#whenever I’m like well I need to be stimming rn

[isdalinarhot]

Since the Oathbringer bottle opener has been declared useless for opening up vodka bottles it just lives near where I keep my favorite shot glass and thus fulfills its purpose as the Official Stim Toy Of Alcoholism

[ghostofcitrus]

more gender crisis bc i need somewhere to document this shit and also if u wanna read and say smth that’s cool too 🥺 fair warning it’s kinda longgg. but there’s a tl;dr and i tried to make the paragraphs short so it’s easy to read and i sorted the thoughts by paragraphs

ok so when i see a girl or group of girls or smth i, for the most part, am like yeah same. i have the same lived experience and like yeah u look cool and i relate in a lot of ways.

but like i also feel the same w non-binary ppl. i see agender ppl and i’m like oh nice that sounds like how i want to live MY life!! i get jelous. i saw a gender ambiguous person the other day and i thouvht i was going to lose my mind i was like AKSJSHJSJSNS Y O U. I WANT TO BE YOU. i talked to them i was like 😭😭i love your hair😭😭 and it was so compelling just seeing them i got my hair cut later that week. i like it.

and i cut my hair and i’m like y e s. and i’ve always wanted a very small/flat chest and have planned on getting a breast reduction (meaning i want basically no tits. i’m like a DDD rn. and i’m short and have a baby face so that’s like. very noticeable. pain.) ASAP. but i like dress and being seen as a girl? but i also want to be non binary, but it feels like something im striving for. i don’t feel like i’m there. i feel like i WANT to be there but i just keep hitting roadblocks.

when i think about OTHER girls, i’m like yeah. i relate to that. but when i think about myself. fully isolated. i want to present like a feminine agender person. i am connected to my girlhood. girl, sister, girlfriend, daughter... all of them accurately describe me. but i also like person, sibling, partner, child.

i like femininity. i like being seen like that. and being seen as a girl is cool and fine. but i don’t feel like it accurately describes all of me. but i’m like scared??

i want to be a “girl” in the way that when u look at me ur like ... is that a girl? my face i like lmao. it’s round and feminine. cool lol. my body.... i wish with like all my heart i woke up one day w/o titties or major curves. but i’ve literally work so hard to accept and like myself in my body. YEARS of forcing myself to look in the mirror and compliment myself. deconstructing fatphobia was a big part of it. but in my head. with no mirrors around. i think of myself as less curvy. a small fame, but not really curvy. much more neutral features. i forget what i actually look like. but when i do look in the mirror now i’m like she’s pretty. i like how she looks. nice. but it doesn’t really feel like me. but i feel cool. it’s like nice makeup that’s someone else chose for u and never comes off. like yes. that’s nice. but... it’s not like “me”. i feel like that about most of my features. but i’ve grown up in them. i don’t hate them. i think they look pretty and i feel confident enough like this. and after all the work i’ve done to get to this mindset... it’s just not what i want.

i think part of what’s messing with me is i’m automatically more comfortable with other girls/afabs, like we just share experiences and i can generally understand how they socialize. guys like,.. not so much. but most of my actual friends have ended up being guys. but im naturally wary of guys. and most around me end up being fucking republicans anyways. and another part of what’s getting to me is when i’m going about my life, i enjoy being stereotypically feminine. like i like to be taken care of, feel small , that bs. maybe it’s internalized misogyny that i feel like the only way i can be that is as a girl.

i also think i just have no idea what it would really feel like to go about the world non-binary. like i just want to keep blending into the background. i don’t want to be that noticeably different, i’m already autistic.

i think it’s also weird bc since middle school have been having periodic gender crisises but they always end in me just getting embarrassed, finding transmeds on the internet and also getting embarresed, not wanting to stop being feminine, or deciding it’s just not worth it.

