#whatever. *i* understood what you meant suzanne

[petruchio]

me when this website forces me to read another brain dead take about the hunger games that i have no reason to respond to because the person isn’t even talking to me and i just have to accept the fact that im apparently the only person on the planet who understands themes and narratives in literature

[popcorn-for-dinner]

Dammit, there I go doubting myself again

Quite often, I catch myself replaying the various crossroad decisions that led to me choosing my current, creative path over more traditional job prospects. I have regularly found comfort in the belief that not only was this the right choice, but it was also the only choice.  

You couldn’t have done anything else.  

However, recently, I’ve found myself second-guessing a lot of those decisions my motivations behind them and naturally, their eventual results.

Doubt has, unfortunately, become a familiar foe. It has managed to creep in and settle in a very hard to reach corner of my psyche. Like an infuriating itch nestled at the centre of my back, I can’t seem to reach it, as hard as I may try. Every failed attempt just enables it to grow louder.  

Should you have chosen this path? Was it worth it?  

It’s not too late to do the normal thing.  

Look at how well your mates are doing!

At first, I regarded it as simply outgrowing my youthful naivete- I had always appreciated how difficult it could be and maybe now I was finally witnessing it. However, as it became louder and more insidious, I quickly realised that this was more than just disillusionment.  

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by several brilliant people and whenever a friend on the earlier mentioned traditional path marked a victory, I wholeheartedly enjoyed their success. I was unreservedly happy for them; I basked in their successes as if they were mine. Whenever my mind started to drift into making comparisons, I would reassure myself with trite expressions like “we are on different journeys” or “everyone’s race is different”. Whether I believed them or not didn’t matter, they did the job and if all else failed, I reminded myself that I could always get free meals from them.

However, there was something different with the successes of my creative friends. This was where the itch found its voice. I was still unabashedly happy for them and I took my role as their biggest cheerleader very seriously. But here, my sayings couldn’t placate me anymore. Despite whatever differences in our starting points, we were on the same journey. We were in the same race; our goal was the same. So, why was I not any closer to achieving said goal?

There was this intriguing battle going on within me- a rare occurrence where two very different things were somehow coexisting. I was able to be happy for them and I gleefully spoke of their brilliance to anyone that would (or wouldn’t) listen. However, unlike with my other friends, I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate their wins as my own. It made me feel like a fraud- if I was good enough, then I wouldn’t have to celebrate their wins as my own because I would be celebrating my own wins.  

Are you good enough?

You aren’t good enough.

It was here that I recognised that this feeling, this voice nestled in me was a bit more than just a harmless itch. It had slowly assumed a form I could recognise, one I could name. Impostor Syndrome.  

Impostor syndrome, coined by two psychologists, Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes in a 1978 paper,  is a psychological state where one doubts the validity of their accomplishments and status. They have an internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud because they believe they aren’t as good as everyone thinks they are and they only have their accomplishments by luck. Clance would even go on to create a test which categorises how deeply the syndrome/phenomenon affects an individual’s life. You can take that test here and I urge everyone to do so.

I’ve come to find that impostor syndrome is an equal opportunity offender. It’s a beast that cuts across all disciplines, practitioners and interests. I understand it as a universal feeling experienced by most people doing something they care about.

Interestingly, I try to see that as a positive - You fear because you care!

Similar to any other mental occurrence, recognising and naming the problem is only the first step. The fact that I recognised it as Impostor Syndrome or that I understood the fallacy surrounding the syndrome, didn’t make it seem any less frightening or feel any less real. After all, the doubt had been able to grow for a reason. It was able to spread within me because I was truly afraid of it.

I was afraid that it was right, that I wasn’t good enough.

I was afraid that the people who thought similarly would soon be very vocal.  

I was afraid that those who had supported me so far would realise that I was a fraud and turn on me.

Well, quite frankly, fuck them.  

It was now on me to decide to no longer live in that fear. The execution would not be as instant as the decision, but I had to be resolute. I knew how important the execution was. I knew I had to take these required steps in order to be comfortable enough to start accruing my own wins.  

Like most mental and emotional occurrences, dealing with self-doubt and impostor syndrome is a continuous process. It is not something that ever completely goes away. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you belong at the table, in that room. Like the itch, you can never, really, get to it fully. What you can and must do is never give up.  

It’s a continuous battle that is made even more difficult if you are a racial or gender minority. But it’s a battle we have to wage. We are already excluded from those rooms so the last thing we need hampering any potential success is self-doubt. In the words of former First Lady Michelle Obama, the people in those rooms are “not that smart”, so if you are not yet in the room, work like hell to get in. If you are in, keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be there, because there are people plotting to take your spot if you give them the opening. More often than not, they are playing with a deck more stacked than yours so don’t let self-doubt disqualify you before the game has even begun.  

I wish I could provide a step-by-step solution to anyone reading this who empathises with this situation. Unfortunately, this blog has never pretended to be one to provide the important answers. In fact, it’s probably a fair assessment that I put forward more questions than answers. 

What I do know though, is that nothing can be achieved without standing tall, staring in the face of the doubt and walking through it. Without that courage and determination to face the demons, all the answers in the world won’t be worth the paper they are printed on. Irrespective of whatever other solutions we may encounter in the future, locating and embracing our inner strength is the only way we can expect to overcome our self-created obstacles. Luckily, we all have that courage within us. It might be more difficult for some to access and others may not even believe that it’s there but it is.  

I expected that over the weeks (months) it would take me to finish this piece, I would cry at my laptop at least once and honestly, it was fine. Granted, I knew it was coming so I was over-prepared but that rare cry meant something. It meant I was still invested in this, the nagging doubt hiding in the corner hadn’t won yet, I’m still doing what I love and still willing to fight for it.  

So, it means, I’ll fight again tomorrow.  

Bankole Imoukhuede,  

@banky_I