#when he finally allows himself i’m sure this dude can get well past 600

[dolcinos]

[floatingcatacombs]

In Praise of the Blonde Twink who May or May Not be a Trans Girl

12 Days of Aniblogging, Day 3

There’s been something in the air recently. Last year, the New York Times’ fashion magazine published an article titled “Welcome to the Age of the Twink”, a 600-word LGBT hitpiece arguing that a new wave of “art twinks” are redefining what it means to be an ideal male. The author argues that the term “twink” is being broadened past just gay culture and we should slap it on every slim attractive straight white dude that we see in order to overturn toxic masculinity. Because there’s nothing more revolutionary than, er, fairly conventional western beauty standards.

The internet promptly responded by shitting on the author’s brazen attempt to export twinkness to the straight world. I too think it’s an awful take, but I get the feeling there was a satirical bend to the article that got edited out or otherwise miscommunicated. After all, the author is a gay man; why would he misrepresent and diminish his own community like that?

The broadening and appropriation of LGBT terminology is a touchy subject, so I’ll save it for another day. If taking gay terminology and morphing it into new definitions is en vogue nowadays, I’m happy to join ranks with Nick Haramis and add new meanings to “twink”. Let’s talk about twinks as Schrodinger’s trans girls.

Unfortunately, I have a type when it comes to media, and it’s twinks who I can project transness onto if I desire it. These characters are beacons of androgyny, male-at-birth characters with some connection to femininity via their appearance or their actions. Often, this connection is left unclear by the end of their series, leaving plenty of room for me to imagine “OK so they’re totally gonna be a girl for real now”. This archetype has proven a very useful crutch for me over the years. For so long, media about cis femininity was too intimidating and distant for me to even dream of consuming. During that time, I read lots of manga and played lots of games starring androgynes, allowing myself to project onto them as well as project their character onto girlhood. (see where this leads by transitive property?) Also, a lot of them were blonde (I’m not gonna read into this! My hair is closer to brown tho). With that out of the way, let me rip my heart open and highlight some of those twinks that I’ve latched so strongly onto throughout the years.

 Kuranosuke from Princess Jellyfish

I’ve written a whole writeup on Kuranosuke, so if you’ve read that you should know where I’m coming from! Kuranosuke is graced with natural femininity and a desire to perform it, and lands himself into a situation where he must pass on a daily basis while designing fashion for the girls of the Amars house. Kuranosuke’s crossdressing is both effortless and extremely laborious, but it always pays off.

Kaito from Himegoto: Juukyuusai no Seifuku

Himegoto is one of the messiest mangas I’ve ever read. Three characters spiral around each other while desperately trying to negotiate their orientations, gender presentations, and livelihoods with each other and with themselves. Kaito is the standout for me – a ‘guy’ who crossdresses in a desperate attempt to ‘mirror’ his ideal image of femininity. Kaito radiates extremely eggy energies, and it’s increasingly obvious as the plot goes on that all his justification is elaborate smoke and mirrors for his desire to simply be a woman. He begins by projecting his feminine ideals onto his tomboyish friend, but by the end of the manga it all comes collapsing back onto himself. The epilogue leaves it rather ambiguous, but one can only hope that Kaito figured it all out by then. 

Alucard from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night  

Symphony of the Night is one of my favorite Castlevanias and maybe games of all time. I’ve always been in love with its hand-in-hand elegance and jankiness. Unlike Kaito and Kuranosuke, we’re going to have to stretch out of the canon to justify this placement, but I assure you it will be worth it. In Symphony of the Night, Alucard is a tall deep-voiced bishounen and that’s that. However, the eva problems classic “YOUR ASSHOLE DAD’S CASTLE IS BACK AGAIN” adds a sickening new twist onto the game: what if Alucard wanted to be a woman? This article retraces the full plot and route of SOTN, adding extra backstory and inner thoughts showing Alucard’s visceral bodily discomfort and twisted-up jealousy towards the female monsters of the castle. Eventually, she takes those terrifying first steps towards accepting oneself as a woman. It’s one of the most effective recontextualizations of a piece of media that I’ve ever read, and I’m not afraid to admit that it reassured and helped me with my own transition a few months down the line. Plus, the idea of Alucard But A Girl is somewhere near my ideal aesthetic. 

