#which I've removed because it's extremely unlikely

[wonder-worker]

"The white rose was [strongly] associated with the Virgin. It should therefore be acknowledged that one of the motivations behind the emblem being adopted by the house of York, and promulgated by Edward IV alongside the sun device, was its religious resonance. The Virgin was a favoured saint of many royals, not least due to her association with fertility, birth and nurturing lineage, and Marian references can be found in political images and narratives of the fifteenth century. Alongside St Anne, the Virgin was a focus of Yorkist religious devotion. Both Edward IV and his mother Cecily, duchess of York (d. 1495), committed their souls to the Virgin in their respective wills, and images of the saint were depicted in the north clerestory windows in the Yorkist mausoleum at Fotheringhay [...] Edward further demonstrated his favouritism by making the Virgin the joint patron saint of the Order of the Garter in 1469."

Matthew Ward, The Livery Collar in Late Medieval England and Wales: Politics, Identity and Affinity

[synthaphone]

Allowing myself to go on a tangent about the nearly 26 year old virtual pet website that i am way too invested in.

So today they released the Candy Pteri. While I appreciate what they were trying to do here with it effectively having two designs that you get to choose between (The "Melted Candy Pteri" on the left is a Paint Brush wearable that can be removed to reveal the customizable base pet on the right), I think in this case, they have created two extremely boring designs when they could have easily created one strong design, or hell, even two strong designs if they wanted to do extra work.

Because with this release, we get a base Candy Pteri with no real lineart changes (like the rounded hair tufts and spines on the Candy Zafara), and an alternate design that's just... a drawing of a Marshmallow Peep™???

I would have WAY preferred a base Pteri where they did something like give it a little marshmallow dollop shape on its head and in place of the tail tuft, like my friend @darieyrie suggested. Or they could give it the Peep dot eyes and more rounded features! There's all kinds of ways you could do this concept.

I'd be less frustrated if the Peep wearable had any Pteri traits whatsoever, but its JUST a Peep that's been slightly microwaved. Which is a little funny, but even more than the Toy Poogle is just an iDog, the Candy Pteri does not have any deviation from its base inspiration at all. It's not actually an execution of the concept of "Candy Pteri thats based on a Peep" if there's no Pteri left at all!

(also are they just banking on the Just Born corporation (who make Peeps) never taking any action on this? it kind of goes beyond 'cheeky reference', its EXACTLY their product. I mean, it seems unlikely that they'll notice or bother doing anything if they do, but i don't really know why you'd risk that.) The saving graces of this design, imo, are that the pink and cream color scheme of the base pet IS pleasant (though the lineart and shading treatment aren't really my bag), and some people will enjoy the novelty of having a pet Marshmallow Peep™.

But really this is just the latest of a number of recent outfit and color releases that feel like they don't think people want Neopets. Like. This cardinal outfit that they also released today.

I love the idea of a cardinal Pteri! But this outfit literally takes away every distinguishing trait of the Pteri to make a high effort, nicely rendered, but stylistically incongruous generic cartoon cardinal????? Its not even a Neopet anymore!!! Even if I set aside my personal dislike of the overly rendered style they're using for more and more of the site assets, this wouldn't work with most of the rendering removed either, because it would still be a Pteri in pose and proportions only.

Not every new design and outfit that's come out in the past couple years has these issues and there have been a number I've really liked, and I DO think its great that the quality of the art has improved since the JumpStart era. But I would really appreciate it if the new pet colors in particular were designed a little more thoughtfully, so that they at bare minimum still resemble the species they're supposed to be outside of the rough pose and proportions. It sometimes feels like there isn't a rough draft or workshopping progress for new colors, and the members of the art team just kind of do their own thing and then the very first draft of an idea is what gets polished and released.

The current art direction for the customization aspects of the site just has me feeling like they've decided to throw out years of relatively cohesive art and world design for a strange jumble of ideas that don't really capture the appeal or feeling of Neopets to me.

[crossdressingdeath]

I am once again begging people to realize that Ivenci does not in fact want to "make Antiva better", that's not why they want the Crows gone. This is someone who straight up let Treviso get occupied by the Antaam who fuck up every city they occupy (and tbh it is actually insane to me that a mage let the Antaam occupy their city after the atrocities in Ventus, which must have happened before the Antaam took Treviso because occupied Ventus is referenced in Eight Little Talons which happens before Antiva is invaded; it says a lot that Ivenci thought that was a good idea). They tried to gas the city with qamek (again, insane thing for a mage specifically to be doing after Ventus, these experienced writers did that on purpose) to remove the Crows and their supporters yes but also anyone who spoke out against the occupation too loudly. Guys, please, Ivenci wants power. We are repeatedly told and shown that they want power. They'd rather destroy the minds of half the city and give those remaining to the Antaam than not have power. Their immediate response to being told they'll be put on trial—with the knowledge of the king and merchant princes, so even if we assume the Crows don't have the legal right to do that they fully intend to cover their bases on that front—for all that treason it is at this point well documented they've been committing is "You can't do that to me, I'm the governor of this city". Them saying the Crows are bad does not mean they're right because they could not more clearly think the Crows are bad because they're getting in their way specifically.

They're not even right about why the Crows are bad; first and easiest the stuff about the Crows murdering people in the street is just straight up nonsense, there is literally nothing in any other game or this one suggesting they do that, they kill people they are hired to kill (and because they're so expensive those targets are extremely unlikely to include random people on the street) and claiming they're as bad as the Antaam (who we do see dragging people away during the first visit to Treviso) is ridiculous. And second... I've said this many times, but defending Antiva is literally the Crows' job. If the people of Treviso or Rook (or Ivenci, although they wouldn't for obvious reasons) went to the king and asked for help to free Treviso, the king would send them straight back to the Crows because defending Antiva is their duty and they do it proudly and as well as they can. Keeping Ivenci in the loop is the limit of what they're really required to do, and frankly given Ivenci is a) incredibly rude, b) wildly suspicious and c) entirely useless it's really more than they deserve, someone please replace this person with a competent governor who actually wants to help their people. Also no I won't ever be over them standing around doing nothing except insisting Crows Bad right outside the field hospital the Crows set up and are fighting to defend from the Antaam in blighted Treviso. This is where everyone involved in this situation who claims to care for Treviso should be putting their money where their mouths are and it is telling and pointed that the Crows do at great personal cost—the Crow casualties dying of blight and getting warped into monsters that the other Crows with Rook's aid have to put down so they aren't suffering and can't hurt anyone was deliberate, can people stop acting like the Crows are totally fine and untouched in blighted Treviso—and Ivenci and the Butcher don't, that was a deliberate storytelling choice and I would like people to stop ignoring it.

Ivenci is not insisting the Crows should stay out of it because it's not their job and they're overstepping; they're saying it because it is the Crows' job and they are interfering with Ivenci's plans, which is in fact evidence of the Crows working as intended in their role as Antiva's defenders (which does make the argument that Ivenci's right about the Crows being bad for Antiva somewhat ironic, given they're walking proof of the Crows being pretty good at their role even while being actively sabotaged and before anyone suggests Rook's doing all the work I'm saying right now that that's not the case, the Crows are clearly doing a lot when Rook's not around, and if you claim it is because we don't see them doing it you'd better be claiming that literally every faction is completely worthless because that argument does not apply to just the Crows). I am begging people to use their critical thinking skills, people saying things you agree with in broad terms and people being right are two entirely different things.

[callmegaith]

I want to know more about your rebels. From the art I've seen, they look very interesting. Tell me more!

ANON 😭😭 THATS SO SWEET OF YOU THANK U SM!!

