#which brings me to my next point i‘ve been doing this for almost 5 years now which adds onto the pressure since everyone‘s like wow this

[agu5td-moved]

.

[theanxiousunicorn]

Anxiety

I have been living with it for so long it’s almost become a side kick. A friend.

If it’s with me all the time it can’t jump out at me and take me down as it has many many times before!

If I’m already expecting the worst to happen .... it’s just always such a beautiful and wonderful day when it doesn’t.

If I embrace my anxious feelings of palpitations, jelly legs, shortness of breath, disconnection, I can mind over matter them.

Oh yeah! That’s a thing!

I believe it’s called “high functioning anxiety”

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-high-functioning-anxiety-4140198 explains it really well.

What really resonates with me is the section that says;

“If you have high functioning anxiety, you've likely become adept at presenting a false persona to the world and never show your true feelings to anyone.

Instead, you keep it all bottled up inside and compartmentalize your feelings with a plan to deal with them later (but later never comes).

I couldn’t have put it better myself! I have a handful of people that know the “truth” and at my age I think that’s pretty good going! As I feel anxious (lockdown aside) usually from a few minutes before I realise I have to leave the house and for the majority of the day. To only have a handful of people truly know the inner turmoil means .... I must be a very talented actress!

I have had anxiety and panic attacks mixed with bouts of depression since lower school. I could never verbalise it at that age (I was 5!) I think it came out as “stomach ache” or “I feel sick” which isn’t untrue! And it wasn’t until I was 16 when I finally told the truth about how I felt after years of feeling a freak, that I was the only one, the constant fight or flight battle going on within me that caused me to get into no end of trouble at school (flight literally meant ... out of the school gates and home!) uncomfortable situations with friends where I would abruptly leave sleepovers in the middle of the night, cancel plans last minute, not leave my bunk bed on school trips and dissolve into uncontrollable tears at every opportunity because I just did not know what was wrong! I just knew I felt terrible everywhere but at home.

So to look back now at all of that, and look at myself today. My own office. An OFFICE! A team of 5 employees. Attendance at board meetings. A Head of a Department. I have to think (as does anyone that knew me at school and soon after!) how?? How have I done this??

Am I on the right mix of medication?

No. I am not on any for anxiety or depression much to my GP’s distress!

Am I on an expensive therapy of some kind?

No. But I have tried them all! And can hand on heart say CBT is the only one I would recommend. (From my experience)

Am I anxiety and panic attack free?

Sadly no! My panic attacks have .... mutated shall we say! Over the years. I learned to ignore them coming, and could minimise the damage! So my brain found other ways to warn me! That were more severe. I now recognise those as anxiety attacks also (after some scary experiences!) and am able to manage this a bit better. But will I ever be free of them? I really don’t know. But I do hope so!

The anxious feelings at this point I sadly do bring on myself. It’s become my side kick. If I don’t feel anxious leaving home (lockdown aside ... again! we aren’t meant to be out a lot!) then I seem to think about it until it comes. And I believe that is because I secretly feel if it’s already there it can’t come out of nowhere! Like it has in the past.

But I’ll tell you this! I have gone through stages in life where I couldn’t leave the house, stages where I couldn’t leave my BEDROOM! I used to hold on to the need to pee rather than go to the bathroom which was in the next room! I had people think I was having a full on breakdown (maybe I was) I‘ve had eating disorders that have brought me down to less than 6 stone and driven my family to their wits end.

I have lost friends, jobs, relationships, not been able to explain my behaviour, I’ve felt I’m losing my mind. But I’m here! A manager, a wife, a dog mum! I’m here x

[ecofinisher]

¡Vamos a España! - Chap 11

Chapter 11

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29442912/chapters/73714710

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13819897/11/Vamos-a-Espa%C3%B1a

https://www.wattpad.com/1038149966-%C2%A1vamos-a-espa%C3%B1a-chapter-11

Rollan lied over the bed cover asleep along with the triplets, which were clung together around his legs. Luta the weasel lied next to Rollan's back and the boy had the plush he had the last night on the table lying under his cheek and his entire front lied over the mattress, leaving his arms loose over it.

The door of his room got opened back and Leticia, the mother of Rollan got into the bedroom to open the window shutter then looked at the bed of her son as the sunlight blinded in and saw the sun dig his face onto the pillow making the older woman chuckle. Luta woke up and peeked at the teenage boy which was sleeping and jumped in his back, then began to nudge him on the back to wake him up, but it led him to a soft groaning.

'Levanta-te, Hijo. It's your first day at the guard Academy," The mother warned watching Luta sniff Rollan on his neck and the shuddering nose of Luta caused Rollan a ticklish feeling.

"Gerda, you're tickling me" Commented the boy making Luta squeak amused at the reaction of the raven-haired.

"Ay mi Hijo. Andale, you're going to miss your ride with this," Leticia warned shaking the boy on his arm, then Luta jumped on his head shrieking him.

"Luta, your claws!" Rollan complained, then watched his mother observe the weasel approaching the troll cubs to wake them up. "Buenos Dias, mama," Rollan greeted. "What time is it?"

"5:30, time to get ready for breakfast"

"Muy bien. I'm going to get a shower before breakfast…... Are you sure you can take care of the cubs?"

"Si, Don't worry. I will make sure they're safe,"

"Gracias mama. I promise I will take care of them after work," Rollan assured that to his mother then opened the drawers of his commode to take out another shirt to put on and picked new underwear, thereafter he moved on out of his bedroom leaving the mother back which watched the weasel waking up the deeply sleeping trolls.

Gerda and Orm headed together in the afternoon to the airfield to meet Alfida.

