#when that SNL sketch becomes real life

[slowsweetlove]

Go on the Vanity Fair website to see the video of Austin making the damn paper 🌹🌹🌹🌹.

[wardenparker]

The Date

Marcus Moreno x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

Inspired by the already beloved Teacher Ben sketch from Pedro’s SNL appearance, this fic is dedicated to every single reader with a HUGE hug and a kiss straight from me to you. Just over about two weeks ago I passed the 2k follower mark and I am so incredibly humbled by everyone’s love and encouragement. Writing makes me happier than almost anything else in the world and I am blown away by the sheer number of you who stop by my little corner of the tumblrsphere to read the words that I produce along with my beloved @absurdthirst​. There is absolutely no end to our collaborations in sight and I am thrilled to keep rolling out fun stories week after week 🧡

Rating: Explicit! 18+  Word Count: 19.9k Warnings: Age gap (reader is an adult student of unspecified age), mentions of deceased spouse, awkward flirting, reader is bad with social cues, Marcus on a Motorcycle, using superpowers for foreplay, begging, fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, rough sex (superhero stamina).  Summary: After spending the semester becoming friends with your criminal justice professor, retired Heroic Marcus Moreno, it appears that your crush isn’t so unrequited after all. Notes: I was very sleepy doing this edit, so I’m sorry if I missed some things.

Sometimes you really do sit through classes waiting for a cartoonish sounding bell to ring and it’s just too bad. The general education classes that you have to take really aren’t your cup of tea, even though you know you need them for your degree and really should be paying attention. But you’re not going to need chemistry when you restart your career as a high school English teacher. Nor are you going to need the complex algebra and trigonometry that stumped you the first time you went to college. And you’re probably not going to need to understand the intricacies of the criminal justice system either - but this class was a little gift to yourself. 

The hottest professor you could have ever dreamt of in a three-times-a-week lecture that frequently includes anecdotes from his legendary career as the leader of the Heroics. Since the first day of this class it’s been like a real life version of the Indiana Jones scene where undergrads have love notes written on their eyelids and leave him gifts and notes hoping for a smidgen of extra attention, and you can’t really blame them. The thing is, the poor kids don’t stand a chance. He has a daughter nearly their age and couldn’t ever shake the feeling of how young they are. Or at least that’s what he told you the first time you sat together in the student union to eating lunch together after class. Marcus is sweet. He’s charming and maybe a little insecure socially, but when he stands up in front of the class he commands attention at the drop of a hat. He’s incredibly smart - genius, even - and he doesn’t make friends easily. That’s what he told you the fourth time you had lunch together in the student union after his class was over. Which is why you’ve kept your own crush a very tightly wrapped secret for the entire semester. You’re friends now, or at least very good acquaintances, and you wouldn’t jeopardize that for the world.

But next week is the final, and once that’s over you’ll have no excuse to sit and talk about your favourite books or how crazy his daughter is driving him now that she’s fifteen and learning to drive. Last week Missy had used the word girlfriend to refer to a girl in her friend group for the very first time and Marcus had nearly hyperventilated telling you about it. You’re friends. Loose ones, at least. And if you don’t screw up your courage and say something by next week, it might all go away. And you think you might regret that even more than not graduating college The first time you went, many years ago.

Marcus sighs as he flips the tie over his hand and pulls the knot through. Glancing at his reflection in the mirror as he does. Why he still wears a tie, he hasn’t quite worked out, but it’s a part of his routine and made him feel a bit more like the uniform he had worn for most of his life. If you called black jeans, a tac vest and double swords a uniform. Pushing the knot up to tighten it, he glances at the clock on his nightstand and curses. “Shit.” He had promised to grab you a coffee on the way into class and he doesn’t want to fuck that up. “Get moving, Moreno.”

The city buses are remarkably punctual today, getting you to campus twenty minutes before class instead of leaving you scrambling with just a few minutes to spare, and you take your time walking to the history building where his class is held. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you get to see Professor Moreno today. It’s going to be a good day. Whether it’s a brave day is still up for debate.

Marcus has a habit of frowning as he thinks. Shuffling papers on his desk as he mentally files through the itinerary for the day as he sips on the coffee he had gotten for himself. The other one on his desk was the triple shot, two pumps vanilla, one pump one chocolate, one pump raspberry latte that you had sworn was your favorite drink at the coffee shop he always stopped by. The fact that he ordered the same thing for himself to try was not going to be mentioned, but it was good.

“Morning.” Being a commuter is a boon today. There are no other students in the classroom when you open the door, and the man you only call Marcus in private is already sitting at his desk pouring over papers. The soft green tie matches the color in his plaid shirt and you smile reflexively. He’s so stunningly handsome, especially like this.

“Morning.” Immediately, Marcus looks up from his notes, standing up right after that as if he’s been caught doing something wrong. Being a fucking idiot is what he’s being, but at least he resists rolling his eyes at himself. “I see you’re early. Wanting that coffee Huh?” He asks, grinning slightly as he pushes the extra cup towards you.

“The bus was on time today.” The way he always seems to get flustered when he’s interrupted is adorable and you bite your lip to hold back a grin. “You really didn’t have to get my drink for me…but I appreciate it.” Your friendship has been built over a semester of these small gestures, and to say you didn’t love them would be an absolute lie.

“Caffeine is medically necessary.” Marcus jokes, picking up his own cup and taking another sip. It really is good, and he’s surprised by that considering he normally just drinks coffee black.

“It’s true.” Stepping further into the room, you pull one of the chairs away from the long tables that serve as desks and set it beside his desk at the front of the room to sit with him for a few minutes. “So…” The grin you flash him is teasing, but you are probably only going to get a few more times like this with him so you want to make the most of them. “How’s Missy and her girlfriend?”

Marcus shakes his head and winces. “I’m not okay with her dating.” He huffs, nearly pouting at the idea. “She was born like six months ago.”

“I just think it’s incredible that she came out to you so easily.” According to Marcus, he had come home from a day of teaching about a year ago to find Missy icing cupcakes with rainbow frosting as her own way of breaching the topic. It had been an immensely emotional night for them both. “Teenagers get rebellious over practically everything. It’s fantastic that she trusts you enough to tell you who she is and to tell you about this girl.”

“She knows I’m not going to change the way I look at her.” Marcus shrugs like it’s not a big deal. “She’s my little girl, and if I’m honest, there were signs since she was little.”

“That’s my point though.” You reason, picking up your coffee and humming at the taste. “She knows you love her no matter what. If I had come out to my parents at that age? I would have been lucky not to end up in therapy.”

“Oh, yeah, no, nothing like that at all.” It’s funny how swiftly the little arrow of intrigue or hope quickly pierced his heart. The small crush he had developed on you over the course of the class - despite the impropriety if it - crashing down. “I’m sorry you didn’t have supportive parents like that.”

“It’s fine now.” The way his face changes makes you want to scramble to recover, unsure of what you could possibly have said to upset him when you meant to pay him a compliment. “Being bisexual wasn’t even on their radar back then. They had no idea the word even existed let alone that it applied to their little girl.” You shrug, afraid you’ve offended him by accident. “I might as well have told them I was a Martian.”

Bisexual. While Marcus doesn’t sag in relief of the clarification, the angsty guilt over inappropriate thoughts of someone who would not be interested in a man ease. “It worked for Clark Kent, right? Though he was Krytonian.” He says, sending you a small smile. “No weirder than ‘hey mom, I can manipulate metal’. Right?”

“Honestly I think that would have been easier for her.” When you shrug again, you bury your face behind your coffee cup and studiously command yourself not to get too dreamy over that smile of his. “I just…you’re doing a great job. That’s all. Don’t downplay the fact that your teenage daughter is comfortable and confident in telling you who she is.”

“I never want her to feel like she can’t come to me for anything. Even if it was a boy and…birth control.” Marcus isn’t dumb, he knows what teenagers do, he was one of them once. Despite his Heroic future, hormones did drive a lot of his actions when he was around her age.

That earns him another small laugh from you, and you lean back in your chair. “Well I say points to this girl. If Missy’s anything like her dad then she’s amazing. And that means this girl is lucky as hell.”

He shuffles slightly, trying not to take the compliment for more than what it is. Reassurance. He lifts his coffee cup to his lips again to hide the grin he can’t quite suppress. “Thanks.” He murmurs. “Although it’s been a long time for me.”

“Oh?” It’s not as though you had dug through any of the gossip about him. That would have been disrespectful. But he was a well known celebrity when his wife passed away a few years ago and he had only stopped wearing his ring recently, by the band of untanned skin on his left finger. You had never pried for information, but you’re definitely curious.

He gives a small shrug of his shoulders. The pain of losing his late wife is still there, it always will be, but it’s not as devastating as it had been in the beginning. He would always love her, but he’s still living and she’s gone. “Not since Emily.” He confirms quietly. “Avoided the entire ‘widower pity sex’ that was surprisingly being pushed on me a lot more than I ever imagined.”

“I’m sorry things were pushed on you.” It’s not necessarily for you to apologize, but you can certainly express sympathy. “Being ready to put yourselves out there isn’t something you can rush. It takes time to heal.” Which is part of why you’ve kept your feelings deeply, deeply under wraps.

“A lot of it was because I needed time to heal, I didn’t want to change Missy’s life more than it already had been, and we were navigating our grief together.” Marcus had talked about a lot of this with his therapist, but it’s nice to have someone like you he can also talk to. “Plus, I was leaving the Heroics and starting to teach.”

“Your whole life changed.” You nod slightly, head bobbing with the motion. “When it changes again should be up to you and no one else.”

“Might be time.” Marcus admits, trying not to show how much that terrifies him. “Spend more time at home alone than I do with Missy. It’s…highlighted how reclusive I’ve become.”

"Might be?" You honestly would be embarrassed if he could hear how hard that makes your heart beat. It's not like he's talking about you, but you can't help the way it makes you feel.

“I’ve….thought about dating again.” He looks around the classroom for a moment before he finally looks at you again. “Think it’s a dumb idea?” He asks softly, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. His hands are starting to dampen and he quickly slides them against his darker pants.

"Why would that be dumb?" It's baffling that he would even ask that, since he's easily the most attractive man you've ever seen in real life and an absolute angel of a human. "You deserve to be happy. Whatever that means for you. If dating against would make you happy, then..." Then you will dutifully sit and listen to him gush about whoever the luckiest woman in the world is, if he wants to stay friends. "Then whoever you choose will be incredibly lucky."

That buoys his confidence and he nods before he looks back down at his papers. “So-“

“Hey Professor Moreno!” His head snaps up to see one of the other students from your class practically bounce through the door, filled with nervous, flirty energy. He’s well aware that the girl had a crush on him and while he was flattered, she was vastly too young for him.

“Monica.” He greets her, making her beam as she slides over towards his desk. His eyes meet yours and he swears that he sees disappointment at being interrupted swimming in your orbs.

Right before the door opened you could have sworn he was going to say something to you - maybe even something sweet or flirtatious if your wildest dreams ever came true. But Monica is...determined...and she is right about to stare you down. "I should let you focus," you murmur, standing up with your coffee in one hand and your other on the back of your chair.

“You’re okay.” Marcus insists, actually more comfortable with you here rather than talking to Monica by herself. It was bad enough when she showed up for office hours. “What do you need?” He asks her, shifting into a more professional demeanor than he had with you.

"I was hoping to speak to you privately." Monica casts you a derisive glance and shifts her weight between her feet. "That's why I came early."

“Is it…about the coursework?” Marcus asks carefully. He doesn’t like the social aspect that some of the younger students try to draw him into.

"It is regarding senior week." Smoothing one hand down her front, Monica squares her shoulders and fairly glares at you. "I didn't think it would be appropriate to rub it in my classmate's face that she isn't graduating yet."

“It's fine." Even though you have no idea what you did to make Monica dislike you, you're not about to cause a fuss on the second-to-last day you might get to see Marcus. There's no room in your schedule next year to take one of his other classes and taking more criminal justice classes doesn't make any sense with your major anyway. You step back, taking your chair with you, to go put your books down at the table a few feet away.

“What can I help you with?” Marcus crosses his arms over his chest and frowns slightly. He doesn’t understand the animosity that seemingly rolls off of the younger girl towards you. It doesn’t make sense.

"As you know." Monica perks up immediately, feeling victorious at your retreat and Professor Moreno's attention being squarely on her. "Senior week always includes guests of honour from the staff and faculty." What she hopes he doesn't know is that the staff and faculty guests have already been chosen for the dinner dance. Otherwise her cover will be blown. "It would be very exciting if you would agree to come to the senior week dinner dance as a special guest." As her special guest, specifically, but Monica doesn't word it like that.

“Oh.” Marcus shuffles slightly and rocks on his heels as he looks around the classroom as he thinks about how to let this girl down. “While I am flattered…I am not able to attend.” He explains. “I am due to take my daughter to her grandparents across the state that night.”

"And it would be impossible to bring her earlier?" With a lack of understanding and empathy so obviously on display, Monica all but pouts. "It will be such a special night."

“I’m sure it will be.” Marcus frowns and his tone turns slightly frosty. “But my daughter will be getting out of school and wanting to see her mother’s parents.”

The young woman huffs, immaturity fully on display, and puts her hand on her hip like she's about to transform into a version of herself twenty years in the future that would be demanding to see his manager. "Whatever," she scoffs. "You have no idea what you'll be missing."

Marcus rocks his jaw, instantly transforming into the leader of the Heroics when he had dealt with the most stubborn of the other superhero’s. “Miss Anderson, I suggest you take your seat unless you wish to be dropped from the class.” He manages tightly. “Which will affect your own graduation date.”

The hmmphf from her is as pronounced as the pouty frown on her face, but Monica spins around, throwing you a dirty look in the process as she storms across the classroom to sit down and probably not pay much attention during this last study session Marcus will be leading.

Sighing softly, Marcus look down at the papers in front of him. Why couldn't someone just accept that a man who was old enough to be her father wasn't interested gracefully? He doesn't understand it.

His mood seems sour for the entire study session, and it’s not that you can’t understand why. Monica and the undergrad girls didn’t know how to take no for an answer, apparently. You do - at least you expect it - so you’ve just never asked the question. By the end of class you have to assume that his nerves are frayed and he won’t have the presence of mind for your usual lunch together, so you just start to pack up.

Once the class is over, Marcus looks over at you. Frowning slightly when he sees you move towards the door, he calls your name quickly. Unsure if you've changed your mind about walking to lunch together or if something has come up.

The last group of your classmates blows past you when you freeze three feet from the doorway and turn back. “I didn’t know if you’d be up to lunch,” you admit, feeling a little sheepish about it. “You seem preoccupied. I didn’t want to presume.”

"No, uh, I'm sorry." He deflates slightly and sighs. "I just- Monica." He gestures toward the door as if that explains it. "I don't understand. I'm too old for her."

“It’s a fantasy.” The way you shrug your shoulders is completely tense, like you have no intention whatsoever in admitting that you’ve had those same fantasies about him yourself. “They don’t see the reality of it. Only the glossy story they’ll tell their friends.”

"I guess." He won't deny that he had crushes on teachers and professors when he was younger, but he had never been so bold to think they would want him. "I just- I guess I think too much like a dad." He huffs at himself. "She's not that much older than Missy."

"I think that's thinking like a dad just the right amount." The door shuts behind the rest of your class and you shove your hands in your pockets with your bag high on your shoulder. "What did she...ask you? If you don't mind me asking?"

“She wanted me to go to the dinner dance as a special guest.” He picks up his own bag and tosses it on his shoulders. “Didn’t take the very polite ‘no’ very well.” He snorts. “She actually asked me if I could drop my daughter off at her grandparents another day.”

"That's...awkward." When you reach for the door handle this time it's to open it for him rather than to beat a hasty exit, and you follow him out the door. "And honestly, a little disrespectful."

“She doesn’t have to know that her grandparents live two hours away.” Marcus grins slyly, and shrugs.

"She shouldn't have been rude." The walk down the corridor is fairly quiet since the next class period has already started in this building, and you walk side-by-side with your professor one more time. "It was nice of you to try to let her down easy, even if she didn't let you, ultimately."

“I get having feelings you shouldn’t.” Marcus risks looking over at you for a second before he looks back down at the path in front of you. “For people you shouldn’t.”

“How so?” If you had seen him glance at you then you might have had some idea of what he meant, but you were busy trying not to trip over the obvious coffee spill left by a previous student.

Marcus sighs, shoving his hands in his pockets as he ignores the looks from the students as the two of you walk through the campus. He doesn’t see a lot of the adoration that seems to be thrown his way. “She’s…it’s not like a younger student or anything. Not like Monica.”

“Oh? Oh! You’ve been—?” You can’t help the way your whole face falls, registering that apparently he’s been seeing another student and you didn’t ever know. As fast as your silly schoolgirl crush has grown over the course of the semester, you can feel it being stamped out with every new step you take down the corridor together. “Well, she’s…she’s very lucky…” You choke out, shoving your hands into your pockets with determination.

“No! No, I haven’t - I can’t, it’s not—” Marcus groans. “She’s my student, I haven’t thought it was…appropriate to ask her out.” He rolls his eyes at himself, wondering where were those fucking balls of steel he had to have when saving the world when he needs them now. “I- it would have been wrong, right? But I have been thinking about it.”

“I mean…I guess it depends?” Even though it crushes your heart more than a little to debate this with him, he’s your friend and…and ultimately you want him to be happy. And some people might argue that that is a blaring siren for having feelings, but that’s a moot point now. “It’s the end of the semester, so…theoretically I guess it would depend on the relationship you have with this girl outside of…ya know…the classroom.”

"I think we're pretty good." Marcus inhales softly. "We've spent some time together, a lot less than I'd like, but I guess I don't know what she thinks about it."

“Then you should probably ask her.” And tonight, when you go home to pour yourself a glass of wine for studying, you’ll use your really big wine glass to mourn the passing of the chance you never got. “You can’t know unless you ask.”

"Yeah....." Fundamentally, Marcus knows that. And it's not like you are giving much away with your answers so he can't even use that to judge how you would react. "I need to, but I'm also worried about it changing things for the worse."

“I can’t see anyone turning you down,” you admit, feeling your voice drop a little and your shoulders slump. If you were brave enough to take your own advice, then you wouldn’t be walking at his side listening to him theorize about asking out another woman.

“So…..how do you feel about driving up the coast?” Marcus ventures softly. “Thought we could take a little ride, find a nice roadside spot to eat? Look out over the water.”

It takes you a long moment to register what he’s saying, but when you finally do, your head ticks up and you freeze in your steps, doing your best not to stare while you try to remember how to speak. “Wait, I— me?” You ask, so bewildered that your voice jumps and you’re pointing at your own chest. “You meant me?”

“Shit, I knew this was going to happen. You don’t- it’s okay.” Marcus quickly reassures you. “You don’t have to, I - it won’t affect your grade, they are done anyway. I- just forget I said anything, okay?”

“No! N-no, I meant— I didn’t realize you liked me, too.” And if you could bury your head in the ground in embarrassment right now, you absolutely would. “Please, you don’t…don’t take it back? I’d love to go.”

“Are you sure?” Both you and Marcus have stopped walking and he turns towards you. “I don’t- you don’t have to, I just- I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and….” He blows out a huff of laughter. “I’d like to get to know you more now that you aren’t my student.”

“I’m really sure.” If it were possible to show him exactly how much without seeming overeager - or worse, desperate - you absolutely would, but right now you’re just smiling so hard you feel like your face might split. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you too, and I…” Flustered, you end up laughing at the way the two of you stammer out insistences and reassurances, and you just nod. “Why don’t we say next weekend? Final will be over and I’ll officially no longer be your student in any way.”

“Missy will be with her grandparents.” Marcus nods. “And I’ll officially not be your professor. So there’s nothing improper about it anymore.”

“I don’t even think you’re capable of being improper.” The little tease makes you grin, knowing that you might have said it before but now it’s flirting.

Marcus flushes slightly, aware that some of his thoughts were far from proper. “You’d be surprised.” He huffs, both of you starting to walk towards the food court again.

“Oh yeah?” It seems so improbable, and you laugh softly while you walk. “Are you telling me the world’s most wholesome retired superhero has a rebellious side?”

Marcus snorts, “well, Emily was about three months pregnant with Missy when we got married…” He offers in way of proof. “And despite my mama’s objections, I still have my motorcycle.”

“So you’re telling me that you’re the one who has been Clark Kent-ing this whole time?” You raise an intrigued eyebrow at him as you walk, but keep your hand stuffed firmly in your pocket so you don’t do something stupid like reach for him out of excitement. “The real Marcus is wandering hands and engine grease?” Oh god…both versions sound amazing…

Marcus smirks at the comparison and there might be a slight air of cockiness to his shrug. “There’s a difference between the public image and the private man, let’s just say that.” He offers. This is why he’s enjoyed your company, he loves being able to talk to you. No expeditions, no judgment. It’s vastly different from a lot of his other interactions with people and he loves it.

"Color me intrigued." And honestly a little turned on, but you'll keep that to yourself for now. The dining hall is just up ahead and it's just beginning to be busy, as people like you and Marcus who are filing out of your midmorning classes are lured in by the smell of lunch.

“Is that a good intrigued or have 9-1-1 on speed dial intrigued?” Marcus jokes, lunging forward to open the door for you when you both get close enough.

You knew he would get the door. He always does. In fact, he glared at you when you had tried to do it yourself a few weeks ago - as though you should certainly know better by now. “I don’t know,” you admit with a shrug. “I’ve never been on a motorcycle before. It could be fun. Or it might be terrifying.”