and i think another thing is, i’ve always felt more connected to girls, but always on the outskirts of that, but that might just be because i’m autistic. but like i’m feminine in the sense that i like dresses. and being taken care of that and that shit. girls tend to really fucking irk me a lot of the times. i don’t really feel “connected” to them, more like “stuck” with them but making the best of it. some are pretty cool :) tbh it’s mostly just other autistic or queer girls i vibe with. other than that.. i struggle a lot to feel connected.

speaking of being autistic.... i’m realizing a lot of what i’m feeling is similar to how i felt when i first started to consider that i was autistic. when i was alone or in a space i was totally comfy in, i felt very confident that i was autistic. but when i was around people, i was like no i’m definitely not. and even now. i know i mask whenever i’m not alone. but i’m literally so fucking used to it it’s not hard at all. it hardly feels like a mask. just a different version of me. not the most authentic, but it’s how i operate around others. so whatever. not what i like per say. but in most cases, i can deal with it and still be perfectly happy (ish). this is exactly how i feel about all of this gender shit.

but i think part of my hesitancy to identify like this is i’ve never met ppl irl who identify as non-binary. that wouldn’t be a group for me to find and relate to and be comfortable with, i’d just be the different one. and i’m already different. and people don’t really get neopronouns and that shit.

ok and i’m anxious about my boyfriend as well. he’s a straight guy, idk how he’d feel about me being non binary. but i don’t want to sacrifice our relationship, so it’d be fine, because i also like my name and pronouns now. i like the shortened version of my name better tbh but i think my name sounds cool. mostly because saying it is a vocal stim for me, same with my partners name fore some reason. i just think they’re good names. they feel good to hear and say. and i’ve always been described that way and i’m like yeah that’s me.

i like dresses. feminine clothes? yes pleaseee. i like how girl are generally the ones who get taken care of. i like feeling small and dainty. i like being silly and cute. but like ... silly and cute arent like “girl things”?? but idk.

but i like “girl”. not “ladies” or “woman”. that feels too much like “female” and the only time i feel like i relate to that at all is in very specific situations. i’m feminine. i like that. i wish i could be feminine in an androgynous way tho????????

TL;DR: closing thoughts. if i were the only person on earth and i could do whatever i wanted like magically. i would change my appearance to look like my picrew... but like for an ex think Crona from Soul Eater of Ed from Cowboy Bebop. both of them are androgynous but when i see both of them i’m like they’re kinda feminine too! like that’s what i want to look like. i’d probably go by Citrus and neopronouns and maybe she/her (they’re fine but i feel like i’m lying about being non binary when i use them). ya know. how i want to be. but in reality. i am scared of that. it sounds like a lot of work and a big change that i could probably never really achieve. i also hate change. and constantly explaining shit.

also do cis people PINE over this shit the way i am? i’ve done this multiple times for years. not consistently bc tbh i have other shit i need to spend energy on but when i’m not pouring energy into somewhere else i tend to circle back to this. maybe that’s a sign that i’m right.

[shitthehousessay]

 Alright, it took a day (albeit I haven't really had much of a chance to work on it), but it's finally done. Here's my responses to the 102 questions^^. I probably put too much personal info on this site lol.

I’m doing this on my laptop because of how long it is, but answers are under the cut. Hope you enjoy random tidbits about me!

--Zero (the [other] Ravenclaw)

1. What is their full name?

While I usually use and prefer Zero Ace as an online name, my irl name is Solomon.

2. Zodiac sign

Pisces

3. In detail describe how they look

I'm 5'10" with a build like Shaggy Rodgers. I'm about,,,, less than 120lbs (that's a guess really, it's probably way less or slightly more.). You ever see a cloud? Yeah, imagine one as black wavy/curly hair with red tips (natural, not dyed) that goes to about the bottom of my neck. Brown eyes, half philipino (no, I don't know any of the language), decent moustache, and I've been told by various people that they thought I was a stoner when they first met me.

4. How old are they?

I am 16

5. What clothes to they like to wear?

I don't really have any kind of set style either. I usually just go with whatever's comfy for me.

6. What’s their favorite piece of clothing?

I've got this really soft brown fake leather jacket that my dad got me about two or three years ago that I used to wear consistently, but I'm not sure if I have a 'favorite'.

