#whats most insane to me is how nothing has changed about lily in 20 years

[chemtrailactivist]

pov you're listening to courtney drop pre-internet lily lore

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts part 37

chapter 56:

1. 😦 they.. they put a mask on sirius? they put him in azkaban?? my boy!! no!

2. 😭😭 sirius having already killed three guards tho. i love him

3. “Bastards they may be, stupid they are not.”

4. “At least he gets the sound of his own voice, though, which is a huge improvement in his opinion.”

he’s so funny i love him. he’s a murderer! he fell in love with a servant! he loves the sound of his own voice! he’s demisexual! he volunteered for regulus twice! he likes wood carving! he called the random guard “stuart”! he convinced the head gamemaker to change the rules so he can keep his brother and best freind! he continues to obnoxiously sing when face to face with riddle!

no one is doing it like him, i fear

5. “"Sounds like you've had a shitty week," is what Sirius says, finally, when he can bring himself to speak.”” 😭😭 he’s so bold. my dear, you are chained in front of the most dangerous man in the world and you tell HIM that his life fucking sucks. my dear. the ABSOLUTE GALL you have

6. “"I need not lie, Sirius."

"Yeah, that's what liars say."”

my DEAR

7. “”Kneel down on the floor before me like a dog and beg."”

i prefer this out of context. but in context, it’s riddle being an absolute bitch to sirius. like excuse you.

8. “Sirius Black is many, many things, but a peasant before a king is never and will never be one.” A-FUCKING-MEN

9. 😮 did sirius just BITE OFF A CHUNK OF RIDDLES ARM??? praise be

10. marylily?? marylily??? MARYLILY??? going feral at any and all hints towards them

11. “"I like your legs," Lily says stupidly, because her brain and mouth have disconnected briefly, apparently.”

bbg i’m in love with you 😭😭

12. aww any mentions of petunia from lily break my heart

13. lily being so desperately in love with mary is my new drug

14. REMUS AND LILY FALLING RIGHT BACK INTO ROUTINE WITH BEING OBNOXIOUS TO EACH OTHER >>>>>>>>

15. “Lily gave him his [cigarette] first in six years days ago, and he'd coughed through the whole thing, then smoked five more back-to-back.”

16. “A stranger is just someone you haven't met yet. What do you call someone you knew better than yourself that you no longer recognize? A ghost?”

wtf wtf wtf that’s insane to write. lily and remus did NOT deserve this

17. “Lily has never known a Remus afraid of freedom, and Remus has never known a Lily afraid of love.”

18. “because they're still two bodies and one heart after all this time, if nothing else.”

that is beautiful and i’m forever grateful of the way the marauders fandom puts emphasis on the importance of friendships. like, this isn’t about a romantic couple. that is said about FRIENDS. friends got that description of their love for each other.

19. the fact that their friendship is so close, remus can REACH INTO LILY’S bra (to grab a cig) and she’s just upset cause his hands are cold.

20. crying actually, cause of all things to break me this chapter, it’s the fact that sirius and effie smoke together

21. oof i have a bad feeling about how dorlene is gonna end up

22. 😦😦 marlene gives the ring back. wtfffff damn that hurtsss

23. “”I am telling you this explicitly, right now, if you shoot your shot and fuck up in any way, I will let her pick a part of your body to take as a trophy, then remove it and give it to her. Still interested?"

"Even more so," Rodolphus says, wiggling his eyebrows. "She's got crazy friends, too. That's hot."”

me fr 😌 give me insane bitches (oh wait. maybe IM the crazy person)

24. 😳 practically fifteen seconds of flirting and he and barty decided to go fuck. that’s fucking insane. IS THIS HOW ALLOS ARE??? LIKE THEY CAN DO THAT??? (not all allos obviously, but some can do that??)

25. the way servants (slaves) are treated in the hallow make me angry beyond belief. like, seething white hot anger

26. FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!!! THEY FIXED JAMES’ EYESIGHT AND IM SO FUCKING PISSED

27. riddle tortured sirius and lemme jsut say, if someone told that to remus and regulus, the war would be over in a day flat

28. “The odds are not in Riddle's favor. If you ask James, he'll bet on his people every fucking time. It's not a game of chance, or luck, but a game of faith—and James has that in spades.” james’ loyalty is probably my favorite character trait of his

29. honorary authors note mention: “also lmaooo sirius literally in prison and still killing people 😭 he really said: you put me in prison, im gonna commit crimes, duh 🙄 he's everything to me”

30. honorary authors note mention pt 2: “rodolphus "i will hit every step on the crazy ladder if it kills me" lestrange living his truth and getting with the most insane, available people he meets every chance he gets””

[itsthemysterykids]

Any Camp Camp episode… Just any one

*Mess Hall: Ford is giving a tour to cloaked figures who are carrying clipboards*

Ford: Let me just say it's such an honor to have the Camp Critic Committee visit us again. You know, after last year’s incident... Which I really want to apologize for that again, and if you were wondering, yes, Dib Membrane did survive, physically speaking. But, a lot has changed since then! And I think that this year you will see that Camp Mystery is truly, without a doubt, the prime candidate for the "Camp of the Year Award"!

CCC: *They begin to take notes*

Ford: … Right, well we've got a big day of outdoor activities planned, but as you know the most important start of any day is a balanced breakfast! We run a tight ship around here, but we also encourage freedom of expression.

Wendy: Uh, Ford?

Ford: Not now! Heh, sorry, this is one of our counselors, Wendy. She's got nothing to report, as always because our camp is really great, as always... Have I mentioned how legal our camp is?

Wendy: Ford!

Ford: HAVE I MENTIONED HOW GREAT AND LEGAL OUR CAMP IS?! Now, we always make sure our daily activities test the bodies and minds of all of our campers, and today is no exception. Behold! *Pulls back a curtain to reveal an obstacle course outside*

Wendy: Look, Ford-

Ford: WHAT, Wendy! I have gone through a lot of planning and preparation to make this day happen because Stan, as you know, is ‘busy’. What could you possibly tell me that I don't already know?

*Storm clouds begin to form, and it starts raining*

Wendy: It's about to rain. *Flips him off*

Ford: ... ‘Okay, what am I going to do? Think, think...' *To the CCC* Yes, rain. Any camp's worst nightmare, but not here. You see, the plan all along was to make, uh... ‘Okay, think Ford, think! You can't have a repeat of last year. Poor Dib. I hope his family got the flowers. Okay, think. What's an outside-of-the-box idea that's guaranteed not to go wrong?'

*Ford looks around to see the campers doing their regular activities, then he lays eyes on Raz*

Ford: *To the CCC* ...was to make young Razputin here the counselor for the day! Isn't that right, Raz?

Raz: Me? Really?!

Ford: ...Of course! What better way to learn than to teach? Raz will be… Helping his fellow campers with arts and crafts!

Raz: Thank you, Ford. And under my rule… *Holding up a knife* I WILL MAKE CAMP MYSTERY GREAT AGAIN!...

*Thunderclap, Dramatic Sting*

Ford: … This is probably fine… Where’s Stanley when I need him?

*Later*

Raz: Alright campers! Let us express ourselves through the glory of MACARONI ART!

Norman: Man, this is boring. I miss Dib.

Mabel: *eating macaroni* Yeah, and this macaroni sucks!

Norman: Wanna go see how many pudding cups we can fit in our pockets?

Mabel: Oooh! Yeah! I think we can hit 20 this time!

Norman: What do you think, Dipper?... Wait, where's Dipper?

Mabel: I don't know. But we need those pockets! They're deep.

Lili: *Walks over to them* You looking for Dipper?

Norman: What do you know, Lili?

Lili: Nothing. I'd just like to be included for once. I feel like I'm always just in the background of your adventures.

Norman: I mean, that's mainly because you can be pretty mean sometimes.

Lili: SHUT THE FUCK UP!... Sorry, sorry. I'm working on my issues.

