#where Bowser is from bullets are big and slow enough to see coming

[theunvanquishedzims]

One day Bowser is gone. Not just stewing after a loss or laying low plotting something, but GONE. Bowser Jr. crashes his cloud mobile through a window of Peach’s castle and accuses her of kidnapping his papa, because there can be no other reason why he would leave without telling anyone.

Mario and Luigi are sent to investigate. Mario interviews the Koopa Troopers, while Luigi searches the keep. It’s surprisingly easy to navigate, when the defenses aren’t set to keep people out, but there are still some spots trapped against snooping, so that’s where Luigi looks. Private study, laboratory, weapons locker, and eventually, in a tall tower, there’s a smoky room.

There’s a portal in the room. Not a shiny green warp pipe, clearly cobbled together and jury-rigged into functionality from many different machines, but Luigi recognizes the electricity in the air, the strong whiff of scent as he gets close. It smells like New York, under the smoke, like garbage and car exhaust and ocean breeze funneled through a grease fryer, and Luigi is shocked by how nostalgic he feels smelling it. There’s a burned-out battery pack still sparking nearby. The portal is dark.

Luigi opens a window to air out the smoke. He sees Mario down below, a bright red dot surrounded by green shells and brown bodies as Bowser’s minions crowd around him. Hears Bowser Jr. shrieking orders above the chatter, the clunk and creak of mechanical carts juddering to life as they prepare to search the surrounding countryside. A purple-clad Magikoopa is speeding through the air in the direction of the Boo’s haunted mansion, and Luigi shudders a little with relief that they won’t have to go rescue Bowser from a ghostly kidnapping.

Rescue Bowser. What an idea. Luigi chuckles a bit as he jots down a quick note for Mario, wraps it around a wrench and tosses it down into the courtyard. The battery pack is easily swapped out, plenty of spares scattered around the workshop, but Luigi doesn’t doubt this one will short out as well. It will be fine, between Mario and Mushroom Kingdom and Koopa Kingdom there are enough tech geniuses to do a proper repair and have it up and running by the time Luigi finds Bowser and convinces him to come back.

He swallows his nerves and keeps telling himself it’ll be fine as he steps through the portal. He’s not abandoning his brother, he’s not stranding himself in their hometown, and he’s definitely not going to have his essence extruded across the multiverse in twinkling particles by an untested technomagic portal.

And then he’s in a New York alley and Bowser is running towards him bleeding and panicked and there are sirens loud enough that Luigi almost doesn’t hear the portal crackle and die behind him, and he’s got bigger problems to worry about than dying because Bowser doesn’t get scared, that’s Luigi’s job.

Mama mia.

Okay, bowuigi soulmate AU on the suggestion of @scribeprotra

(sorry not sorry it came out angsty)

Though most people in the world of the Mushroom Kingdom speak English, they use a different alphabet from the "real" world, so for most of his life Luigi has had no idea what the first thing his soulmate was going to say to him was. He and Mario both looked, for years, but never found anything that looked like the letters on the back of Luigi's hand. Eventually Luigi just resigned himself to being alone for the rest of his life.

(Mario doesn't have a soulmate, which is not uncommon in this universe. It's not really a big deal and people without soulmates follow what we'd consider a more "normal" pattern of dating. Luigi doesn't know, but Mario made the decision to put romance on the back burner so he could support his brother.)

Then they fell into a warp pipe and landed in a world where they could understand everyone, but not read the signs. Luckily Princess Peach is the kind of person she is, and took it upon herself to help them settle in and look for a way home. On one excursion she ends up kidnapped, and Mario decides since she was only out there because of them, it's their responsibility to save her!

It all leads to Mario and Luigi in Bowser's castle, and though Luigi was reluctant to fight a giant fire-breathing turtle dragon, when he sees his brother in trouble he chucks a loose brick at Bowser's head and shouts "Hey! Big guy!"

Bowser turns around, sees a figure with a moustache and a stupid hat, and roars "YOU!" before realizing there's two of them.

They rescue the princess, they're celebrated as heroes, and Luigi and Bowser both more or less forget they spoke at all (Bowser more, Luigi less).

Years pass, including a lot more fights, a few team-ups, and eventually the agreement to try a few friendly competitions to keep things civil. When Luigi discovered his soulmate mark was the local alphabet he was excited, at first, but he's already used to disappointment and he's conflicted about the exact word. Is it angry? Surprised? What if he's doomed to get off on the wrong foot with the person who's supposed to be his partner?

