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chaoscrystals · 7 years ago

Text

Every note in my phone 23

I think its hard to have mixed DNA white with anything. sometimes I want to cry becauuse I share the colonizers blood. That's some white guilt. I guess you don't realize how much your silence is hurting my feelings. I guess we need to talk because i don't understand how you can be so very interested in me and getting me to go to you. Then I do and it feels like relief. The night is over and I go about my way, I send you messages because I want to see you and talk to you more, maybe you feel my neediness but suddenly all the enthusiasm is gone. Did I hurt you in some way? Can I make it better? Or are you really just keeping your distance? I don't understand. Im trying to. So I guess we should talk? Unless you don't want to Which is fine But it's not fine if you act like you do when you don't. Is it because I'm needy and awkward? Is it because I hold on to awkwardness longer than i need to? Is it my self defense? Why am I so interesting up until the point when I know I want you? Then its nothing Did I hurt you? Because this is really hurting me I want to kill myself. Maybe you really would be better off with tuli. Who am I to stand in your way. Why won't you talk to me now? I'm gonna cry ** Dear Michael, This is the second letter. I find myself overly concerned with what you're thinking about me. I'm really worried that you aren't ever going to love me and maybe you don't even like me. I really need someone right now. I really need something out of you. Why do you vanish when I want you so badly? Its almost like you don't want to see my neediness. That idea hurts me. Am i not Trying hard enough? ** Its causle I'm not helping and no ones helping me process my feelings no one believes me ** My dad Image of perfection A lot of emotions and water A lot of food and emotional duress, stress, pressure I wish every man was my dad I can't focus I want to touch little kids I want to smoke cigarettes and drink beer This music is intoxicating Every man wants her And so I want her Young I want to run her hands Run my hands up her shirt Michael I feel lonely Listen to me whine about it Jonathan doesn't love me Nothing is ever going to make it better And to top it off I lost you Lets go on a date Lets go somewhere Lets forget about it And fantasize about what it would be like if we had it True love Everlasting love and glory Falling on the floor Pushing out a baby ** What to do today: Email shrine Die Excercise I guess not clean shit Regret life as a whole Die again I wish someone was watching me Not everything can be poetry I wish it would all go away The images im going to hold in my heart today are this: Ryan finding a home Going on a trip ** I fucked Ariel again I liked it but I didn't like it He didn't hit me hard enough The second time I wasn't really feeling it And I know why but I was too embarrassed to say Because I don't want to fuck them out of sheer pleasure, but because I think if I have sex with them then we have a bond I liked fucking Michael better Maybe he just needs to get better at it I need to charge my phone I don't want to have no self worth. I just wanna watch it die. My phone. The internet is breeding a new wave of shorthand, of short comments. Why does it feel so bad but I want it If I really only want him for whatever "connection" I get/he has, I can't have that relationship because it wouldnt feel right. If I don't really like him. Hah. I'm not even sure of my own motives. I wanna watch it die. I'm breathing in breeding Brooding Babying If I was only f February 18th 2018 7:42 pm I wish it was that easy, the admission "I love you" and the instant bond. Its not easy. Telling someone I loves them was never easy and it never works for me..see she doesn't judge me. You judge me. Ariel judges me It hurts. My kidneys. Cross-eyed dizzy clumsy fingers February 19th 2018 10:29 Am You could have had Jonathan but you too weak to hold on to a man You have no self worth Today is my dads birthday ** Things I need Drum shit (heads, stands, cymbals, hi hat clutch, throne) Guitar case Focus ** A lot about the way you objectify and present to people, your confidence is one particle, and I need someone else to see, Can I trust myself February 13th 2018 7:17 pm I really hope he reads this one day Breathe I really didn't get a chance to network with you yet, hi my name is Nova lets change the course of the future...lets install solar panels, lets pay the artists more than we pay ourselves Lets be ourselves I keep thinking about juliets show. Thinking I wanted to go but like...resisting it too. I'm so distracted. I want to go cause I think maybe ill see Jonathan. Ill see juno and Juliet but mostly. . I want to see Jonathan. Can I re orient myself so..I don't have to go today but we can still be friends? Should I keep it up? Should I keep hoping its all gonna come up and ill finally have my love. I'm doing magic. I'm practicing spells. I can't control him. He didn't want that. He didn't like it. Or...somewhere he liked it but...didn't wanna admit it I'm just wondering, what's the best decision, what can I do to strengthen my community, or my sense of self, or what can I do to get a new pipe, what can I do that's inspired, am I just fooling everyone because they have a crush on me? Am I hibernating for the winter? With the end of the winter came the end of my obsession with Jonathan February 14th 2018. 