#when i need to so i don't have a meltdown and explode and lash out and hurt others.

[winchestersisterimaginessss]

request: can you do one where she’s breaking and she explodes on her brothers because they are trying to get her to open up but she doesn’t want to seem weak and scared. It’s not like her to yell or be aggressive towards them so they know something is wrong and it ends up in a meltdown.

A/N: Hope you like this! Requests are always open. Thanks!

Sam and Dean Winchester x Sister!Reader

The bunker felt like a suffocating cage, the walls closing in around you with every breath you took. You'd been holding it together for so long—weeks, months, years—but tonight, everything came crashing down. Every ounce of fear, guilt, and exhaustion, the constant strain of keeping up the facade, it all boiled over.

You were barely aware of the words tumbling out of your mouth, raw and jagged, a release of everything you’d been burying deep inside.

“Will you two ever leave me the hell alone?” The words exploded from your chest, jagged and ugly, as if you were trying to slice through the tension in the air. You turned, wild eyes flashing between Sam and Dean, your body shaking with a combination of anger and fear. "I don't need your fucking pity! I don’t need your damn help! Just leave me the fuck alone!"

It wasn’t like you to lash out like this. Dean and Sam both knew that. They had seen you angry, but never like this. This was different. The outburst, the harshness—it was as if all the years of bottling up every fear and every grief were finally coming undone, and they were getting the brunt of it.

Dean took a step back, stunned. Sam’s face mirrored that same shock. They knew you well enough to know this wasn’t you. You never cursed like this. You never screamed. You were the quiet one, the one who kept everything inside, who held it together even when the world felt like it was collapsing around you.

But now? Now you were unhinged, unraveling before their eyes. Your breath came in sharp, jagged gasps, and your fists clenched tight, but you couldn’t control the way your body was shaking.

"Sweetheart, hey," Sam said, his voice soft but filled with concern. "It’s okay. You don't have to keep it inside. If you need to scream, to yell, let it out. It's okay. We're here for you."

But those words—those damn words—just made you angrier. They saw through you. They always did. They knew you were breaking. And it made you furious. The vulnerability, the fear—it made you want to run from it. You wanted to fight it, to scream and shout until it went away, until you could pretend like everything was fine again. But it wasn’t. And it was suffocating.

Dean stepped forward, his voice low, trying to calm the storm inside you. "Let it out, kid," he said, his tone as steady as he could manage. "If that’s what you need, scream, yell, curse—whatever it is. We’ll take it. We can handle it. But you don’t have to bottle it up anymore."

It was too much. You couldn’t keep holding it back. You spun to face Dean, your hands slapping against his chest, frantic, desperate, angry.

“I’m NOT scared, okay? I’m not!” you shouted, your hands slapping his chest again, harder now, as if you were trying to force the words out of your body. "I’m fine! I don’t need you to fix me! I’m fucking fine!”

But it wasn’t true. You were so scared. The fear was clawing at your insides, and no matter how many times you screamed it wasn’t, the truth was still there, boiling beneath the surface.

Dean didn’t flinch. He didn’t get angry. He just... grabbed your wrists. His grip was tight, not painful, but firm enough to stop your slapping. You tried to pull away, to break free, but he didn’t let go. Instead, he held your wrists tightly, his hands steady against your skin, as if he knew you needed something to anchor you.

"Y/N...,” he said softly, the words filled with an understanding you weren’t ready to face, yet it was exactly what you needed. "I know you’re scared. I know you’re trying to fight it, trying to pretend you’re not. But you’re scared, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way."

The words sent a shockwave through you. You hadn’t realized how much you needed to hear that until he said it. But even then, the rage was still there, burning. You didn’t want to be weak. You didn’t want to feel small in front of them.

“I’m not scared, okay?” You repeated, but it came out weaker, shakier. You tried to wrench your wrists free, but Dean’s grip only tightened. He wasn’t letting you go.

“Stop,” he said, his voice a little sharper now, his grip on your wrists unyielding. "You’re not fine. You’re scared, and that’s okay. You’re not alone. You don’t have to hide it."