Then one day, at one of those friendly sporting competitions with Bowser and his team, Bowser spots Luigi making a note to himself and suddenly grabs him.

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"What you're writing. Where did you learn that?"

"It's just how we wrote back where Mario and I grew up, it doesn't mean anything bad."

Bowser suddenly rips the collar off his throat and points at the writing there. "What does this say?"

It says Hey! Big guy! And though Luigi can't be certain (it's been YEARS) he has a horrible horrible feeling that the exchange between his soulmate words and Bowser's is very familiar.

Bowser seems completely oblivious to any of this and just starts asking Luigi where he's from and how to get there. Luigi doesn't even realize why Bowser is asking until he says "I don't know how to get back, Mario and I decided to stay here," and Bowser does NOT like that answer. Luigi can't bring himself to say what he's thinking. Maybe it's not true? Maybe Bowser is right and his soulmate is still waiting for him in Brooklyn?

Bowser talks to Peach after the match is over and says he's sorry but he's finally got a chance to find his real soulmate and he's going to have to end their flirtation. Peach, ever the diplomat, says she understands.

Time passes. Bowser is doing research on his own on how to cross between worlds. But for some reason he keeps coming by and asking Luigi about it. He says it's just to make things easier once he gets there, but after a while they start talking about other things. They start to become something like friends.

One day Bowser mentions how much it hurts to hope after all this time. About how he'd resigned himself to being alone for the rest of his life. Luigi almost confesses then, but he's afraid of how furious Bowser will be knowing that Luigi hid it from him all this time. How can he admit he didn't tell Bowser straight away because he didn't want him?

[heloflor]

Finally saw the Mario movie last Thursday (I like to wait a week so that the theatre is emptier) and here are my 2 cents on it (very long post + spoilers ahead) :

- First of all note that I’ve seen many spoilers before going in because I didn’t know what to expect so I wanted to know what people thought of it, but it’s one of those movies where knowing things in advance doesn’t ruin the enjoyment for me. Hell I intended to go with no expectations whatsoever and reading spoilers actually got me a bit more excited about it.

- Overall, it was fun. Like many people here already said, the movie really could’ve used more time in order to be more character-focused, and I’ll admit I got a bit bored by the time the third act rolled in. But if you just want to have a good time, it’s a good movie for that. Nothing groundbreaking, but fun enough.

- As an adaptation as in “bringing the world into the big screen regardless of the story”, I do think that it does a fantastic job at it ! Absolutely everything feels like it comes straight out of the games. And while some references are a bit in your face, most of them flow very naturally with the world they created. It’s especially impressive how they managed to make a small Toad Town work while mixing it with platforming elements.

- The story is simple like you’d expect but sometimes simple is effective, and I do think this is one of those times. Only issue is that simple stories are meant to be carried by the characters, and there was a heavy lack of character-focused moments. On top of this you have the weird pacing, in particular the promise of a great adventure only to have a 15 seconds montage and boom, Kong Kingdom.

- The action was honestly very good all around ! They knew how to idolize both the power-ups and the environments, and it looked really cool !

- At first I thought people were exaggerating when saying there was too much slow-mo but after the 6th time or so…yeah, there was too much of it.

- Loved when the music used were remixes from the games or songs like the Mario Cartoon theme/DK rap ! Not so much when it was random pop music…

- Usually when I see people gush over characters I tend to view it as exaggeration but OH MY GOD I CANNOT OVERSTATE HOW MUCH I LOVE BOWSER IN THIS !!! As someone who grew up with Super Paper Mario I can assure you he is 100% in character and he is literally the best thing about the movie ! They managed to bounce off of both his menacing and goofy sides in an amazing way and I cannot get enough of him ! Kinda wish we saw his kids tho : /

- As someone who doesn’t ship it, I wasn’t expecting to enjoy the sexual tension scene between Bowser and Luigi as much as I did but damn that scene is gay ! Love it !

- The humor was something I was really afraid going in and I was honestly surprised by how medium-good it was actually ! Can’t say I laughed every time but the bros shenanigans definitely was fun.

- On that note I could’ve watched an hour long movie of just the two bros doing Brooklyn stuff. This whole sequence was adorable.

- Speaking of Brooklyn, the ending was…weird on that front. First of all I’m surprised Mario didn’t expect the Bullet Bill to arrive in Brooklyn and literally kill everyone (like dude, do you realize how dangerous that thing is ???) and second of all those people are surprisingly calm to see the invasion of a whole other species. Seriously, why are these people so chill about it ?

