#when it's been four hours since my last supplement

[cbk1000]

One thing I hate about taking iron supplements is having to plan what I eat/drink around it, because certain food and drinks will block iron absorption. Mr. Jenn makes me some scrambled eggs for breakfast? No cheese because it's too close to my next supplement, and dairy blocks iron absorption. No morning tea that I love to start off with because the tannins in it will block iron absorption. I want that shit injected directly into my veins and to be free.

[annieqattheperipheral]

HER STORY IS INCREDIBLE EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND LEARN FROM THIS QUEEN ⤵️

Kiana Scott, who played minor hockey system for 11 seasons, including four seasons on boys teams, gravitated to scouting from watching her brother’s games and critiquing his strengths and weaknesses.

Unaware of jobs available in hockey, she enrolled in makeup artistry college after high school, but knew her heart was in the sport.

She eventually enrolled in an online hockey general manager scouting course.

Scott joined the International Scouting Service Hockey mentorship program in 2018 and scouted for the service for two years while holding down two jobs.

“I love scouting future prospects, and the evaluation process,” she said. “I think that's kind of where my passion lies. It's just the evaluation process. And it's exciting, building a team.”

Scott spent two seasons as a full-time scout for Erie before she took a bold step and left the organization to move to Calgary and became an independent scout in June 2022.

“I just kept practicing my craft and kind of paid my own way, like, throughout the whole year,” she said. “All of the tickets to every game, all of my travel expenses, everything. I just put all my money into scouting and trying to evolve and then I ended up getting my (Avalanche) internship the next year.”

Scott had some financial help from her family for the move and she supplemented her income by working as a bartender at a Calgary casino, a job with hours that allowed her to scout games.

If all that wasn’t enough, she also enrolled in the University of Florida’s online sports management program.

“I've always had the mindset to just keep betting on myself and working hard and evolving,” she said. “I think I've taken a lot of risks to get to where I am, but I wouldn't try to change the journey for anything.”

Scott said she hopes women, women of color and people who don’t come from a so-called “traditional” hockey background will follow her on the journey.

“I grew up playing hockey, but I didn’t play professional hockey, I didn’t go to college or university for hockey,” she said. “I just had a passion for it. I love scouting. I worked at it, and I continue working at my craft.

“People that don’t necessarily come from the traditional background, I hope they see themselves in me and believe that they can put their minds to it and get it done.”

-----

The 2024 NHL Draft was as eventful for Kiana Scott as it was for the players who were selected in the seven-round event at Sphere in Las Vegas last month.

The 25-year-old Barrie, Ontario, native signed with the Colorado Avalanche at the draft to become a full-time amateur scout, fulfilling a goal she has had since she was a teenager.

“This is something that I've worked really hard for my whole career to be able to sign my first NHL contract,” Scott said. “I was elated. The Avs have been really good for me the past year, and I’m excited to keep building with them.”

Scott joined the Avalanche after working as an intern for the organization.

Colorado general manager Chris MacFarland said he and executive director of hockey operations Suzanne Borchert “were impressed with her work ethic and her passion."

MacFarland said: “Kiana was on our radar when she was scouting in major junior circuits ... and it worked that a few years ago we had an internship opportunity for her.

“She did a good job in that role and was an integral part of our amateur scouting department. We’re excited to see her contributions moving forward in her full-time role as an amateur scout.”

-----

Scott made history when she became the first woman scout in the Ontario Hockey League with Erie in March 2020.

She was among the initial of a wave of women who were hired in recent years as scouts at all levels of hockey, including Cammi Granato (Seattle Kraken), Blake Bolden (Los Angeles Kings), Krissy Wendell-Pohl (Pittsburgh Penguins), Meghan Hunter (Chicago Blackhawks), Gabriella Switaj (Anaheim Ducks) and Brigette Lacquette (Chicago Blackhawks).

Granato moved on from Seattle to become an assistant general manager for the Vancouver Canucks on Feb. 10, 2022, and Hunter was promoted to assistant GM by the Blackhawks on June 22, 2022.

“When I first started scouting, I didn’t know of any women in the industry already,” she said. “Cammi Granato got her job with the NHL a year after I started scouting. That’s when I kind of knew it was possible. But I never had anyone to look up to. I just had this dream and the passion for hockey. I knew that I had to the talent and skill to do it, and to try to keep building on them.

"That’s what I’ve always gone off on -- keep evolving, never give up on what you love.”

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Waiting for my telemed appointment. An appointment that was at 10:23am...and it's now 11:22am. Nurse called at 10:30am to go over everything and told me I'll receive a link for the appointment. It's been nearly an hour.

I had a shorter wait as a walk-in at the clinic.

Why not do a walk-in today? I went to urgent care on Monday for this issue (suspect UTI), then they sent me to the ER, and the ER told me to go to a gynocologist because it may be a yeast infection. Saw her on Wednesday. She wasn't sure, but gave me medicine for it because it might be. Took the medicine yesterday (Friday), and today my bladder feels like it's going to explode. Urine has been cloudy all morning, if I can manage to pee seeing as I'm going every five minutes. It feels like liquid fire!

I told the nurse the last time I had a UTI, it kept coming up negative in the urine sample. The doctor who treated me sent me home with a cup to collect a sample first thing in the morning. Lo and behold, it came up positive!

I'm in pain. My bladder will not shut up or calm down. Even after using the toilet, it still burns. Maybe I have both infections? I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case.

Now I need the fucking doctor to send me a link for this appointment. I need antibiotics before this moves up into my kidneys. That's what happened to my mom. She was asymptomatic, then she just...collapsed and had to remain in the hospital for over a week because the UTI had turned into a kidney infection.

And as of now, it's 11:31am.

UPDATE!

The reason the doctor was late is due to their telemed system being a brat. She called me directly, told me she 100% believe me because everything I'm describing is exactly what a UTI is, and she has the same problem with it being detected. I've got a prescription waiting to be picked up, and the medicine covers nearly every bacteria that causes UTI. She also told me the number of UTIs has shot up in the last three weeks because when stress is high, it can lead to a UTI. Recent events are definitely the cause.

Oh, and she said the fluconazole will prevent the yeast infection the antibiotic may cause, so it's a good thing I have it in my system now. I always develop a yeast infection when I use antibiotics. I'm also to drink lots and lots and lots of water, and herbal tea is also something she suggested. I take a cranberry supplement everyday, as suggested by the doctor who treated me for kidney stones twice in the same year (mine are made almost entirely of salt, which is why my diet is extremely low in sodium). Cranberry juice makes my mouth feel weird, but I'm not allergic to it. I just don't like the weird feeling.

My pharmacy is open on Saturdays, which is a fucking relief because I've been dealing with these symptoms since Friday of last week.

UPDATE 2

Four pots of herbal tea and two doses of the antibiotic have already brought relief. It doesn't feel like I'm passing molten lava, though it stinks all to hell and then some when I do urinate. Still cloudy too.

I'm feeling better though! Another nine days of the medication, and this infection will be gone. Hmmm...I may run out of a few teas between now and then.

[omegaremix]

Full Moon Music.

We’ve always featured darkness since our very first broadcast on Omega WUSB. By our fourth show, we came close in completing our first full-fledged darkness set in a more dis-organized era when we were still trying to figure ourselves out. Back then, ‘darkness’ meant any amount of well-known industrial, metal, and electronic acts with an evil, deviant, or negative tinge to it. Think Throbbing Gristle, Clock DVA, Whitehouse, Godflesh, NON, and etcetera. We finally achieved full force during a bonus summer broadcast (#21) and since then things evolved in how we did those shows. We’ve made a point in doing at least one but no more than two of these dark broadcasts per year, usually in the winter as it’s the best weather, and that’s not including the Halloween broadcasts we’ve done. That’s a whole other class in itself.

It wasn’t until November 2017 when I attended Hospital Productions’ 20th anniversary, a night I’ll never forget. It was the culmination of nine months of benefits and stay-at-home recovery from three life-saving shoulder surgeries. It felt so good being in my element in Brooklyn (Greenpoint) with all the industrialists, goth girls, and noise aficionados dressed in black. Ten hours of paying personal tributes to Dominick Fernow and his label made me realize there was more to look forward to. It’s something never experienced on Long Island, and don’t even get me started with what that “culture” consists of.

That event left a lasting impression on me. If the label had its’ magic on me with Cocaine Death, then I was totally mystified with its’ own showcase. Even everything surrounding it - the train rides, playlists, playbacks, the weather - felt significant to me. And then some. The following month, Omega WUSB opened up the winter broadcasting season / year with more Hospital Productions and Sacred Bones music to air. Both of those labels had their 20th and 10th label anniversaries respectively and we loved what they’ve released. Philip Best’s Alien Existence and a shipment of RRRecords’ cassettes and vinyl arrived at the residence; both which made me feel proud of myself. By Year Six, Omega WUSB was more focused in playing darkwave, synthwave, soundscapes, and even witch house. As the colder months progressed, I discovered a Brooklyn goth girl who followed me and liked my posts on the regular. She was that rare person I really identified with and gave me a serious run for my money like no other.

Through all the euphoric ups, heartbreaking downs, and greyscale steadies, the show must go on. The events of Hospital Productions and identification still surround me. They are a reminder of who I am, where I’m from, what I look forward to, and who I associate with. The darkness broadcasts still go strong and we look forward in doing them like you wouldn’t believe. By now, Omega WUSB has been more organized. Of all the different genres we play, we make it a point to do these dedicated darkness sets when the weather’s suitable and as long as the music’s current. Aside from that, we still run dedicated bonus (and even our one-and-only deluxe Leap Day) noise shows and we aim to make all of our other goth rock, black metal, classic industrial, minimal, and other midnight finds when and where applicable. All of our listeners know that organizing at least 15 different genres and making them all fit is a challenge.

This past winter, we aired one broadcast of dark electronics from Avon Terror Corps and the L.I.E.S. label, doom metal, no-tech, and some textural noise. Somehow we fell into the rabbit hole of darkwave, synthwave, minimal, and EBM and we’ve had enough for a great three-hour idea. With WUSB’s ethos of independent radio and our ethos of everything new, current, and relevant, we had a case to go off-the-board.

Here’s what I / we’ve been feeling and experiencing for the past four winters. This soundtrack supplements the pristine spectre of full moons and constellations in the clear frigid black skies, plus all the positive events that still stays with me make for a distinct spell I can call my own. No Wax Trax, no Bauhaus, The Cure, The Cramps, Siouxsie Sioux, or Depeche Mode. No doubt they’re all legends, but not every tracklist or mix has to be that way. Everything found here is current and on a different level. If at any time I need to get myself up, I’ll reach back to this and know I’ll come back to something I can call what’s mine.

Drift.: “Social Front”

Body Of Light: “Let Me Go”

Beta Evers: “Move In My Body Rhythm”

Makina Girgir: “Livides Clartes”

Kontravoid: “10,000 Voices”

La Scaltra: “Rhythm Of Our Dead Hearts”

Vore Aurora: “In Out And Thru”

Void Vision: “Body Says”

Aurat: "Shaitan” 

Violet Tremors: “It’s So Good”

Popsimonova: “No Contact”

U.Z.O. / Uho Za Oko: “Medsvetovje”

Colouroid: “Eye Shadow”

Boy Harsher: “Tears”

Crazy P: “The Witness”

Molchat Doma: “Sudno (Boris Ryzhy)”

Hante.: “One More Dance”

Jennifer Touch: “Chemistry”

Minuit Machine: “Don’t Run From The Fire”

Figure Study: “Interaction”

Drift: “Calculations”

Las Eras: “La Esclava”

Gold Zebra: “Invisible Disorder”

Brusque Twins: “What Else Is There To Say?”

Schonwald: “Rays”

Dolina: “Sorrow”

Technoir: “Dying Star (Mesh)”

Sally Dige: “Forget Me”

Drab Majesty: “Cold Souls”

Opale: “Sparkles And Wine”

Boy Harsher: “R.O.V. (New Beat)”

Minimal Kommando / Andreas Ohler: “Minimal Waver”

Linea Aspira: “Hinterland”

Rue Oberkampf: “Tokyo”

Marie Davidson: “Balade Aux USA”

Xeno & Oaklander “Sentinelle”

Aurat: “Pari”

Flesh Of Morning: “Death Becomes Bitter”

White Hex: “Paradise”

Kindest Cuts: “Cold Eyes”

Phosphor: “Another Time”

Girl Pusher: “Where The Fuck Is My Ambulance?”

Debby Friday: “Treason” (f. Lana Del Rabies)

Lana Del Rabies: ”Darcy” (Lav Andula RMX)

NGHTCRWLR: “Firestarter”

Zonal: “System Error” (f. Moor Mother) Wrecked

JK Flesh: “In Your Pit”

Ciarra Black: Stasis

Filmmaker: “The Love Market”

Provoker: “Theme”

Parole E Azioni: “Karaoke Night track #1″

Aurat: “Ilzam”

Essaie Pas: “Danse Sociale”

Drift: “Say It Right”

Deep Red:“Pray For Death”

Ciarra Black: “Dupont Street”

Cabaret Nocturne: “Moon Invaders”

Boy Harsher: “Tears” (Silent Servant RMX)

Kanga: “Going Red”

Promiseland: “Take Down The House”

Lead Into Gold: “Hard Won Decay”

Rosa Damask: Heroes

Zanias: “Follow The Body”

Azar Swan: “Jungle Law”

Canal Street Electronics: “By The River”

Salford Electronics: “Deconstruction”

JK Flesh: “Trinity”

Ron Morelli: “Disappearer”

KVB, The: “In Deep”

White Ring: “Shaken To Sleep”

Pink Turns Blue: “I Coldly Stare Out”

Cabaret Nocturne: “Blind Trust”

Figure Study: “Wait”

Boy Harsher: “L.A.”

Soma Sema: “Artificial Heart”

Natural Assembly: “She Walks In Beauty”

Void Vision: “The Source”

KVB, The: “Afterglow”

John Carpenter: “Vortex” (Uniform RMX)

Emptyset: “Dissolve”

Consumer Electronics: “Co-Opted”

Alan Vega: “Prophecy”

Ninos Du Brasil: “Em Que O Rio Do Mar Se Torna”

Vatican Shadow: “Weapons Inspection”

Molly Nilsson: “A Slice Of Lemon”

Lebanon Hanover: “Babes Of The 80′s” (Tobias Bernstrup RMX)

Urochromes: “Night Bully” (Boy Harsher RMX)

Body Of Light: “Holding You”

Broken English Club: “Channel 83″

White Ring: “Leprosy”

Flesh & Peaki: “Veiled”

Ghxst: “Ride”

Strahinja Arbutina: “You Don’t Need This In Your Life”

Mirrors For Psychic Warfare: “Tomb Puncher”

Ron Morelli: “Golden Oldies”

Azar Swan: “Silent Like A Father”

Boy Harsher: “Face The Fire”

Clay Rendering: “The Pest”

Ron Morelli: “Radar Version”

Vatican Shadow: “Take Vows”

Silent Servant: “The Silent Attractor”

Ninos Du Brasil: “Vagalumes Pirilampos”

Lust For Youth: “Display”

Gary War: “Don’t Go Out Tonight”

Appetite: “Bordeaux Gallow”

Believer/Law: “Foxhole Prayers”

Ciarra Black: “Series Of…”

Silent Servant: “Dissociation”

Vatican Shadow: “Interrogation Mosaic”

Boy Harsher: “Pain”

Contrepoison: “Heartbeat”

Led Er Est: “Scissors”

Molly Nilsson: “I Hope You Die”

KVB, The: “Always Then”

Princess Century: “Crummy Bones”

Natural Assembly “Life Blossoms”

Adult.: “Dance Avoid”

Grun Wasser: “The Deep”

Believer/Law: “Ashes”

Military Position: “Babes Ov Babylon”

Drvg Cvltvre: “Waging A War Against God”

Actress: “Dancing In The Smoke”

Peaches: “Convincing People”

Grimes: “Genesis” (Blvck Ceiling RMX)

Algiers: “Death March” (Prurient RMX)

Rrose: “Surgeon General (Her Insides Laid Bare)”

[oattoast]

tw pet death, animal death, grief

My cat is still very much alive! However, I'm coming to terms with her rapid decline. A lot of my days recently are centered around her treatments and vet visits and trying to get her to eat and stay comfortable. In the last three months she has gotten so slow and sick. Last year she had her first vestibular episode, and was (unrelatedly) diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Four months ago it was hyperthyroidism. Three months ago it was chronic kidney disease which worsened from one month to the next. All of these require medicines, special foods, supplements, and other treatments several times per day in attempt to control symptoms and slow the progression of her kidney failure. I have so many alarms set and I don't leave the house for more than a few hours. I can't leave her alone.