Well, there are 4 characters that make up a squad. You have:

Pete:

The muscle of the group. He's a hot-head with a shotgun. Pete is the character I use to explore the world of HL the most, since he's the one character I can truly call an oc. He used to be a bit of a scardy cat growing up but when the war happened, being isolated and removed from his family and being forced to work for the combine, his fear turned to anger, and he's got A LOT of it. A bit too much, in fact. The moment they put a gun in his hands and he's had a little bit of that power trip taste, it was over. He no longer had a reason to feel helpless and be scared of the combine, now with his trusty shotgun, he could get up close and personal and make them go bye bye, which he probably likes an unhealthy amount. In his head, though, he thinks it's fine. He's fighting for the good guys, after all. He's doing the right thing. So his violence is justified. And that's sorta the central plot of his character "when do you become the same monster as the ones that hurt you?" Hurt people hurt people, and Pete has been hurt a lot. Though, he believes he's different because unlike the Combine, he loves and cares. The combine wouldn't know what that means, so in a way, his love for Nate and humanity in general, is what he believes keeps him from becoming as bad as the Combine.

Nate:

Nate is the youngest in the squad and the most naive. All he wants to do, really, is survive this whole thing. He just wants to see the sunrise on a brand new day where the Combine no longer exist on earth. He's pretty optimistic about it too which Pete and Marcel often disagree with but ya know, let the man dream. He's the chill laid back joker of the group and the life of the party. The most social out of them but not necessarily the best talker... And he talks... A lot. Like, nonstop. Marcel thinks it's because he's constantly trying to fill his mind with other stuff other than their shitty situation cuz the moment he shuts up he's gonna have to think about it and he's going to collapse. So they just let him ramble. He's a big fan of collecting things (both he and Pete are but he started their collection) some might even view him as a hoarder. Like you'd find him collecting pizza boxes and other useless things simply because... Well, those things don't exist now. They're "relics" of a life pre-war. And he finds that interesting, it brings him comfort even. He's the group's mechanic and the best at handling firearm since he's had the most training, having joined the Rebels before the others.

Marcel and Kit:

2 for one, those two cannot be separated (for Marcel's own good)

Marcel is the medic of the group. He's the oldest in the squad and the most pessimistic. Kit met Marcel when he found him dying on the ground (that's a comic you may or may not have read. I'll link the comics at the end of the ask) after saving his life, the two became inseparable. Marcel is in a very dark place mentally and thus has become extremely fragile. If you ask him, he'd tell you he's not suicidal, he just wouldn't mind not waking up the next day. Kit keeps Marcel safe, both from the Combine, zombies, and whatever threats, but also from himself. Kit wants to give Marcel purpose and a reason to keep living, something to make the days easier to get through, and becoming a medic was that for Marcel. He gets to save lives and it gives him a sense of meaning. It doesn't make him value his own life or anything, but he's at least living to do something good.

Marcel might come off as hostile and aggressive or just very uncaring but, in fact, he cares a lot. You just have to get past his nonchalantness and dig pretty deep to find that part of him. Kit understands he's probably just building walls to protect himself. He doesn't want anyone getting close so no one would miss him when he's gone. But obviously that doesn't work cuz, lmao, Kit ignores that. Tbh Kit doesn't need to bind life force with Marcel to die if Marcel dies. If Marcel dies Kit will likely just die of a broken heart.

That aside, Marcel finds Kit's views on life very intriguing, he's very interested in the Vort philosophical approach to life and death, and the way they form bonds, more spiritually than anything else. And he does end up having that bond with Kit, something so connected to what feels like a greater and higher thing than they are. So cosmic in its nature that it is hard to comprehend. To him, there's something so beautiful and profound about that. It's the idea that one day they will be embraced by that greater thing, so they may become a part of it, but it will happen when their time comes and they're called upon by the cosmos. He's just waiting for that day to come now.

If you'd like to see more of the characters you'll find everything under the tag (HL: change begins with us) or specific characters under: ( oc: Pete, Nate as male 07, Marcel as male 09, kit the Vortigaunt)

If you haven't seen the comics and wanna give em a read:

This is one lore dump and a half but hope you find it interesting, anon. :D again, thank u sm for your interest and curiosity. It means a lot to me!!

[copperbezel]

Zephyr Slip

At the end of last year, before I'd begun working on Bit Cobalt, I ran into some paleoart of Austroraptor, a dromaeosaur (raptor) from Argentina. Austroraptor is one of the largest dromaeosaurs, with a long, narrow, Big Bird snoot, conical teeth that probably point to fishing, and small forelimbs, as well as leg proportions that hint at a runner. Much of the paleoart I saw depicted Austroraptor in waterbird colors, which gave it a soft and friendly appearance, immediately my new favorite dinosaur.

So I drew an Austroraptor and then a robotic one, adding a quail topknot or ahoge feather, and started to think about making a transforming figure that would change from this animal into a humanoid robot. But a transformation from cute robot girl to cute robot girl, except one of them is a dinosaur, seemed a bit redundant, and there would be compromises in both directions that would detract rather than add.

But a couple of months later, I saw a particular motor scooter and something clicked, and the game was on. I love motor scooters, and they're a fantastic accessory for other figures on the shelf. I went through two foamcore prototypes to nail down the transformation, making it as simple and sturdy as I could manage and making sure both modes would scale well with other 1/12 scale figures.

I also started collecting some reference images for details I could nab and integrate, and to nail down the scaling of the scooter.

After I had something that worked, I drew up some concept art for both modes and started modeling. I was able to streamline the design a couple of steps further in the 3D model, and then it was all carving up shapes, fine tuning, etc. Probably the longest phase of modeling was after I had my model roughed out into shape, but needed to build the joints, firm up the edges, define all the contact surfaces, and apply subdivision surfaces. I found it useful to rig the model and set a couple of animation steps in Blender for the two modes so I could simply page back and forth between them.

I had to set the design on the back burner while I worked out the kinks with my 3D printer and built my last couple of projects. Then I made a test print to identify any trouble spots, and after a couple of tweaks to get the feel right, it was time to print and finish the real thing. Zephyr Slip is the first thing I've printed in "color", and thanks to some dyes I need to experiment with more, she won't be the last. That means a much more durable finish for parts that have to slide against one another or clip into place. I did add a gloss coat to some surfaces of the black elements, but it shouldn't show chipping much. (Unlike the kickstand, thanks to my terrible decision to paint its feet.)

Like my previous figures, Zephyr's eyes (and console) are just printed gloss paper under a coat of gloss varnish, and her headlights and taillights have some clear resin poured in over the paint and cured into place for lenses.  Cutting plastic windows like the ones on my Vertigo GT for the lower headlights didn't have the same effect, so they got the same clear resin treatment. The decal designs themselves were made in Blender, because I've given up on Inkscape's interface, but I think they came out okay.

The joints are almost exclusively 3mm ABS rods, although her hip joints are Kotobukiya Hexa Gear joints, which gave me a sturdy pin and hinge in a compact package and without visible pegs. I'm looking into options to make the pegs show less while being easy to remove for the construction and painting process. Despite some care with the tolerances, I did have to widen some peg holes and mush some pegs during assembly to get her pose well and snap together tight into either mode. But everything does clip solidly into place, resulting in a really playable figure. 

As my first fully transforming figure and also my largest, Zephyr Slip is definitely the biggest figure project I've tackled so far, and I'm extremely happy with the results. Posability is probably her weakest area, but she can pounce and emote, and with her solid handfeel and satisfyingly snappy transformation, I'm happy with the design. 

Paleontologically, I've followed most of the proportions of the real animal, although her torso should be a little bit longer, and her tail half again as long. She should also have visible first fingers, and I'm playing into the paleoart meme of bare snouts on dromaeosaurs that shouldn't have them. The proportion of thigh to shin is exaggerated, and the tail should have some left-right sway even if it's inflexible in the vertical axis. But it pleases me that she is both a roughly accurately scaled Austroraptor, and also a fairly realistically scaled scooter (if a bit chunky).

As always, due credit to @aprilpowered and Workbenchmaniac for support and feedback along the way, as well as Nemocyte (Tumblr | Twitter), whose feedback helped me to work out (among other things) the articulation needs of a theropod figure, something I'd never had to think about before.