- I guess I could also mention the fact that there’s no dialogue related to Mario and Luigi deciding to settle into the Mushroom Kingdom but considering the lack of development in everything else, I’m not surprised they went so fast on that.

- I’d also add that the ending of the Rainbow Road scene felt a bit jarring in how dramatic it was, though I don’t know how to explain it other than saying it felt like the movie didn’t “deserve” to have such a dramatic moment ? Really not sure how to explain it better… And on that note, the whole “fake death/everyone think they’re dead” moment with Mario and DK felt very unnecessary, but at least they didn’t drag it out.

- Last negative comment on the story itself because it is so true : I saw the review of a French youtuber (Mayo-Lek) and he pointed out how the whole story is about Mario and Peach going to the Kong Kingdom for help, only for the Kongs to get kidnapped a few minutes later. So…what was the point in asking for their help if they ultimately don’t do anything ?

- Going back to the characters, Luigi was great ! And like everyone else here, I do wish he would’ve had more screen time. But other than that, love his character for what we saw of him.

- The Luma that is apparently divisive amongst people was very funny in my opinion. Also at some point they literally get out of their cell for a second there ! Tells you all you need to know about their character (low-key surprised they didn’t jump into the lava by themselves but then again it’s a kids movie).

- That blue-shelled koopa dude clearly loves his job. Good for him. Weirdly enough, his enthusiasm in trying to kill Mario makes him very fun and a pretty compelling character for the small screen time he had.

- Toad was…there. At least he was entertaining instead of annoying. So that’s a plus.

- Btw the fact that they didn’t have Toadsworth was already a bit sad but THEY HAD ANOTHER TOAD WHO HAD THE EXACT SAME ROLE AS HE DID WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL NINTENDO ??!!! WHY DO YOU HATE ORIGINAL DESIGNS SO MUCH ???

- Kinda random but I don’t know the reference for that Kong who drove Mario and co to Cranky Kong, so my only thought was “it should’ve been Funky Kong”. I mean he had the glasses ! And yes I know Funky is in the movie in the background.

- I cannot fucking stand Donkey Kong. Not exactly sure what kind of personality I expected them to give him since he doesn’t really have one in the games, but I absolutely hate what they did with him. “Boastful douchebag with nothing in their brain who tries to be the center of attention constantly and annoy the hell of everyone around him” is a type of character, and on that note a type of person, that I can’t fucking stand. That being said giving him a power up for a minute was really cool and made for a great action scene ! Same for his fight with Mario in the arena, but again the action in general was really good.

- Peach. Oh Peach. Peaches. Peachounette as he calls her in French. Look how they massacred my girl !

- More seriously, my biggest issue by far with Peach is just how much she was willing to throw hands all the goddam time. I’m sorry but to me that’s just not Peach ! While she can absolutely spring into action, her constantly wishing to fight as a first solution is just not something she does. Hell why do you think her people are so weak and pacifist in the games ! Peach is a diplomat who only fights herself if there’s no other option.

- On that note, I have no issues with her knowing how to parkour, how to use power-ups or how to drive. It makes sense she would given she was raised in this world. Her being athletic isn’t an issue, she’s always been athletic (just look at any sports game). Plus in the games where she’s playable she’s capable of keeping up with the others.

- My second biggest issue with her is her body language. Again, most of it didn’t feel like Peach. She had none of the delicateness and elegance of the games. Literally the only moment her body language felt like her was during the fight between Mario and Dk, and even then it was only when the movie wasn’t focusing on her (aka when she wasn’t talking to Mario but just reacting). Her face was also unsettling to look at sometimes, I think it has to do with her eyes. Idk, sometimes some of her facial expressions made her look old and I can’t explain why. 🤷‍♂️

- (Also it’s incredibly funny how some youtube thumbnails have edits of Peach moments but as Daisy and that body language fits Daisy perfectly. That being said, I wouldn’t call Movie Peach a clone of Daisy, as Daisy is a very spunky tomboyish character who gives a “I don’t care all that much about ruling my kingdom” vibe. So while movie Peach has a body language that fits Daisy, their personalities are still completely different.)

- A good example of my issues with her behavior and body language has to be the way she addresses Cranky and the rest of the Kongs. Peach in the games would have a completely different behavior when asking for their help, regardless of how dire the situation is.

- And on that, the only scene where she felt in character personality-wise was when she confronted Bowser and he threatened to hurt her people if she doesn’t marry him. This scene was absolutely *chief kiss* for both of them (then again every scene with Bowser is amazing; I can’t get enough of this guy !). But then she started becoming a martial-artist and suddenly we were back to her being OOC (you can have her use the power-up and manage to stall the cages + trap Bowser without having her look like a professional fighter, Smash Bros apparently already does it).

