#when I say its the most soul sucking job ever

[thefallenangelsgang]

Fuck it, I'm throwing my hat on the ring about the Emil announcing Nate from Fallout 4 is the bystander Soldier in the Fallout 1 opener.

First and foremost, it was a stupid thing to say. As he backtracks to later, the conceit of Fallout's protags is they are supposed to be anyone (and that issue is precisely why some people hate the extensive prewar character background given to you in Fallout 4). For the lead writer to pull a JK Rowling (why would you do that? None of those went over well) is such a major marketing misstep that it wouldn't surprise me if Emil gets reprimanded for it before we even get into the implication of what he said.

Emil your voice is as good as God when it comes to the canon. You can't just say shit like that and expect it to go well. Especially considering the implications.

Speaking of the implications, I'm not mad about Nate being a war criminal. It's a coloring I actually would welcome if the games discussed concepts like Capitalism, Racism, and War in any meaningful way anymore. And if Emil also didn't say this.

Fallout's canon is rooted in reality. That is part of its whole thing. It's fun to do goofy shit like becoming the Silver Shroud and having a make believe superhero fight with the Mechanist or write a woman obsessed with Nuka Cola so much she traverses two games to basically kidnap the CEO's cryogenically preserved head so she can talk to him for all eternity, but the setting is very much rooted in reality.

You aren't dealing with fictional countries, you aren't dealing with fictional races, you aren't dealing with fictional hypotheticals. That is The Elder Scrolls job. You are dealing with actual countries, actual racism, actual history, and actual fucking politics. You have to be mindful of what you are doing and saying. You can't just do things because it's an interesting plot device without first thinking about the implications.

Fallout's world is a heightened version of our own, a path we seem to stumble towards with ever passing year unless we do something about it. It fucking sucks. I'm sure writing it feels like prophesizing the future and eats your soul a bit. It would mine. But that doesn't mean Fallout can just take a sharp left in terms of story and reality and get away with it.

To have Nate be the bystander Soldier and then meet him when he has a very good thing going for him (an expensive house during an inflation crisis, a robot butler, he gets into a vault for free for fucks sake) very much speaks to life rewarding him for his crimes. There is no hatred in his words when he looks at the flag of the country that made him kill innocents. His speech is speaks of remorse for leaving his family and the cycle of war, it does not speak of the horrors. Of watching you comrades bleed out in the Anchorage snow. Of the scream of shells overhead. Of the fear in civilians eyes as your buddy puts a bullet between them.

You all have to see how it looks like the man is fine with what he had to do during the war, right?

Not interacting with these concepts enough paints a picture of apathy and acceptance. In this day and age where being keeping the government honest and responsible for their actions is so important, that isn't going to slide without it being EXTREMELY purposeful, which it is not. It's tone deaf and lazy.

I respect a lot of what Emil has done in the past, but I am not above keeping him culpable when he has something so delicate in his hands. I hope this situation is what he needed to get his head on straight, or is the light bulb moment where he realizes he needs to pass the torch onwards. There is no shame in subject matter becoming too much as time goes on. There is shame in letting a previously critical series become the very thing it was criticizing.

He is going to keep getting dragged until he realizes that or he manages to convince the fans to be complicit in the degradation of setting. In doing so he is going to lose Bethesda most of its biggest fans who well and truly love the series and what it stands for.

But that's just my take, and I'm just a kid who studies polisci and history and can't shield myself from the inherent horror of nuclear war no matter how much I try.

War really never changes

[doubleddenden]

The topic of Palworld is pretty charged, but often times I see people be shamed for liking it because the CEO tweeted stuff about NFTs and the company using AI art in a separate game. Acting as if that's the most damning thing ever for a gaming company in an industry filled with similar people.

Make no mistake, I dislike both AI art and nfts, but do you realize how many gaming companies have involvement with that?

To begin with, Pokémon used AI art in a promotional piece for Pokémon Go in September, and nobody gave a shit because uwu Pikachu. The Pokémon Company also put a job listing some months back seeking an expert in NFTs. That's not quite damning evidence, but if I were a betting man, no "NFT expert" will willingly say "yeah nfts suck are bad for the environment, man, I'll take my paycheck and fuck off now." There's also a strong argument to be made that Pokémon has stolen ideas from fakemon artists (Finizen and Palafin, Scovillain, Dipplin, etc) and other franchises (kaiju movies, Dragon Quest, Megaman, final fantasy, western cartoons and food mascots, etc), a dubious legal statement that claims they own all fan art from the remixes and fakemon made on youtube to the pikachu your kid drew at breakfast; they have yet to apologize for the state of Scarlet and Violet while charging full price to millions of paying customers for a clearly unfinished and barely functioning game (which i did enjoy, but you can't tell me it was finished baking when it struggles not to shit itself just to run), and a bunch of other things people shit on Palworld for, but A. It's Pokémon so people don't care and think it's fine, and B. That's not the point of this post.

You know who else does NFTs and AI art? (Yes I heard Muscle Man from Regular Show in my head just now, too, moving along)

Square Enix sold several of their IPs for NFTs and claims to have used AI art "a minimum amount" in Foam Stars, yet I see nobody yelling for boycotts of Final Fantasy 14, 16, Kingdom Hearts, Dragon Quest, Life is Strange, etc etc etc.

Sony has invested in both, they want to implement AI into gaming, and has a patent for nfts to be used in games and consoles, yet there's no movement to throw out your playstations.

Bandai Namco- you know, that company with a hand in pretty much most anime games on the market and popular games such as the Dark Souls games? They have a game called RYU that's essentially a virtual pet game that uses the blockchain, and its AI driven, among other projects. Yet there's no outcry to stop playing the many, MANY games they brand with. This also includes quite a few Nintendo games (btw they just partnered together to form a special studio quite recently) like Smash Wii U/3ds and New Pokémon Snap. Nobody gives a shit though.

Android, Microsoft, Google, Apple- I don't even need to explain those, they have whole teams dedicated to both. Even popular VPN companies accept crypto.

I'm just saying an awful lot of you guys that scream and shit bloody murder about Palworld's company being involved with that shit are either the biggest "It's okay when my favs do it" type of hypocrites, or you're sorely ignorant to just how evil and greedy most corporations are. You'll be hard pressed to find a game company with popular AND fun games that DOESN'T have some interest in either, let alone movie and show studios. That's the awful reality we live in.

You have 2 options

1. You basically stop doing anything involving most modern tech, including throwing out your pc and smart phone. You could probably live a comfortable life with tech circa 2010, but you have to be aware that any thing you buy may go towards a cause you don't like.

2. You accept that people can enjoy a product while not necessarily agreeing with the CEO of said product. Most CEOs tend to be jackasses anyway, that's kind of the shared trait they all have. You can also discourage companies from using them while understanding it is everywhere.

Palworld at the end of the day is just a toy, that's it. From the looks of it, it's not even actually hurting anyone, and it seems like the company at least treats their employees pretty decently- at least according to a few things I've seen here and there that seems rather progressive for a Japanese studio (with room for doubt obviously, it's a company after all and as we've established, they're all evil). At the least its not like when people supported Hogwarts Legacy and directly put money into JKR's wallet so she can openly hurt more Trans women. In fact, the only people seemingly hurt in all of this Palworld drama are obsessed Pokémon stans that can't accept a parody, or the Pokémon Company themselves, who rightly deserve some punching up tbh.

You can just say you dislike the game, that's fine, I totally get that. Even though I personally think The Pokémon Company deserves a few nut shots after the way they've treated fans these last few years with the state of their games (and you know, stealing ideas from fans without credit), I can see why someone would be turned away from a parody that's literally meant to be Pokémon with guns. I can totally understand all of that, personally I'd prefer if the game was MORE like Pokémon with turn based combat.

But if you're going to defend Pokémon because you think its perfectly innocent because of Wooloo or something like that, just be sure you're aware you're defending the World's Richest Franchise and their own attempts at AI and NFTs while calling out an indie company (a real one thats learning as they go, not the fake "We're totally indie" franchise that hasn't been indie since gen 3) for having a ceo that also seems interested in the same stuff. And remember, you don't become number 1 without hurting people somehow (we could dig up receipts about certain partners Pokémon has teamed up with, such as Tencent with Unite, but I'd rather not right now.)

Just saying. I don't think you're an irredeemable person for still liking Pikachu, cuz I do too believe it or not. I've been a life long fan and still have fun with the games despite the clear scummy business practices towards their paying customers. Just maybe extend that courtesy to the millions of players just trying to have fun in this awful, putrid, shithole planet that just keeps getting worse and worse with each passing day.

Plus... you know, think about it. Do you think Pokémon would ever get around to making a gunless Palworld? Probably not. Do you think Palworld would exist if The Pokémon Company and Nintendo were the slightest bit chill about Pokémon fan projects like SEGA is with Sonic? Also probably not. From what I've read, the devs just wanted to make a fun game that happens to mostly be ARK with Pokémon adjacent monsters. That's not really a bad thing, all things considered, and it seems like the worst they've done is reference official Pokémon when making their own models.

Palworld being successful is actually beneficial to Pokémon fans, as well. It'll never really truly compete, but it has outsold Legends Arceus in terms of units sold (not as much financially because Palworld was only $30 plus a sale recently, but still impressive), and it is enough that Game Freak is aware of its existence. Let Palworld light a fire under their ass, and maybe GF will actually finish their next game before releasing it for full price (and no, we're not bringing up the tired imaginary ball and chain game devs, game freak owns 1/3rd lf the franchise and can easily take methods to get more dev time, they just haven't because money). Just saying, at least the Paldevs were honest enough to sell it in early access for half the price.

[hot-bumblebees]

Tricked

Olrox x witch male reader smut

Cw: hand jobs, softish sex, anal. Nothing crazy. Reader is aromatic btw.

Guys I know he’s with mizirak but I need him and mizirak broke his heart, he made him cry and that’s not chill.

Maybe a little ooc

….

The wind whistled throughout the dark town, making old wood creek and old signs cry. You clung onto your cloak as you walked through the empty streets trying find place that wasn’t so windy so you could open a portal. Finally you found a small sheltered area and went to it, staring to chant the words to open said portal. A blue circle started forming and it was getting brighter, but just before it could fully develop you were stopped by a strange mist.

“What’s your name?” A seductive voice asked.

“Why do you want to know?” You asked rather aggressively as your eyes narrowed. There was a weird vibe coming from what ever entity was surrounding you and it wasn’t helping you trust it.

Before your question was answered the mist grouped up turning into a human like figure with the most piercing green eyes you’ve ever seen.

“I need to know if I found the right person or if you’re going to become my next victim.” It answered as it moved closer to you.

You hesitated before giving it a fake name that people still knew you as. Knowing that giving out a real name to the wrong person could lead you to a hassle you opted out to giving it a fake name that people still knew you as.

But it wasn’t taking your lies and stepped frighteningly closer, towering over you as its green eyes stared into your soul.” You’re lying.” It blatantly stated as it finally showed itself. It was a man, a very beautiful man. He had darker skin but it somehow lacked colour, the brown colour came out as dull and his lips were a faint purple. His hair was impressive, it was long and silky so that even when the smallest gust of wind past by It would move.