Ryo Asuka from Devilman

--devilman spoilers--

Ryo is a bit of an oddity. A total weirdo, he doesn’t particularly demonstrate femininity throughout most of the series beyond just being kind of fluffy and cute in the 80s OVAs. However, this all changes in some of the final chapters, when Ryo is revealed to be Satan in disguise. Though every Devilman adaptation has a very different artstyle, Satan’s designed has remained the same: an androgynous fallen angel possessing both breasts and a penis. There’s a lot of associations and implications to unpack there, but I’m not going to do that in this article! While it doesn’t necessarily recontextualize Ryo’s human existence, he sure still is a twink with some Gender happening around him.

  Venus from We Know The Devil

Ok, this one’s just a girl! No questions about it! Someone get her some hugs and a bottle of estradiol, stat!

Honorable Mentions:

Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 2

As much as I love slapping the “GIRL” label onto any blonde twink I can find, Raiden’s MGS2 arc of intense emasculation works way better if he's actually a guy. If there’s any further gender stuff happening with Raiden, it’s actually to be found in MGS4 and Metal Gear Rising, in which Raiden sheds his twinkish flesh to become a way more masc cyborg ninja. As The Cyborg Manifesto teaches us, cyborgs are one hell of a post-gender tool. Honestly, reading Raiden as FTM may work way better than parsing him as a trans girl, I just don’t have the specific background and ability to do that headcanon justice.

Lio Fotia from Promare

Promare was maybe the first time I saw a blonde twink character and didn’t  immediately think it might be better if they were a girl. Amidst all its discussions of immigration, racism, and climate change, Promare finds time to be real gay, in a delightfully masc4fem way. Together, Lio and Galo stretch the full spectrum of male presentation, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from them.

 So that’s that! I hope you enjoyed the lineup of twinks who are dear to my heart, and maybe learned a thing or two from my ramble at the start.

[andromytta]

Pandora’s Box

Author’s Note:  Written for https://literallyprentissstwin.tumblr.com/post/175019628133/literallyprentissstwins-600-followers  @literallyprentissstwin

Character: Dr. Spencer Reid. Prompt: "Please, just let me go."

This challenge was all about angst, and as readers of my Supernatural fics know, I'm an angst whore, so I was really excited about this challenge! That being said, not only is this my first Criminal Minds fic, but I was also coming off of a three week long stint of writer's block, so while constructive criticism is always welcome, please be gentle! Haha.

Extra special thanks to my Beta, @jrnytthpst, without whom this fic would still be foundering without an ending!

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478173

Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss paced back and forth in front of the table in the interview room.  The suspect, a diminutive woman with dark hair and dark eyes, looked even smaller huddled in the uncomfortable chair.

“Just because you have the right to remain silent doesn’t mean we can’t still arrest you for five deaths,” the agent said.

“Please, just let me talk to Spencer.”  That was all the woman had said since they brought her in an hour ago.

Prentiss left the room without a word.                                                                    

“Emily, did she tell you why?” Dr. Spencer Reid asked as soon as his boss walked out of the room.

“She hasn’t said anything.  She keeps asking for you.”

“So let me talk to her.”

“No.  We can’t let an agent interview his girlfriend who is a suspected serial killer.”

“She’s not…she’s not my girlfriend.”  He dropped his tall, slender frame into the nearest chair with a sigh.  He dropped his head and his gold curls concealed the emotion in his deep brown eyes.

Before anyone could say anything else, a giant moose of a man blustered into the BAU.  His expensive, well fitted suit was slightly rumpled as if he just pulled it on.  He ran a large hand through his shaggy brown hair as his hazel eyes took in the room, barely acknowledging Spencer as the other man looked up at him.  “I’m Sam Wesson, Ms. Kwon’s attorney, and she won’t be answering any more of your questions.”

“I’m Emily Prentiss, Unit Chief,” Emily introduced herself.  “You’ll be pleased to know your client hasn’t answered any questions yet, Mr. Wesson.”  Her derision was well hidden under her professionalism.  “Right this way.”  She led the attorney to the interrogation room.

When the door clicked closed, the young woman looked up, her chocolate brown eyes glassy with tears.  She didn’t even try to hide her surprise.  “Sam?  What are you doing here?”

“Rose called me.  She said your boyfriend arrested you?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” she corrected.

“Whatever. Just because you choose not to define your relationship doesn’t stop the rest of us.  We have eyes, you know.  Why are we arguing about this again?  What happened?”  He dropped into the seat across from his friend.

“Did you see Spencer?  I need to talk to him.  I need to explain…”  Her words trailed off as she stared into space.