7. Any piercings?

Nope

8. Do they have any other jewelry they wear?

I wear a Timex Ironman analogue watch that I got at Walmart a few years ago ('twas on sale) and a ring with a part that spins in the middle that I bought in like sixth grade at the Newseum in DC.

9. Any tattoos?

Nah

10. How old are they?

See above

11. What do they smell like?

Idk, disappointment probably

12. What are their four trinkets?

(I'm gonna do stuff on my school backpack for this one) -- I've got a Ministry of Magic keychain, a Pokeball keychain, a Spiderman keychain, and a Ravenclaw house emblem pin.

13. GOVERNMENT MANDATED FERSONA

Roomba with a knife taped to it

14. What kind of magic are they good at?

Accidental Procrastination, aka Time Travel

15. What kind of magic are they bad at?

Luck

16. Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are they most connected to? Four: fire,air water earth. six: fire,air,water, wood,earth, metal. Seven:fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither.

Not sure if this is asking about choosing a single element or a group, so I'm gonna go with water.

17. What does their gateway look like prior to their memory loss? What does it look like afterwards?

(I'm not sure what this is asking)

18. Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory?

I have an old yellow cat named Iris and he's pretty cool. We share birthdays and he's one year older than me.

19. Have they ever cursed someone?

I have tried and I will continue to try.

20. How do they handle those headaches/migraines?

I sometimes put headphones in and listen to ambience after taking some medicine, but on some of my bad days I just wait for them to pass, even when it takes a few hours.

21. What tarot card do they connect the most with?

I'm gonna be honest: I know next to nothing about tarot cards.

22. Where were they born?

Tennessee

23. What is their favorite color?

Like a light blue or teal. Specifically though? #41A9B8

24. What is their least favorite color?

This is a tough one. I'm gonna go with like a rusty brown

25. Are they right handed, left handed or ambidextrous?

Right handed

26. What were they like as a child?

This would take a while, but I was a little shit, imo. (Also, kinda hard for me to remember specifically rn)

27. What were their parents like?

My dad's okay, he's not the best but he's doing great. My mom? Well, let's just say my opinion of her has always been pretty decent of her up until around when 2018 started.

28. Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many?

Yes, I have three half brothers, two on my mom's side (who I wish would die) and one on my dad's side.

29. Do they have any other relatives they are close with?

I've got a lot of aunts (dad's side) that I consider myself close with, along with a few cousins. There's also my Grandma and Grandpa (dad's side) that I love a lot. I also have a nephew who's about I wanna say 5 or 6 years old who's a blast to hang out with.

30. What are they afraid of?

Spiders kinda scare me. And a few things associated with low self-esteem that I don't want to mention here.

31. What do they identify as?

I am a Demi-Pansexual dude

32. Do they have any allergies?

None that I know of

33. Do they have any other medical problems?

I can't think of any specifics right now

34. What about mental health issues?

Depression and Anxiety both are self-diagnosed though. I'm waiting until after highschool, or until the age where I can legally keep things like those to myself without having to tell my parents, before I go to get them diagnosed

35. What’s that personal hygiene regimen like?

Showers at least once a day, twice if possible. Remember to try to brush your teeth, too.

36. Favorite rock or gemstone?

Amythest because it's my birthstone

37. Favorite tree?

Redwoods are pretty cool

38. Favorite type of weather?

Not too hot, not too cold and sunny and cloudless or overcast and rainy, depending on mood

39. Least favorite type of weather?

The type of cloudless hot day that just saps your energy away like nothing else

40. What is their favorite season? (remember winter is summer and spring is fall)

Winter

41. How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak?

English and very broken French

42. Do they sing or play any instruments?

I sing from time to time (albeit not very good) and I have an ocarina that I really want to take time and learn

43. What do they tend to joke about?

Self-deprecation is my go-to, then there's vine humor and some standup, then just nonsense humor (See: bORGER)

44. After a stressful day how do they relax?

Nap a bit, then some music and/or video games

45. Guilty pleasures?

Idk, I can't think of any. Sonic ‘06, maybe is the closest thing that I have to one.