“Wellllllll, that was kinda the plan, if you want.” Marcus admits, a slightly boyish grin on his face. “Have you wrap your arms around me and hang on while we ride.”

“No dress. Got it.” Wrap your arms around him and hang on? Apparently when this man flirts he has the ability to make you weak in the knees and nearly pout with just a few sentences. “I have a very definite feeling that I’m going to like motorcycles.”

Marcus can’t help the slightly dirty way his grin turns. “Better than a washing machine.” He hums.

“Marcus!” The scandalized laugh that makes it out of you is practically giddy to see this side of him and you stick close to his side once you’re in the bustling main dining hall. “Maybe I do want to wear a dress, in that case.”

Marcus chuckles and looks over the options for the day and then at you. “What are you feeling today?” He asks. “They have that grilled chicken salad you like.”

“And they have gyro today,” you point up at the menu and offer him a shy smile, Realizing for the first time how much he’s really absorbed about you personally over the course of the semester. “Just try telling me that’s not your favorite. I dare you to lie.”

“Only because you start singing that song every time I sit down with it.” Marcus huffs, flushing slightly.

“‘Holding Out for a Gyro’ is the best parody song ever written.” You shrug your shoulders proudly. “Sorry, Weird Al. I win this one.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “And it’s funny every time I hear it.” He enjoyed the playful banter between the two of you. “If it’s aided by a delicious meal? That makes it even better.”

“Then I think we’ve got to do it.” He’s so relaxed now, and you wonder how many times when you were in line like this or sitting with coffee, did he feel the tension of attraction the same way you did? It’s a relief to know it wasn’t one sided after all. “For old time’s sake.”

“Absolutely.” Marcus shoots you a smirk, and nods towards your line. “Meet you at the table we normally have?” It’s not an assigned table, but the corner table is rarely occupied when you have lunch together.

"Absolutely." To have anything be both of yours sends a shiver of excitement through you and you try not to giggle or anything similarly giddy. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

Making his way over to the correct station, he can’t help but seek you out. Telling himself that it’s just because he wants to make sure you aren’t waiting for him for too long, he can’t help but grin when your eyes find him and you smile.

You tell yourself that the butterflies are because it’s new, and because new is exciting. It’s not because you’re expecting anything, or even know if the date will go well. But your instincts are good and your intuition is worth listening to - and that gut you’ve spent years cultivating is telling you that this could be the start of something amazing if you let it.

You get your salad before Marcus gets his own food, making him watch you as he walks towards the table where you are already settling in. “Do you need napkins?” You always forget them and it’s a little habit that he has developed to grab more.

“You know I do.” He’s attentive. It’s something you’ve grown to appreciate about him during the time you’ve been getting to know him. “Just like I know you didn’t grab a fork and you’re going to regret it when that wrap gets messy halfway through.” The Extra fork on your tray is ready and waiting just like the extra napkins on his.

“Look at us playing to each other’s weaknesses.” Marcus chuckles, knowing that he will be using the fork. He always does and yet every time he doesn’t get one when the utensils are next to the napkins.

“I like to think of it as paying attention.” You counter, moving things around your tray to get it set up just the way you like. “We’ve both found each other worth paying attention to.”

“At least you also paid attention in class.” Marcus snorts, opening up the cup of extra tzatziki sauce he always asks for, along with extra pickled red onions. “You have one of the top five grades. Seriously, you should pursue criminal justice.”

“It would be a hell of a gear change from teaching high school English.” The cup of vinaigrette that comes with your chicken salad is unceremoniously dumped into the container and you pop the lid back on to shake it up and get everything evenly coated. “I honestly took the class because I love mysteries so much. I thought taking something about fighting crime would be fun.” You hadn’t even known who was teaching it when you signed up. Finding out you had Marcus for a professor was a delightful surprise.

“I think it’s a good idea to have everyone take at least one class.” Marcus knows you know this. It was basically his opening speech to his class. “Knowing about our system is necessary.”

"I completely agree." The discussions about how neither of you understand the resistance to understanding how the country you live in works have happened a few times over the last few months, usually in regard to a classmate saying something ignorant or someone illustrating a cultural difference between the US and the culture they grew up in. Discussions could either feel like you were banging your head against a wall or you could learn something truly interesting.

“So..” Marcus looks over at you as he scrapes the rest of the sauce out onto his gyro. “Are you ready for the summer? Or are you taking more courses?” He knows you are working towards your degree while working, so he’s not sure how it looks for you.

"I have a second job lined up for the summer. I'll keep busy and pocket as much money as I can." Working through the busy summer tourist season has always treated you well, and the company you work with has no problem accommodating your class schedule or your other job. "I'm on track to graduate next year as long as I don't run into a problem with any of my senior classes, so I'll spend my summer working and trying to get ahead in my reading if any of my professors are willing to hand out their reading lists early." It was the first email you always sent to a professor - asking if they wouldn't mind sending a reading list to you ahead of the start of the semester - and usually it helped establish you as a serious student early on. Being a slow reader meant you had to be prepared.

“Let me know what classes you are taking and I’ll be able to tell you what most of them have set out.” Marcus offers. “It’s good to have a jump on things.” It’s not just an offer because you’re going out on a date with him. He would offer it to any serious student. Just many of them hadn’t wanted to go beyond the unsubtle flirting.

“I’m a slow reader.” You shrug, digging your fork into your salad. “Taking a lot of classes that require extensive reading. Especially next year.” The first bite of your lunch is bright and crisp and refreshing as always, and you just let yourself enjoy it for a minute while you chew. “What about you?” You ask, tilting your head at him. “Any big summer plans with Missy?”

“Missy’s going to be with her grandparents most of the summer.” Marcus admits, hating that he will miss her, but she needs to spend time with Emily’s family. He was always welcomed, but he wanted her to bond with them without having dad hanging around.

“Oh?” He looks like he’s not thrilled with the idea, but you know how much he loves his daughter and he’s probably just aware of how much he’ll miss her - something you can’t blame him for in the least. That does, however, leave your mind open to think about very specific things…like spending the night together without having to worry about preteen eyes or ears.

“Yeah. So I’m going to be doing a lot of reading by the pool.” Marcus predicts. “Retirement from the Heroics left a lot of downtime that I hadn’t expected when I went into teaching.”

“It sounds relaxing, at least.” Would you kill to see Marcus lounging lazily, sunbathing shirtless with a book and a beer on any random summer day? It sounds like a dream. “If you want a change of scenery, sometimes the country club I work at gives us guest passes on slow days. You could read by a different pool if you wanted to?”

“So you’re inviting me to sit by your pool…” Marcus grins. “How good are your piña coladas?”

“Marcus I’m a bartender.” You pretend to be scandalized but just end up giggling when you take a sip of your drink. “My piña coladas are flawless, thank you very much.”

“I guess I will have to try them for myself.” Marcus teases, sending you a small wink. “Have you serving me frozen beverages all summer?”

"In my extremely sexy polo shirt and khaki shorts." The snort he gets from you is pure amusement, but the way you're smiling is so very, very pleased. Having him actively flirt with you is turning into a happy little puddle. "You'd be the only one actually allowed to leer."

“I will keep all my leering respectful.” He promises playfully. “Although you might be embarrassed to have such an old man flirt with you in public, even if you are used to it all the time.”

"If you're hanging out at the club this summer, then I'm assuming it will be because we've decided to keep seeing each other." And that thought alone makes you nearly giddy. "In which case I will be proud to have you respectfully leering while I work."

Marcus hums and picks up his gyro. “Then we will have to see if we are as good outside of ‘just friendly’ as I think we will be.” He tells you before he takes his first bite and groans at the flavors.

"I guess we will." You grin at him, forking up another bite of your lunch, and barely keep yourself from outright giggling. Next week can't come fast enough.

******

The nerves that come with getting ready for a ‘first date’ for the first time in nearly twenty years catches Marcus off guard. Panicking in the shower as he wonders if he’s made the date too casual, too presumptuous. What if you hate motorcycles? Should he just have made reservations somewhere? He runs through every single scenario in his mind until he’s nearly jittery.

He has no way of knowing that you've been sitting giddily in your apartment - busying yourself here and there with cleaning or changing your outfit four times or staring at the first page of a new book for a half hour and only reading the same sentence over and over again because you're too excited to focus. As seven o'clock ticks closer and closer, there is just less and less chance of you concentrating on anything except thinking of Marcus.

The ride over to your apartment complex is easy and surprisingly quick. You don’t live too far away from him and the implications that spring from that have him reminding himself that it’s just the first date. Swinging his leg over the bike as he shuts it off, he smirks to himself as he looks back at the helmet he had strapped to the back for you to wear. It’s a gorgeous evening for a ride and the setting sun in a few hours would look amazing as you cruise along the coast.

You practically jump when the buzzer goes off, beating a hasty route from the bathroom mirror - where you were quadruple checking the claim that your new lipstick is transfer-proof - to the hall. “Hello?” Trying to sound carefree instead of out of breath, your voice pitches up one too many octaves when you press the button to answer.

“Hey.” Marcus grins at how breathless you sound, wondering if you are just as nervous as he is. “Can I come up, or do you want me to wait down here?” If you decide to just come down, that’s completely your choice and he won’t judge you either way.

"Come on up!" Having decided thirty seconds ago to change your shoes from flats to boots for the sake of the bike you hope he brought, you push the buzzer to let him in and scramble to your bedroom to grab your knee-high boots.

Marcus grins, opening the door and deciding to take the stairs rather than wait for the elevator since you are only on the second floor. Eager to see you and get the date started. The only reason there aren’t flowers in his hand, is because they wouldn’t survive the ride over but maybe the one flower he does have silk charm you.

The knock on your door comes barely two minutes later and you've barely zipped up your boots when you answer it. Marcus has always dressed up for his time on campus, but today he has a leather jacket thrown over his untucked green button-up and boots peeking out from under his jeans where he would normally wear Oxford. The difference is slight, but it's mouthwatering. "Hey." One little word, but it's all you can manage when you're grinning from ear to ear like a lunatic. "Come on in."

“Hey.” He wipes his hands on his pants, slightly nervous as he steps inside. It’s been a long time since he’s been on a date and he doesn’t want to fuck it up. “You look great. Like really good.” He compliments.

“So do you.” He’s so obviously nervous that it makes you smile, relaxing in the moment when you remember how long it’s been for him. Having you be equally nervous isn’t going to help him at all. “Let me just grab my purse and we can head out?”

“Sure.” Marcus clears his throat and reaches into the pocket of his riding jacket. “So flowers, fresh beautiful ones, are standard for a first date - but they wouldn’t have survived the ride over.” He offers as he pulls out the lone metal rose he had brought you. “So I hope you aren’t disappointed by this.”

“Marcus…” Twisted and pulled from glossy metal into the form of a single blooming rose, the bud is a gorgeous example of artistry all on its own. It speaks to care because it’s so delicate, and an eye for beauty, and you gasp softly when you accept it from his hands. “It’s stunning.”

“I made it.” Why did he just volunteer that? He huffs slightly at his fucking inability to act like a normal man for just one second. “It’s- yeah, I just wanted you to have a flower.”

“Just because you don’t wear a uniform anymore, that doesn’t change who you are as a person.” It’s part of why you like him so much, if you’re honest with yourself. His being a hero isn’t all about his powers. He is fundamentally a good man.

“That’s very true.” He likes the fact that you have a very practical mindset about it. Some wouldn’t and it just means you are even more special than he had anticipated.

Out on the sidewalk in front of your building, his bike is easy to spot. The lone motorcycle in a parking lot of practical and family vehicles, it practically screams to be noticed and you love it. “I was hoping you were serious about bringing it.”

“Good.” Marcus practically beams at giddiness in your eyes. “It’s been a while since I’ve had time to go for a ride and figured it would be the perfect evening for it.”

“Absolutely perfect.” You couldn’t agree more, happily taking the second helmet from the back of his bike when he hands it to you.

Once you are as safe as you can be, Marcus straddles the bike and pulls it off the standing peg. “Get on behind me and hang on as tight as you want.”

“Dangerous thing to say to the woman who’s had a crush on you for the better part of five months.” The gentle laugh as you carefully climb into the back of the bike and wrap your arms around him is mostly teasing - but only mostly. Because you’d been lusting after him on TV for a lot longer than that.

Marcus chuckles as he starts the bike with a loud roar. Maybe showing off just slightly. He has backed into the parking spot so he can just take off with the twist of his wrist and he grins at the bubble of giggling that bursts out behind him as your arms tighten instinctively.

It’s a quick zip from your building to the Pacific Coast Highway. No more than a few minutes in the residential area puts you out enjoying the Southern California’ coastal salt air instead of smog. Each turn he takes hits right in the pit of your stomach and brings another bubble of giggles from your throat and you just hope he can hear them over the roar of the engine. Even if the night was just this - just riding around with him as your anchor - you would completely love it.

Marcus doesn’t try to speed and break your neck as he coasts along the Highway. This is about the leisure of the trip. Enjoying the scenery and he can feel you gasp when he takes one hand off the handlebars to point out some whales breaching just off the rocky coast.

It’s silly. It’s silly to worry. You’re with one of the world’s only literal superheroes. Nothing is going to happen to you. But you still clutch him a little bit tighter whenever he lets go of the handlebars to point. The smile on his face is free and easy and he seems to love the gasps from your lips, so you don’t bother feeling embarrassed. If you were nervous it’s already melted away. Being with Marcus is easy.

He doesn’t know how long you cruise, maybe an hour, hour and a half before he throttle down slightly. “When you see somewhere you want to eat, let me know!” He turns his head back towards you and shouts it so you can hear.

A little further up the road, a brightly painted seafood shack with a cartoon lobster wearing a captain’s hat on its sign. “Right there!” You call through the engine and wind noise, barely letting go of him long enough to point. It looks unpretentious and like it hasn’t changed owners or gimmicks in decades. Perfect for your breezy, relaxed evening ride.

“Okay.” Marcus immediately slows down more, letting go of the handle bars again to give the signal for his turn as he guides the two of you into the parking lot.

You could swear you’re still vibrating when he cuts the engine and your feet are on solid ground again, but it’s not rattling or uncomfortable. It’s like a very tangible adrenaline buzz running all through your body and - yes, definitely shooting right between your legs.

“You okay?” Marcus asks as soon as he takes off his own helmet and sets it down on the back of the bike. It might not be cool to some to wear protection, but he’s got his daughter to think of. And despite his best efforts at trying to stay inconspicuous, sometimes he was photographed in public, not the example he wants to set for the younger generations.

“That was amazing.” The shit-eating grin on your face promises that you’re not lying, and you let him gently unbuckle your helmet to lift it away and set it with his as you stand up.

“Well, why don’t we have whatever tickles our fancy and then we can find a shaved ice place or ice cream stand?” He offers.

"Sounds pretty perfect." A dressed down night like this - something that's more about who you're with than what you're doing - is exactly the right kind of first date to you.

“Good.” His hand finds your back, up under your jacket by sheer coincidence as he moves you towards the small shack. “Maybe we can eat outside?” He offers.

"Why eat by the ocean if you can't see the water at the same time?" His hand is warm through the thin material of your dress and you unconsciously shift closer to him as you walk inside.

“My thoughts exactly.” Marcus grins. “Order a beer if you want, I’m going to have a soda since I’m the one driving.”

The place is simple - just a window with a huge menu board over it where you place your order and a counter a few yards down where you can pick up your filled order when your name is called. Tables inside are simple plastic with matching chairs, and outside there are picnic tables to extend the seating by another dozen or so tables. A plate of fish tacos and local beer sounds like the most Californian meal you've eaten in a long time, and perfect for tonight.

“God, everything smells so good.” He groans, practically drooling at the menu board. “Do you want to get a bunch of things and split them?” He asks.

"You're on." By the time you get up to the window to order you've picked out three or four things that sound amazing - not the least of which is the fish tacos which are marked on the menu as award winning. Your beer will be on the tray when it comes up but Marcus is given a cup for his soda and is pointed toward the drink fountain while you wait.

"What kind goes best with what we ordered?" He hums playfully as he surveys the soda options. There are a few but he's just playing around, seeing if you will point out your favorite. His theory is that you would take a sip of it if he picks that one. So you just aren't drinking beer.

“Hmmmm.” Pretending to think excruciatingly hard about it, you shrug your shoulders playfully and tap the Sprite logo currently staring you in the face. “It’s a palate cleanser,” you reason when he raises one eyebrow to ask for an explanation. “Bright, citrusy, sweet but not as heavy as Mountain Dew or root beer.” It’s also your favorite, but he doesn’t need to know that. Having a favorite soda is silly at your age.

"Good choice." Marcus actually agrees with your assessment and immediately starts adding ice so he can fill the cup with Sprite. "Kind of like having white wine with chicken or beer with chicken wings." He grins and winks at you as he fills the cup.

“The extremely low rent version of that,” you laugh though, leaning against the counter as he fills his cup. “But I like the low rent versions of things. Just because something is fussier doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better.”

"I always believe there are times to be fancy and then there are times to just be...happy." Marcus shrugs. "I figured that the first date should be easy and light, not stuffy in a fancy restaurant where we are bored to death and unable to find things to eat that we can pronounce."

"Now that is a theory I can get behind entirely." You snag him a paper straw from the container next to the drink dispenser and send him one of those winks that he seems so fond of, just to be playful. "Although I do speak passable Italian."

"You do?" That is new information and he's delighted to learn that. It's charming to know that about you and he grins as he nods. "I can see it. Have you traveled to Italy?"

"I never got to." It's a regret, to be sure, but you made up your mind a while ago to not let those things drag you down anymore. It's been too long. "The first time I was in college, I was an art history major. Most of my focus was on the Italian Renaissance, so Italian was kind of necessary."

“I see.” Marcus nods. “Maybe you will be able to visit once you have your degree.” He offers, knowing that traveling to foreign countries is important.

"Once I have my degree this time, I hope I'll be able to find a good job." The best you can really do is shrug, pretending that you hadn't had to set aside several lifelong dreams when you dropped out of college the first time around. As short a life as it had been then, you've always been a dreamer. "It's okay." Not wanting to bring the mood down, you offer him a sunny smile and turn to wait for his name to be called at the counter. "I'll get there someday."

"I don't doubt it for a second." Marcus promises you with a smile. You are tenacious and he knows you will make it happen for yourself. "How many more of your classes are you shy of graduating?" He asks, as he stands beside you.

"Seven." It sounds like so much and so little all at once, and you stick your hands in the pockets of your jacket to resist the insane urge you have to hold his hand. "One more full year, basically. But I have a spot open in case I don't pass something this semester and need to retake."

"That's a smart thing to do." He is impressed with the way that you are thinking ahead. "Sometimes you don't pass the first time around, I know I couldn't pass my freshman statistics course to save my life."

“I took Intro to Botany for my science general ed thinking it would at least be interesting.” But from your cringe, he can tell that that isn’t true. “It turned out to be both insanely difficult and insanely boring. Which is a shame.”

"Yeah...." Marcus shakes his head. "I'm not the biggest fan of that class." He doesn't like professor Issacs, but you don't need to know that. He's never particularly cared for him, finding him pompous and egotistical without contributing much to the faculty. He seemed to make the course load harder for his students than it needed to be.

“Well, if Isaacs decides to flunk me, it’ll be Earth Sciences in fall, instead.” Which you probably should have done in the first place, but hindsight is 20/20 and all that. “How’s your grading looking? Staring down the barrel of a hundred and fifty tests and papers?”

"I actually have it down to a science." Marcus tells you with a small grin. "I should be done with grading by Sunday at the latest."

“Look at you, Professor Smarty Pants. You’ll have to teach me your tricks if I ever actually become a teacher.” You tease, grinning when the girl behind the counter calls his name, looks up, and recognizes him.

“Moreno?” She asks, stunned and wide eyes. “Marcus Moreno?” Her voice manages to go up several octaves. “I- oh my god!”

Taking his drink and grabbing some napkins and utensils is the most helpful thing you can do, and you watch with a smile as Marcus shakes the girl’s hand and chats with her for a second before grabbing the tray with your dinner. He’s in his element with people - any kind of people - and you always get a warm sort of pride whenever you’re with him when he’s recognized. Despite having no claim on him but friendship, you’re still proud of him.

Marcus listens to the girl gush, he had apparently saved her about five years ago, right before he had quit going out into the field with the other Heroics. Making him recall the incident and he smiles as she thanks him for what he had done, shaking his head and claiming that it had been nothing. Grateful that you aren’t annoyed that he’s having time taken away from the date. When he finally comes back over to you, he gives you an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” You push the door open to go outside and let him go through first with the tray. “You’ve saved people's lives. You saved that girl’s life. That’s no small thing. Not at all.”

“It’s bad, but I don’t remember her.” Marcus feels guilty, but it’s the truth. There were a lot of people that day.

“And she never has to know that.” There is one picnic table closer to the water than the others, and you both move toward it instinctively. “I can’t imagine you remembering every person you ever saved. But I’m sure they'll all remember you for the rest of their lives.”

“It’s daunting.” Marcus admits. “I don’t think it’s a secret that I don’t crave attention.” He snorts. “I’m not Miracle Guy.”

“No one is.” You smirk, knowing Miracle Guy’s reputation for tooting his own horn.

Marcus chuckles at your expression and shrugs slightly. “He’s got quite the fan club.”

“And he loves it. But fame isn’t everyone’s first choice.” At the table you set everything out between you and sit side by side so you can both look out over the water while you eat. “For what it’s worth? I like you just as you are.”

“Well thank you.” Marcus moves your beer over to you and grins. “While we eat, maybe you can tell me why you chose teaching?”

