#when nico gets his special mood disorder note LOL

[mediumgayitalian]

"Take my seat."

"Your seat sucks."

"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine this morning."

Nico scowls at him. It, unfortunately, does nothing, because Will was born with zero fear instinct and is looking forward to the day Nico kills him.

"It's six in the fucking morning, Solace. The sun is not even a ray of sunshine this morning. Because it is too fucking early."

"Children," drawls Will, lazily. He gestures to the children in question, who watch Nico, giggling. Nico flushes.

"Move."

"I'm movin', I'm movin'."

He scooches down the bench, pushing his little siblings as he goes. They offer zero help, letting him manhandle them around on the little wooden bench and boasting about how big they're getting. Will rolls his eyes playfully at them and tells them to eat their vegetables to keep that up.

Nico perches tentatively onto the open spot, holding his breath.

"Sorry," he mutters, gaze locked onto the table. "For -- cussing."

The oldest of Will's sisters -- Kayla, if Nico remembers correctly -- barks a laugh.

"Oh, don't you worry, Nico, you shoulda heard Will last night when he walked right into the --"

"Aaaaaannd that's two weeks of laundry for you."

"What?! No! That's abuse of power!"

"That's what you get for being a loudmouth.

Will's eyes flash something amused and dangerous -- daring her to continue. Kayla scowls, pushing her plate away and sticking out her tongue.

"Ugh." She mutters something, under her breath. It might be stupidhead.

Nico suddenly works very hard to tamp a smile down.

"You'll get used to it," Will offers, nudging their shoulders together. "Kayla is biding her time, see, so when I finally keel over --"

"Don't tempt me."

"-- she'll be ready to take over as Dictator of Cabin Seven."

Nico pokes at the omelette Will put on his plate. There is something green in there. Gross.

"Dictator?"

"'Democracy is by the people, for the people, unfortunately you brats are little demons sent to test my patience and so this is what you get,'" quotes the toddler on Will's left. Probably not a toddler. But he's approximately the size of a peanut M&M, so Nico takes a guess. "Will says when he stops waking up to new gray hairs we can discuss shifting into an electoral system."

"Mhm."

Next to Kayla, Austin -- the musician, Nico remembers -- pipes up. "Although we've been interesting in staging a coup. Would you be interested, Nico? I've heard you have an army or two you can --"

"No," Will says loudly, looking pointedly at his brother. "We talked about this, Austin. No magic from doofus over here until he's healed. You can wait a couple weeks to see a zombie again."

Austin pouts. It takes Nico a few seconds to realize he is the doofus in question. He misses Austin's mumbling about video games and real-life boss battles in favor of sputtering, loudly, and waving his hands with enough force to knock four utensils off the table.

"Ex -- excuse me!" he stutters, glaring at a laughing Will. "I know you are not referring to the King of Darkness as -- as doofus!"

Will has dimples when he smiles, on the dead centers of his round cheeks; they blink in and out of existence as he tries, halfheartedly, to school his face.

"My deepest apologies, Your Majesty," he says, not sounding very sorry. "I shall never refer to you as such again."

Nico scowls. "Good!"

"It would be Prince Doofus, to you. I cannot believe I so misspoke."

The rest of the table -- even Kayla, who is still determined to launch as many pieces of bell pepper into Will's hair as she can -- bursts into giggles. Only Austin bothers to muffle them in his hands.

He, Nico decides, is his favorite. The rest of them are -- are insubordinate, unbelievable, plebian yokels.

(Cute yokels, the little ones.)

(But yokels.)

"I'm leaving," Nico growls, pushing himself up from the table. "I don't know why I even --"

"Hey." Will smiles when he looks, small and apologetic and genuine. "I'm sorry, Nico, I'm only teasing. I'll stop. Stay."

"Yeah," pipes up Kayla. "I'll hit him every time he teases you."

"Me too!" adds Austin. "I'll throw homefries!"

Three other little voices cheer their agreement.

Will nods sagely. "See? They'll hit me."

Nico hesitates.

Will sticks out his bottom lip, fluttering his eyelashes.

Nico melts.

A little.

"Fine," he mutters, dropping back on the bench. "I'll -- whatever."

