#where is the compassion for trans men who dont pass?

[cheesebearger]

yall are aware that if a trans man doesnt pass, he isn't treated by other people as a man, right? and that under bioessentialist patriarchy, only able-bodied, white, affluent, assigned male at birth men will ever be viewed as authentic? and that all other men will only ever achieve a status of "failed man" in the eyes of the bioessentialist system at large?

[zebruh]

lots of people ask me why i take pride in my sexuality when im straight. they say "isnt that like a cishet person being proud of being straight?" and its really not.

yhats like saying a trans woman being proud that shes a woman is the same as a cis woman being proud of being a woman. its not.

one comes from many years and long long hours spent self reflecting and figuring out who you are instead of seeing it paraded everywhere and forced on you from birth. one you never doubt for a second is who you are because when everyone else tells you what youre supposed to be you just go "oh that sounds right ill go with that". while the other is spent staring at this perfect picture that someone has drawn of what they want you to be, but you know its wrong. the terminology seems right, but you can tell its not meant for the real you.

all my life being told im supposed to be straight, attracted to men as a woman. and i just couldnt tell what was off for the longest time. i knew it wasnt right for me, but i couldnt figure it out what wasnt right.

i thought i was a lesbian for the longest time, but i finally came to the realization that im a man and not a woman in any respect.

ive had people from all over the lgbt community telling me that i shouldnt be taking rpide in my sexuality because its not "oppressed". if you talk to any straight trans person, theyll tell you the same thing. theyre treated like theyre not part of the lgbt community because theyre not gay. theyre told that being trans doesnt make you lgbt. that you should be ashamed of trying to live the perfect straight wet dream when youre really gay inside.

ive spent years thinking on my sexuality, and i can confidently say that im not gay. i dont like men in any respect. i only like women and im okay with that. but guess what? im still trans and that fits me under the lgbt umbrella. im still lgbt enough even tho i dont like men. because im trans.

ive had cis people tell me that im really a lesbian in denial. that trans people cant have a sexuality because transexual is their sexuality. ive had trans people tell me once i start passing ill be just as bad as any cishet man.

those people forget that being trans isnt my whole personality, that its not a small part of my personality. they forget that at my core im still trans and being trans has sculpted my outlook of the world. ive had to live under so many different names and identities. ive been able to live in a lot of different peoples shoes to get to where i am now. im not going to forget all of the hell i went thru and give that sort of pain back to those who arent like me. ive had to learn compassion intimately. im not going to forget it the second someone thinks of me as a cis man. i havent forgotten it.

at the end of the day, im going to be happy that ive been able to find out who i am. im going to be happy to learn that im a straight trans man. im going to rejoice in it. im going to live as myself and enjoy every second of it. me living like this isnt the same as a cishet persons enjoyment of their life because im not cis. i will never know what its like to be a man who didnt go thru my struggles.

so, im going to enjoy my life as a straight trans man and rejoice in knowing myself better than what others know me as.

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

There's a sense of grace. Our friend spent a while this evening talking about how he doesn't really Get this trans stuff but everything is ok so long as we are in love and no one is being hurt, and I was thinking...This is where that grace comes from.

It's a thing I associate with older trans women (possibly because of Mrs Madrigal in Tales of the City?), but I suppose also those spider-web men (all strength and fragility in their kaftans), keeping their dignity and kindness, and maybe even the secret of diva anthems, about transmuting your survival into your strength.

I sat there, and it's partly about being a conduit - letting revulsion or misunderstanding flow through you; partly about recognising your inner strength and certainty and knowing no one can take it from you; mostly about love, being able to radiate love and compassion. It's about learning to be the target of glances and questions and to rise above it, or move through it - without bitterness. That's the key. I think I associate this feeling with older queer figures because this is what you need to make it. To not become destroyed by rage. I think there's something I'm understanding (though it could just be our friend chain-smoking weed) about...I don't know. It's knowing how to be questioned and misgendered by someone who, nevertheless, welcomes you into their home and says everyone has the right to be happy, and think "That's good enough", and it isn't really; one ought to push back, but life can't be a fight. You let the hate in, and you let it pass through you, and you are left standing and untouched; and then you radiate back love in return. You find a way to stop the anger curdling inside you. If the world is going to make you a kind of object of question or derision or scrutiny, you find a way to tolerate other people's emotions being sunk into you, find a way to move them through you, and give back the best of what you are.

like many self help concepts, "forgive those who hurt you" is kinda hollow and meaningless as a platitude, not something you can switch on when required. But that doesn't mean...These platitudes dont come from somewhere powerful, if you know how to access it. Breathe it in, breathe it out. Be kind.

