#where better than my tumblr blog where I do whatever the fuck I want forever and ever

[discoshhtick]

now that I've let it simmer a few days, god I'm so frustrated with how rushed baldurs gate act3 felt.

Like the first and second acts felt so balanced and well paced and then you enter the third act and it just feels like a wild goose race to finish everything as fast as possible. I did every single side story and mission that the game had to offer, but I felt like act3 was over before it even got to start.

Also that epilogue? It felt like they just rushed to quickly push out something to end the game on something.

I still love this game, already planning on a durge run and replaying act3 as my first character with some different choices, but man what could've been if they gave the last act as much love as the earlier ones

[thebleedingeffect]

Hmmmmm exploring some weird feelings rn that I'm posting on tumblr dot com because hell I've had this blog for a decade now I can post literally whatever the hell I want now forever and ever. This is my dream journal or whatever the tumblr memes say.

Anyway, it's really strange growing up with neglect, chronic loneliness, and isolation that eventually morphs into severe abandonment issues and generalized anxiety. There's alot of extremely mixed emotions all intertwined in my brain now that I'm actually an adult and can look back and understand just what happened. The severe loneliness years on end and just viciously torturing myself for any perceived fault and clinging onto any scrap of love thrown at me. So much so that at a certain point, I was entirely willing to overlook some major questionable stuff cause I was that fucking starved for attention, friendship, and love.

It's much better nowadays, which I'm extremely happy about because no one deserves to feel like they're such an extreme burden that the people around them would've been better off if you were never born. Or believing that you matter so little and affect the world around you in such a miniscule way that it destroys your ability to even reach out and talk to others. No one deserves that. No one deserves to feel like they're a burden or worthless because they dare to exist and be a human being in the world around them. Bare minimum, absolute bare minimum, is that everyone should feel like they deserve to be on the ground underneath their feet and no one should challenge that.

Which is why I'm very happy to be out of that mindset, even though I can lapse back into it if my anxiety is bad enough. It's also nice that I have friends and a much better understanding of both myself and relationships than I ever did, even if I still feel like I'm stumbling in trying to learn what seems natural to others. It's a slow moving process, but it's one I'm willing to learn because I want to affect the ones I love in the best way possible.

I know all of that, I do, and I know that the acceptable, rational thought is the more healthy approach to relationships, whether that be romantic, platonic, or everything in between. The sort of approach that you know is the right thing to do because you want them to be happy and to have other people in their lives and that you don't own them. You know you can't be their everything, but there's a part of your brain that just wants to fucking grab them and become their everything. I know it's the issues talking, but a part of me just wants to be borderline obsessive and even possessive, so much that I just want to own them and they own me. I want them to be mine, I want to be theirs, I want them to think of me and to love me. I want them to be mine more than anything else in the world.

It's just complicated because it's so mixed up in those issues of abandonment and severe, long term loneliness, and it sucks because I know exactly where it came from, but I can't exactly stop it. The only thing I can do is to just try to work through them and approach something closer to "healthy" that's good for everybody, the thing that they deserve and you know is right. But at the same time... god you want them to be yours so badly, you want to be theirs so badly.

Anyway this has been "echo attempting to process the extreme highs and lows of love and how they're trying to dull down the edges of their teeth after being starved from love, companionship, and intimacy for most of their life"

[brick-a-doodle-do]

It's been forever since I've been on tumblr so have an ask for the ask game thing, 1, 2, 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 10, 121, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50

-Small brain anon

sb. you've struck again. just for you, since i haven't seen you in a while, i will answer all of them. except for the ones i have asked: 2, 3, 8, 12, 15, 18, 19, 22, 23, 27, 33, 39, 44, 45, and 50!

answers under cut,,,

1 : if you have a lighter, what color is it?

i have one, but i don't really use it. also i have no clue where it is. it's blue tho!

4 : how often are you on tumblr?

oh god. i have a horrible addiction to like constantly checking it, which i am not proud of and it's really annoying. but i'm not on tumblr for longer than 5-ish minutes before i decide to close the tab. but that cancels out when i open the tab again a few minutes later. trying to fix it. but i am pretty much always on tumblr and check it at the most every 5-6 hours :/

5 : are you only doing this because you're bored?

mmhh when i rbed it, yes, but now i want to do something with my fingers and this is a good fix :D

6 : what blogs do you mostly interact with?

depends on what "interact with" actually means but in terms of actually interacting with blogs that also interact with me, (moots, essentially), it's really only becky and squishy on a day-to-day basis. sometimes 3d and sloth pop up tho. i interact, (in terms of liking, rb-ing, etc.), with a whole bunch of ppl tho ,,,,

7 : can you swim?

yes!

9 : which do you prefer, cotton candy or funnel cake?

if i've had funnel cake, i don't remember it. so cotton candy. but honestly funnel cakes look way better ,,,

10 : have you ever used a fork as a bookmark?

no i have not! i'd easily consider it though ,,

11 : bass or drums?

god both are so awesome. but i'd say bass. BUT my exception for that is mark boardman that man makes their songs so fkn amazing have you HEARD the drums in golden hour or oyygc? LIKE MCXMCMXN his drums with wil's voice is just so lovely.

13 : can we be friends?

yes!

14 : do you admire the clouds and the color of the sky?

all the time. being in a car is so lovely because MMMM SKYYY !!!

16 : a netflix series that's your favorite?

the haunting of hill house/bly manor and midnight club are all beautiful shows and i fkn love them ,,, i also love orange is the new black even tho it isn't a netflix original ,,

17 : an earliest obsession you can remember?

g/t. it's a basic answer but looking back on my life, all the way from when 4-year-old me asked my dad what he would do if i shrunk, to writing a story about a giant when i was in 3rd grade to whatever the hell my fanfiction writing has turned into which started in 2018—it's a BIG part of me and has been for a while

20 : have you listened to the crane wives?

UGHMGDS,VXMCM qasdvkmdscMDFFSDVCX I LOVE THE CRANE WIVES. I AM CONSIDERING ASKING TO GO TO ONE OF THEIR SHOWS CAUSE IT'LL BE IN PHILLY !!!!! I LOVE THEM SMM

21 : your first celebrity crush?

aiden gallagher . don't ask. and it only worsened with tua. but i am out of that phase now ^_^

24 : what have you learned about yourself?

that i'm more like my mother than i ever thought i'd be eueue (in a /neutral way cause she's a great mom i just find myself doing the habits of hers that i never liked)

25 : can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?

ah, no. i've tried once and gave up ,, i hope to eventually be able to do it tho !!

26 : do you believe in aliens?

in a way, yes, because there is a lot in the universe and i refuse to believe there isn't some type of life out there, but it's my same response with ghosts: i want to believe

28 : an unusual song that's your favorite?

LOTS. to narrow down on one, any of my favorite broadway songs. in any scenario i would never put it on a playlist but i fucking love broadway sm it itches something in my brain. probably something from heathers cause that's such a dark humor-ed thing,,,,

also a tv show called earth isn't my favorite but it's really sweet idek why i enjoy it sm <3

29 : the last thing you ate?

candy cigarettes !! the chalky ones

30 : do you have a favorite time to write?

mainly at night, from the hours of 12-1 when i really want to sleep but there's a scene in my head that won't leave >:)

31 : have you gotten bitten by a dog?

of course,, but nothing dangerous just when they accidentally bite while playing

32 : do you write better with a pen or pencil?

my handwriting is better with a pencil but it's easier to write with a pen imo

34 : when you hear "peace" what do you think of?

mmhghh satisfaction on everyone's person.

35 : a school subject you're good with?

honestly i'm pretty good at math. i'm not the best and it gets overwhelming but it always does ,,,,

36 : how many alarms do you have set?

one, (for 9:40 am), and i don't follow it. i mean not usually. i'll either wake up before it, sleep through it, or wake up to it and then fall back asleep eueu

37 : do you shop at thrift stores?

when my mom takes me to one, yeah !

38 : what's the meaning behind your url?

mm i have good stuff for this. my name is brick, of course, and then in the show derry girls one of the characters is constantly saying 'fuck-a-doodle-do' for a few episodes and then i decided to combine the two. it has NOTHING to do with cock-a-doodle-do, chickens do not deserve my respect.

40 : who's your favorite character to write?

i feel like tommy is my go-to, and yeah the narrator for him is fun asf but i like writing techno. he's fun. i like him a lot more than i did before which i'm really happy about because i found his character very intimidating to write :D

41 : you gotta have a favorite beatles song, what is it?

this may change, but it's twist and shout. it reminds me of my dad :D

42 : earphones or a speaker?

earphones for the quiet me-time, and speaker for the times when i'm feeling extroverted or when i'm in the car w my mom :)

43 : what do you remember from your childhood?

this is such a vague question. i uHNMM remember lots of stuff, but mostly my annual trips to disney world with my family !!

46 : a christmas song you secretly like?

there is no secret here, but i LOVE ¿dónde está santa clause? it's mildly racist but i love the ending sm 😭

47 : book stores or record stores?

book stores !

48 : how weird were these questions

i found them pretty neutral eueueu and fvcnhcjfdbbcx ahhhh finally i am at the end !!!!!

49 : what scents do you like?

gasoline and chemical-induced markers...i'm not ashamed to admit that. they're so bad for you but they SMELL SO GOOD why ??????? also i love pinapple scented stuff :D

50 : are there 20 new aus i have to catch up on?

ah, YES. yes there are. they should all be on my masterpost! but that's just the names of them, altho i'm sure if you searched on my page you could find them easily ,,,

,,, ah. well. i'd say thank you for the ask....but am i really thankful? /j of course i am. hope you are having a good day and are doing good ! <3<3

[crowmatic]

I'M ALIVE

I'm gonna be real, I forgot I had this blog...? I literally just happened to stumble upon it a couple hours ago while browsing some tags LMFAO

(If any of my followers are still active, everything below the cut is just me rambling about a lot of personal stuff so ignore this post if ya want :) )

Apparently I've had this blog since September 2015, which is absolutely fucking crazy bonkers to think about. Like bro the fuck you mean I was 13 when I made this?? I wasn't even in high school yet and now I'm going into my third year of university this fall??

It's honestly pretty interesting to see how things have changed for me through the lens of my Tumblr blogs. I don't really have any of the same interests now as I did when I was active on this account (besides art), which I mean I suppose is to be expected when you go from 13 to (almost) 22, but still? Like bro I was posting about MHA, VLD, Homestuck, Yuri On Ice (RIP), Steven Universe, and even goddamn Gravity Falls towards the beginning. Wild

But on a more serious note, it's also very clear to me how absolutely fucking not-okay I was back then. I've found occasional vent posts about hating myself and wanting to die and it's honestly kind of heartbreaking to look back on. Like, I'm not perfect nowadays (there is a lot of room for improvement tbh), but I haven't wanted to die in a long time. I love being alive! It's great! Even when I'm feeling lonely, angry, and sad, I want nothing more than to fix the issues I have so I can live.

And oooohh my god, I made this blog during the time when I discovered I was trans. That's another cool thing. I thought I started identifying as not-cis in mid-2016, but I just discovered a post from December 2015 where I put in the tags that I use they/them pronouns!! So now I know that my gender journey started at least 6 months earlier than I thought!

I don't know dude, it's just really cool to me to find some more of my old stuff, ya know? I'm the sort of person who likes to save absolutely everything, so whenever I find my own ""lost media"" I get super excited, haha. I like seeing how I've grown and changed over the years. It's a nice reminder to myself that I'm not the same, quite frankly, asshole teenager I was back then, even when it sometimes feels like I've made zero progress on myself.

So, yeah. I probably made finding an old blog way deeper than it needs to be, but whateverrrr bro I am alive and I can do whatever I want forever. I'm not gonna use this blog anymore after this post, except to log in every once in a while. My current blog is trail-of-ice. I dunno if anyone's reading this except me, but if anyone is, I guess I just want to say, it does get better. :)

[fuckingrealityshifting]

This account is mostly inactive.

I have left shifting.

I STILL LURK on tumblr itself so a random post or random ask response may happen. Everything on this account will be left up bc the effort of deleting or pirating every. Single. Post is a no. I might check my old stuff in the inbox occasionally to see if there’s anything I want to answer but otherwise I will be leaving the asks and such

Here is this big Masterpost thing with a bunch of links here. Here is the old pinned post. Off a quick search here are some active shifting accounts sorry for the tags: @shiftingshiftingshifting (hi) @my-reality-my-rules @shiftingxsparkles

1. Do I no longer believe in shifting?

Yeah no I rly don’t. Maybe deep down it’s hard to fully shake a belief you’ve gotten into for like a year or whatever. But like…. no. I just know I’m frustrated at myself by the way I brought it here and I feel guilty about the role I played in creating the community here. Because it’s just… aaah.

Because let’s be honest. Nobody here is using it for anything other than escapism—there is like, no shifting blog with a DR that’s not centered around a fun piece of media or a fun scenario or something. You have to admit it. Even if you don’t think you’re doing it, it’s just really escapism.

And because of the demographic on this site you really have a bunch of teens looking for spiritual explanations for things that are to others clear mention health issues or just common stuff (dissociation, hallucinations, sleep paralysis) and it’s just…… Ah.

AND guys. The CIA documents don’t prove shifting. They really do not. There are better explanations on this but like. Have we actually read them…? Or do we just parrot the ‘proof?’ Like. Ancient cultures had shifting. WHAT ancient culture? I’ve seen the rare mention of Hinduism. And the evidence for that is WHERE? Evidence. What specific source?? There never is one. The response is usually passive aggressive abt doing ur own research or not demanding answers…. because they probably don’t know. I’ve LOOKED. I just don’t see it anywhere?? Or heard even why people say that?? I’m literally begging anyone to point me somewhere. Y’all don’t know and you don’t know because I also didn’t know! I didn’t fact check anything when I echoed it or believed it. I just accepted it. I do not think I’m the only one. I know I’m not.

Are we going to talk about the shifters who’ve admitted they lied, and the implications they have? I’m not big on shifting tiktok so I can’t remember names but I’m pretty sure there’s been multiple decent sized shifting creators undergo drama about admitting to lying. And then everyone goes like THIS OTHER CREATOR WOULD NEVER <3 genuinely how do u know that cause people probably said that about the one who just got exposed ?

There is a major issue with clear mental health experiences being interacted with, encouraged, and worsened by others. Seeing shit and hearing shit, major dissociation, experiences that doesn’t make sense within the concept of reality shifting and the logic that’s in place—it really sounds like unchecked psychosis and other mental illness is being encouraged by people who take anything as shifting related. Some of y’all don’t need to be told you’re getting closer and closer or that you minishifted or whatever. You need help. Me included! I wasn’t shifting. I was mentally ill. Nobody in the shifting community recognized that because rarely anyone can differentiate.