- I guess I could also mention how overly sassy she is, which again doesn’t feel like Peach as, while she does have some sassiness in the games, it’s not to this extent. The fact that the Toads made her their princess doesn’t make much sense either, like why electing some random person who comes from another world ? What about the government before her ? (note that I’m a big fan of the “she’s a toad wearing a super crown, in this case her blue gem” headcanon so I might be biased) But yeah those two issues are kinda minor for me compared to her behavior and body language.

- All this to say if they wanted Peach to have a more action-oriented role, they should’ve taken inspiration from Super Paper Mario in which she’s incredibly sweet to pretty much everyone but can still easily get angry and has no issues throwing hands when needed (thinking of her confrontation with Mimi in 8-2, and even then, like I’ve seen people point out, the first thing she does after the fight is trying to save/befriend Mimi).

- I guess there’s also that one comic people keep bringing up but the fun thing about Peach in it is that she’s all bark and no bite. She keeps getting angry like she can actually do anything but then gets captured very easily, spends most of the fight scenes running around, only gets away from Wendy’s tower by sheer luck (finding the cape) and does nothing when Wendy calls her bluff with the bombs. The most she does in this comic to defend herself, outside of when she outsmarts the Koopalings (which I’ll admit was pretty badass) is throw furniture around. In a way, it’s pretty reminiscent of the 1986 anime/movie in which she gets angry on several occasions, defends herself by throwing shit around and manages to outsmart Bowser at some point, but ultimately doesn’t stand a chance against him.

- (Btw if you haven’t read this comic you need to ! Everyone is an absolute dumbass in it but in a funny way and it’s great ! Can’t say I know much about them but reading it low-key feels like watching an absurd play. Nothing and nobody take itself seriously in this comic and I love it !)

- On an unrelated note since I mentioned the wedding, I really liked the pink tones on her wedding dress ! The ice dress did look a bit weird tho in the sense that it makes me think too much of Frozen, though I’m not sure what they could have done about it since ice = blue and white colors so I can’t blame the movie for this one 🤔 (also fireflower Peach didn’t have her ponytail, 0/10 /j)

- And since I’m talking about clothes, not much to say for the most part as it’s all stuff the characters wear in the games but still I really liked the look of DK using the fire flower, plus the Koopas wearing helmets was a nice touch.

- Last thing about Peach and then we move on to the others, apparently Miyamoto said this version of Peach is what he’s always imagined the character to be and honestly, I’m having a hard time believing him. Like, I can definitely see it when it comes to the old comic and the 86 anime, since in both Peach is very temperamental (the comic especially). Paper Peach is also not one to sit idly and tends to have a lot more agency, at least in the first trilogy. But if you look at more modern depictions of her…Luigi Mansion 3 ? Mario Odyssey ? The online ads and shit ? Mario and Luigi ? The second Paper Mario trilogy ? The Rabbids games ? Hell in the first Rabbids game she had a gun but in the second they went back to her parasol.

- What I’m trying to say is that if Miyamoto had always wanted Peach to be written this way, why didn’t he write her this way ? Isn’t he one of the most higher-ups at Nintendo, at least when it comes to Mario games ? How come her older depictions are closer to her movie self in terms of temper than her modern depictions, to the point where people need to dig up some old comic to “prove” that Peach had always been this way instead of using modern material ?

- And for those who might say it’s because the goal of the games is almost always to save her, it’s not like she can’t both get angry easily and be the damsel in distress. In the first two Paper Mario games and the comic/86 anime, she was the one in need of saving but still had some agency. The two aren’t mutually exclusive (and like I said the humor with her in the comic is the difference between how much she wants to throw hands and how weak she actually is). Hell, on the opposite end Super Paper Mario had her as an active hero but portrayed her as sweet and kind + a diplomat. So yeah, I’m having trouble believing that this whole “this is how I always imagined her” is anything other than a publicity stunt.

- And on the other end of the body language, Mario was absolutely fantastic as a character, especially when it comes to his reactions to things ! Best example I can give because it amused me a lot was when Luigi mic-dropped his phone and Mario hid his face behind his hat in embarrassment, made even cuter due to him jumping to Luigi’s defense a second later. But yeah, overall, I really liked Mario’s character, not just his body language but his personality as a whole.