Will grins, slinging an arm over Nico's shoulders. "Stay as long as you like."

[stormblessed95]

🌊Percabeth🦉 & ☀️Solangelo🌟

The Riordan Verse has a new book coming out that's focused solely on Nico and Will! Which I couldn't be more thrilled and excited about! It's called "The Sun and The Star" and I'm sooo ready for it. Like completely. And so I'm my excitement, I'm making a post dedicated to my 2 favorite Riordan Verse ships, Percabeth and Solangelo, because they are amazing 😍

Starting with Nico and Will, because it's their book that's coming out soon! They are the epitome of the golden retriever puppy and black cat trope. Lol i love it. And i fully anticipate and plan to add to this with quotes/moments between them that I love from the new book too. Also I'd hope it wouldn't need to be said, but spoilers for all PJO books from this point on, just to be on the safe side. If you don't want possible spoilers, don't read further!

"Nico,” I said at last, “shouldn’t you be sitting at the Hades table?”He shrugged. “Technically, yes. But if I sit alone at my table, strange things happen. Cracks open in the floor. Zombies crawl out and start roaming around. It’s a mood disorder. I can’t control it. That’s what I told Chiron.“And is it true?” I asked.Nico smiled thinly. “I have a note from my doctor.” Will raised his hand. “I’m his doctor.” “Chiron decided it wasn’t worth arguing about,” Nico said. “As long as I sit at a table with other people, like…oh, these guys for instance…the zombies stay away. Everybody’s happier.” Will nodded serenely. “It’s the strangest thing. Not that Nico would ever misuse his powers to get what he wants.” “Of course not,” Nico agreed."

"At this point, you may be wondering how I felt seeing my son with Nico di Angelo. I’ll admit I did not understand Will’s attraction to a child of Hades, but if the dark foreboding type was what made Will happy… Oh perhaps some of you are wondering how I felt seeing him with a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. If that’s the case, please. We gods are not hung up about such things."

Art by Cloud!

“In the meantime, no one should roam the camp alone. Use the buddy system.” “Understood! Nico, will you be my buddy?” “You’re a dork.” The two of them strolled off bickering"

“I apologize for my boyfriend.” “Could you not-?” “Oh I’m sorry, would you prefer special guy? Or significant other?” “More like significant annoyance in your case.”

“I’m guessing that was a Star Wars reference. My boyfriend is a Star Wars geek of the worst kind.” “Okay, signor Mythomagic, if you’d just watch the original trilogy with me-"

“Ladies and gentlemen, my glow-in-the-dark boyfriend.” “Could you not?!”

“NOBODY KILLS MY DAD AND NOBODY HITS MY BOYFRIEND!”

"You guys go," Will told me, "The chariot is only designed for three and after that shadow travel, Nico is going to pass out any second." "No I'm not," Nico complained, then passed out. Will caught him in a fireman's carry and took him away. "Good luck! I'm going to get the Lord of Darkness some Gatorade!"

Art by @/tamaytka on Instagram

I'm 1000% reserving a spot here for new quotes from the new book for Solangelo that I will edit in after it releases. Lol and no, im not sorry. They are everything each other need 😍😍

Percabeth have so many moments. Their relationship is so cute and so much fun! I could honestly talk about it all the time and they clearly love each other so much. The epitome of childhood friends to Lovers with so much bickering happening lol

"I imagined she was going to say, You killed a Minotaur! or Wow, you're so awesome! or something like that. Instead she said, "You drool when you sleep."

"Before I could lose my courage, I said, "Don't I get a kiss for luck? It's kind of a tradition, right?" I figured she would punch me. Instead, she drew her knife and stared at the army marching toward us. "Come back alive, Seaweed Brain. Then, we'll see."

"Percy smiled at her - that sarcastic troublemaker smile that had annoyed her for years but eventually had become endearing. His sea-green eyes were as gorgeous as she remembered. His dark hair was swept to one side, like he'd just come from a walk on the beach. He looked even better than he had six months ago - tanner and taller, leaner and more muscular.Percy threw his arms around her. They kissed and for a moment nothing else mattered. An asteroid could have hit the planet and wiped out all life, and Annabeth wouldn't have cared."