[therianimal]

Over the course of the past year or so I've begun to realize that I have two different experiences with nonhumanity. The first are kintypes/theriotypes that function in a way that aligns with common kin experiences. I have, while not in active psychosis, experienced "awakenings" wherein I discovered long-term, stable kintypes. I occasionally have both shifts and species dysphoria related to these kintypes, but they are infrequent and non obtrusive.

The second experience is psychotic nonhumanity. It can take a couple forms: cameo shifts and pseudo kintypes. Cameo shifts occur more often under the effects of psychoactive drugs (THC, and strangely enough caffeine), but generally occur amid psychotic symptoms. A common one is the visualization (envisage shift) of supernatural wings that don't look like or correlate with my hawk kintype. They may be massive, filling the entire room I'm in, and come hand in hand with feelings of elation and grandiosity.

The other form of psychotic nonhumanity (and the true topic of this post) is what, in the moment, feels like kintypes with extremely intense shifts. These 'types tend to seem "dark" in nature - for example, vampire is a common one for me. I experience the feeling of being a vampire, while feeling fangs in my mouth and having an overwhelming, obsessive urge to consume blood. I think clinical vampirism/Renfield's syndrome is another way to contextualize those feelings. They are incredibly persistent, demanding my constant attention for hours. If I weren't disabled regardless, these experiences might be disabling on their own.

These feelings aren't necessarily 100% delusional, or "physical" in nature - in psychosis I did not believe I was physically any of the species involved, in the way that many psychotic alterhumans describe. I merely experienced the "on a non physical level I am X" otherkin experience, but in a way that was overwhelming, intrusive, and partially associated with the dark themes of the delusions I did have. Rumination, fixation, and obsession are common elements of my experience with psychosis, and these "types" were experienced in that manner. None of my typical kintypes are associated with either obsession or distress (apart from mild dysphoria).

Unlike common endel experiences I see described, my psychosis "kintypes" disappear when I'm not in psychotic episodes. Like many people on the schizophrenia spectrum, while I always experience symptoms the severity is episodic. Therefore there are days and weeks in which I'm a vampire and up to a year in which I'm not.

Another way of viewing these different experiences is in the spiritual/psychological binary. I view my "normal" kintypes as a mental connection to past lives, which I would label as a spiritual cause. My psychotic 'types are, on the other hand, clearly psychological. I can't guarantee that I've never had a past life that aligns with these experiences (as I believe my soul has had MANY past lives) but these 'types don't feel like a connection to a deep, older part of myself. They feel like an incarnation, a personification of my psychosis itself. It's essentially the most clearly psychological aspect of my alterhumanity.

During the worst of these "intrusive identities", as I guess one could call them, I felt deeply confused about suddenly having new kintypes. I believe I even made a post here about feeling blindsided with new, dark 'types. I even listed these types in my About Me for a while, even though it always inexplicably felt "off" to me. When that particular episode ended I essentially went "Oh, THAT'S what that was!" and removed those from the list. I no longer felt connected to those species. It almost reminds me of fictionflickers, merely in the sense of being powerful yet temporary. It felt more real than reality at the time, as I've heard many schizospec people describe their psychosis.

I am unsure how, or whether, to incorporate these 'types into my identity. Do I dismiss them because they're temporary? Do I dismiss them to avoid "encouraging" psychosis in some way? Or do I accept them as Me during my psychosis, because people in psychosis also have the right to self define? Do I continue to list them in my identities when I'm out of psychosis? Or claim them only when they feel immediately applicable?

I haven't seen much discussion of temporary identities in alterhuman spaces, outside of very different experiences like fictionflickers and therian cameo shifts. If I'm wrong and there's some terminology or small community associated with temporary 'types, let me know. Do these experiences count as "endelity"? I'm tempted to use the term "endel" but I'm reluctant to misstep when my experiences aren't identical to the endels I follow. If you have an opinion on that you can let me know as well.

[beepboprobotsnot]

A little under a year ago, I stumbled across the anime "Frieren: Beyond Journey's End" and it very quickly became a contender for my favorite anime of all time. It is beautiful, and cozy, and packed with meaning in every episode, and I love it. So, since the depth of Frieren's story could use some more attention, I've decided to do a little something that I'm going to call "Frieren-bruary." Every day for the month of February, I'm going to talk about one episode of Frieren, of which there are exactly twenty-eight, so it works out quite well. So, without further ado:

Episode Two: It Didn't Have to be Magic...

Oh boy... this episode. It was extremely easy to find something to talk about from this episode, but much harder narrowing it down to just one. I mean, there's Himmel continuing to save lives from beyond the grave thanks to his inspiring of others, Fern being confronted with Frieren's patient-to-a-fault view of time, and the first fruits of Frieren's quest to understand humanity in her refusal to leave Heiter before his death. But, in the end, I had to go with the theme that ties both halves of the episode together, along with fitting the title.

Early in the first half of the episode, Heiter remarks on how much Fern has been throwing herself into her mage training, pushing back against Frieren's concern that she's overworking herself by saying that, "Even so, I'm glad she's found something she loves." Frieren glances back at him as he says this, as though she has something she wants to add, but she chooses not to. She's likely thinking back to how, when Frieren asked her if she loved magic, Fern's answer was "only somewhat," and how Frieren knows exactly what that means, because she feels the same. Sure enough, when Frieren tells her to slow down, and that she'll get it eventually, Fern reveals the real reason that she's been training so hard. She knows that Heiter doesn't have much time left, and she's beyond grateful to him for raising her, so "I need him to know that I'll be alright when he's gone!" It's nothing to do with magic, she just needs Heiter to not be worried about her being able to take care of herself. And hearing her answer, Frieren simply nods, and wishes her luck.

In the second half of the episode, after Heiter's death and once Fern has begun travelling with Frieren as her apprentice, Fern remarks on Frieren's habit of collecting strange spells, like spells to remove rust, or turn sweet grapes into sour ones, and saying that it's clear that, unlike her, Frieren must really love magic. But Frieren simply repeats her assertion that "We're the same."

Throughout the episode, Frieren repeats her assertion that Fern should be able to understand why Frieren seems to love magic so much. Even as Fern rebuts that "I could've learned any other skill that allowed me to support myself and been just as content. It didn't have to be magic," Frieren has a response that finally seems to get through to her: "But you chose magic." There are two ways to interpret this statement. First is that since Fern chose magic as her skill, there must have been something special about it that drew her to it in the first place. The immediate flashback, where a child Fern looks up in amazement at a spell of her own creation, certainly seems to support that idea.

The second interpretation is a bit more complex. It is that, since Fern has chosen magic as her calling, she might as well try to enjoy it. Throughout the episode, Fern has been talking about magic as a tool, a skill, something to help her make her way through life and nothing more. And there was a time when Frieren acted the same way. Not to get too deep into Frieren's backstory (because we'll get there) she once allowed herself to view magic solely as a tool, something to help her towards her great goal. But now, she's making the conscious choice to stop acting that way, and to start enjoying magic again. As amusing as her determination to uncover weird folk magic is, it's important to remember that it's not in Frieren nature to act this way, and that she didn't always do this. As she describes her search: "It's a hobby, and a good one. I used to go through life much more apathetically before finding it." She didn't always collect magic, but now that she does, her life is much fuller.

Fern acts as though Frieren's passion for magic is some sort of natural love, but Frieren is telling her here that it's a choice. And it's a choice that she wants Fern to make as well. Because even if there's nothing special about magic to make her choose it, she did choose magic, and so she's going to live a much more pleasant and fulfilled life if she chooses to love her craft.

Previous | Next

[dusty-daydreams]

What bothers me is some people appear to think of Eloise as a "Not Like Other Girls" type of "feminist", which is not how I read her at all. I don't see her as thinking any less of other ladies, she just has nothing in common with them. Which is probably very lonely! And yes, unlike other women out in society, she does have the privilege of a family that will support her in spite of her radical politics, and she has been growing (and needs to do more growing) in her understanding of that privilege. (She can daydream about being a spinster because she can afford to be one.) But I've really liked her arc this season, with her trying to make new female friends even as she struggles to find commonalities.

