enjoyed this year, A Gradual Decline uses the degradation of sound as analogy for the decline of civilisation and environmental stability. It's beautiful but also represents something very bleak in a fragile way.

Favourite tracks: Pollen, Maboroshi, From Here to Nowhere.

43. Rabit - Life After Death

I was a massive fan of Rabit's last album and this album is very different. There's some similar types of abstraction and mutilated forms going on, but the sonic palette is different. I think it's cool when artists branch out and avoid repeating themselves, and Rabit has done that here. The sounds are often dark and mysterious, and I love the nightmarish, dreamscape type approach to form, and the disjointed relationship with genre, which is surrealistic verging on cinematic. Rabit is developing an important part of the new school electronic experimental scene for sure.

Favourite tracks: III, Blue Death.

44. Liars - Titles With the Word Fountain

As a follow up to last year's Theme From Cry Fountain, Angus Andrew's now solo version of the band Liars dropped a much more experimental companion album this year. The version I got is actually both albums together, and it makes for an interesting new take on what wasn't really that much of a favourite last year. The new material is abstract. Yet I feel like Liars is always going to be a an entity I will get confused by, whilst simultaneously excited about, especially now it seems that Andrew has gone through the existential anguish of being left at the proverbial alter. Musically, this album has a lot of sound experiments, and noisy sample based electronic beat stuff, with synths and the usual Liars attitude. It's not the most consistent album concept from Liars, but there's still good stuff going on.

Favourite tracks: Murdrum, Face in Ski Mask Bodies to the Wind, Extracts from Seated Sequence.

45. Sons of Kemet – Your Queen Is a Reptile

This album delivers an intense distillation of African music styles, all defiantly aimed like a weapon at colonialism, and celebrating women of colour in the process. The whole thing is led by saxophonist Shabaka Hutchings, who always brings a big concept together with finesse and soul, and this is no exception. The double drummer flavour really drives home the point with intensity, while the use of tuba as the bass instrument adds a hint of New Orleans to the arrangements at times. The stripped back instrumentation is also really interesting, with no harmony instrument, the melody and rhythmic energy carry it alone. I especially like the first and last track with the fierce spoken word sections.

Favourite track: My Queen Is Doreen Lawrence.

46. Oneohtrix Point Never – Age Of

OPN delivers a pretty mixed bag on this one, and not always successfully, but the high points are pretty outrageous. Despite the utter dud that is Babylon, for the most part the vocal fx on the album work well. Although I generally cringe at this much autotune, it's used to great effect on Black Snow, which is a stand out track. Warning and RayCats are also awesome tracks, with really great textural experiments and subtle melodic sensibilities, while Same is some kind of weird 80s pop nostalgia monster, coming completely out of nowhere. OPN is never restrained, and drops some brutal noise and metal in over the top of pretty passages in sudden sporadic bursts, keeping you questioning what album you're really listening to. The whole thing plays out like an acid tripped memory of a music festival.

Favourtie tracks: Black Snow, Warning, RayCats

47. Dustin Wong + Takako Minekawa + Good Willsmith – Exit Future Heart

A collaborative improvised excursion into the joyous unknown. Blending the playful and whimsical nature of Wong and Minekawa (who's album last year "Are Euphoria" was a top favourite) with some moodier abstractions from the Chicago trio Good Willsmith's end, striking an curious balance and keeping things interesting along the way. It's certainly a delightful and intimate listen, very giving and honest musical expression, and very cool sounds.

Favourite tracks: The Garden of Earthly Flanger, Plastic Skin, Gikanjoumonogatari.

48. Örvar Smárason – Light Is Liquid

Founding member of múm and instrumental maestro, Örvar Smárason has crafted a really great down-tempo pop record, that has all of the charm of his band's previous work, adding in some really psychedelic type electronic flavours to extend the curiosity and keep it interesting. There is some cool use of vocoders, and the guest vocals are real highlights - JFDR sounds great on Tiny Moon. Admittedly, on the surface this seemed a little generic at first, but I found myself needing it in my life more and more. It's going to be a great backyard chill out summer record.

Favourite tracks: The Duality Paradox, Tiny Moon.

