#which I honestly wish i were more. idk sometimes i feel like I'm faking it? not in a mean way just imagining what it would mean to be in

[omarfor-orchestra]

.

[lucimaaie]

ellie as spiderwoman hcs ✧.* au

a/n- honestly was just an excuse for me to watch spiderman again and i took it, kind of switch between would’ve and did idk babes im just having fun atp

playlist | spidey masterlist

she'd have lost her mom at a young age and been placed with joel, who she never gets along with at first, thinking he's just a bil ol meanie who wanted an extra check every month.

that was until he showed he cared, not through hugs and affection in the traditional sense, but making sure she did her homework, picking her up everyday, getting her out of her room, checking on her when she'd been too quiet. "you okay, kiddo?" and "i heard talking helps." he'd say as he leaned on the door frame. eventually, she couldn't help but love him.

absolutely a nerd. though, when she got teased, she didn't exactly back down as expected which landed her in the detention a few times and some talking-to's. but she won and defended herself. no one could be mad at her for that. still, she was smart. she was going to be an astronaut after all. though that dream died in middle school.

high school came and she tried to straighten up. no more fighting bullies, even if they deserved it. she was better than that. she would get an internship, the internship that would line everything up, get her a scholarship so she could study aerospace engineering, get rich and get joel out of the old house on a patch of land with however many sheep he wanted. the same internship that got her bitten by a radioactive spider and shooting webs out her wrists.

words could not describe how much she worried joel when she woke up the day after, crushing her alarm clock, breaking the sink, the shower rack, everything. she skipped that day, hanging out on the rooftop of the house while joel was away stuck between having a panic attack from the sensory overload and telling someone, anyone. she decided on testing them out which earned her quite a few bruises joel luckily chalked up to another fight. "we gotta talk about this fighting thing sometime." she'd roll her eyes, saying something snarky before limping up the stairs. "say what you want but i win," "i heard that!"

also sidebar: ellie as a new yorker...whew. honestly ellie as anything- anyway.

hours or research ensue on cross-species genetics, spiderbites, different types of spiders, everything that made her feel disgusting. she slammed her laptop closed, crushing the poor thing.

it felt like there were a million things to do with her newfound powers but the only two on her mind was impress dina and swing from the rooftops. c’mon, she was 16 with the powers of a freaking spider. who said saving people would the first thing on her mind? she felt powerful, even weirder than she already felt but still powerful.

it was terrible, watching joel get more and more disappointed in her as she got distracted. “i’m a good kid! i just got distracted, gimmie a break.” “i have given you plenty. more than i should’ve. and that’s on me. that's my mistake to make you think that coming home late and fighting and blowing me off is okay.”

“i can't help how i turned out! don't blame me for being a shitty dad.” she yelled before slamming the door and stalking off into who knows where. she didn't even mean it, she was just stressed, she never meant any of it. hours later, she’d wish those words never came out her mouth.

she'd hoped she was having some cruel nightmare when she saw joel laid out on the pavement. "some help me! c-call an ambulance. don't just fucking stand there-" her voice was raw as she screamed out. "c'mon, don't die on me. y-you can't. i'm sorry? is that what you wanna hear? i'm sorry."

she hated the looks of pity, everyone's soft voices. people who never once talked to her suddenly caring. it was all fake. they didn't know her and they sure and hell didn't know joel.

she became another person for a while. quieter, more closed off. sometimes snappy. laser focused on finding the low-life took joel from her. that's when she started wearing the mask. the basic concept of it anyway and it caught on with the people, more than she imagined. ellie scoffed at the name spider-woman at first, thinking it was ridiculous. she wasn't some circus performer, she was just trying to find the killer.

dina as her mj, reaching out to her after joel’s death, inviting her over for dinner, talking to her in class, all of it. it wasn’t the same disingenuous pity she hated, she could feel she cared. so she allowed her feelings to fester. being with her actually helped. it was one more thing to balance with school and the internship and her mission, but it was more person in her life. she needed that.

one day ellie went running towards the trouble. not because joel's killer was there or cause of some adrenaline rush, but because she needed to do something. to not be helpless for once. she wasn't helpless. she hadn't felt completely in control of her body as she webbed a whole bridge back together and pulled cars back onto the surface, but in the end it was a like a high. it still ached to see kids running to their parents and everyone running to their families, but they were all safe. she did that. and that felt better than getting revenge and letting it suck the life out of her. so she'd wear the spandex and the mask and go by the stupid name. only cause it meant something now.

thank you for reading!

[kidflashimpulse]

NO BECAUSE OMG BART HAVING A SCAR ON THE INSIDE OF HIS MOUTH IS SO SMART

(Hi, it's me, the overexcited rambler dambler)

Because listen, just like you wrote, him appearing to not have scars sells the story of future tourist so well, BUT LITTLE DO THEY KNOW THAT THERE IS ONE HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT

I do kinda wish that Jay told someone, or managed to come through to Bart and have a real heart to heart with him instead of being roasted for being concerned (Bart "livestock get branded, it's literally common knowledge, I was about as important as a pig" Allen I'm looking at you, maybe you haven't acknowledged/realised it but there is SOMETHING hiding behind that titanium wall of yours)

It doesn't even need to be Jay, but maybe some day Bart will feel comfortable sharing this scar with Ed or Jaime (though Jaime would probably, like, want to fling himself to the sun if Bart ever told him) and just get some form of comfort out of it

(A funky addition would be that Ed found out by exploring if ya know what I mean🤭)

But that also leaves me wondering, like, since that brand is pretty unique in his time, how would Bart have passed in the camps after/if he escaped the Scientists? Did he draw a fake brand on his neck? Did the Scientists send him there after being satisfied with their tests and just knowing where he was/being able to pull him back whenever they desired?

Also his connections with the prostitutes was really clever, they're the ones who can coax information out of important people after all, allowing Bart to gather some necessary tech for his time machine. Genius genius genius. I'm just imagining a 12-year-old Bart casually vibing/downing booze with these people and nobody suspecting a thing when in reality he's plotting to break their reality down

omg it’s the return of an icon ❤️

honestly (hes unaware of it though) Jay seems to be respecting Barts very much unsaid wishes (bart doesn’t think he cares about who knows, but he seems to prefer the fewer the better approach in this case) by not telling anyone. I don’t think it’s intentional on his part, but u knw sometimes u do (or don’t) do things without realising

genuinely, it’s the funniest thing ever to me how everyone read that scene as bart roasting jay like 😭 he was just keeping it real but with his unshakeable attitude 😂 which honestly yeah that is basically sass, love it when characters and scenes take on a life of their own sometimes truly it’s so entertaining and such typical bart behaviour lol

idk if Jaime knows 👀 if he does i feel like itd be cause of Bart for some reason thinking it would be funny to show it to him and then Jaimes just like

yeah Ed 100% knows and for the exact reasons u mentioned 😂 i mean besides being at the dentists that’s pretty much the only other socially acceptable reason for someone to look into barts mouth at this point

i won’t go too much into the timeline of bart’s captivity as a lab rat vs him being in the camps as a slave, but they’re two very different stages of his life (he’s much younger as a lab rat whereas being a slave was closer to him leaving his timeline, a lot of stuff went down in between). I should’ve probably elaborated a bit more on it in the chapter, but whilst it was unique it wasn’t completely unheard of to not be branded on the neck, especially since a lot of their subjects were meta humans, there’s bound to be some variety of people that have it elsewhere. all that mattered was that u had the brand

“when in reality he’s plotting to break their reality down” that line goes incredibly hard, i’m obsessed ! love how that’s genuinely what he did though, like he’s crazy for real

thank u for sharing ur thoughts with us and for reading ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ i appreciate it so much 😘

[exhausted-walking-disaster]

I am always on the fence on whether or not I actually experience psychosis or not. It's way too easy for me to be like, no I don't because I don't think I do and I'm likely overreacting but all it takes is some visual hallucinations and paranoia for me to question it all again.

I have been formally diagnosed schizoaffective before but I have been through the mental health system at various organizations over the years and in more recent years I try to explain and at the same time deny my symptoms when describing them to providers. Honestly they believe me and I no longer get diagnosed that way but I have no way of knowing if it's because I go to extreme lengths to avoid talking in detail about it or if I actually don't have schizoaffective. I did get an SMI determination in the past specifically because of suicidality and hallucinations I experienced but how do I know that the hallucinations count or are truly psychosis? I blame something neurological or wrong with my eyes when I vehemently deny having experienced hallucinations but it gets harder to believe as I have had them since I was 6 years old. I even went to the hospital for the hallucinations then yet I can't bring myself to admit I experience them at all.

The things I see are relatively tame most of the time yet I feel so much fear at others when I feel like it's too much and a sign of something I wish to pretend doesn't happen to me. It's like I sometimes want to experience them to confirm a schizospec disorder and sometimes I feel like I'm lying to everybody and they know that I am full of shit when I say I have schizoaffective since I feel like I don't actually have visual/auditory hallucinations and it just just be some other thing causing what I'm experiencing since it seems so hard to distinguish most of the time.

IDK, I used to skip sleeping for days to interact with the visual hallucinations instead and have seen things such as burning buildings that freaked me out or convinced myself aliens and ghosts(which I could see) were there to take me back from this world since I died so long ago and am constantly on the run from them to try to keep them from taking me back. This is a recurring theme that I some back to every few months yet I still can't bring myself to feel schizoaffective was a correct diagnosis and I have no way of telling if I actually experienced those symptoms or am faking it all somehow.

I can't look at the blinds in my room without setting off a ton of visual hallucinations so bad I start to not be able to see anything else yet it still feels like what if it's my eyes? What if it's a symptom of some neurological thing? I don't have psychosis and it's wishful thinking to say I do because secretly I'm trying to be special right? Save me from my brain slipping out of my head but that's just a migraine right? Issues with Wi-Fi means the government is trying to send FBI agents to take me away and they are just waiting to come in and arrest me right?I am seeing things that are not there about 75% of the time yet I know they aren't there really so I am faking it all right?

I can't even make sense of my thoughts as I type this but I don't think I have schizoaffective it's all a lie because I don't experience psychosis I only have Depression and ADHD diagnosis because I'm a huge liar and the doctors don't fight me on that because they know it's the truth. G-d it's so confusing and I don't think I'll ever fully understand or come to whatever the true answer is to this problem.

[capybara-megafan]

A dream.