I totally agree Anon!

Eloise is absolutely not a ‘Not like Other Girls’ woman. Just because she thinks differently than other people around does not make her a ‘Not like Other Girls’ because she (for the most part) doesn’t disparage other women when Francesca says she wants to take a “get it over with” approach to the marriage mart she is supportive. When she finds out that Penelope enjoys society and high society events, she indirectly apologises for acting in away that meant that Penelope couldn’t talk to her about it.

Plus for the most part her frustration is directed at men who view women as inferior, and at sexist systems.

I had hoped that this season would have had her continue to build on her progress last season when she began to realise she is not the first person to have these ideas, and in fact there is a brewing grass roots movement going on. That storyline could have continued without her visiting the radicals, by showing her reading things or talking to Benedict about the rights of the working classes or trying to discuss aspects of her feminism with Cressida. Like seriously I think queen bitch Cressida would be all for certain feminist ideals at the time like changing laws surrounding property ownership, and inheritance.

However I wish the show would have her family be more emotionally supportive towards her, like she has a comparatively very good home life, but it feels like most of her siblings treat her and her politics as a bit of a joke.

Which leads me to my other point, I don’t think the show actually knows what to do with Eloise and her feminism and they too often treat it like a joke. The show has become so unrooted from historical realities that the misogyny in the setting is extremely vague and changes to suit the plot, which makes having a character that is coherently fighting against that misogyny impossible.

Like Eloise went from arguing that women should be allowed to be admitted to university in season 1 when things were (a little bit) more historically grounded, to very vaguely saying that Women would have so much more time on their hands if they didn’t have to think about marriage all the time.

The devolution in the show is clear, in season 1, the alternate history was the removing of (certain types of) racism from admits English nobility and gentry, but the misogyny of 1813 was alive and well, women needed to marry because that was where her value and security was, women didn’t have alternatives to marriage for economic security. Now in 1815 and with the fantasy of the show taking over - women need to marry because what - that’s what she is supposed to do, and that social pressure is bad - but it’s not a true systemic problem?

Basically the show has lost any historical grounding it could have claimed to had, and as such Eloise’s feminism is just as vague as the misogyny she is fighting against. Which means that the show inevitably plays Eloise being a character in a Romance show that disdains romance a joke and not an interesting facet of her character the way it was shaping up to be in season 2

That said I did enjoy an Eloise cut off from a Penelope that pretended to care and agree with her politics, trying to make new friends, and trying to honestly engage in their interests.

[tarakaybee]

I Was Right (Oxventure Wyrdwood Thoughts)

In the past on this extremely low follower blog of mine, I've talked about how I liked Oxventure for the first few sessions before it deteriorated into unstructured nonsense with no emotional stakes, no story, and no interesting gameplay and I stopped watching after they started to become repetitive, derivative, uninspired and a lot of other mean words. The reason that I fixated on its problems is because I genuinely thought everybody involved was extremely talented, I could vividly imagine a slightly better version that I would've loved, if only they had greater ambitions than just doing gags for six years like they were writing The Beano. I've been thinking on this a lot, but I remember that I quickly emotionally connected with the five player characters in the early campaign and some of the early NPCs, and my villain origin story for my many frustrations with Oxventure was that I felt embarrassed for emotionally investing myself when the campaign progressed and it became clear that there were never going to be any emotional consequences for anything.

I think everybody should play D&D the way that they find fun, even if, no especially if it's a campaign that is being filmed and broadcast, but it irked me that they never engaged with a lot of the fun parts of the game, which are fun and designed specifically to be fun. I'm trying to not sound like I'm gatekeeping, I sincerely believe that they simply never read the books in any amount of detail and never became aware of the interesting parts and would've enjoyed it if they did, because I just don't see how you can be a fan of a game system if you have to remove more than half of the rules to enjoy yourself. I've long held the suspicion that when they started playing they were instructed by Johnny to not worry about understanding all of the rules right away, and the players held the belief for years that the rules were extremely complicated, when they continued to not learn them. Mike in particular makes jokes about how he doesn't understand the rules, like in the lead-up to Orbpocalypse Saga where Johnny explained what spell slots were, Mike made a joke about how the explanation would take several hours because it was so complicated despite the fact that it's literally just a few rows of boxes that you tick off when you spend them, the Paper Mario games have a more complex magic resource system than that and Mike is supposed to be a games journalist.

After not watching the main campaign for several years, I decided to give Oxventure Deadlands a try, and I was surprised that Andy ran a campaign where he was willing to say no sometimes, and sticks to a consistent emotional tone without sacrificing the all-important comedy, and I said on this very blog that if Johnny were to run a campaign in this style where the players were willing to take things seriously that would be absolutely perfect, because Johnny has established their strong storytelling chops in basically every way possible other than during Oxventure Prime.

And I was right!

They were all capable of the kind of D&D campaign I wanted to see, and thought would be more deep and enriching than just going for the cheapest gags every time, they decided to take that leap and Johnny just casually, offhandedly created one of the all-time best campaign settings in episode one of a new campaign. Oxventure Wyrdwood, based on only one episode is absolutely brilliant and everything I've wanted out of Oxventure for the past six years, the first time Johnny actually wrote a story in earnest it was so creative, so inspired, so rich with lore, and unlike some seasons of Dimension 20, they did it in a way that was concise.

All the players are great too:

Luke Dob was a seminal moment for me in my experience of the D&D hobby, the simple combination of half-orc and bard was such a brilliant combination that it inspired a five year long campaign in which I played a character inspired by that same combination. Happen is a very fun concept, I always love it when a player mixes and matches classes and backgrounds, Acolyte is an interesting background for a Ranger that gives Happen a lot of fun depth, and I enjoy the Cadence Dice system so far.

Jane I knew that Jane was going to go for the logical opposite of Prudence, I definitely called that Jane would be a Life Domain Cleric months and months ago. What I liked about Willowfine from the offset is that Jane doesn't play her superficially, she isn't just a healer, she is actually, genuinely kind, her first healing action being to save one of the episode's antagonists was a brilliant tone setting moment for the character and the campaign as a whole.

Ellen Like Jane, Ellen made a brilliant choice of playing against type for herself, but I really like that Ellen's way of playing an extremely selfish character is distinct from the way Jane did and has some obvious nuance to it. Prudence was obsessed with violence and evil magic and generally likes amusing herself, whereas Cressida seems to be more interested in her image and personal pride. Related, I don't think I would've called Prudence actually evil, she didn't do that many obviously selfish things when compared to say, Corazon, she was basically just a dramatic goth who likes the aesthetic of evil. In contrast, Cressida has a selfish motivation that is easier to accurately roleplay without becoming a liability to the party.

Andy It was very obvious that there was some secret gimmick to the way Andy was going to go about things and the way things turned out intrigues me greatly. He was the player that surprised me the most, I love the idea that Robin genuinely has a commoner's stat block until the evil side takes over. Aberrant Mind is a fun subclass, and it looks as though he gained Cure Wounds from his Magic Initiate subclass to fit into the witch aesthetic a little more.

Mike With Mike, this is where my one nitpick lies, I don't think Mike is the best roleplayer of the bunch. The fact that Mike doesn't understand extremely basic parts of the rules at this point has long stopped being funny and genuinely just reflects poorly on him. Why does he still not know how proficiency and attack modifiers work? It's literally a sum consisting of adding two single-digit numbers together, and it's a sum that you're supposed to write on your character sheet before playing to eliminate the brainwork of doing it mid-session. And if doing two minutes of homework to prepare your character sheet before playing a two-hour game of D&D is too much, why doesn't he just use D&D Beyond which adds the two numbers together for you? That's exactly how I learned it, and also the fact that I just read the rules recreationally because I thought that they were fun.

