#whether they are trolling or genuinely believe that- so disturbing. i fucking hate people sometimes

[holyshit]

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[thank-your-lucky-stars]

A few things....

I’d really appreciate it if my followers could take the time to read this post, as it explains a few things that I have been holding back for some time.

Some of you might’ve noticed my absence recently. I was really ill from the middle of June; I got a bad chest infection from nowhere, and I couldn’t work or leave the house in weeks, apart from a couple of trips to the doctors (who put me on antibiotics) all I did all day was try (and fail) to sleep. My queue happened to run out just as I got ill too, which meant my blog became abandoned for the first time in.....years.

But I’d reached a bad point just as I got ill anyway. I’ve mentioned briefly about having no confidence on tumblr anymore - something which is really upsetting for me, as this blog has been a huge part of my life for almost 7 years now. It’s a place where I can express myself like no other, and fandom has always played a big part in that, as I have quite a lot of free time and even when I’m working I often have free time too (I work in little shops in little towns, and sometimes there’s simply nothing to do but piss about online), so tumblr is a big occupier of that free time.

Anyway. The Robron fandom has been really important to me for quite some time now. As a long time viewer of Emmerdale, I was so happy when I realised a fandom had been born here on tumblr - especially as that sort of coincided with my previous fandom deteriorating rapidly, due to it being overtaken by trolls.

I’ve spoken about what Robron mean to me, and how I latched onto them during the most difficult time of my life, and there was a point where they were probably the main reason I got out of bed in the morning, which is so fucked up but it’s also true. The fandom also became a huge saving grace for me, having a place where I felt safe and valid and important after watching my old fandom be so horribly ruined; I had all of that there once, until it was overtaken, until me and several other people in that fandom were targeted by some really disturbed individuals who resented the fact that we run popular blogs. It was upsetting and....creepy. Like seriously, seriously creepy. But above that it made me feel really unsafe here.

And then I felt like I found a new home. People were so nice and friendly and this fandom was a lot bigger and more active and I loved that people wanted to talk, that people used their voices and expressed themselves and I just found it so inspiring and a wonderful thing to be a part of.

And then The Incident™ happened, and there was a big shift. The divide was so obvious. Some people....changed. I didn’t like the way there seemed to be “sides” - the people who were managing to be positive, and those that weren’t. As someone who really struggled with what happened on screen, I definitely felt looked down upon by some corners of the fandom (note: this isn’t ALL the “positive” vs negative people, not at all. Most were respectful and understanding), and I didn’t appreciate the way some people behaved and made people like me feel, just because I wasn’t making excuses for ED or believing all the theories or doing cartwheels about the fact that they were sabotaging our ship right before our very eyes.

I understand how some people needed to be positive and sort of erase the negative in order to stay sane, I honestly genuinely get that, because I’ve been in that place before myself. But the coldness and bitchiness by some people was completely unnecessary and I know it made several people scared to speak our minds. It’s all good and well being told that your feelings are valid but it’s not so nice when you see people virtually mocking you for feeling the way you do. The hypocrisy was like nothing I have ever seen. I know nobody is perfect and everyone can say questionable things, and maybe these people didn’t mean to cause any upset, but to me and from my POV a lot of it was unnecessary and done purposely to shame certain areas of a fandom that was dealing with a lot of crap.

Then a series of things happened to me here directly and personally that shattered what confidence I had left. I did write about what happened, but I’ve deleted it. But about 4 or 5 people here really hurt me, in completely different ways, and two of those incidents in particular have really totally and utterly fucked me up and made me feel worthless and not good enough. In one of those cases, I forgave the person who hurt me and things were relatively resolved but the damage has had a really negative affect not just on how I feel here on tumblr but how I feel in my real life and even with my real-life friendships. It has triggered paranoia in me that I managed to deal with (for the most part) about 11 years ago, but what happened brought it all back and that incident, along with a few other people here (not people I considered friends, but people I respected none the less) doing some pretty crappy things has just....shattered me. It’s made me feel uneasy, uncomfortable, unsafe.....I don’t think these people are bad people, but at the same time what they have all contributed to has left me feeling like a sort of shell of the person I used to be here on tumblr. I used to be confident in speaking my thoughts/feelings, whether it be about personal stuff or fandom stuff or whatever, but now I’m just.....pretty shattered. Some of you know the specifics of these incidents, and your support has meant a lot. But I’m still pretty damaged by these things, as they all sort of happened one after the other, within about maybe 6 weeks or so, right after things went to shit with Robron.

