#whatever the fuck the my ai thing is on snapchat i will never use that shit

[xicanaroja]

Good morning to everyone except people who support AI.

[mylawcitrus]

My actual job

I'm an English teacher, in case you didn't know. It's hard to "restart" on the internet, because usually I suppose the haters who brought you down (I've lost accounts, I've deleted accounts, and a bunch of people left me because of whatever reason) keep making sure you're still at the bottom, unless they're too tired and there's another person they wanna bother.

I wish that didn't sound controversial. I don't "bother" anyone, I put some kind of blind trust which we should all have second thoughts on to meet people with what I could say are mutual interests, but I have mistakes along the way, like criiticizing sex workers for spam. Those people are marginalized as fuck and trying to make a basic living. While I don't sell, I've had an OnlyFans account and the thing that happened with Pornhub, honestly, I don't understand until this day. It's just a website I visit once a week, maybe. Like, it's totally not what people seem to think, but who knows, with marketing these days.

About Omegle, I should pass the fucking baton to somebody else who understands shit about algorithms and moderation, because I just have a few stories of incredible people I met there and I happen to keep them in my mind. The way I've talked about it and maybe the way I've acted probably makes it sound like I see the website as a definitive instant camfuck thing. You're gonna find people who lean into that, but my history with it is a lot more than whatever I did in a given day or so, I've been visiting, on and off obviously, for 13 years. And apparently people don't realize that, or maybe they do, but that only makes me confused as fuck and I just want my safe space on social media and in life, please. Women who I've been with know the many sides of me and if they saw me laying in bed looking for online sex on Omegle they'd probably be like "dude, Tinder exists". I've heard precisely that from one of my exes. But I don't like Tinder.

And I'd like people to know that whoever uses your image for purposes that damage your honor and reputation are breaking the law. I've written about this. It seems that younger people started an "exposing culture" but forgot to be decent human beings. Maybe it's because we're not interested in their daily lives and we don't see that, and then they catch us doing stupid shit and wanna talk about it all day. There's different moments... I'm seeing such a lack of understanding around this topic! I was thinking that the webcam was somehing norrmal, now I'm supposed to think about whatever's happening on freaking Snapchat and I have days where I just wanna be left alone and have a good night of sleep, but wake up the next day and have something to look forward to, and if you can't understand that for many years that was talking to a special person on a video call, then I'm sorry, but I'll just go as far as saying: "we're different". But I sure hope there's an effort to understand my side, especially when frustration mounts and some stories and untold or badly told (very common).

The rest? I have tons of stuff I've published, I might not have a great idea to share every day but I'm a fucking human being, not generative AI. And precisely on that, they've inserted bias on the way that stuff is classified on the web and nobody's asking me how it all started, how I deal with stuff, whether or not I'm fucking okay, you know? And that shit sucks. So honestly, I hope people wake up to the fact that we have good and bad days, and if you're like a teenager who wants to do something you mom and dad wouldn't like you to do, I'm not saying don't listen to them. Its important to have guidance. But in my life I've done sstuff differently and I'm the one who deals with shit that I've set my mind on 20 years ago, and all I can say is I'm sorry if I've never compared the scale of things but today it's all very fast and this post may mean absolutely nothing, though it comes from a hard reality of being vulnerable as fuck and having to deal with intense scrutiny everywhere, for absolutely no reward, though I'm perfectly aware I shouldn't have a Nobel or anything, but like I said on Instagram, a little pat on the back would be pretty nice.

Thanks and if you're hanging on Live I'll say hi, but you can get to know me better if you want by exploring some of the stuff I've published or asking me about my music, my poetry, following me out of commaraderie or just sending good vibes, I'm not asking anyone to open their wallets but I have a Bandcamp, a Patreon and a Substack, so if you think this matters, the channel IS open.

Thanks again.

[magpiewords]

Sugar and Snow

This was way too much fun to write. Text-talk style is my guilty pleasure. The title isn’t my best, but half the story is about a ski trip and half of it is about sufganiyot.

