#wheres your rage? wheres your fcking anger?

[patientno7]

Fellas i gotta tell you when i wondered how the upcoming game Atomic Heart could afford to Look That Good and also be voiced in a good dozen different languages, i did NOT expect the answer to be "literally funded by russian gas and oil giant gazprom and therefore directly sponsoring russian attacks on ukraine"

[heyitsyn]

Mess Up

TimeTraveler!Son x Haikyuu!!

a/n: lmao im really sorry about this :’( this is just a brain dump and something i thought of while i was watching the stage play and i was thinking about it last night until i fell asleep

p.s. your son’s name is natsu in this one and hes an oc so dont be confused as to who this guy is 😂

summary: your son accidentally stumbles through time and the only way he can go back is if his mother and father get together. the only problem? he doesnt know who his father is

he,,,, messed up

that was clear the moment he woke up to a supposed bicycle accident in early morning when it shouldve been a car accident at the dead of night

lets take a flashback shall we

natsu came home after volleyball practice around 8 at night and he stumbled through the front door where he could smell the delicious food that you were cooking

‘ma! tadaima!’

he shouted and you peeked from the hallway with your blue apron and ladle and a close-eyed grin

‘okaeri, baby!’

his slippers padded across the wooden floors to go to the kitchen and watch as you stirred the miso soup

‘how was practice, dumpling?’

omg i would totally call my future kids that though

he shrugged, even though you couldnt see him, and went to the fridge to grab a bottled water before taking a sip

‘inter-high is coming up so captain’s been making us practice longer’

he answered then went to jump on the counter beside the stove so you could see him

he turned silent as he inspected your features and how youthful you still looked despite going through so many stressful times and hardships of raising your son alone

but he was really wondering what was exactly your purpose of being here since you rarely cooked for him due to being busy at work and therefore coming home late

‘ma, why are you here early?’

you noticeably stopped for a second before smiling, eyes shifting from the pot to him

‘i,,, have something to talk about with you’

natsu blinked then leaned against the wall and crossed his arms

‘is it something bad? but youre cooking my favorite so it must be something good. then again, it might be something bad but you want to be on my good side so youre bribing me with-’

‘natsu’

you softly called out to him and he stopped

you turned off the stove and shuffled to the side so you could stand in between his legs

no words were said as a sad look passed your eyes and you cupped his face, looking at him

‘youve grown so much, natsu. ma is sorry that she wasnt here to watch you grow. can you forgive me?’

natsu let out a confused sound and he placed his hands on top of yours from his face then quirked an eyebrow

‘ma, whats going on?’

he slowly asked

you continued to look through every feature of your son and grimaced slightly as his father’s stood out much more than you thought

‘come. lets eat while we talk’

dinner was tense

it was more of the tension coming from you and natsu being so worried and confused that he couldnt even eat his favorite

suddenly, he slammed his chopsticks to the table, fed up with the silence and genuinely worried by your behavior

‘ma, tell me whats wrong’

you winced and swallowed before shakingly placing your own utensils down and looking at a stain on the table from when he was 5 and accidentally spilled dye from his tye-dye activity

‘natsu, i,,,’

you drifted off but he gestured for you to continue

‘first off,,, i want you to know that i love you and that i only want what’s best for you. second,,, i hope you will go through with this because i,,, dont want you to bear this,,, this grudge for the rest of your life’

‘am i adopted?’

he demanded but you looked at him in shock

‘what? no! we literally have the same hair color and eyes, dumpling!’

then he let out a relieved sigh

‘thats the worst thing i thought of so i feel better now. come on, hit me’

you chuckled but went back to talking

‘your father,,, wants to meet you’

nope, that was actually the worst thing he heard

‘father? what, father?’

he couldnt stop the venom that dripped from his words and you flinched because you knew he would act like this

‘we bumped into each other at the airport,,,, he told me about,,, wanting to meet,, you’

you mumbled, now concentrating at your laced fingers

‘well, you can tell him to fck off because the feeling’s not mutual’

natsu growled then continued shoveling down his rice but you reached out and softly placed a hand on his arm and sent him a pleading look

