#when it’s used abt a person it’s not about actually perceiving them as disgusting but more so on their character

[mazzystar24]

Uk fans of 911 are sat here crying laughing over how many things people claim British slang to be used as vs what it actually is used like

[corfisers]

Your post abt # instances of yashiro perceived rejection Vs # of times where yashiro says "don't look/stop looking at me/look elsewhere".

Which one is more recurring, in your opinion?

rejection, i think. that's the short and simple answer. i didn't go through the entirety of saezuru again to do the math, this is just based on what i remember and only counting rejection from doumeki, which i assume is what you are asking about

aaand under read more is the unreasonably long answer and tangential blabbering on the topic that nobody asked for

initially i was going to reply differently. the thing is, "don't look at me" moments jump out more because they are unique to his relationship with doumeki (which is what both the story and the readers tend to focus on the most) and it's yashiro actually having a reaction and vocalizing his feelings. an uncharacteristically strong and sincere reaction in some cases. there's irony to it too, because one of the first things yashiro notices about doumeki is that he has nice eyes. he likes how he "looks down on him", at least while he can still pretend that that's what's going on (we all know doumeki never actually had any contempt for him at the start, misumi notices how smitten he is back in the first chapter, everyone else quickly figures out what's up as well. yashiro just assumed the worst and tried to project kageyama onto doumeki, and he recognizes and admits it later). he's fine with doumeki watching him have sex with other men or masturbate, but the moment he's looking at him when he's vulnerable or can't keep up the facade, he can't handle it. he doesn't want to be perceived, it's scary and unfamiliar, nobody looked at him the same way doumeki does. the intensity of yashiro's reactions to it and how significant those moments are go hand in hand with the overall progression of their relationship, and it all eventually leads to the worst one out of all of them: yashiro crying and telling doumeki not to look, just like aoi did. that one hurts, that one sticks with you, that's the one doumeki thinks back on

rejection, on the other hand, is quiet. there's no strong reaction, all you get in most cases is a slight change in yashiro's facial expression and some internal monologue. some of those moments don't stick out as much, they aren't as memorable or noticeable (chapter 23 is an obvious exception, but that's a whole separate conversation and i'm not counting it here). rejection is something he's used to and has been dealing with since childhood. first his mother, then kageyama. repeatedly. and there's some comfort in being rejected and left behind, even relief. i'm projecting a bit and speaking from personal experience, but after a certain point it does feel easier to simply give up on things, assume the worst in every situation and just be alone. can't be disappointed if you didn't expect anything in the first place. yashiro liked the fact that doumeki was impotent for a reason

it's not just with doumeki either. yashiro often talks about how much people probably hate him or how disgusted they are. in some cases he's right, hirata exists after all. in others he's completely wrong, like with ryuzaki. not that the bastard made his feelings obvious at any point (the nicest thing that yashiro actually knows of was that damn washcloth), but both doumeki and nanahara managed to notice, so there's that. either way, there's some form of rejection, assumed or otherwise, throughout the entire story, from different characters, to varying degrees, but it's not as... loud, i guess? as "don't look at me" moments. it also often gets overshadowed by doumeki's feelings and how he deals with being rejected, at least to me, but again, that's a whole other conversation

all that to say, if you go through each chapter and actually count, i think you'd get more instances of rejection, they are just more subtle. it's the norm, it's the unfortunate reality that you get accustomed to, especially if you happen to be Not Straight and exist in a predominantly cishet space with a bunch of homophobic men in it. there's not much else you can do aside from learning to be hated and rejected and looked down upon and continuing living despite it. meeting someone who actually wants to be with you, who sees you as person and not an object, after all these years of suffering and resignation and plain surviving, is scary and disorienting. i think the ways yashiro deals with being perceived vs being rejected reflects this experience, but again, i might be projecting

anyways, if you somehow got through all this - thank you for coming to my ted talk, hopefully you found at least some of this interesting or entertaining and didn't just waste your time!

[danteinthedevildom]

yes! i hate it when people say belphie doesnt care for mc, this is a personal opinion but i feel like even if we werent related to lilith (and somehow we came to life again) he would be close to us, and try. seeing how the people he cares about the most react to someone he thought was just a human dying would probably push him to get to know MC. i know some people also think and argue that beel sees MC as a replacement for lilith too; but i know 100% he doesnt, he hasnt been able to verbally talk about his sisters passing to anyone, i mean almost right after she died belphie was taken away and beel assumed he was in the human world on "buisness", so for beel to openly talk about lilith with us as much as he does it feels special. i know he sees mc as their own person because of how much hes able to share with us, beel talking with mc about his feelings means hes able to finally move on, not to say that he'll forget about her, but he knows hes ready to finally stop beating himself up for it yk? i feel like people were also conflicted about seeing belphie as someone who cares for mc, especially the 180 he does when he finds out we're liliths relative; but belphie has had so much trauma, seeing the person he loved the most die, being separated from his brothers for years and years, etc. he was locked away with his mental illness for a long time, the anger bottled up and he took it out on mc, of course it explains it but it doesnt excuse it, you can still continue to hate belphie idc but i feel like he loves mc more than the other brothers do because of it, its the same thing with beel, mc allowed both of them to cope and talk to them about their sisters passing, yk?

Honestly the whole of Chapter 16 and associated fallout is p. controversial simply bc of it being us that it happens to; the game's written for us to imprint on the MC, and because of that, some scenes - like Belphie's betrayal and his glee at having killed MC - becomes very, very personal. It's very easy after that to become biased against a character, because there's genuine emotional scarring that we're left with as players that the game then just... fails to acknowledge to its fullest. (Which is why we get so many "MC might have forgiven Belphie but I haven't" fics on AO3.)

But to say that Belphie doesn't care for MC is just. Wrong. And I can def. get your annoyance on that!

He didn't care for MC to begin with, yes; MC was a random human he knew nothing about, a ticket to freedom and the first step into enacting revenge for something he's carried with him for millenia. They didn't matter to him outside of that because he never got to see them - or spend actual time with them - outside of the short visits they could afford to update him on their pact progress. That's undeniable.

But to say that he still doesn't ignores the entire point of the Lilith revelation. Being related to her gives Belphie something to connect with MC over. It gives him a reason to overcome his hatred of humanity and to bond with MC in general - which is selfish, yes, and kind of shitty, true, but so much of Belphie's (admittedly misplaced) anger comes from being a survivor of an incredibly one-sided war and (arguably, in his mind) the reason Lilith died to begin with. Because Beel saved him instead of her.

It's not like any of them were ever given a good way to cope with the trauma of the Fall, or Lilith's death. It's not like any of them even knew her actual fate until Chapter 16. Belphie's way of coping was to become apathetic, and to try and place the blame onto something he could take action against.

To him, that meant humanity. Because she fell in love with a human. Because they'd already fought God and lost, so he wasn't going to get closure there - but maybe ending the cause for her death would help the hurt.