I am overwhelmed. I am the only thing standing between my cat and a painful death. And I am the being in charge of being the person who decides when to let her go, to stop fighting, to end her suffering peacefully when it is time.

My cat has been a huge part of my life and existence for 18 years, since shortly before my 16th birthday. I have a big tattoo of her face on my left bicep. She's been around longer than half my life now; a constant companion when friends moved away and my closeness with others ebbed and flowed. Her long silky fur has caught endless tears and kisses both. I have become an adult with her by my side. When I felt homesickness on short trips, I thought of her. I never took long trips because I didn't want to be away from her for too long, even when she was healthy.

I literally cannot imagine a life without her. There is a blackness when I try to picture it. How will I sleep without her warm comforting presence? For whom will I get up in the mornings? My routines are almost all around her. She is my home and my dearest friend in this life.

At the same time I don't want to let her go, I am aware how blessed I am to have had 18 years of love and funny stories and sweet memories with her. That is such a long life for a little cat. Friends and family always come to pay respects and visit with her when they come over. She has an adoring family. And until fairly recently she was very healthy and happy.

She has lived a good life. It is a good life. It is up to me to make it a good end too. I owe it to her as thanks for making my life fuller every day. She is good and she deserves that kindness. I love her so much. And I will miss her fiercely for the rest of my days when the time comes, and it will come soon. Not years anymore. Months if we are lucky. Weeks if we are unlucky. But really. All of it was lucky. We found each other in this life. What luck that is. What love.

[eternitysoup]

As I write this, my stomach is killing me because I had to stay up late and drink a RedBull and eat some donuts. What was I thinking? Anyway, onto my thoughts this morning.

Frugality is a hard necessity to master. Or maybe I'm just stressing because it's the 1st of the month, and I'm paying off some debts while watching our paycheck shrink just hours after it hit the bank. The first thing we did was pay back my sister and our neighbor: $300 and $420, respectively. They are great lifelines for loans when we need them, and I don't want to jeopardize anything like that. Someone who will lend you a few hundred bucks until payday without interest is just indispensable in these times.

The second thing I did was pay off the phone bill entirely. I had been making half payments on it for a while, but it didn't stop them from cutting it off last week. So this paycheck, I doubled up and paid everything off, past due $108, and current due $118, so I don't owe anything more until May. Having a phone is very important, even if I never leave my house. Also saw a notice that they are raising their base prices on my bill. Fun.

The third bill to be taken care of this morning is the electric bill. I'm still so miffed that last month, TXU charged me $25 because they charged my empty debit card instead of using the checking account I know I had set up in their app. I blame them, but I probably missed a step or a button somewhere.

After paying the electric bill, I took care of the Xfinity bill for $144 since it was due on the 3rd anyway.

I sat down and started going over our monthly pet supply order from Chewy. The dog needs new supplements, and we have to buy different cat food this time since it seems like the little girl cat throws up with the current brand. We're switching from Iams to PurinaOne this month to see how it does, and it's also on sale for a good price.

Funny thing, while I was doing my Chewy order, it said, "Orders over $100 get a free $30 gift card," so I used the promo code, and it increased my total amount. They charged me more tax and also took away my other discounts for brand loyalty with our American Journey dog food. My order was $280 before the promo and $285 after it. I opted to keep the promo, though, because I'm still ahead $25 with how it all shakes out, and the gift card will definitely be used in May.

That just leaves rent for $897, four credit card payments of about $50 each, and various small subscriptions like Hulu ($9), PS Plus ($17), YouTube ($25), and my FFXIV subscription ($15). I'm also aiming to put $100 in savings. So that leaves about $557 for the month for food, household items, or anything else that may come up. I definitely don't want to spend that entire remainder if I don't have to.

Side note: Absolutely forgot we have to return the old comcast equipment, still. Some of that stuff has been in our closet a year.

[jamiscrazy4krerdly]

The he/she/ghoul demigirl Catti fan focusing on ghoul not showing up in the spamton sweepstakes nor the newsletters: shriveled up, wilting away, beating up a pillow VS the he/she/ghoul demigirl Catti fan that realizes Toby Fox is intentionally hiding ghoul away because ghoul is the playable character of chapters 3-5: jumping up in joy, thriving, feeling the sun against their skin. (aw yeah progress report time >:3)

STUFF IS HAPPENING!!!! Wowowow so much stuffs its crazy how much stuffs is… I don’t… it’s… uhm, happening?!! I thought I should clear some shits up. Ok so basically I’m working on four simultaneous projects somehow!!! Two AUs (“Mystery Delta Dungeon” and Deltaswap Inspired “Delta Scene Change” title STILL pending) and the fourth and fifth iteration in my kind of Deltarune… Krerdly… series?? Idk what to call it but just know that that’s happening! The two new mainline fics don’t overlap too-too much which means working on both sort of at the same time is pretty stress free in the continuation department. Soo those are going smoothly (even if they’re still both kinda in the draft phase) and I’m really happy with the vibes there!! I actually decided to implement the fourth in the middle of the fifth so it’s more of a compliment to the series than anything but I definitely think it’s needed and a super welcome addition in my opini-onion. *~^* ~

The order I’m aiming to release my projs is Delta Dungeon 1st -> Delta Scene Change 2nd -> Pieromancer 3rd -> Boons and Banes of Love 4th! I think THINK (think) that Delta Dungeon could be finished by this year if I do a good job ;^> but don’t count on it because deadlines were my downfall for my last upload “Cosmetic Heart Container”. ònó I made the setting a friggin mall and pulled that “big fish small pond” shit at a MALL like omg there was so much… potential and I frew it all up but WHATEVER I’m proud of the buildup!! Just wish I didn’t have to spoil my own fun with deadlines (fuck deadlines)… maybe I’ll rewrite a sort of continuation for that fic and double it’s size when everything else is said and done?? I’ll see!!!! It definitely deserves justice!!

Speaking of aftermaths: I’ve been rolling the idea of a Catti-focused fic in my brain for a bit now. Don’t know about the nitty gritty details but after everything I think it could be fun to promote “major side character” to “main character” and see what happens. Don’t want to pull a Spamton NEO and drop dead after I sever my last string from Deltarune lol (ouch @o@) (won’t happen anytime soon @v@‘).

Since I posted Krises last time I felt like doing sneak peaks, here’s some supplemental Berdlys to keep them company.

Auugh the quality!! Sorry I blended the pixels and made a smoothie out of them. :( It was tasty tho.

Ok enough business it’s me time and I’m kicking it off with a huge announcement. I’m not afraid to say it anymore… I really like Gyftrot Noelle. I REALLY like Gyftrot Noelle!!!!! There’s something about her that speaks to me mhm mhm. My first experience with the concept was through the design done by @pespillo but while searching for references I also saw some really cute ones by @undertalegorls so definitely go and dig through their profiles to see the vision! ì.í

Okay I have to cut the silliness short because it’s time for… spontaneous Animal Crossing Headcanons!!

Kris Moment!!!

Bug Enthusiast Bug House Bug Island Only Bugs 3 Golden Nets In Inventory Flick’s Best Friend Flick Cosplayer Completed Bug Museum within 24 Hours via time traveling

Ugliest villagers imaginable

Most crafted item: pitfall seed

Crazy good at Hide-And-Seek, cracked custom outfit designer (countless horned-hat QR-codes)

Hates Blathers

“Sings” along at K.K. Slider concerts,

“Make Flick and CJ gay wedding real right now @NinninedoOfficial @NinninedoOfficial @NinninedoOfficial”

Programs the wedding themself out of spite.

Reaction Wheel - Mischief/Let’s Go/Sleepy/Cold Chill/Scare/Stretch/Sniff Sniff/Sneezing

Wordy Berd(l)y

Time Traveler Anti “I-IT’S CHEATING!!”

Achievement Enthusiast (according to his passport)

Doesn’t realize unlimited tasks are unlimited

Buys turnips up the wazoo but gets horrible selling price luck (always needs to use Noelle’s shop)

Keeps track of exact tool durability and customizes his tools different colors to refresh it

Can’t figure out why he doesn’t have every reaction

“Intellectual villagers ONLY” (that’s why)

Crushes on AND kins Raymond, very seriously considers getting a yellow or blue eye-contact to match his heterochromia

Hangs up all his villagers’ photos like trophies, including dupes

Regularly rants about his villagers to Kris (“Why is it that Raymond can spontaneously profess his love for me but YOU CAN’T?!”)

Cannot for the life of him make a pretty island, to his dismay

#1 Pocket Camp Hater

Blathers kinny

“Kris don’t let me fall asleep it is absolutely vital that I wish for star fragments tonight.”

Reaction Wheel - Pride/Aggravation/Thought/Smirking/Behold/Amazed/Mistaken/Heartbreak

Catti (Wow)

Queen of Nookazon

Hacked star trees

INVENTS fashion

Infamous haunted island dreamcode

Always has a matching umbrella

Favorite NPC is Brewster

“Wand-outfit slots… increase them.”

Reaction Wheel - Haunt/Take a Picture/Yoga/Resignation/Disagreement/Agreement/Intense/Work It

The bunny outside is frightful, Noelle

Cannot stop playing Happy Home Designer DLC

Permanently sets island to Winter

Terrified of Zipper the bunny

Completely normal about the New Leaf soundtrack being BETTER

Furnished extra houses for her family

Extremely attached to her villagers and convinced Catti and Ralsei to help her write fan-fiction for them

Takes animal crossing personality quizzes religiously

Highest HHA score out of her friends but doesn’t tell Berdly

Somebody get this girl more co-op features she is desperate.

Reaction Wheel - Eager/Pleased/Sighing/Sheepishness/Curiosity/Distress/Act Natural

Introducing… Ralsei!

Prince of Amiibo Cards (scans one every day because they are all his friends)

Really wants to show his friends every part of his island

Treats villagers like royalty

Can’t say no to villager requests

Posts ethereal flower patch combos

90% of his island consists of flower fields

Never had to look up a single fake painting tutorial

Jumped in joy at the food update

Mails letters to all his residents every day.

Reaction Wheel - Greetings/Wave Goodbye/Confetti/Glee/Delight/Worry/Apologetic/Here You Go

If anyone’s allowed to crash directly into the studio it’s Susie.

Borrows everyone else’s Switch to play

Runs everywhere holding an axe

Extremely emotional about fishing results

Goes out of her way to ask Blathers about fossils and responds with “woooah” every single time without fail

Claims the dinosaur exhibit is her favorite but finds all of the museum extremely relaxing

Dives off balconies into the water over and over

Sells everything through the drop-off box

Loves goofing around in Harv’s island

“The hell you mean you don’t grow rocks in your rock garden?”

Ralsei lets her terraform whatever she wants and builds off of it

Genuinely upset that she can’t terraform higher than 4 levels

“MOSS UPDATE??!”

Reaction Wheel - Flex/Encouraging/Curiosity/Laughter/Day Dreaming/Excited/Bashfulness/Shocked

And if anyone wants to visit MY island my Dream Address is DA-8935-5288-7510 ùvú

Also to contextualize this seemingly random Animal Crossing section, I’m sure some of you won’t be surprised to hear that before I was crisping chicken I was… a Marshmond maniac. *insert ominous thunder flash* Marshmond stands for Marshal and Raymond btw. Krerdly is definitely more Bob x Raymond lean, though…

Speaking of related characters!! I’ve been keeping track of kin-lists for my fav trio on the side. Here’s what I got so far!!

Kris Kins: Karkat (Homestuck) - Flick (Animal Crossing) - Link (The Legends of Zelda) - Beast Boy (Teen Titans) - Gnabbit (Mario Bros.) - Mae Borowski (Night In The Woods) - Bax Twiford (Ikenfell) - Metal Sonic (Sonic The Hedgehog) - Gramble Gigglefunny (Bugsnax) - Prince of Ouji (Katamari) - Creeper (Minecraft) - Courtney (Paranormal Park) - The Devil (Cuphead) - Magalor (Kirby)

Berdly Kins: Tobey McCallister (Word Girl) - Falco Lombardi (Starfox) - Revali (The Legends Of Zelda) - Waluigi (Mario Bros.) - Blathers (Animal Crossing) - Ibn Oxley (Ikenfell) - Lace (Hollow Knight: Silksong) - Jet The Hawk (Sonic Riders) - Snorpy Fizzlebean (Bugsnax) - Amity Blight (The Owl House) - Miles Edgeworth (Pheonix Wright: Ace Attorney) - Ren (Oxenfree) - King Dice (Cuphead) - Sheldon (Splatoon)

Catti Kins: Raven (Teen Titans) - Bea (Night In The Woods) - Blaze The Cat (Sonic) - Beffica Winklesnoot (Bugsnax) - Katrina (Animal Crossing) - M’ggie (Broken Age) - Magic Witch Ashley (WarioWare)

“You better be afraid of the great CA-A-TTI!”

~~ OK ANYWAYS ~~

~~ LIGHTNING ROUND ~~

~~ DIRECTLY FROM MY NOTES APP ~~

~~ LET’S GO!! ~~

Kris and Susie going as Flick and CJ for Halloween.

Berdly asks Catti if they can go as Blathers and Celeste to follow suit and there is 1 (one) universe where ghoul says yes.

Kris and Susie love Bugsnax fr fr.

Kris and Berdly go bonkers over Bug Fables. Cosplay Group: Catti Lief, Berdly Kabbu, Kris Vi, Jockington Chompy.

Krerdly is so bogus binted x papers printed core <3

Berdly is Yikking out! (Leans in to kiss Kris at QC’s Diner without warning, they demand he never try to do so ever again.)

Kris pestering Berdly with “if. you. were. gay, da na-na na-na na-na. that’da. be. o-k. da na-na na-na na-na” all of pride month.

Catti and Noelle as the “should I kill off the characters in my book to make it more interesting?” audio.

Ralsei: Slay!! Noelle, internally: Sleigh??

Noelle, sweating and holding up a paw: Sorry I’m late, I was the man behind the slaughter! Susie, blowing steam out of her nose: I’m stuff…. wait what?

(To the tune of Fairly Odd Parents Theme Song) The trash and mash in that school stash Just gave out instantly When the magic little goat hidin’ his every dote Gave a prophecy!

“BANG, BANG, BANG STRAIGHT THROUGH MY HEEAAARRT” -Kris every moment of every day after creating 77 original animation memes

“Pray tell, companion of mine, what is this… “jiggle jiggle skin” you are referring to?” -Player 1

“Glizzyyy” -Player 2 110%

Berdly HATES jellybeans because they’re awful and manipulative

For that last one I originally wrote down that Berdly really liked jellybeans because they just seemed to fit his palette in my mind until I ate one that made me wanna puke and decided it wasn’t meant to be.

Also also idk where to put this but there’s this one scene in Broken Age after Vella escapes the sacrifice ceremony where she’s standing on the back of a giant blue bird flying through the sky in her ripped dress and a knife in her mouth and I’ve never wanted Kris to take the place of another character so badly before… (Berdly makes a fun Shay replacement also but the big blue bird is clearly the hanging fruit here)

Ok! Cool! Good post! Awesome job! Thanks for sticking around. Play Ikenfell, Chicory, and A Short Hike. Don’t forget to totally look at my island lol I definitely didn’t speedrun finishing it just for this post lol. Appreciate cha if you do (DA-8935-5288-7510). Amazingness. Goodnight gamers.

Posted July 27th, 2023. Sparkle Sparkle.

[waterspoutskies]

I could write a novel on this one. But I will settle for a few examples, starting with the fact that I experienced both ends of this in a twenty minute timespan today during my physical geology course's supplemental instruction timeslot.