Mabel: WHAT'D YOU DO WITH DIPPER, LILI?! SHOVE HIM IN A LOCKER? MAKE HIM PROM QUEEN, ONLY TO COVER HIM IN BLOOD AND THEN HE WENT INSANE AND USED HIS HIDDEN POWERS TO SET THE SCHOOL ON FIRE?!

Lili: *Uses her telekinesis to push Mabel away* Back off! Also, that movie? Wouldn’t watch again.

Norman: Have you at least seen him?

Lili: I saw him with Neil this morning.

Norman: I guess we'll track him down.

Mabel: Ooh, a MYSTERY! A MURDER MYSTERY!

Norman: No, just a normal one.

Mabel: Or is it...?

Norman: It is.

Mabel: Hmm... you seem pretty confident about that. WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF-

Norman: Let’s go find your brother.

Mabel: MYSTERY TIME!

*Back with Ford and the CCC*

Ford: You see, Stanley and I feel that letting the campers take over gives them a sense of pride and purpose, that you just don't get with those other "traditional" camps. I've... *Raz taps his shoulder* Oh, uh, yes Raz? How can I help you?

Raz: Where are your papers?

Ford: Uh, I'm not quite sure what you mean.

Raz: Your papers, where are they? It's a very simple question, Stanford... You are only hurting yourself by lying…

Ford: *Notices the colorful construction paper in his hand* ... Oh. Oh, you want more construction paper!

Raz: Yeah, what did you think I meant? I'm not some sort of secret police or something. *He walks away*

*Back to the investigation. They're interrogating Neil*

Norman: So, Neil, you like a good mystery once in a while, right?

Neil: Uhhhh...y-yeah?

Norman: See my partner, she's what we call a hothead. Now she thinks you murdered Dipper to create a good mystery of your own.

Neil: What?! No, no, I didn't...

Mabel: *Sitting at a nearby table* LIAR! Ask him about his albino!

Norman: You mean his alibi?

Mabel: That too!

Norman: Uhh... Mabel, he can see you.

Mabel: ... AAARGH!! *She jumps from her place and tackles Neil* Where is he, huh! Did you kill him?! SHOW US HIS GRAVE!

Neil: No, please, no! The last time I saw him, he was with Raz!

*Norman and Mabel see Raz walking on the table, observing the other campers coloring. He spots Coraline and Wybie coloring outside the lines*

Raz: What is this?! You need to color inside the line! There will be no mixing colors! *He kicks the coloring sheets away*

Norman: ... That's unsettling.

*Back with Ford*

Ford: … ‘What have I done?’

CCC: *scribble scribble*

Ford: Uhmmhhh...

*Raz holds up a small black piece of paper. He drops it and it lands on his upper lip, resembling a toothbrush mustache*

Ford: Oh God...

*The kids begin to interrogate Raz*

Mabel: Where's Dipper?! What did you do with him?!

Raz: Hey! Respect the armband! *Shows a red armband that says "Temporary camp counselor”*

CCC: *scribble scribble scribble*

Ford: Nope! *Walks over to the campers* All right kids! Why don't we take this conversation somewhere else, like another room?

Raz: Remember your place, Stanford! I am in charge today. Now, what seems to be the problem? There is a missing camper?

Ford: What?! No, I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding. Missing is such a strong word, I'm sure Dipper is just... Hiding?

Wendy: Ford, I swear to God, if you lost Dipper-

Ford: BECAUSE WE ARE ALL PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK!

Raz: Someome is hiding from art’s divine presence? Unacceptable! We will make an example of him! Let the hunt begin!

*Thunderclap, dramatic sting*

Ford: This is still fine.

Raz: *Handing campers a black marker* Alright, I've given you each a unique number. Now write it on your arm so we don't lose anyvun else.

Neil: Ooh! I'll be a bloodhound! *Gets on his hands and knees* Bark-bark-bark-bark! Sniff! Sniff! Sniff-sniff-sniff!

Raz: Let's search the floorboards!

Coraline: Yeah! *Uses a crowbar to unhinge the floorboards*

Norman: This has escalated quickly.

Raz: You cannot hide from us, Dipper!

CCC: *scribble scribble/one of their pens light on fire*

Ford: ‘This is no longer fine.’

Neil: *He walks over to the pantry, followed by Norman, Mabel, Ford, and Wendy* Ooh! Quick, someone open the pantry!

Ford: What is it? Is he in here?

Neil: I think so! *Whispers to Norman and Mabel* Not really. I just want a snack.

*They open the door to find and empty box of crackers, the attic door open, and Dipper’s hat in a puddle of grape juice*

Neil: Aha! I knew it would be in here. *Picks up a granola bar* Oh snap, did someone get murdered?

Wendy: This is horrible.

Ford: There goes another camper!

Norman: Shit. I kinda liked him.

Dipper: What are you guys looking at?

Everyone: *gasps*

*The other Mystery Kids step into the room*

Raz: He lives!

Ford: Just as I knew the entire time!

Mabel: Mystery solved!

Dipper: Mystery? I was just hanging out in the attic with the crackers and juice. *Sees his cap* Oh, my hat. *Puts his cap back on*

Raz: The attic, of course! Amongst the juice! So crafty.

Neil: Wait, why were you in the attic?

Dipper: Oh, I was just writing in, you know, my diary.

Norman: *Smirks* You write in a diary?

Mabel/Coraline: NERD!

Dipper: And this is why I write in the attic.

*Back in the mess hall*

CCC: *They are huddled up/muttered agreements*

Ford: … Honestly, at this point, I don’t care anymore.

*The CCC hold up a trophy*

Ford: *gasps* Really? For me? Oh, I can't- *They walk past him and give the trophy to Raz, along with a note* Oh.

Raz: "For perfect organization which lead to you finding the missing camper, we name your camp, ‘Camp of The Year’." Oh my God! This is the best day of my life! Lili! I won a trophy!

Ford: ... ‘I can't believe I lost to Raz. He doesn’t even run the camp!’ *He sighs, then notices Wybie standing next to him* Oh, Wyborne. You haven’t really said anything all day. What’s up?

Wybie: … Am I the only one who noticed Raz acting like Hitler?

[maraudersandlily20]