You knew you should’ve probably been scared, horrified even, but you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling excited. You had to try very hard not to smile, making the man in front of you confused.

“Fine I’ll tell you my name if you give me a piece of your hair.” You try to comprise. It was fair, if he tried anything you could get him right back.

“No.” He declined defensively, showing his pointy teeth.

“Ah a vampire.” You laugh and get out from under him.” Good luck with trying to suck me dry. My blood is poisonous to vampires.” You say in a bragging tone as you walk back into the windy alley. But you didn’t get too far before he stood in front of you again.

“Garlic doesn’t harm us if that’s what you’re talking about. And I won’t hesitate to kill you for fun if you don’t cooperate.” He let out a devious laugh.

“I’m not talking about garlic.” You pulled your shirt collar down, revealing two scared puncture wounds.” And why won’t you give me your hair? Don’t you want your answer?” You look at him with a teasing look.

“It’s precious to me and you might use it to harm me.”

“Yeah if you give me reason, I’m not out here hexing people Willy nilly. I’ve got better things to do”

He hesitated for a moment before pulling off a strand and giving it to you.

“Perfect…” you put his hair in a little bottle and gave him your full attention.” My name is y/n l/n. Am I who you’re looking for? Hmm Olrox?” You peer up at him through your eyelashes, his face giving slight indication that you freaked him out by using his name, the one he’s never told you.

“Indeed you are the one I’m looking for.”

“What can I help you with?”

“I need your help finding something out and since you already know my name without me telling you, I assume you’re pretty good at your craft.”

“You could say that.” You humbly agreed.” I guess I’ll bring you back to my house.” You position your hands to open a portal like you had originally planned.” But you got to promise that you’ll behave.”

He smiled.” You’ve got my hair after all, I would be a fool if I did.”

The portal opened and you stood to the side letting him go in first and then following him, closing the portal.

“You can sit there.” You motioned to a table with a pretty f/c cover on it. He complied and sat on a chair watching you.” Can I offer you anything? Food? Tea? Wine?” You offer.

“I’m good, but thanks.” He replied as he tucked some hair behind his pointed ear.

“Suit yourself.”

Olrox sat patiently at the table as you got yourself a bottle of wine. You sat yourself across from him and took a sip out of the bottle.

“So what could a high and mighty vampire like you need from me?”

“I need your talents-“

You looked at him like he grew another head and drank again.” Ya no shit, what do you need?”

“Well if you let me finish you would have herd that I want you to tell me what that masia is up to.” He said with a repulsed look on his face.

“Ok then.” You pull out various tarot card decks.” Pick one.” He picks one of the decks. “Good choice this is one of my favourites.”

And so you got to work, telling him all that he needed to know. At some point he started drinking along side you, hearing about that stupid massia was really pissing him off.

“I feel like you already knew this.” You say as you pack up the cards.

“I’ve had my suspicions. It’s nice to hear things from another person whether it’s true or not.” His voice slower than before, making his voice so much hotter.

“You made me do me something that has no value to you? That’s like going to see a prostitute and not cuming, it’s a waste of time.” You dead pan.

“All though I’m not much of a believer your reading was quite accurate.”

You roll your eyes. This guy threatening your life to give him answers just turn out to be a none believer.” Do you want anything else?” You ask, hoping he would decline.

“My hair back.”

“That’s not gonna happen, not until I know you’re trust worthy.” you replied.

He rolled his eyes.

…

For some reason Olrox kept on coming back for nothing, he didn’t want potions or spells, he just liked being around you and drinking all your wine. He would come late at night and be weirdly sweet towards you but you didn’t suspect any ill intent from him. Maybe he just didn’t like being alone, he was in a foreign country after all.

At one point he even started letting you play with his hair, it makes him fall asleep. Some nights he would uncover a little more about his life, it made you sad, his life was very unfortunate. It had not been kind to him.

…

Fall was here and it was getting colder and although Olrox didn’t have a pulse or didn’t have circulating blood it was nice when he would come over and share a bed with you.

It was a rather calm night, not too cold or windy so you decided to go sweep the porch out side. You hummed a little song as you swept the dirt as you enjoyed the scenery around you.

What you didn’t expect was a some what angry vampire to appear right in front of you.

“What have you done with my hair?” He asked calmly but angrily.

You look around confused.” I haven’t done anything with it. It’s sitting in the house untouched.”

“Bullshit! You’ve done something to me.” His eyes glow a brighter green as he backs you up against the railing.

“What are you talking about?” You started to get mad with his accusations. He was your friend you wouldn’t do anything bad to him.

“You put a love spell on me! I can’t get you out of my head whenever I’m away from you and you even made it so that my unbeating heart does things when I’m around you! I trusted you!” He expressed a feeling of betrayal with narrowed eyes.

You stood there on disbelief.” You’re a fucking idiot.” You chuckled now, moving you and Olrox around, backing him up against the railing.” I’ve been single for the majority of my life happily and I’m nearly as old as you are, so what makes you think that you’re so special that I would go against my own ethics and put a love spell on you?” You ask expecting an answer back never got one.” Don’t get me wrong I’m flattered and I like when you stick around, but I did nothing, this was all you.” You inch closer to his face and placing your hands on his.” So if your going to love me…” Your eyes look into his and then to his lips.” Love me properly.” It came out quietly so that only the two of you could hear. You closed the gap and gently brushed your lips against his trying to see if he would reciprocate.

Olrox was in shock, his body freezing, too many emotions coursing through him. Ranging from guilt to anger to happiness. Olrox was furious that he had fallen in love with you on his own and that it wasn’t your fault. You hadn’t put a spell on him, if you had it wouldn’t be real therefor he wouldn’t have to act on it. But now his feeling were real and he hadn’t had the chance to sit in denial about them, because you were a witch and you held power over his feelings, so he immediately thought that you would toy with his feelings. Now he felt guilty for thinking that about you, you were nice to him in a way that no one had been in a long time. Maybe that’s what made him fall in love with you and thinking you put spell on him was his denial. But it didn’t matter now that your soft lips were against his. Leaving all his thoughts in the past he reciprocated the kiss.

The kiss was soft, the kind that two lovers share. It was slow and passionate as you guys sucked gently on each other’s lips. His hands moved to your lower back to pull you closer to him as your hands went around his neck. You guys moaned in each other’s mouths as your tongues got involved in the act of passion.

You guys had lost track of time as your bodies moved against each other. The only thing pulling you guys out of your make out session was the sound of the front door opening and closing. You separated from Olrox, who seemed to still be in a daze, and turned your head, keeping your hands on the man in front of you.

It was your apprentice who you had completely forgot about, who was currently looking at you and Olrox with a mild look of disgust.

“Are you leaving now?” You ask.

“Of course I am. I don’t wanna listen to whatever you guys are gonna do.” She says in a monotone voice.

“Well be safe.” You say as you watch her go down the stairs and turns around.

“Bye y/n, bye Olrox.” She waved and walked off.

You returned your attention to Olrox and pushed a stray hair behind his pointy ear.

“We should go inside.” You suggest as you pull away from him and walk towards the door, keeping it open for him when he came and closed it behind him.” Go get ready, I’ll meet you in my room.” You tell him then place a kiss on his cheek.

You went to your room and lit a bunch of candles and some love incense while you were at it. You took your shirt off and put on some love oil that smelled of rose and lavender with hints of cinnamon. Deciding to get real fancy with it, you reached for the kohl you bought for quite the price considering it came all the way from the Middle East, and applied it to your water line making your eye colour pop. You put the Khol down and reach for your favourite lipstick and apply it. Looking in the mirror you knew that all this effort was going to be destroyed in a short amount of time but you didn’t care. You looked cute.

You put the lipstick down and In the mirror you see Olrox approaching you. He was wearing the house coat that you hung on the bathroom door. Once he got behind you he wrapped his strong arms around your waist.

“I thought you weren’t for the the whole romance thing.” He teased as he looked around soaking in the scenery that was lit up by the warm glow of the candles. He looked back into the mirror after to look at you face, your pretty face now iluminated by candle light and decorated with makeup. He thought your features were so perfect, he could stare at you for hours with heart eyes if he had time.

“Just cause I can’t feel things or don’t understand it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try. Besides I like when things look pretty.” You explain as you turn around to face him wrapping your arms around his waist.

“You’re so cute and pretty.” He awed as he moved his hands to your face to pull you close to kiss you.

You pulled him towards your bed, sitting down and having Olrox straddle you. You both continue to kiss even when you’re running out of air. You could feel Olroxs hard dick against your lap as he grinded against you. Your hands let go of his waist and went in-between the two of you. You took your member out and began to stroke it as you other hand went to undo the knot of his house coat. Your hand went to his bare hip as you continued to kiss, waiting for a good time to pull away. Thankfully you guys came to a stop due to Olrox getting curious of what your hands where doing. His green eyes peered down to where he sat and saw you attending to yourself.

“Starting without me?” He teasingly asked as his right hand went to his cock to stroke it and take yours too. Pressing his dick against yours to rub together making you moan. The both of you started to rub up and down as Olrox rested his for head against yours.

You moaned as Olrox’s hand came back up to the tip, giving it extra attention.” F-fuck!” Your head falls back as your eyes roll back. Olrox takes his left hand and brings it up to your face to bring it back up and pulling it down, making you look down at what was making you feel so good. You whimper at the sight of you and Olroxs dicks being stimulated by each others hands, although you weren’t really helping. The pornagraphic sight was cut short as the man on top of you pulled your head back up to make you look in those piercing green eyes.” Kiss me please?” You asked a little desperately.

The man on top of you grins.” Ok, but you have to promise not to cum.”

You nod quickly as your non busy hand goes to hold the side of his face.” I’ll try my hardest.” You smile as you bring his head closer to yours.” It’s not my fault that you’re good at this.” You say as you lips connect again, feeling your partners fangs as he sucks on your lips.

The kissing is slow, both of you wanting to savour it. Olrox stopped stroking you at some point knowing that you would’ve came if he didn’t. He wanted you to fully enjoy the experience, him too. This wasn’t some random hook up, he was genuinely in love with you. At some point he some how pushed you back so that your back was resting on your head board. Olrox had lost his house coat and was fully naked now on top of you.

Olrox pulled away from you making you look at him curiously as he reached over to the night stand to get lube from the drawer and came back to look at you.

“How did you know that was there?” You ask as he pours some in his hand.

“I was snooping around once.” He answered plainly as he went to put the bottle on the night stand. He took his hand with the liquid and went to lube up your shaft.

“Weirdo.” Is all you could get out with out moaning. He pumped you a few times before lining you up with his entrance. Your face took up a concerned look.” Don’t you want me to prep you or something?” You asked, not wanting him to get hurt.

He let out a small laugh.” Already did in the bathroom. Why do you think you had all this time to get pretty?” He asked, but not awaiting for an answer since he sunk down on you.

As Olrox remained cool and calm even though he was holding back an actual reaction (wanting to keep his more dominant facade), you were already gone. Back of the head against the wall with your eyes closed, as you let out a pleasured sigh when you finally bottomed out. Your hands went to hold the Olrox’s boxy hips, hoping he would move, which he did after a few moments. With your neck on full display for the vampire, Olrox decided to take advantage of that, bringing his head down to suck and kiss the area, making you shudder and moan.