Actually it was probably ten minutes. I think I broke my SI tutor's brain when I explained that I learned most of the igneous rock samples when I was four. And then I correctly answered another question but was unable to identify what the question was when asked to clarify my answer... After having it repeated to me I still have no idea what the question was. Couldn't tell you why my answer was the right one. Couldn't tell you how I got the answer without being able to recall the question, but I know dead certain that I knew the answer.

~ Bonus round: My favorite instance of my failed memory ~

In an absolutely furious display of how ridiculous I truly am, so there's a Geography Bee in the same way the Spelling Bee works, and I qualified for it all three years in middle school, I won in 7th grade, and I did not remember the final question that won me the whole thing.

I just need to stress here. They're down to me and this eighth grader. I am TERRIFIED of public speaking at this point in time, and I have been on the cafetorium stage in this school event for about three hours now. We've gone through everything, it's quick-fire time where we both answer the same question in rounds until one of us gets an answer wrong.

First question was something to do with the Rockies or something along those lines, we both got that right.

Second question, mind that I'm paraphrasing because it's been a LONG time, was something to the effect of "name the Pacific volcanic island chain stretching west of Alaska" and This. This is where I have it. See, I know the answer to this question, and I also know what ISN'T the answer. The answer is not the Hawaiian islands. I don't know if the other guy knows this, but I do. And I, in my tiny little nerd geek world of only watching Discovery and PBS and History channel content while growing up, know very well that this is the Aleutian Islands in the Bering Sea, leading to the Bering Strait. Yes, this is my full admission that one of my cornerstone TV shows in childhood was Deadliest Catch.

But as mentioned, this is hour three if not four of stage and people heavy activity and I am small and tired and undiagnosed with a handful of things, and also I ran a workout that morning. I am out of gas. And the only thing I can remember is that the island chain is in the Bering Sea. So that is what I write, scribbling it down at the last second. [Extremely loud incorrect buzzer]

At least the other kid wrote Hawaii.

Here's where my full swing memory kicks in.

I won on the next question. I do not remember what it was, my answer, the other guy's answer, nothing. It is GONE from my memory, so gone that after I am congratulated and cheered and photo taken and freed, it's been maybe ten to fifteen minutes, my mom has been called to inform her (this kills me in retrospect), I wander lackadaisically into the band hall to stow my instrument with my heart still pounding and everything vibrating, and when the band directors ask me how I won, what I won on, I don't have an answer.

NO ONE who I'm friends with or a teacher I have was in the cafeteria in the final few minutes. No one knows. I don't know. I'm too shy to ask the school officials about it. And given the elapsed time since, I will probably never know.

I suppose the upside is I'll never forget the Aleutians.

movies where someone hears an important message only once and retains all the details….

girl if that were me, we’d be fucked. I have to reread emails like 4 times.

[traveleralexis-blog-blog]

For English Friends:

This is how I ended my student life

After five years, I took a step outside of my comfort zone again and went to the United Kingdom for almost four months. This step was definitely more challenging for me than when I decided to go to Romania. After all, my whole life had completely changed, and I already had some commitments. If I had stayed in Bratislava, I would have had a peaceful last year. I could continue working full-time, go to school once a week for an hour and a half, and work on my thesis. Well, just a relaxed life :D So why not make it more complicated?

When I was deciding which study program I will choose at the engineering level, I chose one that would allow me to earn a double degree. Since I knew from my friend what it entailed and what a great opportunity it was, I decided to study international finance.

WHY DID I CHOOSE THAT? AND WHAT ABOUT THE SCHOOL?

The main reason I went to the UK was the school, so let me start with that. Studying here is a completely different experience compared to Slovakia. In my opinion, it's not about how the school looks or how modern their facilities are, but about the teachers and the quality of education itself. If we keep blaming insufficient funding in Slovakia for the lack of quality, it's not just about that, at least not only about that. If the existing accreditations were changed in terms of approach, not just content, students would remember more, and we would be more competitive internationally. It's all about small things like publishing presentations, where the entire lecture is recorded and made available to students on the university platform, along with all the study materials and books. No searching for textbooks, buying them, and forced attendance in uninteresting lectures, mostly when some teachers fight agaings students who didn't attend. Another significant difference is the way workshops are conducted. The basics from the lecture are explained, supplemented with questions, and then followed by case studies, examples, etc. These examples are also part of the exams, with no separation between workshops and lectures. For example, we learned about risk by finding the annual report of a company and identifying the relevant risks and categorizing them. I think I learned much more from those classes than throughout my entire studies in Slovakia, which is very sad. However, I don't believe that the teachers in the UK are more knowledgeable or that the students in the UK are better. In fact, I believe the opposite is true. But students from the UK are much more prepared for the professional world. Employers constantly complain that graduates who come to them don't know the basics. In my field of finance and banking, that means having a basic understanding of financial statements or risks. These are the things we theoretically learn and probably in greater depth, but the result is that we don't remember anything because we just cram for exams, and in practice, we don't know anything. Just for comparison, students in the UK are not necessarily hardworking. I didn't understand why Nottingham was so eager to have students from my Slovak university (EUBA), but when we experienced it, I understood. It's for a simple reason: we are active in class and attend regularly. Many times, our results are better than those of the "domestic" students. This is just a brief overview of what I think about studying, but I could elaborate much more. I believe that things will change a bit and that a new era has begun with the new accreditation here as well. I have been involved in many processes as a student representative, and I know how challenging it is to change something in a system where many people don't want to change anything. However, it must somehow happen slowly, and I believe that we won't have to constantly chase after someone even though this idea is currently very naive.

ENGLAND IS NOT A COUNTRY FOR ME

I have mentioned many times on my Instagram that England is definitely not a country for me. It is mainly their culture that, in my opinion, is quite absent. They are bothered by their disorder, and they do absolutely nothing for the environment. I think my friends from various organizations that focus on climate change would definitely not be satisfied with how things are in Britain, and I believe that with the new king, they will pay more attention to this issue. However, it's not just about that; there are very low-quality food products here, especially an excessive amount of processed foods. It's true that I missed our Slovak cuisine a lot, but overall, the food here is a complete disaster. In school, we basically had the same thing every week, and it was quite unhealthy stuff like fish and chips or burgers and the like. So if we say that the food in Slovak schools is poor, it's even worse here. We definitely can't consider Britain as an example. Another thing is that the United Kingdom left the EU, and for me, it would be financially demanding to stay here due to work visas. Unfortunately, in the UK, I didn't find any Brits with whom I could openly discuss Brexit and how they perceived it. For me, it is truly incomprehensible that they left. Even now, you can still see some constructions funded by the EU, and it doesn't seem like the Brits achieved what they wanted with Brexit. It's interesting to observe, as I am a European, and I realize all the advantages that the EU brings. It's a big adjustment to travel with a passport and not just an ID card, and it's also important to realize that you can't simply stay in Britain anymore because you would need visas (if you travel for more than 6 months). We need to be even more aware that Slovakia must stay in the EU if it wants to prosper and maintain a good reputation, etc. I can't imagine us leaving the institutions we so eagerly wanted to be part of. I don't understand how people can believe in hoaxes and support Russia when it is our biggest threat if they win the war against Ukraine. We are closest to them, which also means we are the next target after Ukraine. I don't understand it, and I'm afraid. I don't want to leave, but if the elections turn out badly, Slovakia probably won't be a country for me anymore.

ROMANIA 2.0

Now something personal. My boyfriend hates it when I constantly talk about Romania and how it changed my life. So now let's switch it to before England and after England :D Just kidding, in my opinion, it didn't change me that much, but rather made me realize a lot of things, and sometimes I came up with more questions than answers, but that's also a journey. I already had an idea of my future, but I realized that what I really want is something different. At the very least, I realized that I need to return to my hobbies, especially dancing. For me, going to a party doesn't mean getting drunk, but mainly dancing, as I am still a dancer at heart. I missed that a lot in Bratislava, and I definitely want to start dancing again, just for recreation and for myself. I missed Bratislava as a city a lot because I was only commuting there a few times a week, and my desire to move directly to Bratislava increased significantly. I realized that it's difficult for me to let new people into my life. I've learned from many friendships and I've learned to invest time in people who want to be friends with me. Also, as I have grown up a bit and I am in a different stage of life, I can't honestly have conversations with people who constantly talk about who did what with whom. At first, I was sad about it because I couldn't find new friends since my classmates in the course didn't really talk to us, and most of them were from India or Africa. We only met one British person at school, and he didn't really talk to us either. It was very challenging since I wasn't hitting on any boys at parties. Similarly, I didn't find people to spend more time with in the accommodation, but unfortunately, that changed only in the last week when we got to know the French group. We were sorry we hadn't met them earlier, but we had great parties together and also one trip. I believe we will stay in touch with them because we shared these feelings of new friendships. It's strange in any case because we talked about various topics in Romania, many of them challenging, and we were much younger than the people I met here. Maybe I'm changing and I can't listen to childish talk anymore, or maybe I'm just old :D

AND FINALLY...

On the other hand, this whole experience has given me a lot, and I'm grateful for it. I think these periods when I decide to step out of my comfort zone always enrich me and give me new motivation in life. It was great to say goodbye to one big part of my life this way, to experience the best parties, and enjoy the true student life. We managed to go on a lot of trips, and if I didn't have my great classmate and now also a great friend Simona with me, I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it. Although I didn't make many new friendships, I definitely found one. And my illness after a week in the UK was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me. I was locked up in a small room for over two weeks, and basically, all I did was think and constantly felt like crying. It was really terrible, and no one could help me. The worst realization was that although we have a university doctor, you can only report to them online, and they will call you in for an appoinment when you're practically dying, and at most they'll send you to the pharmacy. Of course, they didn't advise me on anything there, and you won't find any calcium syrup anywhere in the UK, so I was without a voice for quite a while too. Don't worry, even Slovak healthcare is not as terrible as it seems :D The beginning was really challenging for me, especially because I had never been far from my family and especially my boyfrined for such a long time. My mental state wasn't always the best. Despite that, it strengthened me in some ways, and I also see that my relationship with my boyfriend has definitely grown stronger. Before I left, many people didn't understand this decision, but I hardly had any doubts about it. Having an MSc degree is not as important as what I have experienced and realized during these weeks. I can't predict completely what will happen in my life now and whether I will truly achieve what I planned in the UK, but I believe I'm on the right path and that I have great people around me, for whom I'm even more grateful after being away. Many people thought of me and reached out, and I truly appreciate it.

If you've made it this far, I'm grateful to you for following me and being interested in my evaluation. If you would like to have a similar experience and have any questions, feel free to reach out to me, and I will answer everything. For now, this is me, and maybe next time it will be about something else ;)

Saška (Alexandra)

[cbk1000]

And part three. (Final part; sorry this is so long: it has been a fucking long four months.)

No problem, Doctor Dipshit, I guess I'll just do your job and continue treating myself.

After my period ends, my heart rate drops again. It's still not as low as it should be, but it's much better. I continue to gradually improve. It's not a linear process; some days are better than others, but I never feel as bad as I did at the beginning of all this. My main issue is really my heart rate at this point; I'm no longer dizzy, I don't have the extreme weakness I had, my nausea is gone, I'm sleeping much better, and I'm a lot less tired than I was even before all this started. But the high heart rate keeps me still mostly bedbound, and I'm gnashing my teeth, because at this point I feel well enough to be mad about it, instead of just lying in bed trying to stave off death.

I finally start turning a corner, almost three months into taking supplements. My heart rate is consistently lower; even my last period wasn't as rough. (I felt a little worse than I had been, but my heart rate didn't spike, and I mostly just felt more run down than I normally would during my period.)

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been able to sit and stand and walk around for much longer, and I was finally, after months, able to start writing again. My heart rate is still a bit higher than it should be, and I have chest pain and tightness that radiates into my throat (it almost feels like an asthma attack) if I exert myself too much, but I can sit up for a good couple, few hours at a time, then lie down for a few minutes till those symptoms improve, and then get back up again. It is more exhausting to do things because of this, but I still, honestly, feel less tired than when I was a fully functioning, 'normal' person, and I've noticed that the horrible, frequent anxiety attacks I was having multiple times a week, out of nowhere, with no trigger, haven't happened since I started supplementing. I have been stressed, of course, but not baselessly anxious. Apparently iron deficiency can cause or worsen anxiety, so the anxiety I was having for the last couple of years that I attributed to all the changes at work, and how generally stressful the world has been, was also likely related to this.

Today, three and a half months after starting iron supplements, I'm writing this sitting up at my computer. I have some chest pain, but right now it's more of an annoyance than anything, and I can push through for a while before I'll need to lie down for a bit. The last week I have been able to write 27,000 words, animatedly play a video game I'm into at the moment (I shout a lot when I play), take Seamus outside multiple times a day while Mr. Jenn is at work (albeit for very short walks around the backyard, but still), edit, and concentrate on my reading. I can now sit out and eat dinner at our countertop and visit with Mr. Jenn. I spend more time up now than I do in bed. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with a non-lunatic, and will hopefully be able to get medical clearance to finally return to work (Mr. Jenn and I have rigged up my desk so that I can recline and still see my monitors and work if I need more than my allotted breaks to rest) and an order for an iron infusion to get me the rest of the way more quickly. It has been the longest four months of my life. I have felt trapped in my own body. There were points during that constant back and forth of regressing a bit, improving a bit, regressing a bit, that I was afraid I would be stuck like that forever. I've had enough of consistently being on my feet day after day over the last few weeks that, while I'm not yet at 100% and know it will still probably be a while before I am, I know I will be, eventually. I actually feel confident in that now.

What I mean to say with these three very long-winded posts is, please do not ignore what your body is telling you. I wrote off the extreme fatigue, and anxiety, and burning and tingling I was feeling in my legs and feet as poor sleep, the world going to shit, muscle strain, etc. etc. That was my body trying to tell me something was really wrong. I did not know these were symptoms of iron deficiency; and not everyone gets them, and not everyone gets such severe symptoms that their entire body shuts down and confines them to bed for months: but there was something wrong with me, probably for years, and I ignored that, and wrote it off, because the symptoms were non-specific, and I'd lived with them for so long that I normalized them. If you are having any of these symptoms, especially fatigue, especially if you're menstruating, and especially especially if most of your iron sources aren't from meat, please get an iron panel done. Not your CBC; that will only tell you if your hemoglobin is ok, and I can tell you, as exhibit A, that just because your hemoglobin is normal, does not mean you don't have iron deficiency. B12 deficiency will cause some of these same symptoms as well, so if you're vegetarian, definitely get that checked as well.

The only reason I was able to put two and two together was because I had had similar cardiac issues after a blood donation, when it was easy to go, "Wait, I think you bled too much; let's put some iron back in you." I don't want to think about how long I might have been stuck like this getting booted from specialist to specialist with no one thinking to check my iron levels because my hemoglobin was normal. If you do not have enough of this one single mineral in your body, it can literally be debilitating. I work a desk job from home; I have been out of work for four months now because I haven't even been able to sit up at a desk. I actually ran out of legally-protected medical leave a month ago and am just lucky that my employer wants to keep me enough that they were willing to put me on personal leave until I was ready to come back.

Anyway, that is my extremely long update. I sincerely appreciate everyone who has checked in on me and asked how I'm doing.

[forever-rogue]

Obvious

Summary | It’s so obvious, isn’t it? Maybe not to Bucky. But you’re going to make his first Father’s Day something to remember.

Pairing | Bucky x Pregnant!Reader

Word Count | 2.8k

Warnings | slight language, pregnant!reader, references to sex

Masterlists | Bucky, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

At first you were positive you’d eaten something off and were suffering from a mild case of food poisoning. With your luck, it wouldn’t have been the first time. But then it lasted for more than a few days...and then some more after that. After a couple of weeks of denying that it could be anything but a mild stomach bug, you came to the earth stopping conclusion that it was something different entirely. 

The signs were all there, and it wasn’t that you had been ignoring them but...you had been ignoring them. The idea that it could have possibly been anything but a stomach bug was terrifying. But there was only so much hiding you could do from Bucky before he came extremely concerned at the sight of you repeatedly hunched over the toilet. He insisted you go to the doctor and knowing him, if you didn’t comply, he’d throw you over his shoulder and take you himself. 