“Have we never talked about that?” He shakes his head when you ask and you pop the cap off your beer. “Teaching was always on my radar.” You tell him, figuring that’s the best place to start. “I thought about teaching art, originally. But when I was taking care of my mom…the thing that she had the most energy for was books. We would read together constantly, until it was just me reading to hear and we would talk about every chapter and every book together. It was our own private book club, and I fell in love with literature all over again.”

"I like that." Marcus hates the fact that it seems like your mother is gone, he can't even imagine losing his mother right now although his father died when he was twelve, but he reaches out and takes your hand. "I'm sure that those memories are the ones that she cherished the most." He murmurs softly.

It’s not exactly the way you wanted it to happen - out of sympathy instead of excitement - but you look down at his large hands covering yours and smile. “She was my best friend,” you tell him, aware that your voice has dropped a little. “And I just hope I’m making her proud.”

“Doing exactly what you want to do and living your life how you want to live it is exactly what would make a parent proud.” He knows not all parents subscribe to that, but he feels like your mother would, considering how you’ve turned out.

“Thanks.” You shake your head, almost trying to release the cobwebs from the corners of your mind. “Sorry…I…I didn’t mean to bring the mood down.”

“You’re not bringing the mood down.” Marcus assures you, almost instantly. “Talking about our lives and what has happened is learning about each other. It’s the human condition that none of us are without personal tragedy.”

“I suppose.” Not wanting to let go just yet, you take a sip of your drink with your other hand. “Although most men would not feel that way on a first date. So thank you for being your compassionate self.”

“I am no stranger to things like this.” Marcus reminds you softly. “Do you know how many people hit on me at my wife’s funeral? And then didn’t understand why I was angry at them?”

“Are you serious?” The worst part is that you can imagine it. People offering to comfort the grieving widower with varying degrees of subtlety and lewdness. “That’s…that’s despicable, Marcus. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s done.” Marcus rubs his thumb in the back of your hand gently. “But I’ve learned that there are really good people in the world too, and you’re one of them.” He tells you with a soft smile.

“I really like you.” Though it comes out inelegantly, and you can feel your cheeks burn when you fear it, the sentiment is honest. “I mean…obviously. Since I’m here with you. But I guess I mean…I’m glad that you feel that way. Because the time that I’ve been able to spend with you is the happiest that I’ve been in a really long time.”

"That's good." He lights up, grinning broadly and can't quite hide the way his chest puffs out slightly at your praise of him and the time you have spent together. A lot of it has been innocent but it's a building block for what he wants. More.

With the air slightly clearer between you, you dig into your dinner with enthusiasm. The little roadside seafood shack is playing with no less than its A-game so everything is fresh and delicious. The sea is calm, treating you to crisp breezes and the occasional creature-sighting, and little joke after little joke piles up to have you both in a fit of giggles by the time the meal winds down. In your entire life a first date has never been this relaxed or fun, and you're starting to think that maybe you've just been dating the wrong people all along.

Marcus leans back and sighs. “Well, want to continue on and find our dessert stand?” He asks playfully, rubbing his stomach. “Or do you not have room?”

"There is always room for dessert." You tell him, with an air that you're giving some kind of sage wisdom. "Especially cold desserts on warm nights." It will be sundown soon and the mid-May sun is only just starting to lose power. "Do you know a place or are we driving until we find one?" Either way is fine with you. Either way is time spent with him.

“I’m kinda winging it.” Marcus admits with a grin. “Trying to be more spontaneous? Missy said I shouldn’t plan everything out like I do normally.”

"You told Missy?" Admittedly, you had been afraid to ask if he was going to or not, knowing that his relationship with his daughter means the world to him. You wouldn't have been surprised or offended if he had chosen to hold off on telling her about you until it became more serious. The fact that he did - that you seem to be important enough to him to have her know about you - floods you with warmth and joy.

“She’s the one that told me I needed to stop…how did she put it? “Being a wuss’  and ask you out.” He chuckles as he stands from the table and picks up the tray that you’ve both deposited all the trash from your dinner onto. He’ll throw it away and return the tray before getting back on the bike with you.

"Your daughter and my roommate." You can't help but chuckle a little, walking with him to the trash bins to chuck your beer bottle in the recycles. "Well...I'm glad one of us listened to our advice giver. I'm pretty sure I would have been too chicken when push came to shove."

“I was half convinced that I was making up the entire thing in my head.” He huffs, rolling his eyes at himself. “That maybe you just felt sorry for me and that’s why you ate lunch with me.”

"Not at all." The fact that he thought it, though, shows his humility. "Actually, at first I thought the reverse. That you were taking pity on your weird student who was older than everybody else by being friendly."

“God no.” Marcus breathes out. “You saved my sanity. Having someone who was understanding that it’s insane for all these girls to be wanting me?” He rolls his eyes. “There’s a group of them that started calling me ‘daddy’ and I just-“ he shrugs and laughs in that defeated and disbelieving kind of way. “Why?”

When you snort to keep from bursting out laughing, you can only hold up your hand to apologize. “Marcus, it’s because you’re hot. A sexy guy in a position of authority with a nurturing personality is a recipe for being a daddy.”

“But…I—” He trails off and his eyes widen slightly in realization. “Dear God.” He huffs after a long moment of silence.

“It’s a compliment,” you promise, looping your arm around him and hugging him while you desperately try to keep the laughter inside. “A slightly weird one, but a compliment nonetheless.”

“They do realize that I would never actually….date them, right?” He asks. “It would be so wrong.” Most of his class are seniors but the age gap widens every year and now there’s only three or four years between the freshman class and his daughter.

“The reasonable ones do. The less reasonable ones don’t care. That’s not the point.” Together you walk back around the tiny restaurant and out to the parking lot, but Marcus doesn’t move away from you so you keep your hand on him while you go. “They’ll get it out of their systems eventually and then you won’t have to hear it anymore. Besides, I think the ringleaders of that particular nickname are all graduating this year.” One of them was Monica, you know that for sure. But she’ll be graduated and gone in no time.

“Hopefully.” Marcus looks over at you, “although I wouldn’t mind a certain former student dropping by sometimes when she has time.” He teases.

“Oh yeah?” You smirk, unable to resist screwing with him just a little. “I’ll let Monica know. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.”

“Do it and you’ll buy your own ice cream.” Marcus threatens playfully. He doesn’t mean it, but the idea of Monica haunting his office hours after graduation is almost enough to make his time by virtual connection only.

“That’s a very serious threat, you know.” You’re giggling when you make it to his bike, practically doubled over with it just from the mortified look on his face. “Of course I’ll drop by office hours. How else am I going to say hi?” Doing your best not to count on anything - or to get your hopes up too high - you have ended up just sort of assuming that he won’t want to go on another date after tonight. That it will be too weird for him or you won’t be as good as what he has built up in his mind before now. It’s helping to keep your expectations grounded, because your hopes are already imagining what it will be like to get to know his daughter.

“Welllllllll, I guess we could communicate through mirrors and reflections, smoke signals, or pigeon carriers.” Marcus snorts. “But I was hoping it would include the occasional phone call, or visit in person. I’ll even text.”

"I would pay money to see Missy teaching you how to text." That starts up the giggles again, but in a much more lighthearted way. "Look, Marcus..." You manage not to sigh, thank god, but your tone does trend a bit more serious. All fears aside for you, you know that he hasn't dated in an extremely long time and deserves some reassurance. "I told you that I really like you and I meant it. So if you decide you want to keep seeing me after tonight? I'm a commitment girl. So dropping by your office with snacks or to spend some time together will be a given."

“I know how to text.” Marcus grumbles, pouting at you slightly. “I just don’t. There’s no inflection. And how can I convey emotion?” He reaches out to take the helmet you had worn off the back of the bike to put it back on you. “I think this date is going really well, how about you?” He asks. “So I don’t know why I wouldn’t want to see you again.”

"If I tell you that I'm having a great night but trying not to set my expectations too high, do I get to see that cute pout again?" The fact that he sets the helmet on you and buckles it in place so he knows you're safe is about the cutest thing ever.

Just to get you to grin again, he does the pout again. Holding it for a few seconds before he shakes his head in disappointment. “And here I was thinking that you should set the expectations sky high.” He rumbles dramatically.

'My hopes are sky high," you assure him, feeling daring enough to reach out and touch his arm again even if it's only briefly. "But I know this is a big step for you, so I didn't want you to feel pressured."

“I don’t.” He promises, reaching up and chucking your chin softly before he glances down at your lips. “Not at all. Although there’s some pressure, it’s not something you have to worry about unless you want to.”

"What do you mean?" Tilting your head to one side, you don't miss the way he glances down at your lips, though the innuendo goes straight over your head.

He chuckles quietly and lets go of your chin. “I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.” He teases, turning back and grabbing his own helmet. “Let me know when you got it worked out.”

"Well that's not fair." It's your turn to pout now, just as playfully. "I have no talent for double meanings, if my roommate is to be believed."

“Really?” He turns back around and smirks at you. “If you don’t figure it out by the time I drop you off at your place, I’ll let you in on the pressure.”

"You're enjoying this too much." But it's amusing rather than anything else, and you nudge him playfully.

“Maybe a little.” He chuckles as he climbs back on the bike and motions you over. “Climb back on, sweetheart.”

If teasing you is what keeps that smile on his face then you are all for it. You just shake your head to make him laugh again and swing your leg back over the back of his bike. Your arms slide easily around his waist this time with no hesitation in the thing, and you giggle all over again when the engine roars to life.

“Want to go a little faster this time?” Marcus yells over his shoulder.

"Go for it!" There's no question you'll be safe with him, and the adrenaline from the ride is definitely worth it, so you just hold on a little tighter.

“Hang on!” Marcus laughs as he kicks the peg up and twists the throttle of the bike hard enough to lurch you out of the parking spot and make you squeal in surprise.

Back on the highway Marcus picks up the pace, moving you through traffic with expert handling and a fearlessness that goes straight past anything worrying and directly to being such a damn turn on.

This time there’s less talking, more wind buffering around you. Marcus loves the feeling of it, having spent plenty of time wishing he had the skill of flying like Miracle Guy, but this is a close second. He grins as you squeeze him tight and he lets go of one handlebar to cover your hands with his own as he carries you further up the coast.

The colors of sunset are just starting to appear on the horizon when Marcus points out a sign for an ice cream stand up ahead. His hand has been warm on yours whenever it's been safe for him to have it there, and you could swear that the warmth radiating off of him in waves has changed somehow. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Throttling down, he pulls into the parking lot of the ice cream stand, happy that it seems moderately busy on this beautiful night. Even better, there’s benches facing the ocean to sit and eat. “Now are you a sundae kind of girl or a cone?” He asks playfully.

"Yes to both," you laugh honestly. You both take off your helmets and pop off the bike to stretch your legs, but stick close to each other while other people bustle around having fun. "But tonight feels like a cone night. Much easier for sitting and watching the water with."

“I agree.” Marcus can’t help but touch you again, keeping his hand on your back again. “Figure once we finish up here, we’ll turn around and start heading back to L.A. Don’t want you too sore from riding too long.”

"Sure. We got a perfect night for a few more hours of driving." Though you have no desire to see the night end, you're not trying to monopolize every second of his time. Or at least you wouldn't admit to wanting it. For now you just keep close and lean into his side a little as you stroll toward the stand overlooking the water.

“It’s also a good reason to stop at these stands.” He looks over at you and smirks. “If you aren’t used to it, it’s a real workout on your hips and thighs.”

"Some things are worth being sore for." It's amazing the way you miss even your own innuendo, but there it is. The words don't even register a second meaning on their way out of your mouth.

Marcus waits a beat for you to smirk, but you don’t. Giving credence to your claim that you don’t get secondary meanings. “Yep.” He chuckles. “Let’s figure out what ice cream we want.”

"I'm going to guess...pistachio for you." You glance up at him when you get into line and raise an eyebrow. "Or Rocky Road? Something classic."

“Actually…” Marcus smiles as he glances at the list of flavors. “I was thinking the sinful Caramel truffle swirl.” He admits.

"Ooh, we're going for something fancy tonight." It might be the mood or the sunset, but he is just remarkably handsome tonight. "Sounds tasty."

“You always go fancy with ice cream.” Marcus laughs. “Or red velvet, peanut butter cup mashup?”

"Red velvet and caramel swirl mash up?" Suddenly it's a game, playing with pairings, and his hand on your back has slipped to your waist making you feel giddy like you're still flying on that bike with him.

“Orrrr the banana flavored ice cream with peanut butter, chocolate chips and caramel swirl?” He asks, nearly drooling at the combinations they offer.

"The Elvis. Always a classic." All it's missing is bacon, and you would absolutely use that as a sundae topping. "I say we pick two and swap halfway through. Best of both worlds."

Marcus grins slowly and nods. “Sounds like a plan to me.” His fingers tighten on your waist slightly as you both turn back towards the window and step up to order. “Ladies first.” He murmurs to you.

You end up ordering coffee cookies and cream and Marcus gets the Elvis-inspired concoction that had him drooling, and within minutes you’re scouting for a place to sit in the small army of benches overlooking the water. The pinks, purples, and orange in the sky are a watercolor collage of the perfect sunset, and the smattering of other couples who also chose to stop here on their dates have given the place a more romantic feel than a little seaside ice cream stand probably ever would ever have on its own.

“Sooooo.” Marcus guides you over to the benches, the girl behind the window assuring them that they will bring the ice cream to you. “How is the view?” He asks, sitting down besides you and offering his hand. If you want to take it, you have the option.

“I think it might be my new favorite.” In fact, you’re so busy admiring his profile against the colorful sky that you almost miss his proffered hand. Almost. But you slip your hand into his larger one with a shy smile, relishing the simple intimacy.

Marcus isn’t looking at the sunset. Instead his eyes are on you. “Mine too.” He promises, curling his fingers around yours protectively.

“Yeah?” You’re both the same kind of sappy, it seems, and the smile on your face widens immeasurably. Your cheeks are going to ache from it tomorrow but you couldn’t care less. “I’m glad to hear it.”

He grins but doesn’t say anything else, just letting both of you settle back and watch the light play over the water. His hand doesn’t leave yours and he sighs softly. “The view of the water is nice too.”

A laugh - small and breathy - cracks your dreamy expression and you manage to thank the teenage girl who brings over your ice cream when she arrives a moment later. “Yes,” you grin at him, nearly giggling. “The water is nice, too.”

The first bite of the creamy, sweet ice cream makes Marcus moan, rolling his eyes back. “Holy shit.” He groans, taking another lick of the confection. “I know we’re trading but you have to try this now.” Having the perfect dessert almost makes up for having to let go of your hand. Almost.

“That good?” You ask, and he nods when he holds it out to you. It’s messier than you're proud of, that first taste, but you groan right along with him and let your eyes float shut happily. “Holy shit, it is that good.”

“Right?” He’s practically giddy as he takes another bite of it happily. “This is definitely a place to come back to again one night.”

“Absolutely.” The first bite of your own cone is just as good, and you moan again happily. “If it’s all this good then we’ll have to come back with Missy.”

“Missy will insist on it.” Marcus chuckles. “That girl has never met an ice cream flavor she didn’t love. She even eats mint chocolate chip.” He makes a face and grins at you.

“Mint chocolate chip is delicious!” You protest immediately, making him just grimace even more dramatically. “Fine, more for me and Missy, then. You’re the one missing out.”

“I will happily miss out.” He promises you. “I don’t care for the taste of toothpaste with my chocolate.”

“How about coffee and Oreos?” Offering him a first taste of your ice cream is only fair since you’d had one of his, but more than anything you’re just enjoying the easy teasing between you.

“Now you’re speaking my language.” Marcus doesn’t hesitate in sampling the cone you offer him and he groans happily. “God.”

“Right?” You laugh, trying to ignore the way the sounds reverberate through you anytime Marcus groans or moans over delicious food. “We have to come back. Gotta try every flavor.”

“Absolutely. Although with Missy coming, we’ll have to trade the motorcycle for the car.” He doesn’t mind it, and to be honest, he likes that you want to include his daughter.

“I don’t mind.” Spending time with his daughter is more important than how you travel, and honestly you’re not sure you’ll be composed enough for family bonding with how fucking wet riding that bike has made you. “The bike can be for when it’s just us.”

“I like the way you think.” Marcus smirks slightly and takes another bite of his ice cream.

“After all…” When you smirk at him it’s devious. “I don’t think the bike would be considered very ‘Daddy’ of you.”

He snorts, nearly choking on the melted cream of his dessert. “That’s just mean.”

“Me? Mean?” You blink at him innocently, with your eyes as wide as they’ll go. “Never! But tease? Absolutely.”

“So you tease but you don’t get the dirty meanings behind comments?” He laughs, shaking his head in amusement. “Interesting.”

“I guess I just…never expect anyone to make dirty comments to me?” It feels like an excuse, or something silly, and you shrug your shoulders. “So it never occurs to me.”

“Why?” That seems impossible to him. You’re beautiful, kind, smart and funny. “While I don’t subscribe to catcalling women all the time, there’s got to be times where people come onto you.”

“Maybe.” Another shrug and you feel yourself looking away, like you ought to be embarrassed for missing out on something. “But I never notice unless it’s extremely obvious. Like the day you asked me to have lunch with you the first time? You flat out asked me.”

“I don’t mind having to be blunt.” Marcus leans in and nudges your shoulder slightly. “I’ll keep it in mind when I want you to know I’m flirting with you.”

“I’ll learn,” you promise, knowing the whole thing sounds silly to any ‘normal’ person. “Learning how you flirt is easier than learning how everybody in the world flirts.”

“This is very true.” Marcus is halfway down with his cone so he dutifully holds it out for you to take.

“Trade time.” You offer him your cone in exchange, glad that something so simple can be enjoyable for both of you. After everything you’ve been through over the last few years, you really have realized that it’s the little things that mean the most to you. Something as simple as sharing food makes everything much more intimate.

“We might have to get a couple of pints to take home next time.” Marcus suggests. “Bring a cooler.”

“We can make homemade ice cream sandwiches.” The thoughts roll on - of spending more time with him, getting to know Missy - the daydreams you have only started to allow yourself this week as you waited eagerly tonight.

“Ohhhh make some cookies for the sandwiches.” Marcus groans, rolling his eyes at the idea.

“Exactly.” His enthusiastic reaction makes you grin, hoping that some of these little dreams might come true sooner rather than later. Tonight has really been perfect, and you don’t want it to end even if all you do is sit here in the after-dusk and watch the water together.

“So…anything else you want to do?” He asks softly. “We don’t have to end the date after we get back to L.A.”

“Honestly? We could probably do anything and I’d enjoy it.” Simple, maybe, but you prefer to think of it as being easy going. And you’ve never not enjoyed time with this man. “Maybe we could just…curl up? Watch a movie or something? Unless that sounds boring to you.”

“We could do that.” Marcus offers after thinking about it for a second. “Do you want to do this at your place or mine?” Just because you were picked up from a date at your apartment doesn’t mean you want him to come back to it. He frantically tries to remember if he did the dishes this morning.

“It’s probably easier if you come back to mine, I think.” Not that the very idea of it doesn’t have you shaking a little with anticipation. “That way you don’t have to drive the round trip between our places just to drop me off.”

“If that’s what you want.” Marcus chuckles quietly and decides to be honest. “I was just panicking and praying I had cleaned up from breakfast this morning.”

“There’s no reason to worry about that.” You shake your head, pausing for a second to lick away a drop of ice cream before it can skate down your hand. “A pristine house always confuses me. It’s supposed to be where you live, and life is messy.”

“Life is messy but I don’t think day old dishes are the way to express it.” Marcus chuckles. “I always think of shoes by the door, backpacks slung over the stair banister, throws and pillows messy on the couch.” He shrugs. “Basically how my house looks.”

“If you would be more comfortable at your house, I don’t mind.” For you, this is all about making him as at ease as possible, because you know that no matter what you’ll enjoy yourself. “I can take an Uber home?” Or spend the night, but you won’t say that part out loud.

He chuckles quietly. “I was wanting you to be comfortable.” He pouts slightly, playfully, at you.

“Too considerate for our own good.” You have to laugh a little, realizing that you’re both dancing around each other. “Why don’t we go to your house, then?” An Uber ride now will give you time to think, and to maybe not do something impulsive like ask him to stay.

Marcus nods. “That sounds good. We’ll have the house to ourselves and not have to worry about bothering the neighbors.” He murmurs, knowing you probably won’t get his meaning.

“Sounds good.” The smile you give him is admittedly a little dreamy, but that’s okay. A first date should be dreamy if it’s any good. Now that it’s officially dark out, the night seems to have taken on an extra layer of comfort that you hadn’t expected. Or maybe it’s just that you’re leaning into his side on the bench.

Marcus quickly devours the cone, but he offers you the very tip of the cone - the best part in his opinion. “Here, sweetheart.” He leans up and holds it up to your lips. “The sweetest bite.”

There’s something very intimate about it but you don’t shy away, accepting the gift by nipping it right out of his fingers with your teeth but still accidentally grazing his fingers with your lips in the process. He’s right about it, though, and you hum happily when you offer him the same last bite of the cone you had been holding.

It should be obvious how Marcus is feeling from the way his breath catches when you graze his fingers, but he doesn’t know. So he makes it obvious. He wraps his lips around your fingers and sucks lightly.

As gentle as he is when he does it, it sucks the air straight out of your lungs to make you gasp. There's no possible way to miss the deliberate way his tongue flicks at your fingertips instead of focusing on the nub of the ice cream cone that you had been offering, and although he does come away with the treat in his mouth that's not at all what you're focused on now. You stare for a second before you can compose yourself again, and instead of being gobsmacked you immediately feel your whole face burning.