I don’t even want to mention the suicide parts of respawning. Who knows if people actually killed themselves and it wasn’t just internet rumors? It may be true but I’ve never seen a source. But the whole thing as a concept? People trying to leave this reality forever, involving death or not? We really should have paid more attention to that as a community and asked what we were doing that could bring about something as fucked as that rather than just going We Don’t Do That Here. Like in hindsight…. Oh Boy

Let’s say shifting isn’t real. It doesn’t matter if you believe, you always have to acknowledge there’s a chance you’re wrong. And in that scenario: these kids dissociated and killed themselves because of us as a community. We’re just going to shuffle away from that?

And okay, let’s say shifting is real: I’ve seen people ask why they should care about this reality if they’re just going to shift, I’ve seen people talk about how disconnected they got with this reality because of shifting. If it’s real it’s a Big Fucking Thing and I just think it’s often being used recklessly because we are young. Adults in the community are usually like, 20 to 25 at BEST. They are still young. Yes I’ve seen a few exceptions but that generalization is based off the majority of what I have seen. Age has been so warped by the concept of minors versus adulthood where it’s like once you’re legally an adult people think you’ve got the mental capacity of someone who’s 60. Your brain is still developing. In the grand scheme of things, you are still young. Most importantly: You are still impressionable. You are still more susceptible to mental health struggles due to your place in life.

And I’m gonna be so honest: yeah yeah no timeline to shift but. I really haven’t seen one person from the old days of shiftblr who’s successfully shifted since then. More and more people I see in shifting comment sections are asking for help because it’s been years and it hasn’t happened yet. How large are we gonna grow as a community with nobody but a select few having shifted? How long are we going to wait without ever questioning it? And additionally, a lot of people after a long time ‘shift’ with lucid dreaming method and I would like to point that out. Or just minishift (?) or shift once and can’t for a long time.

2. What’s your opinion on spirituality in general then?

Idk I had this question up for a while as a “I still believe in manifestation’ disclaimer to try and soften the blow of leaving but I don’t care abt any of that anymore—the point abt shifting is I truly don’t believe it’s another reality but that people are finding ways for like intense mediation/lucid dreams that mimic reality.

Bottom line, I just want a fresh start away from this. I don’t like being a Person People Look To For Advice. Like if someone’s going to make a video essay on shiftblr one day I don’t wanna be An Even Bigger Part than I very well might be

Like I don’t want to overestimate my importance bc I am sooooo super irrelevant now. But I would like to point out I started a lot of these hashtags the community used. I came up with #shiftblr. If memory serves, I was the first exclusively shifting centric account. I know at least another account had mentioned it before, but I’ve been around a while.

I’m not someone who’s leaving because I’ve gone off the rails crazy, or because it didn’t work, or I’m turning on shifting because I just tried it once and decided it must be false. I was fully immersed in this community and STILL made the decision to leave. If you can’t handle that, if you still feel like I haven’t tried it ‘right’ or I’m misunderstanding stuff and THAT’S why I don’t believe, if u keep finding annoying justifications like it’s impossible for someone to validly stop believing, you annoy me. please leave me alone at this point it’s been ages

[ameliasbitvh]

ahhhh! thank you all soso much for the 300 followers! i just hit 200 last week?! how are there 300 of you? i honestly don’t know, but i started this account as a place to just read smut and then i decided to post on here. the reason why my first post was angst was because i was being a slut for angst to feel something in those few moments- okay i’ll stop myself right there. for this milestone i’m going to do mutual appreciation for the moots i’ve interacted with the most so far! (if we’re moots and u wanna interact pls do, i’m not scary!)

okayy first up,

@underappreciated-spoon-321

i love you so much bby, i could not believe it when you followed me. i was legit crying happy tears and i specifically remember you followed me after i posted “needy” random lol.

your writing is immaculate, absolutely lovely. ur smut *chefs kisses* i love that you put up with my shit photos that i send you and that you actually ask for more- but it baffled me when you first interacted with me, this was my reaction

*deep breath* “omfg! (ur username) just interacted with me, wtf do i do?!” also ur nick name reminds me of belly from dear, draco.

i’m not writing a lot, bc for your sleepover i wrote you a damn paragraph 😭 but i love u sm belly!! 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

@dracoskinks

ARI! i love talking to you, bc i can talk about anything and when i say anything i mean anything. like kinks, porn, random draco scenarios, etc… you are one of the funniest people i have seen on this app.

ur blunt and funny at the same time, it just makes it more fun to talk to you. ur smut is soso good, bc i don’t find a lot of smut with a dom!reader and sub!draco.

i remember you followed me, so out of curiosity i checked out your blog and saw your piss kink fic and that did it for me. after that i followed you back and we became moots ajnwja. when ur first account got terminated you scared me so fucking much, because i thought you were going to leave tumblr forever. don’t. ever. play. like. that. again. i’m glad we became moots bc i fucking love you <3

@opalsheart

I LOVE YOU SM! i think u were the first moot that i interacted with in direct messages, bc you had tea to spill, and ever since than we’ve been #4lifers. you send me edits and hate on t*m felton with me on instagram. you were the first mutual to know what i looked like lmaoo. u r an absolute goddess, bestie, like what- i know that you can pull anyone you want, so stop playing when you talk about someone.

even though we have a fucking 12 hour time difference, we still find time to talk to each other. it is so fun talking with you and the fact that when we talk it’s night for one of us. you let me send that stupid tik tok of ed sheeran and t*m felton to you and it probably haunts your dreams now ajnwajsj-

i appreciate that you study ur MF ass off for your exams, bc i could never. and you even send me those cute memes when i wake up- also we better be watching those true crime documentaries, bc i’m still waiting. idc if we have a time difference :) anyways ILY SM ELLIE !! <3

@laceycallisto

okay- where do i even get started with this. we first interacted when i reblogged that draco fan fic and we reblogged talking about how desperate we were trying to find that iconic fic. and i forgot that the creator could see all the reblogging we were doing- you texted me directly about adding my name into your tags, which obviously i agreed to. then we just started talking about random shit like how we were superior because we were june geminis. or how we talked about being in love with remus lupin.

i have vivid flash backs of how your remus fic hurt me. i cried my false lashes off proof reading janajaj- bestie- you’ve seen me cry ajnwja- your writing is ethereal, i don’t know how you can see that? your so nice too, like girly u gave me ur netflix within like a day of knowing each other 💀 we watched bridgerton in two mother fucking sittings. we ate that bridgerton hoe up!

all ur input on the scenes were so funny like the “with child” and “dicking” comments 😭 i love how it’s so easy to talk to you about everything, like how dumb i am- even talking about the privilege of being poc and not burning in the sun. bruh u even let me tag u in dumb tik tok videos, like what?! and i think your the only mutual i have that’s in the same time zone as me… also we better binge the next season. but ily sm, ur like my older sister, even if u say ur life is shitty 😭 <3

@dracomalfoys-wh0re

honestly, kacia. i owe a lot to you for my account being “found” or whatever, bc you reblogged a fic of mine, i’m pretty sure it was “common room” and that’s when i started getting notes and followers najajwjwj- you might not know that but i do 💀 i will forever remember that.

you literally were one of the first accounts ever- to follow me. and i won’t lie, i went crazy when u followed me because i love your fics so much! you are so funny and blunt too i swear 😭

and can we talk about your tom riddle fic? like?!the fact that you really showed tom’s true personality and character. every world had me enthralled further into the fic, the way you wrote him is exactly how i think tom riddle would act towards his s/o. his toxicity and gaslighting is too accurate.

moving on from the discussion of your fic, which is amazing, ily sm babe!!

@yoooespinosa

we’ve interacted a few times and when u texted me directly saying that you thought i was sweet, i literally went, “omg- people think i’m sweet” in a good way, not bad jkwajjw- can i just get started on your writing, because oh. my. fucking. god. it is the most captivating and heart breaking thing i’ve ever seen- the emotions that you put into every word completes the entire fic. every angst piece that you have written, made me cry or made something inside me just twist with sadness. it is truly lovely and magnificent.

how do ur fics not get thousands of notes? because everyone should see what you write, it’s unfair that others haven’t seen your fics. when u explained your dream to me, i swear you practically wrote a whole fic 😭

i remember u said that you wanted to do a face reveal, but we’re scared. bestie what are you scared of? you look like an ANGEL!! and if anyone were to disagree, they are obviously blind. but ily bestie <3

@o-rion-sta-r

BESTIE BAE ORION i love you so much!interacting with you is honestly so fun. and i remember like literally yesterday we were trying to figure out ari’s time zone and we were freaking out. you, ari, and me all have a fucking time difference 😭 it sucks so much!

at least every day you ask me how my days been and i think that’s so sweet, because before i got on tumblr people didn’t ask that question. i appreciate that you ask me that and just random questions in general, because i love interacting with you so much. and you should start writing bby! i will reblog anything you write, also ily sm <3

@ilygw

we don’t talk a lot, but you seem like a fun person! i love seeing all the edits you post on here, bc honestly i need more ferret boy content. i know there is a lot, but i feel like i’ve seen all of them. until i see you posting a new edit and i’m like, “okay… i guess i haven’t seen every draco edit” but that’s all i have lol, ly!!

@arcaneslut

to be honest, you seemed so intimidating to me. i know you said you’re not, but to me you seemed really scary even though i knew you weren’t 😭 i just interacted with you recently and you are so sweet i swear! i love all ur fics, especially “and then i felt nothing” because when i read this fic you better believe i was crying so hard- to the point where i couldn’t breath- everything was written so beautifully, i couldn’t believe it.

i love how one thing we share in common is losing our phones 💀 but i just wanted to say thank you for explaining the whole sleepover and celebration things to me! even tho we just started interacting i already love u!!

moots bc i’m in love with all of them: @just-a-smol-spoon @dreamy-clousds @dracoskinks @unedibledaisyduck @thatsassyhufflepuff @a-aexotic @l0vely-lupin @gothboutique @wolfstar4lifee @littlemissnoname13 @deatthfairy @arcaneslut @ladyvesuvia @laceycallisto @dracossweetprincess @the-lonely-poet-loves-to-weep @realityblocked @harmqnia @yoooespinosa @opalsheart @lilscloud @cupids-crystals @mellifluousart @lunas-kisses @malfoysmainb @klauscarolove @crystxlss @beforeoursunsets @marrymetheonott @queeriacs @electriclocean @dlmmdl @o-rion-sta-r @sfdlm @ilygw @desiredmalfoy @underappreciated-spoon-321 @draco-and-tom @hellounicorn @mugglesthesedays @dracomalfoys-wh0re

if i didn’t tag u it’s bc i can’t tag more than 50 blogs :(

[fanfic-corner]

Tumblrversary - 21st June 2021

It's official: I've been on this cursed site as this blog for a full year now. I'm not sure what exactly I've gained from the experience, other than more new friends than I can count and whatever the fuck November 5th had going on. Anyway, this is every single thing (of note) I've posted this year for you to peruse at your leisure, but mostly so my dumb ass can find it later :)

Destiel fic recs

My all time favourites

Alternate Universes

Apocalypse/Dystopia AU

Cafe AU

College/Uni AU

Soulmate AU / pt 2

Word Count

Under 2,000 words

Under 10,000 words / pt 2

Episode Specific Fics

15x18 Fics

15x19 Fics

15x20 Fics

Other Ships

Sabriel

Holidays

Halloween

Christmas / pt 2

New Year's

Sexualities

Asexuality and other a-spec identities

Bisexual Dean

Tropes

Bed Sharing

Case Fics

Established Relationship

Major Character Death

Slow Burn

John Winchester is an Asshole

Writer!Castiel

Wattpad

Fluff

Other fic recs

Ineffable Husbands

Natsby

Professor Layton

Cockles

A-Spec Across Fandoms

My writing

After (634 words) - AO3

Dean Winchester was dead.

You Only Live Once (1,238 words) - AO3

“Hello, Dean,” Cas replied, his frown matching Sam’s. “What are you doing up?”

“I’m allowed to leave my bed, guys.” Dean pouted, plopping himself safely out of spaghetti splatter range. “I’m only dying. It’s no biggie.”

Heaven's Honeysuckle (2,591 words) - AO3

Dean is only meant to pick up the flowers for his brother's wedding, but the kind man with the blue eyes who works there keeps dragging him back to the small shop.

'I love you' (420 words) - AO3

"I love you."

Dean just stares at him.

All Alright (1,403 words) - AO3

Two people die every second. It was a fact Dean had learnt many years ago, from some shitty game show on some crappy motel room tv. Two people die every second, and Dean couldn’t help but feel like they were always people he knew.

A State of Normal (457 words) - AO3

Slowly, life returned to a state of normal that Dean hardly recognised.

Forever Intertwined (358 words) - AO3

Castiel was no longer an angel of the Lord. He did not have the power to grip anyone tight and raise them from perdition. In fact, for all intents and purposes, he was human.

That didn’t mean that there wasn’t anything he could do while he waited for his love.

nothing ever really ends, does it? (3,397 words) - AO3

Five different endings to Supernatural, because they deserved better. Each one is self-contained, and they are all varying lengths.

Darling, So It Goes (4,652 words) - AO3 / post

When Dean gets asked to be Santa for Jody and Donna's Christmas party, he does not expect it to end with a litre of chocolate milk over a homophobe's head, but he is all too eager to help out a man in need.

Wrapped in Red (7,265 words) - AO3 / post

New at being human, Castiel doesn't know a lot about Christmas traditions, but when a case involves them infiltrating a couple's only Christmas party, Cas wants the full experience.

Including mistletoe.

5 Birthdays Dean Had Without His Angel, and the One With (1,516 words) - AO3 / podfic / post

Six different January 24ths, and how Dean celebrated.

Who We Are (17,331 words) - AO3 / post

It was supposed to be easy: barge into the Empty, rescue Cas, confess his love, be back in time for dinner.

The man Dean rescued was not the Cas he knew.

Suez, My Beloved <3 (507 words) - AO3 / podfic by mistbornhero / post

There has been too much calm in the world.

Season 16, Time For A Wedding! (12,332 words) - AO3 / post

Dean and Castiel are inviting you to share in their celebration of marriage.

+ Dinner and reception after!

Whoever wasn't expecting chaos had clearly never met the Winchesters.

Gay or European ( ADD LATER ) - AO3 / post

When the British contestant for this year's Eurovision Song Contest is suddenly out of the competition, it's left to four Americans and their Irish friend to take the microphone.

