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butterflydm · 6 years ago

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The Magicians Revisited: 1x01 Unauthorized Magic

I’m doing the rewatch with @themagiciansrevisited and I’ll be watching along probably until 4x10, which is where I’ve decided my own personal canon for the show will tap out. And because my brain likes to keep track of things, I’ll be rewatching again on my own after each group rewatch and write out the things that stand out for me, that I might want to remember. This is v. long, so I will pop it under a read more.

Significant moments: The first character we meet is Dean Fogg, who comes onto a NYC street through a portal from a more wooded area (I think it’s the area outside Brakebills). The door closes behind him without him needing to physically shut it. He meets up with “Eliza” (making Jane Chatwin the second major character we meet) and says, “You’re late”, which is going to echo in the later first meeting of Eliot and Quentin (and which was itself mirrored in the first meeting between “Kim” and Todd in 4x01). Being that time loops and timelines are such an important part of the show, it’s interesting to me that the importance of timing is set up so soon. And… it’s also possibly a nod to The Lord of the Rings.

Jane’s brought Fogg evidence that the Beast is already active in this timeline (a huge-ass moth). The NYPost that he’s reading looks to be dated October 18, 2015, which tracks with when the first episodes came out. Part of the implication in this conversation is that Jane wants Fogg to rush our group into Brakebills even though they aren’t in place to have it handled yet.

Jane shows particular concern over ‘our boy’, which I think we can take as read is Quentin, given how Jane directs her attention to Quentin fairly pointedly and given that we’re going to cut to him after this scene. Looking back, it’s interesting to think about how this relationship may have evolved from Jane’s PoV. She must have recognized Julia and Quentin as the Witch and the Fool as soon as they were old enough and got involved in the very first timeline, plus it’s possible she figured out somewhere along the way that Quentin was also the old man who gave her the Time Key in the first place. There are four major characters who remember the time loops, after all - Jane, Fogg, Martin, and Ember - so I’ll be paying particular attention during their scenes to see what they may drop as a hint to what happened in previous timelines.

This scene also mirrors, to a certain extent, the introductory McGonagall & Dumbledore scene at the beginning of Harry Potter. I suspect that’s intentional, given the series’s future interest in deconstructing various fantasy storylines and tropes. So, we have two authority figures who understand what’s to come and they have been deliberately attempting to shape this younger generation into a weapon to wield against the enemy that threatens them (and that comes from their own generation).

Quentin is the next major character introduced to us - he is in the Midtown Mental Health Clinic, which has a nice view of the Statue of Liberty. He’s thoughtlessly doing magic tricks with a coin. The show then cuts between him checking himself out of the clinic with a scene of him at a party at his apartment. Julia is introduced by noticing Q looking out of place at the party, and then he bails to go hang out alone in a bedroom and read which… yeah, same, Q, same. We see his pills, a comic book, some other books: bunch of books on stage magic like card and coin tricks, and Plover’s books (at least two editions of the Fillory and Further series). As Q reads the first book (Fillory and Further: The World in the Walls), we get a visualization of them onscreen.

Julia and Quentin talk a little (and I’m going to note that she explicitly calls the Fillory books ‘obscure fantasy’, so not actually in the realm of Narnia or LotR) - she gives him a friendly kiss, and then Julia’s boyfriend James comes in and jokes about them having a threeway, which I did not expect to be foreshadowing and yet… Quentin will definitely have a threesome before the end of the season so, I guess it was. Unexpected foreshadowing!

The (dead) Yale interviewer had the clock from the Fillory books (or a replica? I don’t recall from further episodes if this is the real deal or not) in the place he was planning to interview Quentin. Huh, one of the dead interviewer’s eyes looks kinda like a fairy eye. We do find out later from Dean Fogg that the interviewer was a magician, so… hmm. This scene is very suspicious to me in many ways, in retrospect.

The manuscript that Jane gives Quentin is, officially, Fillory and Further; Book Six: the Magicians and it is dated Feb 1952. We learn that Julia is the one who got Quentin into the Fillory books in the first place and that’s why he learned magic tricks. They were both very into the books all through high school, but then Julia met James and she pulled away from them.

Next, it’s Julia and Quentin’s introduction to Brakebills! So, in most (though I suspect Jane tried cutting Q out of the equation at some point early on) of the previous loops, both Quentin and Julia would have gotten into Brakebills at this point, so after this is where we split from the general timeline to the differences in TL40 (for the students! Martin/the Beast is probably doing his own set of experiments each time he gets snapped back into a new timeline; especially different ways of approaching his ability to talk to Penny, I suspect).

When Q arrives, Eliot is, of course, posing in a gorgeous outfit. He was given a card with Quentin’s name and is waiting for him.

So, timeline thoughts: obviously, Fogg decides to set up Eliot and Quentin’s friendship early on, based on previous timeline experiences and whatnot. Given Jane’s worries about Quentin not being prepared enough, it does seem likely that Fogg decided to set up a mentorship-ish situation, since Eliot and Margo appear to get involved anyway in other timelines and since Margo’s a big Fillory fan, too. I’m going to see how Fogg reacts to them in later episodes to see if it confirms or counters my suspicions here.

When Eliot brings Quentin to the exam room, Penny is in the foreground of the shot and Quentin ends up sitting next to him. Julia is more in the middle of the room and (hilariously, from a P23-P40 perspective), I think I see Kady at a table in between Julia and Penny. Quentin sees Julia and they hug. I did not see Alice in the exam room, but there were several tables that had blonde girls at them, so maybe I just missed her.

Julia is told that she failed the test and will be sent home. “I can’t just go to Yale if this place exists” and she deliberately scratches herself before the memory spell is placed on her. Meanwhile, Q is given a deck of cards and told to do magic. He fumbles for a while, Dean Fogg puts some heavy pressure on him, and Q’s magic bursts out and then he collapses.

Q has a dream of talking to Jane in Fillory. Dream!Jane (real!Jane using a spell of some kind, I assume) name-drops the Beast and tells Q to “get off the garden path”. She wants him to try something new, because she knows that the previous tries have all failed spectacularly. He needs to do something different this time.