Tears welled up in your eyes, but you pushed them away, frustrated with yourself for even letting them come. "I’m not scared," you tried again, your voice cracking with desperation. "I’m NOT!"

Dean didn’t answer. Instead, his hands slowly moved from your wrists to your shoulders, gently but firmly pulling you toward him. And that’s when it happened—the floodgate opened. You melted against him, your body trembling as the walls you’d built came crashing down.

You let out a strangled sob, and the anger dissolved into fear, into pure, raw terror. Your chest heaved as you collapsed against his chest, trembling uncontrollably.

“I’m so scared, Dean,” you whispered, your voice broken and small. It was the first time you’d admitted it, the first time the truth slipped out. "I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m scared I won’t be enough. That I’ll lose everyone. That I’ll let you down. That I’ll lose myself."

Dean’s grip on you tightened, and he pulled you closer. His hand moved to the back of your head, gently guiding you into his chest, his chin resting on top of your head.

“I know, kid,” he said, his voice thick with emotion, soft but firm. "I know you’re scared. I know... but you’re not alone. We’ve got you. You’re not gonna lose us. You’re not gonna let anyone down. You’re gonna be okay, Y/N. We’re here. We’re here for you."

The words felt like a lifeline, like you were clinging to the only thing keeping you from sinking. Your tears came harder now, soaking into the fabric of his shirt as you buried your face into his chest. You felt his arms tighten around you, his heartbeat steady beneath you, grounding you, pulling you back from the brink.

And for the first time in what felt like forever, you finally let yourself be vulnerable. You finally let the fear show. And as much as it scared you to break in front of them, to show them that you weren’t invincible, you knew deep down that you didn’t have to be. Because, for the first time in ages, you weren’t alone.

“I’ve got you,” Dean whispered again, his voice low, steady, and filled with a quiet strength that seemed to seep into your bones. “You’re not alone, kid. You don’t have to carry it all on your own. We’re here. I’ve got you. We’ve got you.”

And somehow, in that moment, you believed him.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi, mbti-notes! ESTJ-friend-meltdown anon again. thank you for the good advice! i think that i will definitely try to be gracious if they ever want to open the door to having a conversation again… but yes, i think i agree that this is only if they want me and our friends to be their helpers.

for context though, if there were any further thoughts you had, you were on the money about them being the type to swallow their stress until it explodes. the primary sources of stress, as i understand them anyway, were external to us (financial, family, health, etc.) though.

speaking for myself also, the meltdown itself wasn't surprising. it was the way they chose to go about it, lashing out and then cutting off myself and our friends, that caught us off-guard.

in terms of immediately precipitating events, i did have a confrontation with them where an unusual-feeling scheduling conflict led me to pointing out that their behaviour had felt a bit erratic lately and that their intentions were confusing me. b/c of aforementioned bottling up, they often resort to passive aggression, and i felt i needed to ask for an explanation b/c it had finally gotten too hard to read and upset me. i asked for them to confirm whether they were trying to passive aggressively communicate something to me, whether they were just not thinking very clearly under stress, or whether our values/priorities were unaligned (and then whether this was something we could see eye to eye about, or was this a serious issue).

when they confessed to feeling under immense pressures, i believed them and switched gears to focusing on comforting them and assuring them that me and our friends would find ways to help and that their honesty meant a lot to me. when we parted ways, it was on a good note and with concrete ideas of ways to help with some of their load (ex. giving them food to take home to help minimize their stress about meal prep, etc.). i felt much better after that, and i felt empowered to focus on being a good friend to them - but this is where things have gone sideways.

when they came to me to cut things off, it was uncharacteristically vague and flighty and with outright refusal to explain themselves, almost implying that they believed i would manipulate them. they confirmed they had felt better after we talked too, but that others had convinced them otherwise. between the first asks i sent and this one, it has more verifiably come out that they are likely being encouraged to treat myself and our friends this way by someone who has apparently, unbeknownst to me, had a grudge against me for some time too. i definitely feel blindsided by this aspect, and i am processing a level of betrayal/hurt now. this has become altogether a rather strange and upsetting situation.

oh, also i should say thank you for taking the time to read through these messages and offer advice. i've been a follower of your blog for some time now and have learned a lot from it.