46. idiosyncrasies?

I guess you could list a lot of the usual ADHD stimming methods. I also adjust my glasses from the side sometimes whenever I’m nervous/anxious or when I want to appear confident. Adjusting my watch on my wrist is also something that I do a lot. I know I have a lot more, but :/

47. How do they act when they first meet someone new? How quickly do they warm up to them?

I can be kinda timid and quiet. I usually try to listen in on conversations involving that person/people to try to find somethings that I can remember and use for initiating conversations, especially if it’s with stuff that I know a bit about. It usually takes two or three semi-long times amd well interactions spent with me for me to start being comfortable around other people. I don't warm up too quickly, unless if you can get through my barriers pretty well

48. In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge?

Love, knowledge, money, power, fame

49. List four or more things they love to do

Draw, read, talk with internet friends, play video games, browse the internet

50. List four or more things they hate to do

doing boring and uninteresting school work, being an unnecessary nuisance, hearing about family drama, engaging in school drama

51. List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are

"I'm laughing my ass off rn because the program the state is using for EOC testing was apparently hacked so we aren't testing today, but when my class heard it almost everyone started looking at me and saying I did it." [...] "Meanwhile: I nearly tripped over my backpack"

"Oh good, we get to make memes of stuff in the Louvre for extra credit. Looks like my grade is about to rise drastically."

"I’m gonna go provoke this cult so I can get asks in my inbox"

“I stole this haircut from a lion”

"I have many problems"

52. How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict?

I'm a pacifist so I try to stay out of situations like that (They bring up too many negative memories and emotions for me)

53. What kind of bad habits to they have?

I have a lot of trouble with a perfectionist mentality. It gets me into a lot of sticky situations

54. What kind of character faults do they have?

What even is self-esteem/ self-worth/ self-love????? To me, my needs come last. Self-doubt out the wazoooooo. Tons of unresolved shit. That's barely even scratching the surface.

55. What’s their best trait in their opinion?

I try to have a lot of empathy for people and I want to make people happy, even if I’m not happy.

56. What do they think of their appearance?

I like mine, at least a bit.

57. How do they interact with people in a position of authority?

Honestly, it just depends on the person. If the person in question is a dick, you better believe I’m not going to react well to their face.

58. Who did they look upto as a kid?

Mostly like video game characters from games that I played.

59. How do they interact with kids?

I like kids pretty well.

60. Do they want kids of their own someday?

I don't know. I don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can answer that right now.

61. Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship?

I'm agnostic

62. What do they think the meaning of life is?

Idk... Maybe... Self-discovery, in a way.

63. What would they want their last words to be?

There are three roads. Maybe omething meaningful, like "Thank you," maybe something vague and prophetic like, "You won't have to wait much longer," or maybe, just maybe, something like, "I'll be back bitches!!!"

64. What do they want to do before they die?

I want to make at least one game and book that people enjoy and that I will be satisfied with

65. What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die?

I would like to be remembered fondly by people who knew me.

66. How do they express affection?

I'm usually very asocial, so if I make an active effort to maintain communication with someone, then they usually mean something to me. I also send memes and stuff. Also, I try to open up a little more around people that I trust

67. What do they normally eat for breakfast?

It usually just depends on how much time I have in the morning. Can range from poptarts to a slice of toast between two pieces of bread to leftover pizza

68. Do they like spicy food?

Yeah

69. Favorite fruit and or vegetable?

Favorite fruit is probably mandarin oranges and my favorite vegetable is probably carrots

70. Do they like sweets?

On occasion

71. Do they drink alcohol? If they do, what do they act like when their drunk?

Nope, but probably like a damn fool

72. How do they take their tea/coffee?

I like sweet ice tea or maybe some herbal tea with a small bit of sugar or honey. As for coffee, I don't usually drink it, but I can drink it pure black or french vanilla

73. What food would they refuse to eat?

Most things that have a weird texture and/or smell

74. Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing?