Q wakes up at Brakebills and Julia wakes up in her apartment in NYC, remembering everything and researching right away. Q talks to Dean Fogg. We learn that Brakebills is a three-year graduate-level program. So. Dean Fogg here is… hmm. He encourages Q to give up his meds. In the earlier scene, he deliberately preyed on Q’s fears (which he would know well from 39 previous timelines of experience) in order to provoke him into displaying a forceful burst of magic. We know that Jane is particularly worried about how much Q, specifically, needs to learn. Adding that together, and it does feel very deliberate that Fogg leads Q to believe that magic — that this school — will eliminate the need for his meds & etc., when we know from future episodes that this is very much not something that magic actually “fixes”. But he’s setting up Brakebills as the place that makes everything better because he wants Q to believe it. It’s also possible that he’s discouraging Q’s meds to create a certain level of emotional pain in Q to power his magic? Wow. That’s a dark thought.

Q and Penny are roommates. Q notices his F&F Book 6 is missing and is accusatory towards Penny, but before it can go further, Eliot comes to introduce Quentin to Margo. He’s told her that Q is cute and her opinion is “not that cute” but she’s friendly to him. We learn that first years stay in the dorms, and then once you know your ‘talent’, you get put into a house. The ones that Eliot lists out are: Physical Kids (where he and Margo are), Illusions, Healing, Nature, Knowledge (where Julia would have gone), Psychics. We also learn that there are only four students currently remaining of the third-year class, sixteen of them having disappeared along the way.

So, after all that, we go to Q’s first class and we see Alice for the first time (at least, that I could spot). She gets singled out to do a demonstration for the class and turns a glass ball into a glass horse. Also in this class, Kady meets Penny. They have an instant sexual connection and hook up right away. This is a definite deviation from timeline-23, at least, and if Kady only got into Brakebills because Julia was kept out, then that could potentially make Kady an overall wildcard. We know that the Great Cock in S3 knows about her, but I wonder if she was on anyone’s radar before timeline-40 happened. I’ll keep an eye out!

When Q finds out a little bit more about Alice from Margo and Eliot, he’s intrigued because he was very impressed by her spellwork. Margo and Eliot do not seem particularly interested in Alice one way or the other - when Alice leaves after Margo’s (debatably sincere) invite, they basically roll their eyes and shrug. Q tries to talk to Alice again later and she is definitely not interested in making friends.

Some time has passed, because James has sent Q several emails that he hasn’t answered. Julia hasn’t been eating or acting like herself, so James asks Q to come to her birthday party. Margo and Eliot overhear and immediately invite themselves along, because they have 100% adopted Q into their friendship already like damn. I’m kinda stunned over exactly how quickly Eliot and Margo decided that Quentin is One of Us. Eliot takes one look and is basically like ‘you’re cute, we’re keeping you’ and Margo goes with it in a way that she absolutely does not do with “Mike” later on. Eliot and Margo are the two people who are welcoming and encouraging to Q basically from day one and it just really stands out even more in a rewatch. Like Q has to go through some traumatizing shit with Alice, Penny, and Kady to start to develop any kind of bond, but with Eliot and Margo, he basically just has to show up and... be himself. And - this is jumping forward a bit but - they both mention later on that they genuinely like Q for his personality and his interests. Margo & El are stealth nerds and Eliot finds nerds charming in general, so they both just... like Q for who he is. It’s just so sweet and very adorable to see it already present in the first episode. They just like him. For the person that he is.

We meet future reoccurring hedge witch Pete at the party, briefly, as Julia goes ‘ugh no’ at first sight. Julia talks to Q in private and reveals that she remembers about Brakebills. The conversation goes badly, Q is not willing to help her with magic stuff, and he leaves with Ellot and Margo. Pete is a creep and scares Julia until she magics her way out of the trap and he invites her to join a non-Brakebills method of learning magic.

The next dream Q has about Jane Chatwin appears to take place at Rupert Chatwin’s grave (or just a monument to him? But I’m guessing grave). She warns him again not to just stick to the “garden path”. She shows him the symbol that he saw in Alice’s book and burns it into his hand, giving him a new reason to seek out Alice. Alice tells Q to meet her that night to do a summoning to contact the other side. Penny is drawn to go help Alice and Q, and Kady volunteers to join him. They do the spell and after they all leave the room, a smiley face is drawn on the mirror, ominously.

The Beast freezes everyone’s actions except their eyes, enters through the mirror. He kills a professor, is attacked by the Dean, defeats him but doesn’t kill him, and then spots Quentin. He calls Quentin out by name and starts to reach towards him and we cut to credits. That’s the scene that really made me go “woah, shit, this show commits” in my first watch-through. Specifically, it was the smiley-face that the Beast makes during that scene. I was like “did I just watch that happen?”, which a thought I have now had many many times over the course of future episodes as well. Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad, I suppose.

Magic: 1. Location portal (Dean Fogg travels through) 2. Portal to Fillory (described in F&F: the World in the Walls) 3. Clock in tree (spotted by Jane; placed by “the watcherwoman”) 4. Julia and Quentin getting into Brakebills (bushes vs elevator) and traveling to upstate New York 5. Magic exam test 6. (attempted) memory spell on Julia 7. Quentin makes the cards fly around the room after his exam and then builds them into a card castle before collapsing 8. Jane talks to Q in his dreams 9. The globes in Dean Fogg’s office sense magic, though they aren’t always right 10. Illusion work is used to keep friends and families of magic students from finding out they attend Brakebills 11. Lots of random practice magic from the students as Eliot and Margo give Q a tour 12. Kady floats during sex and make other things float too (including Penny) 13. Julia makes sparks happen at her birthday party 14. Pete uses magic to tie Julia up and scare her into showing her magic Julia breaks out of Pete’s trap 15. Q has another dream of Fillory and Jane Chatwin 16. Summoning spell with Q, Alice, Penny, and Kady 17. time freeze by the Beast, travels via mirror, magically kills a professor, takes Dean Fogg’s eyes

Relationships: Dean Fogg & Jane Chatwin: firm allies Quentin & Julia: best friends -> becoming estranged friends Julia & James: established relationship Quentin & James: friends -> becoming estranged friends Quentin & Eliot: early friendship/crush Quentin & Penny: bad first impression on both sides Eliot & Margo: best friends Margo & Quentin: early friendship Quentin->Alice: admires her talent Alice->Quentin: hostile -> becoming temporary allies Penny & Kady: immediate sexual/romantic relationship Margo & Alice: mutually unimpressed Eliot & Alice: mutually unimpressed Quentin->Kady: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kady->Alice & Quentin: “losers" Alice->Kady & Penny: temporary allies Penny->Alice: admires her talent Jane&Fogg->Quentin&co: manipulative mentorship Pete->Julia: impressed with her talent Julia->Pete: creeped out

Obviously a certain amount of subjectivity in this but I call ‘em like I see ‘em.