He hated humans because of Lilith. In the realm of good story-telling, the best way to end that hatred is likewise through Lilith. Stories are best when they have that cyclical nature to them - especially since it can then transition into Belphie overcoming his trauma (and Lilith's death) through humanity.

So, yeah; it's a selfish reason to get close to someone, to take back the really horrific thing you were going to do, but all of Belphie's anger stemmed from the Fall and what he perceived as her death. Finding out that she didn't actually die? That she became human - became the very thing he wanted to destroy - and lived out a long life? That she had children, and that her family line is still alive in MC? Of course that's going to stop him dead in his tracks. And of course he's going to want to get close to MC, the last remaining fragment of the sister he's dedicated his entire life post-Fall mourning.

Belphie's an incredibly apathetic character by nature. He doesn't care about a lot of things, and everything he cares about is overshadowed by how much he loves Lilith. He needs that connection to get him out of his natural apathy. He cares about Lilith above all else; he'll care about MC at the drop of a dime if they're anything to do with her.

But that's not a bad thing. It means there's an opportunity for him to genuinely get to know who MC is, in a positive light.

It's an opportunity for him to try and make a connection with MC that simply wouldn't have existed otherwise, and through them, to finally, finally put his memory of Lilith to rest. And he does! He gets to know MC, gets to know why Beel adores them so much - outside of just being "Lilith's descendant" - and ends up loving them for who they are.

He puts his hatred of humanity and his single-minded attachment to Lilith behind him, and he still cares for MC. He wouldn't do this if he'd really not formed some sort of bond with them before that point. If he only cared for them because they're a fragment of Lilith, then they'd mean nothing to him once Lilith wasn't such a fervent part of his daily life.

I think the game's just... really bad at showing that, however. You put it really well when you called it a 180, because in all honesty? The game glosses over it much too quickly, and doesn't do a totally good job explaining the logic behind why he'd change his mind so fast.

There's not enough time spent on allowing MC - and the player - to overcome the emotional wreckage of Chapter 16 + fallout. We're not given the chance to process it before Belphie has, to build up a natural relationship with him that transitions slowly from him seeing MC as a Lilith-connection to him seeing them as their own, defined person. It's way too easy to still be emotionally hung up on it while he seems perfectly fine and dandy.

On your bit abt him overcoming it even without the connection to Lilith - I agree tbh! There is a lot Belphie would do for Beel, and I genuinely think seeing how against him Beel is after killing MC, even if they're brought back to life, would ruin him. Belphie being locked up, trying to convince Beel that he was doing the right thing, only for Beel to disagree with him and show genuine anger/disgust, would knock the world from under his feet. If he thought trying to hurt MC would make him lose Beel too - if Beel pleaded with him to just play nice, because he can't choose between them both, not again - he'd likely (albeit begrudgingly) postpone his intended revenge plot.

And he'd try to stay bitter, and for a long time he likely would - but then he'd see how happy Beel is with MC around, and how much it means to Beel that they seem to get along, and how much Beel opens up to them about Lilith, and he'd start to... reconsider. Just a little. Just a bit. Moment by moment, day by day, until he realises that MC isn't a replacement for Lilith, but that they bring something to the table that the brothers have been missing for a long, long time.

Which would afford Belphie the moment of catharsis; where he finally, on a quiet night, opens up about the Fall. How he felt, how angry he is, how helpless. How much he misses her, how the pain and hurt consumes his every thought. And then the player would get the chance to overcome the emotional strain with Belphie, showing him that his anger shouldn't be aimed at humanity when his Father is the one at fault, and Belphie, very quietly, admitting that they're right.

It could work, and work well. It's just a point of finding - and hitting - the right story beats.

On the topic of Beel - honestly, the concept that he sees MC as a replacement for Lilith is just... I personally couldn't imagine it. I can see how someone else could - being her descendant, the attic sandwich club, their little escapade together once Belphie's back in with the family - but that includes seriously misreading/ignoring a lot of Beel's character arc/development.

Beel talks to MC about Lilith and Belphie way before he knows anything about their relation to her. He sees a lot of her in them, yes - he mentions this a few times, I think, in relation to little things they do - but he also sees a lot of what he wants to be in them - which is best seen in their ability to defend both himself and Luke, which be very subtly compares to his own inability to save both Lilith and Belphie.

To Beel, MC stands as something a little idealised. MC is everything good he saw in Lilith (as well as some of the things he loves most about Belphie), and everything he wishes he could have been. MC is a reason to be better, stronger, more capable - both so he can protect them the way they protect others, and so he can feel as if he's on their level.

But that doesn't mean he sees them as a replacement to the people he's lost. It's arguable that he's projecting, sure, I'll admit that; he sees things he misses most of the people he's lost in MC, and I'm sure forming a bond with them helped him cope while he was without Belphie. But MC is still always MC to him. They're always still their own person, and someone he cares for because of that fact.

Beel cares too much about his family to replace them with someone else. Lilith meant too much to him as a person for him to look at MC and actually see Lilith. He misses her, not the idea of her. He feels guilt that he couldn't save her. His trauma revolves almost entirely around the failure of (self imposed) duty and the subsequent loss of life. His Survivor's Guilt is the main reason Beel can't put her memory to rest - because he's constantly haunted by the thought that he could have saved her.

His trauma, the way it is, does not create a setting where he would believably see MC as a replacement for Lilith. He's all too aware that she's gone. He's all too aware that he lost something he can never get back that day. Her memory is special to him, and being unable to talk about her hurts him because that's a bit like killing her off for good.

MC can't replace Lilith, even being Lilith's descendant, and I genuinely can't believe that Beel would even want them to. He's so defensive over Belphie and Lilith, even just over the memory of them; to suggest that MC could replace one of them I feel would anger him more than anything. Not only because it's an insult to Lilith, but because it's an insult to the person MC is. To the person Beel admires.

With just how much he cares about Lilith, I think Beel's enhanced attachment to MC is more the steadfast defence of her lineage to make up for what he couldn't do for her. He still sees MC as their own person, it's just that now... now he has a chance to make up for what he failed at before. And bit by bit, he can learn to forgive himself. Can learn to stop blaming himself for something that was never his fault to begin with.

Belphie and Beel have a special relationship with MC because MC is a direct link to Lilith that helps them overcome their individual Lilith-related traumas. They're naturally going to be closer to MC due to this, yeah, but that's... not the only reason they're close to MC. To try and push down everything they feel and do with MC to "it's only because MC is Lilith's descendant" is to. Well. A) make an incredibly unsatisfying story and character development, but also B) completely ignore that MC helps them bury the memory Lilith. MC helps them move on. Their care and love for MC is what helps them finally let go - to stop living in the past, in hurt, and to finally take a step forward to a future without the weight of Lilith's death constantly burdening them.