"Annabeth's voice caught on the word friend. Percy was a lot more than that. Even boyfriend really didn't cover it. They'd been through so much together, at this point Percy was part of her--a sometimes annoying part, sure, but definitely a part she could not live without."

"Percy pulled Annabeth close and kissed her...long enough for it to get really awkward for Piper, though she said nothing."

"Very slowly, using only two fingers, Annabeth drew her dagger. Instead of dropping it, she tossed it as far as she could into the water. Octavian made a squeaking sound. “What was that for? I didn’t say toss it! That could’ve been evidence. Or spoils of war! You other two…” He pointed his blade at Hazel and Piper. “Put your weapons on the dock. No funny bus—” All around the Romans, Charleston Harbor erupted like a Las Vegas fountain putting on a show. When the wall of seawater subsided, the three Romans were in the bay, spluttering and frantically trying to stay afloat in their armor. Percy stood on the dock, holding Annabeth’s dagger. “You dropped this,” he said, totally poker-faced. Annabeth threw her arms around him. “I love you!” “Guys,” Hazel interrupted. She had a little smile on her face. “We need to hurry."

"You promised, Seaweed Brain. We would not get separated! Ever again!" “You’re impossible!” “Love you too!"

"And it was the best underwater kiss of all time"

"We’re staying together’ he promised ‘you’re not getting away from me. Never again" Only then did she understand what would happen. A one way trip. A very hard fall. ‘As long as we’re together’ she said."

"Once she was gone, I knelt next to Annabeth and felt her forehead. She was still burning up. "You're cute when you're worried," she muttered. "Your eyebrows get all scrunched together." "You are not going to die while I owe you a favor," I said. "Why did you take that knife?" "You would've done the same for me." It was true. I guess we both knew it. Still, I felt like somebody was poking my heart with a cold metal rod."

"She put her hand on my spine, and my skin tingled. I moved her fingers to the one spot that grounded me to my mortal life. A thousand volts of electricity seemed to arc through my body."

 “Annabeth ran in right behind him, and I’ll admit my heart did a little relay race in my chest when I saw her. It’s not that she tried to look good. We’d been doing so many combat missions lately, she hardly brushed her curly blond hair anymore, and she didn’t care what clothes she was wearing - usually the same old orange camp T-shirt and jeans, and once in a while her bronze armor. Her eyes were stormy gray. Most of the time we couldn’t get through a conversation without trying to strangle each other. Still, just seeing her made me feel fuzzy in the head."

"The world was ending and the only thing that really mattered was that she was alive"

They gave up immortality for each other, Annabeth was the only person/thing Percy remembered when Hera wiped his memory and he forgot everything else, even who he was, they fell into Hell for each other, literally. Annabeth was who Percy thought of to keep him tethered to life. Annabeth jumped in front of a knife for Percy. I mean honestly. I love them so much. And I love seeing snippets of them through others eyes in the later book series too.

I'm doing a Riordan Verse reread binge soon because both a TV show and a new book will be coming soon and my heart is soooo happy! These were some of my favorite books when I was younger snd they mostly still hold up as amazing even now!

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (33/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Holy crappu! Chapter 33! Only one more chapter left and then this fic will be finished! I literally am in shock right now honestly. I'll save all the gushy stuff for the next chapter, but i'm still in shock lol. The final chapter is more like an epilogue so it may be out before Saturday since I already have half of it written! So keep your eye out for that! Sorry this chapter is late, i had a lot going on these couple of weeks and then like three hours ago I was almost finished with this but my roommate asked if I wanted to watch The Killing of a Sacred Deer (it's a movie i promise) and i was like. Um yeah who do you take me for OF COURSE! So here we are, three hours into sunday, and I'm an ass! Thank you all for reading this and for your lovely comments! The song at the beginning is from Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

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-

Chapter Thirty-Three

Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember.

-

University starts before Phil is truly ready for it.

One moment, he feels like he’s just minding his own business working and lazing around the house, and the next he’s scrambling to do last minute school shopping (i.e., buy a pack of pencils and that’s it). It hits him hard, but his friends are there for him and he even shares his creative nonfiction class with Charlie, so he can’t be too terribly mad.