So I feel like I have sort of been ground down to nothing. And I know this is such a small percentage of this fandom, I know the majority here are wonderful people. And even these people who have fucked with my head....I know they’re not bad people. I don’t think they’re evil or anything and I try to hang onto that even though I hate the way they have made me feel. But what they have done is damage me and damage my confidence and I do not know how to fix it. Above my dislike for how certain people have made me feel, I really resent how I have given these people the power to make me feel this way, and to help ruin something that was really special to me. It’s something I need to work on, to not focus so much on the negative/negative people, but I don’t know how to fix it.

And then there’s what’s happening with Robron on screen. I am at a point now where I simply do not care anymore. Whenever I read a new spoiler, I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad or angry because I’m unable to be shocked. I do not care if Robron split or stay together, because this isn’t Robron. Emmerdale have made a mockery of them, a joke of them - they have turned them into a laughing stock. The lack of care, respect and time that have been put into their story since the start of the year is embarrassing and I will genuinely never forgive Emmerdale for ruining such a wonderful gift. Robron were a gift. They were a gift to us but also a gift to the show. I long for the day people stop rewarding ED for the good times last year, and focus on the now, and stop voting for them for awards, or supporting them on social media. I can’t wait for people to just.....not care. For ED to post some Robron teaser on twitter and get nothing but crickets in response. I don’t want them to get hate, I want them to get silence, because silence hurts more. I resent them, I resent Iain and the storyliners, who must’ve smoked crack the day they came up with this storyline. I respect the people who are hanging on, probably by the skin of their teeth, and managing to be positive. Like seriously, I have massive respect for being able to get into that mindset. 

But when you’ve loved characters for so many years, long before this ship was even a producers wet dream, and you get to watch the highs and the lows and the highs again.....and then get to where we are now, it is pretty soul destroying. Like I won’t pretend I’m not heartbroken by it. And it’s my fault for getting in too deep, for latching onto them and relying on them the way I did. But I feel like I’ve grieved, like I’ve dealt with it in many ways. Like I’m just angry/bitter about it now. I don’t think they have the power the really deeply hurt me anymore, not like I was hurt when The Incident happened, or when it was confirmed there was going to be a baby. Everything I’ve felt since - even the decent stuff - has been.....weak. I mean two good (Maxine) episodes in, what, 4 months isn’t good enough for me. Even those episodes didn’t pack the punch they should have, because for me, Robron have been ground down to their bones. Like, there’s barely anything left. The flesh has gone. The heart, the soul.....it’s all gone in my eyes.

And I’m not saying there’s not a way back from this. I mean it won���t ever be the same again, too much damage has been done, but if this baby isn’t a thing then maybe in a year or so things could be....alright. But my prediction is Robron won’t be around in a year. I reckon Danny and/or Ryan will leave within the next year to 18 months. Thinking about it, I wish they had’ve left after the wedding. I’d have much preferred Robron going off into the sunset together, happy and in love and married and faithful, than have to witness what we’ve had to witness since the 16th of March.

But it is what it is. I’ll keep watching Emmerdale because I’ve watched it half my life. And I will always “ship” Robron. I will always want them to be happy and find a way back from this, because you can’t just stop caring completely. Not 100%, anyway. 

But at the same time, what I feel now is nothing compared to what I felt at the start of the year. And it breaks my heart but at the same time I don’t miss the endless stress over spoilers, or the disappointment when we realise we’re going around in yet another endless circle of: Robron are happy - Robert messes up - Aaron cries - RELATIONSHIP ON THE BRINK: WILL THEY SURVIVE??!!1?1 - Robert does something romantic - fluff - romance - Robert messes up - Aaron cries - rinse/repeat. Like we’ve been doing this since April last year and every time we think things will improve somehow they get worse?????? Like I always (stupidly) thought after they got married things would cool down but NOPE, it got worse than ever, and here we are in this hell-hole of despair and never-ending misery porn. I bet the producers sit up all night trying to find new ways to emotionally torture Aaron and new ways to make Robert look like a dick. 