It was the sixth night and no one was home. Steve shouldn’t have been surprised, they were all busy people. The fact that nothing alien or super powered had threatened the world in the past few weeks was a miracle all on it’s own. He was grateful for the peaceful days they had together, but he was left wanting more as he stood alone in the kitchen, mading a single sandwich out of leftover brisket. There weren’t even any latkas left to heat up, and he really didn’t feel like making more if he was just by himself.

He was on the last bites of his sandwich when his phone buzzed. A lone text message from Tony. [check snapchat]

Steve was just happy with was in actual English instead of whatever amalgamation of emojis the genius was prone to communicate with. Bucky had picked up on that new language fast enough, which seemed to give everyone else clearance to speak solely in pictures on the team group text. They were having so much fun and Steve didn’t have the heart to tell them he felt left out.

Snapchat wasn’t as bad. It took him a little longer than everyone else to figure out, but once he did, he loved it. It was still more pictures than words, but it was pictures of real life. Usually it was selfies or sneaky pictures of Clint asleep at a stakeout. The stickers were really fun and everyone seemed to enjoy the drawings Steve could create after Natasha had given him a stylus.

He opened the app, noticing several notifications waiting for him on the team thread. A video of Sam walking past some birds on his way to meet with an advisor for his master’s degree, a series of photos in which Bucky braided Thor’s hair, and finally, one photo from Tony.

The geo-filter said Los Angeles in a fancy type, and the image was of a giant donut sign above a building. The caption must have been what he wanted Steve to see.

[THEY MAKE SUFGANIYOT AND IM SCREAMING want some???]

The rest of the picture was filled with heart-eye emojis and what looked like water droplets. Steve chuckled to himself and snapped a photo of his open palm. It only took a minute to doodle a cartoon donut on the image.

[I would love one.]

Tony didn’t reply for a while, but Steve had already put his phone away and made himself comfortable in the living room. Everyone else had missions and meetings and “Thor’s never been skiing so we’re going upstate for the day”, but Steve had things to do too. Important things like…

Well, he had his sketch book and some podcasts. That was fine.

It could have been five minutes or a few hours, but Steve’s phone turned on and didn’t seem to stop. He scrambled to pull it out of his pocket; it would only go off like this if he was getting a phone call which probably meant villainy had finally stopped taking a vacation. If that was the case, though, wouldn’t Jarvis be alerting him too?

Instead of a phone call, he was rapidly getting a string of text messages.

TStark: buck how could u fail us like this???

Bucky: wut im skiing i literally did nothing

Widow: winter soldier sucks at winter sports btw

Bucky: fuck off

Hawkeye: haha i want pics

TStark: no shut up

TStark: steve’s never had Sigmund Freud

TStark: i mean stuff and yaks

TStark: autocorrect bullshit i cant do this while flying

Col.Rhodes: DON’T TEXT AND FLY

Col.Rhodes: We talked about this

TStark: S U F G A N I Y O T

Widow: omg bucky how could u

Steve had barely caught up with the string of texts when his snapchat notified him again. It was from Natasha’s account, but someone else was filming. Likely Thor, if the camera half being covered by a thumb was anything to go by. The video featured Natasha and Bucky, both on skis at the bottom of a slope they must have just come down. With one solid shove, she pushed him into a snow bank. There was shouting and laughter before the video cut out.

Bucky: tony i need a new phone tash got snow in mine

TStark: haha nice

TStark: but seriously

TStark: every1 get home asap so we can eat these

Hawkeye: dont u have an AM meeting tomorrow?

Col.Rhodes: Pepper is not going to be happy about this.

Another snapchat notification, this time with a photo taken from the Iron Man armor’s outside cameras. Tony didn’t just have a box of donuts, he had a crate, carrying it on the suit’s shoulders like he would carry building materials. The photo was surrounded by thumbs up emojis and a small bit of text in the corner. Steve leaned in, just barely reading it before the image timed out.

[I told Sir that I do not approve]

Steve chuckled again, glancing up at the ceiling. “He giving you too much trouble, Jarvis?”