Like. If Solmare had just spend a little more time on these two, that might be clearer. Because it's definitely there! And it's why I love Belphie and Beel so, so much. But it's also fully understandable why some players still really dislike Belphie, or why they're not convinced that Belphie/Beel see MC as anything outside of Lilith, bc the game does kind of fail on that a little by rushing a bit too much. Just. Aagh!! You know?

I could honestly go on abt them for hours. So I should prolly stop here before I go on too long adfgh.

[dughole]

@torturelabyrinth hey olivia. thanks for responding to this in good faith n ik u aren't celebdefender5000. i will try to like, elaborate on what I meant in the best way I can. id rlly like it if some of the trans ppl who relate(d) to what im articulating can add in their own comments abt this. im very aware that this stuff is incredibly personal for me & i won't deny that there is bias here, im not in a place where I can publicly come out completely & i spent a really long time in these kinds of situations wondering if I was just jealous of the access other nb people have. & maybe that is the case, i don't fully know. it's def a misarticulation to attach this specifically to demi, thats not rlly what I meant to do by mentioning them, bc what I was saying may or may not pertain to them at all! it's more like, i’m using their coming out as a catalyst for my own thought process surrounding the language around what being nbcis vs. what being nbtrans is, demi isn't even necessarily relevant in that! i am legitimately glad that they've reached a point in their life where they can talk about being nb openly, & I genuinely promise, that this conversation i'm trying to have ISN'T "is demi lovato actually nb or r they faking" bc thats an incredibly slippery slope to go down & that kind of rhetoric has been used against me too. i hav absolutely no interest in that. this convo is really tricky bc so often it boils down into like, being trans, being nb = a certain kind of look. like, we r all limited by our appearences. it is an undeniable fact the expectation cis ppl have towards trans bodies to exist in a certain physical space that aligns with the truth of our internal understanding of gender, that that is a rlly harmful expectation. the perceived mobility/immobility of trans bodies, the emphasis on passing is something that is undeniably harmful. it harms me as someone whose, (despite my best efforts to do what I can w the body & the resources I have) , attempts to exist as androgynous bc that best reflects who I am - do fall flat. & as I was saying to a mutual, like, my investment in this convo isn't rlly, like, the unplugged/inarticulate nature of celebrity coming outs. they're celebs, they're going to be detached from the world of most lgbt ppl no matter what terms they use, & that doesn't necessarily say anything abt the validity of who they r. like. jvn coming out as nb in an insta ad for nail polish. stupid & very celeb of them - but has no actual bearing on the truth of their existence as a nb person. my focus here, is more like. in the past year or so i've had a lot of conversations w other trans ppl abt like, the existence of ppl who use the vocab of being a trans person (as in pronouns or otherwise), but who like, can't even say the word trans outloud. ppl who openly self-id as cis nb. obviously coming to terms w being trans is an incredibly internal thing anyway, & the way someone discusses themselves doesn't devalue their position as potentially existing as trans. but like, my worst experiences this year w transphobia towards my body & the people I care abts bodies have been from ppl who use they/them pronouns, from people who use the same words that I do. ppl that I had to come out to just so they would believe me when I told them there was some really disgusting transphobia in their thinking. there is just, a phenomenon, I've seen, of a separation btween the ideas of being trans & being nb, & mayb they should be separate! idk! my belief is not at all that cis nb ppl shouldn't exist or whatever - but my understanding is that being trans & being nb were/r inextricably linked by history & experience. & this is an incredibly delicate issue, that needs to be discussed very responsibility lest it dip into disgusting transmedicalist territory. "presenting accurately" is a concept that serves cis ppl rather than trans ppl, defining the legitimacy or experience of ppl using nb vocab, trans or not, isn't productive or kind.

I guess like, I just see a need for a discussion around this kind of phenomenon of separation bc, like, it is harming me and the ppl I care about in my life. & mayb that's not a phenomenon ur seeing, and if u aren't - like. that's really great. I'm really glad the ppl in ur life that are discussing what it means to be nb r doing it in a way that considers the history of attachment to transness. but i think there needs to b avenues of good-faith discussions of the concerns of trans nb ppl & binary trans ppl with the concerns of ppl who r cis nb. and like. that convo is going to b complex bc there aren’t always clear lines between, being trans and not being trans, etc. but i still think it’s a convo worth having? this reply is a bit messy n vry long & I hope it comes across accurately, I think transmedicalists r fucked, & i'm really not trying to say "this person is/isnt trans", or "u need to have x, y, & z marked on ur transgender checklist for it to be validated", & a lot of this is attached to very personal pain of mine that I can discuss w u in more detail privately if u wish. i really don't think, being trans relies on anything but Being Trans. not transitioning, not hormones, not any one particular sugery, etc. i'm just, like, i'm trying to push a conversation in a productive direction bc it affects me and i’m pretty sure it affects others?

[wincore]

AGREEEE, WORKING OVER THE WEEKEND IS THE WORST esp since im in uni full time and i work 9-5 on the weekends which means... no breaks for me ever.. 🥲

MASSIVE CRUSH ON OIKAWA OMGGG I SUPPORT THIS!!!!! but i am unfortunately much older than 15 and still enamored by 2d men 😔 life’s rough like that HDJWKDJ YES ATSUMU CAUSES PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE.. HES THE WORST!! btw.. ive heard that the oikawa to atsumu stan pipeline is very real... so if u get to s4.. u may develop atsumu brain rot like me 👁_👁

OOO alright run on, extracurricular, vincenzo, true beauty, love alarm, & perfect crime. NOTED!! ive actually been meaning to watch extracurricular for a while now, it looks so interesting!! now that it has the wincore seal of approval i must watch 😤 OMGG SAKURADA DORI I SAW HIM IN ALICE IN BORDERLAND!! super good show but really gore heavy at some points 👁

ahh ok thank u for the reccs, ive been thinking about starting demon slayer too!! shoplifters sounds really interesting :oo crime??? i havent watched a full movie in a while so i will def check it out!! THESE R ALL GOING IN MY NOTES APP.

NEXT YEARRR omg it sounds far away but i know time passes so quickly nowadays so I WILL WISH U LUCK ONCE AGAIN 💛 i hope u update us when the time comes!!

UGHWHHD EVEN THIS SYNOPSIS IS MAKING ME MISS UR WRITING?!? I LOVE THE WAY U WORD IT... “given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear” AHHHHHHH omg “he’s in a relationship and doesn’t rlly care about the soulmate system” THIS IS ALWAYS SUCH A PAINFUL SCENARIO IN SOULMATE AUS PLSS!!! Wait is the soulmate of yn gonna be an oc/vague character or another member :O EITHER WAY... PAIN! THIS IS GETTING ME SO EXCITED AND U HAVENT EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT JAEHYUN’S LIKE IN THIS FIC YET

RUNWAY CHARACTER CAMEOOOS YESS I LOVE RUNWAY YN!!!! i actually reread it last night and ugh i was reminded how much i love yns personality... just the process of experiencing all tht self doubt with them!!! so real & makes u root for them :’)

“if jeno plays edward i need him to that apple scene like taemin did” WHHHHHWJDJJWJDBW THIS MADE ME CHOKE ON THE WATER I WAS DRINKING LMFAO

GODDDD THESE TROPE/MEMBER PAIRINGS, HARD AGREE HARD AGREE!!! HAECHAN AND RENJUN ARE E2L 100%!!!! i think bc the ppl in the bff2l category cant convincingly hate yn back LOL

“gets complimented on his lyricism often but like every song’s about you” STOPPPPP HES SO PERFDCT FOR THIS TROPE!!!!!