I was surprised that he read what Rage actually does, but then Mike gets confused when Johnny doesn't do the maths to half incoming damage for him, despite the fact that it's not Johnny's job to use Mike's character abilities for him. To put this as nicely as possible, I knew Mike was going to choose Barbarian because if you don't like the game system as Mike seems not to, you at least don't have to interact with it much if you choose the class with the fewest abilities possible. Mike seemed to shine the best in Blades in the Dark, which seems to be designed to have as few rolls as reasonably possible.

Roleplay-wise, I think Mike portrayed Lug as different enough from Egbert that I was happy with the character in concept, but like with his other characters, there is no second layer below the obvious quirks that are on the surface like everybody else demonstrated.

Johnny Johnny was always my biggest problem with Oxventure Prime, I found their DM philosophy and storytelling choices completely mystifying. Why when Luke established that Dob was looking for his sister did this plot get resolved offscreen by an NPC? Why when Andy said he was searching for a pirate treasure did Johnny forget about this plot for two real years and have Corazon find the bulk of it offscreen between episodes? Why did Johnny not write a plot or do any worldbuilding the entire first campaign when not having anything set in stone created massive problems in the final story arc when their farewell tour gets cut short because the players can't remember more than one notable location and only two NPCs? Why did Johnny constantly ask the players to roll for things that were not optional, and then when the player rolls low, just ignoring the result and saying they passed?

In this campaign, with a mere few months of doing actual legwork, in Oxventure Wyrdwood, Johnny crafted a beautiful, immersive and unique story setting. In the first boss fight at the end of the first session, the monster was consistently doing enough damage that it could have killed everybody other than Lug in one hit if they didn't fight smart, and fight smart they did, it made perfect sense for the monster to quickly go down when the other members of the Folkmoot arrived. There were a couple of rules-aberrations, but my problem isn't getting rules wrong, it's not using game mechanics and everybody was definitely engaging more with the gameplay and not treating it like an unwanted obligation this time I feel.

In addition, I love the "Magic Will Have Its Due" mechanic, it's not just cool sounding words that Johnny plastered over the marketing, it's an intrinsic part of the story, and therefore an intrinsic part of the gameplay. This is probably one of the only ways you could outright play anything resembling a horror campaign in D&D, where there isn't so much a consistent looming threat and the stakes take a different form. The main horror module in 5E, Curse of Strahd, is a very well designed story and game experiences, but the horror aspect pretty much doesn't exist in the gameplay after the players level up a few times.

I was cautiously optimistic before this first session, but now I'm actively excited in a way that I haven't been since Critical Role campaign two. I desperately hope this quality remains consistent throughout the remainder of this story. Also, I'm glad the episodes have proper titles and not things like "Water Wonderful World" or whatever.

[kipperlillyforpresident]

Finally found someone else who doesn't care for Lucy (or at least not her characterization/blandness) thank god

Honestly didn't know where to put this before but I'll put it here because of that but idea where (completly unlike canon, opposite even) where Lucy was on-board with rage/rage takeover and just as off-the-rocker as kipperlilly and chose to die because it would light more rage in the rest of them. I don't know. I'll take anything other than her current innocent lamb does-nothing-wrong portrayl

But thank you thank you for being the one person I've seen so far who gets that and doesn't care for it

anon speak and live your truth!! it can be hard when youre in a fandom and the Dominant Understanding of something is so far removed from your own thoughts.

as for myself, like... i like what a lot of fanworks have done with lucy! i like the version of lucy that i have in my head!

but in canon? she's so nothing. ive said it before and i'll say it again (i got a shoutout on twitter for saying this, actually, which was very nice and fun to see): lucy is sooo dead wife montage coded.

honestly like. she had a really strong potential. the idea of her being nice but not happy? that's such a succinct characterization! (one that most of the fandom seems to.,... forget about...?) like. she has potential.

but the players made her into this flawless concept, without ever really... thinking about her as a person? idk. it was very icky. i will never stop being mad about "for lucy". and then in the finale she just is soft. where is that not happy but nice energy? she should be so deeply weird and warped. she should be upset that her best friends were taken over by her goddesses sister and killed her, and that some of them were revived and some of them werent, and that everybody seems to be totally fortgiving ankarna!! she should be cold and frosty...!

alas.

your concept is really fun - it definitely contradicts, canon, but here on ratgrumblr/grundlr/grimblr/etc etc, we love violating canon. we do it well and extremely often. and the idea of her choosing herself as a sacrifical lamb is soo fun.

it also ties into my seven birds au but thats for another post-

[makememadscientist]

I just read A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes and watched the SuperCarlinBrothers videos about the Hunger Games series they put out the last few weeks. There were some interesting points made but I actually disagree completely with the theory that proposed Coin orchestrated Katniss being a tribute for the 74th Hunger Games. I think it's pretty clear that there are already rebels in place in positions around District 12 and within the industry of the Games in the Capitol but I don't think they were pulling the strings yet. They may have been instructed to aid any tributes that looked promising but I don't think it would have been anything more than that until after Katniss and Peeta won.

The videos also suggested that, as with Lucy Gray in the 10th Hunger Games and possibly (probably) the twist of the Third Quarter Quell, the reaping isn't beyond tampering with. People love that Katniss isn't a "chosen one" in the books and I completely agree. I think that her being a tribute was completely unplanned for and a result of her love for her sister.

But I don't think this discredits the idea of the reaping of tributes not being completely random. In fact, I think it's possible that there is unspoken pressure to make sure that tributes from District 12 wouldn't necessarily be good candidates because of President Snow's history with Lucy. Yes, District 12 is the smallest and poorest district. And yes, if the Career Districts actually have some people training for the Games it makes sense that they win the most often. But I also think it's telling that District 12 NEVER wins. In 63 years District 12 has won once! I don't think that is unintentional.

Here is where we kind of go into headcannon territory. Now it has been a few years since I've read the Hunger Games trilogy so take this with a grain of salt, but it seems to me that it is possible that a 12 year old girl who is known to be extremely kind and compassionate doesn't seem like an ideal tribute. I think Prim's name being called was random but I also think that it's possible that her pick wasn't as unlikely as it would appear to be.

It is entirely possible that, even though Snow is not the type of person who would ever advertise weaknesses if it could be helped and a great deal of his relationship with Lucy was obfuscated, there is still some lingering whispers about him having a particular problem with District 12 victors even if the specifics are not known. If that is the case, people trying to garner favor may influence the reaping so that tributes that are chosen for District 12 are less likely to win.

From the description I remember of Haymitch and his Games I don't think he sounds like someone who would have been expected to win. I also don't think that Peeta, although strong, would have had the drive to compete well enough to win if Katniss was not there as an incentive. Gale and Katniss both have their names entered more times than most but are also known to be capable hunters. Even the Peacekeepers (if I'm remembering correctly) know that the two are capable. It is entirely statistically possible for candidates like them to never get called at Reaping but I also think it's possible that candidates like them are specifically not chosen for District 12. At best, there may be incentive to just not say the names of people if they seem too capable or at worst their names are removed entirely from the running. If names like Katniss' are removed, suddenly a 12 year old girl with slim odds of being chosen suddenly has higher odds to battle. In which case, in a funny way, Katniss is the very opposite of a "chosen one" as the LEAST likely to be chosen.