Hi. It's been more than a week. But i am writing today so i don't forget the dream I had today. It has to be one of the most tormenting things I have ever experienced. So much, that i woke up in tears(literally). So the dream revolves around the story of "they both die in the end", in which our world also has the death-cast. And (me being the unfortunate main character) got the call.But unlike the books we die exactly 24 hours after the call. Including my mom and dad.(my twin gets a fake call which we think is real until the end ,and she lives) I got the call at 11:41(yes I remember the time, it was that traumatizing) and my parents got it later. I spent the entire day knowing I was going to die. It was honestly nothing less than a nightmare. I spent the day with my family, knowing we were going to die, I remember going to a party and some random building (random stuff happening is common in dreams) . I remember my heartbeat getting faster every time i think about my death. I remember wishing I die in sleep, peacefully.Time is moving fast but i dont feel like anything is wrong with me. I also remember getting a text from a friend asking about the call. As I am about to die, the time hits 11:21 , then 11:31..I remember my parents being annoyed that I keep reminding them(idk why) and when the time finally comes, I just dose off.. And that's it. I'm dead. I no longer live. I no longer exist in this plane. I ascend to the astral plane and can see everything and everyone else, except my body. I don't remember my parents or sister's reaction. But then it's my mothers turn. That was what made me cry. Not my death, hers. I remember seeing her cry on the balcony while I could almost read her mind. I don't see her die, and I don't wish to.Nothing happened to my dad till then too. I woke up before that.I sat on the balcony with her and drank hot water with her, while we talked for 20 minutes. I think this was a sign to treat my parents better than I did. I love them, yet sometimes I can't help but be angry. I will treat them way better now. Maybe I needed this. Or maybe I didn't. We will never know. So, until next time,

Bye. :)

[nathank77]

6/10/24

6:40 p.m

I slept pretty well. I passed out in like 20 minutes.. which sucks...sometimes I think the new bottle of xanax is fake but idk. I got to set up my xanax for the next few days it sucks having to count it. I got to shower and brush my teeth and I'm going to play bo4 if it let's me. If not I may watch ink master all day.

I had a dream where I didn't sleep.

I woke up at 10 a.m needing to pee, I peeded and ate a think protein bar and took benadryl. I passed back out. I had a lot of weird dreams but I can't remember them but they were significant and I wish I did. One was about Elise.

I got the lozengers today before I woke up hence why I put in the order last night cause then I wouldnt have to go out.. I will try them when I feel my gums feel shitty later. I had therapy at 430 and scheduled my mri. Unfortunately in July was their earliest availability.... a day before my testosterone shot but at least it's at 4:45 p.m.

I've been thinking about Elise. If she ever writes to me. I'm honestly scared- she saw my tumblr at least once. If I was her I'd pick one of three approaches:

1) never talk to the guy, if i was in love with my husband and I didn't trust the guy.

2) talk to him if I was in love with my husband and never bring up tumblr or feelings and pretend I knew nothing about it.

3) or I'd write a fucking essay. Idk what I'd write. I did have feelings for you but now I don't. I love my husband and saw your tumblr and can't be your friend cause of your feelings. You made me hate you bc of your tumblr. You're obsessed with me.

What I'm most afraid of is 1 or 3. 1 because she would never talk to me.

Option 3 cause I mean I highly doubt, it's going to be a positive essay. I mean it's not going to be like I am in love with you and read your whole tumblr I feel exactly the same way. It's prob going to be more like- I read your tumblr and I don't feel the same way. Maybe I did but it changed bc of your tumblr. I'm married and you writing about me makes me uncomfortable and feel like you're obsessed with me. What you're doing isn't normal. I can't know you, I wish you the best.

I'm terrified. I'd do one 1 of the 3 and if I acknowledged tumblr I'd have a pre planned written out essay I've been working on for months and idk if it would be a positive one. I mean I try to put myself in someone shoes... and I mean the essay could be like I feel the same way I want to take it slow. I read every word but I mean that's me being stupidly hopeful.... I imagine it's going to be negative and basically say I can't know you. I wish you the best.

I don't even want to hear from her if it's like that it'll break my heart to finally see her name on my phone and then to have it end again.

It already ended. I can't have another ending before it even started.

[yuikomorii]

I don't know about others, but I'm an avid ayayu shipper but I think that Rejet should try balancing out ayayui with other ship material, especially with material involving storylines. I get that many and the CEOs probably like ayato and Yui together a lot, but what got me is the manga's weird execution and just randomly shoving Ayato x Yui in there. I was under the impression the manga would explore the Sakamaki boys' minds, and while we got a bit of the others, it ultimately seemed focused on Ayato's experiences again often making him go through "it" the most.

I always know there's a poster boy, but sometimes it does feel like others' content gets half-assed or it's hard to just ignore ayayui when a lot of good/main content is centered around ayato/ayayui. I think the DL fandom has other boys who are more popular than ayato or just really popular in general, so I don't think people are tripping when hey expected a good manga that went into depth on the Sakamaki's backgrounds, but ended up with a more wishy-washy plot and just ayayui being thrown in there.

Like I said, they're my main ship, but I don't like the "fate" thing they had going on, which sort of invalidated HDB's 1st encounter or just other DL boy ships. I haven't been in other otome fandoms for a few months, but (correct me if I'm wrong anybody) I personally never experienced the poster boy being pushed this much, while others were either lacking in quality material or just weren't as promoted. Maybe this is because DL has 13 boys, but that's not an excuse if it is the case since Rejet decided to continue adding boys just like how it's their right to choose a poster boy.

Feel free to disagree of course, but I just wanted to share my thoughts!

//I actually get what you mean.I don’t think that’s fair either,as I said in one of my previous posts,I liked the last panel but I wish it never existed because that ruins their whole first meeting.

I sincerely assumed he was born as Adam,I thought Karlheinz knew that and made Cordelia abuse him only to make him show his true potential but adding that fig made everything worse.I’m 100% sure his love for Yui is genuine NOW but at the beginning ,due to that fig it honestly seems fake.

Actually,nobody can be more popular than Ayato worldwide.I made a post once about it but in Japan he’s not actually the most popular one,which is weird because Rejet and other otoge companies usually focus on the Japanese audience rather than on the western one but that’s just a case of bias from Rejet,I guess.

I was hoping to see way more.I thought there would have been more plot,I wanted to see the Mukami brothers so bad because they’re my favorite family,so I was really happy to see them on that cover but jokes on me :// I’m gonna be honest,I don’t really like the Sakamaki family,sure they help each other sometimes but other times they’re so against each other that they piss me off*coughs*Lost Eden*coughs*

The YB manga would have been way better if it focused on the thoughts of the Diaboys,their past or bonds rather than on the process of becoming Adam.Ayato was known to be Adam since More Blood and I had nothing against it because it was obvious,yet it didn’t have to be literally confirmed in a manga when mostly fans were aware about it.Don’t get me wrong,Ayato is indeed the most heroic out of everyone and he doesn’t deserve hate for eating that fig since he got no other choice but as an Ayato stan,I wasn’t in need for 8 chapters about his “Becoming Adam”story.I get it,he was the odd one,he was sad while trying to act brave,he was used as bait and left there all alone,he still cared for others and so on but Rejet could have shown how heroic he is in other type of circumstances.They could have made him…idk,perhaps defending one of his brothers or finding out something interesting?

I’m not a fan of the”I’m different from the others”trope.I feel bad for him,I truly do but it feels as if Rejet made him overcome all his problems while others are still struggling.They could have developed his thoughts rather than simply making him Adam,he could have proven himself to be the best in another way but nooo,they had to suddenly make him the most important character out of the blue.I know it’s pure fiction but not everything works like that,sometimes you simply should accept yourself the way you are,no matter if you’re an outcast or not.I really loved the fact that Ayato wasn’t perfect,he was mean,childish,insecure, a dummy sometimes but I loved these sides of him yet looking back at his routes,they truly changed him.In his LE Good ending,he is shown being very mature and responsible,he has no insecurities anymore because he became a good king and everyone starts respecting him.Of course,I love seeing him happy but is that really Ayato?I mean yeah,those qualities are a plus but Rejet shouldn’t forget how his true personality is.One of the reasons why I love his MB Good ending and After Story so much is the fact he doesn’t become king there.That’s not his dream,but his mother’s one.He accepts himself the way he is without becoming what she wanted him to become,and that’s fine because he literally entered University and kept on having a normal life with his wife/Yui,as they deserve.

While I enjoyed seeing Yui there(because I’m Yui content starved),that wasn’t the right time to introduce her.Yeah,she is the heroine but Young Blood was about the boys’ past ,therefore it had nothing to do with her.Not everything in DL needs to be about romance,sometimes fans are only seeking for plot or more details about their favorite Diaboys.

I’m saying this again,Ayato deserves much hype but not everything has to be about him,nor about Yui or Ayayui.People just want to get more content of their comfort boys and that’s understandable.

[hyunnie]

I'm pretty tired of the mindset some fans have to be honest... Like kpop is not that deep, and you can enjoy it the way you want, I mean, the main part of kpop is enjoying the music, the dancing, and the performances, of course there is also their contents but that's not the principal. And I feel like these days some fans are like obsessed with views, streaming, votes, of course I get it, they want their favs to succeed but for a competition like kingdom, I feel like the whole purpose is kinda broken by this mindset, you should vote for the performances you like the most not doing strategies so your ult will won, like of course I hope skz will win, but because their talents are recognised and the jury is fair ! Idk I'm a bit scared that in the eyes of people outside of the fandom, if skz do win, some will think they only did because stays are a big fandoms next to others participing in the show...I want them to be recognised by their hardwork, and I know skz are capable of winning because they produce greats musics in their own genre with beautiful choreographies and impressive perfomances. But honestly, while watching kingdom I'm mostly here to enjoy the greats perfomances from the differents groups and to see interactions between them and just seeing them having fun, if there were no winners, the show would be even better for me.

With this mindset of mass-streaming and mass-voting, I feel like a lot of kpop awards show at the end of the year have lost meaning, the mains prizes are always won by groups with massive fandoms and the jury doesn't seem to care about the quality, which is sad because big groups just get all the rewards while smaller groups sometimes produce better quality and deserve the prize. It's not a judgment of quality anymore but of popularity...