The Aftermath

(HEY! I haven’t written anything in 1800 years, but I have this old draft that I’ve cleaned up and figured I’d post. And I’m dedicating it to the beautiful and lovely and SUPER talented Ash, @ashes-and-ashes-dust-and-dust . She has put up with me and my incessant need to read fic the last two days and I just really wanted to show my appreciation for her. So here’s some angsty fluff for you, Ash. I LOVE YOU!)

~~~~~~~

Sirius had never been more quiet. It was almost insane to the other boys how little they saw of him. After he had made a huge apology to everyone, he had stood in front of everyone as if awaiting judgement. It came in the silence of his friends. Remus could barely look at him, and so Sirius understood the message. He wasn’t wanted.

Remus hadn’t thought that Sirius would be so good at avoiding them, considering his loud personality. But somehow, he managed it. He stopped sitting with them during class, instead residing at a table at the back, if he attended class at all. He never slept in their dorm room. They never saw him in the great hall for meals. He didn’t study with them or plan pranks with them. He asked to serve detention alone, so as to not have to see the other boys. It seemed like he hadn’t uttered one word in over a month. It was almost like they had invented their Sirius Black and the illusion was finally coming to a grinding halt.

And it was driving Remus mad.

He was mad that Sirius had suddenly disappeared. He was mad that Sirius had put them in the situation in the first place. He was mad that he still looked for him and breakfast, lunch, and dinner and he was mad when he saw no signs of him. He was mad that he was serving detention alone. He was mad that he had seen more of Regulus in the last month than his brother. But most importantly, he was mad because he missed him. 

The other boys couldn’t understand it. It seemed to be all or nothing with them, which made perfect sense to Remus. When he asked James where Sirius was, usually without thinking, James would give him a confused look and reply that he had no idea. He was trying to be a good friend and stay out of their business, but that could be frustrating when he had no idea what Sirius was doing. He was grateful they had taken his side and supported him, but he could almost feel the tension between the three of them, the elephant in the room always being that there was one part of them missing. James looked ill almost every night as he stared at the empty bed to his right. Euphemia and Fleamont were constantly writing him, asking how everything was, and he never how to answer them. Peter often started a sentence that only Sirius would know the answer to. But Sirius was never there to answer it.

The girls had also supported him. They hadn’t fully understood what had happened, but no one pushed him to explain. They simply knew that Sirius was no longer welcome among them. 

It was an almost instant transition that hurt him more than he’d ever care to admit. 

With Sirius’ disappearance, the map had also vanished. Almost like he didn’t want to present a temptation to anyone and he wanted to guarantee that no one would talk to him unless Remus had agreed to it. 

Remus was tired. He was tired of feeling hurt and betrayed and small. He was tired of all of it. It was eating him up every minute of every day until he felt like he was going to go mad. He simply couldn’t focus on anything anymore, especially not his school work.

Lily sat beside the fire, her chin in her hands, as she watched Remus struggle to get a sentence to flow from his quill. Eventually, he threw the parchment and quill down and collapsed into his hands. She sighed. It was terrible to watch her friend suffer so terribly. And with how attached he and Sirius were, she could only imagine the pain the Black boy was in.

“Have you talked to him?” she asked softly, hoping not to stir up trouble.

Eyes tired, Remus looked up at her flatly. “No. I wouldn’t even know where to find him. And that’s IF I wanted to talk to him. Which I don’t.”

She almost smiled. Same old Remus. “Don’t you see him every night?”

Remus shook his head. “He doesn’t sleep in our dorm room anymore.”

“Classes?”

“He’s moved seats. And he hardly seems to be going to class at the moment anyway.”

Lily perked at that. Sirius was doing much worse than she thought. No one saw him and he had completely isolated himself. If she knew anything about him, it was that his abandonment issues must be almost paralyzing at this point.

“You really haven’t seen him?”

“Have you?”

She thought for a second and shook her head. “Marlene laid into him pretty thick after the… incident. He’s steered clear of us since.”

Remus looked miserable. The whole situation had been terrible and now he was likely losing his best friend. He couldn’t understand why Sirius had done what he did and hated him for it, but he was almost aching to see him as much as he despised the very idea.

“Maybe… maybe you should find him. At least, find out where he’s sleeping?”

It was a good idea. One that he had considered multiple times but had never followed through. However, he didn’t want to have a group intervention and make Sirius face all of them, because even though he was mad, he didn’t want him to feel attacked by his friends. Peter was with Mary and James was at practice, so if there was ever a time to find him alone, this seemed like a pretty good option. 

With a sign, he pulled himself to his feet and shook his head. “This is a mistake.” he grumbled, making Lily laugh.

“Just, make sure he isn’t sleeping in the astronomy tower, will you?” He waved at her as he exited the portrait and began making his way through the numerous corridors that he thought Sirius might be in. Every turn was like an old chapter in their friendship, a book he had tried to put on the shelf and had failed terribly at as memories bombarded him one after the other. The place that they had pulled one of their famous pranks. The place that Sirius had hexed a slytherin so badly that the boy never went near them again. The bench where they had laughed so hard that Remus had fallen over. The hallway where Sirius had almost kissed Remus… almost.

Sirius was everywhere.

But he was nowhere to be found.

After about an hour looking, Remus was ready to give up. He wasn’t sure what to do about it. He had gone through as many options he could think of that Sirius would spend his time, to no avail. At the end of this length search, he hung his head. He had really hoped to find him. He was just turning back to go to the common room when suddenly, he found himself at the doors of the hospital wing. He had an ill feeling in the pit of his stomach, but there was something pulling him forward. He didn’t know why Sirius would be in here, of all places. But he had to try. 

With a deep breath, he pulled the door open and was met with the sight of rows of beds on either side. Some had occupants, but none had the familiar black mane that he loved and had many times wished he could run his hands through.

Poppy walked toward him, a worried expression on her face. 

“Mr. Lupin, I wasn’t expecting you for another week and a half or so. Is everything alright? Are you unwell?”

He laughed and rushed to reassure her. “No Poppy, nothing like that. I feel great. I just… I was wondering if Sirius was here.”

Understanding passed her eyes and she gave him a sympathetic smile. “He’s not here right now, but he spends most of his afternoons here, yes.”

This startled Remus. “Really? Doing what?”

“He cleans, mostly. He changes the bedsheets, mops the floors, wipes down the windows. Whatever I ask of him, he does. I have insisted more times than I can count that he needn’t worry or exert himself, that we can use magic just as well. But he insists that he enjoys the labor. It gives him time when he doesn’t have to think.”

Remus could only nod at this. He hadn’t expected Sirius to spend any time in the hospital wing at all. But when someone was desperate to stay away, anything would do.

“Is he coming here today?”

Poppy shrugged. “I’d assume so. Lunch is just about over, so I’m sure he’ll leave the kitchen soon.”

He felt his eyes bulge. “The kitchen?” He clarified.

“Yes, of course. He decided that the best way to spend his meal times was to help the house elves in the kitchen. He cooks and cleans with them during meals. Dumbledore allows it, I suppose out of pity. But no matter how much I insist, he still doesn’t eat much. Says he has no appetite. Poor thing. I know things are difficult for him now, for all of you. But it hurts to see him so.”

Poppy seemed to be a well of information that kept on giving. “Poppy, does he go anywhere else?”

“The library, I’d assume. He’s recieved permission from numerous professors to simply get his homework, which he completes in the library. It’s odd. They have been very accommodating. And still, Sirius thrives, as he always has. The brilliant boy.”

“Anywhere else?”

“No,” Poppy said, gathering her supplies and heading away. “He’ll be around soon, if you’d like to wait for him.”

Remus did want to wait for him. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the idea that Sirius was spending his days cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. It almost seemed unrealistic. He meandered his way over to one of the armchairs by the windows, where patients could sit and get fresh air, wondering what he was going to say to Sirius when he came in. The chair was an out of the way spot that wouldn’t easily be noticed. He sat and waited, listening to the clock behind him tick away the seconds. After about 20 minutes, the door swung open to reveal the boy himself. 

Sirius looked terrible. Well, terrible for Sirius, that was. He still looked stunning, but there was a weight around him that couldn’t be dismissed. He had dark circles under his eyes and appeared to have lost a bit of weight, making him even skinnier than he had been. His hair was pulled back into a knot at the nape of his neck, and he wore a long sleeved shirt, despite the warmth of the room. He walked with purpose to where Poppy was treating a new patient.