After a little white lie of saying you’d go right away, you’d sneaked off to the corner drug store in search of those dreaded pregnancy tests. Bucky was off doing whatever the hell it was he and Sam did half the time, so you had a few hours to yourself. You felt like a criminal as you bundled up in a hoodie of Bucky’s and looked around furtively as you grabbed one of each of the tests and took them to the counter to pay before practically running home. 

You felt so silly, so dumb as you had the six tests on the counter, while your phone slowly ticked down the time. All the signs were there - how could you have ignored them? The missed period - wait, was it two? You’d been so bad about tracking them, you honestly didn’t even know. The morning sickness, apparently not food poisoning, the extra sensitive breasts, the fatigue. It all seemed so obvious now. 

You sighed as your timer went off and looked at the various tests. 

They only confirmed what you had already accepted. Pregnant. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You felt like you were floating on air as you walked out of the doctor’s office with some of the grainiest photos you had ever seen. But the only thing that mattered was the small little bean that you could clearly make out in the middle of them. Your little bean - yours and Bucky’s. Your baby.

It’d been a week since you’d taken the tests and made your little discovery. After that it had become a little game of hiding it all from Bucky - you wanted to tell him and soon, but you wanted to surprise him at the perfect time. You knew he’d be over the moon about it all. You’d talked about children, and it had been decided, especially since you’d been together for a few years now, that if it happened it happened when it would happen. But you just knew he wanted this - and honestly, so did you. Despite the extreme nerves it had set upon you.

So, you decided to play a little game with Bucky to see if and when he finally realized you were pregnant. Hopefully it’d be before you were showing - he wasn’t that blind after all. But you were going to have fun with this.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey Buck,” you were sprawled on the couch, resting your head in his lap as the two of you watched a movie on Netflix. It had been a long day and there was nothing you wanted more than a quiet evening in - this was nothing short of pure bliss. He made a small sound of acknowledgment as he gently played with your hair, silently telling you to go on, “what do you think you’d want to name our baby? Boy or girl?”

Sure, it was anything but subtle, but the way you had been resting your hand on your belly wasn’t either. And he hadn’t caught onto that either. 

“Hmm, I’ve never really thought that much about it,” he mused as he looked down at you and offered you a soft smile. You grinned back at him as you grabbed his hand and pressed a gentle kiss to his knuckles, “I like...and don’t laugh at me - the idea of naming a son Steve. Maybe a daughter Rebecca or Sarah.”

“Bucky,” you could see that despite his seemingly disinterested attitude, he had actually given this a lot of thought. You knew they were so much more than just names,”those are lovely names. I think any one of those would be a lovely name for our baby.”

“Yeah?” he asked, almost timidly as you reached up and touched his cheek, running your fingers over his stubble as you nodded. He practically keened into your warm, gentle touch as his eyes closed, “I love you.”

“I love you too, bub,” you whispered as he pressed a kiss to the palm of your hand, “let’s get to bed, huh? It’s getting late and I’ve just been so incredibly tired lately.”

“Come on,” he slowly ushered you up and off his lap before standing and stretching. You couldn’t help but admire him as a rush of love overwhelmed you. You really loved him more than anything - well him and your small bean now. Bucky effortlessly leaned over and scooped you up in his arms, cradling you to his chest as he walked towards the bedroom, “you’re so beautiful.”

“You’re not bad yourself, Sarge,” you grinned as you rested your head against his shoulder, “but I almost feel like I’ve just got this...glow lately ya know?”

“You always do,” he promised with a kiss to the top of your head as you almost burst out laughing. So many not-so-subtle-hints and he still didn’t catch on. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Bub? You in the kitchen?” you called from the bedroom, knowing damn well he was there, finishing up a big weekend breakfast for the two of you. You tip-toed out of the bedroom, pulling on your - his - shirt to indulge in a lazy Sunday. 

“I’m in here, sweetheart,” he looked up and smiled softly as soon as you came into view. He still looked at you as though you had personally hung the stars and moon, like he was still in the process of falling in love with you every single day, “hi.”

“Hi,” you walked over to him and motioned behind, “can you do me a huge favor and get me a glass of water and my vitamins? I left them on the counter.”

“So demanding,” you both were aware of the fact that he’d never say no to you. You took a seat at the bar, hopping onto your stool as you swung your legs back and forth and waited for him to either realize what was going on, or make some sort of joke. But instead he hummed some tune under his breath as he set a glass of water in front of you and grabbed your vitamins. 

The man, this silly, lovely man, picked up the bottle of prenatal vitamins, opened them, and handed two of them to you before following up with your other supplements. Your mouth hung open as you looked at him in awe - you’d literally put it all in front of his nose and he still didn’t catch on. 

Goodness Gracious.

“There you are, pretty girl,” he leaned over and kissed you gently before turning back to the stove. You watched him with a dumbfounded expression but slowly  grabbed your water and vitamins and downed them, “anything you want do today?”

Alright. You were willing to push a little further and see if he finally caught on.

“There’s a new store that opened up downtown,” you said noncommittally, “they umm...have a lot of baby and kid stuff and I wanted to go ahead and check it out.”

“Sure thing,” nope. Apparently you were going to have to hit over the head with a two by four, “sounds good. We’ll go after breakfast?”

“Yeah,” you agreed, shaking your head in amusement, “sounds good to me too, bub.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It had been almost a month of dropping hint after hint, and they had been becoming increasingly less subtle. You were pretty sure that you could have just straight up told him you were pregnant at this point and he still wouldn’t have gotten it. 

But you had one last little idea - Father’s Day had come around and you were going to make sure his first father’s day was special. Maybe it was silly to celebrate when the baby wasn’t even born yet, but you didn’t care - you just wanted to finally tell him. 

The evening before Father’s Day, you’d let Bucky go to bed first, telling him you were just going to be a little longer, needing to finish up some work. He believed it hook, line, and sinker, and told you to join him soon. Once he was snoring soundly, asleep on his back with the gold and black vibranium arm splayed over your side of bed, you pulled out all the supplies you’d gotten. 

You made quick - and quiet - work of blowing up multicolored balloons and throwing some confetti around. You’d regret it later but the surprise would be worth it. Once you were satisfied, you grabbed the newest sonograms you’d gotten at the doctor the day before and tucked them into the envelope along with the card you’d picked out. After writing on the card, you sealed the envelope and on the front side simply wrote Happy Father’s Day. 

On the back, knowing how Bucky was, you scrolled one more little note. You left it all on the counter, along with the box of cupcakes you’d snagged from his favorite bakery, ready for him to discover in the morning. He’d be up before, and he’d have the little surprise to wake up to. 

Hopefully this time the message was loud and clear.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Bucky stifled a yawn as he slowly crawled out of the bed, stretching his stiff limbs. You were still all bundled up and lightly snoring with a little smile on your face. He reached down and gently brushed a lock of hair out of your face before pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

Slowly making his way down the hall, a confused expression crossed his features as he noticed the glittering confetti on the floor. How strange.

But as he walked into the living room and saw the ballrooms all over the place he was visibly confused. What on earth was going on? He picked one that was close to his foot up and played with it for a moment before lightly smacking it across the room. He perked up when he saw the colorful box on the counter, a clear giveaway that it was from his favorite place.

Shuffling across the room, he was ready to throw open the box and indulge in an early morning sweet treat when he was stopped by the card on top. He picked it up and instantly recognized your handwriting. Happy Father’s Day!

It must have been for your father...maybe this all was for him and your parents were coming over and he’d somehow managed to forget about it all. He would definitely hear about that later on from you. Shit. 

No...he surely would have remembered that. He was old but his memory was still sharp. He felt the envelope beneath his fingers, noting that it was slightly thicker than a normal card. Curious. He flipped it over and his heart almost stopped when he saw what you had written on the flap.

Yes. This is really for you, James.

James. That’s how you knew you were being serious. 

His heart felt like it was almost bursting out of his chest as he slowly slid a vibranium finger underneath the seal, careful to prevent any rips or tears. After what seemed like a millennia, he opened the thing and pulled out the card, along with the sheet of photos. 

Bucky’s mouth fell open and formed a small o as he looked as he read over your sweet message in the card. Once he studied the grainy photos and realized that holy shit, this was your baby - his baby. You were having a baby! He inhaled - a shaky broken little thing as he fought back a few tears. After all this time, he was getting something he thought would only be a dream. 

“Surprise,” you whispered so you wouldn’t completely scare him. You’d woken up a few moments after him, already missing his body and warmth as soon as he had left. You had tip-toed after him and watched him finally realize what you had been dropping hints about for almost a month. His reaction had been everything, priceless. 

“Sweetheart…” he looked between you and grainy photos in his hand, his blue eyes gentle and glossy as you walked over to him, “we’re having a baby?”

“Yeah, bub, we are,” you promised, feeling tears well up in your own eyes as you carded a hand through his soft hair, “I’ve been trying to tell you for like a month. But you, sir, do not pick up on anything. Baby names? Prenatals...the baby store? The continued morning sickness. For a moment I thought I’d have to have the baby before you realized what was going on. I wasn’t being subtle anymore.”

“Oh...oh,” he said as a dark pink blush crept into his cheeks, “okay now it all seems so clear. I guess I...man, I’m blind.”

“Yeah, old man,” you teased softly, “turns out that food poisoning was never food poisoning at all. It was morning sickness.”

“Shit,” he was incredulous, “a baby. I can’t believe it...how far along are you?”

“Almost twelve weeks at this point,” you laughed, “I was wondering if you’d realize before I started to show.”

His hands found your hips as he played with the hem of your sweater before slowly pushing it up. A warm, gentle touch found your belly as he leaned in and brushed his lips over yours, offering you the sweetest kiss, “thank you.”

“For what?” you eagerly accepted his kiss and offered him a few more. He couldn’t stop himself from pulling you into his body and holding you close to him. Soon it would be a very different type of closeness. 

“For you,” he whispered, “for this...us - our family. I...it’s just that I never thought I would be good enough for all of this.”

“Of course you are, Bucky,” you promised softly, reaching up and touching his cheek, “you are a good man. You are. I love you so much, more than anything in this world. You are worthy of this, you have always been worthy. I will gladly spend every day of my life showing you that if I have to.”

“I love you,” he pressed his forehead against yours, “I still can’t believe this is real.”

“I love you too,” you beamed, “now, how about you eat a cupcake and I’ll start breakfast. Then we can start telling everyone that you knocked me up!”

“It sounds so dirty when you put it like that - I like it. I’m sure we had fun doing it too,” he snorted as he opened the box of cupcakes, grinning when he saw that they too proclaimed Happy Father’s Day. 

“What makes you think that, old man?” you bumped his hips with yours as you opened the fridge to get the ingredients for some omelets.

“Because we always have fun.”

“Cheeky!”

“Well, it’s not like it’s a lie,” He grabbed one and took a bite before offering you a taste, but you shook your head, “no?”

“It’s not me,” you insisted, pointing at the tiny swell that was slowly becoming evident, “the bean doesn’t seem to like sweets very much. At least not right now.”

“More for me,” he grinned as he pumped his fist in victory, causing you to dramatically roll your eyes before laughing, “hopefully the bean will be nice soon and let you partake. Oh…”

“Oh?”

“We have so much to do,” reality suddenly hit as his eyes widened and you laughed, “we’ll have to set up the spare room as the nursery. Your doctor’s visits - I want to come of course, and then all the stuff we’ll need when the they come-”

“James,” you put a finger to his lips as you quietly shushed him, “relax, bub. Breathe - we have plenty of time. There’s no reason to panic...today we’ll be lazy and relax, tomorrow we can figure everything out. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he visibly calmed down as you grounded him - just like you always did, “we’ll figure it out. We can do this.”

“Yeah, we can,” you agreed softly as he took your hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze before kissing it. Gods, you really loved him more than anything, “Happy Father’s Day, Bucky.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

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[fridayfirefly]

Seeing Ghosts

Read Seeing Ghosts on AO3

Masterlist

For Maribat March Day 12 - Second Chance

For as long as she could remember, Marinette could see ghosts. It wasn't always the ghosts of strangers, though. Her ghost encounters started small. When Marinette was four years old, her parents told her that the family cat, Tikki, had left to live in the countryside. Marinette didn't understand, because Tikki still lived with them. Tikki still meowed for pets, still purred when Marinette pet her, still played with her favorite toy, the laser pointer that Marinette got for her last birthday. It wasn't until two weeks later, that Tom and Sabine sat Marinette down and explained to her that Tikki had died, that she needed to stop pretending that she was still there. Marinette was confused until she saw the way Tikki's paws batted right through her toys, the way she never ate the scraps that Marinette dropped on the floor. Marinette knew two things for sure: Tikki was dead and Marinette could still see her ghost.

For years and years, Tikki was the only ghost that Marinette saw. Then Marinette turned fourteen and Marinette could suddenly see.

They haunted the corners of her eyes, lurking in her periphery. They were just shadows, phantoms until Marinette focused her eyes, and then she could see them clear as day. Ghosts were real and Marinette could see them. Ghosts were real and they were everywhere, an inescapable reality for Marinette.

Quickly, the ghosts learned that Marinette could see them. They followed her around, lingering at the edge of her sight. She could hear them too, little whispers about the baker's daughter, the only person who could see them. However, none of the ghosts were bold enough to approach her. That was the status quo, until one day when Marinette came home from school one day to a ghost lurking in her room.

Marinette gasped as she saw the ghost sitting in the chair at her desk, staring at her with knowing blue eyes. He was her age, which made his brutal injuries all the more horrific to look at. His skull was caved in. His chest was mangled. His skin was shredded and burned. He had been beaten to death, tortured in his final moments.

"I've been told that you can see ghosts," the boy remarked, ignoring Marinette's shock entirely. He spoke in English instead of French, luckily Marinette's class had been learning both languages, so she was able to understand.

Marinette nodded, her throat suddenly unable to get a word out.

"You can hear ghosts, too. Can you bring them back to life?"

Marinette shook her head, clearing her throat as she began to speak in English, "I've never tried, but I don't think so."

"Could you try? For me?" pleaded the boy, the desperation in his expression breaking Marinette's heart.

"I don't even know you," said Marinette, trying to find a way to gently let the boy down. Seeing ghosts was one thing; bringing them back to life was another thing entirely.

"I'm Jason Todd." Jason stuck out his hand and Marinette tentatively shook it.

"Marinette Dupain-Cheng."

It wasn't until Marinette pulled her hand back that she realized that his hand - and now her's - was covered in blood. With a shriek of surprise, Marinette stumbled backward away from Jason. "What did you do?"

"What did I do? What did you do?"

"This has never happened before. Somehow my touch turned you corporeal enough for the blood on your hand to transfer to mine."

Jason glanced down at his hands. "Your fingers left prints in the blood. I've spent hours trying to wash the blood away for months, and you managed to do it by accident."

Marinette stared at her hands, the realization sinking in. Jason Todd was dead and his blood was on her hands. In the blink of an eye, Marinette was running to the bathroom to throw up. She thought she would be able to handle looking at the injuries of the dead, but Jason's wounds suddenly felt personal. Someone beat him to death, beat him until his bones broke and his skull caved him. Marinette heaved into the toilet, unable to cope with the violence of Jason's death.

When Marinette finally lifted her head, she saw Jason lingering at the door, looking guilty. "I'm sorry. I know that this is pretty graphic to look at." Jason gestured towards himself.

Marinette shook her head. "You don't have to apologize." After rinsing her mouth out until the taste of vomit was gone, Marinette turned to Jason. "Come here."

Jason approached her at the sink. With the water still running, Marinette took his hands and held them underneath the water. They both watched as the water turned red, then pink, then ran clear as all of the blood washed off Jason's hands. "Thank you," Jason whispered.

Marinette took a deep breath. "I can't make any promises, but I will do my best to bring you back."

--

Bringing the ghost of a human boy back to life seemed like an impossible task, so Marinette started small: with Tikki the ghost cat. It took two weeks of experimentation before Marinette realized that with enough meditation she could funnel some of her energy into Tikki's ghost. With Jason to help her take notes, Marinette began to figure out the ins-and-outs of resurrection.