“Paige!”  Sam’s stern tone brought her back to the present.  “What the hell is going on?  They’re saying you shot five men!”

She blinked and looked up at him.  “I did.  But I didn’t do anything wrong.  I shouldn’t be here, Sam.”  As her emotions started to bubble, her accent became stronger.

“Paige, you’re not making any sense.”

Worried she wasn’t using the right words in English, she repeated herself in her first language.

“You’re not making any sense in Korean either,” Sam said.  “What do you mean you didn’t do anything wrong?  You just told me you did kill those men.”

“Please, Sam.  I need to talk to Spencer.  I need to explain.  I’m not like those bad people.”

“No way. You can’t talk to an FBI agent who could have you locked up for the rest of your life.”

“Sam, they can do that anyway.”  Paige was suddenly weirdly calm.  “They found the weapon in my flat, if I can just explain myself, then they can see that I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?”

“It was him, Sam.  It was him.”

“Who was him?  You’re not making sense again.”

Paige dropped her head onto the table with a quiet thunk, her dark hair cascading over her face.

“Fine, if you don’t want to explain, I’ll figure it out for myself. I’m not going to let you go to jail. Rose would never forgive me.”  Sam got up and walked out of the interrogation room.

When Sam made his way to the bullpen, Spencer looked up at him eagerly.  “Well, did she say anything?”

“No.  Can I see the case files?”  Sam asked, and when Spencer just looked at him suspiciously he added, “I’m going to have to ask for them during discovery anyway.  If you show me now, I might be able to figure out what happened.”

“Fine,” Spencer said, resigned.  He retrieved the files and practically dropped them in front of Sam.  The most recent victim’s information was on top.

“Ezekial Ward.  Hmm, this guy looks familiar.  Single dad looks like he was a real family man.” Sam muttered, almost to himself. “Wait, this guy is familiar.  He and his son would stop at the girls’ café after his soccer games.  He was always flirting with Rina.  It doesn’t make sense.  Why would Paige shoot him?”  He looked over at Spencer like he had any answers.

“How should I know?  I didn’t even know she owned a gun.  We’ve been hanging out for months.  How did I not see this coming?”

“Hey, man, don’t beat yourself up.  I’ve known Paige for years and never would have guessed…” Sam tried to comfort the other man.

“But I study serial killers for a living.  How could I not know I was dating one?”  Spencer slammed his hands on the table and jumped up from his chair.  “Sorry, Sam.  I didn’t mean to yell.”  He ran a hand through his light brown hair and strode from the room.

Sam continued to peruse the files.  The second to last victim was Balthazar Freely, a club owner who always treated the beautiful people to free drinks, and then there was Raphael Bonds, a business man who did little to hide his affair with his secretary.  Before him was Michael Keyes, a man with a long history of domestic abuse.  Finally, the first victim made everything clear.  Nick Vincent, a frankly awful human being who used to be Sam’s best friend and Paige’s boyfriend…until he attacked her.  The pieces clicked into place for Sam right as Spencer all but slammed a cup of coffee in front of him.

“Dude!” Sam exclaimed.

“Sorry.  I’m just frustrated.”

“It’s fine,” Sam said. “Look, you shouldn’t beat yourself up. There’s no way you could have seen this coming.  There are things about Paige you don’t know.”  He stood up. “Come on, we should go talk to her.”

They went back into the interrogation room.  Sam set the files on the table.  “Turn the video camera on, and flip that little switch so your boss can listen,” he said to Spencer.  “We’re going to plead not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect.”

Paige ignored Sam. She looked up at Spencer with pleading eyes.  “Spencer, I-I didn’t do anything wrong.  Please, please just let me go.”

“You killed five people. I found your gun when I went back to your apartment to get my scarf.  It was still covered in blood spatter.”

“They were bad men.  I was protecting people.”

Sam sat on the table and pointed at a file.  “You guys study single event imprints?  Stressors and triggers, right?” He asked Spencer.

“You know we do.”

“This guy, Nick Vincent, that’s the stressor.  He came into the café a few months ago, and I’m guessing that was the trigger.”  Sam turned to Paige.  “Why don’t you tell him about Nick?”

“You know I don’t talk about that, Sam.”  She whispered to her hands.

“It’s the only way you’re going to convince anyone that these men deserved to die,” Sam spoke quietly, calmly, even though inside he was freaking out.