Paige, their manager, has not packed nearly enough painkillers for the chaos this trip will cause.

death may love you more ( ADD LATER) - AO3

On a hunt gone wrong, Dean finds himself possessed by an old enemy of the Winchesters. Bela is out for revenge, and she is hell bent on ruining Dean's life through any means possible.

If that means breaking the angel's heart, then, well...

Tumblr Ficlets

Don't Mention It

23 (for an ask game)

Supernatural: The End

"You love her, don't you?" (Thasmin)

Podfics

Building the Michael Sword: Some Assembly Required (10 minutes)

Castiel gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition, everybody and their mother knows that. What is less well-known, however, is that he was also responsible for re-assembling the body.

Which he did with all the grace and patience of a man putting together a particularly difficult IKEA bunk bed.

The Tea is Decaf (25 minutes)

Based on this text post from thebloggerbloggerfun: "Listen, imagine Eileen sneaking out of Sam’s room at night to go to the bathroom or something and steps out into the hallway in one of Sam’s shirts only to see Cas trying to quietly leave Dean’s room while wearing one of Dean’s shirts and they both just stare at each other awkwardly for a few seconds before trying to muffle quiet laughter and now they have a late night club where they talk about life and gossip about the Winchesters in sign language"

And this anon I received: "what if Eileen and Cas discover there are some things Sam and Dean both do in bed because Dean jokingly gave Sam pointers when they were younger and Sam took the advice"

[pigstepmp3-moved]

holy hell, gamers, i finally reached one whole thousand followers! how bonkers is that! when i first made this blog in december 2018, i was just trying to start over in a new fandom. ive been active on tumblr for a looong time (since i was like 11, which is. not great, but we wont get into that). i cant remember quite why i decided to remake, but i never imagined getting a higher following than i did before, but i did! 1000 followers is bonkers, i’ve never had a thousand of anything! i seriously cant thank each and every one of you enough, whether you followed me for 911 or for mcyt or for whatever!

now, since ive reached this absolutely bonkers milestone, im feeling particularly sappy! so under the cut, i have some friends and mutuals tagged who are super great n who are always an absolute pleasure to see on my dash! <3 again, thank you all so much! (ps, if we’re mutuals and i didnt tag u in this, that doesnt mean i dont love and appreciate you!! i mostly am just picking people to tag based off how often i see them on my dash! i love all of u so much <3)

♡ 911 FRIENDS ♡

(aka the ogs, aka the fire fam)

♡ @lovelessmotel ♡ emily!! god, where do i even begin with how much i love and adore you!! i know youre one of my big sisters, but wow i am so proud of how much youve discovered yourself since we’ve met!! like wow, look at this epic, gorgeous person whos one of MY close friends! im so lucky to be friends with you! thank you so much for being my friend, i appreciate you and all the sisterly advice you’ve given me more than i can ever put into words!

♡ @eddiediaz-buckley ♡ sav!! mom!! i love u so unbelievably much!! i am so unbelievably grateful for you and everything youve done for me! all the advice youve given me and all the times youve let me vent to you have been so important to me and i cannot thank you enough for all that. im soso appreciative of you and im so glad that i have someone as amazing as you as my mom/big sister (we’ll never really figure out our fams family dynamics, will we?) (ps, whenever i go outside and have my keys with me, its always so comforting to feel the keychain you got me! its like my moms with me everywhere i go!)

♡ @liesoverthec ♡ bonbonbonbon!!! i love you so much, you wouldnt BELIEVE how much i love you!!! im so glad we met bc you are so unbelievably kind!! there is a very good reason a nickname for u is bonbon bc you are just as sweet as candy!! maybe even more so!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, you give such wonderful advice and talking to you always makes me feel a million times better!! i love you and i am soso glad i get to call you my friend!

♡ @marauder-girl ♡ sabsabsab!! i love u so much, u funky lil future lawyer!! im so proud of u and i can hardly believe ur gonna be my Lawyer big sister!!! thats so awesome!! i cant believe such a rad person is one of MY friends!! how lucky am i!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, youre so kind and funny and talented and your advice has always been so helpful to me too! thank you so much for being my friend and for always being there for me!!

♡ @nighting-gale17 ♡ cait, my love, my wifey!!! wowowow i love u so much!!! im so glad we’re friends, you are so unbelievably lovely!! youre also so unbelievably talented like??? hey queen wanna hand some of ur writing ability over to the unfortunate (like me). i’m so glad we’re friends, youre so sweet and even tho we dont talk as much as we used to, i still have SO much love for you in my heart

♡ @africaneuropean ♡ rae, my father!! i love u so much!! i know we havent talked at all in. who knows how long. but i still have so much love for u in my heart!! you are so iconic and cool and funny, im so glad i met you n became friends with you!! ur one of the coolest people i know, i hope i can be as cool and mysterious and wonderful as you one day

♡ @evaneddie ♡ DHYL!!! dhyl pickle i love u so much!!! whenever u pop into my inbox with random nice messages, every part of me lights up!!! u are so kind to me and for what!! i miss talking to u as much as we used to, you are so sweet and you are such a good friend!! i love u n im SO proud of how far youve come with gif making, i still remember when u first started n youve gotten SO amazing at gifs lately!! i love u soso much n im so glad we’re friends, youre so awesome!!!

♡ @basil-the-writer ♡ des!!! i love u so much!!! i know we’ve never rly talked all that much but im glad we have interacted in the ways that we have!! u are so sweet n so talented!! like the fact that u have the patience for those lil video edits u do?? that is so cool!! all ur edits are so cool, i cannot imagine being able to make stuff like that without dying every single time. u are so cool n i love being able to call u my friend!!

♡ GRIFF ♡

(aka griff)

♡ @yawnralphio ♡ u get ur own section bc u are my only 911 friend who isnt an og, but thats ok bc u are so swaggy!! i love being friends with u griff, u are so cool and funny and i am so glad that u still want to be friends with me despite all of the horrifying things u’ve learned about mcyt from me jdhfajkdhfa. i love u so much n i am so excited to get to know u more n get closer to u!!

♡ FRUITBLR ♡

(aka mcyt friends)

♡ @fear-epidemic ♡ atlas u are so swaggy and funny!! tumblr funny man!! im so glad we’re mutuals, i love u a whole lot. that one time u me n wilby played bed wars together was so fun even if we’re really bad! n that one time we played on the fruitblr server while on vc was so fun, i loved talking to u n playing with u so much, we gotta do that again sometime. i love u so much chapin n im so glad we’re friends!!

♡ @netheritedream ♡ hari my beloved... i love u so much. like literally so much that its really embarassing. i am so glad u tagged me in that one follow forever post n put the offer on the table to let me join the server. i love being ur dumb lil husband!!! jus like actual fundy, i would risk it all to watch treasure planet with u. i love u sososo much, i wish i could live closer to u so i could actually talk to u more often </333 im going through severe withdrawal, pray for me. im gonna stop talking for now bc if i kept going on, this post would be several miles along n nobody has time for that </3 just know that i love u so much and i love having matching icons n i love being ur husband, i love u so much

♡ @sootswilbur ♡ tommy... i care you so much. little bromther!!! im sososo glad we’re friends bc u are so kind to me all the time n u are so easy to talk to!! ur also so talented, ur writing n ur gifs are so amazing n im so proud of all the awesome stuff u make!! seeing u experiment more with ur gif sets n trying new things is so awesome n inspiring and i love seeing ur experiments work out!! i love u soso much n im so happy to be ur big brother!! (or one of them at least)

♡ @fruitbur ♡ virgil my Other beloved... i love u so much!! u are one of the kindest people ive ever met n im so glad i met u!! i know ive already told u this before but ur tagging system is so sweet n i love seeing u reblog my posts bc im like “yay alastair is gonna tell me that he loves me in the tags :D” i also lovelovelove ur theme, i love the soft pink and the lil aesthetic board that u have pinned, its so nice to look at!!! ily sososo much <333

♡ @theartofmining ♡ hey fruit ily. like genuinely, u are so unbelievably funny that u make my ribs hurt so much. i know we’re like never rly that serious but i love u so much. as much as i joke about hating u, i really am glad we’re friends n i really look forward to becoming better friends with u. i love u a whole lot rain, i love seeing u on my dash bc ur full of good takes n funny posts

♡ @sapnaplive ♡ dream.... bonks our foreheads together... i care u so much. my other half!!! i love u with my whole little heart. u are soso cool and im so lucky to be able to call u my friend!! ur themes are always so cool, i wish i could be half as cool as them!!! ur art is also so epic like??? u are a triple threat: good at art, tumblr themes, AND minecraft building. and ur also so kind!!! u are one of the sweetest people i know, i love u so much and im so glad im friends with u!!

♡ @dreams-little-kitten ♡ corn u are so weird and i mean that in the kindest way possible. u are so cryptic n i love that so much about u. ur like the wilbur to my philza sometimes and i think thats so awesome. that one time u came into my inbox to talk shit about that one cuphead boss was so funny and absurd, i loved that so much. i love You so much. i love how ur just so effortlessly funny, n im so glad i can be friends with u

♡ @dreamsmp ♡  JEL!!!! i love u so much holy cow. u are so sweet!! all the time!!! ur also so talented, ur gifs always look so good!!! i love being friends with u, ur always so nice to me n u always leave rly nice tags when u reblog my gif sets that make me so happy!!! i think about that one time u rbed my fundy gif set n said “FUNDY GIFS” and “GIFS BY FUNDY” it made me so happy!!! i love u a whole lot, im so glad we’re friends :)

♡ @leaguelol ♡ damien!! i love u so much u funky little cryptid!! i love when u pop into the gc just to share cryptic thoughts, u are so strange but i think thats so cool of u!!! i honestly see u kinda like a lil sibling, im always so proud of u when i see ur art on my dash!! u are so talented at art!! i love u so much n i love being ur friend, ur rly sweet n i love seeing u on my dash and in the gc!!

♡ @its5undy ♡ idk why im putting u on this, ur my mortal enemy. jkjk, i actually love u a lot clay! i love joking around with u, ur so funny and for what. im so glad u joined the gc bc i love talking to you so much!! i still love that one time u reblogged that fwt gif set n tagged me in it moments after I reblogged it. i love that u thought about me, that rly warms my heart! i love being friends with u sososo much

♡ @cavalreee ♡ oh hey, another great big fruit!! i dont think we talk all that often, which is a shame, bc ur so sweet!! and also so fucking funny, why is everyone in this friend group so fucking funny, its not fair. i love seeing u on my dash talking with ur other friends, u always have the funniest convos ever. also? ur desktop theme is SO epic, it threw me off the first time i saw it but its so swaggy, just like u!! i love u soso much azzie, n i hope we can talk more in the future bc ur so cool

♡ @technosoot ♡ i love u even tho ur a br*t /j /j /j. jannat u are so unbelievably sweet. im so glad u joined the gc bc u are such a kind presence both in there and on my dash! u radiate very Warm, Friend energy. ur friend shaped. i love u so much n i love being friends with u!! im very eager to become closer friends with u bc u seem like a really amazing friend to have

♡ @sortasortaspicy ♡ les where are u in the gc i miss u </3 i love u so much, u fit in so well from the very beginning n brought so much more fun and laughter into the gc. i dont know u all that well n i dont think we’ve talked one on one like. at all. but id love to get closer to u bc ur so rad and ur so sweet!!

♡ EPIC PEOPLE  ♡

(aka mutuals who are so cool n id love to be friends with u pls talk to me)

@eurytherm ♡ @vampkings ♡ @weelbur ♡ @wilburtheesoot ♡ @quackityskarl ♡ @wimblrscoot ♡ @technofarmer ♡ @wooteena ♡ @bloodforblood ♡ @smpsapnap ♡ @literallynotfound ♡ @hearty-an0n ♡ @enderanboo ♡ @springbonniecpu ♡ @pandascanpvp ♡ @tommylnnits ♡ @strawberrygogy ♡ @timedeo ♡ @nymika-arts ♡ @h-isforhome ♡ @eboykarl ♡ @joe-alkaysani ♡ @betwecouldmakesome ♡ @squirrelstone ♡ @maddieandchimney

[amispnrewatch]

SPN 1x06 “Skin”

Okay, I’m gonna try to type while I watch this time instead of forgetting this blog exists until the episode is almost over.

You can tell the footage for the previously on segment was saved on a VHS copy instead of the original film that the show was shot with because even in the HD iTunes version I have it looks low quality as fuck. And jumpy in the way that brings me back to my teens watching the WB all the damn time.

I love this song. WTF is this song. Shazam says “Good Deal” by Mommy and Daddy. I… have no comment, except that it sounds like everything I was listening to in college at the time this shit was airing.

Aaaaand not!Dean turns around to face the SWAT team after obviously torturing some woman. THAT is a cold open.

I wanna know what that car is in the background. It’s pretty. Maybe a convertible Impala? They have similar grills. This is not at all important.

Also, I love that with these higher definition versions of the episodes you can see that Sam’s email is lawboy and whatever dot com and that people in the fandom have started calling him Law Boy. It’s hilarious.

DEAN: Well, what exactly do you tell ‘em? You know, about where you’ve been, what you’ve been doin’?

SAM: I tell ‘em I’m on a road trip with my big brother. I tell ‘em I needed some time off after Jess.

DEAN: Oh, so you lie to ‘em.

SAM: No. I just don’t tell ‘em….everything.

DEAN: Yeah, that’s called lying. I mean, hey, man, I get it, tellin’ the truth is far worse.

SAM: So, what am I supposed to do, just cut everybody out of my life? (DEAN shrugs.) You’re serious?

DEAN: Look, it sucks, but in a job like this, you can’t get close to people, period.

Aaaaand now I have Dean and Cassie feelings again and we haven’t even gotten to her episode yet.

SAM: No, man, I know Zack. He’s no killer.

DEAN: Well, maybe you know Zack as well as he knows you.

Aaaaaand now I have Dean and Lee feelings and we’re nowhere near Lee’s episode in season 15.

YOU JUST BLEW THROUGH A STOP SIGN DEAN WTF.

Little Becky. Oi with the reusing of names.

Of course Sam made friends with a bunch of rich kids while he was at college in a desperate attempt to try to be normal.

SAM: You know, maybe we could see the crime scene. Zack’s house.

DEAN: We could.

REBECCA: Why? I mean, what could you do?

SAM: Well, me, not much. But Dean’s a cop. (DEAN laughs.)

DEAN: Detective, actually.

I love that Dean was like “how dare you call me that.”