You ever drink just straight sauces? Like A1 steak sauce or barbecue sauce? Yeah....

75. When going on the road what food could they not live without?

I need me some original ritz

76. What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia?

Not sure about nostalgia, but my school sells fresh-made chocolate chip cookies during lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I get them a lot when I'm having bad days

77. What do they do when no one’s around?

I sometimes sing and maybe hop around, but I usually just do stuff that I do when people are around (like browse tumblr)

78. How would they react if a prized possession got stolen?

Cry, feel numb, or go ballistic. There is no in-between.

79. What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery?

A better computer, that's for sure

80. What would their favorite modern invention be?

The Nintendo Switch!!

81. In a new unfamiliar place what do they do?

Observe the surroundings from the sidelines before doing anything

82. Someone just threatened them what do they do?

It depends on the situation, but I either brush it off or I take precautionary measures (like a protective order if my life is being threatened)

83. A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do?

I might try to give it back.... after I check her wallet and get some cash as an award...

84. What’s the worst thing someone has said to them?

The one that sticks out the most is probably the time when one of my older half-brothers was yelling at me and said that if I ever wonder why people say that I act like a school shooter it's because I act like one most of the time (all this stemmed because I was frustrated over a book recommendation not posting and instead of letting me silently cool down, my mom and brother kept on talking crap about me and I decided to say "Just shut up for a few minutes").

Oh, but there’s also the time when I went with my dad to the divorce case’s hearing to testify against my mom and my brothers and the judge looked at me and said “You’re 16, right? In two  years, you’ll be 18. When I was 18 I was heading to war. So, if you’re gonna cry, go do it somewhere else because I don’t want anyone coming up here and being a crybaby in my courtroom.” That fucking stunned me when he said it.

 85. What is the strangest thing they’ve ever come across?

"can i hear your belly" has to be the weirdest and most unsettling direct message that I have ever gotten from someone who isn't a bot and it haunts me to this day

86. Someone just stole food from them what do they do?

I don't usually eat a lot, so if someone takes food from me I don't really care.

87. They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next?

I would check to see if there was anything I want to make sure that my family and friends and people who are close to me that haven’t experienced mental illnesses like depression or anxiety to never develop any mental illnesses as long as they live, before anything.

88. As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult? ie. When I grow up I’m going to _______

My dream has always been and continues to be to become a successful video game developer and/or producer. I want to help create worlds to escape to when the real world becomes a bit too overbearing.

89. What’s their D&D alignment?

I consider myself a neutral good

90. What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done?

Oof, that's a long list. Probably entering the crawlspace under my Grandma's house too fast and getting a part of my lower back pretty bad. Boy, did it leave a pretty big scar.

91. Have they ever got in trouble with the law or been arrested?

Nope

92. Do they know how to win a fight?

I like to think so. I'm not going to not play dirty if I feel like I'm in danger. Also try to use the environment to your advantage if possible.

93. Are they good at hand to hand combat?

I dunno. I doubt it, but I haven't really tried.

94. Have they ever stolen something?

I have, but really only minor things and only from people that I hate

95. Have they ever killed someone?

Not yet, :p

96. What/who do they find disgusting?

I can't look at stuff or pictures like decaying stuff (like dead stuff) without gagging

97. What upsets them the most?

Conflict mostly. The thought that I'm bothering people also does it. And I feel odd, to say the least about physical contact.

98. What anime character would they be?

I feel like maybe Fafnir (Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid) or either Shinra or Mikado (Durarara!) could fit me.

99. What disney character would they be?

I didn't really know about this one, so I asked a few of my friends and one of them [the one who actually answered my question with an actual Disney character] said that I remind them of Sora from Kingdom Hearts, on the grounds that I've "got a good heart" and I'm "always confused". It was the nicest thing I've heard all week^^

100. What monster would they be?

Knife-wielding tentacle

101. What mythological figure would they be?

Tbh, I don't know enough mythology off the top of my head to answer this question.

