#what would you do if people started sending literal pipe bombs in your mail SPECIFICALLY to your daughter

[phonification]

imagine being dad crocker trying to to protect jane from literal PIPE BOMBS in the mail only for some robotic bunny to chop off your taxidermized dad's arm and eye, throw the fridge through the wall, lets jane outside, where the inevitable happens and she checks the mail then goes kaput . and all dad sees is jane opening that mailbox and then no jane with an explosion . THAT POOR OLD MAN

[masseffectgayliens]

How come the rest of the gang isnt aware of their fans?

Tali read the question out loud, for the whole “gang” to hear. It was virtually pointless though, as most of them were entrenched in their dinner anyway.

“I wouldn’t say you’re not aware. You’re not the brightest bulbs in the bunch but you can’t be that thickheaded, either. Especially since some of them send you suspiciously regular mail and stuff.”, Tali answered, mostly addressing herself to the Normandy walls and to Gardner. Ah, Gardner. Always conspicuously trying to appear inconspicuous while listening for any dirt on members of the crew.

“Tali, we joined the Normandy squad fan forum. You know that.”, Shepard grumbled, frustratingly stabbing her peas.

Garrus chuckled slightly from next to her, to which she responded with an objectively painful kick to the helpless turian’s shin, and a murderous glare.

Then the whole thing came back to Tali, and she started audibly giggling as well, rejoicing in the fact that she was a safe distance away from the angry commander.

Throwback to a few months earlier. Tali had just stepped into the cargo bay, ready for another mission, but as she looked around, she found only Garrus, leaning back against the Hammerhead, fiddling with his datapad. She shrugged, realising they were both probably early, and she thought there would be no better opportunity to hone her turian-pestering skills than while waiting for Shepard to waltz them off towards more danger. He was so entrenched in what he was doing that he didn’t notice her until she cheerfully plucked the datapad from his grasp.

Sneaky quarian snooper: 1, Her victim, now with increased trust issues: 0.

While he was exclaiming with surprise, Tali examined the screen in front of her.

“…Galactic Ass-Kickers United?”

Garrus flicked his mandibles in annoyance, swiping his datapad back and holding it above his head.

Self-elected Normandy midget representative: 1, Tall turian asshole: 1.

Normally, Tali would give him another type of well-deserved kick to the shin for this blatant abuse of his freaky height, but right now she was too curious as to why Garrus was browsing an online nerd forum.

“It’s, uh, it’s what some people call us. Apparently.”, he said sheepishly.

“Us?”

“You, me, everyone who went after Saren.”

“Oh.”

A few moments of uncomfortable silence passed. Tali was pondering his words, Garrus was still warily holding the datapad above her reach. Until he suddenly felt his earlier assholery get repaid tenfold when the quarian forcefully stomped on his foot, causing him to double over with a groan, which prompted Tali to swiftly rid him of his precious possession. Again.

Everyone that isn’t Garrus: 2, Garrus: -25684.

With Garrus’ whines as relaxing background noises, Tali looked through the site, its threads and topics, until the realisation dawned on her.

“Garrus, how long have you been a part of our official fan forum?”

“First off, that was a cheap move, second off, why’s it matter?”

“OhmygodhaveyouseenthisfanartGarrusKeelah”, she exclaimed in one breath.

Dismissing her suit’s inner ventilation system for not having enough dramatic effect, Tali fanned herself, admiring a smutty piece of work depicting Shepard, Garrus and herself.

“Spirits, Tali, I don’t go looking for it!”

“How come your inbox isn’t totally full of spam from our dedicated fans, then?”, she asked, looking over his sparse chat boxes with various members.

Most of his interactions were quite tame. He left witty remarks on most discussions, and chatted harmlessly with a few users about nothing in particular.

“Probably because they don’t know who I really am. To them, I’m simply TheLegend27.”, he declared, a bit too confidently for someone who chose TheLegend27 as a username.

Tali snorted, still shamelessly going through his activity log.

He seemed to engage with one forum user specifically. Almost every comment Garrus posted was somehow in relation to one Quads_of_fury. Tali tapped on his latest notification, which brought her to a thread entitled “NORMANDY CREW MOST LIKELY TOs”. And, although the thread itself was a goldmine, a certain inspired username caught Tali’s attention.

Quads_of_fury, 4:36 CT: most likely to spend all their credits on stupid shit?? i vote kaidan. he looks like the kind of guy who would literally start crying happy tears when he sees a lush shop

 Interestingly enough, Kaidan had swooned at the sight of the intergalactic bath bomb. He broke down, actually. Two times. Two times Tali had to almost completely physically restrain him so he didn’t waste his credits away on soaps and perfumes and lotions and OK they all smelled really good, but Tali was taught better than to give in to Satan like that. She wasn’t weak. Not to insinuate that Kaidan was. He was just really, really, into self-care products. Tali pictured the value of property damage they’d have to cover when Kaidan’s tears eventually flooded the lush shop, setting off all of the bath bombs at the same time.

