#when someone leaves a fic open (to read later etc)

[jnnul]

if i say...i love you!

a/n: i saw the if i say i love you trailer and i am a CHANGED WOMAN. was going to make this for taesan but there aren't enough loser leehan fics out there. cranked this out in one day so if there any grammatical errors, pls let me know <3 quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback!

word count: 7.4k

tags: high school au!, losers in love, leehan is referred to donghyun, dongmin is a character accurate loser + menace, jihyo han/jihan best girl!, the bnd boys are chaotic and stupid, leehan is in LOVE, warnings: none!

THERE'S A FAT CHANCE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO ACCEPT KIM DONGHYUN'S CONFESSION.

at least, this is what han dongmin says when donghyun lays out his plan in front of his best friend.

"why?" donghyun whines, looking down at his hasty scribbles on his blueprint. "what's wrong with the plan?"

dongmin rolls his eyes, not even looking down at the blueprint (which donghyun had literally drawn out his plan on blue paper to make the entire situation more official - but dongmin just thinks its childish, if not a little adorable) as he pads into the kitchen to grab a snack.

"well for starters, i'm fairly sure that y/n can't read what you've written," dongmin says, two packets of goldfish richer when he returns.

donghyun frowns as he looks down at the paper before groaning, realizing that the hieroglyphics he'd written in place of legible letters were definitely far from interpretation.

"what do i do?" donghyun bemoans, dragging out each syllable. "by the time i work up the courage to confess to her again, we'll all be senior citizens instead seniors in high school!"

dongmin snorts before finally giving the 'blueprint' a solid look to decipher exactly what donghyun's plan was.

"your plan is to get down on your knees before first period and ask her out in front of the entire class with - are those chocolates or suspiciously small grenades? - chocolates and flowers? and you think that she's going to be first of all, comfortable with this and second of all, willing to say yes?" dongmin shakes his head, shoving a handful of goldfish into his mouth. "even if she does have feelings for you, she'll probably say no just because of this plan."

donghyun lets out another groan as he lays on the floor, cursing his luck. when he'd run the plan by jaehyun, the older had said that it was the perfect plan. although, if myung jaehyun thought that this was a good way to ask someone out, that really should've been donghyun's first sign of danger.

"also did you even need an entire sketch for this? i mean, it seems pretty straightforward," dongmin says, barely dodging assault by very well aimed marker.

"well, if you're done snarking on my plan, can't you help me figure out how to ask her out?" donghyun says, flipping over to serve dongmin his killer move - puppy eyes. the motion is clearly lost on dongmin when he just shovels more goldfish into his mouth but after a painfully long moment of chewing dongmin moves from the couch to the floor.

"alright, alright, fine...here's what you're gonna do..."

TRIAL ONE: DONGMIN'S PLAN

"hey jihyo," donghyun says casually, nodding to you as he spoke with your best friend, han jihyo. it was 7:30 in the morning and while donghyun usually couldn't be bothered to woken up before 7:45 in the morning (when he would eventually be yelled at by his mother and then scramble to get to school), he felt surprisingly excited to get up early in the morning to get to the school.

jihyo looks at donghyun confusedly as she takes her seat right next to you, where you had your textbooks open in front of you, just like he knew you would. "hey donghyun. what's up?"

donghyun shrugs, trying his best not to look at you scribbling away as he converses with jihyo. "nothing much. i was just wondering if you were busy later today? dongmin got us tickets to watch a movie but our friends dropped out."

"which movie?" jihyo asks, eyes sparking up at the mention of donghyun's best friend.

"uh..." donghyun wracks his brain, trying to come up with a movie name on the spot. dongmin hadn't prepared him enough! "interstellar?"

"are you asking me or telling me?" jihyo says, just barely suppressing her laugh. next to her, you look like you're in a similar situation, eyes bright and sparkly with the efforts to not completely laugh in his face.

while donghyun would usually take this in a win in itself, he decided to push his luck just a bit further. "i'm telling you; it's dongmin's favorite movie."

he pretends to ignore the subtle elbow jab that you offer to jihyo, fighting down the corners of his lips that keep creeping upwards. perhaps this plan could help donghyun and dongmin - two birds one stone. even if in this situation, dongmin was completely oblivious to jihyo's affections...

"yeah, i'm free later on," jihyo says before turning to you, her hair covering her face so donghyun can't see her facial expression as she's speaking with you. "you're free too, right y/n? you're coming with us?"

"i mean, i am free but i don't want to intrude. we don't even know if dongmin has enough tickets," you point out, a little shy as you look anywhere but donghyun and jihyo - which is a little hard considering that jihyo is practically in your face and donghyun is a good two meters tall (or at least, that's what it feels like).

"i have tickets," dongmin says, announcing his presence with an arm slung around donghyun's shoulder.

"perfect! so then we'll meet you guys in the courtyard at the end of school," jihyo says, fluttering her eyelashes not so subtly at the sight of the large man currently dangling off of donghyun.

he flashes an 'ok' sign as the two boys make their way to the back of the classroom, dongmin snickering at donghyun's dazed expression.

neither of them realize that you've turned around in your seat, a soft look in your eyes as you steal glances at donghyun.

+++

"i hate you," donghyun mutters under his breath. dongmin slaps his forehead with the heel of his palm, staring at the tickets in his other hand.

"you didn't exactly give me enough time to secure four tickets to interstellar of all movies," dongmin hisses, turning to flash a sweet smile to jihyo and you, waiting in the line patiently for some popcorn as the boys stood outside the theatre.

"well you didn't prepare me with a movie name! i did the best i could," donghyun whispers back, pulling dongmin to the side when an older couple tries to enter the theatre behind them.

"yes, and now look. we've got four tickets scattered across the hall," dongmin says, waving the tickets in donghyun's face.

donghyun sighs, running a hand through his hair as he tries to figure out a solution to the situation.

"what if we just bounce and do something else? there's no point in watching the movie if we're all gonna be on opposite sides of the theatre," donghyun says and dongmin frowns, looking down at the tickets once more.

"wait wait...there's two seats that are next to each other. it's just the other two that are on the opposite sides of the theatre," dongmin says, pointing out the seat numbers on the tickets.

"so y/n and i will sit in those seats, and then you and jihyo will sit on opposite sides of the theatre?" donghyun asks, reaching out to grab the tickets when dongmin draws his hand back quickly, holding them out of reach.

"what happened?" you ask, voice soft and gentle as you and jihyo walk up to the boys with arms filled with popcorn and soft drinks.

donghyun and dongmin exchange a look before handing over the tickets sheepishly. jihyo takes the tickets with furrowed brows after handing over (dumping) the soft drinks in dongmin's arms.

"hm. okay, give me one sec, i'll text you guys," she says somewhat mysteriously before disappearing into the theatre where trailers were playing.

"uh...i feel like one of us should go with her," donghyun says before pushing dongmin through the door behind her. the bewildered look on his face is quickly covered by the doors that cover him in darkness.

the giggle that leaves your mouth might as well been a choir of angels by the way that donghyun feels weak in the knees, unable to tear his away from your frame.

"here, let me hold that," donghyun says, gently taking the larger than life tub of popcorn from your arms. you thank him shyly, tugging your jacket over your shoulders.

"do you remember the last time we watched a movie together?" you ask, a faint warmth in your cheeks. donghyun nods, tossing a kernel of popcorn into his mouth.

"i've learned that you should be kept far far away from horror movies," donghyun says cheekily. you pout, tucking your hair behind your ear.

"no one warned me that there would be that many jump scares," you complain, chewing on a piece of popcorn.

"i remember how you were shaking while the murderer was searching the house," donghyun laughs, dodging when you reach out to slap his arm. "you wouldn't let go of my arm until the murderer was put in a jail cell."

you clear your throat, trying to will away the heat that was building on your nape and cheeks. "interstellar doesn't have any jump scares does it?"

you look up to meet donghyun's eyes, only to realize that they're already looking into yours. big, bright, sparkly and looking at you as if he's trying to commit every detail about you to memory.

"no, no jump scares," he says softly, and suddenly you get the feeling that you're stumbling into a territory you've never explored before as he draws closer to you.

"um, that's good," you whisper, the moment suddenly too intimate to speak. donghyun looks at you for just a second too long before stepping back when there's a buzz in your pocket.

"dongmin and jihyo?" he asks, shoveling more popcorn into his mouth before you walked in, knowing that dongmin was prone to eating everything in sight when watching movies.

you nod, reading the text message out loud. "jihyo somehow convinced two people to switch seats so we've got seats all next to each other."

"cool. let's head inside then," donghyun says, the warmth of his body leaving yours. he pauses just before he enters the dark theatre, looking at you with a soft smile.

"and y/n? even if there aren't any jump scares, feel free to hold onto my arm."

+++

"what happened afterwards?" kim woonhak asks, sprawled out on park sungho's bed. sungho reaches over to smack him on the arm when woonhak opens up a bag of cheetos, only to spill them all over his bed.

"nothing, obviously. the fool started getting so into the movie that that's all he would talk about for a good hour before y/n said she had to go home and study," dongmin says, slapping donghyun upside the head when donghyun starts to contest his recollection of the situation.

"you're really stupid," lee sanghyeok says, accepting the packet of haribo gummy bears that jaehyun throws in his general direction.

"sure. but this is all because i listened to dongmin's idea. i was supposed to ask her out at the end of the movie in some weird, complicated speech that dongmin came up with," donghyun protests.

"see, that's your issue," sanghyeok says, wincing when woonhak rips the head off of a gummy bear as he eats it. "i don't know why you'd listen to the least romantic person in this room about how to ask a girl out."

"then what do you think i should do?" donghyun asks.

"well, as the only person out all of you fools with a girlfriend, here's what i think you should do," sanghyeok starts, holding up an ipad with a drawing on it.

"when the two of you are cleaning the classroom after classes..."

TRIAL TWO: SANGHYEOK'S PLAN

"uh, what do you mean that y/n's sick?" donghyun says dumbfoundedly. jihyo gives him a weird look as she continues to take down two copies of notes, confirming that y/n is most definitely not at school.

"i mean that she's sick. she caught something from her brother. she's not coming to school today," jihyo repeats, staring at her notes for a moment before continuing to write again.

"oh," donghyun says defeatedly, thanking jihyo before heading to the back of the classroom. dongmin appears in the doorway of the classroom not even two minutes later, lollipop in his mouth as he drops one on jihyo's desk before heading to the back of the classroom to sit down next to donghyun.

jihyo twists in her seat. "this is y/n's favorite flavor. i'll give it to her later when i drop off some soup my dad's making her."

"you're going to y/n's house?" donghyun asks, leaning forward on his elbows, looking like he was pretty close to toppling over the desk and onto the student in front of him.

"uh, yeah." donghyun scrambles out of his seat to head over to the front of the classroom where jihyo was sitting.

"can i come with you?" donghyun asks. jihyo looks at him strangely for a moment before craning her neck to dongmin behind him. it seems whatever she sees is enough to convince her because she nods after a beat of silence.

"sure. you can come too. i'm heading over after we clean the classroom," jihyo says, nodding over to where dongmin was sitting and thumbing through his phone with earbuds in. "bring dongmin too."

"why?" donghyun questions with an innocent expression, backing off when jihyo fixes him with an unimpressed look.

"consider it a favor exchange. my friend for yours."

+++

"you know what, i thought sanghyeok's idea was stupid anyway," sungho says over the phone. donghyun can vaguely hear the sound of weights being lifted and dropped and he figures that his college going friend was likely at the gym when donghyun had emergency called him with a need for a new plan.

"so what do you think i should do? i mean, i only have a couple minutes until jihyo comes out of her house after picking up the soup. how do i come up with a plan in the next three minutes?" donghyun asks worriedly, shoving dongmin away when he sees that dongmin's dangerously close to his phone, trying to figure exactly what sungho was saying on the other end.

"well, clearly food is out of the picture, since you don't have time and because you're a walking hazard when it comes to anything related to a stove," sungho says, more to himself than to donghyun.

"if you could come up with a way to help without snarking on my cooking skills, that would be highly appreciated," donghyun says drily, winding up to kick dongmin when he starts snickering from where he's leaned up against the wall.

"alright, alright. here's what you do, alright? first, when you get to her house..."

TRIAL THREE: SUNGHO'S PLAN

"you've seriously never been to tokyo?" dongmin asks incredulously, his hands shoved in his pockets. jihyo shakes her head, setting down the soup from where she'd just reheated it on your stove.

your parents were out of town on a business trip and according to what she knew about your brother, jihyo figured that park sunghoon was out frolicking around in the snowy streets with his own friends.

"i've never been on a plane before," jihyo explains, satisfied with the heat of the soup finally. dongmin just shrugs, looking around your house with a renewed interest when donghyun pads out of your room to where the other two were standing in the kitchen.

"is she still sleeping?" jihyo asks, trying the soup herself. donghyun nods, rubbing his hands to create some friction and warm them up.

"yeah. she seems to be waking up but i think that she's still pretty out of it right now," donghyun explains before picking up the container of soup. "do you think that you can bring the paracetamol? it looks like y/n has a pretty bad headache."

"how can you tell she has a headache?" dongmin asks, his question turning to a whisper when jihyo looks at him with a withering glare.

"it's called having empathy, han dongmin," jihyo calls out, looking for the paracetamol in one of the medicine cabinets.

"empathy? i have plenty of empathy," dongmin says under his breath sullenly as he follows jihyo into your bedroom.

you're laying in bed, curled up in carefully laid covers, clearly donghyun's work by the way he's examining the bedspread with rather severe scrutiny, as if he's willing the hearts on your bedspread would turn into mini heaters to provide warmth to your sick and tired body. your eyebrows are furrowed, even in your sleep, as though you were fighting away the illness with a physical weapon with effort.

"y/n? you gotta wake up soon. sunghoon said you've been sleeping for hours and that you haven't eaten anything yet," jihyo says, setting the paracetamol down on your nightstand.

"yeah, where is sunghoon anyway?" dongmin asks, watching as donghyun wakes you gently, offering you a smile so sweet, even dongmin feels himself swooning.

"gallivanting on the streets. he's still sick himself but there's no containing the man," you explain, sitting up in your bed. you somehow don't seem all that alarmed that there are so many foreign people in your room, looking worse for the wear.

"here's soup. don't worry, i didn't make it - jihyo's dad did," donghyun says softly, handing the bowl of soup over with so much care, it seemed as though he were handling a live grenade.

you let out a mellow laugh, coughing at the effort as you accept the bowl of soup, letting out a blissful sigh after sipping a spoonful. "tell your dad i said thank you, ji."

jihyo just waves you off, unzipping her backpack to search for her other copy of notes. "here are the notes from today. the biology lecture really gave me a headache so i wouldn't even try to decipher that until you feel better unless you want to feel like a tightrope walker with an anvil on your head."

"that's...really descriptive," dongmin says, laughing when jihyo shoves him.

"i can help you," donghyun says, watching you carefully as you take another sip of soup, thankful for the liquid warming you up from the inside.

"you're willing to sit with me to study biology? are you sure that you don't think it'll be a bother?" you ask, looking up at donghyun through your lashes. donghyun's breath catches in his throat when you do. somehow, even with a runny nose, mussed hair, and granny pajamas, donghyun thinks you look like the vision of beauty.

"it's not a bother to me. spending time with you could never be a bother," donghyun says offhandedly, looking at the label on the paracetamol. it's only when the entire room goes silent does he realize that he'd spoken out loud.

he looks around nervously for a moment before his eyes land on you, staring at him, bright-eyed and every inch the reason why donghyun has trouble sleeping at night these days.

"i mean, you're my friend, right? why would it be a bother to spend time with your friend?" donghyun backtracks and he hears jihyo and dongmin let out a breath behind him. you still look somewhat confused before you nod slowly, finishing your soup.

"friend, right."

+++

"you were at her house and you still fucked it up," woonhak laments, wincing when jaehyun chucks a pillow at him.

"language," the older boy says before flopping on sungho's bed next to woonhak.

"why do you delinquents always have to come to my room? can't we ever hang out in sanghyeok or jaehyun's room? or better yet, why can't we ever hang out at your guys' houses?" sungho complains, but he still sits down next to jaehyun, shoving the two boys a little bit over to make space for himself.

"because your room is the cleanest," sanghyeok points out, never looking up from the homework he was working on at sungho's desk.

"yeah, unfortunately sanghyeok's room is currently serving another purpose," jaehyun snorts.

"what, as a pigsty?" dongmin quips, a smirk drawn out on his lips when sanghyeok fixes him with a thoroughly unimpressed look.

"all of you are useless," donghyun wails, swatting sungho's hands away from his hair. "i've been trying to confess to her for a good week and a half now and all i've managed to do is make a fool out of myself three separate times."

"you didn't make a fool out of yourself, donghyun," woonhak comforts before jaehyun sits up from where he was scrolling on his phone, shaking his head.

"nope, he definitely did. the first time, when dongmin booked four separate tickets and jihyo had to save your ass so you could attempt to confess after the movie, just to ramble about physics and black holes for hours. and then when y/n never showed up to school so you couldn't confess to her while you were cleaning the classroom like sanghyeok suggested. and then when he couldn't even take care of her properly like sungho suggested while she was sick because he can't cook if his life depended on it." woonhak nods when jaehyun finishes his spiel, much to the horror of donghyun, who was now starfish on the floor, looking ready to throw a tantrum.

"yeah, i can see why she would think he's weird," woonhak says with an air of seriousness.

"you guys think she thinks i'm weird?" donghyun cries out dramatically.

"no, otherwise you wouldn't be going to the library together on sunday to go over biology," sanghyeok points out logically, flipping through the pages of his textbook with a crease in his forehead from focusing.

"see, the issue is that all three of those fools are way too subtle with their confessions. sungho's ideas especially was stupid," jaehyun says. "i mean seriously, telling her that you're half in love with her while she's gotta killer migraine must've been the stupidest idea i've ever heard."

"you thought that asking her out in front of the entire class was a good idea," dongmin reminds jaehyun, who just rolls his eyes.

"you guys have no sense of romance."

"i have a girlfriend."

"shut up, sanghyeok."

"damn, alright. i didn't realize all of you were that salty that you're single losers."

"SHUT UP SANGHYEOK!"

after sanghyeok has been served with enough slander for being an insufferable boy in love, woonhak and jaehyun turn to donghyun with twin expressions of evil on their faces.

"you need to man up, donghyun! here's how you tell her that you like her..."

TRIAL FOUR: JAEHYUN AND WOONHAK'S PLAN

"so the reason why this question is phrased this way is because you're supposed to focus on the oxygen affinity for fetuses versus adults based on this curve," donghyun explains patiently, pointing at various points on the diagram in front of him as he speaks.

you nod hesitantly as you follow his hand around the paper before ultimately shaking your head, slumping down on the table.

"i'm sorry donghyun, this entire thing might just end up being a waste of your time. i have no clue what any of this means," you mutter disheartenedly looking at donghyun.

donghyun just shakes his head, smiling as he closes the textbook and stretching. at the table over from the two of you, dongmin and jihyo are bickering about the best my chemical romance instead of studying for english like they'd promised when your teacher announced the upcoming exam on friday.

in the ideal world, dongmin and jihyo would be off being a cute couple (whether they realized it or not) somewhere where donghyun couldn't see them and be jealous but the effervescent feeling he gets from spending time with you is more than enough to douse that jealousy.

"you're shoving a lot of information into your brain. it's hard to get on the fiftieth try, much less the first," donghyun says gently, and you peek up at him, only to cast your gaze elsewhere when you realize just how overwhelming it is to look at him.

it's a warm feeling that spreads through your body as you realize that donghyun looks at you as though you may as well have put the stars in the sky personally for him.

funny. did he ever realize that you looked at him the same way?

but you're left to leave your thoughts with the disarray of papers when donghyun stands up, shrugging his jacket and scarf on.

"come on, let's go get you some coffee," he says, lifting up your jacket to hand it to you. you offer him a small smile as you put your jacket on, following him out of the library once he's stopped and dongmin and jihyo's table to ask them to watch your stuff.

"bring me back a latte!" you faintly hear jihyo whisper-shout, to which donghyun turns around to flash her a thumbs up before leading you out of the library.

the weather outside is surprisingly clear and warm for how much it's snowed over the past few days.

"you didn't put a scarf on?" donghyun chastises, unwrapping his own scarf and draping it around your neck. you try to protest, giving donghyun back his scarf but he just ignores you, expertly ducking and weaving as you try to drape the scarf back on him.

"you're going to get cold!" you exclaim, but you don't fight him when he wraps the scarf around your neck properly.

"you know, i wanted to be your friend since the day i saw you, back in middle school," donghyun says, his breath leaving his lips in clouds as the two of you walked the three blocks between the café and the library.

you wrack your brain, trying to recall the first time that you'd met donghyun. "i thought we met in high school, though? at jihyo's birthday party?"

donghyun just smiles, looking up at the clear skies. "that's when you first saw me. i saw you back in middle school."

"really?" you ask quietly, shocked by the knowledge that donghyun had been thinking about you in whichever capacity for so long.