The most difficult part was figuring out exactly how much energy Marinette could expend before it took a toll on her physical health. The very first time she gave Tikki energy, Marinette woke up the next morning with bruises littering her body. Tom and Sabine took Marinette to the doctor's where she was diagnosed with anemia and prescribed iron supplements. Jason was so concerned about Marinette's well-being that he refused to let her give any more energy away before she had returned to her full health.

A few weeks after the initial mishap Marinette got back on track. Every morning she would push just a little bit of energy into Tikki. Little by little, Tikki turned from specter to physical being. Then, one morning, as Marinette pushed energy into Tikki, she felt her energy hit a wall. At the same time, Marinette felt Tikki's fur under her hand for the first time in ten years.

"You brought her back!" Jason exclaimed.

Marinette let out a whoop of joy, scaring Tikki, who jumped out of Marinette's lap with a startled meow. Marinette grabbed Tikki back up, able to properly hug her beloved pet for the first time in ten years. "I've got to go show Tikki to my parents. I'm going to tell them that I found her outside."

"You'll need to give her a new name," said Jason. "Might I suggest Alfred."

Tom and Sabine were surprised, which was to be expected. After all, it wasn't every day that their daughter found a doppelgänger of their dead cat in the alley behind the bakery. However, they were quick to rationalize the event, shrugging it off as a strange coincidence. Alfred became a beloved new member of the family.

After her success with Alfred neé Tikki, Marinette turned her attention to Jason. Their very first attempt took place in Marinette's bedroom. Marinette and Jason sat down cross-legged on the floor. Marinette placed her hands on top of Jason's and concentrated. She felt the life force within herself and pressed it forward, through her hands and into his.

"I can feel it," whispered Jason, "I've never felt anything like it before. It's so warm."

The awe in Jason's voice made Marinette feel warm inside as well. "I'm going to start with just a little bit of energy. I don't know how transferring energy to a human will differ from transferring energy to a cat, and I don't want to burn myself out on the very first transfer."

"Do this at whatever pace you need. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Marinette smiled with his reassurance. She took a deep breath, and let the energy flow out of her. When she finally finished, cutting off the flow, she looked back up at Jason and gasped. Jason's broken finger, which had bothered him for weeks, had straightened out. The cut on his collarbone had closed shut. The bruise on his cheekbone had faded. His wounds were already starting to heal.

--

Quickly, Marinette and Jason fell into a routine. Every day after school they would sit down in the back corner of the bakery and Marinette (under the guise of doing her homework) would push more of her life energy into him. It was a slow process. Though Marinette often wished to give Jason just a little more energy every day, to speed up the process, she was constantly aware of the fact that Jason would fuss over her and stop the transfer of energy entirely if he saw any sign of pain or exhaustion on her.

In the months that Marinette had known Jason, he had grown protective over her. Marinette spent most of her time with Jason. He slept in her room on the little couch in the corner, followed her to school, and wore the clothes that she designed for her. Jason changing his clothes was an incredibly embarrassing affair, as the only way for him to be corporeal enough to touch the clothes was for Marinette to be touching him while he did it, leading to averted eyes and blushing on the part of both Marinette and Jason (but it was worth it for Marinette, to saw Jason's relieved smile when he realized that he never had to see the blood-stained clothes that he died in again).

In total, it took eight months from the day that Marinette met Jason to the day that Marinette brought Jason back to life. It started as an uneventful morning. Marinette woke up to her alarm, grumbling as she got ready about how it was inhumane to make teenagers wake up so early. She made herself a coffee while chatting to Jason. They walked to school together, Marinette dodging through the crowded sidewalk while Jason moved straight through people with ease. Marinette got to her desk at school and took a seat next to Alya. Luckily the seat behind Marinette was empty, so Jason sat there when he followed Marinette to school.

Marinette had asked Jason before if it bothered him that he was unable to participate with the rest of the class since they could neither see nor hear him. Jason claimed that he didn't mind. Despite that, if Jason ever whispered comments or questions about the lesson into Marinette's ear, she always made sure to ask the teacher, even if she already knew the answer.

Sitting in on lessons had the additional benefit of teaching Jason French. Marinette did her best to teach him the basics, but immersion was the best teacher - after eight months of hearing and speaking only French, Jason was fluent in the language. Marinette often praised him for his quick learning, which was how she learned that Jason was prone to blushing when he was complimented. Jason always grumbled when Marinette pointed it out, but Marinette found it adorable.

Once school was over on that fateful day, Marinette and Jason walked home together. Marinette set her backpack down at her usual table, sat down, and got to work. It had become an easy routine: put in her headphones and play some calming music, find a quiet place within her brain, and focus on the feeling of energy welling up inside of her. Then take Jason's hands, concentrate on that energy, and push it through her arms and into him. Controlling the direction of the energy was easy - it was controlling the rate that was the difficult part. It moved slowly at first, then all at once it flowed faster than Marinette can control, and it was a race to slow it down before it could all drain out of her.

That day, however, just as the energy started to speed up, the flow of energy abruptly cut off before Marinette even had the chance to react.

"Why did it stop?" asked Jason, looking confused.

The day had been so long coming that Marinette could hardly believe what had happened. "I have nothing left to give you. You're alive again, Jason."

Jason stared at her, wide-eyed. "Are you sure?"

"I'll go test it." Marinette jumped out of her seat and raced towards the front of the bakery, heading for Tom, who was behind the counter. "Papa, can I get a plate of macaroons for me and my friend?"

Tom glanced over at Jason. "Who is he? I don't think I've ever seen him here before."

"He's a foreign exchange student," Marinette lied easily. "His name is Jason."

"Here's a plate for you and Jason." Tom handed her a plate, piled high with macaroons and other sweets.

"I might take Jason and show him around Paris, once we finish our homework. Is that alright?"

"Sure, sweetheart. Just make sure you're home before dinner."

"Of course," chirped Marinette. She made her way back to her table with a bounce in her step. "My papa could see you. You're real."

In that moment, Jason looked lost. He glanced down at his hands, flesh and blood once more. "What do I do now?"

"You're alive again. You can do whatever you want."

Jason took a deep breath. "I've been gone from this world for so long. I want to go home."

Marinette tried not to let the fact that her heart was breaking show on her face. "I have enough birthday money saved up to buy you a plane ticket. You might have trouble getting on a plane without any identification, but I'm sure we can come up with a solution."

For a moment, Jason looked upset. Then, Marinette saw on his face as a realization dawned on him. "I didn't mean alone. Marinette, I want you to come with me."

--

There was no sugar-coating it: Marinette's parents were going to kill her. The plane was half-way across the Atlantic Ocean and Marinette's phone was turned off. There was no way to check, but she was certain that her parents were already sending her frantic texts. By the time the plane landed in Gotham, Tom and Sabine would surely have already called the police.

Marinette could only hope that her and Jason's fake IDs would hold up against the Gotham Airport security officers. While seventeen-year-old Jason could easily pass for nineteen, the age listed on the fake ID for Jasper Townsend, Marinette was worried that she looked young enough to cause suspicion. The age on Marie Davis's ID needed to be eighteen in order to get Marinette onto the plane, so whether she liked it or not she had to look eighteen. Resigned to her lies, Marinette put on a heavy face of makeup and wore three-inch heels on the international flight. It was a little funny, in an ironic way, that her heels had one inch for each year she needed to make up for.

Marinette was still confused about how Jason managed to get them fake IDs in the first place. Jason just shrugged and said that he knew a guy who owed him a favor. It was a side of Jason that Marinette hadn't ever seen before, a side of him that she was deeply curious about.

They had gotten on the plane just as the sun was setting. Marinette had sent her parents one last text message, telling them that she might be a little late. It was the understatement of the century. Marinette had never lied to her parents like that before. All of her past lies had been little things - lying about the number of macaroons she ate, or how late she stayed up the night before - but never a lie about her personal safety. The guilt was killing Marinette. It made her feel sick to her stomach.

Jason placed his hand (flesh and blood) on Marinette's shoulder. "I'm sorry that I'm making you do this."

"I'm not sorry. I would never make you do it alone."

Marinette could practically feel the nervous energy radiating off of Jason as their plane landed in Gotham. "I'm assuming you know where we're going next. Should we rent a car?" she asked once they cleared security (miraculously, no one looked too closely at Marinette's feeble attempt at a disguise. Marinette was glad to switch out her heels for flats and wash off the makeup in the airport bathroom).

Jason shook his head. "We don't need to rent one. He always keeps a car at the airport just in case someone's flying in."

Marinette wasn't sure who he was supposed to be, but Jason had been reticent to share any information about his past, and Marinette wasn't going to pressure him. Jason had been beaten to death, after all. There was a lot of trauma in his past and Marinette wasn't going to force him to share it with her until he was ready.

Jason led her through to the VIP parking lot to a luxury black sedan. He reached underneath the car, feeling at the underside until he pulled out a key. "Bruce keeps a key taped to the underside."

"That seems... irresponsible." Marinette was delicate with her words. Jason had been tense since the plane landed, like a loaded gun. She didn't want to bring up anything that might set him off.

"He also has a tracker planted in the car," Jason remarked offhandedly.

Marinette rolled her eyes at that remark, unable to keep walking on eggshells around the topic of Jason's family. "Irresponsible and paranoid. That's an interesting combination."

Jason laughed. "Just wait until you meet Bruce in person. I promise you, none of what I could tell you about him would ever live up to the real deal."

They got into the car, Jason in the driver's seat and Marinette in the passenger's. Jason's driving was a little rusty at first (which was understandable, given that he hadn't driven in nearly a year), but by the time he got on the highway, it was like he never left the driver's seat.

"Do you think that your family will believe you when you tell them that I brought you back to life?" asked Marinette, her voice quiet. The closer she and Jason got to Jason's house, the more questions Marinette had. It had taken her weeks to rationalize the fact that she could see ghosts, and she was the one seeing them. She couldn't imagine how Jason's family would react.

"Bruce was the one who found my body. There wasn't any faking that. I think he'll believe you."

"We've never talked about what happened to you. I- Is it safe for you to go home?"

Jason nodded, eyes on the road as he pulled off the highway onto a winding road. "Bruce did everything he could to save me, but he was too late. I was there for the funeral. I watched him mourn. I think... I think the reason I never passed on was because he never got over my death, never stopped feeling guilty. I wanted to pass on. I wanted to tell Bruce that I didn't blame him. I went and found you so that you could pass on the message for me. But then, when you could touch me, when you took the time to wash the blood off of my hands, I realized that I might be able to tell Bruce myself. I realized that I could have a second chance. I realized how badly I wanted a second chance, because a second chance at life meant that I had a chance with you."

Marinette blushed, looking over at Jason. "You know that doesn't matter to me. I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive."

With a snort of amusement, Jason said, "You might want to rephrase that."

Marinette rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. I liked you before you were corporeal. Human or ghost, you're my friend, Jason, and that's never going to change."

"I know that, but I like being alive better. I like being able to hold your hand for real."

Before Marinette could say anything in reply, the car turned. Marinette was too shocked to speak when she saw the size of the house at the end of the driveway. "Welcome to Wayne Manor, Marinette."

Marinette got out of the car first, smoothing down the fabric of her skirt and running her fingers through her hair. She hoped that she looked presentable, even if no one would be looking at her once they saw the resurrected Jason. "Are you coming?"

Jason nodded, taking a deep, steadying breath. "Yeah. I'm ready." Jason got out of the car and slipped his hand (flesh and blood) into Marinette's, and even though questions and doubts were swirling through Marinette's head in a whirlwind of anxiety, she knew that as long as she could hold Jason's hand, everything would be okay.

@maribatmarch-2k21

[losingitinjersey]

Happy due date, Aug! 

As you can see from the pictures, Erp and Aug met each other for the first time at the hospital!  My mom brought Erp over with her (you can tell she was dressed by her with the huge bow and fancy shoes) and it was SO GREAT to see my girl again!!  I’ve never had this much time away from her and I couldn’t get enough of her hugs and cuddles.  She was curious but cautious of her sister but continued to share her toys and books with her!  Although, every time Aug cried, Erp would shrink into herself and start crying as well, crawling into my arms for comfort.  My heart!  

On Friday at noon, 53 hours of being in the hospital and sitting in that increasingly uncomfortable bed, we were all packed up, dressed and ready to be discharged only to learn that Aug didn’t pass her hearing test on her left ear.  We were told we had to stay for four more hours for her to retake the test.  Defeated, disappointed and worried, we tucked in, napped and waited out those hours only to have her not pass a third time.  The hospital pediatrician wasn’t worried and said we’d just need to follow up with an audiologist in 4 to 6 weeks to see what’s going on.  By 6 p.m. that night, 59 hours in total at the hospital, we were finally on our way back home.  

We’ve now had over 24 hours at home with all five of us (my mom, Kevin, Erp, Aug and myself) and, I gotta say, I’m SO happy to be out of the hospital and adjusting to life at home.  

The first night at home (Friday the 13th) was rough.  I was emotionally and physically exhausted, desperate to create and cling to a routine that made sense.  But since Aug needs to feed every three hours (from the start of the feeding, and each feeding takes at least 30 minutes), there’s not much time in-between each session.  Kevin asked me if we could supplement with formula to give myself time to rest and not being responsible for each feeding but I refused.  Sure, my milk hasn’t come in yet but I wanted to do it all myself and work hard at feeding and getting my supply going through all the feedings.  I got maybe two hours sleep the first night.  

On Saturday morning, Kevin, Aug and I drove the hour and a half to our pediatrician in Norfolk to have her check out the babe.  She was very concerned about her weight loss and told us we need to immediately start supplementing with formula.  Like, had to do a bottle right there in the office in front of her and to give her 2oz of formula every three hours on top of breastfeeding. We have a follow-up appointment on Monday and Wednesday for weight-checks.  While I was disappointed to hear my girl, who was already a better at breastfeeding than Erp, wasn’t getting enough food.  Since this information was told to me by the pediatrician and not by my husband, I had no qualms about it and just want to make my girl healthy.  

The rest of the day went well.  I was able to nap AND shower!  First time in four days!  I was a new woman!  My mom asked me what she could buy me as a small gift of celebration - if I wanted a cake or ice cream or something.  Hands down, totally asked for a big dinner from Jersey Mike’s sub sandwiches.  Best decision ever.  That night my hormones got the best of me when my mom and Kevin decided to prioritize my sleep over everything else and basically sent me to bed at 9:30 p.m. telling me not to get back up until my shift at 6 a.m.  Oh, and also, that Kevin wanted Aug to try to sleep in her crib in the nursery with Erp (in her own crib) that night.  That decision was something I wasn’t ready to process and I tail-spinned from there.  I knew my hormones and lack of sleep were getting the best of me as I desperately tried to explain my feelings and try to help out more. Eventually, I just went to bed and hoped for the best, trusting my husband and mom were capable and just trying to do the best thing for me (even though *I* thought the best thing for me was to help out more, not sleep). (Also, the room sharing only lasted maybe five minutes before Aug started crying and needed to be removed from the room).  

Day three at home, Sunday/today, has been amazing so far.  Even though I was awake for two hours during the night, I did get a total of six hours and had a really great morning solo with Aug.  This was probably the most time she and I have spent one-on-one with each other and it was so needed.  I woke up at 6, by 6:30 I was breastfeeding her, by 7 I was feeding her a bottle.  By 7:30 she was down for a nap and I was pumping.  By 8 I got Erp up and loved having a solo morning with her, it was so good for us both!  By 8:30 I was finally able to make myself a delicious breakfast of avocado toast, fried eggs and french pressed coffee.  My mom was up at the same time so she was entertaining Erp while I got to eat in peace.  It was just the morning I needed.  Having that time with both girls one-on-one, but also at times together and having everything go well was so healing. 

Oh, and on top of everything else mentioned above, my feet have become horribly swollen thanks to the 3L of IV fluid pushed through my body and my face is incredibly puffy.  The breastfeeding cramps are brutal this time around and my nipples hate me. Desperately looking forward to a few weeks from now when, hopefully, my body has recovered more.  

Looking forward to continuing to find peace in structure and creating a routine that works well for us all.  While my free time is few and far between (especially when you throw in a very needy/grouchy cat into the mix who’s horribly being neglected despite my best efforts), I continue to find bright moments of joy in this new world of parenthood.  