OMG I SEE EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN ABT SICHENG IN ROYALTY/CHAEBOL AUS... i think like u said it’s because of his poise & the way ppl are generally in awe of him but also bc of his reluctance to open up!! more reserved until he trusts u... funny and kind but sometimes perceived as aloof... those r some prince tendencies! “what are corporate businesses but modern day kingdoms” LMFAOOWJDJ SERIOUSLY THO

“mans really said i will not give you any onscreen idol personality to work with” HDJWJDJWJSJ LITERALLYYYY this is why i have trouble reading jaehyun fics sometimes bc sometimes they can feel “inaccurate” but its mostly just bc there’s no Standard Personality Stereotype to go off of. but a random & uncommon trope i think he’d pair well with is exes to lovers!! Yes im basically just a jaehyun + angst advocate.

“i think most of them would pair well with bff2l??” FACTTTTTTT and no im not just saying this bc its one of my favorite tropes.. heh... i think i told u this before?? but ur like the main reason i started enjoying e2l!!! i didnt like it before bc i love the PINING in bff2l but then i started reading ur works n was like OH SHIT! THERES LOADS OF PINING HERE TOO...

i think yangyang is not bff2l or e2l, he is in his own category which is Annoyer2Lover HDJWKDJ ex: troublemaker, wasted nights

OMGGGG I DID NOT EXPECT ROYALTY AU TO HAVE SUCH A LARGE LEAD IN THE SURVEY??? and cryptids is so low 😔😔 cmon guys, vampires r fun!!!

WE R LITERALLY WRITING ESSAYS TO EACH OTHER RN BUT I LOVE IT 🥺🥺 its a such a nice break to read ur response when im burnt out from studying!!

OMG IM GOING THROUGH #moonwrites AND IM LITERALLY AN IDIOTTTT IVE BEEN OFF TUMBLR FOR SO LONG I DIDNT REALIZE THAT ROMEO ROULETTE HAD A PREVIEW OUT????

“And I get what out of this?” “Me?” IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CHARACTERS PERSONALITY ALREADY LMFAOO

“—and when this whole game you’re playing is over, you’re going to say I rejected you.” ?!?!???? THE WAY JAEHYUN IS A LITTLE SHIT! THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE BOTH SO FUN PLSJWJDJEJ IM MORE EXCITED NOW!!

pls disregard the part in my last ask where i asked abt romeo roulette.... i had no idea all of the information i needed was sitting right in front of me 😔😔

- tata

WHAT 9 TO 5 ON EVERY WEEKEND???? the system has failed you this honestly feels like a villain origin story 😭 when does it get better???

ALSO let me answer the other asks separately for better readability lol we really out here writing essays GOOD THING i have practice writing but like. this is infinitely better to write 🥰

PLSSS SOMETIMES I WILL SEE AN EDIT/TIKTOK OF OIKAWA AND BE LIKE DAMN I REALLY NEED TO CATCH UP I MISS THIS MF also are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men bc i will do it without hesitation. wait till i watch hq again and get that atsumu brainrot with you he seems annoying enough for me to like ^_^

AND YES PLS I WAS SO ABSORBED IN IT!! extracurricular was the most gripping show i’ve watched in a while like yes enough teen romance give me two unhinged teenagers doing crime 🤩 AND OMG??? THAT’S WHERE WE SAW HIM TOO and although niragi was literally vomit-inducing human trash, sakurada dori is like. a good actor. except i hated coffee&vanilla which starred him it was literally so cringe i couldn’t 😭 i blame the writers for that though. IM EXCITED FOR S2 OF ALICE IN BORDERLAND THO i really like horror (and i can tolerate gore if ive been desensitized enough) and like i read the manga too!!! the games were really interesting (although morbid).

😭😭 MY NOTES APP IS FULL OF RECS FROM FRIENDS ALL OF THEM HATE ME FOR NOT WATCHING THE SHOWS BUT LIKE. i binge 3 or 4 at a time and strike them off and then go 6 months without watching a single tv series hhh.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I SURE WILL UPDATE !!! it’s so exciting to think about grad school sometimes :33

AHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT AND THE PREVIEW TOO SGSDJKDS there’s a few differences in the actual fic i think bc i changed up the language (and i dont remember what else bc i refuse to look at my writing) JAEHYUN RLLY IS A LITTLE SHIT he’ll be like hm yeah im pretty chill :) and then proceed to beat yn at her own game at times. (she wins mostly dw) the fact that i made her soulmate cha eunwoo like girl if i were you i’d crash their relationship 🥱 (jk) but like. jaehyun too is 🤩 despite being dry af

ASDKDSKDS YOU REREAD ALL (ALMOST) 19K WORDS ??? IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THAT FIC SM AAAAHHH IM FEELING LIKE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR 🥰 i loved runway yn too they were like boss attitude with 20% anxiety.

LOOK JENO BETTER BE PULLING MOVES LIKE THAT TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS 😤 if he hits himself in the forehead with the apple, bonus points bc that was true comedy (as invented by taemin)

AND YES. LIKE I KNOW MARK HATED DONGHYUCK SO MUCH HE WANTED TO LEAVE SM BUT LIKE HE’S TOO NICE WITH EVERYONE ELSE 😭😭😭 i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3

thinking about dejun getting rejected by a girl he wrote a song for. rip brother.

IM GLAD YOU PUT THAT INTO WORDS BC THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!! he’s got all of these regal qualities but he’s still human ykyk so it makes for the most amiable person on earth 😌 i love this characterization of him!!

oof exes to lovers with jaehyun... i had a similar idea a while ago (with theme song sincerity is scary by the 1975) that i discarded bc i don’t think i’m cut out to write that 😭 (YET) so i will keep this is mind. u r so right about jaehyun feeling inaccurate bc it’s like he’s very mild in personality onscreen sometimes?? so him having strong personality traits makes me go 🤔🤔 that man is overreacting. (jkjk but like you get the idea)

WAIT RLLY OMG BC OF ME???? i would never enjoy e2l irl bc irl dudes are 🤢🤢 and if they annoy me i will end them. but in fiction the mutual pining and initial disgust at yourself for liking the other??? helllooo 🤩🤩🤩 especially if it’s in a romcom style <3 bff2l is also better in fiction bc if the relationship doesnt work out irl and the person become uncomfortable with me i will just get annoyed jskshdl