The first couple of weeks go by rather slowly. His professors are all nice, and Phil had gotten a doctor’s note from his psychologist saying that he may have to miss school sometimes due to an ‘underlying mental illness’, which really just meant his post-traumatic stress disorder that occasionally flared up here and there. While it had gotten better, he wasn’t completely healed yet. Apparently that shit either took years to go away, or even never went away. But Phil was optimistic and every time he could smell Nico’s old cologne or watch Nico’s favourite show without going into freakout mode was a win for him.

Things got stressful fast though, sadly, which is true for all of university. One moment, he was just minding his own business, scrolling through tumblr at odd hours of the day, eating snacks, and the next he was scrambling to finish a ten page paper about why sex education in school is important while completely forgetting to eat as he rushed to finish. Dan was practically shoving food down his throat during it all, berating him for not starting the paper earlier.

What a hypocrite, honestly. Phil had seen Dan rush to finish a paper multiple times because his depression had gotten in the way of doing it earlier. At the least, he should at least understand when Phil did it too.

But then again, maybe he did understand. Maybe he was shoving food down Phil’s throat and promising him a bubble bath after he finished because he knew exactly what Phil was dealing with emotionally, knew how hard it was to complete things on time when the world was pressing on your chest in a way that made it hard to breathe.

After a while, his brain had had enough of the strain and decided to give up after five pages, spewing out a load of bullshit that didn’t make sense in the slightest. Phil buried his face into his palms, his eyes tearing up, and pressed his fingers against his eyelids to keep the wetness from leaking onto his cheeks. It didn’t really help too much other than to make his eyes hurt with the pressure.

“Why don’t you take a break?” Dan asked softly, draping a soft blanket around Phil’s shoulders. He kissed the side of Phil’s head, nuzzling his nose into his hair. “Email your professor and see if she’ll let you turn it in a day late.”

Phil laughed humourlessly, wetly. He didn’t think it was that easy. Plus, wouldn’t that just make him look bad by asking for special treatment? “And let my professor know that I was slacking on this assignment? I’d rather die.”

Dan hummed and pulled Phil’s laptop off of his lap, ignoring the small protests that came out of Phil’s mouth when he did so. Without asking, he replaced the laptop with himself, plopping on Phil’s lap like he was a dog. He poked Phil’s nose. “Mental health isn’t being lazy or slacking, my dear boy. It’s an actual disorder of the brain that renders you incapable during periods of time where you would otherwise be okay. Sometimes you can be in a bad place for weeks, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your professors already know that there’s something going on with you. Asking for an extra day to complete the assignment is just you trying to be responsible and practicing self care. If you don’t finish tonight, then you’ll look like you don’t care about it at all and you’ll get points taken off of your assignment. Which would you prefer?”

In the end, Phil emailed his professor. Although he did do it with a lot of whining and grumbling, just to make Dan mad. (It doesn’t matter that Dan doesn’t get mad at him anyways, no matter how hard Phil tried. He was always way too understanding, damn it).

After only five minutes of refreshing his gmail anxiously, Dr. Lucifer replied with a chill, ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll give you until Wednesday to complete it. Feel better Philip!’ There was even a smiley face at the end, so out of place after Phil had carefully constructed his email, made sure there were no typos, practically typing out a double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman persuasive paper about why he needed an extra day to complete. And then here was his professor, signing off with a fucking smiley face.

“Was that so hard?” Dan asked softly, brushing a hand through Phil’s hair.

Phil pouted and, because he was a jerk, pushed Dan off his lap light enough that Dan wouldn’t get hurt and could catch himself when he fell. “Shut your mouth, Howell, you owe me a bubble bath.”

Phil did end up getting his bubble bath, complete with a robot bubble bar from Lush, candles around the tub, and his favourite anime playing on his laptop that was set on the toilet so he could see. However, he also got an armful of Dan, which was something pure and good.

When Dan joined the bath, it didn’t matter that they were both too giants trying to fit into one tub. It didn’t matter that Phil’s legs started to go numb after a while or that they had to get out quicker because they got too hot too fast. All that mattered was that they were spending time together, with Phil’s arms around Dan’s waist, gently running his nails over Dan’s stomach because he knew that Dan liked it when he did that.

