#when i need to so i don't have a meltdown and explode and lash out and hurt others.

[0boko]

it is so, so difficult to have someone treat you like shit and then hear 'he can't help it! he can't control his body well!' like i don't fucking know that. it doesn't make it hurt any less.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi, mbti-notes! ESTJ-friend-meltdown anon again. thank you for the good advice! i think that i will definitely try to be gracious if they ever want to open the door to having a conversation again… but yes, i think i agree that this is only if they want me and our friends to be their helpers.

for context though, if there were any further thoughts you had, you were on the money about them being the type to swallow their stress until it explodes. the primary sources of stress, as i understand them anyway, were external to us (financial, family, health, etc.) though.

speaking for myself also, the meltdown itself wasn't surprising. it was the way they chose to go about it, lashing out and then cutting off myself and our friends, that caught us off-guard.

in terms of immediately precipitating events, i did have a confrontation with them where an unusual-feeling scheduling conflict led me to pointing out that their behaviour had felt a bit erratic lately and that their intentions were confusing me. b/c of aforementioned bottling up, they often resort to passive aggression, and i felt i needed to ask for an explanation b/c it had finally gotten too hard to read and upset me. i asked for them to confirm whether they were trying to passive aggressively communicate something to me, whether they were just not thinking very clearly under stress, or whether our values/priorities were unaligned (and then whether this was something we could see eye to eye about, or was this a serious issue).

when they confessed to feeling under immense pressures, i believed them and switched gears to focusing on comforting them and assuring them that me and our friends would find ways to help and that their honesty meant a lot to me. when we parted ways, it was on a good note and with concrete ideas of ways to help with some of their load (ex. giving them food to take home to help minimize their stress about meal prep, etc.). i felt much better after that, and i felt empowered to focus on being a good friend to them - but this is where things have gone sideways.

when they came to me to cut things off, it was uncharacteristically vague and flighty and with outright refusal to explain themselves, almost implying that they believed i would manipulate them. they confirmed they had felt better after we talked too, but that others had convinced them otherwise. between the first asks i sent and this one, it has more verifiably come out that they are likely being encouraged to treat myself and our friends this way by someone who has apparently, unbeknownst to me, had a grudge against me for some time too. i definitely feel blindsided by this aspect, and i am processing a level of betrayal/hurt now. this has become altogether a rather strange and upsetting situation.

oh, also i should say thank you for taking the time to read through these messages and offer advice. i've been a follower of your blog for some time now and have learned a lot from it.

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Health and money problems are generally the most stressful kinds of problems because of how existentially threatening they can be. Existential stress eats away at the foundation of one's sense of self and brings to light the true extent of how fragile, weak, and vulnerable it is to be a mortal being. From what I've observed of inferior grip, one should not underestimate the power of existential stress to twist up people's thinking and behavior.

It's certainly unpleasant to be on the receiving end of passive aggression. Such behavior isn't uncommon, so it pays to understand why it happens, if you hope to help rather than hinder conflict resolution. Passive aggression is a sign that a person is bottling up their feelings, which means they don't feel free to express their truth and advocate for their needs.

There can be a variety of reasons why people don't feel free. Perhaps their parents silenced/shamed them every time they asked for something. Perhaps they were trained by teachers or authorities to be self-sacrificing and put others first. Perhaps it is a matter of stubborn personal pride and not wanting to burden others. Perhaps their feelings were never validated or constantly invalidated in past relationships. Whatever the reason, the main point is that they've met negative consequences for expressing feelings and, as a result, have come to believe feelings are a "disturbance" to be avoided.

Unfortunately, what they don't understand is that bottling up feelings and emotions doesn't get rid of them and even causes them to become more and more unstable. When feelings are minor or inconsequential, it's easy to set them aside, and this can be a good way to get on with life. However, if the root cause of negativity isn't addressed, negative feelings will generally recur. Recurring negativity builds up pressure in the mind and eventually forces a way out of the body, one way or another. At that point, feelings come out in a very distorted and even disturbing form, because the negativity has escalated to the point of hijacking the rational thought process.

Imagine how tense the mind gets when a person has very strong feelings to express but doesn't believe those feelings are allowed or even feels too ashamed to admit them to oneself. It's no accident that we describe emotionally unstable people as being "out of their mind". Emotional instability makes people highly vulnerable and more likely to fall victim to bad logic. Since they are desperate for a return to stability, they might embrace anything that brings some emotional relief, even if that something ends up being harmful. For example, they might accuse or attack, believe in conspiracy theories, do drugs, or get tricked into quick-fix schemes.

Whether your friend is being influenced or not, the most important point is that they are in a vulnerable and unstable state of mind. If you truly want to be of help, the key is to be a reliable source of strength and stability, rather than worsen their vulnerability and instability. You need to avoid getting triggered into being unstable yourself. It's not easy to accomplish this in close relationships. The people closest to you have the most power to influence you, so it's hard to stay strong when they're baiting you, pushing your buttons, lashing out, or being passive aggressive toward you.

For example, you could easily get pulled into a "competition" with this other person influencing your friend. You might feel compelled to counter their claims. However, this would result in your friend getting stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war. It would be very difficult for them to regain stability with two people constantly pulling them in opposite directions, each vying for power over their perception. You'd be applying even more pressure when what they really need is space away from pressure to sort things out.

My previous suggestion still stands. If you want to salvage this relationship, the best you can do is keep trying to be a good friend. Some general points:

- Maintain objectivity. This is especially important if you're being suspected of things like manipulation. Don't get baited into battles or drama because that would only "confirm" that you have some kind of ulterior motive. During communication, focus only on information gathering and learning the truth. It is necessary to understand as much as possible about their state of mind and their situation if you hope to discover good opportunities to move forward. If they're unwilling to open up, express that you respect their boundaries and leave it to them to open up when ready.

- Be affirming by validating their feelings. People feel what they feel, at least until they have reason to feel otherwise. Feelings reflect a person's truth, so it's futile and foolhardy to argue against feelings. It's possible to validate people's feelings without addressing the factuality of their beliefs. Express that you want to understand where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do. Invite them to speak and then listen without judgment. Whatever it is they say and no matter how negatively they put it, try to figure out what it is they really need, deep down, and work your way up from there.

- Be realistic and know the limits. There's a fine line between being assertive and being pushy. "Help" should not result in people feeling even more stressed. You ought to be assertive and offer help when you are in a good position to help. However, when you're not in a good position to help or they don't want your help, it's probably best to step aside and cheer them from the sidelines. Express how sorry you are that you can't help but still do what you can to help them access all other available resources.

- Be kind, patient, empathetic, compassionate, and forgiving. Always focus on the bigger picture of working toward a healthy relationship. Reiterate that, despite whatever negativity has transpired, your concern is always about ensuring everyone's well-being. Express that you value the friendship and would be open to reconnecting and resolving issues whenever they feel ready for it.

You have a right to your feelings, whether it's feeling confused, hurt, or betrayed. You have every right to maintain protective boundaries whenever you get mistreated. As ideal as it would be to seek resolution from your friend, timing is everything. They are obviously not in the right headspace to discuss the relationship in a constructive way. You either have to sit on your feelings until the right time, or find another way to generate closure for yourself.