These characters deserve better and I have no time for any of it anymore. I can’t say anything productive or enlightening and I can’t analyse scenes or moments or spoilers because I simply just do not have the energy or the care for it. It literally makes me sick on so many levels that this storyline is a thing that’s happening, I find it so offensive in so many ways and there’s nothing I can say except expressing my horror and disgust, which isn’t productive, and I’m sure it’s boring to read too because everyone has said it all already.

So that is where I’m at. And what I want to say is, I understand if you want to unfollow me, because I’m not going to be posting anything Robron related anymore (maybe one day, I think it’s stupid to say “never”, but as it stands....there won’t be any Robron content on this blog, and it remains to be seen if there will be any Emmerdale content either. I don’t know. I’ll never say never because that’s stupid but the outlook isn’t great right now.) 

I don’t want to lose people. This is the shitty thing about fandoms; people come and go. Like I said before, it’s a revolving door. I’ve been in fandoms for about 15 years now. I’ve probably spoken to hundreds of people who I’ve gotten friendly with, never to be seen or heard from ever again after a certain period of time, or once I or they have moved on from said-fandom. I know it’s how it works. I don’t want to lose contact with certain people here just because I’m not participating in the thing that brought us together. 

I still have the blog @thank-your-lucky-starrs​ - it’s sort of a replica of this blog, in a way (same icon, virtually the same name!) - which I made for 100% Emmerdale/Robron, even though I’ve never really used it. I followed a bunch of you there, and I know several people followed back, so I guess if you only care about what fandom/Robron/ED related stuff I have to say, you could always continue following that other blog, if you don’t want to follow me here for personal/other stuff I’m interested in, on the off-chance that some day I want/can talk about Robron/ED again. So you can still follow me but not follow this blog, if that’s what you want.

I’m sort of at a loss to what to do myself, because obviously there is a LOT of Robron on my dash. But unfollowing people is really hard for me....I’m too loyal and it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t want people to think I have an issue with them (honestly, if I was ever to unfollow you and you want to know why, you can ask me and I’ll be 100% honest because I’m not a twat and I respect people and honesty is important to me). I may start unfollowing people at some point on this blog, but keep you all on my @thank-your-lucky-starrs​ blog, for if I ever want to delve back into Robron land (that was the purpose of the blog in the first place, so I could have a Robron dash and a non-Robron dash, but I chickened out of unfollowing people on this blog because like I said I’m too loyal and I care too much, even about people who probably don’t give a flying fuck about me lmao).

So yeah, this post is long but I needed to say all of this stuff. If you still want to support me and this blog then honestly thank you. If you want to unfollow because you don’t think I’ll be sharing any content that will interest you, I understand (and please feel free to shoot me a message and tell me that, because that would mean so much to me to know that’s the reason you’re unfollowing and not because you think I’m an oversensitive freak!!!). Honesty is something that is really important to me and anyone who knows me well enough will know that I am a really honest person, maybe to a fault sometimes, but at the same time I do think it’s a good thing, because if you talk to me about anything or anyone or any situation, you know that with me I will tell you the truth, my true thoughts and feelings, and I can do it in a way that is sensitive - people can be honest without being rude/horrible, people can be honest with tact and care, which is what I always try to do (but several people don’t know how to do that!!) so what I’m trying to say is.....you can be honest with me too. As long as the honesty is delivered with care and respect then that care and respect will be reciprocated.

I don’t want to lose people just because I have lost this fandom. The fandom is a collective but it’s filled with individuals and so many of these individual, unique people are kind and special and I don’t want to lose you. I am trying my very best to be strong and to not let myself be robbed of so many of you. Your support has always meant more to me than words can describe.

I’m going to shut up now but if you’ve read this then, as always, thank you.