Most of the time, Phil liked to be held by Dan simply because it made him feel safe and warm and loved. But today, Phil wanted to be able to hold somebody. Holding something against his chest made him feel like his heart was full, like there was someone who needed him and who he needed in return. It was so relaxing, in his opinion, especially when that person was Dan, who he could press kisses all over his shoulders and neck. Who’s hair he could mess with, twirling a curls around his finger and pretending like his fingers were curling irons.

It was nice. It got Phil’s schoolwork off of his mind, that’s for sure. And when Dan turned around, capturing Phil’s lips in his, asking if he wanted a ‘good job blowjob’, Phil definitely didn’t have any complaints.

-

Phil had a break in between his Poetry and his Creative Nonfiction class where he liked to go to the different dining halls to grab some food. Depending on the day, Phil would meet up with either Louise, Dan, or both, and they would have a meal together, talking about how their classes were going, or how life in general was going. Phil really liked Louise and he was glad that they were getting to know each other better, thanks to Dan.

Plus, seeing Louise and Dan together reminded Phil of how he and Chandler used to be. They had their own inside jokes and would sometimes just break into laughter as soon as they made eye contact for no apparent reason. Louise made fun of Dan with no shame and Dan laughed so loudly that his voice would go all high pitched and squeaky.

Whereas most people may feel like they were a third wheel after something like this, Phil didn’t feel that way at all. It was nice on days where Phil didn’t feel up to talking too much, and it was nice on the days when Phil wanted to join in and create his own inside jokes with them. Watching the two of them together was a gift in itself, because Phil liked to watch how Dan interacted with people who weren’t, well, him.

When Dan wasn’t talking to Phil, his voice was louder and more brash, more obnoxious. He was more sarcastic, kind of mean, but only in a joking way. He liked to tell people to fuck off, liked to tell them that they were twats. He cussed a lot and was a dramatic piece of shit that was so painfully obviously studying something in theatre.

With Phil, Dan was all smiles and soft voices and warmth. Sometimes he would get all competitive and act like he was the most important drama queen on the planet, but then other times he would be all cuddles and kisses and compliments. Phil would love to tell the whole world about Dan’s big praise kink whenever Dan was in his boasting mood with Louise, but he didn’t. When he smiled at Phil, he made these doe-eyes that really made him look in love, tone quiet when he teased.

In short, Dan was a lot gayer with just Phil around.

Today was just one of those days where Phil didn’t really feel like talking. Dan understood this and didn’t press him for answers, knowing by now that Phil sometimes just needed time to be quiet and think about life. Everyone had those days, and Phil was having a day like that now.

Dan was holding his hand on the table, and Phil was grateful once again that they had opposite dominant hands, that way they could hold hands while still eating. Phil was eating a taco bowl made with spicy shrimp and Dan had gotten a sub sandwich with a taro bubble tea. Despite Dan’s efforts to make Phil try the drink, Phil refused, saying that he was afraid it would taste like a potato.

Louise and Dan were in a dispute about which bubble tea flavour was the best. Louise was stuck on mango while Dan said that the milk tea and taro were definitely the best. Phil just smiled and sat back, sipping on his own earl grey bubble tea. He liked it, but it wasn’t the best he’d ever tasted at all. He just hadn’t been in the mood for anything particularly fruity, so this was the most logical answer.

“How’s your tea, Phil?” Louise asked, drawing Dan’s attention towards Phil as well.

Phil shrugged and sipped at it again. “Spicy. Wait, no that’s not what I-” he was cut off by the sound of Dan trying to hold in a laugh, but failing miserably as it came out with a snort. He made eye contact with Louise, whose eyes were watering from trying not to laugh, and then they all burst into laughter. The table was practically vibrating with their noise, and Phil’s throat hurt from cackling so hard.

When Louise could finally get in a breath, she wheezed out, “Phil, that is the whitest thing I have ever heard you say.”

“I forgot what the word for herbal was!” Phil whined, which only made Dan laugh harder.

“Earl grey isn’t even an herbal tea, Phil!”

Phil pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your mum isn’t even an herbal tea.”