49. Vanessa Tomlinson - The Space Inside

One of my favourite live performances of recent times was seeing Vanessa Tomlinson at Make it Up Club totally own the room with only a set of hi hats. On this album, Vanessa presents two pieces that each explore a single instrument, one is the concert bass drum, the other the tam tam. The music is powerful, and like that afoementioned night, the power of Vanessa's performance owns the space. The music transcends the expected ideas of rhythm and meter that might be anticipated of a percussion album, and becomes pure phenomenon.

Favourite track: There are only 2, and they need your full attention.

50. Gyda - Evolution

I saw Gyda Valtysdottir perform a few years back, and was absolutely captivated by her cello playing. On Evolution, the cello is only half of the hypnosis. Her voice, ranging from the fragile and delicate sensitivity that the vocals from her old band múm were known for, to much more confident and playful expressions of musical experimentation, is the real feature. It’s such a beautiful release, elegant music, that stops just short of potential tweeness to open towards new possibilities.

Favourite Tracks: Nothing More, Kind Human, Unborn.

Honorable Mentions:

These albums came into my life right at the end of the year, and I think I would have written this list differently if I had heard them earlier. I chose to add them this way because I had already selected the list and begun writing/posting it. That all said, I've been loving these records in the last few weeks. I won't go into it in depth, because I'm still soaking them up, but rest assured they are great.

Daughters - You Won't Get What You Want. It's heavy and abstract, i love the lazy vocal style and the urgency of the drumming. Fucking great.

Low - Double Negative Absolutely sweet vocal styles on this one, with excellent and surprising use of fx. I also love the crunchy production. Really gets under your skin.

The Caretaker - Stages 4 and 5. One of the deepest and most ambitious ambient (for lack of a better term...) projects continues, and it's an epic listening journey. Definitely not for relaxation.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 234: Tomura Flashbacks and Giganto ex Machia

Previously on BnHA: Re-Destro lost his temper and hulked the fuck out and started breaking off Tomura’s fingers like a goddamn Kit-Kat bar. Elsewhere, (1) Twice cloned Toga in order to give her a blood transfusion, unaware that Skeptic was heading their way; (2) Spinner’s quirk of being a Gecko Man was revealed and he attempted to wall-crawl his way over to Hanabata only to be assailed by a bunch of redshirts fired up by Hanabata’s Trumpet quirk; (3) Dabi continued to battle Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine offscreen (I assume); (4) Compress was also probably doing something but who can be sure; (5) Giran was running off to safety with one of the clone Twices, and finally, (6) Gigantomachia Goron-rolled his way towards the action while Slidin’ Go stood there nervously, probably sensing that his number is coming up on the great cosmic roulette wheel. All of this happened two whole weeks ago because the manga was on break last week! But it’s finally back now, so leeeEET’S geeet ready to rrrruuuuUUUUUUUUMMMMMBLE.

Today on BnHA: RD continues to get handsy with Tomura until Tomura starts to disintegrate one of RD’s own fingers to see how he likes it. He does not, in fact, like it, so he flings Tomura away and starts thinking all of these shocked antagonist thoughts about how Tomura is stronger than he expected and his powers are ~awakening~ and blah blah blah. Meanwhile Tomura hops back onto the Flashback Train to Feels City and recalls how AFO gave him his family’s severed hands to make sure he stayed good and pissed!! And he also remembers more about his sister and how much she loved him! And his mom and grandparents who were also super nice and are now fucking dead and it’s a lot! Horikoshi is pretty fucking ruthless! Anyway so RD decides he’d better go all out and wrap this up, but before he can deliver a killing blow, Gigantomachia finally makes his entrance. At the same moment, Tomura finally remembers “everything” (?? ???!?!?), which, holy fucking shit you guys.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity immediately afterward, and added one or two ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

okay so let’s see what gruesome things are in store for our intrepid villains this week

“destroyed memories” oh? come again? you don’t say?? fancy that?? goodness me???