„You haven‘t heard anything of Rollan yet?“ The troll asked making Gerda shake her head.

„The swift hasn‘t come back yet,“ Responded the girl. „So far I know, he has arrived,���

„He has, don‘t worry. Soon as he receives the letter he will send you one back,“

„Yeah. They will just take longer to arrive than it did between us,“

„Sad, that Spain is far away from here,“ Orm commented making Gerda smile. „About this with Rollan…..I know he means a lot to you...I just want you to know, that I sometimes don‘t think before I do some things and the thing that Rollan has done back in the past as you two obtained Snow Queen and the Fire Demon‘s power still remains present to me. Of course, I know he won‘t do that again because the tomb is now in ruins and I wouldn‘t know why you would go there on your free will….I‘m just worried, that he might hurt you again, maybe not this way, but any other one,“

„I understand you, Orm. Maybe you should hang out with him a few times or we three together. So with the time, you two will become friends or at least just get along. He‘s been doing everything possible to have people at least accept his pardon,“

„It does look that way,“ The troll commented.

Soon their carriage got into the airfield moving on to the airships on the edge of the field, where Alfida‘s ship was afterward the two got down of it and walked around the ship to look for the pirate girl.

„Alfida!“ Gerda called, moments later the girl showed up and glanced down at the two, and waved at them.

„Hey, you two. What brings you here?“

„Hi, Alfida. I need to ask you if you don‘t mind bringing Orm and me to the Troll kingdom to King Arrog. Orm agreed on mentioning to him about his cubs‘ whereabouts,“

„I didn‘t think you were going with him,“ Alfida mentioned earning a nod from Gerda and Orm.

„I didn‘t want to be alone when I was going to pass by that message,“ Confessed the troll, making Alfida shake her head amused.

„Okay, give me a minute and I‘ll be ready,“ Alfida commented walking back on deck, while Orm waited along with Gerda down on the ground until they could enter into the ship on a rope-made ladder.

Rollan, Pastor, and various other candidates had reunited together inside the field of the guard academy. They stood in various different-sized groups waiting for the start of the training.

„Welcome to our first day at the guard academy. As I see a big part of you have decided to come to give it a try. I‘m happy to know that each of you will be showing what you‘re worth the next few days during our sessions. As I announced yesterday the first two lessons we will practice with weapons. The firegun and the saber. For everyone who‘s able to use a gun or is skilled at it, I ask you to go to the west side of the field, where the shooting range is. People for the fencing skills remain here and take a 120° spin to see the person behind you…..not all of you, just every second row starting with the first one,“ The man explained watching a few men move out of the crowd, then Rollan‘s row turned around and he had in front of him a brunette man with a short beard.

„You‘re a girl?“ Pastor commented earning Rollan‘s attention as he looked at a short-haired brunette across the friend.

„Got a problem with girls being in a position more meant for men?“ Questioned the girl making Pastor shake his head.

„No, I‘m just surprised to see one attending here. You know…..you‘re thin…..uh not good built and all,“ Pastor explained trying to not offend her.

„She may be stronger than you think. I know what I‘m talking about,“ Rollan pointed out making the boy nod and look at the girl, which smiled a little at Rollan‘s comment.

The teacher blew into his horn, then watched all duos begin to fence each other including Pastor and Rollan their opponent, and Pastor quickly got thrown on the ground by the girl making Rollan‘s opponent drop his mouth followed by Rollan passing with his sword beside the man missing him and falling down on his knees unexpected by the man‘s distraction.

„What happened, man?“ Rollan asked getting up to look at his friend getting, up then he ran toward the girl and attacked her with his sword, watching her deflect his attacks with ease making Rollan chuckle, then the opponent of Rollan tapped on his shoulder to call him for their fight. Rollan fenced the opponent, simultaneously being at the same level. A few duos were doing well at the moment, under others, a few didn‘t do well at the first time others, were better than their counterparts but they‘re able to improve themselves with the practice.

„Woah!“ Pastor cried after tripping over his own feet as he had been backing off away from the girl, which was dominating the match between the two.

„You‘re not quite handy with that sword,“ The girl commented watching Pastor wipe down the dirt of his pants.

„You know I haven‘t done this for a long time and I‘m sort of out of routine,“ Pastor made up making the woman roll her eyes noticing the boy wasn‘t being honest.

„If that‘s the case, why don‘t we switch opponents so you can gain your….routine?“ Suggested the girl watching Pastor look at Rollan, which just managed to smack down the sword of the opponent. „What about we switch with them?“ The girl suggested making Pastor nod and approach the two boys.

„Hey, the girl questioned me to ask, if we could change,“ Pastor explained earning a nod from Rollan, which stepped away from the other boy to encounter the girl.

„You seem pretty talented with the sword,“ Rollan commented earning a smile from the girl.

„I‘ve been practicing since I was ten. By the way, my name is Marina,“ The girl introduced herself. „What‘s yours?“

„I‘m Rollan. The one you defeated before is Pastor,“

„I see, are you from here? I‘ve never seen you before,“

„I‘m from Alicante, but I have been gone for over a year. I was on an adventure looking for a stone from a legend,“ Rollan explained. „A bad and good experience at the same time,“

„You didn‘t find the stone, right?“

„I did, I did, but the stone nearly had us killed. I had almost lost one of the most important persons I had met there during my trip,“

„That sounds terrible,“ Marina admitted, then the instructor passed by the group and placed his hand on Rollan and Marina‘s shoulder.

„Please continue your practice. In the next break, you can talk about whatever you want,“ The teacher stated earning a nod from the two which took a few steps back and prepared themselves to lunge against each other with their swords.