#when I realised I hated myself for it I chucked it in a bin bag when clearing my room | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

your-high-lady · 5 years

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Realisation

Disclaimer: I don't anything except for the plot. All credit goes towards Sarah J Mass.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Chapter 8: Oh Feyre.

"Fuck. Fuck. Shit!" I immediately looked up and around when I practically shouted that, but thankfully no one was around and I couldn't hear any footsteps either. I sighed in relief before reluctantly looking back down at my drawing.

I'd drawn Rhys. I'd drawn him. Rhys!

"Oh for god's sake!" My hand dashed up to the top of the page and I began to tear the page out. But then I stopped.

For the first time since I'd opened my eyes, I actually saw what I'd drawn. It was the profile of Rhys's face. His arrogant smirk was there too, presumably because that was the most worn expression on his face and it was how my mind remembered him. But it was his eyes that caught my attention. Or, more specifically, the lines under his eyes which were paired with sadness in the eyes themselves. Lines and sadness caused by days and days of stress—and maybe crying, too—sat right under his eyes. Though his smile was wide, lifting his sharp cheekbones and making him look very handsome, the anguish was there. I suspected no one would have even noticed unless they looked closely enough.

I instantly wondered then why I had noticed the lines. It's not like I was looking closely, right? Right?

Right, yeah, totally.

Damn me.

—

Saturday.

It was finally here. I woke up this morning feeling unusually energetic and happy. In fact, I was feeling so buoyant I decided to make blueberry pancakes. Once Mor had woken up, I sat her down at the small round table we were using as a dining table and made more pancakes as she ate them. At least four huuuuge pancakes later, I finally heard a groan from behind me, and I turned around to find Mor shaking her head at me, her hands held over her stomach. I chuckled at her and nodded in understanding. Mor gave me hug from behind and went into her bedroom, while I made myself some more pancakes before turning the stove off and settling down into my own seat to have my own breakfast. I'd just had a couple of bites before Mor came out dressed in her gym clothes. As she put her trainers on, she said, "Thank you so much for those pancakes but this body isn't this good on its own." I laughed and waved her on as she gave me a flying kiss and exited out of the front door to go on her daily run. I assumed she would be out longer today so that she could burn off the extra fat. Once I'd washed all the dishes I decided to go into my room and just do some drawing and maybe some colouring too before I started cleaning the whole house.

It only took me about ten minutes to lose myself in my drawing, and then another thirty to realise what exactly I had done. In the forty or so minutes I'd been drawing, I'd done three sketches, and was now in the middle of colouring the second. Looking at the page beneath my fingers, I found Rhys's eyes staring back at me. It was a bit disorienting because one of his eyes was only half done and none of them had the silver flecks but still. Anyone who knew Rhys would know these are his eyes.

But would they see the sadness in them, I wondered. Because I could still see it. But beneath the sadness was also beauty. True, natural beauty caused by years of laughing and smiling and happiness. What could've happened to him, that caused that beauty to be overridden by such subtle grief? Were his arrogance and attitude also another result of what had happened to him? If anything happened to him. Maybe he was just like that. Sad, snobby, annoying.

But the beauty. It was so stunningly breath-taking and unique. I'd never seen anything like it and all that did for me was make Rhys's eyes even more special. I knew what I'd drawn was nothing compared to his real eyes. I still remembered them as if they were branded to the inside of my eyelids and every time I blinked or closed my eyes, they would flash before my eyes.

His eyes were singular. They couldn't be recreated. It was physically impossible.

Hearing a shout outside my window, I jumped before looking outside to find two teenagers throwing water balloons at each other, screaming with excitement. Shaking my head as I turned away from the window, I realised where my thoughts had been going, and immediately ripped the page out of my book, balled the paper up and chucked it into the dustbin in the back corner of my room. I stared at the bin for three very long seconds before jumping out my bed and fetching the paper-ball out of the bin. I unravelled the paper and tried flattening it out on the wall, before giving up and just sliding it into the thickest of my school workbooks. I snatched up my wireless headphones from my desk and turned up the music so loud that I couldn't hear my own thoughts, which were all about sharp cheekbones, arrogant smirks and bright purple eyes, and started cleaning the house.

—

I'd just turned the vacuum off when I heard the front door open and close. Mor came in with a shopping bag in her hands, and when she caught me looking at them curiously, she smirked and wriggled her eyebrows around in a cheeky way before heading off into the kitchen. Her voice trailed behind her, "Go have a bath Feyre, you stink. I'm gonna make you the best chicken wrap you'll ever have." And just as those last few words escaped her mouth, I heard a thud which was promptly followed by Mor's cursing. Shaking my head, a light chuckle escaping my lips, I put the vacuum away before heading into the bathroom and using the hot water to calm my nerves, which had instantly come back when I'd turned the music off. I guessed it was only going to work as a temporary distraction. Well, that sucks.