Remus watched with curious eyes, wondering if Poppy would tell Sirius of his presence, but Sirius didn’t turn to him. Instead, he grabbed a large hamper and began stripping the sheets off of the beds. It was at this time he pushed up his sleeves and revealed the layer of bandages underneath. His skin looked almost as pale as the white of the wraps where it peaked out. Remus couldn’t help but worry and wonder what had happened.

Sirius finished an entire row of beds and was almost entirely through the other side when he caught sight of Remus in his chair. He stopped dead, eyes wide with horror. For a moment, it appeared he had stopped breathing.

Remus was unsure of what to do. He wanted to talk to Sirius but he wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to strangled him and embrace him all at the same time. He was full of conflicting feelings.

Sirius stayed frozen, panic filled him and he wondered if Remus was there to give him a hex. If he was, he was grateful he was already in the hospital wing. 

When neither boy made a move toward the other, Sirius swallowed thickly and returned to his chore of stripping the beds. When he reached the last mattress, pulling the fabric off of it and shoving it into the hamper, he was almost close enough for Remus to touch him. He didn’t.

Sirius quickly walked back toward Poppy, depositing the bag to the side where it would be taken to be washed. He murmured something to the head nurse who immediately waved him off. Without looking at Remus again, he walked briskly toward the main doors, pulled them open, and then disappeared.

Remus shot up and followed him. He raced behind, trying to guess where he would go. He wasn’t expecting him to head up the astronomy tower, and Lily’s words of hoping he wasn’t sleeping there filled his mind. They must have gone up three flights of stairs before it opened up to a balcony, where Remus grabbed Sirius’ arm to pull him to a stop.

He barely registered the wince that covered his face before Sirius yanked his arm from his grip. He turned to face him and the silence between them was thick with unsaid words. Sirius was apparently determined to not be the first one to speak, so Remus let out a sigh.

He ran his hand nervously through his hair before staring into Sirius’ eyes and let out a breathy, “hello”. 

Sirius only nodded.

“I, uh… I wasn’t sure where to find you. It seems like it’s been ages since you’ve been in the gryffindor tower. Lily suggested that maybe you were sleeping up here.”

Sirius shrugged.

“You must have taken the map with you, because I’m pretty sure James has tried to find you on numerous occasions and can never find where the map went.”

Sirius said nothing, his eyes tracking Remus’ every movement, like a spooked animal unsure of its’ safety.

They stared at each other for a beat before Remus felt concern fill him. “Wait, you’re not sleeping up here, right?”

A head shake. 

Remus felt his frustration grow. “Come on, Sirius. Talk to me. I came here to talk. I’ve spent hours looking for you so we could talk. I want to talk to you. So, will you please say something?”

Sirius’ eyebrows furrowed. “What do you want me to say?”

“Anything.”

The dark haired boy looked at his feet, as if struggling to decide what to say before he looked up and said, “nice weather we’ve been having.”

Remus glared. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

The air between them seemed to heat up with the tension that came alive at his words and Remus could feel it, stretched thin between them,  as if it were about to snap.

Sirius shrugged again. “I don’t have anything else we need to talk about.”

“Oh really? Because I haven’t seen you in a month, we never know where you are, you’ve basically erased yourself from campus without ever coming around. It feels like we have quite a bit to talk about.”

“We really don’t.”

“Yes, we do, Black.”

“Why? We’ve managed to go a month without talking, Lupin. I figured the silence said enough.”

Remus snorted. “Well you haven’t exactly been around to break the silence.”

“That’s what you wanted!” Sirius exploded finally. “That’s what all of you wanted! I couldn’t get three sentences out without someone telling me I had ruined everything, that I had hurt you, that I couldn’t be forgiven. And when I tried to explain or apologize, you all said it wasn’t good enough. That it wasn’t sincere. That it didn’t change anything! And you were all right. I knew that. I KNOW that. Everyone stopped listening to me, so I didn’t have anything to say anymore.”

“You’ve been stewing in your own self pity for a month and never gave anyone a chance to question that. You just disappeared!”

“You all disappeared! You vanished right before my eyes. My friends, my… my family.” Tears filled his eyes that he tried to fight back. “You all hated me. And I know you had good reason and I know that I deserved all of it. But I have been around people who hated me my whole life, Remus. You can’t expect me to stay.”

“We never hated you,” Remus shot back. “We were-” he stopped, trying to calm himself, before continuing; “I was upset because of what you did, but we all just needed time.”

Sirius wrapped his arms around himself. “Time doesn’t fix anything. You know that.”

“So, what, you were just planning on hiding in the kitchen and the hospital wing for the rest of your life?”

“Working distracts me.”

“That’s cowardly, Sirius.”

His eyes shot up to his, anger coloring them. “I know. You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t hate myself for not feeling safe to sleep in our dorm room? You think I don’t despise the fact that I can’t go to class without wanting to shrivel into a ball and never crawl out? You think I don’t know that spending my meal times in the kitchen isn’t going to get me anywhere? I know! I know what it is; what my life is now. And I think it’s time you knew it too. So, come on, Remus. Just say what you came here to say. That I’m a coward, a fake, a monster, a backstabber, a two faced traitor. Come on. Just say it.” Remus stared at him, wide eyed as he vented, most likely the longest thing he’d said in the past 30 days. He was unsure of what to do. Sirius watched him struggle with himself before exploding again, “ SAY IT!” Remus startled at that, taking a step back. But still he said nothing. Sirius’ shoulders sagged and he turned away from him. “Then just leave me alone.”

Silence flooded between them, Remus watching all of the fight drain out of the boys body, and he felt his heart beginning to break. This was the hardest silence he had ever had to experience.

“I can’t do this anymore, Rem,” Sirius whispered, the tears beginning to streak down his face. “I can’t pretend like not seeing you, not talking to you, not making you laugh isn’t killing me. Okay? I can’t exist in your world when you hate me so much. I can’t. I just can’t. Please don’t fault me for that. Please don’t make me feel more guilty now, just because I’m trying to do what all of you wanted. I want you to be happy. And I ruined that for you. I’ve only ever ruined that. So please… please don’t make me try to explain or justify my actions. I can’t. I don’t want to. I hurt you. I hurt everyone. That was my decision and I’m paying the consequences for that. And it’s easier to do that alone. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I can’t spend my entire life feeling guilty. I know I made a mistake. And I’m so sorry. But you have to leave me alone now. Okay? It’ll just be easier for everyone.”

Sirius made to move around him, but Remus grabbed onto his arm tightly to stop him. When Sirius winced in obvious pain, Remus let him go as if he had been burned. He hadn’t meant to hurt him but then remembered the thin bandages that he had wrapped around his arms. Without a word, he took his arms and began unwrapping them to reveal the skin underneath. 

When the skin was revealed beneath the wrapping, Remus sucked in his breath. There were long, deep criss crossed lines that littered his arms, red and tender looking. Some were backed by large bruises. Remus looked up at Sirius in horror, asking with his eyes what had happened. Sirius shrugged.

“I have found that fighting for you is much easier than fighting with you. I seem to be able to pick a fight with Slytherins now just by looking at them. It’s fine, really. Just a bit of lacero. Nothing I can’t handle.” he whispered.

“Sirius,” Remus replied just as quietly, feeling that familiar pull toward the Black boy, wanting to wrap him up in his arms and never let go.

Sirius tugged his arm away from his grasp and began winding the cloth around his skin once again. When the cuts were hidden, he crossed his arms over his chest and refused to look up at Remus.

“Were you ever going to come back?” Remus finally asked.

Sirius shook his head. “You didn’t want me anymore. I’ve had to live with people who didn’t want me my whole life. I couldn’t do it again.”

“Sirius-”

“No, Remus.” He stops him and holds his hand in front of him, as if stopping whatever assault is about to come his way. “It’s okay. I’m not saying this for you to feel bad for me. You have every right to be angry. You deserve to be angry. You deserve to hate me. I would hate me, if I were you. I hurt you in ways I can never take back and I’ll just have to live with that. But I can’t live surrounded by people who make me feel the way my parents always did. So, please. Please don’t worry about me anymore. I’ll be okay.”

“I don’t want you to.”

Silence. As if the words were covering the both of them just by being said.

“W-what?”