‘darling, i-,,, i dont want to do this either. but this hatred for him-your anger- i dont want you to live with this! this might not show now but it will affect you in the future with a-a future family! he will drag you down but if you just--- just talk to him once! just once-’

natsu banged a fist on the table and you gasped at the sudden sound

‘HE WANTED YOU TO KILL ME’

he shouted, anger and rage reeking from his spot across you

‘HE LEFT YOU TO FEND FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A DAMN COWARD TO OWN UP TO A CHILD HE HELPED MAKE. OH SO WHAT- ALL BECAUSE HE JUST WANTED TO SCREW? A FUN TIME THEN THROW YOU-US- AWAY? NAH, MA, WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO MEET SOMEONE WHO NEVER WANTED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?’

you gulped because right now, you were able to see the similarity to his father

‘he just wants to see you-to talk to you’

‘BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? I DONT WANT TO SEE HIS FCKING FACE BECAUSE IF I DO, I MIGHT PLUMMET HIM TO THE GROUND’

‘natsu, please stop yelling at me’

you pleaded and he stared at you angrily but turned his gaze back to the chicken bites

‘every thought of him makes me angry so if i see him, i will lose every control i have. hes nothing but a stranger to me-wait, no, hes like dirt that deserves nothing but bad luck to come his way. its either he wanted me or cant have me. and he chose wrong so hes going to have live with it for the rest of his life and pretend i dont even exist. and thats that’

you ran your hands on your face then closed your eyes

‘natsu, you dont understand, we-- we were children! i was still a student! we didnt know,, we didnt know anything about babies! i-i feel like shite because i brought upon this rage in you towards him, your father! i want to make things right! to make peace!’

‘DO YOU THINK I NEVER SAW THE TIMES YOU SAT ON THIS SAME FCKING TABLE, LOOKING AT THE BANK ACCOUNT AND CRYING BECAUSE WE WOULDNT HAVE ENOUGH FOR FOOD TOMORROW? OR-OR WHEN YOU BEGGED-BEGGED- YOUR BOSS FOR MORE SHIFTS SO YOU COULD MAINTAIN A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD? YOU THINK I DONT SEE THAT SHITE?! BECAUSE I DO! I SEE IT AND IT STILL GIVES ME NIGHTMARES TO THIS DAY BECAUSE I COULDNT DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOU! I JUST SAT THERE AND LET YOU SUFFER IN SECRET BECAUSE I WAS JUST A CHILD! AND DO YOU KNOW WHO’S AT FAULT WITH ALL OF THIS?! HIM! HES THE REASON WHY YOU SHED EVERY BLOOD, EVERY SWEAT, AND EVERY TEAR! ITS BECAUSE OF HIM I NEVER SEE YOU BECAUSE YOURE BUSTING YOUR ASS AT WORK FOR ME! ITS BECAUSE OF HIM THAT I PLAY LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT SO I CAN BE SCOUTED AND EARN MONEY FOR US IN THE FUTURE! HIM! ALL HIM!’

angry tears were falling down his face and you stood up to hold him but he shot up

‘natsu-baby-please calm-’

‘WHO DOES THAT TO A CHILD’

his voice cracked and he hiccuped

‘IT DIGUSTS ME THAT I SHARE THE SAME BLOOD AS HIM AND I AM MADE WITH 50% OF HIM! AND I SEE THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYES BECAUSE I REMIND YOU OF HIM, DONT I? I HATE THAT! HE DID THAT TO YOU!’

you held on to him and tried to tell him to calm down because you knew how distructive he could be

‘I HATE HIM. AND I CANT BELIEVE YOURE TRYING TO CONVINCE ME TO SEE HIM. HOW COULD YOU’

maybe it mustve been the stress from midterms and the competitions but his heart was hammering and he could see nothing but red and feel nothing else but anger running through his veins

‘no, dumpling, youre misunderstanding because i-’

but he swatted your hand away, eyes staring at his shoes

‘i need to get away right now. just- i’ll be at katsuki’s house. dinner was good so thanks’

he mumbled and rushed to the hallway, picking up his gym bag and quickly slipping on his shoes

you ran to the door and held on to him

‘natsu we can talk this out! please! dont go! just stay-’

he shut his eyes to calm himself down before turning and giving you a soft kiss on your forehead