- They kinda tried to give a few hints that Peach and Mario like each other but honestly I found it to be very clumsy. Basically you could tell they were planting the seeds for a possible romance but were using moments that you’re used to see in a movie where the characters end up together. And since they never truly commit to them ending up together, while it does make perfect sense as they just met, it still makes the whole thing feel weird. Also the scene with DK teasing Mario about it and Toad jumping in was cringe af.

- Not really any opinions about Mario’s family. They were there. It’s nice to acknowledge them being Italian-americans and how they feel about the bros’ new job in regard to their upbringing, but other than that, I don’t really have anything to say about them.

- I watched the movie in French and the voices were pretty good ! Different from the game voices, but fitting enough for the characters. Only issues were Peach sounding too deep but then again that’s not my biggest issue with her character, and the second issue is the song “Peaches” where the French voice just…doesn’t sound all that good in some parts ? Though I think it might have been on purpose to accentuate the comedy of that scene ? Idk, I need to listen to the English version. Maybe the fact that people kept hyping up this song led me to believe it sounded genuinely good instead of people liking it for the comedy and how out of left field it was (on that note, I was surprised by how short this scene was due to how much people talked about it; this song is actually the one thing I regret being spoiled about).

- (also you have no idea how much I hope someone will make an edit/animation of Bowser playing the piano but with “You’re the Greatest” from Wander Over Yonder)

- And since we’re talking about voice actors, obviously Charles Martinet was 100% robbed and the only valid reason that I can accept is “Martinet himself said he didn’t think he had it in him to voice Mario and possibly Luigi as well for over an hour, given he’s getting rather old; especially if he does it in several languages”. If that’s not why he wasn’t casted, then he was robbed ! He’s literally the main reason why Mario and Luigi have the personalities that they have in modern games ! (at least I think that’s the case ?)

- Overall, favorite character has to be Bowser, with Mario and Luigi not too far away. Least favorite character is DK. It could’ve been Peach but my issues with her stem from how different she is from her games counterpart. If you take her movie character as a brand-new character rather than a game adaptation, she’s actually pretty great as a guide and strong mentor. But DK, regardless of whether or not he’s faithful to his game counterpart, is just a character I can’t stand.

- Favorite scene is either the beginning at Brooklyn with the bros being bros because it’s adorable (granted the whole dog thing wasn’t very funny. I have no issue with them doing slapsticks but the fact that they used some random dog just doesn’t do it for me), or the scene where Bowser proposes to/blackmails Peach because finally Peach is in character and that whole interaction is really great ! Least favorite scene is by far the insides of the eel with Mario and DK. I just don’t give enough of a shit about DK to feel invested in an emotional moment focused on him.

- And lastly because I realized I forgot : the movie was really pretty, with the decors and animation being absolutely fantastic. Only issue is that it’s not the type of stuff that sways me into liking a movie. I’m the type of person who finds retro games to look great so yeah… Same for the references btw. Like if you ask me about a detail in the movie I liked, instead of mentioning a reference, I will mention something like that confrontation/confession between Bowser and Peach and how, when Peach threatens Bowser with her weapon, the koopas around her immediately raise their spears, ready to protect their king. Like I said, this has literally nothing to do with references, it’s just a random detail I really like. I still really enjoyed all the references but it’s just not the type of stuff that makes me like a movie. I’m here for the story, the characters and the emotions first and foremost.

Final verdict : either 5.5/10 or 6.5/10 The simple plot makes it seem like a character driven story but outside of the bros’ adorable relationship and Bowser being Bowser, there wasn’t much character here. Also Peach and DK were pretty bad, the former due to being OOC most of the time and the latter because he’s just annoying as all hell.

I’d also add that, in my opinion, the biggest mistake Nintendo made with this movie was trusting Illumination with it. While I’m very much aware that Nintendo likely had a very strong grip on the team working on it and that Nintendo also isn’t known for liking deep Mario stories (*cough* modern Paper Mario *cough*), I still think that the lack of character development and interesting dialogue interactions (+ pacing issues) are due to Illuminations, given their track record.

Weirdly enough since I’ve only seen a few of their movies, I feel like Dreamworks would have been the best at handling this property. Like we’re all quick to jump on the Disney/Pixar bandwagon (and tbf Disney does know how to write female characters that are considered princesses) but in that case I can’t help but think that Dreamworks would have been the better choice. Maybe it’s due to Disney and Pixar being not so great recently. 🤷‍♂️

In any case, I do think that making it an animated movie was 100% the right call. Mario is a bright and colorful world filled with imaginary creatures, something animation excels at. Also Nintendo already tried Live-action once and failed miserably so maybe that’s why they took the animation direction.