“I don’t want you to be okay by yourself, Sirius. I don’t want you to hide in the library or the kitchen or the hospital wing. I don’t want you to not speak to anyone for days on end. I don’t want you to do this,” He held up his arm gingerly, “by looking for unnecessary fights ever again. I don’t want that.” He took a step closer and tried not to burst into tears. “I want to know where you fall asleep every night. I want to know how your day was. I want to hear funny stories you figured out from your muggle history books. I want to make sure that you’re eating enough, which it’s pretty clear you haven’t been. I want to spend happy days with you so that I don’t have to remember the bad ones. I want you to earn my trust back. I want you to prove to me that you’re never going to do anything like that ever again. But you can’t do that if you disappear.”

Sirius was crying in earnest now as Remus framed his face with both of his hands. “I’m so sorry Remus,” he choked out, barely able to breathe. “I have been trying to imagine what I should have done differently, so you wouldn’t get hurt. I’m so sorry that I did that to you.”

“I know.”

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Remus put his hands on his shoulder. “Hey, that’s for me to decide. Okay? So, let’s work on it.”

Sirius nodded, his eyes watery. Seemingly unable to help himself, he wrapped his arms around the taller boys torso and allowed himself to sob loudly. Remus couldn’t help the few tears that streaked down his own face, giving the top of Sirius’ head a tender kiss.

They stayed like that for a bit, listening to each other breathe, holding onto their shirts as if afraid to let go. And Remus didn’t know what was going to happen. He didn’t know what was going to happen now, what would happen with their friends or when he would feel like he could trust him again, but there, on the third level of the astronomy tower with Sirius’ arms wrapped around his chest, he felt like his heart was slowly being put back together.

When the tears dried up and Sirius stopped hiccuping, he pulled back. Remus gently wiped at the streaks on his face and gave him a small smile, which Sirius could barely return, though he tried.

“Want to come back?” Remus asked gently, taking his best friends’ hand in his own. Sirius nodded, trying to steady his breathing at the thought of getting to speak to his friends again. He was terrified and hopeful and everything in between. He wanted his life to feel safe again and was grateful that Remus seemed like he was going to help him get back there.

Remus smiled lightly and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “Come on, everyone is dying to see you.”

“Okay.” 

As they started to descend the stairs, a thought came to Remus. “Wait, where have you been sleeping?” He asked, worried about the actual answer.

“What? Oh, one of the Hufflepuff Prefects has been letting me sleep on the floor of his room.”

Remus huffed and rolled his eyes. “I should have guessed.”

They stayed silent as they kept descended the stairs back to their own common room when Sirius perked up. “What do you mean?”

Remus just laughed.

[beatsfortheillperth]

Words with Sadiva

Photography by Kim Summer

SADIVA is the premise of our following words, a female beatsmith hailing from Melbourne, Australia, the soul of female comradeship, and the essence of Australian Boom Bap - SADIVA, is inspiring fellow female creatives and is not only sewing but intertwining creative relationships between both male and female. 

This only seems to inspire beat-makers to continue to arise in confidence and support all over the globe and SADIVA is continually pushing this atmosphere, something we here at beatsfortheill completely embrace.

Curating over the years, some of the best musical treats with the release of her Compilations "Women of the World" Volumes 1 and 2. With appreciation, these releases mean, 

SADIVA allows anyone to have a master's ear. 

It also must be said that this Melbourne local can have all heads bopping to samples that linger for days, with soothed souls and a conscious understanding -  SADIVAS' WoW compilations have helped a lot of women in need, which brings with it, a certain sense of honesty,  something SADIVA'S personal catalog, in all its calming abilities captures minute by minute.

Developing her craft at home and beyond, whilst establishing a name for herself through her time stilling numbers on Lethal Chops back in 2017. This girl shares, with her music, art nothing short of a beachside sunset or a wine on the riverside.

SADIVA is a chillers delight, and with that, I am glad to announce words with the beat-making wonder and "When U Cared" creative brainchild.

Much Love.

Hey, SADIVA thanks for taking the time to share words.

Let's start with some quick general questions to get things flowing.

Last song you listened to: 

 10% - Kaytranada 

Favourite Beverage:

Beer haha (Brooklyn or Moon Dog)

Favourite Food:

TACOS 

Views on Time Travel:

I wish I could travel at the speed of sound. 

Futurama makes me believe. 

A childhood memory in regards to music:

Buying my first CD “Around the world” by Draft Punk and singing it to the store clerk so I got the right CD, 

Also, my dad used to take me to all the free concerts at highpoint and I got to meet Blue, who was my favourite when I was younger, they sang into my yakti yak and it made my childhood lifetime haha. 

Favourite Place to chill:

Dandenong Ranges with my dog 

A track to chill to:

Fall in love – J Dilla 

A track to break it down to:

Galvanize – Chemical Brothers

Just - Bicep 

A childhood role model and why you looked up to said person:

My Dad has always been my role model cause he just taught me to be myself no matter what.

Favourite Location/ Why:

New York, it's my home away from home and has always inspired me throughout my journey 

Any Hobbies away from music:

Hanging with my boy and my Lil floof - Toast

 Putting on local events/workshops.

 I love cooking.

Going out in nature and to art galleries (when not on lockdown)

 Favourite thing to do when you have down-time:

Go for a walk with the pup, watch trash tv, have a bath with a glass of wine

All Time Favourite Album:

 Bicep - Bicep

J Dilla – Donuts 

Gangstarr – Moments of truth 

Underoath – They’re only chasing safety 

Artwork work by Jasmine Ioppolo @iops on Instagram

Thanks for that, so I'd like to start by asking, what got you into producing music in the first place? Was it a solo finding or were you encouraged by others to give it a go?

I feel deeply in love with classic Hip-Hop when I started working at a shoe store and, this was where I discovered J Dilla and his story which blew my mind and inspired the shit out of me. 

I was also hanging out with some friends who had tried the art of beat-making so I got intrigued, to say the least. 

Why the name SADIVA? And what does it mean to you?

SADIVA just clicked for me. I was smoking weed in my room whilst making beats and, I was like,

 “okay, I have to come up with some sort of name for this project”

 and I love the strain SATIVA so I thought I’d just wordplay it with diva. 

How long have you been producing? Also, what is some of the attributes you find producing helps you strengthen within yourself that you find other avenues don't cover?

I have been producing for about 5 years now, I have been very unmotivated lately just due to my own reason.

I always like to have a smoke and a session to find my samples and then I like to sit and get down to the nitty-gritty. 

Lately, I’ve been experimenting with a lot of different samplers and sythn’s just to get an idea of expanding my sound, it’s so interesting.

There’s so much I really don’t cover but DJing is helping me to understand a lot of genres of music that I thought I hated but I love them, which is making me expand more.

What inspires you to continue making beats?

I just love making music, its therapy for me.

Being able to go around the world and meet the scene too has been a

truly special molding for my 20’s and I’m blessed I’ve had these experiences, 

I’d be silly to stop cause I’m really living my dream and that’s what keeps me going.

Let us go back to 2017 and discuss what's responsible for the creation of Lethal Chops? What pictures were you trying to paint with the tracklist? And also what was it like putting Lethal Chops together?

At this point I had been writing solidly for 2 years with only a few beats on compilations and SoundCloud, I had always wanted to put an album out cause I was proud of my work and after my trip to NYC in 2015/16 

I met Soul Journal (one of my best friends) and he pushed for me to release something and did the masters and truly helped me with the whole process of the tracklist so he deserves a huge shout out cause without him who knows if I would have released anything.

Lethal Chops by Sadiva, Artwork by - Kitchen Wizards

Not much over a year later you released "Minutes" on Vinyl, through Inner Ocean Records.

A masterpiece of works that let everyone know you are here to stay. Somewhat like another Melbourne producer - Amin Payne, who nearly went on hiatus, but I believe he was someone like yourself who was drawn in by a mutual love to create, perpetuating goodness and works of art. 

Thanks for this, Minutes is something you want to listen to for prolonged hours so again thank you.

What were the major differences between putting together Lethal Chops and Minutes? Also, how do you feel you had grown as an artist when releasing Minutes? Finally, what atmosphere were you trying to put together for your listeners with this second album release?

Thank you so much for saying that, I couldn’t be happier knowing that’s how you feel about a piece of my work. The major difference I guess was I had a bit of an idea of how I pictured Minutes and it had a bit more time and meaning go into the project.

With lethal chops, I just wanted to release something as I had been making so many beats at that point in time. 

Minutes was very break up heavy also, I was heartbroken when finishing minutes, and a lot of last-minute tracks got added cause they just felt so much for me. 

Plus, I just wanted to put something together that I was proud of and that people would find interesting, I wanted to make it like watching a film with your ears if that makes sense? 