[noctomania]

Expression (please excuse the novel length)

I remember back in elementary school when my school district voted on whether to turn my school to uniform policy. It was a public school and i had never felt so attacked before then or felt such a strong opinion about something personally. Mind you, i was maybe...10-12 yrs old (if that). This was a time when my self expression was about to take off and bloom. Suddenly though it was halted by uniform policy. I had heard both sides of it and valid points existed on both sides but i still feel it was wrong to enact because i am an advocate for open self expression (i mean without encroaching on other's rights so like my self expression couldn't be to sit on stranger's laps without invitation for example), mostly because that is how i connect best with people. I can't easily just strike up convo with strangers (trust me i have tried). Back then, it was usually a snarky message on my shirt that would draw people in to talk ("good morning is an oxymoron" or any emily strange stuff for example) I've always relished in (and grateful for) having autonomy over my appearance, it's one of the most rewarding things to be able to almost turn yourself inside out and tell the world "see? Do you see me now?" Whereas uniforms...they felt like a prison, like the erasure of my individuality. It also made everyone else seem so 2-D. Schools sometimes had trouble with students showing up in tshirts advertising alcohol or with inappropriate language on them, which is where I think the uniform idea came through most strongly. The economic hardship was left to the families though. Luckily i was allowed to wear pants and not forced into a skirt. I highly doubt guys would have been allowed to wear skirts though, but i never experienced any situations of that at my particular school. I wasn't social enough though to be sure it never happened. Something similar did occur in my high school years later though but instead of a skirt it was my friend and he would wear makeup but was repeatedly sent to detention for it because it was "distracting" I remember also in high school when i was going to be getting my senior picture which I didn't want in the first place. The senior photos were binary traditional and you had to wear this funny neck garment according to your, or what they assumed to be your, gender. This was all before i knew trans and i just knew i preferred the tux one to the one that looked like a dress. The photographer refused unless i got permission from the journalism teacher and I think the only reason she allowed me was because i was a "good quiet" student. But she was sure to let me know she felt it was highly inappropriate. I remember when i got a free leatherman jacket from being in my high school book club (i am The Coolest™) and we got to choose what name we wanted embroidered on the back. I'm proud to say i have my current name, andy, on it because even though the book club leader/librarian did try to push back on my request and tried to sway me into putting my birth name on it, i was insistent. I still have it and still wear it and otherwise i may not have even taken it. (It was free so turning it down wouldn't have been a big deal to me though I woulda been bummed to not get one even though they kinda forced me to take one anyway? It's complicated and thats all besides the point) See I'm someone who craves expression. I bottle up enough shit. Some things i wanna wear on my sleeves. Or my face. Or my hair. My gender expression has been pretty strong since day one. Not to say I wouldn't or have never gone more feminine in my appearance, it's just to say that i have not been the type to adopt an appearance based on what someone else says i am or should be. I don't feel the need to be absolutely masculine 100% i dont fear that which is feminine or androgynous. And i still remain critical of the unnecessary binary that is forced in societies. The products "for men💪/for women🌼" the bullshit of women just cannot be as strong as men the bullshit that women are inherently emotional moreso then men the absurd concept that to be a woman means to have a pussy and tits and to be a man you needa have a package (because clearly you just lose your identity when you get breast or ovarian or testicular cancer). "SO DUH ABOLISH GENDER SO MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE TREATED THE SAME" To turn a blind eye to the differences and intricacies along the gender SPECTRUM (or any innate identity spectrum) is to pretend we don't all have our own distinctive experiences and issues and is in fact a rejection of them. My gender is expressed how i see fit. Perhaps it is quite masculine and yes i did in fact get some surgery but no surgery is going to turn me cis, no hormones will remove all the experience i had as a AFAB for 20yrs no surgery is going to change my interests. I didn't seek hrt or surgery because of anyone else or to spite anyone or to attack anything, i did it to achieve a sense of Self I had never experienced before due to the limitations of my physical expression. I did it because i know how my mind perceives my body and it's never fit right until now. Like ive been a mismatched set of Tupperware that's finally been organized properly. My lid fits, i am a complete set on my own now, as opposed to trying to fit the mold of other's lids. I didn't change to be someone else, i changed my appearance to match who I Am. FORCED gender roles/expression is detrimental, not because of the gender, but because it's forced; because it's someone exerting (or trying to) inappropriate control where they have no right. Are cisfem who choose to take on the ultimate 50s nuclear family housewife life/look any less valid than a cisfem who refuses to fit any gendered life/looks? Or should both be seen as equal and valid in their accession of and right to their autonomy to identify themselves and express themselves how they see fit without any external criticism/dictation as to what is "right" or "appropriate" based on antiquated and/or irrational factors/ideologies? The point of identity is nobody can tell you what​/who you are. Perhaps