"yeah. i remember you had braces back then but you still were the prettiest girl in class. you always used to be so quiet and kept to yourself but you were so sweet to everyone around you. i remember when jihyo found out that she was nearsighted, you used to write her notes for her every period until she got glasses. and then again, when she had lasik surgery," donghyun says casually, opening the café door as the two of you enter.

"you - you weren't even in our class," you say, shivering even in the warmth of the café. donghyun seems to notice, by the way that he draws closer to you - so close that you can see the faint freckle by his eye.

"no," he agrees simply. "but i knew anyway."

"you paid that much attention to me?" you ask incredulously. donghyun shrugs, nudging you forward when the person in front of you orders.

"i've always paid that much attention to you, y/n. i just don't think you ever paid that attention to me," donghyun says faintly. you feel weak in the knees at the insinuation, moving forward somewhat dazedly.

"a caramel macchiato, vanilla latte, an americano, and a hot ginger tea please," donghyun says, completely ignoring you when you offer your card to the cashier, swiping his quickly.

"you didn't have to buy coffee for me," you say, tucking your hair behind your ear. donghyun tilts his head, eyes forming little crescents at your gesture.

"hmm." the two of you find a table to sit at while you wait for your orders to come out before you turn to donghyun, curiosity blatant on your face.

"how did you know my coffee order?"

"like i said, y/n. i've noticed you for a while before you ever noticed me."

+++

"you had everything in place! why didn't you tell her about your feelings?" jihyo cries out from where she's sitting in donghyun's beanbag chair, dongmin sitting right next to her, squishing the poor beanbag to near smithereens.

"i agree with her! why didn't you tell her about your feelings?" dongmin exclaims. donghyun rolls his eyes, throwing the tennis ball in his hands at the ceiling before catching it and throwing it back up.

"why is she invited to this anyway?" woonhak asks, even as he offers jihyo a chocopie from the stash of snacks that sungho and jaehyun had gathered after raiding donghyun's pantry.

"because she's the object of this guy's affections for the past four years," sanghyeok says, pointing at jihyo and then donghyun. "it's good to get all of the firepower you can get, with how much a dunce this kid is."

"first of all, i'm not a dunce. and second of all, i haven't asked her out because i don't want to ask her out using one of you idiots' plan," donghyun explains. "i wanna ask her out the way i wanna ask her out."

dongmin sighs, shaking his head. "how is it that you're so mature and suave when you're speaking with y/n and you're such a child when you're with us."

"i think woonhak has cooties and donghyun somehow imbibes them whenever he's in a forty kilometer radius of him," jaehyun offers as explanation.

"shut up. you and i had the same idea for how donghyun should ask y/n out," woonhak reminds jaehyun to which jaehyun has no choice but to just nod along, munching on a chocopie.

"anyway. can we talk about dongmin and jihyo for a second. how the hell is it that y/n and i went to the café while you two were fighting like cats and dogs about the best mcr song and we come back to you to basically making out in the library," donghyun says, turning in his swivel chair to smile smugly at the conjoined twins on his beanbag chair.

"shut up!" jihyo yells, throwing a chocopie wrapper, only to incite more laughter from the boys when it falls to the floor pathetically.

"hey, to be fair, it only took us about two years of knowing each other to start dating," dongmin specifies. "it's just that the past month of trying to push you and y/n together pushed us together enough for us to realize that maybe dating wouldn't be such a bad idea."

jihyo and donghyun exchange a look (a threatening glare from jihyo and very thinly surpressed smirk from donghyun) - something, which unfortunately, does not go unnoticed by the rest of the boys. especially dongmin, who twists to look at his girlfriend with an unbelieving look.

"no way. don't tell me you also have some pining love story like donghyun," dongmin incredulously. at jihyo's silence, the entire group erupts into chaos, with sungho and donghyun (after feeling guilty) trying to silence them in vain.

"oh my god, just when i thought they couldn't get any more insufferably cute!"

"god, i hate both of them."

"why is everyone so bad at confessing their feelings."

"i'm gonna tell my girlfriend about this; she's gonna find this hilarious."

"i REALLY need to stop being single."

dongmin just ignores all of them, pressing a chaste kiss to jihyo's cheek when he realizes that she's gone bright red from the attention to her feelings.

donghyun mimes throwing up when he does so but can't help the smile on his face when he turns to his phone.

"anyway, anyway. back to the donghyun and y/n intervention," jihyo says, clearing her throat. she still earns a couple cheeky grins but manages to turn the gazes of the group to the individual sitting at his desk, frozen in his spot.

"what's wrong?" woonhak asks concernedly. donghyun just lifts up his phone to show the others in the room.

y/n (<3): hey, can we talk?

TRIAL FIVE: DONGHYUN'S PLAN

"y/n? is everything alright?" donghyun says, his footsteps masked by the snow that didn't melt from when it snowed again a few days ago.

you look up at him with a nervous smile. "yeah, everything's fine. um...do you wanna sit down?"

you scoot over to make space for donghyun on the bench you were sitting on. the bench faced the pond, somewhat concealed from the busy streets of seoul by the various coniferous trees that lined the public park.

"sure. yeah." donghyun takes a seat next to you, knee bouncing nearly as soon as he sits down.

"you look nervous," you say gingerly.

"you look nervous," donghyun echoes.

"touché." you fiddle with your hands, the evening suddenly feeling a lot colder than you thought it would be. donghyun notices, just as he notices everything, and for some reason, he shifts so that he's sitting on his hands. almost as he was physically stopping himself from doing something.

"so...what did you want to talk about?" donghyun asks, watching as a young child tries to escape his father's grip to run straight down the little slope that fed into the pond.

"nothing," you squeak out before shutting your eyes tight when you feel donghyun turn to look at you instead of the pond.

"oh. did - did you just want company as you sat outside for a bit?" donghyun stutters, not sure of what to do with himself.

"no," you start, before shaking your head at your own words. "i mean, i do have something to say. i'm just trying to find the words to say it."

"you know, i've been meaning to tell you something to you too," donghyun says tenderly and you immediately nudge him, encouraging him to go ahead and say his piece first.

"no way, you have to tell me first," donghyun defends, turning his nose up away from you when you try to catch his eye, trying to grasp his jacket to turn him towards you.

"i'm nervous, donghyun. can't you do me a favor and go ahead first?" you plead and donghyun melts, unable to hear any sort of sorrow in your voice - for whatever reason.

"alright, how about we say it at the same time?" he proposes and you concede as you nod, retracting your hand, not noticing the way that donghyun's gaze follows your movement.

he lifts three fingers, then folds one, until there's only one left. you shut your eyes, unable to see the expression on his face.

"i like you!"

"i love you."

you immediately open your eyes, jaw hanging as you stare at donghyun, who looks equally flummoxed by your words.

"you like me?" he asks, pointing a finger at you. you turn the finger back at him incriminatingly.

"you love me?" you gasp and donghyun's gaze grows tender, taking his other hand to trap your hand between his two large ones.

"for a while," he admits sheepishly, a shyness so uncharacteristic to the gentlemanly and smooth donghyun you were used to. "i've been trying to confess to you for the past month now. you just...never noticed."

you laugh besides yourself, immediately willing all laughter away when donghyun looks at you with a hurt expression.

"you've been trying to confess to me? donghyun, i've been trying to confess to you for the past month!"

"what?" he stammers. "you've been what for the past month?"

"yes, you fool. i've been trying to confess to you for months. i've liked you for months! and then when you asked jihyo and i to the movie, i figured that it was dongmin's scheme to ask jihyo out so i decided to use the chance to ask you out. and then the whole tickets fiasco happened," you explain, inching closer to him. donghyun uses the opportunity to thread his hand with your own, tugging you close to him so that his body warmth could envelope your shivering frame.

"and then you spent the next hour talking about the movie and you just seemed so excited that i didn't want to distract you. and you know, you're cute, when you're excited," you continue, grinning stupidly when donghyun turns away his head to hide his shy expression.

"so this whole month, you've been trying to confess to me too?"

"donghyun, you say i haven't paid attention but i swear to god, you are so dense sometimes."

TRIAL SIX: Y/N'S PLAN

"look, look," jihyo whispers under her breath as donghyun enters the classroom. you don't look up, not wanting to feed into jihyo's taunts, knowing that it would only serve as fodder for her teasing later on. you wait for donghyun to pass by your desk to the back of the classroom, where he sat everyday, staring out of the window rather than paying attention to any of the classes. any of the classes other than biology, that was.

but to your surprise, donghyun stops at your desks, talking to jihyo about some movie or another. a pang of jealousy that you try to swat away strikes in your chest before you hear dongmin's name and hear donghyun's attempts to keep from snickering in jihyo's face

ah. so he was just the messenger for dongmin.

you continue to write, not sure of what exactly you were writing anymore as you were trying not to make it overt that you were listening to jihyo and donghyun's conversation.

"i know you have tutoring today, but push it back until seven in the evening," jihyo whispers hotly once donghyun has disappeared from earshot.

"you have a movie date."

+++

"are you going to finally use this chance to ask him out?" jihyo asks when she catches you staring at the tall boy conversing with his friend outside the theatre hall as the two of you stood in line for refreshments.

"that's the goal," you respond with a sigh. "i don't know if he feels the same but i don't want to regret never telling him about my feelings."

jihyo nudges you softly. "hey, don't have such a negative outlook. you don't know how he feels, right? don't knock it before it happens."

you don't respond, watching donghyun chasing his friend around with a blithe smile, waving the tickets in the air.

+++

"i personally thought that the best part of the movie was when the dad ended up inside..." donghyun rambles excitedly, holding scoops of popcorn in his hands as he explains his theories to dongmin. you can't help the smile on your face as you watch him act so carefree and enthusiastic. dongmin nods along, explaining his own theory every so often.

jihyo's eyes dart between donghyun and dongmin before she slumps down, taking a long sip of her fanta. "somehow, i don't think that any level of confession is going to happen today."

you just laugh, content to listen to your friends discuss their favorite scenes from the movie before clicking your phone open, only to curse when you realized you only had a few minutes before tutoring.

"i'm so sorry - i have to get going!" you say hurriedly, gathering your things as quick as you can before you rush out of the theatre, wincing when you realize the amount of courage you'd have to work up once again to confess to him.

but donghyun just watches your uncomfortable expression as you rush away, unsure of it was his fault.

+++

you sit up in your bed, accepting the bowl of soup that donghyun hands you, trying your best to ignore the tingle of electricity that runs down your spine when your fingers brush against his.

your focus fades in and out of the comfortable rhythm of the conversation as you sip on the soup when jihyo drops the daunting copy of notes she'd written for you on your desk.

"i can help you," donghyun says, anchoring back to the conversation. you try not to show the fact that your heartbeat is now around the same decibel as a plane taking off, instead trying to deny his offer for fear that spending too much time together might cause to spit out the words you've been chewing on day and night for the past few days.

but something about the way that he says he's more than happy to help you and that you're not being a bother by asking for help makes you stutter for just a moment and in a second of weakness, you accept his help.

"friend." the word feels surprisingly bitter on your tongue when you echo the way donghyun says it, like its been dripped in lead in the way that it sits so heavy.

not when you wanted so much more

+++

"you know what, this will be the perfect timing for you and i to ask them both out," jihyo says, opening the door to the library as the two of you head inside.

"i still cannot believe you and him have been fighting like cats and dogs and you think that it's peak romance," you laugh as jihyo shoves you playfully.

"whatever," she says before turning to you, surprisingly serious. "alright, promise me that you'll ask him out. whenever i'm alone with dongmin, i'll confess my feelings for him so you have to promise that you'll confess your feelings to donghyun."

you interlock your pinky with her, only to drop your hands when you stumble across donghyun and dongmin, who are sitting with their heads together, looking not too unlike head-butting bulls.

"oh. have we interrupted something?" you ask through a stifled giggle, causing donghyun and dongmin to spring apart. you swear that dongmin quite literally is suspended in air for a good two seconds before landing once more in his chair.

"no, no, not at all. come y/n. you and i can sit here," donghyun says, pulling out a chair for you to sit in.

you try your best to ignore jihyo's gaze as you pull out your textbooks, ready to learn as much biology as you possibly could. and maybe put off any sense of confession for as long as possible.

+++

"weren't you the one who said that you didn't want to regret not confessing your feelings to him?" jihyo points out, stirring a mug of hot chocolate. you nod, slumping in your chair.

"i know..." you scramble to straighten your posture as you lean over the table to look at jihyo. "how did you ask out dongmin?"

she shrugs, uncharacteristically shy as she takes a sip of hot chocolate. "i didn't. dongmin asked me out."

you groan, sliding down your chair once more. "why can't donghyun ask me out? what if i just never work up the courage to ask him out?"

jihyo just laughs at your torment when her phone buzzes. she pulls her phone out of her pocket before reading the text message.

dongminnie mouse: donghyun's house in twenty. you're officially on the donghyun and y/n intervention squad >:)

she pockets her phone once more before sliding her hot chocolate over to you before gathering her belongings.

"where you going?" you call out, passing off the hot chocolate to your brother padding down the stairs. jihyo slips her shoes on before turning around with a shit-eating grin.

"to go and fix your issue for you!"

TRIAL SEVEN: FATE'S PLAN

"that's one killer best friend," donghyun huffs as he pieces together the entire situation together. "if only dongmin was as competent; we'd have had this conversation months ago."

you rest your head against donghyun's shoulder, watching as the sun slowly begins to start its descent into the horizon.

"i don't know. i'm kinda glad that things worked out the way that they did. what if i didn't feel as strongly as i do now? maybe this was all meant to be," you say softly. donghyun smiles, turning to look you in the eyes.

just as sparkly, bright and so full of affection as you knew his eyes would be.

he leans in close, just a breath away from you as his eyes never leave yours.

"really? and if i say i love you right now?" he asks, and you forget why you'd ever been scared to confess to this boy, so full of love just for you.

you lean in even closer, pressing your lips against in a sweet, tender kiss, smiling when his lips seem follow yours even with his eyes closed.

"does that answer your question?"

"more than enough."

[polutrope]

(ao3 stats complaining)

[kamiversee]

The F*ck List (semi-official) Breakdown.

The following was submitted by my lovely ☃️anon, & I needed to make this it’s own post given how long it is, my replies & clarifications are written in between this breakdown & theory (Ex: A/N > Etc.). 

Here, you’ll find majority of details you may have missed & maybe even more to think about. Enjoy :)

(wc; 5.7k) (content; spoilers ofc)

holy shit Kami. i literally had to take the entire day to process everything. before anything else, i need you to know that you've created an absolute masterpiece. TFL was the first fic i ever cared to keep up with and it has set the bar impossibly high for any other writer out there. please take your time with TFL 2, i'm so excited to read your other work!! also a break sounds like it would be so good for your mind considering how long you've dedicated yourself to this story 😭😭😭 you're seriously impressive. heads up, i didn't proofread this at all bc i finished typing this at 4 am LMFAO so forgive me if it's all scrambled and makes no sense.

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A/N > Thank you for taking the time to write this breakdown, I seriously appreciate it so I wanted to take my time in responding to it & engaging with you :)

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now, on to the yap. i deadass cracked my knuckles before typing all this out.

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A/N > You’re so real for tht ngl

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i reread the entirety of TFL from chapter 1 and my brain is so melted from analyzing that i'll prob find more details tomorrow after i sleep on some theories 😭 BUT HOLY FUCK YOU REALLY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE HINTING AT GOJO'S OBSESSION SINCE LITERALLY THE FIRST CHAPTER??? the fucking hint being that "Gojo's desire for you is so strong it's almost frightening." GIRLLLLLL 🫵🫵🫵🫵🫵🫵

your foreshadowing and referencing is insane. idk if you intended a lot of it, but a lot of it caught my eye.

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A/N> I TOLD YOU GUYS IVE BEEN DOIN IT SINCE THE FIRST CHAPTER !! Okay not exactly but like there was a vibe I had from the first chapter & when I later came up with the twist & went back and saw that everything would connect perfectly ^.^

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chapter 7; the reader and Gojo have lighthearted banter about how the reader "started this" situation.

"I made a mistake." [reader] 

"A good one." 

"Bad one." You correct.

this was regarding a completely different situation but it baffled me how much it connects to the plot itself; the reader making the "mistake" of leaving her door open, and how it lead to months full of trauma and love. probably completely unintentional, but such a good detail.

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A/N > Very intentional btw, it’s supposed to be known that, in a sense, Gojo x reader is forbidden :)

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Choso's still staring at you intently, "What version of you would someone not like?" 

The way he words his question only furthers that little feeling in your chest. It's almost as though he were implying that any and all versions of you would be acceptable in his eyes. - Chapter 16

THE WAY WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT CHOSO WOULD STICK BY US REGARDLESSSSSSSS AAAAAA WE'RE SO BLIND!!! i just hope this stays true to the sequel :')

"No, I wish you didn't have to hate me." He says, shutting his eyes again and sucking in a deep breath, "B-But... it's uh, It's okay. I can live with you hating me." - Chapter 21

AAAA WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!! WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS WAS FORESHADOWING OUR FUTURE WITHOUT GOJO 😭😭😭 how he can live with the idea of the reader hating him so long as she's happy with Choso, especially considering his later revelations of how twisted his actions were and how if you stuck with him, he'd view you differently. fuck.

You despise the fact that he loves you. To you, it's almost entitled for him to feel like he has that right. How dare he hold such a strong emotion for you? If he felt this way, why is he forcing you to sleep with people for him? It makes no sense. 

Why would someone claim to love you and put you through so much? 

If he's been in love with you all this time, why start the list in the first place? Why couldn't he have just tried to win your heart from the beginning? Why the list? Why the blackmail? You don't understand him. - Chapter 23

i'm crushed. we didn't understand because we didn't know that Sukuna was involved. that could mean a million other things. i have some far-fetched theories about this but hear me out later!!!

the entirety of chapter 23 had me fucking floored while i was rereading. THE FORESHADOWING WAS EVERYWHERE!!! EVERY FUCKING WHERE

"No sweetheart, Sukuna's an asshole but..." His expression flickers and his smile fades away. He swallows and then clears his throat, "I'm pretty sure he'll satisfy you just fine." 

...

You narrow your eyes at him, "Are you sure?" 

...

 "Fuckin' positive," Gojo suddenly sounds pissed and you grow concerned. The arm around you gets a little tighter while he walks you through some crowds and you keep looking at the man confused. 

There's a vein popping out along his jawline because of how hard he's gritting his teeth.

of course he's aggravated because he knows that Sukuna is the one behind the list in the first place 😭😭😭 I'M SORRY WE DOUBTED YOU SATORU, FUCKKKK

——FIFTEEN MINUTES. That was the exact amount of time it took you to seduce Sukuna. The act was way too easy. Actually, it was suspiciously easy.

BECAUSE HE FUCKING KNEW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"What all did you plan on doing tonight aside from getting harassed by strangers?" Sukuna suddenly questions against your skin. 

You ignore how close he is and the way his lips make you tense, turning your head to face forward. Chuckling at his last comment, "Same thing as everyone else here." You reply, slightly confused by his question. 

"Bullshit," He utters, "Nobody dresses like this without the intent of gaining my attention," Sukuna claims while his hands slide back down along your body.

this 100% could be just him being cocky and Sukuna, but the recent reveal just makes this feel like an extra demeaning interaction. but of course, it's Sukuna.

chapter 24 is so fucking shady too with everything we know. i know you addressed some of these points already bc i brought them up in previous anon messages, but these things still had me paranoid;

the way Sukuna leaves us and tells the reader to go to his room after a certain amount of time (i know he could have just been tidying up real quick but everything about this man has me on edge)

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A/N> A lot of people are on edge about this but I’ll be honest, there’s nothing crazy that happens in between this time period. Not saying nothing happens but nothing crazy— it’ll be addressed later (in the next fic most likely)

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the way he's been consistently on the phone since the reader entered the room, which is shortly after she messaged Gojo saying that she'll be able to cross Sukuna off of this list by tonight which he wasn't happy with at all.

no seriously, he kept diverting his attention to something in the bathroom and then came out, still on his phone. maybe he's talking to literally anyone else but STILL I'M PARANOID

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A/N> This is to show the fact that Sukuna is a very socially active individual, & hints to the theory (I think you later state) that he has connections.

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this happens in chapter 25 but the way he keeps smiling while the reader kisses him is just so smug of him especially considering the original reason as to why the reader's even interacting with him

then the spicy chapters with Sukuna…

the foreshadowing that the lack of knowledge of Sukuna's reputation will come back to bite her in the ass; first with the knowledge that he is abusive, and then her finding out that he is the curator of the list, knowing the full details of her blackmail and even threatening her again.

WHO DID HE FUCKING FIGHT HELPPPPP MY MIND IS BOGGLING there's no way it's Gojo, right? they're both too unscathed in these next few chapters for there to have been a fight between the two of them.

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A/N > It’s not Gojo. 🙏

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THE FUCKING MOMENT WHERE HE CONTEMPLATED SOMETHING WITH THE PHONE IN HIS HAND??? I FUCKING KNEW IT. I FUCKING CALLED IT WAS SOMETHING SHADY AS HELL.