Louise shook her head, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. Her makeup was a bit watery and messed up now, but it didn’t look bad. If anything, it was just endearing. “I can’t believe we’re still using your mum jokes.”

“I can’t believe you’re my friend,” Phil shot back, shaking his head in disappointment at himself. In all honesty, he was really grateful for both Louise and Dan, and they both knew that. Without them, Phil would probably just be sat in his apartment with no friends and sad piano music playing in the background.

The epitome of depression.

Just then, Phil glanced around the dining hall that they were in and his eyes came to a stop on someone who looked slightly familiar. It took him a moment to realise why they looked familiar, because this person had curly brown hair with blonde highlights, and Phil didn’t know anybody with blonde highlights.

But apparently he did now, because Nico was standing across the dining hall, in line at the bubble tea shop. As opposed to the other times Phil had seen him, this time he was completely alone and staring right at Phil with a hard frown on his lips.

From where he was sitting, Phil couldn’t see the freckle constellations on his face. He couldn’t see the colour of his eyes or how they shined emerald in the light. He couldn’t see the lines between his eyebrows or each individual strand of hair. He couldn’t smell his cologne or hear his voice.

And yet, Phil could hear his voice. He could smell his cologne. He could see the fucking freckles on his face and the glitter of emerald in his eyes and the lines between his eyebrows and each individual strand of hair. If somebody had asked him if he could draw constellations connecting each freckle together with only a pen and a piece of paper and no map, then Phil would be able to do it perfectly. Because even a year later, the memory of Nico was still burned into his head so intensely that he still couldn’t forget all of the tiny details that made up the man.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand but Phil was so focused on the matter at hand that he hardly noticed. He could feel panic build up in him, making his skin pale and shaky. He felt nauseous, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been whenever Phil had seen Nico before. This time, it was just a smooth thrumming in his bones, vibrating him, making him feel like his skeleton was trying to shed off his own skin.

He hated that he was doing this in front of Louise, hated that he was showing weakness once again in a public setting. Every time he thought that he was doing well, that maybe for once he was taking his PTSD by the balls and throwing it against the wall for good, it seemed to be thrown back in his face in one way or another.

“Phil.”

Nico didn’t look away and Phil couldn’t bring himself to either. They were frozen, thinking about a time when they were together, when Phil had put Nico first no matter what it did to his own mental health. Back when Nico’s opinion meant more than his own, when he had done everything to keep Nico and had gotten nothing in return but harsh words and a cold shoulder. Now being with Dan, Phil doesn’t know how he’d been with Nico for so long when he had constantly felt like shit. But he also knew that it wasn’t that simple. He’d been trapped by the sick idea that that was what love was supposed to be like, thanks to all of those sick love stories that made him believe that love meant sacrificing parts of yourself for your partner even if it makes you sad.

“Phil. Phil, hey.”

Dan’s hands were on both of Phil’s cheeks then, turning his head to face him. His hands were cold against Phil’s hot cheeks, but his eyes were warm like tea. His eyebrows were crinkled with concern, his thumbs rubbing over Phil’s cheekbones to try to bring him back to the present.

When he finally got Phil’s eyes on him, Dan smiled softly and bumped their foreheads together, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s. “Hey,” he murmured quietly.

Phil tried to smile but he only succeeded in his lips twitching up slightly, eyebrows furrowed like he was worried about something. Face pale like he had seen a ghost. “Hi,” he whispered, voice shaking slightly.

Ignoring Louise’s presence completely, Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s nose. Feather light but full of feeling. Full of care. A small I’m here for you. Phil glanced out of the corner of his eye, back over towards Nico. He saw the way Nico was gritting his teeth, clenching his fists. Saw the way Nico muttered under his breath and then turned away, getting out of line and walking out of the dining hall.

“Hey,” Dan said again. “Look at me. Are you looking at me?” He pulled away and pressed kisses against Phil’s forehead, his cheeks, the corner of his lips. Phil was looking at him now. He was always looking at Dan. “Good. Keep your eyes on me. I’m here, okay? Everything is going so well, you’re doing so well. I’m so proud of you, you know? You’ve gotten so far and you’re doing things for yourself and even if you trip and stumble sometimes, you don’t let it stop you. You keep going no matter how hard it is. You’re so strong, Phil. You always have been.”