Physical contact: Jane places the magic watch in Dean Fogg’s coat pocket and then smooths his clothes out afterwards. Julia sits in her boyfriend’s lap at the party. Julia touches Q’s leg, takes his book out of his hands, snuggles up to him, and kisses him on the corner of his mouth. James jumps on top of Q and Julia in Q’s bed when he’s joking about the threeway. Other people join in. Julia and Q press up against each as they walk to Q’s Yale interview, and she touches him on the back and then brushes his hair out of his eyes. Julia and Q sit pressed up together after finding the dead body of the interviewer and she’s somewhat loosely hugging him from behind. Eliot escorts Q into the exam room with a touch on the shoulder and back. Julia and Q hug in the exam room after the test. Margo pulls out Q’s tie when they’re introduced. Margo touches Eliot’s arm when talking about the third-year class and they stayed mostly pressed up arm-to-arm for much of the later conversation. Kady and Penny have sex, and then touch casually and flirtatiously in the walking scene afterward. Margo and Eliot hold hands as they run up to talk to Q when he’s on the phone with James. Eliot leads her by the hand at Julia’s birthday party. When leaving, they hug and spin around together. James hugs Q, and then Q hugs Julia. Pete touches Julia’s face when she’s trapped by his spell. dream!Jane grabs Q’s wrist and presses his hand against the summoning symbol. Q touches Alice’s shoulder when he’s trying to tell her about the symbol burned into his hand. Alice holds his wrist to look at the symbol and then pulls him along by the wrist so they can talk more privately. Penny takes Kady by the hand when they leave. Penny and Kady are playing around/holding hands in class when the Beast arrives. The Beast pulls out Dean Fogg’s eyes and bites him? headbutts him? so that he falls. Bites him, I think. WTF, Martin?

Character Notes: Dean Fogg: mint green shoes Jane Chatwin: Martin was her twin; Rupert was her older brother. She was ‘the family skeptic’. Described by Fogg as a ‘scout; freelance, sort of’. Quentin Coldwater: Checked himself into Midtown Mental Health because he “couldn’t concentrate, eat, or get out of bed” and the “feeling of not belonging anywhere was overwhelming” and being “the most useless person who ever lived”. He was planning on selling his Fillory first editions on Ebay. His father lives in Jersey. Martin Chatwin: “gloomy nature” (as claimed by Plover) Rupert Chatwin: wounded in “the war” (WWII) Charlie Quinn: Died five years ago at Brakebills, so 2010 Julia Wicker: Was going to go to Yale for a business degree.

Students: “Missing 3rd year class” students: there are only four students in the current third year class, with sixteen having gone missing. I’m not certain exactly how many we end up accounting for over the course of the season (at least Victoria and Josh but there might be more), so I will keep track of that, too. But, for now, we have the nameless four remaining. Known 1st year students: Q, Alice, Penny, Kady. Dean Fogg mentions “I’ve got another twenty-four of you today”, which sets the class size at 25 minimum (if Q is the first new student he talked to) Known 2nd year students: Margo, Eliot

Timeline Notes: Oct. 2015: Dean Fogg meets with Jane Chatwin to discuss this current time loop. “Not Tuesday”: Quentin is checking himself out of Midtown Mental Health and mentions he has a Yale grad school interview on “Tuesday”. Tuesday: Julia goes with Quentin to his Yale interview, but the interviewer is dead. Jane is posing as an EMT and gives Quentin the unpublished Fillory and Further sixth book. Quentin starts some new meds. Tuesday Night: Quentin and Julia are pulled into Brakebills for their exam (and it is day in Brakebills) Wednesday: Q is at Brakebills; Julia is back in NYC. Q gives his new meds up to Dean Fogg. ~undisclosed amount of time passes~ Julia’s birthday: Q, Eliot, and Margo attend ~undisclosed amount of time passes~

Ways the Loop-aware Messed With Our Kids: 1. Julia was kept out of Brakebills 2. Eliot was sent out to bring Q in to take his test 3. Q and Penny are roommates in the dorms 4. Jane burns Q’s hand to encourage him to seek out Alice 5. Jane tells Q that Brakebills isn’t the point and he has a greater destiny

#TMRevisited #The Magicians #tmwk1 #long post #text post #keeping track of things

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ayearofpike · 6 years ago

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Road to Nowhere

Pocket Books, 1993 212 pages, 14 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-74508-5 LOC: CPB Box no. 700 vol. 15 OCLC: 27485847 Released February 1, 1993 (per B&N)

Scorned by her parents, spurned by her boyfriend, shoved aside by her best friend, Teresa Chafey is on the run. She hops in her car and heads into the night with only the vaguest of destinations: north. Before she gets too far, she picks up a pair of hitchhikers, and they exchange stories of life’s unfair endings as they drive. But as Teresa drives, she gets sicker, and she learns more about the two strangers in her car and how they got there, and she begins to realize that there’s one big ending awaiting her unless she can forgive and move on.

I didn’t remember much about this story from my early reads, but I do remember liking it. It’s interesting that I never came back to this one very much, because it does seem to be right up my alley: minimal characters, single point of view, realistic settings, just a hair of the supernatural. I also greatly appreciate on re-read how the whole thing takes place in Teresa’s dream state. Yeah, this is a cliche, but the structure holds up. Some of these “it was all a dream” type books don’t have enough weight in the narrative to get by without a lot of explanation either before or after, but Road to Nowhere gives us what we need in the middle. And a big part of that is the storytelling mechanic employed by the characters.

It would be easy to have a story about telling stories feel a little dry and inorganic (and as I recall, we’ll get there soon enough), but because these stories are autobiographical (yes, it’s obvious that the hitchers are talking about themselves, even though they’ve assumed names) it feels important and natural. A contributing factor might be the in media res beginning, with Teresa storming out to her car and taking off before we even actually know what’s upsetting her. She picks up her hitchers, Freedom Jack and Poppy Corn (seriously), just before the freeway on-ramp, and each spins a story of lost love and life lessons.

Rather than break this down chapter by chapter, I’m going to summarize each character’s stories. Lucky for you, reader, this format doesn’t lend to as long a post as I often subject you to.

I’ll start with Teresa, since it’s her fault we’re in this car in the first place. She’s also the only one to talk openly about herself. She describes meeting her boyfriend at the mall while Christmas shopping, and how he gets her talking about herself like she’s never really done with anyone else. In fact, he gets her to play guitar and sing for him when she is afraid to perform anything for anybody. We’re led to understand that this comes from her mom not thinking anything she does is ever good enough, and so she hides things from her parents, including this talent. But her boyfriend thinks she’s so good that he gets her in as a performer at a nightclub, and her best friend wants to come and see her too. Of course, while Teresa is up on stage she can’t supervise the budding relationship between her two companions, and they fall for each other. The last thing Teresa remembers before getting in the car and driving off was going to her boyfriend’s house with a knife and seeing the two in each other’s arms.