9:21 pm I spent about 2 and a half hours wondering whether I should head out to Brooklyn or not. I've decided to just let it go because I feel tired, which is partly because I smoked indica a few times today, god I'm a lowlife, and because my mom just gave me a big chunk of cash so I am kind of okay on money, and I'm getting my period in a few days, and I feel tired and sick and depressed and I want to eat and be alone and watch gossip girl. Yeah that's a lot for a simple decision. But that's how I feel And I'm messaging Michael on the side. No skin to skin contact. I want it to be real and I want him to not smoke and not drink. I can't change him. I can't change anyone. I only have myself for now. This is taking such a long time to achieve. A whole year back from brazil and I'm only just now feeling okay getting out of bed.do I get a free passed to be depressed for my mental illness and my eating disorder? Do I get a free pass to skip out on participating in society because of my sickness? Do I need to show you my card? No? My back hurts. Is that okay? I mean I already did it so I might as well sink into it. The warmth surrounding my spine, the warmth from laying down with nowhere to go. Under the blankets in my dusty room. Overturning seasons are gonna shift me, maybe catapult me out of bed, get something new into my head and heart, a fresh start, turning seasons clashing winds I'm stoned ** I swept in with a green arm from my heart, I recently became alarmed, i lived for good hearted cheats ** There were once 4 friends There were 6 friends 8 friends To begin With a heart wrenching grin, something I've never felt before, raw, fresh brain and blood, carrots and celery Fresh frequency vibration, fresh obsession To begin to let him in, I catch the initial impulse to grin and to do things that make me giggle, how can this be? We wanted it so badly. We were going to win it I'm tired I failed I'm broken We wanted it so badly So desperately The longing sure brought distance, confusion and dismay The distance brought more distance And that's the way it stayed It wasn't ready yet There were fruit trees and global warming superfoods, stress relieving teas, tincture and oils, it was the place of your dreams. There was no more running around. It was an oasis. The hardest drug was white sugar Old vibrations I was violated like every woman has been I didn't let false memories in This is what was going to kill him The guilt, dismay and distance, The stark madness of his bloodline The starved for attention side The not-quite-as starved for attention side Old distractions Old veils of lace collecting dust in a wooden house. The dust is overwhelming. ** Yeah I had a vision It was self serving I had an intuition And that was self serving too I had a charitable notion That made me feel good I wanted to wail, sing, scream, cry and collapse I wonder how it sounds joyously If joy was the secret ingredient Please be safe Yeah I had a vision I had to go back to the beginning To be a single serving Single cell Alone and lonely Alone but not lonely Waiting for the train Waiting for the performances to start I had a charitable notion And it fit in perfectly with the rhythms I had come to know as the "Rhythms of life" That resonate inside and out I'm lonely and it sinks into my body ** Performance 2/9 Garota de ipanema Linha de frente Je cherche un homme So sei dancar com voce Love me or leave me Blue skies God bless the child The very thought of you Moi je joue (?) Corazon culpable Ok ok Help me I love her red hair I love kanes strangeness I'm falling in love with Jonathan's friends I come from Kansas I come from the desert I've come to find you We were meant to be together Ok help my comment ** I have horrible boundaries sometimes. It would have been easy to feed off me but I ran to hide away and at least bleed in peace February 8 12:04 am Why do I miss Ariel and Michael and these men that can just drop me Why do I even care? February 8 8:41 am My body is all out of whack. I'm holding my shit in so they can test it at the doctors and see if I still have a parasite..I hope its okay. My man he song he don't love me I wonder what size my waist is now Shit 110 pounds 85 pounds. No, i don't want to be helpless. But I am helpless. Its gonna eat me. I'm gonna hardly eat I feel like I can't stop. Am I eating disorder again or is this healthy...? Don't go under 100 12:42 pm They wouldn't see me cause ibdont have insurance I have Michael and spirit guides In my pocket Wrapped around string on my finger Fingertips are red Distractions. Retract