#when you're nd and you feel too too TOO much and you cannot pretend it's just fiction

[silencervalkyrie]

I wasn't expecting to spend my friday's night trying to emotionally regulate after reading the angstiest piece of angst I've ever read in my life in a fic

oh boy does it HURT

it's never hurted like this before oh good lord oh lord

[vanderdyks]

I geniunely cannot stand when allistics try to say Resident Alien is actually making fun of autistic people because they believe Harry is too childish now because I JUST-

In the beginning, Harry tried SO MUCH HARDER to fit in with the humans around him. He mimicked their speech patterns, consistently observed them, emersed himself in their activities so they wouldn't suspect he was different.

The Harry now? He doesn't care. He's loud in places he should be quiet. He talks how he wants. He laughs FREELY. He's learned large crowds of people? Not for him. He doesn't like being touched by strangers.

He's just Harry. Himself. Because he can be. Because he's realized even if some of the people of Patience find him strange, it doesn't matter. They'll never guess he's from outer space.

Have you noticed that every other alien we have seen is not like Harry? Not the greys, or the half human hybrids, not even Heather. When Heather is around humans who know she is an alien, we get to see the difference, but when she isn't? She fits in so well with any other neurotypical human.

Not Harry though. So yes, he is autistic because I said he is. Because I am autistic. And if you're allistic, you don't get to tell autistic people they shouldn't headcanon Harry as autistic (even though it is very obvious they're purposefully playing him as neurodivergent now.)

When you take an autistically coded character that a lot of autistic individuals relate to, and try to argue the character is actually a "child" and being "infantalised," you're actually being ableist.

You're saying that the traits we have resonated with are childish... Harry seems like he's "regressed" because instead of trying to adapt and pretend to be human, he is becoming something else entirely. Not human, but not fully alien either.

The body of doctor Harry Vanderspeigle was once just a disguise. Now it IS Harry's. It's his body, his own skin. And he's gotten comfortable in it and you know this because you deliberately witness times where he might be holding his hands like he would his claws (primarily when he's sleeping.) His brain doesn't realize he's not in his normal form, because in many ways, this is his new normal form.

He has emotions. He cares. He's in completely new territory and finding himself. And in doing so, that carefully crafted human mask? It's fallen a bit.

So that thing you label as "regression" is a thing I label as progress. He's learning still. Let him learn. Let him be. And give it time. And I hope to GOD Harry never becomes fully human to the point we can't recognize him. I hope he never loses his unique inflictions, or his love for pizza and pie. I hope he continues to love the quiet. I hope he ALWAYS laughs obnoxiously. I hope he always runs like he doesn't know what to do with his limbs. I hope you always see his emotions throughout his body because they simply cannot be contained. I hope he continues to jump when excited or pace when he's angry. I hope he stays obsessed with Law & Order forever.

Because if you take all that away, you're taking away the bits that make him Harry. You want a carbon copy human. I want the autistic alien struggling to understand human nature.

That being said, of course you can express your opinion him. And it can be discussed because everyone is going to have a different perspective.

But you don't get to dictate an autistic perspective if you are not autistic. Or try to cancel anyone for it either.

I love Harry. And I relate to him SO MUCH. And I love how much representation I can see him through him for me. Because I personally believe Alan and the writers have chosen to keep presenting this character as ND.

It's okay to dislike the direction of his character development. It's okay to find the flaws. It's okay to share that perspective. What's NOT okay is dictating the feelings of others because they might not agree with you.

I don't find him childish. I see him as an autistic individual trying to navigate a society that his brain hasn't been hardwired to understand.

And if you think he's too childish, please look closer at the why you think he is. Really be introspective on this one.

Because Harry is a parent. And has a child. And he has relationships. And he takes care of himself. Not only that, he is the town doctor and takes care of everyone else too. He is the smartest. He is the strongest. None of the characters have had to worry about the wellfare of Harry specifically. Its why no one realizes the greys have captured him. Because of course Harry would be fine, hes the alien expert. He knows what he's doing. So while everyone else spent so much time worrying about each other, no one was left to worry about Harry.

So ask yourself why you believe Harry has become "too childish" and if your answer comes down to any of his quirky traits or his misunderstandings of human nature, then you really need to consider if what you're actually uncomfortable with is autism/autistic traits.