Okay, after a bit of research, I totally want to take a day trip to Bisbee, Arizona, but it’s already in the 90s here in the desert and it’s not even May so that trip is going to have to wait until… winter or something. There is no way in hell I’m going deeper into the desert when the weather gets hotter.

It’s a historic mining town tourist trap looking place now which is exactly the kind of shit I love.

SAM: Bec, look, I know Zack didn’t do this. Now, we have to find a way to prove that he’s innocent.

I mean, not technically, technically you would 1) NOT FUCK WITH A MURDER INVESTIGATION YOU’RE NOT LEGALLY INVOLVED IN BECAUSE ANYTHING YOU FIND WOULD BE INADMISSABLE IN COURT 2) find evidence to provide a reasonable doubt for the jury that he did commit the crime. You know, like a lawyer would need to do, Law Boy.

DEAN: I just don’t think this is our kind of problem.

When I made my husband watch this show with me (he’s seen it all at least once now over the years) this is the recurring thing that drove him crazy.

You guys can’t even go in through the back door? Or shut the front door behind you? Really?

REBECCA: (tearfully) Well, there’s no sign of a break-in. They say that Emily let her attacker in.

Yeah, that doesn’t even really mean that she knew her attacker. Just that it was someone she let her guard down around or got in some other way. See: The Son of Sam and Nightstalker, etc.

Love the pinup magnet on the fridge. I’d throw shade at that, but I have a pinup magnet on my fridge too so… pot kettle and all that.

Okay, both people in the next couple are gorgeous.

And oh wow those special effects changing eyes… wow.

This poor couple. I feel so bad for them in this episode.

How… how are the police gonna explain the way he was able to beat himself over the head with a bat??? I…

I love that 5:30 in the morning on TV is clearly like… 10 AM.

Okay, this is a really unrelated point, but the graffiti on the dumpster here reminds me of the Teen Wolf fandoms use of the name Void!Stiles when Stiles Stilinski was possessed by a Nogitsune… I just spent way too long digging through YouTube and my Tumblr tags from back when those episodes were airing looking for a few specific videos and couldn’t find them. The TL;DR reason I bring it up here is goofball, bi-coded main character guy getting possessed by an entity set on destroying the people he loves. SOUNDS LIKE THIS EPISODE AND A WHOLE LOT OF SPN RIGHT. I love that all these monster hunting shows call out to each other.

This scene haunts me years later and I don’t even WATCH Teen Wolf. I just watched the fandom on Tumblr collectively lose it’s shit then tripped down a Hale Pack fanfiction rabbit hole.

ANYWAY

Back to Supernatural, a show that also treated its fan base, cast, and characters like garbage! Huzzah!

DEAN: Well, there’s another way to go—down. (They look down and notice a manhole.)

I’m gonna be mature and ignore the double entendre there…

But I love that Dean thinks of the world in 3D. Which sounds like a dumb statement to make, but this is honestly a good example of that in action.

SAM: I bet this runs right by Zack’s house, too.

Really Sam, sewers run by houses? SO WEIRD. I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED.

DEAN: You know, I just had a sick thought. When the shapeshifter changes shape—maybe it sheds.

SAM: That is sick. (DEAN puts the bloody pile back on the ground.)

Guys, there is a WHOLE ASS EAR in that pile of yuck you’re looking at. I think it’s pretty safe to assume the shapeshifter indeed sheds its skin like a snake. A much… gooier snake.

Sam’s friend is rightfully pissed at him for fucking with the crime scene.

This is before the pearl gripped guns?! Wow. I never noticed that before.

Also, this whole episode gives me feelings.

++++

Cool. Tumblr mobile ate a whole section of my notes on this when it crashed for NO APPARENT REASON. Love that.

It always boggles my mind that actors can trust the people they’re working with enough to let people “tie” ropes around their neck or put them in actually dangerous positions in a scene.

SHAPESHIFTER: He’s sure got issues with you. You got to go to college. He had to stay home. I mean, I had to stay home. With Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. Where the hell were you?

SAM: Where is my brother? (The shapeshifter leans in close to SAM.)

SHAPESHIFTER: I am your brother. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me. (He backs away.)

SAM: What are you talkin’ about?

SHAPESHIFTER: You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. No explanation, nothin’, just poof. Left me with your sorry ass. But, still, this life? It’s not without its perks. (He laughs.) I meet the nicest people. Like little Becky. You know, Dean would bang her if he had the chance. Let’s see what happens. (He smiles and covers SAM with a sheet.)

This exchange is just… so much. So many feelings. And I will forever (unless we magically get a fix-it fic mini season someday…) be SO MAD that none of this got resolved in that pointless, trash heap of a finale.

REBECCA: Okay, so, this thing—it can make itself look like anybody?

SHAPESHIFTER: That’s right. (She chuckles.)

REBECCA: Well, what is it, like a genetic freak? (The shapeshifter laughs.)

SHAPESHIFTER: Maybe. Evolution is about mutation, right? So, maybe this thing was born human but was different. Hideous and hated. Until he learned to become someone else. (REBECCA looks around, uncomfortable. The shapeshifter’s eyes glint silver, and he smiles.)

It always amazes me how much of this show is a pile of accidental queer allegories parading around in an ill-fitting toxic masculinity suit.

Vulcan mind meld! I love nerd!Dean. Also, I’m rewatching Star Trek: TOS with my husband, because that is what my life amounts to these days, rewatching comfort TV and flailing over the bits I love.

This post does a better job than I can do of pairing up screen caps with the dialogue of this next scene. SIX EPISODES IN. They’re dumping all of this character depth SIX EPISODES IN. FUCK THIS SHOW FOR NOT EMBRACING ITSELF.

Okay, I love that he screams back in her face after he threw the phone. It’s not something to laugh at because the situation is horrifying, but I can’t help laughing at it every time.

AND THE WAY THEY CUT THESE SCENES. Going from him winding his hand back to backslap her directly to him dropping the chains on the table to show how hard he must have hit her without actually making the actors hit each other. Good job editing department!

I… don’t understand the shifter’s motivation for killing people. If he can take over people’s identities without killing them, why kill them? Is it just because he’s a homicidal, rapist piece of shit? Cause that’s all it seems like.

How did the SWAT team even know she was being attacked? Why can the snipers aim no better than Storm Troopers?

Ugh, these kind of transformation body horror scenes are exactly why werewolf stories have never really appealed to me much. Like, I could do without watching your ribs move and teeth fall out, dude.

BUT.

THIS FUCKING SCENE.

I looked up the song that’s playing over shapeshifter!Dean being caught by the SWAT team and then going through the grotesque transformation. (And as far as I know, the iTunes version has the original music from the episodes.)

It’s a song called “Mary” by The Death Riders

Who's your mother, who's your mother here boy // Who's your mother, whos your mommy dear // Who's your father, who's your father here boy // Who's your father, who's your daddy dear

Silently screaming // Where everyone knows // Daddy's always watchin' // Where everywhere - everywhere I go

I don't wanna be a freak show pretty boy anymore // I don't wanna be a full time slave // I don't wanna be your midnight cowboy anymore // I just want to be Mary

This is… a fascinating choice. Here are the rest of the lyrics. The song as a whole has a weird incesty kinda vibe to it? Kinda like when SPN tries to straight-wash itself and misses the mark wildly. (Like Dean’s male siren episode.)

The midnight cowboy line reminded me of 12x11 and the bull riding scene with “Broomstick Cowboy” by Bobby Goldsboro playing over it

Dream on, little Broomstick Cowboy, // Dream while you can; // Of big green frogs, // And puppy dogs, // And castles in the sand.

For, all too soon you'll awaken; // Your toys will all be gone. // Your broomstick horse will ride away, // To find another home. // And you'll have grown into a man, // With cowboys of your own. // And then you'll have to go to war, // To try and save your home.

And then you'll have to learn to hate; // You'll have to learn to kill. // It's always been that way, my son; // I guess it always will.

Because, you know, why not add tons of feelings into the lyrics, right?

Props to the people who can embrace their rewatches and reclamations of the show with ease. Because every episode seems to remind me of how hollow and tragic Dean’s ending was and I just… struggle all over again.

Anyway, back to the episode so I can move on with my day.

REPORTER: An anonymous tip led police to a home in the Central West End, where a S.W.A.T team discovered a local woman bound and gagged. Her attacker, a white male, approximately twenty-four to thirty years of age, was discovered hiding in her home. (A sketch of DEAN appears on the screen.)

DEAN: Man! That’s not even a good picture. (SAM looks around cautiously.)

SAM: It’s good enough. (He walks away.)

DEAN: Man! (He follows SAM.)

(CUT TO: Alley. DEAN and SAM are walking. DEAN steps into a puddle.)

DEAN: Ugh, come on.

I love that we get two tiny little back-to-back vanity moments for Dean here. One commenting on the sketch artist rendition of him being broadcasted on the news and the other tripping in the puddle. There is literally someone running around the city trying to kill people while wearing Dean’s face, but Dean is still concerned with how he looks appears to others. He’s still concerned with keeping up his own performance. The shifter left him with just a t-shirt, so he doesn’t even have his usual comfort layers on and at any moment someone could spot him and call the police or try to kill him for assaulting Sam’s friend. His life is wildly out of control in that moment and the only thing he can try to focus on is his appearance (something semi-controllable) and finding the shifter before any of that other shit can happen.

One day I want to put together a like top 10 episodes focusing on / explaining each TFW character from the series. Like the kind of list you could show someone who’s never seen the show, but has OPINIONS about the characters (or who hasn’t seen the whole show and seen the growth they went through… you know, like the people responsible for the travesty of 15x20). This episode would be on that list. I’m not sure how I could manage to make a list of only 10 episodes to understand Dean Winchester by, but eh.

SAM: What are you gonna do to me?

SHAPESHIFTER: Oh, I’m not gonna do anything. Dean will, though.

SAM: They’ll never catch him.

SHAPESHIFTER: Oh, doesn’t matter. Murder in the first of his own brother? He’ll be hunted the rest of his life. (He picks up a sharp knife and examines it.)

Speaking of season 15 in general, this right here. This was Chuck’s villain story arc thesis statement. AND THEY DROPPED THE GODDAMN BALL WITH IT. I think that’s the thing that honestly pisses me off the most these days (about 5 1/2 months from when the finale aired) is that they tried making the whole thing a tragedy but did such an awful job with it that it just ended up like a deflating condom balloon at a dive bar concert. Disappointing and gross. The finale for season 14 set them up SO FUCKING WELL and it just… didn’t get there.

Becky’s parents are gonna be pissed at how torn up their house is after all this shit…

And you’re not shooting him when you first see him strangling Sam because…?????

I like that he took the necklace back. Also, is this kinda Dean death number .5 of the show? Like it wasn’t him but it was also kinda him. Eh.

At least they left the windshield on Baby this time. Reflections are better than tearing her apart.

[rebloged-content]

Recommended Sanders Sides creators

Marry Christmas, everyone! And a wonderful December day to all of you who don’t celebrate Christmas, too. Let’s be honest right off the bat, though: I’m only using the date as an excuse to do this list anyways.

So. Throughout the time I’ve spent as a part of this wonderful corner of the sanders sides fandom over here on tumblr, I’ve often found a new creator and wished I’d found them sooner. It kind of makes me wonder who else I might miss. If you do to, here are a few creators I’d love for you to check out. You’ll probably recognize some of the names, if not all, but maybe you’ll find a new favorite creator here?

And to the creators in question, I really love your content. If you’ve made it onto this list, you’ve definitely cause one or two sleepless nights of reading for me, because who needs sleep if I can have this, right? XD Whatever you’ll find written next to your name is the impression you’ve left on me and… Well, just know that you’ve made some days of my life at least a little happier, all of you. And I hope to repay the favor by telling you how much I appreciate you releasing your content into this world… Well, repay the favor at least a little, I suppose.

Let’s begin, then, shall we?

@5am-the-foxing-hour Because this? This is who you go to if you want to read good Janus-content. You are in a mood to read sympathetic Janus? Wanna see the danger noodle just casually interact with other sides? Go to their short stories. I mean, “the cult”? Prime example of how to tell a story with impact in just a few words. 8 paragraphs, but boy did I read that one on repeat. Or “water spray bottle”, this one is fun, short and will make you laugh. An energy drink for the fander heart, so to say.

Then there’s their mafia-au, “there’s more in me than precious metals”. Six are out so far, and I adore every single word of every single part of this. Protective Remus, sassy Janus, angst, comedy relief, destruction, Roman-Remus-sibling-rivalry, braincell Logan, survival instinct Virgil, working together over a common enemy… This fic has it all, believe me. Take your time and read it, because you will read the entire thing in one go once you start. At least I did, and I didn’t even notice.

And their advent writings? Those had me squealing and jumping around in a way I will deny if anyone ever sees it. I don’t even know what else to say, they are fucking fantastic and that’s that.

So, yeah. Go check them out, before I start fangirling about them even more. You know my personal favorites now, so just go there. You won’t regret it.

Next up is @coconut-cluster. Ah, yes, Lexi. Lexi, whose uni-AU started as self indulgent and has become the loceit story on tumblr. We all know her, or at least most of us do, and we all love her too. And while I also drop everything I do at any point of time I possibly can once I realize the uni-au has any form of new addition, there are a lot of other fics created by her that you should check out as well.

Did you, for example, ever want a sappy prinxiety one-shot with the sappiness only being implied, a mutual understanding of “we’re-not-saying-we-care-but-we-both-know-we-do” born from joking reassurances and a not-a-date-nope-only-a-break? While that may seem to be a tall order, that is exactly what “before the sun goes down” is. Plus there’s ice cream. Or maybe you’re more of a logince fan? Do you want a fic where Roman isn’t the prince but serves His Highness? Do you like sincere talks while you’re procrastinating showing your face to the subjects you don’t really want to rule over? In that case, you really should read “Viva la Vida”. Careful, though, this one is so sweet you’ll probably get a toothache… There also is an analogical fic that I’ve enjoyed very much: “Cracks in the Ceiling”. I love it, because it’s just calm. Fears creeping up on you, thrown away by a trusted friend with a few words, just by being there and playing into the metaphors you head created this time around. It’s calm, and there’s not really a climax or anything, but it doesn’t need one. Because it’s just a glance into everyday life. It’s beautiful in its own right, really.