[sunmoonandeddie]

‘cause you are, you are

pairing: lumberjack!bucky barnes x reader

word count: 8,436

summary: Bucky’s found someone out on his front lawn during a snowstorm.  Well, Alpine found her.  If only he knew what he was getting into.

warnings: Bad words!  Violence!  Mention of kidnapping!  Mention of military violence/injury!  Mention of suicidal thoughts!

a/n:  So the song I listened to that kinda really inspired this is ‘Get You the Moon’ by Kina.  Also, this was commissioned by @buckysbunny​ and I really hope you love it, babe!

“Come on, Al,” Bucky said as he led his dog up the front steps of his cabin, carrying all the grocery bags inside.  He had a cigarette between his teeth, keeping it steady as he unlocked the door and let the gorgeous samoyed inside.  “Atta girl.”

The cabin was just as he left it three hours ago when he left to go grocery shopping.  As it should.

And Alpine was already standing at her bowl, wagging her tail.  She knew what time it was.

“You hungry, baby girl?” He asked with a grin as he grabbed the beef he’d been thawing in the sink and opened it up.  “Today’s a beef day.  We both know how much you love cows, yeah?”  He put a cup of beef in her bowl, powdering in her supplements.  “The best girl deserves the best food, yeah?” He asked as he cracked two eggs on top of it, before setting it on the ground.  Bucky couldn’t help but grin at the way that Alpine sat there in front of the bowl, waiting for the go ahead as her tail wagged aggressively.  “Eat.  Good girl.”

Kicking off his boots, he started up a fire in the fireplace.  The clouds were rolling in, the sun already setting.  He’d lived on the mountain long enough to know when the first real snow of the season was setting in.  They’d already had flurries, sure, but…  The first real snow was the first one that had everyone locked inside, unable to go anywhere for weeks.  He could smell it on the air.

Thankfully he was all stocked up on wood, so they’d be warm.  He’d already moved up Alpine’s dinner time so it would still be light outside when she needed to go outside to use the bathroom.  And they had more than enough food in the fridge and in the deep freeze to last them the entire winter, if they needed.  They’d be okay.

Honestly, his biggest worry was losing Alpine in the snow.  She was a big floof of white fur.  She always came when he called, but still.  It was the principle of it.

After she went to the bathroom, the two of them curled up on the couch while he ate and they watched whatever DVD he popped in.  He’d probably binge watch the box set of nature documentaries he’d gotten.

They were… relaxing.  After spending a few tours in Afghanistan, he needed relaxing.

It had been ten years, but… some things don’t fade with time.  Some things stick like gummy bears on a car seat in July.

It was past midnight when Alpine raised her head from his lap, a low whine in the back of her throat.  By then, he’d cracked open a beer and been fully ready to fall asleep there.

“Al?  Come on, baby girl, there’s nothing out there,” he said reassuringly.  It was snowing heavily, and he’d estimate there was already about seven inches deep with no sign of stopping.

But Alpine gets off the couch and runs for the door, barking sharply.

“What the hell has gotten into you?” He asked as he watched her.  “Alpine, come.”

For the first time in the four years since he’d gotten her, she didn’t listen.

Instead, she let out another bark as she clawed at the door.

“Al,” he groaned as he forced himself up.  He left the beer on the coffee table before heading to the door.  “There’s nothing out there.  Just snow.  You’re just gonna get cold and get the floors all wet.”

But, alas, he’s a slave to the desires of his puppy.

It’s kinda pathetic, really.  Not that he cared.

He opened up the door to let her out, frigid air blasting him.  The snow crept up onto the porch, and there was so much coming down it looked almost like a curtain.  “See, Al?  Nothing.”

But she ran out into the snow, nudging at what just looked like another pile of fluffy white snow.  She let out a whine, the only parts clearly visible of her being her dark nose and eyes.

And that’s when a head appeared, and his heart stopped.  What the fuck was a woman doing out in the middle of a snow storm?

Despite the fact that he wasn’t wearing shoes and he’d just changed into a fresh pair of sweats, he ran out to where Alpine was still trying to nudge her awake.  The snow was freezing his toes as he reached down and scooped up the girl, woman, whatever, and carried her inside.

“Come on,” he called out to the samoyed, who was following quickly after him, her tail tucked between her legs.  “You’re such a smart puppy,” he cooed as he laid the girl on the couch.  “You knew she was out there and made sure I got to her.  Good puppy.”

From the color of her lips, there was no doubt in his mind that hypothermia was starting to set in.  And from what she was wearing?  Come on.  She didn’t even have shoes on.  Just two pairs of socks.

Fuck.  He’d have to strip her down.  He needed to get her warm, and the clothes she wore weren’t doing anything to help her since they were thin and soaking wet. “You better not kill me when you wake up,” he grumbled as he pulled her clothes off of her, keeping his eyes averted.  She didn’t even have underwear or a bra on.

It wasn’t that he was some kind of creep.  He just felt awkward.  He didn’t know this woman and he wasn’t some kind of life saver.

Bucky was alarmed by the amount of bruises that covered her body, though it looked as though there was a purposeful lack of them on her face.  There were also what looked like fresh scrapes along her hips.

He wrapped her in every blanket he could find after grabbing fresh clothes from the laundry room and redressing her, cocooning her before shoving the couch closer to the fire so that it may warm her easier.  But she still seemed so cold.  He moved to the kitchen, taking a few hot water bottles from the first aid cabinet and warming them up before gently dabbing one at her face, the only part of her still exposed.

Bucky knew that the only thing he could do now was wait for her to wake up.  Pressing two fingers to her neck, he let out a sigh of relief when he felt her pulse.  “You’re not out of the woods yet,” he said as he grabbed his beer and took a swig.  It was going to be a long night.

Alpine was more than happy with the addition of a new person in their home, if not still a little worried.  She climbed up onto the couch and curled up against her, sniffing at her face and giving her a lick before lying her head down beside her.

“She’ll be okay, Al,” Bucky said quietly as he reached out to give her scritches right above her tail.  He wasn’t sure if he believed it, but…  Maybe Alpine would understand and calm down a little.

My first thought when I woke up was that I was warm.  Really warm.

I hadn’t been warm in such a long time.

My eyelids were so heavy, and I had no desire to open them just yet.

What would I find when I woke up?  If I was back in His possession, in his house, I…  I would need to resort to Plan B.

Technically, Plan B had been Plan A a few times, when things had gotten… especially hard.  But He had caught me before I could succeed.

The last thing I could remember was stumbling through the snow.  I’d managed to finally get out after planning it for months.  I waited until He’d gone out for his nightly trip to the bars before pulling on my two pairs of socks and slipping out through the broken basement window.

The broken glass that I had thought would cause me to freeze to death had become my salvation.

I had been going down the mountain, following the road.  But it had started to snow.  I’m not sure how long I had been walking when I could see the path anymore, or when I saw the light.

The first light I had seen in the stifling white.  It had been coming from a window, cutting through the storm like a beacon of hope.

The wave of relief I had felt at the cabin slowly taking shape in front of my very eyes had been euphoric.  I had started to think that if I was going to die, at least I wasn’t going to die in captivity.

But I hadn’t even made it to the porch steps.

Which brought me to where I am now.  Wrapped up in what I was pretty sure was several blankets.  But I could smell… dog?  He didn’t have a dog.  No pets allowed.

He also didn’t have a crackling fireplace, from what I remember of the few times I’d been allowed upstairs.

Yeah.  Definitely no fireplace.

I made sure to stay completely still as I felt two calloused fingertips press against the pulse point in my neck.

“Well, Al, her heart rate has increased…”

So it was definitely a man.

I’d gotten really good at pretending to be asleep over the years.  Like, really, really good.  It wasn’t often that He’d been able to tell that I was awake if I didn’t want him to know.

There was a whimper, and then a rough tongue licked across my face.  The dog.  Which was (hopefully) this ‘Al.’  I didn’t want to deal with more than one man.

The man sighed and walked away.  “You gonna keep watch over her, baby girl?  I gotta go get a shower.”

Did he think the dog was going to answer him?

As soon as I heard his footsteps going up a set of stairs, I took in a deep breath before slowly letting it out.  I needed to get out of there.  Immediately.

I just had to slip out without him hearing me or the dog making a scene.

I slowly opened my eyes, even though it still felt like I had washers glued to my lashes.

And there was the fireplace.  It was so nice and warm…  I hadn’t felt this toasty in years.  The basement was always so frigid, and with the lack of blankets provided to me, I was always at least a little cold.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to stay for a little while…

No.  I shook my head as I forced myself to sit up.  I couldn’t stay.  I had to get out and get down the mountain to civilization.

I gasped as I felt the rough tough on my cheek again, turning to see a huge white dog that looked more like a cloud than an animal.  “Shh…”  I had to work to get my arms out of the blankets to pet it, but it was then that I realized I was not in my original clothing underneath all the swaddling.  My heart sank to my stomach as I felt a wave of panic.

Had he touched me?  Was he no better than Him?

I got most of the blankets off and frowned as I looked down at sweatpants and the long sleeved shirt I was wearing.  They were far too big for me, but they’d have to do.

I kept my steps feather light as I looked around the space I had found myself in.  It was a living room, and rather cozy.  Rustic looking.  I could see the kitchen to my left, and a silent debate with myself started over whether or not I’d have time to grab food for myself before running.  From the way my stomach growled, I knew that I’d have to.

I hadn’t eaten since yesterday, since today was not my scheduled day to eat.

The cloud dog followed me to the fridge, its tail wagging as I grabbed what I could reasonably carry.  It took everything within me to not stop and play with her.  I hadn’t seen a dog in so long, especially not one so sweet.  Its tail kept wagging even as it watched me stealing food.

I was reaching for the jar of pickles when I heard the cocking of a gun, and I turned around to see a large, burly man pointing a handgun at me.  The food in my hands dropped to the ground as I threw my hands up, my heart racing.  The jar of pickles shattered, the glass flying all over the floor.  “I-I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!” I gushed, feeling sweaty under the pressure of the barrel being pointed at me.  “I don’t know where I am.  I j-just woke up and I’m s-so hungry.”

Bucky’s heart pounded as he got out of the shower, hearing a commotion downstairs.

His instincts took over, and he didn’t have time to even think things through before pulling on a pair of briefs and grabbing his handgun from his bedside table before slipping down the stairs.

He had the gun in both hands as he peeked around the corner, seeing a girl digging through his fridge.  It was the cocking of the gun that alerted her to his presence, and she whirled around.

She was pretty, he could acknowledge that much.

It was when she was rambling that suddenly he remembered.  The girl in the snow.  But he’d been certain that she wouldn’t wake up for at least a few more hours.

His startling blue eyes stayed locked on her as he flipped the safety back on.  But he still kept it raised.  “Who are you?” He demanded, his voice gruff, deep.

She gave her name, and he frowned.  Just a first name?  No last?

“Where did you come from?”

“U-Up the mountain,” she said quietly, a few tears rolling down her pretty cheeks.  “Please, I…  I mean no h-harm.  Please.  I’ll go.  I swear.”

He shook his head, slowly lowering the gun.  It wasn’t like she was much of a threat.  She clearly had no idea what she was doing.  “Don’t be stupid.  You already almost froze to death once out in the storm.  Leaving would just mean that you wasted my efforts to save your life.”

“Thank you,” she said stiffly, still not moving from where she was.  It sounded more like a question than a statement.

She was skinny.  Scary skinny.  Of course, he’d seen that when he’d undressed her, but it was even more alarming seeing her in his clothes, seeing how they draped from her frail, bird-like shoulders.

He nodded to the mess around her.  “Stay still.  I don’t want you cutting your feet on the glass.”  Luckily she had the sense to listen as he swept up the glass and pickles, picking up everything around her before mopping.

He didn’t like being close to her, and she clearly didn’t like being close to him either.  Good.  It meant they would be less likely to step on each other’s toes.

Bucky was already very aware that she was going to have to stay until the snow let up enough for her to leave.

“I’m assuming you’re hungry?” He said as he put the mop away.  “You can have food.  I’m not going to starve you after rescuing you.”

She nodded, her stomach grumbling.  “Yes.  Hungry…”

Pointing to the fridge, he leaned back against the kitchen island.  “You can get whatever you want.”  He watched curiously as she reached into the door and grabbed the container of cottage cheese.  “Did you want some warm food?”

“This is fine.”

“You sure?”

“Mhm.”

She was weird.  But he couldn’t really judge considering the fact that he had no idea who she was or where she had come from.

Maybe she was a Russian spy or something.

No, that’s stupid, he reminded himself.  Your military days are over.  No one is looking for you anymore.

He showed her to one of the guest rooms once she finished eating the entire container of cottage cheese, eyeing her in case she vomited.  He had no idea how the hell she did that.  He liked cottage cheese as much as the next person, but still.

“Um…  There’s a shower through there.  And I can… get you some more clothes and stuff,” he said softly.  He stayed far away, out of her reach, and he noticed her doing the same.

She nodded, chewing on her lower lip as she looked around.  “Okay.  Thank you.”

“I’ll let you… get to it then,” he said awkwardly.  A frown settled across his face as he watched Alpine jump up onto the bed as the girl looked into the bathroom.  “Traitor.”

“Can you show me how the shower works?” She asked, poking her head back out.  “And…  What are the… shower rules here?”

A wave of confusion spread over him.  Shower rules?  “Uh…  Just… let me know if you’re gonna shower soon so I know not to use all the hot water?”

“That’s it?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“Oh.  Okay.”  She glanced over at Alpine, who was lying on her bed.  “Are you…  Are you showering soon?”

Bucky’s head tilted to the side, his brows furrowed.  His dark hair was still wet, and he was still in his briefs.

The girl nodded, letting out a weak laugh as her face flushed.  “Right.  Sorry.”  She pointed to the bathroom.  “The… shower?”

“Right!”  He slipped past her into the bathroom, making sure he didn’t touch her, before showing her how to work the knob and change the temperature.  “There we go…  Uh…  Have a good shower.  And I’m James… by the way…”  He let out a huff of air as he stood there with his hands on his hips.  “Right, um…”  He felt a bit awkward as he left quickly then.

I waited until after James had left to lock the bedroom door, swallowing as I shoved the desk chair under the handle.

There was a low whine, and I turned to see the cloud dog still on the bed.  I had thought it had left with him.  “Hi.  I thought you left.”  I reached out and scratched behind its ear, the fur soft under my fingers.

After taking a few minutes to just pet the puppy, I headed to the bathroom where the shower was still running, the mirror fogged up.

It had been so long since I’d had a hot shower.

After locking the bathroom door, I stripped off the clothes I’d been given and folded them nicely, laying them on the counter.  I could see the scrapes along my hips and cursed, wiping off the mirror so I could attempt to see them better.  I was covered in bruises, and the scrapes were clearly fresh.

But I had no idea what James thought of them or where he thought I got them.  Fuck.

I’d have to come up with some kind of excuse unless I was ready to tell him just where I’d come from.

Which just felt like it’d be so much work.  I wasn’t ready for that yet.

I didn’t come out of my room for the rest of the night.  It was the first time I’d ever been truly alone in years.

Even when He was gone, I was never truly alone.  Not when cameras captured every square inch of the basement.

When I crawled into bed, the cloud dog curled up against me and rested its head on my back.

I slept better than I had in years.  Even if I did end up vomiting up the cottage cheese.

Bucky was still confused by the girl three weeks later.  The snow hadn’t let up, which he was kinda upset about because she’d eaten one of the two containers of cottage cheese her first night.

He liked his cottage cheese.  And she ate it.

Which, okay.  He had been able to tell she was hungry and she clearly needed the food more than he did, but still.  She couldn’t have chosen something else?

Now they were having to ration the cottage cheese.  They had about half a cup left and they were both waiting for the other one to finish it off.

He was about ready to just tell her to take it.

He also didn’t understand how she’d stolen his dog from him.  Alpine had transferred her love and loyalty over to the strange girl within thirty seconds of meeting her, and it appeared that there would be no changing that anytime soon.  The dog was always at her side and wouldn’t even go outside to use the bathroom unless she sat on the porch, bundled in one of Bucky’s coats and wrapped in a blanket, and watched her.  Al didn’t even sleep with Bucky anymore.  She slept with the girl, her head on her back as if she was ensuring that she was still breathing.

On one hand, it was absolutely precious.