LMAO YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT YANGYANG HE’S JUST THAT™ DUDE skgkhs he feels like someone fun to hang out with but he would annoy you the whole time. also he is cute 🥰

AND EXACTLY!!!! IM HAPPY FOR ROYALTY AUS BUT CMON. LOOK AT THOSE VAMPIRE TEETH. feel like media ruined vampires for people 😔 

THIS IS SUCH A NICE BREAK FROM STUDYING HONESTLY!!!! im like working on two semi-large projects AND studying course and out-of-course material simultaneously so my brain is a little fried. thank u for this 😘

[valehirvas]

Do you feel there are instances that are specifically "transphobia" instead of something like homophobia or misogyny? Like, i feel you've seen both the GC and QT sides takes on the application of that word (including takes such as "transphobia ain't real" and "transphobia is everywhere"), so what IS actual transphobia to you? And what are some things that are labeled as such but in your opinion is something else? (just in case, don't worry abt long answers! I love ur takes with other ppl).TYSM

I think transphobia as a phenomenom is primarily a combination of homophobia and misogyny - it all comes back to people fearing and loathing individuals who break gender norms. That doesn’t mean it’s not a real thing, though; ultimately homophobia tends to come down to misogyny, too, as it’s about men who lower themselves to the level of women, and women who deny their true purpose of being vessels for a man’s pleasure and offspring, and I highly doubt that anybody around here denies that homophobia is real. The same goes for transphobia. It exists. It is its own distinctive combination of prejudices and hatred that targets a specific subgroup of people as well as those who are perceived to be a part of said group. If transphobia wasn’t real or distinctive, we wouldn’t have words like “tranny” to show for it. We’d just be called the usual homophobic/misogynistic slurs. Instead, we’ve got plenty that very deliberately target us as trans individuals - not gay people, not women, but something “in between”, something despicable, ruined and freakish.

So yeah, we’ve got slurs. We’ve got my lovely combatants here on Tumblr mocking me for my “mutilated” body, my “arm penis” and my “axe wound”, both of which I apparently have at once. These are very specific forms of abuse targeting me as a transitioned trans person - not homophobia, not misogyny.

It’s a wide subject. There’s the kind of violence that primarily straight men dish out for us: corrective rape, “trans panic”. There’s medical malpractice and neglect such as doctors and nurses refusing to treat a patient because of their trans status, sometimes leaving said patients to literally die from a lack of care. There’s emotional abuse and ostracism, bullying, sexual violence because trans individuals are seen as a fetish, as pornish and always available. Job discrimination, housing discrimination.

Then there’s the wide array of things that are frequently claimed to be transphobia but really, really aren’t, like mean old gays not having sex with us. It’s been said a thousand times but you don’t do activism with your body and accepting, even defending a person’s humanity and rights does not equate to inviting them in as a sexual partner. This is ridiculous and disgusting. Purposeful misgendering falls under emotional abuse - this is prevalently used as a harassment tactic - but casual misgendering like a stranger referring to you with the “wrong” pronouns, or being perceived as your birth sex, is not transphobic. People owe us basic human decency, nothing more than that. It is very easy to spot the line where misgendering becomes a form of abuse and where it is innocent, and as people who simply are gender nonconforming, we have to cut the slack to other people in how they perceive and refer to us. It sucks sometimes, but it really isn’t that hard to forgive and forget. Most people mean no harm. I always assume best intentions when facing misgendering; it’s the other person’s right to read me as female, they don’t know me and they don’t owe me the time of the day to figure out. Furthermore, I’d rather not be asked in a casual setting. It’s easier to get out quickly than give details of my personal identity, medical history and sexuality to a stranger for no real benefit.

What else is there. A lot of things, really. GNC men and women being GNC and even “passing” as the opposite sex while not being trans is not transphobic. Everyone has the right to appear, dress and behave as they feel comfortable; clothing and gender play are not reserved to trans people only. We are not the sole heirs to the genderbending and genderblending lifestyle, even if we probably are the most hardcore participants in it. Besides, the fact remains that gender is a harmful construct: the more people we have breaking through the boundaries, the better. And no, evil cis people are not in fact stealing our only means for validation when they dress contrary to their assigned gender role. They’re helping us. Not everything is about our validation. Trans people have the right to live unharrassed, and in order to achieve that, we as a society have to build a world where everyone can dress and behave as they wish. Only then can we really be at peace. Sorry about your euphoria and validation, buddy, but they’re the sacrificial lamb on this altar. We all often have to give up something for a better world - progress is not painless.

That’s a lot already. Either way, thanks for the kind words!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

You're so right about the Will Roland fanart problems. It seems like back when Will Roland was only known for Jared people were way more proWill because he could be their funny meme boi who ate bathbombs but now that he's a lead with all these emotional songs it's like God forbid he's not their "twink bby". Idk it annoys me so much especially when people draw the rest of the Broadway cast and still use WillC or do an animatic with WillRs voice and WillCs character ugh like. Accept the Roland pls

lmao we are all just out here grabbing the mic like “attention all bastards: Look, just because will roland isn’t your ideal fancast for most adorable twink of the year - “

really like, i have never come across any signs of there having been any pattern in the deh fandom of ~taking issue~ with will’s Abilities to sing or play the part of a struggling teen or whatever like what crops up re: him being the lead in bmc.....it also is unsurprising yet disappointing that like, jared and alana are so easily completely ignored, but when they Are acknowledged it’s super flattened interpretations like, either they’re both hypocritical jerks (just based on evan’s gfy accusations basically lol) or if they’re actually viewed in a positive way it’s just like, alana is your friendly local Model Student and jared is memes and neither of them are in the way! :3

you litrally cannot ignore jeremy the Whole Entire Main Character tho and also like. can’t ignore the fact that caring about jeremy as a Romantique Lead is ahhh important to many ppl in the fanbase? so him being regarded as ~less cute~ is more of an Issue b/c the character must be taken seriously and is the sympathetic hero and has a lot more solo material / more of Any material / more focus than jared does in deh.........you Have To Look At Him and care about his actual feelings and not just misinterpret the character as “has no serious emotions b/c he doesn’t say serious things in a serious tone” the way ppl misinterpret jared. there’s the assumption that someone who is good / sympathetic should also be attractive / cute / Personally Appealing To Look At and that wasn’t as much a conflict when ppl didn’t think it was important to sympathize / care about / pay attention to jared too much, and the “conflict” of caring abt jeremy’s capacity for a romantic relationship but that’s less important if he’s not as Cute also not being as much an issue when most people don’t care about jared’s romantic feelings or think that they exist despite jared being in love with evan But Anyways