Paige started to draw patterns on the table with her fingers, as much as her cuffed hands would allow anyway.  “We dated for a while…when I wouldn’t do what he wanted, he attacked me and he took it…I don’t want to talk about this anymore!”  She stood up, kicked the chair out behind her.  “He came into the café, into MY café and acted like he belonged there. He shouldn’t come near me anymore. So I made sure he couldn’t.”

“What about the other men?” Sam asked.  If Paige had just killed Nick, he probably could have gotten her off on self-defense, but the others, there was no reason for them.

“They were bad men. They hurt people.  The second guy, Michael, he hit his spouse.  Raphael was cheating on his wife with his secretary…”

“What about Balthazar and Ezekial?  You knew them.  They weren’t bad men.”

“Balthazar tried to get people intoxicated to sleep with them.  Ezekial wouldn’t leave Rina alone.  They needed to be stopped.”

“My client doesn’t need jail time.  She needs help.” Sam stated to the room.

“PTSD triggered delusions aren’t all together uncommon,” Spencer added, trying to remain professional. “Especially if someone never dealt with their trauma.”

Meanwhile, Garcia was working her magic and trying to find out everything she could on all the men that were killed and Paige. The thought of seeing Spencer lose yet another woman close to him was unbearable. Flashbacks of Maeve being killed filled her head as her fingers danced on her keyboard. First, she verified that everything Paige said about the men were true. Boy howdy was it but that was just the tip of the iceberg for most of them.  Next, she looked into Paige’s past beginning at her birth in Korea. It started to look like Nick wasn’t the single event imprint. She picked up the phone to call both Rose and Rina.

Rossi and JJ were finishing up searching Paige’s apartment both fearful of finding nothing and everything. Technically, the only thing required to arrest her was already at the BAU and it was Spencer that found it. Why didn’t she even try to clean the blood spatter off the gun? The carelessness of it all spoke to a deep seeded problem even more severe than the first victim that Paige’s lawyer spilled the beans on and to which Emily called to catch them up. They were looking for anything to prove how abusive Nick might have been to Paige when they got the call from Penelope.

“Paige, what aren’t you telling us?” Spencer pleaded with the girl who was not technically his girlfriend.

“What makes you think there’s any more to say beyond what I’ve already said?” Paige solemnly looked up at him begging him to end the questioning.

“I just can’t believe…. can’t see…. this isn’t happening.” Spencer left the interrogation room completely distraught unable to form coherent sentences to the thoughts racing in his mind.

Technical Analyst, Penelope Garcia quickly strode into the BAU announcing that both Rose and Rina were on there way to help shed light on what made Paige snap. Further, she excitedly proclaimed that JJ and Rossi found the missing puzzle piece that the two women alluded to existing. Seemingly the best place to hide the truth was in a secret vault behind a framed selfie she printed out of her and Spencer. Hiding the truth from the man she was falling in love with was paramount because she feared that he would runaway and sever all ties if he learned the truth.

Rose was the first to arrive and she found Sam Wesson speaking with members of the BAU about his client. As soon as he saw Rose he jumped up and yelled, “Why didn’t you tell me long before now that Paige never sought treatment for Nick’s abuse?”

A look of sadness, fear, and self-loathing filled Rose’s emerald green eyes. “Sam, she did seek out treatment and I thought successfully completed it. The thing is her treatment had nothing to do with Nick. Her experience with Nick brought all of the previous trauma to the forefront. She was getting better and doing everything the therapist instructed her to do. Everything was going well until Nick showed up in her Café unannounced.”

“Wait are you saying that Nick wasn’t the only person that abused Paige?” Dr. Reid and Mr. Wesson both said in near unison.

At that very moment Rina arrived with her own piece of the puzzle. She pointedly looked at Reid and desperately asked him if he had noticed Paige wearing a locket anytime recently.

“Rose, what happened to Paige? Who was it?  As long as the statute of limitations hasn’t expired….” Spencer was starting to say when Garcia yelled at him to answer Rina.

“I…hmm…maybe.” Dr. Reid started with adding, “she did recently start wearing scarves every time I saw her even when it wasn’t cold outside. I asked her about it once and she said her thyroid levels must have been off again. I had no reason to not believe her and just shrugged it off. Wait…I think I do remember seeing a chain peaking out from the top of at least one of the scarves….”

Rose and Rina sighed as if one. They knowingly looked into each other’s eyes debating what and how much to say. It was then that Rossi and JJ entered with the final puzzle piece.