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A/N> The other Sukuna hint I was talking about is right before this moment btw, you’re welcome ;)

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then he has the audacity to hold his tongue right afterwards?? it's such a big hint towards the fact that he knew about the list from the beginning UGHHHHHHHH.

the way he tried to humor the reader about her "job" even though he was in on the whole thing. UGH. SUKUNA WHEN I GET YOU SUKUNA?? 👊👊👊👊 especially with that "whore" joke right afterwards. i can't stand him. i know that it's implied that he has a twisted view on women from having abusive women in his life (his mom and his ex who he punched) BUT STILL. he's so lucky he's fictional and hot.

the fact that we're able to pick up on the fact that it's a "crazy coincidence" that he continues the whore jokes UGHHHHH HE HAS BEEN PLAYING US FROM THE STAAAAAARTT

Gojo got upset at something from Sukuna's party, he didn't want you to call yourself a whore all of a sudden, Sukuna seems to have believed that was your actual job, and you remember how pissed Gojo seemed as he thought about you sleeping with Sukuna- 

Holy fuck. Are the two connected somehow? Is something going on? What does Gojo owe Sukuna? Does Sukuna know you only slept with him as payment to clear Gojo's debt? Is-

GIRL YOU WERE ALMOST THERE!!!! YOU ALMOST HAD IT!!!

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A/N > I love teasing in my narration by nearly spoiling things 😹

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---

seriously though, these chapters killed me. the official end obliterated my heart. it's so fucking bittersweet i want to scream at the top of a high building. the reader ends up happy and with someone she loves, which is fantastic for her. she deserves that after everything she went through. Choso treats her so, so well.

but Gojo. with the theories i have, i feel horrible. i was so harsh towards him as a die hard Choso girly but these endings changed me. i just hope i'm right.

the fact that his healing journey is harsher than ours makes this ending sting so much. he's healed, and you can see it with his demeanor from the call and the way he interacted with the reader.

we were always made aware of the way he looked at us such deep attachment. the initial gleam shows that he's happy to see us, but that he's not reliant on us for his happiness anymore. he's finding that on his own, and it's a grueling process for him. i wished the reader gave him a hug, but that would probably make me feel even worse.

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A/N> He gave her a lil side hug (with his arm over her shoulder) & was resting his head on hers at the end if that makes you feel any better 😅

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"Through my blackmailing, I fell for you but I also did it because I loved you from the start." i'm gonna throw up bro i'm so sad. i'm proud of his growth. his obsession was so, so strong but he always prioritized the reader's happiness over himself. i know that being self-sacrificial is so core to his personality but it doesn't make it suck any less. i'm devastated. i started blasting mitski in the car on my way to work after reading this.

i thought i was ready for the journal burning. i was so ready for this tie to be severed, for them to finally move on. but i failed to realize that it could ultimately mean a life without each other. it makes sense as to why, but it still sucks.

kami i need that poly ending before i cry my eyes out at 4 am rn. you know i can't handle angst, but bittersweet endings lowkey hurt me even more. i need all my babies to be happy. i desperately need it.

but that alt ending... fuck. in a horrible, sick, and twisted way, i'm relieved. i'm a Choso girly from the bottom of my heart but i can't let this Gojo go omfg. even if he shows up for one more chapter, i think i'll be alright. BUT IT BETTER NOT BE FOR DEATH KAMI!!!! I HAVE A FEW EXCERPTS THAT SUGGEST DEATH FLAGS BUT I AM SIMPLY NOT LOOKING AT THEM. DON'T DO THIS TO ME KAMIIIIIII. i need this boy to be frolicking in a field of flowers or something. my heart can't take this.

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A/N> I know I reference death a lot but that’s just to add a sense of how dramatic the characters are 🫶

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---

okay, time for my mind-fucky theory. pls bare with me. if it wasn't obvious by my last post, i'm 100% on board with the theory that Sukuna's blackmailing Gojo, which started this whole thing. but the thing that is getting me is how this all connects. i have some assumptions that could make sense, but there are a handful of gaps. here's my thought process;

Sukuna's blackmailing Gojo by using his obsession/love against him.

we are already familiar with the fact that Gojo has liked the reader for years. there was a chapter where Gojo mentioned that it started off as a "crush" but he was so oblivious to his own obsession up until the reader mentioned it to him. it's to the point that he didn't understand what was wrong with the idea of hurting people for the reader. who's to say that Sukuna didn't catch him in some sort of heinous act regarding the reader like stalking?

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A/N > You’re cooking with this one and I almost, almost had to go get the fire extinguisher :D

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Gojo didn't understand the difference between love and obsession until later on in the story. this would be consistent with the implication that Gojo just loved her so deeply that his morals were askew as we have yet to find out how far his love goes.

what if Sukuna caught him in the act of doing god knows what, and brought up the fact that if the reader found out about this, that she'd get super freaked out and would do everything she can to get away from him (considering probably barely knew each other, if at all, at this point). but why would Sukuna devise such a plan over a money bribe? well, Sukuna's already revealed to be wealthy, and maybe he was bored. the same line that Gojo kept repeating to the reader whenever she questioned him as to why he did it. what if Gojo asked Sukuna why he's blackmailing him, and he said the exact same thing; "I was bored." we see how much Sukuna mirrors Gojo's speech by calling the reader "sweetheart" often, what if Gojo did the same thing? 

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A/N > Gojo & Sukuna do have a few parallels in this story & they will be addressed more in the sequel.

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we wondered in chapter 23 how Gojo reaches out to these men to ensure their debt is "paid," but considering how oblivious everyone else on the list is to Gojo owing them anything, it would make sense that he only reports to Sukuna as he is ordered to do so. but two things stumped me on this theory overall.

the reader said that she used to party a lot and get involved with boys before Gojo. if he was stalking her for so long, why did he wait so long to approach her?

what specifically would be the blackmail that Sukuna has on Gojo?

regarding the first point, it's been mentioned that Gojo has been "scared of women" and was shy when it came to approaching the reader. he knew of her for so long, but was able to constantly slip under her radar. considering how much of a pervert he is, it wouldn't have been surprising for him to sneak around and watch in on the reader hooking up with other guys. after all, these guys were probably complete strangers to him and all he cared about was you. remember how Gojo was basically able to tune out his own best friend, Suguru, when the reader was hooking up with him in their living room? it wouldn't be wild to assume that he was able to do the same for your other hookups as he spied on you.

to connect this with second point, what if Sukuna caught Gojo being a peeping tom on the reader during a party hook-up? while being so distracted in the act of spying, Sukuna spots him. the reader wouldn't be alright with the fact that someone who's barely an acquaintance (if that, depending on the time this occurred) to her has been perving around and watching her have sex without her consent. she would do anything to get away from Gojo, and of course that would crush him. Gojo tried to buy Sukuna's silence by any means necessary. so, Sukuna generated a list of people that he and Gojo mutually knew for the reader to fuck. the reasoning for it would be the fact that Gojo has to sit through the process of having the girl he likes fuck a bunch of guys besides him, and the fact that Gojo knew all these men would make it sting more. plus, he has a reputation for hookups. (chapter 8)

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A/N > You’re like RIGHT there with it and yet not there at the same time omg 😟

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but why would Gojo agree to this deal with Sukuna, and why would he also go with the method of blackmailing the reader? it's basically a guarantee that the reader would be scared away regardless. but again, we could recall that Shoko mentioned that he was too "scared of women" to approach the reader at first. this was his chance to finally approach her. plus, "once that video is gone, there is no excuse he'll have to be around you." (chapter 8)

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but the more i thought of this reasoning for the two points, the more bizarre it felt. so what if instead of Gojo being a peeping tom, it was Sukuna. we get so many hints that Sukuna has eyes and intel everywhere. we get an indirect implication of this when he called us out for rolling our eyes during our phone call with him. yes, it could be completely by chance, but it's still a great hint that he "sees everything" and "knows everything." we get an even bigger hint towards this in the alt ending when he directly references The F*ck List.

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A/N > Others have taken note of how Sukuna knew she rolled her eyes but trust me, that’s just to show that Sukuna knows the reader’s body language more than he’s let on & paid attention to her a lot during the time they were together.��

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it wouldn't be too far fetched to assume that he has some shady videos taken of people without his consent, some possibly acquired through other people (like how Gojo was revealed to have sent Sukuna the video of the reader from the first chapter). what if Gojo caught Sukuna with the video, threatened him to delete it, and Sukuna counterthreatened to have it be sent and posted everywhere. it would be highly ironic, but consistent with the way that Gojo and Sukuna practically mirror each other at times. the reasoning for the list choices would still be the same for this theory, too.

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my citations for these theories ☝️🤓

“You once asked me if I love you because I blackmailed you or if I blackmailed you because I love you and my answer is both,” Gojo confesses as he turns to meet your gaze, “Through my blackmailing, I fell for you but I also did it because I loved you from the start.” - Chapter 56

loved you from the start; his obsession has been consistent from the start (supports Gojo being a peeping tom theory) or he has always had a deep concern for you (supports him wanting to stop Sukuna from spreading blackmail of you instead).

“I’ve sacrificed everything for you, y’know.” 

“How? What’s everything that you’ve sacrificed, hm?” 

“You. I sacrificed the woman I love to make her happy.” Gojo admits, and of all he’s said thus far, that feels like the truest statement. 

“I could’ve been happy with you.” You remind him. 

He laughs, “Yeah well, I’m an idiot.” 

You scoff, “That’s all you have to say?” 

“Yup.” - Chapter 56

is he an idiot for being a peeping pervert instead of just approaching you normally? maybe. how does this make her happy? she ends up finding love through Choso, through the list, through the blackmail.

But deleting the video means ... he has no more leverage over you and can't force you to help him with the hole he's dug for himself. -  Chapter 8

the hole being the blackmail set against him by Sukuna.

Gojo's behind you cursing at himself for being unable to tell you the truth. 

He's so scared that you'll never help him without the blackmail and, well, he has every right to be because you're pretty sure that if it weren't for those videos he has over your head, you wouldn't be doing any of this. - Chapter 9

the videos he's referencing is the original video from chapter 1 and the fake video he lied about with Suguru, but he can't tell the reader the truth because it's too twisted and risky (supports Gojo peeping tom theory).

He silences himself in thought. There are so many ways he could go about answering such a question but the possibilities of how you may react are endless. Plus, you're drunk and if he's going to admit or explain anything to you, it'll be while you're sober. 

"Because..." Gojo's voice gets so quiet that you almost don't catch what he says, "...I don't have any other choice." - Chapter 21

if he didn't go through with his list, Sukuna would have went through with Gojo's blackmail, thus resulting in either you getting as far away from Gojo as soon as possible or Sukuna's video being sent around.

He let something slip abruptly, "W-Wish I c-could tell you everything, sweets..." 

Your brows furrow at that. 

Are you missing something here? - Chapter 22

YES GIRL!!!! SUKUNA'S BEHIND THE WHOLE LIST, HE'S BEHIND THE BLACKMAIL GIRLYPOP

"Anything," Gojo says, meeting your gaze. He's so serious that it's almost dark the way he looks at you, "I'd do anything for you." - Chapter 29

"I meant it when I said I'd do anything for you." 

You follow his motions and then end up right back in his arms, "Right..." 

"I'd sacrifice the very thing I love just to see you happy." Gojo claims proudly. 

You scoff, "Thought' I was the thing you loved?" 

"You are." 

His words bewilder you, "Then that makes no sense." 

"It won't." Gojo shrugs. - Chapter 29

🧍‍♀️

anything. even if it means putting your body, heart, mind, and career on the line. directly supports the theory that Sukuna initially had blackmail on the reader.

"We're the same, y'know..." He suddenly says, his voice breaking again, "We both want someone so terribly bad but our situations prohibit us from getting that person." 

"You could've prevented all this though..." 

Gojo sniffles and you feel a drop of wetness slide down his cheek and slip against your palm. The man was crying? Why? - Chapter 30

this whole time we've been told that Gojo and the reader share more similarities than the reader realizes. what Gojo is to the reader, the reader is to Choso. while Choso now knows of the men that the reader slept with, he doesn't know why. he doesn't know about you being blackmailed. you know that you had to sleep with these men. you don't know why. you didn't know it was because of Gojo being blackmailed.

"For loving me, Satoru. It's not a crime," You say, mocking a comment he made to you earlier, "You're allowed to love me. So, for that, and that only, I forgive you." 

Those words healed so many more wounds in his heart than you realized. It was like that was all he ever needed to hear. If Gojo's mistake was loving you and that's what caused this, then you forgive him. 

If in some twisted way, his feelings started the list, you forgive him.

COME ON NOW.

There’s so much going unspoken but the two of you knew what either was saying, you understood each other more than either of you realized. - Chapter 35

“Well,” Gojo sighs heavily and then draws your hands off his face, leaning down to you a bit, “Sometimes, sacrifices need to be made in exchange for one’s happiness.” 

“Are you telling me that all this was for the greater good?” You quiz as you raise a curious brow. 

“Something like that, yeah,” He shrugs. - Chapter 45

You tell him, “If I had one wish, it’d be that you did that from the beginning.” 

Gojo opens his mouth to say something but then he swallows his words down. He nearly fucked up. 

“All you had to do was talk to me,” Your shoulders raise into a shrug as you move a hand to the doorknob, “Things could’ve been different if you did.” 

“Even if I’ve been obsessed with you since the beginning?” He questions and he’s stepping closer to you again. He can’t possibly wrap his head around that possibility- 

You laugh a bit, “Especially if you were obsessed from the beginning,” You didn’t know it but that statement right there made the man feel as though his world was falling apart, loads of regret tumbling over him as he stares at you with wide eyes, “Satoru I think you forgot but, before all this started, aside from Shoko… I was lonely.” 

Gojo’s throat goes dry and he fails to form a response to that, “I…” 

“If you had just talked to me one time, and more than a hey or how are you,” The way your eyes soften, a slim sheer gloss of tears coating your gaze as you speak to him, “I would’ve fallen for you.” 

He grits his teeth, “Don’t tell me that.” 

“But it’s true.” You say. 

And just like that, Gojo was crumbling all over again. If only you knew how much he regretted everything after hearing you say that. - Chapter 46

if he had just spoke to the reader before all of this, maybe she wouldn't have gone to those parties, hooked up with those people, and caused whatever kind of blackmail Sukuna had on Gojo (or on her).

He wishes he could take it all back, his feelings for you included. If only he could go back and stop himself from ever being curious about you. That’s what started it after all. Because, at the end of the day, Gojo knew who you were before you knew who he was— hell, even before Shoko knew who you were. - Chapter 53

then what is the timeline of his obsession starting? has it been before Gojo? could his blackmail have taken place even before Shoko introduced you two, adding to the weight of the threat that Sukuna held over Gojo's head (regarding the peeping tom theory).

┏━━━

A/N > The timeline on Gojo’s interest, not obsession just yet, on the reader will be addressed in the sequel so this’ll be answered there <3

┗━━━

---

but there were certain parts that stumped me and my theories so i have some weird reasonings around them;

It's selfish of him and seriously fucked up but, he's said it before and he'll say it over and over again-- you're all he has. He made promises to everyone on that list, promises of delivering a woman to them at some point, and of course, he couldn't convince anyone he knew to do such a thing. 

So again, the situation with you just happened to be a coincidence. 

The problem is that Gojo hates that it's you. He hates that you're the one he ended up doing this to. - Chapter 8

Gojo's known to be a silly guy so it could make sense that he actually did promise these guys hookups for reasons unrelated to his blackmail. after all, he does have a reputation for getting people hookups. the coincidence is that Sukuna now has dirt on Gojo and wants to toy with him. by making the reader sleep with them the guys he coincidentally owes hookups to, he fulfills his role/reputation and relieves his debt at the same time. two birds, one stone.

┏━━━

A/N > As we later learn that some of the “debt” Satoru claimed to have isn’t real, we can also infer that his reputation & the promises he’s made to these men were done out of coincidence. Take Toji for example; tell me you can’t see an interaction between him & Gojo where Gojo gets a bad grade and wants to get it up so he taunts his professor with the idea of getting him a hookup & Toji would laugh it off considering Gojo’s reputation ;)

┗━━━

another thing that stumped me is why Gojo got so worked up with the reader referring herself as a whore, and the connection to Sukuna. my delulu reasoning is that once Sukuna threatened Gojo with blackmail by either of the two theories/methods i mentioned, Sukuna casually referred to the reader as a whore. that caused a major fight between the two, possibly even getting physical (which can refer back to the implication that Gojo has hurt people for the reader).

the fight could have increased the tension and severity of the situation, so Sukuna decides to add Choso to the list knowing how easily attached Choso gets. in chapter 5, the reader and Gojo were discussing the list and Choso specifically. Gojo was even noted to be relieved when the reader had mentioned that they'll just have to hope that Choso doesn't get attached, as he obviously holds deep feelings for the reader. Sukuna knows that by going through with the blackmail with Choso involved, Gojo most likely will not end up with the reader if Choso get attached and the reader reciprocates those feelings.

also, the counterargument that Sukuna and Gojo are actually friends/allies in this situation just doesn't sit well with me. it would make for a crazy twist but it just feels too out of character for Gojo. but then again, how would Sukuna specifically know about The F*ck List? but idk, it just feels so wrong to me. maybe i have too much faith in Gojo lmfao. after all, he has consistently shown a great dislike towards the guy since chapter 23. but maybe it's my denial speaking. i really don't want to think of Satoru going through this whole arc only for it to reveal that he truly is a piece of shit. pls don't do this to my pookie my heart cannot handle it </3

┏━━━

A/N > Remember, Gojo is a good actor & you go a long period of time in the book not realizing he’s not as much of a villain as he pretends to be 😉 

┗━━━

there's that moment after the reader fucked Sukuna that still messes with my brain. with my theories, my brain's thinking that he contemplated on collecting even more blackmail on the reader. for what reason? idk, to be an ass? to torment Gojo further and add more to his blackmail? but maybe he decided not to because he already has plenty of blackmail on the reader (if the theory of Sukuna having a video of her from way back then is true) and fucking her knowingly made Gojo pissed considering all the dirt Sukuna has.

so why can't Gojo tell her the truth now? why does he want to wait years in advance? maybe he's hoping that by that time, not only will you forget and not care about the situation overall, but maybe Sukuna will forget all about it as well. the chances of Sukuna holding on to the reader's blackmail for that long is slim and the reader would most likely be in a situation where she is completely separated from Sukuna depending on her job and living situation with Choso. the stakes are lower than if he were to reveal everything to you now, at a moment where your life is still so uncertain. it would go against his wish for you to end up happy.

┏━━━

A/N > Maybe Gojo doesn’t tell her the truth because he can’t, just as he said 🌚 Perhaps he’s not allowed to yet. After all, why would Sukuna even tell the reader he made the list in the end? ^.^ Just some food for thought!

┗━━━

---

regarding the future of TFL... fuck, bro. i have no fucking idea. i'm too caught up in the (presumed) past. i'm mourning fr. i love this fic sooooo fucking much. whenever you decide to pick up on the sequel, i will be there. if you choose to publish anything else in the meantime, i will be there. thanks for such a fun and memorable read, Kami. i'm excited to bookbind this soon 🤍🤍🤍 now, i need to watch blue lock to shove these feelings down.

yap fin (for now)

-☃️

A/N > I love you sosoosooooo much for this. These theories are like reading an entirely new fanfic sometimes except, I know all the answers & what’s going to happen next, which only makes me more excited ^.^ Thank you for taking the time to make this, thank you for reading, thank you for supporting, just, THANK YOU.

This right here is exactly what I write for; people like you :)

To the others reading this breakdown & theory, thank ☃️anon because she’s a damn godsend & ilhsm ^.^ (definitely showing favoritism rn, sorry not sorry, ily all I swear)

Edit; Since you’re watching Blue Lock, I can’t wait to bring my Shidou fanfic here because a lot of the drama in TFL has inspo from that fic, which I wrote first ^.^ & I could totally see you enjoying it because not only is it a childhood friends to lovers than enemies & back to lovers troupe BUT it also includes Itoshi Sae x reader which ofc, adds hella drama :))

P.S. It’s two am as I finally post this and omg sorry it took me a while, I wanted to answer other anons first before unpacking this badboy, again, tysm!!

[nochedie]

— get to know me! ☕️

hi! i am still relatively new to using tumblr regularly (i only found out yesterday you can choose where the read more cut goes?? leave me alone) and i haven’t really spoken about myself yet so here is a little icebreaker! i would love to make some more mutuals and my ask box is always open for a yap sesh 🫶🏼

— my name is actually eden but i do use edie more regularly as i do prefer it!

— i’m 25!

— i used to write when i was maybe 15/16 for teen wolf, the walking dead etc and a little bit of stranger things later on but i haven’t written fics since then!

— i am a travel agent! i LOVE working in travel and i’m always trying to find ways to incorporate it into one of my fics but i haven’t thought of the right way yet lmfao

— i have been watching supernatural since 2014 (i watched seasons 9/10/11 i THINK) but haven’t watched it all the way through and honestly lost any and all recollection so have been watching the entire series since about the start of september this year, i’m currently on season 8

— sometimes i struggle to call myself a dean or a sam girl because i don’t think i can choose but deep down i am just a dean girl and there’s nothing i can do about that

— i am from the uk! hate it 👍🏼

— other interests include photography, stuffed animals lmfao, iced coffee (i drank 8 in about two hours once and my friends still talk about it like it’s an urban myth)

— recently i had been playing fallout 4 pretty regularly but i played so long that it got easy and i’m not really here for that. give me a mirelurk queen type challenge

— then i played the entirety of powerwash simulator. and that really healed me

— i also love cozy games, eg animal crossing, wylde flowers. my favorite cozy game is unpacking it’s just SO calming.