What I’m saying is, Lexi has a lot more wonderful stories to tell than the uni-au. It’s the most popular one, sure, and it’s one of her best works. But you really should check out her other fics as well. Lexi herself once said that she writs fics she’d like to read. I would figure it’s because of this, but her stories are mostly things you don’t really find anywhere else. Dynamics, stories, world building, all of those are aspects you may find somewhere else. But Lexi is just one of those people who see what they miss in a fandom and create it themselves, and among these creators Lexi is my favorite. She just has that certain skill that makes that approach to writing result in the most enjoyable reading experiences. Lexi’s fics are special, because they’re different, because they are authentic and you can feel that when you’re reading her work.

@djpurple3 is another talented individual I want to talk about. I have to confess, DJ is, as far as original content goes, almost exclusively locked in my brain with the fiction “I just keep loosing my beat”. 23 Chapters so far, one better than the last. It’s a bitter-sweet story following Remus and his children, after the bitch of a mother has been brought behind bars. Abusive piece of shit. Yeah, I don’t like her much. But the story is so full of love and support, everyone trying their best, everyone seeing how much the others deserve the world and wishing they could give it to them… Roman and Remus have a sibling-dynamic I would die for here, too. Patton is just the most adorable friend to Deceit - here Damion - Virgil is a precious bean, Logan is cute and the teacher we all wish he’d had ourselves and… god, I could keep gushing about this fic forever. I’ll stop now, though, before I’ll start spoiler things. Wouldn’t want to do that, especially since I really, really, really want more people to give this a go. It’s not underrated, I just think everyone who doesn’t is missing out by a lot, so… Go over there and read DJ’s fic right fucking now, if you haven’t already read it at least once. Thank you.

@delimeful​, our wonderful lime-friend with a cute cat making a terrifying face in his header. First of all, there is the WIBAR universe, short for “Watch it burn and rust”. 5 chapters in act one, 4 intermissions (one of those with three chapters), one chapter of act two, as well as three extras and an au of this au called “the end of being alone”, and I’ve lost count of how many nights I spent reading those instead of sleeping like I should. (Or interacting with family. Or being productive. Or… It’s really a good story, okay?!) WIBAR is a deathworlder au. So a space au in which humans are regarded as dangerous deathworlders who can survive on a deathworld like earth. In other words, Virgil is the only human, and boy does that scare everyone around him. And the best part? You can feel the development, the shift in mentality regarding Virgil, feel the moment approach in which he isn’t a threat but a companion instead.

And, apart from the fic that inspired me enough to start writing “TINND!R?” over on my writing blog, there are a lot more amazing fics to read on lime’s blog. He wrote “How easy you are to need”, for example. It’s soft, it pulls at just the right heartstrings, it’s achingly hopeful and, god, the ending still has me in tears, even after the fifth - ? sixth? something among those lines - reread. This one’s a werewolf au, actually. Virgil is the werewolf, Logan, Patton and Roman are the humans.

Do you want yourself some of that pre-AA dynamic? I’d recommend “to taste your beating heart”. In this, Virgil gets separated from the rest of his group of vampire hunters and gets turned into a vampire himself, loosing his memories. And he’s “Anx” now, not “Virgil”, goddamnit! He isn’t their friend anymore, why don’t they understand that? Well, probably because they can still see Virgil’s old habits shining through. There’s a lot of tension, a lot of angst and a whole lot of frustration involved in this.

He also wrote some amazing one-shots. They’re mostly so well written that I’m almost sad not to be waiting on a continuation. There’s “the littlest mermaid”, in which Virgil goes to investigate a noise, finding a scared, tiny mermaid in need of help. In “community gardens” we have Remus being Remus, gaining the interest and friendship of the forest’s giant Logan. “Magical mutualism” tells the tale of a witch and a demon making a pact beneficial to both parties and opening the doors neither could have gone beyond alone. The way we’re all confused about our ships not actually having set sail yet comes to a hight in Virgil in regards to his friends in “amateur matchmakers”. And this is the point at witch I stop talking before I actually recommend every single one of lime’s fics instead of just my favorites as I had planed because I started to gush too much… XD

Let’s move on to @muppenthings​. Mupp is an amazing artist and she created a giant mermaid au. There’s this one orca who’s just… We love her, but I actually don’t think she’s the brightest. I really, really love her, though. Virgil himself is being a little protective over his human friends and casually so. I love this comic series for the art style, but I also love the way it makes me crack a laugh at least once per work. Or appeal to my mother-instincts, if it’s about baby Virgil. Too cute for his own good, I tell ya! And the facial expressions! The detail, the jokes, everything about this is wonderful. You should at least take a look.

@whenisitenoughtrees​. Cat got me with “This cup of yours tastes holy (This lie is dead)”. “A slow voice on a wave of phase” was next, later “Infinity and beyond”, “we are not alone in the dark with out demons” and “changing of the guard”. And then, suddenly, the night was over. I’ve read almost all of the fics in one go, and I’ve been semi-frequently visiting her master post ever since. When “There’s an endless road to rediscover” came out just a little while back, that lead to me re-reading through almost the entire list. I don’t regret it, my plans for that weekend would like to disagree.

These six fics I mentioned here are, by no means, the only ones I enjoyed. Those are just the ones I’ve found myself opening up again and again in sleepless nights. Those are the ones that pop up in my head and have me smiling to myself in the middle of god-knows-whatever-I’ve-been-doing-at-the-time.

Angst, fluff, hurt-comfort, you’ll find everything in that list. And something I’ve grown to like about Cat’s fics even more than anything else is the quick change between feeling perplexed, a startled laugh at certain wordings (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it) and apprehension. These fics will have you at the edge of you seat, swooping you away on an emotional roller coaster. And, god, the way Cat writes from Remus’ perspective? The introductions of her stories and the way she redirects to the main topic after going into detail on something? I saved a few paragraphs as screenshots on my phone because I love them and I want to read them again when I’m down. I just… Cat’s great.

Next up is @eliemo. Because Elias Virgil is the royalty of Virgil angst. From the touch-starved Virgil we’ve all had a head cannon of at one point in “Heart of Ice”, over ace Virgil panicking over telling his boyfriends that he his ace and didn’t think to tell them before in “Love our way” to so, so much more.

Mostly EV follows the story arc of an underlying feeling of dread at the beginning, which slowly grows into panic, exploding in a storm of angst and concludes in everyone, or at least whoever is around, coming to the rescue and helping to calm down, with the end being the hope for getting better in the future. They always manage to convey the confusion, fear or just the general thought process so well that you can’t help but get absorbed in the story. They know exactly what to say and what to leave between the lines to get the maximum effect. And, your heart will definitely be shattered after their angst. Still, the way the sides comfort each other and support each other so well every time is just… I love their stories, a lot.

I want to make two more suggestions if you want to check out this creator. A Janus angst fic, which can only be described as “ouch” you’ll find under the name “snake bite”. It hurts in the best way possible, because Janus gets the comfort he deserves.

The other suggestion gets a lot darker. It’s about Virgil having been abused by the “others” before he got accepted into the light side. The others are shocked to find out what has gone on behind their backs and they help Virgil in every way they can to recover. Of cause it’s a rocky path, though. This would be “Learned Behavior”. The series/au has twelve stories so far, one of which has two parts. You’ll find the master post for this pinned to the top on their blog.

If you like angst, you should also give @maybedefinitely404​ a look. Ly has a soulmate-au going, in which they use the concept of “you hear the music your soulmate listens to”. "Music in my head” is a prinxiety fic, but the two of them have yet to meet. Four chapters and two mini-fics in. The reason I mentioned angst is because in this - spoiler alert for the first few chapters here - , Virgil gets put through conversion therapy. Luckily Janus and Logan are better foster parents than the ones who did that to him.

They also have a master list for all their soulmate stories, featuring different ships. Apparently they participated in soulmate month, if I understood that correctly. And to be honest, that was how I even found their account. I absolutely adore their anxceit fic, which takes place in a human au. It’s starting off pretty sad, but the bonding moments are absolutely wonderful. It’s a lovely story, and the ending is one of the best ones I’ve yet to read. Their logince fic took my breath away, too. A flower shop/tattoo artist au, and Logan is the tattoo artist. Stunning writing, wonderful world building, just the right amount of backstory to have everything make sense without overwhelming/drowning the reader in unnecessary details. Their moxceit fiction… Well, this one had me in tears within the first few paragraphs. It’s terrible and you feel for Janus, whose perspective this is written from. The ending, though… Gods! The ending was so indescribably cute. To be honest, all of the soulmate stories are great, these three are just my personal favorites.

Concerning their one shots, you’ll probably have to figure it out on your own concerning this. I haven’t been able to read all of them yet, as sad as that makes me. Definitely palling on doing it in the future, though. I did read two of them, though. “Pippity poppity” really was amusing, and I am so looking forward to the second part of “The Boy who sings next door”. The way they write the dynamics between the sides? I live for that.

Another creator I would like to recommend is @maybe-im-tired.They don’t have a master post, as far as I could see, but they only post their content anyways, so… “Can’t take my eyes off of you” is my favorite out of their fics so far. I mean, the way they managed to fit the sheer chaos that is intrulogical into this one short fic is amazing. And you could take about two thirds of what Remus said and put it up on your wall as out-of-contexts-quotes. Don’t worry, he says them out of context anyways, and they will definitely make you laugh. 

The series of short stories for the human au that starts with “Glowing stars” is another au by them that you will almost certainly like. We have Logan and Virgil as kids (about 7 I think), Remus and Patton as single parents, Roman as the most adoring uncle, Emile as babysitter and Remy as his amazing partner. Remus is a great father, wonderfully chaotic as well. And a teacher! Imagine that, Remus as your teacher... He’s great with kids though, as long as they aren’t entitled villains come to make his precious Virgil feel bad, that is.

They also wrote a bunch of “random one shots”. They are all amazing, but my favorite has to be this one. It’s a logince one, once again human au. Patton may or may not tell his big brother’s crush about the feelings he wasn’t prepared to share yet. You know, as small kids do. It’s soft, it will make you smile as much as Logan does, and I love Remus in it. I generally like how they write Remus, okay? I know how much I’ve said it, but I’m not even exaggerating. They always write him differently, and all versions they write him as are so, so lovable and just… I wanna hug the life out of all Remus versions they wrote, okay? Take a look, you’ll know why.

Anyways. Let’s continue with @figurative-siren-song. This is the last account I’ve followed and I’m still sad about it having taken me this long to find them. Little salty, to be honest. (I’ll stick to they/them because they said just not to use she/her, and, well… consistency, you know? Don’t have much, so I have to get what I can XD). When I finally did find them, I went through their entire master list (at least all of the ships with characters I actually know. I’m kinda bad with the shorts characters, so I usually just… avoid them? Idk. Personal preference, I guess), and, well… I would honestly recommend every single fic on that list. They call themself “Repair Fluff King™️” and they deserve that title. But when they warn you that a fic will be angsty, it will be angsty.

I found them through the anxceit fic “A Deal”. Well, through an animatic by their friend on youtube that had linked the fic, but details. I’ve been reading this fic up and down again and again. It’s just so good! And when they talk in the second part and Janus explains why he proposed that deal. Or in the continuation, which i can’t talk about because I will probably spoiler things! So wholesome!

 Also, their losleepxeity fic “We’re worth it”. So soft! The nicknames, the plot, the everything. It’s softer than clouds look, and we all know that means something.

But, really. Everyone will find something for them by this creator. So many ships, all incredibly well written, and soft and fluffy without getting boring in the slightest. It’s as energizing as coffee, actually. And, let’s be honest, this whole fandom drowns itself in angst most of the time. Take a break from that, repair your broken hearts with goof fluffy content that you’ll want to read over and over again. Go check this creator out. You will love them. 

Last but not least… @myfriendsasthesides​ A blog by a creator who just takes the wonderfully chaotic dynamics of a friend group and using that to give us content of incorrect sides quotes. Maybe it doesn’t fit with me going on and on about fics here. I don’t care. Follow them and turn on those notifications, please, because seeing even one post of theirs on your dashboard will make your day. It’s funny, it’s absurd, it’s chaotic, it’s making you jealous of them for having friends like that. Believe me, you will want to see those posts. It’s just… the random shots of serotonin and dopamine out generation needs really fucking desperately 100% of the time. 

That’s it with the list! Eleven creators I absolutely adore, and I’m sorry I was babbling so much all the way through, but… Well, actually I’m not sorry. And actually, half of the reason I even made this post is to tell them how much I love them and fangirl about them a bit. So… Yeah. Well.I love you guys and hope you’ll have a wonderful day! And to everyone else reading this: I hope this helped you ind some new creators you can enjoy. And a good day to you too, of cause.

Sincerely, Joy 🖤

(@joylessnightsky/@sanders-sides-fic)

[youngbeanpole]

A message from BP’s mail-lady

hoo boy here we go. this is gonna be a long post.

hi! im lemon, and i started this blog on april 2nd 2012. and today, april 22nd 2021, im posting beanpole’s last message here. its been one hell of a ride.

how it all started i was 15, spending time on tumblr, when i suddenly started seeing people posting about this movie that was about to be released soon, called the lorax. now, im not american, so i had never really heard of dr seuss, but people were so enthusiastic! so i watched a shitty cam-rip of the movie and joined the fandom. 

and then the askblogs started, the first one i came across being swag, of course. i had run askblogs for other fandoms before, so i wanted to join in on the fun. but regular once-ler was already taken... and green suit once-lers, and audrey and ted too... so i had to come up with something original. 

the movie started with the once-ler leaving home and his family showing just how awful they were, and i started thinking, ‘man, his childhood mustve sucked..’ ‘haha what if i made a blog about once-ler when he was my age?’ 

an impulse decision that somehow gained me 100 followers in a week. somehow relatable tumblr teen once-ler was relatable to 2012 tumblr. who couldve known? 

i get kinda emotional looking back at it, honestly. people were so fun and creative. id stay up late to keep talking to people (bc timezones are hell). and i had a lot of fun just pretending to be a flawed boy, one who seemed nice but could be rather snarky, who would lie and break promises at the drop of a hat, but only because he didnt know any better, not out of malice. and i couldnt have done it without you all. i never wouldve known that he hates tomatoes, or likes celine dion, or wears the same thneed every dang day just because that happened to be his icon. 

was it silly to get obsessed with a childrens movie? maybe. but i had a great time.  (im also happy to see there are still people in the fandom that are carrying on the legacy... you guys rock)

truffula flu i think most people that remember bp remember him from truffula flu’s camp entre, over at youngbeansprout... a blog ive sadly lost the password to. im a big baby so i never thought id enjoy writing about something as scary as zombies, but i saw my friends doing it so i went in blind, without any idea on a backstory for the au or whatever.  ....which is probably why he wasnt always all that prominent in the story, haha. well, that, and timezones. 

it was probably an even wilder time than running this blog was, because there was actual plot. and people would liveblog it. and make fanart. and cosplay??? someone out there? cosplayed my oc to a convention? its one of those things that make you go. huh. i made something cool. probably never gonna reach that high ever again, but it sure is a fond memory. i still have a folder on my computer with all the fanart and it still brings a smile to my face.

also... i never did get to finish zombie au’s story, but i did plan how it would end. so if youve managed to read this far, congratulations! youve hit the hidden deep lore.