"Delicious." He hums, smirking at you slightly as he licks his lips before he starts to lick his fingers clean of any melted ice cream that dripped down. "Are you ready to go back?" He asks, watching you carefully as he sucks his thumb clean.

The reply gets stuck in your throat at first but you nod, eventually managing to stammer out a "Yes" and flustering, because what you want to do is drag him in for a kiss but that seems awfully forward. Or maybe it isn't at this point and you're just paranoid - who knows.

Marcus chuckles quietly, suddenly more confident on this date than he had been up to this point. His knuckles brush across your cheek and there’s still just a touch of light over the ocean to make the scene romantic with the string of lights around to give it a nice glow. “I’m going to kiss you, unless you say no.” He warns softly, making his intentions known and giving you a chance to pull away as he leans in.

“Why the hell would I do that?” It gives you just a second to appreciate his knack for crystal clear communication, which means the world to you, but you’re also not trying to open a dialogue. You lean in as easily as breathing, finding his lips a half seconds faster than he anticipated, and let your eyes flutter closed at that first touch. It feels so natural, like everything else tonight, and you reach one hand up to cup his cheek while the moment lingers between you beautifully.

Marcus sighs into the soft kiss. It’s gentle, promising. A first kiss that sweet dreams are made of and he’s careful to not take it any deeper. If you want to kiss him again, he can expand then. After a moment, or many an hour, he pulls away with a smile. “Ready, beautiful?”

“Absolutely.” As soft and sweet as it is, your whole self is buzzing with it and you run your thumb along his jaw as you nod. “Ready, handsome.”

The two of you stand up and there’s a natural way that you seem to drift towards each other. His hand sliding around your waist and he hums softly. “Are you warm enough in that jacket for the ride home?” He asks, knowing that it will get cooler now that the sun is down.

“I’ll be okay.” He must not know that he radiates heat. It comes off him in waves and you’ve wondered more than once how he could possibly survive wearing sweaters like he does in Southern California weather while being so warm. Maybe it’s just an aura he gives off. “If I’m chilly when we get to your house we’ll just have to curl up under a blanket.”

Marcus groans slightly, barely refraining from making another dirty comment, but his fingers flex slightly on your hip. “Whatever you want.” He promises.

“Did I say something?” You’re starting to pick up on things. On his cues that could be considered unusual. At least, he never groaned around you before.

“Yeah.” He knows you didn’t mean it sexually. “I was just thinking of all the ways I could be under a blanket with you, sweetheart.” He admits as the two of you stop in front of his bike again. “It’s adding to that pressure I was talking about.”

With two pieces of the puzzle, it's like something clicks into place in your mind and you suck in another breath, clamping your mouth shut to keep from openly giggling. "Oh." You duck your head and push into his space a little, just to press a kiss to his cheek. "I wouldn't... wouldn't mind not making it through the movie," you admit quietly.

He chuckles quietly and reaches for the helmet for you. “That’s up to you.” He promises quietly. “Completely up to you.”

The ride back to LA is easy. The giddiness in your blood is different than it was when you left the city but no less exciting - just a new kind of anticipation. The idea that he does actually want you as much as you want him is exhilarating, making you hyper aware of the way you have to cling to him as he guides you through traffic. The strength of him despite how he might look soft to the outside observer. The breadth of his back and shoulders giving you a place to rest your head as your drive that only makes you wonder if the breadth of his chest would be even more comforting.

There is a slight urgency to getting back this time. He’s not speeding too badly but it’s not the leisurely drive it had been on the way out. Not with the fact that your hand has slipped under his jacket and resting on his stomach, warm and heavy.

His house is picturesque from the outside: the pinnacle of upper-middle class southern California comfort. A gate and security box outside let you in to see the well kept front yard and around the side of the house where the pool is beckoning with welcome. It looks tidy but not fussy, which is just like him. "Home sweet home?" You hum when he cuts the engine in his driveway.

“Home sweet home.” Marcus offers, letting you swing yourself off the back of the bike before he lets down the kickstand and dismounts himself. “Hopefully you like it.”

"I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't." As reluctant as you are to pull away, you take off the helmet you had been wearing and hand it off to him to secure. The night has barely gotten a chill but the ride definitely created a breeze, and you smile when you take his offered hand. "Do you want to give me the grand tour?"

“Of course.” He practically beams at how you smile at him. It’s the type of smile that makes him feel like a warm blanket has settled over him. “Missy has managed to make this hang out central in the summertime when she’s here. The kids like to come swim.”

“I would too, if I were them. Any place with a pool is the best place to spend free time.” There’s vestiges of teenagers everywhere when he shows you the path to the backyard - pool toys in a large crate and everything brightly colored in every way. It feels lived in and loved.

“Of course. And it’s always asking if I can grill hamburgers or whatever.” He huffs, but his grin gives away how much he enjoys it. “Do you know how many bags of chips teenagers can plow through?”

“It’s gonna be even more if I start coming over.” You flash him a grin that says you’re one hundred percent ready to suck up to his daughter to make sure she likes you. “Dips and desserts are kind of my thing.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “Do you mean to bring them or I’ll have to buy more?” He teases with a wink.

“Oh no, I’ll make them.” You promise, laughing right with him. “Nothing says pool party and burgers like fresh salsa and guac.”

“You make homemade guacamole and my daughter would be your best friend.” Marcus laughs. “She eats it all by herself.”

“Befriending Missy is very high on my list of priorities.” That’s something that shouldn’t be a secret from him - that you value him enough to make his daughter a priority. Tonight has been amazing and might still continue to get better, and it’s important that he knows how seriously you take this.

“The key to her heart is avocados and green chili sauce.” He confides, whispering playfully. “If you can make green chili enchiladas, she might ask you to move in.”

Your other hand moves around his waist when he pulls you into his side and you grin up at him when you hug him. “I really hope you don’t mind having me around then, because it sounds like Missy and I can live off the same foods.”

“If you can cook it, thank God.” Marcus huffs. “Because for some reason mine never turns out right.”

“We’ll have to see what she thinks.” You lean into Marcus with a smile. “I hope they make the cut.”

“If they are halfway decent, it would be a lot better than mine.” He chuckles, leaning into you and sending you an up close wink.

“Wanna show me the inside?” A nod to the house is a small thing, but getting to see his space for the first time is a big deal.

“Of course! Yes, of course.” He huffs at himself and shakes his head. “Come inside, please.”

The house is lived in. Cozy and as tidy as it can be while being inhabited by a single dad and his teenage daughter. No cleaning lady has been through here, no private chef has seen the inside of this kitchen or painstakingly set this table. It hasn’t been touched by an interior decorator or a stylist. It’s just their home, and you like it all the better for that.

“So this is it.” He’s never been a showy person, motioning to the living room and open kitchen. “It’s home and to be honest, probably could use a hell of a dusting.” He admits, blushing slightly.

“It’s just like you.” The words come with a soft, lopsided smile. “Comfortable, welcoming. Like you don’t want to leave once you’ve been let inside.”

Marcus smiles slowly and nods. “Well it’s a good thing that you only leave when you want to.”

It’s a chance to take, but you’re willing to go out on a limb right now. With his fingers still threaded through yours it’s easy to turn into him and tip your head back. It’s just a small moment, or at least it starts that way, but you place a kiss to the corner of his mouth in what is - for you - a very daring move. “That is a good thing,” you murmur, hoping that wasn’t too forward after he kissed you earlier in the evening.

It warms him, making him snake his free hand around your waist and pull you closer. “Hmmmm.” He hums quietly and shakes his head. “We can do better than that, sweetheart.” He promises before he leans in to kiss you again.

It’s firmer this time, more wanting, and you sigh into it with a freedom and enthusiasm that is only encouraged by how close he’s holding you.

Marcus feels the tension building, loves how naturally this is progressing and he tilts his head slightly so he can run his tongue along the seam of your lips.

You shiver a little and sigh, opening up for him and gliding your tongue along his for that first taste of exploring something deeper. While his hand tightens at your waist, yours slide up his shoulders easily, pulling the two of you together like magnets. You opening up for him is like opening the floodgates for Marcus. The needs that have been building for him spill out, making him become more assertive. Guiding you towards a counter while groaning into your mouth, he presses against your body, his own hard and throbbing for you.

Permission has been given here - permission to act and permission to want in a way that you can’t remember even scratching the surface of with anyone before him. Of course there were others before him, you’re not that innocent, but it’s been a long time and something about the way Marcus is mapping the inside of your mouth so carefully and methodically feels momentous. You moan for him, softly at first but it quickly becomes needy, and tangle your fingers in his clothes like a desperate, silent plea to have them out of the way.

“Baby.” Marcus pants as he pulls away, sucking in the air he had been deprived of while he was kissing you. His lips trail down your jaw. “You need- let me know- if- if we need to stop.” He manages.

“Could say the s-same to you —” It’s not as though you haven’t dreamt of this. Gotten yourself off to the thought of this. Tried to imagine if he would be rough and needy from desperation or soft and gentle out of caution and affection. Now that you might be a hair’s breadth away from finding out you don’t ever want to stop.

“Fuuuuuuuck.” Marcus lets out a breathless chuckle against your pulse. “Baby I want to show you my bedroom.” He murmurs desperately. His cock twitches against your stomach.

“Please.” There’s nothing more straight forward than that, and you nod almost frantically.

“Okay.” He pulls away from you and takes your hand. “Let’s go upstairs.” He offers, giving you a moment to breathe.

If you were in a more eloquent mood you might have thought it was like being led through a palace by your very own Prince Charming, but as it stands the only thing you can really focus on is the heat radiating off of him and the urgency with which you’re both climbing the stairs. You barely make it to the landing before you’re glued to each other again, blindly grasping along the hallway as you moan into another kiss.

It has been a long time since Marcus was in such a hurry to ferry someone into his bedroom. Yet his hands grip every part of you that he can reach and he is pushing off your jacket right there in front of the stairs so he can touch more of you. Drunk off the soft sounds you pour into his mouth.

One by one the pieces of clothing start to drop - your purse, both jackets, his shirt - with an urgency that you hadn't known you had until his hands were spanning your whole hips with one great grasp and his teeth found exactly how sensitive the tender skin of your neck is. "Marcus–" His name is a prayer before it becomes a chant and your own hands map the expanse of his chest as you tumble through a doorway that you desperately hope leads to his bedroom.

“Gonna make this good baby.” It’s a desperate promise to his ears, especially as long as he’s been without intimacy. Unless you count him jerking off this morning in a desperate attempt to not attack you. Though that point seems to be moot.

"So good." How could you doubt that about him? Well...you don't, honestly, but you understand that as long as it's been for you it's been much longer for him. And to have a little reassurance might go a very long way tonight. "So fucking good."

“Let me know if I do something that you don’t like.” Marcus orders you softly, smirking at you because he doesn’t think that it will be likely. “It has been a long time since I’ve been able to go down on someone.”

“Fuck, Marcus.” Having had no expectation for tonight, that bowls you over like a ton of bricks and you look up at him with lust blown eyes. “There is nothing I don’t like about that.”

He chuckles, the deep, raspy sound of arousal and anticipation. “You don’t know, I could be a biter.” He teases, knowing that he will put his teeth marks on you in a few different places.

"How do you know I wouldn't like that?" You tease back, enjoying that every single second doesn't have to be fully loaded and serious. Being able to laugh with your lover is something you need.

Marcus snaps his teeth at you playfully at winks. “Only one way to find out.”

Giggling in response, you happily draw him in for another kiss before stepping back toward his bed. One pull brings your dress up over your head, and you just have to thank your lucky stars that you wore a reasonably cute matching underwear set tonight. It's not all the way to lingerie, but it's nicer than your every-day stuff. If you had anticipated this at all, you would have pulled out the fanciest thing you own.

“Fuck.” The sight of your pretty panties and bra makes his cock twitch in his pants and he’s quickly ridding himself of the t-shirt he had worn. He might be slightly self conscious, it’s been a long time since he was in Heroics shape, but he ignores that as he stares.

"You took the word right out of my mouth." It might be a silly thing, but you can't help staring right back for a moment. The little bit of softness around his middle doesn't diminish his figure one ounce. If anything, you like a bit of softness with all that strength. He looks broader like this - shoulders tapering down to trim hips - and you step backward again. One step closer to his bed.

“Take off your bra.” Marcus orders quietly before he smirks and holds up his hand to stop you. “Better yet…hold still.”

Tilting your head at him, you stop reaching behind you. A second later the hook and eye clasps on your bra open completely untouched. "Did you just--?" Your hand immediately reaches back to touch the clasp, which feels completely normal and unbent, and you pull your bra down your arms with a smirk. "Metal powers. Handy."

“Very handy.” He might look like the cat who got the cream and his eyes only get wider as your breasts are revealed to him. “Fuck, you’re so fucking pretty.” He coos, reaching for the button of his jeans. “Do you like your nipples sucked on?” He asks, mouthwatering as he imagines it.

"Mmhmm." For some reason the question paralyzes you, like that is somehow what has made tonight completely real. "I-- y-yes, god yes."

“Then I’m going to suck on them.” Marcus groans like you’ve given him a gift. “I’m going to suck on them while my fingers stretch open your little pussy before I lick it.”

"Fuck." One more step back and your calves bump against his bed frame, almost making you lose your balance because you weren't expecting to find the all-important piece of furniture so easily. "Do it, Marcus. Touch me, please."

His jeans are pushed down, his boxers tented with a large wet spot from where he is leaking. “Lay down.” Marcus practically growls out the order, eager to see you spread out in his bed.

All in one not-too-smooth motion, you shift back onto his bed and slip out of your panties, wanting to just bypass any other awkwardness by laying yourself bare for him. Everything Marcus wants at this moment, you are more than happy to give him.

He had wanted to strip off your panties, but it’s completely okay if you are bare. Giving him the perfect unobstructed view of your body. He hisses through his teeth and rushes to strip off his boxers. “Jesus baby, look at you.”

"Too busy looking at you." His cock is thick, and longer than you've had before, sending a delicious shiver down your spine as you take in the sight of him prowling toward you. Two steps and he's leaning on the bed, making the mattress dip to hold his weight and bringing the heat of his proximity back to you. "Fucking gorgeous."

“Yes you are.” Marcus hovers over you, watching you squirm underneath him as he takes in the view. “Let me kiss you again, sweetheart.”

"Gladly." You would drown in him right now if you could - kissing him is the least of it. The weight and breadth of him on top of you makes you feel almost dainty as you breathe him in, and just a touch of warm wetness on the inside of your thigh tells you he is just as excited by the turn tonight has taken as you are.

The kiss is hot, frantic and Marcus is lowering himself onto you before he even realizes it. Needing to get closer. “Fuck.”

It feels like your hands are everywhere at once, trying to map the length and breadth of him while you memorize his taste. With no hesitations between you, the instinct to reach down and wrap your hand around his length is easy to give in to.

You would think that he’s been surprised, maybe even hurt from the way that Marcus sucks in a loud breath. But there’s no mistaking the way his hips jerk forward when your hand surrounds his cock and squeezes gently. It’s the sweetest kind of torture and he feels the burst of pearly liquid build up on the tip naturally. “Shit.” The ragged groan is followed by his mouth starting to blaze a wet trail across your chest in search of your nipple.

Your own gasp nearly matches when he finds it, drawing a moan from you and arching your back off the bed and letting your eyes flutter shut just for a second before you peel them open again to watch him. Ravenous isn’t usually a word you would use to describe Marcus but right now he is a man starved and the first step to satiating him is found at your tits.

There had been a few times where he had worried he wouldn’t be able to do this again. That he would be too nervous or just unsure of the new partner. But you have stripped all of those insecurities away and left him with nothing but heavy desire.

The sounds surrounding you like a halo turn filthy quickly. Groans muffled by skin, vocal moans, the sloppy sounds of Marcus lapping at your chest more and more desperately every time your hand moves on his cock.

“Fuck.” His groan is muffled around your nipple. His hands blaze a trail over your skin, groping and squeezing every piece of flesh he could. “So good.”

“Marcus—” You whimper when he moves across your chest, latching onto your neglected nipple with eager determination. “Fuck baby — need you to touch me. Please.”

Once you beg him, Marcus can’t deny you anything. His fingers slide down to slide through your folds and press against your clit as he switches over to the other breast. Your hand around his stills when he presses his fingers into you, totally absorbed in the feeling of being split open on two of his thick fingers as his thumb rubs circles over your clit. It has your chest heaving and body aching all at once, desperate to get as close to him as possible. To draw him into you and get him as addicted to the feel of you surrounding him as you already are to him surrounding you.

“So sweet.” Marcus pulls off your tit and groans when he feels how fucking tight you are as he pumps his fingers into your body. “Fuck, that what you need? That good? You need me to curl them?” He wants to know how to make you cum, wants to hear those breathless cries.

"C-curl, fuck, please--" It's impossible to form a complete thought with his fingers moving inside of you so gorgeously, but you nod and hope he can understand the broken sentence for what it is. "So good."

He hears you, his teeth nipping the side of your breast as he curls his fingers up and presses them deeper.

You keen in response, crying his name and grasping his shoulders as he pumps his fingers in and out of your tight cunt, curling them perfectly against that gorgeous spongy spot inside of you and making you see stars. "Just-- fuck -- like that, oh my god."

Marcus groans, breathing against your skin and closing his eyes at the sound of your moan. “Good girl.” He coos breathlessly. “Oh fuck, good girl.” His cock pulses against your hip but he wants to make this good for you. Knowing that he won’t last too long in bed this time.

It's all too overwhelming and so good in all the ways that you've missed being touched, and Marcus's rhythm doesn't falter as he pushes you right to the edge. Barely gasping out a warning before your whole body seems to lock down under him, his name is on your lips when you fall apart for him the first time.

Marcus shudders, feeling the liquid heat rush over his fingers. Making him moan your name quietly as he keeps pumping his fingers up into to keep the pressure against that spongy spot and draw it out for you while he kisses along your jaw and murmurs small words of encouragement in your ear. “Good girl, so fucking good. Ride it out for me, baby.”

"Goddamn." When you feel like you can breathe again, you turn your head to capture his lips in a sloppy, eager kiss. "So fucking good, baby."

He chuckles quietly, soaking up your praise and slowly pulling his fingers out of you along with a whine when he does. “Good.” He pants. “You want–” He pulls back and looks into your eyes. “Can I fuck you, baby?” He asks.

"Fuck yes." There's no hesitation for you. Months of dreaming - and daydreaming - about this makes you nothing but pliant and needy. "I-I'm safe," you manage to pant out between kisses. "IUD, I mean."

He groans the idea of feeling you bare and having you full of his cum. “Good. I’m safe too.” He promises, nudging your cheek with his nose. “Been a long time and I’ve had a clean bill of health.”

"It's been a while for me, too." There's no reason for him to be self-conscious about that, and you brush the damp curls of hair out of his face to press a kiss to his forehead. "Doesn't matter," you smile softly. "Just matters that it's you."

That more than anything, makes him relax. Marcus kisses you, forgetting that he had promised to use his tongue on you as he shifts and covers your body with his. “So fucking beautiful.” He groans.

"All for you, baby," you promise him, knowing that nothing in the damn universe could pull you out of this man's bed now that you're here.

He doesn’t rush. Instead, settling between your thighs is a slow affair. He’s not some teenager that needs to be inside you, although the ache has built up to almost painful. Instead he kisses you as his hand slides between your bodies so he can position himself at your core and his eyes watch yours as he slowly starts to sheath himself in your welcoming body.

You feel like you're holding your breath as he presses into you, filling you up inch by gorgeous inch, but it's the low moan reverberating in your chest and the thick cock slowly splitting you open that gives you the feeling of breathlessness. Marcus isn't in a hurry and neither are you. With your foreheads pressed together and sounds of pleasure coming from both of you, the room around you has dissolved and narrowed your reality down to just him.

“Holy shit.” Marcus’s arms are trembling by the time he is buried to the hilt and he swears that he can’t breathe. The sexy and playful moment turns serious and he can’t do anything more than to press his lips tenderly to yours again while he tries to give you time to adjust before he moves.

He pulls back, rolling his hips away from you as slowly as he had punished them forward, and you gasp into his kiss when he drives into you again - slightly faster but not with anything approaching speed. A languid pace gives you both time to find a rhythm together and your lips only leave his to kiss and nip along his jaw line while he moans in your ear.

He closes his eyes as he languidly rocks into you. Keeping the pace steady. “When you’re ready, let me know.” He murmurs slowly, feeling the exquisite pleasure of your walls squeezing him. “I want to hear you scream my name tonight.”

"More, baby." He knows damn well that you're not above begging, and your tone is borderline pleading even without needing to be. All you know is that you want to be completely overwhelmed by him. "Fuck, I-- please, Marcus, want you so bad."

“W-wrap your legs around me.” Marcus groans out, pushing to his elbows and grins at you. “And hang on.”

Curiosity has you following his instruction as much as anything else, and you shift under him just enough to have your ankles meet at the small of his back. Your hands grasping at his arms and shoulders will have to be enough to ‘hang on’ like you’ve been told.

He hums, pleased by your willingness to comply and he grins at you, devilish as he winks. “Now tell me if I need to slow down.” He says before he withdraws again and snaps his hips forward.

“Fuck!” Slow and steady is apparently not Marcus’s preferred pace, as he begins to pound into you with stamina that could only come from a Heroic. If his goal is really to have you screaming his name, you have a feeling it won’t take very long at all.