102. List three songs that you associate with them.

Hmm.... this one is very tough for me because there are different songs that define different points in my life... As for songs that kinda aren’t bound by specific points in my life, even if I haven’t known these songs all my life, I'm thinking that these could fit the best here:

ECHO (feat. GUMI) by Crusher-P

Simple Life by Fox Stevenson

Canonball (Mythos Remix) from Megaman Zero 3

Anyway, I hope you now know a little more about me now. Do what you will with the information, I guess  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . It’s really late for me and I’m really tired so I may go ahead and get some sleep for tonight. Have a good one everyone^^ !

[autistic-poohbear]

Do you struggle with speaking to people when you can see them at the same time? I really want to start working with someone like an autism coach so I can learn to better manage my daily life but just thinking about having to do that face-to-face makes me feel sick and go non-verbal. Even if we could meet up through Skype and I would have the option of using a keyboard to type, knowing that the other person can constantly see me and observe my face while I'm trying to think, interpret my movements, etc. makes me feel overwhelmed because I won't be able to stim freely or be myself. I'm a 26-year old university student, so this really shouldn't be a problem for me anymore. But it is.

I actually do struggle with this and am receiving special accommodations around this with my autism coach!! Whenever I have face-to-face appointments they cause me so much stress that I get sick for a full week over it, and I completely shut down and loose my ability to speak to a point that it was genuinely debilitating and therapy/my coach were just setting me back in recovery

My old coach was horrible about this and kept trying to push me to do face-to-face appointments because it was easier for her (which caused a lot of meltdowns, even when we did online appointments towards the end) but now since March I’ve had a new coach and she’s extremely understanding of this and very accommodating about it. Eventually she’s hoping I’m comfortable enough for face-to-face appointments but she also recognises that it just makes things worse for me and doesn’t help me at all and is giving me all the time I need regarding this. The place she works for has a secure online space that protects the messages and stuff, and we use that for typing during my appointments, and we don’t have any face calls (or calls in general) whatsoever. Thanks to this I’m able to actually be way more open and I can actually help her to help me which wouldn’t be possible in face-to-face appointments

She’s also actively advocating for me to keep these accommodations and constantly telling me and others (like her boss and my parents, for example) that I’m actually doing really well during our appointments and she can tell I’m putting in a lot of effort. She also recognises the fact that my difficulties with face-to-face appointments are linked to both my autism and traumatic past experiences with horrible therapists and that it’s not “something to just get over”

Basically, it’s okay to struggle with face-to-face appointments whatever the reason for that might be, and you deserve to get the help that actually helps you

Sometimes “traditional” therapy doesn’t help you personally and only makes things worse. This is the case with me, face-to-face appointments cause me so much stress that it even debilitates me outside of the appointments, and when I have those appointments I tend to get worse mental health wise and have less spoons and I’m able to do way less and I get worse at taking care of myself. I need therapy through an online chat because that’s the only way it helps me at the moment, and that’s okay. Therapy is to help you get better and you shouldn’t have to push yourself into therapy that does the opposite just because that’s what others/society expects of you or just because that’s the standard

I do realise that I got extremely lucky with my therapist and my accommodations. Not everyone has access to this and I’m grateful every day that I do have access to it, and I wish more people could have these accommodations and that they would be accepted more

Idk how to end this, just, to whoever is reading this, I hope you can get help in a way that actually helps you and doesn’t cause stress, and it’s okay if “traditional” therapy doesn’t work for you, it isn’t some personal failure

I do want to also say that if “traditional” therapy does work for you that’s okay too. Basically therapy and the help you’re getting should help and accommodate you as well as possible. Of course there are some gray areas with this and whatnot and it’s a different story with each personal situation, but yeah this is my opinion on this topic

(Please people don’t start discourse on this post, you can add on your experiences/advice but please don’t start discourse or arguments as I really don’t have the spoons to be dealing with that rn)