exact upset perfect worth it 110 85 countdown crap I'm psycho again, I'm slurring my words, someone take me away, I'm sinking, what do I want? What will i take away? I want bread and sea salt. Potassium chloride Distractions SiO2 Fe4 February 9 2018 Still obsessed with Jonathan. And Michael. But more so Jonathan. And duke. But mostly Jonathan I have some questions: Is it because he is actually perfect for me...or am I losing it and projecting all my fantasies on him. I want to be seen as someone with power, as a queen, as a solid entertainer, sometimes a recluse... I don't... I had a dream what was just me holding him for a long time. I loved that feeling. My whole life I'm just afraid that I'm imagining things! Still. After all these years, I'm still having problems because I think I'm imagining things I perceive. Every note was right, every notion was right. Im going to find you. I sniffed him out, I did it, I really fucking did it, I knew who I wanted to see and I found them by following my heart. .. It feels so mystical to me Okay. So I need to know if its me he was dreaming of as a teenager. That's something i might be imagining? I love feeling his feelings and hearing him. I think it's really sad that my insecurities are blocking me off from getting to know him. In holding myself back for a few reasons. I feel like I always set myself up for and expect heartbreak. So why try right? Sigh. Wrong. It was worth it to watch them play and talk and learn about him. He's water and I'm fire What is the point of this even happening? Its flushing to the surface all my obsessive thoughts and jealousy. I don't know if I'm going to be okay. Because its not just allegra, its not just ali or Rowan or Celeste, its all of them, and me thinking about it is probably just going to make it happen. I'm anticipating this tragedy. I want to eat. I want to understand, because it's not just Jonathan Edelstein its every man. Why I become fixated, and I need them to satisfy my every whim and just...be like me. But I want to be like him. I really like how they accept me. I like the memories from the summer of going to his shows to gauge his reactions to me and find out if it was worth it. I like my memory of kissing him outside terra firma. I could swim in it, I could swim in the anticipation and knowing it was going to happen before it happened, and deciding that night would be the night I kissed them again. I want to go home and have someone else in my bed.. I'm swimming in my fantasies I like my memory of making out at the glove. And feeling clumsy. And feeling him. My heart.... I wonder what they're thinking about. And I'm uncovering all these desires i had that I wasnt aware of. All these scars and blisters I thought were just a part of my personality are taking on new meaning. I don't know. This is fun but I can't help but think the relationship is doomed. I'm too in my head, too paranoid and schizophrenic to be able to have a real relationship, I'm too demanding, and I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to me above everyone else. I'm too demanding. Doomed. My fate is sealed, I will end up in tears. My heart lead me to Jonathan, and my heart is telling me "this is it" This is going to make me cry. It already has. I'm going to want to throw myself in front of a train. I already do. How could it get any worse? It can get worse. I'm going to get frantic if he comes to my show tomorrow. I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit up all my thoughts. I'm going to render myself incapable of functioning in mainstream society. I'm going to kill someone. I don't want to believe its doomed to end with me crying. Maybe relationships aren't really like that. Maybe we can just develop together forever and have other partners. What if they fall in love with someone else? I have to accept their decisions. What if they don't fall in love with me? I have to accept their decisions. I'm going to kill someone. Its not me is it? Why am I being this way? This is more extreme than before. I don't want them to be free. I would keep him in a tank in my bedroom. I wish he was like, a ken doll, but still Jonathan. This is going to end badly, im going to get frantic when I see them. How can I establish my position as "someone you want to know" and "someone you come home to" or whatever it is I'm wanting. I feel like I want to wipe out the whole rest of the world so I can be alone with then. I can't do that ** So if I deposit all the cash I have In my room I still won't have enough for the guitar. If I move everything from my venmo and PayPal I think I will have enough.. For the first payment. Then I basically need to have 100 dollars in my bank every month for like, 4 months Is it bad that I still like duke? If I can make the first payment on the guitar then I will be able to have the guitar ** February 4th 2018 SHARE THE SURPLUS SPARE CHANGE PROSPERITY BROKEN TRAIN OF THOUT BROOKLYN DISTRACTION INFATUATION DUKE EMILY JAMES JONATHAN RAIMES I LOVE YOU February 6th 2018 2:11pm Mildew is mold old is not taken care of, nobody cared about me, kassie, duke I wanted them all I wanted their skins and hair. White black brown I dont care. I wanted their skins. 