‘ill be back tomorrow. just let me go blow off some steam, kay, ma?’

but he didnt even give you an answer because he was already out the door

--

the walk from his apartment complex to katsuki’s house should’ve only taken nearly 10 minutes but he was so pre-occupied and distracted that he ended up missing the turns and ended up in an unfamiliar street

based on his surroundings, he was in the city but he remained his gaze on his shoes, just walking and walking, not stopping

this caused him to miss the stoplight and he was the only person who continued walking, the shouts and yells from the pedestrians falling deaf on his ears 

but it finally opened up with a loud honking and a bright light that made him freeze in shock until it collided with him, sending him flying and falling unconscious

---

natsu groaned, not because of the pain but because of the bright light

‘oh god, i died and im going to the light’

he mumbled but a frantic shout made his eyes fully open up

‘NO DONT GO TO THE LIGHT! OH GOD! I JUST KILLED SOMEONE!’

natsu turned to the direction of the voice and he jumped then rolled over to get away but indeed, the pain from the collision stopped him

‘ugh’

he groaned and winced

‘hey, hey, you okay?’

the high-pitched voice asked and natsu raised his head to see the boy with orange hair kneeled down in front of him and hands hovering over him

‘i feel,,, ugh’

natsu sniffed and the boy helped him sit up so he could fully look around

‘where am i?’

he asked and the boy shuffled to kneel down beside him

‘japan. sendai. oh, im hinata shoyo by the way! so sorry i hit you with my bike!’

but natsu’s jaw dropped

‘hinata,,, shoyo?’

his eyes widened and he completely forgot about the pain as he stood on his feet, pointing at the tangerine

‘OLYMPICS!’

he shouted and he was getting scared, eyes drifting to everywhere and pacing in circles

‘did i,,,, no, that doesnt happen. damn izuku wouldnt shut up about doctor who. its not possible, just not! right?!’

hinata was now panicked and thought he really messed up the guy in the head because the h/c boy was now walking in circles, murmuring angrily, and face switching expressions every millisecond

‘oh my god, i need to take you to the hospital! i messed you up!’

hinata frantically grabbed his phone but natsu jumped and grabbed the device

‘no. no, its fine. i just-,,,, i dont remember anything’

natsu played and hinata’s eyes got even wider

‘OH MY GOD I REALLY DID SOMETHING WORSE!’

but natsu placed his hands on his idol’s shoulders to calm him down

‘no hospital, no needles, no medics. just,,, call your emergency contact or something’

it was quite funny that the victim had to console the cause of the accident but hinata nonetheless complied and hit the call button

‘your mom?’

natsu asked but hinata shook his head

‘no. my team manager, l/n y/n. she’d know what to do’

but natsu’s brain exploded

‘l/n,,,, y/n?’

my ma?

oh god i really did mess up

this is going to be a whole mess and i can already feel it but yanno what? imma just go with the flow and go through with your guys’ thoughts and ideas so in a way, you can control (??) the story?? idk i really dont know what im doing but i just needed to put this into writing bc ive been thinking about it since i woke up. also, do you think i should write this in a headcanons way or normal writing way?

[swannsjack]

Absolutely DISGUSTED by the mainstream media’s smear campaign of Johnny Depp

there are literally tapes of Amber Heard admitting to hitting, punching, throwing things at Johnny Depp, being a gaslighting lil’ sh*t. And only a handful of MSM reported on those. And that’s not to mention SHE ADMITTED IT UNDER OATH during her deposition.

But ONE frustrated text is being reported by all of them. The double standard is absolutely outrageous.

And not just the fact that they spread it like fire, but the HOW. Threatened. Vowed. etc. I’m sorry what? First of all, the text message was:

1. sent to a friend, NOT Amber. She didn’t know it existed so she couldn’t have been threatened by it.

2. Followed by saying “I’m too f*cked in the head to spray my rage at the one I love” so what vow when he literally said he’d never do it?