[bobbydagen24]

another Harsh truth the fandom is Hypocritical when it comes to Creeks Return in TBGO since all the things they complained about also applies to Bro zone in TBT.

for starters everything the fans complained about with Creeks return in TBGO is very much an issue in TBT such as

lack of remorse. yep the bros spend the whole film showing no guilt they only show a nano second of remorse after their victim finally stands up to them and leaves and that's it for the film and they never actually acknowledge any wrongdoing at all.

lack of consequences. big yep despite repeating their crappy behaviours and arguably behaving even worse they get taken back in the end unconditionally after Treating Branch terribly for no Real Justifiable Reason.

lack of doing anything to earn another chance. also big yep the Bros get captured and are literally forced to let Branch lead to save their own lives as well as Floyd's and afterwards their second chance is seen as earned for some reason? Despite this being a self serving action.

at the very least Creek was made to apologise Bro zone couldn't even be bothered to do that the simple truth is fans just like characters for surface level qualities

such as their outwardly goofy personalities so your more keen to make excuses for them actually being very bad toxic people really but Creek is more outwardly unlikable

so your all not as keen to see him as a flawed human and are eager to write him off even tho everything that you claim to find wrong about Creek's return also applies to Bro zone when you think about.

look I will admit that while I've always Defended the writing choice to bring Creek back in TBGO and have him Re-join the village I will admit it was written very badly.

it was way too Rushed and kinda ruined what could have been an interesting story arc for Branch and Poppy and Creek himself if they'd actually made him a touch more sympathetic

and Regretful over his actions while having the others be forced to acknowledge that he was placed in a pretty Horrifying situation and reacted in a bad but Human way.

​

Rather than sticking with a Highschool Jerk persona which just made the fandom Blindly Hate him even more

but the only posotive thing I will say about Creeks return is that unlike Bro zone Creek never wasted his second chance in the tv show sure he never seemed all that remorseful

​

but he also never betrayed the characters Trust again Creek was given a second chance and he didn't take it for Granted

unlike Branch's Brothers who slipped back into old Habits very quickly and behaved even worse than when they were younger by being verbally cruel to him unprovoked.

and yet were still given a third chance at the very end despite showing next to no remorse and no acknowledgment of their behaviour and actions towards Branch and each other.

so there isn't really anything that makes Bro zone more redeemable than Creek the only difference is the movie gives them two second chances with no strings attached

while the first movie Removes any such choice for Creek after his first betrayal even tho it was under extreme duress and literal torture.

this is something that Really doesn't make sense to me and Hence why I say this fandom cares more about surface level likability for its characters Rather than them being actual Good people

( Barb is the most extreme example tbh )

the majority of the fandom seems to view Repeated crappy behaviour for no Real Reason other than Bruce and JD didn't Grow up in over 2 Decades.

and Jump to the extremes of lifelong abandonment and emotionally abusive Behaviour when their slightly annoyed as acceptable and Human.

and worth forgiving even with no Real acknowledgment of wrongdoing or efforts to make amends.

while someone giving in to fear after being nearly eaten alive and tortured on your own by creatures 20 times your size is seen as irredeemable by the larger fandom.

and him being accepted back after this is seen as the worst thing ever because he showed next to no Remorse but did acknowledge wrongdoing and apologised to the people he wronged unlike Bro zone.

and Poppy herself literally tells Branch and by extension the audience that yes Creek has flaws

( that being giving in to fear under extremely stressful circumstances) but they are forgivable Human flaws and can be Helped.

it wasn't written Great and it was Hella Rushed but this is actually a mature message so its Hilarious how the majority of the fandom flipped their shit and whined like Babies at this episode 😂😂😂😂

yet when this message was taken and applied to bad people who this message doesn't actually apply to given their motives and Repeated crappy behaviours

suddenly the fandom thinks this kinda message is mature and posotive even tho its literally just encouraging kids to stay in abusive relationships.

I Guess that was Creek's fatal flaw Rather than being a Hostage who turned traitor in a moment of panic to save his own life

he should have abandoned his family twice and verbally abused them because he's slightly annoyed when he's expected to put effort in to the relationship then the fandom would love him 😕😕

it Really is no Different to the extreme Blind fans who love characters like Walter White and Dexter Morgan and Joe Goldberg and Tony Soprano

not because you like a complex bad guy character but because you think they're actually Great people and think them being likable and charismatic means everything they do is excusable.

but write off other characters who do similar actions but don't happen to have those surface level likable persona's.

in short your in love with characters who you invented in your heads not the ones the film actually showcased sooo yeah I'll end this by saying to you the same thing I said to Fifty Shades of Grey fans in the past

you wanna enjoy a fictional work by all means do that but trying to claim its a Healthy way to look at Relationships and forgiveness in real life is when you've crossed a line and need to be stopped.

because you may end up actually doing Harm to yourselves or to other people.

anyway cheers for Reading have a nice Day

[okkotsugf]

Chapter 6 as a tumblr post with embedded images because ao3's image system is broken no matter what i do lol . all text is the same

Note: this is not a real chapter, and was meant to be an author’s note at the end of the last (final) chapter but went a little too long, so I added some further lore context to some choices made in this fic. I would not usually do this at all, but in the spirit of Laios, I believe infodumping about my interpretation of monster lore to people who don't care is possibly the most canon-typical thing I can do. 

The real truth is somewhere between the several options laid out by Kabru and Laios himself. 

Number one: Laios IS still a monster, because I subscribe to the “he just shape-shifted back human and doesn't have enough mana to be animalistic” school of thought. The book specifically mentions that the monster can shape-shift. His monster doodle page also debates angular snake heads vs round ones but his final form has a rounded/goofy snake head (see below), which are usually not venomous. 

The past few decades have seen a growing interest in understanding of the origins and structure of morphological diversity. As form, function and ecology are often interrelated, shape diversity can be expected to have functional consequences and/or to reflect the ecology of organisms (e.g., habitat, diet). However, this relationship is not always straightforward as demonstrated by the phenomenon of many‐to‐one mapping of form to function, with different morphologies giving rise to similar levels of performance.”* Source: Segall, M., Cornette, R., Godoy-Diana, R., & Herrel, A. (2020). Exploring the functional meaning of head shape disparity in aquatic snakes. Ecology and evolution, 10(14), 6993–7005. https://doi.org/10.1002/ece3.6380 *Certain citations have been removed from the original text because this is a fanfiction on ao3.

I really struggled with deciding if Laios’ deal is venom or poison. Since Kabru ingests it orally/tastes it, it’s poison, BUT it is also injected in the initial bites. I chose to categorise it as venom as it only occurs specifically when Laios bites down/’injects’. Though debatable (see the discussion on blood at the end), the venom in this case is an adaptive trait taken on when Laios turned human post three-heads. Overall, it is mostly comprised of hemotoxins (blood ouchie) with neurotoxin (nervous system ouchie) capabilities. In other words, for any vampire-esque monster, it makes perfect sense to keep prey alive yet unwilling/unable to run: eg, paralytic poison. For Laios specifically, the poison works as a semi aphrodisiac, in that it amplifies desire specifically. Kabru already kind of wants to eat Laios, and him really wanting to taste Laios creates a representative desire that Laios can eat. K tasting/drinking it makes it have a different effect than when it's injected into the wound (increased desire vs. an agent that breaks down platelets). Again, all monster traits have a function: in this way hunger-prey gets more bloody, sexy-prey gets more sexy.

Backtracking to other physical aspects. Chilchuck is half-right here. Laios’ horns and tail have been fully discarded. Unlike Falin’s more predominantly present sharp teeth (see below), Laios’ similarly positioned fangs only appear and lengthen in preparation to eat or in moments of severe emotional or physical distress. While latent, his regular canines are simply doubled, but Chilchuck doesn’t know enough about tallman anatomy to decode that. In essence, Laios kind of ended up with his wisdom teeth in place, despite not being born with them. He doesn’t have extra teeth, per se.

Laios’ eyes follow the dragon!Falin format of the extreme slits, but they do kind of even out to a regular round pupil when he’s stable + it’s bright daylight, which is why it’s not immediately apparent to non-Kabrus. 

I've definitely exaggerated the Laios/Kabru size difference in this. In part because I find wide men personally attractive but also bc Laios has gained a fair bit of mass post dungeon (also canonical).