6:35 pm Yea maybe you're thinking everything up. You're feeling everything. Screaming. Staying on task. I just need a hug **January 28 2018 2:49pm About to lose it. Honestly I kind of like the idea of having a breakdown. I kind of want it. I want things to fly out of my control. I'm making myself lose weight again. Hopefully it doesn't get out of hand, but i feel like hope isn't going to be enough for me to keep my grip on being healthy. I have to genuinely want to be healthy. And part of me...doesn't want that....part of me wants to be messed up. And I know why. I know why I see it. I know why I see it, I see myself singing in subway tunnels singing earnest deadbeat artist, I see it I see myself, imagining colors. Help I I I I I I I I I i don't know what to do about this obsession, the same one Its the same. Its because of my family its because of society. I'm exhausted. This ruby around my neck is speaking to me I can't help it I need help I want this desperate feeling more than anything and the desperate feeling Wants me, I must be running low on serotonin But more than serotonin or oxytocin I want friends, I want someone special Help me I need help. Everyone is doing better than me and nobody sees me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck why did I write that letter You know what that's really how I feel. It was that or starve yourself so he'd notice you!!!!! What's wrong with me I think ill do both Help me help me help me 1/29/2018 9:15 am Thank god Maybe I should have not said anything I'm tired See colors flashing See people dancing I'm tired Maybe I should have never written that doctor That letter Need a latte That doctor Need a doctor For my intestines and herniated walls Hemmorhage Hemmorhage Significance February 2nd 2018 10:25 pm Hey duke, hi, you make me nervous, and excited. I still like you. Is that bad? Is that ok? I can't think straight.... Is it bad that I still feel attracted to you? My intestines ** If I tried too hard would you still like me Willl you smile my way will you even give me the time of day My fantasy not easy to please and today I really hope to hold you in my arms And sigh a long time, I'm so tired of life, but boy do you look good under a gray sky I miss you so bad, you were the love I at once had, and I've never truly had. I love you dearly no matter what you say to me, being in your arms is a sugar high. It was never a waste of time Now you're far away again But in my head I can hold you close to my chest I'm writing another love song today Another earnest and yearning Another please notice me kind of melody I can't get it right So I'm not gonna try ** January 27 11:09 am In case you didn't understand what I was saying I'm still really into you I have a crazy theory i will need you to confirm or negate But wait because I don't want to come off so crazy. Maybe its too late for that. I'm not that bad. I could have actually stalked you if I had wanted to and I kind of did but I was never going to follow you to your house. I promise I'm honest. I say what I'm thinking. It would take a lot for me to be that obsessed But relatively I'm still kind of obsessed I'm cringing at myself. Wow. I really kind of spilled my guts to you. I was in disbelief for most of the night. I dont know what the right move for you is or if there even is one. But honestly anything you say to me gets interpreted the same way "He's into me" Because I'm into you Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I always used isolation as my best way to deal with external stressors. What do i even want from you? What do you want from me? I'm starting to get new opinions. I get new opinions every day Everything's my fault Sad songs I'm thinking about fucking you again which means its going to happen unless I completely turn in the opposite direction Honestly I felt just as jealous when I saw you talking to Rowan Maybe not EVERY girl but a lot And I know that's my problem now Anything I understand. Its your nature. You probably talk to everyone like that. God your so accepting and supportive I'm gonna fucking come You're lucky you guys had basements Help me I live in an apartment I can't have a drum set here Once I start making real money I'm going to get a house Anything for my feelings, to feel good, to feel like myself. I digress What's best is nothing I like everything the way it is. I was hoping I could get on your bad side and be rejected but I guess you're not gonna throw me out, I guess you don't really do that to people. That was directed to a person now this is for me January 28 2018 12:43 AM I swear I really think I can hear peoples thoughts when I smoke. Delusions of grandeur? No wonder. I can't help myself. I feel dusty. Literally dusty. I hate society, for a few generations now I guess what it comes out to is where you feel