I'm also tired of fans pressuring other to stream and vote, like people have a life too, and not everybody have the time to do so or even want to do so, and when you say this, people come screaming at you for being a "fake fan". And it's the same if you share the smallest ounce of criticisms towards something they do. And I'm sorry but I also feel like some fans are completely disconnected, of course you can like your favs, but they should not forget that we only see what they want us to see and as much as you support them, you will never really know them and they don't know you, it's their job. And mostly they should never forget that kpop idols are humans beings not some kind of perfect plastic dolls, they don't owe you anything, they can make mistakes sometimes, and they have the right to have a life, please idols should be allowed to date in peace without crazy fans.

Like I'm a fan too, Stray Kids are my favourite group, I've been a stay since more than 2 years and a half, so of course I have attachment toward them and I wish them to succeed and be happy, but I can still be detached. Fandoms are not that deep you're just here to enjoy things.

Wow sorry, that's pretty long but I was thinking about it these last few months and just seeing these asks in you inbox remind me of it. I'm so sorry for this long rant....

GO OFF GIRL LETS GOOOOO

but seriously everything u said i 100% agree. somehow kpop has become a numbers game and numbers don’t define success, unless your definition of success is big numbers. everyone should go listen to jamie’s single numbers lol.

but thanks anon for being comfortable enough to share your thoughts with me!!

[crystxlclear]

sudden desire

chapter two: coffee times ten

part three of sudden desire

prologue / one / masterlist

in which two best friends won’t admit they’re in love so decide to have a baby together instead.

pairing: marcus pike x original female character

summary: coffee, coffee and more coffee. coraline ropes marcus into babysitting duties.

word count: 4.4k

warnings: the slightest smidge of angst? boyfriend material marcus (needs his own warning because he’s soft af), mentions of divorce? mentions of pregnancy? two idiots being domestic af without realising it. honestly i’m just pulling these warnings out of my ass idk what counts anymore

author’s note: sorry if there’s any errors, i’m honestly the world’s worst proofreader (last time i went to post this, there were still passages from when this wasn’t fanfiction and marcus was an actor like cora, cause that would have made total sense!) but also i get super hypercritical so it’s best if i just don’t read and reread my work oops... anyway, enjoy!

Monday morning comes and she’s wearing the dress that he likes. It's the yellow one she wore the day they met, the reason he calls her sunshine, and she smiles as she sweeps effortlessly into the coffee shop. Coraline pushes the sunglasses she's wearing up onto her head and greets him with a hug and a small 'hello' muffled against his shoulder. 

It's only January but the sun still seeps in too brightly through the shop's thatched windows; it casts her in a halo of gold as she sits in the armchair across from him. Even despite the warmth pooling in the air, he can tell she's still cold, from the way her shoulders shrink inwards and she wraps her arms around herself. If she is cold, she doesn't let him know, just takes a moment to run her hands up her arms before wrapping them around the mug of coffee he'd ordered her. He'd told her to go see someone about it — constant chills aren't exactly normal — but she'd refused, brushing off his concern with a simple shrug of her shoulders and an insistence that she'd be fine. She'd also pointed out that it was, in fact, January and it was meant to be cold, even if it wasn't. It still hasn't stopped him from worrying, though. 

"You left early last night." He points out. Last night, some high-end gallery opening in downtown D.C., too many cameras and far too many people. He’d invited her as his plus one, purely platonically, of course, and because he knew she was the only friend he had that liked art just as much as he did, though she hadn't wanted to go. He hadn't blamed her, especially when they’d got there; Coraline's ex, Scott, and his new girlfriend had shown up, apparently friends with the gallery owner, their hands a little too wandering. If his ex and their new partner showed up, flouting their relationship in front of him, he'd be pretty upset and reluctant to go, too. He’d managed to persuade her to come the night before, albeit through incessant nagging, so much so that he thinks she probably only relented to shut him up. Though, looking back at it now, he wishes they had just stayed at home.

Coraline hums into her coffee cup. Her brown hair still falls in loose, half-styled curls around her face; she tucks a little behind her ear. "I was tired. My bed was calling," she insists with a bright smile. 

He doesn't entirely believe her, even though she's a pretty great actress and, consequently, just as good at hiding how she really feels. Because he knows she saw them last night. It was hard not to; a cramped room like that gave you no place to hide, and they weren't exactly being subtle. He saw the way she'd shuffle uncomfortably then their laughter would filter through the quiet space, soft but still piercing. Marcus was convinced that they were doing it on purpose, especially when he caught Scott stealing glances from across the room whenever he thought no one was looking. He was trying to get a reaction and, being as graceful as she was, she hadn't given him that, even if she had spent the entire night with her brows furrowed and wearing a smile he could tell was fake.

He watches her curiously; the way she sips her coffee slowly, how her hair curls softly against her neck, the gentle curve of her pink lips that seems permenant around him. But he’s never been the most subtle, at least, not around her. She notices him staring, gaze lingering for far too long over the gentle contours of her face, and their eyes meet for a second; they're immediately lit by another even brighter smile that pulls across her glossed lips. "What?" She questions. Her cheeks always flush pink whenever he looks at her for longer than a moment. 

He shakes his head, returning her smile, perhaps a little too enthusiastically when his teeth peak through a little. "Nothing, I just-" I just want you to be happy, he thinks. But he doesn't say it, because she must know that already, and just shakes his head. "Nothing." He repeats. 

"You're staring."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are." She chuckles, poking his leg with the toe of her boot. “Why are you staring?”

"Cora, I'm not staring."

He is staring. He can't help it. Especially when she smiles. 

She regards him for a second. Sometimes, he wonders if she can read his mind, given the way her eyes trace over his face like she's reading a book. Truthfully, he wouldn’t mind if she did read his mind. "I'm fine." She answers the unspoken question lingering thick in the air. The real reason he's looking at her like he is. A laugh lilts at the edges of her insistence and he can tell that she's lying; there's a furrow pulling at her eyebrows that gives her away. He’s learned to look for it. "Why wouldn't I be?" She knows exactly why. But it seems like that's all they talk about, how she is. And she doesn't want to anymore. She's fine. 

Because your ex-husband spent the entire night trying to make you jealous, he wants to say. But he doesn't. He leaves it alone.

Marcus leant back in his chair. He doesn't push it. "No reason." 

Coraline peers at him over the top of her coffee cup — it's almost too big for her hands — but she doesn't press it further, even if she does raise her eyebrows a little. Or, at least, she doesn't get a chance too, because someone is calling out to her from across the coffee shop. "No reason." She repeats with a soft hum. 

She peels her eyes away from Marcus, almost like it's some great hardship to stop looking at him, and turns her smile towards whoever had called her name. He recognises her as Loren Hull, Coraline's childhood best friend, struggling to push through the door with a stroller, even as someone holds the door open for her and another helps her inside. 

Coraline watches with amusement as Loren teeters towards them. "How are you?" She asks as she hugs her. Her attention switches towards the gurgling baby in the stroller; she was chewing on a toy, far too preoccupied to pay attention to anything that was going on around her. That was until she catches sight of Coraline and cries out with glee. "And how's my favourite goddaughter?" She coos. 

Loren huffs out a groan. Her blonde hair is tied haphazardly on top of her head, curls spilling out at either side, falling into her face. There are dark circles beneath her green eyes. "She's great-" She grins down at her daughter for a moment before her head throws back. "But I'm exhausted." She's talking far too fast, the words falling from her mouth, in the same way, an almost nonsensical rambling might. It's almost like she thinks that, if she doesn't talk fast, she'll never be able to get the words out. "I can't stay long- oh, hey, Marcus-" It's like in her hurry and she hasn't noticed he's there until now. He doesn't blame her; Coraline has mentioned that she's still getting to grips with being a single mom. "-but I need coffee otherwise I'm going to pass out."

Coraline is grinning down at Loren's daughter, Maisie, whispering soft 'hello's at her, completely distracted by the baby who seemed just as captivated. The baby giggles and reaches for Cora's fingers, kicking her legs excitedly under the pink blanket. "I could look after her tonight if you need some rest." Her eyes don't leave Maisie, who's tiny fingers wrap tightly around Coraline's pointer finger. Half of him wonders if she'd actually meant to offer her help or if the whispers had come out before she had chance to think them through. 

"You could?" Loren's face lights up with relief. 

"Of course!" Cora's eyes come to rest on Marcus. "Would you mind?" 

"Not at all." He shoots her a smile. They're meant to be seeing a movie. It's some horror film he's never heard of; he isn't a massive fan of horror but Coraline had wanted to see it — it had something to do with her and her father watching horror films together when she was younger, even if they were terrible and laughably cheesy — and had managed to persuade him the night before at the gala, when they were both a little too tipsy and he was trying his best to distract her as Scott's lips dragged over his new girlfriend's neck. He'd glanced up every now and then, just to see if she was watching them. Luckily, she never was. 

"Oh, you're a lifesaver." Loren exhales, like she's been underwater for months and her head has only just poked above the surface. "Both of you." She turns to Marcus and flashes him a bright but exhausted smile. 

"What are best friend's for?" Cora chuckles as Loren pulls away to order her drink. "Drop her off later."

"I'll be by at seven," she announces as she grabs her drink, backing the stroller out of the coffee shop with decidedly more grace than when she'd entered. Patrons part the way for her and she murmurs a 'sorry' at everyone she passes or accidentally whacks with her nappy bag. 

Coraline's eyes linger on the baby for a few moments longer as they leave; her expression flickers, softening, like she's considering something, like she's plagued by conflict. Coraline taps her fingers on the table, perfect pale pink nails rapping a steady beat against the wood. Eventually, her eyebrows furrow and she draws back into herself, like realisation has hit and she's snapped herself back to reality. 

"Are you sure you don't mind? You can find something else to do, you don't have to become a pro bono babysitter with me." She wants him to help her out. She really does. She tries not to let the hopeful glint reach her eyes.

But she feels especially bad because Marcus rarely has days off. It's a rare Sunday when he's in between cases and hasn’t been dragged in on a weekend. And she's dragging him along to look after a baby he's never even met before. 

He shakes his head. "Why would I mind?" He gets to spend time with her. He enjoys her company too much to turn her down.

She shrugs and takes another sip of her drink. He can tell by the way that she scowls that it's gone a little cold. He doesn't know how she drinks it, anyway. There's too much caramel — it was far too sweet — but she seemed to like it and he'd seen her tired self go through three in an hour before. "Changing diapers isn't exactly a thrilling pastime."

"I'm sure I'll live."