so is this referring to Tomura? or Dabi? if it’s referring to Re-Destro or one of his gang, I swear to god...! nobody cares about your memories RD. you’re a jerk and you suck

lol what the

aww. is this a “real” in-universe children’s book, is that what this is. did all the lil U.A. dumplings read this when they were small. and was there also a similar book called “don’t judge people by their lack of quirks” and if so why did no one read it to lil baby Kacchan hmm

anyway now we’re cutting right back to this unpleasant image! and not only that, but in the two weeks we’ve been gone things have even escalated!

we’re up to two hands being grabbed now! um. he’s really going to need at least one of those? probably?? please don’t Overhaul my deranged villain son fffff

reminder that Tomura needs to touch something with all five fingers in order for his quirk to activate (or he did before at least), so even though he still has... two...? fingers remaining on his left hand, that hand is still effectively useless as far as quirking goes. so if he suffers even the smallest amount of damage to his right hand as well, it’s basically all over for him. unless he actually was using his quirk with his feet in the previous chapter. I’m assuming not because he presumably would have decayed his way all the way down to the center of the earth if that was the case. I think @khorale mentioned this in a comment on my last recap, but yeah, seeing as the ground’s not disintegrating underneath him, it’s safe to say it’s Hands Only here

anyway I got so caught up in being calmly horrified over the current situation that I didn’t even read the dialogue. so RD’s saying that superpowers are linked to personality, and so that “don’t judge people by their quirks” stuff is in fact bullshit

um, source? are you a psychologist? in general I try to take things with a grain of salt when they’re said by pieces of shit, so yeah

fffffffff noooooo Tomura’s face sob Horikoshi you bastard

he looks so freaking young here. okay, shit. I’m starting to think I need to make plans to unwind after I finish reading this chapter. maybe get an Enya playlist in the works. diffuse some essential oils. find some cute baby animal videos

but on the plus side, it’s looking ever more likely that his are indeed the Destroyed Memories in question omg. so I will continue to get hype while also feeling very guilty and stressed

you guys I’m actually really glad RD is feeling like he has the upper hand now, because he’s starting to waste some valuable time monologuing, and with every second he babbles on, Machia is getting closer and closer to whooping some ass

so he’s asking Tomura what he’s trying to create

and well, actually, he’s not really that far off

I mean. does it count as nothing if he wants to destroy the whole world? one could argue that would be “creating” a new world in which everyone is fucking dead. idk. I might have to give RD this one; his whole point of “quirks are linked to personality and you have a quirk that destroys everything you touch so you probably just want to destroy shit” is holding up surprisingly well to scrutiny thus far

yeah so now he’s yelling “YOU ONLY LUST FOR DESTRUCTION! AM I WRONG?!” and nope. but even a broken clock, twice a day, etc.

oh shit OH FUCKING --

um, okay, (1) NO IT’S NOT, SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, NONE OF YOUR HANDS BELONGED TO A CHILD YOU GULLIBLE RUBE

and (2) MY FUCKING FEELS. why am I even surprised. what the fuck. I knew more angst was coming and yet it still...

just, god. okay fine Horikoshi I’m a glutton for punishment, please continue then

HAHA SOB IT’S A WHOLE FUCKING FLASHBACK OKAY SURE LAY IT ON ME!!

this really is the wildest shit though you guys. I still can’t get over it. “hello little boy I’m sorry your family is dead but don’t worry I’m adopting you and here are all of their severed hands. with little plugs on the end too or some shit. just, you know. souvenir”

I can’t fucking believe AFO played this so straight. maybe that’s why it worked. it was just so fucking out there that Tenko wound up buying it hook line and sinker. “hmm, seems a bit shady, but then again why else would a strange man I met only yesterday just randomly up and give me a dozen severed hands”

I don’t know if any of this shit is important, but it’s probably good practice to just post every mysterious thing that AFO says

yes you really did a great job healing this guy’s wounded fucking heart, Dr. Phil

oh wow, never fucking mind, even

I see, so that wasn’t meant to be a reassuring “in time you’ll get over it” speech; it was meant to be a cautionary “you’d better surround yourself with reminders of your terrible pain at all times or else you might actually stop feeling fucking miserable and WE CAN’T FUCKING HAVE THAT” speech. holy shit

I’m seriously having trouble wrapping my mind around just how terrible this is. like, it’s nearly impossible to fathom that level of cruelty. this is a four(?)-year-old child. he tracked him down, gave him a quirk that would kill his family*, sat back and watched it happen, and then let him stew in the horror of it all alone until he finally swooped in and claimed him and then raised him with the express purpose of keeping him sad and scared and angry and depressed at all times, all so he would eventually grow up and, with any luck, murder the man that his grandmother thought of as a son!