like it is wild the things people will just make up to “justify” their Dislike for will, which has only manifested as apparent Issues thanks to him playing jeremy rather than jared........there’s the classic “mm idk i don’t think he can sing that well” approach which like. some people are just trying to say they do not like the inherent descriptive qualities of his voice, which is more nasal obviously and don’t anyone come in here with the “Actually the Technical definition of Nasal re Vocals is” b/c we know what i mean, alright? nasal voices are not considered ~serious~ and there’s the kneejerk dumb-annoying-loser-nerd association. god knows that jeremy heere canNot have characteristics that could be automatically judged as irritating and unappealing. then there’s the notion that He doesn’t have the (vocal) range!! which like. do you honestly think they would cast someone who doesn’t have the correct range. you’re aware that will roland was being considered for the part of jeremy in the two river run up to the last round of callbacks. you know that the song that was literally written expressly to suit will roland’s individual voice and singing abilities makes use of his falsetto which people go “omg he can’t hit those high notes” except sometimes when they misattribute his falsetto to other singers they suddenly find it worth complimenting. and then you get people who like, want to subscribe to this softened version of it and get all backhanded like “oh i think will’s vocals are improving whew that’s good” in any random video and always Only single him out apparently like. did you think he gets worse with experience? you don’t wanna talk about any of these other professional singers improving or worsening or anything? only wanna give ur assessment of william’s huh

honestly i for real haven’t seen the 1.0 version b/c i’m here via will roland in the first place & i’ve never gotten the impression that there’s some Essential Content i’m missing out on by having only seen 2.0........but between a) people complaining that will r’s jeremy is Too Frustrated He Shouldn’t Be That Angry It Makes Him Less Sympathetic and b) saying just as a point of comparison betwixt the depictions that will r’s jeremy is more frustrated and c) i haven’t read That much bmc fic but people sure talk about jeremy being like five seconds away from bursting into tears at any given moment which like, okay yeah aren’t we all, but also i presume this stems from will c’s apparently Sadder portrayal of jeremy. i almost forgot where i was going with this one but i think it’s just that yeah people truly take issue with will r’s jeremy being more frustrated and it’s like you realize there’s no Right or Wrong portrayal / interpretation even if you prefer one for whatever reasons......theatre just is Like that.......you have a slightly different portrayal during ever performance even from the same actors, and you’ll often have different actors playing the role........yeah people usually are attached to the first performance they see / have that as their Standard and that’s fine, it’s just like, you don’t have to decide that’s an Objective view and that you have Objective issues with everyone else’s take. 1.0 is still there for you

uhhhh oh yeah and the whole Clout idea lmao......people really putting themselves out there shaking their heads at the supposed fact that will was cast for the off bway run to Boost Popularity b/c he was part of the deh obc......besides the whole thing that it’s hardly likely that would’ve been considered necessary anyhow, there’s the little thing that a) again, will roland had already been very seriously considered for the part even before will connolly was decided on for the original run and b) like.....these people had been collaborating for eons and you really think will roland only popped into their minds thanks to being in deh....and c) joe iconis has repeatedly said they specifically did Not want to cast people based on who was Known enough and whose names would be good for marketing and d) maybe anyone has noticed that the marketing never involved any mention of anyone in the cast? no? cool. and yet people like so truly think they’re Wise to ~real reason~ that they’d go and cast will roland as the lead. like people are making shit up and really just thinking it’s true b/c they Want it to be true b/c they Want to be validated in having actual contempt for will’s casting despite the “issue” being that he doesn’t seem as Likeable (worthy of sympathy...cough...) thanks to his deemed-unattractive looks and sweetly-adenoidal voice and more-frustrated portrayal all seeming less cute or whatever

and i mean i haven’t seen it crop up of late but the one particular Grasping At Straws ~justification~ for will being unworthy of the part thanks to perceived acting/singing incompetence which is soooo wild is when people are like “ough i Hate when he just holds his arms out when he sings” like fmslkdj if anything that’s just an individual quirk and the fact that it was something you noticed means you just latched on to it as potential fodder for “the fact i registered this information abt someone whose existence i Resent means it distracted me which means i hate it and it’s bad”...like another thing he does with his hands while singing is when he makes the loose claws and kind of half crosses his arms in front of his chest! where are the complaints about that?? nowhere, b/c people have not really processed it as a particular thing, so they can’t deem it a Particular Thing To Criticize. people sometimes Notice that his jared talks with his hands a lot, which will says is an acting choice that came from an unconscious tendency, but people really only bring it up to juxtapose will’s jared’s dramatic tendencies and nervous habits with sky’s jared’s more outwardly still and smoothed-over behavior. aka they don’t Complain about it or deem it a weakness / bad thing. and yet people caring about bmc are really jumping on that chance to be like oh ugh there he goes again, having a characteristic i associate with him as an individual, disgusting, can’t believe will connolly was murdered for this..

it’s a bit clearer too with bmc moreso than deh that people aren’t super willing to accept how will roland Looks b/c like, thanks to will connolly’s jeremy having the long hair thing you can Tell The Difference In Which Actor Is Represented when ppl draw the character even if the rest of the features are kind of “generic” (and how even the costuming isn’t a dead giveaway since ppl will draw connolly jeremy in 2.0/3.0′s outfits) and it even serves to specify the actor in writing format too if they mention the hair lol........and honestly?? this fact is one of the most damning things lol in that people the reason so many ppl continue to produce connolly-based jeremys is Not because for whatever reason they can’t / it’s too difficult to draw a will roland lookin jeremy......like a lot of the time The trait which serves to distinguish between the two is the hair thing. people are adopting jeremy’s new costuming and stuff but choosing to make sure we know that jeremy does not Look like will roland and the clearest indicator of this is the longer hair thing......which also means that for many people the main effort they’d need to exert to make it clear they’re drawing wrol jeremy would just be to....shorten the hair. And Yet!!!! it is apparently beyond people to do this

like uh nice on making a lgw animatic but really.........really we’re gonna take the song that is specifically from the 2.0 / 3.0 runs, so it’s obvious we’re Accepting that non-1.0 content, okay......and we’re Accepting will roland’s vocals, which, a person’s voice is a physical trait of theirs too, same as The Existence Of Their Body........and yet jeremy Cannot Look Like How Will Roland Looks, that’s too far, can’t do that. we can take material from the specific versions the actor was cast in, that material being a song written specifically for this individual actor’s voice, in the form of this actor’s actual vocals......but can’t have the depicted image of jeremy be based on this actor’s appearance..............of all the......

really all that it is is that more people find will connolly more attractive than will roland and this makes them feel like will roland Is Worse and then the people who just run with that either just embrace that and are crashing around on public forums saying Lol i hate him cuz he’s ugly lmao....and then you have people who don’t wanna do that but don’t wanna actually examine why they ~take issue~ with will being cast and so they’ve gotta leap on any Other things about him that feel more acceptable / Objective like oh the portrayal is “Wrong” (that’s not how this works) or he can’t sing well enough (yeah he can) or high enough (yeah he can) or he was stunt cast (no he wasn’t) or they wanna label every characteristic / trait they can think up that Isn’t his physical appearance as Annoying And Bad like. maybe stop and ask why you find it SO pressing that this other actor has the part and it Must be objectively inferior if not ruinous for reasons you gotta invent about him being incompetent cuz it’s better to make stuff up about how a professional actor isn’t good enough for a part than to say you don’t think he’s cute enough and are bothered by that

it didn’t matter as much to people when they viewed his character as either Just A Joke or Just A Jerk or flat-out disposable material. being attractive is for serious sympathetic beloved characters, natch

unfortunately jeremy can’t be written off as The Unimportant Meme Friend With No Real Feelings so now there’s a whole problem if an actor is not as cute

like b/c of the way he looks ppl can accept that a character played by will roland can be funny or can be rude or can really not be too important to take seriously / consider complex or sympathetic or likeable beyond being a walking Running Joke, but when it comes to a sympathetic main character whose emotional state is so important it’s practically assigned a character and who’s a romantic lead? now people have a problem with him looking the way will roland does

[maivalentine]

Why do “problematic” ships and characters appeal to us?