---

so the thing with truffula flu was that entre made the trees fucked up, right? and those spores would turn ppl into zombies. and of course you could become a zombie from being bitten, but it also traveled through the air...

everyone in camp entre (who wasnt immune or already infected) wore a gasmask, a bandana, something to cover their mouth. bp, who wandered into the apocalypse by accident, did not. he didnt even know. 

so little by little, the spores gathered in his lungs, until he realized. oh no. im getting sick. oh no. oh no oh no oh no. he messed around audrey’s equipment to confirm he was infected, and he got scared. he was a scared kid and he was going to die.

except. ted had handed him a cure for safe-keeping. a cure bp had sworn to protect with his life. but it could save him, right? in a moment of cowardice, he uses it on himself... only to find out there never was a cure.  (now heres the part where my memory gets fuzzy but) the ‘’’cure’’’ was given to ted, who was already slightly rotting, meant as a mercy kill. the people who gave him the cure assumed he would use it on himself.

except ted was a good kid, who wanted to use the cure to help others. and beanpole? his lies and broken promises came back to bite him in the ass, and he died sudden and alone. the end. :)

ANYWAY

the end of an era ive wanted to wrap this blog up for several years now but i never knew how. younger me wanted to give him a happy ending, which back then i thought was getting him a girlfriend. 

but as i got older, i realized... not everything can be fixed with a relationship. he’d have to learn to overcome his flaws by himself, learn his lesson about honesty and sincerity and the dangers of greed. and then, maybe he’ll have a happy ending.

so as he rides into the sunset on this day, imagine. maybe he’ll end up cutting down a forest and regretting it the rest of his life. maybe he’ll become a rock-star. an inventor. a teacher. a gentleman. a cannibal? okay, maybe not that one or maybe he’ll continue traveling forever, singing songs about boredom.

who knows? there’s infinite possibilites out there.

--

and with that, im logging off too. if you ever need me, ill be over on twitter as his deoncelerized self, bean. 

<3

[collecting-stories]

Ulysses - JJ (Outer Banks)

Request: hi! i’ve never asked on tumblr before but i love your blog so i thought i’d give it a shot :) i love all of your obx imagines! could i please request something with jj where it’s just really fluffy and cute and general good vibes! i totally understand if not and i’m so sorry if requests are closed i’m still new to all of this! thank you so much xx

A/N: Basically JJ has a crush on an especially bookish girl and tries to impress her by tackling the novel Ulysses. 

///

“Give me like...I don’t know, what do you talk about when you’re flirting with a girl?” JJ asked, standing beside Pope and Kiara outside the small beach front bookshop. He kept pulling on the straps of his backpack and then loosening them.  

“When has Pope flirting with a girl ever worked in his favor?” Kiara teased.  

“Thanks a lot Kie.”

“Well like,” JJ sucked on his vape, trying to calm himself down, “what do smart people talk about?”

“Can I ask why we’re here?”  

JJ had texted Kiara and Pope that he had an emergency and needed them ASAP. Both of them had rushed through getting dressed and gotten all the way to the address he had given them only to realize JJ was standing outside of the bookshop. It wasn’t three weeks ago that, at a party on the beach, he’d seen you. JJ knew you from school, he’d seen you in classes. Once in ninth grade when everyone had to give presentations in front of the whole class he’d sat in the back listening to you talk about America in the 1960’s and told John B that he was going to date you. It never happened but he’d had a crush on you since then. And when he saw you at the party he thought it was some kind of crazy fate. He’d tried every dumb party trick he usually did and whatever jokes he could possibly think of but nothing seemed to work. You laughed but not in the way that suggested you were remotely interested in him or thought he was cool. And then yesterday he’d seen you in the window of the bookshop by chance when he was headed down to meet up with John B.  

“Her.” JJ pointed to where you sat behind the counter, reading.  

“I’m sorry, you called us down here to stalk some girl?” Kiara laughed.  

“You don’t get it Kie, I pulled out all the stops last time I saw her and she was totally uninterested.”

“What’d she say?”  

“Nothing really,” JJ replied. “It was what she didn’t say.”

“Invite her on the Pogue or something.” Pope offered.

“Do something, we look like creepy stalkers.” Kiara said, grabbing Pope’s sleeve and yanking him to the side just as you looked up, “JJ!”  

JJ’s usual fight or flight instinct seemed to malfunction when you looked up. He just froze, standing there with his vape hanging out of his mouth, staring at you with wide eyes. You looked startled for a minute before you offered him a wave. You remembered the party on the beach, he’d been funny and you had thought that he’d been interested but then he’d gone to refill his cup and never come back. Now he was standing outside the bookshop you worked in, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

“JJ!” Kiara hissed. She stood just out of view with Pope. “Go in.”

He looked at her, still wide eyed, “what?”

“Go the fuck inside before she thinks you’re a creep.”  

“Right. Right.” JJ sucked on his vape, blowing smoke out of his mouth and nose before heading inside. He could do this, he could manage this.  

The bell above the door chimed as he walked inside, trying to play off his unusual level of nervousness by thumbing through books as he passed them. He couldn’t tell if any of these were smart people books. What did smart people read? What had their English teacher that year been harping on him to try and read? Something about an island.

“Can I help you find something?” You asked, watching him bump into a stack of books near the self-help shelf.  

“Yeah, yeah,” JJ nodded a little too enthusiastically, taking his cap off to run a hand through his hair before fixing it back on. Play it cool. “Hey, do I know you?” Good.

You frowned. He hadn’t come back from getting a beer but you had done a fair amount of self-preservative talking, reassuring yourself that you weren’t completely unmemorable. “I was at the party a few weeks ago.”

“Oh yeah, cool cool. Uh, what are you reading?” He asked, looking at the closed book on the counter.  

“Walden, by Henry David Thoreau.” You held it up for him to see the cover. “So, did you need help finding a book?”

“Uh,” JJ looked around the area he was in, scanning titles on the literature shelf. Something had to sound smart right? What sounded the smartest? “This one.” He grabbed a book and set it down on the counter.

“Seriously?” You had known ‘of’ JJ for a while. You went to the same school and on the days when he did show up for class nothing about him suggested that he was doing some heavy reading in his spare time. “Okay.” The party was the first time he’d ever actually spoken to you and, as much as you had enjoyed hanging out with him, you still didn’t think he was on the fast track to reading complicated literary works.  

“Cool, thanks.” He nodded. Over his shoulder, outside, Kiara and Pope were standing at the window watching the two of you. Neither of them looked hopeful about the interaction. “I’ll see you around or something?” He asked once he had the book in hand.

“Yeah, I’ll see you around.” You smiled, hopeful that he might actually mean it.

-

JJ kept the book in his backpack for two weeks before he finally took it out and tried to read it. After a day of surfing, when he couldn’t sleep, he’d gone outside and sat in the hammock in John B’s yard, trying to read the book. It was almost too dark to see and he held a flashlight between his chest and chin as he tried to make sense of the story he was reading. When John B had heard about the encounter he had ragged on his best friend for days. JJ, reading? What was the world becoming?  

He looked for you at other parties over the course of those two weeks but he didn’t see you. He knew he could find you at the bookstore but he didn’t want to until he could understand what he was reading. If he could impress you, prove that he understood the stupid book, then maybe you’d go out with him.  

“You’ll have to read more books. She isn’t gonna listen to you sparknotes that book forever.” Pope had explained when JJ had told them his plan.  

“It’ll be fine.” None of the words even felt like they made sense at this point.  

On Tuesday, after two weeks of having the book and not understanding it he went back to the bookshop. If he wasn’t so frustrated by his own inability to comprehend something so stupid he would have been more nervous. You were reading something new this time and didn’t even look up when the bell chimed.  

You did look up when someone dropped a book on your counter. Buried in the sand, accidentally dropped in the marsh, bent up to loosen the spine, thumbed through while eating, and stained from a beer spill, the book looked like it had spent two weeks in hell and you almost had a panic attack at the sight. JJ stood there, looking almost as bad as the book.

“I don’t get it.”

“What?” You asked, bewildered.

“I tried...I read it twice. Front to back and I have no fucking idea what this guy is supposed to be talking about. Like what the fuck!” JJ exclaimed, voice louder than necessary.  

“I mean-”

“I only got this stupid thing because I thought if I could fucking read it than I wouldn’t sound like such an idiot talking to you and if I didn’t sound like an idiot, you’d go out with me.” JJ confessed.

“What?”

“None of it makes sense.” He groaned.  

“JJ, what?” You repeated, “you want to go out with me?”

“Yeah. And you were totally not interested at the party.”

“What are you talking about, I was too. You told me that stupid joke about penguins or something-”

“That's a funny joke.”

“No. It’s not. It doesn’t make sense.” You replied, “but I laughed. Then you left to get beer and never came back.”

“I did too.”

“No...you didn’t.”  

“Fuck! So, I read this stupid fucking book for nothing?” He asked as he realized that he’d rushed to conclusions.  

“I mean, if it makes you feel better, I’m super impressed you read Ulysses twice. Even if you didn’t get it.” You laughed.  

JJ ran a hand through his hair before shaking it out and looking at you, “so you wanna hang out?”

“I have two more hours in my shift, but after that I can.”

“Okay.” He nodded, looking around the small bookshop before settling on his torn-up copy of Ulysses, “so, do you understand it?”  

“I read the study that Stuart Gilbert did on it so, yeah.”

“Like a cheat sheet?”

“I guess.”

“Fuck!” He groaned, leaning over the counter and placing his forehead against it. “I fucking can’t believe I wasted two weeks on this shit.”

You laughed, reaching across to rub his back, “It’s okay. I can explain it to you if you want?”

“Please do.”

“Seriously?” You asked, surprised that he wanted to actually understand it.

JJ stood up again, hands pressed against the counter, “yeah you look super hot when you explain stuff. That history assignment in ninth grade was like, the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

You laughed, “You are a weird person.”

-

I’ve always wanted someone to read a book to impress me. It’s weird but...oh well. 

taglist: @poguesrforlife @freckled-and-daydreaming​ @jolomez​ @calumhoodsbuckethat

If you want to be tagged let me know!

[jadegrey711]

Moral of the Story

Eric Northman x Fem!Reader

A/N: Hello everyone! I’ve got a few more old requests to finish and two of them are Eric Northman prompts! I haven’t been feeling really well due to the fact that life has handed me some shit especially regarding school. So, I haven’t been feeling like writing anything, especially smut so i think when i open my requests again I’ll only be taking angsty or fluffy prompts. Also I know the prompt was supposed to be based off of “From the dining table” by Harry Styles. But i felt the song “Moral of the story” fit so much better. I did however put something based off the song at the end. 

*NOT MY GIFS*

If you like my stories you can check out my sideblog @jadegreywriting​​ to see all of them and my masterlist without filtering through my main blog.

Prompt: Hey I was listening to ‘from the dining table’ by Harry styles the other day and I was thinking could you maybe do eric Northman x reader where they’re going through a break up but they still love each other a lot ? So quite angsty but still romantic if that makes sense lol! It’s such a beautiful and melancholic song I’d really recommend it! If not dw, maybe just on the lyric ‘woke up the girl who looked just like you, I almost said your name’ or something like that?💜💜💜

Word Count: 1223

Inspiration Soundtrack: 

Moral of the Story- Ashe 

I own all rights to this story and do not give permission for my stories to be published, translated or reposted anywhere else. The only places I have published my stories is here on Tumblr and on my AO3 account (LadyAuthor711) 

This story is for 18+ ONLY. It contains sexual themes that are not suited for younger audiences so if you’re under 18 my blog and this story is not for you. Please make sure to read at your own discretion and remember that you are solely responsible for your content intake. 

It’s been four months since you walked out of Eric’s life for what he knew would be forever. He majorly fucked up this time, showed you the beast he truly was and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He could still hear you screaming in his head and he could still hear himself screaming back at you.

Eric cringed as he thought about what brought on this fight. You knew what he was; who he was. He was Eric fucking Northman, Viking vampire god. You knew he’d done terrible things, horrible atrocities he’d told you so himself but for some reason you still stayed with him; until now.

He’d been so gentle with you, even when he wasn’t. But there was still something inside of him that desperately wanted to unleash the beast within him. And he did, on a most willing Ivanka; a stripper who worked at Fangtasia. Ivanka was more than glad to take the brunt of his beastly desire. Little did Eric know that as he was pounding his frustrations into Ivanka, you had just come into the club and Pam had eagerly told you that he was “hashing things out” with an employee.

You had waited for Eric in his office for four hours before he had finally come out of the basement and Pam told him that you had been waiting for him. Before Eric could block your sight though, you saw a well fucked Ivanka covered in bite marks come out of the basement.

Eric would’ve drowned his eyes in bleach if it meant that he could get the image of your face falling at the moment you’d realized what he’d done. You pushed past Eric and he let you for the moment, you rushed through the crowd and Eric just watched you for the moment as you left through the front door before pursuing after you.

Before you even got in your car he was there, waiting for you a pleading look on his face.

“Y/N. Please let me explain.”

“What is there to explain Eric? I know exactly what I saw and despite what you think about us frail and stupid humans I know why you did it.” You spat at his stoic face. “You are a monster, and you’re incapable of letting yourself be happy so you let that beast inside you rule and tear everything happy in your life to shreds.”

Eric felt that same beast Y/N was talking about unfurl and hiss as she accused him. “You have no idea what’s in my nature. I’m a thousand years old, I’m not the type of person to play human boyfriend.”

“That’s the problem Eric!” You screamed at him and he watched and listened as your veins pulsed with anger and your cheeks reddened but not in the way he enjoyed so much. “You are a monster! And in those thousand years of life that’s all you’ll ever be! Us humans may be fragile things with the lifespan of a fruit fly compared to you, but we can grow and change. But you; you’ve been the same bloodthirsty brute for a thousand years! And you’ll never change.”

Eric felt himself internally flinch as he took in your blooming hatred for him, the curl of a snarl on your lip as you finished berating him. There was a part of him that wanted to grab you by the throat and push you against the car and force himself on you until you forgave him and another part of him had been cut at the knees by you and yearned to fall at your feet, begging for forgiveness.