Coraline pushes herself to her feet. A breeze ruffles the skirt of her dress, billowing the pale yellow fabric against her knees like it had a mind of its own. She finishes off the last drops of her drink and sighs. "Well, then, we’re going to need some more coffee."

...

Coraline has been rushing around her apartment for most of the day. She isn't sure if she's nervous or if she just has too much caffeine buzzing through her veins. Perhaps it's both. She's not even aware of her surroundings, only that Marcus has been sitting on the couch trying to get her to relax for the past hour and she's fussed meticulously over every square inch of her apartment at least three times. She just needs to keep her hands busy. 

"Cora, she's a baby." He chuckles as Coraline scowls at the magazines on the coffee table. She bends down to straighten them, huffing out an inpatient breath as she does so. "She's not going to care what your apartment looks like."

She ignores him, turning swiftly on her heels to straighten out the woollen throw draping over her couch. "Relax," Marcus insists. He watches her with concern as she pauses, sucks in a shallow breath and turns to slump down against the opposite end of the couch. Her head falls back against the cushions. "What's wrong?"

"It's just-" She doesn't even know what she means to say. She doesn't really have an explanation for it — why she's frantically rushing around her apartment trying to keep her mind off Maisie and the babysitting job she'd found herself — so she doesn't bother offering one. Maybe it's because all she can think about is how much she'd wanted a baby when she was with Scott and how she has no idea what she wants anymore, now that he's gone and she's alone again. Everything's so confusing now; she can barely bring herself to think about it. It just doesn't make sense. Coraline tells Marcus a lot of things (he probably knows more about her than Loren does, and they'd been best friends since they were six) but some things just weren't for sharing. Maybe he already knows. She hopes he does, it would make things much easier, and then she doesn’t have to bite back pointless tears when she eventually tells him. 

Coraline lets out an overly-dramatic sigh and turns her head towards Marcus. He's still watching her, brown eyes softer now. He smiles and she shakes her head to clear away the thoughts. "I'm glad you're here, you know," she admits. Her eyes drag back up to the ceiling. 

"Of course you are. You'd never survive without me." He quips. 

"Oh, sure. How I ever managed to live twenty-eight years without you, I'll never know."

Marcus' eyes crease at the corner as he laughs a little at his joke. "I know you'll be good at this whole baby thing." She lulls her head to the side to watch him; she shuffles against her hip, resting her cheek against the dimpled green couch cushion and watches him as his dark eyes light up. In the time that she's known him, barely even six months, though it seems like far longer, she can only think of a handful of times when she'd seen him without a smile. Even then, most of those were after a long day of paperwork, and she could usually make him smile after a few minutes of prodding at him to tell her what's wrong. 

"I have work early tomorrow." Coraline points out. "This was a bad idea. I should be sleeping."

"Well, you did offer.”

"I know, and it was a terrible idea." She sighs. "Y’know, I think Maisie hates me."

"Maisie is a baby, Cora."

"Babies still have feelings, Marcus."

He chuckles. "She loves you, don't be ridiculous."

His words are punctuated by a knock on the door. It's almost frantic, like whoever's on the other side's intentions are urgent. Coraline groans a little as she stands up; she knows exactly who it is and she drags her feet towards the door, trying her best to push past her concern. She lowers her head to the door's peephole before yanking it open. She has a wide grin on her face when she greets Loren and Maisie. "Good evening." Her voice is lilting, soft and bright and cheerful, like Marcus is used to hearing. It makes him smile, the way she's gone from a worry that seemed to be spreading rapidly through her back to her bright self. He's never seen her so panicked, even around her ex; she's normally so laid back and relaxed. 

Coraline pulls the door open a little further before sweeping Maisie and her stroller inside. Loren murmurs that she's asleep and Cora starts to rock the stroller back and forth, trying her best to keep the baby asleep for as long as she can. It gave her time to regain her scattered composure. Marcus pushes himself up from the armchair he'd been reclined in and sweeps over to take Maisie from Coraline and away from the entryway. 

"Oh-" It startles her a little, when his hands reach out and fingers accidentally brush over her wrist. "Thank you." She smiles at him softly as he backs the stroller out into the living room. 

"Marcus is here?" Loren's eyes light up and a grin pulls at her lips when he falls out of earshot. Her eyebrows raise playfully. 

"Yes."

Her grin only widens. "Are you on a date?"

"No." Coraline scoffs. 

Loren doesn't seem to be giving up and she certainly doesn't believe her. She never does, not usually. She seems to have convinced herself that Cora and Marcus are in love or secretly dating, or both. "This is a date, isn't it?"

"It's not a date, Loren." Cora rolls her eyes but she can't help but smile. She tried to conceal it but she can't stifle the way her corners quirk upwards. It's most definitely not a date — that had ever even crossed her mind — and it's just hilarious how Loren seems to be convinced that her oldest friend is harbouring a secret affection for her best friend. She looks between them both with a glint in her blue eyes, like she knows something they don't and she's just waiting for them to figure it out. Except there’s nothing to figure out. They’re friends. Just friends.

"Whatever you say.” She giggles. Loren smiles back at Marcus, who's stood back by the couch, rocking the stroller back and forth. Coraline follows her gaze and smiles fondly at him; he's not paying attention to them and he doesn't notice the way they're both watching him. 

"We're just friends," Coraline insists again as she turns back to Loren. 

"Sure you are." She smirks. ”I promise I won’t say ‘I told you so’.”

"Just go." Coraline takes her best friend by the shoulders and guides her back out of the door but she can't help the smile that spills onto her lips again. 

"Can I be your maid of honour?"

"Go home and sleep!" 

"Please!"

"I'm shutting the door now, goodbye."

"There are diapers in the bag and she's already been fed," Loren adds hastily as Coraline inched the door shut. "I'll be back in a few hours."

...

Maisie slept for a little while, but now she's wide awake, giggling and trying her best to grab Coraline's curls. The baby sits on Cora's lap, small fingers reaching out towards her insistently. She'd offer her one of the toys Loren had left for her but she only seems interested in them for a few seconds before Coraline's hair tumbles over her shoulder and she grows distracted again. 

She's torn between tying her hair up or just letting Maisie tug on it to her heart's content. But she doesn't; she just lightly whispers no with a shake of her head, a smile and a shake of whatever toy she reaches for first. And it's a never-ending cycle until finally, Maisie decides that hair isn't for her and she prefers the blue teething ring that Coraline reaches for last.

"You really are great with her,” Marcus comments. 

She chuckles, a breathy laugh through her nose. "I'm great with everyone." She pokes her tongue at the corner of her lip and grins. He notices, when she does that, says something about herself being great or that she's good at something, her cheeks flush pink a little. She only means it as a joke, he knows that, but it's almost like it embarrasses her to say or think anything like that. Her eyes betray the way she struggles with it. 

"I have nephews." She shrugs. "I was a great babysitter back in the day."

Maisie makes a gleeful noise, halfway between a squeal and a laugh, and drops the teething ring to the sofa, disinterested. She makes a grab for Coraline's hair again, reaching forward to try and swipe it between her fingers. But Cora's own fingers block her clutches. "No," she whispers quietly with a smile and a chuckle. She pushes her small hand away gently but Maisie delights in it, face illuminating in a grin, and reaches out for Coraline’s curls insistently. 

Marcus reaches down to pick up the toy as Coraline laughs, too distracted to even bother. His arm brushes hers as he does so. She's always struck by how warm he is. The first time she'd noticed it, the day they'd first met, she thought it was because of the sun streaming in through the briefing room’s glass windows. But she’d noticed it every single time he’d touched her since — even just the slightest touch or brush of a hand — until she thinks she’s used to it. She isn’t. His touch warms whatever bare skin it touches immediately and she shudders; Marcus doesn't seem to notice and she's glad because she doesn't want to explain that one fleeting touch from him warms up her entire, otherwise freezing, body.

It's a cliche, she knows that. The kind of cliche you read about in cheesy romance novels. It makes her cheeks burn — Coraline knows she's going bright red; she can feel it crawling slowly over her skin and she shivers like there's a cold breeze dancing it's way up the back of her neck — because she doesn't know what it means. She's never really felt it before she met him, this odd, confusing burn that started in her chest, then blooms out like flowers through her whole body. She usually just brushes it off because it happens whenever and wherever, without warning It just arrives out of the blue, triggered by a glance or a laugh or the briefest touch of a hand. It's ridiculous but she can't help but turn it over and over and over in her mind at night, when she tries to sleep, until she's restless and staring at the wooden beams that stretch across her bedroom ceiling. 

"Do you want kids?" Coraline asks. It’s out of the blue. Her expression almost makes it seem like she wants him to ask her the question, like she's desperate to talk about it with someone, anyone, before it bursts from her chest. Although, he can't help but wonder if she never meant to ask, or if she regrets asking, given the way her eyes fall back to Maisie who's resumed her chewing on the teething ring again. Though, Coraline barely realises she's given anything away. Then again, she doesn't even realise that there is anything to give away. She's so enchanted by the baby and the brush of Marcus' arm against hers that she's giving away maybe a little more than she intends. It's strange to see her like this given her flustered panic of just an hour earlier. 

Marcus takes a moment, a pause to figure out the right answer, then he nods a little. "I would, yes. Some day." He pauses for another second, watching the way her eyes glimmer as she looks at her goddaughter. He already knows her answer before he even asks the question. Or, at least, the real answer. "Do you?"

Coraline's eyes light up; her blue eyes look like the sky on a sunny day. "Maybe," she hums. When she looks up to meet his eyes, the small smile she gives betrays the truth. But she cuts it off like it's wrong or forbidden or downright ridiculous, like she shouldn't feel those things. He notices the way her lips falter like she's biting back the urge to say something, a secret on the tip of her tongue, and how she tugs her lower lip in between her teeth to stop her from smiling again. 

He thinks he knows what makes her so unsure about that. Why she cuts herself off and seems to tell herself it's wrong. She's mentioned it once before, when she was tired — she talks a lot when she's tired, but it's mostly incoherent mumblings that he has to admit, he finds adorable — that Scott didn't want kids. Marcus has never brought up what she’d told him (if she really wants him to know, she'd have told him by now, when she's completely coherent and conscious) but it tugs at the edge of his thoughts as her sentences go quiet when she sees a mother and their baby. They make her smile fondly. It's a smile that's been all-too-lacking since her divorce. 