I really wanted to write up a long post on this subject, seeing the ever growing hate and even IRL bullying that occurs because someone likes a character or ship that is deemed “bad”. A lot of these people say they are abuse survivors and invalidate the feelings of OTHER abuse survivors and it’s really starting to get on my last nerve. A lot of people in fandoms commonly say things like “That doesn’t make sense to me” or “I dont understand it” or “they hate each other (as if we didnt know that already in canon)” .

Another popular thing to do is to claim we crave unhealthy relationships and glorify them to the point where mock posts and comments have been made about those of us that hate/rival ship characters.  Or, if we like an individual character that is a “bad person”. 

Coming from the stance of a physically and emotionally abused person - and from what I have seen in my own fandoms and other people who support characters and ships for the same reasons I do, this is an explanation as to WHY we like these characters and their dynamics. I only speak from my own POV and am in no way trying to paint a picture of everyone who can speak for themselves. 

1) Rival ships :

Why do people LIKE rivals together? Typically they are seen consistently competing and trying to show each other up. Sometimes it’s questioned if they even “like” each other, or if the rivalry ends the relationship ends. There’s several things people like about rivalry. There’s something really attracting about two people getting passionate about each other. At some point it becomes a routine - their routine. Often times the bickering starts out as legit teasing, that turns into friendly banter. There are a lot of people that love the idea of friendly bickering, teasing, and the dramatics of being someones rival. 

Sometimes this doesnt happen in canon. Sometimes we decide on a ship based on their character personalities and how we *think* they would act in a fanon reality. Others can perceive this TOTALLY different which is where the “not understanding” comes from. It’s kinda wilde but different chemistry appeals to different people. Unlike hateships however, rival ships tend to be really friendly. Not always, but usually. Rivals that turn to friends BUT STILL keep their antics is one of the most appealing things about their relationship(s).

2) Hateshipping:

Unlike rivalry (which can exist in hateshipping as well) these characters have made it clear in canon they DO NOT like each other, or have blatantly stated that they hate each other or even that they want to kill each other. The terrible misconception about those of us that ship these (personally, one of my favorite dynamics) is that we support abuse and we “get off” to bruised and beat up characters and we’re twisted. Now while I don’t think there’s anything WRONG with being attracted to that dynamic, for myself and many others I’ve seen in different fandoms, Hateships are NOT about abuse - and they are hardly ever based on canon events unless grabbed to use in fanon + AUs. Hateships tend to branch off from canon and form into fanon AUs where we see this chemistry working if x thing happened, or if x thing developed this way instead, etc.

Hateships aren’t all the same - sometimes we get clue-ins that the two characters are able to respect one another to a certain degree, sometimes characters start out hating each other and that changes, or sometimes they save the other’s life unprompted. Little things like that create more initiative for us to think “huh... this could work if circumstances were different”

A lot of time with hate ships, we see how the two characters personalities mesh together SO WELL even though sometimes they appear as total opposites. Like rivalshipping (which it grabs some similarities from) they have grown into a routine of needing each other in some strange way. And we LOVE to explore that.

Another big thing about ships involving hate, is that they are often written and drawn by fans as a couple that HEALS not a couple that ABUSES one another. It’s usually about healing and forgiveness - confused feelings, and really digging into how these characters really dont actually hate each other at all. The fun part is exploring their complicated relationship.

3) Problematic Characters:

*Characters that experience abuse, but have done unforgiveable things:

People tend to assume that liking a character like this means we glorify them, support what they have done (ex: murder, emotionally damaged others, acted out, caused physical harm to others) and fully support them to the point where we want them to be forgiven for the bad things that they’ve done. It varies for every character, but in most instances that is NOT the case. In fact it’s only a handful that call these types of characters “precious characters that did no wrong” and MEAN it. ( a lot of us joke abt it but arent serious ) 

Like I said at the start of this, as someone who’s been abused in both ways I feel like these characters deserve BETTER. Sometimes abused characters are unfairly treated in canon - they arent given help, their help is taken away from them, their abuse turns them into the awful person they are. We want them to have redemption - we want them to have a fair development. We want abused characters to have some understanding, some respect. We are not saying it’s OK that they physically or emotionally hurt others. We are saying we understand them -- sometimes their actions can reflect an abused persons *impulses* that arent acted on. Abuse pain and the inner turmoil goes deep. Abused characters usually end up with a terrible hand, shitty development, and usually die or never get a chance to be understood. 

*Characters that are mentally ill:

Similar to an abused character (sometimes characters fit BOTH) people think we are saying “theyre mentally ill so we should forgive them and support what theyve done” no . no . no. much like the abused character, we SEE how their illness has effected them and again -- how theyve received no help in canon. Thats why ships involving these characters often revolve around rehab, redemption, healing. Typically with both these types of characters we see glimpses of how they were a good person before their trauma effected them. And we want to see more of that person. We want that person to come to life. Because we almost NEVER see abused or mentally ill characters come out alive or with understanding. 

*Villains:  

I know a lot of people don’t grasp this still, but you can like an evil character just because they are just so GOOD at being bad. It doesn’t make YOU a bad person for liking them. It’s fictional and their actions effect no one in real life. Yes, bad content can cause a trigger or a bad feeling - it can hurt. But liking a bad character does NOT MEAN we support bad feelings // things that happen to REAL people. 

Villains tap into dark fiction and it’s PERFECTLY okay to love horror and twisted things in fiction. Not all villains are 100 percent terrible either. Some start as a villain and become a hero. Sometimes, the other way around (a favorite of mine). Nothing about liking a bad character means that you are a bad person. 

What’s relateable about a villain? They aren’t perfect. They have interesting character development and back stories. Usually very dark things have happened in their lives. Sometimes, villains can draw out sympathy whether you see it personally or not.

People need to respect the fact that not all minds think the same. Abused and mentally ill people, do not exist in some bubble where you personally get to decide what content is right and wrong for them to consume.