best, you try to escape but there's no rest, you don't listen to new music, you don't know what's right, your aim is off, you're always wrong Your friend is gonna wake up, she's right in front of you, she's me and you ** I'm proud of myself. I'm embarrassed too, but fuck it. My health always comes first. I've come a long way from high school. But I'm becoming cold hearted Jjanuary 26 12:32 Everytung I think of becomes real ** January 23rd Ha oh my god I always want to tell everyone about my eating disorder but I never did but I kind of forced you to read it. I'm still questioning my decisions. I feel like I'm 16. I still feel the same way. Maybe I can be more to the point today. Sometimes I have a hard time looking you in the face. Last night I really wanted to stay longer and just spend all night with you...but I promised my friend she could come over so we can work on songs, and I said yes without thinking, but maybe I should have told her another time cause I wanted you really bad. But I still feel confused. Am I annoying you? You seem to be still loving and I guess I'm not really that used to people reacting that way when i overshare. Which I used to do a lot and it felt draining. I'm sick of it. Honestly I want nothing more in this life to be natural and successful and play good music. That's the only thing that makes me sad about last night. My songs are simple to begin with. Its brendans fault January 24th 2018 7:05pm It keeps Repeating in my head, why did I have to tell him too much? Why did I write Jonathan that letter? Because I wanted to cause a stir and push my limits, I want to get on his bad side if he has one. Because I feel burning in my heart whenever I'm near him Here's another feeling I feel really sad that Ariel dropped me I feel like I'm not good enough for mainstream music I can't be the only one who feels that way I feel his absence Im sad about it. ** Don't come to me when you're feeling stressed. Don't come quacking like A duck. Done come to me sideways or crooked. If you get near me I want you in a state of near perfection, of endless beauty and bountiful energy. January 22 2017 11:47 AM I'm kind of stressed because of relationships. Like I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I don't know what it's like to not have to constantly prove myself. Its exhausting. I don't know what its like to not have sexual advances coming at me all the time, while simultaneously chasing someone who doesn't want me. I'm just chasing the feeling. I'm scared that Jonathan is gonna see that Brendan is into me and that I fucked him and he's gonna think "get me away from her" why am I fighting with myself over my feelings about Jonathan? I don't even know how I really feel. I think he's a twin of mine. And I hate him and love him at the same time ** Angelic realms. Death upon us. Death comes quickly, ripped from earth, its cigarette ashes, its factory smoke. What I wouldn't give to be a child at the zoo right now Angelic realms. Deathwish. Call your angels. Glowing might body me but i don't care because they're next to me and I sleep peacefully. I'm beneath the subtle churning. I'm a worm, I'm an Angel, I'm what its worth the whole universe. I believe in truth and peace and justice. What have you heard? Where are you from? Can you take me back there with you? A lovers job is getting so hard, but not enough for me. Death takes you away from the earth, the dark reaches of the universe become the corners of your bedroom, by comparison, to soothe your human mind. Giving back doesn't take any work when you're a goddess or a god, and everything is your creation. The goodness of creation is beauty and choice, comfort, joy, and ease. ** Songs God bless the child All of me Strange fruit But not for me Blue skies Black coffee Annie Clark Dream a little dream Marry me Body and soul Human racing These days All my stars aligned La boa Garota de ipanema Comofaz So sei dancar com voce Asesina Enamore How can this be Desperation Kidnapped Your life is a lie He is the sun and I am the moon Universal I just wanted you to try me out You only care about how it looks The very thought of you I love you porgy As time goes by Goodnight Irene Where did you sleep last night Anyone else but you Los ageless New York Slow disco Hallelujah House of the rising sun Polly About a girl ** NAME THIS BOOKING COMPANY I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!! ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I was always distracted. Weaving some half Baked string of ideas together. I guess we can feel everything, I can feel all your sadness, see it in your drinking, and your cigarettes, and I see it in knowing you still want to die sometimes. No I don't know why. Blue skies. Slur. ** January 16 2018 There are so many events going on in the city. There must be a big market? Gonna find out. I'm feeling my stagnant energy more than before now. I feel how some parts of me are just stunted and not progressing. Maybe that's why I always fall in love with people who behave in childlike ways 8:51 pm I have a fairly constant urge to be writing. But I trip myself up thinking it has to be beautiful, or it has to be poetic. I'd rather you trust me than to love me. Abuse tactics. The feeling is interesting. Because I do have abusive habits, not extreme but they're there. Before I couldn't recognize the feeling but now i know what it feels like, the hardness, and the dip in energy from the other person. Finally feeling like I have control, feeling desperate beforehand, like I've been walking around with this intense hunger and the only way to satisfy it is to get a man interested or make a woman jealous. I feel it when I do it now... And i don't feel helpless, and I don't feel like I'm a bad person, I feel like I'm hurt, and needy and I'm going to take care of myself until the day I die. Hard feelings. I wish I could always be writing. My greatest hunger is to capture my thoughts in their pure essence so that other people can see them. Why my own thoughts? Because I see myself as a reflection of greater society, I'm a mirror image of everyone who feels like me, and there's hordes of us, who we all feel the same but we haven't ever met yet. Sometimes I have really scary thoughts. Like, I feel terrified. Sometimes I feel scary things on people and I feel terrified. You have to let yourself have the experience with a helmet on. Never follow anyone unless you feel joy! Especialy men. Obligation is not a good enough reason. I want it so badly, I feel so lonely, i want to be with other people all the time Some unholy obligation I wish I had done my song with more clear intention ** Januuary 15 2017 9:25 AM Stop wasting your own time Why does it take me 2 hours to get out of bed? It is a choice I am making to get up and not do anything. Is that fair? Am I justified because I had an eating disorder and anxiety attacks that its okay for me to not have a job and only do art and have eczema and smoke weed? Do I need an excuse? The kitchen of my house is pretty dirty right now. I could be a good person and clean it up so my mom doesn't have to see it but I don't want to, I just wanna hang out and listen to music that's how in feel better I'm not cleaning cause I'm afraid of her reaction to not being the one to clean it herself no that's why its so hard . I feel like a teenager. Jonathan probably hates me my face is old my breath stinks my face is dry my rhythm is dry and hot and frying meat but anyway I think Jonathan probably doesn't even he probably hates me and thinks I'm weird and he just hates me why do I exist please stop I can't stop. I can't keep having anxiety attacks!!!!! Ideal morning routine: Wake up Drink water/smoke Go to bathroom Clean clutter Shower Practice songs or make breakfast **do all this w minimal phone usage** ** January 15 2017 8:06 AM Did you read my last letter? Was it making sense? I don't know why I'm being like this. I will try to speak from my heart. Its like, you live in Brooklyn, I live uptown but hang out in Brooklyn a lot. I don't usually think about people the way I think about you. I don't know why I've had a crush on you since day one. My feelings feel heavy. I never really considered that anyone I know would be polyamorous. I thought that you didn't make it clear at first, at least I didn't understand it until way later then it made sense. And that kind of made me mad. But I didn't think it was the worst thing in the world. Its not like we ever hang out. This feeling is learning me a lot. I feel manic 1:36 pm I just need you to understand how I feel I feel really desperate I thought I wanted to be with you but I'm not and I'm not happy Every time I see you I go crazy January 22 12:45 pm I'm going to see you today. Some of my friends are underage. You still don't care about me. I'm trying to provoke a response, I'm going to expose my underbelly here. I'm pretending I don't know when and I don't know why I feel this way because I think knowing feels unsafe but it hurts to live a lie, am I making sense? I know why I feel this way. I recognize myself and everything I want in you. I want to use you but I never can. I don't know what the future brings, but I hope we're still friends. If I can't use you, then I have to become the person I'm wanting. Ill pretend I'm you, and write myself a letter, under a full moon, from my heart, and all the love in the world will come through, under the full moon. If you're not a woman you won't understand the experience of a reproductive cycle, every month my body gets ready to have a baby and then releases the blood and nutrients because I have never been pregnant. Not to get distracted, but, I have a lot of ideas I get competitive with other women A lot. I feel insecure, I worry that there is a shortage of love and partners which is totally not true but my limited human consciousness just needed some assistance with that. Are you still paying attention? If I look back to when I was a kid, I can see that my intellect was always what got me attention and love and