(*this is just conjecture right now, admittedly, but until I’m proven wrong I’m basically operating under the assumption that it’s true)

just. “fucked up” doesn’t even begin to describe it. god

anyways, let’s continue to read more about young Tenko’s extreme emotional abuse at the hands of the final villain I guess

OMG HANA

okay so I can’t remember where we left off on this last time, but a bunch of people said they suspected that the young Tenko wanted to be a hero when he was a little boy, and that’s why he was always clashing with his dad, because his dad’s own experience with heroes was pretty sour on account of the whole his-mom-gave-him-up-when-he-was-little-and-then-later-died-horribly thing

so yeah, I assume that’s what Hana is referring to here with the whole “I just tell Dad...” bit. so they both wanted to be heroes! how perfectly fucking tragic! great!

Tomuraaaaaa

KEEP IT UP TOMURA YOU CAN DO IT!! YOU CAN REMEMBER! YOU’RE DOING GREAT. aside from the whole “this really big man is killing you slowly” thing

yeah, this whole deal

but aside from that. doing great

!!

OOOOOOOOOH SHIT, THIS MUMMIFIED LITTLE PUNK’S STILL GOT SOME FIGHT LEFT IN HIM YOU GUYS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

he got him to fling him away! YESSSS TAKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE. FOOL HIM ONCE, FUCKING OUCH, BUT FOOL HIM TWICE, AND LET’S SEE HOW YOU FUCKING LIKE IT YOU BIG WAD

so now Re-Destro is belatedly realizing that Tomura is going through a very weird leveling-up process and taking advantage of the fact that he’s temporarily become the main character of the series and thus possesses all of the narrative powers that come with that venerable distinction

...that he’s the main character? yes

anyways lol there’s some real good crazyface action going on here guys

did Horikoshi take the extra time just so he could devote a little longer to nailing down panels like this because if yes, A+++

SDSKJSODIFHOIESJ

it’s mom!! wow!!

DSLKFAJSLDK ARE WE GETTING BACKSTORY ON THE FUCKING SCARS OMFG I CAN’T THIS IS TOO MUCH

SOB YOU GUYS I’M CAUGHT UP IN THIS WEIRD CROSS BETWEEN BEING HYPED AF AND ALSO CRACKING THE FUCK UP NOW THOUGH, BECAUSE:

ALL OF THIS WAS SO FUCKING BADASS, AND THEN THAT LAST FUCKING PANEL, THOUGH. LMAO WELL HE’S ON THE BRINK OF SOMETHING, BUT WHO CAN EVEN FUCKING SAY WHAT

ANYWAY HE’S ZOOMING TOWARDS RD AND RD’S THINKING “HE’S FAST!” AND YEAH, BITCH, YOU SCARED??

WHAT ARE YOU THE PRESIDENT OF HIS FANCLUB NOW OR WHAT

you guys this is the most I’ve ever liked Re-Destro. there’s something about evil nemesis characters being begrudgingly impressed by their enemies that just pleases me, idk

LJSDFIJWEOF

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIS FACE HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE SCARY TREES FROM SNOW WHITE

OH SHIT YOU GUYS WE’RE BREAKING OUT THE TROPES

so do we get 100% when he goes up against Machia, then? smdh, fucking power levels. well I guess Deku technically uses them too. but still, it’s not something we see in this series too often aside from that

holy shit you guys

honestly, I guess this should be really intimidating or whatever, but all I can think is that it’s about time this guy finally started taking this “pitiable gang of thugs” seriously. even if that does mean Tomura is probably about to fucking die, barring some Giganto ex Machia. that guy really needs to get a move on

oh hey

[RAISES EYEBROW AT GIGANTOMACHIA AND JABS FINGER TOWARDS WRISTWATCH] cut it a little closer next time why don’t you??