Phil closed his eyes, let Dan’s words wash over him. With Nico out of the room, he was starting to calm down, but it was hard to completely grasp the present enough to get himself out of the past. It was almost as though he had hands grabbing at his legs, trying to pull him under until he was gasping for breath, completely submerged in memory that he didn’t quite want to remember.

Slowly, Dan started to pull him out, whispering to Phil how he inspired him every day to be a better person, how Phil had gone through hell and yet had gotten out despite not believing in himself. When he ran out of things to say, he started talking about what was going on in their lives at the moment, how Phil had gone back to school and was doing so many things with his life now.

When Phil’s breath audibly stabilized, Dan kissed him lightly on the lips and pulled back slightly, looking at him with that calm smile on his face again. Phil’s eyes fluttered open and he stared into the warm brown, his heartbeat starting to calm. Dan grinned. “Better?”

Phil nodded and managed to smile back, albeit a bit shakily still. “A bit,” he rasped out. “I mostly just feel tired now.”

“Do you need to go back to the flat and skip out on Creative Nonfiction for today?”

This time, Phil shook his head. “No, I should go,” he sighed out, bumping his forehead to Dan’s and putting his hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly. “My writing journal is due today and I don’t want to deal with asking another professor for another extension. Better to just get it over with.”

Dan was beaming at him and he looked so full of sunlight that Phil was afraid he might burst. Phil gave him a quizzical stare, and if Dan was a dog with a tail, he would be wagging it right then. “You didn’t freak out that bad!” Dan exclaimed as reasoning for being so excited. Phil pursed his lips as Dan continued. “You didn’t pass out, you didn’t start crying or have to leave. Fuck, you’re even going to class afterwards. That’s amazing, Phil!”

Phil was absolutely floored. He didn’t really think about it like that. All he had been thinking was that it was ridiculous that he was still dwelling in the past, that he was still panicking. Because he did panic, he did get anxious and upset. But this time, he had actually been able to get a hold of his emotions without something drastically changing. “I…” he started, and then laughed awkwardly, shaking his head in amazement. “Yeah, you’re right.”

While there was still anxiety inside of him, Phil hadn’t had a full blown panic attack. And it was while Nico was in the room. Every time Phil had imagined seeing Nico again, it had never turned out well. He had always thought he would freak out or pass out or all of the above. But this time, he didn’t do any of those things.

“We need to celebrate,” Dan joked, and it was then that he seemed to realise that Louise was still there. Poor Louise, who was just eating her food and scrolling through her phone without paying them any mind. She was so obviously trying to give them space, but her ears perked when Dan started to speak to her. “Louise, do you wanna buy Phil an ice cream?”

Phil laughed in shock, shoving at Dan. He shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t just ask people if they’ll buy things for me, Dan!” he scolded his boyfriend, giving him what was supposed to be a harsh look.

Louise jumped at the chance to be a part of the situation though, because she was reaching across the table and grabbing Phil’s hand in both of her own. With the most serious expression on her face that Phil had ever seen, she said, “I will buy you every goddamn ice cream in the world if that’s what you want.”

They stared at each other. Phil with his mouth hanging open and Louise with an unreadable expression. The longer they stared, the more laughter built up inside of Phil at the absurdity of the situation, and then they were both giggling. Louise squeezed his hand. “Seriously, Phil. I’m buying you ice cream whether you like it or not.”

“Fine,” Phil huffed. “Let’s have a full blown party in that case. I expect strippers.”

“Can’t forget the strippers. They’re essential,” Dan said.

Louise nodded and pulled out a mini notebook from her purse, jotting something down inside of it with a pink pen. “Got it. Ice cream and strippers. I’ll throw Phil the best gosh darn anti-panic-attack party there ever was and you better be there. Or else.”

Phil didn’t know what the or else meant, but he knew that he was going to be there for sure, surrounded by people who he loved and cared about, and who felt the same for him. Because this was the kind of thing that people should throw parties for apparently, and he was just going to have to accept that.

Accepting it wasn’t very hard, after all.

Chapter Thirty-Four