they could guess, but that doesn't mean they are right or that they have authority over your identities. it's not a problem that gender exists. It's a problem that is has been monopolized and mutated and mythologized by people (yes of all varieties bc ideologies know no bounds) trying to dictate other's lives. It's a problem that it has been used as a tool to oppress rather than express. I've met just as many misogynistic women as i have men or even trans and non-binary folk. Everyone has the ability to be oppressive of someone else. When you have been oppressed, or fear being oppressed, you might take on an oppressive role yourself as a form of offense before you ever have to face bein on the defense, if you aren't critical of or moderate yourself. Though the effort may come from a place of self-preservation, it can still cause unnecessary harm and even be counterproductive, if not hypocritical. If we approach the problem for what it is (insertion of opinion where it is unwarranted and unnecessary) instead of attacking it's symptoms (gender expression), we will get to the real resolution with less inner-community squabbling. Don't pretend like you can tell someone who they are. You can argue your point without doing this. Don't pretend you are the ultimate source of knowledge for what you are fighting for. If it were all up to you there wouldn't be a movement, just you. Terfs and radfems may believe i should not have transitioned. Perhaps they feel I could have easily just continued to be a "tomboy", as i was frequently referred to as, and just bind my chest for the rest of my life and never feel a real connection with my Self. I would have remained in a state of self loathing and not only forever feeling less than i was meant to be (not because of my female form but because I wasn't able to be my Self) but forever having to face people identifying me incorrectly and always feeling that disconnect in communication when someone rejects or denies your identity. While being trans does still make me (only slightly due to passing standards and me being white) a target for hate crimes, before resolving my identity i was more likely to take my own life on top of still being a target for harassment due to being untraditional in my expression. Me being me, I've never had an issue with bein an untraditional person (very little about me is traditional), but when you have an inner war going on and you know you can do something good about it, I would never sway someone away from resolving that. Honestly i felt more a distance from feminism before transitioning because i never felt right if i tried to "proudly proclaim" bein a woman/womyn. i felt like a fraud which ultimately made me question if i was a feminist at all. Like I didn't not like women, and i was/am a proud feminist, i just didn't feel as if i was a woman and felt more like i was lying when the words came out which did to an extent feel like a form of betrayal to women and it wasn't til much later i understood it wasn't. I tried various forms of gender expression as a female but even in the best case scenarios it didn't sit right. Not knowing who you are foundationally makes it hard to know how you feel about others or how to accept others. Empathy and compassion require a certain level of knowing yourself so you can identify with another on our human level. If you're at fault with yourself it can be hard enough to love yourself much less anyone else. I feel trans-exclusionary feminists are stuck in that same stage i was stuck in when i was resolving my gender identity. But removing the issue from the context of gender kind of helps. Its not the identity itself that i hate, it's being forced into an identity i am not, never have been, and never will be. Imagine being forced to be a different person. How people identify you is all wrong and any time you try to assert your identity it is rejected. It's not an identity you can change (like a religion or a political leaning that may or may not change), but it's something not readily apparent, or is obstructed by the predisposition people may have about you based on what they see you as. You can call a bear a silly man who needs a shave and wears a fur coat but that's not going to change the fact that the bear is a bear, not going to change the bear's needs or instincts (reference from The Bear That Wasn't) I guess my point overall is: distinctive identity titles are born out of necessity, because thise identities exist. Identities also present the opportunity for us to recognize one another's differences and to learn how we connect and where we lack understanding of one another. Identities allow us short hand how to express ourselves verbally, yanno when interpretive dance is out of the question or inapplicable. Expression of identity is integral to feeling a sense of Self, to be able to trust yourself, and to be able to trust others. Identity should never be erased whether it be gender, sexual orientation, race, ability etc. Before I understood my gender identity i was compensating my lack of masculine appearance with overly-masculine attitude instead, which inevitably lent itself to toxic masculinity. I would catch myself acting that way sometimes and earnestly didn't know what was wrong with me. Now i know i was insecure. Now, I'm much more neutral and comfortable in my attitude since I'm not feeling the need to compensate for my appearance with my attitude. My transition was good for me and those around me. It allowed me to be a little less concerned with my issues and more concerned with the issues of a wider community. So I know this is long and I'm sorry. I don't expect anyone to have read this and i doubt that anyone who disagrees with me read it thoroughly (3 times top to bottom) as they should (to avoid making themselves look impulsive and irrational or cherry picking) before asserting their opinion, but here it is now and it's not goin anywhere. Thank god it's my weekend coming up... (Please if you respond do so respectfully. If you only wish to spit at me, do so in a direct message and leave the notes on this open for respectful conversation/debate, thank you kindly!)