[publicabsent]

she's never had a classic christmas before, often either left home alone or tucked away up in her attic & pretending she doesn't exist. but things are very different now, aren't they? there's a dull soreness when she breathes too deeply, the asthmatic rattle a little stronger -- she was already riddled with scars. these are different, though, shared with the people who saved her. while they may have scattered to the wind, which she cannot blame them for, she had nowhere to scatter to.

so her bony frame sits half-asleep in the window's reflection, chin resting on her knees. her admission of allowing him in is only half-intended to be said aloud, though she does not regret it. she'd first come here with no alternatives, no choices, battered & silent like some stray animal. despite her comfort found here, she still does not speak much. this house is the only one she's ever been in that she's felt welcome in, though she cannot help wondering when that will change. when her small shape takes up too much space.

annette wakes up a little when leland removes tinsel from her hair, an almost bashful smile tugging at the left side of her face. she can't remember having a friend like this -- one who isn't ashamed of her, or afraid of having her as a guest. perhaps she never let it happen before, or perhaps she'd just never met someone that kind. the small medium allows herself to be nudged, then leaning to barely rest her head against leland's shoulder.

her stomach churns at the mention of a next year, though. she'd been hour by hour for so long, the idea of a year in advance is incomprehensible. but she remembers what the future used to feel like -- dark, hopeless, void. but now isn't the time for dread. it isn't like his family would likely even remember her that long. "m'gl - glad i'm here, t-too." a genuine statement, if her voice still sounds melancholy. it isn't like she had anywhere else to go. "you ... you & your wh - whole fam - mily h-have been ... s-so ki - kind." a pause.

"i, um ... i th-think you're the, um. the bes-st fr - frien-nd i'v-ve ever ... ever had."

@publicabsent said: ❛ you’re my family too. ❜

the late hour finds them side-by-side, in front of the living room window. leland's sleepy gaze hangs on the one dim bulb in the red-green roof lights outside ― and then to their reflections, softly backlit by the mckinney family christmas tree. over the hum of a charlie brown christmas on the television, leland could faintly hear his mother and sisters, chatting indistinctly in the other room. and the sound of willa peacefully asleep, under a mountain of blankets on the couch behind them.

no dice on the snow, this year. but there was a lot that felt incomplete to this picture, really. his things from college still wait in boxes in his room ― perhaps tentatively hopeful he'll change his mind. and he tries not to think on their friends, that had scattered to the wind over the last year. and the hole in his chest that wasn't getting any less noticeable. the scars on both of them, that stare back.

annette speaks in his peripherals, and he gives a small smile. by the way she says it, hours later ― he knows she's been thinking it over. leland's quiet for a moment, as he studies their reflections against a navy-blue nighttime ― until he sees a glint of silver tinsel in her hair, grins, and dutifully plucks it out.

❝ ... i'm glad you're here, ❞ he says, sincerely. because he is. glad she had come with him. glad she had somewhere to be, for the holidays. after everything. here, alive. safe. he wondered if annette felt it too, that faint embrace of normalcy among all the wreckage. if she could finally see a way ahead in spite of it, too.

leland tips to playfully bump her shoulder. ❝ hey ― this means you gotta come back for the holidays next year, too, or mom'll never let me hear the end of it. ❞ poor nettie ― the mckinney women had swarmed her with form-typical festivity and fawning as soon as she'd stepped in the front door. his amusement tints just a touch with his sentimentality; ❝ ... i meant it, though, before. you call me, i’ll be there. you need a place to go, you can always come here. always, okay? ❞

[minahoeshi]

you were loved the most of all.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader | break-up angst

summary: You should've known that when Ushijima Wakatoshi found it easy to fall in love with you, it might be even easier for him to fall out of it. But who expects the worst when it comes to loving someone as seemingly perfect as him, anyway?

Chapter 1 of 2

Chapter 2 of 2

He said it was easy to fall in love with you. He said he didn’t know when exactly, at which place, nor for what reason. Simply one day, Ushijima Wakatoshi found himself looking at you with the epiphany that maybe there’s something more meant to happen between you and him. There you stood before him that day, the person he could promise love to. (And there he stood before you that moment, the boy whose promises you found yourself believing in no matter what.)

So maybe that’s why it was even easier for him to fall out of love. When he told you he was no longer in love with you, it didn’t matter to you to ask when exactly, at which place, or for what reason. Even the universe itself is meant to fizzle out one day along with the death of the stars. Just one more person drifting away from you like a lone planet with no real orbit shouldn’t leave you broken. You are used to this. You won’t fall apart.

But you break anyway.

It was snowing outside when he decided to tell you to end things now before it hurts both of you even further. Not that the snow has anything to do with the coldness creeping up your chest threatening to spill out of you in endless sobs. You were glad, though. That at the very least, he remained honest with his feelings. He never left you guessing. Every time, he never forgets to tell you what’s on his mind. His honesty is something he thought was necessary.