[hanzi83]

Different topics: Self reflection, Pro WWE Stans, and Backlash of the XXXtentacion Joke

Blog

I am back for another blog. I keep thinking it will be the end, but due to not being able to jot down my personal thoughts I have had the need to at least put my mind frame out there so people can see where my mind is going. I am going to focus on certain things, I mean there will still be self loathing and self reflection with a mixture of other things on my mind because sometimes, as limited as my verbiage can be due to being a fucking scattered brain nut who can’t organize the thoughts in his head in a precise manner, and can’t figure out where my mind has been over the course of the last decade and that is the unfortunate thing about someone who followed the lead on how to think because I never knew how to think for myself, and I have fell for ignorant point of views or limited point of views and it has never left me satisfied.

Over the course of the last few years I have moved towards being more of a leftist person. I used to not be empathic or sympathetic towards others because I thought nihilism is such a cool and edgy thing for most of my existence, when being a nice person did not make me stand out and made people dislike me for being too much of a square, not realizing I was buying into a normalized right wing and centrist mentality because of the people who had platforms, who would be woke about certain behaviors and on certain issues, and it feels like with all the shit I have been through, trying to interview different people on my periscope sessions, and even talking to people with ignorant views, to see a better way, even if they seem like a Trump supporter, who still have minorities as friends etc, and I feel it is a challenge, because my mind is weak and it feels like if I am not embraced by leftist leaning people, who never really say anything when I am dealing with harassment, it seems more people who come across as peaceful centrists or right wings that they are embracing me, like “Look our side is embracing you, those leftists don’t care about you” and I feel like a certain point I might buckle, because I am a weak minded person, and I have always conformed with who I was around with the outlook, so I constantly deal with this harassment the more I try to put out a more peaceful message.

I am vehemently attacked for having a different outlook on groups fighting against oppression so the right wing government agents trolling me, are trying to paint me as a terrorist sympathizer, while they are the ones siding with the real systemic terror that is taking place. I am accused of hating all white people, when I have pointed out how people are buying into a systemic white supremacy and it is a big no-no. The people, who are supposed free speech advocates, are not for me expressing how people who think they are being edgy are not really being edgy. I have been blackballed from even being able to have a career when I have contributed many ideas that have been taken from me, and the specifics have never made me point it out, just the fact that I contributed.  Maybe that was  Stern Show tactic I fell for, because Stern was a huge influence to me and I always wanted to impress him, so when he would make fun of Stuttering John for keeping tabs on what joke he wrote and would have all sorts of papers he made light of that, and that is when I decided never to keep tab of what ideas and jokes were used by multiple people. The propaganda is so real, even if I explain my narrative, they will just say I was a crazy caller and nothing more, and then they will hint that I helped Stern make millions and I am owed money, and they will deny it is my incapability of finding a job and never disclose that they are keeping me censored. They fuck with my views and pump them up when it is convenient, to show these views on periscope, especially are not genuine. They constantly try to peace talk with me, and not disclose their views are leaning toward the right, so I don’t immediately shoo them away.

This is where it ties into wrestling because they love when I lose my mind. I have spoken out about WWE’s practices, and how I don’t like who runs the company etc, I still appreciate the people who work there and entertain the fans, but even rubbing it in my face I won’t be a part of the Summer festivities in Toronto is meant to make me lose my mind because I lost my mind when Mania festivities took place. Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it, over the last few months I have not cared about pop culture news or television shows/movies etc to catch up on anything. Maybe I should not care, but it is literally everything we consume is run by some sort of evil. I am sure this computer I am typing on was probably put together by some sweatshop worker or something. It feels like the easiest mind frame to have does just not want to be here because I try to be socially conscious, but I am still using shit that is tied to evil shit, whether it is a tablet, or consuming from some fast food place or something. I lose my fucking mind and the possibility that people I know are also involved with shady things, even though I don’t fucking know, it fucks with me. \