Free goes next. He describes a gifted yet hot-headed young man named John, who falls in love with a girl named Candy and helps her cheat her way through school. Unfortunately, he gets caught helping her, and rather than take his lumps and move on, he beats up the teacher and goes to juvenile hall. When he gets out, his college options have been wiped away, and so he takes a job in a bakery, where he comes up with efficient solutions to economize production. Unfortunately, his manager is a dick. Not only does he take credit for John’s optimization, but he also alters the machines so that when John is demonstrating a change he gets his hand caught and loses two fingers. There’s no way to prove it, but John is hell-bent on trying, and is too proud to take a settlement. But when the defense brings up his assault of the high school teacher, John flips out, to the point where there’s no way a decision will go his way. He’s stuck with a throbbing injury, a dependence on painkillers, and no real option for relief. Except robbery. He starts with pay phones and vending machines, but has to escalate to convenience stores. But of course the first job goes wrong when John sees Candy walk in. He’s shot and killed, but as he’s lying on the ground there’s another gunshot and Candy falls onto him, dying as well.

Poppy tells Candy’s side of the story. Like, this is the only place where the structure of this story falls apart — are we actually expected to believe that the stories Free and Poppy are telling are in any way not about themselves? It’s just so obvious. We could argue that it’s because I already know the story, but I’m not sure if that’s true. It’s been twenty years, at least, after all.

But so Candy’s story is about what happens after John leaves her life. She gets up to college and realizes she can’t hang, but she falls for a teacher and gets enough help to muddle through, at least for a little while. Of course, shit happens, the teacher gets her pregnant, and she decides to go away and have the baby, who she loves more than anything ever. It’s the kick in the ass Candy needs to figure out how to take care of herself. She does the crazy single mom thing of working and going to school both full-time while taking care of a baby, nails down a nursing degree, and moves back home so her parents can have a grandson while she works. But of course she’s got this nasty smoking habit that she can’t kick, and it’s while she’s stopping to pick up a carton of cigarettes that she finds John, the only man she’s ever loved, robbing the store.

The whole time, Teresa is feeling sicker and sicker. Her wrist hurts, her hands are clammy, she’s got a headache, and her throat is dry. Also, the road isn’t really taking them through the region she expected, and none of the towns are where she thinks they should be. They do stop a few times, at her passengers’ insistence: once at the house of a mystic fortune teller (who Free calls his mother) who tells Teresa she’s afraid of love and just wants attention (which is maybe why she gives up the booty to Free in a back room) and once at a church where a priest (Poppy’s father) is trying to help Teresa remember the blank space between her boyfriend’s house and her car. They also hit several convenience stores for snacks and beer — but the last time, Free pulls a gun and starts robbing the place. A young nurse walks in, and he tells Teresa to hold her at bay with the knife in her back pocket. The knife Teresa didn’t remember. The knife she didn’t feel until that very moment. The knife that slips and cuts the nurse’s throat when Free shoots the clerk in the face.

As if this wasn’t disconcerting enough, the next stop is a familiar-looking apartment complex; specifically, a familiar-looking apartment where the bathroom door is closed and the water is running. Free pulls a video tape out of thin air and sticks it in the VCR, and it shows Teresa climbing into her car and driving away. And then he rewinds it, to Teresa in the bathtub, cutting her wrist open with the knife she found in her back pocket.

So we finally start to see what’s going on. Teresa is dying, and Free and Poppy are the dead souls of John and Candy, one devil and one angel, fighting over her soul. Only Poppy has an ulterior motive. She’s come along on this journey to show John that he wasn’t so bad, and that he doesn’t deserve his torment. See, he’s struggled with the understanding that in his last moments of life, he flexed his fingers and fired the bullet that killed Candy. But he didn’t. She tells him that it was the police officer, trying to take him down but misfiring and hitting her. In fact, this has been her message the whole night: tell the truth, act with love, and forgive the past. If she can get Teresa to do that, she can still be saved.

Like, literally: all of a sudden Teresa’s spirit skips to the fire in her boyfriend’s house, and she sees the philandering pair on the rug in front of it, and she’s ready to forgive them. And as the anger flies away, a log in the coals pops and shoots a spark onto her boyfriend’s arm, waking him up. He looks around, bewildered, and sees Teresa’s key in the door, where she left it in her rage. And before he can even puzzle things out, he knows she’s in trouble and takes off to help her.

Our epilogue (which Pike seems to have figured out the workings of, suddenly) finds Teresa waking up in the hospital, watched over by a young pre-med student. He tells her that her boyfriend found her and brought her in, and that there are four people waiting to see her. She talks about her anger and her sadness, and they commiserate together, and all of a sudden she realizes that he is Candy’s young son, left behind when she died in a robbery. And that’s it.

I find it interesting to think about how Pike’s juggling interests in different religions and traditions while he writes these vaguely mystical works. There’s some very clear Catholic background in a lot of these works, but he’s also working in his interest in Buddhism and Hinduism and other Eastern traditions. It’s not a solution that works for everyone, but the idea of giving up the things that make your blood boil and forgiving people who wrong you to take the next step toward enlightenment does have a lot of basis in religion. As long as we acknowledge this baseline, Road to Nowhere works as a story. It’s not a book we should base our belief system on or anything, but it hangs together for Teresa.

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tanyaodebra · 5 years ago

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You 2.2: “Just the Tip” – Of the Iceberg

“Just the Tip” opens on a fish market, because so many things about both Joe and Love are very fucking fishy. Catfish, anyone? (The penis-y title paired with a vaginal allusion has not gone unnoticed, btw.) Our resident cool girl saunters from table to table loudly demonstrating her seafood savvy, so I’m holding strong to the idea that she might be baiting our antihero to serve him on a platter. Unable to stay in reality for two consecutive minutes, Joe takes a stroll down memory lane to the moment he believes his Love story began – one whole week ago with his arrival at LAX. There he spots a celeb to whom he immediately and favorably compares himself by employing the ultimate backdoor brag, praising himself for being so humble. Must be tough to be perfect.