“Mhm Olrox!?” You moan his name out, wanting his attention. In response Olrox groaned cause he didn’t want to leave your neck.” Can you please go faster?”

Olrox didn’t verbally respond, instead he just did what you asked and speed up his movements as you griped his hips tighter making him change his position a bit. With the new speed and angle your dick felt a million times better making him moan out into your neck. The sensation of your dick rubbing against his prostate along with the small amount of friction of his dick rubbing against your stomach was getting to much, he knew he wasn’t going to last long.

“Fuck Y/n!” Olrox groaned throwing his head back. Now it was your turn to kiss his neck. Unfortunately vampires don’t have any blood, so the chance of hickes were slim so it kinda took the fun out, but either way Olrox was enjoying it. You kept sucking his skin, going upwards on his neck, slowly making your way to his face. You felt him tighten around you when you sucked under his jaw.

“You like that?” You ask teasingly, continuing the treatment. Although you could feel his green eyes glare at you, he still responded with a small yeah.

Olrox speed up his pace with the hot feeling building up in his lower abdomen, a feeling that he’s felt a million times before.

With the knew speed you also got hit with the sudden urge to cum, making everything hotter and making your eyes go wide.

“Olrox! Gonna cum! Can we hold hands?!” You asked desperately looking up at him.

“Only if you cum in me.” Olrox was semi joking but he knew you would take it seriously.

“Yes anything! Just want to hold hands.” Your hands wonder around for his and at last you find them and interlock your fingers.

You close your eyes and lean forward to put your head on his chest, concentrating on the feeling of where your hands connect and the feeling of your building release as you moan out. Eventually your release comes and Olrox moans out at the feeling of being filled.

“Good boy! I’m so close! Just a few more seconds you can do that right!? Be good?!”

You nod up at him dumbly as you go into over stimulation, letting out little whines instead of loud moans.

Olroxs moans become louder until eventually his eyes roll back, the dim candle light making him look gorgeous as he paints your stomach white and collapses. You let go of his hands and wrap them around his back as you come back to reality. One of your hands come to grab his jaw to move his head back. His hazy green eyes looking up at you full of love. You plant a little kiss on his cheek then go to tuck his hair behind his ear.

You smile, he looked so beautiful.” We should probably go clean you up. You got my lip stick all over and you’re stuffed like an eclair, can’t be pleasant for to long.” You comment.

“Let just stay like this for a second. I like it like this.” Olrox closes his eyes again as he goes back to snuggle into your chest.

But for some reason you start to feel a little self conscious.” Olrox? You know I will never love you the same? Are you okay with that?” You ask looking anywhere but him.

He chuckles and looks up.” You lit candles, made yourself pretty and made the place smell good. Most husbands don’t even clean their ass for their wife that they’ve been married to for years.” He grabbed your face to make you look at him.” For some one who doesn’t ‘love’ you do it pretty well. So don’t worry about it.” He gave you a peck on the cheek and went back to how he was originally.

“Ok.” Is all you said as you smiled and put your head in the crook of his neck. Muttering a small I love you.

[mzhydes-funtimes]

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice was the most MID movie ive ever seen.

There were 4 plots 2 of which didnt really mean anything and the ending was also really bad. I was more excited for the trailer for Sonic 3 than most of the movie there was only 1 tense part but it didnt really do much for the story so that tension was quickly forgotten as soon as the twist for that plot end was revealed.

Also it wasnt even that funny

Spoilers and rant below the cut

The A plot is Lydia now like 30 getting married to a scammer and her daughter being against it. Her scammer is also her director as she does scripted "haunted house" reality shows. Lydias father dies which he uses it to sort of propose? Basically think of it as the beetlejuice 1 plot but instead of "PLOT TWIIIST hes actually good." Its no plot twist he was always bad. Like the daughter keeps saying hes bad and hey. He was.

The b plot was "SUPRISE! When beetlejuice was alive he married someone then she killed him so he killed her" and now shes back to finish the job. Which... doesnt go anywhere? Like she shows up periodically, super kills someone, then cut back to plot d. And at the end shes killed from the same thing as the first movie.

C plot is the cops trying to find beetlejuices ex wife which only pays off sort of at the end because its the actor for Green Goblin playing an actor (meta-ing) and hes like the head of the dead police but also not actually a cop, just faking it? Sort of? And he does like nothing to the plot just there like "ooo im an actor" and "hows the investigation going?" And does the stereotypical cop at end of movie thing with "you kids ok, call us if anything bad happens again" and like doesnt work.

The d plot i would say is the only actually good plot: lydias daughter (they say it only like 10 times in the movie im sorry for not remembering) finds a guy and at halloween they start dating he takes her to the underworld to exchange his dead soul for her living one so he can come back and keep murdering people and even though thats what gets beetlejuice to do the ending of movie, (doing the day-o scene but with a different song and a wedding theme due to the deal) its just really stupid. Like. He almost does it but then beetlejuice cartoons his ass to hell. Like. Why is beetlejuice all powerful except for when he isnt? Like he doesnt have any limits in this movie except for when the plot needs him to. Like he can freeze even other dead people but he cant freeze his dead exwife? Why? Anyway yeah the love intrest plot does stuff with the story but ruins it before it gets too interesting.

Not to mention at the end some dead people escape and a bunch of famous people get literally sucked into their phones by beetlejuice and when beetlejuice supposedly "dies" they dont get out of their phones and the dead guys still wander the living streets and they dont show the cops doing shit about it.

Like the whole movie is "hey lets catch up on Lydia and her life and while we're at it lets make up a plot so people come see the actual guy they wanna see: beetlejuice.

Its not even that funny there were a few chuckleworthy moments but overall it wasnt great. Lots of good beetlejuice visual gags tho, the one and only good part of it. And they spend wayyyyy too much time in the underworld trying to flesh it out when it didnt NEED fleshing out, it was supposed to be mysterious.

[slashingdisneypasta]

For when you want... I thought of something very cursed while closing last night. What would happen if the world of Who Framed Roger Rabbit went through a Dorothy Must Die scenario.

Don't ask me where this came from, I don't even know how it'd work 😭 but what I briefly thought of last night was that, for some reason, the world of toons gets blocked off from humanity (maybe they were considered too dangerous after the story of Theadore Valient got out?). And Doom, instead of trying to enact his plan to replace Toontown with a freeway, decides this is the perfect opportunity to take over and control the toons instead. So basically, Doom is DmD!Dorothy (I did not need the image of Doom in the gingham dress, but my brain went there 😭)

This was mainly imagining the Toon Patrol as the DmD trio, admittedly 😅 being Doom's enforcers and striking fear into the residents of Toontown in this AU. Psycho and Greasy are like Scarecrow, being the two most feared of the patrol for similar and different reasons. Smartass and Stupid could be similar to the Lion, being more on the dumb side, but also not questioning Doom and happy with his position as his seargent. That leaves Wheezy most like Tinman; deep down, he knows that all this is wrong, but he doesn't try to stop Doom or Smartass for his own reasons. They use DIP to scare the citizens into obeying these new laws, but they're far more grusome and dangerous here, just like the trio are in DmD. Can you imagine that bubble gun Tin's soldier used on Indigo, but with DIP?? (Ngl, I've been having fun imaging Greasy as the Scarecrow in particular).

I'm not sure who Amy Gumm would be, probably Eddie if he ever decides to visit the tunnel again or somehow got a job that required him to get close to Toontown and he got captured. Or it could be an original character. But Jessica and Roger are part of the rebellion to take Doom and his patrol down, along with various other characters. They're war torn and traumatized, but they're still kicking.

I have no idea why I thought this, but here you go 😅😅😅😅

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS!! Especially Scarecrow!Greasy, oh my g o d. Let me just- let me just- *gets out copy of Dorothy Must Die, which is heavily sticky-noted and thick from rereads already, and starts reading through all of Scare's bits imagining my favourite weasel* ... would it be crazy of me to write fanfiction of this concept!?? XD

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME.

The only thing 'cursed' about this is Doom in gingham 🤣🤣🤣 But its all just 👌👌👌 Perfect! This was such a gem to wake up to XDD

I also love Stupid getting a main character part for once!! We too often let him fade into the background and this weighs heavily upon my soul, as I'm sure it does yours 😰Lion!Stupid would be so adorable!! Lion!Stupid developing a particular interest in a servant at the palace; them of course becoming his Favourite. Lion!Stupid struggling between his sexual appetite and his hunger for blood, licking and sucking and tasting his S/O any time that they're intimate; whimpering when they bleed because he got too rough with them; wanting to eat them. He wants to tear them apart and feast on their flesh, feel his teeth sink into their fat. Lion!Stupid feeling curious about this desire- because he loves them, doesn't he?? He doesn't understand. Lion!Stupid going to his good, old, most trustworthy, most intelligent friend Scarecrow!Greasy asking about it. Scarecrow!Greasy saying basically that he doesn't blame him- Stupid is an animal, after all. And that Y/N... is a delicious little morsel~ Do what feels right, Greasy tells him absentmindedly, going back to his work (Greasy never did alot the Lion much of his precious time, anymore, since Dorothy came back. Sometimes Stupid wondered why everything had changed). Follow your excellent, leonine instincts. Lion!Stupid returning to his lovers bed that night and doing exactly as his good comrade told him. Lion!Stupid eating what he loves (Lion!Stupid never losing the perfect taste off his tongue). Tin Woodman!Wheezy giving him a word of advice, later; that old friend of ours is crafty and cruel, Stu. Everything's different, now. 'ts best if ya don't trust any of us.

[mihai-florescu]

i think i feel pretty similar to you in that the world is terrible, depressing, it sucks. that’s it’s natural state and we will always return there. but i thank that even though it hurts there are ideals unhampered by reality, stories we can create where that cycle ends for a moment in a happier direction. it isnt our job or duty as there isnt any grand purpose like that, but there is an opportunity out there to create a story with our lives. whether it’s a well known story or lost by the wayside, those who acknowledge the layer beneath the cheery “reality” that is peddled can be writers of their own. i might be delusional and there really is no hope but i hope to create stories for people to enjoy that elusive dream in if only for a temporary respite and cant give up until i well and truly fail. i don’t know if any of my thoughts speak to you in any meaningful way, but i felt compelled to share as while i think we share beliefs we seem to have come to rather different conclusions. i want to give my life to a story, an art, that will hold ideals the real world can never truly embody and thus cannot really give up as every taste of the real reality only strengthens my resolve. is there something like that for you? i’ve read your blog for a while and in my mind (which is an inexperienced mind so I apologize for sharing its fallible perceptions) you seemed like a fascinating person who holds ideals the world refuses to embody and is slowly sinking under that weight. i know it’s not really my place, so i apologize for my audacity, but i believe that you are the sort of person who can create a true happiness for yourself eventually. well, i mean i kind of have to if i believe that for myself. i have more to say, but it seems this is become a ridiculously long message. i apologize, my words likely have crossed between ideas and lost sense at times. i hope they help, or at least don’t harm. i hope you find loveliness loveliness in your day as you deserve it.