(ETA: also I didn’t notice all of Tomura’s other hands being flung away from him by the impact, but whoa. so now he’s just got the Papa Hand left in his pocket, along with whichever hand is grabbing the back of his head. and that’s it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his dad is the only remaining family member whose face we still haven’t seen yet. some big reveal coming up with that soon, I bet.)

oh and also guys here’s some more flashbacks. this time with loving grandparents. because Horikoshi just really wants to make sure our emotions are good and churned about

okay guys, Tenko’s very dead flashback!grandma and grandpa telling him not to cry and giving him yummy food so he won’t be sad is pretty much close to the limits of what I can take, angst-wise. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard! this is hardly my first anime flashback! I should be a pro at this by this point, the fuck is wrong with me

but on the other hand, I think a big part of it is that I’m not just sad about Tomura’s past, but also angry. because none of this is just coincidence; all of it is actually stuff that was done to him very deliberately, and the worst part is he doesn’t even realize it. and so in addition to the usual rush of protective feelings, there’s also this sense of outrage about it all too. and I think that’s the harder part to deal with. here I am, a grown adult, getting really mad over the staggering cruelty of what was done to this fictional character when he was a child. it’s possible there’s some real-life anger and frustration over certain real-life horrific cruelties and injustices that may be bleeding over into this, idk. just, the world is a fucked up place, and my emotional support manga is currently being less than supportive and it’s a struggle sob

anyways sorry about that. meanwhile while I was having a mini breakdown, possibly the most pivotal character development in Tomura’s history was happening and HOLY SHIT THOUGH WAIT UP GUYS

sdfkdsfjwoilkkj BOY!!!!!!!

SOB HOW ARE THERE ONLY TWO PAGES LEFT I’M GONNA CRY THIS CHAPTER WENT BY SO FAST

-- HORIKOSHI WHY ARE YOU CUTTING AWAY FROM THE FLASHBACK OH MY GOD I’M GONNA!!!

FUCK ME, THIS IS WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR SO IMPATIENTLY, SO OF COURSE HORIKOSHI JUST HAD TO FINALLY MAKE IT HAPPEN RIGHT WHEN I WOULD HAVE GIVEN ANYTHING TO NOT CUT AWAY FROM THAT SCENE WE WERE JUST ON. THIS SADISTIC SON OF A...

...hee. but it’s hard to stay mad, though

... :)

:D :D :D

lol what. recall, if you may, that you guys are the ones who basically forced them to come down to your mountain city and kick your asses you dickasaurs

HAHAHAHAHAAA

SDLFKJLSDKFJ AND ALSO OH NOOOOOOOO

OH MY FUCKING GOD. AND THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE FUCKING CHAPTER. WHYYYYY

EAT IT YOU PRICKS, I HOPE GIGANTOMACHIA FLATTENS YOU ALL INTO NEXT WEEK

Tomura looks so freaking sad, you guys. he’s just standing there completely still and he looks like he’s just completely destroyed emotionally

and he said he remembered everything!?! so what the shit am I supposed to do, Horikoshi?? my boy is just standing there with seven fucking fingers and one shoe and so caught up in his sad reverie that he’s seemingly oblivious to the fact that the long-awaited cavalry has finally arrived. kid is maybe 2-3 chapters away from finally triumphing over this bald Disney tree man who talks too much. and not only that, but he’s more than likely going to finally win Gigantomachia’s loyalty in the process. which in turn means he’ll have access to Ujiko and all of his resources

so in short, this boy is minutes away from becoming one of the deadliest and most powerful forces on earth... and I’m pretty sure that right now, at this moment, none of that matters to him one iota

you guys. so what does this mean for future developments?? I’m really going to need him to define “everything” ASAP, for starters. that’s a very vague statement, and its implications could mean the difference between us just having a sadder-than-usual Tomura from this point out, or a Tomura that’s sad but also realizing for the first time that there’s a lot about his past that doesn’t quite add up, or hell, even a Tomura that’s actually out for fucking vengeance against AFO. that last one seems like too big of a jump to happen right away, but dare I at least hope for the second option though? god that would just be the icing on the cake for this fucking perfect arc

now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go do some yoga or chant some mantras or something holy shit. this fucking manga