— my album of the year for 2024 was big ideas by remi wolf PLEASEEEE tell me someone loves this album as much as me because i just. iloveremiwolfsomuch

— to be honest if a character does something bad i could still love them but uh. you know they still did that thing… unless their name is castiel. castiel can’t do wrong because he is castiel. that’s castiel. that’s my baby castiel. that’s my baby in a trenchcoat castiel.

that’s honestly all i can think of and i think half of this was me just yapping??? anyways :) come say hi plss! 🫶🏼

[oddlylovingaddiction]

TW/ Suic.dal and/or Sad and/or depressed reader

— HURT COMFORT FIC.

DISCLAIMER: This is aimed towards me when I get into those extremely low moods and just feel like crying or worse LOL. I ask that you don’t vent or say that this made your feelings worse or negative things etc. as this was meant to comfort my own emotions. However if this made you feel better or you relate you’re welcome to comment so. This fic is aimed to make people feel better not worse so if you know it might trigger you just scroll past, or read something happier!

If you feel suic.dal please call a hotline if you can or talk to someone who won’t put you down / make you feel worse for your emotions.

My thing is when I get into those…. moods. I get soft, in sort of a self sacrificing way, low energy, “Oh? You want this? Here! No, No I’m happier if you have it!” sort of way.. because I know I’m just too tired and I’ve given you so you know? If I can’t fix myself I’d rather leave everyone happy than angry. But what kills me is when someone notices. Especially if it’s a friend or someone I love.

So imagine them… just…

“Hey, Love?” They ask in such a gentle tone like treading on ice about to break.

“Yes?” You reply not thinking much. But after a long silence you finally look up from whatever you’re doing. They give you that look of ‘I want to say something but I don’t know how to say it’ so you give them a soft smile, “It’s okay darling, whatever it is I won’t be mad.”

“You feel off.” The words come out faster than they can collect their thoughts together. Making you look at them wide eyed confused. “I mean… you just… seem sort of sad? Are… you okay? You can talk to me you know that right?”

You go to answer but your voice is just… vanished? so you’re stuck making that sort of fish face where you look like you’re speaking, your mouth is opening and closing, but nothing is coming out. “Oh.” The softest oh from your mouth as the soft gentle persona you’ve had on for a while… breaks. “I’m… I’m okay?” You say it like a question, as your voice breaks and you can feel the tears you’re trying so hard to push down come back up. The back of your throat feels thick and heavy like it has a weight tied to it. “I.. I swear I’m fine! I have no idea why…” and as you’re explaining yourself tears, hot and heavy as you sob. They quickly rush towards you gently crouching down in front of where you’re sitting.

“Hey.. It’s okay if you’re sad or upset you know? It’s okay to cry, you’re allowed to feel bad. I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m here for you okay? Right here.” They say softly not touching you until you reach towards them first like you’re as breakable as the prettiest glass sculpture. When you finally reach for that hug, it feels… so good. That hug that reminds you that someone cares, that you don’t have to hold it in all by yourself, that even when things get so bad or you’re always second best to everyone else, someone cares enough to hold you, to comfort you as you sob until you get tired.

They just hold you as you cry, no need to explain now or later you only need to feel comforting knowing that if your body collapses into a puddle of emotions someone is there to collect you afterwards.

The ‘them’ in question; COVE HOLDEN, IZUKU MIDORIYA, OCHAKO URARAKA, derek suarez, cliff holden, uzumaki naruto, mitsuri kanroji, tanjiro kamado. + anyone else you want/can think of!

[teez-the-time]

Strawberries and Wine

Pairing: Consort! Seonghwa x Emperor! Fem! Reader

Genre: fantasy, romance, smut

Synopsis: as an Emperor, you liked to indulge in the pleasantries of life. The shiniest jewels, the best wines, the tastiest delicacies. But in the years of your reign, you had never found something as exquisite as the lips of Park Seonghwa.

Warnings: switch! lean dom! reader, switch! sub lean! Seonghwa, masturbation (f and m receiving), oral sex (f), breast play, piv sex, riding, dry humping, grinding, a lil food play, alcohol consumption (no drunk characters), pretty vanilla actually, body wordship, my characters are whipped as usual, pls tell me if I miss something

Wc: 9.1k

Taglist: none

A/N. What's this? Me actually posting a fic? Make a wish, people, cause a miracle has happened. Anyway, I humbly offer you this Hwa x reader fic, I hope you enjoy it. Please pretend that I actually know how to write smut and that I don't suck at it. Also, let's pretend this isn't totally inspired by the Webtoon, "Men of the Harem". Go read it if you haven't. Any like, comment, message, reblog, etc. is highly appreciated. My DMs are open as always. See you later!

XOXO

-May

“I believe that was the last engagement for the day, Your Majesty,” your trustworthy secretary, Marquis Kim Hongjoong, announced.

You rolled back your neck, releasing little pops of accumulated stress from the long day. Your eyes almost cried in relief when you closed them for more than a couple of seconds, having been subjected to the harsh candlelight for hours. “That is good to hear. It’s already very late. You may be excused, Hongjoong, and thank you for today”.

Your secretary stood up beside your desk, slightly bowing his head as he held a thick stack of papers underneath his arm. “If my services aren’t required any longer, then I’ll be on my way, ma’am. Have a pleasant night, Your Majesty”.

For a couple of seconds, only Hongjoong’s steps could be heard in your office room. You were putting away letters, documents and your beloved stationary when a little note tucked away in one of your drawers reminded you of something.

Poor Hongjoong had a hand on the door knob when you called out for him. “Wait, Hongjoong!”

“Yes, ma’am?” he inquired after being stopped seconds away from freedom. He looked worried from your sudden abrasiveness.

“I had almost forgotten to ask,” you explained, “did you inform Lord Park Seonghwa of my visit tonight?”

Hongjoong wanted to sigh from relief, as well as laugh at the mention of your little appointment with the young noble, Lord Park Seonghwa. “Yes, Your Majesty. His Grace and his entourage were made aware of your intentions of passing by tonight”.

“Good, good.” You spaced out and forgot to add something else to that sentence, but was suddenly called back to Earth when you saw your poor Hongjoong still standing by the door like a dog waiting to get out. “Now you are truly dismissed. Sorry to keep you here”.

“No worries, ma’am,” he assured you, finally leaving you alone in your office. Just you and your thoughts of that commitment with none other than your adored Park Seonghwa. At last, something exciting in your day after many hours of meetings with your court, and mountains of papers with budgets, reports, complaints and many more.

God, you thought, it’s depressing to still be thinking about work. I guess it's inevitable if you want to run an empire.

You finished picking up after yourself and blew out what remained of the candles. They had just been replaced that day, but you would need to call for someone to put even more the next day. 

I guess I will have to set aside a budget for candles.

The halls of the palace were considerably more empty in the late hours of the night, but that didn’t stop you from running into several maids and guards on their nightly duties. They all bowed to you and waited until you were far enough to continue with their tasks. In those moments, you thought that, no matter how bothersome and grueling your responsibilities could get, at least you didn’t have to stand up for hours on end or wash silverware in the middle of the night.

Near your chambers appeared to be the busiest. You opened the door to find your maids awaiting to assist you in your nightly routine. They curtsied at your arrival, and hastily dragged you to your vanity to begin dressing you down.

“Look at these hours!” one exclaimed while removing the pins of your hair, “Your Majesty must be so tired after such a long day. Should we draw a bath with those special salts for you to relax, ma’am? Then we can serve you some lavender tea for sleep”.

“You are a dear to me,” you thanked her and the others, “I’ll gladly take the offer of the bath, but I’m afraid I won’t be staying the night here. I plan to visit Lord Park, so please draw me that bath and fetch my robe”.

They giggled. “As you wish, Your Majesty”.

The hands were the most delicate when removing your makeup, hair and clothes. They rubbed away the stress of work and replaced it with the most pleasant of oils and perfumes. Indeed, they were masters of the art of polishing the body and the soul. Before you realized, you were already dressed in your nightgown and the robe that you reserved for these occasions.

“Is there anything else we can help Your Majesty with?” another one asked.

“I’m afraid not. Thank you once again. Please retire to your chambers for some sleep. We will have to wake up very early tomorrow!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

They curtsied as they left, and you could hear some of their giddy laughter and hushed voices just before the door closed. They loved gossip, even if it was about the whereabouts of their emperor (which was no secret to anyone). You let them entertain themselves however they wanted, choosing to keep them content as they were the people that spend the most time with you.

You sat in your vanity once more to contemplate their work. There was no sign of fatigue or worry in the face that looked back at you from the mirror. Quite the contrary. You looked more refreshed and rested than you had in weeks, all thanks to the magical wonders of your maids.

There was nothing you could do better in your appearance, so you decided to leave before you could consider staying in your chambers. While that thought seemed pleasant, a more promising option awaited you at one of the wings of the palace.

The wing reserved for the royal consorts was exquisite and lavish. Several rooms expanded around, forming a circle with a marble fountain in the middle depicting two lovers embracing each other with the utmost intensity. A dome was constructed on top of it, so the lovers were perpetually bathed in sunshine or moonlight. The floors were carpeted with the finest rugs imported from exotic lands in faraway continents. No speck of dust could be found on any corner, and all vases were always kept full with your favourite flowers. All the artwork was seasonally changed and handpicked by the emperors themselves according to their consorts' tastes. After all, it was the emperors' duty to pamper them and keep them content.

Having prided enough in your work at the consort wing, you began walking through the left part of the circle. Despite being able to hold many guests, most of the chambers were empty. In your short reign as emperor, you had only taken four consorts, without planning to add more in the foreseeable future. As a female emperor, it wasn’t a good look for your legacy to be remembered for promiscuity rather than your political achievements. Also, you were quite content with whom you had chosen to be your lovers.

Normally, the consort wing was brewing with life, always full of servants and guards waiting on your partners. While it could be refreshing to breathe that atmosphere, it was undeniable that the emperor’s visit was a cause of drama in the palace. Everyone was always eager to learn who were you coming to see, what you talked about and what to expect, and no doubt the speculation resulted in scheming that you weren’t ready to discover just yet. That’s why you tried to keep your appearances late and spaced in between, just to keep gossip at bay.

And, maybe, add some excitement too.

Seonghwa’s room was the farthest away, much to your dislike. Nevertheless, the wait made your little escapade even more thrilling. You reached the door, softly knocking on the sturdy wood. A few seconds passed and no one answered it. You knocked again, and still no answer. By now, one of Seonghwa’s servants would have opened it to let you go in, but tonight didn’t seem to be the case. Starting to get worried, you grabbed the knob and tried to push it open by yourself. Surprisingly, it offered no resistance and you found yourself inside Seonghwa’s chambers. You were preparing to scold him for his imprudence of leaving a door unlocked at night when the most pleasant of smells inundated your nostrils.

At first, it was just the sweet aroma of vanilla and jasmine, but the more you breathed in, the richer the smell got. Soon enough, your mind was floating along with the scent, making you relax into the atmosphere. It reminded you of something hidden in the depths of the soul. Desire. It wasn’t strong nor overpowering, but it lingered there, just barely out of reach .

When you shook out the initial stupor of the aroma, you scanned the room looking for your companion for the night. Normally, he would be waiting for you in one of the exquisite sofas and chairs of the sitting area before the door, but tonight he wasn’t there either. 

Apparently, the young lord had made sure that your night was full of oddities.

After a few more seconds of appreciating the neatness and taste of Seonghwa’s bedchambers, your eyes fell into the sleeping area. The furniture around the bed was lit up with soft candles, and a few scenting oil containers laid open, explaining the delicious odor that greeted you. A bottle of wine and two glasses waited for you at the coffee table in front of the chaise lounge that sat in front of the bed. That was, certainly, a direct clue to move there.

As you got closer, you saw that the drapes of the bed were completely closed, but the light from the candles illuminated the silhouette of a man sitting inside. With big strides and a grin, you closed the distance even more.

“My, my, what do we have here?” you asked in a teasing tone, one hand laying on the back of the chaise lounge. You circled it and sat down on the plush cushions, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back into one arm. “Looks like someone is hiding from me. Where did my precious Seonghwa go?”.

A deep chuckle came from within the curtains. “Not very far, Your Majesty”.

“My, my, there he is!” you poured yourself a glass of wine from the bottle that awaited you on the coffee table before the chaise lounge. It was yours and Seonghwa’s favourite. “What an odd feeling to not have you welcome me into your chambers. Playing hard to get, aren’t we?”

His rich laugh resonated once again in the room and you could see he shifted his position a little from the candlelight. “Your Majesty should know by now that familiarity breeds contempt”.

“That is very true, darling,” you sipped the wine, “but I will admit that seeing you that eager has always been my favourite part of the day. Perhaps you are right and I’ve spoiled my puppy too much, so now he is bored of me. I guess I’ll have to go to one of the other consorts…”

Slight panic rose to Seonghwa’s voice, but he managed to save face in time. “Quite on the contrary. I thought that Your Majesty might start getting bored of our encounters, so I thought a little change was due”.

Your heart fluttered at Seonghwa’s thoughtfulness, but you weren’t done playing with him. “What a kind puppy I have got here. Thank you for thinking about me, but remember I’m the one who makes the decisions here”.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, but you heard a little mischief there.

Still, you decided to let it slide once. “Either way, I’m feeling extra generous tonight, so I’ll follow your little plan for a while. So, tell me, where do we go from here, my darling?”.

Seonghwa shifted once more in his bed. His shadows danced across the fabric of the drapes. 

“Well,” he started, “I believe that Your Majesty has already made herself comfortable on my chair, but I’m afraid that none of what I intend on doing tonight makes use of it. So, why don’t you come closer, ma’am?”.

Now, you thought, he is using that charm of his. A little bit longer and I would’ve gone to get him myself.

You stood from your resting position, not leaving behind your glass. Not long after, you stood at the foot of the bed, one hand gripping the opening of the lace drapes, eagerly waiting to reveal your lover’s form.

The sight in front of you left you drunker than the wine on your lips could ever. 

In the many years that he had resided in your palace, you had commissioned dozens of artists to portray the beauty of the young lord, Park Seonghwa. But, even after having a room full of just paintings of him in every position imaginable, you still had yet to acquire any piece of art that could rival the one sitting before your very eyes.

Seonghwa sat between the plush pillows and cushions at the head of the bed. His posture was relaxed, with his legs slightly crossed and one arm supporting most of his upper torso. His robe was barely tied, leaving almost the entirety of his torso exposed. Not that it would have been of much help, given the scandalous sheerness of the garment, which left little to the imagination. His neck, ears and fingers were littered with the golden shine of the jewelry you had especially commissioned to compliment his tan complexion. Your eyes found purchase of every inch of his small waist and defined limbs. He was carefully sculpted by the gods, even if he politely declined any comment made towards his appearance.

One trait you loved about Seonghwa was his eyes. They never lied. You could tell what he was feeling from a simple stare. Right now, many things flashed through them

Desire. Lust. Adoration.

You stood there without moving except to sip on your wine once again. As you stared at him, you noticed that one of his hands laid inside a crystal bowl. Never removing his eyes from yours, he raised it to his plump lips and opened his mouth. His tongue darted out to receive whatever it was that his hand carried and, for a moment, you saw a glint. He let you see the ruby-like gem before he closed his mouth and bit down on it slowly. A slight smirk adorned his face.

He knew you. He knew you liked jewelry. And him.

“Oh?” you exclaimed while looking at the bowl once again, seeing it full with more of the gems, “Is that candy?”

His smile grew wider. “Yes, Your Majesty. The finest of your empire.”

“I see, very interesting. Will you tell me which flavor is it?”

He grabbed one more piece of candy and showed it to you. The light from the candles bounced off it, making it look like a real ruby. “That, ma’am, is something you will have to find out”.

You arched your eyebrow at him in a questioning manner. “Is the puppy going to keep me guessing? Well then, bring it here so I can taste it myself”.

With your command, Seonghwa got on his knees and crawled over the bed towards you, bringing one of the damned candies with him. The closer he got, the more breathtaking he looked. Part of you wanted to order him to stop with his act, but the other part loved seeing his sensual side on display for you. Also, deep inside, you were too soft to ruin his fun.

His head towered slightly over yours. From that distance, you could see every detail of his face, including the nonexistent imperfections. Without a word, your hand scanned his jaw, chin and neck until you felt the cold of one of his gold chains, leaving it there. With your other hand, you grabbed the candy gem and brought it closer to both of your heads. You twirled it twice on your fingers before putting it against Seonghwa’s lips. Not wasting a second, he opened his mouth and let the candy fall on it like it had done earlier. Before closing it again, he playfully licked the tip of your index finger. 

What a naughty puppy.

You grabbed his chin and put your face even closer to his. “You are playing a dangerous game, my darling”.

He had barely swallowed the candy when you closed the space between you with a kiss. Immediately, Seonghwa reciprocated, closing his eyes and grabbing you by your waist and shoulder.

Strawberry. He tasted like strawberries.

You took advantage of the kiss to let your hands explore even more of the body you saw earlier. His skin was as soft and warm as always, but you never got tired of how it felt against yours. Your fingers slid inside his robe and slowly dragged it down his shoulders, leaving even more skin exposed. You wanted all of it. All of him.

You separated from the kiss to get some air, but apparently it wasn’t enough for Seonghwa. He latched himself on the juncture of your neck and jaw, peppering open-mouthed kisses on every inch of your skin that you could find. You let out a content sigh, and weaved your fingers through his hair, knowing he loved when you did that. His hands held you firmly by your waist, pulling you flush against himself. Bit by bit, his kisses went lower until he reached the neck of your nightgown.

Through the years, you had learnt that Seonghwa was addicting. There was never “just a bit” with him. It was all or nothing. And that’s what you intended tonight. Take all of him.

In more than one way.

“As much as I would love to stay like this all night long,” you said while pushing Seonghwa slightly off of your chest, “I’m afraid my legs will give out at some point. Perhaps we should take this further into the bed”.

Seonghwa said nothing. Still, he got up from his kneeling position and down the bed, grabbed your hand and walked around the furniture and sat on the edge of it near the pillows. While smiling, he placed your hands back on his shoulders and pulled you between his legs. He looked at you from beneath, expecting you to follow along with his plans for you.

“I’m also afraid of tiring Your Majesty’s legs before we have even begun,” he shooted you a smirk. “Why don’t you take a seat so I can take care of you, ma’am?”

He didn’t even wait for your answer before grabbing your behind and pulling you with force to himself. You let out a yelp and fell down on him. While he laughed at you, you tried to pull yourself up by pressing down on his shoulders and putting your legs on each side of his. In any other situation you would’ve also laughed with him, but you wanted to keep control for a little longer.

“What a naughty puppy,” you exclaimed, grabbing Seonghwa by his jaw to shut him up. “Good thing you that I love you a little too much. Otherwise I would have your head on a plate”. You didn’t really mean that, but you noticed that Seonghwa’s eyes lit up a bit when you said love. “You will pay me back another day”.

“It’ll be my pleasure,” he replied, “but let me enjoy myself a little longer”.

He captured your lips once more. Somewhere in your conversation he had gained a confidence you had only witnessed a handful of times. He didn’t hesitate to remove your robe from your body, letting it fall to the floor without a care. He didn’t hesitate while pulling you to sit entirely on his lap, making you feel everything underneath. He didn’t hesitate while looking at you in a way no one dared to before.

The adoration you had towards this man felt way too much for a moment, and you got scared. So, you decided to avoid your feelings for a little longer by kissing him again, praying that he wouldn’t notice how different you were acting tonight. And if he did, he didn’t show.

At one point, during your touching, Seonghwa had lost that goddamned robe, leaving the both of you in nothing but your underwear. You could feel the heat radiating from each other, almost too hot to the touch but not enough to make you pull away. As much as you could spend eternity just kissing Seonghwa’s strawberry lips, you were starting to feel impatient and the man could tell.

It started slow, barely enough for you to feel at first. He had broken the kiss to leave more marks on your neck and naked chest. His hands gripped your hips, anchoring you to his crotch. The space between you was almost non-existent. Little by little, he started to move your hips along his, igniting sparks of pleasure throughout your body. In no time, he accompanied it with movements of his own pelvis, creating the perfect amount of friction to send you into overdrive.

One particularity of Seonghwa was his ability to make every movement enticing. After all, there was a time he was known as the best dancer and performer in your whole land, seeked and desired by hundreds, and it was that reputation that had drawn you towards him in the first place. Every move of his appeared calculated enough to look tempting yet effortless, and here you were paying the price of that talent by being subjected to one of the most sublime pleasures known to humankind.

At one point, Seonghwa had stilled your hips, opting for grinding his against them. This ensured that you could feel the entirety of his erection pressing against every part of your core, all the way from your entrance to your clit. After a while of receiving this tortuous treatment, you were climbing a peak you weren’t ready yet to reach.