So the wrestling stuff has really taken its toll because even though I believe a lot of the stuff outside the ring, even stuff involving media outlets is also like wrestling, maybe I am buying into it but ever since the introduction of AEW, which does have shadiness with its owners as well, to be fair, it seems like the pro WWE contingent have attack others like they are socially conscious, while never copping to the fact they might be taking WWE money to shill for them online, and because they call out Saudi Arabia, or calling out Hulk Hogan, they think they are doing their due diligence of being socially conscious, and will constantly show off WWE hiring minorities as the most socially conscious shit ever, while it is performative at its best. They accuse others of not keeping the same energy while also not keeping the same energy. Their points towards other companies and people are valid, but the fact they are acting like these new hip people and they are siding with WWE, it supposed to be this manufactured talk about race misogyny etc, while they are supporting the company who have systemically caused a lot of this shit as well. So when there are accounts dedicated to mocking Dave Meltzer, who I don’t agree with by the way on a lot of shit, and I have called him out as well, but since he is has been more on AEW side the harassment has taken another level, under the guise of criticism of his reports etc, there have been attacks on his family and his kids, and when he finally puts on his own board the name of the person doing it, which anyone can see, he is accused of doxing even though it was his first name. I wouldn’t have done it since it said in their terms that no one would do that, but these same shit disturbers are acting like the biggest victims, so much so that he put out the name himself on his own twitter, totally normal for someone to do when they fear their name is out there.

These same dudes who are performative about the outrage were the same ones attacking other people who don’t believe a company with shoddy morality and has had a huge track record of sweeping corruption within their own company under the rug, would actually being capable of exaggerating one of their employees, or independent contractors’ battle with cancer. Now it is genius if this was a lie or some sort of exaggeration because you present a severity of something like cancer, which is horrible to have, so now because people question it, they will have their shills attack anyone questioning it, and if it does end up that this was a lie, it shows how so many of these WWE shills and fan boys and girls, are propping their own experiences and this narrative of “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THIS, THIS IS NOT A STORYLINE” the same fucking guy who grilled Brian Pillman’s wife on live television after her husband’s death so he could deflect blame on the company, the fact that he may have paid off people to get off Jimmy Snuka off a murder, or the infamous ring boy scandal, or how recently in the affidavit there was reports from Ashley Massaro being raped and it was covered up. “BUT THEY ARE A PUBLICLY TRADED COMPANY” Yeah because that has stopped other publicly traded companies from partaking in any shadiness or corruption.

These same people who care about the sanctity of cancer victims, they were the first ones who would pile on me and tell me to go kill myself, someone who has mental illness, and they had to secrecy of hiding their identities even though I know which people they were and I cannot prove it technically but people accusing Meltzer using his fan boys to defend him etc, are the same ones defending WWE and being a stan of a billion dollar company. I could be wrong about the Reigns stuff but everything to me in this system is manufactured in some way or another, whether it is staged or some other cause orchestrating. I don’t have all the facts, and that is true, but since you guys pit me as this guy who is in his mom’s basement and is a fucking loser, why would you be so threatened by some mentally ill asshole right? Obviously I struck a chord with you guys if you are encouraging me to kill myself, and then acting like you are not doing at behest of a billion dollar company, or some popular radio host who can never be called out.

 The last thing I will say and I am in a hurry. There seems to be this controversy of XXXtentacion joke by some comedian. I have many thoughts of this. People are outraged because she made a joke about someone, who on his time on earth was not the best human being and did horrible things, so she made a joke that his death of getting killed and robbed would be commercial for why you should get Venmo. The joke was not the greatest, even though I feel she has every right to do that joke, comedians should be allowed to try something out without the fear of getting people to threaten her and dox her. Part of me feels, as much I agree with any comedian being able to try to do their jokes and apply their craft, that there is a contingent of right wing comedians who hide behind free speech etc, but they will censor anyone’s else’s free speech under the guise of getting their fan base to threaten other women, but are for this woman’s joke who mocked XXX’s death. Comedians act like their craft is some pure art and never call out the government agents and undercover law enforcement supporters in their own shit. Only time you see these “edgy” comedians call out someone, is when it is someone being “Too PC’ but never call their own side’s bullshit and act like they are the fighters of free speech, while still being prostituted by the right wing side, which has always had a part in the comedy world. Ill see supposed conspiracy theorist comedians, who will put out shit as fact, and I have put out theories, and always state I never know for a fact, but these people will put out that Drake and other rappers sacrificed XXX like it is a fact and that is more dangerous than getting backlash for a fucking joke. It feels like these things are created, maybe both sides are in on it, but it serves its agendas, because the cultists of XXX’s will have a field day and then the ones fighting back have a new angle of a comedian being the fucking victim. These same comedians would not approve of me calling out how comedians are compromised, and not with the jokes they tell, but when they do their podcasts or radio shows, and are being 100 percent serious will advocate for death of minorities and intellectualize it.