I've been journaling about this yesterday... my entire outlook on life i guess? I know i used to be creative and make projects that i found fun, but i cant find this drive in me anymore, i'm more than ready to give up (if only upset at the way it ended so im pressuring myself to make a good Last Project, but nothing is good anymore. It's all so...plain. useless. banal. there's no wit or multilayer to anything i can come up with anymore. I cant develop an idea anymore. There are enough stories, enough artworks, plenty of them bad, theres no need for me to add to it). Im sure it's just burnout stacked on top of depression and general worsening misanthropy and paranoia, but i don't think i will ever feel more hopeful again.

However i do think art, literature, games, even just stories from other people are keeping me grounded. They're also humanity's only redeeming quality - imagination will save our souls... but my position isn't to be an artist anymore, i cant spare the energy and i dont see a point in it either. I cant do a single basic living thing anymore that others seem to be able to do? I very much feel like an npc trying to do my most necessary tasks as best i can, failing more often than not. I hate getting asked what i'll do on a day off (it used to be often at my internship. I dont even want to imagine what they thought about me, that's another can of worms that still haunts me and contributed to why i became like this). The answer is quite literally Pretend I Dont Exist. I will not do anything. I cant do anything. I stop existing the second you stop seeing me, im just in bed dreading the next time i have to be human. I think when other people say they didnt do anything it's a hyperbole, but i can go weeks, and i have gone months even, without leaving the house, if i wasnt expected to.

Part of me wants to think, hope, i could maybe even get interested in making things again if there was no expectation for me to be a person for a few years, completely disappear off the grid (the expectation to be a person that just doesnt come natural to me anymore... and a specific one at that - achieving goals and moving forward, working, with ambitions or any sort of drive, young and energetic, an only child with a good education earning a living... i despise the idea of making money. I despise consumerism too. I want to fund artists, family owned restaurants, bookshops, cafes, and i do, i spend so much money without realising, but i'm really worried i'll run out and not be able to make any to survive once im older and wont get funds from my parents anymore. So i try to save and fail... My family friends, same age or even younger, are buying their own cars and apartments, successfully working multiple well paying jobs at the same time, with plans for the future...? Id like to know both how and why. How do you have the energy and why do you care. But even if they tell me the answers it doesnt change how i feel in my own life)

But this also has skewed my perception of other people... it connects to how i dont actually understand friendships anymore, im sure i mentioned it recently. Like with being an artist, there was a time i did understand and had deep friendships, i think, but it's quite alien to me now? In the way im not real until i have to interact with someone else, and even then, debatable, theyre not real to me either. Like i know this isnt a good mindset to have but it's either everything is real and i genuinely believe we need to disappear, to put an end to this sad species soon, or nothing is real and everyone's just playing a role in a story i get to watch. In a way taking away people's humanity and making them characters in my head is out of kindness, im being delusionally optimistic and quite frankly parasocial even with "friends", but it keeps me floating, stable. Ish. Still kind of empty but entertained enough. But then actually having a conversation outside my head with them is scary, unpredictable... on good days that can be fun too. My roommate always says i end up on side quests a lot if i leave the house, i think im just open to witnessing new stories... just on good, no, great days though, i cant stress that part enough. Great days are getting rarer and rarer. Most days pass by while im in bed and in my head trying to process anything, where i can barely have a coherent thought, and i wait for the day to end. Today was good for example but i still didnt manage to do anything to earn me the title of person, yet it was good because i 1. Ate, and 2. Didnt cry.

The part of your ask that hit me the most was when you said i seemed like a fascinating person, past tense. Im sure i was, but nowadays im very little even a person. Cant be helped. I hope i managed to explain how and why. If you ever want to share your art, my dms are open, i can maybe tell you about my gallery of failure wips i cant stand to look at anymore. I saw the followup ask with your personal info but im not quite sure what else to say... even this ask took too long to answer and now i need a nappp

[rewordthis]

The struggles of art, are not for everyone.

It’s really not, indeed.

You have to like the process first and foremost.

If when putting the tip of the pencil down onto paper your main thoughts are how you’re bad, how you won’t have any progress, or hope you’ll be as good as those famous artists you follow on here or Twitter, then you’re really doing it wrong.

I’ve been drawing for forever and I still don’t seem to make anything better than before but having an old drawing around always puts things into perspective. I draw because it gives me peace of mind. If it just gives you anxiety then sure, it’s not for you.

And in the end, what I love the most about it is the sensation of my pencil-tip scratching that blank void that a sheet of paper is. Not the prospect of earning likes, a following, or money from it. I have tons of art that’ll never see the light of day for many reasons, that I’m so hang up on the fact that I made it. I was in my best condition when I made those pieces, in the right headspace, I was whole. The muses guided my hands these times, God smiled down on me.

What can I say? I’m a girl of simple things.

But the whole debate about whether AI is a medium for creation or easy theft, has soured my mood.

I do NOT consider AI art when its main ‘reference’ is straight up stealing and plagiarising someone’s sweat and tears. Before feeding it your favourite artist’s (or writer’s) work to mince and chew it up like it’s nothing in order to vomit a halfassed attempt at creation on your part remember this, the artists and writers the works of you used, are real people. They breathe, they eat, they cry. They pour TIME into their works. Time that you do NOT respect. They put feelings into their works. Feelings that you do NOT respect. For some of them, it’s also their main income. Income that you DEVALUE by stealing what is considered a unique trait of their trade!

You will NEVER learn anything nor get better at anything other than stealing that way. Because you haven’t known the value of hard work. The value of putting a chip of your soul into what you make. The value of living inside every work you’ve ever CREATED. You never lost sleep, food, or a piece of your sanity trying to make something from scratch. Trying to make it work. Trying to give birth to something unique.

What pitiful existences really, are those who can’t value someone else’s soul enough to respect it…

Anyway… this is getting heavy for me so I’m not going to rant over this anymore. I just want to say that I’m going to release some basic everyday steps for those who really want to learn drawing to follow on their own. Art takes time. Great writing takes time. It also takes for someone to be happy each time for what they were capable of creating.

That said, let me be clear that these mini exercises aren’t gonna clinch you a job at mappa, nor are they going to teach you proportions or whatever else those tutorials promise you, they’re specific to making you understand how 3D and observation works in order for you to be able to pick the elements you need every time you make a new piece. That’s all!

Progress isn’t jumping from 3yo art to fucking Rembrandt. It’ll suck ass before it even looks remotely decent!

Make sure to have that☝️printed and posted on your wall. That’s an order! *flexes whip*

Ok, I’m kidding, but seriously that’s your only motto from now on if you want to get better.

And now let’s prepare the ground for your exercises.

What you’ll need first is either a normal pencil or a 2mm one. No 0,5’s or whatever… in general NO mechanical pencils. Personally I’d recommend starting with a wooden pencil, though.

A good eraser that doesn’t smudge. It doesn’t matter what colour or brand as long as it erases the graphite well and without too much mess. Remember, NO SMUGES! *Forgot to say, a charcoal eraser will be a good friend, if it’s affordable. (Sorry for forgetting that.)

Now, hardness:

Find your typical hand writing pressure in the table below.

Generally the harder you press, the more difficult to erase. So bigger pressure (aka black marks, scratches etc) is 5.

5 4 3 2 1

2H H HB B 2B

How it works:

If you’re 3 you’ll need:

H: tracing

HB: outline

2B: shading

If you’re a 5 you’ll need:

2H: tracing

H or HB: outline

B: shading

If you’re 1 you’ll need:

HB: tracing

HB or B: outline

2B: shading

If you are 2 or 4 you’ll have to go through trial and error. Sorry. Just keep in mind that depending on where you lean; extremes or average (3), you follow the guidelines above.

For example, I am a hard 5 (if not 5,5 lol) so at some point I resorted working with just 2H and HB. I only ever use B when I need something to be black— which admittedly happens rarely. It’s only a few times you’ll need to depict actual black.

> You generally need a tracing pencil that won’t leave too dark visible marks behind when erased. People 5 and 4 will have to be a little careful though and not scratch the paper but that will come with practice.

> Your outline has to be enough to ‘stain’ the paper so you won’t lose your main sketch. It’s also correction time. Yey!

> Your shading shouldn’t smudge because you’re going to use layers. Yes. Even in traditional art you darken in layers, typically in as light moves as possible and in varying angles until you get the shade you want but that’s for later.

I personally don’t have any specific papers to propose to you (bitch you’re using basic photo-printing A4 papers wth lol). You’ll just need a hard surface, especially my 5 and 4 palls.

Ok, that’s it for today, folks.

Let me also slap a disclaimer here: I am NOT a professional art tutor. I just love art. 🤗

[nicki0kaye]

Thoughts on wtf is going on with Zeb;

Didn’t he retire? 

yeah, like. Five years ago. To spend his days with Kallus who is a fucking workaholic. Have you met ‘retired’ workaholics? They don’t know how to let the world turn without them. Plus we don’t know how involved the rest of the Spectres are with the New Republic. As much as I wanted those motherfuckers to go and RELAX, it does make sense that they’d be sucked back into ‘protecting the galaxy’ either from family influence or general restlessness. The dredges of the Empire are still out there, after all. The war ended, but people still need protection.

it makes a lot of sense that they’d be keeping to the Outer Rim rather than taking more prestigious positions in the Core. I’d like to think they’re hanging around Lothal while Ezra is gone, looking after it for him. 

Where is your husband, sir? 

as much as I hate to say it, it makes sense Kallus isn’t there. Zeb and Kallus have very different skillsets. If they’re lending their time to the Republic as either full on employees or contractors, they’d be regulated to very different sectors. This dovetails into why the fuck is Zeb in a pilot’s suit? It’s likely bc that’s his new position. His strength is as a mechanic and gunner, his place is in a hanger working on ships. And this is, like, an official government now and stuff. You gotta wear the uniform. Along with that, you can’t fly a civilian ship for government duties. They aren’t gonna be OKing the Glimmer for missions, which means the boys can’t ‘work from home’, which means they aren’t likely to be working together on the regular. Kallus’ place is in data analysis and logistics. Poor fuck is likely chained to a desk somewhere (ideally on Lothal) while Zeb goes where ever ppl need an extra hand. Which sucks. It’s clear Kallus chose to be part of the naval division of the ISB bc he LIKES being on the front lines. Now, well. It’s not just peace time, there’s also (hopefully) limits on what they’re willing to give to this New Republic. They’ll both help, but they won’t sell their souls. No career positions, no politics, just good honest work to keep this sector of the universe running smoothly. Unfortunately, not getting too involved probably means desk job for info boy.