You stilled his movements by pressing your hand against his hard on, which earned you a whine from Seonghwa. You almost went back into a desperate grinding after hearing that delicious noise, but you held back. “I’m afraid that if we continue with this much longer, both you and I won’t last enough to get to whatever you wish to do”.

“You don’t have to worry about me, ma’am” he teased you with a cheeky grin. “I can continue all night long, Your Majesty”.

You grabbed him by the back of his head once again and got your faces close. “Y/N”. He blinked a couple times in confusion, so you repeated yourself once again. “Y/N. It’s Y/N when I’m with you”.

Now it was Seonghwa’s turn to pray that you didn’t notice how fast his heart was beating from your statement. One would think that he had loved you enough time for your name to roll easily from his lips, but it wasn’t the case at all. It was impossible when some days, your sole presence was enough to make him nervous. It was impossible when sometimes he looked at the other consorts and it made his blood boil. It was impossible when he knew that using your name meant owning a part of you, something he would never be able to do given the nature of your relationship.

Nevertheless, he allowed the syllables to run through his tongue, even if they stinged. “Well then, I can continue all night long, Y/N”.

He didn’t give you time to reply, because in one moment he was leaving a peck on your lips, and on the other you were swiftly being turned around and laid against the pillows of the bed. You gasped in surprise at the same time that Seonghwa let out the most beautiful laugh you had ever heard.

And what would you not do to hear it again.

“You little scoundrel!” you exclaimed. “You have absolutely no idea what you are getting yourself into. Next time you’ll see how well it goes for you!”

Seonghwa positioned himself on top of you, his chest almost pressed against yours. He shot you another mischievous grin. “I’ll be waiting eagerly, then”.

He left a kiss on the column of your throat, so soft it was barely there. Then he left another one a little lower. Then another. And another. And another, until he reached your sternum. Your eyes fluttered when he started moving upwards towards one of your breasts. He used one of his hands to trace mindless patterns across your stomach, hips and waist. The tender stimulation was starting to heighten the heat in your core, somewhat lost in the brief moments you had stopped rubbing on Seonghwa. Finally, it reached an all-time peak when his warm tongue enveloped your right nipple.

“Ah!” you let out with a moan. He continued his assault on your breast, sucking and licking on your sensitive mound. After some moments of this treatment, he brought the hand that had been on your hip and used it to massage the forgotten bud. Then, he switched sides, continuing his ministrations on both of your nipples. It felt good. So good that you started rubbing your thighs together, hoping to get some friction and relieve some of that growing heat.

Seonghwa took notice of your impatience and decided to act on it. He unlatched his mouth from your bud, replacing it with his other hand. Meanwhile, he left a trail of open-mouthed kisses along your stomach. You let out content sighs, using your own hands to rub soothing circles on Seonghwa’s defined back and shoulders. His mouth reached the hem of your panties, and you couldn’t help but hitch a breath in expectation. But that fucker had other plans for you.

He peppered even more kisses along the waistband of your underwear, even going as far as to nip it. But, when he got to where you needed him the most, he ignored the wet patch on your crotch, opting to lick your inner thighs. He left another wet trail on your legs up until your knees, bending them slightly to give him better access. Without missing a beat, he switched from one leg to the other, this time going upwards towards your centre. He rubbed your calves and knees tenderly, relieving the tension in them.

Seonghwa broke away from the task he had been focused on for the last minutes to look back at you, and spoke.

“You know,” he stated, “there was once a time where I could have been considered the most beautiful man of the kingdom”. You stared back at him, curious about what point he was trying to make. “It has been almost five years since then, and I’m sure age has changed that fact”.

You frowned at his words, and you were about to refute that claim when he spoke again. “I am certain that has been the case for me. But for you, Y/N, Your Majesty, it is completely the opposite. Every day that you come visit me, I am more certain that time has only made you even more beautiful”.

You were left speechless in awe, but Seonghwa did not seem to interpret it the same way. “I am most sorry if my words have been bold tonight, but the thought has been wandering on my mind for the entirety of this evening. Let me make it up to you, Y/N”.

With nothing else to add, he brought relief to the ache on your core that had been plaguing you from the moment you stepped on Seonghwa’s chambers. Slowly, he bit down on the waistband of your underwear and began to bring it down with his teeth enough to then remove them with his fingers. When he was sure there was not a single millimeter of fabric separating you from him, he dived head first into your folds, tasting you like you were a meal he had been depriving himself of for weeks.

The expertise of his tongue and the long wait had you moaning immediately. “Oh, fuck!” Your hands grabbed the back of his head and pushed him further into you.

Seonghwa never shied away from giving you the best pleasure he could offer. He continually switched from kitty licks on your clit to long swipes through your whole slit. He ate you out like a starved man, sucking on your nub with enough force to make you almost reach the ceiling of pleasure. Nevertheless, he didn’t want you arriving at your climax just yet. No, he had a lot more to give you. He separated himself from your core slightly, just enough to be able to watch you in all your glory. 

The sight of your eyes rolling back into your skull, head hanging weakly over the pillows and your mouth wide open almost made him cum on himself. You looked so fucked out, barely even registering what happened on your surrounds aside from the movement of his tongue and your hand on his hair. 

“Holy shit,” he exclaimed, “you are doing so well for me, Y/N. So, so good”.

You whined at his growl-like tone. “Hwa, I’m close. Don’t stop, please.”

Seonghwa moaned at your whining. It was rare to witness his emperor relinquishing so much of the control you normally had on every aspect of your life, even in bed. He was harder than he remembered ever feeling before, and it drove him crazy. He didn’t want to, he needed to make you cum. So, after looking at you one last time, he went back to his task, now inserting a finger into your hole.

You gasped at the sudden feeling of having his digit inside yourself. His fingers were long and slender, perfect for how you liked it. Little by little, Seonghwa started inserting more and more of it, feeling no resistance from your part. With the same slow pace, he began sliding out, only to go back inside. In no time, he had found a rhythm that matched his licks and slurps on your clit. 

This time, you could feel your climax start to unravel once Seonghwa hit the perfect spot. “Oh my god, I’m coming. Shit, shit, I’m coming!”.

The perfect combination of one of his licks with his fingering movements left your vision white. You felt the air being sucked from your lungs as a fiery heat traveled from all your extremities to your core. Your back arched beautifully, almost as if wanting to ascend to the upper plane of pleasure Seonghwa was sending you to. Your fingers clutched anything they could get a hold of; pillows, sheets, and Seonghwa’s dark locks of hair.

The high was dizzying and intoxicating.

Seonghwa continued to shyly lick your cunt while you came back from your orgasm. You felt sensitive to his touch, but your craving for him still wasn’t satisfied. You propped yourself on one elbow to look at him better, moving your other hand from his hair to his cheek. With soft touches, you removed his face from your core to stop him.

The sight before you was erotic in every sense of the word. The lower bottom of his face was drenched in your cum, his tongue darting out from his mouth to lick around it. His chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, making it seem like it was him who had received one of the most mind-blowing orgasms of his life. His eyes, still full of love and adoration for you, continued to pierce into yours, feeding into the fire that had slowly been growing since the start of the evening.

“My puppy has done such a good job tonight,” you praised him, running your fingers down his jaw to his neck and chest. In a soft gesture, you put your hand under his armpit, urging him to come up from his lying position to hover over you. With his hands on each side of your face, his legs tangled between yours, and your hands woven over the back of his head, you gazed back at him with a mischievous smile. “I believe a reward is in order”.

You closed the distance between your lips, pressing them into another feverish kiss. Seonghwa let out a content sigh into your mouth, melting until both of your figures became indistinguishable. You ran a hand over his broad back, lightly scratching your nails over his skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps on your journey. Then, you dipped it under his waist and over his abdominals, going lower and lower until your hand reached its final destination.

Seonghwa almost collapsed on top of you when he felt you touch his dick. He let out divine sounds when he felt you begin to stroke the base of his member under his underwear, your other hand removing the last piece of clothing for him. For a moment, he closed his eyes and concentrated on the way your hand moved downwards towards the tip, in a movement you had memorized from your countless nights spent with him. To have you touch the most intimate part of his body felt the biggest reward he could receive for his actions, but that wasn’t how he wanted things to go.

You were surprised when you felt his hand grab your wrist to halt your movements. “What is wrong?” you asked, worried about hurting him.

He looked down to where you connected with him and then back at you with his ever-present soft smile. “Nothing is wrong, but I don’t wish to make this night about me”.

You raised your eyebrow at him. “But you deserve it”.

He pecked your nose and gifted you with another smile. “Thank you, Y/N, save it for another time”.

Seonghwa removed your hand from his underwear and intertwined your fingers with his, resting both of your hands besides your head. He left small kisses on your lips, one after another, until you were giggling. The cold metal of his necklaces against your chest gave you small goosebumps, but you still pulled his face against yours, rubbing your noses together.

“I will, Hwa,” you promised him.

Seonghwa let out a chuckle of his own. You looked so cute at that moment. “Thank you, Y/N. Now, if you let me, there’s still one thing on my list for tonight”.

In one swift moment, he sat back on the bed, similar to the position you found him earlier in the night, but this time with you sitting directly on his crotch once more. This time, there was nothing separating your cores. You could feel the entirety of Seonghwa’s length pressed against your slit, warm and slippery with your juices. A small movement of your hips and you would have the head of his cock pressed against your entrance.

Apparently, that same thought crossed Seonghwa. He grabbed your waist to lift you slightly up, leaving you on your knees over him. With one hand he positioned you where he needed you, and with the other he grabbed his cock, stroking himself while aligning it with your entrance. He looked up at you, eyes round and soft.

“May I?” he asked, not needing to say further.

You nodded, and he began your descend towards the climax of tonight’s act.

The first wave came with the first inch. There was always a sense of euphoria when you felt the tip of his length breach your inner walls, slowly dragging upwards to give way to more of it. Your body always responds with a gasp at this initial moment. The second wave is less intense but more prolonged. As he entered deeper and deeper, Seonghwa started losing control of himself. At this stage, he would start touching and grabbing every part of your body he could reach. Hips, thighs, breasts and ass would be covered in small marks the next day from his mindless touch. The last wave was the one that left the both of you with the biggest satisfaction. It was the bliss of being connected in one of the most intimate ways two people could.

“Oh, fuck!” Seonghwa let out, throwing his head back. No matter how many times he had done this, it still felt delicious.

You were also a mess above him. Your back was arched towards him, eyes pressed shut to savour the drag of his dick inside of you, and mouth wide open. Seonghwa felt like cumming from that sight alone. He wanted to devour you whole; crawl beneath your skin and live inside your heart forever.

If only he knew.

Regaining a bit of your senses, you started moving your hips slowly. Up and down, front to back, side to side. You began to find the rhythm that drove the both of you crazy. Wanton moans escaped from your lips as you felt Seonghwa in the deepest parts of your body. You grabbed his shoulders to support yourself better, and his hands found nest on the curve of your hips. In no time, you had picked up the speed, feeling him go in and out harder.

“God, you feel so good,” you moaned. “You are always so good for me. So, so good”.

The praise seemed to get into Seonghwa’s head (and cock). He whined beautifully, his eyes rolling back into his skull. He bit his lower lip to contain the sounds escaping from his throat. You didn’t like that.

You freed his lip with your thumb, once again getting closer to his face. “Don’t you ever try to hold back with me. I want to hear you”.

That set Seonghwa on fire. He planted his feet on the bed, grabbing you firmly by the waist, and started thrusting up into you with force. For a moment, all breath escaped from your lungs, being replaced by the smell of sex and lust. A whiny scream left your lips without meaning to, followed by broken moans and gasps. You hugged your lover by the shoulders in an attempt to keep yourself from falling too hard too fast on the abyss.

Seonghwa’s plump lips now rested against your ear, gifting you with his unrestrained groans and grunts of pleasure. You clenched around his cock deliciously, fitting him like a glove. It felt like a new heaven was opened to him every time he entered you, and your hands roaming across his back and chest felt akin to feather touches of an angel. If he closed his eyes a little longer, then he would be gone for good.

“Y/N, Y/N,” he repeated like a mantra, “I’m so close! God, I can’t wait to come inside of you. I’m going to make you mine”.

Seonghwa was a goner when he felt you clench even harder around him, but he needed you to cum first. It was a rule in his world, a commandment of his, to always satisfy your needs before his, even if it meant never getting back what he had offered you. So, feeling his impending climax approaching, he slid his fingers between your bodies to where your clit rested. His other hand slithered up to your breast, and played with your sensitive peaks. 

That was your breaking point. The stimulation of all those points elevated you to your highest peak of the night. Your body shook with electricity that spread through your spine down to every nerve. You back arched against Seonghwa’s chest, pushing your face away from him. Your toes curled and your legs tensed, your inner thighs wet from the mess of cum and saliva.

You were a sight to behold.

Not long after, Seonghwa came. With sloppy thrusts into your core, he tried to prolong his and your orgasms. Overstimulation was becoming overwhelming, but something carnal and animalistic inside of him pushed him to go further. To claim every inch of your body and soul. Make you his in every way imaginable.

He didn’t stop until he felt like he had pushed the last bits of cum into your pussy. He felt the mess you both had created slip between your bodies, letting out a slight smirk at the thought of your cum and his mixing together.

It was him who had you in his bed tonight. Him who had given you the highest form of pleasure. Him who held you as you recovered from having sex with him.

But still, you weren’t his.

Despite Seonghwa facing inner turmoil at the moment, you felt very content at his side. Still feeling him inside, you were full of him, not just in the physical sense. The weight of your actions with him left your heart soaring higher than the sky, almost at peace. There was just a single detail missing in your equation.

With him standing by your side, there was nothing else you needed.

↠↠↠↞↞↞

The moonlight shone through the open balcony, drawing pale and shapeless silhouettes on the floor beneath your feet. You could hear the branches of the trees sway with the wind in the garden below. It was rare for you to have enough time to sit quietly to observe the mundane beauties of the world that surrounded you.

Except on those nights when you laid with Seonghwa.

After a brief clean-up session with him in his bathroom, you went back to his room. It was a comforting routine for both of you. Just being in each other’s company felt more intimate than any sexual activity you could engage in. You sat there in peace, no clothes needed to enjoy the pleasant company. It was symbolic of how you both bared yourselves naked in more than the literal way.

You sat on the edge of the bed, both feet planted on the floor. The long-forgotten wine returned to your hand, swirling slowly inside the glass, guided by the rhythmic movement of your body. Seonghwa laid on the bed behind you, sipping on his wine. You could feel his intense stare on your back, digging holes at it in silence.

Neither of you felt brave enough to break it.

At last, it was Seonghwa who dared to perturb the tranquility of the room.

“You have been behaving oddly tonight,” he declared, speaking into the rim of his glass.

You turned your neck around just enough to see him gulp down the rest of the beverage. For a couple of moments, the only sound in the room was that of liquid pouring before you answered.

“Am I the only one, though?” you questioned back, but not denying his claim.

“Certainly not,” he replied, seemingly submerged in his thoughts. His long fingers tapped against the stem of the glass before settling it down on the nightstand, “but it is unlike you to drain out your concerns in such ways”.

In five years, Seonghwa learnt to read you like a book. He picked on every cue and sign to assess your moods and act according to them. That way he had managed to completely obliterate the walls you had built around yourself, becoming your trusted confidant in record speed. He had not only looks but a bright mind.

But, still, even Seonghwa couldn’t escape the claws of the cold palace politics.

For that reason, you just offered a close-mouthed smile. “I know you have your people in my council, Seonghwa, so you should know what matter plagues me”.

Seonghwa ignored your cold countenance, choosing to gift you a warm smile. “Yes, I do know, but I'd rather hear it from you”.

You looked into his deep, dark eyes and you knew that if you could trust anyone, it would only be Park Seonghwa.

You exhaled some air and sipped on the glass. “The old foxes at the council have been reminding me that it has been five years since I took the throne, and there are no signs of an upcoming wedding, much less an heir. It makes them restless that there is no one they can trust to succeed me if something happens to me, so they have been pressuring me to pick someone at last”.

You turned around your torso to watch him more carefully. Seonghwa appeared as calm as ever, but the firm grip on the stem of the glass betrayed him

“So,” he asked nonchalantly, “will you do it?”

You left your wine on one of the nightstands and slid up further into the bed to sit beside Seonghwa. He looked at you with extreme curiosity while you settled at his side. While it wasn’t the first time you had touched the subject, it had never affected you like this before.

“Yes,” you said, simply.

For the nth time that night, Seonghwa prayed that you couldn’t hear his heart beating erratically inside his chest. That simple word had planted seeds of jealousy and hope, and he feared that more conversation would water them into a horrific ivy that would swallow his spirit whole. Tonight had not been a good night for his heart. Nevertheless, he made his best effort to appear calm amidst his internal storm.

“Oh?” he asked in an almost teasing tone. “Glad to see you finally settling down. Do you have someone in mind already, or should I suggest candidates?”

The green ivy grew bigger on his chest.

“Yes,” you answered, holding his intense gaze, “I have someone in mind already”.

“Oh?” Seonghwa repeated, but this time less sure of himself, “Is it a consort? Or will you bring someone from outside?”

“Oh god, no. In five years as Emperor, the amount of people I trust has reduced significantly. I could never bring myself to find someone outside this palace”.

Seonghwa bit his lip. “So it is a consort”.

You scooted even closer to him. “Yes, he is a consort”.

Seonghwa’s breath hitched. His head was spinning. One in four. He had one in four chances to be the one you picked.

Against his better judgment, he dared to prod the dragon’s belly. “Well then, who is him?”

You grinned at him, teasing him further. “Aren’t you awfully curious tonight?”

Trying to save face, Seonghwa answered. “Can you judge me? I am part of that pool, so I might as well ask before I hear the news from someone else”.

You didn’t reply. Instead, you scooted even closer to his frame, his arm instinctively wrapping around you and resting you on his shoulder. You inhaled his aroma from that distance and hid your face on his neck.

He smelt like home. And strawberries.

You leaned back to watch him, finding he was already looking back at you. Some of his hair fell on his eyes, covering part of his sculpted visage.

“Your hair is getting longer,” you commented, brushing the dark locks behind his ear.

“Should I cut it?” he asked.

You shook your head. “No, it looks beautiful on you”.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

For two entire breaths, you stood in silence. “Seonghwa”.

“Yes?”

You wetted your lips. “Seonghwa, for almost five years, you have lived here in the palace as my consort. You were the first one I brought in many years ago when I had recently taken the throne, and you are my closest confidant aside from Hongjoong”.

You felt him gulp nervously, but you continued. “In these years, you have proven yourself to be more than just a consort. You are indeed handsome, but also brilliant, charismatic, strong, brave, and kind. In many instances, you have been my biggest ally and supporter, as well as a voice of reason when circumstances appear grim. You have a talent few men can say they possess, and it gives me pride to have you on my side, whether as your Emperor, your friend, or your lover”.

Seonghwa felt his chest swell with pride and joy while hearing your words. It was a one-in-four chance, but he certainly felt like it had been him all this time.

But you weren’t finished. “You are a man of many talents, Park Seonghwa, and in these five years I have witnessed that potential grow beyond what this restrictive palace can offer.” Seonghwa tensed beside you. “This place is nothing more than a beautiful prison for minds like yours, whose limit cannot be determined. A breeding ground for the greed and ambitions of the worst of mankind”.

You went back to stroking Seonghwa’s head. “You are my most beautiful flower, Seonghwa. I have sinned by ripping off your roots and hiding you here. I have taken you away from everything you loved and knew: your home, your family, your dance… I have been a horrible woman by keeping you tied to me for five years of your precious youth”.

Seonghwa had started to shake and you felt drops falling on top of your head. You pushed yourself away from him, only to see him crying. Your heart shattered in the very instance when he pushed himself away from your embrace. He sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over his knees, hand covering his mouth.

“That’s a terrible way to announce it’s not me,” he stated, briefly uncovering his mouth, but never looking back at you.

You got up from your lying position. On your knees, you crawled behind him, looping your arms underneath his armpits. Without a second thought, Seonghwa rested his hands on yours on top of his chest.

Seonghwa had always been an easy crier.

You rested your forehead on his cervical. “I told you I am a horrible person. I am merciless to my enemies, and awful to my friends. More despicable is the fact that I don’t believe those words”. Seonghwa’s head shot up, listening to what you said. “You are my most beautiful flower, and I don’t plan on letting you go”.

You pressed yourself further into Seonghwa’s broad back. “In five long and short years, you have become indispensable to me. It is you who I come to when I am happy. It is you who I come to when I am in need of comfort. It is to you who I confess my fears and sins, and to whom I share the deepest parts of my soul. Your happiness has become my happiness, your grief my grief, and your pride my pride. You are my better half, and my equal in everything but in body”.

“So do forgive me for being a selfish Emperor and even a worse lover, but I will not release you from my grasp, even if it is against my better judgment. I will do anything and give you anything you desire if it means I will get to keep you by my side for the rest of our lives”.

Seonghwa swallowed once again. “Will you give me anything?”