Grunting, Marcus reaches up to grab the headboard so it doesn’t beat against the wall. Forgetting that he had removed the spacers so it didn’t the last time he had rearranged the room. There hadn’t been any need for them for a long time. Now he just moans as your fingers dig into his shoulder blades as he keeps hammering into you.

The little crescent moon marks your nails are sure to leave behind don't seem to phase him in the least. Every thrust feels like he's splitting you open for the first time all over again, spearing into you until your head is thrown back on his pillows and you have one hand braced again the headboard so you don't hit your head with the way he's fucking you into the mattress.

“J-Jesus.” He hisses. “K-know how many times I-I imagined this?” He demands, pushing the air out of your lungs with every harsh roll of his hips. “Nearly every f-fucking day.”

"Me -- oh fuck -- too." It's as much as you can do to string a few words together right now and you keen when he drives into you again.

Every time his cock hits the spongy walls of your cunt, you moan for him. Making him ramp up his pace to near frantic and all he can do is pant out your name between breaths.

It hits you like a freight train when that second orgasm comes, without any chance to give him warning or do anything except cry his name into the night, the sound reverberating off the walls with the wet slap on skin on skin as Marcus fucks you through your peak with your cunt clenching down on him like a velvet fist.

“F-fuck, good girl.” Marcus moans, closing his eyes and thanking the Gods that he managed to last long enough for you to be able to cum. “Shit, baby.” He covers your mouth once more for a desperate kiss as he rocks into you half a dozen more times before he plunges deep and pulses inside you, the liquid heat of his pleasure filling you up.

He swallows your moans as he empties himself inside you, and when both of you breathe again it's with brilliant smiles on your faces even though all eyes stay closed for a long moment afterward. When you do open your eyes, you press soft kisses along his jaw and cheeks, finally dusting a few on his lips. "Holy shit," you giggle quietly, chest still heaving as you pant.

His quiet laugh matches yours in breathlessness and he nods. “What you said.” He huffs, deciding the thing to do would be to collapse against you and tuck his head into your neck to snuggle and breathe you on.

You wrap your arms around him, legs going slack as you both just sink down into his mattress together as one. "Hell of a first date," you chuckle, kissing his shoulder where you've left marks behind.

“Mmmhmm.” His smirk is pleased and tired against your neck. “When I can move again, I’ll run you a bath and get us some water.” He murmurs.

"If we don't both fall asleep first." It wouldn't bother you for a second if that's what happened. Passing out after sex with Marcus still inside you is high on the fantasy list.

“How do you know what I’m trying not to do?” Marcus grumbles playfully at you, kissing your pulse softly.

"Cause it's what I'm trying not to do," you giggle against his skin. "That's a hell of a workout."

“Yes it was.” His softening cock twitches inside you and he giggles slightly, feeling euphoric. “I’m very glad you aren’t my student anymore.”

______ Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @katheriner1999 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @hardc0rehaylz @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 

My Masterlist!

[ekkoh]

15 Questions and 15 Mutuals

literally LOSING MY MIND that i was tagged in this 😭 thank you @outer-edges

Were you named after anyone?

no, but my older brother told me i was named after a vacuum cleaner brand and i believed that for a couple years. 💀

When was the last time you cried?

today!! i cried over the end of nimona. one thing you should know about me is that children’s animated movies are constantly destroying me. (see: puss in boots 2, both spiderverse movies, the sea beast, fantastic mr. fox, i can keep going—)

Do you have kids?

nope! no nieces or nephews either. idk what i’m gonna do when i become an aunt bc i don’t know how to talk to kids. 😭 i feel like kristen stewart in that snl duolingo for kids sketch.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

not online but i feel like A LOT in person. maybe too much.

What's the first thing you notice about people?

this is weird but… hair color? where i live, natural brunettes are dwindling because everyone’s dying their hair blonde. 😭 whenever i meet a natural brunette in the wild i always feel an instant kinship. we are bonded for life. we can never dye our hair.

What's your eye color?

blue!! i’m irrationally proud of it because my entire family has brown eyes. i’m cool. i’m ~different.~

Scary movies or happy endings?

HAPPY ENDINGS!!!! this is because i don’t watch scary movies, ever. any movie that is slightly “scary” is off-limits bc i am a huge coward. i can’t even watch the nightmare before christmas.💀

Any special talents?

i’m really good at hitting all the best rides at disneyland without waiting in lines longer than 15 minutes. it’s an art form that i’ve mastered.

Where were you born?

CALIFORNIA!!!! (california gurls we’re unforgettable)

What are your hobbies?

i love creating incredibly specific playlists for incredibly specific emotions. i collect pins!! one of my prized possessions is a limited edition tangled pin. i also like to write fic, although real ones know i only write it in my head because i’m always disappointed by my skill when i actually type it out. 💀

Have any pets?

an orange cat named winston! not from new girl, i just thought it was a cute name. he is my light and my life, and yes, he is dumb.

What sports did you play/have you played?

i did jazz and hip-hop as a kid, i was a cheerleader (backspot) for one year lol, and i played volleyball (middle) for two years. i sucked at everything. i’m not athletic. 😭😭

How tall are you?

my government height is 5’6.5” but i like to tell people 5’7” because it’s a neater number. 💀 my height is actually one thing about me that i love. i’m on the tall side but not super tall, y’know? great for concerts. i can see the stage but i’m not feeling guilty bc i don’t block other people’s views.

Favorite subject in school?

ENGLISH NATION RISE UP!! i was the kind of girl that everyone hated in english class bc i was always commenting in discussions. also, not to brag (i’m bragging) but i always got the highest scores on essays.

Dream job?

this sounds stupid bc i literally worked at a dinosaur museum and then quit because it sucked but. i want to be a museum tour guide because i love teaching people about things i’m obsessed with. not a dinosaur guide though. i hate dinosaurs. (sorry to the dinosaur kids)

no pressure tag @sotvtaughtmehowtofeel (if you’ve already done this i am so sorry don’t look at me i would be so embarrassed)

[adultswim2021]

The Venture Bros. #29: “Shadowman 9: In the Cradle Of Destiny” | June 1, 2008 - 11:30PM | S03E01

The Venture Brothers are back! And we only had to wait over a year and a half between seasons. 

I personally like to consider seasons 1-4 to be “classic” Venture, with "Operation: P.R.O.M." being the series' peak. This season is maybe my least favorite out of those four seasons. Maybe that’s because this is the first season I ever actually anticipated. I didn’t really get into the show until season two was midway through, so this season was doomed to let me down for that reason. 

I do believe the show started getting too far up it’s own ass beginning with this season. The main story of this episode is about the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend being interrogated by the Council of 13 as a pretense to give us a shitload of flashbacks, many of which revolve around previous episode references. A real “for the fans” affair. I thought the show was really strong during the first two seasons, which had a nice balance of episodic stories while dipping into lore-laden character story arcs.

I don’t really want to go beat-by-beat with the plot here, but I’ll try to sum it up in a way that makes sense. This one picks up where the last one leaves off. Dr. Girlfriend has revealed something to the Monarch. The writing fails the show a little bit here, because the reveal I guess is she said something to the effect of “I’ve applied ourselves for duoship with the Guild of Calamitous Intent” which isn’t exactly punchy. I remember re-watching that episode and thinking that what she told him was somehow still a mystery; it’s not super clear that what’s happening in this episode is an answer to that mystery.

Primarily what’s happening in this one is, The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend have been violently taken from their honeymoon and brought to the Council of 13, who hold the newlyweds captive (separately, at first). They go through The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend’s pasts; showing how they met, and examining whether or not they are worthy of being made “official” in the eyes of the Guild. We learn that the Monarch has been operating outside the system, and that he began his life of villainy without going through the proper channels. 

We also see a little bit of how those proper channels operate. We see Dr. Girlfriend, then known as Lady Au Pair, get assigned to Phantom Limb, after being presented with several manufactured and pre-packaged backstories and character themes. This stuff can be reasonably funny and world-buildy, but the whole bureaucracy aspect of the Guild is one of the more joyless aspects of the show. It’s meant to be a source of conflict for The Monarch, who doesn’t like playing by the rules, so I accept it. But it’s essentially the same comedic take an SNL sketch would use, and that comparison makes me uneasy. 

We learn that The Monarch was once a henchman for Phantom Limb, that Henchman 24 was actually also a henchman with The Monarch. The Monarch was Shadowman #9, hence the title. The Monarch falls for the future Dr. Girlfriend, but she’s creeped out by him. Shadowman #9 becomes the Monarch to fast track his rising in the ranks in the world of super villainy, but also to win the heart of the future Dr. Girlfriend and steal her away from Phantom Limb. He didn’t clear any of this with the guild, which is a no-no.

We also learn some other things, like the Monarch being the one who blew up the science lab when Dr. Venture was in college. This is the explosion that blew off Baron Underbheit’s jaw. We also expand on a brief flashback from “I know why the Caged Bird Kills”, where we see Myra beating the shit out of The Monarch after a failed ambush on Venture compound.

The B-story is the Moppets have taken over The Monarch’s henchmen. They rebel because of the Moppet’s uncouth nature, but they prove to be impossibly tough and hard to best in a physical confrontation. Their leadership is ultimately constructive, as he gets the henchmen and others to rebuild the Monarch’s cocoon. 24 gets knifed by the Moppets after dumping a cooler of Gatorade on them. In the coming episodes we see him recuperating. Most of the promos should have included clips of him recuperating. COMING UP ON THE NEXT VENTURE BROS: 24 RECUPERATES. Why didn't they do that?

The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend are granted their duoship. In a post-credits scene, we see a current-day Phantom Limb kill a retired Mighty Manotaur, getting revenge based on a lie the Monarch tells. So, Phantom Limb survived the previous season, now with a mechanical arm. The Manotaur is said to be MIA in a later episode, and here's why. "Nobody retires from the Phantom Limb's shit list" is a great line. Hopefully you're watching this on blu-ray, which is uncensored. I don't know what I would do if there was some kind of barrier between me and some cuss words on a cartoon show.

This episode revels in lore while giving the show more stuff to speculate about. The Council of 13 are all portrayed in shadow, offering a potential for some kind of big reveal. The commentary track reveals that they’re all just the silhouettes of pre-existing characters with extra modifications. They aren’t meant to be identified as those characters, though; it was just a way to quickly “design” new characters. There’s also a scene where the Monarch charms the future Dr. Girlfriend at a Phantom Limb party by telling her a story about Captain Sunshine’s weapon malfunctioning, causing the good Captain to believe that The Monarch is invulnerable. This serves as the explanation for a scene a full season later when they confront one another on screen.

A lot of the humor in this one feels like an afterthought. The scenes with the Council of 13 especially feel like they’re just adding splashes of humor to an info dump. The character stuff is on point, though, and there are a few laughs. Henchman 21 suggesting that the Moppets might go double-Villechaize is a dark, funny reference to Hervé Villechaize’s real-life suicide. The jokes about what the Council do and don’t have video footage of is fun, especially the reveal that they had to change the music coming out of the Monarch’s stereo when he gets it on with the future Dr. Girlfriend (it’s heavily implied that it was supposed to be a Sugarcubes song). 

The commentary track, which was recorded before season four, reveals that the title of the episode is Jackson and Doc’s favorite so-far. The original title included the phrase “Rise of the Usurper”. There’s also a lot of Eiger Sanction discussion. They also concede that this episode is especially pieced-together, “but it works”. I agree that overall this works, but it does suffer. Doc Hammer gleefully spoils the end of the season for those stupid enough to watch the commentary before finishing the whole season, which is rude!

I think a smarter thing to do would have been to either make this an hour-long episode by sandwiching the lore-dumps between scenes of an actual fun and more typical adventure story. Or, they should have played two episodes back-to-back on premiere night. I remember feeling like this was less of a season premiere. It feels like they're setting the table, and the actual meal hasn't started yet. Eventually Adult Swim started producing little videos that summed up the important story beats from previous seasons before the premiere of the next, and this episode most resembles one of those videos. It’s all technically stuff we’ve never seen before, but you can’t help feel the clip-showiness of it all. But it’s still Venture Brothers, and that’s nice.

MAIL BAG

Dear Adult Swim 2021, I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to inform you that I have initiated legal proceedings against you, and this letter serves as formal notice of the lawsuit filed against you. Enclosed with this letter are the necessary documents related to the case. Please review them carefully.

WHAT!? Why!?? What did I ever fucking do to you??? Tell me at once.

[newsworth]

     @tahitiwoke said:   five times kissed 🔪🔪 but maybe platonic besties 🔪🔪 or maybe not 🔪🔪

one.    of all the ways for them to make their snl debut,  this wouldn’t be chris’s first choice.   there’s fleeting moments that tease towards a bit more sophisticated humor and chris catches himself fighting a smile once or twice,   but it’s primarily meant to be an on the nose commentary on claire hale leading what kate mckinnon dressed as a reporter refers to as “ most operatically horny display in politics since the clinton administration, “  with overdrawn silences made less silent by the rousing laughter of the audience as the sexual tension builds in time with the music.  

the tightly framed close ups of suggestive looks amount to the guest star who’s meant to be phil  ( what he lacks in resemblance he makes up for with the same enthusiasm he’d brought to his lip sync battle,  which chris had thought done britney some real justice )  grabbing colin jost by a tie that chris would have never worn on his neck in real life ,   and ...    

“  wow.  “   chris’s voice startles the trio of chuckling interns into slamming down on the space bar of the keyboard and pausing the youtube clip of the sketch right as they start to see some tongue.   “  they’re really going for it.  “   the three of them turn,  red faced and apologizing throughout the coughing fit that had become of their laughter,  just in time to catch phil’s approach at chris’s shoulder.    “  hey.   you catch this?  “   chris says to him and watches every stage of grief pass across the each of the interns face as they part to make space for phil’s looming figure to lean in towards the computer screen.   a few moments pass before the chief of staff says anything,   and when he does,  it’s only to complain:   that guy doesn’t look anything like me. 

two.    “  holy shit!  “   chris’s hand took what slack it could find at the front of phil’s shirt and wound it tightly into his fist.   it’s a one hander,  a downcourt hail mary that sinks the net at the last stroke of midnight.   the sound of the buzzer through the tv is eclipsed by the uproar of that becomes of the bar.

now,   phil doesn’t give as much of a shit about basketball,  and chris is mindful enough of that to feel a little grateful that his truimph is enough to propel them both off of their barstools.  his smile catches the apple of phil’s cheek with a celebratory smack as peanut shells rain down like wedding rice.

three.  there’s a prickliness in phil’s broody mumbling that is usually reserved for things that fall under the claire and i had a fight category,   which chris has expressed in the past is hard for him to be entirely objective about so there’s just shit phil doesn’t bring up to him.  shit that chris doesn’t feel secure enough in their friendship to run the risk of repeating that two week long freeze out by prying after.   

whatever it was this time had phil’s near drunken deadweight hanging off of chris’s side in a way that was painfully awkward with their height disparity.   they’d barely made it through chris’s front door and the trek from the foyer to the bedroom felt miles long.  one step down,  twenty more to go,  and phil’s body was already swaying its weight onto his outside foot,  almost sending them into the console table where chris had just deposited his keys.  

“  you have to work with me here,  phil.  “    chris said.   

phil straightened his spine and shaded his brow under a two finger salute before using the full extent of his ungodly fucking height to survey the area.  “  this isn’t my place.  “   “  nothing gets past you.  “   chris bent down to help phil step out of his shoes.   “  mine was closer.  “   there was a turning point where phil stopped being consoled by the top gun soundtrack and got fussier the longer he had to sit in the car,   so chris made an executive decision.  there was some back and forth about whether or not phil was going to let chris offer him the bed that got settled by chris having to swear on someone’s grave  ( he gets the feeling that phil just picked a name,  any name,  because they don’t have a tonya in common )   that he really did like sleeping on his own couch.   then,  mercifully,   phil planted face first into the mattress.  at first it seemed as though he fell asleep in that same instant,  but then he groaned at the sound of chris’s wastebasket sliding across the floor towards the head of the bed.   “  i won’t throw up.  “  “  just don’t do it on my bed.  “    “  i will not throw up.  “    “  i believe you.  “   that doesn’t even sound true to chris’s own ears.   “  bathrooms through that door.  “   something phil already knows,  but a reminder can’t hurt.   “  there’s water and an aspirin on the nightstand.   i’ll be up for a while.  come get me if you need something.  “   he’s almost out the bedroom door.   “  chris?  “   phil lifts himself up onto his arms and turns to look at chris from over his shoulder. “  yeah?  “ they sit there for a moment,  phil’s expression softly obscured under the darkness but with one eye narrowing against the glow of the street light coming in from the window.  chris waits,  and he realizes he might wait all night if phil needed him to even if he would never let phil do the same for him.  what he gets in return for his patience is phil’s sloppy grin turning into an air kiss,  a wink.

that was a little too cute for chris not to grin back.  he catches the kiss with one hand and tucks the gesture in his back pocket with a wink of his own before turning the light back off.   “  sleep tight,  maverick.  “   “  g’night,  goose.  “ you shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.  even after he closes the door,  chris can hear him humming into the pillow.   too much love drives a man insane.   four.   "  what is it about your attraction to phil coulson that makes you uncomfortable?  “ dr. garrick is stoutly built.   his face has aged into a perpetual frown of intense contemplation over a set of deep set eyes that glister with their acquired intelligence and curiosity for more,   and he’s been chris’s therapist since the shooting in dallas a few years ago.   something about garrick reminds chris of his grandfather,  a man he’s never met in the flesh and only knows through the stories told by his mother from before she’d run away from home.   connecting with a therapist is not something that came very easily to him.   it was a great deal of trial and error for garrick and him get to the point where they are now. “  when i say attraction ...     i’m not speaking of a strictly sexual,   or physical attraction at all.  “   garrick clarifies with a wave of his hand.   “  the ...    incident you’re describing sounds a little more complicated than that.  “ the panic attack had come out of nowhere.  in the dark of his office he’d found the empty cave he’d made of the back of cassidy’s head,   claire’s face slack and empty through a stain glass mosaic of blood and bone,   only she couldn’t see him back.   the air was no good and sour as it left his lungs in scatters until phil set his hand on chris’s chest and willed his breathing towards a measure of five beats with the low steadiness of his voice.   cassidy’s been dead for almost two years.   he doesn’t know why the image of him had suddenly come back like that,  or what had warmly turned his mind away from that lapse in reality when phil settled him with a stare.   some of the details had to rearranged in his admission to garrick,  obviously,  but chris was better at omission than he had been before he took the job at the white house. 

the couch in garrick’s office reminds chris of the one he has in his living room at home.  the yield of the leather is right at that sweet spot that he appreciates but getting comfortable still feels like something he’s having to talk himself into.   as the moments continue to pass without much of anything offered from chris’s side of the room,   garrick shifts in his chair,   resting his hand on the knee that crosses over the other.   the notepad he uses is a ridiculously tiny thing that fits entirely in his palm.   one of those richly green,  tactical notebooks that doesn’t hold more than a hundred sheets,  and chris has only seen him write anything inside it a handful of times.

“  hearing you talk about it,   i’m reminded of..    other times you’ve expressed a struggle to identify the,   um ...   i think you described it as the thrill of your own vulnerability,  the intention behind it.  “ chris becomes reminded of them too,  even before garrick recalls them aloud.   “  the nature of your relationship with audrey shifted quite ...   dramatically,  because you had allowed her further into your life when you felt no judgement from her for your relapse.   we haven’t discussed it very much but i think you had a similar experience with your friend,   grace?  “

“  i’ve never wanted to sleep with grace.  “  giving garrick claire’s real name wasn’t an option when they started to broach certain discussions that fell outside of the realm of the assassination attempt,  and he was obviously quite limited in his ability to be perfectly candid about how much deeper their relationship ran than what was easily explainable.   easy isn’t the point of therapy.   he knows that.   garrick knew as much as chris felt he could safely tell him and still yield what he considered to be useable results. “  keep in mind that a desire for intimacy doesn’t start or stop at sex,   chris,   but grace is another situation where you were drawn to the security of having not been rejected for having allowed yourself to be seen in a certain light that you don’t typically afford to people.  “   again,   chris falls silent,  pensively chewing on the inside of his cheek as though that was where he was meant to find the truth inside that morsel of thought,  so garrick continues.   “  it may be difficult to make that distinction if most other times you’ve faced a situation like this has been with someone who had those certain expectations of you afterwards,   the way audrey did.   but i think that’s a fairer estimation of what you’re struggling with,   here.  “   

he knows how much garrick hates to be the one doing all the talking during these sessions,   how counterproductive it is to the whole point and moreso a waste of three hundred dollars for the hour,   so chris clears his throat.  “  that makes sense.  “   he scratches at a phantom itch of the word seen where it sits just behind his ear.   “  it was just ...   it felt really intimate.   when we locked eyes.  “   

“  that’s not surprising.   you’re familiar with the expression that the eyes are the window to the soul.  i like to consider how the optic nerves serve as something of a natural extension of the brain.  that when two people are capable of looking at each other while willingly stripping themselves of their private defenses,   it’s something like ...   a kiss between two minds.   a very vulnerable experience.  “   

with a look,  garrick reminds him of the rarity of chris allowing himself that experience.   the clock on the guitar pick table clicks to indicate that they only have a few minutes left of their session,  which is usually when garrick prefers to turn the conversation towards a lighter mood so that chris doesn’t leave the office with a tremendous weight over his head.

“  phil sounds like he’s a good friend,   when you let him be.  “ 

that’s why you called me and not the cops. 