The next stop on Joe’s journey to Love brings us to the inception of his new identity, where the real Will Bettelheim shows just how much he deserves everything that’s coming to him by daring to bitch about GMOs and the state of animal farming in Joe’s presence. Joe has hired Will to scrub his identity, but that’s not good enough for our Joe. As usual, he wants what he can’t, or shouldn’t, have; in this case, it’s Will’s identity. In a moment of cosmic irony, Will blurts out the whole conceit for You, that no one ever suspects white guys. He quickly feels the consequences of his own miscalculation as Joe cracks his skull with a cement brick. The timeline jumps ahead close to where we left off at the end of the last episode, when Joe is trying to figure out who Jasper is and why he came looking for Will. Shocker, the guy Joe hired off Craigslist and who had to scrub his own identity is into some shady shit. Looks like Will owes Dark Web Jasper three large for services never rendered. This is no sweat for a professional book counterfeiter like Joe, especially since LA is full of dumb-dumbs who will buy anything. Something about this feels a little too easy.

Back to the fishmonger’s ball where Love, who is serving major Liv Tyler in Empire Records vibes, demonstrates that she has absolutely zero healthy boundaries by kissing Joe for the first time completely out of the blue. A sucker for “romance,” Joe takes his own slapshot in this game of tonsil hockey and gets nothing but net with the catch of the day. Uh-oh, look out. Is that… Beck lurking in the shadows? Ex-girlfriends, amirite? They just don’t know when to stay dead and buried. Lucky for Joe, she’s vanished as swiftly as she appeared. In the meantime, Joe the daydreamer has missed Love’s proposition: lunch with her friends. If memory serves, Joe wasn’t too fond of his old girlfriend’s pals. In fact, he even murdered one (RIP Peach Salinger). That Love is pressing Joe to meet her buddies so soon might be another hint that she is fucking with him. Or maybe she’s a big old roll of cling-wrap attempting to cover the world’s deepest black hole, and now he’s going for a walk on the stalk-ee side of the street. Either way, it’s pretty karmic.

Out at the dumpster behind Anavrin, an affable fellow calls out to Joe, or rather, to Will. Jasper (Steven W. Bailey) isn’t nearly as scary as we may have imagined, and it seems Joe will be able to pay up and be done with the whole messy business – that is, until Joe discovers Will owes fifty grand, not three. And here’s where the joke in the title of the episode pays off. Jasper cuts off the tip of Joe’s pinky finger, throws it on ice and keeps it as collateral for the balance of the debt, all with a smile on his face. Looks like Joe should have listened to his mentor, Ellie, when she called the guy a creep. When Joe circles back to the plexiglass prison where he’s storing the real Will, he finds a sniveling mess in dire need of his meds. Even though Will can barely function, he’s somehow able to recall a fifty thousand-dollar IOU Joe can claim. In order to hunt those ducats, Joe must cancel his lunch date with Love and her squad. Upon receiving the news, Love, who knows no bounds, returns a text with a fucking phone call. Like, I don’t believe in The Rules, but come on. Show a modicum of chill. Of course, Lonely Boy doesn’t have any boundaries either, so he finds this adorable. He comes up with an alibi blaming Forty, which Love does not seem to buy, and decides to go to the lunch anyway in the capacity of a cap-wearing creep peeping from behind a plant. To Joe’s surprise, the group decides they like the sound of him, and he reciprocates with his own stamp of approval. It seems Beck’s ghost does not approve of Joe’s happiness, because here she is again, cockblocking from the other side.

Remember Joe has a severed finger? He finally does, too. Joe must endure a noontime LA party to find Will’s debtor, Rufus, endearingly named in a nod to Penn Badgley’s Gossip Girl father. Guests at the party just will not believe that Joe is not John Mayer, and they honestly might be right. Dude looks EXACTLY like John Mayer, a true fact that I hadn’t noticed before. As he traipses around the party, he spots the celeb from the airport – a comedian named Hendy (Chris D’Elia). Guess who else is at this party? Delilah the landlady. Small world made smaller by the fact that she knows Rufus, and also Hendy. When he notice’s Joe’s hand, Hendy recommends the same microsurgeon as Jake, which shores up Joe’s good opinion of Hendy earlier earned in a brief Google search. Delilah vehemently disagrees, storming out of the party. We learn later that Hendy raped her when she was seventeen. Delilah points to this experience as the reason she sees right through Joe’s bullshit – she knows he’s bad news and she warns him to stay away from her and Ellie. Back at the party, Joe finds Rufus who hands over a huge bag, not of money but of pills – Will’s meds.

Joe doubles back to his (or Will’s) place to tend to his wound, and of course Love turns up uninvited, and she is displeased. You guys, I fucking love soap operas. Guess who Forty is to her? Her fucking TWIN BROTHER! I live for this shit. According to common knowledge, twins share everything, so now Love knows Joe lied about his reason for bailing on her friends. While Joe spins some wild yarn in his head about doing all this crazy shit so they can be together, she whips out the dead husband card in order to emotionally strongarm Joe into being her boyfriend. And since this is exactly the type of shit Joe lives for, everybody’s favorite ghost steals the scene again, which makes Joe flip his lid. It’s like, can’t a guy do a few little murders and then live in blissful peace? Love draws the line at yelling (boy is she in for a surprise if she gets to see his true colors) and hightails it out of there. Perfect, because Joe really needs to see to that finger.

Joe meets Jasper at the storage unit. Seeing that he’s never going to raise his dough from the whimpering puddle otherwise known as Will, Jasper lunges at Joe. But Joe is a seasoned killer and he takes Jasper out lickety-split, butchering him Sweeney Todd-style and ditching trash bags filled with his ground-up body in a dumpster. Right alongside this scene, Love hacks away at a rack of lamb with a large butcher knife. As she prepares the rest of her dinner, she cracks a couple of eggs with one hand. Vivisected balls much? Joe shows up at Love’s door – even that psychopath knows to text first – and he bravely drops the knowledge he learned from Beck’s ghost; it’s not that he’s afraid of getting hurt, it’s that he’s afraid of hurting her. Love does all the heavy lifting for him and warps this loud siren into whatever she wants to hear, which is that they need to be in a relationship. Let me remind you once again that it has only been ONE WEEK. Love pulls the classic high school move of claiming friendship when her motives of partnering are so, so transparent. Both are playing this game, though, so Joe is delighted by her willingness to wait for him. Aw! Gross!

And just like that, old Joe is right back in his comfort zone – panty-snatchin’ and trophy-hidin’. This is a pretty high bar to set for episode two; Joe’s only been in LA for one week and he’s already got a body count. Can’t wait for episode three! See You then!