“I’m almost glad that you did this sooner than later. I don’t want to waste what’s left of my insignificant life on a monster like you that’ll never grow despite having all that time to do so.”

Eric watched as you reached for the handle of your car door and before he could stop it, he felt his own hatred bubble out of his throat and past his lips. “You’re right. I am glad I did this, that you found me out. Because I don’t like I could spend another insufferable minute pretending to be something I’m not! I am a monster Y/N, I’m a bloody thirsty fucking beast you could tear your throat out if I so wished and I’m done trying to stop myself from doing exactly what I desire. And all I desire now is to be free from shackles from you and fight, fuck and kill my way through the rest of eternity.”

Your hatred was evident on your face, but Eric saw that trace of sadness, of betrayal as you climbed into the car. “Goodbye Eric.”

***********

Two months after that Eric still had that part of his humanity turned off and drowned whatever feelings he had for you in blood and sex. The most willing blonde twins that Eric couldn’t care enough about to know their names were eager enough to help him do just that. But the same thing happened with them as it had with every other woman, he tried fucking his feelings of anger and sadness into.

The women beneath him would fade away and your face would replace them. Your familiar and beautiful face contorted into pleasure as he made love to you, your fingers running through his blonde hair pulling at him and bringing him closer to you. The body of the strangers would fade away and be replaced with yours underneath him, your warm skin sliding against his cool skin; letting him believe that he was truly alive like you were.

“Eric.” He heard you breathe under him and he knew you were close. He had gotten so good at reading your body, knowing it wants and needs and you did the same for him. Your nails clawed his back as he brought you to the edge, only to fall over the edge himself. You kissed his chest and neck as you both came down from your highs.

“I love you.” You whispered into his ear.

“Eric.” The girl Eric was fucking tonight waved her hand in front of his face, breaking the daydream and snapping Eric back into his harsh and sad reality. “Eric are you alright?”

“Get out.” Eric said softly the first time but when she didn’t immediately leave his presence his voice held more of a threat as he told her to leave the second time; sending the girl scurrying for her clothes with haste before abruptly leaving.

Eric fell back onto his bed, closing his eyes as he picked up the daydream where he left off, letting his hands slide into his basketball shorts and feeling how hard he was for you.

“I love you.” You whispered to him again and again and again as Eric pumped himself faster until he brought himself to release and the daydream changed into a nightmare.

“Why did you hurt me, Eric? Is this what you wanted? Were those women what you truly desired?”

“No. No, none of them were you. I want you; I’ve only ever wanted you, Y/N.” Eric said into the void, trying to explain his feelings to the ghost of you, but when he opened his eyes you were gone and he knew that you’d never be back.

Taglist: @mysteryoflourve

[knitting-with-norbert]

Normalising Anxiety Stuff

So this is basically the short cut of my full blog post about this, but anxiety is shit in general but what’s even more shit is some things that come alongside it that people just don’t talk about? Because I know that there were some parts of my anxiety that I didn’t realise were normal for people going through the same things as me - and so I wanted to try to write about some of the stuff that went on with me that I’ve since learnt are normal, in case there are other people who are going through what I went through

(Also I put a load of photos of my dog because she’s cute and makes dealing with this shit a whole lot easier)

1. Sensory Overload

So this is a big one and I genuinely think that I could talk about it forever, but I’ll try to keep it short. I hadn’t actually realised until very recently that sensory overload was a real thing.

All those times I was sent spiralling into a panic attack because everything was too loud around me? Or when I would have to literally cover my ears and start humming to try to calm myself down because I was finding some background noise too loud? Or how, year after year at my dad’s birthday party I would end the night sobbing on the ground because the fireworks were just too fucking loud?

Yep, sensory overload.

And there I was thinking that there was no real cause, that I was just being dramatic or perhaps I was just a little jumpier than most people. But no, it’s a very real thing that doesn’t get talked about enough, and I wish that I had known that it had a name and that other people were going through the same thing because I think that then I would have known how to better deal with it when all my senses were too overwhelming

You’re not strange for getting overwhelmed in situations that are too loud or by textures that you don’t like or anything like that – it’s not just you that it happens to. And so please reach out to someone who you know does understand it and don’t be afraid of asking them if they can help you figure out healthy ways of managing those times where you are feeling that overwhelmed

And if you don’t know who to ask, then I’m here. Be it on my instagram, twitter or Tumblr (where I do have anonymous asks open) if you feel like you want to talk to me about it please don’t hesitate to. I will repeat again that I’m not at all a medical professional, but I do have a solid past 19 or so years coping with my own sensory overload bullshit so I can try to help you to figure out what works for you

It sucks to feel alone going through any mental health shit, but in particular this always makes me feel so, so lonely and if I can help anyone going through it to feel even just a smidge less isolated then that’s a win in my books

2. Adrenaline Crashing After Social Situations

This is such a big one for me, but I think that a lot of my friends who I’ve spoken about it with all already knew that this was a thing and I was just being dumb about it. But I wanted to put it down anyway in case there are people who don’t realise that this is pretty normal

When you go out into a social situation or even just somewhere out of your comfort zone like leaving your house and going to a public space or I know I get it when I go into a shop, even if I use self service I still get a huge adrenaline rush just from being outside basically. 

Because to your anxious brain’s mind you have just returned to somewhere safe (your home or school or friend’s house for example) from an environment that it deemed as being ‘unsafe’, hence why it activated your fight or flight. So naturally upon returning to a place that you feel comfortable in and it starts to regulate your hormone levels again it’s going to leave you drained and sometimes the comedown from that can send you spiralling into a panic attack

Again: it sucks. But it’s a normal thing, please don’t think that you’re overreacting or exaggerating or whatever because of it. A lot of people with anxiety have this happen to them

3. Post-Event Rumination

It’s essentially just being completely and utterly self critical over everything that you did, even if you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary

For example, if I ran into my neighbour and had a quick conversation with her, literally just exchanging no more than just “hi, how are you?”‘s, that run-in would be playing on repeat in my head for at least the next day and I’d be sure that I must have said something wrong or she knows something that I don’t or anything like that.

For me, if the adrenaline crash wasn’t enough to send me spiralling into a panic attack, post event rumination pretty much always is. But I found a weird amount of comfort in being told that, actually, it’s a thing that a lot of people deal with! A lot of people do it and I’m not strange for being one of them. So that was nice for me to hear at the time, especially to find out that it’s real enough that it had a name, and so I thought that there was someone else out there who might need to hear it too

4. Crashing/Spacing Out

This one is so, so common for me, but no matter how often it happens I always just feel so fucking rude, like, it can literally be the most interesting conversation in the entire world and I just…. won’t be able to concentrate? For the life of me?

As it turns out, though, that’s apparently completely normal for people with anxiety, especially in regards to the social side of it. It’s something that I actually did research in myself rather than trying to talk to one of my friends about it. And that’s because I didn’t know how to admit to being constantly spacing out in conversations with them (as in, more than they would notice) without it straight up just sounding really rude.

But it only took me a pretty quick Google search to tell me that it was actually not at all uncommon. A lot of the time, it just comes from being completely drained by conversations or sometimes (going back to the sensory overload thing) the environment just making it too hard for me to fully concentrate because of fucking birds or something

So yeah, next time that you catch yourself spacing out in a conversation please don’t feel bad about yourself because of it. Of course, it’s incredibly inconvienient and will probably always make you feel a little rude, but it’s got a cause and it is normal and usually it’s totally out of your control, too. Most people will understand it if it does happen so please, please don’t beat yourselves up about it

5. Romanticisation of Mental Health

I guess that this isn’t really, like, normalising something any more than it’s just me having a bit of a rant about how mental health is seen a lot of the time from the outside thanks to it being completely misrepresented in the media

I just know that the very first time that I saw a panic attack on a TV show was during one of the earliest episodes of Teen Wold (which I still haven’t finished by the way – anyone who’s reading this and has seen it, should I watch the rest?) and I remember Stiles getting kissed by Lydia as a way to bring him back from a panic attack.

I genuinely cannot stress enough how averse to that I am now, knowing what I do about how I and my friends deal with my/their panic attacks and anxiety – that is my worst nightmare!

My aim in making this post was to try to bring some people going through these things some comfort by being able to understand that what they are going through is completely valid and that there are ways to cope with it no matter how lost and alone you feel trying to navigate it

So please add on your own things that you wished you knew about anxiety earlier, what you wish you had known was normal or even things that you think not enough people are aware about – comment it or DM me or whatever, I just want to be able to raise awareness of these kinds of stuff

Anyway, figured I’d fill the post with photos of my dog looking sweet as fuck because she is the loveliest dog in the world (send me dog photos boys)

Thank you for reading, I hope that you’re well and if you wanna check out the full post I wrote it’s on my blog - there’s a link in my bio to it!

I hope that you’re well,

Freddie 🐸

[imaginethatneathuh]

Winter is Beautiful: Technical Boy - American Gods

I had to cut this in half because Tumblr wouldn't let me post it all as one.

Partially inspired by one of @random-imagines-blog Technical Boy posts.

Done for @atomicdetectivehideout‘s December challenge (yes, I know I’m a day late, shut up).

I’m not good at romance.

Fluff.

Word count: 4.4K+

Second Part

You smiled at the trees, barren and lifeless, all except the pines.

The pines were strong and sturdy. That beautiful pine green, even in the dead of winter. A faint hint of brown spiked the otherwise green needles. A sign of Death and Disease knocking on the trees' door.

The faint sound of Winter-ready birds hung in the air. Their song, even compared to the sunset, was something to behold. The rustle of the trees as the birds flew between the branches reminded you of days long past.

You inhaled the cold, country, Winter air. As you breathed out, a puff of smoke spread out. The warmth of your breath soon dissipated as the frozen air overtook it. dissipating. You smiled, satisfied.

The cool, pale yellows, blues, and pinks of the sunset waltzed across the sky. Not even the chilly air, which was sure to get worse, could dissuade you from spending time that night under the stars, especially on a night like tonight.

While the alignment of Jupiter and Saturn was not the main focus, it certainly helped to convince Technical Boy to come along. It was a "Once every 800 years" kind of event. Something that he would never get the chance to see again.

It had taken forever to get the tech god to agree. You hadn't expected anything less. He was him, but you were also you. Both equally stubborn in your own ways.

Speaking of the devil, the young god stood beside you, wrapped in far too many layers.

A beanie donned his head, along with a scarf, gloves, a Winter coat with two sweaters underneath (both of which you hadn’t the chance to see), a pair of jeans, snow pants, and winter boots.

It was beyond excessive in your eyes.

"You don't need all of those, T," you said. "You'll be fine."

He scoffed. Both of his hands wrapped around his upper arms, rubbing them.

"Like Hell," he mumbled teeth chattering.

How he could still be cold with all those layers was a mystery to you.

A blanket hung over your shoulder as you looked back at him.

"Let's just go."

"Home?" He asked, perking up a little.

"No, to the meadow."

Technical Boy groaned as he walked after you stiffly, following as closely behind as he could. The thick snow pants on top of jeans were hard to walk with.

Sure, the snow was a little high, but no higher than it usually was here around the Solstice.

A part of you wanted to grab his hand, just to hold it, but you thought better of it.

It wouldn’t be like it was the first time you’d held hands. The two of you had done it a thousand times. Okay, maybe that’s an over-exaggeration, but the point still remains; it wasn’t a big deal. Well, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

So, why not just take his hand?

Maybe because in the last few months, how you felt about him changed. When he smiled at you; or even just looked in your direction, it was like the world stopped moving. Your heart raced when he touched you. At times, you thought he could hear your heart pounding in your chest, especially when the two of you would lie together and cuddle. When he’d ‘Hmm?’ when you said something to him, your heart would turn to goop.  When he joked with you, you laughed harder than usual. Even just being around him made you feel this warmth deep inside. This feeling of being known without thinking he’d shame you for anything. It was slightly addicting but in a good way.

And as much as there had been a change in you, maybe there had been a slight change in him, too. Sometimes, when you stayed over at his place, he’d offer you his clothes if you wanted to take a shower. That way you wouldn’t have to wear dirty clothes after getting clean. That’s the excuse he always used anyway. There were times when he stayed at your place where he’d get all nervous about sleeping in the same bed together, even though you’d done it before, and he hadn’t had a problem then. He showed you affection and kindness and rarely said anything bad or rude about/to your family. He was kinder and sweeter now, less of a cat, more of a dog.

You also noticed things about him that you hadn’t before. Like the way he’d look at you with that big, goofy, adorable smile and how his eyes would shine brighter than the sun, the moon, and all of the stars when he saw you. Or how any time he hugged you, he would nuzzle into your neck and hang on for a little longer than most people. There were the times when Technical Boy would get hyper-focused on something and zone out. He looked adorable every time.

But there were also things you think you looked too much into. Like the little surprise visits and gifts he gave felt like more than what a friend would do. Before, you’d never noticed how much he’d look at you or how much more playful he was around you than most people. Of course, you’d never let yourself hope for more. He was a god, after all.

•

The two of you trudged through the snow as the sun set ahead of you. The pale colours of the evening gave way to the rich, dark blue of the night. Stars twinkling like diamonds suspended high in the sky.

For a moment, you thought you'd have to start pulling Technical Boy along. Thankfully, he kept up, even with all the layers.

"I was not built for the cold, Y/N,” he said.

You forged ahead. Trying (and failing) to suppress a smile, you looked behind you before turning back front.

"You're not used to the cold, that's all."

He whimpered, dashing to get back to your side. It was warmer than when he was by himself.

"How 'bout we just go back, yeah? Go back to the cabin? Where it's warm."

Stopping in the snow, letting it soak into your jeans, you faced him.

"If it bothers you that much, you can go back, but I'm not."

You didn't want him to go. He was the reason you wanted to come out here tonight in the first place. It wouldn't be right without him. Besides, two bodies are warmer than one.

Technical Boy looked between the warmth of the cabin that he so badly craved and you, the reason he was willingly out here, freezing his arse off.

Eventually, he chose to follow you, stepping to your side.

The snow flew up with every step. Some of it was packed beneath his boots, other bits stuck on them, but at least he wasn’t being drenched by it.

•

As you got to a fenced-in field, a smile spread across your face.

It was almost entirely dark now. The last vestiges of light from the sun were blinking out, disappearing behind the horizon. The stars and the half-moon became your only guide.

You giggled and looked behind you, still smiling widely.

"Come on," you said, offering your hand to Technical Boy.

He stayed where he was, a worried look on his face.

Your hand fell as you sighed.

"Really, T?"

The god shuffled backwards.