I never seen anyone in comedy ever call out how comedy shows like Stern Show or O&A helped start the alt right, and even though these shows were hilarious and there was satirizing of racism, misogyny, and homophobia etc but when they spoke out seriously about things they were spreading nonstop propaganda, and acting like the side they were fighting for is completely freedom, while constantly tying corporate nature with people speaking out against the systemic evils, even if it was limited, like they were not doing the same thing but on a much more edgier level. You don’t see any of these free speech comedians ever call out people like Stern for blackballing me from comedy and not letting me have a more progressive message or maybe explaining how there are initiations about how people have to partake in propaganda to make it, no one wants to hear that shit, so they will limit the messages on either side. No one will pay attention to this anyways, because I will be lumped in with every blogger who is censoring comedy, even though I want comedy to be free, and this supposed presentation of “what comedy is supposed to be” is also prostituted and no one will ever dare point it out and it will just be seen with different cliques and more limited narratives.

So there is my fucking piece. It was shitty and no one should respect me. I hope someday I am out of this world so I never have to endure the pretentiousness and maybe I won’t feel the need to give into this bullshit because my mind does weaken and sometimes I wish I did sell out because it looks so appealing to be celebrated and be able to have connections, but I isolated myself and am not capable of fully trusting another fucking human being. I will always be miserable, and even though I used to think it was cool to be miserable, and self centered, because that was seen as the ultimate “I don’t give a fuck” thing, I realized it was propaganda, but it might be too late for me because my mind has been poisoned for so long, that my mind could be persuaded into this shit. It is what scares me, and for the good of this planet, I would beg people to just rid me off here because it is becoming too much for my fucked up brain to handle.  

Let me clarify though, every comedian has a right to try out dark material, it might not land well, but sometimes it feels like these situations are meant to cause a reaction because it is the new marketing, and I don’t think that XXX deserved to die, being shot at 20 year old is horrible and I do personally believe that someone could have changed if the right people had got to him, and I always feel like people in the industry who do horrible things is part of some initiation, and for some rappers it is always meant to put them in violent situations etc, but no one ever wants to discuss that, so maybe XXX was changing his life and the problematic behavior, but people have to keep in mind that people don’t also have to like what he did, and the ones who have a problem with that joke maybe get on your platforms and discuss why people in the industry do shitty things, like these corporations don’t design it this way, but we can’t prove any of that right? I just had layered thoughts of this whole situation, and people will accuse me of not being for free speech of comedy. I believe comedians should be able to tell their jokes etc. It would not even shock me some of the people threatening to dox and kill this female comedian, weren’t also some right wing types making it seem far more dangerous than what it was. I could be wrong but I question everything and everyone. Everyone has a fucking agenda. These same people who defend Louie, also act like people going after Louie are the ones who have the agenda, but acting like your defense of him is just for the art of comedy, not like you are being given incentive to defend him. It is also funny that the people who were embracing him when he was more socially conscious, never once mentioned how Louie came from being a well off privileged dude, and was not this everyday working man, it is funny how that happens to come out after all of this, kind of like it is like wrestling and it was time to turn Louie heel now. Just my thoughts.

[hanzi83]

Maybe the Last Blog Wasn’t My Last Blog Maybe it is this One

I know the last blog I wrote I was worried this might be the end of me. I feel like they have tried to prompt me into going insane, especially over the last month since they know I have not written, even in my personal journal, to get the plethora of thoughts off my chest, but I have used periscope to connect and try to meet different characters who have been interesting. There is an assortment of entertainment there, whether it is sex workers trying to get people to go to their premium snap chat or discussions about politics, religion, or just jokers roasting each other. It has been cool, and kind of frustrating. I find it fascinating since my name on there is the spoof name of the late Dusty Rhodes, Dusty Loads, so there are actually people on there that don’t know me as Hanzi or Imran Khan, they know me as Dusty. I have procrastinated from writing down my thoughts and frustrations and even testing this out to see if different people in my life are monitoring this and I say a bunch of vile shit to see how much people are actually monitoring me and also some thoughts are genuine jokes and genuine feelings at the time naturally, but it just felt weird that I have not written anything, and it feels like I am programmed not to even care anymore about it.