He understands. It’s happened to him before, twice now. Twice he’s faced heartbreak, that horrible moment when things go sour. When you’re left with a million little ‘what ifs’, wondering where exactly things went so wrong. Wondering if there was anything you could have done, anything at all, to make things better. It’s a dull ache that sits deep in his chest. And it’s agonising. He hates how familiar the feeling has become. 

Marcus has never told her about his past relationships - about his first marriage and eventual divorce, about his last engagement and how it had ended almost as quickly as it had begun, how he’d found himself alone in D.C. without a soul in the world to talk to - and he also hasn’t told her that meeting her was like a fresh start, like the sun had finally peaked through the rain clouds that had hung over his head for so long. She’d helped him settle, finally, even after six months struggling to feel at home in a new, lonely city. She’d welcomed him, helped him find new friends, and stuck by him the entire time. She doesn’t have to be his friend; he’s sure she has much cooler, younger friends that don’t spend most of their days hunched over an ever-growing mountain of paperwork or hidden away inside some tiny downtown art gallery. Sure, he’d be upset if their weekly meetings came to a halt, but he wouldn’t blame her if she chose someone more like herself over him.

Mostly, Marcus just hadn't wanted to dredge up old feelings, not when she was in the thick of a divorce and clearly struggling, no matter how much she pretended she was okay. So he never told her what had happened. When she'd confided in him for the first time those few short months ago, spilling her deepest secrets, staying up until 3am just pouring her heart out to him over the phone, he'd wondered if it was best to tell her. To let her know that he knew how she felt, that he understood. But he still hasn't. She’s asked about his past before, nagging until he relented and revealed things he's never really had much trouble revealing before, and he has told her parts of it. But he usually skirts around the details, like there's nothing important to reveal. He isn't sure why he does it, especially when she opens up to him so easily. He guesses that the moment has never seemed right. 

Maisie's hand is twisted into the fabric of Coraline's dress. She shakes the teething ring in her hands like it's a rattle. "I've never had the chance," she admits, suddenly. "To have kids."

"You've still got time."

"Barely." She sighs. He raises an eyebrow, like he's asking her what she means, but she doesn't continue. She waves a hand and brushes off his concern. "It's not important," she insists. 

But it is important. He knows it is. And, if it matters to her, it matters to him.

[spacemamaa]

hi ate jaleen! i totally agree with everything you said esp the part abt the yt readers. i find it interesting how a lot of ppl have their own understandings abt TFs and i've seen a lot of them talk abt "physical sensations" like you did. i'd wondered myself if the guy i've dealt with in the past was actually a TF. tbh i never experienced the physical sensations you've mentioned but i did very much feel a weird sense of familiarity with him and never in my entire life as an introvert had i ever been that comfortable just being myself with someone as i was immediately with him. other than that, my heart and stomach would hurt so bad whenever i feel anxious abt anything that has to do with him.

i only started learning about spirituality and the term TF after we had a falling-out. we first met at uni when we shared the same class. we didn't have an instant connection bc at the time i was into someone else and we were just group mates for our lab activities so we didn't rlly talk much. it was only after abt a year or so when we shared another few classes (for the 3rd time) that we became friends. i used to hate myself a lot and suffered from anxiety and depression to the point that i would physically hurt myself. he was the first person who taught me how to love myself and introduced me to LOA and all that. basically, he was like the catalyst to my healing journey which only began after we had our first falling-out. it's unbelievable how one night i was just bawling my eyes out and begging for everything to stop hurting—i was so desperate for a change bc i was beyond exhausted from a lot of things + i couldn't bear the physical symptoms i felt when we weren't okay. and then, as if a switch had been flipped, i became a totally, inexpicably, different person just from reading a few lines from a self-help book i discovered that taught abt spirituality. a couple of weeks later, him and i were back to being friends. i decided to stay for a while (even when it hurt) bc i knew he needed someone who understood him but i promised myself that i would leave the second i was certain he didn't need me anymore. my journey to self-love continued, however, it did slow down. when he hurt me again for the last time i could endure, i finally cut him off. i knew we both needed to work on ourselves alone, esp him. he could act like a total dick sometimes lmao but, in the end, he owned up to his crap and understood why i had to go. we genuinely wanted the best for each other.

i honestly stopped caring abt labels a long time ago. i don't think labeling our connection will change how much i already love him unconditionally and beyond i should be allowed to and i know he loves(/d) me too (maybe just not in the same way tho he did tell me he was into me). everything you said abt the signs to look out for resonated with me (except for the physical sensations you mentioned)—the telepathy thing, mirroring, repeating numbers, runner and chaser dynamic (for a short period of time) and all that were there. it wasn't until we had a falling-out for the second time that i was able to focus on myself without any distraction. i'm embracing and becoming more and more of my true self each day and i've faced my childhood traumas/demons/issues and have even learned to forgive myself and others. it's incredible how it's like i transformed into a completely different person from who i was before meeting him and yet somehow i wonder maybe it's all just a coincidence? maybe the reason why i'm getting synchronicities is bc i started attracting them when i became aware of them? i certainly doubt i'd be who i am today if i hadn't met him and i'm curious to know whether a "karmic" partner can trigger spiritual awakening too. despite the ridiculous amt of love i still have for him, i don't exactly like him—at least not the person i left—and i love myself more. i low-key don't like the idea of him being my TF but at the same time if i actually have one and were to meet one in this lifetime, i hope it's already him bc ain't no way i'm going through that much hell again lmao i only want the very best for me bc i know i deserve the world the same way everyone does.

anw thank you sm for answering my prev ask and if you've read all of that!!! 😂 you're one of the few ppl whose opinions i genuinely respect a lot and enjoy listening to. i rlly admire your hard work and i hope you keep doing what you love doing! 🤍🤍🤍

((i'm currently broke so i can only watch your ads on yt as much as i can in return (at least for now) i hope that's okay. 😭😭😭))

Aww!! Thank you so much for supporting me. it is definitely not necessary for you to purchase a reading to support me. Either way I appreciate you for tuning in and even asking these questions. 🤧💘

I forgot say that there are fake TFs, too! Idk if it’s a test run or something, but it definitely is a thing from my experience, so I have become wary of labeling my experiences as such! That’s why I tell people not to get sucked into these things or to obsess.

I wish you luck on your journey and your person. :3 No matter what, it’s a fulfilling experience that is absolutely necessary for growth. ✨

[struwwelzeter]

So I read your reply to Nyarisu's comment on Lionheart and I'm really intrigued by your comments about how people understand punk compared to what it was initially. Could I possibly ask you to expand on this? Pretty please?

Yes you could! This is a very (very?) personal point of view and I know a lot of people will disagree, but here goes nothing, I guess. If you disagree with me (and somebody will), that’s fine, but I will not engage with anything that’s not a constructively put argument. I’ve spend too much time thinking about this for a “I don’t like what you’re saying and that’s why you’re wrong” anon to change my mind. Just putting that out there - with love 💜.

The thing is, especially on tumblr but I think just in generally aswell, the idea of punk is presented as this ... Robin Hood kind of thing. Beat the system, stand up to bullies, live your own truth, all of that, but it always is presented as something that is supposed to come from a ... dare I say, nice place? Like those pictures of people in studded and sprayed leather jackets rescuing puppies. All of that, you know? And I don’t want to say that is wrong, because it isn’t, and I love the idea of that, it’s just not the entire truth.

Especially in the early to mid 70s, when arguably punk started, there was a lot of fatigue between an old and stuffy establishment and the lovey, dovey peace and love “let’s all be happy” movement of the hippie scene. I was at Force Attack in 2006, which is a punk festival (and possibly dirtiest place in the world) that got established in the early 90s and went on til 2008 (?), and even then some of the “death to hippies” sentiments ran pretty deep. And I know the counter argument to that will be a well meaning “well, that’s not real punk,” the problem is that I think it actually partly is. (Please keep the partly in mind for the rest of this argument.)

The problem with having the exact choice between “get a good job, built a nice house, think of what the neighbours will say, and don’t ask me about what I did in the war” and “we’re all a big part of one human family, and isn’t nature beautiful, lets all make peace, and btw we would have never done what our parents did” is that both models aren’t a sustainable life style for everyone. That’s why you get alot of people saying this is all fake bullshit, and they start being purposely offensive. This is why you get alot of Swastikas around the sex pistols, you get all these artists singing about suicide and incest and rape. It’s not that uncommon for some of those early acts to play with Nazi imagery, or claim that homosexuality is disgusting (despite the scene always being full of LGBTQ+ people), or idk, thinking it’s fun to piss on someone while they’re asleep. It’s alot of outcry, of saying life actually is this shitty and disgusting and I am gonna be that because in a way you will hate me either way. And it’s not always nice. Disdain and hate and petty selfishness are common human emotions and many of them are low and unhealthy, and honestly not nice or helpful or inclusive, but they are there, and I think alot of that early spirit was just about stopping to pretend that they don’t exist.

I think a reason for why we don’t think of the scene that way anymore is that many people very quickly outgrew that, and said “actually, we’re better than that, that’s not who we actually are. I sadly can’t find that interview right now, but Die Ärzte are actually a good exemple of that and they even admit it themselves, that there was a sense of “enough with the happy hippie bullshit, let’s disgust them” and then later going “uhmm - maybe that went a bit far.” I mean offensive or not, but ultimately a scene that is centered around artistic expression always ends with that question of creation, maybe like “if the world isn’t like what we want it to be, how do we make one we like?” - and then you end up with having to come up with answers that are more than just destruction. And then it turns into something else - something that I think is alot more like what tumblr seems to think punk is. And that’s a wonderful thing. Still - a side of punk, whatever that is, has always been what people like GG Allin (please read the wiki for context) have taken and pushed to the limits, and it just - isn’t nice. And here is where things get a bit tricky.

Because against that backdrop, things like John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) suddenly being a dirty old Trump supporter aren’t that surprising anymore. And then you get these 20 year olds “cancelling” the Sex Pistols, and I think there is just a bit of ... missing the point going on. I’ve read a comment on here recently, that basically said something like Richard should stop supporting the Sex Pistols (because he has that album in the back of the studio), and it’s just ... asking for a history to be erased that has rightfully been made obsolete but has still happened and was necessary at the time. You can take any of these early bands and pick their lyrics apart and find something that from our perspective now is disgusting, mean, exclusive, or outright racist. Songs about Fucking? Part of that record is a mysogynisy shitshow, something they were very aware of even at the time, and they still did it anyway because being disgusting was part of the point. The thing is though, the Sex Pistols were hugely influential, and alot of the positive things that grew out of that wouldn’t have been possible if kids like young Richard, or any of the bands you love that were influenced by them, wouldn’t have gotten that moment of “finally a place where I can put all of my petty hate”. It matters, and just because that moment is overcome, it doesn’t mean it should be forgotten, or stops existing in the people that lived through it.