The low, barbed-wire fencing stood between you and your favourite place in the world. Besides maybe with Technical Boy.

Near an old, what you assumed to be, power box lay a dip in the fencing. The fencing had been bent and broken years ago, long before you ever came to the meadow.

Using one of the old, wooden posts the wire was wrapped around, you hopped over.

Breathing deeply, you face away from the dirt road and to the pure, untouched snow of the pasture. Your eyes closed as the wind whipped by.

Technical Boy whined behind you, reminding you of a puppy who wanted attention.

You turned to face him, a renewed light inside you.

"Come on, don't be a wuss," you said. "It's just a fence."

He looked at the fencing, then at you, bouncing side to side.

"Fine, be a wuss, but I'm going to enjoy the pasture."

You twisted back to the snowy, rolling hills far away.

"I'm not a wuss," he said.

You looked over your shoulder with a smirk and said, "Prove it then."

Technical Boy, scowling, glared at the fencing and stepped forward.

“Do we really have to do this? I mean, it’s fucking freezing out here. Not to mention, it’s really stupid. There are apps made for stargazing for crying out loud! We can stargaze where it’s warm, believe it or not,” he complained.

While his point about the apps was fair, the app could never capture the beauty of watching the stars with the naked eye.

"T," you tease in a singsong voice.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm coming." Technical Boy gripped the post you did when you hopped over. "Don't rush me."

"The sun has already set. We don't have time for this."

That wasn’t true. The stars would be there for hours to come, but you had to get him moving somehow.

With another small whine and some mental encouragement, the god hopped over. Now on the same side as you, he backed away from the fence, facing it.

He turned to you lethargically like he was bored, and glared at you.

“Great, I’m over here. Now what?”

Unable to resist, you snickered.

“What?”

You shrugged.

“Nothing, you just sound really fucking bored. I can’t combine that with the shivering you. It just doesn’t work in my head.”

He rolled his eyes and walked toward you.

“Whatever,” he said before rubbing his hands together and breathing into them.

You wiped your freezing nose with your equally cold hand, sniffing.

Eyebrows furrowed, Technical Boy took off one of his gloves and pressed a hand to your cheek.

You tried to bat it away, but he ignored it.

"Jesus Christ, Y/N, you're freezing," he worries. "Why didn't you say anything?"

You pushed him away slightly, his hands drifting to your upper arms.

"It's nothing I haven't handled before."

"Come here," he said.

He shed his coat and wrapped it around your shoulders. Taking his scarf off, he coiled it around your neck, tucking it over your nose sweetly. You giggled as he moved his hands to grasp yours.

"You feel like ice," he comments.

You shook your head, a smile plastered on your face.

"I'm fine, T. Let's just enjoy the night."

"What if you get sick!"

You sighed.

"I'm not going to get sick."

"That's what they all say," he said, pulling you close. "But then starts the sniffling and the coughing and sneezing. Not to mention the fever!"

You laughed at him. Pushing away, you took off and wrapped the scarf back around Technical Boy's neck. You glanced down to hide your giggles, but you’re greeted by a peculiar sight.

Covering your mouth, you stared at his chest.

He looked down at his sweater.

"What?"

"I can't believe you're wearing that."

He pulled it down, pouting.

"Your mother gave it to me. Plus, it's also almost Christmas. I thought it was festive."

You burst out laughing.

The ugly Rudolph the Reindeer sweater looked so stupid on him, you just couldn't help it.

"Y/N, don't be mean. I'm sure it took her forever to find one this ugly."

You kept laughing and pulled him into a hug, burying your head into his neck.

"I love you, you dumbass," you said, pushing away.

He smiled at you.

"I love you, too."

It may have been from the cold and wind, but you could have sworn there was a hint of pink on his cheeks.

You handed him back his coat.

"No, Y/N, you need it."

Instead of taking no for an answer, you tossed it onto his face.

As it fell off, Technical Boy caught it and gave you a look. The "done with your bullshit" look he often gave.

You just smiled over your shoulder and laid down the blanket over the snow.

•

The two of you stared up at the sky. For the first time since you managed to pull Technical Boy out here, it was quiet. Save for the wind rustling the branches and the coyotes howling far off in the distance. Some might be afraid of them, but not you. They were comforting. Familiar really.

Taking a deep breath, you could smell the clean snow. It was like water but cooler. As you'd expect from ice.

So enraptured by the peace, you hadn't noticed Tech staring at you with one of those rare, soft smiles on his face.

"Why'd you bring me out here," he asked.

Breaking from the serenity, you turned to look at him. His face fairer than usual because of the light reflecting off the snow from the half-moon.

"I wanted to stargaze with you."

Technical Boy nodded, seemingly satisfied with your answer. Keyword is "seemingly".

"Okay," he said, turning back to the sky, a pink hint to his cold cheeks. "But you never bring anyone out here. Not home, not to the cabin, and definitely not here. You only ever talk about this place like it’s a far-off memory. You don't even take the animals out here."

You sighed.

The stars glittered with the glowing moon.

"It's my quiet place," you said. "Where I go when I'm not really there. When all else fails, I can always come here." Looking at the sky, you smiled. "It's the most important place in the world to me. I guess, I just wanted to share that with you." You looked down and rubbed your arm.

Technical Boy let a smile spread across his face.

Cupping your cheek, he guided you to face him.

"Thank you, Y/N," he said. "I mean it."

You smiled back.

Technical Boy wrapped an arm around you and laid his head on your shoulder.

You watched the stars, Jupiter and Saturn's alignment shining amongst them.

[earliebirb]

prompt: stevetony + accidental love confession during a fight? I'm loving your stevetony fics, thank you for sharing

Oh my God!!! The first prompt in my inbox and it’s from the lovely @ishipallthings !! What an honor. I have followed you for such a long time on Tumblr (at least on my other, messier blog, because this one hasn’t been around for a very long time) and to have you request a fic in my inbox is so surreal. Thank you so much for the prompt, I hope I didn’t disappoint you!

turning tides

steve/tony, hurt/comfort, getting together, 1783 words

When he wakes up, the first thing he sees is a mop of blond hair, the owner of which is seated in the visitor’s chair beside Tony’s bed, deep asleep with an arm pillowing his head.

Steve is back from his two-week-long, highly classified, solo mission. Tony missed him terribly. Steve is also still wearing his uniform, sans gloves and cowl, which is really weird. Surely he had time to change out of his uniform after the mission. What was the rush?

One of his hands is slipped into Tony’s. He obviously fell asleep with his hand holding Tony’s but his hold had loosened some time during his slumber. Tony resolutely ignores the way his heart flutters at the contact. 

Tony looks around the room. SHIELD medical, really? It isn’t like he is dying. At least, he doesn’t think he is. The last thing he remembers before this is the spinning sight of the workshop ceiling and the feeling of his forehead resting against the cool floor of the workshop. Then… nothing. 

Tony gazes at Steve, who has fallen asleep with his face tilted towards Tony, allowing Tony the rare privilege to indulge in his guilty pleasure of openly staring at Steve for as long as he wants to, getting his fill, at least until the guy wakes up. It’s probably a bit creepy, but sue him. He is in—

Tony pauses.

Fuck it. He has spent such a long time denying it to himself, it’s about time he admits it, at least in the safe and private confines of his mind.

He is in love.

There, he said it. Thought of it. Whatever. It doesn’t terrify him whatsoever. Not even a little bit.

Tony studies Steve’s eyelashes closely, gentle adoration blooming in his chest. He has the longest eyelashes Tony has ever seen, like beautiful blond waterfalls, casting dark shadows on his cheeks. Those coupled with Steve’s baby blues are absolutely a sight to behold, which probably explains why Tony has trouble breathing every time he has Steve’s full attention on himself. The thrill that runs through him every time Steve looks at him is addictive, has him turning greedy. He wants Steve’s attention on him and only him at all times. Tony tilts his head to admire the curve of Steve’s lips better, slightly ajar in his sleep. He can’t help but smile at the sight. Steve looks so peaceful and innocent when he sleeps. Tony feels like he could look at him forever and never get bored, always finding new details to marvel at without fail.

Tony reaches out to trace the straight line of Steve’s nose with his finger when Steve stirs. Tony withdraws his hand quickly, like a child just about to touch a boiling hot kettle before being reprimanded. 

Steve’s eyes blink open slowly, squinting as they attempt to adjust to the light shining just above the bed. Tony watches silently, waits for Steve to find his bearings.

When Steve’s eyes finally meet Tony’s, they widen with surprise when he realizes that Tony is awake.

“Tony,” Steve says with an exhale, standing up from his seat, “you’re awake.”

“I am,” Tony confirms. Steve has extricated his hand from Tony’s in the process and Tony pretends that he doesn’t feel suddenly bereft at the loss of warmth.

Steve stands there for a few moments, taking the sight of Tony in. Then, his back straightens. His eyebrows start to furrow, the corners of his mouth tugged down, the features of his face rearranging themselves into a scowl. 

Tony braces himself mentally. He knows what’s coming. 

Here we go again.

“I have told you, countless of times, that you need to take better care of yourself, Tony.” Steve’s jaw clenches, his voice heavy with disappointment.

“Steve,” Tony sighs, leaning back into his pillow as he closes his eyes, “can we not? I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now.”

Steve’s chin juts out stubbornly, inhaling deeply through his nose. Tony recognizes all the signs: Steve is not backing down.

Steve raises his eyebrows, leveling him with a glare. “Then muster some.”

Oh. Steve is angry angry.

First things first. “What happened?”

Tony has some inkling as to what might have happened, but it’s still good to know the details. 

“You passed out in the workshop out of exhaustion. Jarvis tripped the emergency alarm and the others brought you here. They told me just as my plane was landing,” Steve explains, his voice cold and clipped.

God, passing out due to exhaustion warrants a stay at SHIELD’s medical bay? What an overkill. Tony would like to stress again, that he is not dying. He just passed out from exhaustion and that can happen to anyone. Not everyone’s a supersoldier, Steve. Of course, since Tony values his life, he tries his best not to voice out his thoughts to Steve, who is still staring at Tony like he had insulted his mother.

“Alright. I’m fine now. I’m awake, see?” Tony gestures to himself with a smile. Steve’s expression remains stormy as ever.  

“You can’t keep doing this, Tony. When was the last time you ate anything? When was the last time you slept before you collapsed?”

The fact that Tony can’t seem to provide an answer for either of those questions is probably a bad sign.

“Why are you so dismissive of your own health? When are you going to learn to take proper care of yourself? God, it’s like you want to get sick,” Steve spits out, like the words had left a bad taste in his mouth, and that?

That has Tony’s hackles rising.

“Listen. I’m so fucking tired of you picking fights with me, telling me how to live my life? I don’t get why you’re so pissed off about everything I do all the fucking time. I can’t do anything right, can I? So I fainted, big deal. If Jarvis hadn’t tripped the alarm, I’m sure I would have come to eventually. I can just get some rest and then I’ll be fine. Why do you care so much? This had nothing to do with you. You weren’t the one who had to drag me to medical, anyway. Why are you so fucking worked up about it? I never asked for your concern, okay? I’m sorry if this event has inconvenienced you in some way.”

Steve drags in a sharp breath. His hands are curling into fists. His mouth is open and twisted in a way that suggests something like disbelief, his eyes turning red with tears. He lets out one long, shaky breath.

“And you think I asked for this?” Steve’s voice is breaking. Tony feels his heart plummet down to his stomach, panic rising in him. God, is Steve crying?  Whatever the fuck did he say that made him cry? Tony didn’t even say anything that was wrong.

Steve grits his teeth. God, that is definitely a tear rolling down his cheek. His eyes stay wide open, glaring daggers at him like he is trying to end Tony’s life with the force of his stare alone.

“I never asked to go insane with worry every time you get sick, or miss a couple meals in a row, or go without sleep for days on end, or get hurt doing something unbelievable reckless on the field.” Steve’s voice is trembling with barely restrained rage, rising in volume. Tony has never seen him so furious before.

“I’m sorry, okay, Tony? I’m sorry for caring about you. I’m so goddamn sorry for being in love with you but I don’t have a choice about that!” Steve roars, but near the end his voice breaks down into a sob, and, and—

What? 

Tony feels lightheaded. “...What?”

Steve is still standing there, tear tracks glistening on his cheeks, shoulders heaving up and down as he pants with exertion. He is still looking at Tony like Tony had personally ripped his heart into shreds, which—

Tony wasn’t even aware that he had Steve’s heart in his hands to begin with.

Tony swallows as he tries to wrap his head around this new, unbelievably absurd concept. Tony has always been in love with Steve. This is a fact. Not the other way around. Of course not.

Steve is not in love with Tony.

Tony looks at Steve, who is now frozen, eyes still locked on Tony.

Is he?

“…Steve?” Tony asks, whisper-soft, and he loathes the sliver of hope that slips into that one syllable.

Steve staggers back reflexively, like Tony’s utterance of his name has a force so powerful it knocks him backwards.  Then, he shakes his head, looking down at the floor.

Ah, okay. See? There is no way Steve is in love with him. Tony must have mishear—

“I’m sorry, Tony. This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I mean— I knew that you must have… known, and you were just being nice about it, but… I never intended to bring it up. Please forget what I said,” Steve says to the floor, his voice sounding distant and polite and Tony absolutely hates it.

“I didn’t know,” Tony blurts out.

That makes Steve look up, tentative and unsure. “You… didn’t?”

“Not a clue.”

Steve pauses. He lets out a sigh as he closes his eyes, bowing his head once again. His long eyelashes are wet with tears, Tony notes.

“Well, now you know. I’m sorry.”

There is a pregnant pause in the room, neither of them knowing what to do with this revelation.

And then, after what feels like eternity:

“Steve?” Tony calls.

Steve looks up.

“Come here for a second?”

Steve shuffles on his feet hesitantly, his fight or flight instinct coming into play. He looks like he is weighing paradoxical options in a battle fought within: that getting physically close to Tony right now is simultaneously a viscerally compelling and undeniable need and also the last thing he wants to do. Eventually, however, because he is Steve and Steve will always, always be more lionhearted than Tony could ever hope to be, he approaches Tony with the air of a man accepting certain death. Once again, he finally finds himself back at Tony’s side.

Where he belongs, Tony thinks, and something unfurls deep in his chest.

Tony looks up at him, his hand reaching up to gently wipe away the tear stains on Steve’s cheek. Steve is still looking at him like he’s a ticking time bomb.

Tony gathers all of his courage and takes a deep breath, looking straight into Steve’s impossibly blue eyes.

He bites the bullet.

“Kiss me.”

When Steve’s lips meet his, it feels a lot like coming home.