—

Groaning, I quickly swallowed my bite and turned to Mor. "These are amazing, Mor. How did you make these?" It was around two in the evening right now, and we had settled in to watch a movie, while we ate the "best chicken wrap that will ever reach your lips." I'd given her a strange look when she said those words, but she'd just given me the finger and set off to put it all together. And needless to say, I was surprised. Very surprised. She gave me a wide smile and said, "You like it?"

"Yeah, I like it." I scoffed. "How the heck did you make these?" But, being the annoying ass she is, she just smiled even wider and shook her head, turning back to watch the TV screen. I huffed in annoyingness but accepted the fact that I'll never be able to make these wraps on my own. Soon I was engrossed into the movie and lost track of time.

—

We were running late. Rhys would come to pick us up at seven so that gave us about forty-five minutes to get ready. We quickly took turns in the shower, did our makeup and everything, and chose our dresses, with Mor helping me a little in those last couple departments.

Sighing, I looked at myself in the mirror. Mor was scrambling around the room trying to find her shoes, but it was easy to ignore her. Bringing my eyes back to my reflection, I ran my eyes over my outfit. Grey, plain except for simple thin lines running up and down and side to side, wide pants paired with a light blue sweater. The knitting was beautiful, the simple swirls and patterns a part of the knitting. I was warm and covered. The outfit did nothing for my figure; I liked it that way. I didn't want anyone to notice me.

But you want Rhys to notice you. I cursed at that small voice in the back of my head, shoving it even further away. I hated that part of my brain. I didn't want anyone to notice me. I didn't want to date. I didn't want to kiss anyone. I didn't want to be in any relationship with anyone except for Mor and my family, and that was only because I knew they would never betray or hurt me. But Rhys, Cassian and Azriel. Though all them seemed really nice—Rhys, less than the other two—I couldn't bring myself to trust any of them completely, no matter how safe or happy or even how hot they made me feel. I didn't want that. Not now, not ever. Not after him.

My thoughts made the anger came back. Ever time I thought of him or what happened that night, my blood boiled with anger. How dare Tamlin give Dagdan, or anyone for that matter, the permission to take me away? As if I were an object, something to play with. I was not something to be played with. I would not ever be played with again. I decided that, at that moment, as I stared at myself in the mirror.

The doorbell fell rang, and I opened the door. Rhys, who had knocked on the door, nodded at me in greeting. I nodded back, swallowing back my thoughts about all the sketches and drawings I'd done of him. As I locked the door behind Mor and me, she got into the car. I noticed Cassian, Azriel and another woman, who Azriel later introduced as Amren, were already sitting in the car. Cassian was right at the back, with Azriel and Amren in the middle row and now Mor had just joined them…which left the front seat empty. The passenger seat next to Rhys.

I got butterflies in my stomach as I forced myself to keep my face straight as Rhys opened the door for me. I noticed his hands come up but thankfully they went back down without touching me. He probably didn't want a repeat of our first handshake. Once I was settled in, Rhys headed over to the other side and soon we were off. I didn't know how long the drive was, but I could hear Cassian, Azriel and Mor conversing not so quietly between themselves. I didn't particularly feel like talking to Rhys, so I turned around to look at Amren, who was gazing out her window. "So, Amren. Tell me a little about yourself." I said, a small smile lifting my lips. Her head turned to look at me and I sucked in a small breath, surprised—and honestly, intimidated, too—by her molten silver eyes. In the light coming from outside, I could see that Amren was thin with shoulder-length black hair that gleamed in the light. She was pretty, but unlike Mor and her friends, her face bordered on plain. While I found Mor's friends intimidating because of their beauty, Amren intimated me with her… aura. Though I didn't really want to think that about Amren, she kinda terrified me.

But then she smiled, and instantly I felt a whole lot more comfortable in her presence. "I'm majoring in law. I'm finding it really fun, so far. I really hope I can get somewhere with that. But I'm sure you don't care about that. Have you ever tried cheerleading? It's sooooo much fun. You should really try it…" And just like that, I spent the next fifteen or so minutes of the drive talking with Amren and getting to know her really well. Just as Amren was about to tell me a funny story about her boyfriend, Varian, Mor shouted, "Karaoke! We need to do karaoke!" Immediately Cassian and Azriel piped up with their own excited yes's, which apparently was enough for Mor because she quickly came up to the front, jabbed her finger at the screen on the dashboard, before hopping back into her seat. Seconds later, Ariana Grande's strong voice poured through speakers.

It was just Mor and Cassian's voices filling the small space until the chorus came and, surprising me, Rhys joined in too, his soft voice and humming, reaching my ears.