Lorewise speaking, Laios’ big strong monster aura is powerful enough to keep every other monster at bay (see below), which is why Kabru is sometimes so primally afraid of him in this fic. HOWEVER. Kabru (half incubus) remaining in his presence for so long has had the effect of cementing him, subconsciously, as an extremely strong monster as well (even though it's his human cluelessness that's the reason). Therefore it’s essentially an equation that goes [strong monster + not part of diet + in vicinity = potential mate/equal]. On some level this is hinted to with Kabru’s intense power kink paralleling it, but tbf it’s also just how I see Kabru. He is not part of the diet due to wasps being generally wayyy too small for a body as large as Laios’ monster.

Why did this become a problem so abruptly? The Kingdom’s taken this long to reach a relatively stable plateau, and much like other biological processes being halted by extreme stress, so has this one. In addition, purely headcanon, but I believe that monster breeding seasons tend to work somewhat opposite to animal seasons. The passage of time becomes significant again, given that as a monster he's “matured” biologically and is entering his very first. sigh. ovulation? rut season? it's NOT omegaverse it is just laios. 

The blood consumption is a side effect of iron deficiency (endless stomach edition) + food curse + mister King not understanding whether he wants to eat kabru or fuck kabru. The blood (see below) is kind of serving the same function as the desires (food) have to the Lion (addicting with an endless appetite). 

Again, Laios isn’t being stupid here: blood is the driving force of life itself. It’s about as close to magical vagueness loopholes as one can get. It’s not entirely right, as Laios still needs to consume desire itself to feel anything other than 40% full, but he’s on a fairly reasonable track. 

Also, goes without saying: Laios drinking that amount of blood from a 100% human would have been very different, in that they would have passed out due to the venom 5 minutes in and promptly have needed to have their stomach pumped before they had a stroke. K is just built different. 

ALSO, kept vague and you can debate this according to your interpretation, but Laios is still very demisexual. he only wants to drink from kabru because kabru is the only sexual option. again, the blood consumption is partially borne from Laios being unable to catalogue sexual feelings from platonic, hence him deciding it'll only work with friends, which may or may not be true.

Thank you for tolerating me! This is the first multi-chapter I've finished! If you've read this far I may as well ask which of the following options I should work on next:

delgaal!yaad/laios Sr. idk these old men can yaoi I'm confident 

lighthearted laios/kabru royalty au prince × best friend moment, where both are kind of petty assholes 

the winged lion in laios’ body/mithrun (please someone do this. need more cakes) 

the winged lion in laios’ body/kabru/fake mithrun 

dungeon lord marcille/regular falin

the one unhinged dream i had after first finishing the manga that’d be a really risky psychological horror longform that starts with comphet

[yidenn]

I really, really hope you are doing okay.

Because I'm not.

I still constantly fear that everything I might have done and said during that period contributed heavily to your development, and you're completely, wholeheartedly justified for removing me, and dissociating yourself from what I've been, what I am, and what you might think I will be.

You're completely justified for not letting a cancerous, chaotic mix of thoughts enter your experience, especially foreign ones that risk alienating you, after they've already damaged you multiple times.

You're completely justified for building a wall between you and a forest which made you lose your way multiple times, especially when you need to not lose yourself the most.

I've said, and done terrible things to you during those years, which I still sometimes fail to not portray as an idyllic, picturesque landscape each time I close my eyes.

However, I still can't stop wondering, even after all this time, if you had enough strength to fight against all the things that I, certainly, at least partially, didn't help you against. And I really hope you did - and you will obviously judge the next sentence as an idealization of yourself, which you will hate - but from whatever quantity of real information that I might have consciously processed about you while I was extremely self-absorbed, I still feel that you're a wonderful person.

And if you ever read all of this (even though it's extremely unlikely), there's a high chance that you would call me a liar, because you think all I want is get in touch with you again. I certainly can't deny that I also, superficially, still dream about it.

I still, childishly, hope that one day you will tell me literally anything, even that you hate me.

But just like you're justified for removing me, I'm justified for dreaming, as immature as it might be.

But I'm not dreaming about the past. Because I'm almost completely sure that even if I met you now within a completely different timeline, without any kind of previous knowledge about you, I would still think, and feel, all of those things about yourself, from the extremely limited set of information that I can deduce.

I'm justified for creating delusions, if those protect me for some time.

That doesn't make me a liar.

Or at least, it does, but only to myself.

I really hope you are okay.

[basicallyaturtle]

I have, I think, a strange connection to parasocialness, not a unique one, there are probably a TON of people that feel this exact way but I've never seen it expressed and possibly others will see this and go OH YEAH TOTALLY

So the prototypical parasocial behavior is indicated basically either by A, feeling like someone is your friend who as no idea who you are, both because in 1 performing as a public person, especially an entertainer

(side note what if instead of youtuber or tiktok creator or any specifics, and in lieu of calling it content creation, because gross, or artist, because that's a broader term than is applicable, we called them intertainers for internet entertainers? this is totally not just because I keep misspelling entertainer)

there is incentive to come off as genuine in a way that invites parasocialness not because that's the goal, it's just easier to make an audience that way, and also because 2, if you are an intertainer for long enough, you end up sharing quite a lot of yourself (personal stories, preferences opinions etc) that makes it seem like you are putting your whole self on the internet, when really you are not

or B, feeling like you know enough about a person to conclude who they are, what they're like, that kind of thing, which is mostly due to the same causes as behavior A.

I feel like I emotionally do B a lot, not purposefully, mostly subconsciously and when I find myself feeling that way, or seeking to be that way, by looking up personal information about youtubers or getting invested in a relationship that is partially public (just to mean people know that it exists, not that it is a Public Relationship) or something like that, I take a moment to remind myself that it is not productive or healthy to do that, even if the intertainer in question wanted to know all of their fans, it is just logistically impossible once you get above like 40 people, so stop that. Sometimes I still indulge a little, like letting myself look up one or two things, but only if it's like something they've talked about and are fine with the public knowing, but I am careful about it, and on general principle I just try to not engage in this behavior for intertainers.

However, I find myself on occasion extremely consciously aware that I do not know said intertainer, and they know me even less, and seeing how they interact with other intertainers and think something to the extent of 'man it would be cool to get to know these people more, they seem like a fun group to hang out with' This is one step removed from the parasocial behavior mentioned above, because it is basically going yeah I see them parasocially, it might be neat to be actually just social with them. Like, I find myself thinking that it would be cool to like accidentally stumble upon one of these people and form a friendship with them. This does happen, especially within the intertainer space, where you can be a fan of someone and then end up collaborating with them and becoming friends, but it is definitely not the norm, especially when one of the people (me) is not an intertainer. This also isn't really in the way of oh man I'm such a huge fan and if I met them that would be craaazy, just these people seem like a fun group to hang out with, wish I could get to know them better.

Now this is still extremely parasocial, I still look at the facades that intertainers put up and think wow what a cool person wish I could know more about them and get acquainted with them. I think this is even more nefarious (meaning like, it can infiltrate the mind without one noticing not that the people that feel this are nefarious), since as detailed, I see it as one step removed from the prototypical parasocial behavior even though it's like still really presumptive of the nature of how people present themselves online. It's also, for me at least, harder to write off. Like I know it's parasocial, but unlike with the other behavior where I go stop being like that, it's not healthy, and then stop, I find it difficult to get rid of this latter feeling. Like if an intertainer says they're going to a convention I think oh that would be the perfect opportunity to bump into them. I immediately say to myself no that's a bad idea and kind of stalkerish, and I've never even gone to a con and there's none ever near me so that's not even like something I'd do, but the thought of wanting to do that, and that it could work lingers in my mind in a way the other kind of stuff doesn't, possible because I don't want to see it as parasocial, and it feels more disconnected from the idea, despite it still being so. In that case, strangely, if I was just a huge fan and wanted to meet them, then that would be a normal thing to do at a con, and I am being MORE parasocial by having this idea that I could 'accidentally' meet them and befriend them.