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Health and money problems are generally the most stressful kinds of problems because of how existentially threatening they can be. Existential stress eats away at the foundation of one's sense of self and brings to light the true extent of how fragile, weak, and vulnerable it is to be a mortal being. From what I've observed of inferior grip, one should not underestimate the power of existential stress to twist up people's thinking and behavior.

It's certainly unpleasant to be on the receiving end of passive aggression. Such behavior isn't uncommon, so it pays to understand why it happens, if you hope to help rather than hinder conflict resolution. Passive aggression is a sign that a person is bottling up their feelings, which means they don't feel free to express their truth and advocate for their needs.

There can be a variety of reasons why people don't feel free. Perhaps their parents silenced/shamed them every time they asked for something. Perhaps they were trained by teachers or authorities to be self-sacrificing and put others first. Perhaps it is a matter of stubborn personal pride and not wanting to burden others. Perhaps their feelings were never validated or constantly invalidated in past relationships. Whatever the reason, the main point is that they've met negative consequences for expressing feelings and, as a result, have come to believe feelings are a "disturbance" to be avoided.

Unfortunately, what they don't understand is that bottling up feelings and emotions doesn't get rid of them and even causes them to become more and more unstable. When feelings are minor or inconsequential, it's easy to set them aside, and this can be a good way to get on with life. However, if the root cause of negativity isn't addressed, negative feelings will generally recur. Recurring negativity builds up pressure in the mind and eventually forces a way out of the body, one way or another. At that point, feelings come out in a very distorted and even disturbing form, because the negativity has escalated to the point of hijacking the rational thought process.

Imagine how tense the mind gets when a person has very strong feelings to express but doesn't believe those feelings are allowed or even feels too ashamed to admit them to oneself. It's no accident that we describe emotionally unstable people as being "out of their mind". Emotional instability makes people highly vulnerable and more likely to fall victim to bad logic. Since they are desperate for a return to stability, they might embrace anything that brings some emotional relief, even if that something ends up being harmful. For example, they might accuse or attack, believe in conspiracy theories, do drugs, or get tricked into quick-fix schemes.

Whether your friend is being influenced or not, the most important point is that they are in a vulnerable and unstable state of mind. If you truly want to be of help, the key is to be a reliable source of strength and stability, rather than worsen their vulnerability and instability. You need to avoid getting triggered into being unstable yourself. It's not easy to accomplish this in close relationships. The people closest to you have the most power to influence you, so it's hard to stay strong when they're baiting you, pushing your buttons, lashing out, or being passive aggressive toward you.

For example, you could easily get pulled into a "competition" with this other person influencing your friend. You might feel compelled to counter their claims. However, this would result in your friend getting stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war. It would be very difficult for them to regain stability with two people constantly pulling them in opposite directions, each vying for power over their perception. You'd be applying even more pressure when what they really need is space away from pressure to sort things out.

My previous suggestion still stands. If you want to salvage this relationship, the best you can do is keep trying to be a good friend. Some general points:

- Maintain objectivity. This is especially important if you're being suspected of things like manipulation. Don't get baited into battles or drama because that would only "confirm" that you have some kind of ulterior motive. During communication, focus only on information gathering and learning the truth. It is necessary to understand as much as possible about their state of mind and their situation if you hope to discover good opportunities to move forward. If they're unwilling to open up, express that you respect their boundaries and leave it to them to open up when ready.

- Be affirming by validating their feelings. People feel what they feel, at least until they have reason to feel otherwise. Feelings reflect a person's truth, so it's futile and foolhardy to argue against feelings. It's possible to validate people's feelings without addressing the factuality of their beliefs. Express that you want to understand where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do. Invite them to speak and then listen without judgment. Whatever it is they say and no matter how negatively they put it, try to figure out what it is they really need, deep down, and work your way up from there.