#you netflix recap season2 episode2

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batchaoticcollectionnight-blog · 7 years ago

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Car insurance switch?

"Car insurance switch?

i do have a problem with my current car insurance company processing a cal accident claim , and it wasnt my fault and i did choose to file the claim on the insurance of the person hit my car specially that we both have same insurance company so can i switch my car insurance to another company , and still get my claim or my car fixed with my current insurance company im having problem with ? or i have to stick with this car insurance untill my car fixed , and then switch to another car insurance ?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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I've been driving close to a decade. I am under my father's insurance. My sister recently is not anymore. Because we have all been under my father insurance, my sister who has more driving experience is consider a new driver. Because of this her rates are very high. But since both of us have a decade more of driving experience surly this can do something about the rates? What happens if you do not have car insurance or it expired recently? Isn't it required? If you get into accident with other driver and you do not have insurance what happens? Is any cheap car insurance better than none? for 27yr old what is the best insurance for you, if you drive the family's car? If you want to buy your own, used car. How do you go about it?""

What is the most common health insurance?

what is the most common health insurance

Insurance after a crash motorbike!?

My Son has a motorbike crash last month. The police managed to look at CCTV footage and tell me the crash was not his fault. It was the fault of the motorbike in front that swerved in front of him. Anyway my sons bike was insures 3rd Party With no legal cover The bike was so badly damaged it was going to cost over 2k for me to fix it up but 4k to get it looking new. The bike was brand new 4 months ago. I had nowhere to store it so let the garage keep it for 600 My question is as he was only 3rd party where does the claim lie. The insurance company tells me I have no legal cover and they do not seem to be advising me of what to do. Ive heard nothing from them The bike has 4k outstanding on it as a family member loaned my son the cash, which he still has to pay back. What can I do to get some of the cash back for the bike?""

What insurance coverage should i get?

i purchased a motorcycle for 1800 dollars and parts are cheap for it so what coverages do i need and which ones dont i need

Why are my car insurance quotes so high?

I am 17 years old, male, my birthday is 7/11/94. I am looking to buy a car to learn to drive in then finally fully insure. I have not passed my test you but when asked on insurance website's I have put under the 'time held licence for as 1 month just to get a realistic view. I have tried a huge variety of cars but I just can't seem to get them to a reasonable price. For example I have been quoted 5999 on a seat alto 1.0 litre on gocompare. I have also tried adding my father as an additional driver who has 15+ years of experience and no claims. I am currently a student and have stated that the car would be parked on the drive. I live in a semi detached house in a small town. Please can anyone help me on getting it down as low as possible. The only cars I would not consider are 1. citroen saxo, 2. ford ka, 3. any form of fiat.""

Car insurance switch?

Car Insurance?

I am just trying to get some quotes on maybe what my car insurance would be. I don't have the kind of car that I want yet but I was just trying to get an estimate and check and see what it would be around.. Can I get any quotes without the Vin Number?

Cheapest car insurance for 17 year old?!?

I'm looking at car insurance and the cheapest i can find is around 2000, that's 166 a month and i can't afford that :/ I'm looking to get a renault clio, corsa or a ford KA, anyone know any really cheap car insurance places i can look at?! X""

Motorcycle insurance?

Hey everyone just looking for some good places to go for my motorcycle insurance. I live in california L.A, county more east. Anyways im 27 no tickets anything for the last couple of years. i know you cant tell me a price but i was looking for places that have good deals and customer services. im just looking for liability. 2007 kawaski zzr. thanks guys.""

""Do you have to have car insurance, or does the car you are driving have to be insured?""

If you are driving a car, the car has to be insured, right? What if it is not your car - then it just has to be insured, right? If you have no insurance yourself, it's okay as long as the car is insured... right?""

""What is the best choice for life insurance age 34 term, universal, whole, accidental?""

What is the best choice for life insurance age 34 term, universal, whole, accidental?""

Auto insurance price? 16 year old.?

I am 16 in June. I own a mustang lx but it is the 2.3l model that my company geico doesn't classify dangerous or a sports car. My dad has wonderful credit. The car and insurance is in his name. So is my car ad tittle and tag. Basically to keep costs down everything is tech his. I will be listed as driving 10-15% of the time As a secondary driver. His driving record is clear and great credit. He has a jeep patriot 2013 and my 1989 lx mustang will be the 2nd car. They got a brand new car and his credit when checked was about the best possible. Forget the numbers but literally the best possible by a few. Never missed payments etc. so about how much a year or every 6 months would my 89 4 banger mustang cost to insure?

What will a car insurance company check?

I've just made my first claim ever for a car accident, I was rear ended at a traffic light and the other driver accepted liability immediately, however what details will their insurance company check about me? I've made the claim through my insurance but want it to be handled stress free! Thanks in advance!""

How cheap would my insurance rates be?

A friend on mine had recent gotten a 99 Civic 2 dr and his insurance is 80$ a month. If i get a 94 Civic with 4drs, how much cheaper would it be going to the same insurance company, having a older year, and it not being a sports car? We are both 17. Also, How much do you think my rates would be for a 21 year old owning both a 95 Civic and a 2001 Corvette? Its kind of late to call the insurance company now so i want an opinion. =D Thanks""

How can i make my truck engine more powerful?

i have an 05 ford ranger 3.0 6 cyl 4 wd and i want to make it more powerful. what parts or should i upgrade and what brands are reliable and cost effective. im only 16 and make about 500 bucks a month before taxes and insurance etc. so i really need the parts to be cost effective

What kind of new car is the cheapest to insure ?

I currently drive a leased 2011 Hyundai Santa Fe SUV. The full coverage insurance on this car is now $113.00 per month. Last year it was $108.00 per month. I will be in the market for a new leased vehicles soon and I want to know what cars or SUV are the cheapest to insure. Any websites I can look at ?

Policy loan from life insurance interest pay to insurance company! why?

Any one can tell me, loan money from life insurance policy cash value intrest collect from the lisurance company, the cash value is my own money, should I paid intrest back to myself? not to insurance company""

What is the cheapest car to insure for a 17 year old male? 10 points?

I'm getting ridiculous quotes for a Citreon C1 Group E insurance for 7000+ under 1 liter engine size !!! By using compare the market and other comparison sites! Where can I find affordable insurance quotes? My brother was insured on a 06 1.2 Polo for 2,300 and only been driving for 6 months. surely a C1 will be cheaper!! Need help""

""What company can I use to purchase private dental insurance in Seattle, WA?""

which dental company can I use to purchase affordable dental care privately, not through an employee? For anyone age 18 and over and would cover basic dental visits and surgery such ...show more""

Anyone in Florida with a 220 insurance license?