Amber Heard is someone who provenly cheated on Johnny Depp with multiple people. Abused him mentally, violently physically, nearly killed him, made false allegations about him, turning the story around on him, which lead to him losing his good name and his career, his kids being bullied, him having suicidal thoughts.

BUT HIM BEING FRUSTRATED BY HER BEHAVIOUR AND VENTING IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE TO A FRIEND IS THE PROBLEM HERE? THAT MAKES HIM AN ABUSER OR A HORRIBLE PERSON? Or means he doesn’t deserve to feel sorry for?

I HAVE SAID WORSE THINGS ABOUT MY OWN ABUSIVE FATHER. I wished he’d d*e, so many times. Does that make him any less abusive? Does that make me and my family any less of abuse victims? Am I an awful person for wishing the abuse to stop?!

Does this make Rose McGowan any less of a victim? Does it make Harvey Weinstein any less of a disgusting abuser/predator/rapist? 

If you answered “NO” to all of those then there’s zero fcking reason for these texts from Johnny Depp to make him any less of a victim, any less innocent, than he was before. 

If you answered “yes” then honestly F*ck you. It happens. There are cases when a victim killed their abuser when they just couldn’t take it any more. Which is an extreme, certainly, but it can happen and while the person would still go to jail, you’d still feel for them because they were a victim of abuse and they just couldn’t take it anymore.

JOHNNY DEPP DID NOTHING BUT SENT A FRUSTRATED TEXT MESSAGE. And pushed her away when she was attacking him. That’s the restraint he had. And that is CONFIRMED BY HER ON THE DAMN AUDIO. And her own parents confirmed she was not abused and told Johnny he has the right to feel angry she made those allegations. 

And let’s put one more thing into perspective, shall we?

We all know Johnny had struggled with addiction in the past. He started taking pills to deal with his mental health and the abusive household he grew up in. Obviously that’s something you struggle with your whole life.

But I don’t think anyone could argue against him being perfectly fine before Amber Heard. You all know he was. Then Amber Heard happend and all of a sudden his problem was back. Want to know why?

After sending that ONE TEXT, he immediately followed, not only by saying he would never hurt her, but he went and HARMED HIS OWN DAMN SELF by taking pills to numb the pain. But the media won’t write headlines about that, will they? lying cowards.

HE SACRIFICED HIS OWN HEATLH rather than harming her. THINK ABOUT THAT. 

And you all now can mock him that he’s a drunk or does drug. Having fun with that... and what fun it is. Mocking an abuse victim for being in so much pain he had to do drugs so often to numb himself. Congratulations y’all.

I feel the need to point out, they have 70 000 text messages and THIS is apparently the worst thing they found, him venting to a third party, followed by saying he’d never do it and him harming himself instead. WOW.

Of course saying those things is not exactly okay. But you are lying to yourself if you say that’s not COMMON, to have violent disturbing thoughts about your abusers or people that have hurt you or someone you love. It is common. We’ve all done it. We’ve all wished someone to suffer and die because the pain they caused was so big (sometimes people even say “I’m gonna kill you” about stupid things). The thing is you DON’T actually act on it. You think it to relieve yourself, to vent your frustrations. If you say you’ve never had such a thought, you’re either lying, or have never been hurt.

And to all jumping on this thinking it’s a proof he abused her. Please, wake the hell up. The text doesn’t say “this is what I did”. There is still no evidence against him.

And his one angry text certainly didn’t cancel out the MOUNTAIN of evidence of her lies and her abusing him. It makes me feel sick the way the media jumped on this to report it and the remaining abuse apologists, latched onto it the way they did.

Take a good look in the mirror. You people have tweeted disgusting things about him. Wishing him death, wanting to strangle him, wanting him to die of a serious illness. I used to see these tweets constantly at the high point of the “johnny depp is an abuser” fiasco. So don’t act like he’s the worst person ever for having a moment of anger he put into words. He had every right to feel angry. He still does. This woman along with media DESTROYED him over something he didn’t do. He gets to feel angry. He gets to feel whatever he wants to feel. As long as no one is getting hurt. And well, she’s not burned, is she? So stfu.