“At least I got him to stop texting and flying. The trade off is I have to type his messages for him. And he is very particular about the placement of those emoticons.” The AI sounded the closest Steve had ever heard him to exhausted.

Another video came in, this time from Sam. The camera was facing him as he walked across campus.

“I was in a meeting,” He sounded furious, but it was too over the top. Steve knew what a truly angry Sam sounded like, so this must be played up for a joke. “In a meeting with my graduate advisor and my phone sounds like the end of the world. She asks me if it’s Avengers business and I have to look her dead in the eye, with all you still texting me, and tell her to ignore it.” The camera rapidly moved as Sam seemed to throw up his hands. “Now she thinks I value my studies over saving the world and you know what, right now I think I do!”

The video ended, followed with a short text message.

Falcon: You guys suck

The rest of the team replied with a series of different emojis, ranging from laughing symbols to something with birds that was probably a Falcon related joke Steve didn’t quite get.

Falcon: T I want those donuts when I get home

TStark: what’s that birdy? i should go faster??

Jarvis: Sir is already breaking several interstate flight regulations, please do not encourage him.

Col.Rhodes: damnit sam

Widow: save some for us!

“Iron Man should be landing at the tower in fifteen minutes.” Jarvis reported. Steve could hear the coffee machine in the kitchen start to power up. “Mr. Wilson will be arriving in twenty. Agent Romanoff, Sergeant Barnes, and Thor are leaving the ski lodge and are due home in just under two hours.”

“You work way too hard, Jarvis.” Steve slid his phone to silent, knowing Jarvis would tell him if there was anything important, and went back to sketching.

“Captain, you have no idea.”

Exactly fifteen minutes later, Tony was on the landing platform outside the tower windows. He all but dragged the crate into the kitchen, opening it and pulling out smaller cardboard boxes. He walked into the living room with a spring in his step, pastry in one hand, cell phone in the other.

“Those don’t look like your usual donuts, Tony.” Steve said. It looked more like a small cake with powdered sugar on top.

Tony didn’t say a word, just kept the camera on Steve as he shoved the pastry in the soldier’s face. Steve took a bite, jelly gushing around the sides as flavor overwhelmed his senses. His eyes must have been comically wide as Tony started laughing before lowering his phone. A few seconds later, as Steve was cradling the donut to prevent any jelly or crumbs from getting on the couch, his own phone went off. He let out a sigh, half annoyed despite the something warm curling inside him, knowing the rest of the team would get to share the moment of his first sufganiyot with him.

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[noro-noro-noro]

complaint

summary: i’ve been really fucking angry for the past 3 hours and i have no good reasons to be angry and that in turn is making me more angry but the longer i write this the more i just feel bad

actually that was part lies!! well i know part of the reason i’m pissed is that my phone is shit and it takes at least 20 seconds for it to do anything i tell it to do, like i’ll tap snapchat, and then ten minutes will pass while i’m waiting for it to do anything. and all my apps are randomly crashing as well and it’s like come on you shitty piece of metal you have a worthless amount of storage space so i can have like 7 apps on you because some chucklehead thought a phone with 4.5GB of space was a good thing and i was even more an idiot to buy this thing. and now it goes and tells me i don’t have a sim card so i take the back off the fucking thing and shocker!!! the sim card is exactly where it should be!!!!! fuck you phone!!! fuck whatever the fuck else is making me angry!!!

what’s making me angry aside from that//? my chinese midterm is tomorrow & i cannot fucking focus on SHIT so there’s still 33% of the content i’ve just fucking given up on because i can’t FOCUS. all of lesson 8 is just onna be a big huge fucking blank later tosay because i CNA’T THINK OF WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. 

the design project is also due tomorrow and it looks so fucking ugly and i don’t know how we’re supposed to submit it?? as an .ai document??? in acrobat?? by the way i don’t fucking know how to use acrobat because it’s something i’ve never used before!! any tutorials in acrobat for me to learn???? anyone who can help me? no!! it’s too late now!!! and it looks!! so!! fucking!! bad!!! but oh this is what the professor wanted. it’s UNIQUE now. i got a B overall on the midterm review because my work is GOOD. but it’s not OUTSTANDING. i pick things based on how the appeal to me to do art with but apparently the stuff that appeals to me is not the stuff that appeals to my rpfoessors that will get me a Good Fucking Grade. maybe if i turn in something that looks like a bunch of sticks thrown against the wall that’ll be unique and cool. 