molested, so that's why I get so weird, and why I find it so easy to draw in men who value intelligence, but then it feels like I'm about to be molested so i drop them. Too much yet? More unnecessary personal details below please give me back my phone if you're not gonna still love me after this Sorry I'm way better at writing sometimes * * * * I was anorexic and bulimic because I was constantly encouraged to lose weight and it was impressed upon me that I wouldn't be valued if I wasn't thin and beautiful. I'm still fucked up I have a hard time being around food. Maybe you noticed. I want you to worry about me Constantly critiqued for my food choices. Everyone eats garbage. I hate everything. I love everything. I'm every woman its all in me Why I cant do anything without it coming up. Its not a competition but it is. If I don't....if I don't....then she will win....and something will kill me and I will die alone. My basic human brain. Still a caveman at heart. This is why I can welcome the digital age and new faces of humanity. Please for the love of god bring me something I like. I won't die alone. Because I am going to love every day. With or without you, on the radio or in a bar, for myself and everyone else but mostly myself. I love you! ** I wish my mom had let me stay in the hospital. I wish I wasn't too afraid to disobey my mom when i was 16. I wish I was still anorexic so people would be worried about me. ** January 13 2018 I THINK I HAVE A TAPEWORM by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener I keep feeling like I want to tell you something, so I tell you what I'm feeling , but more comes out. More than i planned. And I keep feeling like I want to tell you all these things but I just don't because, they aren't nice. Every time I see any girl get near you I flare up inside. But I don't say anything because, I don't think that's right. Like why would you even listen to me what would the outcome be? I think you don't value me at all, not any more than anyone else you know. I'm just like everyone else, and thinking that hurts my soul. I was obsessed with your band. The fact that you're even in my life means so much to me but I want you to be devoted to me, why? I don't know why I just do. You are so nice and sweet. Pplease don't sleep with allegra. I would scream if I saw that coming. I can't have you. I can never have you because I don't want to go after you, because I think that's a mans job,and I think you're the man and I'm the woman. And I feel sad all the time. I tense up when I see you. You don't care about me. I smell like garlic I have a parasite. You don't love me. I don't know why but when I see you I want to tackle you Either kiss you or punch you in the face You make me so mad I have asexual tendenciesI I'm I still think about other guys, but youre always fresh in my head, gender is real, but not static. Hey man. Do what you like. I just wish you actually wanted to spend time with me. I'm always going to feel this way. I'm always going to be jealous of everyone else you love I was obsessed with you in high school. Like, is this going to wear off? Do you imagine yourself being with people forever? Cause I'm doing it. But in truth I can't see it with you and me, only a feeling. Liike a burning in my heart whenever you look at me. I hate you. You don't care about me. I don't care about you. I think I do but really, when I see you I think about myself, and how good it would look to everyone if you were mine. I hate you. Leave me alone. I think you're great. You're so nice. Even your spine is fine. It could be. But she won't. She will. Fuxk this shit. I know I'm never going to get rich playing in ridgewood and bushwick at random bars only playing to the other bands and juno and Andrea. I know that. Haha. Do I have to talk about wanting to suck up everyone's feelings? I want to eat them up,, every lonely musician I've watched in empty rooms. I want to hold them in my heart. Just go and play. To no one. I have to kind of respect that. I want to understand people who play in empty rooms, I want to understand artists, I want to understand poor and rich, I want to know someone who can sell out Madison square garden, I want to be everywhere and leave my body at night. I want to hold everyone sometimes I feel like I'm in love with everyone but I'm starting to think that's normal. You don't care about me. I only care about me. I can't live like this. You're so important to me, everything you do, I'm sorry I don't speak, everything has been different since i found you. I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong, i just think I have a literal parasite. Please don't introduce me to anyone this year. I'm going to try to forget you exist because I have twisted intentions and you don't want me anyway You never loved me Please don't say it again unless you want to hold my hand in public. Was it not obvious? I hate you pay attention, stop hiding, why won't he talk to me? How can you be so smart and so retarded at the same time? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? Be with me all the time. Maybe go away because I can't look at you or talk to you without losing my mind I'm mad at you. ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house, and we would watch movies that would soon win awards. I can never watch movies, it was only with you..? Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I've never felt like that around anyone before. Like i just wanted more and more. You were the only person I ever wanted to fuck 4 or 5 times in one night. I wonder how it made you feel. It felt like I was getting somewhere, like maybe my husband could be an artist like me, maybe you could be my husband. We were always meant to be together for a time but I looked into every timeline, and we are crying, we don't stay together for a long time. I've never felt anyone in my heart like that before. I think about you sometimes. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could be with everyone. The last 2 time we fucked I ended up with a yeast infection, so I stopped. I told you I loved you but you didn't believe me, and then I didn't believe myself. Its not movie love. I love a lot of people. And I won't fuck any of them. But I do love you no matter what you say. I wish we could be together and I could hold you in my heart and make all your pain go away. Remember how it feels to be young? I kiss you when I'm dizzy, I'm feeling hazy, I see you through the haze, I love you, I'm insecure, I'm afraid, Friday, I wish we could be together like in my fantasies, just us two with only each other to hold. I don't know. Monogamy is unnatural but I can't help imagining id be very happy to see someone commit to only me. It never ends ** So this might be a shot in the dark but I had this idea that i could sell peoples art prints with your information at events. I'm putting A bunch of events in my calendar and hopefully i can be more on it this year. But I don't know I wanna have fun and travel so im I'm so obsessed Eso no es amor, eso se llama obsesion Oh god Spring equuinox event ** I feel really ignored Its Giving me a headache. Inspiration is few. Caffiene withdrawal. Has gotten me. Its It really hurts me I think you want allegra I think she's more important to you than me I wish I was important to you I wish there was someone who wanted to see me every day. Im sorry. Obviously this love was never meant to be. I'm lost in fantasy...please now you can leave I really like that I can use my menstrual cycle to guide me. I follow the same patterns every month. I always really want to eat a lot around the time I'm ovulating ** Monday january 8 2018 still obsessed with Beinng skinny ** Music in. 2018 Have people playing woodwind No impulse is too out of control No impulse is too crazy No impulse will get you killed I wish I could fly No impulse is too weird for me A full impulse is a big wave and I watch it from start to finish. And then there was millions of tiny ones I saw you last night in my dream Usually when I meet people in my dreams its at a party, but it felt like I saw you in the park in the summer You wanted to be there but wanted to be somewhere else, you looked so happy to see me I love to look into your eyes, its the easiest thing in the world. At every impulse I thought I was gonna cry and I'm still waiting for it to happen in real life. But my dream was easy and started with a top 100 song I wrote for a celebrity And my dreams dont think in regular time And it kind of cross faded, and bounced around like all these colors so I could meet you on the park bench again. The dream didn't end in my sleep but if it had I think it would have ended like this: You looked like you wanted to leave, and a rushed voice in my head told me, "Tell him something. Tell him he can do anything in his heart. Dont leave him so soon. Dont leave everyone bad confused." And I rushed to tell him, and he tells me, "its ok" ** HEMMORHAGE You only care about the way it looks and you close your eyes to see the stars but They're too far away They're too far away and your just imagining it its just your imagination They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Its inside of me it has a funny smell you keep saying its okay but i don't feel okay I'm gonna give them hell they're dying in the street Leave me alone I can't be with you today I wish I could hold you in my arms I wish i could hold you in my heart They're dying in the street Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** The only reason I'm doing it is for the music and the attention and the eyes laid on me and I can watch from a distance I'm keeping my distance the sun shines on my thoughts December 25th 2017 7:39pm This is what's been building up inside of me, the only natural consequence of inflicting possibility and inflicting freedom on yourself, there is only one possibility, we feel so Warm on the inside. I want to be part of a different world. I don't wanna **

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