I understand that the question of how much we should justify things with “it was the time” and how we deal with the result is an ever ongoing debate and their are many good arguments for why maybe we shouldn’t try to defend the wrongs of the past that way, and I want to point out that while I rarely agree on that in the first place (because I understand history as a natural learning curve where people aren’t perfect at the first try and it’s doing a disservice to humans just doing their best, but I digress and that’s a bit of another duscussion), I want to point out that I don’t want to defend anyone, rather I want to say “actually, being that horrible was often calculated, part of the point, and if you don’t like it, just leave it, fight it or debate it, but don’t pretend like it was a “missstep” or just a few black sheep of a scene that was never as nice or perfect as you want it to be.” You don’t get to erase half of a movement simply because you wish it wouldn’t exist the way it does - or well. I guess in this case mostly did - past tense.

The ugliness is part of the story to me, and it’s actually the bigger part of why I love this scene. I don’t need “punk” to define my politics, I need it to soothe my soul, and so did many, I think. The Sex Pistols breaking happened 20 years before my time, but I still feel connected to that world, and in particular the ugly parts of it. I often feel like I look at the world, and there are people that seem honestly shocked by the idea that maybe sometimes I find doing the right thing really hard, that I want petty, self serving revenge, that I don’t find it easy to not be selfish and unkind or sometimes want to hurt people because I am hurting myself and see an opportunity to do that. Obviously those aren’t nice things and I don’t want to be that way, but are you honestly telling me you don’t feel that? I find that hard to believe, and it leaves me with an ongoing question of if I am just worse than most people or if most people are just more fake. Both scenarios are equally shit. The ugly side of punk provides - not an answer to that - but maybe a partial solution, at least for me.

Another discussion we have all the time is about how what we consume or allow in artistic expression is influencing how we act as people in real life and how we want the world to be. Where do we draw the line? What is still ok? If I put me entertaining ideas about murder on a canvas, is that still good? what if it’s racism? What if it’s rape? We argue alot about how providing a safe space in art for those feelings is actually preventing us from acting on it in real life, how it’s an outlet of something we would never actually want or do, but then where is the limit to that? I am putting this intentionally controversial, but if we admit that most of us grow up with internalized racism and mysogyny, by that logic, why can’t I paint something that is blatantly hateful if I have those feelings? Maybe that is my way of fighting it, you don’t have to look at it? Not saying that’s what I am doing or would want to do, but what if? For some people Rammstein singing about not wanting to be Angels is crossing that line, for some of us that line is drawn alot later. Who is right? Isn’t that just personal sensitivity? Can you honestly rationalise that? Isn’t it just processing our different levels of petty hate in different ways? I don’t have the answers to any of that, it’s just questions I often have and that I think have to do with this, because alot of the nasty bits in punk will justify it exactly that way, as artistic expression. Alot of it isn’t as political as this scene is made out to be, it’s simply asking those things. I personally relate to that alot, as someone who arguably would draw the line of “we should stop doing this” in art very, very, very late - and certainly later than my own personal comfort zone.

I’m not sure if any of this makes any sense at all. I hope it does - and if it doesn’t it’s probably because I don’t know either, or because I don’t want to fully blow this up into an essay (sorry, too late?) or because I suck at making a point, or maybe because we simply disagree. All I know is that I sometimes see these posts of “what is punk and what isn’t” and it leaves me with this taste of “you’re describing a utopia and it’s cute and I want that too, but it’s not everything punk as I know it is, and it feels like you don’t want to see something that mattered too - even if it was brutal and disgusting.” And everytime I see it I feel alien, like something that mattered to me so much as a teenager and young adult gets taken away from me and made into something so sleek and pretty it becomes something unattainable to be that I simply don’t manage to live up to in the way I would like. I guess that is a petty, selfish way of looking at it too.

«It's a repressive society where you can't be horrible, I'm not horrible, they made me horrible, I'm just honest.»

- John Lydon

[mysecondcarisa67chevyimpala]

Exactly!!!! They 100% act like they're self righteous but like hello??? There's like a bunch of people who would also literally die for them and they're just like "oh cool!! It's whatever- they can die cause it won't be us right? And let's not bring them back but holy shit Sam died guess we gotta destroy the world to bring him back" - friend nonnie. (I'm in complete belief that Case deserved better. Cause the inches years are stupid and he does everything for them)

I love Cas so much and I have this conversation with my little brother a lot, as much as I love this show and will until I die, the writers only care about Sam and Dean and they only care about each other (since you said current watch I’m assuming you have seen farther than six if not sorry I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone!) Ash, Ellen, and Jo: ash died in the fire and jo was hunting and Ellen was out at the store okay so we got to “fake deaths” idk what to call them we learn they aren’t dead but ash is dead and no one ever says anything! Until they need him in heaven and while they are there they talk to Pamela which we never hear about after she dies and then she’s gone, then when Ellen and jo die we never hear about them again until the titanic episode with Balthazar (and maybe some other visions or something I think?) and then they are gone again. I was gutted when Charlie died as a queer female I loved her she was a very relatable loved character and she died in a bathtub, after running from people on her own she died when she’s needed to die for them, Dean blanes himself but then the show moved on and it’s like she never mattered again. Bella: I loved her actually she was a very honest character she deserved to have her parents killed (like really they were gross) and she decided to make the best of what she got and then because she was a little girl and tried to fix it, she made a deal then she tried to compromise to save herself and Dean let he die. Dean also killed the mom (I can’t remember her name she was a monster and when her son got sick she fed her kid fresher stuff but then Dean killed her because she was a monster) but said he wouldn’t and that had no consequences he killed someone because they “might do something again”, then the whole thing with Jesse! He decided to disappear and now that Lucifer is dead he doesn’t have powers and now he’s alone in Australia (unless he talked to his parents but how does he explain getting there or what happened all those years!) they don’t care. Bobby is one of my favorite characters he’s a father figure to me and no one cares about him. There’s an episode on it where he tries to eat something (pie maybe? Or cobbler idk) from his neighbor and he can’t because everyone is asking for something from him and it’s like very relatable that everyone wants something from you without giving something or even checking in without needing something (which is why I loved the poker game aging episode because we see Dean and Bobby talking bitch that was the only time I really remember someone talking to him without it being hunting related. Another thing is when Bobby died and Garth tried to help people Dean yelled at him to stop being Bobby and said that other people knew Bobby too (or something similar to the extent of other people needed Bobby not just you) and I sorta was like man I hope Dean had realized that before hand but idk if he did.

All of the angels got fucked over: Samandriel, Castiel was brainwashed and he wasn’t helping after the artifact was sold, Gadreel, sacrificed because his ark to help Dean was done which sucked because he just wanted to prove himself, Balthazar, man I like him and I was sad he died just like personally sad he wasn’t just a helper and was a very dynamic and loud character and I feel like he got shot down because they couldn’t use him, Castiel, he was introduced and was supposed to “fly away” and leave but then they kept misha around had the whole ark with the Claire getting possessed by him and then jimmys whole thing and then they realized they made him too powerful because they thought it was a little time ark and then had to nuke him because he could have just fixed everything, Gabriel, where do I even start with him I love him so much, as a person with an older brother (and older cousins who acted like siblings due to how we grew up) I was always picked on my cousin is two or three years older than me but acts like she’s amazing at everything (even though she didn’t graduate) and was used to hearing everyone argue all the time to each other, about other stuff, about family stuff, literally anything. So I really related to Gabriel and I was so sad when he had everything happen to him like I can’t even go into it right now because I’ll be sad, Michael, Michael really does reflect Dean, self righteous and feeling the need to do everything (they found a way to put Lucifer in the cage and he said he needs to fight him because god said if that’s not Dean Sam and john idk what is) and honestly I felt for him and I wished we got more of him, and I know no one wants this but Lucifer, I love how he plays by his rules and doesn’t let anyone tell him that’s wrong or anything, so the opposite of Dean and sorta like Sam (with the demon blood being the exact opposite of what he was told to do by Dean and he did it anyway) and I feel like if the show worried more about better character than only on Sam and Dean it would have been better.

Idk I love the show but sometimes I’m like that’s out of character for them (like Adam wasn’t even a thought for them ever they forgot until the fucking play) and then I’m just like I don’t know what they change so much to fit the episode and I’m just tired of getting sad every time someone dies and happy (then sad) when ever someone that I love *might* come back, then probably die again but whatever l. I could write more but idk I have more characters that deserved better but whatever.

[peregrintook]

10, 18, 21, 22, 28, 41, 44, 65, 98, 99, 107, 114, 118, 119, 131, 148, 150, 157, 194, 201, 212, 215, 216 ( I'm sorry if they're a lot but I like them very much)

OHMYGOD greddie this is your revenge isn’t it

Okay here we go

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

My bf and me use the word “beste”. It’s german and means “best”, but we use it without any articles or anything. We just look at something or indicate what we mean and then say “Beste.” Which is a bit weird, I guess, but it happened once and now we can’t stop. We use it for things, but also food, or actions. XD

In english I think I tend to overuse the word “awesome” sometimes.

18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? 

When I feel REALLY down, I usually watch LotR. I pretty much know it by heart by now so it’s really calming for me to watch, plus I just adore this world and its characters.

Very often I also turn toward the HP movies (to everybody’s great surprise, I’m sure), or Pacific Rim, or Pride and Prejudice... I have a ton of comfort movies.

21: What am I most afraid of?

Deep, philosophical answer: meaninglessness. I want to matter. I want to make an impact, I want to be remembered, I want to be needed, I want to BE. The idea of a meaningless life followed by an equally meaningless death scares the hell out of me.

Less deep and philosophical answer: dentists and spiders?

Putting this under a cut because it’s getting super long!

22: A good quality of mine?

I’m a good listener and I’m honest. So if you ever need honest opinions/advice on/for a situation your in.. i’m ur girl.

28: Something I miss?