Also, Kallus could have been a huge asset to the Amnesty Program, but you know what? It probably would have been triggering as fuck to police other ‘ex-imps’, and also when it was in the planning stages, he was likely tRYING to be legit retired. 

honestly, I’m hoping to see both him and Zeb as fairly critical of the New Republic, knowing they can do the most good (and with the least friction) within the system but skeptically waiting for it to fuck everyone over, while always keeping an eye out for the remnants of the Empire. Its safer for them to play with the New Republic, too. It gets them easy(er) access to NR resources and keeps them in the know about coming dangers. Its a marriage of convenience, built on an understanding that they should never fully place their trust in anyone but themselves, bc the Core doesn’t give a shit and is always busy huffing its own farts

[not-poignant]

I remember reading some asks that when you were in Guardians fandom, people were always correcting some stuff too, that they though is wrong or smth. And I feel like especially after so long writing your own universes, those very "smart" anons are really annoying. I just hope that they won't suck any wind from benith your wings and you don't spend much energy on answers to their asks and that you know always know - your writing is your own and we are fucking blessed for reading it <3

Maybe I just have forgotten so that I can mostly remember the good things (haha) but aside from people always having a bone to pick with me calling Pitch's daughter Seraphina, Rise of the Guardians was generally pretty chill!

I think back then there were a lot more 'why are you depicting Bunnymund this way?' or 'Why are you making this choice?' which as open-ended questions I really don't mind answering!! Even when it's obvious that the person who's asking the question doesn't agree with my depiction, then I can explain myself, vs. someone just anonymously coming in to go 'hi you are wrong' when... I'm not O.o

Different fandoms have different feels to them, kind of like visiting different countries! DnD / FR as a fandom seems to have a pocket of vocal people who want to prove they know more than me about DnD / FR to which I'll just say - you all know more than me, you win, here's your trophy, now let me write my fic the way I want thanks and learn how to read tags/author's notes :D That being said, the folks who don't care about that shit and just want to enjoy Astarion being railed / living his best-worst life have been the BEST and I really enjoy how thoughtful they are and how cool their comments are. There's some super engaged folks in this fandom who have really great takes on things, and I enjoy that side of it a lot.

Rise of the Guardians was incredibly creative. Like, to this day, I know one fanartist who went to work at Dreamworks, one who does official art for Hearthstone and works for Blizzard (her dream - and I still have her fanart of Gwyn in my house!), plenty more who went on to become professional artists, comic writers, writers, animators etc. I think the visual art and style of that show attracted so many people who love art, which was fun. We also had antis, but whatever, I feel like every fandom has those if you're active in the fandom.

Stardew Valley is mostly very mild, because it's intermittently very quiet and there's so many different pairings, and I've always written rarepairs. Generally people who enjoy that game are pretty low-key, and they're some of the nicest folks I've met in like anon asks and in comments! Love SDV peeps and it's been a pleasure to come back to the fandom.

Dragon Age: Inquisition was... lol. Lol. Well, look, I made some amazing friends through that fandom who I still know today. It attracted actually a surprising amount of older fandom folks who brought a lot of knowledge about how to write fic, so the fandom is drenched in really good fic, really good art. There was a ton of fucking drama, and some of the most acephobic rhetoric I've ever seen came out of this fandom, including asexual block-lists where people hunted each other down on Tumblr with things like 'have you blocked this person yet they're asexual' in anon. So like... DAI was a RIDE. The people I met in that fandom as friends I'll treasure. The actual fandom itself was a trash-fire depending on where you were. There were definitely a couple of BNFs in this fandom who made it their job to just hate other people, especially if they were ace and liked writing an ace Dorian Pavus. That was the first time I learned that blocking is good for the soul.

The Beast that Chose Its Own Bridle is a tiny fandom made of people who all love Felix and Mildmay very much :D

Detroit Become Human was a weird experience and it felt like a weird fandom. It was I think Korean or Japanese fanart that actually inspired Eversion, since that's where the first reverse!AU fanart (at least that I saw) began. But the comments could be weird, the anons were sometimes weird (not always, but sometimes! Especially in the beginning - and I just think first impressions really count lol), and I remember joining a Connor/Hank Discord where the most active folks were very quick to tell me how I should write my story, which was like - I like that they liked the story, but I've never had people try to show how much they like something by trying to change it into something they like more in quite that way before? I didn't really feel like staying in the fandom, tbh, it's extremely cliquey, especially all the folks that have like 400 names for the different versions of Connor, and it feels like it has a steep learning curve if you want to join the 'club.'

It was also the story where I had to do the most heavy lifting on BDSM education. Like, this fandom felt very BDSM naive *overall* - there's obviously exceptions, but I had to literally change how I was writing the story to explain more things than I normally would have done in a fic like that, because I was just getting so many 'why would Connor want to be humiliated during sex' anons and comments which was like okay, okay, let's actually do some 101 brochure stuff with this (the chapter where Connor calls Luuk and they talk about Connor liking being humiliated was not meant to be a whole chapter dslkfjas).

In fandoms like Thorki I could assume that the majority of readers would sort of get that even if it was a kink they didn't like - it was still just a kink that people can like and/or help others out with explanations. So it's possible D:BH skewed young and/or just not BDSM experienced! Which is fine! It's just I've noticed it here the most of all the fandoms I've been in. There were folks who knew kink really well who didn't need any explanations there at all, because I tend to over-explain a character's reasoning at the best of times, but yeah.

These are all like... deeply personal experiences influenced by the pairings I'm writing and how deeply I'm going into each fandom! I was tag-tracking in RotG / D:BH / DA:I, so I saw a lot more stuff, I think.

There's other fandoms I've been a part of but not really written for much or at all, like Thorki (love it there) and Sebaciel re: Black Butler (love it there too, but we lose a lot of writers because of antis), and also Murderbot (really weirdly cliquey in a 'oh... I see' kind of way, which might explain why a small pocket of people are writing most of the fics - because they're the only ones allowed in their Discord lol). Murderbot fandom is why I didn't end up writing Murderbot fanfiction sdalkfjdsa

Anyway, fandoms are weird, personal spaces that should be heavily curated! But I can't stop anons coming into my inbox with certain 'flavours' of question per fandom unless I turn off anon and honestly where would be the fun of that :D :D :D

[practicalmagicintuitions]

Please ignore this ask if you wish so! Let me just cut to the chase: Is abortion "Karmically messy"/evil/bad from a spiritual perspective? I ask this because I have seen a growing number of feminine spirituality coaches and non-christian anti-feminist trads ( i get there are many shortcomings of feminism as we are seeing now today, however feminist thinking and this movement is still needed I would say given how rights can be stripped away from women even in the most progressive countries, I'm personally from a country where women are still controlled and hurt where abuse is the norm and men are favored in every aspect due to the social order and religion. Them saying feminism has made it worse for them and it sucks for them that women can't handle stress, shouldnt have right to vote or be in authority positions because men lead, teens are women and no harm in early pregnancies and partnerships with men decades older, women should be obedient submissive housewives because having a job and *competing with men* is masculinizing 'future is female' feminist propaganda and disrespectful men because the feminine does not rise makes no sense because this movement is the reason they have more freedom than women have ever had before at such a large scale, when men are put at the forefront women are lagging its fine but if men are behind in the very system that they created and remains largely unchanged, suddenly the system needs to be changed for men and men's prosperity at the cost of women through equal distribution of women m, making women property so men have incentive to give a damn about women basically go back to ancient greece/rome/victorian ages where men were men and dominated women and their existences lay at mercy to men, its only find if men are in power and gets their so called needs met.) say this, that its bad for women and all of those things I mentioned above, most mention how they found this out when they saw women in Ayahuasca ceremonies where the souls of the babies were tormenting them, that its murder.

I know its a very heavy thing and possibly very uncomfortable to be asked this. I am truly sorry for any discomfort I may be causing. The reason I ask in because you are a spiritual practitioner for a considerable and are intuitive as well. Again I'm sorry and also more sorry for possibly butchering what you do (idk much about spirituality and what to call people who are intuitive tarot readers and practice divination/are spiritual). Thank you.

I was really thinking about this answer and probably every internal dialogue I had was better than I can put into writing but I try my best.

It’s important to disclose that everything I will say is an opinion of mine, something that is align with my belief system. And this will be a long answer with a lot of sideways, but bear with me. You do not cause me any discomfort with this ask, in fact, I am really moved and grateful that you are interested in my opinion and think my opinion is matter. 

First of all, I have to say I am sorry that you are in the social position you described. And even though I live in a country where according to the law we are equal I know many situations where this is just not true. However, I have to disagree on the feminism part because I am a firm believer that the radicalisation of feminism in fact made and still making our society less safe and liveable. Not just for men, but for women too. And I am saying this as someone who was raised by a feminist mother who is very disappointed lately in the “movement”. But this wasn’t the core of your ask, so let’s save this topic for another time.

Karma is a funny word here because if you are a full Buddhist (where the concept of karma comes from) the answer is yes, abortion is evil. But I am not part of any church or religion, I am a solitary practitioner and the very reason for this is because I had attended for many many horrible years to a religious school and… thanks, I don’t want to have anything with organised, institutionalized religions anymore. I am trying to read as many things on spirituality as I can and listen to my intuition that what I am reading is good, usable for me or not. For example, I read a book full of very practical exercises and I found it amazing, but somehow the writer of the book gives me the creeps. I cannot look at him or listen to him. However, I think the core of his “ teachings”, the book itself is very good and usable. If you are do it alone and don’t let the herd mentality suck you in. This is the same with religions too. The teaching most of the time are fundamentally good but always the individuals, the “teachers, the mentors” are the one who twists it. 

I believe women should have control over their bodies and the right to say no to sex or having/keeping a child. But with rights comes responsibilities too. I don’t think abortion is evil if it’s meant to save the mother’s life or try to help a r*pe victim to move on and not force her to raise that child. Or not force a woman, (who knows she won’t be a good mom) to be an emotionally distant mother and raise a mentally fragile kid who feels they are not wanted or loved. Or if someone has no help and money and doesn’t have any options. (and please don’t say she should give it to adoption then. This isn’t possible in every country and she still needs an insane amount of money for the next 9 months. So adoption is not always an option)  So in those cases, I don’t think karma will hit those mothers or doctors. I am the generation who watched ER religiously (hah, interesting choice of word) when it was on TV originally. And I remember a scene where a mother requested an ultrasound and when it turned out the baby will be a girl she decided to abort it. And this wasn’t her first time, she aborted all of the baby girls. This stuck me with to this very day. So if someone uses abortion instead of birth control or picking the baby’s gender, I think yes, that is bad and probably she had to pay later in her life or the next one. 

But I also think we are connected and belong together with our children whether they are born in this life or not. No matter whether we decided to have them, abort them, or not have them at all. We still belong to each other and we will meet, if not this life, the next one. And I have a very strong reason to think this but I cannot tell you more about it. (it’s nothing to do with abortion though).

I also don’t think a few days old lumps of a cell’s existence are worth more or even equal to a woman’s life. How is it pro-life when doctors let mothers die because of a fetus or even a baby who probably wouldn’t survive anyway? So instead of one “dead” we have two. And a full family ruined. Yay! How those people, lawmakers, and activists could say a mother who possibly has a loving family, friends, and other kids and who possibly affect others' life positively must die? In name of what? In name of celebrating life? It’s basically human sacrifice. And if there is any evil in this story is not the one who wants to end a pregnancy.

Every people have their own morality and belief system. And if yours is that you could never have an abortion that is on you and no one have the right to tell you otherwise. But you don’t have the right to force women to not have one.