“  he is.  “

five.   “  as always i’ve got chris,  meech,  and scott.  “   says phil from behind him.  chris turns just in time to catch a bounce pass and tucks the ball under his arm.   the sun hangs directly over their heads so their shadows don’t stretch very far across the asphalt.  one of the interns who they can always count on being goaded into a game of pick up puts enough stretch into his lunge to make chris smile despite how unwell he feels.  “  i think i’m gonna sit this one out.  “   he says and passes the ball back to phil.   waves off the look of interest he meets on ed’s face.   “  its hot.  i’m tired.  “  there had been a brief discussion earlier in the day about how little sleep chris had gotten the night before.   that may be why phil doesn’t fight him.

“  you can be our cheerleader.  “   phil says.  “  shame you don’t still have the skirt.  “

“  what makes you think i don’t have the skirt?  “    phil pauses mid jump shot,  and chris meets his eye from over the textured curve of the basketball.   “  don’t toy with me,  brady.  “  chris blows back that kiss he’d been saving in his back pocket.   phil takes one hand off the basketball to catch it in mid air with a wink and uses it put a little umph into the three pointer that the intern makes a comment about it absolutely not counting.  

[nobody-xalidin8]

A is for Aquaman

A while back I worked for a comic book review website called Do You Even Comic Book that renamed itself Comics Horizon and lasted around a year. From my limited perspective the site was forged out of a movement of people from Twitter that wanted to combat the growing Comicsgate movement. To have a real voice amongst the hate, I mostly just wrote reviews. I made a lot of short lived but impactful relationships with those strangers on the internet. I don’t talk to any of them anymore, but that’s just because I’m an anti-social autistic person that struggles with people he knows in person. So, if I’m gonna start this blog I wanna thank them before I get started.

When I would get stressed out or overstimulated as a kid, I would say the alphabet in DC comics characters. A is for Aquaman, B is for Batman, C is for Catwoman, etcetera. Now I’m the sort of guy that loves Marvel, DC, and any other comic indie or mainstream that I think is good, but for the life of me I couldn’t do the alphabet in anything other than DC characters. At least, not on the spot. So, I thought why not do a blog about DC characters and since Twitter seems to be dying thanks to Elon Musk I thought I’d try here on Reddit. I considered Tumblr, but that never clicked for me and Reddit seems to operate in a way I can vaguely comprehend so here we are.

I also wrote some articles on that website, mostly lists and conversations between me and other wordsmiths, that was our working title by the way, which was awesome. One of these was for the upcoming Aquaman movie. I don't think it ever saw the light of day, but I wrote a little thought piece titled “Why do we laugh at a Man that talks to Fish?” Based on the notion that I thought there was no sensible reason people laughed at Aquaman. Granted, like most superheroes, he’s not sensible by design.

Aquaman was created by Mort Weisinger and Paul Nortis to imitate the Timely Comics character Namor, the Sub-Mariner. A lot of comic book characters were imitations of other comic book characters back then, in fact a lot of characters are imitations in one way or another. I don’t think that makes them unoriginal. As Aquaman would very much become.

Now as many of you may know comic book canon is an ever changing and shifting thing. What was true one story could be untrue by the next issue. That said, here’s the baseline of Aquaman’s origin in the modern age. Arthur Curry is the son of a lighthouse keeper with strange powers, in reality he is half-human half-Atlantean and heir to the throne of Atlantis. He becomes a superhero that protects the seven seas against such threats as the pirate Black Manta, his evil half-brother Ocean Master, the fifth dimensional imp Qwsp, and the deadly assassin Mera that would later become his wife and mother to his child. He was also a founding member of the Justice League where a lot of the best or at least most consistent portrayals of the character take place.

Now that’s not the whole story and there’s a lot of other versions and a lot of weirder stuff. Aquaman is a victim of this ever changing mythology of comics. His appearance, personality, and narrative have changed harshly with the shifting of creative teams over the years. This was mostly due to the fact that despite being well known, he was never a very popular character. Because people saw him as silly.

Aquaman was a joke that people saw parodied in cartoons, SNL sketches, and offhanded comments in years. The common denominator of this joke being the fact that he could talk to fish. As if commanding a shark to strike isn’t cool or terrifying, if that’s the issue why are we terrified of the movie Jaws?

The short answer is presentation, Aquaman, like a lot of Golden Age comic characters, was ridiculous. Batman was too back in the day, but he grew out of that, got a serious take that helped the character grow out of the funny. Not that there’s anything wrong with funny, Adam West’s Batman is arguably the best and even Kevin Conroy’s portrayal in the animated series had a good bit of humor. The problem was people weren’t laughing with Aquaman, they were laughing at him, for no reason.

Thankfully the success of Jason Mania’s Aquaman helped give the character some structure and the King of Atlantis got a good run in the comics starting in the ill fated New 52 relaunch, that was a mixed success. Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis, as well as other phenomenal creative teams, guided the character in the pages as James Wan guided him on the big screen. This has lead to the most consistent Aquaman to date, but this might not last because the Aquaman movie will be hurt by the Amber Heard trial, which is only her fault, and sucks. Plus he’s currently “dead” during the Dark Crisis event so who knows how the character will land is a mystery. We’ll like see more of Jackson Hyde as Aquaman, who Young Justice fans may know as Kaldur. Which would be awesome.

Well that’s the most I can ramble about Aquaman for a sec, except when I was looking into where we first started laughing at the character it was during Super Friends. People thought his swimming animation was silly, which is weird because they thought the flying was cool and it was the same thing just out of the water. He also talked to fish, but that always looked cool to me.

[wizzard890]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when books or movies are like "what if it’s the past but with things like selfies and shutter shades and yas queen" and don't....have anything to say with that. I’m not talking about comedies, I’m talking about historical anachronisms that get deployed in dramas. 

Like, this is a stylistic choice, and thanks to things like Hamilton, it’s one that’s becoming more and more common, so I get all sorts of opportunities to think about why some examples are so shallow and annoying, and why others work so well. 

I think of it as the difference between Sophia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette - an enormously sensitive and successful example! - and the Broadway musical Six, which is the poster child for “doing an anachronism to make the Notorious RBG crowd cheer”. 

In Six, Anne Boleyn is portrayed as a ditzy party girl who didn’t think anything could touch her until something manifestly did. She’s not into politics or long-term plots, she just wants to fuck around and have a good time. The creators cast her as a dumb popular chick in way over her head. 

Now, do I find that an enormously boring take on Anne Boleyn? Obviously. But the real question is why have they chosen these specific anachronisms? The phone, describing her letters with King Henry as “texting” and “replies”. It’s a sort of SNL take on history, lazily swapping courtier with influencer; her “lol”s and “sorry not sorry”s don’t bring you any closer to the emotional truth of her situation. 

(And before you say “but Six is a comedy!” it’s a: not really, and b: a musical that contains a harrowing song* about a woman’s experience of being sexually assaulted as a child, and then again at multiple points throughout her life**, so I do feel they had the range, had they chosen to reach for it.)

Dramatic anachronism, when employed well, gives us touch points to recognize. It renders a world that may feel alien as legible to a modern audience, who come in with their own associations and biases. And so the best anachronisms are specific.

“Wouldn’t it be kind of funny if Anne Boleyn was a party girl because she was a big deal in court and everyone had hard opinions on her?” That’s a sketch idea, not a thoughtful deployment of anachronism to deepen an audience’s understanding of what’s happening in front of them. 

Contrast with this famous shot from Sophia Coppola’s 2006 movie Marie Antoinette. 

Now, what is the point of those Chuck Taylors? What do they communicate to an audience, especially in the mid-aughts? What do they think of when they think of out of touch rich girls who spend all their time shopping and drinking and spoiling their little dogs and wearing pastel colored high tops? Oh right:

The movie is not asking: what if Anne Boleyn was sort of like a girl who shops at Revolve? It’s not even asking: what if Marie Antoinette was a girl like you, who probably owns high tops?

It’s asking, directly: what if Paris Hilton, someone you all already hate, with her baggage and inadequacy and shallowness and mean-spiritedness and humanity and probably genuine unhappiness -- what if she had an angry, starving, justified mob at her door, who blame her for something that is, in part, her fault. Would you feel sorry for her? I mean, people chase her around all the time in real life, and make her miserable, and she’s starving herself to death in front of us and everyone calls her a slut and an idiot. And maybe she, Paris Hilton, is an idiot. Anyway, focus on the screen: should this gluttonous, unprepared, wasteful, shallow Austrian woman be tormented unto her ultimate demise for being an idiot? 

That’s what successful, thoughtful anachronism does. It asks you to make connections between yourself and the past, your social impulses and the things that governed people long dead. It wants to help you recognize the ways that we are different and how in others we never change. 

It’s a powerful tool when employed directly, and I think it’s a huge bummer that writers rarely seem to understand that. 

--

*All You Wanna Do is the only number in the show that actually works, because they use the tee-hee pop princess conceit to pull the rug out from under you and reveal something genuinely horrible.

**Six has a tone problem. 

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

#when the hell did ‘men mourning women after they die’ become proof of fridging?

#like i should sure HOPE men who were close to women mourn them after they die

#the entire point of pyrrha’s death leaving a void in jnr is that she was a strong enough character to leave that void to begin with#that her loss is something that can never be scabbed over or ignored and that hangs over the whole series

#it wasn’t cheap man pain it was the next generation watching the solitary hero myth die in front of them and that is what will save them

I think it was pop culture that made it the case, mixed with overzealous, ill-informed reactions by new people who don’t fully understand the original context and make no effort to, and perpetuate a version that distorts the original purpose until only the pop culture version remains.

Honestly yes. I believe it was Gail Simone who first pointed out how tacky it was to show the hero's love interest into a fridge for cheap narrative tension and how often women's pain and abuse is treated as worse for the man next to her than herself (I can't help but remember that one Sandra Oh SNL sketch where she acts like the men's problems are worse than hers even while she's getting shot).

But that's the problem, it was taking down a misogynistic viewpoint where men treat actual real women as side characters to their own narrative, and how that viewpoint bleeds into stories. Stories are not real life, they usually have a hierarchy of protagonist-deuteragonist-supporting character-bit character etc. with relative importance to the story. A character dying for the protagonist isn't bad, it's the idea that men are protagonists and women are side characters who only matter as far as they affect men. Since it's reflected in our stories, it's good that we challenge that concept in our stories, but it's not mandatory, and the trope of “side character dies for protagonist” itself isn’t misogynistic simply because other stories use it in a misogynistic way.

[madeofitzits]

In honor of the impending return of Brooklyn 99, here are 99 reasons that...

1. He was precocious enough to know, at 5 years old, that he wanted to change his name (x)

 2. He has a bunch of nicknames: Sandy Amberg, Young Sandwich, etc. but the most endearing one is 'Droidy', his family's name for him (x) 

3. He is still super close friends with people he's known since: Elementary School (Chelsea Peretti) (x)...

4. Junior High/High School (Kiv and Jorm) (x) 

5. … Summer Camp (Irene Neuwirth) (x)

7.  ...and Film School (Chester Tam) (x)

8. Before he met Joanna, he dated other famous ladies but - out of respect - he never discussed it/them (x) 

9. He loves turtles and tortoises. When he was a kid, he had a pet turtle that he named 'Squirt' because the first time he held it, it peed on him. His Mom, Margie, accidentally killed Squirt when Andy was at Summer camp... (x)

10. … Maybe this is why, when shooting 'Popstar', Andy fell hard for Maximus (Conner 4 Real's turtle). He says they "had a good thing going" and that he wanted to adopt him. In the end, he decided against it because there are a bunch of coyotes in his neighborhood and he was worried the little guy wouldn't be safe. (Popstar: DVD Commentary)

11. Speaking of his Mom, despite being a super private person, he appeared on 'Finding your Roots' so that he could help her track down her birth family (x)

12. When he succeeded he cried (although we never got to see it on camera) (x)

13. That's because, like all good boys, he loves his Mama which is why - as part of the same episode - he said "My mom is basically the kindest person I know… and many people would corroborate that" (x)

14. Andy's Sisters, Hannie (Johanna) and Darrow, used to make him wear diapers and put his hair in pigtails until he was 5 years old. He says he didn't mind because he just liked that they were paying attention to him (x)

15. That's why he sees his identity in comedy as being 'America's kid brother'. When he was young, he would annoy his sisters until they laughed and he claims to have been replicating that approach to entertainment ever since

16. Although a bunch of his characters have 'Daddy Issues', Andy definitely doesn't. He's super close with his Papa (Joe) and has said "he's a good man" and "the best Dad in the world" (x) 

17. Joe was Andy's youth soccer coach and in one scene in 'Hot Rod', Joe's favorite photograph can be seen in the background. It shows a very young Andy posing with a soccer ball, after "scoring the winning goal against Mersey" (x)

18. He's been a loyal Golden State Warriors fan since he was a little kid, living in Oakland (then Berkeley) and, in 2010, he correctly predicted that they would "win a Championship in my lifetime" (x) 

19. The proceeds from his Umami Burger ('The Samburger') went to a deafness early detection program in Berkeley. This cause is close to his heart because Margie uses hearing aids and used to work in the special needs program, teaching deaf kids (x)

20. He, Kiv, and Jorm have made multiple donations to their old school district, including $250 000 to its theater program (x)

21. On the subject of The Lonely Island; Andy always goes out of his way to make sure that everyone knows how much he owes to his buddies. For instance, he told Marc Maron, during his WTF appearance, that "I get a lot of credit for what Kiv and Jorm have done" (x)

22. He makes this face when he knows he’s said something naughty…

(Gif credit: @andrewsambags)

23. During his 'Wild Horses' appearance, he said that he can't watch scary movies because they freak him out too much. He told 'Complex' that he's still scared of 'The Shining' (x)...

24. … Similarly, when he was at UC Santa Cruz he worked at the Del Mar movie theater and he had a hard time coping with screenings of 'Species 2' (x)

25. He fell in love with Joanna, the moment he met her, when she greeted him by addressing him as 'Steve the C**t' (x)

 26. He listened to 'Ys', everyday for a year, before he and Joanna started dating (x)

27. He bought the original portrait that was used as the basis of the cover art for 'Ys' and gave it to Joanna as a Christmas present, so that she could hang it in her music room (x)

 28. He loves birds and goes hiking and birding with Joanna (x)

 29. Every new comment he makes about Joanna becomes an instant contender for 'most beautiful thing a person has ever said about their spouse' (x)

30. For example, he readily admits that Jake's iconic heart eyes are the result of him thinking about his amazing wife (x)

31. There are many stories about how incredibly romantic Andy and Joanna's wedding was and Jorm has said that it featured "the most magical vows I've ever heard" (x)

32. The Newsombergs now live in Charlie Chaplin's old house (x)

33. On the Emmys Red Carpet (2015), the year he hosted, they took a momentary break from posing for the world's press to whisper 'I love you' to each other (x)

34. At last year's Vanity Fair party, Andy carried Joanna's purse for her so she could grab a snack (x)

35. He was a semi-permanent fixture in the audience for her recent run of shows for the 'Strings/Keys Incident' tour, even officially confirming his status as the 'President of her Fan Club' (x)

36. He used his Golden Globes monologue to call out the government for framing and murdering the Black Panthers (x)

37. On the Carpet for the Guy's Choice Awards, he called the event "a ridiculous farce", adding that "men already have it so easy - it's insane that there's a show that celebrates them". That makes sense when you consider that he, Kiv and Jorm have made an entire career out of parodying toxic masculinity (x)

38. He once said that only "idiot-ass men" think that women aren't funny (x)

39. He’s been wearing glasses since 7th Grade and he has the most heartbreakingly cute habit of nudging them up his nose, (especially when he wears his Sol Moscot frames) (x)...

40. ... and of rubbing his eyes under them (x)

41. He barely ever wears glasses for roles but he also avoids contacts (because he doesn't like touching his eyeballs) which means he's almost always 'acting blind' (x)

42. He has worn his glasses in character a few times - as 'himself' ('Lady Dynamite'), as 'Paul' ('I Think You Should Leave') and during a very small number of SNL sketches (e.g. during his one appearance in a 'Gilly' with Kristen Wiig) (x) 

43. He can't tolerate glare and when that makes him squint it's a sight that's too cute for words (x)

44. He owns about six outfits and has been rotating them for well over a decade (x) 

45. He barely ever breaks during shooting/while performing, so when he does it's aggressively adorable. (x), (x)

46. He's a grown ass man who persuades people to come with him to the bathroom because if he goes by himself he'll get lonely (x)

47. He didn't announce he was leaving SNL, until after his last appearance, selflessly choosing not to detract from Kirsten Wiig's huge and emotional send-off (x) 

48. He undertook a quest to smell like Lorne Michaels (x) 

49. He's ageing like a fine wine (x)

50. To protect their daughter's privacy, Andy and Joanna never announced that they were expecting. They've never released their little girl's name or date of birth and most news outlets still report that they became parents in August 2017 (even though that's inaccurate) (x)

51. Although he's careful not to talk about his daughter often, sometimes he can't keep from gushing about her. For example, when asked about his first year of fatherhood he said: "It’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just like a beautiful, incredible dream. It has surpassed every expectation I ever had. It’s definitely been very blissful" (x)

52. After their daughter was born, Andy and Joanna spent the first 40 days at home with her (in a practice known as 'confinement'). He's described it as being "a really special time". (x) 

53. Andy is famously mild-mannered but, when asked about what triggers his 'Dad claws', he admitted that if anyone attempted to touch his daughter, without permission, he'd "probably sock them hard in the face"…

54. ...Characteristically, he went on to add that he hopes that never happens, since he hasn't been in a fight since 6th Grade (x)

55. Cyndi Lauper was his first celebrity crush and he plays her record ('She's so unusual') for his daughter all the time. (x)

56. His is the very definition of a precious laugh (x)...

57. It's made even more wonderful by the way it makes his voice go high-pitched (x)

58.  … and the way it causes his eyebrow to rise involuntarily  

59. It's impossible not to smile at his impression of his Mom (x)

60. And laugh at his impression of John Mulaney (x)

61. He was so convinced he wouldn't win the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical, that he didn't prepare a speech. Instead, as he explained to David Letterman, he "just went… and started drinking". The resulting list of improvised 'thank yous' was perfect in every way (x)

62. As producers, Andy, Kiv and Jorm have given life to some amazing projects ('Alone Together', 'Brigsby Bear', 'I Think You Should Leave')...

63. … and gone out of their way to support women in comedy ('Party Over Here', 'PEN15') (x)

64. As well as being a comedy legend, he's a super-talented dramatic actor, who gave the performance of a lifetime in 'Celeste and Jesse Forever' but, after the movie wrapped, and it was time to do press for it, he was straight back to goofing around (x) 

65. His lip bite should be illegal (x)

66. Even though he wears the same vanishingly small number of outfits, over and over, he has a vast collection of the most excellent socks (x)

67. He always gives 'editing notes' during his own interviews (x)

68. He has a super sweet and sincere way of thanking interviewers when they compliment him (x)

69. He adjusts his hoodie constantly (x)

70. The two most perfect Jake laughs in b99 are actually real Andy laughs 'https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W38A_xuXaeg https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sVm9nYrTWRQ

71. Virtually everyone who has ever worked with Andy has talked about what a wonderful person he is. This explains why so many of them have been involved with more than one of his projects (x)

72. It's not only his colleagues who talk about what a delight he is (x), (x)

73. This lovestruck fool wore his own wife's merch when he went out to dinner (x)

74. No one else uses the word 'dinky' quite like Andy (x). The same goes for 'snacky' (see point 70)

75. He does this with his tongue (x)

76. He still likes to play soccer but his eyesight is so bad that he has to keep his glasses on for it

77. When he lets his gorgeous floofy hair grow a little it sits perfectly over the arms of his glasses (x)

78. He gifted the world with Jakey's little curl (x)

79. At the James Franco Roast, he couldn't bring himself to be mean to anyone except himself (and Jeff Ross, a little!) (x)

80. In fact, he's always been willing to laugh at himself (x) and he still is (x)

81. He changes b99 scripts to make them more feminist (x)

82. Despite their humble insistence that they just benefited from 'good timing', the reality is that Andy, Kiv and Jorm (along with Chris Parnell) revolutionized digital media, when 'Lazy Sunday' popularized YouTube, increasing its traffic by 85% overnight (x)

83. He once attended the Vanity Fair party because his Mom told him to (x)

84. He has an amazing way of subtly but firmly shutting down inappropriate questions, like when this interviewer suggested that Holt being gay was something that could have been played for laughs https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=idQsYQfkR5o

85. He auditioned for SNL at the same time as Bill Hader. Hader thought he'd blown it because Andy had a bunch of props and Bill had none. In the meantime, Andy thought he'd blown it when he saw Hader and realized 'this guy doesn't need any props' (x) 

86. His bromance with Seth Meyers is one for the ages (x)

87. Every single second of this video is proof of why Andy, Kiv and Jorm deserve the world (x)

88. He once dragged Mulaney up on stage for SNL Goodnights, even though writers weren't allowed to join in (x)

89. He has a hilarious phobia of pooping anywhere except his own bathroom (x) 

90. His beautiful, beautiful, face: His smile (radiant), his eyes (caramel - hella disarming), his ears (adorably asymmetrical), his nose (perfect), His chin (the dimple… *swoon*), his jaw (could cut glass), The 'Sambeard' (another amazing layer of pretty) (x)

91. His body: His butt (x), his thighs, (x) his soft lil tummy (The ‘Sambelly’) (x), his hands. (x), his arms (x), his hips…

(Gif credit: @amystiago /@badpostandy on Twitter)

92. All signs point to the fact that, like Jake, Andy uses his glasses case as a wallet (x) 

93. Jake's "cool-cool-cool-cool-cool-cool" is an irl Andy-ism that the writers worked into b99 scripts. What's even better is that Joanna does it, too (x)

94. He has a really good arm and is low key competitive, which is super hot https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e32K_nBDy3Q

95. He's one half of the cutest Red Carpet pose of all time (x)

96. He barely ever seems to get mad but if angry Jake is anything to go by, maybe he should... (x)

97. He's a huge nerd, who geeks out over GOT, LOTR, 'Star Wars', 'Alien(s)' and anything relating to time travel (x), (x)

98. He has a gorgeous speaking voice, especially when he’s tired or a little sick. (Bonus points for any time he uses the word ‘correct’. See point 30) (x) 

99. He’s still so committed to his b99 fans and fam, even after all this time and is as excited as the rest of us that...