Something or someone? SomeTHING I miss is my old home. I miss the house, the garden, I miss sitting on the roof, I miss walking out the door and being right in the middle of nowhere. I miss that so, so, SO much.

41: Do I have any strange phobias?

Dentists? That’s not strange, is it? My strange one is balloons. I can’t stand them. I go out of my way to avoid them. Helium filled balloons are fine, mostly, and hotairballoons are fine too. But the normal, like, kid-party balloons? I hate them, stay away from me.

44: Last book I read?

I’m currently reading “Norse Mythology” by Neil Gaiman and I’m enjoying it a LOT! Before that I read Shakespeare’s “Richard II” and absolutely loved it.

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

Hmm. I want to say Middle-earth, but I think, given the choice, I’d rather be a witch in the HP universe? But then again, ROHAN. Or maybe a captain in the aerial corpse of the Temeraire universe? I DON’T KNOW. ALL OF THEM. ;--;

98: 3 things I love?

- the feeling when i’m becoming obsessed with something new 

- when summer is over and it’s finally cold enough to wear a sweater

- meeting someone new and realizing you’re extremely similar and share so many thoughts and interests

99: 3 things I hate?

- Passive aggression, especially when it’s hidden behind fake concern. That’s extremely specific I know, but it’s something that drove me up the wall a few days ago. 

- Lies. Cliche, but, honestly? Don’t fucking lie. What’s the point. Oh, that also includes, cheating, betrayal, etc, any kind of dishonesty.

- People who treat their animals badly. Ignorance isn’t an excuse. Read up on proper animal care before you get a pet. Seriously, it’s not that hard, you have the entire internet at your disposal!

107: Guilty pleasure?

I don’t think I have guilty pleasures anymore. I used to be ashamed of liking a bunch of things, but I’ve realized that it’s my business and my business only what I like and dislike. I guess a while ago I would have said Bollywood? But it’s not a guilty pleasure, it’s just a pleasure! Bollywood movies are awesome!

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

Norway. I want to go hiking or camping there, or both. It looks so beautiful on images I’ve seen, and I’m so interested in its history and mythology.

118: Do I like space?

I LOVE SPACE. Kid-me was obsessed with space. I had and still have a bunch of books on various space related topics.

119: Do I like the deep ocean? 

HELL YES. Not as many books on that front, not in my possession anyway, but I’d love to read more about it. It’s so amazing to me that we’re still exploring and finding out new things about all the stuff that’s going on down there. It’s mysterious, and I live for mystery. (Same with space, obviously)

131: Am I a good liar?

Hahah. I’m the WORST liar. I hate lying, so I always avoid it. I blush and laugh. I can hold eyecontact but it’s still obvious. I’m just. The worst liar. And frankly I’m happy with that!

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real?

Temeraire. My beloved imperial social justice warrior dragon Temeraire. I love him so so so much. SO much.

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

Let’s face it, I have not made any good decisions so far. Jk, idk, maybe breaking up with my ex boyfriend, and moving in with my current one? Because that old relationship was SO not a happy one, but this one is so awesome. I have all the freedom I could ask for, but at the same time all the emotional support and love I could ask for as well.

Another good decision I’m really glad I made was reaching out to my brother a few years ago because I hated that we almost never talked to each other outside of family meetings/family issues. That has changed since then!

157: What makes me nostalgic?

Looking at pictures of the place where I used to live. I miss the castle, and I miss the park, and I miss the old christmas market.

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be?

I’m not sure I want to think about that. I don’t think I could choose my last words right now, since I don’t know what I’ll be and what I’ll know when I die. If I was dying right now, my last words would probably be “No, this can’t be it, there’s still so much I want to do!”

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

I had a terrifying nightmare when I was a kid.

I was running down the hall in our old house, knocking open the door to my dad’s office and running inside at full speed, not noticing that there was a trap on the floor. I ran right into it. It was a magical trap, and it didn’t hurt me, but it pulled me down to the floor so I was lying down with my arms outstretched like I’d been crucified, and I couldn’t move. My parents and brother and I think my grandma were all there, just looking down at me with really sad eyes. Then they picked up my teacup and drew a black X on it, which, in that dream, meant that the person who the cup belonged to, had died. But I wasn’t dead, I was just lying on the floor, right there! I remember pleading with them to just help me up, help me get out of that trap, but they didn’t move.

It was scary as all hell.

212: Was I named after anyone?

I was! My mum named me after her favorite aunt, Christine, who, sadly, died before I ever had a chance to meet her.

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? 

I don’t think I have weird talents. I’m not sure I have talents at all. I just put a lot of work and energy into the things I’m good at now?

216: Favourite fictional character?

Greddie. Why. Why would you do this to me. You KNOW I can not decide.

I’ll name my favorite faves, is that alright?

Eowyn, Boromir, Harry Potter, the Weasley Twins, The Fool/Beloved, Temeraire, Loki, Sam Winchester.

That’s FAR from everyone, but I tried. It’s a bunch of the ones who are extremely important to me!

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Hey Rio: Sorry for dashing like I saw a bill earlier Rio: Stupid drama called Buster: Whatever Buster: Can't be hanging with you all day anyway Buster: Got my own shit to do Rio: 'Course Rio: Just in case you thought anything real mad was going down, like Rio: I'm good Buster: Looked like you were determined to handle it, babe Rio: Needs must, you know Rio: won't bore you with a long story Buster: Yeah Buster: Long story or boring story? Rio: Ha, both Rio: Out here trying to change the narrative but Buster: If he's still being a cunt you can tell me Buster: I'll sort it easy Rio: Oh no Rio: That's already the issue lowkey Rio: one of my lovelier exes been giving him grief Rio: how that's my problem now is a little beyond me but that's the joys init Buster: Well I'll sort him then Buster: Who is it? Rio: Don't think you ever had the pleasure Rio: Timelines didn't cross, I guess Rio: I can handle it, all good Buster: I can have it now, no greater pleasure than knocking him out, like Buster: So can I Rio: Yeah, know you love a scrap, McKenna Rio: Not a big deal, he's just a twat, like all my exes, yeah? Buster: You said it Rio: 😂 Rio: Exes for a reason, babe Rio: doing something wrong if you've got loads of good ones Buster: Doing something wrong if you've got any, I reckon Buster: You girls always gotta label shit Rio: Nah Rio: just a timescale thing, init Rio: don't blame us if you can't sustain shit Buster: I blame them that they don't make me wanna Buster: Ain't my fault if they're only worth the night Buster: I'm always bringing my best Rio: Oh, babe Rio: Now I'm feeling bad for you Rio: how'd you manage that Buster: Shut up Rio: What Rio: I'm serious Buster: Distract yourself from your own drama however you want but leave me out Buster: I'm not looking for a pity party Rio: Not throwing one Buster: Don't say shit like that to me then Buster: I'm all good Rio: Alright, alright Rio: I'm just questioning what they're bringing if you're really that uninterested, that's all Buster: Trying to scope out the competition, is it Buster: Makes sense Rio: Please 🙄 Buster: I would've, but you left Buster: Gotta please yourself now, babe Rio: You're lucky I left when I did Rio: only so many casualties a girl can cause in a day Rio: well, it's sorted now so Buster: Like I'm scared of any of your exes Buster: Don't be stupid Rio: Not what I meant actually, so calm down the 💪 Rio: don't know how much more your 💔 could stand, babe Buster: You reckon you can hurt me? Buster: Don't make me laugh Rio: Easy Buster: Try me Rio: Some other time Rio: so busy rn, yeah boy? Buster: About as busy as you are scared, yeah Rio: Why lie about having your own shit then, babe? Rio: Was I meant to be gutted, awh Buster: I ain't Buster: I'm well busy and you're well scared Rio: Ha Rio: No Buster: Which part is hard to believe? Buster: 'Cause trust me Rio: I'm sure, McKenna Rio: so, what boring delights await you tonight then? Buster: She's here now if you wanna say hi Rio: You're alright Rio: had a day of letting my own down gently, never mind dealing with yours for you Buster: I wasn't asking Buster: I can handle my own Buster: She's enjoying that you've got jokes, is all Buster: Agrees that you're shit scared like Rio: Now I know she ain't real, like 😂 Buster: [sends selfie with girl] Buster: there's some fakeness on her for sure, but I ain't mad Rio: Eurgh, put it away Rio: Honestly Buster: What are you doing tonight then? Buster: Wow me Rio: Night's still young over here Rio: even if you in bed Rio: see where it takes me Buster: Please, I'm not a fucking amateur Buster: Got a whole house to play with Rio: Then hadn't you better get back to it? Buster: Probably Rio: Charming as ever Buster: No complaints yet Buster: Come over and join us if you're still close by Buster: See for yourself Rio: Hmm, think we'd both be passing if she knew we were cousins, like Rio: Save you explaining that one Buster: Not gonna tell her, am I Buster: She's not here to talk Rio: Just you, like Buster: 😂 Buster: You started it, babe Buster: I'm just being a hero how you like, making sure you're okay Rio: You on something good if you cocky enough to reckon you know how I like it, babe Rio: I'm all good, that's been said Buster: You're full of shit if you reckon I don't Rio: It's all just playin' Buster: Don't have to be Rio: True Rio: Shame you got other plans then, ain't it Buster: Make me a better offer Rio: Me, bitch Rio: I am the better offer and you know it Buster: Tell me where I can find you and we'll see Rio: Finish what you started Rio: Damn, so spoilt rich boy Buster: Finish what you started Rio: Touche Rio: though, don't think we can put it all on me Buster: I think you'll want it all when it comes down to it though, babe Rio: Just think? Rio: Unusual for you Buster: Trying not to scare you off again like Buster: Lot to handle, you know Rio: Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you that wasn't about you Buster: When you believe it, maybe I will Buster: Or you can just tell me what it was about and I'll shut up Rio: Tempting Rio: you are fucking infuriating Rio: I told you, ex drama Rio: didn't know you wanted the juicy details Buster: What the fuck's so special about him? Buster: You don't get rattled that way Rio: He ain't Rio: it's Rio: he's just a bit mental Buster: Has he hurt you? Buster: Seriously Rio: What? Nah Rio: He ain't here, back in the 24 ain't he Buster: Tell me what his fucking deal is, Rio. I'm not playing now Rio: Everything always sounds more dramatic when you try and explain Rio: It's sorted Buster: Not by me Buster: Just tell me Rio: Wouldn't know where to begin, babe Rio: was ages ago, he just gets mouthy sometimes when he's on one Rio: awkward when he comes at my next ex instead of me, like, that's all Buster: Not anymore he won't be. I'll shut him up for you Rio: Don't Rio: Seriously, it'll make everything worse Buster: Do you still love him or what? Rio: Fuck no Rio: just trust me, you don't want the aggro Buster: Like I said, give a shit Buster: Just tell me what you mean, worse than what, babe Rio: I don't know he just Rio: he's always there, whatever he's saying Rio: though we broke up nearly a year ago Buster: So he's a fucking stalker, yeah? Rio: Well, I don't know if we'd go that hard Buster: Rio Buster: Come on Rio: What? I don't wanna be dramatic about it Buster: Why the fuck not? Buster: He is Buster: And if I'm gonna kill the cunt I wanna know what for Rio: You aren't, let's get that straight Rio: it's not like he's a creepy stranger in the bushes, or whatever Rio: I did go out with him Rio: he just Rio: ain't moving on, idk Buster: A year ago Buster: And it ain't me you're scared of, is it? Rio: No Buster: So I'm just gonna scare him too, yeah Buster: And you're not gonna stop me Rio: No, Buster Rio: Please Buster: I can make this better for you, okay Buster: Just let me Rio: Or worse, like Rio: and for yourself Rio: it ain't like I don't appreciate the offer, or that I don't wish you could but Buster: You can trust me Buster: I ain't that stupid Buster: I'm not just gonna walk up to him on a busy street, like Rio: It ain't like you can kill him Rio: he'll just go back to it, trust me Buster: Not if I break both his hands Buster: Can't text you then, can he Rio: Be serious Buster: I am Rio: Alright, start thinking clearer then Rio: this is why I didn't want to tell you, there's nothing you can do Buster: There's always something Buster: What's his price for leaving you alone? We can find out Rio: That's silly Rio: how are you enforcing that Rio: can't force a guarantee from a scumbag, like Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: I know Rio: Forget about it though Buster: No Buster: But I'll have better ideas Rio: Alright, by the time we've vetoed all those, he'll probably be bored Buster: Fuck off Rio: Done Buster: Too easy, babe Buster: Give me a challenge Rio: That wasn't enough of one, like Buster: Nah Rio: Damn Rio: like punishment that much I know some people you could pay Buster: 😂 Buster: Bet you do Rio: Duh Rio: your neck of the woods is prime location for punters Rio: pass on your deets Rio: even be favourable, like, welcome Buster: That why you're still here, yeah? Rio: To get you hooked up with someone you wanna 'round 2 Rio: or to punish posh boys Rio: both works for me, like Buster: You could've already got option 1 done if you hadn't done a vanishing act instead Buster: Think on next time Rio: Buster Buster: Yeah? Rio: How drunk are you right now? Buster: I ain't even, babe Buster: Good to go, honest Rio: Hmm okay then Buster: Do you wanna get a drink? We can Rio: You bringing your friend or planning to let her have free run of your gaff? Buster: If you want me to tell her to go then she's gone Rio: Nah, you don't need to Rio: just let me know when you're out, yeah? Buster: 'Course