"Minutes" as said before, was made available on vinyl as previously Lethal Chops on Cassette. What is it about putting together and releasing physicals that you love most? Also, did Inner Ocean Record impact your appreciation for physical releases?

Physicals have always been really important to me, I’ve always collected cassettes, CDs, vinyl since I was young so to have something that was my own on vinyl was insane for me, I cried the day it arrived cause it was such a great achievement for me.  

Do you have a close relationship with the artists that create your cover art and videos?

If so what allows that relationship to stay solid?

Ps, blessed stuff by the way.

Zomkashwak, STLNDRMS, and Lily.ingram (EN:recent name change) know what is up!

I have definitely got some amazing connections with the artists I work with, Lily was my housemate for a few years and we became close friends through that and I couldn’t have been anymore over the moon than to have her amazing work featured as apart of the WOW series, plus she’s an incredible woman I look up to.

As for Zomkashwak and STLMDRMS we became friends through artist nature and sharing the same love and passion’s, Zom did that album cover for Minutes and it was like he saw what was going on in my brain.

When I met STLNDRMS in Atlanta he hosted me for Controllerise and just showed me the most wholesome hospitality, I was stoked to be able to work with him on the video for “WIT U” and also do a live set on his channel beats and chill, he’s a huge inspiration not only to me but everyone in this community and to give back as he does is incredible, STLNDRMS is gonna be huge and he deserves it more than anyone in the scene. 

I also have many close connections with a lot of the people I work with and I’m blessed to have that network of people. 

You work closely with the collective and platform Inner Ocean Records based in Calgary, Alberta, Canada a fair distance from Melbourne, Australia.

What inspired this long-distance relationship between yourself and Inner Ocean and how do you guys keep present?

When I started making beats they were one of the first labels I looked up to, it was a goal of mine to release something with them, I just loved what they were doing for the culture.

I got my first self-released tape manufactured through them and after that, we worked on WOW and Minutes together and Cory and I just had a great bond, I feel honoured to have worked with them so closely for a few years. 

Inner Ocean Records, being inspired by their surroundings, (In their own words Calgary "is a city surrounded by hundreds of kilometers of prairies, mountains, and forest") did that connect with you when you decided to link up for projects like "Minutes"?

Also, how do you feel your surroundings in Melbourne impact and inspire the beats you create?

I’d say Minutes was most inspired in New York and Melbourne.

Melbourne and New York both have a gritty feeling with all the graffiti and live music going on everywhere and every time I go to NYC I start writing so much. 

I was also going through some heartbreak at the time and a lot of what I was listening to was sampled in the album, a lot of the lyrics just spoke to me and It was curing me. 

Minutes by Sadiva, Artwork by Zom Kashwak

What environmental factors in your home life bring out the best in your music?

When I’m at home I sit down with a joint, put some nice lighting on and I have a lot of plants in my studio, I need to have a chill environment to start writing and since minutes I’ve moved to a new room in the house, I have been writing so many different genres and it's crazy how a new environment can start sparking something different. 

I also wanted to bring up something new to myself [lofi.family] a collective via Facebook and Soundcloud that is dedicated to positive interaction between artists and listeners within the lofi community.

You released two tracks for [lofi.family] "When U Cared" and "Substance" both truly well received. How did this interaction come about and what was it like for you making both these tracks?

Check [lofi.family] out here - 

Soundcloud -  https://soundcloud.com/lofifamily 

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/lofi.family/

I have been friends with Griff since he started lofi.fam, I was one of the first members in the group and Griff has always just greeted me with open arms,

He asked me for a couple of beats and of course, I had to support what he was doing because he supports everyone, I cant wait to meet that man.

Does either of them hold any personal meaning? As sound-wise, I feel the tracks seem to pull you in opposite directions if you get what I mean? Mellow chords opposed to boom-bap head nods.

Was this intentional?

When I made “When you cared” it was actually a flip I originally did for a 21 savage song, just a bit of fun and then the lofi.fam wanted a track so  I sent that over 

And with substance, I said to myself ill make a really lofi sounding song instead of boom-bap and I thought that suited the vibe for Lofi fam ps: LOVE YOU GRRIFF!

I guess it was intentional for lofi.fam but when I made them I didn’t really have a concept.

Photography by Kim Summer

We have to discuss WoW Volumes 1 and 2 your "Women Of The World" compilations released on cassette followed by vinyl that ever so sweetly showcases over 30 Female Beat-Smiths world-wide, much love.

This creative pursuit was put together to also raise awareness and funds for organizations dedicated to helping re-home and comfort homeless women (due to various circumstances) in America and Australia.

So much respect for your innovation on this continuing project.

With these releases, you have raised over $8000 for charity and with that, have inspired so many to stay true to the gift of giving, thank you.

What inspired you to branch out and curate WoW? How did you go about making this idea a reality? And what is the overall message you are trying to get across with "Women Of The World" an all-female Tracklist?

I was sick of seeing shady comments about the rise of women in the community, I’m thankful our Lofi community is so open to everyone but not all beat communities are and it was bothering me.

I see women as very powerful people and I love all women pursuing their craft for them and no one else.

I wanted to share these incredible women’s tracks with the world and our beautiful community and give something back through that. 

It’s important to make everyone in community shine and I wanted something for the ladies as it was around International Women’s Day and that inspired me to just push forward, and I thought this is something I really want to push and I could not have expected to go as well as it did, it has been incredible. 

Finally on the subject, what do you feel WoW's creation tries to inspire most in both males and females creating and listening within the beat scene?

I just hope WOW inspired women to put their stuff out there and for men to be accepting and support that,

I feel like that was successful, I saw so many people just bigging up each other when wow was released and creating that sense of community and safety is so important to me. 

Volumes 1 and 2 featured artists like handycat, Yourself, Eevee, India On Da Track, and Seneca B, all artists that show lofi and production, in general, allow so many opportunities to be diverse.

I saw recently that you are taking in submissions for Volume 3 which I am sure will encourage head bops world-wide.

Can you give us a sneak-peek into the curator's mind as to what we can expect with Volume 3? What feels and approaches will you be going for with this release?

I’m not going to lie, This year has fucked me uup with WOW, 

I just couldn’t focus on it, I have a lot going on with my own career, and its really taking away from my time with WOW which I’m really upset about but I need to take one thing at a time.

I have to give a huge shout out to Emy Zulazna for helping me with everything this year. 

I am feeling way more motivated now I’m getting used to the lockdowns but I’m not even sure I’ll get VOL.3 out this year, but I hope I get to. 

Just remember that when you're focusing on a project you can get caught up so hard in other people, you need to remember to take some time out for yourself when focusing on these projects cause it can get quite overwhelming.

Going back to 2016 I have to mention your [Episode 2] Ride With It Set. Along with Amin Payne and ohwell's sets, yours is often bouncing through my speakers so thank you for doing Australia justice with your sensei ways <3

How did that opportunity come about and what was it like performing for an online audience, in a moving car opposed to a live set on stage?

Thank you so much, ride with it was so much fun, but it was the day after I had been to a grand final that Western Bulldogs won so I was very dusty in the car that day. 

The opportunity arose as I knew the guys who started it prior to them doing it and they approached me and asked if I’d be keen and I was already there haha.

It was super strange being in a car doing beats, people in other cars wondering what you're doing and not being able to see the SP buttons cause of the light was a little struggle to, I wish ride with it was still around! RIP RIDE WITH IT!

Ride with it Episode 2 - SADIVA - 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC1cICa4cUc&t=2s

You've performed in venues all over the world now, and with each performance, I am sure you learn something new about not only yourself but also your environments.

Can you share what it is like being on stage and also how you keep your nerves in check when you're tweaking those buttons?

Being on stage for me is like another persona, I go to another planet, it’s like when Usagi/Serena turns into sailor moon. 

When I'm Djing or playing beats live I become one with the music and its more than a show to me, this is me representing my feelings on stage.

Each city I play also is like learning something new about the culture, 