I also want to say that I feel myself a politically homeless person because everything I saw around me is this radical “ you have to pick a lane and stick to it” mentality. And I refuse to do that. I like to think of myself as someone who is in the middle and uses their right mind to make decisions. So probably that’s why I am a solitary practitioner.

[dark-muse-iris]

Pre-dystopian era truly encapsulates pre 2020 now doesn't it? 😂 The things the last 2 almost 3 years have brought forth in humanity is 👀 disappointing at the best of times.

I'm surprised to see just how the app has changed, as I haven't had the chance to hop on desktop just yet. It seems...almost functioning? No more character limit on asks is nice as now I don't have to break this into 6 different messages 😂 New settings and everything else to try and figure out.

I've turned 24 this last July, and the last time I was truly active on here I was 21 so the personal growth and loss that have come with that is interesting for sure. I've lost both my grandmas in the past year and my living grandfather has already remarried (oh boy the family drama that caused), moved twice and live with my boyfriend of 3 years, have gone NC with his narc family and LC with mine as best as possible, started a job that has me earning the most I ever have financially but definitely have cost a part of my soul 💀😂 and I'm trying my best to get to a place in my life where I'm debt free and in a industry I actually love and care for (cannabis and growing it) and get my boyfriend the disability coverage he needs but I'm sure you're well aware that its a poor joke of trying to get that approved. So on some notes, its been good and I've changed into a better person but also if anything bad happens in 2023 I'm very fragile about it 😂😅

I understand the "striving for mediocrety" as a workplace mentality, and just how exhausting it can feel with wanting to bring better things to the office and just getting shot down. The old dodgers of "this is how we've always done it" dont always seem to realize that doing the same thing for 40+ years only works when the system isn't as broken as it is (or if it even worked in the first place). Is being remote going to give you the chances to take care of your sleep issues and anything else health related thats popped up for you? Ik last I checked you were doing the testing to see if it was more than standard narcolepsy.

(I'll probably message again and finish my thoughts but I am night shift and my break just ended so I gotta head back. It's so nice talking to you again ☺️💕)

I’m sorry to hear about your grandmas. I lost two of mine since 2020 and it’s been really hard on the family. If my grandfather had remarried that quickly, I’d be scratching my head as to how they were able to make it happen. My grandfather doesn’t appear to be dating, but that’s likely because 1) he cooks, and 2) he’s got stage 4 cancer, courtesy of U.S. chemical warfare in Vietnam.

As someone who works in a soul-sucking job that pays well, let me just say: it’s worth it. It is absolutely worth it to have a full belly and warm place to sleep during recession years. When I worked in industries I loved and didn’t have enough to eat, I resented my dreams and hated myself for having them. Letting those dreams go gave me the chance to have other dreams and I’ve been able to forgive myself for being so hard in my early 20s. It can take years to get the life you want, so don’t let anyone shit on you for doing what you have to do to eat in the meantime, especially anyone of the older generations who did their part to suppress our standard of living.

The insistence on clinging to broken systems of the past is one big reason I transferred jobs. There’s a lot of that still going around. My managers were panicking and kept asking why I was leaving; I think they finally understood how far I’m willing to go to make sure “office culture” won’t waste my time anymore. For me, being a remote employee streamlines my workflow and reduces my workplace accommodations for narcolepsy by half. It’s also much easier to manage my ADHD at home where I can remove distractions. In the office, no one was working on our job shit; everyone just gathered around to talk about their kids or health problems or ridiculous work drama they didn’t plan on fixing themselves. I had forgotten how much time people wasted just bitching for nothing. When I hear a complaint, I want to fix the problem and get rid of it, but that wasn’t a good fit. My colleagues wanted free therapy from someone their kid’s age because *surprise* their kid isn’t talking to them anymore.

I’m hopeful for cannabis and glad you’re pursuing the field! It’s not fully legal where I live, but I have many chronically ill family and friends who rely on it because they can’t take meds or afford the healthcare they need. I have some family who are growers in different states where it’s allowed and they’re happy with the work they’re doing. I never had the green thumb for that; I’m the only who would take dead grass and make a basket out of it.

[oddygaul]

There Is No Antimemetics Division

Well, the point of this journal is to record my thoughts about things I’ve read, rather than just let them come and go… but boy, if there ever was a book to intentionally not record so it slips from my memory like a fading dream…

I certainly had my issues with this book – I wasn’t thrilled by the writing, for example. qntm’s prose is very dry and matter-of-fact, which works great for encyclopedia-style SCP logs, but leaves a bit to be desired when deployed for a whole novel. The concepts, though… the concepts here are so damn cool.

So, scientifically speaking, a meme is an idea or concept that naturally spreads from person to person. Style is a meme, language is a meme, social niceties are memes - memes are the genes of a culture. The DNA of the soul, if you will. An antimeme, then, would be an idea that is intentionally not shared - your computer password, perhaps, or a dark personal secret.

Now, the idea of weaponized or dangerous memes is fairly well-explored in media: contagious ideas that infect entire populations, ideas so dangerous that all one has to do is say a particular phrase and the recipient is immediately sucked in and infected. From Snow Crash to Hyperion, the idea of a meme virus is a staple of cyberpunk, and similar concepts even show up in unlikely places like Mob Psycho 100.

But what if there was a dangerous antimeme? An idea or entity that was extremely lethal, but that you're unable to share knowledge of with anyone? A being that you forget about the moment you’ve left its presence? A concept that, even if you write it down, will be scoured from the page? A horrifying truth that exists around every corner, which everyone looks right through because they physically cannot perceive it?*

*There’s other fiction in this space, of course: They Live has things hidden in plain sight from folks, and you could argue the videotape from The Ring is basically a self-enforcing antimeme.

The concept is heady, and There is No Antimemetics Divison explores its implications sublimely. For example: how would you even go about organizing folks to research such a topic? Everyone would just forget what they were doing, right? Sure they do – so you plan around it. Enter the Antimemetics Division's ‘asynchronous research’.

If you assume that everyone contributing to a research project is going to forget all context in between sessions, the documentation is written first and foremost as a primer, with the aim of conveying all relevant information as quickly and succinctly as possible to catch the reader up to speed. Most projects at the Antimemetics Division are this way – agents will often have no idea what it is they’re heading to go work on, just a memorandum demanding they enter holding room 013-3778B every six weeks on the dot for Very Important Work.

Because one can’t retain the specific knowledge and details of the anomalies themselves, the Antimemetics Division mantra holds that someone is as good of an agent on their first day as they’re ever going to be. You can’t stack up obscure knowledge, you can’t memorize your way out of problems; what makes a successful agent is quick thinking, adaptability, and a knack for rapidly spotting flaws in their own logic that are being caused by the memory holes. It’s frighteningly stressful – nothing about the job can become rote, so every situation demands your absolute attention.

The memory loss also makes being a member of the Antimemetics Division remarkably fucking bleak. If something goes wrong in the department, it’s usually going to have been caused by an antimeme – and this means it’s very likely no one will know what went wrong, why it went wrong, and who was lost because of it. The idea that coworkers, colleagues, friends, even significant others could die without you even noticing their absence is one of the biggest horrors in the book – and the fact that this is shown to be the de facto standard in the department, with everyone taking hundreds of unknown casualties in stride, is daunting.

The worst part is, there’s also nothing to be gained from these losses: you can’t learn from your predecessor’s mistakes when you can’t remember what fatal mistake they made. If someone dies this way, their entire existence is erased, meaning they have literally died for nothing, not even leaving behind memories in the heads of the ones who loved them.*

*Despite this, the author does seem to hold a somewhat romantic view of memory. After taking Foundation-issued mnestic drugs, you can not only be protected from memory erasure, but even restore previously lost memories. This implies that antimemetics aren’t actually erasing your memories and destroying neural pathways, just locking them off inside of your head somewhere, waiting to be found. How optimistic!

-----

So, while the conceptual foundation is rock-solid, the story itself left me a little cold due to its ballooning scope. There Is No Antimemetics Division starts out feeling like an anthology; there’s recurring characters, but the stories can stand alone, almost as if you’re taking a look through the ol’ SCP wiki. As it goes on, though, the book starts to tie everything together, and becomes this big epic story about one particular world-ending antimeme, which it turns out has been the progenitor of most of the antimemetic entities all along. And it’s fine; it leads to some cool setpieces, and I guess it makes sense diegetically for such alien oddities to have a common origin.

To me, though, it harshes the mystery and the spook factor to have these things explained so neatly, and the big bad SCP’s vast, world-ending danger level actually left me less invested than when the story was smaller in scope. I was most intrigued by the one-off phenomena, like SCP-2256: benign creatures cloaked in a natural antimemetic camouflage which has kept them hidden from the majority of the world for millennia, which undergo a species-wide extinction event once the Foundation starts studying them, as their physiology suffers adverse health effects simply from being observed.

I wonder if the scale of the story was the author taking advantage of writing a standalone novel instead of working within the typical SCP framework. Given that SCP is a collaborative storytelling project, I imagine you typically have to scale things down a bit, and keep the danger relative – if every single SCP was an apocalyptic world-ending threat that radically changed the rules of the setting, the canon would get messy quick. In a book like this, though, with freedom to do whatever you like? Why not take your one chance to go full apocalypse?

[beforeiforgetyou]

This just my like personal manifesto or something. Rambling again. Nothing important to say. But the thoughts do be… thought-ing?

It be like… I see the vision. I see it. But like. The vision sucks. The vision is lame. Boring. Stupid. Why subscribe to that? It’s all been written. It’s played out. Like I see the vision. I see the appeal of it. Comforting. Secure. But why is it comforting and secure? Cuz it’s been played out! There’s comfort in the known. You know what’s gonna happen!!! If you really pivot and take that “unwalked path”… man that’s fucking terrifying! Shit that’s what I’m scared of. The unknown. The what-if. But at the same time the alternative seems even scarier. The “right” way. The vision. Their vision. Boring. Me? I wanna smoke weed, write books, paint landscapes… fuck a bunch of big booty women, see the world… I wanna experience the most exciting parts of life and human emotion. And like as I’m writing this it’s like… but I am doing that. Why am I so dissatisfied when most of the time I’m doing exactly what I want. I’m scratching my nuts, laying on the couch, getting high, drinking my favorite beer… I just spent THREE weeks alone in Colombia drinking ayahuasca and pretending to speak so Spanish. It’s not a book but every night I’m on here pouring out my heart and soul, every thought and feeling. I’m a writer even if no one’s reading it fr. A writer all the same. Then I wake up when I want, half ass this easy ass job and make almost 80 a year doing it! And I’m smart as hell. Man most of the time people don’t even really understand wtf I’m talking about cuz they thinking about idk little things. Nothing wrong with little things but they don’t satisfy me. That’s why I’m so lonely. Nobody “gets it” and yk what, I don’t want them to! Okay that’s a lie. Yes I do. I want to be loved. Beloved. By everyone. That’s why my nice guy act is so good. It’s a trap. A mask. I’m a psycho little freak behind it. I got a mean streak. Why? Cuz I’m doing exactly wtf I want and anything or anyone that gets in the way of that is in my way. Not in a bad way really. Just in a very like… man nobody can really tell me nothing. So yes. I want what I want and when I don’t get what I want I’m pissed off. Cuz that’s how I made it this far. From doing what I want. Taking what I want. And saying fuck it to the rest. I am a selfish man. Cuz guess what? It’s a selfish world. And if you don’t take it, someone else will. They always say nice guys finish last. But I’m not really a nice guy. Am I? I’m a grumpy little guy that’s waking up and doing what I want every single day. Ugh I should be fucking the whole world straight in its dried up pussy! But I have a weakness! My heart. My longing. My yearningggg. What a pain. It’s always been. It blinds me. It keeps me from seeing that I’m actually the coolest mf I know. Cuz I’m always so in love, so heartbroken, soooo busy making heart eyes, trying to make someone happy. It just like… but I see the holes in vision babe! The vision sucks nuts! I want someone to see that tooooo! The meaning of life is genuinely just to have a good time. That’s it. Like… let’s get high, fuck, make a bunch of money, and live every moment of our lives doing exactly what we want! I’m not looking for a girlfriend. Or a wife. I want a partner. A ride or die. A nasty slut thats smart as fuck and is crazy enough to love my weird ass. Man. Even now I’m just here yearning and longing lol. What a lame ass guy. Lol. Oh well. It’s lonely out here. That’s for sure. I guess it’s all about finding someone who has the vision you do. But I’m very worried that no one will ever share mine. Oh well. Perhaps that’s the price. Of doing what you want. Always putting yourself first. You have to leave them behind. You have to let them go. When they don’t fit. Man… so many of them. I’m so good at leaving. That’s the truth too. I can forget anyone eventually. I have to. My heart is so soft. Too soft. It swallows up everything I love. But man it’s great at spitting it back out though… Eventually. It’s like. For me. It’s how I survive. My let go game must be impeccable. If I still wanted my parents love I never would have