[womanaction]

btvs/ats/community (hope i'm not doing too much lol) for the fandom meme

are you kidding me anon i live for this!!! thank you!

buffy

the character i least understand: like...anya probably? from a storytelling standpoint i don’t think the writers really agreed on what to do with her and from a relating standpoint she’s 1000+ years old and a former-then-again demon. they just didn’t really go into her character enough for me to say i understand her, and i think it’s easy to write her on a shallow level.

interactions i enjoyed the most: the easy thing to say is probably my ships right, and it is true that spike/buffy is my otp maybe mostly because i’m endlessly fascinated by their dynamics, but i also really love the og scoobies hanging out and especially the willow/xander friendship. beyond that i also loved tara&dawn and spike&dawn. and buffy&cordy, which i do ship but i brotp it more than otp most days. either way is good though.

the character who scares me the most: willow bc of below answer

the character who is mostly like me: willow. definitely willow. i’ve thought about making a photoset w characters i id w the most and she’d be dead center. i sometimes can’t even enjoy her character, especially at cringey moments, because of that, and i recognize that her worst qualities are some of mine too. i don’t think i’d try to destroy the world but thankfully i shouldn’t ever have the opportunity.

hottest looks character: faith? i totally change my answer every time bc i’m a cheating bisexual (this is the one scenario where that stereotype is correct)

one thing i dislike about my fave character: i’m going to use buffy as my fave here bc i’ll talk about cordy below. (i like to think about myself as having 3 types of faves in each fandom: the fave to watch, the one i id with, and the one i’d die for. buffy’s the latter.) writing-wise i dislike how we lose a lot of access to buffy’s inner mind. person-wise i guess her black-and-white thinking? it’s pretty necessary to her work and it’s obviously not as bad as like...riley’s but i think it’s detrimental to her in that she doesn’t seek out the help she needs. she wants to be all-slayer or all-buffy, she wants things to be all bad or all good.

one thing i like about my hated character: i guess my hated character is riley bc using a villain seems cheatish (i thought saying warren, and he makes star wars references). i actually have a lot in common with riley, which i’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but i really like how he tried to be involved with buffy’s family? like obviously later in s5 that turned into him acting weird and entitled about it but at the beginning when he’s trying to befriend dawn and such is sweet and good. 

a quote or scene that haunts me: ummm all of them tbh. but to pick a random one i think a lot about the scene of buffy just staring at the water coming out of the faucet. also another water-related one, when i watch the body i’m always struck by the weird water purifier/cooler thing you see in their kitchen bc we had that exact same one in the house i lived in before my father passed away. getting personal i guess but the first time i watched it that floored me.

a death that left me indifferent: all of them affected me a lot i feel but jonathan’s definitely had less impact than i feel like it should given he’d been on the show for like 5 seasons by that point. and i like him as a character! i guess it got really subsumed into andrew’s character arc which kinda sucked, and it was played up more as a villain moment.

a character i wish died but didn’t: none of them i love my kids

my ship that never sailed: faith/buffy!!!! why...

angel

the character i least understand: maybe lorne? again like with the anya thing this is a character with a potentially fascinating backstory and a very unique perspective and we get just a little taste of it. love him though

interactions i enjoyed the most: i really loved the whole gang’s interactions tbh but wesley&gunn’s friendship deserves a special shout out. also doyle and angel did so much with that bond in so few episodes. and i also really liked lindsay’s interactions with angel for some reason, idk. maybe because he brings out angel’s petty side.

the character who scares me the most: probably angel, right? not angelus but when angel himself teeters into Badness territory. i’m both scared of him and scared for him.

the character who is mostly like me: either fred or angel. i get compared to fred a lot irl and online from people who’ve seen it mostly bc i have the same vague face concept as amy acker and also a southern accent, and i am in stem and whatever but i never felt like there was a lot there for me to latch onto. imo fred was a major missed opportunity too, they didn’t flesh her out nearly as much as they could have. anyway they’re both kinda awkward and introverted and same.

hottest looks character: uhhh it’s cheating to say faith here again i guess but i’m doing it anyway.

one thing i dislike about my fave character: so i love cordy to death (obviously) i loved her almost immediately on buffy and only managed to love her even more but obviously she is very self-centered and could be a better friend sometimes...i guess...and i’m not gonna mention the travesty of her writing in s4.

one thing i like about my hated character: i guess that’s gonna be wesley? who i don’t hate at all i just felt like everything started getting drawn into the Orbit of his Manpain in the later seasons BUT i love dorky!wes to death. like “rogue demon hunter” wes. that’s the wes for me.

a quote or scene that haunts me: like not to be obvious but the “nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do” MURDERS me every time like i honestly find so much meaning in that. but i also think about cordy accepting the demon at the end of “birthday” and almost cry every time she’s just so brave and strong and willing to be better and i’m upset.

a death that left me indifferent: wes again? i’m sorry y’all are gonna murder me. it’s not that it left me indifferent but after cordy and fred died...and not long after lilah either and lorne is over here shooting lindsay...i didn’t have many emotions left sorry 

a character i wish died but didn’t: uhmmm none of them honestly except if s4 was a character

my ship that never sailed: WELL honestly angel and cordy never got to be together at all...but they did admit they loved each other...but my only other real ship here was wesley/lilah so idk, they were both tragic and barely happened so take ur pick, joss whedon hates my happiness :/ oh wait snap! i was actually a little invested in angel and kate before that arc got thrown out the window. so them i guess.

community

the character i least understand: excluding like...todd...of the main cast probably shirley. not that i don’t understand her exactly but it’s yet another case of writers not really knowing what to do with a character and her writing sometimes being very uneven. obviously it’s a comedy so i’m not expecting in depth explorations of every detail but i did feel like there were lots of blanks about her past/motivations/etc that just got ignored. still love her though.

interactions i enjoyed the most: well obviously i love annie/abed platonically or romantically...and i also ship britta/jeff so them too. there wasn’t nearly enough britta/annie which i also ship both ways. i also loved the weird dynamic with annie being pierce’s favorite...and shirley&jeff!! underutilized but always good. 

the character who scares me the most: hmm i was really worried about jeff for a while there.

the character who is mostly like me: annie tbh her perfectionism and drive and anxieties are just.....right there in my brain....always.  

hottest looks character: annie, alison brie is a flawless goddess of sexiness and humor. that said thanks to aforementioned identification i can’t crush on annie per se? but divorced from personality she wins for sure.

one thing i dislike about my fave character: so my favorite to watch is britta and i had a really hard time with some of her cringier psych-major material bc i’ve known so many irritating psych majors like that. mmmmmmmmnnnnnnnuuuugh. hard to sit through. good stuff but cringey

one thing i like about my hated character: i really don’t hate any of the characters? i guess picking pierce out of the mains i liked his moments of kindness and especially whenever he tried to bond w jeff. good stuff 

a quote or scene that haunts me: the whole ending of “virtual systems analysis” honestly...some Strong Identification w both annie and abed happening there.

a death that left me indifferent: i mean i guess if hickey really died in s6 as implied in that one screenshotted email or whatever that, since they didn’t go into it, but otherwise i guess when star burns [fake] died

a character i wish died but didn’t: uhhhhh none i love my kids

my ship that never sailed: annie/abed, i can’t shut up about it (that said i’m glad it didn’t sail tbh bc i don’t think i would have liked what the writers would have done with it probably but still)