She shuddered.

Naturally, TheLegend27 had something to say to Quads_of_fury.

TheLegend27, 4:38 CT: I vote Shepard. Mostly because I’ve actually stumbled into her at the supermarket. I could only stare in awe as I watched her pay for a disco ball helmet, a ketchup gun and glow in the dark toilet paper.

 Tali snickered, turning towards Garrus.

“Does Shepard know you’re shamelessly backstabbing her on the extranet?”

“Oh, please. She should’ve expected it.”

Tali clicked on Garrus’ most recently created thread: “Shepard is fuckin short. Discuss”. She put it in her “Stuff To Shamelessly Blackmail Garrus With” mental folder.

“Nevermind, I know she doesn’t know because if she did she’d have killed you by now.”, she stated matter-of-factly.

He just looked at her strangely, his mandibles flaring in what she came to recognize as the turian equivalent of a smile. Confused, she decided his cryptic looks could suck it, and she resumed her activities.

Quads_of_fury, 4:50 CT: ok first off RUDE second off shes not fuckin short her online bio says shes 5’4” shes AVERAGE honestly and even if she was short who cares shes like the badassest person ever rn and these kinds of threads just undermine her authority so to conclude. u suck @TheLegend27

 Tali was moved to tears. Honestly. Quads_of_fury’s speech would make Shepard proud.

TheLegend27, 4:56 CT: *She’s 5’2”. **Which is short even for a human. ***The most badass

Quads_of_fury, 4:57 CT: I KNOW HOW IT’S SPELLED ASSHOLE

 The next thread was entitled “Shepard Appreciation Thread”.

Honestly Tali’s blackmail folder was having a field day.

She scrolled down to a piece of fanart depicting the crew, with Shepard as a focal point, happily crying while hugging Liara.

Quads_of_fury, 3:23 CT: false shepard does not cry

TheLegend27, 3:24 CT: Except when you point out the fact that elcor don’t wear shoes, then she spirals into depression

 It was a universal certainty that Shepard was never going to live that down. The one time she decided getting drunk was a good idea, after finally saving the galaxy, she got filmed by a bunch of curious teenagers. Honestly, the entire crew was pretty hammered, but when they started waxing philosophical about different species, Shepard had an epiphany, and no amount of alcohol would ever help her forget the vid of her sobbing at the thought of elcor rubbing their nasty feet-hands on every public bathroom floor. The extranet was a cruel and unforgiving mistress.

“So like… Are you going out of your way to personally victimize this user? Are they like your forum crush or something?”, Tali asked, finally tearing her eyes away from TheLegend27’s forum drama.

Garrus smirked at her again, then, without answering, turned around to greet Shepard herself, finally showing up, ready for another day of dodging bullets.

As they climbed into the shuttle, Tali felt him bend down, mouth closing in on her ear.

“You’ll see.”, he said, passionately typing away on his datapad.

Fast forward to dinner time, when Tali had all but forgotten about Garrus’ extranet vendetta against Quads_of_fury. Until the commander walked in, fashionably late once more, brows meeting in a small, frustrated knot.

“Who pissed in your cereal, huh?”, Jack inquisitively jabbed an elbow at her, careful not to drop her own bowl of cereal.

“This random extranet dickbrain. It’s no big deal, they’re just really annoying.”

“Oh, really? What sites are you surfing these days, Shep?”, Kasumi innocently piped in, giving Garrus, who was sitting right next to Tali, a knowing wink.

“Uhm, you know. Fan forums. And stuff. I’m interested in what people think of us.”

Shepard had her back to Tali, but the quarian was certain her face was now doing that distinctly human thing, when it became redder than the N7 stripe.

“I’m a member of your fan forum too, actually. Who’s bothering you? Is it TheLegend27?”, the thief pressed on.

Tali wanted to die.

“Yeah? How’d you know?”

“Who’s TheLegend27?”, Jack asked, her words just as dripped in confusion.

“Some say TheLegend27 is the first forum user ever. Born from fire.”

“I heard, TheLegend27 can never get banned, because they always come back.”, Garrus casually added.

“I heard TheLegend27 once locked an entire thread with a single roast.”, Joker joined in.

“But the worst part is, just when you think you’re safe”, Kasumi went on, ”just when you think you might escape… WHAM!!! Just like that! You get trolled.”

When everyone around the mess table faked a collective gasp, she sank even deeper in her suicidal disposition.

“I hate literally all of you.”, she caught herself saying, but she was cut off by the sound of Shepard’s datapad notification.

She checked it, slowly, then very suddenly her head snapped up to Garrus, who was cheerfully typing away, just as another notification sound pierced the tense silence.

Shepard didn’t advance, not before getting a tall glass and filling it with cold water. Then, as she menacingly started approaching Garrus, raising her glass like a weapon, all Tali could think was, he had it coming.

“This is a good time for you to become a missing person, Vakarian.”

Yep. Definitely had it coming.