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: THE HAPPIEST SEASON

You guys! I finally watched the lesbian holiday movie!! Though when I texted my mom to tell her I was finally watching this, she thought I was talking about The Prom and I laughed for a real long time about it (mainly because it will take me an even longer time to get around to hate watching that!) It already took about a month to get to this one. There is a lot to discuss here - and also one wig!

So this is the first (big budget) holiday lesbian movie, which I am very here for. However, most of the movie feels like a combination between My Best Friend’s Wedding, Meet the Parents, and The Family Stone but with lesbians. Those movies were made between 1997 and 2005 and this movie feels like it should exist somewhere in that time as well. The whole plot of the movie is basically that Kristen Stewart (Abby) has to pretend NOT to be Mackenzie Davis’s (Harper’s)  long-term girlfriend for the sake of Harper’s conservative family with local political aspirations while also spending 5 days with them during Christmas. It’s a conceit that exists solely in these brand of garbage holiday rom coms but definitely one that feels bizarrely antiquated as well. 

Anyway! There is only one wig in this movie which belongs to Davis, who had a vastly superior lesbian wig in that one episode of Black Mirror that made us all cry. We first see this under this hat where it should have hidden for the rest of the film! 

Sadly, the next scene involves the full emergence of this wig and truly: NO. This thing is dried out, bent, and disheveled in not a cool way (Stewart’s actual hair is disheveled in a cool way, though). The entire presence of this wig bothers me because: just have her have whatever hair she has? This is not a historical recreation (that I’m aware of?) and she is not playing a real person! This feels like when SNL cast members wear wigs in sketches for similarly non-existent reasons. However, SNL wigs are vastly superior to this mess!

So anyway, Harper invites Abby to have Christmas at her parents’ house in the heat of the moment during a very romantic (?) Pittsburgh Christmas lights tour which is apparently something that exists. Abby conveniently, and completely for the sake of this plot to work (?) does not like Christmas and also is an orphan, getting rid of any possible Christmas plan conflicts. And then literally on the way to visiting Harper’s family, she is all: by the way, they don’t know you’re my girlfriend or that I’m a lesbian and you have to go along with it for sake of this movie to exist even though this is absolutely a terrible thing to ask of anyone, periodt. But we are beginning to find out that Harper’s character is as full of garbage as her wig. 

So we meet the parents, who are Victor Garber, Mary Steenbergen, and also Mary Steenbergen’s iPad which vulture correctly identifies as the star of this movie AND IT IS. Especially during the end credits where we get to see all the pics the iPad takes! But I’m getting ahead of myself. The parents live in one of those cavernous houses that is definitely a mansion but tries to feel homey even though it probably has about 12 bedrooms and usually only exists in a Nancy Meyers movie. Despite its amount of bedrooms,  Abby has to sleep in a basement bunker which also doubles as a well organized rubbermaid storage unit. For the rest of the movie, Abby is treated like a subhuman trash person much in the way Ben Stiller is treated in Meet the Parents and Sarah Jessica Parker is treated in The Family Stone, except they don’t also have to pretend to not be in a relationship with the family member they arrived with. This conceit becomes so degrading that you honestly wonder why these people are still together!

Abby endures scene after scene of total nonsense and still looks better than the wig on her terrible girlfriend. Which starts actually looking better in a few of these scenes but still is very much a terrible and noticeable wig which is on par with Rachel McAdams’ wig in Mean Girls in that we are constantly told that these women are gorgeous and every single time I ask “YOU MEAN WITH THAT TERRIBLE WIG ON THEIR HEADS????” I suppose this wig was “necessary” because Harper’s two sisters also have long-ish brown hair so they were going for some sort of familial consistency except one daughter has a terrible wig and the other two have hair. Also one sister is Alison Brie, who plays a harpy so awful that she starts to make Harper look palatable and one sister is Mary Holland, who also cowrote the script, and definitely wrote herself the only character who I’d like to meet in real life. 

Along the way, we also meet Aubrey Plaza, who I usually hate because she is just one-note sullen, but here is actually great as Harper’s high school ex-girlfriend who Harper outted and allowed to be bullied and wow Harper - you have been terrible for decades!! Also compared to Harper, Aubrey has beautiful (real) hair, doesn’t lie to her entire family, and has actual chemistry with Abby. I very much wanted Abby to end up with Aubrey and I am not alone! Harper somehow avoids Abby for most of the time they are both staying in the same (albeit huge) house and there is even a dumb subplot about Abby being framed for shoplifting while trying to buy a gift for the parents’ very important white elephant gift exchange during their very important Christmas Eve party and I wonder if any of these people really knows what a white elephant gift is or how to exist in society? Meanwhile, as Harper reverts to being more falsely  heteronormative at her parents house, I started to wonder if her wig was trying to serve a larger purpose in showing how fake this character is but: no it’s just a bad wig. Also this movie really does the impossible: it makes me care about and feel bad for Kristen Stewart! 

Although I did find it highly questionable that though they are the stars of a romantic comedy, neither Kristen Stewart or Mackenzie Davis is funny AT ALL. Like not even a little! Which makes the “comedic” plight of Stewart all the more upsetting! All comedy is left to the one good daughter (Mary Holland) and also all gay men in the movie. This is mainly Abby’s bff and national (Canadian) treasure, Dan Levy and also Drag Race faves Jinxx Monsoon and Ben De-La-Creme in this one gay bar scene which is honestly truly inconceivable and except for further cementing the fact that Abby and Aubrey really should get together. 

In the end, Alison Brie finds out Harper’s TERRIBLE SECRET THAT NO ONE IN 2020 COULD POSSIBLY FATHOM (that she’s a lesbian) and they have a fight in the middle of the white elephant party which reveals that all the family has been competing for years for each other’s love which is really really messed up and now I kind of hate everyone in this family. And also Harper is outed to her entire terrible family and also Ana Gasteyer (and also a room full of other randos). And she denies her lesbian truth!  I recently watched Uncle Frank which is essentially everything Hillbilly Elegy wanted to be but is Shakespeare compared to that mess, and a similar scene occurs but that character bravely faces the truth - and in 1970s SOUTH CAROLINA!! I don’t know what time or space this movie thinks it exists in but it is baffling. Still, Dan Levy gives an emotional monologue about how no one can decide when anyone else is ready to come out of the closet so: FAIR. And then Harper does come out and the entire family kind gives absolutely no reaction to this until Victor Garber says it’s ok?? ABSOLUTELY AND TRULY BIZARRELY PATRIARCHAL. And then Harper and Abby get back together in the parking lot of a Love’s convenience store which is as cheesy and clunky as any garbage holiday rom com so I guess this is definitely a new holiday “classic” which I’ll probably watch 100 more times and hate Harper and her terrible wig each time about as much as I hate Laura Linney’s terrible life choices in Love, Actually. AS CONFOUNDING AS HARPER’S WIG OR THE CHOICE TO GIVE HER ONE AT ALL!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[some-lists]

10 Shows That Should Be Added to Disney Plus

Disney Plus is a goldmine for all things Disney. They’ve got almost every animated film, all the Star Wars films, Marvel, Disney Junior cartoons, old 50’s shows, and more. I was excited to check out all the old Disney Channel Original Series from days past to sadly discover they only go back to 2000.

There are some really great 80’s and 90’s shows that are missing from Disney Plus. That’s two decades of material sadly not included in the streaming service. Here are 10 that should be added.

10. The Torkelsons

The Torkelsons was a family sitcom about an Oklahoman woman, whose husband has just left her and her five children. The show depicts her trying to survive financially while raising her kids. Her oldest daughter Dorothy Jane talks to the “man in the moon” like a diary. The second season saw the family move to the West Coast where they moved in with an upper middle class family. It featured a pre-famous Brittany Murphy, Jared Leto, and Ben Affleck.

9. The Famous Jett Jackson

The Famous Jett Jackson came out in the late 90’s, just before Even Stevens. It was about a famous teen movie star who moves back into his small hometown to be a regular kid. It was one of the Disney Channel’s first original series and it was a big hit. It had its own original TV movie and Beyoncé even made a guest appearance. Tragically, its star Lee Thompson Young committed suicide in 2013. I wonder if that’s the reason it wasn’t included in the streaming service.

8. Welcome to Pooh Corner

This was one the Disney Channel’s first preschool programs in the 80’s. It featured a narrator telling various adventures of Winnie the Pooh and his friends. All the characters were played by real people in costumes. I’ll admit, the costumes are a little creepy by today’s standards. But the theme song and soothing voice of the narrator are worth it.

7. Ready or Not

This wasn’t an original Disney series, but was picked up from Canada and aired on the Disney Channel throughout the 90’s. It was about two best friends and their life from sixth to ninth grades. It dealt with so many issues still relevant today in real, thoughtful ways. It’s still one of the best children’s shows to air throughout the channel’s history.

6. Adventures in Wonderland

This was a live action show about Alice and her daily adventures when she steps through her looking glass/mirror. There were cheery songs, dances, cheesy jokes, and life lessons. Every character was played by an actor in makeup and costume, including the White Rabbit, Mad Hare, and Catepillar. The Catepillar was especially creepy, but it was a fun show.

5. In a Heartbeat

This show has unfortunately been forgotten by too many. It’s such a shame because it was really great. Inspired by real teens, it was about a group of teenage EMTs as they balance high school and saving lives after school. It was like ER for kids. It was Disney’s first and last attempt at a drama series that aired in 2000. Unfortunately it only lasted one season, and Disney shifted to sticking to teen comedies.

4. Ocean Girl

Ocean Girl was acquired by the Disney Channel from Australia and aired for several years in the 90’s. It’s about a girl who lives on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean. She can swim at great depths holding her breath for long periods of time without any apparatus. It’s a little cheesy, but it was so good. It had elements of fantasy, sci-fi, suspense, romance, and comedy. It also taught about the importance of protecting and preserving the ocean. It would be great if Disney could somehow get the rights to this show and stream it again.

3. Kids Incorporated

Kids Incorporated aired on the Disney Channel from 1986 to 1994. It was about a group of kid performers who would sing and dance onstage at a club after school. All the kids did their own singing and were crazy talented. Several of them went on to become big stars, like Fergie, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Mario Lopez (pre-A.C. Slater).

2. The All-New Mickey Mouse Club (MMC)

The show that started the careers of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, JC Chasez, and Keri Russell. Ever wonder why Justin Timberlake was so good in all his SNL appearances? This is why. MMC was a variety show that ran from 1989 to 1994. All the kids acted in comedy sketches and sang and danced to popular songs in front of a live audience. They also recorded their own music videos and had a spin-off show for teens. It featured regular celebrity guests including TLC, Boyz II Men, New Kids On the Block, Jodie Sweetin, Tia and Tamera Mowry, and so many more. This show is a pot of gold and Disney’s just sitting on it. They already put up the 50’s version. Now Disney needs to do some digging and put the 90’s version back up pronto!

1. Flash Forward

I cannot believe Flash Forward isn’t on Disney Plus! It was the Disney Channel’s first original series. It was about two best friends and next door neighbors (Ben Foster and Jewel Staite) as they go through junior high. Ryan Gosling also appeared in a couple episodes. It’s a fun, hilarious, and very sweet show. I am seriously waiting for Disney Plus to stream this. If they’re going to add Even Stevens and The Proud Family, they need to add this one too. It’s too good to miss!

[aion-rsa]

The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year. 

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore. 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs. 

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3raE4UF

[robertdowneyjjr]

RDJ on Off Camera #200: Highlights

excerpts from the interview under the read more

(you can buy the digital magazine with the full transcript here)

On his start as an actor, and getting to a point where he has more confidence in what he does:

[...] what’s important right now is that you know I am mirroring your physicality [points to Sam’s posture in chair], which by the way, I don’t know if I did it consciously or not. Son of a bitch...now I lost my rhythm. A lot of life for me is monkey see monkey do. Whether it’s development, or if you’re in a situation that’s very stressful. Like right now, I think if you took either of our biometrics, we would be in a really sweet zone because we have a love for each other. We’ve also created an ease by doing creative stuff together. We always like the result, but more so, we like the process. Whenever you engage with a new group of people in a process, it’s like you’re going to a new school.

And whatever part of my personality was set, it was fractured enough to be useful in a creative medium, but there’s also a work ethic born out of desperation that I would not wish on an enemy. It was just something that I was outfitted with. No matter how you slice it, as I was learning, going along, making mistakes, and noticing how Michael Apted or John Hughes operate, I would go, “Oh, I like that. That looks like it would feel good to be able to do it like that.”

On making the first Iron Man:

[...] I remember for the screen test, I was playing it a little straighter. There weren’t a bunch of funny lines. I was probably like half out- of-my-body hoping I got the part. And then, in executing the film, we found this tone that was really somewhere between mine, Jon’s, and Kevin [Feige]’s sensibilities. Gwyneth Paltrow would come in and go, “Oh, testosterone fest! Can we talk about what’s true north? What the reality of these relationships are?” And Jon would be like, “That’s right. Everybody stop and listen to her.” There was this great sense of each of us being corralled by passing the talking stick and deferring to each other like any good community. The amalgamation of all those little moments of thoughtfulness and open-mindedness are suddenly what this character is remembered for. I look back on it, and I go, “I don’t know how I did that. I don’t think I was in a good mood that day. I think I was really tired. I think my hair looked ridiculous.” And yet, the great thing about cinema, is you forget all of that as the viewer.

On rebuilding, Chaplin, and mentors:

[...] Which makes me think about the coolest letter I ever got. I won’t say where I was...prison. But I got it from Jodie Foster. This was years after Chaplin had come out, and she wrote me a letter about how relevant Chaplin’s life was. The precision, the dedication, what he had to do to be who he was in the epoch that he was. He was such an innovator, a genius. You can’t not believe that Charlie Chaplin was a genius. Some people would even say that he created pathos in cinema. That’s kind of a big deal. But Jodie wrote me this letter basically reminding me that, like Chaplin, I had already gone through the motions of understanding what kind of personality would preserve in a hostile environment. It was a new version of red scares, the public turning against you, and personal proclivities becoming public and almost damning you.

[...] And by the way, I was looking at an old mugshot of mine recently, and there was a bit of sadness in my eyes. There’s nothing like getting sent up the river, but I was okay. You know, like Figueroa Slim would say, “They got me. They got me, because I was there to be got, and I wasn’t doing the right thing.” And this is life. This can happen in relationships. This can happen at a stop sign with a stranger in a car across from you. You never know.

[...] Some people do things that you think are abhorrent and very difficult to explain. Those outliers are the first people who won’t make it very far if they wind up in a correctional facility, and people find out what they did to get there. But in the larger sense of things, it’s just...that was my life. There was a genetic predisposition. A signal wire got tripped, and once you’ve burned neuropathways repeatedly, it’s no longer a behavior. But I also know this, which gives me great comfort—if you’re fucked up or come from a fucked up family, if you get through it, you’re going to have a better chance of pushing our society forward in some way. It’s just the way it is.

On Saturday Night Live and Anthony Michael Hall:

[...] I came through the Weird Science country academy because a bunch of us met up on that John Hughes film. I was like, “Oh wow, I had a part in that.” I was starting to get a little notice. And then, Michael Hall was doing bigger stuff and making creative decisions about what he wanted the next chapter of his career to be, and we became friends. In a way, he was my first Jon Favreau. He was someone who said to me, “I’m going to go do SNL. I’m going to get you an audition, and I bet you’re going to get yourself on the show too. They’ll be lucky to have us.”

[...] I learned so much in that year about what I wasn’t. I was not somebody who was going to come up with a catchphrase. I was not somebody who’s going to do impressions. I was somebody who was very ill-suited for rapid fire sketch comedy. I was not of that ilk of The Groundlings. I had never been part of an improv group. I was kind of like, “Wow, this seems really hard. A lot of work.” But to this day, I would still say that there’s not a more exciting 90 minutes you could have...whether you are any good or not. It’s just amazing.

[...] In the 90-minute moment, you get such validation not because you’re the standup guy, not because they’re not going to say later on that you were the worst cast member they ever had, which is another lie, but because it’s such a difficult thing to try to pull off. You get a lot of cred just for being able to participate in that real-time stress and excitement.

On life after Marvel:

[...] I had an incredible ten year run that was creatively satisfying. It was very hard work, and I dug very deep. At the same time, you always have to recognize that everything has a price and a downside. For me, it’s that I’ve had to up my game and my focus. Also, first and foremost, having a family. But I have not been forced to explore the new frontier of, “What is my creative and personal life after this?” For me, it’s always good to get ahead of where you’re about to be, because nothing really happens when it happens.

[...] it’s always in the transitions between one phase and the next where people fall apart. So, just as a matter of me wanting to be a fit father, husband, and citizen...you know, roughly in that order, you’ve got to put eyes down the road and say, “I’m being irresponsible if I don’t start figuring out what is after that.” So, part of it is that there’s a dependency.

[...] The first thing you learn in theater arts is aesthetic distance. I am not this play I’m doing. I’m not Will from Oklahoma. I’m not that cop in a detective story.  [...] So for me, it just translates to this: I’m not my work. I’m not what I did with that studio. I’m not that period of time that I spent playing this character.

[...] the good boy note is not that I want to do what’s expected of me, it’s that I listen to feedback, and while that’s not what guides my decision making process, I sometimes get a little daunted. People are like, “Well, now that he’s done with this Iron Man thing, we look forward to what he’s going to do next and see him get back to...” And I go, “Alright, wait a minute. Does the good boy revert back to something he was doing before that, because that’s what people...?” No, what do they really mean?

On Susan:

[...] You want to talk about validation, mentors, and people who have been with me at critical times. I mentioned some male directors. All of them together could not hold a candle to the power of partnership, when you find somebody and without meaning to you just get each other. And then, you cash in all your chips and say, “We’re going to do this difficult thing, which is called relationship building and being in the same industry.” All that stuff. But it’s the greatest mystery in life, you know. All creativity is about the right relationship.

[...] Between the two of us, there’s been this creative engine of dialogue and discussion. For me, just self-betterment, because she’s the only person in my entire life and career who I can nail it on a take, and I look over at the monitor, and she’s just like, “You had gum. Take your gum out,” or whatever. It’s not that she doesn’t give me validation. She doesn’t do what everyone else has done; she doesn’t think I need to be taken care of, validated, compensated for. I need to this and that.

[...] Here’s what I’ll say. This is it, dude. This is definitive. If anything, movies saved my life, because she saw me in Weird Science. And at the time, I had a space between my teeth, and she had a space between her teeth. We wound up both getting them filled in, because that’s what you did in the late ‘80s. Everybody had to get their gaps filled or nobody was going to like you. But she looked at me in Weird Science, and her first thought of me was, “Oh my god, he’s like me! He has a space between his teeth. It’s okay that I have a space between my teeth.”

[adultswim2021]

Metalocalypse #2: “Dethwater” | August 13, 2006 – 11:45AM | S01E02

Frontman Nathan Explosion keeps deleting Dethklok's highly-anticipated upcoming album in a fit of perfectionism. In that same fit of perfectionism he decides that the only way the album will live up to the hype is if the band records it in the deepest place on earth: the Mariana Trench. The record label insists on sending a producer to oversee their activities, which does not sit well with Dethklok. They get down there and record their album, but due to a recording mishap they need to isolate Toki in his own pod to record his track, but instead he sings a lighthearted song about making fish friends. Toki being a sweetiepie is a very good running bit.

The producer winds up loving Dethklok's album so much that he turns his back on the tribunal, who initially had him tapped as a spy. Early on the show was sorta vaguely setting up some grand plot that would become apparent as the show went on. I guess. Honestly, I think I watched every episode of this show and I started losing interest at the end of it and I don't even really recall a whole lot about it. I think I prefer this element as just being more absurd or meta. It's almost like a Saturday Morning cartoon where the main characters just inexplicably have a villain character that hates them and tries to thwart them just cuz that's what you did in a Saturday Morning Cartoon. The fact that Dethklok sorta became a real band because of this show sorta demonstrates that they were backwards engineering this concept; It's almost like if the Harlem Globetrotters became real guys because of the Saturday Morning cartoon and not vice-versa.

The current conversation in the boys DM is about how hideous the animation is for this show, and I basically agree, but I think I find myself appreciating certain aspects of it. Like, the character designs are also really ugly, right? But they also sorta seem like they're supposed to be drawn by amateurs? Like there's the one part towards the end where the producer guy is ascending way too fast in his submarine in order to escape a monster, and he gets the bends so bad that his eyeballs explode, and it keeps zooming in on his face. You can see like jagged tossed-off lines, as though whoever drew it wasn't actually very good at drawing. I don't know man, it's a thing.

