#what’s the emotion for ‘hurt by people actively choosing to deny my autonomy and competence’?
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#being a person makes me feel such strong and unpleasant emotions lately#I don’t even know what the emotions are. they hurt tho.#irritated? depressed? wounded? betrayed? belittled? is belittled an emotion even?#what’s the emotion for ‘hurt by people actively choosing to deny my autonomy and competence’?#angry? sad?#it isn’t an Energetic Emotion like anger. it is not a fire; it is liquid and deep. it seems unmoving but it’s actually writhing painfully#some kind of bottomless pit of lava that is too hot to touch and too bright to look at#I know I’m not the protagonist of the story of Human Pain. I know most people deal with some kind of bigotry or discrimination.#I just… I really wish my pain wasn’t caused by other people Actively Choosing to hurt me.#little things like customers who are rude and snappy and impatient.#bigger things like that customer who always refuses to come to my register even though we’ve never interacted.#bigger things like knowing my peers think I’m too stupid to admit my AGAB (I know what my body looks like! stop presenting it to me as#evidence that I am wrong! I am presented with my own body every day and I’m still trans! my body is obviously not capable of changing my#feelings about my gender!)#little things like… my efforts to be a good person will never be recognized because people genuinely think I am something demonic.#I guess maybe that’s a bigger thing lol.#as an autistic person I try really hard to connect with others and learn to navigate social situations#learning when to make eye contact and when to stop. when to address a joke and when to play along with it more#apologize for this thing; but if you apologize for that it’s rude somehow. how to smile all the time. how to vary the tone of my voice so I#don’t sound robotic or rude or lazy. how to help someone without making them feel stupid for needing help.#constantly daily always actively Researching and Documenting and Analyzing to try to participate in society. and it#it does help… but it is fully overridden by transphobia.#I am really lucky I have my partners 💜 otherwise I’d assume I’d never find people who like me#it’s so nice to not Autistic Mask around them. to not hide my gender or anything.#sorenhoots
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