It has been tough over the last several weeks because recently there was a tape of  Howard Stern that was leaked out of him implanting his 2013 revolution plan, where it is him having a poorly spelled power point presentation, where he asks his underpaid staff to book A List guests since they are becoming more irrelevant, and people have pinpointed that I am kind of vindicated because he does encourage his staff to create fake twitter accounts to bombard celebrities to get them on the show, and even though he has vehemently denied ever knowing how to use troll accounts or would even direct people to do that kind of thing,  it proves the opposite of what he claimed, even though it did not prove that he has trolls to harass the whack pack so it keeps them in line, so no I have not been vindicated. I am not doing the summary justice, there are plethora of podcasts and forums that have dissected this a lot better than I have. My main point of bringing this to light on this blog, is that since more shadiness has been leaked out, the trolls have been acting a lot more aggressive, and are claiming there is footage of me being gay or me beating up a gay couple, or even spreading more vicious lies about me, and continuously making more accounts and get completely triggered because I bring on black guests onto my periscope.

It becomes so frustrating because I try to meet new people, and since I focus on the guests more, it angers these trolls because I am not paying attention to the comments as much so they amplified their trolling to a next level. I am sure these people have a way of fucking with technology to frame me for something, because the people harassing me are high level types of people who have teams to fuck with people, and it has been proven in the past with how these gang stalkers have tried to find ways to destroy a person’s psyche.

First of all this leak to me, feels like something purposely leaked because Stern knows he is the villain now, and the psyche out moment of this is, it was meant to make it seem like he is going to become a PC guy like it was the sell out moment, when his entire career has been a sellout moment, but it was just over 20 years ago he probably had the same kind of meeting to organize how to make it seem like they are edgy and normalize the negative shit he did in the culture, so either it represents that he still is a right wing guy who had a meeting on how he is going more PC, which would make his right wing fan base hate him more, because when the meeting had a point where he said he wants more gay guests, and has on the screen “Homophobic audience” and how to convert them, I mean it was his show who for decades normalized treating gay people like they were giant perverts and call people the F word all the time. I wonder where your audience would become homophobic from, and it is gross generalization and then asking your gay employee to get a trans guest, or blaming your staff for the hallway design like they are responsible for that. It felt like he was positioning this as if they don’t succeed they will be fired or demoted, and considering how many people were let go since that meeting, I can safely assume that they did not complete their tasks.

I personally believe this was meant to come out and that he knew his career is at its end so now he has to embrace being the villain, even know the starting phase of it is that he has gone more corporate and correlate it with him being a liberal, even though he is not a liberal. I mean he could actually be a real liberal, but the presentation he is putting on right now is supposed to be a neoliberal and he will be exposed as being right wing because he and his ilk have to be the bad guys and phonies now, and it seems like the way of the storyline is, that having people who were leaning right before suddenly becoming “liberal” and then people thinking  that this is where they sold out, so you isolate your right leaning fan base, and then the liberal ones will turn on you when they find out what your past is and when it is convenient to get mad at that then they will. I still suspend he will be exposed as a Trump advocate, but anything I have said on here I cannot confirm in any way because it is just merely speculation from a guy who has brain worms.

It feels like the more that comes out though, the more the trolls will try to fuck with me, and try to get me to declare happiness like the Hanzi83 sub reddit got shut down and people asking me if I got it shut down, other than posting on reddit’s facebook page that this page is dedicated to harass me, I don’t think it was my doing and I personally think they shut it down on its own and wanted me to gloat about it, and then they wanted me to gloat about Howard’s leaks, and as humorous as this shit sounded to me, I know this is not a victory for me. Trust me, there is no victory for me in this. I have lost everything.