You grabbed his left hand and brought it to your lips. “Yes, anything. Say the word and it shall be yours”.

“You. I want you. I want (L/N) (Y/N)”.

Your heart exploded in a million fireworks inside your chest. “Then, I shall be yours”.

Suddenly, Seonghwa turned back at you, tackling you into a hug. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, slightly shaking with short sobs. He was crying, but this time they were happy tears. Softly, you removed him from yourself with a smile.

“Lord Park Seonghwa,” you said while looking deep into his eyes, “will you do me the honor of becoming Imperial King and marry me?”.

“Yes, yes, yes!” he shouted. “A hundred times yes!”.

You laughed, and he started peppering kisses all over your face. You both went from hugging to kissing to laughing hysterically every couple of seconds. No joy in life could compare to the state of bliss you were in, knowing you belonged wholeheartedly to each other.

You had said it before. Tonight, you had intended to make Seonghwa yours in more than one way.

“But wait,” Seonghwa stopped the both of you abruptly, “isn’t this done through a formal ceremony?”

“I mean, yes,” you replied, “but I wanted to make sure it is what you wanted before officially proposing to you in front of everyone. I would have felt awful to put you on the spot like that if you didn’t want to actually marry me”.

“Are you kidding me? I’m so in love with you that I would have said yes no matter when and where you had asked me”.

“Good to know my fiancé is in love with me as much as I am in love with him”, you smirked and rubbed your noses together. “Either way, I will have to inform Lord Hongjoong of the changes in our situation. I bet he will be very surprised”.

(Spoiler alert, he was not).

You both laid on your backs, staring at the ceiling of Seonghwa’s room. Hands intertwined like vines. The night continued to be silent, uncaring of the two lovers who had decided to give themselves to each other without the knowledge of the rest of the world. The Earth didn’t stop spinning nor did the Moon stop her beaming, but now your whole galaxy shone with the glint of Park Seonghwa’s eyes.

“I never thought I would say this,” Seonghwa broke the last silence of the night, “but I thank those old geezers at the council for pushing you into my arms. From the moment that I met you, my heart, body, and soul have belonged to you and only you. From the moment I rise in the morning to the closing of my eyes at night, my every thought is dedicated to you. I will do everything in my power to be dutiful as your husband, and you shall never regret having me, my love”.

“There’s nothing in the world that will make me regret having you as my husband,” you kissed both of his hands. “As far as the members of the council, I bet they will be happy knowing that I’m marrying at last, especially if it’s with someone as brilliant as you”.

“We will be the most powerful sovereigns this nation has seen,” Seonghwa sealed his promise with a sweet kiss on your lips. “I’ll give you all of me if you need it”.

“Then it shall be that way,” you kissed him back.

With the threat of an early morning, you tucked yourselves into bed. Seonghwa attached himself to your back, tangling his arms and legs until you couldn’t tell where began who. He released his soft breaths into your ear, slowly lulling you to your rest. Just as you were about to fall asleep, he muttered to you.

“I bet the council will really be happy with our marriage,” you could hear the grin in his voice, “because, with me, you won’t be having any problem conceiving that heir… Your Majesty”.

It was safe to say, you didn’t wake up early that day.

[pebblysand]

Hi! Thank you so much for writing Castles, it’s the Harry Potter post we’re story I always wanted to read. I love your characterization of the Potter kids, I especially love your take on Lily Luna, do you have a headcanon of what happens next with the kids, regarding their careers and personal lives, or do you want to leave it open to interpretation?

aw, thank you so much ❤️. so glad you enjoyed!

so: yes to both. i've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about the kids so i do have my headcanons (as far as the castles universe goes) but i'm also more than happy for people to have their own. IMO, i'm not the gold standard here. anything that happens in my head that i chose not to put in the fic is not castles-canon. you can totally have your own versions of this.

having said that, here's what i think:

(moodboard from my outline. yes, they're all ridiculously hot.)

career-wise:

you already see this at the end of castles, but i think james joins the WWW family business, but opening up an "events" side of things, which he runs. he's 100000% a nepo-baby who uses his parents' fame to build up his address book and be the star of the show, lmao. but... we still love him hahaha. he's got a good heart 😅. i sort of see him as the david guetta (lmao) of the wizarding world. i think he likes to entertain people, allow them to have fun and forget their worries, etc. he's very into quidditch but like his father, he's not really interested in making it a career. it's too much hard work/investment. i think james is generally more interested in having fun than in... working 🤣. i also headcanon he lives at his parents' past 30 because it's just convenient. he's that kid who's always asking for money to invest in a potential business venture - has 50 new ideas per hour (not all conclusive) - and ginny's always kind of kindly but firmly bringing him back down to earth. harry would give him the entire contents of his vaults to open a solid-gold-cauldron business 🤣.

personal life:

friendships/family: as described in the fic, he's got a lot of friends, he's a people person, and someone who loves to bridge wizards and muggles. he truly cares about people - i think he's got a bit of teddy's hufflepuff side in that. he's got great relationships with his parents and his siblings, beyond the standard, mild-rivalry that is normal in kids that age. i think he gets on with al because underneath their obvious differences, they have the same sense of humour. i think he feels very big-brotherly and protecting towards lily, and they have good banter. he also massively admires her.

love life: this is hinted at in text but james has a bit of a rough time in his mid-to-late 20s. i headcanon that he gets a Serious Girlfriend pretty early on (probably around 18/19), who he madly falls in love with. i kind of think underneath the whole chill/party vibes, james is a hopeless romantic so when he falls, he falls hard. he's got his parents example in his head of what relationships should look like, and obviously harry and ginny have such a strong relationship, that he wants that for himself, and gives it his all and thinks it's Forever. that girl ends up cheating on him and i think he takes it pretty fucking hard, especially because this happens while lily is in mongolia, all of which sort of sends him spiralling. you kind of see that between the lines in chapter 24: the partying, the sleeping around, etc. kind of like his mother... kind of like his father, too, possibly, had he not met mia. as said in text, there's a lot of press about him, and it's not always nice. without the nazi-costume wearing (i don't think james is stupid enough to do that kind of shit) i headcanon him a bit like prince harry in his early days. in a weird way (as is also hinted at in castles), i think lily coming back re-anchors him. they play video games and have each other's back and heal together, in a way.

later, i headcanon him meeting someone else, maybe in his late 20s and early 30s. i think he's pretty cautious at first, due to past experiences, but she is The One. i headcanon she's a squib or something, or the muggle sibling of a wizard, someone non-magical but who is aware of the magical world, perhaps a doctor or a nurse, someone very out of the spotlight, who's not really interested in who he is or who his parents are, who's there for him, but also understands the pressures he's under. i don't know if they have kids. i can't decide. i strangely headcanon that maybe she doesn't want them? like, she's this doctor who loves children and loves helping people but also feels like she'd rather dedicate her life to others than to have her own. i think james would be happy either way, she's pretty much his world and he loves her enough for that not to matter. or, maybe they have one later, in their late-30s early 40s, once their careers and lives are really established? i'm not entirely sure.

.

(yes this was done with AI. you would not believe how hard it is to find black-haired guys with green eyes that aren't trying to be harry potter himself online 😅)

career-wise: oh, al becomes a professor. obviously. i sort of see him do a PhD in muggle history, then specialising in the study of war and parallels between muggle and wizarding history. i think that's the way he manages to wrap his head around and understand what happened to his family. he's in a perpetual search of meaning and patterns, understanding how history repeats itself. i think that sort of study reassures him and provides him comfort, knowing that it's not just him, not just them, that there's meaning and purpose behind all of it. i see him teach (i think he's a great teacher, like his father) - maybe in hogwarts or maybe in a post-grad setting, i'm not 100% sure. i kind of lean towards the latter cause i don't think binns is ever giving up his seat 🤣.

i also see him as rather CASHCOW-involved. like, i think studying war like he does makes him want to do something. he's not necessarily the flashy, loud kind of brave, but he is still very brave, and very opinionated. i do think he's also very close to his mother and cares a lot about the things she started with #metoo and the book, so perhaps he gets involved in that side of things.

personal life:

friendships/family: i think his relationship with his family is pretty much established in castles, i don't have much else to add. he's independent, sure, but still very close to them all. i think he's the kind of person who, unlike james, has a small but very tight-knit circle of people around him, and that suits him fine. he has a few but very close friends.

love life: oh, scorpius is the love of his life. that's it. they have the kind of relationship we all dream of: easy and supportive and loving. i think the main difficulty they probably have is scorpius struggling to come out to his father a bit, but i reckon that happens eventually. i 10000% headcanon them having kids. i think they adopt. i think al has his mother's faith in people and the future, and so it makes sense he would want to pass that on.

.

(my CHILD!! my war hero!!)

career-wise: i think that's hard. for her. coming back. i headcanon her taking care of the museum for a while. i think she's back and forth to mongolia quite a lot in the early years as well, because she cares about the people she left there. she probably works at the shop, or with james for a bit as well, helping out. i do think eventually (maybe a few years later - she is almost 20 when she comes back to england, so maybe when she's 23/24), she takes her NEWTs, and albus helps her study. i think that brings them closer. i could see her getting into politics later on. being a wizengamot member or something, not someone who's ever going to really get into power, but more of an agitator, someone who says the hard things and truly tries to change the world.

personal life:

friendships/family: all of this is pretty much established in the fic/above so i won't come back on it. i will say that sadly, because of POV constraints, i couldn't quite explore her relationship with her mother, but i think they have a pretty good one (as much as mothers and daughters can - lol). i think although it's hard, she has a lot more support coming back and healing than harry and ginny ever had.

love life: this sort of ties in to the above but i think lily is someone who values friendship and platonic love a lot more than most people, and a lot more than society does. i'm not sure i entirely headcanon her as ace/aro, but i do think she's someone who doesn't really need romantic love to be happy. she cares and loves very deeply, but she doesn't need to be in a Relationship like most people do. i do think she's generally attracted to men, and i think there are a few lovers in her life that are very, very important to her, but she never feels the need to put a label on it or be someone's Person. she is the world's Person.

in a weird way, though, i do headcanon her having kids. i almost see her as having them and raising them in a commune sort of setting (lol), with friends and people she truly cares about. i headcanon the father to be someone she... loves, even they're not in a conventional sort of relationship. i think she's happy, though. i think lily's happy.

.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

Teddy Remus Lupin:

i never made a moodboard for teddy, i think because his face constantly changes lol. i either see him as becoming a musician or a wandmaker. i couldn't decide, so i hinted at both in the fic. you can pick one lol. or, maybe, he starts out with one with the other as a hobby, then switches things around when he gets bored. i think he's just a creative person, who loves making things. i think romantically, he's probably with victoire, they have cute babies.

Naran:

i sort of headcanon naran as moving back to england eventually. it's heavily hinted at in castles but, in a strange way that most immigrants will recognise, mongolia is her home but it's also... not her home. she says it to harry in chapter 23, she's in between spaces, neither truly english nor truly mongolian. most of her formative years are spent in england, and i think, a little bit like ron who, after the most urgent rebuilding is done, quits the ministry, she, i think, moves back to london, probably in her mid-twenties. i do think she's back and forth a lot, very involved, but ultimately, her home is lily. i'm not sure whether she marries or has kids, that's up to you.

[elfboyeros]

Who was Bela Pavlova?

⚠️Warning: Death, Mention of Abuse, Dark themes, etc aka the Bela Pavlova backstory stuff

So I mentioned this to @/jj-pines and @/lerenee that I imagine that there were films made of Bela's life because she basically disappeared at her peak at stuff and then I randomly thought of the Film Mommie Dearest and the video Kennie JD did on it and I was like: I bet the Youtube True Crime girlies would eat a story like Bela's alive so the fic was made that power wrote in a day! Read all about the nerds I create here and here

Calypso does what any girl does when doing her makeup in the morning, watch a True Crime Video on YouTube.

’ Ello, my darlings, it’s me Deliah Darling and we have an interesting story today!

The young woman, with a darker complexion and colorful braids, is on screen in front of a dark, almost gothic background, barefaced as she speaks with a British accent.

I say that like all the stories I talk about are not interesting, but this one is different! We talk about a lot of true crime on this channel, but today isn’t really true crime, I mean there is a criminal element, it’s unsolved murder which you all know is one of my favorite things to cover, but what we are talking about today is just fantasizing.

Today we are going to be talking about Bela Pavlova or the Russian Swan.

Calypso stops mid-putting on her moisturizer to look over at her phone in shock, one of her favorite make-up/true crime “influencers” talking about her mother! A picture pops up on the screen of Belladonna or Bela in her prime as a ballerina in the 1900s

This is Bela Pavlova, not to be confused with Anna Pavlova the first ballerina to tour the world. As a side note before we get into it, Anna and Bela are not related, however, Bela is often confused with Anna as if they are the same person.

Calypso continues to do her make-up routine just slower than normal.

I wanted to cover Bela today because her history especially in the ballerina world is… while there is no other way to say it but just plain insane. Her history is a huge mystery, involving death, murder, and kidnapping! Her life has been turned into 3 movies! Bela Pavlova, is a beautiful woman with a crazy life. Let’s get started.

The Intro for Delilah’s channel began as Calypso slowly opened her primer, hopefully, she wouldn’t have to write a full essay of information to clarify her mother’s life, she really likes Delilah’s videos she doesn’t want to unsubscribe.  When the intro stopped Delilah had a makeup brush in hand before she started talking.

Bela Gorelov was born in 1881 on the 1st of July to Igor and Violetta Gorelov in Moscow, Russia.  Violetta was a dressmaker and Igor worked “odd jobs” or something like that. See there were these books published in 1985 and then again, this year, which I’ll go into more detail about later, that had Bela’s dairies since her mother died and in them, Bela writes about all these jobs her father had and there is never a concrete answer for what he did besides chronically drink.

Well, that’s correct. It is interesting to mention her mother’s books as a source, Delilah seems to have done her research.

Bela had a normal childhood, started ballet at the age of eight, and guys she was incredibly talented, this girl started as a professional ballerina at the age of 14 she was good! However, her lovely little ballerina life wasn't sunshine and rainbow, because in 1891 when she was 10 Violetta died at the age of 23 of Cholera, leaving her in the care of her father and her maternal grandmother Apollinariya Urusov, who was also a dressmaker. What’s sad is that according to Bela’s dairy entries, as her father started to drink more he quote: “Became someone I didn’t recognize anymore, mama has been gone for a year and the man I am faced with every day is no longer my father, but simply Igor Gorelov the man that barely looks over me.” Even more heartbreaking Bela loved her mother and grandmother and when Apollinariya died in 1896 Bela was devasted!

Bela had just started doing professional ballet, a year before when she was 14! Then a year later. Her grandmother died, leaving her with her alcoholic father who was not very kind to her as when Bela turned 16, she was married off to Sergei Pavlova a 19-year-old construction worker, making her Bela Pavlova.

Calypso cringes at the sound of Sergei’s name, as Delilah let out a sarcastic laugh.

So Sergei… he was…

Delilah laughs once again

I’m trying to think of a way to define this man that will not get me demonetized, but I can’t! Sergei was an abuser. He smoked, he drank, and he sadly abused Bela for their entire marriage. However, their horrific marriage didn’t stop Bela from being a talented ballerina, she was best known for being Aurora in a production of Sleeping Beauty, playing Flora in a production of The Awakening of Flora, and the white and black swan in several different productions of Swan Lake during 1888-1900. I think because her “best roles” were from Swan Lake that’s another reason why she and Anna Pavlova, anyway.

Calypso has major respect for Delilah she has done respect for Bela Pavlova, however, this is only the beginning of the hour-long video.

In Early December of 1901, Bela wakes up, goes to a local restaurant for breakfast with a cousin, goes to the dress shop that her mother's side of the family-owned to pick up a dress, takes that dress back home, then goes to the theatre that she would perform another production of swan lake where she would play both the white swan and the black swan.

This would be her last production of Swan Lake and the last time she would perform on a stage, as that evening, she would disappear.

Calypso chuckles lightly patting her concealer, at the somber tone taken. Horrible events happened that night, whatever, Calypso knows the outcomes of all the events that took place that night, and in retrospect, the event is not as somber as it is being made out.

Now there many stories that happened that night, but no one will ever know truly what happened. However the facts are that Bela went to her dressing room after the ballet concluded, Sergei came to visit her, and early the next morning Sergei was found deceased, the room beyond disheveled, blood everywhere, and Bela nowhere to be found.

“Thank you, Daddy,” Calypso mutters, dusting her face with powder foundation.

Now

Delilah clapped her hands, her make-up barely finished as she had been talking with her hands and stopping for periods of time to explain things.

I am going to go over the theories of what could have happened that night, and then because of the autobiography, I will go over what is believed to have happened that night! So a major theory that is believed is that Bela killed Sergei and ran away, however, I have very little faith that this is true as Sergei was a hefty guy, and Bela had like the ideal ballerina body. I can’t imagine her killing anyone with her bare hands.

Calypso chuckles once again, Belladonna has in fact killed many individuals, but yeah as Bela she didn’t kill anyone.

Another theory is that Bela was kidnapped. Many people around the ballet scene said at the time when questioned about Bela, based on different sources that there was a large pale man with white hair who had become infatuated with Bela. Many believe that this white-haired man kidnapped Bela or even murdered her from the theatre. However, we have the Book “The True Life of The Russian Swan-The Dairy of Bela Pavlova” which is an autobiographical book that compiled all of Bela’s Dairy entries from the age of 10 up until her presumed death, which according to her dairy was not 20 like most believed before the book was published in the 80’s.

Even knowing all the facts, Calypso is still integrated, while filling in her eyebrows.

So that white-haired man does exist, but a lot of people online believe he doesn’t for some reason even though this book exists! The man’s name was Wolfgang Von Koch.

Not completely incorrect for the book Belladonna changed Wilhelm’s name so as not to trace the book back to them.

Wolfgang Von Koch was a man from Germany born 29th of January 1861. Bela said in her diary that he had a love for travel, and it surprised her when he said that he lived in Romania instead of Germany. Quote: “He told me Romania with a German Accent, I asked him “how come?” He simply replied, “I enjoy the mountains in Romania.” How could you move to one place just because of the mountains? He is beautiful, tall, built, and distinguished. Much older than I am, but if I were not married I would always make attempts to be in his view.”

“Momma and Daddy are so cute,” Calypso giggles softly.

So Wolfgang was in Russia on his travel, went to the ballet one night, and saw Bela on stage and is enamored with her immediately! She’s this beautiful, talented, ballerina but she has a unique appearance. Bela had poliosis is caused by low amounts of melanin and melanocytes in your hair follicle and occurs when you have a white streak in your hair, contrary to your natural hair color. Bela’s hair was black, and it had this white chunk in the front, even her eyebrows and her eyelashes had white in them! Like guys there are pictures of her in her book and this woman was gorgeous! Who won’t fall in love with her?

Delilah is right, Belladonna is gorgeous.

Anyway! Wolfgang was able to have tiny conversations with Bela after the ballet finished and they got to know each other over the almost 3 months he was in Russia. Many people think on the day she disappeared she actually met Wolfgang for breakfast, but that’s not true as Bela states in her dairy recalling that day “I never thought that when I sat down with Vera that morning, I never expect to be leaving Russia late that night!” So, according to Bela as she wrote in her dairy Wolfgang came to her dressing room after everyone had presumably left the theatre to get her gifts of carnations and chocolate-covered cherries, not only because he thought she deserved them, but because it was his last night in Russia before he went home. When Wolfgang made it to her dressing room, he found Sergei abusing Bela and went into a blind rage killing Sergei.

“W, Daddy,” Calypso muttered finishing her eyeshadow.

Bela wrote in her diary, “I never knew a man could make a murder look so divine.” She wanted Wolfgang to take her out of Russia so she could start a new life away from a horrible life in Russia, and he did just that, he allowed her to go back home to gather her things, let her visit her mother and grandmother’s graves one last time and they left Russia, and she never returned.

Now, Bela ended up living with Wolfgang in Romania in his home presumably in the mountains and they ended up getting married. According to Bela, they had a wonderful life together, they ended up having a child on June 5th, 1908, and they named her Violetta after Bela’s mother. She died sometime in January 1935, as her last entry was on December 29th, 1935, which means she died at the age of 54 however the book never says.

Mostly lies, but, of course, the ending of the book is fiction.

Now the reason I wanted to cover Bela Von Koch is because early this year there was a movie made—

“A shit movie!” Calypso scoffs.

—About Bela’s life simply called “Bela” and guys this movie is bad! Especially because “The True Life of The Russian Swan”was published in the 80’s! THIS BOOK WAS PUBLISHED IN 1985 BY BELA’S GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER! THEY HAD THE BLUEPRINT FOR THE FILM AND NO ONE BOTHERED TO ACUTALLY READ THIS FUCKING BOOK! What’s even worse, is the book was made in retaliation to a film that came out in 1982 called “The Russian Swan”.

“Which is another bad movie,” Calypso mutters finishing her eyeliner.

“The Russian Swan” is based on a golden age short film from 1947 of the same name which depicts the last performance of Bela Pavlova, the 1947 film is the only good film about Bela in my opinion, it’s just a silent film in which the actress does ballet and it is implied at the end that she was murdered, but the 1982 movie… Guys this film is even worse, oh my god!