I will finish but a little detail most people are again ignoring. Both The Sun and Amber Heard, who he sued, have tried to make the evidence private. WHY? Why would either of them want the evidence private if it proves they are right and he was the abuser? Why is he the one fighting to have it ALL public, even the seemingly bad parts. Why is she the one trying to dismiss the case, where she could prove she’s telling the truth once and for all? Why is Johnny Depp the one fighting to have the case go to trial in front a judge and a jury? Abusers don’t do that. Abusers lead smear campaigns and try to run away from a trial.

[scoutismylittlepogchamp]

im absolutely obsessed with the most bizarre headcanon ever-

uh

like

i just headcanon that young sniper just used to be this feral thing ? whatever the fuck this is. (& at night he changes to the even more horrifying neon sniper)

why ? well uh. you see. people dont give spiels abt Professionnalism™ and shit with that much... whatever the fuck it is that sniper has, unless it’s *personal*

so yeah im saying that. young sniper likely was a HUGE BITCH. like. A GIGANTIC BITCH. probably cussed at people and like here he looks sweet bc i was uh i dont fuckin know havin some real brainrot moment but really just please imagine him flipping the bird to someone instead idfk

he probably killed more than one one night stands & shouted shit like “ILL FCKING KILL YOU” like a big edgelord at people that even remotely looked wrong at him, & didnt hesitate to yell he was crazy & dangerous- and probably had a very “fuck me or fuck off” attitude, and probably was very showoff in a way that could get risky. though he already had a plan to kill everyone he met back then.

it started when his parents got debts due to incidents probably- i don’t know, but either way he took to sniping as a way to help because he was good at shooting animals so why not people, everyone’s always been god awful towards him- & that led him to uh, suddenly have a crap ton of money & because his parents got, well, uh, mad at him for getting dirty money, he decided to pretty much do whatever he wants as long as it upsets them. including dressing up in ways they Definitely would not approve of. he also imo blasted a crap ton of it in shit like cars (hey, know forza horizons 3 ? for me the simple explanation for why in heck is australia Like That in the game is “oh its just set in the tf2 universe australia”) & thats where he got his custom van. & also where he got familiar w rave culture and so on and had that big crisis where he walked around with pink hair and the pure unbridled rage usually found only in chihuahuas

it stopped when he got recruited in RED & got absolutely infatuated with soldier’s weirdass personality, mostly due to a good dose of compliments towards his sniping skills & what he perceived to be “professionnalism”, only for the situation between them to simply. not develop. as sniper grew desperate for more bc who the fuck wouldn’t want more, it’s literally the first time he’s given positive attention by someone that wasn’t his parents or trying to fuck him- anyway. so the anxiety generated by simply. not figuring that out ? why soldier won’t move beyond “you do well your job !” ? it made him lose all of that anger that caused him to act like a huge cunt & the motivation to be this daring about everything, & he also just tried. being different. to see if solly would react. he didn’t because solly can’t get a clue but anyway he just slowly shrank back into just being awkward & sheltered. but with a good unhealthy dose of shame about how he’d behaved in terms of aesthetics and attitude, and a pretty guilty conscience about having killed way more people than what was necessary, and most importantly a lot of regrets about his now broken relationship w his parents. so that made the spiel stick despite its ineffectiveness at seducing the bf. & the whole “sniping is a good job” deal probably is just him trying to convince himself he’s fine & that the life he’s basically stuck having Can’t Be That Bad.

idfk

this is a weird headcanon. i often joked to my friends that eventually, neon sniper would be like emergence/metamorphosis for sniper. let’s just say that this joke no longer is funny now that it’s the case-

there’s more to this headcanon but this is already an insanely long post so. welp

[erica-rayann-fagan]