“I understand, don’t worry. Thank you for telling me right away. I know you’re also considering me–” you tell him and choke up. There are tears running down your face but you’re not worried about that. Wakatoshi never let you mask your emotions around him. For the longest time, he reminded you to feel free to be completely bare with him. All the good and the bad, he said. Don’t be afraid to show them to me. I will always understand.

He steps closer and puts you between his arms. You feel his chin on top of your head as you lean your face into his chest. You’re sobbing now. “I’ll be fine, Toshi. We’ll be fine.”

He kisses the top of your head and lets you stay in his arms for minutes. “I loved you then, and I love you still. It’s just that they’re no longer the same kind. I will stay if you ask me to, okay? Anything you want.”

This only makes you cry harder. He’s always been too good. And even in breaking your heart, he’s too good. You want him to hold on. You want to ask him to stay with you for years and years. Even with a different kind of love, you’ll let him be as long he’s close by. But someone like him who has dreams beyond yourself shouldn’t ever be with someone like you who still lacks certainty toward anything.

“Just for tonight,” you ask, still crying. “Can I stay?”

“of course,” he replies. Anytime you want. Anything you want. It has always been this way.

Because humans are creatures of routines and familiarity, you spend that night the way you usually do when you’re at his place. You cook dinner with him and eat on the dining table, sharing stories and laughter. You keep adding food to his plate and he smiles as you giggle at everything you find funny.

It’s okay, it’s okay. You’ll be okay. You’ll be fine.

You clean the kitchen and stay in the living room. He leans on the couch as you lay down with your head on his lap. You keep talking and laughing. He goes along, sometimes adding things to make you laugh even more, sometimes simply agreeing, sometimes asking questions. You keep it loud and light, afraid of the silence. Inside you, it’s so heavy, your heart might just fall off. This will be the last, you tell yourself. You want to be happy for now. While he’s still here.

"Do me a favor, okay?" You tell him as you're nearing slumber. "Let me leave first tomorrow. Maybe stay in bed, maybe pretend you're asleep. But tomorrow, don't get out of the room until I've left the house." Your voice shakes, feeling yourself wanting to sob.

"I don't want to wake up to another empty bed but I don't want to see your face when I wake up too," you curl into him even further. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I still don't really know what to do. And I know you wake up pretty early and you know, do stuff, but just for tomorrow, please?"

Wakatoshi didn't really understand why. He originally planned on cooking breakfast for you and taking you to the train station. He would watch you board the train and he'd make sure to smile at you as he waves. You always waved back. That's how it works. Even after fights, and even after especially bad nights, you'd still do the same. Watching you leave with a smile was how you both knew you'd still be fine the days after. That nothing much can affect your relationship. For years, this has been the routine.

But tomorrow, he knows he has to give way. He knows what he said hurt you. It would be wrong of him to do what he wants simply because he's used to.

Tomorrow's the last, he realises. And then if you want, he'd never see you again.

--

You wake up pretty early. The sky is a calm shade of blue, the world outside still waking up. You check the time on your phone and find it's 6 AM. Last night, you slept with your back on him. The sight before you is the other end of his bedroom and you notice just how much of yourself you've managed to leave around his place. Pieces of just one other person in his life, scattered in places around his world pretending that’s just where they belong. You didn't mind leaving things behind back then. You never really thought of the day that you might’ve to take back all of them. Just how does one pick up parts of themselves when they thought they’ve finally found a place for them to stay?

But as you stand up, you conclude that when things end, traces shouldn’t be left behind. He didn’t decide to break up only to be reminded of you even after you’re no longer close to him. So you go and pick every little thing that's yours. Even your jacket and sweaters and a few pairs pyjamas in his closet. You'll just take his things from your place too and hand it to Tendou's shop. Coming back here won’t do you any good. Him coming to your place instead wouldn’t either.

Collecting all your things, even the ones you can't use anymore, you leave the bedroom and enter the living room. You don't have many belongings here aside from some DVDs and books. You only take the books and leave the rest for him. You've always preferred reading anyway.

Setting your bag and things aside on the sofa, you go ahead and wash yourself in the bathroom and bring your toothbrush and some other products with you when you're done. You then head to the kitchen to cook him something light to eat for breakfast . You knew you didn't have to. He knows how to cook. It has always been him cooking breakfast for you. When you could, you’d rather stay in bed until the very moment you must start preparing to go to uni or work. But you did anyway. He's probably in his bed, awake. He has never been a heavy sleeper. With all the moving you did around his room, he was bound to wake up if he wasn't already.