JJ spoke, avoiding eye contact with Spence. She broke up unable to actually utter what it was that she and Rossi found in Paige’s apartment, David picked up where she left off.

“Spencer, I’m not sure how to explain this to you but behind the framed picture Paige took of you guys was a vault. Inside the vault were diaries and a locket. Inside the locket was a photo of a baby girl.”

“Let me read the diaries. I can read them far faster than you can and articulate what is in them,” Spencer said as he walked towards Rossi.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that kid.” Rossi somberly said, looking Dr. Reid in the eyes.

“Well what is, what did they say, what did she write, am I going to lose her like I lost Maeve?” Spencer blurted out, thrown together like a single thought.

Rossi looked to JJ and just as JJ was about to speak Rose and Rina both chimed in with bits and pieces of Paige’s story.

“Life in Korea isn’t the same as in America,” Rose began. “Their laws are different and their sense of justice, especially when family is involved, is nearly nonexistent. Not all of Korea is like that but in this case Paige’s family is both related to and friends with law enforcement there.”

Rina picked up where Rose faded out, “Paige’s father was a very bad man. He would beat the kids and his wife, but Paige took the brunt of it. It wasn’t just the abuse he forced on his family….”

“Her father slept around too,” Rose continued. “He slept with the secretary at the police station and there were stories that he raped young girls as well.”

“There was one girl he most definitely raped,” Rina sadly continued. “The photo of the baby girl in Paige’s locket is her baby girl and her father is also the father of the child.”

Sighing Rose continued, “The baby girl was named ‘Mugohan Salam’ which is Korean for innocent one. Paige called her Mugo for short. Mugo lived to be six months old when her father shook her to death. He couldn’t’ stand the thought of anyone finding out about her existence. Especially after his sister sent her DNA off to a facility to look for ancestors. He couldn’t risk that happening with Mugo one day.”

“It was after Mugo’s death that Paige fled Korea and came to America,” Rina continued. “She kept that photo in the locket, a rattle, and a small hairbrush to remember her baby by. As she began her journey to becoming an American citizen she also sought therapy. Part of her therapy was to write down her life’s journey into private diaries. I found one of the diaries she accidentally left out at the café one day and asked her if what she had written was true.”

Neither Sam nor Spencer could believe their ears. How could Paige have kept that all secret and how did she think anyone would hate her for telling the truth?

Suddenly, Spencer pulled up the file that Garcia had pulled on Paige searching for the address of her father. Next, Dr. Reid pulled up international flights looking for the fastest route to Korea. Emily saw what he was doing and immediately told him that he can’t do that.  He needs to think about his career, his life, and about Paige.

“I am thinking about Paige, that’s all I’m thinking about. I take full responsibility and will make sure that the BAU cannot be charged with anything I do.”

“As your boss I cannot let you do this. If it means keeping you safe and on this side of the world then I will have to put a protective detail on you until the case is over.”

“Emily, please….please just let me go.”

[invinciblerodent]

ellie's opinions on her family 👀 👀 👀

HOKAY I have cracked my knuckles and I am ready to Go

ME:A SPOILERS AHOY

On Brooks P. Ryder

dude how much time do you have

no I’m serious you could go take a 600 year power nap, and when you woke up she would still be singing odes about how much of a perfect and adorable little shithead her baby brother is

because yeah, Brooks may just be only two minutes younger than her (he insists it’s just one minute, he is lying, or at least she will say that to her dying day), but Ellie still thinks of him as both a very, very small child who is in need of her Constant Sisterly Supervision, as a badass and capable space soldier solely responsible for accomplishing the one thing no drill sergeant has ever done (which is teaching her how the hell to operate a gun effectively and without knocking her teeth out), and as... sort of a competitor.

The thing is with them, we headcanon that Alec Ryder sort of expected only to have a son, and treated Brooks kind of as a legacy project. Papa’s Little Soldier. He received all the attention (that he did not want while his sister ached for it), he was pressured into becoming a soldier despite his distaste for it (he too is more of a scientific mind and he was already dreading the reputation of being “Ryder’s kid”), and overall, he was mostly the poster child for the perfect boy dad wanted. And that annoyed Ellie to no end. As a result of that, she didn’t turn on her brother, but she developed a relentless competitive streak that stemmed from her constant need for appreciation and validation- which didn’t work out so good, but she put up a great fight.