also i’m really mad at my friends for NO FUCKING REASON. they did nothing. nothing happened. i didn’t see any of them today except on their snap stories where they looked like they were having fun withou tme. which is allowed to happen because that happens from time to time!!! and i one of my friends i haven’t seen in literal years was on campus but i didn’t get to see her because she was busy. and that’s fine too!! you’re allowed to be busy!!!! i don’t want to be angry for no reason though because that jjust makes me feel like a shitty person fuck you

i think another reason i’m angry is because i was getting really anxious about something that happened back in december that my friends like to tease me about. shocker i want to erase that event from my memory!! it stresses me out too much!! i’m so glad everyone thinks it’s funny because at the time i was strangely cool & collected but jwill you just!!! shut! the! fuck! up! i want to FORGET that because it fucking wrecked my confidence in myself and you all come back in here with “haha remember that thing you did?” yes i fucking remember it still haunts me to this fucking day. maybe this is the thing i’m mad about. if you’re one of my friends that do this and you’ve gained the idea of the event i’m talking about, fantastic!! shut the fuck up about it now thanks

i’m in one of those destructive moods too but i’ve got nothign to take it out on which means i just walk around with the urge to punch a hole in a wall or cut all my fingers off or something for hours until i go to sleep and wake up and hate my fucking self because keeping this kind of pent up anger in my body always does that!!  it’s not even that i want to self-harm to remove stress or anything, because i’m not realyl into that. i just wnat ot do something violent and destructive to get all this out. and i want whatever i’m attacking to have a texture. like it would be fucking great to sink my teeth into someone’s flesh and just claw and tear because that’s the easiest way to get rid of that feeling and ui’ juhst want to dashaghewjkhilkjsfsdgaukjesfdiokl asdfioklaj it’s a good thing i don’t have long nails i hate these moods i hate them so much 

a definite part of this reason is i haven’t really eaten. i gained weight over break so my brain goes “oh no you are 2lbs over your usual weight and this is not allowed fuck you you’re not going to eat now.” and i’m like “aight”. is this mildly concerning?? yeah probably. i hate wanting to admit that i have an issue with my body image. i don’t get it. i see all these body positivity posts & my brain goes “everyone is so cute!! but not you. your body is bad unless you maintain weight homeostasis at 115lbs.” usually i’m right around 115 so i feeel okay with myself & like “hey i don’t look so bad!” and i don’t even have to worry about being fat anyway because i’m always underweight so even if i gain like 10 pounds i’m still “healthy”. and i end up eating anyway and nothing happens because people’s weight fluctuates and it’s fine. i’m still not hungry, though. i’m tired of eating what’s available. 

now that i’m on the topic of positivity posts, i hate them. like i know they’re good for other people & i’m glad other people can feel happy by reading them! they fully deserve to know people care about them & whatever they’re giong through. but honestly? the person who writes them doesn’t know me. i don’t care about some person i’m never going to meet going “you are valid uwu!!!” fuck you and the horse you rode in on. you don’t fucking know me. you’ve literally never met me. how can you pretend to care? there is no way you can care. you don’t even know if i looked at your positivity post. if i didn’t look at it you wouldn’t be affected in any way. you wouldn’t fucking know. it’s like pointin to a random stranger and going “you are important. you are valid uwu.” and that person could be the scum of the earth. it’s just a load of bullshit. it’s impossible to care about someone you don’t know exists. i reblog them anyway because i have a lot of followers and some of them might need that positive feeling anyway.

i know there are people who care about me & be upset if i disappeared. but i don’t need them telling me i’m valid bc for the most part i’m happy with myself. occasionally i go through edgy phases like the one i’m in right now. then they cycle away. 

if you read this pretend you didn’t read it. don’t even like this post thanks