been able to break their every rule to carve out my own path. If I didn’t close my heart to my siblings it would like hurt that we never talk. My best friend… I’d still Be upset over that! And the girls… oh man the girls are always the hardest. Damn near lost my mind forever over the first one. But then every time it became a little easier. That feeling. That loss. The pain. The tears. The tragedy. That was all the same. But ik it would pass. I think that’s why the first time was so bad. Cuz I didn’t know that yet. That one day you do forget the exact color of their eyes or the sound of their voice. It’s crazy. One day it’s just… gone. Even the memories fade after a while. I hold on too tight. Lord knows I do. I hold on until my fingers are literally breaking in half. But when that final release eventually comes… man… I just disappear. Why am I so good at that? Cuz i have to be. The world is beautiful. Marvelous. Extraordinary. It’s full of love. Joy. Happiness. Experience. But oh man… It’s full of pain too. But that’s part of it. The human experience. There’s beauty in pain too. Marvel in heartache. I’ve learned to find the beauty in it too. Not in the beginning when it rips me to shreds. But when it settles. Speaks softly. That grief. You have to have flown high to know the sorrow of the fall. Love hard. Love fully. Because even the pain is worth it. Love. Love is what I want. What I fear. What I seek. Why am I like that? How can I be so many things at once? Aren’t we all? Are we all? Does everyone feel this way? The dichotomy of everything. That would be a good book title. If I was Christian I’d be a catholic. Is that a weird thing to say? Sometimes Christians don’t think Catholics are Christian and vice versa. Isn’t it all the same? I like all their rituals and stuff. And they have best churches man them things are beautiful. I’m rambling now. I’m lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to. Well. To listen to me at least. I could have friends. I could have a girlfriend. Or two. I could even have a wife. But I choose this… solitude. This depressive quiet. Talk about quiet house? Now this house is quiet. Why do I do that? Well. There’s two main reasons I can think of. One, I have been on my own so long and I’m so good at it that I have trouble accepting the weight of another. I’m not good with others peoples emotions. Feelings. Other peoples individual thoughts or desires. I never really had to worry about that. I ran away young and took care of myself. I only had to think about myself. So it’s like now… at my big age I’m trying to figure out how to genuinely care about other people who don’t fit my vision. Like what do I do when someone I care about isn’t exactly what I want them to be? It’s like my first instinct is to wipe my hands, say fuck it, and walk away. But then I’m stuck. In that cycle. I’m alone again. I push them away before they can disappoint me. Cuz disappointment is painful. Before they can hurt me by not meeting my expectations. Does that make me an asshole? Yes. It does. Which leads me to the second reason. I choose solitude because I feel like no one really likes me and they shouldn’t. I’m not a very nice person. I’m demanding. I am. Want what I want. In all things. Work, friendships, relationships. I wasn’t spoiled as a child but

I’ve spoiled myself. I was so fed up with always feeling like a loser that I made it my mission to always get what I want and I’ve become accustomed to it. I’m a brat. It’s like as a child I felt so invisible, like I was living this vision my parents had for me. And when I finally broke away from that I had made a subconscious vow to answer to no one. Maybe both my reasons are really the same. I’m alone cuz I’m afraid. Of someone seeing through my facade. Afraid of letting someone see through my facade just to let them hurt me. Giving up on me. Losing our vision. Hurt me by running away from me. Being scared of me. I’m not scary. I’m intense. I will say that. I love hard. I love good. But ik im demanding. Hard to love back. Idk. I think I accept that. There are days. Believe me there are days. When the “why me”hits. Then the lonely little boy in me cries out for someone to hold him. Some days that child in me just cries man. Oh but I remember. I’m not a boy anymore. I’m a man. A whole Man. A man made one at that. I did that. I made it all happen. I’m sitting drinking beer and buying a pretty girl whatever she wants on Amazon cuz I DID THAT. I built this life. From nothing man. From nothing. I used to pick quarters off the ground in the Disney parking lot to find enough money to put $2 of gas in my car to make it back home. And it was barely a home. A foam pad on the floor of some stranger’s spare room. Washing my work uniform in the bathtub because I couldn’t afford the laundromat. Ugh I was disgusting. I used to stink because the water got shut off and I couldn’t shower. I didn’t care about love back then. I didn’t care about anything. Anyone. Except myself. Because who else was going to? Who gave a shit about me when I had nothing!? ME! I DID! I woke up every morning and worked three jobs and came home to the weird guy I rented a room from off Craigslist and pretended I didn’t notice him coming into my room and jacking off over my bed at night! Cuz where else was I gonna go!? I MADE ME! I MADE GIL! There was a period of like two years when I didn’t even touch a girl. Only sex I had was with myself. I had no confidence. Nothing to offer. I was fat. Ugly. Depressed. Pretty much homeless fr. I didn’t have friends really. Just a few guys from work who hung around and got high off my weed cuz I paid for it. Until that one motherfucker ask if I wanted to suck his dick. Why? Cuz I was fat? Quiet? Laughed a lot? That made me a faggot? That nigga was the faggot! I hate when that shit happens. When people assume something about me. Maybe I just learned to play the part too well. The nice guy. I was so fucking nice I had dudes out here thinking I’d get on my knees for them. Well look at me now motherfucker. I did that. I worked my ASS OFF. Played the game. Cheated sometimes. You know how many fake resumes I made. How many job applications I filled out. How much ass I kissed. I was the new guy. Then worked my way up to management. And was like twenty years old. Then I did it again. This time while in school. Three jobs. Full time student. In person classes. I got in a car accident leaving one job and going to another cuz I was so exhausted I fell asleep at the wheel. I dropped out after that. But I didn’t quit. I couldn’t. I was so tired. Six jobs in a year. Hoping one of them would pay me enough to quit the other two. I wanted my own

place. That’s what motivated me. I was sick of the terrible roommates. Tired of my stuff getting stolen. One day I came home and my roommate was naked in my bathroom in the tub with her boyfriend smoking a cigarette. Like wtf!? Busting my ass to come home to that!? I was working in Tampa then. Cuz it was more money. Living in Davenport and driving to Tampa everyday. Cuz I was the “trainer” for the new store. Making $14 an hour. Rent. Car payment. Insurance. Food. Gas. But it paid off. Cuz it got me that promotion. My first salary job. My first apartment. MY first apartment. No roommates. No furniture either though. But I didnt care. Every inch of that empty space was MINE. I dropped down to 2 jobs. Got a dog. An actual mattress. I started a keto diet. Used to meal prep all day on Sunday. For a year. That year. When it was just me. That’s when Gil became Gil. One time I spilled a bottle of watch in the kitchen floor. But I was late to work so I didn’t clean it up. When I got home that night it was dry. Like nothing even happened. That was the moment right there. That I was truly free. My rules. My game. My life. From there the rest is history. More money. New job. Raises. Promotions. Better car. Bigger apartments. Different dogs. I was 27 when I graduated. I didn’t need to finish. My degree wasn’t even in my field and I was already making good money. It was just to prove I could do it too. To myself. That I could do everything my parents expected me to. But I was going to do it my way. That’s one of the reasons I changed my name around then. Well shortened it. Cuz I wasn’t little Alex anymore. Sometimes I wish I had dropped that whole part of my name and just been Gil. Cuz I wasn’t a little boy anymore and I always hated having to write that long ass name. It was like the final piece of my new life. Most people are stuck with the name they’re given when they’re born. But not me. Not Gil. Gil paid $600, had to get fingerprints at the sheriffs office, and had to appear in court before a judge and told everyone who the fuck he is. The Universe dealt me my cards and I told it to take them back. Goddamn I fought tooth and claw for this life. Is it perfect? No. Is it finished? No. But it’s MINE. So why! Why am I so fucking sad sometimes?! wtf I really have to be sad about. Isn’t this everything I ever wanted? Everything I want? Like why do I care? About any of it? Anyone? I be getting so upset about going to toothsome but wtf I don’t even have to be there! I just keep going back cuz??? Idk! Cuz I can? Cuz I want? Clearly it’s something that makes me keep going back more than just money. I’m making the choice so why am I salty about it? Now all this. I see the vision. See the future. Hell I see the present. Cuz I want what I want right? Oh man I been writing this on and off for hours. wtf am I even talking about. Time for bed.

[sourcandycigs]

Life Update 2024

Hi world. Or nobody. Probably nobody.

So I have a long term partner now, we'll call him Zayne. I've never loved somebody like this and its so beautiful but so painful at the same time. Basically my life was on track and great until the week after my birthday last year in December.

I've lost a ton of confidence and have been so anxious and paranoid I've been throwing up on and off and I just wanna feel how I used to.

I'm trying to find reasons for it and the one that worries me the most is that it's my relationship and I need to break up with my partner. But I do NOT ever wanna do that. Ever. He's my whole world and I've never loved somebody so deeply.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment and anxiety. I used to feel so calm and happy in my life but now I feel like I'm sinking into this deep pit and just want to wake up normal again.

Honestly if I didn't want this relationship to be the ONE for life I wouldn't be getting this worried or sick thinking about it.

He's so beautiful.

Let me tell you a bit about him instead of focusing on all this negative shit I've got going on in my head one sec.

He's so funny, like he has my humour and can always make me smile even when I'm in tears. He's so weird, and goofy and just such a fucking loon.

He's so fit aswell, you have no idea. He's literally stunning. Gorgeous eyes, toned muscles and a lovely little perky bum.