I am so lucky with the opportunities I have. 

What environments do you like to create through your live shows?

And also what has been your favourite show to date and why?

I like to create a safe environment where anyone can feel like we can chat after the show, when people come out to see me I am so grateful and it always turns into a bit of a party towards the end of the shows.

I’ve had so many amazing shows but up to date, I’d say when I played in Turin, Italy with my good friend Siccarone beats, that was life-changing. 

It was an illegal warehouse party and it was packed, I couldn’t believe the show and it was just so much fun I can’t wait to go back after all of this is over 

Musical Recommendations?

At the moment I’m really just feeling a lot of different stuff, I have a few playlists made on Spotify which is probably best to see what I’m really into cause holy dang it’s a big ol mix bag.

Recommendations Away From Music?

Look after your loved ones, your animals, and please look after each other.

The world is in a crazy place so let’s make everyone feel safe in these crazy times.

Any New Releases or Shows coming up that we should keep an ear and eye out for?

Look, since corona, all my big announcements have kind of been put on pause which is a real shame because I was really looking forward to this year. 

However, I do have some really big news coming and I am not allowed to say much more than that. I hope this new thing I’m working on really helps our community shine, even more, I wanna talk so much more about it but I can’t, so stay tuned!!!

If so can you share a few details?

My lips are sealed but I’ll be able to announce soon.

Any Last Words?

Chicken butt.. 

Music Video for WIT U from “Minutes” by - STLNDRMS

Support SADIVA here:

Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/artist/4N5uaLp0vHh7627UsS9GoG

Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/sadiva

Bandcamp - https://sadiva.bandcamp.com/

Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYamcq0cmp62-pxY2XHmnkg

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/sadivaa/?hl=en 

[bynkii]

Being a Monk in D&D Online

It’s my tumblr and I’ll wank about DDO if I want :-P

For those who don’t know me that well, (which to be honest is all but a very, very small number of you), I play D&D Online. I have since DDO introduced the Monk class. I enjoy it a lot, and have found a small group of people, whom I have never met that I run around with. (On the Khyber, if you actually care.)

My play style is a bit odd, for many reasons, (a few call me an evolutionary dead end because I rarely reincarnate), one of which is that I only play one class: The Monk.

Not what you’d expect

The monk is an odd class, in that it’s as much of a “mile wide and an inch deep” class as the bard or the artificer. I can do a lot of damage, but on a per hit basis, a lot of class builds do more. I just hit really, really fast. Many people, most in fact, do what’s called “splashing”. They’ll take a small number of monk levels, to gain some basic abilities like evasion (which means that if someone takes a swing and they hit, but you make your reflex save, you take no damage. That’s kind of handy until it fails. Then you take it in the shorts. Hard.)

But it’s not a class that’s really good at one thing like tanking or dps (damage per second) or healing or crowd control. It is however a great support class, and I like that part. I like being a part of a team, and using my knowledge of the class and its features to be a bit of a healer or a dps, (nothing like Togwik. I can kill some stuff, but that dude just scythes through things), or occasionally, pretending to be a tank.

Which means that you can’t just sort of play a monk. You really have to be all in to do well. Multiclassing rarely works out well. It’s useful if you’re just going for completionist (wherein you max out your level in every class to get a +2 bonus to all ability and skill scores), but if you really want to play a monk, you have to go all in. All 20 heroic levels as a monk, and then your 10 epic levels done in a way that makes your monkness work for you. As I said, I’m a generalist. Specifically, a melee generalist with some effort put into healing and electrical damage. There’s other ways to play a monk. One I’ve been seeing more of is what is called a “shuricannon” or a monk that specializes in doing insane amounts of damage with shuriken.

For those of you amused by “shuricannon”, some of the other more amusing portmaneaus:

cleric/monk — “clonk”

ranger/monk — “monkcher”

fighter/monk — “fonk”

Let’s take a look at my basic stats on my current incarnation, a 30th level monk running in the Grandmaster of Flowers (GMoF — warning, DDO LOVES ACRONYMS) epic destiny (ED). But first, a pic of the character, (Bynkii. Which was actually where that name comes from. It’s what I’ve always named my D&D characters. This should be surprising to precisely no one.)

Let’s take a look at my basic stats on my current incarnation, a 28th level monk running in the Grandmaster of Flowers (GMoF — warning, DDO LOVES ACRONYMS) epic destiny (ED). But first, a pic of the character, (Bynkii. Which was actually where that name comes from. It’s what I’ve always named my D&D characters. This should be surprising to precisely no one.)

Aasimar Scourge Monk with the requisite pink mohawk and glowing eyes

I just like the idea of glowing eyes on a monk. So now for the stats:

clearly a wisdom build

So now, as a monk, Wisdom (WIS) is his most important stat. It fuels all his good tricks and is why the save against his stunning fist attack (aka DC) is a 101. Which when you’re operating on a 100-pt scale means that doesn’t miss often. It’s handy, it’s rather hard to fight back when you’re stunned. Hit points aren’t bad for a monk, I’ve had higher, but this build I added some Constitution Bonuses, along some careful gear selection which adds 85 to the hit point total. Given I how I play a monk, that’s a pretty high hit point count. I’ve also got a really good Armor Class for a monk. Not where it would be with high-end heavy armor and Paladin/FIghter/etc. bonuses, but given his armor is cloth, pretty good. If I change my stance to earth stance, then it goes to 230. But that also kills my wisdom, so I rarely do that.

The other important stat I have going is Constitution (CON). First, because it affects how many hit points I have (out of 1347 perm HP, 840 are my Con bonus), and secondly because it affects my Concentration, and that directly affects my Ki levels (yellow bar):

the blue bar is my magic points/mana, which I clearly don’t care about.

Ki is important to a monk because that’s what powers all the good monk attacks. Stunning Fist is 15, Tomb of Jade/Dismissing Strike/Kukan-Do are 25 each, Lily Petal is 10, and the creme de la creme of Monk attacks, Everything is Nothing, (EIN) is 50. EIN I alternately call the room cleaner or the Blue Light Special (when it goes off, the entire screen goes blue:

attention K-Mart shoppers: buh-bye

On an EIN one of two things happens to everything in range: they die, instantly, or they’re frozen for 6 seconds and then they take 500–1500 points of damage. It’s kind of handy when fighting large amounts of mobs. One of the folks I adventure with just sighs and tells me I’m cheating when I pop it off. I can live with that.

The thing is, a monk is a good team class. I can solo, although at higher levels, it gets tedious. Where I really do best is in a good party, where I can work the edges while the hardcore tanks and DPS folks wade in the middle. I also do well in the middle in specific ways. I can easily paralyze or temporarily take out a lot of enemies in small groups for a few seconds. That makes a difference. And I like that part. I really do like that DDO encourages team play, not PVP. In fact, there’s almost no PVP, and that fundamentally changes the game itself. From something my son wrote on that a while ago:

What I like about DDO is that a lack of serious PVP removes the requirement that all classes be individually competent. Take the Bard for instance. The Bard is kind of crap at everything. Fighting, sneaking, casting, healing, the Bard phones in on all of it. The only reason this class exists is for support. A Bard can make other characters two or three times stronger with an array of support skills, spells, and abilities no other class can come close to matching. A DDO Bard would never appear in WOW, since it would be a liability in team PVP, worthless in solo PVP, and simply unnecessary in a PVE raid.

Meanwhile in DDO, a bard is a glass cannon that can’t attack or take a hit and every raid group jumps at the chance to have one on the team. A Bard can’t do dick on its own and everyone is A-Okay with that since the point is to take the individual skills of each player and work as a group to overcome obstacles.

And that leads me to my final point (I have more really, but I’m getting tired of typing). A lack of PVP means that the point of the game isn’t to be competitive with each other, the point is to work with one another. When nobody can play on their own and the only way to win is to play nice with one another, that creates incentive to NOT BE A DICK. DDO has a remarkably low population of assholes the likes of which have forever tainted the reputations of WOW and Everquest since those people are remarkably shit at working nice with others (funny that). If you’re forming a group and some prepubescent hellspawn from the barren wastelands of Xbox Live gets into your party, the thought isn’t “He’s a good player, so it doesn’t matter if he’s an asshole”, the thought is “He’s an asshole, so it doesn’t matter if he’s a good player”. It makes grouping with random people less of a cringeworthy event when there’s no reason to put up with a social reject just to get your rare loot.