You make him a simple omelette and write a small message on top of it with ketchup. "Good luck with practice today!"

You've already cleaned everything you used, preferring to wash and set utensils as soon as you're done with them. That way, when you're sitting down to eat, there won't be any cluster around to distract you.

You put the ketchup down and decide that should be enough. You'll stop here. You should go now.

Ushijima is sitting on his bed. He's been awake since 5 AM when he usually goes on his run. It isn't the first time he chose to stay with you instead of going out, but he can't help but feel heavy this time. He stayed in for you. But as the minutes pass by, it seems that he simply cannot find the courage to sit up and face you.

He wants to sink into his bed.

There's knock on the door followed by sentences uttered softly. "Toshi, I'm going now. There's breakfast on the table. Make sure to eat before you go."

There goes the heavy feeling again. Maybe if this keeps up, he might just actually sink and never get back up.

You've done that a few times. Leaving while he's still in the room. You don't even open the door. You simply knock and tell him you're about to go, always reminding him to eat before he goes too.

But this will be the last, he thinks. If you leave now, will he never see you again?

a/n

chapter 2 will be up soon not rly sure when tho. (it's up now the link is at the top)

also, im not entirely sure but i think i didnt use any pronouns or gendered nouns for this except "girl" in the 1st paragraph which i erased just now? if i'm right, then i hope everyone reading this get to feel as though theyre rly the person in the story. unless ofc u dont want that bc this isnt the happiest ushitoshi x reader fic u can find🥲. but thanks for reading!!!! m so sorry for typos nd other errors as well. i kinda cant read my own writings bc sometimes doing so makes me wanna smack myself in the head and never write again nd i hate that so now im leaving my mistakes to the gods nd hope they love me enough or smth. but yes thank u sm again for reading!!!!

[anarmorofwords]

here's my playlist for Alastair too

it overlaps with Artie's (check it out!) to some extent so I'm not gonna talk about the lyrics/songs they included

(some lyrics that are particularly Alastair™ below the cut)

I'll be good - My past has tasted bitter for years now// so I weild an iron fist// grace is just weakness// or so I've been told// i've been cold, I've been merciless

another love - and I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright// i'm just so tired to share my nights// i wanna cry and I wanna love// but all my tears have been used up

demons - when your dreams all fail and the ones we hail// are the worst of all, and the blood's run stale// I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you// When you feel my heat, look into my eyes// it's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide// don't get too close; it's dark inside

you don't even know me - I walk into a crowded room// everybody staring// what did I, what did I do wrong?// (...) oh, you see what you wanna see// but you don't even know me// (...) You don't know a thing at all// you don't know about the way I am when I am all alone// You don't know about the way I love so deeply to my bones

flares - did you find it hard to breathe?// did you cry so much that you could barely see?// you're in the darkness all alone// nd no one cares, there's no one there (...) did you break but never mend?// did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?// lose your heart but don't know when // and no one cares, there's no one there

requiem - Why should I play this game of pretend?// remembering through a secondhand sorrow? (...) Why should I play the grieving girl and lie// aying that I miss you// and that my world has gone dark without your light?// I will sing no requiem tonight

the village - feel the rumors follow you// from Monday all the way to Friday dinner (...) There's something wrong in the village// in the village, oh// they stare in the village// in the village, oh

heirloom - You try your hardest to leave the past alone// this crooked posture is all you've ever known (...) A million choices, though little on their own become the heirloom of the heaviness you've known // you are so much more than your father's son

broken - that you don't have to hurt, you don't have to hurt anymore?// you are broken on the floor// and you're crying, crying// he has done this all before// but you're lying, lying (...) will you leave or will you carry on? // is your love from before still strong?

in dreams - oh it's a big old place for me, yeah it's a big old world indeed// eeryone is killing me and everything conspires (...) Oh in dreams I have lain in sin// just to be the cracked and the cared for// how can I ask, ask for more?