I have lost my friendships and relationships. I have been excluded and used by everyone because I can’t get over how much systemic power people in my life have been given and have had to report back to the powers that be what my mind frame is like etc and this chase for fame has done so much harm, because I want to use it for good and try to be more responsible but since that is seen as nerd SJW bullshit, people gravitate towards the counter culture and see that as edgy, and the more I speak out on the white supremacist system, and how much ignorance I bought into, it has triggered these trolls and they insist I hate on white people, because I might have ignorant people on my scope who might be black, and if people do say something ignorant, I try to have a discussion because I want to gage it if it is harmful or is it just someone talking shit and how can we get them to see how they can evolve, and yes I will admit I try to give people of color the benefit of the doubt and maybe I might be harsher on white people, but these same white people I am harsher on are the ones always dropping the N word or the F word all the fucking time, and spew right wing shit and then act like they are victims. Maybe because as a person of color I used to think ignorantly and people in my life did not give up on me but would try to get me to evolve and I would even push back because I bought into counter culture, I think sometimes depending on the propaganda people take in, and how much minorities go through, I feel like there is hope to change their mind and see something more in a evolved way. That also goes for white people, but some of these people who show up on my social media are always trying to showcase what kind of assholes they are and instill paranoia and try to prompt me to threaten them so I can get banned.

It is clear these social media sites answer to people who are more powerful so they allow the constant harassment and name calling against me but if I dare fight back and say something fucked up, then I can get suspended because people are upset with me and mad they could not use me further, so now their crews will now try to report me for anything slight thing. I should get off social media, but it feels like the only place I can make some human connection has been on watching other people’s periscope because people in my life have moved on to better things and I will never get over all the shit I missed and how much secrecy and infighting there has been, and it feels I will never be close with them ever again. I am sure I will not be friends with these people on periscope for long but it does feel good momentarily to actually have good conversation with people, even if they don’t agree with me. I have met some very beautiful woman on there as well and it has been cool to chat with some of them, and of course some of the worst kinds of Trump people are on there, and I even try to gage how far they have gone down the right wing rabbit hole and maybe there is saving them to some extent but I don’t think there is, some of these people from 4chan think it is in their right to be racist and call people the n word, and when there is someone who woman who you think is cool, aligning with someone like that, it is kind of disturbing to me. They will make it seem like “You can’t handle other people’s opinion” when it is not even that, you don’t think those people’s opinion hasn’t been the norm for so many fucking decades? I love how these people think their view is some new profound way of thinking like they are standing up to it all, while people who have

 genuine concern about social issues are the ones who are snowflakes.

So it feels like these people are angered and threatened about that. I found the harassment go up even more because I was not against ANTIFA and presented that there could be agent provocateurs in the mix to make the group look bad, and the fact that these right wing types have in them to use the same talking points and then move the goalposts and then continue to pathologically lie and have no shame about it, and make it seem like you are the one who supports radicalization while being pro cop and pro military and justify why people are locked up or bombed, and that is not seen as radical whatsoever, but for someone like me, who is irrelevant and can’t let go of his 15 minutes of fame, these people are still pissed I dare try to get on my periscope to talk about stuff and hate that they were not able to get me to kill myself.

It feels like since I have even suggested that if Howard is really a Trump supporter, maybe he might be tied into the Epstein shit, but it feels like this Epstein shit is designed more to get at Trump’s enemies, even though people know they have been associated in the past etc, so this new notion to deny Trump has any involvement with Epstein is really scary too, because the more evident it seems to become Trump is evil, it feels like his supporters and the trolls won’t care. The paid trolls will never stop with me and every day I feel closer to wanting to end it because of how much they hack my shit and make it known they are watching me and even hint they are driving to my house to do something to me, I have no idea when these people will strike down, but I feel I need to write this blog and since I am out of practice of writing down any thoughts, I know this blog was not the best one, but I had to have a last one if this is truly the end for me.

You know with SummerSlam festivities happening and how much I am not included in any plans I know around that time, I will irrationally lose my mind and act like a fucking pussy having a fucking powwow about it and then declaring I am not going to watch, and maybe I shouldn’t. The company is corrupt but the people who work there I am fans of and even the alternatives to the WWE are not 100 percent pure and have their own shadiness and at what point do I keep giving into this shit, but then everything else I use or watch has been dipped in evil, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? This is fucking frustrating and I wish I was never born in this poisonous world. I just know how my manic meltdown patterns and I know it will just get worse since I have not expressed myself properly in the last month or so.