I want to study for the 220 insurance test but before going to the school i needed to get a head start, and was looking for some study material can anyone help or send some lititure to study??""

I cant find car insurance that will cover a learner driver and a passed driver for a month?

I am trying to pass my test as soon as possible but didn't have access to a car to do extra practice between lessons. So I have bought a car before I have passed so that I can go out practising with my mum. However I cant find any short cover (1 month) insurance which will insure us both, they seem to only do learner driver insurance which has to be bought on top of the normal insurance OR only insure drivers with a full license. However buying both together is over 300 for only 28 days for the ones I checked. Can anyone come up with an affordable way to practice in my own car? Thanks""

Do I need to be on the insurance to get my license?

Im about to be 18 and I have an appointment at the California DMV to get my license. I've had my permit for a year. my boyfriend wants to take me. his car is registered and everything is fine but his insurance doesnt cover other people driving his car. can I take the DMV test in his car or not?

Old car insurance help?

just bought a new car and part exchanged my old one but the old one still had some months of insurance, can i get my money back for the un-used months? this ill help fund the new car's insurance""

""Will my car insurance rates go up, hit and run accident?""

I was parked out of my girlfriends house and apparently during my visit someone had hit my car that was parked on the side of the road. The other car just nicked my bumper (no damage to fender) but hit it hard enough to totally tear the bumper off the driver side and the front of the car and was left dangling on the passenger side. There were also scratches on the top of my driver side mirror, and the mirror itself popped out and was shattered. Basically my question is...if I claim it, will my rates go up? I believe I am insured under my parent's names and not my own. I had one accident that was my fault about 2 years ago.""

Car insurance help?

A while back my nephew ran into a car that was stopped on a bridge. Both vehicles had liability insurance. They determine that it was my nephew's fault. His insurance paid and now the insurance are trying to get money back. Why?

Insurance adjusters?

I'm looking for a school in southern california that offers training in insurance adjusting. i'm trying to obtain my license in california and want to take a course

What is the best insurance policy for a child age 6.5 year?

Some Cheap Auto Insurance Companies for Young Drivers?

Can you list cheap auto insurance companies for young drivers please?

Honda CBR 125r... Insurance price for a 17 year old?

(UK!) I'm really interested in motorbikes, and in 18 months - the painful wait - I am looking at buying my first bike, a Honda CBR 125r. Due to the low horse power of the bike, I can ride it with just a CBT after my 17th birthday if I'm not mistaken, which will reduce my costs as I won't need to take lessons and a test. With leathers, helmet, boots, gloves, CBT, as well as the bike, I worked out I would need to save at least 2200... However, I have no idea what insurance would be. I understand insurance prices fluctuate according to location etc, but I have no idea at all. So even a completely rough estimate, even if it could be out by 150 would be useful. Thank you for reading, hope you can help. :-)""

Proof of insurance question?

The transmission went out of my car. A friend who does auto repair told me it would cost approx $1200 to fix. So I decided to scrap the car & get another. I cancelled insurance on old one & bought another 1 1/2 months later. The car was not driveable. Now I have to prove why I didn't have ins on the car and still had plates registered to it. I called & wrote a letter to the state and they said to send an estimate from an ASE cert. mechanic or tow bill or pictures. I don't have a tow bill. I didn't get out of the driveway. I don't need an ASE mechanic to tell me what is wrong w/the car and picutres of a transmission are stupid. I have received a written est from the guy and have statements from neighbors saying the car was not running. What more can I do?????? I don't want my license suspended.

What company will insure my toyota supra twin turbo?

In perth, wa. Youngest driver 19 years old""

Car insurance switch?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/does-number-doors-car-affect-insurance-rate-karin-baker"

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vicariousgirl-blog · 8 years ago

Text

if i’m to be honest with myself, i would say that i’m worried about me. i cried many times this week. each time i talked about my sexual assault i cried. i didn’t mean to. i wanted simply to tell my loved one my secret but each time i start feeling shaky, feel my mind crumple, a choking sensation in my throat. at this point, i have told only two people, my best friend at college and my best friend from high school. three people know, the third individual being the one who extracted the truth out of me one week ago. i don’t know if i’ll ever tell anyone beyond these individuals. it’s something that still confuses me and something that scares me deeply. i’m fearful of how easily my mind was deceived into thinking that it didn’t matter and then the swiftness with which i forgot all of it. i’m afraid because i don’t fully understand what triggered my memory now. i wonder if there are more demons i’ve hidden away that will one day come out into the open. i know that s had a lot to do with it: do you trust me, he repeated over and over again. i said to him that no one had paid attention to the frailty beneath my facade of perfection. no one ever noticed before, except drunk s the first friday back to school my sophomore spring. it was by luck that he was in the state to truly push me to the limit of my constrained mind, otherwise i may have stuffed it down deeper for another couple years. i have spent my entire life crafting my porcelain-smooth exterior. doing things for others to chase away my demons became my pastime. i ran for office to give myself an extra boost onto the pedestal where my appearances come first. i realize now that there were many moments that led to my revelation. first, it was a’s own sexual assault. in december, she told me about how she cried when he forced himself on her. i tried to comfort her. then, it was h talking about blowjob skills that she’d learned from her friends from home. i told her that i’d given a couple blowjobs before. as i was reaching for the story to tell her, i began to realize that not remembering the experience fully was not okay and not fun and definitely non-con. she agreed with me. that night in bed, i stared up at the ceiling as i pondered whether what’d happened to me was consensual or not. my google search: was i raped. and then: what is sexual assault. an announcement popped up, it was the number for the national sexual assault hotline. and i brushed it off because i thought there was no way that could be for me.