On the other, Bucky had lost his cuddle buddy.

But they gave each other a wide berth.  They never touched, which he was grateful for.  He didn’t… like touch.  And he got the implication that she didn’t either.

“You know, you living here kinda reminds me of the 2020 pandemic,” he said nonchalantly as they sat in the living room watching tv.  He was on the recliner, and she was curled up on the couch with Alpine in her lap.

Her head tilted to the side as she tore her attention from the movie playing on the tv.  “The what?”

Bucky blinked.  And then he blinked again.  “The…  The 2020 pandemic?  The pandemic three years ago?” He said slowly, his brows furrowed.  “Covid-19?  Everyone had to wear masks?  America was literally a cesspool of selfish assholes who were so stupid they believed Trump?”

“Trump…  Isn’t he that celebrity show host?  He was on Home Alone?  The Lost in New York one?” She asked.

He was going crazy.  He was sure of it.

“What?” She asked, sitting up a little straighter as she crossed her legs applesauce style, causing Alpine to whine before settling back down in her lap.  “Did I say something wrong?”

Bucky leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.  “Donald Trump became president in the 2016 election.  Then Biden won in 2020.”

Her eyes were wide, her cheeks flushed.  “Oh.”

“How did you not know?” He asked.

She shrugged, wrapping her arms around Alpine.  “I… haven’t watched the news… in a while…”

The man could understand that, but the whole ‘not watched the news’ in a bit really only worked when it came to things like… like a celebrity doing something stupid or a law being passed.  Two whole presidential elections?  That was…  That was Amish levels of ignorance.  Even if she didn’t watch tv, there were billboards and signs and merchandise like those stupid Make America Great Again hats.

As if America had ever been great.  And he had a double right to say that, since he’d been a stupid eighteen year old kid that the military had preyed on, getting him to join up and head overseas when America had no reason to be there.

He’d lost his arm because of it.

“How long has it been since you watched the news?” He questioned, his heart racing.  He had a bad feeling about it.  A really, really bad feeling that settled in his gut.

She buried her face in Alpine’s fur, her shoulders rising and falling as she huffed.

She’d put on some weight since getting there, thankfully.  He’d been making sure she got all her protein and started her on vitamins supplements he had.

“Eleven years…”

He paused, blinking slowly.  “Eleven years?  What the hell do you mean ‘eleven years?’”  He took a moment when he saw the way she flinched away from him.  He’d figured out pretty quick that she couldn’t handle any raising of the voice.  She’d shut down.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  But…  I still don’t know anything about you except your name.  Not even your last name.  I don’t know where you came from.  I still don’t know how the hell you ended up in my front lawn, half frozen to death.  I…”  He sighed.  “What happened?”

She was quiet for so long that he was sure she wasn’t going to reply.  He started to get ready to stand up, letting out a huff.

“I was thirteen,” I said quietly, my voice barely audible.  Alpine’s fur was so soft in my fingers and against my cheek.  It kept me grounded, kept me tied down to the Earth so I didn’t float away in the cloudy memories that covered the sky in my head.

Bucky was watching me closely, clearly surprised that I’d actually spoken.

My throat felt so dry.  “Um…  It was a few months after my birthday…  And I had just gotten a new phone.  It was… It was one of those sliding phones with a full keyboard?  It had a touch screen, and it was cherry red.”  I couldn’t help but let out a weak laugh as I remembered that stupid phone.  I’d been utterly obsessed with it, like any thirteen year old would be.  “I was in eighth grade and even though most people I went to school with already had an iPhone, that phone was the coolest thing ever.”

He was watching me in a way that was so intense, so focused.  I hadn’t ever had someone look at me like that.  Like he was actually listening.

“And, uh…  I used to walk to the river in the woods by my house,” I said, my voice growing soft again.  “I would go and sit and read on nice days…  I didn’t really have… friends.  I was a bit of a loner, and new.  We’d just moved there that April.”  My heart ached.  I missed that river.  I missed my parents.  More than anything.  “There was a man that I’d see sometimes at the river fishing…”

Bucky’s breath audibly hitched, and I could see his hands gripping his knees tightly.

“I was lonely,” I said, my voice cracking as I clutched onto Alpine that much tighter.  The puppy let out a whine as my eyes water.  “I didn’t have any friends yet.  I was an o-only child…  So, yeah, I’d talk t-to him.  I didn’t think it was wrong.  I f-figured if he was going to do something, he would’ve done it the f-first eighty times I s-saw him.”

“He took you, didn’t he?” He asked quietly, his voice gravelly.

Avoiding his eyes, I gave a short nod.  “Yeah.”

He stood up, his jaw set as he reached for his phone.  “We have to call the police.  If you were being held in a house on this mountain, then that means whoever took you lives close enough for you to have gotten here in a snowstorm.”

“NO!” I said as I scrambled up.  Alpine flopped to the side with a bark as she watched me scramble to knock his cell phone out of his hand.  “No cops!” I breathed out, eyes feral.

“Okay,” he said quietly, his voice soothing as he held up his hands in surrender.  “Okay.  No cops.  I won’t call the cops…”

I could see the confusion on his face, but a wave of relief washed over me as he agreed to not call the cops without asking too many questions.  I’d already shared so much.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” He asked, casually switching the subject as he sat back down.  He didn’t even grab his phone.

“Yeah.  Yeah, that sounds good,” I said as I took my seat again, swallowing thickly.  “Can we watch that one you were telling me about?” I asked as Alpine licked my face before settling in my lap once again.  “The…  The one about the Day of the Dead?”

An easy smile spread across his lips.  “Coco?  Yeah.  We can watch whatever you want.”

There was a shift in the air after she told Bucky about where she’d come from.  They still kept a generally wide berth, but… they were closer.  He was definitely in no hurry for her to leave.  Not when he could keep her safe in his cabin.

He felt a wave of protectiveness every time he thought of her.  He had someone to take care of now.  Other than Alpine and Steve when they were kids, he’d never had that.  Even Rebecca had been so independent growing up.

He liked having someone to protect, to take care of.  He liked checking in on her when he woke up in the morning and when he went to bed.

Which he’d started doing once she’d stopped locking her door at night.

Bucky liked preparing her breakfast and coffee for her in the morning, slowly helping her increase her food intake without hurting her tummy.  He liked checking in on her and making her laugh with his stupid jokes.

He liked… her.  She was easily the prettiest gal he’d seen, even if it was unassuming at first.

But he wasn’t a creep like the man who took her, whoever he was.  He wasn’t going to pressure her into being with him just because he was providing her shelter and food.

He wouldn’t use her like that.

And besides, it wasn’t as though she would want him.  She had just turned twenty-four that year, and he was forty-one.  There was a good seventeen year age gap, and it felt even wider once he’d realized that her education had effectively stopped at thirteen years old.

Of course, he’d started to remedy that.  He’d found some kind of online learning platform that he’d remembered from the pandemic.  Parents had started the free service in order to make sure that kids were still getting their education as schools shut down and they were pushed into Zoom classes in the autumn of 2020, after America failed and sent them back to school.

She was a lot smarter than she realized, and he made sure to tell her as often as possible.

They had a camaraderie that he hadn’t ever expected to find after he’d pushed Steve away.

Steve had been lucky.  He’d been good enough at drawing that he’d gotten a full ride to art school.  He didn’t have to enlist in order to have a future.

It wasn’t that Bucky was bitter about that.  Steve deserved it.  And now Bucky’s job was taking pictures of the mountains he lived on, and he got paid so much that he really only had to work a few months a year.

“You always talk about Steve,” she said softly one night as they ate dinner in the living room, as per their routine.  “Do you still talk to him?”

“Uh…  No,” he said quietly.  “Lately I’ve been thinking about reaching out, though…  I miss him.”

Her head tilted to the side as she looked at him, her spoon halfway to her mouth.  He’d made chicken tortilla soup, since that had apparently become her favorite.  “What happened?  If you don’t mind me asking…”

Bucky smiled weakly down at his own half empty bowl.  “Well…”  His spoon clinked against the side.  “It was hard after I came home… from overseas…  I’d lost my arm…  I wasn’t the same guy I was…”  He took a deep breath.  “I was angry… at everything… and I took it out on him, even when it wasn’t his fault…  And then one day I just packed up and left.  Found my way here.  I bought this place with the money I had and fixed it up…  It was a real dump.  Basically foreclosed.  But I spent an entire summer fixing it.  Had to get it done before the first snow.  And it also got me to figure out how to use my prosthetic.  It’s some… fancy experimental thing.”

There was a flicker of the lights, and then nothing.  It went completely dark.  The heater stopped, the clock on the top of the stove went off.

“Bucky?” She whimpered, the fear evident in her voice.

“Hey, it’s okay.  It’s okay.  I’m here,” he said as he used his phone flashlight to illuminate the situation a little bit.  “I’m gonna find some flashlights, okay?  You stay right there with Alpine.”

She nodded, setting her bowl to the side and wrapping her arms around the puppy.  “Okay…  H-Hurry back.”

Oh, he definitely would.  He didn’t wanna leave his bear cub alone for too long.

He found two flashlights in the basement before coming back.  “Okay, let’s get all the blankets and stuff together,” he said as he handed her one of them.  “It’s gonna get cold real quick without the heating working.”  There was no way he was gonna be able to get out to look at the generator with how heavy the snow was falling.

They piled all the blankets up on his bed before she crawled under the mountain of them, Alpine curling up next to her like always.

She watched as Bucky sat on the edge of the bed, watching the slow rise and fall of his back.  She could practically see the steam coming from his ears from how much he was overthinking.  “You can take your arm off, you know,” she said quietly, sitting up on her elbows.  “I’m…  I’m not gonna think it’s weird.”

Bucky let out a weak laugh.  “You sure, bear cub?” He asked, his voice wavering.  “I don’t want to freak you out…”

“Something that’s a part of you could never be bad,” she said quietly.

His heart stuttered inside his chest.  He didn’t know what to say in reply.  He’d never had someone say something like that.  His hand was shaking as he reached up and undid his prosthetic.  It was a whole thing he went through every night and every morning, since it was attached to his nerves.  He hissed as it finally came off, setting it in the open case on the ground as he rolled his shoulders a few times to get the tension out.

“See?” She said as she watched him, her eyes running over his back muscles and the scars that covered his shoulder.  “There’s nothing bad about you.”

Bucky slowly crawled under the blankets, staying on the other side of the bed.  He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

“You gonna stay over there all night?’

He blinked, and then he blinked again, his eyes staring up at the ceiling.  “I…  What?”

She was still sitting up on her elbows, her lower lip caught between her teeth.  Her eyes were flickering between the blankets and him.  “You don’t have to stay over there…  I’m not… gonna break if we cuddle, you know…”

Bucky’s heart stopped inside his chest as his mind went blank.  He suddenly wasn’t thinking anymore about how he might hurt her.  She wanted him.  Or at least… wanted him to cuddle with her.

Which he was more than happy to comply.

I scooted over a little closer to Bucky when I realized he was frozen staring at me.  He seemed to be in shock over the fact that I wanted to cuddle.

“Jamie?” I said softly, my fingers grabbing onto his arm and tugging him closer.  “Please?”

I watched as he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he nodded.

“I mean…  You don’t have to,” I added quickly, feeling a flash of anxiety.  What if I had imagined everything?  The flirting?  The calling me bear cub?  “Not if…  Not if you don’t want to.”

Maybe my emotional growth was just as stunted as my educational growth.

But then moved closer to the center of the bed, his strong arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close.  So close that I was lying on top of his chest.  He was so nice and warm.

And so strong.  He wasn’t like one of those guys in Hollywood or the bodybuilders that were all dehydrated in order to look like they had a twenty pack of abs or something.  He was the real kind of strong.

It was sexy as hell.

And it had been so long since I’d had a gentle touch…  Or had someone hold me just for the sake of holding me.

I hadn’t realized just how badly I needed it until Bucky was holding me close, his lips pressing to my forehead.

“James?  If you don’t mind me asking…  How did you lose your arm?”

I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he took in my question.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“No, I…  I want to,” he insisted as he brought me that much closer.  His chin rested on top of my head.  “I was on break…  And these little local kids loved playing hopscotch with us.  We’d draw out the hopscotch on the ground and we would use a little rock and all that…  Then one day, there was a truck out by the road.  One of ours.  We didn’t think anything of it even though it wasn’t where it was supposed to be.  We figured that out later.”  He pressed his lips to my head.  He was trembling, even if he was trying to hide it.  “We were searching for a good rock to use… and when I got close to grab a rock under the wheel… someone set off a bomb.  Blew my arm clean off.  It was all in… all in slow motion.”  Bucky sighed, shaking his head.  “I’d rather it be me then one of those little kids though.”

I sighed, squeezing him tight.  “You’re a good man, James.”  He clearly didn’t wanna think about it anymore, so I quickly changed the subject.  “Have you ever had someone braid your hair?” I asked as I reached up, running my fingers through his long hair.

“Can’t say I have,” he said, a chuckle reverberating through his chest.  “Why?  You wanna braid my hair for me, bear cub?”

I hummed, twirling a strand of his hair around my fingers.  “Mm…  I think it’d look real pretty braided…”

“Pretty?  You calling me pretty?” He snorted.

“Mmhm.”

“Why’s that?”

“‘Cause you’re pretty.”

By the blush on his cheeks, I could tell that he hadn’t ever been called pretty again.

And I knew I’d have to start calling him pretty a lot more.

Bucky had a shy smile on his face as he squeezed me closer to him, burying his face in my hair.  “You’re prettier, bear cub.”  He kissed my forehead again, humming.  “Get some sleep.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

It was another two months before there was a break in the snow long enough for them to be able to head to town for more groceries.  Plus, they needed to stop and get her some clothing that actually fit her.

Not that Bucky didn’t mind her wearing his clothes.  He liked it a lot, actually.  His little bear cub in his sweaters and such.

But she did want some pants that fit her proper and some underwear, at least.

And she was excited, but clearly anxious.  “Come on, Alpine,” she said happily as they ran out to the truck, Bucky following quickly behind.

“You’re adorable,” he said softly as he climbed in the driver’s seat.

“Shut it,” she said, covering her face in Alpine’s white fur.

He was falling for her.  Hard.  Even after the electric came back on, they hadn’t stopped staying in the same bed.  It just felt natural.  They hadn’t done anything more than cuddle, but he wasn’t exactly in a rush.  Bucky was very happily letting her take the reins when it came to how quick they moved.

But he did wanna talk to her about being together officially at some point.

The one thing he was really worried about was the fact that she still wouldn’t let him call the police.

He just wanted to find the man who had hurt her and wring his neck with his bare hands.

Or at least have him thrown in jail.  At the very least.

The first thing they did was get her some clothes and shoes so she could change into them, even though he was pleased to note that she did keep on his sweater.

She looked really, really good in green.

Like, really good.

“We need at least two containers of cottage cheese,” she said as she grabbed them, grinning.

“Oh, yeah?” He asked, coming up to her and wrapping his arms around her waist.  He couldn’t help it.  He loved touching her.  Preferred to have at least one hand on her at all times.  “Better make that three containers, bear cub.  From what I remember, someone ate an entire container in one sitting and then promptly threw all of it up.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.”  Her cheeks flushed as she nuzzled into him.  “And I only have two hands, James.”

A slow smirk spread over his lips as he looked at her pretty face.  He loved getting her all flustered.  “I didn’t say you had to grab it all at once.”  As if to make a point, he reached over and grabbed a third container, moving to set it in the cart.

It was when he had turned his head away for less than thirty seconds that he heard the sound of plastic hitting the ground, and saw cottage cheese splattered across the marble tiles.

“Bear cub?” He said in confusion as he looked around.  But she’d disappeared.  His brows furrowed as his eyes met Brock Rumlow’s, who was glowering at him for some fucking reason.  His eyes flickered down to his outfit, his heart stopping inside his chest when he saw the badge.

Brock Rumlow was a police officer.

His bear cub hated cops and refused to let him call the cops.

She’d disappeared when she saw him.

Fuck.

He didn’t like the thoughts that were running in his head.

Bucky had to find her before Brock did.

He didn’t even attempt to act nonchalant as he ran through the store, leaving the cart there.  His heart was absolutely racing.