[itsbenedict]

Kingdoms and Koopas: Ep. 7

K&K is a Fate Accelerated campaign set in the Mario universe, which I’m running for three players:

Bee @thebeeskneesocks​, playing Kandace Koopa

Jovian @jovian12​, playing Cozmo Naut

Malky @sleepdepravity​, playing Dr. Chevy Chain

Last time | Archive | Next time

Previously on Kingdoms and Koopas, the party journeyed to the Magic Kingdom in search of... well, a client, on Dr. Chain’s part, and the next Music Key on Kandace and Cozmo’s part. They arrived, got shot out of cannons, met the princess of the kingdom, and, oops, got entered in a kart-racing competition on Rainbow Road.

...Okay, some of them are on infirmary duty.

Dr. Chevy Chain arrives at the infirmary for the racers, where she learns a behind-the-scenes secret about how these things operate: since kart racing involves so much spectacular violence, they need a way to get racers who’ve been severely injured back onto the track to finish the race. The league’s solution, at least here in the Magic Kingdom, at the very deadliest course in the sport, is to hire a team of time magicians who can stop time and evacuate injured racers to the infirmary, where the doctors can keep an eye on them.

Unfortunately, while the time-stoppers are fine, it seems most of the usual pit crew doctors have, uh, quit. Over intolerable working conditions, apparently. Too many injuries too quickly, they said! Couldn’t handle that much carnage at once, they said! This probably bodes well.

The only remaining doctor- besides the recently-hired Chevy- is one Doctor Moneybags, a well-dressed koopa who sings the praises of what he calls his revolutionary technique of Monetary Medicine. You see, people like to get richer, so when you give them coins, they recover health! It’s very simple, a well-documented phenomenon, he claims. Even the famous Super Mario swears by it!

Chevy is suspicious.

Meanwhile, Kandace and Cozmo take their karts down to the starting line, and meet the other racers. There’s a few nobodies in the running, but there’s also some other racers who are not nobodies.

Bowser Jr. is here- the prince of the place they live, whoops. Probably not great to get on his bad side. The weird hooded figure with the pink beak and white gloves that apparently works for Kammy is here- apparently meaning to get his hands on that magical music orb that they’re offering as the prize. A masked vigilante is here- a mustachioed man calling himself “Mr. L”, racing “for the sake of freedom”. There’s also, just, a Yoshi, who doesn’t have a kart, and seems to intend to just run it as a footrace. 

Kandace and the hooded figure get in a little argument over who’s going to win- it’s going to be the hooded figure! No, it’s going to be Kandace! NO, says one of the other racers, it’s gonna be HIM! He’s the CHAMP!

That’s right- the RAWK is here! Well-versed in being the champion of things, there’s no doubt he’s going to be the winner! Look at his championship belt- proof he’s the favorite to win! His hordes of adoring fans in the audience ain’t gonna be disappointed! 

So, before the race starts: here’s how we handled things mechanically.

The race is two laps around the course. Each turn, everyone picks an action, and then moves a default number of spaces, representing basic driving competency. Various opportunities to pick up speed, impede foes, and careen wildly out of control and fall off the map exist. Each colored section of track represents a new set of obstacles, and the blue lines represent rows of item boxes. Whenever you enter a new zone on your turn, you take on the associated challenge- steering around sharp turns, tricking off ramps, using boost pads without falling off, etc. 

By default, the players’ karts and the named characters move 3 spaces per turn, with the last-place fodder moving two per turn. If your kart has high top speed, like Cozmo’s magical muscle car, you move +1 space as long as you didn’t crash or get hit the previous turn. If it has high acceleration, like Kandace’s broom, you move +1 space when you do get hit or crash or fall off, since you recover faster from setbacks. (There’s also +handling, which helps on sharp turns and hazard rolls, but neither of them sprung for that one.)

With that in mind... let’s start the race!

Kandace shoots out ahead to an early lead on the straightaway with a high Quick roll- but she’s trailed by Rawk Hawk, whose kart seems to break regulations- it’s equipped with a huge engine from another speed class. Where the heck’s the ref, huh? This guy’s cheating!

Unfortunately, right after the straightaway, there’s some sharp turns. And... well, Kandace and Cozmo both have Careful as their dump stat, and that’s the stat you need to roll to be good at not falling off the course. So, naturally, they both roll terribly and fall right off. (Kandace tries a cool stunt she learned from watching Cozmo, but watching isn’t the same as doing, and she totally wipes out.) One of the trackside safety assistants, a lakitu with a ponytail named Lakilulu, rescues Kandace and berates her for trying something so stupid, which doesn’t go over well. How come she’s gotta be so rude about saving her life?