I also specifically have this thought of 'oh I'd be super causual about it' Like if I saw a person I was a fan of on the street I would just be like oh shit it's you love your work because that seems like the thing to do, not freak out. Or if I coincidentally (and I actually mean coincidentally here, not like the 'accidental' of the other thought) were to like move in close to someone I was a fan of, ti would be cool to see them around, and it would be neat to try to get to know them more. and this is a particular weird part to me.

Wanting to get to know, or even befriend, neighbors is a normal thing to do. I would like to become friends with neighbors, so I have people that live near me I am friends with, and also just because having friends is nice. I don't do that now with neighbors because I'm a shut in grad student but that's besides the point at the moment.

If I was neighbors with an intertainer that I enjoyed, and I wanted to become friends, or at least acquainted, with them, then that would be parasocial, because even in recognizing I do not know very much about them, I would still be entering the sphere of communication on uneven ground because I would know way more about them than they knew me, the same issue as before. I think even if I tried to like forget about their work entirely, or create like a distinction between the intertainer and the person, the parasociality would still creep in inevitably. And if I just pretended to not know about it to them specifically, like ask what they do and be all coy like oh I don't really use youtube or whatever, then that would be worse in a way due to the deception, and on examining what would happen if it became known that I did know their work, they would feel a little scandalized, rightfully. Also if I got to know them, then tried to interact with them as a fan of their work, then it would be overly familiar, like it would be unfair to any other fan that I got to do this. I sometimes also feel this way when I interact publicly with irl friends that have, not a following, but people that they don't know that enjoy their work, like I'm being overly familiar with them in this public setting, that's kind of strange even though we are actually friends because it looks like I'm being insanely parasocial or that it's unfair that this person can talk to you like this but people they don't' know can't. (This also verges on the 'you can be jokingly rude to friends but try doing that on anon asks and you're just a dick because yeah you don't know that person or 'egg discourse' where constantly badgering a public person about their gender identity is different from nudging at a close friend in a jocular manner, both of which are kind of landmines and I don't want to touch anymore because that's not really what this is about for me)

That is all also more of an emotional feeling than one I think is actually based on some truth, and may be a reflection of how I would feel if I learned that someone 'got' to do that that wasn't me (I am also aware that that sounds kind of deranged, but I mean that I would feel this in a kind of knee jerk response, not to say that that isn't my feeling, but I recognize that it is unreasonable)

I also would be more motivated to get to know an intertainer that I share a neighborhood with than a generic neighbor, which is certainly parasocial, but could also partly due to the fact that a generic neighbor also includes plenty of people I just wouldn't get along with, so in having them be an intertainer I know, I would at least know that I would get along with them-- Accept it I wouldn't! I just caught that as I was typing actually. just because I like an intertainer's material does not mean I would necessarily get along with them, and is even less indicative of how they would find my personality, so in saying that I am still being parasocial.

I don't know what I would do in that situation of I'm being honest, realistically continue to be a shut in and just know I have someone I 'know' online as a neighbor, but just thinking about it happening, or 'fantasizing' (not that per se, but just kind of thinking it'd be neat if that happened, maybe idealizing) about it is still parasocial.

Actually I had an opportunity to do this kind of. There's a youtuber who made videos about going to undergrad where I am currently doing my PhD, and he's involved with some of the programs that the department at a lab attached to the university does, so he's around, though not on campus, at that lab, for a few weeks in the summer, and what I do, while not related to that subject, is tangentially connected, just because they're both ultimately about nuclei and shit. I have a friends who is a fan of his, as am I somewhat, and he joined the program, not to meet the guy, but because his research is in that subject so it made sense, but in getting to meet him, my friend was telling me about how nervous he was to meet and first, and it was really awesome to get to work with him. And I couldn't not think that if I met him I simply would not be like that. There was a vague sense of superiority that I knew was unfounded, but I thought like pfft I would just be casual and could become friends with him. I didn't end up going to the lab most of the summer, so I never met him, and I never felt inclined to go there just to meet him, but I had this sense of my friend is being weird I would be so normal. But as with the convention thing, it is arguably more parasocial to try to play it cool and get to know them more rather than just be a fan, though different in this case, because my friend was basically working with him, and while he was initially like woah guy I'm a fan of he wasn't like actually off putting or like being a super fan obsessive kind of guy anything. But yeah all my feelings surrounding that situation were actually stranger, I think, than just being a fan.

This is also more complex on tumblr I think, since a lot of blogs are just like things the person finds interesting, and often there really isn't that facade, at least not in a purposeful way. Sending asking, directly reblogging and tagging posts, likes being visible, it kind of leans into the feeling of yeah this is a person you can be friends with if you just try hard enough. Sometimes this is true! people make mutuals in this way, they follow each other, then come to know each other better, sharing other contacts, dming, @'ing, you can become actual online friends with people on tumblr in a way that I think is harder on any other platform (though I'm only on youtube and tumblr so if there's other social media platforms like that then my b, I saw that post where someone was dating on quora so I guess anything is possible). There's more to this as well, like being mutuals on tumblr can also just be a blog thing, not necessarily a friend thing, or you can have friends that only follow you or you only follow them because either blog does not have stuff on it actually interesting to the other. Anyway, all that to say, it's really easy to be parasocial on tumblr, and also easier to actually be friends on tumblr, but that's a side thing, I'm mostly interested in parasociality as a youtube phenomenon, which is where I experience it.

All that also to say that thoughtcrime isn't really a thing and if I'm not being a creep or doing anything harmful or anything like that then like who cares, but I find categorizing which thoughts are useful/productive and which are harmful/unproductive and other categories and try to cultivate a mindscape that is healthy to the best of my ability (though mental illness definitely does not help with that) and I noticed a strange pattern of parasociality that I haven't heard before, and maybe has been left behind in the popular conception of it, or else discussions of it are happening and I just haven't seen it, or that I'm the only one to feel exactly this way (that seems unlikely though given the number of people that are)

[creations-by-chaosfay]

I have pulmonary therapy this morning, but after we get home, there aren't anymore plans for my day. It's likely gonna be a mix of working on the next quilt and gaming. My living room is too bright to see the TV screen from about 10AM to 2PM...unless it's cloudy. Which is why I tend to game in the very early morning. Today is looking to be another sunny one.

Unless I receive a commission, I'll be working on Antivan Crows fanart quilts. These will be made using crow foundation paper piecing patterns, the same I've used below:

I have them printed in various sizes, which means there will be options. A poll I was running a few days ago showed a near equal preference for purple crow with a black background and black crow with purple background. Looks like I'll be making both available.

I'm desperately hoping these sell. They will not be cheap. These are foundation paper pieced, meaning I'm sewing fabric to paper, and then each section sewn together, followed by the removal of the paper, and then basting and machine quilting. It's more steps and a lot of paper.

As for how long these will take, the larger sizes will likely take a week, the smaller ones a few days, but I need more breaks. Today will likely be spent folding all the paper. It's a very helpful step, folding paper along the seamlines. It speeds things up once I start sewing.

These are mini quilts, but the smaller ones may serve as mug rugs. If you know you intend to purchase one, set aside no less than $200 for a mug rug, more if you want anything larger than 12x12 inches. I'll be starting with the smaller sizes today, and the first will be a purple crow on a black background. Unlike the crows pictured above, I will be using the same fabric for the wings, feet, and beak. The eye will be the same color as the background.

If you know for a fact you will be purchasing one, please don't tell me. It's extremely disappointing when people tell me they'll purchase my work...and then vanish. It's happened with virtually everything I've made for my shop. I will not reserve anything for you unless you pay half the price immediately upon listing and pay the rest within a month. No refunds. If you can't pay the second half within four weeks, I re-list it. Yes, I'm angry about the disappointment I'm frequently fed.

I have $1k left to pay on my current debt, and will have new debt soon because Cacoa needs to see the vet. She has a sort of skin tag on her leg, and it's in thr center of a bald spot. We noticed it yesterday, and this will need to be biopsied. Purchasing a game console is on hold until the debts are paid. Selling my quilts is how I'll be doing that, and telling me you're going to buy my work is not going to help me.