I think I would have to kill myself if yelawolf was or is cheating on me again.. It would want to kill myself if I can hear or see him do anything as such for I cannot bare it ... I cannot take him being with someone cause I will freak and flip my lid and that's straight up cause I cannot take it that the rage and tug and pull is unbearable..its just fckd up.. I pray to God he gets it this time and he has a wide eyed open experience that makes him see the wrong and God correct and figures out the problem is he is not here in my bed where he belongs .. Or I will die seriously . I cannot do this... Ok please understand how strong this tug and pain and pull is and u cant believe how many patzy panzys get in the way.. Act of jealousy and anger that me and him are together...but somehow YALL are still keeping us apart cause he still is not here and I do not understand nor do I want to.. I just want that to be broken and everyone pray for yelawolf @michealwayneatha and I @ericarayannf and we appreciate it.. I also apologize to those that caught in the crossfire cause its gonna get ugly if your in the way and God is gonna take care of all this cause its taken me and him a long 2 to 3 minutes to get back to being in love and feeling so strong about each other.. I love you @yelawolf #yelawolf #mwa. #yelawolfsaprilonslaught. #yelawolfsslumericanlife #yelawolf&erica @yelawolf_mwaslum @mwa&era #era #hatethosekeepinglovefromhappening we hate you that keep us from being recognized and fcking with our pages and profiles and hate clubs are being formed in my honor as yelawolfs and we cannot stand it.. I hate to the point im and also he too we are homicidal and the rage we have from this so we suggest that all platforms and highlighted names that need to be underlined better be cause we and mainly Yelawolf is fckn pissed off and YALL have caused him such heartache and self destruction that he even thought I was dead and that's fckd up and YALL are wrong to of intervered and you owe us a public explaination and apology and years of agony to make up and figure out wtf happened because we have been so distraught and its horrible to feel this way when we just want to be together. FU https://www.instagram.com/p/CNhehxpL_x5/?igshid=1cuq3r495tcp9

[aquarianlights]

PSA to everyone who knows me and interacts with me:

I don’t know what’s happened to me or what’s happening. I don’t know if their lupus/fibro diagnosis (I’ll know which sometime this month or next) is causing this, if the meds they put me on for it is causing this, if the lack of drugs I have is causing it, if my psych meds are fucked or need to be switched or adjusted or whatever I DON’T KNOW

But I am angry. I have never experienced black-out anger as I have these past few weeks. I spent approximately 6 hours driving and in and out of stores yesterday without any memory or knowledge of it happening because I was blacked out from anger. There is proof in voice clips I sent to both Tiffy and Chelle. It was terrifying for me and those in contact with me.

Usually the only time I black out from anger is when I have weed in my system, if someone is smoking weed in the vicinity of me, or if I have ingested some sort of herbal/natural remedy (ESPECIALLY weed).

I don’t NORMALLY black out from anger without something herbal to stimulate this (normally weed). I will not get angry to the point of beating someone until they stop breathing unless there is something like weed in my system.

Yesterday....I was not in the vicinity of anything herbal. Definitely not weed. There were no chances of me ingesting anything. Yet, somehow, there are 6 hours missing from my day from pure rage.

I am scared. I am hurting myself every night. And it’s not enough. Even if I get enough blood out of myself that I’m lightheaded from blood loss, it’s not enough. No matter how deep I cut, it’s not enough. No matter how many pills I put into my system, it’s not enough. Nothing is enough.

Psychs can’t help me. All they can do is drug me. And I am never going back to anti-psychs. NEVER. And I will NEVER allow myself to be institutionalized again. NEVER.

Psychs are trained to deal with people with depression, anxiety, marital problems, autism, whatever the fuck. . . NORMAL mental illnesses. They aren’t trained for a combination of BPD, schizo-affective disorder, and socio or psychopathy. I REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THEY WROTE DOWN SOCIO AND VERBALLY SAID PSYCHO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS A DIFFERENCE AND I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING SYNONYMOUS UNTIL...until a friend told me when I was diagnosed that there’s a difference.

I’m beyond my limit. I’m to the point at where cutting isn’t enough. Seeing blood pool isn’t enough. Holding globs of blood in my hands isn’t enough. Slicing and stabbing away at myself isn’t enough. I can’t go any deeper. I can’t go any harder. I can’t......