Delilah dragged her hands along her face.

The Russian Swan the film boils my bones guys! First, the Bela in the 1982 movie doesn’t have poliosis, the most distinguishing feature of this woman and they got it wrong! They mix her with Anna Pavlova saying that she performed “The Dying Swan,” which is false, again Bela and Anna are not the same person, the reason the book of her diary was published was that they got so many things wrong about Bela that her great-granddaughter, Madalina Dumitru, was so upset with the film that she made the discussion to comply all of Bela’s dairies and publish for the public, disavowing the film and calling it a “a piece of horrific fiction I wish hadn’t been made for the screen.”

Actually, Belladonna’s own words at the time hidden behind a pen name, truly disgusted by the film when it came out in the 80’s she decided to publish her deepest thoughts to explain her what her life was rather in the fictional depiction.

The book was republished this year a few weeks ago because yet again another piss poor film about Bela was released and Madaline who is now in her sixty’s said on the rerelease of the book, “What bother’s me about the Film Bela is that it seems that my book of my great-grandmother’s dairy entries was not sourced nor was I connected about the film. This is yet another American film—” All of these films are made by the United States for some reason “—That made Bela Pavlova a work of fiction rather than treat her like the human being she was!” With the republishing, there are new dairy entries throughout it as more of Bela’s dairies and letters were found that were added, which was interesting, I highly recommend both versions of the book they are good reads.

“No thanks,” Calypso mutters before putting on lipstick.

Bela Pavlova is an interesting person to research. She was the amazing talented ballerina with the air of mystery! I did ballet for years as a child and teenager and I heard about Bela Pavlova all the time when we would talk about Swan Lake! I remember watching the film from the 80’s and being so disappointed because the film was so disgusting in its portrayal of Bela. Then I read the book and was so angry! So when Bela came out, I went to see it in theatres and of my god I left halfway through it because it was so horrible! I felt bad for Bela and her family’s behavior! Both films go with the angle that she was kidnapped! The modern film which could confirm that she left with Wolfgang willing, portrayed her as a young girl that was kidnapped by an evil man obsessed with her!

Delilah groaned loudly.

She was a talented ballerina—

“She is a talented ballerina,” Calypso muttered leaning back in her vanity chair attempting to pop her back as she stretched.

—and I just don’t understand what the point was of the movies! It’s as if the Crown was so inaccurate! Like Madaline was recently asked, in an interview, which of the three films was the best and of course she said the film from the 40s because quote: “It was inaccurate in the ending, but how could anyone know? The Russian Swan from 1947 is a beautiful short film, the ballerina in the film is gorgeous, but everything about the film is astonishing, especially for a film from the 40s. Again, the end is a bit teeth-grinding but I can understand how the idea of Bela being murdered is enthralling, moreover, no one knew what did or did not happen so 1947 is the best out of the three the other two should be burned!”

What was even funnier is when interviewed, Madaline was asked about some crazy theories and I wanna talk about one before we continue this video, because I believe it as a teenager and I think a part of me still believes it.

“Here we go,” Calypso chuckles.

So many people crazier then I believe that some of the dairy entries are fake that there is no Wolfgang, Violetta, that Madaline is actually a woman named Belladonna—

Calypso stares at her phone a bit shocked. “Belladonna” has never been mentioned in all that Calypso has seen on the internet about her mother, but then again she doesn’t look that hard.

—and Belladonna is actually Bela who is now a vampire and has been a vampire ever since the 1900s.

Delilah slammed her hand on the desk in front of her.

The theory is that Wolfgang is actually this man named Wilhelm Con Vester a German vampire that was of similar appearance as Wolfgang is, and Wilhelm Con Vester is the one that rescues Bela and takes her to Romania, she changed her name to Belladonna, he turns into a little vampy and they have been living amongst us ever since!

Will, that’s painfully accurate, internet people are good!

Apparently, Sergie had puncher wounds on his neck and was drained of all his blood, and after Bela went missing and was never heard of again, a woman named Belladonna Con Vester popped up in Romania out of nowhere and she has been in Romania ever since with her Husband Wilhelm, and honestly, she looks exactly like Bela!

And I mean we all know that vampires, werewolves, and shit exist so I wouldn’t be surprised if Belladonna was Bela, but from what I understand, Belladonna is living a very happy life with her husband, I think they run a funeral home together, so if she is Bela Pavlova she is now separated from that time of her life, which I completely understand. Like I can’t imagine what her life was like before she was saved, and if that were me, I would want to separate myself from all that and I would most definitely change my name if I could.

But this theory could be wrong, and Belladonna and Wilhelm aren’t connected at all. Madaline has said she has a child, that could be Belladonna, but I don’t know.

Anyway, that’s all I have for you all today, my darlings! Please give this video all your love and if you are new and enjoyed this video and want more, feel free to subscribe, I think since it is almost Halloween, I’ll talk about the Le Doux Werewolf family from New Orleans next, I find them really cool! Alright, bye-bye, my darlings.

Delilah blew a kiss to the camera

I’ll see you next time.

Calypso picks up her phone, scrolling to the comments, not bothering to read them she types, “Love your video! I consider myself a Bela Pavlova history nerd and respect you for all the research you put into your video. Whether the vampire theory is true I have no idea, but I have also seen theories that Wolfgang made it look like a vampire killed Bela’s husband so he wouldn’t be suspected of the murder, but I don’t know how true that is.”

“Bunny?” Belladonna calls while knocking on Calypso’s bedroom door before opening it, “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, momma,” Calypso replies, after sending the comment under the video, getting up from her vanity, and locking her phone.

“It took you longer than normal, everything okay?” Belladonna asked as her daughter approached her.

“I was just watching a really good video,” Calypso replies as her mother tucked some hair behind her ear, “It was about you actually.”

“Oh,” Belladonna chuckles, “Me or Bela?”

“Bela,” Calypso answers, “It was about those horrible movies!”

“Eck,” Belladonna sighs, “Come on, we have to go meet your father at the funeral home.”

“‘Kay.”

As Calypso followed Belladonna out of the house her phone vibrated Dalilah Darling had hearted her comment and even replied: “I saw that theory too, I like to think that Wolfgang is Wilhelm which is why included the theory, because my romantic heart likes to believe that Bela/Belladonna and Wilhelm are happily living it up as vamps.”

Calypso giggles a little before commenting: “Honestly me too.”

[fyonahmacnally]

20 Questions More

This is a deeper and more detailed version of the 20 questions for AO3 fanfic writers. Thanks to @casualsavant for the tag. I'm not even sure I did the first 20 Questions round, but rules be damned.

1) How do you keep getting ideas for your ship/fandom?

Well, like anything I write, I get ideas from everything around me - they come to me from dreams, something I see, from random prompts, etc. As most writers know, we are simply the vessel, it's the brain goblins that tell us what to do.

2) Which authors inspire you in your fandom, and why are they so freakishly good?

Geez, we have so many in the Supercorp/Supergirl fandom. I'm not even sure that's a fair question. HA. I will inevitably leave someone out, but here are a few of my favorites @searidings, @jazzfordshire, @chaotic-super, @lovesastateofmind1, @innamorament0, @someoneyouloved93, @lostariels, @luthordamnvers, @thornedrose44, and @fazedlight. I read such a variety of genres, tags, and tropes that I will give almost anything a chance so the authors I read will vary. There's oh so many to choose from in this fandom and the vast talent is beyond imagination!

3) Aside from the characters of your main ship, who are the characters you love to write?

Hmmm, I like writing Sam, Andrea, and Jack. The rest of the main cast is fun too, but those three characters are fun to explore in fics. The shenanigans they get into together makes it easy to play with.

4) Are there pairings or tropes you know for sure you'd never write about? Which ones?

Karamel, Lames, and Kalex. I am pretty open-minded, but those are my hard limit ships. To each their own. It's not my thing at all. I'm pretty open to tropes, too. Haven't had a chance to explore too many yet.

5) What is your writing process and why is it cursed?

I'm not sure how to answer this one, really. It can vary depending on what's going on in my life and how the idea came about.

Generally speaking, I get an idea, outline the basic premise of the story (usually in a word or google doc), do whatever research is needed (longer fics), and just start writing (or staring at the outline and empty doc). That's writing too, ask any writer. LOL

One shots tend to be more like: get idea, sit at desk thinking while blank doc stares back at me tauntingly, look out window, turn back to blank doc, write three sentences, back space all three sentences, look out window again, write three more sentences, repeat previous steps, then the brain goblins take over and suddenly it's 4 hours later, somehow there's several thousand words staring back at me.

6) What is your favorite part of your writing process?

Because I am a huge nerd, the research. I love to research the things I write. Not all of my stories require it, but when they do, I dive right in. Completing the story is a big one too. The anxiety and excitement that comes with yeeting something into the ether is indescribable.

7) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had to research for a fic?

Weirdest thing...pagan rituals and ancient runes or bondage/fetish clubs in Amsterdam. There is some really interesting things out there. I learned a lot during that time.

8) Is there a particular writing rule you struggle with (grammar, spelling, tense, reality in general)?

I think tense is one that slips on me. I try to catch them all during rereads and edits, but those little bastards are sneaky.

9) What was your hardest scene to write so far and why?

The panic attacks and abuse scenes relating to Lena in Carterhaugh-Wood Academy (CWA). Lena is my absolute favorite character and writing anything that causes her harm hurts my soul.

10) Have your characters ever done something you didn’t expect, changing your plot completely?

Is water wet? My characters always do what the brain goblins want despite my initial protest. I am just here to convey the message, after all.

11) If you could converse with any of the characters, who would it be and why?

Oh, hands down, Lena. I wouldn't pass up a chance to speak with any of them, let's be real, but Lena would be #1.

12) What are some of the tropes or themes that you find yourself returning to in your writing?

I am by nature a fluff and happy-ending writer. However, I am working on an angst with a happy ending fic at the moment. The tropes I have written so far have been limited to friends to lovers and a little light angst with happy ending. I'm still exploring other things. Hopefully 2024 will be the year I can flex my writing muscles and expand into new territory.

13) What's your most important resource as a writer?

Friends and other writers. Nothing beats a good brainstorming session with writer pals. I also like to do improv writing to boost creativity. You never know where a story will go when that happens.

14) Can you share some of your strategies for editing and revising your work?

The strategy depends on the story. For longer fics, I have a few writer friends that help with reading over it and helping with typos, grammar errors, and helping fluff up the places that need it. For one shots or shorter fics, I will let it sit for a bit, go back and read it again to do the editing and rewrite the places that my brain doesn't like.

15) Which is worse: making the summary, picking the tags, or the anxiety when you post your fic?

Oooof, definitely the posting anxiety. I usually immediately find something else to do so I don't obsess over it.

16) How do you define success for your fanfic - hits? Kudos? Comments? Bookmarks? Or just if you like it?

Hits, kudos, and comments are always fun and rewarding, but I write for my own enjoyment and sanity. I have plenty of fics that barely get any love, but I enjoy writing them. It's therapeutic for me. The rest is just noise. Also, like any writer, I love to hear from readers and try to respond to all my comments because they mean a lot to me.

17) Do you have a playlist for your favorite character/ship?

Sometimes, yes. It depends on what I am writing and how I am feeling. Most of the time it is instrumental piano and/or cello music because I will start accidentally typing the lyrics of a regular playlist. If I am going for a specific vibe or writing because of a specific song, I will have the song on repeat or at least an album by the artist.

18) If fan art was going to be made from your work, which fic would you pick and which fan artist would you like to create it?

SCBB delivered that on a platter for me. CWA got art from the multi-talented @bigmammallama5. If you haven't seen it, you can check it out here.

19) How many WIPs do you currently have?

13 total with another one that is in the planning stages.

20) What's your advice to new fanfic writers?

Write for yourself. If you love it, it brings you enjoyment, and adds to your life, continue doing it. You're not going to please everyone and there will be people who are less than kind about something you publish. Those voices don't matter. There is someone out there that has read or will read your work and it will stick with them for the rest of their lives. Always do it for you.

Tagging but no pressure: @lovesastateofmind1 @casualkoalatea @fabulousglitch and @sssammich

[killuintense]

Hi mootsss!

I just finished reading Nic's post about the new issues of prompts in fics, things about stepcest, incest directly, noncon or even pedophilia.

I wanted to do something further removed from their post because, first, I want to be able to explain myself well and be able to give the attention that talking about these topics deserves. And secondly, because I would like to be able to speak, as I am the one who has made a series directly from Leon Stepdad, which would also leave the way open for someone who writes about it to explain why the attraction to this type of content.

I'm only going to talk about stepcest because I don't read noncon or anything related to rape, or pedophilia because although I read and write about everything, issues related to minors under 18 years of age are NOT allowed on this profile.

To begin with, I am not a strictly moral person, and on top of that I have a certain morbidity and curiosity about many topics. I've always been into daddy kink since I was a teenager, but I never really liked it. Very crazy because I love stepcest, and this is precisely because I know it's not real. The dynamics that are mixed when writing nsfw and the question of secrecy, of 'they won't find out' and the fact that it is all hidden and taboo makes it more adrenaline-inducing. Then I would talk about the intensity of love and protection that, this does have to do with traumas and mechanisms of draining everything murky that we have experienced in a healthier way (so to speak). I have a bad relationship with my father, and with all the men in my life, so wanting a real man to love me and take care of me is mixed, but at the same time it is mixed with my bad concept of fatherly love.

Precisely for this reason in my stepcest series I try to mention not only the sexual but also what goes beyond it. Leon is my current hyperfixation so I simply channel everything I feel into him, plus I really like his adult version and he gives me comfort in my "trauma", the way he cares for the women around him, or the way you think of him and see him as a single father jsdjksdl. I mean, it's not for nothing that there are so many fics about Leon and baby fever or breeding, because he gives off exactly all those vibes. Now just take a traumatized girl who wants her father to love her and boom, you have my stories or many more about stepdad.

All this leads to my bad perception about what love is, mixed with what I already told you before. I love stepcest! But I wouldn't mess with my stepfather or stepbrother, and if Leon were real he probably wouldn't be with his stepdaughter either, so we understand that it's just fiction but it's okay to talk about it. It would be more worrying if he came here to say "actually I think it's okay to have relationships with family members, etc." so it's perfect to clarify the issues and stop being taboo, we all have different ways of talking about what we feel and Tumblr doesn't stop to be a place where we can talk about what we feel and make it our safe place.

Finally I want to say that even in my free will I don't like reading fics where they characterize Leon badly, you know, all that shit about making him bad and cold???? frightening. So my goal is also to be able to write it well, make it questionable but still have the essence of Leon, obviously.

ily'all, see you later!!

[writethrough]

Hi ;) I don't know if you're currently accepting requests, but if you do, may I request a Malcolm Bright x Reader fic please ? TW : Self-h*rm, anxiety, depression, ED, mental illness.

Reader and Malcolm are very close friends so they both lovingly care about each other. Reader hasn't been answering any of his calls and messages for a few days, which is unlike her 'cause she always picks up the phone when he calls her. He starts to grow more and more worried, especially because he knows about her mental health struggles. So naturally he decides to go check on her. When he arrives he finds her in a very bad state : depression, anxiety, ED and Self h*rm have been hitting her harder that usual. He stays in at her house for a few days to take care of her, which includes reassuring her when she gets panic attacks, telling her that he strongly cares about her and that nothing will make him leave her, laying beside her to help her sleep, hugging her etc. Eventually she starts to feel a bit better.

I know it's very emotionally charged, both with dark stuff and comfort/care stuff, so if you feel like you can't do it, it's totally okay, I understand. Do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable.

Please take care 🤍 Sending you hugs.

To Make It Through

(Malcolm Bright x Gender-Neutral Reader)

Warnings: Insinuations of self-harm, ED, depression, anxiety, and mental illness.

Word Count: 1203

A/N: I wasn’t sure how to begin writing this. The most important goal for me was writing this with respect to those who suffer from self-harm, depression, mental illness, ED, and anxiety. I have never experienced the first four, but I’ve dealt with mild to moderate anxiety, I believe since I was young (I’d like to add, I’ve never been diagnosed by a doctor for anxiety). I have no idea what someone who lives with these struggles goes through. I wanted this to be a comforting story, one that hopefully brings a little light to everyone who reads it.

I didn't want to include too many details that could be triggering or potentially disrespectful to those who deal with the topics above.

And to anyone who is suffering and in need of help, below are different hotlines and resources.

National Eating Disorders Association

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

The Trevor Project

National Institute of Mental Health

Malcolm unlocked your front door with the extra key you gave him.

It’d been three days since he last heard from you—no responses to his texts. No calls or video chats, not even a dumbass meme. And he was worried.

You were religious in your response time to him. Honestly, he had no idea how you could send a text off so quickly.

First, he noticed the dishes on your counter. A few days' worth. Then, the blanket was on the floor instead of folded neatly over the couch. Your curtains were drawn tight, and the couple of plants you had were a little less lively than when he was here last week.

He slowly pushed your bedroom door open so as not to startle you.

It was difficult to see through the darkness, but from what he could tell, clothes were thrown around the room. And he could make out a thin layer of dust on your bookshelf.

He took in your curled state under your comforter. Only the top of your head peeked out.

He didn’t need to ask you what was wrong. You’d known each other long enough for him to recognize the signs.

After slipping his shoes and coat off, he gently lowered himself beside you. He didn’t move the covers or speak, only placed a hand close enough to your back so you could feel him while not being touched. 

He didn’t know if you were awake, but that didn’t matter. He’d wait however long it took until you were ready to acknowledge him.

He wondered when you last ate—those dishes were probably older than he thought. He tried to recall if there were any warning signs he should’ve picked up on when he was here last time. But you seemed fine.

You were also very good at hiding it.

About an hour later, you shifted to face him, still beneath the blankets.

It wasn’t much, but it was enough.

He whispered your name. You didn’t move.

He tried again. “Can I do anything for you?”

You sniffled, and his heart nearly broke.

“Can I move the blanket, honey?” he asked.

The top of your head moved slowly in a nod.

He hooked a finger and pulled down carefully, revealing water-lined eyes with bags under them.

He thought as much. When things worsened, you never slept well.

“What do you need?” he whispered as gently as he could.

You didn’t look at him as your hand emerged to clutch your pillowcase.

“I don’t know,” you mumbled.

He nodded. He couldn’t let you stay like this.

“Then, could you do something for me? I know you won’t want to, but you can come right back. I promise.”

You glanced at him, then looked away. As much of an acknowledgment as he would get.

“Go take a shower. Take as long as you need,” he said.

You didn’t fight him, didn’t argue, and he took that as more of a bad sign than anything.

Once your bathroom door closed, he stripped the bed and threw everything in the washer. After replacing the sheets, he put the discarded clothes in your hamper and tossed any trash he spotted. He kept the blinds closed. Baby steps.

He was finishing putting the dishes away when you walked out in a towel and back into your room to change.

You didn’t ask what he was doing or tell him he didn’t have to do it. You almost ignored him.

You had already returned to bed when he entered. This time, you were against the headboard, staring off into space.

He sat beside you.

Your hands rested above the covers, wrists on display, and his shoulders relaxed.

It hadn’t gotten that bad.

He let you have your silence. Sometimes it was what you needed.

“Why are you friends with me?”

Sometimes it wasn’t.

“Because I need you,” he said.

It was all he thought to say. Superficial compliments wouldn’t stop your mind from spiraling. Hopefully, you’d believe him.

You shook your head. “You deserve better.”

He wanted to shield you from your own words. 

“(Y/N), I need you to look at me,” he said. And when you didn’t, he repeated himself. “Please?”

You glanced at him, rubbing the hem of your shirt between your fingers.

“Have I ever lied to you?” he asked gently.

You shook your head slowly, hunching your shoulders.

“I will always always tell you the truth,” he said. “You’re my best friend. That’s never going to change, okay?” He carefully pulled your hand between his. “I care about you so much, (Y/N). You’re never going to get rid of me.”

You sniffled, glancing at him through your lashes.

Tears lined his own eyes, threatening to spill forth.

You were his best friend. He’d be lost without you, and he needed you to know that he’d never go anywhere, that he belonged by your side. You made him feel seen. You made him feel sane.

Whatever you needed from him, he would give.

“Can you…Can you hold me?” you whispered, trying to keep your voice from breaking.

He answered by laying on his back, waiting for you to settle on his chest, hands still connected.

“Get some rest,” he whispered. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

—

Malcolm stayed with you for the next few days. He even called Gil and said he had to take a personal day, much to Gil’s surprise and pleasure. Thankfully, Gil didn’t ask any questions. Malcolm never would’ve broken your trust like that.

Today was the first day you had gotten dressed. Malcolm considered that a massive sign you were starting to feel more like yourself.

“How’re you feeling?” He took in every feature of your face, searching for the most minute twitch.

“I’m…I’m better.” You nodded slowly. “I’m not okay. I know that, but I’m better than I was. Not everything’s as…dark.”

The corner of his mouth tilted up in a sympathetic smile. His fingers found yours, holding them lightly.

“All healing takes time. And I’ll be right here whenever you need me.” His eyes stayed locked with yours, nothing but sincerity in them.