People joke about “coping” but it’s true - we DO use fiction to cope sometimes and there’s nothing wrong abt it. We DO enjoy the darker side of things sometimes and want to explore it in fiction. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it hurts NO ONE at all.

If anyone tells you that you are hurting them for liking a fictional character or ship, they’re full of shit, plain and simple. You CAN NOT hurt someone by liking fictional pairings and characters.

It is not your fault if content you like triggers someone. It is not your fault if someone doesnt agree with your personal taste. It’s not THEIR fault either. It’s no one’s fault for triggers (unless we intentionally are trying to hurt someone which is shitty dont do that) and uncomfortable feelings arising for simply enjoying something.

It’s an unfortunate thing - we all handle these things differently. But what we have to realize is that all content is consumed differently and we need to respect that. We need to kindly deal with what makes us hurt (and what makes us not hurt) in a respectful manner.

It does no good to claim people are “rapists” “pedophiles” or “support murderers” for simply liking a character or a ship. You can be disgusted. You can rant. You can vent. You can express yourself no one’s stopping you.

But lines are totally CROSSED when you personally attack a person (who probably experienced some abuse of their own - its ,more likely than you think) or even physically attack a REAL LIFE person over content that they like. 

People have been bullied at cons for liking characters like Goro Akechi or Nathan Prescott . People have been called horrible things for liking characters that are deemed “bad” by others. 

I’m not saying pedophilic or legit horrible content doesnt EXIST nor do I condone it (lines to be crossed here too tbh), but it takes a bit of common sense... a common sense a lot of attackers against “problematic” content do not have.

To end this I want to say the most mind-blowing thing to me is a person claiming to be an abuse survivor and then emotionally or physically attacking ANOTHER ABUSE SURVIVOR (or any other type of person really) over what characters they happen to like. That IS abuse. That IS harassment. And you ARE a part of the problem. 

You are not protecting us by hurting us (ABUSE SURVIVORS AND THE MENTALLY ILL) & others .                                                                                     

[unitedstatesvsdisbelief]

i’m... kind of annoyed. i’m just thinking about my cousin who i used to be very close with. incredibly close. i used to drive 3.5 hours away to see her & my aunt like AT LEAST once a month. sometimes twice or more. my cousin & i started really having issues probably 2016. maybe before but i couldn’t tell you, i don’t remember. i just remember her being SO personally offended by my political opinions starting specifically before & around the 2016 election. she always hated that i was a democrat and she always was very backhanded about obama but it wasn’t like, mean??? she just disagreed and would be a smart ass but like, not in a really hurtful way or at the time i didn’t perceive it as so. it got really personal during the 2016 election. it’s like every little thing i did and every single opinion i had she felt was a direct and personal attack on her. she deleted and blocked me on facebook, she would screenshot my political snapchats (which sometimes, i’ll admit, were posted with the intention of getting under her skin) i mean she literally just started to not like me?? because my opinions were so offensive to her. after having a close relationship with me all of our lives. like her political opinions to me?? deplorable, literally disgusts me to the very deepest pits of my core. SOME of her opinions literally made me feel unsafe, made me feel unaccepted. her treatment of me made me feel unloved. but i never once argued with her. i never once stooped down to her level. with every single fight she picked with me i just told her “hey, we don’t agree. that’s okay. we’re family, we don’t need to agree. agree to disagree.” before she deleted me even my own friends would stand up for me against her when i wouldn’t stand up for myself. if i didn’t fit this exact mold that she had put me in EVERYTHING i ever did offended her. it’s still that way. like no matter what i do, what i say, i’ll never be good enough for her. our relationship honestly hurt me more than almost any familial relationship i’ve ever had. she really made me feel inadequate and it really hurt me, all of it. i know logically that i am better off with out that kind of relationship in my life but there is a part of me that still feels incredibly hurt, incredibly small, etc. i don’t think it would even be so bad if it weren’t for her kids. i love those kids like they were my own. i still miss them every single day. genuinely every. single. day. if it weren’t for them, i don’t think being like ostracized by her would really bother me so much. i mean yeah it’d annoy me but not to the level it does now. now those kids think i am just another family member that doesn’t keep in touch, another family member that left them. and i hate that. it fucking kills me. bc i remember that shit from when i was a kid, with other family members. to go from seeing those kids more times than i could count a year to once in the past 11 months? it’s shit.

it’s not for lack of trying on my part. i’ve reached out to my cousin every single time i’ve been anywhere remotely close to where they live. left on read, radio fucking silence. could not be more clear that she wants nothing to do with me. she comes into town once every month or two to see her half sister (who i actually AM close with. despite the fact that she’s not my actual blood) but when they come in? she doesn’t reach out. hasn’t once tried to see me or my siblings. idk. i’m just harboring SO many bad feelings about her. i want to not care. i want to not be hurt, to not feel so worn down by someone who doesn’t think twice about my feelings. i have so many fucking feelings i’m sitting here at almost 4 am on the night before i have to get up for working writing PARAGRAPHS of it. she doesn’t even spare me a thought unless i’ve done something to offend her (like a few weeks ago when i was “disrespecting christianity” by posting a picture of the collection of jesus pamphlets we’ve saved up at my restaurant job from shitty/no tippers.

when i responded kindly, respectfully, offering up a genuine conversation over what she was accusing me of? left on read. never responded. she just wanted to fight. and that’s all it ever is really. all it’s ever gonna be again i guess. i’m not going to give up pieces of me to someone who would rather break me apart. the funny thing is i still stuck up for her all the time, if my dad says something backhanded. i still, despite how she’s treated me, have enough kindness in me to stand up for her. idk. like. cutting off her mom was different. cutting off her mom was like emotions sliced with a knife (we had a big falling out. she hurt me but due to her alcoholism. my cousin isn’t an alcoholic she just hates me because i’m

not who she thinks i should be. who she wants me to be. my aunt was just a fucking bitch. i cut her off the SECOND she hurt me. the moment she fucked me over it was over for us. i felt hardly anything. i miss who she used to be sometimes, sure. but i don’t dwell on it like i dwell on this. idk man, i’m gonna delete this in a few days once i read it all to my therapist lol i just really REALLY needed to externalize clearly. if any of you have any tips on how to not feel like shit bc your family is mean lemme know!! also to be clear, yes i hate her political views. but for family, there was still a piece of me who was willing to look past it, so that i could still be a part of their lives, of the kids lives specifically. idk if that makes me weak, or what.

if any of you /actually/ read all of this.. damn. you’re a real one. lots of love if anyone made it this far lol. sorry to clog ur feed with my bs

oh also one more bitch abt it all... she got mad at ME bc i didn’t tell her that i was bi. i came out on fb and to her mom (bc i was closer with her at the time) she made MY coming out about herself. and then tried to gaslight me when i was rightfully upset. i told her i wasn’t sure she would accept me.. which honestly??? isn’t crazy. with her views, the man she voted for. the president she fucking loves so much?? why would i feel safe coming out to her? god!!!! sorry i really will shut up now goodnight all