EPHEMERA CORNER:

MAIL BAG:

have you ever enjoyed a real life Adult Swim? You don't seem like the public pool type based on your eccentricities in your writing.

The only time I ever enjoyed an Adult Swim was when I was a little kid. All Kids Outta the Pool and into the clubhouse; there’s arcades in there baby!!!

Is it just me or when Will Forte says "THANKS FOR CARING" at the end of the JJ Pepper Videography sketch on Awesome Show it takes the air out of the whole bit? It feels like an SNL instinct instead of a Tim and Eric one. Sorry, I just don't like it, and I'm not gonna wait for you to get to Awesome Show to ask because I can die any day and you are going simply too slow. It would have been a Legen-DARY sketch if it wasn't for that final line.

I think it’s such a wild and weird way to end a commercial TV that I’m glad it exists.... but! You may be right. It’s just too weird. Is JJ Pepper for real?

Did you skip covering the Space Ghost Coast to Coast Volume 3 DVD set? Is it because of the Pavement menus? Did Stephen Malkmus come to one of your Simpsons Nights and insouciantly tell you he prefers watching sports?

I suspected that I DID miss it, but thought maybe I’d get away with it. But since I’m covering that season for Space Ghost Week maybe I’ll just do an entry for it to kick things off. Or... NOT!

Hm. I'm a moron for just telling you straight up how it is. Okay. Goodbye.

Bye bye! See you hell LOSER!

Here's 10 Ways To Make Your Blog's Mailbag Funner and Funniers. Number 10: Make a Call to Action with every post. This is a surefire way to get people to talk back. Number Two: Lay some ground rules. While no one likes a hall monitor, laying a few ground rules will make people know what to expect when sending you mail. Number Three: Throw in some red meat. Drink Dr. Pepper? Menton it in a blog post. It may not be relevant but a little autobiographical info can inspire some replies. Number Four:

I don’t drink Dr. Pepper. Thanks for caring.

I don't think that bug wars movie that guy was talking about was real. You have some really stupid people reading this blog. Maybe make people solve a brain teaser before they can submit something to you.

Thank god it’s not real. I think the mail bag is at it’s best when it’s an equal mix of smart cookies and sick puppies and I gotta say, COOKIES: STEP IT UP!

[mermaidmovieclub]

Common Mermaid Movie Tropes (With Examples)

I’ve noticed with a lot of mermaid movies that a lot of them tend to share common tropes. I mention common mermaid tropes a lot on the Mermaid Movie Club, but thought, hey, maybe I need to come up with a handy list that’s easy to follow? Hey, that’s what blogs are for. Without further ado, a list of Common Mermaid Movie Tropes, and examples for each one. Since these are going to be part of the Mermaid Movie Club going forward, I thought I'd compile them neatly into a little list. Of course, this will be updated as I go through more movies. 😉

These are not taken from TVTropes, these are just things that I have found from watching these films/TV shows, so I just kinda made stuff up. Perhaps in due time I could make a list of tropes taken from TVTropes but that’s a loooooooooot to sift through.

(Also, this is not necessarily negative. Understand a lot of these will be interpreted differently from film to film. It's all about looking at something from a different angle, which a lot of these filmmakers do in their own way.)

1. The Only Way To Get What You Want is to Become Human Yourself

Literally what it says on the tin. The mermaid has to become human to achieve some kind of goal. Usually a romantic objective.

Examples: The Little Mermaid and most adaptations of it, Splash (1989), Aquamarine (2006)

Subverted in: The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea (2000), Barbie in a Mermaid Tale (2010)

2. Teenagers Scare the Living Fish Outta Me

Mermaid as a coming-of-age metaphor. For me it comes across as a kind of "fish out of water" metaphor but in the case of one film I have to rethink that.

Examples: The Thirteenth Year (1999), Scales: Mermaids are Real (2017), Blue My Mind (2017), Barbie in a Mermaid Tale (2010)

3. You Can Take Your Mermaid on Land Adventures, When She Dries Off, She Gets Legs

Again, what it says on the tin. The mermaid can achieve a human form but only when dry. When she touches water again she reverts back to her mermaid form.

Examples: Splash (1989), H2O and all of its spin-offs, Aquamarine (2006)

Splash: Obviously there’s the iconic scene with Madison unfolding her fins in the bathtub, and rushing to dry off when Allen calls for her. There’s also the scene where Walter Kornbluth sprays her down with a hose as she and Allen leave their dinner, effectively revealing her tail to the public.

H2O: This is revealed in the first episode where Cleo gets stuck in the bathtub after her tail develops, Emma transforms while swimming in the ocean, and perhaps the most telling of all is Rikki transforming after getting hit with a sprinkler. There are many more examples as the show goes on.

Aquamarine: Had an additional stipulation that she would have to be a mermaid at night, so it was almost like a werewolf-mermaid situation.

4. Born Yesterday

Mermaid is a bit naive to human things.

Seen in: The Little Mermaid (especially the Disney one), Splash (1989), Aquamarine (2006), Siren (2018-present)

5. Human Stuff

Mermaid falls in love with a human.

Examples: The Little Mermaid and all of its adaptations, Splash (1989), Aquamarine (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Siren (2018-present)

6. For Science

Mermaid is pursued by scientists for science.

Examples: Splash (1989), Scales: Mermaids are Real (2017), The 3 Tails Movie: A Mermaid Adventure (2015), Siren (2018-present)

7. Hush Hush

The mermaid has to keep her mermaid identity a secret, potentially as a result of For Science, as well as You Can Take Your Mermaid on Land Adventures, When She Dries Off, She Gets Legs. The mermaid might have to avoid water to avoid being exposed.

Examples: H2O and all its spin-offs, Aquamarine (2006), Splash (1989), Scales: Mermaids are Real (2017), The Thirteenth Year (1999), nearly all of them except for some older pre-Splash ones.

H2O: Just Add Water: The mermaids even have to drink water through straws to prevent the water from touching their skin.

8. The Power of Three

There's likely a trio of mermaids. Mostly common in H2O copycat shows on YouTube.

Examples: H2O and all its spin-offs, Mermaids (2003), as I said, a lot of H2O copycats on YouTube. Aquamarine includes a main cast of three, but Hailey and Claire are not mermaids.

9. Power Up

They have superpowers. That's it that's the trope

Examples: H2O and all its spin-offs, The Thirteenth Year (1999), Scales: Mermaids are Real (2017), Barbie in a Mermaid Tale (2010)

H2O: The core mermaids (Rikki, Cleo, Emma, later Bella) all have some kind of different water-based superpower.

Scales: Siren's powers in this movie are pretty similar to those in H2O, particularly, the ability to move water. At the end she kills a hunter by dehydrating him to death.

The Thirteenth Year: Cody Palpatine Griffin emits force lightning--I mean, static electricity

Barbie in a Mermaid Tale: Royals of Oceana are capable of producing Merillia, a sort of oceanic life force. 

10. I'm In the Sea, and I'm SINGING

Mermaid can sing, which checks out given the mythology honestly

Examples: The Little Mermaid and nearly all of its adaptations (especially Disney), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Siren (2018-present)

11. You Should See Me In a Crown

Mermaid is part of a royal family, most likely a princess. Her father is likely Neptune or Triton or Poseidon, or some non-specific King of the Sea. (Notice that the Queen of the Sea is rarely mentioned? That's weird, right?)

Examples: The Little Mermaid and all its adaptations, Aquamarine (2006), The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2001), Barbie in a Mermaid Tale (2010), implied in Scales: Mermaids are Real (2017)

The Little Mermaid: It's kind of the basis for the story itself. In Disney's The Little Mermaid (1989), Ariel is the daughter of King Triton and has six sisters. Her mother, Queen Athena, is not revealed until 2008 in The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning, but it's revealed that she was killed when Ariel was very young, so she doesn't exist by the time the original film takes place.

Aquamarine: Aqua's father is a non-specific king

SpongeBob: Mindy's father is King Neptune

Barbie in a Mermaid Tale: Merliah’s mother is Calissa, Queen of Oceana, overthrown by her sister Eris

Scales: Siren's birth mother is referred to as "the leader of the mermaids," and it is later revealed that they are both pureblood mermaids, which implies that Siren and Emerald are some kind of royalty. The film uses the word “leader” which is fairly vague, however.

12. Kids' Show

(I read this in my mind like the Will Ferrell/Molly Shannon “Dog Show” sketch from SNL.)

A character from a kids' franchise becomes a merperson themselves, most often to help other merfolk. This might also be reflected in a corresponding toy line.

Examples: Barbie (numerous titles), Dora the Explorer, Paw Patrol, Monster High, Sofia the First, Shimmer and Shine.

Barbie: Numerous mermaid characters exist in the Barbie Cinematic Universe (if that isn’t already a thing it is now), but at least five mermaid-centric Barbie films exist: Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia (2006), Barbie in a Mermaid Tale (2010), Barbie in a Mermaid Tale 2 (2012), Barbie the Pearl Princess (2014), and Barbie Dolphin Magic (2017). There have also been multiple Barbie mermaid lines throughout the years, the most recent being part of the Dreamtopia line. A number of lines corresponded to the films, such as the Mermaidia and Barbie in a Mermaid Tale lines. (I’ve got one of Kayla from the first one somewhere)

Dora the Explorer: In the 2007 TV movie Dora Saves the Mermaids, Dora became a mermaid to help the crown of mermaid princess Mariana. Dora later reunited with Mariana in the Dora and Friends episode “Magical Mermaid Adventure” (1x13) in 2015. Dora once again became a mermaid in the 2012 episode “Dora’s Rescue in Mermaid Kingdom” (7x01). I remember there being dolls for Dora Saves the Mermaids but not for the other two.

Paw Patrol: The six main pups of the Paw Patrol become merpups (it’s exactly what it sounds like) in the 2016 episode “Merpups Save the Turbots” (3x21B). Initially it’s just Marshall after he is turned by a mother merpup but later all the pups have a merpup form. I don’t remember a ton of toys for this one, but I often run into the merpup bath squirters, namely Skye.

Monster High: Lagoona Blue, daughter of a sea monster, is a part of the core team of monsters, but she’s more Mermaid-Adjacent. The first true mermaid character to be introduced to the franchise was Sirena von Boo, the daughter of a mermaid and a ghost, in the 2014 Freaky Fusion movie and doll line of the same name. Later on, the 2016 Great Scarrier Reef movie coincided with a corresponding doll line of the main monsters as mermaid-like creatures, with the addition of some new aquatic characters such as Posea Reef, Kala Mer’ri, and the two-headed Peri and Pearl Serpentine. (Mattel had a similar line called Ever After High that featured Meeshell Mermaid as the daughter of the Little Mermaid, but there was never any kind of mermaid line or movie made for it, which, come on, I wanted mermaid Raven Queen.)

Sofia the First: 2013′s “The Floating Palace” was a special episode that aired toward the end of the show’s first season. In it, Sofia meets mermaid princess Oona and Queen Emmaline, and helps them stop Cedric from taking the magical Mermaid Comb of Merroway Cove. Of course, in order to do that, she has to become a mermaid herself. Along the way, her magical amulet summons Ariel because this is a Disney Princess show and her amulet just magically summons Disney Princesses when she needs a pep talk because of course it does.

Shimmer and Shine: In the 2016 episode “Mermaid Mayhem” (2x06), Leah wishes she and her genies, Shimmer and Shine, were mermaids. If only it were that easy. Yep. There were toys. Just expect it at this point.

Subverted in: Elena of Avalor: Song of the Sirenas

13. Looks Like a Seannamon Roll But Could Actually Kill You

This is really just a trope for sirens or "darker" mermaids

Examples: Siren (2018-present), She Creature (2001), Killer Mermaid/Nymph (2014), Mermaid's Song (2018), Night Tide (1961)

14. Mermaid-Adjacent

Not quite a mermaid but similar human-fish hybrid.

Examples: The Shape of Water (2017), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1953), also the Zora race from the Legend of Zelda games even though that’s not a movie, shut up it counts

15. Gadgets and Gizmos Aplenty

There is some kind of magical trinket used by the mermaids, typically a piece of jewelry with magical properties.

Examples: The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea (2000), Scales: Mermaids are Real (2010), H2O: Just Add Water (2006-2010), Mako Mermaids/Mako: Island of Secrets (2013-2016), both Barbie in a Mermaid Tale movies (2010 and 2012)

TLM2: Melody's locket, a gift to her from King Triton, projected an image of Atlantica when opened, but otherwise didn't do a lot.

Mako Mermaids: The mermaids possessed blue moon rings, which store moonlight and can be used to perform different magical functions dependent on the situation.

H2O: The necklaces worn by Rikki, Cleo, and Bella in the third season serve a similar function to the Moon Rings of Mako.

Scales: Siren Phillips was given a special necklace by Crystal which seems to serve as a kind of homing device. It's not explained in depth what it does exactly, but it performs a similar function to the Wailing Stick if I remember correctly, which was a sort of mermaid distress signal.

Barbie in a Mermaid Tale: When Queen Calissa gave baby Merliah Summers to Break, she gave Merliah a magical necklace that, years later, revealed to her and Zuma that Queen Calissa was still alive after Eris overthrew her from the throne of Oceana. Merliah is later given a necklace by Calissa that allows her to alternate between human and mermaid forms at will. In Barbie in a Mermaid Tale 2, Kylie Morgan steals the necklace out of Merliah’s hoodie when Hadley is distracted and uses it to become a mermaid herself, so it’s clearly not specifically made for Merliah to use.

If it counts, Ursula’s soul-stealing necklace in The Little Mermaid (1989) is one of these as well.

16. You Want Thingamabobs? I've Got Twenty

Girl is a hoarder, or fascinated by human trinkets.

Examples: The Little Mermaid and nearly all of its adaptations (especially the Disney one)

17. The Mermaid Elder

An old woman that’s sort of a mermaid wise woman.

Examples: The Mermaid (2016), most interpretations of The Little Mermaid apart from the Disney one

18. Foreshadowing Name

Very very very obvious mermaid name.

Examples: Barbie in a Mermaid Tale/2 (2010/2012), Scales: Mermaids are Real (2017), Aquamarine (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Barbie in a Mermaid Tale/2: You really expect me to think a girl named Merliah isn’t gonna be a mermaid? Come on.

Scales: I feel like naming your kid Siren in a town full of mermaids AND where there are known mermaid hunters is just a great example of not thinking things through.

Aquamarine: Self-explanatory.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides: Astrid Berges-Frisbey played main merm Syrena in this movie. There were other named mermaids in this, I think, but Syrena was the most prominent, obviously.

[thisislizheather]

January Jewels 2020

I’ve purposely put off writing this monthly wrap-up because, well, christ. January was a terrible month. I don’t need to go into the details of why, but the consensus from everyone that I’ve talked to fully agrees with me on this. What the hell happened? Starting a new decade is supposed to be great. In any case, I’ll always have high hopes for the future. And I’m just thankful to begin a new month. Here’s what went down in the pit that was January 2020.

First things first, I recapped how my 2019 resolutions turned out. Why don’t more people do this? Where’s the accountability in reviewing your past resolutions? They’re not fucking birthday wishes, they’re intentions! More people need to follow through with this, even if the results aren’t what you hoped for.

I made my 2020 resolutions.

I fell absolutely in love with this sketch.

I did two podcasts with Nathan - one where we talked about the pope incident and one where I absolutely scream at him about Hillary.

I read Jenny Slate’s new book as well as a tiny little book about how to live a good life.

I ended up buying another J. Crew swimsuit (the same one I bought a few months ago, but this time in red) and I have no regrets.

In love with Trader Joe’s (dairy free) coconut whipped cream, I can’t stop using it in hot chocolate.

I rewatched (or watched for the first time, I truly can’t remember) The Staircase and it’s so good. I’m pretty sure Marla got me MP3 copies of this years ago and I did watch it, but I completely forgot about it in detail. Such a good watch. If you’ve already seen it, do you know about the owl theory? It’s a wild one, but, like, I think an owl did it now?

I’ve been using a small bottle of OUAI’s Wave Spray and if I can figure out how to not overspray it, it’s a great product. Once you use it though, your hair only looks good that day. After you sleep on it, your hair looks like shit. (Is that true of all hair products? I have absolutely no idea.)

Bought this Banana Republic top for $13 on sale and I love it because it does not feel like it cost so little.

I don’t know if it’s a Canadian brand but I have found a wicked alternative to Dollarama: Buck or Two. I went to one in Brampton and they’ve got everything.

I watched most of the SNL with Jennifer Lopez and wow did it suck. 99% of the sketches were basically “She’s pretty. That’s the joke.” Fucking hated it. They do this a lot of the time with certain actresses and I can’t ever tell if it’s because the actress loves doing these sketches or they’re afraid she can’t be funny. Whatever the reason is, blow my brains out, please.

I went to the Ear Inn in the city and it was lovely! Super old place. Service was great. Burger was great.

I went to Glossier with the intention of buying the cheek stain and then decided against it. It’s not a good product. I literally pinched my cheeks and got a better rosiness.

I came across probably my favourite winter children’s book of all time, The Snowman by Raymond Briggs. Look at one page of this magic.

I was so happy to hear about this matter finally being settled in New York.

I went to The Dutch again for Restaurant Week for their steak tartare and it’s just heaven on a plate.

I rewatched the great What Lies Beneath and man, it’s still just such a great movie.

As you may have heard, Papyrus is going out of business, so I’ve popped in twice to see what the closing deals are and they aren’t worth it yet (only 30% off! C’mon! I won’t get out of bed for at least 60%), so I’ll keep stopping in every so often until they’ve become desperate.

Love this part of a recent SNL (below). (If you can’t see it in Canada, search for “white male rage SNL.”

I finally went to Boulud Sud for their pasta happy hour and man was it not worth it. The place has a terrible setup if you’re sitting at the bar, the food was absolutely nothing special and had ridiculous portion sizes. It’s also a bad sign when the bread is tastier than the entree. Super disappointing.

I tried on the bras and underwear from LIVELY in Soho and even though it’s priced reasonably, I couldn’t find anything I loved. I have a feeling that I could be into it though, so I’ll go again sometime in the future for sure.

I’ll forever love the lunch special at Pil Pil on the Upper East Side. I know I probably bring this up too much, but man. Love tapas.

I can’t stop buying sunglasses for sale at ALDO. And I won’t.

I finished season one of The West Wing and it was really good. I keep forgetting about it, but I should stick with it. People, like, loved that show, didn’t they?

I started using Sol De Janeiro’s Bum Bum Cream… on my butt. That’s what it’s for, no? So far, I mean… it feels smooth? It’s not at all greasy, which I like. Seems weird to have a cream just for your butt, but who am I to criticize.

Ate the fish tacos at Summer Salt and they’re good! It’s insane and great that they sell margaritas at a fast casual place, too.

Very into this Pat McGrath mascara that I got as a Sephora reward.

Love this Wells For Boys sketch (below) from a few years ago that I just saw for the first time (thanks for showing me, Irene!)

I haven’t been there in years, but I went to Sweet Afton for happy hour in Astoria the other day and had the pickle martini which actually wasn’t terrible. Love that place.

Tried the lunch burger at Peter Luger finally! And yes it was a good burger (love that they use American cheese and the bun was very good even though it's not a potato bun). Steakhouse burgers are always hard for me to rate since a steakhouse burger is a real *entree* unlike the regular, everyday burgers that other places have which are not as big and overwhelming. An everyday burger is easy to rate since it's either great, overrated or shit. A steakhouse burger has nuances, how juicy is too juicy? How's the quality of the meat? What are the ideal toppings? Should someone shoot me for my extensive burger thoughts? Yes.

I went to see a free orchestral performance put on by Julliard at Lincoln Center and it was great. It reminded me so much of going to my brother Gary’s recitals when I was a kid, just loved it.

Had dinner at Portale. The pasta was insane. This place might be a rival for L’Artusi! Dare I say it! Every bite was phenomenal. MUST return. (Noteworthy: it also just got two stars in the Times.)

LOVED this piece about Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes. Favourite line: “The least risky thing in the world is announced apathy.“

Maybe you don’t know this, but 90% of post offices in the U.S. have bulletproof glass between the workers and the customers. It’s obviously because awful things have happened, but I’ve been going to this one post office in the city on 23rd street that doesn’t have the glass and the workers are SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT. I wish all locations were like this one. Just a thought.

Just bought another one of these UNIQLO shirts that I love in dark grey.

Every January I make sure to:

Mark down all holidays/birthdays/anniversaries (Valentine’s Day, Daylight Saving Times, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving)

Check expiration dates for passport/license/health card/insurance and write down any important renewal dates

I’ve watched the first two new episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and it fucking blows. There was only one thing I laughed at (when a server thought Larry was “oggling” her but he was really just keeping an eye on her tray with pigs in blankets) but OTHER THAN THAT, what a piece of shit season so far! I fucking hated the part in one episode where he videotapes the consent given between him and some woman as they’re making out. ALSO, and this has happened a few times over the seasons, he’s recycling fucking Seinfeld jokes. FROM THE SHOW. Talking about when it’s too late to get “Happy New Year-ed”? Are we kidding here?! Fucking lazy as hell. I might just stop watching.

I watched the new Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix and it’s really good. Even if you have zero opinion on her, I really liked it. (It also introduced me to this great song.)

Things that I’m looking forward to this month: seeing a Raptors game at Barclays Center, finally sitting down and watching season two of Shrill in its entirety, reading Joan Rivers’ book Enter Talking and and maybe going to another Restaurant Week lunch before the end date. February, please oh please don’t be as terrible as January.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in December over here!