#when arguing always be the loudest and biggest which isnt good because if i snap during a small argument it could get into a bigger fight
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ISTG I wanna ramble on to somebody about ghost and pals but it'd all be gibberish :/
#...........................................................................................................................................#secret vent lol#idk why i get so mad at myself easily#like- id be patient and reassuring to other people#but to myself?#ha#my dad implemented all these expectations into my brain that i cant get over and beat myself up over#heres a list:#everything has to be perfect#i cant make any mistakes#if something bad happens its my own fault and i should fix it if not im a bad person#i should take care of others more than myself#if i dont make it i should just be better#if i cant find something quickly then im irresponsible#and if i cant live up to other peoples expectations then i should work herder#it never matters how hard i work#my arms could be falling off and he would just tell me “work harder”#and then a few things i got off him that he didnt like that contrasts with what i was taught#when arguing always be the loudest and biggest which isnt good because if i snap during a small argument it could get into a bigger fight#fucking violence do i even need to explain? he was violent so i became violent (sadly :c i dont wanna be like him)#inappropriate language he always cussed while yelling and i kinda adopted that#and manipulation i dont like doing it and sometimes i do it unwillingly and then i beat myself over it like;#“i should let them make their own decisions but i can't help it i probably shouldnt even be here in worse for them”#and then that leads to me cutting off contact with a bunch of people#i dont wanna be like my dad but i cant control it i really wanna be better ive been trying to get better#but i dont know how i can#this was how i was raised#i tried to change how i act to fit other people#ive made up a whole fake personality where i have a normal family and im always supportive and shit#that isnt me i wish it was but it isnt. im a terrible fucking person and i dont know why i even exist!!!
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