on friday night, i returned from a basketball game recruitment event for the new women’s organization i was trying to join to meet s at his housewarming. i’d been awake since 8 am and was quickly becoming exhausted. the plan was to get up early the following morning to make it to the final recruitment event at the city food bank. i intended to show my face to demonstrate my commitment to our friendship, decline any offers to drink, and then leave. i arrived to his apartment alone and left alone. in between, i met s’ high school friends visiting the campus. one girl i’d known in high school at the summer camp we both worked at. another guy i knew from a physics course we took together that same summer. and then, s was introducing me to everyone at the party. s was trying to get me to take a shot. three times he asked, i hid the cup on the counter of red solo cups. but i began worrying about not being fun so i joined the game of rage cage. as bad at rage cage as i was, i ended up drinking almost all the beer on the table. before long, i was next to s’ friend a, asking him intently about how he intended to live his life after graduation. i kissed him or he kissed me and soon we were making out in the corner. moments or a long time later, time i cannot count because of my inebriation, the RA came in to shut down the gathering. i pulled a into the bathroom to avoid getting in trouble. we made out more while the RA was writing up other people. at this point, i began sobering. with sobriety came embarrassment: embarrassment at how fucking predictable i was and at the trashiness of my behavior. i ran out to s’ room to grab my things to leave. s told us to stay inside awhile longer while he cleaned everything up and i was stuck in the room with a, this time no longer trashed. s walked me out to the gate and as we walked, he demanded to know if i kissed a. still a little drunk, i said i didn’t want to tell him. he pushed again. i responded that it didn’t matter! and that s should ask a himself if he really wanted to know so badly. five tries later, i broke down. i told him. s: wtf, he’s my friend from middle school, now you’ve made us eskimo brothers. you’re probably the first girl he’s ever kissed, he’s supposed to marry some nice pre-med girl and settle down in the bay. the clear implication: he’s not supposed to make out with someone like you, it’s not part of his destiny. by someone like you, s meant: the girl who makes out with someone at every party, with baggage and demons she can’t explain, someone who is clearly spiraling. you’re bad for him, is what i knew he meant to say.

why are you like this! s asked me: i don’t understand. your behavior when drunk is so antithetical to what you’re like when you’re sober. i don’t believe that being drunk makes people different. they may lose their inhibitions. so what is it then? what is it? what the fuck is it? why are you like this?

i don’t know, i responded weakly. i have no idea. it’s not that i want to do this. it’s not like i show up parties wanting to return home wasted and having severed social connections because i’ve made out with another person i barely know.

you must know, he said. just tell me. tell me. do you trust me? do you? you know i care about you as a friend. you know that, right. you must know that i care about you as a person, that i like the way you think.

yes, i answered. i know. i’m glad. thank you. but this isn’t something i can tell you. it’s something i need to figure out on my own. i barely understand any of this myself, so please s, just drop it.

no, no, i care about you and i want to know. this is important. do you trust me? listen, look at me, do you trust me?

back and forth we went. my sense of time disappeared. tell me, he repeated. i care about you, he said. and finally, the tears came.

okay, okay, but there’s so many things. that’s fine, he said. there’s the guys i knew in high school who tossed me around and never cared about who i actually was. there’s my dad i had a horrible relationship with my senior year of high school. when i broke curfew once, he made me kneel in the foyer while he screamed at me with his quivering chin. and.

i’m beginning to realize i may have been sexually assaulted. this happened almost year ago, it was one of my floormates. i knew him, his name was g. and the tears really came. i couldn’t stop sobbing. my spine trembled and i choked on my own words. s tucked my mussed hair back behind my ears. he looked me in the eye. he pulled me into a hug and i cried into his shoulder. and then i just cried. i stood there in the parking lot of his apartment complex behind a row of parked cars, sobbing. s stood there patiently and waited.

no one has ever paid attention enough to notice, s. i tried so hard to ignore it and it worked. there are so many things, s, that i don’t even know how they all fit together. so i’m thankful, i am. thank you for noticing that this isn’t right. thank you for noticing that this might not be me, it might be my demons getting the best of me, that i’m not the one running after all of this sex and kisses and bodies. the worst part is, i told him, is how i don’t even know where my own will begins and my dad’s ends. as a child, i didn’t know how to make decisions. i simply did what was asked of me, by anyone in my life who felt entitled. i was ella enchanted, the queen who couldn’t stop obeying. i told him that he was one of the first close guy friends i had, because i’d been so carelessly dismissed by guys i knew in high school. he explained the merits of being in a relationship, though he was concerned he wasn’t approaching relationships in the most healthy of ways. he insisted that he wasn’t recommending me a boyfriend. i explained how that wouldn’t be possible for me for a very long time. without understanding how to actively consent nor how to meaningfully say no, i don’t feel safe entering a relationship with a man.

hours later, i walked back to my apartment alone. it was a different kind of walk of shame. i was emotionally exhausted but knew i’d need to stay awake if i was hoping to make it to the volunteer event at 7. i found my roommate asleep on the couch. i retreated to my room. when my groggy roommate stumbled in a couple moments later, she saw me flipping the new economics textbook i’d just received in the mail. 2 hours later, i dragged myself to the food bank volunteer event, where i resumed my old self as a chirpy, fun potential new member. i spent the day worrying about if i’d hallucinated all of it. i questioned the reality of my conversation with s, the memories i’d recalled, my experience in november 2015. i had lunch with my good friend h with whom i ate poke. it was kind and wonderful. but then, i returned home alone. alone again, i was lost in my thoughts. in my mind, i had the words now: sexual assault. i googled the definition again. it sounded just like me and i wondered why it’d taken me so long. my delay, i was certain, was grown out of fear of thinking about what it meant to genuinely recognize my experience as one of sexual assault. i sat in my room and then fell asleep for the night. when i woke up, i saw s again and then h by accident. the next day was also disorienting because i’d napped for so long the day before. i overslept for brunch with my board team. the whole time at the meeting i felt like my mind was detached from my body. i had trouble focusing my vision and making eye contact. i couldn’t look in the eye our org president, didn’t feel like i had the energy to bring up my own idea or suggestions because i didn’t have the mental strength to defend them. then i was talking to my friend z, the head of our board. we talked about our families and our futures, familiar topics that we’d talked about for. i felt human again. though my earth had been shaken, i was still the same person and others would continue to treat me as such.

i came back to my room and the curiosity was too much. i needed to know if what’d happened to me was sexual assault. guessing on my own and truly knowing were very different things. i felt like the past two days i’d been living an imposter’s life, mired in untruth. i called the hotline i’d googled nights earlier. i was rerouted to the ywca, incidentally at a chapter i’d tried to volunteer with in the summer. i was asked for my phone number. then i was asked my age, zip code, and ethnicity. why? i asked, afraid of exposing my identity. i gave them my starbucks name. i want to know if what happened to me was sexual assault. i just want to know. after telling her what happened that night, she told me that it was definitely non-consensual, which is the definition of sexual assault. she told me that it wasn’t my fault, that it was a flaw of the society in which we live that girls are told that these situations are okay or not bad at least. the tears returned. she told me i was brave for sharing. sitting alone in the courtyard of my apartment complex, i sobbed.

#january 2017

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