Ain't got no tears left to cry

So I'm pickin' it up, pickin' it up (oh yeah)

I'm lovin', I'm livin', I'm pickin' it up

By the end of a few more songs, Azriel and Amren joined in too, leaving me as the only person not singing.

And of course, Rhys noticed.

They sang a couple more songs before Rhys gave me a cheeky smile, which he tried to suppress by biting his lower lip. Unfortunately for me, that just made my stomach churn even more and I had to turn my face away. Seconds later the music went quiet and got replaced with Rhys's alluring voice, "Mor, have you been hearing Feyre's voice?" He raised his eyebrows at her reflection through the rear-view mirror. She frowned and turned to look at me, her eyes narrowing. I noticed Cassian smirking and though I was sorely tempted to stick my tongue out at him, I just narrowed my eyes at him, before turning back to Mor. 'What?" I snapped.

"You haven't been singing."

"No. I haven't."

"Rhys, would you be so kind as to tell our lovely Feyre what happens when someone doesn't participate in my games." Her shrewd eyes didn't move away as she said that. I turned to look at Rhys, and he glanced over to me before looking back at the road and smirked. "Well, Mor, it depends on the game, but in this particular situation, I think we all agreed that the person would have to sing at least two or three songs on their own."

"Oh, that's right." Mor mock-gasps in reply, before saying to me, "I guess that means you're on your own now, Feyre." She shrugged innocently as if she had no idea what effect she was having on me. My narrowed eyes transferred into a small frown. "I don't want to sing," I said, quietly. I really didn't. I didn't feel like attracting any attention. But then I felt someone's hand come and rest on mine. I just barely resisted the urge to slap his hand away as I looked up into Rhys's violet eyes, and was once again blown away by just how mesmerising they were. I could truly get lost in the beautiful depthless. "Do you want me to sing with you?" He asked with a voice as quiet as mine had been. I gave him a small nod, and he turned his gaze to Mor. "Play the Jonas Brothers, Sucker." She smiled in triumph before quickly pressing a few buttons on her phone. And just like that, Nick Jonas's voice started pouring through the speakers. Rhys sang the first two lines on his own before raising his eyebrows, his head bobbing along with the music. I sighed quietly before opening my mouth up.

—

Twenty minutes later, I was laughing and probably singing the loudest out of everyone in the car. After that first song, I'd gotten a bit more confident and since then my voice had only raised in volume, and when I didn't know the words, I hummed along with the tune. It was the first time I'd truly let go since that terrible night back in Auckland. I was happy: I was letting myself enjoy this time with Mor and her friends. I was glad I was still capable of laughing and having fun because I'd seriously started wondering whether or not I would ever be able to fully let myself go and just enjoy the pleasures of life. I was glad I'd let Mor convince to come along. I was glad I was laughing.

But behind those thoughts was the thought of why I was having so much fun in the first place. Rhys. He'd made me feel less nervous. The butterflies in my stomach had been replaced with a different type of butterflies when he touched me. Heat had spread across my whole body, especially through my core. I'd had to squeeze my legs a little to alleviate the pressure that had built up between my legs. I'd long accepted the fact that Rhys could do that to me. I just put it off to his looks though, every time it happened. There was no other reason for it.

AN: Did you like it? I know I say this every time, but I hope you liked it. Feel free to leave a review or any feedback/forward you have for me. Everything is appreciated. Thank you for reading, hope to see you soon, next time. XOXO

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elevenhoursinfront-blog · 6 years

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21st December 2017

The alarm went off. I was sad. This is it. Our East Coast trip had come to an end. What an experience.

We didn't have time to reminisce. We had to have breakfast and get packing. The entire van needed cleaning and we needed to try and fit everything that we had accumulated into our backpacks again. The next hour or so was going to be dreadful.

Steve sat and chilled whilst I went on a mad one emptying the van as good as I could. Steve started to help and eventually we finished. We had bags and bags full of rubbish. I was leaving so many clothes and shoes behind. We wanted our bags to be as light as possible. I struggled to get everything into my bag, like I do every time we try and pack... I had a lot of clothes that I didn't want to throw away and wanted sending home. I put them into a cardboard box that I kept from Melbourne where Mum had sent me stuff over. My plan was to go into the post office in Sydney to send it home. Fingers crossed.

Steve eventually squished everything in, our bags were packed, the van was back to it's original state. The table was up and it was time to leave Canberra. We were showered and ready to go. I started the drive. We were off to Sydney which was another few hours away.

We drive back up was a bit weird. We were quiet. It was strange. I don't think we realised what was going on. We were really excited to get back to Sydney mind you, we loved Sydney a lot. We were also booked into our favourite hostel – Mad Monkey Kings Cross. We started our journey there and we were ending our journey there too... How lovely.