Alpine wasn’t sitting outside the front door where they’d left her.

He rushed to the parking lot, breathing out a sigh of relief when he found her and Alpine in the truck, huddled down on the floor.  “Oh, thank fuck,” he breathed out as he got in the driver’s seat.  He didn’t even buckle before he was peeling out of the parking lot.  “He’s not gonna touch you, baby.  I promise.”

She looked up at him with glassy eyes, tears staining down her soft cheeks.  “H-He…  He’s the one who…”

“I know,” he said quietly as he reached over to take her hand, intertwining their fingers and squeezing.  He was flying up the mountain as fast as he could without spinning out, heading for the cabin.  “I know that it’s him.  But he’s not going to touch you, okay?  I’m not gonna let him.  I’m gonna protect you.”  He handed her his phone out of his pocket.  “Bear cub, can you go to my contacts and call Sam?  Tell him we need him as soon as possible.”

She nodded, her hands trembling as she found the name and called.  “H-Hello?  This is Bucky’s friend and w-we need someone at Bucky’s immediately.  Please.”

When they got back to the cabin, he rushed her inside.  “Go upstairs to our bedroom, lock the door, and then go to the bathroom and lock the door,” he said.  “Take the handgun in my bedside table with you.”

“J-Jamie, I’m scared,” she whimpered, her hands shaking.

He rushed forward, his hands holding her face as he pulled her into a kiss.  “It’s all gonna be okay.  But don’t come out for anyone that isn’t me, alright?” He said softly, caressing her cheeks.  “Take Alpine with you.”

She nodded, and he let out a sigh of relief as she went.

He grabbed the gun he had hidden in the living room, quickly loading it.  He knew that Rumlow would be coming up after them, especially if he was the one who had kept his precious girl kidnapped for over a decade.

He had a lot to lose.

But so did Bucky.  He’d just gotten his girl, and he wasn’t losing her anytime soon.

Bucky Barnes would not be losing the one person that made him feel human again.

And if it came down to it, and he died protecting her, he’d be okay with that as long as she was safe.  He’d just have to bring down Brock with him.

He stiffened as he heard the car pull into the drive with a roar and then the slamming of the door.  He knew it wasn’t Sam.  It would take him longer than that to get up there considering when they’d called.

Brock didn’t even bother knocking.  He shot through the lock and threw the door open.

It was all a blur.  Bucky shot at him and managed to catch him in the thigh, but Brock just kept coming.  He was pretty sure he had a bulletproof vest on, too.

“So this is where the little brat’s been?” Brock snarled, glaring as he pointed the gun at him.  “I figured she’d died out in the snow.  Would’ve been better if she had.”

Bucky wasn’t going to dignify it with a response.  He knew Brock was just trying to rile him up to get him to fuck up.  And he couldn’t let that happen when his girl’s life was on the line.

What he did do was aim at Brock’s hand and get him to drop the gun before he rushed forward and pinned him to the ground to wait for Sam.  He shoved him to the ground, glaring at him harshly.  “You will never touch her again,” he hissed, emphasizing each word as his hand wrapped around his throat and squeezed threateningly.  “And I’d fucking kill you now, but you don’t deserve a quick death.”  He spit in his face.  “I want you to get put in prison for life, and I want to hear about how your ass is getting kicked everyday for kidnapping and raping a little girl, and holding her hostage for over a decade.  I’m gonna personally make sure you never see the light of day again.”

As soon as the door opened and Sam came in with two other officers, he lifted his hands in surrender, getting off him once he knew that Brock wouldn’t be able to get out.

Before anyone could stop to question him, he ran upstairs.  “BABY?” He called out as he knocked on the bedroom door.

It took less than thirty seconds for his girl to open the door and throw herself into his arms, Alpine barking excitedly behind her.

“Hey, Alpine,” he said with a laugh as he scooped her up, wrapping her legs around his waist as she buried her face in his neck.  “Did you protect your mama?  Yeah?”

She let out a weak laugh as she nuzzled in further.  “Are you okay?” She asked, her voice cracking as she pulled back to look at him, holding his face as she checked him for injuries.

“Bear cub, he didn’t even touch me,” he said softly, holding her close.  “He’s in cuffs now, being put in the back of a cop car to go to prison…”  He kissed her forehead.  “He can’t ever get near you again.  They’re gonna search his place and it’ll all be over.  You never have to go back there ever again.”

I jerked awake, letting out a broken scream.  Sweat dripped down my back, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Alpine let out a worried whine from where she laid on my feet, keeping them toasty.

“Hey…  Hey, I’m here,” Bucky whispered sleepily as he brought me into his chest with his one arm.  His prosthetic had been taken off earlier.  “I’ve got you, bear cub…  I’m right here…”

I crumbled into tears as I was pulled onto his lap, my nose brushing against his neck.  “J-Jamie…”

“Was it the dream again?”

I nodded, my hands grasping at him to hold him close.  “I wa-was back in that basement…  W-With Him.”

He had gotten to see the basement first hand.  The concrete walls.  The dirty mattress that rested on the ground without any sheets.  The bugs and the rats that I had shared that space with.  The broken window that Brock had covered with a trash bag.  The cameras.

He’d seen me through the whole trial.

It didn’t take long for Brock to be put on trial and found guilty.  Hell, the jury only deliberated for an hour before coming back and giving their verdict.

With all the evidence from his cabin and his own poor defense, I didn’t even have to testify, which was a relief.

The piece of shit actually thought he’d get off easy.  But he got fifty years, and considering he was already over forty, it wasn’t likely that he’d ever get to leave prison again.

There was a bit of… question about what would happen to me after.  Where I would go.

My parents came to see me at Bucky’s, and they started talking about me going home with them and how they still had my room all set up.

But I just couldn’t leave Bucky and Alpine.  Not after everything.

And as much as I knew that me being taken wasn’t their fault, I didn’t feel safe with them like I did with him.

I thought Bucky was going to cry when I said that I wanted to stay with him.  He’d rushed to reassure them that he was going to take care of me and he was already working on helping me get my GED.

They seemed to like him, which was good.

And yeah.  The nightmares still came back sometimes.  I would always be haunted, even with my therapists’ help.

“I’ve got you…  He’s never gonna touch you again.  You’re safe,” Bucky whispered as he kissed my cheek.  He pulled back, his hand cupping my face.  “I love you.  And I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again.  And you know Alpine won’t.”

“I know,” I said softly as I rested my head against his chest as he laid us down again.  “I love you, too.”

No, the nightmares didn’t go away.  But that didn’t matter when I had Bucky.

[theramseyloft]

8/25/21

Cheeto, makin' sure my day starts early.

Couture is 6 months old today.

He officially joined the breeding roster yesterday when his first egg was fertile.

Archie is 16 weeks old, still looking for a home.

Banner (Patch x Spangle) is 6 weeks, due to get his initial vaccines tonight.

The second egg of Thistle and Amiga's second clutch and the first of Wess and Dolly's are being candled today.

Need to sit a minute.

Just moved my 150lb chewy order to the laundry room so I can get it out the door more easily and my back hates me.

This is why April wasn't allowed to hatch eggs even before I got out of breeding doves.

You can actually see where the shell has sufficient calcium and where is doesn't. The narrow end curves slightly to the side like melted plastic, indicating that is was rubbery when she passed it.

She is supplemented free choice and definitely eats her oyster shell.

But something is wrong with either her absorption or distribution.

If there is not enough calcium getting to her ovaries to build a full shell, there isn't enough in the egg to build a full peep skeleton.

If she were to hatch it, and the peep were to survive, feeding it would kill her.

Fuck.

Hate that this is the second rest I've needed today.

Hauled a 50lb sack of feed from storage to the loft and filled the feed container so I could fill the quarantine feed container.

Ok.

Back to it.

And four minutes later, I need another rest.

I just hauled out three 50lb bags from my laundry room to the storage shed.

They are paper.

I can't heft them over my shoulder to more evenly distribute the weight or drop them when they get too heavy, or they'll split.

I have also had them split from getting stuck to my shoulder with sweat

So I have to carry them in my arms like a gigantic baby, which us the position least kind to my back.

I have arthritis.  

I physically cannot straighten my legs to stand with a weight, so I am not capable of lifting with my knees.

Moving feed, sand bags, and straw takes a LOT out of me that's very difficult to recover from.

Ok.

Laundry in the dryer.

Second load in the washer.

Writing all this down because I have been working since 8am, and Cheeto's mat is the only bird related thing I have cleaned, so it feels like I've gotten nothing done but hurt my back.

I got up two hours earlier than I usually do, and am still just now getting started on work.

Because the loft is no closer to clean than it would be on a day I slept in, everything I have done this morning registers as having done nothing.

Patron: "You’ve gotten a lot done"

Yeah.

My brain measures work in terms of "how much do we have left?" Because I have the same amount left, I have just been procrastinating, as far as she is concerned.

The "one more little thing" syndrome is real today.

Sat down to clean the dove Palace.

Realized I forgot to get them straw (April is on a fegg, so Gordon will be compelled to bring her the floor.)

Went to get straw.

Sat down again.

Realized I forgot the paper towels.

Gordon inspecting my offering.

2 weeks and a day until Vito can go home.

Mat fell in love with him and Danica.

By the time Nica is done with her peep, his flock will be out of quarantine.

Raddish got his second dose of wormer.

If his throat swab is clean tonight, he'll go out to the loft in the morning.

Raddish is very upset about wormer-get, and wants a bath.

Brightheart lost another scab layer.

He is so beyond done with my shit...

I trimmed his crest to keep it out of the blood when he itches those off.

Speaking of itches, Ibis was supposed to leave quarantine tomorrow, but she still has lice.

I found an adult and some hatchlings.

She's really tight-feathered, so getting her sufficiently dipped is a bit of a bitch..

Pants is on his last day of Trich meds.

He didn't have any worms, so he'll just join the flock on their schedule.

Charlie is standing like a pigeon!

She gets wormed tomorrow and then the last thing I'll have to worry about is lice.

Everyone who still needs it gets dipped on Sundays.

Today has not been my fucking day.

The humidity is so intense that I have to come in every few minutes because within five, I get dizzy.

aaaand a wasp got lost in my skirt and panicked when I did not let her out soon enough.

my ass and hips have been stung five times, and my skin and the only work skirt not in the washer or dryer is covered in scared wasp beacon pheromones.

Patron: "I have switched to ivermectin sheep drench for lice. One drop in each armpit.  It worked for my flock's lice that seemed to never quite go away otherwise. And it's less traumatic for the bird."

Interesting.

I know that works well for swift body lice, but I use Ivermectin for worms.  

If it worked on long bodied feather lice, I would not still have new birds covered in them.

Patron: "It worked on mine including the three I just picked up."

"They had them visibly, and pretty bad. Now none."

"I use it orally for worms. This is a liquid that I apply directly to the skin."

Does it not get into the bloodstream when ingested?

Not trying to be a smartass. Genuine question.

Patron: "I dunno the mechanism. Just that this works and orally doesn't."

"This says one drop, but I was told to do 2."

Every time I have used anything you just apply to the armpit or nape of the neck, there have still been lice every time I have checked.

Patron: "I can send you some to try it. I have a lifetime supply. Lol"

I have had to look very carefully for them, but they have always still been present.  

I have some for worms.

Pigeons always drink before they bathe, and I got it as a back up if the worm out gel didn't work.

Patron: "It probably does get into the bloodstream but not at a high enough concentration to kill maybe"

That's a distinct possibly.

I will be back.  

I am not allergic to wasps, but sensitive enough that a sting triggers nerve pain flare ups elsewhere.

By executive order, I'm taking the rest of the day off once everyone is fed, and I do not have words for how upset I am to need to stop every fucking cleaning day since Khou died because my ability to physically function keeps quitting on me for one reason or another.

I have maybe finished unaided twice.

And I'm so goddamn tired of either my brain or body quitting on me when I need them.

My bird picked me.

I had a break down in the loft, and diamond got into my lap.

When I went to pet her, she jumped off. She had only wanted treats.

But then Cotta got up into my lap.

When I tried to offer him a treat, he took it gently from my fingertips, spat it out, and bowed his head like Ankhou used to to get me to pet him.

I expected that he'd nope out, but he did actually cuddle closer when I pet him and let me cuddle with him until I was done crying.

But now my husband's bird is jealous and trying to win me back.

Cheeto...

Make up your goddamn mind.

[actuallyadhd]

Hey!, so I’ve been thinking I might have inattentive ADHD. Like, I have many symptoms (I think), but I’m not sure if at the same rate that people with ADHD. I mean, I experience them but maybe as everyone. I still haven’t had too much trouble (except with lack of motivation, some executive dysfunction, daydreaming a lot, not paying attention, rejection dysphoria, and I think I may suffer from sensory overload sometimes but I don’t really know how to know what those are...), but I think that as I have anxiety (most likely) and as I’m a teenager and live with my parents, the symptoms are like hidden with schedules as I don’t decide when to eat. But I’ve noticed when I’m alone, I skip some dinners, have late meals... And also, online classes hasn’t helped with my attention span.

It’s weird, because I’ve always been the best or one of the bests students of my class, not behaving bad. Being “a pleasure to have in class” and all that, and for what I’ve seen, it’s not typical. And symptoms have appeared, or at least I have acknowledged them (that’s most likely), this last year. Except for fidgeting (that’s always been there), daydreaming and many times not being able to pay attention.

What I’m scared of is that when I get older and live alone, I’ll be a complete mess. I already deal with anxious and depressed thoughts, I don’t want to have it harder. And I can’t really ask my parents for help since they very anti-psychologists and therapists, and I think I cannot be mentally ill. So they always say I’m very lazy, which hurts me because I can’t help but be always really tired or restless (so I don’t know if this is procastination and I’m just lazy or actually ADD). But then again, is just the typical teen hormones and anxiety, or ADHD?

And anxiety doesn’t help with thinking I’m just faking this... I’m sorry I rambled, but I can’t really explain it well. I don’t even know what I would get from this, but I think it could help me to know what is wrong.

Thanks!

Sent March 23, 2021

This is a tough one. As you say, there are a lot of different things that could be going on here. It’s particularly rough when the people you need to help you seem like they’d rather just make value judgments. So I’m going to make a few suggestions that might help you, and you can see what sounds feasible to you.

So first I’m going to recommend talking to your parents in terms of what it feels like to have the struggles you do. You said you’re tired a lot, so if you’re getting enough sleep you can definitely mention that. Tell them that you’d like to see the doctor to talk about how you’ve been feeling, so you can find out what’s going on. If you’re sure they will resist any mention of mental stuff, just talk about things like low iron, which is not something you should supplement without talking to a doctor first.

The four biggest things that impact our functioning and emotional state, regardless of whether we have ADHD or not, are sleep, diet, exercise, and stress levels. If even one of those is off, things get harder.

Sleep. You probably need more sleep than you’re getting. If I recall correctly, adolescents require (on average) a minimum of 9 hours of sleep per night. If you’re not getting that, you might benefit from making adjustments to your sleep habits. (Side Note: If anyone would like a post about sleep, please let me know and I’ll see what I can do!)

Diet. It’s important to eat a healthy diet with lots of vegetables and protein in particular. Some people find that a low-carb diet is great for them, while others find that they really need those carbs. To me, what matters is that you get enough protein. There are a lot of important things that protein does for your body and your brain!

Exercise. Cardio is best, but it doesn’t have to be high-intensity or anything like that. The most important thing is that you do something every day. A simple 15-minute walk can help your brain more than you think! On top of that, when you find your focus really lagging, a 5-minute active break can be a huge help in resetting your brain so you can get back to work.

Stress Levels. This is hardest to control. It’s important to find ways to lower your stress levels when possible. It’s been a really rough year, and stress levels are high for everyone. I recommend finding a couple of simple, screen-free activities that you can do to relax in the lead-up to bedtime, like colouring or taking a hot bath. I also recommend exploring stimming, as this can help relieve stress in the moment and can also help you focus if you’re unable to take that active break I talked about up above. Things like fidget cubes, knitting, and playing with Silly Putty can be really great for this.

I hope some of these will help you, and I’m sure some followers will have more suggestions. Be sure to check the notes on this post!

Followers, you’re up! Do you have any more suggestions for this anon?

-J