Her relationship with her brother is layered, and somewhat odd in the way that while they both deeply envy one another - Brooks because she got the freedom to design her own future and study what they both wanted, and Ellie because he -at least on the surface- reluctantly shared the bond with their dad that she desperately wanted -, they are still each other’s greatest support. While she was away at university, beside the sporadic calls home, she only kept in touch with Brooks via the weekly data bursts, and even growing up, they got along like two peas in a pod. (He might just be the reason she is so into classic sci fi and old movies- it used to be commonplace for one of them to walk into the other’s room, plop down on the bed with a bag of chips, and just pop in a random season of Stargate, as a signal that means “I am feeling sad/hurt/angry, please just sit with me for a while and keep me company”.)

((I have yet to discuss this with @thecoraharper, but I like to think that that may have been the context in which they came out to each other as well? Like, they were watching “The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman”, and one of them just said “... I think I’m bi” and the other, through a fistful of ketchup chips and without even looking up, just said “dude me too, high five”))

Alec K. Ryder

Alright, to be fair throughout the game, her opinion on her dad changes basically by the hour.

The plot starts with her thinking of him mostly as a distant, larger than life figure to whom she has to look up- he isn’t always right and he’s not good with emotions, but he is a father easier to respect than it is to love, and he’s a damn good leader. She envies both Brooks and Cora for having that connection and that insight into his character that the military life and serving by his side allowed them.

Then, when he sacrifices himself for her, she is... confused. Lost. Intimidated. Touched, and maybe a bit flattered, and secretly, that thought is a source of weird comfort for her- she thinks that, if he cared enough to choose her life over his own, he must have loved her more than she had realized, and she feels guilty that she saw his distance as uncaring.

But slowly, as she learns more and more about the things he was hiding... that feeling becomes uncertain. She is still confused, but mostly she is... feeling some mixture of disappointment, betrayal, and a weird, almost morbid hunger for the truth that is difficult to pinpoint, but impossible to ignore.

She is put off by the truth and feels that initial image of quiet dignity and hidden affection slip away from her as that desperate, and in the end, morally questionable reveals himself.

And then, the last memory... that is when the veneer crumbles. As soon as the thought that he not only valued their mother’s emotional state more than her actual life, he also put them both through the pain and the trauma of losing and mourning their mother... all the uncertainty and confusion crystallizes into a dense, dark, powerful ball of anger within her. Anger (”I can’t believe he did this to us”), then despair (”I can’t believe he cared about me so little”), then insecurity (”he never even believed that I could do this” -> “he was always right about these things before” -> “maybe I can’t do this”).

I think she never fully makes her peace with his memory, and it will become a sensitive, barely healed, raw wound that is torn open very easily.

Dr. Ellen Ryder

In short, she is... unsure about how to feel now.

In the past, before she “died”, Ellie was of course closer to their mom than their dad, but Ellen’s illness really put a weird seal of finality on it all from the moment she was diagnosed.

Basically, with the prolonged suffering, Ellie had the time to process it all slowly, and essentially, bury her mother (with the feelings of abandonment and hurt over her mother) before her death. That was the only way she could remain strong, if for no other reason, then for her brother. To be the rock he can lean on, and the one strong enough to say goodbye and escort him out of the room so neither of them have to watch her die.

I say this quite a bit, but I headcanon that to get rid of emotions, Ellie runs a lot. She resorts to repetitive actions and physical exertion to clear her head, and in the few months following Ellen’s “funeral”, she ran a lot. Lost a scary amount of weight. Threw herself into work.

And then, life went on. Slowly, the pain faded, and gave way to monotony. Soon, she stopped perching her textbook on the treadmill and running into nothing every night. Soon, she got her master’s degree, and soon after, her phd. Soon, everything became normal, and soon, she stopped missing her mother every day, and got used to thinking about her in the past tense.

And now, after having processed all that and stepping forward, Ellen is thrust back into her life. Seeing her in that pod was truly like seeing a ghost, and she... simply no longer knows how to think of her mother anymore. She’s, on one hand, confusingly elated that she is alive, but on another... it’s like this woman is not even her mother, you know? Because her mother, she buried. She stood there, saluting beside her brother and father, when Dr. Ellen Ryder’s body was jettisoned into the vast Nothing of space, and afterwards, she mourned her, for long months... and her brain is simply locked between not being able to accept those months of pain all having been for naught, that her father would have been cruel enough to lie about this and subject his kids to the pain of losing a mother when they didn’t have to, and... she isn’t even sure, honestly.

But there is a large part of her that secretly dreads the day Ellen awakens from cryostasis.