After 2 hours worth of driving, I had to pull over. I was busting for a wee. Steve checked on the maps where the next services were and we pulled over. I ran into a KFC to wee. You know when you're busting so much you're not even sure you're going to make it to the toilet... That's how I was feeling!

I come out of the toilet and noticed Steve ordering food. I laughed a lot but I wasn't surprised. Only Steve... I didn't feel hungry at all but I asked him to grab me some popcorn chicken just in case. I asked Steve if he could drive now as I didn't want to do anymore. He had 3 hours to do now. He laughed at me and said that I did hardly any of the driving this trip. I did agree to half and half today but what is the point in driving another 30 minutes for us to pull over and swap? No point whatsoever!

We eventually pulled up to Sydney. We were in the area where we had to give the camper van back so we looked at how far away the post office was... 3 roads away. Perfect! We drove there first and we jumped out. I sent my box off and it cost $50. A lot less than I thought it would be. It was going to take around 3 months to get home which was fine. It was summery stuff and it's winter at home. I wasn't going to need it.

Next, I was going to wet myself. Steve had to rush over the road to get me to a McDonald’s before I did actually wee in the camper van which would've been typical for us as we were about to give it back... I ran in fully expecting to find Steve in queue as I got out.. I didn't, he was still in the van.

We pulled up at the camper van place and started to empty the van. I think we were really sad, tired and a bit stressed. We were arguing like cat and dog. I took all the food and drink into the reception area to put in the 'free bin'. Hopefully other people will find use of our old rubbish. We also left our table and chairs. We bought them separately as it was cheaper than hiring it with the van. Top tips!

That was it, all done... Our van was given back and our East Coast trip was over. 5 incredible weeks, 4306 kilometres and 23 amazing places. I was so sad. We both were. But I was so excited to get to our hostel. I had been messaging Sam for a while and she sorted our room out for us.

Steve and I were walking to the bus stop with our bags on our backs again. Steve hated having his bag on, it gave him the hump. To be fair, the first ten minutes are fine. After that, you question why you pack anything other than underwear! It really does hurt your entire body.

We got to the bus stop after about 10 minutes walking and trying to run across a main road... I hoped more than anything that I wasn't going to trip over. I wouldn't have been able to get up, I would've been like a turtle stuck in a shell!

We got on the bus and it was 1430. We had about 30 minutes worth of travel on that. After that, it was the tube. It was pretty straight forward for us, but I guess that's because we knew where we were going. We knew Sydney so well. I sat on the train with the biggest smile on my face. We were going to our favourite hostel, in our favourite place!

I pretty much rain from the tube station to our hostel. I even ran up the 3 flights of stairs. I jumped at Sam as we checked in! How exciting! We had our catch up and I noticed someone we had seen before... The two girls from our Fraser Island trip! We weren't friendly enough to say hi but they definitely recognised us. They were the girls that stayed at the same campsite as us afterwards. How strange. Small world as they say.

We checked into our room. We were in 2C. It was a 12 bed. We went inside a there were loads of empty beds. We picked the two closest to the door. It wasn't right under the aircon and it wasn't next to the toilet. Perfect. I just hoped that the door wasn't going to be opened and shut constantly but you can't have everything, especially in hostels.

We chucked our stuff away and headed out. We had to go to Westfield’s to pick up Steve's sunglasses before the store shut. We walked to the tube station and jumped on 2 stops to Town Hall. We luckily still had our Opal cards with money on. Ca-ching!

We went to the Specsavers we were told to go to. We explained the situation to the staff member and gave her the card. She went away to collect his glasses. We sat and waited. She came back over and said that we must have the wrong store because they didn't have them. Steve just went 'bang' and went mental. He asked whether the number on the card was correct for this store and she said 'I don't know'. Steve said “How do you not know the number of your place of work?!”. Eventually, she went to look again after realising that it had to be the correct store.

She found his glasses and Steve walked out. I apologised on Steve's behalf for going crazy at her. She said it was okay. I bet she was fuming though. It wasn't her fault but she did act slightly stupid.

It was late so we grabbed a bite to eat in the food hall. I took loads of photos of the Christmas decorations on our travels home. Sydney at Christmas was beautiful, and hot. There were thousands of people around! It was so busy. I'm even sure it's busier than London at Christmas.

We got back to the hostel and chatted to Sam for a while before heading up to our room. There was nobody else in our room when we checked in but I'm sure that's going to be different when we head up now...

It was full of girls. Steve was the only male. I'm sure he liked those odds until they all started getting ready to go out! We had two American girls next to us. They were on their 'vacation' – not backpackers. They were really nice. We told them what we thought was worth visiting here and what to skip. They ended up going out, like everyone else. Steve and I had one plan and one plan only.

Sleep! I was on the top bunk. Oh how I don’t and won’t miss you!

Goodnight world.

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