He's a passionate lover, I've never had sex like it in my life which upsets me at the moment because my sex drive is WAY down because of my anxiety at the moment and I wanna get comfortable again and start enjoying my relationship again.

I feel like I'm messing this up, I haven't felt this way in ages. Last time I had a wobble like this was when me and my ex had broken up and I was stressed about finding somewhere new to live and where my life was going.

I think that's what this is again, the panic about my life and I'm just pinning it on my relationship because I'm trying to find answers and because my relationship is the most important thing in my life that's the thing that if I think about it being the issue bothers me so much.

It's just nasty thoughts that normally would just pass but because I'm not as confident and I'm anxious anyway they are really bothering and I'm looking WAY too far into them.

This is the man I want children with, the man I want to marry. No takebacks this time. I will work through this and come out the otherside stronger and happier than before, (he's also being so supportive and understanding through all of this I don't know where I'd be without him).

I'm putting so much pressure on myself and my feelings. We moved in together to a flat and at first I loved it and settled in well over time but ever since this December wobble I've found the flat a really daunting place to be because that was where I was at when these anxious feelings started. I just feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts at the moment and wanna just snap out of it.

I also have been doing my first serious job and that is probably adding to the anxiety, I felt alright before but again ever since this December wobble going to work has been hard because all I can think about is my anxiety!

My dad has really bad mental health issues and I'm worried I've inherited it lol, he is so anxious he dry heaves and throws up and I'm trying to not let myself get that bad again.

Zayne says all I can do is carry on going and not expect to feel like myself all in one day, and I know he's right. I just gotta keep going and eventually I know I'll get back to a good place, tbf it has only been a month or so since this all started. I think I'm also getting a bit depressed by it aswell.

Oh well, we move. I love him more than anything in the whole world. At least that I'm sure of. There's NOBODY else I'd rather be with and that's not bullshit. I know that in my soul.

I can do this, I can get through this, though it may suck a lot. I will come back onto my blog in a few months time and hopefully feel more like myself and be more on track.

Until then, I've got great support from my friends and family and honestly I consider Zayne and his family my family now more than my own. I miss living with his parents and do really wanna move back but know I can't run away from adult life forever and will just have to adjust. I think I was just very distracted when I first moved into the flat and it made the move and the intensity of it all not even register so when it all finally hit me it caused a mini life crisis/breakdown.

I'm already on the mend though I know it, I was MUCH worse so that's a win in my book. Just gotta focus on eating and taking care of myself and crying when I need to cry.

Well that was a mouthful lol, what an update. But to look on the brightside I have my life set now, a man that's gonna be a husband and a father and a family and set of friends who are gonna be there every step of the way. Now to re-settle and start enjoying it again and stop overthinking.

Easier said than done but all I can do is try.

I'll end this with a letter to myself:

Hi Em,

I know right now your mind is probably running wild but breathe.

You aren't alone, you don't need to feel trapped or panicked.

You can feel anxious, you can overthink. It's what you do and that's okay. But remember the end goal here. The family and the home with you and Zayne's kids. Bringing up a family together.

This is a bump in the road and if you are willing to crumble at the first big bump you'll never get any stronger.

Don't get mad for not feeling 100% straight away, it will take time and it's a process. One day you might feel just like yourself again and then the next 3 days suck. Try and enjoy yourself, your friends and your lover.

Life is just getting serious now. And this isn't the time to drop and run, it's the time to knuckle down and buckle in.

I love you Em, you are so cool and funny and kind and honest. But stop scaring yourself and don't think because you feel calm you're just pretending to because something's always wrong ffs.

Love you Em. We'll get through this.

You can't act like a teenager forever x

[mangodestroyer]

Well, I'm sure Aziraphale never experienced torture. But I think him being a principality would also give him a high pain tolerance. He may seem soft, but I'm sure he's been trained up to be tough if he needs to be (and was created to be a naturally strong individual). I'm not sure how they train principalities, but he's basically a Heavenly military unit. And yeah, I know. It's not what he wanted to be. It was decided for him. I imagine that can be its own kind of trauma. Human military training sucks ass from the sounds of it (I mean, I hear it can be pretty rough). Imagine how fucking cold and strict Heaven military training is?

Well, Crowley by contrast started off as such a sweet, open, and creative soul. An innocent angel who probably had more privileges and thought the universe was just a fun sandbox to play around in. And that other people were, um, reasonable. At least, not evil. Not strict enough either to toss him out for having questions and for being an "imperfect" angel (although, according to Neil, he's not always a reliable narrator and probably actually did something bad to warrant the fall).

And yeah, I know, he still has that sweet side to him. It's just been so repressed by years of trauma. I mean, he's been through a LOT. And forty years of torture is just... unimaginable! I mean, from Hell of all places too! And for something that would REALLY piss them off (he actually got off light for stumbling so badly as a demon; saving a soul from eternal damnation).

Idk, they say the humans can be surprisingly cruel by themselves. And they are! I learned the hard way, thanks to the internet, what some fucked up humans can do to each other (even in modern times, for which my teachers in grade school insisted when we were studying the dark ages, "We aren't like that anymore! Humanity evolved!", pft, yeah right!) But that's just the mortal plane. In Hell, they probably have all these magical tools for their "craft." And 6000 years to come up with some messed up shit. With demons who probably do this as their passion. And they can keep you alive and wide awake. Forever.

Yeah, I've never been a fan of Biblical Hell. No one deserves that. Not even the worst human beings to ever exist. But the thing is, it's not even just reserved for the "worst of the worst." It's for everyone Heaven doesn't approve of. And that would be the majority of the human population. And most people, while imperfect, aren't straight up evil (evil is when you ENJOY hurting others, yes, that kind of person does exist).

So yeah, no wonder Crowley is just... never really okay again after that forty years! No wonder he just goes straight to begging for holy water! That theory has to be one of the most disturbing GO theories imo (and this universe can be surprisingly disturbing if you think about it a lot). I don't really blame Crowley for being super scared of Hell and the other demons when he pisses them off. Or for wanting to always run off or avoid problems when they become too much. He's hit his breaking point a long time ago.

In fact, I think he's just straight up broken now. And seems very mentally ill at this point. I think the mental illness thing was more apparent in season two. He kind of comes off as someone who's just trying to live a normal life, but just can't. Idk, I kind of had a hard time watching season two because of it. Might be able to do so if I tried again, now that I'm used to it. And Aziraphale seemed a bit out of touch with it. I'm not saying that makes him bad or anything. He probably hasn't processed his own shit yet. It just seems obvious that Crowley is, um, not well?

Again, I just can't fathom 40 years of torture in Hell. How the fuck would anyone recover from that? In the real world, people can become super fucked up over far less. For life. I mean, if they intended on sending him out to be an agent again, would they have really gone all out with him? They need him to still be able to do his job and all. What good would a catatonic agent be? I mean, if he got sent back out after the fact, then that was probably a "warning." His only warning, I would assume. Something to really get the message through. But not "the worst."

Needless to say, I kind of hope that weird time skip is at least addressed a little in season three. It's leaving me with lots of questions and speculation. Maybe I'm overthinking it, idk. I just feel like it's kind of important though. I mean, it seems like it plays a huge role with Azicrow too. If that's the reason Crowley asked for holy water. Or why Crowley seems more avoidant now (well, more so after that 60's scene). I mean, Aziraphale was being more affection to him, and he was a little responsive. But he actually seemed kind of... not that responsive to it. Almost a little oblivious to it. And also had a weird resource guarding moment over letting Azi use his car (an angel he loves more than anyone, and I know cars are very treasured possessions, but the Bentley is sentient and very capable, and Azi is also capable). And also chose to live in his car despite not liking it (when he could have just lived in the bookshop).

I'm way too into this. I agree. Crowley needs so many hugs! Actually, I sometimes just want to take him somewhere safe where he can never be hurt again. And so he doesn't have to deal with that fucked up world he lives in anymore.

I will never tire to watch this scene.

Aziraphale acts like a normal person but Crowley reacts like he has been shot by a bloody shotgun or a fucking sniper. He is so damn dramatic, my poor bitch

It's just a lil ball of paint, love 😭 please chill

[novelmonger]

Milly Thompson, Vash the Stampede, Legato Bluesummers, Roy Mustang, Schezka, Izumi Curtis, Van Hohenheim

From this ask game

*shudder* I don't want to go anywhere with Legato! What's wrong with you???? D8

Go grocery shopping with - Milly!!! I wanna go grocery shopping with my sweet Milly! She'd be able to carry most of the groceries herself - most of which would be pudding cups, probably XD But she just seems like she would make anything fun, and she's always so cheerful. We could chat about our families and our jobs, and everything would just be so normal - even though she's anything but.

Have lunch with - I would love to get to taste whatever Izumi Curtis would make for lunch. I'd be a little scared of her, no doubt, but maybe if I just work hard at helping her cook and then wash dishes, she won't yell or anything. After all, I wouldn't be her pupil, so she'd probably be pretty kind. I would totally freak out if she coughed up blood while I was there, though :'(

Have coffee with - Ugh, this is going to sound like worst self-insert fic ever, but...Roy Mustang >///< I would be extremely flustered and tongue-tied, because he would turn up the charm and make it seem like we're on a date in a cute little cafe. But then it would become clear that it's a front for some mission, or the whole point is to pass along information or something like that. Which would be cool enough in its own way. But...you know...it would be really nice to hear his laugh and see him smile, even if he were faking it. We don't see near enough of that in canon.

Go thrift shopping with - I think it would be really fun (and funny!) to go thrifting with Vash XD It would be hilarious to watch his antics, and adorable to watch his fascination with like...children's toys, or antiques that remind him of somebody he used to know. And of course, Vash being Vash, we'd probably end up in a holdup or a shootout or something, which would suck, but at least I'd get to see his incredible gunslinging skills up close, and I know no one would get hurt. Except maybe him :(

Explore a museum/art gallery/aquarium with - Can you imagine going to an art gallery with a man who was alive when most, if not all, of the artists were alive? Maybe he even knew some of them personally! Hohenheim got around! Not to mention, there's probably some artists among the 536,329 souls inside him! He could explain all the interesting backstories and tidbits and artist's techniques that you don't get on the little plaque underneath the frame. And maybe he'd been to some of those places, and he could tell me whether it was an accurate depiction or not. What I'm saying is, Theophrastus Bombastus van Hohenheim would make the best tour guide ever. (This would also apply to a science or history museum, but for some reason my mind latched onto art instead.)

Go the library/bookstore with - Well, obviously I have to go to the library with Scieszka! She would know where all the best books are! Her recommendations would be so good! I bet I could give her a list of my favorite books, and she'd immediately grab a whole stack of books in the same vein that would last me the next year!

Have as a plus-one at a wedding - Okay, okay, fine. Legato would ask me to go with him to a wedding for some unfathomable reason, and I would say yes because I would be terrified not to, and then at the first opportunity, I would make an excuse to go to the bathroom, and then try to climb out a window and escape, except he'd probably figure out what I was trying to do and then kill me. Or force me to kill myself. Either way, it ain't gonna be pretty. Unless Vash gets wind of it and comes over from the thrift store and saves us all.