You swallowed. “Thank you.”

He shook his head slightly. “You never need to thank me for doing something I want to do.”

It brought tears to your eyes—how kind he was. Malcolm was the only person you could trust with everything. He knew what it was like to be trapped in your own mind, to hate so many parts of yourself that you want to rip out.

And each time you were on the verge of relapsing, he’d pull you away from the edge. As you’d done for him.

“Why don’t we take a walk? See how many squirrels we can feed,” he said, offering you his arm.

Your face lifted, not a smile, but not so melancholy as it had been.

“Okay.”

Grasping the crook of his elbow, you interlocked your fingers there and let him lead you outside.

The sun's warmth sunk into your skin as Malcolm launched into what his mother was trying to rope him into. And when the first chuckle in a week passed your lips, the darkness didn’t feel so encompassing anymore.

Taglist: @phenomenal-bird

If anyone would like to be added to my taglist, please comment or message me and tell me which character you'd like to receive updates on.

[captain-hawks]

What are your tips for writing? Is there anything you do while you're editing your stuff before you post that you make sure to include or make sure you're doing? How do you know something is good enough to post? Also where do you get all your ideas? Writer to writer, I'd very much like to learn from you! You're amazing!

first of all, thank you for trusting in my writing enough to ask me this. it means so much, you have no idea!<3

so i do 99% of my writing in the first pass, rather than drafting and fleshing it out after. i try to live in my scenes while i'm writing them, and i most often let instinct, emotions, and rhythm take the wheel—i lose that if i do rough drafts first (but this method can also be time consuming when i get hung up on the flow of two sentences for an hour LOL).

before i post, i proofread for spelling/grammar errors (and then my soul leaves my body when i find a typo months later!!!) + accidentally repeated words (this is bold of me to say as someone who loves rhythmic repetition though). sometimes i add in a few extra sensory details. for smut in particular, i also make sure that i didn't get lost in the sauce and body parts are where they should be, and i read back through the dialogue in my head—that's sometimes subject to last minute adjustments.

my deciding factor on if something is good enough/ready to post is usually if i've accomplished what i set out to achieve with the story + if i'm happy with the ending. i have to feel like i've tied it up with an appropriate line or thought.

a lot of my ideas come from an opening line or piece of dialogue that pops into my head at an inconvenient time (like in the shower or driving, usually). the notes app on my phone is full of so many scattered ideas that i've quickly tossed down. i also get a lot of inspiration from music as well. like there have been some songs i've been listening to on repeat on my drive home from work all week trying to work out some fic concepts!

one of my biggest pieces of advice is write what YOU want to experience and feel as a reader. writing has been one of my favourite hobbies for most of my life, right alongside reading. there are few things i love than that feeling when you're reading something, and the way the author's written it hits the perfect stride with YOU, and your heart's pounding with excitement/happiness/etc. so when i'm writing, i'm actively like "okay, if i was reading this, where are the places where a certain piece of dialogue/an action/etc. would evoke the most emotion in me? what would i most want to see/hear?"

sorry for the word vomit 😂

[viperwhispered]

Those fic writer asks kinda got me thinking about my fic writing process, too (as inspired by diodellet's reply).

So, ramble time.

I guess I would mostly describe my writing process as sort of top down iterative thing?

Like, I definitely do messy first (and even second) drafts. I put down general ideas, some bits of text if I do already have some ideas for a particular scene, but mostly I try to get the basic structure together. What happens next, what's happening in this scene (and what's the point of it), stuff like that.

So the first draft might have some actual prose to it, and even prose that makes it to the end of the editing process, but often the sentences are shorter, or cut off, or have like three different alternatives. But in there might be some more refined exchanges (I tend to be kinda dialogue first a lot of the time), or bits of description there. Almost like points of (relative) clarity in the mud.

Typically, if I don't know what I want to do at a spot exactly, I leave it open to figure out for later and move onto the next bit. Of course, sometimes I need to figure out a direction before I can do that - for example, whether someone would be antagonistic or amiable in the previous scene certainly can affect what would happen after, and stuff like that. But in general, I jot down what I can, and leave difficult bits to be something I come back to later.

Now, I wouldn't say there's necessarily a definite point where I could call the first draft done and perhaps move on to the second. Like I said, it's very much an iterative process, and different parts of the work tend to get worked on at different times, depending on when I find solutions to my questions.

Typically, however, when I feel like I've got the structure down, I start focusing on the parts I've marked (I do a lot of comments but also formatting etc. to note the things that still could do with some work). Basically, it's multiple passes of going through the notes, dwindling them down.

Like, for any given part of the work, the structure would be something like: what's happening here in general > alright what's being said or done here > alright how exactly are they saying or doing it > what's the best word choices here.

Of course, in practice, all these levels muddle together, and different parts of the work will be in different stages. But as I go through the passes of the work, ticking off my notes, sorting out the parts that I've identified as needing work, I usually go down more and more into detail, until the final pass(es) are about particular words, sentence flow, or things like that - things very specific to that particular location of the work, rather than the larger, more overarching things.

So, depending on the length of the work, it may be that I only read through the whole thing once I feel like the structure is down. Then I go through the pinpointed things, until I have no more notes left, and read through the whole thing when I post it.

Again, not a hard and fast rule, and of course sometimes when looking at a particular, it is helpful and important to "zoom out" and look at the whole, and remind myself of everything that's happening around the particular spot I'm at. But in general, I don't really read through the whole thing, from beginning to end, all that much. Partially because I'm trying not to tinker endlessly, partially because I'm trying to make sure I don't end up just working on the first part of the work and neglecting the end of it.

So, it's been quite some time since I did long, multipart work, but I definitely did plot things out in advance, at least to get a general idea of what was coming, then again did multiple passes, adding more and more detail, going deeper and deeper from the level of general story or themes to the level of the text itself. For a shorter work, maybe most of it comes out at once, but even then if I'm stuck on a particular point I do try to just mark it up and move forward to get back later.

Years ago, on some forum, I remember describing the writing process as finding a big bead or pearl (a central scene, motive or idea) and then working on finding the complementing things around it to turn it into a proper necklace. Lately, however, I've been more willing to allow myself to just do that one big pearl: make it a drabble, just post the concept without prose, whatever.

In a way, it's kinda freeing, not telling myself it has to be long and "proper" to be worthwhile. There's always gonna be more ideas coming than I have time to write, after all, and especially nowadays I really want to make sure I'm doing this for fun and not for any sort of must or should or have to.

I say, pretending I don't feel the impending deadline for that fic that I've been kinda thinking about writing for my birthday - I had soo much time left when I first thought of it and now there's like couple weeks until my birthday. Time sure has been sneaking past me.

ETA: oh yeah, I wanted to mention it somewhere but forgot, there have also been those times when I've kinda just splurted out fic straight onto a discord channel. Definitely less refined than what I'd consider my "proper" way of writing, but I guess this is to say that sometimes I have been known just write without the edits and revisions and stuff.

[theflyingfeeling]

re: the discussion around today's Iltalehti interview with Joel and Niko reminded me of this one BC fic idea I've had in my drafts since summer 2021 (it's probably my 2nd ever BC fic idea after the one that ended up being my first ever BC fic), and yeah I know the connection is not clear lol it's clear in my head though just trust me with this one alright:

the story would be set 5 years after the band broke up because Niko left to start a solo career as a rap artist (don't laugh, it might happen!)

there was some major drama behind it (what kind? don't ask me lol) and he's absolutely miserable in case you're wondering

Joel is taking it hard because all his rock star dreams were completely crushed within 24 hours (still don't know how it all went down so don't ask; suggestions are welcome)

he tried to keep the band going but none of the other guys were passionate about it anymore because "it's just not the same without Niko"

starting a new band wasn't an option either because no matter what Joel did, people would never stop talking about the drama of the band break-up

so he gets drunk with Joonas every night

Joonas isn't any better than Joel tbh because besides the band break-up there was also a boyfriend break-up since Joonas and Niko were secretly gay in love

Aleksi went back to being a successful DJ/producer and is doing pretty fine

he is also the only one still (secretly) in touch with Niko

Olli is unemployed because he doesn't really know what to do with his life without the band because that was like his whole identity?

he's dealing with it slightly better though than J&J (not developing a drinking habit)

Tommi owns a music shop and employed Olli for a while but had to give him up because the business wasn't succesful enough for him to be able to pay Olli's salary

after being sacked, Olli couldn't pay his rent anymore and moved in with Aleksi

they share the bed most nights 🥺 Olli's excuses turn more bizarre night by night (e.g. the radiator's not working so he's cold, there's a weird noise keeping him awake, they watched a horror film right before bedtime and he's creeped out etc.) but Aleksi doesn't mind and they start slowly falling in love

Joonas and Joel also share a bed from time to time (platonically when they're sad enough, or when they pass out from being drunk enough)

Tommi also has a fiancée (+ a baby on the way?), the guys hang out at his music shop regularly

in the first scene of the fic, Aleksi, Olli and Tommi are gathered at the shop (Joel is ??? idk where and Joonas arrives later) and someone's reading a gossip magazine and there's an article about Niko being spotted/getting engaged with "the hottest pop star of the century" and as Joonas arrives they try to hide the magazine from him but eventually he reads it anyway

later that evening they all go out clubbing (an album release party for a friend's band?) and suddenly Niko arrives with his new posse

none of them (minus Aleksi) have seen him irl since the break-up so drama ensues

Joonas and Niko briefly exchange a few bitter (on Joonas' part) words as he's outside having a smoke and Niko follows him (they don't even look each other in the eyes)

...and that's all I ever managed for this AU 😅 surely there'll be a happy ending of some kind, but I never decided whether it's about the band getting back together or to just reconcile with Niko and leave the door open for maybe one day making music again 🥺

[eemamminy-art]

Author Interview

Tagged by @allaganexarch!! 😊

Long post with many questions below the cut

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

Somehow... I have 50?? Wild to me, but I suppose I have had the account for 10 years so maybe that's not so strange.

2. what's your total AO3 word count?

142,785. I don't know if that's a lot or not, I tend to just write short oneshots because it's all I have patience for lol

3. what fandoms do you write for?

Anything that catches my interest really haha most of my fics at this point are FFXIV but.. so is most of my art, it's kind of had me in a chokehold for the last 6 years

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

(all of the following are explicit btw, be careful if clicking the links. Just mind warnings and tags thanks :3)

Licking Wounds - FFXIV (Estinien/Aymeric) - 247 kudos I want to chock this up to just the fact that I wrote it in 2018 when there was next to nothing in the ship tag lol. After I wrote it I started writing a lot lot lot more (in longform rp mostly and then moved onto fic) and I feel like everything else I've written afterward is so much better!! It kind of irks me when people have said it's their favorite estimeric fic of mine, because it is far and away my least favorite thing I've written for the ship.

Say my name - FFXIV (Estinien/Aymeric) - 204 kudos This was honestly like my attempt 2 at the story I wanted to convey in Licking Wounds, but it's 10000% better please read this one instead 😂 Both this one and the previous one are meant to be the inception of their relationship immediately following the Through Fire and Blood canon short story.

Sleepless Night - FFXIV (Estinien/Aymeric) - 185 kudos I sort of revisited the idea in this one later too (Chipped Porcelain), but I'm still not 100% satisfied with it so I may return to this idea in a third fic one day. I do like it for the fact that it's not set during Heavensward, which was a first for me at the time! I love stormblood and as little of a role as Aymeric and Estinien have in it, I really really liked the tiny mentions of them and wanted to expand on it. They have so few scenes in 4.0 and 5.0 that it leaves a lot of room open for exploration of their relationship at that time!!

Long distance - FFXIV (Estinien/Aymeric) - 151 kudos I don't think on a technical/creative level I enjoy this fic much since I wrote it really quickly without much editing, but I love it in the sense that it was one of the first things I wrote while coming out of this notion that post-HW Estinien and Aymeric are exes/do not like each other/have beef/etc. That's a popular fanon for them based on how they interact in 5.X and 6.0 especially but I can't stand it and it frankly makes me really sad! It clicked for me that they could just have a long distance relationship and that suddenly opened up my eyes to all the potential stories they could have outside of the context of pre-canon or 3.X.

Vigil - FFXIV (Estinien/Aymeric) - 130 kudos This one was kind of a sequel to Licking Wounds actually, or at least I made reference to it in there! Kind of me facing my old writing that I didn't like very much. I feel a little embarrassed rereading this one because it's really shmoopy but that's kind of my style when I create anything so I should probably just embrace that!

5. do you respond to comments?

I try but I feel so weird about it!! 😭 I probably should at least say "thank you" but it feels like not enough when someone sends me some long thoughtful comment, so then I end up letting them sit and be like.. damn I should reply to this... I really appreciate every comment I get, it's just that I am not very confident in my writing and struggle to accept praise for it I think.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

No one ever said it would be this hard, I think is probably the angstiest one! I love angst but I love it in the sense that it amplifies the relief of having a happy ending follow it. This fic though I wrote during a really bad time in my life, and after I had felt kind of betrayed by a video game character who had been giving me some comfort back then 😂 I had lost my parents in 2013 and 2014 and found a great outlet for my grief in Fallout 4, particularly with Shaun and with Piper, and it felt like a gut punch that despite romancing her Piper was NOT on board with reuniting our little family lol. In hindsight uh no kidding she wasn't, but at the time I was like wow how could she do this to me!! 😭 So I wrote this little tiny ficlet on a fucking napkin on my break at work on Christmas Eve that year, since I was already sad anyway I thought, let's just wallow in this shall we? And then I transcribed it after I got home later.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I usually write happy endings so it's hard to decide. I think Benevolence probably stands out the most to me though, because it's a happy ending for Zenos which is something I crave every hour, every day, every week, since I played Endwalker 😂

8. do you get hate on fics?

Not to my face, though I've come across some subtweets about my lesbian au stuff quite a few times. I did get a weird anon hate on ao3 the other day though that sounded like a high schooler wrote it 😂 I just turned off anon comments though because I don't need people wasting my time to tell me they didn't like something I wrote

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

On occasion.. <:') it's always really romantic though, I love stuff that really focuses on emotional bonds and senses and just the intimacy of it all. I do find that people tend to like my works better when I dip into more raunchy stuff, but it's really rare that I have any desire to write smut like that.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

So... okay idk if this counts, but my ex-gf and my ex-bestfriend and I had this LJ community where it was like a multi-universe rp but the rp was like, these random characters all writing on the same forum and being insufferable to one another 😂 it was so stupid but it was a lot of fun at the time!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, but I've had my art stolen quite a lot of times.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Or at least, it's been asked of me! I don't know if they did it in the end or not. I think it was for some of my estimeric fics? I was asked on twitter if it would be okay to translate it into chinese, since there is evidently a decent community for the ship with chinese fans!!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not exactly, though my partner gives me a lot of ideas for things to write or draw, and I've been helping my friend brainstorm a lot for a series they are working on!

14. what's your all-time favourite ship?

As if I could pick just one!! 😩 Well I think in recent years it's been obvious I adore Estinien/Aymeric, Fordola/Lyse, and Zenos/WoL (specifically meteor but other wols are also good sometimes, depends on the wol though). They all make me really happy.. I do a little finger touch and have a little giggle when I see them.. 🥺

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I think if I were to finish it, I would go back and redo it entirely, but I had a wip that I'd just barely started about Aymeric meeting Thordan face to face for the first time. I don't really want to go into much detail beyond that, but I really loved the concept and have wanted to go back and work on it for years, but I think I built it up too much in my head about how perfect I wanted it to be. But maybe someday!!!!

16. what are your writing strengths?

Characterization and specifically internal monolog/descriptions from character POV.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Dialog, especially when it comes to the fantasy ye olde english type of dialog, too much repetition and too much simple language. Run on sentences, like uh all of this post lmao.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I think it would be cool!! I speak like the most simplest amount of a second language so I don't think I'd be able to do it for a long time unless I had a lot of help, but I like the concept of it! I wanted for a long time to draw a short original lesbian comic and put out versions in both english and polish, but at this point the idea I had for it is a little too simple and my inspiration for it is a little too dim, but maybe one day I will attempt it!

19. first fandom you wrote for?

Probably either Inuyasha or Ranma 1/2, when I was like.. 12 or something 😂 If we're counting just what's on my ao3 though, my first fics were for Deus Ex (set somewhere between human revolution and the first game) though I have since orphaned them because I'm no longer comfortable with them.

20. favourite fic you've written?

I don't think I can narrow it down to just one!!

A port in a storm is without a doubt my favorite character study of Estinien pre-canon. It's in my lesbian au so it's not exactly how he would be, he's perhaps even more averse to other people in this universe, but it's I think a great example of his kind of frightened cat with their hackles raised demeanor. Plus it portrays really well the dynamic I love between Estinien and Aymeric, and also butch and femme identities.

Bewitched is another favorite, because it's another sort of character study but this time for Zenos. I really really liked the idea of Garleans being culturally conditioned to fear magic due to their inability to use it, and I liked exploring that in this fic, of making the warrior of light be terrifying and thus exceptional and noteworthy to Zenos, just for the fact that he's a healer.

Just Listen is probably the longest fic I've written both in terms of actual length and in terms of time I spent actively writing it. It was my way of working out my unhappiness with how the relationship between Aymeric and Estinien changed in canon while still trying to keep it relatively canon-compliant! It also was my way of showing just how complicated and messy they are, but unlike other fics I've read about the same sort of topic, I opted for love to triumph over all. If FFXIV has taught me anything, it's that even the worst and most hopeless of times and lowest of lows in relationships can still find happiness in the end with enough love and determination. 💛💛💛

Thanks for reading all this rambling if you did!!! I don't usually like to talk about or even acknowledge my fic so this was a good exercise in doing that. :3

Tagging: @4th-make-quail @notapaladin @salmonking @lesbxdyke @mariyekos @grahatini @randomsquirrel @sherribon @ladyramora and anyone who saw this and thought "hey, this looks like a lot of fun!" :3

[sukibenders]

I honestly also really liked Saphne in Season 1, particularly when they were fake courting….I was wondering if you could rec some fics that dealt with That Scene or its aftermath with sensitivity and care?

Oh yes, I completely agree because the fake courting turned to genuine love was actually really cute. You got to see their playfulness and their quirks really well, and how they mesh. But following that episode, it kind of changed the perspective and not in a good way. I'll be honest, I've been searching on ao3 for fics that tackle the topic and, the results, range from either not addressing it at all to something a bit more...graphic to the least, definitely not with care (it's under the hurt/no comfort and I won't put you through that).

I have found some, but they vary, and I'll do my best to at least leave a good description of what happened so nothing (hopefully) surprises you as, even while in each of these fics that scene isn't discussed in graphic detail (unless stated otherwise), I still don't want to leave anything out in the open given the sensitivity of the subject at hand.

Petrichor by glorious_clio

(This follows the aftermath, in a way, if that scene where, in the first chapter, Daphne does apologize and fully admits to what she did to Simon, there's conversations about the dynamics of their relationship (from them both harming one another in a way, addressing Simon's relationship with his father, etc). I haven't read all of it, fair warning to keep in mind, but there is continuous notes of asking for consent (there's a lot of smut, so there's that) with Daphne learning how to proceed around Simon given what's happened to the author even stating that there will be no more breach of trust nor consent moving forward. This fic also falls under the unplanned pregnancy trope, which would have been better for both these characters and the story as a whole rather than SA.).

I'm Tired of Pretending ( we'll get through this together ) by melanoradrood

This fic handles the complex nature that was Saphne following that episode and their arrangement after it. It's very emotional, holding both characters accountable for the harm they did to one another. It does talk about what Daphne did to Simon, so just a fair warning even if it doesn't do so graphically. There is smut in this fic, but not until the end where they at least have had time to talk with one another. It is dialogue heavy, but it establishes Saphne developing healthy communication habits, especially with Simon working through his trauma with his father as they discuss the topic of children.

The Bassett Heir by Gilari

The fic opens up with it being very clear that Daphne SAing Simon does not take place, but she is aware of how children are made and the pair still do fight, especially here. It follows the unplanned pregnancy trope and, with Simon's own trauma, he reacts badly and so on so forth. It addresses in the first chapter of Daphne possibly convincing herself to go forward with her original plan, but she's disgusted with the idea and knows deep down that it's wrong.

periods, fast food, and female rage - A Survival Guide by orangepeelshortbreadcookies (they're amazing by the way, so check out their page as well)

This fic follows more closely with Eloise and Hyacinth more so than Daphne and Simon, but Daphne is there. Eloise and Hyacinth butt heads, fight, and come together and then there's a reveal from Hyacinth that she overheard Simon telling A&B what Daphne did (believing that it was his fault), to which Eloise at first doesn't believe but then later on gets Daphne to admit it. Fair warning, there is some denial on, not only, Daphne's part but Violet as well, who seems more akin to believe that just because she failed to give Daphne the talk that it's all good now and that it was, largely, her [Violet] fault. This fic juggles the complex nature of SA and how it can feel when you discover someone in your family, who you are close to, is capable of something so horrid and the impact that it can have. I think it does a good job at handling the subject, and rightfully holds Daphne accountable while still treating the subject at hand with care. This is a modern au by the way.