Rawk Hawk’s pulled into the lead. Up next is a series of narrow boost pads on a narrow section of the course- it’s risky to go for them, since it ups your chances of falling off, but if you can manage it, that’s a ton of extra distance. They both go for it, and... also fail, again. Rawk Hawk’s lead would be crazy at this point, but thankfully Mr. L manages to snipe him with a green shell. 

(Bringing up the rear is Yoshi, who moves one space per turn and is just here to have a good time.)

Bowser Jr. is coming up behind them, and Kandace wants to shake him- so she convinces her stuffy shadow, Carbonado, that winning this race is an important school assignment, since the prize is the headmistress’s magic orb. He assists by shifting into the appearance of Bowser, and scolding Bowser Jr. for playing hooky to race go-karts.

As people start to catch up, Rawk Hawk pulls out a bob-omb! Except... he’s been in first place this whole time, so how’d he even get that? Cheating again! He tosses it and knocks down a track marker, causing an iron beam to fall into the track and obstruct the racers. 

Thankfully, Kandace picked up an item of her own- she lucked into grabbing the lightning, and deploys it now- everyone shrinks except her. She actually pulls off Cozmo’s stunt this time, and jumps the beam on her broom-bike- while Cozmo, shrunken, manages to drive right underneath. They’re hot on the birdman’s heels now!

The next section is Cozmo’s time to shine: it’s a wide-open area with loads of ramps to trick off of, and he’s been training for this his entire life. He gets some sick air- and Kandace does pretty well, too! With the extra speed from the jumps, they manage to catch up to Rawk Hawk.

Cozmo, too, grabbed an item- he manages to hit Rawk Hawk with a green shell, and the hooded figure tosses a red shell at same. The Rawk is stopped dead, and Cozmo and Kandace shoot out into the lead! (Even Yoshi manages to make up some ground, using a bullet bill ride item.)

Here’s the problem with being in first place, though: this is Mario Kart.

So as soon as Kandace makes it up through the star slingshot, what’s waiting for her is a big blue surprise.

Time stops, and Kandace- plus Mr. L and Bowser Jr., who both took some pretty nasty hits- are rushed to the infirmary by Lakitu. Oh, also one of the last-placers, a boo, is there. 

Chevy and Dr. Moneybags have to divide up the work. Chevy opts to treat Bowser Jr. and the boo- the boo because it’s an interesting medical challenge, and Bowser Jr. because it’s always good to have the prince in your debt. Bowser Jr. is thankful both for the treatment and the apparent respect she gives him, and he says he’ll put in a good word with his dad. The boo... well, she tries her best. Apparently too much light exposure from a particularly bright fireball- she treats him by stuffing him under a bed, where it’s dark. Sure.

Meanwhile, Doctor Moneybags is mumbling something to himself as he gets out some coins to treat Kandace��s explosion burns. Chevy tries to listen in, but can’t make it out. Dang it!

Once everyone’s back on the racetrack, time resumes- there’s more sharp turns, which slows them down, but Cozmo takes the lead, clearing the last section of obstacles. It’s an incredibly steep slope dotted with pits and bumps. There’s a lot of ways to handle it, but Cozmo does so by being quick enough to take a shortcut around most of the hazards early on. As he blasts ahead on the straightaway, Kandace is neck-and-neck with Rawk Hawk and the hooded figure, fighting for second.

The hooded figure wipes out on the downhill jam to the finish, and Kandace and Rawk Hawk keep moving. Kandace grabs a fake item box right before the sharp turns, and... she thinks she might use her magic to try and do them right, this time. She’s not sure if it’d be against the rules to use magic, though- she eventually decides to play it safe, and tries the turns on her own. Her move pays off- she clears them and pulls ahead of Rawk Hawk as he wipes out on the turns. Kandace deploys the fake item box, which gets him again when he recovers, slowing him down even more. Our heroes have developed a comfortable lead- so you know what that means.

Cozmo eats blue shell, and gets sent to the infirmary. There’s also a random toad there, and... well. Chevy has a plan, this time. First, she volunteers to treat Cozmo- and then, she tells him the plan.

Chevy asks Doctor Moneybags to swap patients- and he acquiesces, taking Cozmo to his table. Cozmo’s task is to listen very closely to what exactly Moneybags is muttering as he treats him- and since X-Nauts are genetically-engineered to be loyal soldiers who listen closely to orders, his excellent hearing lets him hear it exactly. And a lucky roll on remembering things... means he knows what the magic spell he hears Moneybags casting is.