- Be realistic and know the limits. There's a fine line between being assertive and being pushy. "Help" should not result in people feeling even more stressed. You ought to be assertive and offer help when you are in a good position to help. However, when you're not in a good position to help or they don't want your help, it's probably best to step aside and cheer them from the sidelines. Express how sorry you are that you can't help but still do what you can to help them access all other available resources.

- Be kind, patient, empathetic, compassionate, and forgiving. Always focus on the bigger picture of working toward a healthy relationship. Reiterate that, despite whatever negativity has transpired, your concern is always about ensuring everyone's well-being. Express that you value the friendship and would be open to reconnecting and resolving issues whenever they feel ready for it.

You have a right to your feelings, whether it's feeling confused, hurt, or betrayed. You have every right to maintain protective boundaries whenever you get mistreated. As ideal as it would be to seek resolution from your friend, timing is everything. They are obviously not in the right headspace to discuss the relationship in a constructive way. You either have to sit on your feelings until the right time, or find another way to generate closure for yourself.

[living-for-fiction]

I've been putting together a realization over the last several months, since I moved in with my girlfriend and metamours; and since an extremely close, important, but ultimately toxic relationship ended.

I love fiction. (No fucking shit, look at my username.) And when I get into a piece of fiction, I tend to latch onto characters that I identify with. Often they are my favorites - not always, but often. Rarely are they the protagonists or the good guys (on occasion they are) and, if they are the antagonists or bad guys, they are sympathetic. They tend to have a few things in common, though.

They're messy. They often have a good core, or once strived to be good people. Then they were badly hurt, usually for a prolonged period of time, generally by people meant to protect them. They began to hurt others, either intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes it was in search of a greater good; sometimes not. Sometimes they're redeemed; sometimes they aren't. But they tend to have these traits: either started out good or have a good core, which becomes buried very deeply under trauma; either starts lashing out from pain or making decisions that harm others in a misguided attempt to minimize pain; hurt and misunderstood, but also genuinely have committed atrocities that cannot be undone.

Lotor. Sam Winchester. Catra. Shigaraki. Toga. Castiel. Dabi. Angel Dust, to an extent. These are the characters I can think of off the top of my head that I've connected to like this recently (by recently I mean within like the last 12 years lol).

Anyways, I had a bit of a realization today when I made a throwaway comment about relating to Catra, and it's that... I don't, anymore. Not as strongly, at least. Oh, I have the strong memories of being so consumed in pain and self-loathing, of knowing that I'm hurting people around me and being unable to stop and sometimes bitterly feeling like I shouldn't need to stop because it's not fair that I have to hurt so much alone. Certainly an incredibly unhealthy way to feel, but I felt that way for... honestly, for most of my life. And I think that's a big reason why I connect with the characters I connect to; the ones who scream out their pain and who end up putting misery into the world, even if they started with the desire to put goodness into the world. Because that resonated with me.

And now, I can connect with that feeling more from memory than from actively feeling it.

I'm currently living in a place where I am accepted wholeheartedly, warts and all. Where the things about me that are strange aren't brushed off when they affect me, minimized, looked down on, anything like that. Where when something feels wrong, the response isn't "get over it" "that's not a problem" or "what the fuck is wrong with you" but "we'll figure it out." Where making accommodations is just part of the way we do things rather than some kind of big fucking deal.

Living in a household with three pther neurodivergent people, I no longer feel like no matter what I do I am HURTING others and like I have to repress parts of myself until I stop hurting them or explode and make things worse.

It's not to say it's a utopia. Four neurodivergent adults living together, of course there are times we run into issues - but that would be the case with four neurotypical adults living together. L has meltdowns, J doesn't always communicate well, S tries to take on everything herself, I have memory and sleep issues... but we don't treat these as moral failings. Because they aren't. We give each other grace and understand that no one is trying to hurt anyone else.

I don't have to feel like that hurt, broken THING screaming into an unhearing void and desperately trying to do good while hurting others with my coping mechanisms or even just by being myself.