bird set free - clipped wings, I was a broken thing// had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing (...) But there's a scream inside that we all try to hide// we hold on so tight, we cannot deny// eats us alive, oh it eats us alive, oh (...) I'll shout it out like a bird set free

fix it to break it - I've been pulling you close, but pushing me further/ i've been holding it back, that I see you different// sick of me remindin' you to love me like you say you do (...) and I've been hurting myself to keep you from leaving// i've been wonderin' whether we'll last the season// wish we could've made this work// but now I know that I need more// I wish that I was a priority

i didn't plan it - go ahead// throw your rocks at me// from your little glass house// and then take off running// you're no better than me (...) I didn't plan it// but the light turned red, and I ran it// and I'm still standing

she used to be mine - It's not simple to say// most days I don't recognize me (...) She's imperfect but she tries// she is good but she lies// she is hard on herself// she is broken and won't ask for help (...) Who be reckless just enough// who can hurt but// who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised// and gets used by a man who can't love

feel something - Need to know that this love is real// just make me feel something// Start to feel desperate when I’m with you// leaving’s the last thing I wanna do

how it all works out - Goodbye always starts with hello// that's why I don't trust anyone that walks through the door (...) Hello always ends with goodbye// how would I know this time's not different if I don't even try?// yeah, make believe is fun sometimes// so i'll just keep pretending this will end on a good note// but it's not a good note, it's never a good note// but I'll keep my eyes closed

survivor - You thought I couldn't last without you// but I'm lastin'// you thought that I would die without you// but I'm livin'// I'm a survivor// im not gon' give up

boyfriend -young heart, oh what a waste// especially for such a pretty face, now// I don't wanna be your boyfriend// when you need a little company// i don't wanna be your boyfriend, no// when there's not another phone to ring

guilty - Oh I'm a guilty one// and know what I have done// yeah, I'm a troubled one// and I won't be forgiven// I was just a kid// that you could not forgive// because it's harder

weight of the world - my mind's such a mess// I can't handle it// i'm at the end of my rope// i'm so sick of this (...) I don't like, like myself very much// despite all your kind words (...) these thoughts won't rest// ican't forgive// I overthink until I'm sick

human - I can hold my breath// I can bite my tongue// i can stay awake for days// if that's what you want// be your number one (...) And I crash and I break down/// your words in my head, knives in my heart// you build me up and then I fall apart// 'cause I'm only human

[alarajrogers]

Tumblr doesn't seem to understand how weird its population is.

This is the social media site for queer and neurodivergent people. It never advertised itself as such, but, well, here it is. People here are more left-leaning, more likely to be some variety of queer, some variety of ND, and more likely to be participatory fans of media (like, fan artists, as opposed to people who just watch the stuff) than on damn near any other site. It probably has fewer cis men than any other site. It is not representative of the Internet, let alone the world.

Autistic people are more likely to have a social presence on the Internet because it is easier for us to interact with people in mostly textual format than in real time in person, where we have to read other people's body language and correctly produce our own. So on the Internet in general, you're gonna see more autistic people proportionately; the allistics are more likely to have active RL social lives.

So now Tumblr, the site with maybe the strongest or at least second strongest autistic population of all social media sites (reddit might be the strongest, though I feel like you're much more likely to be talking about your autism and how it affects you on Tumblr), when autistic people were already over-represented on social media in the first place, has people who think that autism has been de-stigmatized.

No. It has not.

I'd tell you to get off your computer and interact with some real people, but I can't do that because I have no social life, so why would you be able to? Instead I want you to consider the math. A place where a very high proportion of the population is both autistic, and radicalized about being autistic -- keenly aware of how society treats them for being autistic, sharing stories about how annoying NT people are, looking at the world through the lens of "and this is anti-autistic ableist bullshit, and so is this, and so is this other thing".

How could we be anything other than a place where autism is destigmatized?

But how could that possibly relate to the rest of the world and how it behaves?

I mean, you get a group of people together who have something in common, and in the real world that something is looked down on, so they have reason to look to each other for validation... you can get what looks like destigmatization of anything. Incel groups probably destigmatize rape. If you've seen or read Neil Gaiman's Sandman, the behavior of the serial killers at the convention? The only reason that doesn't happen in real life is that it's too hard for serial killers to safely find each other. A lot of what's going on that's bad in society today is because a lot of racists got together, realized they were all racist, and backed each other up in destigmatizing racism within their ranks.

Autism has no stigma on Tumblr and we joke about taking extra vaccines to get extra autistic because it's stigmatized in real life. Gay people joke about how they cannot possibly gay any harder than they are gaying because they are looked down on in real life for being gay.

Tbh I'm not convinced anxiety and depression are fully destigmatized either, though we're no longer in the place we were when Tipper Gore had to actively hide her depression to avoid tanking her husband's political career. But there are companies out there that make all of their money by convincing parents and schools to let them abuse little autistic kids to teach them how to pretend to be normal and make them pretend it all the time. Don't talk about autism being destigmatized in real life as long as ABA is legal.

Don’t tell me any of u guys actually think autism is a “destigmatized disorder”