He heard about it while waiting outside one of Kandace’s classrooms for her to come out and do some more of the magical experiments she likes to do on him- apparently, this is a healing spell that responsible mages recommend you not use. The incantation imparts healing energy to an object- but the side-effect is that the patient develops a powerful addiction to that object for some time. When used on coins, this manifests as uncontrollable greed.

Cozmo tells Chevy about this, and Chevy reports this to one of the timestop Wizzerds, who agrees to keep an eye out for some way this could unfairly affect the race.

...I wonder how, though? Not a lot of money on the track... and why’s Moneybags doing this, anyway?

Aaaaanyway, the race continues! 

Cozmo’s still got a bit of a lead, but the sharp turns are coming up, and he’s no good at those. Still- he manages it, just barely, and keeps out in front! 

Meanwhile, Kandace is fighting to maintain second place. As she does so, she hits an item box- and gets a special item! Specifically, her special item, Double Dash style. Her special item is... a permission slip?

The permission slip permits her to use her own magic, once, to interfere with the match. So... good thing she decided not to use it earlier, without the permission slip! She uses her magic, in this case, to transmogrify the wheels on Rawk Hawk’s cart- into squares, with a turn-round-things-square spell. RH screeches to a halt, his wheels no longer cooperating.

Cozmo, meanwhile, is headed into the final downhill jam on his way to the finish line! But... what’s this?

Rawk Hawk’s many adoring fans are in the stands by the finish line, and they’re... dumping something onto the track! It’s money- loads and loads of money! An embarrassment of coins!

And Cozmo and Kandace, who Chevy let Moneybags treat, feel an overpowering urge to stop their karts, get out, and start scooping up as much money as they possibly can.

Cozmo, by a feat of willpower, and possibly by a feat of going way too fast to slow down in time, manages to resist bailing and going for the coins- and that’s all it takes for him to cross the finish line, and come in first place! 

And after that, thanks to Chevy warning the Wizzerd, time stops and the racetrack staff clean the coins off the track, clearing the hazard. Rawk Hawk’s plan- bribe the doctors to leave, replace them with his own doctor, have that doctor enchant everyone to crave coins, have his fans dump money on the track, watch as his competition abandons the race to gather pennies- has been summarily foiled!

Kandace- attempting again to pull off Cozmo’s sick stunts- flies into the air, over the pits, and with an incredible burst of speed manages to follow Cozmo across the finish line to steal second! The hooded figure, muttering something about cheaters, takes third- and Rawk Hawk is overtaken by the Yoshi and takes dead last, as his square wheels refuse to move.

Shortly thereafter, Kandace, Cozmo, and the hooded figure are escorted to the victory ceremony! Cozmo accepts the first-place trophy from Opal- who then gives Kandace the silver trophy and tells her that she knew she could do it!

The third-place winner, the tall hooded figure whose pink beak sticks out of the magical darkness of the hood... mutters something. He says “Waaaa... everybody cheated but me!”

Actually, maybe that’s a nose, not a beak...?

Kandace doesn’t care, though, because the prize is being brought out- and, uh. Well. It’s, um... it’s a large hovering sphere of intricate brasswork, housing a complicated magical mechanism that plays music on its own. It’s clearly very fancy and expensive-looking, and the crowd gasps when they see it. To Cozmo Naut goes the Orb of Orchestration!

Which, if you recall, is not even slightly the magical music orb they came up here to find.

Kandace turns on her magic-sensing, and notes that the Music Key is still hovering somewhere over Rainbow Road, invisible. She takes off from the victory podium and just... sorta flies in its direction for a bit, until she CLANGs into something large and invisible, well before reaching it.

Opal, concerned, follows her- and casts a spell to dispel the invisibility effect on whatever it is that’s hovering over the course.

From down in the crowds, one Oneiro Naut, who was definitely just here studying dreams with Princess Opal and not anything more nefarious than that, screams “OUR COVER IS BLOWN!”, and various toads in the audience- who reveal themselves to be X-Nauts and alien bunnies wearing papier-mache toad disguises- begin pointing ray guns and taking hostages.

(Y’all, remember that prophecy about how “a dream is a nightmare waiting to happen?)

From the giant UFO roughly the size of the entire racetrack, hovering over everything, comes a booming voice that is horrifyingly familiar to our newly-crowned Rainbow Road champion: the voice of one Sir Grodus, ordering his troops to commence the invasion of the Magic Kingdom.

SO GET READY FOR THAT TO HAPPEN NEXT TIME???

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