There’s not enough drugs. I can maybe down 10-15 valium with just mild respiratory depression that won’t kill me but I don’t WANT TO EXPERIENCE RESPIRATORY DEPRESSION AT ALL but anything less than that WON’T BE ENOUGH TO NUMB THE PAIN both psychological and physical

And I don’t have enough

I don’t

There’s other things

I have a pain appointment tomorrow at a pain clinic but I dounbt they will be any help since I don’t have all my pill bottles and am mising one key bottle which will make me look like an addict, which I AM AN ADDICT but the fact is, I’m not LOOKING for this script they can give me which is narcotics as an addict. I’m looking at it for a way to FUCKING GET OUT OF BED AND FUNCTION FOR AT LEAST 6 HOURS A DAY. To drive my car, to play with my dog, to walk my dog, to go to school, to get a job, to get an internship, TO FUNCTION TO FUNCTION TO BE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Nsaids don’t work alone, narcotics don’t work alone, THAT’S WHY THIS SCRIPT COULD BE MY SAVING FUCKING GRACE but will they help me like I need to be helped? Probably not because I don’t have all my pill bottles

So wyhen I get home tomorrow after the pain clinic trip....and they deny me like I nknow they will...that will be it. That will be fucking it and I won’t be able to take it anymore

There is a spot on the human body that, if cut, you will bleed out in approximately 20 minutes, give or take, and be unconscious for about 10-15 minutes of that, give or take. But the time you are awake, you will be in excruciating pain. If you can get through that and gt to the point of passing out, you’re solid. As long as no one finds you. But if some CRUEL FCKING PERSON were to call 911 and “save you”, you’d never be able to use your hand again. And for someone with dreams of becoming a surgeon, that’s not something I can risk unless I know for sure no one is going to find me for those FULL 20 FUCKING MINUTES

But I can’t...I can’t guarantee that so I can’t do it.

I’m angry. I’m constantly angry and idk if this is normal with chronic physical pain as bad as mine is. I’m so angry I could beat someone to a pulp until they stop breathing. I won’t, but I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. And boy would it help a fuckton. But I won’t. At least, not today. Not while there’s still this stupid chance of hope I’m giving myself.

is this normal? With moderate-severe chronic pain? With a scary undiagnosed illness? I’ve never dealt with internal physical pain like this that disabled me from doing normal every day activities. I expected to be a completely able-bodied person for life.

And I’m mad. I’m angry. I’M FURIOUS. I WANT TO DESTROY THINGS AND HUMAN BEINGS FROM THE INSIDE OUT! I want to punch someone in their stomach and grab their intestines and rip them out with my bare hands and wrap them around their own throat and stand over them while they struggle to live as the life seeps out of their eyes.

They aren’t just intrusive thoughts anymore. They’re seeping into my dreams. My nightmares? They feel more like dreams because every time I kill someone in my dreams.....I wake up and feel so much more relaxed and so much better mentally.

Is this normal with chronic physical pain? Is anger normal? Are these dreams nromal? Are intrusive thoughts suddenly coming to life in dreams normal? Are intrusive thoughts becoming desires real because of physical pain?

Maybe these meds are interacting with my psych meds or my disorders themselves.

I don’t know who toeven call to help. I’m trying to get in touch with a psych BUT PSYCHS AREN’T TRAINED TO HANDLE PATIENTS LIKE ME. I don’t know who to call or where to go and I WILL NOT BE LOCKD UP AGAIN. I REFUSE. I REFUSE TO BE LOCKED UP AND I REFUSE TO SPEND 7 MORE YEARS DRUGGED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Maybe everything will resolve itself.

A lot of other major life things have just happened so maybe it’s not solely this?

I’m so angry I could kill. Not an animal, ofc. NEver an animal. But a human being? Sure. I won’t. I can’t. But I want to.

FUcking hell I just want the pain to stop. I want everythingto stop. I want to die but I can’t and I don’t even know WHY I CAN’T ANYMORE.

Does it end? Does itever end? Does the pain go away? Do the meds go away?

DOES THE ANGER GO AWAY?

This was intended as a psa to tell yu guys that when interacting with me, I will probably be mean and awful and horrible and maybe even ruthlessly cruel. But...it’s not you. You did nothing wrong.

WHEN DOES IT END!?