For a long time, I wouldn’t do pickup groups (PUGS) in DDO, because I’d seen what random people were like in WOW and other places, and I had neither time nor interest in that. But eventually, I gave it a try, and found that for the most part, actually, in almost every case, the people I randomly group with are all…well, okay. It’s not even unusual to have women playing as women, using voice chat, and I can say that in the years I’ve been playing DDO, I’ve never once heard “Tits or GTFO” or similar.

I’m not saying that kind of idiocy never happens, I’m just saying I’ve never encountered it, at least not on Khyber. DDO is inherently cooperative. Get a rep as a cockmonkey and you find yourself very alone, and unable to do a lot of the cooler runs. It also helps that Turbine doesn’t play. They have a rep for being rather banhappy, and I’m fine with that. It means that a lot of the problems with other players that you see in other MMOs don’t exist in nearly the same quantity on DDO.

So that’s a bit on my character. No, there was no point, I just felt like doing this. Oh, and my guild? Bored of the Rings. Because of course.

[pinteressay]

The Mona Lisa’s Perpetual Fame by Sofia Oeschger

I have always found it odd that one of the most famous paintings in the world is the Mona Lisa. It’s on the same level as Starry Night, The Creation of Venus, The Last Supper, Girl With a Pearl earring, and Water Lilies. I don’t feel that the quality, beauty, and feeling of this painting compare in any way to the other paintings with similar social standings. I have seen the Mona Lisa at the Louvre and it was just as boring and bland as it is on a screen. All the people I have discussed the topic with, agree that it isn’t a piece of art they are fond of. Because I don’t like this painting as much as it seems I should, I decided to research the painting and find out why and how it became so insanely famous all around the world. Through this research I was able to prove that it is an overrated painting.

While researching why and how the Mona Lisa became so famous, I found that although there were some revolutionary aspects of the painting and Leonardo Da Vinci is overall a famous and well known artist, the Mona Lisa was mostly famous due to strange publicity that it received over the years. Walter Pater, an english analyst and art critic from the 1800’s, wrote about how much he loved the painting. He wrote about the Mona Lisa a little over 300 years after Leonardo Da Vinci painted it. He was obsessed with not just the painting but Mona Lisa herself. Describing the darkness she carried and the wisdom he saw in her. He wrote many metaphors and analogies about her. Each described her as, dark, strange,and having lived a long life in some way. This writing piece brought a lot of attention to the painting when it was written as well as a few decades later when Oscar Wilde spoke about how wonderful his writings about the Mona Lisa were. When people discuss or critique the painting, they often use the words of Walter Pater to help express the emotion that it evokes. The Mona Lisa was not originally one of the most famous in the Louvre. It took a long time for it to become what it is now. What made it most famous was its theft in 1911. A man who had previously worked at the Louvre stole the painting out of its frame. The painting was gone for two entire years. Newspapers everywhere were talking about “the girl with the smile” and used quotes from Walter Pater's writing to address the Mona Lisa and its disappearance. People would go to the museum just to see it’s empty frame. Society was so interested in the story that it glamorized the painting itself. It gave it more value than it originally held. People became extremely interested in the idea of this painting. Since there were few (bad quality) photos of the painting, those who had never visited the Mona Lisa, didn’t know what she looked like. So once the Mona Lisa was returned to the Louvre, people came from all around the world to see her. To this day, there are people traveling to France to visit the Louvre in hopes of seeing and feeling something deep and enchanting about this painting.

At first glance, the painting itself is fine. Its nothing special and it’s clearly not a badly executed painting. I’m not an art critic by any means but I just don’t enjoy almost anything about the painting. The colors are depressing and uninviting. The background is bland and ugly with little color and boring terrain. The setting she is placed in, is not one many would like to be in. She seems to be in uninhabited land, but not the kind of beautifully untouched nature that is commonly painted. She is a pretty boring looking person with a boring expression on her face. Some critics believe her blank expression is what makes the painting so interesting, but I disagree. I find that it makes it less interesting and harder to see the artist's vision for the painting. Some art lovers want to figure things out for themselves when it comes to understanding arts meaning. But, art is made by the artist for the artist, not by the artist for the audience. An artist should put the meaning that they feel and want in their art so that the audience can understand what they were feeling or thinking when it was made. I want to know more about the subject and why it was made rather than it be up for interpretation. A crucial aspect to art is having a message. I wish I knew what Leonardo Da Vinci's message was in the Mona Lisa. I find it too unspecific to be making any point that a viewer could easily catch. I think that even when art has a clear meaning, it can still be up for some interpretation. If the Mona Lisa had a clearer meaning, I would appreciate it much more than I currently do.

Since I didn’t know the specifics about the Mona Lisa's composition, I decided to research it and find if it changed any of my original opinions. I found information about all the artistic aspects of the painting that I am not trained to focus on. I did this in hopes of getting a more holistic sense of what makes the painting so significant. I found out a fair amount about the painting that led me to better understand why many enjoy it. I first found that the paintings colors may have originally been more vibrant but after many years and layers of varnish, it has darkened and yellowed. This leads me to believe that it was once more of “my style”, with colorful scenery and an overall uplifting feel. I like paintings where the paint gives the canvas a 3D feeling. Art, in my opinion, should be beautiful and usually colorful. My favorite painting is ‘Antibes, The Pink Cloud’ which consists of blue, pink, and purple polka dots. It is so fun and vibrant and original. To me, it gives more credit to the painting because I personally enjoy more colorful and interesting works of art, making my dislike towards the painting simply a personal opinion. I also found that Leonardo Da Vinci used a certain technique with his edges that leaves her eyes and mouth in shadow. This creates the mystery that many viewers find and love in the painting. This aspect was harder for me to understand because I do not see any mystery in her face. It may be that I am now used to seeing this technique (because it has been centuries since it was first used) and it doesn't trick me into seeing mystery anymore. Mona Lisa is different from most portraits of the time because she is wearing plain and dark clothing. Most other portraits had people in intricate colored clothing. She may be dressed in dark and simple because she is believed to be in mourning. This makes the portrait a little more interesting to me because it shows sadness and vulnerability. Although I enjoy that aspect, I still personally enjoy the colorful and interesting clothing that is usually pictured in portraits of the same time period. Leonardo Da Vinci also used an uncommon technique in which he used light to define forms and create depth in the image. I would have never guessed that he used a depth technique because I find the painting to be very flat and two dimensional. Overall, I don’t see a reason why this is a revolutionary painting that should be well known and praised for its artistic significance.

The fact that the painting became so famous because of the story around it and the amount people talked about it, makes it very clear to me that is is overrated. Being known for its disappearance doesn’t make it a better painting, it just makes it well known. The Mona Lisa isn’t known for its artistic value and beauty, it is known because of the publicity around it. The Mona Lisa is the most famous painting in the world. Everyone knows what it is, the name of it, and the small smile that creeps across the subjects face. I know that most of my friends, my family, and even random people I decided to ask, think it is either mediocre or just not a good painting. But the fact that we all know what it is, is exactly why it is the painting with the biggest crowds and most viewers at the Louvre. I think that many people can agree that it is overrated but that doesn’t make it any less famous. Just because a lot of people dislike Madonna, doesn’t make her less famous of a singer. To this day, the fact that people like me decide to write an essay and talk about the painting is it so famous. It gives it more reason to be talked about and discussed among classrooms or with peers. I am taking my time to research and discuss a painting that I don’t even like, but that give it the merit that it has earned. The more controversy that is stirred up around it, the more people will go to France to see it for themselves. The more they will discuss why or why not seeing it in person was so life changing to them. It is perpetually famous because it is so controversial and it will always bring up conversations like the one I discussed in this essay.

 For Additional Reading: 

https://www.vox.com/2016/9/20/12941736/mona-lisa-famous

 https://news.avclub.com/theft-and-publicity-made-the-mona-lisa-the-world-s-most-1798252141

 https://www.khanacademy.org/questions/why-is-the-mona-lisa/kafb_3601285

 https://www.artble.com/artists/leonardo_da_vinci/paintings/mona_lisa